In the tradition of the teachings of Shakyamuni Buddha, there is actually a story about Shakyamuni Buddha. And the story, one of the stories anyway, is that His awakening was finally about the cause of suffering or the nature of suffering. And also by understanding the nature of suffering, he was released from suffering with all living beings.

[01:12]

But before he was able to study the phenomena of suffering of himself and others, and understand it and how it was caused and how it actually can be transcended, the first step was that he became aware of it. And when he first became aware of it, he was actually rather shocked And his life really went through a great revolution when he was exposed and became aware of suffering and the inevitable sickness and death that human beings seem to be involved in.

[02:24]

And his teaching in a sense is to tell the story of his path as a prototype for all of our paths, the story of all of our paths to liberation from suffering. he did a lot of things after he first became exposed to the reality of suffering or to his experience of suffering. But after quite a long time of trial and error, there came a day when he seemed to be ready to settle down

[03:36]

and complete his his study. He sensed this and he made a firm resolve that he would enter into meditation and not move and not interrupt his meditation until he thoroughly understood the nature of human suffering. And so he placed himself with this firm resolve on the earth under a tree And as soon as he placed himself with that great resolve, he was immediately assailed by all kinds of distractions, doubts and chaotic energies.

[05:07]

And he almost lost his resolve, but he took his right hand and touched his fingertips to the earth and called the goddess Earth to witness and support his resolve. And she did. When he touched her, she touched him. And he went right ahead then with his meditation. And when it was clear that he was not going to be distracted, the distractions dropped away. And then he could completely settle into his study of the causes and conditions of misery.

[06:18]

And as I mentioned the last time I spoke here we have here now in the center of the room the enlightening being earth womb or earth store which represents that that great support that can come from the earth and nurture and facilitate our study of the human condition. This bodhisattva represents the vow to enter into any and all realms of misery so that our study can be steady And so Shakyamuni Buddha can sit in the middle there, unmoving, looking deeply into how suffering arises and how it is liberated.

[07:29]

During the last week, I was at Tassajara and discussing with the people there about this touching of earth and putting it in another way, discussing and considering touching pain. So how do we sit on the earth, touch earth, and then one step further, or not necessarily a step further, but as a way to understand what it means to touch earth, touch earth as it manifests in the form of pain.

[08:42]

How do we touch pain? Well, we touch it in lots of ways and also we avoid touching it in lots of ways. The Buddha herself became exposed to suffering, but then for many years it was a story of trial and error about how to touch suffering. She went up a lot of blind alleys and made a lot of false starts. So touching it, another way to say touching it is not necessarily touching it like poking it or whacking it or punching it, but maybe just staying close to it.

[09:52]

This is sometimes called the practice of patience. But patience doesn't mean that when you're close to pain you tense up and start shaking and gritting your teeth. Patience is intending to indicate a creative and healthy response to pain. How do we stay close to pain, but not stick our head in it? How do we stay close to pain, not running away from it, but respectfully, almost honoring it? What is the healthful way to be with pain?

[11:06]

What is the healing way to be with pain? What is the skillful way to be with pain? tried many, many, many ways to be with pain. And that night he was with pain in the most skillful way so that he finally understood it. After his awakening, he recommended to his monks to make their meditation cushions. out of a kind of grass called kusa grass, which is a grass that has sharp edges, like pompous grass or some kind of grass like that.

[12:13]

So if you're not careful when you collect it, you will cut your hands. If you're not careful as you assemble the blades of grass, they'll cut your hand. They really are blades. And he recommended that kind of grass. And the word that is used in Buddhism for skillful or wholesome or healthful attitudes is derived from this grass, the kusa grass. The word is kushala. Kushala means skillful, derived from the idea that if you can collect this grass without cutting your hands, you're skillful. You have a wholesome way of dealing with this sharp material. So most phenomena we deal with actually have the potential.

[13:21]

to be handled, the phenomena can be handled skillfully or unskillfully, and almost anything, if we don't handle it in a creative way, in a skillful way, can hurt us. We can be cut. But by collecting many examples of grasses some of which will have little blood on them, we can make a seat. We can develop a skillful way of handling materials. Once there was a man who lived in a mental institution in Arizona and he said and was pretty much entrenched in the idea that he was Jesus and he really wouldn't relate to anybody unless they would

[14:51]

to some extent, you know, honor his assertion. And you might say, well, that's not much of a relationship if you have to go along with that. You might say, well, that would be rather dishonest to pretend as though he were Jesus or that you believe that. So you might just stay away from him because how could you affirm his assertion? But if you interacted with him and wouldn't affirm his assertion, he wouldn't relate to you at all. So what do you do? Do you be dishonest? That seems maybe not so healthy. So say, well, hi Jesus, is that really sincere? He would like that, and maybe you could relate to him a little bit about that. Say, well, how are things going with your disciples? Maybe he could tell you how things are going.

[15:56]

Have you had any difficulty lately, you might ask him? Are the administrative... Are the administrative people in the Jewish establishment giving you a hard time? He might be able to discuss this with you, but you might feel, well, I'm being insincere. I don't really think this is real. So that might not be right for you. But then again, maybe it would be all right. But maybe you'd be buying into his thing too much and going into his world too much and not asking him enough to come out in the world where he's not Jesus. On the other hand, if you maintain the reality that he's not Jesus, if you hold to that reality, then you have nothing in common with him other than looking at him as a crazy person, and he thinks you're crazy too for not understanding who he is.

[16:58]

So there's not much going on there either. And then you don't have any grass to sit on. So one time a psychiatrist named Milton Erickson came to visit the hospital and was told about this man. And he went up to the man and he said, I understand you're a carpenter. And the man said, that's right, I am. And Milton Erickson said, well, would you build me some bookcases? And the man said, sure. This is a potentially harmful situation, but he managed to relate to the person in a way of respecting his world and also relate to him, you know, not entirely... not entirely only recognizing him.

[18:03]

He also asserted a world where this man could build a bookcase and provided a... a way for this man to heal himself. And in fact, as the story goes, he made the bookcases and was soon after willing to be a carpenter and give up his strong attachment to being Jesus, which was what people had a problem with. They didn't mind him being a carpenter for some reason. I mean, to some extent it's true that each of us is the anointed one. Each of us is a great compassionate being. But to hold to that strongly, people put us in the hospital. Holding to be a carpenter can also get you in trouble. Sometimes it's time to put your tools down and pick up a baby.

[19:04]

or be a compassionate person aside from building bookshelves. But the skill of handling this painful and difficult situation was there because Milton Erickson could get close to this man, be with his suffering, and out of that there was a healthy response that came forth and the man could use it and he was healed. So what is the way of touching the pain? Of being aware of it. Yesterday I was, I actually, I had to say yesterday, I'm kind of, I'm pretty depressed, I had to say.

[20:12]

And the person I said that to found it to be helpful. I said, don't take it personally. I was having a hard time just with my own state and also many things were coming at me which were difficult. I was aware of many people's suffering. I told you last time I talked to you about our friend who had a motorcycle accident. He's still suffering and I wonder, can I support him? The last time I went to see him he said, I don't know if I can make it." And he said, do you ever feel like that? And I said,

[21:18]

Yes, I have felt like that. I've heard that voice inside which says, I don't know if I'll make it. I don't know if I can stand it. And I told him some stories about those times. And I guess what I told him was in all those cases, the thing that made me decide to keep going was that I didn't feel, I felt there was more for me to do in this world. So I decided to keep putting up with the pain because of this incompleted work, uncompleted function. But I think I also said that when I feel like there's nothing more for me to do, I might not put up with it anymore then.

[22:23]

Or even if it gets to be too bad at some point, I may decide it's too much. I said, there comes such a time. But I sincerely feel that you have even more to offer now than you did before this accident. I really feel that you do." And he said, will you help me? And I foolishly said yes. But I did say yes, so now I have to help him and he's going to have a really hard time. So thinking about him actually is painful for me. And then another one of our friends, her brother just tried to commit suicide yesterday. And the reason why he gave for committing suicide, he didn't succeed yet, was that he was lonely.

[23:31]

And then another thing which I had to do yesterday was sign a check, a big check, to start this enormous process called daughter going to college. And as I signed it and called out in pain, certain people nearby were very unsympathetic. I couldn't understand what problem I would have with that. Anyway, it was a hard day, you know, and so I kept thinking, how can I touch the pain today? And I closed my eyes and tried to find the appropriate way to adjust to all that. all that. And one of the things I did was I went swimming in the bay and when I got out I felt fine for a while.

[25:04]

It was a creative response. Get those arms and legs moving in that cold water. Breathe. Breathe a lot, in and out. So as we explore and explore and experiment with how, moment by moment, to deal with whatever pain we feel. We make some mistakes, we turn away for a little while maybe, and then it sneaks up to us and whacks us. We get too close to it and get burned. We try to stop it and it flares up in rebellion. We try to distract ourselves. Anyway, we try all this stuff, and once in a while we find just the right way to be with it.

[26:09]

And one of the characteristics of, I think, the skillful way to be with pain is to be in the present with it. To be very present. To not try not to one thing, to try not to remember how long, not try not to, but don't dabble in remembering how long it's been going on. Don't dabble in thinking how long it will go on and whether it will be over by the time you get to the next stop light or have to say hello to somebody. Just touch it the way it is now. Just be close to it the way it is now. How you doing? Is this too painful? Now, I could tell you this will be over soon, but I don't want to get you into the future.

[27:15]

Actually, I do want to get you into the future, but I don't want you to think of the future yet. Even I could say that when you're in pain, if you think of when it's going to be over, if you reach out into the future, in a sense, you kill yourself. Or I kill myself. I try to stay with it without holding on to it. Which is the same as trying to be with a person, another person, without holding on to her. Again, almost a cliché now for me is the story of when a guest at Tassajara told me that there was a woman there who she'd made friends with who had just lost her husband, and she was pretty hysterical about it. And she asked me to help her, and I said I would.

[28:22]

She said, but I don't know what to do. I'm not a Buddhist teacher. And I said, well... When you meet with her, just hold her hand. That's all you have to do. You can't take away the fact that she lost her husband and she feels bad about it. She's probably going to keep feeling that way. So she said, okay. And then a couple days later, as she was leaving Tassajara, she was a guest. She said, well, thank you for your advice. I'll always remember it. Stay close and do nothing." And I thought, well, I didn't say it that way, but that's good. In that way, you sometimes give advice and stimulate a person to come up with better advice. But I think we do have the tendency to think, okay, and maybe it is good to go and be with people who are suffering.

[29:31]

But then we think, but don't I have to do something when I get there? We feel maybe impotent just to be there and listen. But being close and not trying to fix it is... It may be really helpful. When Buddhist monks go to visit sick Buddhist monks, there's a kind of like classical thing to say. You go up to the monk and you say, how is your health? Or how is your venerable health? It's kind of a standard thing. So one time a monk came to visit another monk and said, how is your health? And the other monk said, I'm sick. And the first monk said, you're sick.

[30:37]

And the second monk said, I'm sick. And was enlightened. The bodhisattva of infinite compassion is the one who regards the cries of the world, who listens. It doesn't say, listens and fixes. It's not, what is it, I don't know, I don't know how, you know, in Japanese it's called kanon, which means regard or meditate on the cries of the world or the sounds. It doesn't say, regards, meditates and changes their suffering. that it somehow is helpful to people just to listen. And for me it took me many years to realize that when certain people came and told me about their misery I didn't have to fix it. And I often tried to fix it and they got very upset with me.

[31:39]

Leave me alone. I'm just giving you a weather report. Can we feel some vitality some usefulness in being close to our own suffering, listening to our own suffering and others, can we realize that that is a real function, that's not nothing? Well, it's hard for us to understand that, but that's what I've been talking about for a while and practicing. Now, the Buddha did practice this way too. And as we become more able to be in the present and develop this nearness to the suffering without messing around with it, we can start to see it more and more clearly.

[32:48]

And finally, you can see the cause of it. or not even you can see the cause of it, but the cause of it can be seen. If we get close to the suffering and push it around, it's hard to see the cause because you're into manipulating rather than discovering. But if you're just present and gaze at the phenomena of the suffering, you'll start to notice that there's something all around it. And all that's around it is its cause. And as you start to see its cause, you start to understand its nature. So then this patience turns into wisdom. which is not just to see and be with the suffering, but to see how it's made and how it's unmade, to see how it appears and disappears, to see how it manifests and how it's liberated from itself, which was the content of Buddha's enlightenment, of understanding the cause of suffering.

[34:15]

of understanding the context of suffering. If we can be completely absorbed into the context of the suffering, then we are absorbed into the liberation from suffering. But if we have any agendas and mess with the suffering, we just get lost in confusion and the suffering goes on. So between patience and wisdom are two other practices. The practice of being enthusiastic and energetic and being concentrated. So once you're able to be close to the suffering without turning away or touching it, in the sense of grabbing it, but just be present with it in this

[35:22]

non-gaining way, non-manipulative way, then if you can be enthusiastic about looking at the phenomena, be vigorous about meditating on the phenomena and concentrate on it, then gradually the understanding of its causation will arise. And this was This is the content of Buddha's liberation. I'm outlining this, but as you probably could imagine, it's very subtle how this all works. That's why you have to be steady and steadfast. and concentrated and enthusiastic, because a very thorough study is required in order to really see how it happens.

[36:31]

But the story of Buddha is that if we do apply ourselves to the phenomenon of suffering in this world, there is a possibility of freedom. And he said, when he woke up, when he understood suffering, he said, how wonderful it is that all things are ultimately liberated and there's no place that they abide. All things, flowers, trees, humans, all animals, the great earth, everything is ultimately liberated and you can experience that by study and understanding. and there's no place anything abides. However, he also said that even though things are not tied to anything and are liberated, they do abide in their own phenomenal expression.

[37:38]

So although suffering really is liberated from itself and there's no place it really abides and therefore we can be free of it, That doesn't mean that the suffering jumps from one place to another. It still is suffering right in suffering, which is another reason why we shouldn't go in and get close to it and try to push suffering over to the right a little bit or lift it up or push it down. It's right in the way the suffering is that you realize its cause and its ceasing. That's why we have to be very careful little scientists and study very carefully. And we have to be creative artists and think of all different ways to study and understand and relate with this commonly occurring phenomena called misery. When I was at Tatsara last week, after I gave one of my talks, a young woman came up to me and said, well, actually, it was before I actually emphasized this touching pain thing, and some person asked a question about some pains that he was having, and my answer was rather abstract.

[39:01]

And she and actually her mother and all her sisters were kind of, I walked by them and they said, we're having an argument with you. And I said, well, that's hard to pass up. What's the problem? They were sitting on the bridge, and they told me that they didn't like my answer, that they felt it was kind of abstract. And I said, well, how about touching pain then? And they said, okay. And then one of the girls said, and then what? And I said, well, And then the pain will turn into something vast and wonderful." And she made this face like, she made this face like, I don't think so. She said, vast, maybe. But I don't think wonderful, really.

[40:06]

We went back and forth a little bit more, but finally I said, well, forget wonderful. I'll take it back. But as I thought about the interaction more, I realized that what had happened was I yielded to the temptation of then what? Like, you'll study the suffering, and then it will turn into like, you know, bliss or something wonderful. What about mysterious? Well, maybe mysterious is okay, but wonderful? So I publicly apologized later and thanked her for, you know, for tempting me and catching me when I fell into the trap of saying that if you stay, if you touch this suffering, if you stay close to it, you're gonna, it's gonna like turn into something good.

[41:32]

Part of the nobility of the meditation practice is that you study the suffering without any gaining idea. You hold hands with suffering beings without promising anything to them or to yourself. You promise that you'll hold their hand, but you don't promise that if you hold your hand that they will have the use of their limbs back, or that they'll see again, or that this pain will turn into pleasure. You don't promise that. You just hold their hand and you have the nobility of not expecting anything more from holding hands than holding hands. You know, the word generosity originally meant, the first meaning of the word generosity and the etymology of the word generosity is noble birth, like genus.

[42:41]

come from being from a noble family. So to be close to suffering of your own or other suffering, to hold hands with suffering beings and be generous enough to let them be who they are. to be close to your own suffering and be generous enough with yourself to let yourself be the suffering person you are without saying you can say and then what but after you say then what say well then more I guess I don't know anyway although the pain will ultimately be liberated it doesn't change into something else there's no gain or loss There's just freedom. But if we do our meditation to get something, that gaining idea can block the settling with the thing the way it is. And it's the thing in its own phenomenal expression that becomes liberated and untied from everything.

[43:54]

Now, working with pain, your own or others, I don't know, you might find it at least a little bit interesting. But, I don't know, maybe as you work with pain, and particularly, I would guess, yeah, particularly as you develop a less dramatic relationship with it. It's pretty dramatic, like... She meditated on her pain. She learned so much about it that she was world famous. She opened many clinics, and she's in Who's Who. So such stories are very dramatic. But to live with pain and then the result of that would be that you live with pain, maybe that would be considered to be boring. And again, I was walking around Tassajara doing this practice of touching earth.

[45:26]

I wasn't in so much pain when I was walking. I was just walking. And I was feeling my feet on the ground. And actually, it was a rather pleasant, beautiful place. And if I looked around, you know, and... If I looked at the trees and the sun and the way that the sun made these patterns on the ground, I could get into a pretty kind of nice state of looking at these colors, it was actually. And it was warm, but not too warm. It was kind of heavenly. And I don't say, I didn't reject that. I was enjoying that. But then I started doing this practice called being aware of my feet walking on the ground. And I didn't get into like little lotuses coming up after each step. I'm not criticizing that, but anyway, I just got into like foot on rubber zori on dirt. And I wasn't in much pain, but I was just touching the earth.

[46:29]

Or I was in pain. But the way I was in my pain was very undramatic. I mean, it wasn't like a big slugfest, and it wasn't like a big, you know, kind of like liberation, and it wasn't a big kind of like difficult to adjust to. I was just suffering me, walking along, no big deal. And so I was meditating on my feet on the ground. And then inside, I didn't hear the voice, I don't know if I can go on. I didn't hear the... I can't stand this. I heard, boring. So when it's, I can't stand this, you know, well, this is very dramatic, and how can I go on? So I reach down in the depths of my heart and think, you know, is there anything more for me to do in this life?

[47:33]

And yes, so I can go on. This is part of the way it is sometimes. But some other times, the pain might be just the same, but you're quite settled with it, and it's kind of every day. It's not so dramatic. And at the times when you really start to settle and get into the subtlety of your pain, that's the time when boredom will come. Boredom is actually, in some sense, the heaviest duty of all demons. When the demon of great gain is stepped aside, when the demon of anger and attachment and confusion have dropped away, then we need to bring in the final protector of delusion.

[48:40]

Some people say that your practice really is working when you start to get bored with it. Because, again, it's so subtle at a certain point that it's just not that exciting. But sometimes it's exciting. Like yesterday was very, it wasn't boring, it was, yesterday was a kind of like by the skin of my teeth kind of day. Very, very dramatic. Today's not so exciting. And, uh, After this talk's over, it'll probably get boring again. How can you be patient with boredom? This practice of patience is boring.

[49:48]

How can you be enthusiastic while you're bored? Enthusiastic like full. of vigor and inspiration and aspiration and dedication and joy when you're bored? How can you be really concentrated and single-minded when you're bored? How can you study carefully when you're bored? I don't know. That's our job to find that out. So tonight we start a seven-day sitting where we ritually enact sitting and looking, studying, being close to our suffering. It's a ritual because we sit in the same yogic posture the Buddha sat in and put our hands, just like the Buddha,

[50:52]

But it's not ritual in the sense that we don't ritually experience...well, yeah, we ritually experience pain. But it's not just ritual experience. We actually feel pain. And all of us, whether we're in this sitting or not, will feel pain this week. But the people in this room will feel pain, you know, in the form of knee pain and back pain and butt pain and schedule pain. And then we will study that for seven days. and learn how to settle with it. And if the pain is really extreme and the word, I can't stand this, comes up, then boredom usually isn't there. But as the pain settles down, or we settle down with the pain, then the monks get, the yogis get to hear that boredom thing more. Which is easy to, you know, it's easy to jazz things up. All you've got to do is think of something dramatic like sex or murder. or the devastations around the planet, or great heroic stories about yourself, or even great historic stories about Buddha.

[52:04]

And I think, oh, yeah, maybe rouse yourself out of boredom, and then you aren't bored anymore. If you stop doing that stuff, then you settle down back again, and it's boring again. But because we're all sitting together, you look at all these other people, and you feel, what are they doing here? And why are those teachers yelling at me and saying, you know, strive on, study, study, study? What's that about? Oh, yeah. Well, maybe I will. Anyway, it's easy for me to say this stuff, but actually it's hard for me to sit in this room with my body and my mind and my breath and moment by moment just pay attention to what's happening. without anything up. And then I'll be, or then it will. So it is hard.

[53:10]

But again, one more time, if while you're sitting if while you're standing, if while you're walking in this world, if while you're reclining, you touch earth, and if the boring comes, you touch earth again, you may feel something coming up from the earth to affirm and support your resolve to stay with what's happening, even though you're assailed by demons saying, "'Boring!' by the host of Mara's distractors saying, you have better things to do than this. You're not getting paid for this. This isn't good for your health. That you just touch earth and earth says, no, you can be here and you don't have to move from paying attention to what's happening. You don't have to get anything out of this.

[54:17]

You can just wake up. Does anybody know a song about being bored? Is that about being bored? You do? What is it? Thank you. Well, that sounded like a song about being bored.

[55:39]

It had the proper effect. It's possible to be happy when you're bored. It's possible to laugh when you're bored. It's possible to dance when you're bored. It's possible to hold hands with suffering beings when you're bored. it's possible to wake up when you're bored. And I actually don't have, like, textual proof that, like, just before Buddha woke up, he got kind of bored with his study. He'd studied so much and for so long and covered all the details of the causation of suffering that he just kind of like, well, what more could there be to this than what I've studied so far? This is really, I've reached the limit. And then he woke up. This is an imaginary tuning in to the moment of enlightenment.

[56:57]

I like to throw myself into physical work. Sometimes I really just lose myself in it. I noticed that sometimes, occasionally, when I feel badly about something, I will do this also. And I've been suspicious of that. But that was useful for me to get away from what I was feeling badly about. And so I was very struck when you said that you had, things were coming at you yesterday and you were kind of depressed and that you went swimming in the bank. and that physical exercise in the cold water was really good, because that is the way I'm suspicious that maybe sometimes I like to work hard. Uh-huh. Did you hear what she said? No. She said that sometimes when she's... sometimes she'd like to throw herself into physical work and lose herself, and she's suspicious that maybe she's running away from her suffering.

[57:59]

Yes. It makes endorphins. Yeah, it makes endorphins. Yes. Especially if you do something repetitive like swimming or running or something like that. And so she said, and she heard me say that I went swimming yesterday when I was kind of depressed. So, what about that? And I don't think that when you're you then should, like, try to be depressed. You don't go, like, try to put yourself into suffering. You just be present and see where suffering comes. Because if I go choose my suffering, it's just, you know, what I... I'm selecting it then, and I just choose something that I could be avoiding what normally would come up. So, I sometimes, particularly, like, when I'm cleaning,

[59:04]

or vacuuming, I sometimes feel like I'm getting compulsive and the way I feel is that I'm like leaning into vacuuming. Like I'm leaning into the process of cleaning. Rather than just being present and vacuuming, I'm like getting the place clean. And actually, I physically lean forward. And I feel, and I don't feel good. Forget about how depressed or happy I am, I don't feel good about this thing, it feels compulsive. And if I could catch myself, I can come back erect and also vacuum. But not vacuum so much with the feeling of, like, for a purpose or for, like, to get something from the vacuuming, but just for the experience of vacuuming. And it does also... clean the room that way and sometimes I feel like it's almost like I almost sometimes feel like well I'm compulsive now about vacuuming but pretty soon maybe I can maybe when I maybe I can finish the vacuuming stop and then sit down and face what's going on because I no longer had this thing about well I got to clean the clean the floor

[60:31]

and then sit and face, and maybe I still feel that tendency to get ahead of myself, but maybe I can just come back and be upright. So, there is a sense of feeling compulsive or obsessive about the activity which you you have to check in yourself whether there is a metaphoric, you know, psychic or physical leaning forward into the activity. And I think you can go jogging or swimming, and in fact it does have maybe some, produce some chemicals which make you more relaxed and stuff like that. But whether that happens or not, if as you run you are erect, It's better for your body, and it's better for your mind. And I think you can feel the suffering while you're swimming still, and you can feel the suffering while you're running still, but you don't have to distract yourself from the suffering by trying to get yourself into this exercise, or get this exercise done, or accomplish this.

[61:48]

Or certainly, of course, worst of all would be to exercise with the idea of getting rid of the pain. Knowing that if you're in some pain, if you're well adjusted to the pain, then you can get up and go exercise too. If I've established a rapport and a balance with my pain, I can still go swimming or take a walk. And I can still vacuum the floor. And I can talk. And I can brush my teeth. And you can do anything from that place. And then as you get into it, you can lose track of that presence and start leaning into that activity and lose it, lose your presence. But you can also continue that through the activity. I think usually when I get into vacuuming or cleaning with that compulsive attitude, I think I was already off balance when I started usually. Like I wasn't really, I didn't really like sit down with myself and really settle and say, okay, now is the time to vacuum.

[62:54]

So there's something about timing, you know, like each of us is, each of us has this place in the world and the earth is coming up and giving us life and there is a time for us to speak and there's a time for us to raise our hand and there's a time for us to take a hold of a broom and after you take a hold of the broom there's a time to sweep but in some sense again i don't mean to make this too romantic but in some sense when you when you make a down stroke with your broom it could be it could be done with the feeling of of a conductor of a of a symphony like you go it could be that feeling of now i sweep now i sweep now i take a hold of the So it's a feeling of mindfulness, but again, not, now I'm going to be mindful, but rather, now I'm mindful of doing this.

[64:00]

Not, I'm going to be mindful, or I'm going to practice mindfulness, but now I'm practicing sitting here. Now I'm touching the earth at this place. Now I touch the earth with my brooms. and so it's it's very much a postural timing thing posture space time timing because it's a space time body mind synchronization and if that's what you're doing then you can you can do it uh anyway and sometimes when you're out of out of sorts there's certain activities which you can do which bring you back in and it's okay to do them like um what's his name, Pablo Casals. I heard a story about him when he was really old. I think maybe he was either 90 or 95 when this story happened. I think Norman Cousins was visiting him, and he saw Pablo Casals get up in the morning, and he was very stiff.

[65:04]

His hands were stiff, and his whole body was stiff. And when he got out of bed, he shuffled over to the piano and sat down and played. Every morning he played Bach's Well-Tempered Clavier. And when he first started moving his fingers, they really were stiff and barely could press the keys, you know, get the fingers to move. And as he played, and I would say also as he experienced probably the discomfort of those stiff old fingers, but was there with that discomfort and felt those fingers press down, as his mindfulness of his body started to work, the mind coming to his fingers, coming to the keys, coming to the timing, Little by little, the fingers move more smoothly and more, you know, they loosen up. And finally, by the end of playing however long the piece was, his fingers were fairly limber, and when he got up from the piano step, from the piano chair, he was not shuffling anymore, he was lifting his feet off the ground. So it's okay, I think, to do exercises, particularly if they get you into your fingers, and get you into your body, and get you into your breath,

[66:12]

And also if you're stiff, they'll get you into your stiffness, and maybe whatever discomfort there is in your fingers, and you get in there and you figure out the best way to have fingers. And, you know, like a friend of mine, he's very stiff, very stiff, rigid person, and he, but he likes to practice meditation, but So if he's stiff and he sits a long time in that stiff posture then he sometimes gets stiffer and stiffer and it's almost like he's going to break. But sometimes when he's sitting he just has a feeling of opening his heart and then he just, his whole body relaxes. So somehow if you open your heart to your stiffness maybe your stiffness is not so stiff anymore. And possibilities of creatively dealing with stiffness and rigidity and the hardnesses we get into and the bondages and attachments all that stuff is uncomfortable, and if you can get in there and find the proper seat in the midst of this, then you'll notice that things actually are changing.

[67:22]

Now, if you try to get it to change in a particular way, then you clamp down on the creative possibilities of change, and you're on another trip, and you'll get a backlash from that, and you'll be attached and all that. But if you can settle into the discomfort, you'll notice that there's some, you gradually will notice there's some movement and new possibilities arise. And then you can get up and dance and throw your knee out. And then settle into having a dislocated knee and, you know, find your place with that and get up and vacuum. So, you know, we're just going... I just thought of this, what is it called, this book called Full Catastrophe Living. My mother recommended it.

[68:24]

Miriam? I'd like to talk some more about boredom. It seems a lot of my activities are to escape boredom But on the other hand, maybe boredom is another way of suffering, too. I think a lot of people feel like boredom is suffering. So today I was saying more like boredom is actually a kind of suffering. You could say it's a kind of suffering, but I actually called it a demon today, because it's a... it's certainly closely associated with suffering, but I think it's this kind of manifestation which says, you know, this is not worthy of your attention, this is not interesting, and you should be looking at something else. So I'm saying, I'm suggesting to you that when you feel boredom, there's actually probably some pain nearby. A lot of times when people say they're bored, they're pissed off when they say it. They say they're bored. In other words, the demon's saying, you're bored, this isn't interesting, but actually there's some pain there which they're angry about.

[69:30]

and they're just about to see it. And so there's some kind of process of delusion which comes in and says, don't look at this anymore. So there is pain right in the neighborhood, but you're also getting to a subtle place where things aren't so dramatic anymore, and you're not struggling for life, and you're not being entertained. This pain is actually coming into view, and as it comes into view, things get very subtle. And not much is happening as you approach seeing how things actually happen. Because when you, part of what seeing how things actually happen, part of what you see is that things aren't happening. And that's one of the very subtle aspects of patience, is to be patient with the fact that this whole thing isn't really happening. On some level, you know, this is not really happening. And that's very, you know, in other words, Pain can't come up without pleasure.

[70:36]

There has to be some difference from pain in order to be pain. Attachment can't come up without release. And in the world where attachment and non-attachment and pain and pleasure are kind of like dancing with each other, nothing can really be established independent of something else. In other words, there's no drama, there's no excitement, it's really, like, hard for our system to take that, because there's some level we feel like, if we face this, we'll just break into a million pieces, there'll be nothing left of me. So, like, there's some tendency to come in and say, don't look at this anymore, the whole system's going to collapse if you look at this anymore. So there's some kind of preservative psychic derivative of preserving our life, which is unhealthy. And the last boredom comes in there as you're really settling down to the subtlety. Because when almost nothing's happening, usually we don't find that very interesting.

[71:39]

And also, the almost nothing that's happening that you can see is very close to the almost nothing where you're not even there seeing it. where everything that's happening is with everything that's not happening. And there's no duality. And that's the place where you understand that there's nothing that exists aside from its causes. And the causes don't exist aside from the thing. And that's the realm where everything is liberated without losing its own phenomenal expression. So everything here can still keep happening and simultaneously be liberated from that self. And actually there's something very... shocking about that. It's something very shocking about nothing happening. And the most elevated and advanced form of patience is almost the same as wisdom. Patience to be able to stand that nothing really is happening is very similar to the understanding that delusion itself is enlightenment.

[72:41]

But just before you understand that delusion is enlightenment Usually this great demon comes in and says, this is really boring. You know, it's really boring. There's a lot more exciting stuff than this. There's a world where things are happening, where people are being born and people are dying. Let's get out of here. And it isn't that that world gets destroyed. It's just that there's another world. There's a world where Buddhas come and Buddhas go. There's a world where babies come and babies go. There's a world where friends come and friends go. You know about that world? And that world is misery. There's also a world where Buddhas don't come and go and people don't come and go. Isn't the world where they come and go

[73:45]

is tossed out, that world is simultaneous with the world where they don't come and go. It's just that if you appreciate the world where things don't come and go, you're liberated in the midst of the world where they do. And to get a glance or an entry into the world of non-duality, there's these guardians there of boredom. And of course there's other guardians which are much heavier duty, like, you know, greed and hate and confusion. But when those are gone, then there's boredom. Okay? Yes? Could you say more about what you just talked about in terms of the duality of being aware, on one hand, of the causes of personality stuff, and that's why... And then you're aware on the other hand that that doesn't really exist.

[74:48]

There's this duality that you kind of simultaneously wear off. But I don't know, there's some place in there where I get lost. Where if it, I don't know how to, I don't, I'm not even sure what else to say. But in listening to your description, I kind of know that place, but I get stuck there. and fall back. Would you say what you said again louder? You didn't hear that, did you? No. Say it over that way now, a little louder, please. I was asking for more clarification on that place of awareness of duality, where you're aware of distresses, causes that are really, you're aware that they're not really real. Okay, stop there, okay? First she said, something about awareness, did you say awareness of the realm of duality? Or did you say, is that what you said? And then you said something like, and you're aware that they're not really real.

[75:53]

Is that what you said? Yeah, that this one side... Okay, when people hear me talk like I've been talking, they think often, they translate that into that you would be aware of the world of duality, of gain and loss, of birth and death, of good and bad, that you'd be aware of that world and then you simultaneously or occasionally would think, this is not real. The thought, this is not real, is not the awareness that we're talking about. It's just more of the same dualistic thinking. To think that this is not real is to think there's something else that is. So when you think in the world of pain and misery and happiness and sadness and birth and death and gain and loss, when you think this isn't really real, or even suspect that it isn't really real. That's dualistic thinking too. There is actually no awareness of the world of non-duality. There is an understanding of non-duality that dawns on a person who studies duality.

[76:59]

So by clarifying duality you understand non-duality, but there's no such thing as duality and there's no such thing as non-duality. But if you study, but we think there is such a thing as duality. We think there is such a thing as you and me. We do. We think there is such a thing as good and bad. If you admit that, then you can study it. If you clarify it, the world of non-duality appears but not as something you're aware of. In what way does it appear? It sounds like you're talking about an intellectual awareness, but I don't think you are. No. What do you say? This kind of awareness, there is no, what do you call it, no traces of consciousness in non-dual awareness. It's a kind of awareness that has no consciousness in it. It's not an experience.

[78:07]

It just is. It's just the way things are. And there's no one looking at it. When you hear about this, then you hear about it, you hear about it and then you look at it and you see something like that, or you think about something like that. But that's more of the realm of having experiences about something that sounds really great, which is fine. That's part of what knocks on the door and says, the encouragement of that is, please study your not-your-dualistic thinking. In other words, study dualistic thinking means touch the pain, because dualistic thinking is always, without any exception, painful. Dualistic experience has within it experiences of great pleasure, great joy, But on some level, whenever you think there's separation between you and the experience, in other words, having an experience, a conscious experience, whenever there's that, whenever you think something's separate from you, you're bugged.

[79:10]

You're bothered. You're disturbed. You're vulnerable. You're miserable. On some level. Which, again, most people don't have to worry about being aware of that level. But when you get close to the level where you realize that every experience is bugging you, When you get close to that experience, usually boredom will come in there and say, this is not very interesting. It's not very interesting that everything would bug you. That's not interesting. Really, it's really boring that you're bothered by everything that you think of as an object. And then, how even more boring it would be to be exposed to a world where there aren't even any objects and where you aren't even bugged. So it's bad enough to be bugged by everything And wouldn't it be even more boring to be bugged by nothing? And also have nothing happen. And not even a you who's not being bugged. That's not a conscious experience.

[80:11]

Consciousness does not, there's no traces of consciousness in this illumination. It's like light. It's like a light. That's all. And there's no like, you can't like bring some consciousness into that light. It's like, what do they say, it's like, it's like snowflakes in a blazing furnace. Consciousness, you know, falls into this awareness and it just melts. But, this illumination does come into the consciousness. The consciousness can't be in the illumination, but the illumination comes into the consciousness. So the awakened, people that are awake, there's no, there's no, there's no traces of consciousness in their illumination, but their illumination completely pervades their consciousness. The light comes into the consciousness, but the consciousness doesn't go into the light. The light is, nothing's happening, because nothing can happen in light.

[81:17]

Light is just light. Light is just, the nature of, light is the nature of things. And the nature of things is, that whatever it is, it completely jumps out of itself. Everything is not attached to itself. Everything is free of itself by the way it is. But, that does not mean, but it still abides, it abides in its phenomenal expression and is liberated from itself simultaneously. That's the world of radiance. And that world is right now pervading our consciousness is the mother of our consciousness, is the father of our consciousness. But our consciousness cannot walk into that world. It melts because consciousness is always consciousness of something. I have experience of something. That world evaporates in this light. But once you enter that light, you come back from that light, that light comes back into your life so that you live

[82:20]

And you can appreciate and be encouraged by that understanding. And the entrance into the light is facing the darkness. The entrance into freedom from pain is clarifying the birth of pain. As you study pain, as you study duality, you enter this realm. But as soon as you enter this realm, there's no duality anymore. You can't bring your consciousness with you as you enter non-duality. Everything drops off body and mind drops off at the point of entry. But before you enter, you have to deal with all the hassles of having a body and mind. If you have any resistance to having a body and mind, you're locked out of the world of body and mind dropped off. And then, once the body and mind are dropped off, and you drop that off, you drop off dropping off, which means you come back and have a body again. So are you like in the dual world again? You're always in the dual world, but there's an initial entry into non-duality that has to be dropped, so you're back in the world again.

[83:27]

You never really did leave or go anyplace, but there was a moment of release, and you had to let go of your release and come back and hold on again. So then you're suffering again. You're suffering again, right. But this time you're suffering from the wanting to embrace all life again and save it. which is the bodhisattva's vow, is to come back from release. In other words, to be released from being released. You can get stuck in being released. Which some of you may think, well, that's not my problem. You've been talking about pain, and you've been saying what you can do with a friend is be there, hold their hand, maybe hold your own hand. What about you're at a tough session, and a whole hunk of pain comes up, and you want to rush out and scream?

[84:35]

What does a center like this do in their programming to address such pain? things? If I'm sitting and the feeling comes up in me, I want to rush out and scream? Me? Are you asking what I would do? Or what the center would do? Well, you're both one. You mean what the people do is what the center does? What did you say? I said anyway. No, wait a minute. If you're sitting here, isn't what you do what the sinner does? You said it's one, right? Or am I the only one who is what the sinner does? I think she said what the sitter does.

[85:38]

Did you say what the sitter does? No, I said what the sinner does. Yeah, I heard her saying what's our policy here, right? Isn't that what you're wondering about? Well, my... Yes, you. Well, start with me. Now... If I'm sitting and I feel like I want to run out, I'm in pain, big chunk of pain comes. Now, do I think I want to run out and scream? Well, if I think I want to run out and scream, then I think, okay, now do I really want to run out and scream? So then I, well, if I say yes, then I would start to get up. You really want to run out and scream? Well, first of all, as soon as I uncross my legs, that might make a difference. But anyway, let's say I have a different pain. Maybe I have a pain in my back. And uncrossing my legs won't work. So I get up carefully and kind of, maybe I hobble out of the Zen door.

[86:39]

I get out the side door and I'm out on the deck. Now, under what circumstance would screaming be helpful? Now, if I, like, need help, you know, I can't walk, I think if I went out and screamed to get help, I think that might possibly be a good thing to do. Because then people come out and, like, transport me to some, you know, reasonable place to be. And I think everyone would be very happy with it. And I say, well, yeah, but you're leading the Sashin, so, you know, you can do whatever you want. But... And that's true. And I would take the responsibility that what I do... crossing my legs, uncrossing my legs, getting up from my seat, walking, standing up and walking and going outside the room, all those things would be my responsibility and my way of teaching. I would take that thing now as, what is this teaching people?

[87:39]

Part of what I have to do is teach people, how do I take care of myself in suffering? That's basically what I'm showing. I'm suffering, how do I take care of myself? Do I push too hard? Some people think, you push too hard, you're setting a bad example. Sometimes people think, well, you're not pushing hard enough, you're setting a bad example. I think what people want from me is my best shot at showing my most skillful and creative way of dealing with my suffering. And it's possible that under some circumstances the thing to do is to get up, hobble out and scream. That could be helpful. I often tell the story of, you know, I would come home from sessions and So on my breaks, my legs are uncrossed, so I'm pretty comfortable. And maybe even experiencing the bliss of being released from the pain of sitting on my breaks. And I come home and be about some number of inches off the ground, kind of glide into the house. And my wife and daughter might be sort of in some kind of like meaningless debate, fighting with each other.

[88:47]

And I might walk by and look down upon them with compassion and offer some words of encouragement and then maybe glide on. And they look at me like, how irrelevant, you know? What good does it do to sit if you talk like that? Where I remember one time, I really, my back was really hurting, I could barely walk, you know, my skin was gray with pain. And I was really having a hard time and I came sort of, you know, hobbling into the house and, you know, I didn't look down on them and their petty squabbles anymore. And they liked me to be that way. And I wasn't disconnected from them. I was suffering too. And I was doing my best under the circumstances to deal with my suffering, to take care of my body, to get it in the house and rest it a little while before I went back to sit some more.

[89:53]

I was actually... Someone might say, well, you shouldn't have kept sitting. That was too much. You're pushing too hard. But I don't know. By the end of Sashin, I was feeling better. And it was mostly hard to stand and walk, actually. But when I was sitting, I wasn't so bad. And I've had other Sashins where I've gone to see... a doctor in the middle of Sashin to help me with some back problem I have or something. So when do you go to the doctor? When do you get a chiropractor? When do you get a massage? When do you rest? You know, we all have problems of taking care of our body day by day. And sometimes the thing to do is to get up and scream. Once in a while, that's just the right thing to do. And other times, it's not the right thing to do. And you have to decide what's the most creative, beneficial, intelligent, healthy thing to do with your pain. And whether you're leading the session or not, that's your responsibility.

[90:56]

And you know you have people around you who are working hard and if you scream, it might or might not be helpful to them. It might be an inspiration to say, God, she's suffering so much and, you know, And here we have someone here who's being with us and has such tremendous suffering. It's really encouragement. And a lot of people that might be kind of sitting there kind of like, might go, oh, this is not, you know, with a person like that here, I'm going to start paying attention and I'm going to sit up straight. Some people sometimes get lazy or sleep in there, you know, and then they, huh? It might wake them up and it might really encourage them and snap them out of some wasting their time. If you just cried out, and oftentimes people don't scream, but oftentimes you hear people crying for whatever reason, because pain in their body or mind or heart. And you hear the cry, and some cries you may hear may make you feel like, you know, am I helping this person by sitting here? Maybe if it's your neighbor, you might...

[92:01]

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