Yesterday, someone mentioned to me that he had crinkled his face and said that he had some problem because maybe American style is to look happy. Hope I kind of gave him away on that one. But maybe, look happy, but maybe you feel some pain that's not being expressed. Maybe a more straightforward way would just be to say, I have pain. I don't know about American way, but part of the problem in some ways that I have actually is I sometimes just want to say, you know, I'm really happy.

[01:04]

But that's in a context of something else. It's a happiness which in some sense is a kind of, what do you call it, it's kind of like a oomph, as in try oomph, I'm suffering but I'm also happy, so there. I've got enough problems and I'm taking revenge on them by being happy. So anyway, but there is sadness and that's important to keep in touch with, as I said yesterday. Self-interest is very, our energy is coagulated and constellated around self-interest

[02:06]

and when we're self-interested we can do amazing things, but there should be enlightened self-interest. There should be sympathy for our own and other people's suffering, grounding that willingness to make an effort. You know, in some sense the biggest part of my pain or major part of my pain is simply in my own, what do you call it, self-receiving, self-using awareness. Self-using means using myself, employing myself, in other words doing my job. In doing my job it's quite, you know, difficult to know how to do it. I have a lot of questions about the inadequacy of performing my job.

[03:10]

Thinking about this is part of my self-receiving, self-employing awareness. It's also part of my self-joyousness awareness. But I don't tell you about this all the time, about the difficulty of being employed in this work. If I'm aware of it, then I'm aware of it. If I'm not, that's my problem and I have to work on that more, to keep grounded. My, our ancestor, Dogen Zenji, seems to have been a hard-working person.

[04:20]

Really making an effort, a ceaseless effort to carry on the work of bodhisattva. But even he said, awake or asleep in my grass hut, I always say, homage to Shakyamuni Buddha, please take pity on me. Awake or asleep in my Tassajara cabin, I always say, homage to Shakyamuni Buddha, please take pity on me as I try to do the practice of your way.

[05:28]

So, this is a poem. From my son, Peter. From my daughter, Patty. Who I have hurt a thousand times. Whose large and vulnerable eyes have gazed in pain at my ragings. Thin wrists and fingers hung in boneless despair. Pale and freckled back bent in defeat.

[07:02]

Pillows soaked by my lack of understanding. I have scarred through weakness and impatience. Your frail confidence forever. Because when I needed to be strict, you were there to be hurt. And because I thought you knew you were beautiful. And fair, your bright eyes and hair. But now I see that no one knows that about himself or herself.

[08:14]

But has to be told and retold until it takes hold. Because I think anything can be killed after a while, especially beauty. So I write this poem for life, for love, for my son, Peter. Page 10, going on 11. I feel I have to sweep back over this painful territory again and again with you.

[09:17]

So that we can settle completely into our work. And so, again, I bring us back with my word to the study of the self. To the upright sitting in the midst of studying the self which only receives the self. To settle into thoughts, into patterns of thoughts which bind us hand and foot.

[10:43]

To settle into thoughts about ourselves. To observe and watch how we view ourselves. And to see how the way we see ourselves makes us think we can or cannot do things. Makes us think we should or should not do things. But everything we try to do or don't try to do is because of what we think about ourselves. It's appropriate for me to touch him or it's not appropriate for me to touch him. I can't touch him because of the way I see myself. Or I must do this because of the way I see myself.

[11:48]

We're driven, painfully driven by our view of ourselves. So we have to, I propose, we have to look and see how do we see ourselves. What is this pattern? How do we see ourselves such that we basically don't know what to do even though we find ourselves forced to do many things. Again, I propose that if I can settle into these patterns of thoughts, if we can settle into these patterns of thoughts, we will be able to realize that these patterns of thoughts are no patterns of thought. But this insight comes from settling into these patterns of thoughts, these views of ourselves.

[13:01]

So someone told me about pushing up against a rough exterior, pushing up against a rough exterior. Someone else asked me, how's your heart? And when he asked me, I felt not so intense, but I felt a soreness and a tingliness. And I didn't say to him, but I felt like there was sandpaper on my heart. And I wasn't rubbing a lot back and forth. It was just like pressed and vibrating slightly. It wasn't real intense pain, but there was my heart against a rough exterior, I felt when he asked me, like sandpaper on somewhat exposed flesh. There is this pressing which has a rhythm against a rough exterior, a rough external, a rough other.

[14:28]

There is a pressing against the not-me. There is a pressing against the world, a rough world, and that pressing can be painful. There is a pressing against my posture, my rough posture. In various yogic postures, there is a pressing against the posture, the external posture, the rough posture. This is, of course, often painful. Sometimes the rough exterior is pleasant. Sometimes the exterior is smooth. Sometimes when we are pressing against this exterior, we go into a kind of a spasm, or we have a fit.

[15:41]

Sometimes a fit is like an epileptic fit, and we go unconscious. Such times are, I don't know, relatively useless. This is a terror which we cannot stand, but if we can stand it and we can stay awake in that fit, in that spasm, in that pain at touching the world, we can see the self, we can understand the little self pushing against this surface. And if we can stay awake through that, we can learn. Buddha can talk to us. We can hear the Dharma even in the middle of the fit. You can hear the Blue Jays. You can hear, clearly observe.

[17:01]

Or like that story I told you once about when I was talking to someone one time, a very nice man, but for some reason or other, I don't know how it got started, but he started talking to me and I started to lose interest. And as I lost interest, my energy started to go down. And as my energy started to go down, I lost more interest. And I saw this happening and I was afraid I was going to simply expire, and yet I wouldn't let myself lie down on the ground, which would have been a good thing to do, but I didn't do it. I realized that somehow in order to get out of the conversation before I was dead, I had to rouse my energies, but I didn't have the energy to think of how to rouse my energies. And I was starting to panic in a very low energy way. And then a voice came up inside of me, which said, I love you, Rebi, and perked me up.

[18:29]

Looking at that story, I think the key was I knew I was dying. I felt my energy draining. You know, I mentioned to some people over the last ... well, actually, during this practice period I've noticed it quite a bit, that a word has become highly frequent, very frequently used here during this practice period. The word that's been used is interesting. Did I tell you about that word? No. I will now. People are using it a lot to describe what's going on here. And I more and more felt like the word interesting was actually a euphemism. Actually, I was talking to Leslie one time and she said interesting, you know, and she had said interesting to me about some other interesting things before, and I said, Leslie, would you please say that to me without saying interesting?

[19:50]

And she went ... but she, you know, very obediently tried to say it without saying interesting. And finally what she came up with was, I think, little or small. Was that it? Tiny. Tiny. Tiny little grits of sand on your heart. Which then actually what you want to say is some non-euphemistic word in response to that irritation, that tiny little kink, that little twisted piece of karma, or a result of karma which is now impacting on you, which we call interesting during this practice period. Because a lot of people are feeling this surface and they're saying interesting. So I said to Leslie something about what interesting meant, but then I looked it up.

[20:52]

The word interest means, which is located in the neighborhood of the dictionary, by the way, to intersect. Which you probably know what that means, right? Intersect. But I thought it was interesting. Intersect means ... inter means ... what's so funny? You thought it was interesting? Huh? You thought it was interesting? I thought it was interesting. In this case that's not a euphemism. I did think it was interesting. I was not upset by this at all. I was gratified. Anyway, intersect means mutually cut. Inter means mutual. Then I looked up interest. Inter means between, but what we often don't think of is it means mutual. Between implies mutual. The other part is essay, which means to be. Interest means to be in between. The etymology is to be in between.

[22:06]

Or mutual being. Mutual to be. To be mutually. Or to matter. Or to be of concern. Or to share. And these little things, to be mutually, to be mutual. And interesting means arousing or holding the attention. These little teeny things are arousing and holding our attention. So interesting is actually a good word, except that oftentimes along with the interest is I wish I wasn't interested in this. I'd like to trade this in on something else. So one of the interesting things is a sense of separation.

[23:17]

A painful sense of separation. I think what this self-receiving, self-using samadhi is, to a great extent, and sitting upright with that, is to be aware of this separation. And how weak and vulnerable and limited we are. This separation makes us feel our limitation. When Dogen Zenji says in his work, take pity on me. Take pity on my limitedness, on the limits of my work, on my inability, my inadequacy as a teacher, as a bodhisattva.

[24:29]

This hopefully comes from his acceptance of his vulnerability, of his limitation. So how can we watch this separation and love this separation? Not love like like, because we don't like it. We don't like pain, but you can love pain. You can watch it. You can respect it. You can honor it. You can listen to it. I think it's okay even to massage it. If it's not a massage like, get out of here, get out of here separation. It's more like, what does this separation feel like? What does it feel like when my awareness meets this painful body?

[25:32]

What does it feel like? How is it when my awareness, when myself meets these rough external patterns of thought, which are limiting me, which are dragging me around and stopping me from figuring out what I want to do with my life? Because I can't figure it out because I'm holding on to these thoughts and they're holding me. How can we get close to the separation and sit still with it until it tells us it's secret? And releases us from its bondage.

[26:40]

So someone came and told me about, you know, yesterday when I told you the story about my Dharma era, remember that one? Well, one person was listening to this. I think I maybe introduced the story by telling you this is a story about my Dharma era. So one person, maybe more than one, was listening to see if it was a story about them. They thought perhaps they'd be able to recognize it. And as the story proceeded, one person noticed that it didn't seem to be about her or him. And then there was some kind of feeling of separation from Dharma successorship. Like, there's Dharma successorship and I'm over here and there's a separation there. And I don't remember exactly, but I think he said that it was a little bit uncomfortable and some thoughts, some little thoughts, some weeds grew up around the edge of this sidewalk.

[27:50]

I forgot what the weeds were like. You can imagine. Dharma successorship, Dharma era? Dharma era? There's no Dharma era. This is Tathagata to teach. Therefore, you can cram that Dharma era up your ear. If it's not me, it's no good anyway. Don't you understand? I can't remember. But anyway, this person went through this little woodsy area of responses to this separation. And then at some point, I don't know what happened, but then somehow the person felt somehow released from not only that concern, but almost every other one. All interest was, you know, gone. And it was a great release. So I said to that person, okay, now you're the Dharma era. He said, oh no, don't take away my freedom.

[28:57]

That's right. Once you're a Dharma era, then you're stuck in that bag. Then you've got, okay, Dharma era, oh God. Now that means I can't do that and I have to do this. Oh no. If you're not a Dharma era, you're limited by that. If you are a Dharma era, you're limited by that. You're limited. Either way, that's yourself. And that's hard to accept. I'm not going to compare anybody to anybody else about the level of acceptance of this limitation.

[30:06]

All I've got to say is, it's a matter of thoroughness. We must thoroughly accept the limitation. That's it. Until you thoroughly accept it, you don't thoroughly accept it. If there's one shred of not accepting it, there's one little hook, one little cobweb is holding you from freedom. And one little thread is enough to hold you. We're so sensitive, we're so responsive, that one thread can hold us back from freedom. That's how interesting it is. That's how tiny it is. One thread can hold you back. One thread can set you off. I don't know much about the stars.

[31:29]

The reason why I don't know much about them is because I haven't been really devoted to them over the years. I haven't watched them enough and loved them enough. I've liked them a little bit, but I don't even like them as much as some people like them. But recently, I think I've started to watch the stars and love the stars. But I don't love them like ... I don't know what. I just look at them. I just wonder about them a little bit. I didn't even make a decision to love the flowers or devote my attention to the flowers, I mean to the stars. But I did. I just did, spontaneously. I was interested. I was concerned with the little lights in the sky.

[32:30]

My sense of self allowed me to study them a little bit. Particularly, I studied the moon. Somebody said to me, I said to Leon, can we borrow those candlestick holders from the Zen Dojo? They don't need them. There's no big ceremonies coming up. So he went and borrowed them and he came back and said they need them on the 6th for the Bodhisattva ceremony. And I said, 6th? Okay, well, use them until the 6th. We can burn a lot of candles between now and then. I'll try to not get into that. Okay, come back. Stay on the topic. The moon. So I thought, the 6th? The moon's going to be full on the 6th? That's not very far away. How's it going to get full by the 6th? So I've been watching it, and watching it.

[33:39]

And it's getting full, but I think, how's it going to get there by the 6th? It's got a long way to go. And then last night, I looked up on my way to the Zen Dojo and I had a little insight. Just a little one, a little insight for a little love. A little insight for a little watching, a little wondering. What's going on with that moon? I saw it was about half, and I thought, half? There's only about a week left until the ceremony's going to happen. How's it going to get from half to full in only about 6 days? I thought, Jesus, taking all this time to get half, how can in 6 days it get to be full? It just seemed like it couldn't make it, you know? But then I thought, well, that's a week. Maybe it could go from half to full in a week, because maybe it went from black to half in a week,

[34:43]

and then it would go from full to half in another week, and then go from half to black in another week, so actually it worked out. And I saw that actually it can make it, and it all makes perfect sense. And so this all happened to me like, you know, and I turned around to Daigo and said, Daigo, I just had an astronomical insight. He said, what is it? And I said, see the moon? Doesn't it seem like it's going to be hard for it to get from half to full in 6 days? He said, yeah, it does seem like that. And I explained to him. And he thought, he said, that is a good insight. But doesn't that seem like that? How is it going to get all the... But see, you forget about the part where it's working to get black again. It spends 14 days the other side, so that makes it faster on this side.

[35:44]

Anyway, those are the secrets that the moon told me because I watched it. If you watch this not so pleasant stuff, which is actually the moon inside your body, as it presses against this surface, I predict that you will have insights. And this heart which you can't imagine becoming completely free because you only have 7 days left, or 1 day left, or you know, 6 months left, or you know, 1 year left, or... There's not much time. How is it going to get full in time? Well, if you watch carefully, you may be able to see. But it's kind of painful sometimes to watch this, or sometimes it's what's called, it's interesting. And sometimes it's...

[36:47]

And sometimes it's... And sometimes it's... Anyway, that's the work, the hard work of settling into the self, which means settling into separation. Settling to self means accepting that you're a limited critter, and that you make boo-boos all the time. But somehow, another boo-boo that we sometimes make is to say, OK, I give up. I'm not going to make an effort anymore. That's another lack of acceptance of limitation. Somehow, we need to keep asking for help

[37:49]

from Shakyamuni Buddha and other people to keep going. So, from the first time you meet a master, you should wholeheartedly sit and thus drop away body and mind. And wholeheartedly sit means wholeheartedly sit with this body, this limited body, thoroughly accept this limited self, thoroughly accept this painful separation. And then, if you completely give yourself to that, completely devote yourself to that, that's dropping body and mind. Some scholar did some research on, you know, what dropping body and mind is,

[38:57]

and did this big study, all the sources and information about what dropping body and mind is. I don't know how big the book was, but anyway, got lots of resources and information in the literature over hundreds of years about what dropping body and mind is. But, I think that in order to actually get intimate with dropping body and mind, it's better if you have a really simple description of what that is. Because if it's real complicated, you're going to have trouble bringing all that stuff there to your work. So, it's better not to even have a hammer, or a screwdriver, or a band-aid, but just understand dropping body and mind is something very simple. And if it's really simple, you can really get intimate with it. It's just to sit with the self, to sit with this separation,

[40:02]

to sit calmly and quietly, and watch this pressing, this pushing against limitation. Okay. Now, the next thing I want to talk about, two more things. I don't know if I can do them today. There's three more things that I want to do. One is, in the rest of the day or tomorrow, I want to talk about the next paragraph of this text, which describes the merit of this session of unsettling,

[41:02]

which describes what you will be initiated into, or what happens as a result of your becoming intimate with yourself, with your limited self. That's one thing I'd like to talk about. The other thing is, I want to talk about this thing about transmission of this transmission of this Samadhi. And the other thing I want to talk about is this, you know, entering into the way of imperceptible mutual assistance, which talks about how the merit of Zazen comes into our interactions with people. So, that's what I would like to do, but I don't know if I can do it. But I just want to tell you that I have to recognize my limitations.

[42:03]

Okay? Ready? Next thing is the next paragraph. So, the paragraph which I just finished was you should just wholeheartedly sit and thus drop away body and mind. Now, if you do that, I mean, if that's done, if that happens, then, when even for a moment you express Buddha's mudra, Buddha's seal on the three actions, the three kinds of karma, body, body karma, body karma means like a posture, a posture, a posture, verbal karma, speaking, and mental karma, your thinking. If you impress this Buddha's seal, this Buddha mudra, this Buddha's stamp of approval

[43:08]

on your body, speech and mind by doing what we just said happened, by sitting upright in this samadhi, in this samadhi of feeling the self and the other and understanding this mutual fostering and limitation, the whole phenomenal world becomes Buddha's mudra, the whole phenomenal world becomes Buddha's seal and the entire sky turns into enlightenment. Because of this, all Buddha Tathagatas as their original source, as their original ground, increase their dharma bliss,

[44:11]

their dharma joy and renew the magnificence in the awakening of the way. Renew their adornment in the awakening of the way. Furthermore, all beings in ten directions and the six realms including the lower realms of hell, animals and hungry ghosts at once obtain pure body and mind and realize the great state of emancipation and manifest the original face. At this time, all things realize correct awakening, myriad objects partake of the Buddha body and sitting upright, a king, a queen, under the Bodhi tree, you immediately leap beyond the boundary of personal awakening. At this moment,

[45:12]

you turn the unsurpassably great dharma wheel and expound the profound wisdom, ultimate and unconditioned beyond all human agency. Because of this, such broad awakening, because of such broad awakening, because such broad awakening resonates back to you and helps you inconceivably. You will sit in zazen unmistakably drop away body and mind cutting off all the various defiled thoughts from past and realize essential Buddha Dharma. You will thus raise up Buddha activity in innumerable practice places of Buddha Tathagatas everywhere, cause everyone to have the opportunity of ongoing Buddhahood and vigorously uplift the ongoing Buddha Dharma. This is the merit

[46:13]

of this simple difficult work. This simple conscious work of being aware of this self which is the focal point of the world of consciousness and the teaching of this G.G.U. Zamai is the teaching

[47:16]

to the person who is working with the self about how the self is not the self. This is just the basic teaching of Buddha of no self. But no self does not mean there isn't a self. No self means that the self is not the self. Or the teaching of not self is the teaching about what the self is. What the self is is that the self is identical with not the self. That's what the self is. It's the thing that it's the self that embraces self and not self. This work this difficult work of being this limited self which you know about you know this limited self. The limited self can be known. You can know it. You can also know

[48:17]

to some extent moment by moment little chunks of not self. You can know the self because it's an object of your consciousness and you can know little pieces of not self. And the little pieces of not self are pressing against the piece of objective self. This you can know. When you settle with this you will realize the oneness of the self you know and the not self you know. This you will understand. And that oneness when you see that oneness and understand that oneness then I don't mean to promise anything but anyway then through that narrow tight painful kink you open up into the world of the rest of not self. You open up to the world you do not know.

[49:19]

This world is not kinky. It's not twisted. It is not limited. It is not vulnerable. It is unadulterated unsurpassable bliss and peace and freedom. And you don't know about it. The merit of Zazen is your effort to be this little thing and to sit there and do this goes out into this realm you don't know about and it makes the entire cosmos enlightenment. It makes everything in the universe sit up and do its job.

[50:25]

You're putting the Buddha seal on your body, mind and thought then everything puts the Buddha seal on itself. Because this is oneness there is no way that the world can resist cooperating. It has no choice it will roll at your feet in ecstasy. Because of this all the Buddha Tathagatas as their original ground increase their Dharma joy, their Dharma bliss and renew the magnificence of awakening

[51:39]

in the way or renew their adornments in awakening of the way. What are the adornments of the Buddhas? What is the magnificence of the Buddhas? We are the adornment of Buddhas. When you sit you decorate Buddha. Buddha will give you this what do you call it purple heart. Buddha for this one you get the what do you call it national congressional medal of honor for this guy. You got this guy to sit still you get a congressional medal of honor for that. Thank you very much. This guy has been running around all over town for years causing all kinds of trouble. Finally he sits still drop body and mind thank you Buddha. We when we sit

[52:39]

renew Buddha gets a new adornment a new bracelet a new emerald necklace gets put on Buddha by your effort. Because this is what Buddhas are. Buddhas are living with us and when we do this we join them. They want company that's all they want is somebody to come and practice with them and finally we join them. In a realm beyond separateness in a realm of oneness we join all Buddhas and we increase their Dharma bliss and renew you know refurbish their magnificence and their magnificence is living beings practicing the way of freedom. That's what their magnificence is. Coming we come down to the ground that's their ground too. Buddhas have given up they've given up their enlightenment.

[53:41]

They give up their enlightenment and come down to the ground for us. Awakening comes down to the ground that's its source. When we come down to the ground we join them. This is their Dharma bliss and by joining them the magnificence of that simple radical practice is renewed all this in the realm beyond separation which is the realm we know. This is what happens to the Buddhas. The Buddhas are in Dharma bliss. The Buddhas have got all this magnificent adornments which they give up. They give up their personal

[54:44]

enlightenment to be on the ground with us. But when we join them they get their personal enlightenment back. Renewed. Renewed by the latest we are then we are always at that moment the latest rendition the latest edition the latest edition of Buddha's adornments. We are the absolute latest hottest item. Can you wait? Do this.

[55:45]

Do this. So this one is this is the movie and this is I was talking to somebody you know when you're when you're up to bat you know and they're pitching you delusions are you pitching yourself delusions of seeing separate from others you know you're not the ball, right? The ball is your enemy it's kind of like slipping by where did that ball go? It's important you gotta be there at the [...] plate to hit the ball. You gotta be on the ground at the plate to hit the ball. You you have to be awake about the delusion. You can't be deluded about the delusion. I mean people can be deluded about delusion

[56:46]

but if you're deluded about delusion it's like trying to hit the ball while running around the field. You have to give up the delusion about delusion and you have to come and stand at the plate on the ground. Then you have a chance after many balls are thrown to you to see it coming and say there it is my god here baby this is mine this is not separate from me really. So at that time you drop your attachments to these thoughts you drop your attachment to these patterns you give up thoughts which is the same as just to sit and Uchiyama Roshi said that he'd like to see them make a movie about this. Apparently he doesn't

[57:49]

go to the movies very much because they do make movies about this. Maybe I should send him a video of some of these movies. Huh? Oh about this about about when you you're all caught up you know with your thoughts you're driven by your thoughts you think your thoughts are true yes master whatever you say boss you know it's best yeah I can't do this I can't do that I have to do this when you give that stuff up in other words you just watch it and you love it and you hear the secrets the thoughts are telling you the thoughts are telling you hey man I'm just a thought I'm just a delusion guess what and I'm you so he would like to see a movie where somebody's like driven by all their thoughts you know like I want this

[58:50]

I want that you know running around and finally they just drop want to see that the movie just drop somebody just dropping it want to see a movie about dropping body and mind where someone comes back to the ground and I thought when I read that I thought oh yeah it's like that movie a new movie which I have not seen but I saw the runner for it it's called Groundhog Day so I thought everybody should be groundhogs hog the ground you know huh what it's a hog that lives in the ground it's like a little gopher it's a gopher but I think a little different than a gopher bigger than a gopher about this big about this size bigger than a gopher but not much bigger than a gopher and they come up on Groundhog Day

[59:51]

and look around and see what they can see the shadow you have to see the shadow before they go back in if they see their shadow they get scared and go back in but if they see their shadow that means spring is coming early means the sun was out yeah this only works this only works in Nebraska I think I thought it was in Pennsylvania no no that's Pennsylvania excuse me that's Punxsutawney, Ohio Pennsylvania Coastal Iowa it only works in Pennsylvania you try this in Iowa forget it in Iowa they just do it like regular hogs back at the barn so it's a movie about this guy who I didn't see the movie right I'm just guessing it's a movie about this guy

[60:56]

who goes someplace on Groundhog Day and he lives a day you know and then the next and then at the end of the day he wakes up and it's the same day again and he starts to understand this is what's happening that he's actually at the end of every day he's going to get the same day to do again so finally he realizes he's got nothing to lose because he's got the same he's going to have to do this day again so he might as well I think finally what he realizes he might as well do it all the way because no matter what he does he's just going to get the same day again so after a while he's able to jump off buildings and stuff and as soon as he jumps off the building he wakes up and it's the next day do you understand? well you do don't you think about it get it?

[62:02]

just say no if you don't I'll explain it to you if this is your last day okay you don't have to worry about whether you have to you know you can actually let go of everything and enjoy your life you don't have to do what you think you can do anymore you don't have to do what you think you should do anymore okay now the next level of getting into this thing about the merits of this zazen I think if I do that now that the lecture will go to lunch so maybe I should give it up and take Matt's question I don't know about that time

[63:04]

but I was just going to ask who are Buddhas? who are Buddhas? well Buddhas are not recognized by their marks, right? that's one thing about them if you see if you think that the Buddhas are recognized by these marks and like you look around and say oh there's a Buddha and I can tell it's a Buddha by the marks that's not a Buddha okay so that's that's not what it is so if you're like looking around to see any Buddhas and you can't see any because you don't see anybody that looks like what you think a Buddha should look like well that's that's fine because that's not how you spot them anyway if you should happen to see one say somebody just like the doors opened up and this guy sort of bent down a little bit to get in and it was golden and looks like if he stood up he would be 16 feet tall okay if they say now I see the Buddha that would not be the Buddha

[64:04]

that would be another object of thought that would be you Buddha is not you Buddha is when you realize that all you know is you and when you accept that all you know is you you start hanging out with Buddha Buddha and Buddha said like I said at the Parinirvana ceremony if you if you people think that I entered Parinirvana you're not my disciple if you think I don't enter Parinirvana you're not my disciple so Buddha is not like something like that that enters or doesn't enter extinction Buddha is what you realize when you come down to the ground when you're on the ground of your existence when you're willing to be a limited person you will realize that you're not

[65:07]

a limited person that the things that aren't you are exactly you when you realize this you will meet Buddha and Buddha will not be an object or a subject you will meet in your freedom from your limitation and your Dharma joy that's where you meet Buddha that's what Buddha is it's something that's completely free of anything we can you know know however it's through being limited knowing beings that we meet Buddha when you meet Buddha is there a difference between you and Buddha no and there isn't now either there's never a difference and Buddha somehow the word has come through the people who seem happiest have told us that

[66:08]

but although these people are Buddha just like you're Buddha it's not some characteristic of this person that makes them Buddha this Jiji Uzama is completely beyond any kind of comparison like that this self that you're focusing on is a dynamic focus so the way you express yourself is through the other and the way the other expresses itself is through you focusing on that right now the way you're expressing yourself is through me and the way I'm expressing myself is through you that awareness is the entry point

[67:11]

to meeting Buddhas and if you enter through that dynamic way when you meet Buddha you'll continue this dynamic relationship because we have a faith and we have to deal with that and the only way to deal with it is to see it because you can't see your face the only way you can see your face is to see somebody else's face it's the only way so you have to meet the other face

[68:16]

but it's not like the other face is supposed to look a certain way it's actually supposed to look like you but what do you look like? you don't look some way you look like that other face so the way you look is actually totally free but you need that other face to see your own the other face expresses your face and your face expresses the other face this is the only and both of these faces are Buddha but it's not like one of them by themselves is a Buddha and the other one by itself is a Buddha the Buddha is actually only alive when the two faces are looking at each other otherwise it's just talk but when two faces are facing each other if they're human beings there is this separation and if they can live

[69:18]

with that separation they will realize that the separation is pivoting on this two dynamic selves and the pain will show you how dynamic it is and you will enter and Buddhas will be encouraged and you will leap beyond your personal awakening and Buddha will also has already given up her personal awakening in order to meet you that's why these people say Amishti Shakyamuni Buddha take pity on me there is somebody else we are deeply thoroughly connected all of us we're connected

[70:21]

but we're separated by a sea of death in order to meet we must die dying means give up everything all thoughts all agendas other than just being ourselves in that death we realize we're connected in that death we enter oneness and there we realize that every finger you raise meets Buddha but there too in order to raise your finger and see Buddha meeting you you have to have a face that sees Buddha's face so when you realize when you go like this Buddha smiles Buddha winks or when Buddha goes like this you wink you have to see that this is going on all the time but without realization without practice I should say

[71:21]

without practice you don't have this realization and without the realization you don't experience this there's no Buddha apart from meeting correcto it is delusion it is delusion it is the definition it's the basic fundamental delusion is I'm separate from you that's the basic one that's a delusion no it's not well the hurt isn't the delusion but that somebody else is hurting you is a delusion that there's somebody else is a delusion that's a delusion

[72:22]

that you don't understand that you that what you are is hurting you now just a second here now when you made that move where did that come from was that from practice this thing about if I walk out the door and a rock falls on me where did that come from look where that came from yeah what right it came from there but then it took a step someplace else I think away from just trying to understand away from just loving it I think you jumped away from it to a place called

[73:23]

not at the you know batter's box or whatever it is plate plate you moved away from the plate I think and that's where that question came from the frustration is fine but you're supposed to stay there with it not jump away and then talk to me about it that's where that second question came from I proposed to you and if I talk to you about that we're just going to go farther and farther from the plate you stay at the plate ask questions from the plate please and I will do my best to stay there with you and keep throwing you balls but that question I think you moved away from the plate and you started want to throw balls at me instead which is a normal reaction to this kind of stuff

[74:26]

well then you take it then I've had enough and if I'm not taking it I should be told that I should take it but that doesn't mean you stop you're throwing balls at me no matter what you don't have to worry about that but the balls you throw I want you to throw from your position and if you're frustrated I want you to throw them from suffering from frustration not from over there a little bit I want you to throw them from the separation I want to see what questions you ask me from the separation from that pain ask me a question from there if you want pardon? someone what? my agony at hurting someone else you don't understand

[75:33]

my agony at hurting someone else? you don't? no in the poem hurting to my son yeah I know but is it in the poem you didn't understand someone's agony at hurting someone else you didn't understand that? no is that a delusion that we hurt each other? no it's not a delusion that we hurt each other it's a delusion that the other is hurting me that's a delusion I'm hurting myself that story is both about me as a father and me as a son it touches me because of what I do to others and what others do to me it's going in both directions it's not just an apology it's also receiving an apology it's a delusion to think that I hurt the other not because it's a delusion that I hurt them it's a delusion that I think they're other

[76:34]

it's the thinking that the other is at the delusion once you're deluded you do hurt that's where the hurt comes from it comes from that delusion that's the source of the delusion that's the source of the pain it's the separation the pain is not a delusion the pain is real the pain is telling you that you're deluded the pain is showing you where your problem is when you talk about this merit of subtleness what? when you talk about this merit of subtleness from Logan how do you talk about it? the merit of being settled the merit of being settled?

[77:37]

yes it seems to me like there's something to achieve there's something to achieve? uh-huh no, it's not true the seeming that way is coming from this deluded way of thinking and that should be painful it should be painful that you think when you see that there's something to achieve and there's a Buddha to catch or like someone said to me a world to catch up with or keep up with that should be painful if you settle with that separation of you and attaining that should become eventually you should realize there's some discomfort in that there's some drivenness some bondage in that okay what you should do is realize that that way of thinking is the way you do think that's part of your limitedness that's part of your vulnerability

[78:39]

is that you're subject to think that way okay and if you accept I think that way when I hear that or when I hear about Buddhism I think there's Buddha to attain or enlightenment to attain that's something which I realize I should confess but the realm of this Samadhi is not to think I will now be I deluded person will attain Buddhahood or I will meet Buddha I agree it sounds like that but everything sounds like that everything in the world sounds like that to us no matter what they say no matter if they come to you and they say you know there's nothing to attain you think oh well I then I could attain that we always do that it's deeply ingrained as soon as you hear something you can get it to give that up is called dropping body and mind but giving up does not mean stopping it

[79:40]

that would just be the same thing again giving it up means stop fighting it just watch it and love it and it will tell you I was just kidding about this you know attaining Buddha stuff it's just a way of talking to get you interested yes what is the meaning of endeavor? endeavor it means to go forth to go forth to walk forth on the way this is how to walk on the way without knowing where it is other than just admitting I'm right here now I'm right here in this painful body I start here

[80:41]

it starts from here it starts from this self which is where the world is focused and the world is also focused at all these other selves so the world is very the world is very well organized it has all these centers all these focal points and each focal point is very dynamic because each focal point expresses itself through what's not itself and what's not itself uses that focal point as the place it expresses itself so walk in that world starting from here yes

[81:47]

I'm a little embarrassed but I wanted to ask Pam how she was doing ok she said this so that means leave me alone for a while I stopped you because the intensity of your answer is just sort of killing me my pain I can't hear you anymore so well you got it I'm at your disposal to be disposed of disposable

[82:47]

rechargeable simultaneously I'm here for you to use and you use me even though you sometimes don't like the way you're using me you use me you use me to feel separation and the way you feel separation is sometimes very painful and I'm you know go ahead, use me for that now why would we do that? guess hmm yes you want to guess out loud? obviously use you to feel separation this is a chance to become a dharma successor you haven't said that I'm just kidding

[83:49]

maybe because if I do that I get to live exactly it's because your life wants to live and your life is trapped so it needs to feel the edges of the cage and you can use me among others to feel the edge of the cage and when you feel the edge of the cage it's painful but it's your life pushing on the limits pushing on the walls and when you feel it suddenly the whole thing will open up and you know that so you do this strange thing of pushing against a surface which if you didn't push on it you could just sit back and relax and say oh nice wall nice wall nice wall nice flower nice moon but if you start wondering

[84:53]

about the moon and why it's how it's going to be able to get full if you start wondering does this person love me or you know why do I feel separated then things start getting more intense and then everything every little thing they do becomes interesting and all the more then you have to settle and be still with this tight spot and you need this tight spot it's where it's the opening to your total life it's the way out of the waiting room that you fall asleep in little tiny interesting place

[85:54]

and life wants life so you should keep eating complex carbohydrates so your life will have enough energy to work for itself to reach beyond its limits but not reach beyond to push on its limits until you realize you never can push them over they're always going to be there and when you really accept that that's dropping body and mind and the life of oneness is what's pushing you to that limit and

[87:07]

it's the life of oneness which is yearning for oneness so you should complex spot tight spot and you need to you

[88:11]

put you [...] I didn't put my glasses on today. I didn't put my glasses on today. This is kind of unusual, but I wanted to ask you to write something, or anyway, think

[89:16]

of something. You don't have to necessarily write it. I'd like you to write one or two haiku. Thanks, Stephen. I'd like you to write one or two types of haiku, you could write several of one type or several of the other, but the one type I'd like you to write is about limitation, about this homage to Shakyamuni Buddha, please take pity on me, stuck in this self, pushing against this rough exterior, pushing against this interest in other, pushing against my limitations. I'd like you to write a haiku about that, or several, and then, if you want to, you

[90:29]

could write a haiku about something you don't know anything about, but something you feel is coming through you anyway. Yes? I think a haiku has five, seven, five. Haiku, usually in Zen, Zen monks make Chinese expressions of their situation, Chinese characters, so they say, you know, Kenshu, Tou, Bou, Wa, something like that, but each one of those is a character, a Chinese character. A haiku are phonetic syllables, so it's easier for us to write them in that way, so just something that has five syllables, seven syllables, and five syllables, that's a haiku, or that

[91:36]

would be an English haiku. So, if you would, I'd like you to do that, and at some point, later in the session, if you did it, we could ask you, and you could say, you could express that haiku, and then we could listen, and we could guess whether it was a haiku about limitation, or a haiku about freedom from limitation, or both, or neither. It is possible to be certain about things beyond knowing.

[92:40]

Buddha's knowledge is not objective knowledge, but they are sure, they do have conviction. You can't know as an objective thing that you're connected to everybody, but you can be certain about it, and you can act from that certainty. You can't see how everyone creates you, you can see little pieces of it, but you can't see the whole picture, but you can be sure about it. Or, you can be somewhat sure about it, that's also, there are glimmerings sometimes. And, I think that the practice during the session has been an expression of you.

[93:48]

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