This temple has an open door policy. In other words, people can basically just walk in and just walk right in and sit right down. And I think that that's weird. But breathe. Walk right in. Sit right down. Daddy, that's your money. And this is a kind of open lecture, too. So some of you walk in here, but unfortunately, I'm giving the talk today.

[01:02]

And I'm not in a particularly introductory mood. I welcome you, but I'm also going to talk about Zen instead of kind of introduction to Zen. But excuse me if I make too intense. Our practice of Zen, at least as I feel about it today, and also I can blame some agents for feeling this way, practice of Zen has to do with really being yourself. Truly, completely being yourself. But this does not mean that being yourself is to be your idea of yourself.

[02:20]

It also does not mean for you to not be your idea of yourself. Doesn't mean either of those. There's two kinds of what we call Two ways to miss being yourself. Basically, two ways. And then all kinds of varieties of that. One way is kind of say, to shrink away from it, kind of say, well, I can't be myself. Kind of not to be weak. and say, I don't have a strength within myself. That's one way to not be yourself. That's one way to kind of... That's one kind of despair, splitting off from yourself that you can do. The other kind is, I am myself.

[03:30]

I'm gonna be myself. That's too strong. To really be yourself is a harmony between those two positions of I can be myself and I can't be myself. To really be yourself means you kind of forget yourself and you really don't know what it is anymore. Which again is a state of harmony between two kinds of grasping. One kind of grasping This is me, and the other kind of grass thing is, this is not me, I can't be. I can't be myself, and I can be myself.

[04:42]

Another way to talk about this is that in Zen practice, in Buddhist practice, the practice and the enlightenment, or the practice and the realization, are one thing. They're not two different things. So you can say that the awakening is the practice, and the practice is what we mean by the awakening. It's not like you do a practice and you get an awakening. Or that you get an awakening and you don't do the practice. The practice is the awakening, and the awakening is the practice. Our meditation is our enlightenment. Our enlightenment is our meditation.

[05:55]

They're one thing. However, if you approach the practice and the enlightenment, if you approach the practice of enlightenment, if you approach it while carrying yourself, then the practice is not enlightenment. Then the practice of enlightenment are split into two. Then the practice is . And I just talked about two ways, two examples of how you carry yourself.

[07:04]

One way is that you approach the practice, you carry, you carry the self of this, of I can be myself. The other way you carry the self is I can be myself. Basically, as you approach a practice, an awakening practice, if you carry any idea of what the practice is with you to the practice. And if you hold on to that idea of the practice or who you are as you approach the practice, again, that's what we mean by carrying yourself. Now, of course, you carry some idea with you to everything you do. You can't not come to something without an idea. Or even if you don't bring it to the situation, as soon as you get there, some idea of what you're doing will crop up. So if you bring some idea of what you're doing with your life to your life, that's an example of carrying yourself to the practice.

[08:22]

But if you know that this is just carrying yourself to the practice, and therefore it's just a delusion, then it's not so bad. Because in that sense, you dropped it. Or if you arrive at the practice and some idea of the practice emerged at that moment, that's OK, too. Point it to hold to that. Hold to that sense of, I know what the practice is, this and that. That defiles the practice. Or to hold to the idea, I don't know what the practice is. Or to hold to the idea that somebody knows what the practice is. To hold to anything as you come to the practice is carrying yourself. To arrive at the practice At the same time, the practice arrives. Or as the practice arrives, you arrive.

[09:28]

No sooner, no later. That's the practice. That's the same as the enlightenment. This is not easy to do, however. And that's why we practice together, and that's why some, that's why Buddhists talk, to give us some indication about how to approach the practice without carrying some baggage to it. Thank you.

[10:55]

Thank you. I feel like I have pregnancy.

[14:20]

Sorry if I did. The site is quite in a high proceed now.

[15:32]

this isn't about that he's been given that situation that you can't uh rest intent that you know who you are or that you don't like Well, I think you're right to bring up the word faith in that context.

[17:07]

And I could say that faith, actual faith, means when you are balanced between those two. That's really what faith is. Or you could say faith might be to make an effort I guess I would say that to make an effort to be balanced would be based on faith. But the faith isn't exactly to try to balance these two. Faith maybe is why you can try. But the faith is also when you're just settled between those two. When you're willing to be yourself. beyond your idea of being yourself. That's faith. And that way and that, from that comes the effort, for there to be some effort necessary, not so much to get yourself to that place where you're bound between being willing to be yourself, and triggering this,

[18:26]

and shrinking away from being yourself, you're already at that place. You don't actually have to make an effort to get to that place. Your effort is more to not deviate from that place, not go away from that place. So faith is not so much, faith is, is not just to sit there, but faith is also to move at that place. In other words, to move at one spot, which in some sense is contradictory. To move on a spot or at a spot rather than from a spot. To live dynamically at a spot which includes, as anything happens, to not be distracted by that, to not be taken away by that.

[19:34]

To have, not to have, but to not move from that spot, but move at that spot. So that all movements, even the thought, oh, I am myself, or the thought, I can't stand to be myself, or I can't stand this experience, or I can have this experience. Even those thoughts you don't experience, they're taken away. And that, in a sense, is a kind of effort to guard yourself from that. But the faith isn't so much the effort. The faith is the faithfulness, the settledness, or the settledness, the real settledness. Not so much the belief that you're settled, but the part that's settled, no matter what.

[20:41]

Kind of like that song. You and me, sweat and toil. Get a little drunk and land in the shade. Or it could come down in the wake of . But the old man river, that old man river, don't say nothing. Must know so. Just loose, rollie, and roll. The old man regret like your fate. I get weary and tired of living, scared of dying.

[22:04]

The Old Man River just keeps rolling along. Who is that Old Man River? It's the Mississippi, right? Who lives in the Mississippi River? Thousands of miles long. Who is that? Why did they write that song? Who is that river? Can you tell me? Is that your idea of yourself? Is it? No.

[23:15]

I think the old man records is who you really are. What do you think? You and me? You. That's not me. Me, that's me, right? That's not me. That's not you. Those are just little ideas I have for you. But all time, who I really am just keeps rolling along, constantly changing, and yet keep rolling along. Must know something, but don't say nothing. Mississippi River is pretty muddy down past Minneapolis.

[24:37]

But the Mississippi River is undefiled. You can't defile the Mississippi River. Try it. Thank you for saying that. So you and me, we try to sit, we try to be the old man river. We try to be that unmoving river. And Mississippi doesn't move, you know, from its spot.

[25:46]

It moves at its spot. Very powerfully moving at its spot. So we try. We do our best. But we need help. Because even if we say, okay, I'm approaching the practice without carrying anything to it, I mean, yeah, let's say you try not carrying anything to the practice. Still, you might be carrying something and not notice it. Or you might not be carrying something to the practice and think you are. But what do you do?

[26:49]

What are you going to do in a case like that? How are you going to find out what's happening? Any idea? . Yeah, that's the same thing now. That's your effort, clearly observe. But how do you know when you're just dreaming of clearly observing or not? What? Yeah, so if you think you're clearly observing or if you think you're not clearly observing, go to somebody. who you have made a commitment to and say, I think I'm not clearly observing, or I think I am clearly observing, or am I clearly observing? A lot of people started looking out the windows when I said that.

[28:14]

Mm-hmm. However, the fact that you go and ask them, It's the most important thing. Can you guess?

[29:16]

Well, it's not that much you're living outside of yourself. But the fact that you're growing, you're already admitting that maybe that maybe you don't know. That's the first point. Second of all, you're saying, I'm going to give somebody else a chance to perhaps give me another point of view. If you say it's like this, it's not that the teacher knows that's true or not. The teacher might say, yes, that's right. Or the teacher might say, well, I don't think so. You might say, I think I finally, I think I'm finding myself. The teacher might say, well, I don't feel that way.

[30:21]

And if it's your teacher, if it's somebody that you call teacher, then they have to say, well, I've got a problem now. Not that they could be right, and I could be wrong, but rather what's really happening is that I think I've arrived at a place, and they're saying I haven't. What place is that? That's a new place. It's a place that's a little bit more dynamic. Is that the real place? Yes, it is. It includes these two points of view now. Now you can say the person's wrong and go back to your original point of view, and that's what a lot of people do, actually. But it doesn't work very well, because you just went and said, please tell me, and now they say, well, I don't agree with you.

[31:26]

It doesn't mean you have to switch over and say that they're right, because that wouldn't be quite right either, because what happened to what you think? It's more like it's a new world. Right. You can't feel that way, but that's all that is. That's just, oh, yes, I'm really doing it right. People can really feel that way. That's fine. You can't stop yourself from feeling that way sometimes. But then take that feeling of, yes, I'm doing it right, and go to somebody who you call teacher and say, teacher, I feel like I'm really doing this right. And teacher then can say, I agree. And then you can say, we're letting you out on an evening.

[32:34]

And the teacher can say, Maybe, yes, I am letting you off easy. How can I help it? You really are right. You're so wonderful. I can't help but agree with you. And then you might say, hey, that's nice of you to feel that way. Yes. Maybe I'm not right. Maybe you're right. Why do I think you're right all of a sudden? Or the teacher might say, well, it's not so much that you're not right, it's just that I feel kind of like something sticks. Or the teacher might even say, you're wrong. But again, it's not that they're right if you're wrong. It's that they're saying you're wrong. They may not even feel like you're wrong, but just when all the words come out, you're wrong.

[33:38]

They don't really believe me, the teacher. They just somehow find the mouthfuls, you are wrong. And if the teacher believes that, then you need to help the teacher. What's the matter with you? How come you're holding on to that? That's part of it, too, is you need to talk to the teacher. Or you might come to the teacher and say, I finally got it. And the teacher might start crying and say, I never thought you would do this. And so on. Anything can happen. It doesn't mean the teacher is right. What it means is that Any idea we have of being completely ourselves is always a limited version of ourself. No matter how big it is, it's not completely what we are. We can never have that. But we can bring our idea to someone else and say, here's my idea, and let them affect it.

[34:48]

And say, here's my idea, and I will let you affect this. What do we say in that wedding ceremony? I plight thee my troth. You know, have you heard that expression in the wedding ceremony? It means troth means truth. It means I put my truth in plight to you. Here's my truth. This is my truth. But it's in plight. Not that you can say, It's this and then it'll be that way. Maybe it'll be that way, possible. But even if I put it like this and you say it's like this, then this is my new truth and this is the light again. In other words, it's in danger from you. You can affect it. It can't hold still and sit there like a rock in the face of you because Because I say I will do that. I say I will put my truth in jeopardy with you.

[35:53]

You can change my truth. Not to your truth necessarily, but maybe your truth. Maybe not to your truth, maybe not to my truth, maybe to some whole new truth. And then that again we put in jeopardy, mutual. But each moment, you do have a truth. It isn't like you have no truth. You do have a truth. And it's not that you put your truth out, and then other people are supposed to agree with you. No. Like Gandhi had this practice called Satyagraha. You ever heard that? Satya means truth. Graha means to hold. You hold your truth. But you don't hold like hold fixed. You just hold it out there to other beings. And if you hold it out there to other beings, and you really let them see it, and you don't hold it out like this.

[37:01]

Here's my truth. And they say, well, that's not right. You say, oh, really? Oh, okay. No, you hold it out like this. Or they can see it, and hear it, and touch it. Then it's in jeopardy. Then it changes. And they change when they change it. But if this is your truth, and you put it out there for people, and they change it, then you lose your truth for a minute. You don't know what your truth is. This truth is also yourself. your limited idea of yourself that is. This is your self-clinging. Your truth is your self-clinging, too. And you put it out there, and it changes. And at that time, you might be at a loss and frightened.

[38:05]

Or at the very moment when you're ready to change your idea, And you go to show it to someone. Or rather, at the very time when you're ready to show it to someone, at the very time you're ready to change and give up your limited idea of yourself, that might be the time when you most don't want to go see someone else. When you want to get away from that. And that's why it's very important that you actually tell someone that you want to have this kind of relationship with them. Because if you don't tell them, first of all, they're unlikely to presume that they could comment on your truth. And second of all, if you don't tell them, if they do comment, you'll just say, who asked you?

[39:09]

I didn't ask you to comment on the truth. You have no relationship to talk to me like this. If you don't give a person that kind of invitation, even if they tell you two plus two is four, you say it doesn't affect you because although it may be true, you didn't ask them for it and you can't accept it. Even if you ask them for it, and they give it, you may reject it. But at least if you reject it, they can say, I feel like you're rejecting what I gave you even after you asked me to give it to you. You know, in the meditation hall, people sit.

[40:31]

This is their spine. They sit. And people make an effort to sit up straight, I guess. Most people do. Some people may go and sit and say, I'm not going to sit straight and bend over. I'm going to sit. I kind of don't like the straight sitting business today. But anyway, I'm going to sit in the meditation hall. And if you sit there, even though you may not know it, that's sort of an invitation to ask somebody to comment on your truth, the truth of your body that you're holding up there. If you go in and lie down on the floor, also an invitation for them to comment on that. It's actually even a stronger invitation than sitting up straight, because you'll definitely get real fast comment if you're lying on the floor. But you put your tooth out there and someone may come around at some point and touch your back.

[41:35]

You also put your back to the people. Make yourself vulnerable. You show the side of yourself which you already know you don't know about. And in some sense you're saying, how do I look from the back? How do I look from the angle that I can't see myself? Then somebody comes up and touches you in your dark side. It's not that they're correcting you. I don't think you correct postures. And when I judge posture, or when I comment on a person's posture, I'm commenting on their practice. I'm commenting on the truth. I'm not correcting their truth. And I usually touch their back in some place. I usually touch their back, I feel their back, and then I can feel the back or look at the back if I can see it clearly. If I can't see it with my eyes, I run my hand down the back and I find and I notice how the back is.

[42:43]

And then I go back and I touch it again in the part of the back where I feel the person is least awake. where I feel the person is most unaware, I touch that spot that looks like, or another place that we're gonna put it, if I touch the part of the back where I feel they're making the least effort, or where they know they're making the least, I say, what about this spot here? And sometimes I actually change the spot here a little bit to move the back into a position that looks to me like it's more preferable. And if I push a little bit and the person responds, then they accept my comment. If I push and they don't respond, sometimes I try to push at a slightly different angle. Sometimes I think that spot will move and maybe a little lower it will move or a little higher.

[43:48]

But if I try various places and nothing will move, then I give up. They don't want that much comment. In other words, They're getting a comment of that area, but they don't want a comment of ways to try out that level of life, that level of life or that way of life which is their truth after it is changed by my comment. Does that make sense? So if the back's like this and I touch it here, at least they know that this thought is an issue. I have a question about this spot. Something, I don't know what it is, but something draws me to touch this spot. If I push on it and it moves in, then they have a new body. A new body which is the body between their body and my body. And this body, a body that, from my point of view, is a more energetic body.

[44:55]

It's not that they now have my body. It's still their body, but it's a new body. And sometimes they can't stay there very long in a dynamic place, which is their old body, their habitual body, and the body which includes another person's point of view, so-called teacher point of view. Without making commitment to a teacher, it's possible to do that. It's possible to practice meditation for some time without going to someone and showing them your practice. We don't require it. But what I'm bringing up here is that in order to really be yourself, in order for me to really be myself, I need to put my practice out there

[46:00]

and say, here it is. Not necessarily, here it is, it's right. Not necessarily, here it is, it's wrong. But just, here it is. How about some comment? And it isn't that they're going to tell me what's really true or false, but they're going to say something. Even if they don't say something, that's interesting. That's something. It might not be interesting at all if they don't say something. And if they say something, that might not be interesting either. And they might say your practice is wrong. I don't know. Some people here might say that. They might say your practice is not wrong. The point is you exposed it. And without that, it's possible to practice with your own little idea of yourself for a long time and not grow

[47:02]

and change. It's also possible to go and show your practice to someone and still not grow and change. Because again, you could show it like this. And if you show it like this, they won't understand. So their comment won't really be that relevant. They'll be saying something on the other side there. Hello, or goodbye, or Gee, it looks like you have your robes over your head or something like that. But they won't necessarily understand. If they don't understand, then their comments will be less relevant. At least they can say, well, I don't understand or I can't see. But things stop really cooking when you uncover yourself. But that's not what you do. unless you trust her.

[48:05]

So it takes time to develop enough trust to really show ourselves. On the other hand, if we don't show ourselves, they're often just because we think we're going to have another chance. Or maybe today I won't show, but tomorrow I will. or next week I will, or in five years I will. I'll get another chance. That idea of I'm going to get another chance is, that's different than just being scared and not trusting the person. That one I don't like, that I'm going to get another chance one. The one I'm scared to show myself I don't trust you, that's fine. That one you can tell today. You can say today, I don't trust you. You can say today, I'm not going to show myself to you. You can say, I'm not going to show myself to you. That's showing yourself.

[49:08]

But to say, this is me, it's not the same as saying, I'm covering me. I don't want to show myself. I'm afraid of you. I don't trust you. To say I don't trust you is trusting. To say I'm not ready to talk is talking. But to not be ready to talk and say this is talk, then you're kidding yourself. In particular for the newcomers, I'm sorry that this is too touchy a topic or too intense a topic. But, you know, that's sort of where I'm at right now.

[50:17]

Forgive me.

[50:19]

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