When we started this class, some of you weren't born. Many of you have been born? How many of you? So we're studying the ultimate case of the Book of Serenity. Yeah, there it is. A monk asked a Zen teacher, a monk named Longya, basically he asked him, you know, given that fundamental purity, or that things are fundamentally pure, how does the world arise?

[01:01]

Given that things are fundamentally unlimited, how does the limited appear? Given that everything is fundamentally upright, how do biases arise? Given emptiness, how does form arise? And the teacher very simply answers by saying the same question, so that the monk can continue to open to this rather difficult situation of emptiness and form. But first of all, this is an emptiness, and how about form? How does that happen? Someone wrote me a note recently saying, you know, can't we just open to the truth?

[02:09]

And yes we can. We can just open to it, and what's the truth? Yeah, I hope this class has helped you be more open to the truth. And Soto Zen has this characteristic, which is expressed by the founder, the Chinese founder, Deng Xiang, when he said something like, you know, someone said, well how come you, you know, you met a lot of great Zen teachers, how come you consider Yun Yan, who wasn't so famous and fabulous, and had some trouble understanding? He studied with Bajang for 20 years and didn't understand Bajang. And then after Bajang died, and he was Bajang's attendant,

[03:15]

so he had a lot of close access to the great teacher, and didn't understand, and then he, after his teacher died, when the teacher was about 94, and Deng Xiang was about, I mean Yun Yan was about 34, he went and studied with, he visited Yaoshan, and Yaoshan was very interested to meet somebody who was a student of the great teacher Bajang, and he asked him a lot of questions, and about how Bajang taught, and he was often kind of apparently disappointed by the way he understood the teachers. He got the teaching and he said, well how did you understand that? He didn't like his teaching, but then finally, when Yun Yan was explaining to Yaoshan some of Bajang's teachings, Bajang said, oh my God, thanks to you I now get to meet Bajang.

[04:20]

And then Yun Yan understood, finally. But he wasn't as, you know, he was in a sense kind of like a lot of us. And then later someone said to Deng Xiang, who was kind of a hot shot, how come you chose Yun Yan as your master, your supreme, utmost and perfect teacher, when you met all these other great, fabulous Zen masters? He said, well it wasn't exactly his understanding or whatever that I appreciated, but what really got me was that he never indicated anything directly. He never schwalpawed, never directly pointed out the truth. So that has become, not just in Soto Zen, but that has become something,

[05:28]

something about the nature of the school is not to point directly. It's the problem of pointing directly. And someone came to see me recently and told me about some pain he was having over some, I think he said cognitive dissonance, but there was some dissonance in his life that he was having pain with. And I thought, well he wasn't talking about this case, I don't think, maybe he was, but this case has a dissonance in it, which if you open to the case I think you'll open to some dissonance. There's a dissonance between the upright and the biased, between the unbiased and the biased, between the upright and the leaning, between the unmanifested purity and the manifested world of mountains and rivers and all of us.

[06:34]

There's a dissonance there, and if you relax actually with what's going on, you actually start to open to that dissonance, and if you can relax with that dissonance, and you can be patient with that dissonance, which is difficult to be patient with this dissonance, then you can open to something much more difficult to face, which is the fundamental purity. And if you can open to that and live with that and be patient with that, and work up to that patience by dealing with the little patiences from the dissonances, then you can stand the realm where there's no dissonance. It's very difficult to stand the realm, to tolerate, to be patient, to not flinch from the realm of fundamental purity, of no dissonance. And then, after you live with that for a while, then you can be what you call like an ambassador,

[07:38]

like I've recently been exposing myself to this wonderful, wonderful person named David Hume, who is like, I think he's a great treasure for us. He doesn't seem to have seen the Heart Sutra, but he didn't have any friends to support him, so he had a hard time living with it. So what he did was he made himself an ambassador from the realm of the Heart Sutra, the realm of enlightenment, to the realm of conversation. And in a way, that's what our ancestors have done. They're people who are open to the realm of the unconstructed purity, but they're ambassadors from there, and come into the realm of conversation. And so we have these stories to talk about, and we can converse and be impure.

[08:39]

And if we can be patient with the impurity, and open to that, and open to the pain of it, and the dissonance of it, we can open to the much more difficult to tolerate, no dissonance, no pain, nothing arising, very difficult. But we can form up to it by dealing with our current pains. And I have this chair which I asked for, and it turns out it's a doctor's chair, you know, how they sometimes set a chair that's swivel, so they can look from the right and to the left. This is Hemla's dad's examination stool. I don't know if he examined stools from this stool. He probably examined his patience. So, this is a chair which we can use tonight, if anybody wants to sit on it.

[09:55]

There it is. So, here comes somebody sitting on it already. Now, Berkeley, which is across his chest, preceded Mr. Hume. Berkeley is big too. Can you swivel? Show them to Berkeley. He called it Barclay, but we call it Berkeley.

[11:00]

The bishop called it Barclay, we call it Berkeley. This is like a barber chair too. Shh. Shh. Anything to give voice to? This is a chance to speak, if you wish. I think the words are opening up and some words are coming out. I don't know what to say. That's good. Can you say it? I don't know what to say.

[12:03]

That was pretty good. Not that I'm a judge or anything. But now, according to Zen tradition, I am sitting in the seat of the judge and I say, fine. And I ask you, do you feel complete in your expression, that you didn't know how to express? Am I fully expressing? You always do. How do you feel? Tired and scared. Tired and scared. How do you feel now? More tired. And now? I'd like to die. And now? I haven't died. You haven't died yet? If you'd like to.

[13:04]

One more try. See if you can die. Still can't die. Maybe your body's not ready. How about living? Living with the tiredness and the fear. Want to? Doesn't matter. Okay. Thank you for sitting in the patient's seat. It's the doctor. Do you think that picked up? It's kind of quiet. Was there anything that you wish to give voice to? Tonight I invite you to sit on this seat. Thank you.

[14:08]

Why don't you sit in that seat so people can see your handsome face. Thank you. Okay. So, you have a particular work of his that you would recommend to start off with? Yeah. And the name is? Treatise of Human Nature. And the first book is called Of Understanding. That's where the Heart Sutra appears. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. Anybody else want to express anything up here? Yeah.

[15:13]

Please. I have to say goodbye. You have to say goodbye? Let's hear it. Thank you. That was fun. It was fun? How many years did you come? Ten and a half. Ten and a half. Wow. And she's a newcomer? Just for them. They're just born. Thank you for coming through. Thank you. The mountains and rivers. Appearing.

[16:27]

Appearing. Thank you for appearing. And the windy road. Yeah, thank you. Thank you all for supporting her. Oh, yeah. It's why I sat up here this time. I thought it would be nice to see your face. The mountains are covered in snow. For some of you people who haven't been around for some of the classes, opening the window there was an in-house joke. Make sure it stays in-house. Do you feel invited to come up here and express yourself? No one's even going to say if they feel invited.

[17:34]

Thank you. Sitting on Daddy's stool? Yeah. He was very patient. He was patient. He became patient recently? I've never been here before. And I haven't missed a class. Wow. Thank you very much. You're very welcome. There they are. So much love in this room. Yeah. If you can tolerate the pain, you may be able to tolerate the love. Thank you.

[18:42]

Grace, what does it say on the back of your rock suit? Which one? This one? Yeah. Oh, God. I have no idea. Okay. What does it say on the back of my rock suit? It says ... It says, everything's empty. Thank you. So, seeing existence, do you see existence without considering it existent? Turning the hand over and back. Because of causes and conditions, we have Grace appearing here, and because Grace appears here by causes and conditions, she doesn't exist. But you brought a poem. No, I didn't. Oh. I brought my first note from the first class that I was in with you,

[19:55]

and I think it was the first class of this class. Is there a date on it? 2-1-90. 2-1-90. So, I thought I would read to you the first sentence that I took down that you said in this class. Zazen is time, it is the present, it is before you come in the room. Before you people come in this teaching hall, when will you attain realization? Grace, when will you attain realization? Not today. Not today. This is the ultimate class. There won't be another one for a while.

[20:57]

Please, express yourself. Your name, Carol? Yeah. Do you have a sister in the room? I have someone who shares my name. It's a song, they say. It's a song. But, yeah, so the goal is to actually be able to stand up or sit here with the heart not pounding. No, no, no. Heart can pound, that's fine. Well, I could sit there with the heart calm, but I... No, you're sitting here. And the heart's pounding. Pounding.

[21:59]

What's the goal? Just harmony within the dissonance of that expression of the body. But you don't know what the heart is. What did you say? I don't know what the heart is. That's part of the harmony, is to be able to tolerate that we really don't know what the heart is, even though it's pounding. Pounding. Pounding. Inviting you. Dissonance. Maybe pounding in a dissonant tune. Dancing. Dancing, yeah. And can you harmonize with the heart you don't know? With not knowing what it is. Without... And if you do say what it is, it's just a visit to the realm of conversation. You don't really fall for that.

[23:07]

No illusion. There's an illusion, but you don't grasp it as real. Right. The stool's too tall for short people. The stool's too tall, but it goes down, doesn't it? It goes down, right? If you spin it around, it probably goes down, huh? That's as far as it goes. I have short feet. Well, for short... Here comes Jane. Getting up on the stool. Just twirl it around. Twirl it around. Slowly. Slowly. We're waiting for one direction. Whoa!

[24:13]

There you go. Well, anyway. Can't quite control it. Can't quite control it. I want to say... This class has been difficult to control. This is Jane, the spirit of Jane, at five, saying, Hi, Revy! You don't have to say anything, just move. You don't have to say anything, just move. I can't see. I can't see.

[25:22]

I can't see. [...] I can't control it. Would anybody like... I like that. You are doing something with it. This wasn't supposed to happen.

[26:44]

Have you ever heard the expression, Out of the mouths of babes come gems? Off time. Off time. Off time come gems from the mouths of babes? No. Well, in this class, you're kind of right. So, let's have a gem. Soon we'll be without the heat

[27:49]

Humming a different tune And then He teardrops Oh, here comes somebody. Wearing her rock suit off her shoulder. Rock suit off her shoulder. Rock suit as dinner gown. Rakishly. Pound, pound, pound. I've only spoken once in this class, so this is twice. And the first time I spoke, you helped me see two things that I thought were out here at the same time, and it was the first time I'd ever done that.

[28:50]

It was magic. It was a day of being born again. So, thank you. Thank all of us. Oh, and thank you all. God, what a party. About 60 more minutes. Laughter The first class I attended

[29:52]

was at City Center in 1991, and it was on Case 18. I didn't know I could have a teacher, but my life changed that night. So did mine. Thanks for telling me. Good night. Laughter Pardon? Can I have two please?

[30:53]

Pardon? Can I have two please? From me? From you. Sure. Maybe ask for a hug. It's an ask for a hug? You want an un-ask for a hug? I can't have. Pardon? No. Laughter This is my seat. This is your seat right in that area there? Yeah. Okay. I've been feeling how this class is like my life's blood. How the richness of my life gets played out here,

[31:54]

you know, I get seen here, felt here, and I have had, I don't know how to quantify this, but it's fantastic what's happened for me in this class, and how alive I feel right now, and almost all the time in here, everybody, everybody who's ever been here and participated, it's, how could this have happened? Yeah. How could this have happened? It happened very nicely. Week after week you showed up and loved each other. And helped me very much.

[32:57]

Book of Serenity, funny excuse, huh? Thank you, thank you all. I came in 1994, and you were on case, we were on case 37, and I was a guest student, and I guess you used to let guest students come, because I was somehow in this room, and you read the case, and you looked at me and you said, do you understand? Laughter And I thought you meant, like, just, could I hear you? And I said, yes. And you said, so? And I realized I didn't understand. So, then I, you let me come back. Thank you for letting me come back. All sentient beings just have karmic consciousness,

[34:00]

boundless and unclear, with no fundamental to rely on. How will you test that? Me! Me! How fortunate of you, for starting with case 37. This is the direct path. What is the ultimate koan? Allow me to tie your robes together. Laughter

[35:12]

What are you going to do at school today, darling? Laughter You're going to make some cookies? Remember, daddy loves you, okay? Laughter I'd just like to say, as a result of your excellent training, I don't want to slap you in the face. Laughter Coughing My eyebrows are, are turning white. Coughing Are they getting long?

[36:22]

Tangled? Tangled? Laughter Are you somehow happy? I'm very happy. I would like to die first. How about at the same time? That's a deal. Laughter We don't want to get into that cold face. Laughter Laughter This is called bakumaro.

[37:40]

Bakumaro? Laughter No ice nine here. Laughter That's from a thing called Cat's Cradle. It's a novel that was published in the 60's. I was talking to Emma tonight how the 60's are coming back. Laughter They're waiting for you guys. Some of you are already in them. Laughter Laughter I keep looking at this chair and I want to say something like, Slytherin! Laughter Laughter So, somewhere around May of 1990,

[38:56]

we were down at Tasselhard together. And, but I didn't know you. So we kind of met there. Kind of. This time. So, we were moving a table together. Just you and me. And then we finished. And then you looked at me and I looked at you. And you smiled. So I'm still carrying that smile all these years. But not the table. No, the table. Laughter Except I've been taking it apart piece by piece. Um, so many miles on the road back and forth. Back and forth. And many selves.

[39:59]

Times of dissonance. Times of resonance. So I looked in my book. So I appeared at Koan 2. And the first thing I wrote there is, from you, since we seem to be quoting you tonight, is, Zazen posture is don't know. And for all these years. I've taken that down. Laughter That's a good one. Laughter It is. And I have carried that. So much time here, opaque to the mind. But never to the heart. Never to my heart. As much frustration as I have dealt with. I want to know.

[41:03]

I don't understand. Didn't matter. Kept coming back. So I thank you, friend. I thank you, dear friend. And I thank all your friends for providing such a clear environment for you to deal with not knowing. We wouldn't be able to deal with it without this environment. But with this environment we can stand it. At least for an hour and a half. With all the fear and frustration. That comes when you're actually open to not knowing for a little while. But since we're surrounded by such loving friends. You can have a glimpse. Since our heart is open, you can let it in. So I, I also, I would like to thank you all.

[42:11]

Many friends here. And it's nice to see people come back for graduation night. And I thank you all for, like me, keep showing up. Keep showing up. Now there's only about 44 minutes left. I came... ... ...midstream... ...of fundamental affliction...

[43:18]

...of ignorance. And I'm still there. It's nice. Itself... ...is the immutable knowledge of all Buddhas. Is that nice? It's wonderful. Thank you. Thank you for this roving. You've got to develop that. It's a little hard for me to get to that chair. If it's okay, I'll speak from here. It's okay for you to speak from there.

[44:22]

But I'd like you to do the hard thing of getting there. Okay? The direct path. I want to see some movement. There we go. Surfing, yes! My knees don't work as well as they used to. They don't work like they used to. No, they don't work as well as they used to. Are you the judge now? I'll be the judge of that. So, I was moved by the reminiscence and, like a few other of the people in this room, I actually started this class before there was this class. If I remember correctly, we started our koan study

[45:23]

by studying Yangshan's mind and environment before the Book of Serenity was published. We started there and we worked on that for maybe six weeks or something like that and then the book came out and we formed the class and started over at Case 1. Something like that. Yeah, that's a nice story. It's the best one I got. And to some extent, I think that my whole take on the study of the Book of Serenity was framed by Yangshan's mind and environment and, in a way, it was kind of fortuitous for me to start there because it began with a fundamental meditation instruction that was easy to hear and almost impossible to understand and the kind of thing that we implement

[46:23]

throughout our practice lives and trying to practice in that way with each case of the Book of Serenity and each class on each case of the Book of Serenity I think has been the quality that the entire experience has had for something like 15 years. So I think I came for about the first... What was it? Until about 1994. For, I think, almost all of the classes until 1994 when Ninan and I went to Tassajara and then started again when we returned a couple of years later and continued until my work schedule made it impossible. So now, tonight, we're going to turn our light around and...

[47:24]

Do you think of that? Of what? She does. Anyway, thank you very much for these lovely 15 years. Thank the gods and goddesses for our relationship. Okay. Thank you. [...] I haven't been here in a long time, and I never left, and it's so good to be back. 1985, before the class started. Case 98. I'm still close. Which body is it?

[48:43]

I don't know. I love you, I love you not. I love you, I love you not. I love you, and I love you not, And I love you." Waves on a very deep ocean of gratitude, pure throughout. This is a great chair. It took a hundred cases to get here. May we please do Italian koans next?

[50:38]

We've been in Asia a long time. Mama and the cappuccino. There must be one, so let's find it. Pat, could you ask the Shuso about the four vehicles of Buddhism? He's Italian. I know, I'm a little tired. Is this a dharma seat? And it turns. It turns round and round. Enlightenment guaranteed. It doesn't turn this way. Which degree do you have to sit in?

[51:45]

This is my first class. I've never been here before. What a long, strange trip it's been. It's been a heck of a ride. Those are the clever things. Cleverness is okay. That's good to know. We need a little bit more though. This is what I thought of last week, even though this is my first class. That too. That was Zen. This is now. Oh, I love you, ma'am. I feel like it's been a while.

[52:59]

Yeah, nice to see you again. I know. You've been on adventures. Well, I've had kind of a hard time being here in the last year or so. And I felt a lot of dissonance about that. But I want you to know that even though I wouldn't bodily be here, I felt I was always working on a koan. Sometimes I didn't know what it was. But I was. I would always feel that same questioning, like I was in this class, like you were asking. And tonight, when you said that about the dissonance, I felt, you know,

[54:06]

I kind of realized that this whole thing I have wrestled with about the difficulty of not being here sometimes, that kind of fell into place for me. It was like, oh, it's okay. It's just something I have to sit with. Because I felt like I let you down when I didn't come. And then I realized, you know, it didn't really let you down. I mean, it was just I was doing what I was doing. You didn't let me down. You didn't let me down. Where did I let you? What do you mean? You didn't let me down. You lifted me up, but it hurt. The way you lifted me up hurt. So it hurts the way you lifted me up, but you didn't let me down. When you come to class, the way you lift me up, it doesn't hurt so much, usually.

[55:07]

But it hurt. But you're back. And all that time you were lifting me up. I felt it. But I was working. And sometimes the way our friends are working is painful for us to see, but it still lifts us up. But I'm sorry. Lo siento. Well, I've been coming since 90 also, since 1990.

[56:10]

And probably the biggest koan that I've been dealing with is why I kept coming. Can you hear that? No. The biggest koan for her was why she kept coming. Yeah. I felt like an outsider a lot of the time, kind of separate from, there's like an in-group here. And I didn't feel I belonged at some time, but I kept coming back. And so here I am again. Here you are again. And here you are again. Here I am again. Until it gets worked out. Yeah. Hi. How many of you felt like outsiders at some point? How many felt like insiders at some point? I'm feeling like an outsider most of tonight.

[57:18]

So I came to sit in a seat. Ever since you said it was a barber's chair, I've been thinking I just want the haircut. Now I feel more here. I came in at Case 100. And I am really grateful for what you have been cultivating for 15 years across the Bay

[58:27]

that I could feel but wasn't here to do the work. But it's very touching to come into this space. Thank you very much for that. What I wanted to tell you is that I met your teacher. I went to the Buddhist film festival and there was a little clip of Suzuki Roshi. And although I'd seen stills of him before, I'd never seen him. And it was like five minutes. And his face and what he said, just... I can't... I don't even know what to say about it. And somehow it had me see you differently to see your teacher. I saw you in his face. I saw his face in you. And I saw...

[59:27]

Instead of you just being a teacher, I saw you as part of a lineage that I get to be part of too. And that's just profound. Is this the way over? It's a good way. I can still walk. I have something. I have something. I have something. It's just sticks and paper. It's not that much different from the Book of Serenity. Sticks and paper.

[60:28]

And sometimes, for some people, this symbolizes Bodhidharma coming from the West. Would you like to feel it? No. Pass it around. Please, enjoy it. It's red. Yes, it's red. Is there something wrong with the paper? It's very passionate. You bet.

[61:32]

It's like the bloodline. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank all of you. Is this the way back? It's the way back. So far. You made it. I did, yes. I was kind of surprised.

[62:35]

I don't know, I just... Say hi. Revy. Revy, Revy, Revy. Thanks. I didn't expect to talk tonight. I didn't expect you to either. We're practicing Zen. Oh, okay. Okay. Would you please recite a Yeats poem about Byzantium? Yeah. Would you please?

[63:45]

I don't know the whole thing. Well, it begins, That is no country for old men. Yeah. The young in one another's arms. Birds dying. I know the end of it. I know the end of it. I want you to memorize that again, okay? I will, I'll memorize the whole thing. Just to know it. Okay. Well, there's about her and a gyre. But once out of nature, I shall never take my bodily form from any natural thing, but such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make of hammered gold and gold enameling to keep a drowsy emperor awake. Or set... Or set upon a golden bough

[64:47]

to sing to lords and ladies of Byzantium of what is past, of passing, or to come. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know what to say. But I thought I would be sorry if I passed up this opportunity to sit in this chair. I'm glad you did.

[65:55]

Very glad. I like to sit right in the front row because I think I might get something. So maybe for the next class I could sit here. I think I started about Case 86 or so. I don't really remember. I think I've done five classes, on and off, because it was difficult. The class was difficult.

[66:56]

To stay in the conversation of a koban, yeah. So I kind of needed a break sometimes. And I saw that I was trying to get something from the other side. The class. And I guess one... Is your name Michael? Yes. In Case 86 we were in the Zenda, and it was one bough. It was Linji's Great Enlightenment. And we were kind of acting it out. And I wouldn't talk. And a couple people came up. I remember Maya Zenda came up to me with this real in-my-face look and said, talk. And then somebody shared from the audience, don't talk, don't say anything. So I just was like frozen. And then Michael was the last person that came up to me to try to get me to talk. And his face was so gentle. It was so easy just to bow to him. And it ended.

[67:58]

And you asked me, well, what do you have to say? And I wouldn't talk. And then he said, no, it's okay to talk. And I said, not one, not two. And then that was the end of it. And it was something that stayed with me for a long time. And unfortunately I think sometimes I tried to grasp for that kind of effortlessness again. So, but thank you. And thank you. Grazie. Good. I know I went away. I do too. But I took this with me. I argue with you a lot out there. And every once in a while,

[68:59]

I know that I have something that you won't understand that I want to say to you. And I think about coming and sitting with you and asking you, why is it this? And don't you see it this way? And I don't do that. But I'm glad, so glad to see you again. You're really one of a kind. I want to thank you. And I want to thank you. You were, you helped me realize how important fear is in this class. I didn't realize what a jewel fear in the room is to test our love. That's exactly what it does. Yeah. And so people come here

[70:01]

not necessarily for fun. They come for compassion, to give it, to receive it, so they can be, for example, a person who's afraid. At least once a week. You can feel your fear here. And I knew that somewhat before, but somehow talking, you really made it clear to me that that was the main reason we came to the class. In some ways. We won't get anything out of it. But you've got to come and be in a place that you're afraid and not let your fear stop you. And I realize that many people keep coming to face the fear of this group of loving people. Well, that's what I feel from you. The love. And that's so amazing. And frightening. Because it comes in a certain

[71:04]

one-of-a-kind form. Thank you. Thank you for coming up and telling me all. Thank you. I came to tell you that through the changes and whether I feel like I'm practicing or not, you're always with me.

[72:05]

And I think you will always be with me. No matter what. Thank you. May this be realized. Amen. May it be so. He's from Argentina. Enjoy Buenos Aires. I walked. There's a song that I'm thinking of.

[73:20]

Me too. Would you like to sing your song? Why don't you do yours first? I'm not a singer, though. Oh, really? Well, let's listen then. And I don't know all the words. Oh, I don't know all the words either. Maybe Bernard will help me. Okay, Bernard, you ready? Ready? I'm willing. Okay, get back in here. Why don't you come up closer? This is close enough. It's always close. Once there were mountains in the palm of my hand. Once there were rivers. Once there was a day in the year that I was before you. I didn't know what to do. You threw it all away.

[74:21]

Love is always what makes the world go round. Love's a wrong love, it can't be denied. No matter what you do about it, you just won't be able to do without it. Take a tip from others, try. So if you find someone you're nervous... And I'm not even singing. So if you find someone, give them all your love. Take it to your heart, don't let them stray. For one thing is certain, you'll surely be a hurting if you throw it all away. If you throw it all away.

[75:25]

Thanks, Lisa. Thank you. Thank you. I have a song that came to mind. Oh, right, right. When Lisa walks, oh, when she walks. When Lisa walks, oh, when she walks. When Lisa walks, oh, when she walks. She washed my sins away. Oh, happy day. That's a sin-washer. The way you threw your voice when you sang. Thank you.

[76:31]

I feel like I've got to do it fast. But now I feel like I want to do it slow. Mm. How strong do you think love is? How strong? Yeah. How strong? Strong enough to surrender to. Strong enough to be a disciple of. Strong enough to dance with. Do you want to dance?

[77:40]

Hm? Do you want to dance? I do want to dance. Do you want to stand up and dance? No. I want to sit down and dance. Do you want to stand up and dance? Not really. I feel embarrassed to say it, but I do love you. And I want to grab that love sometimes. Mm. But I don't really want to grab it. I don't really want to. Somebody mentioned to me the other day how glad he was that thorns have roses. It's nice to be here. It's very nice to be here. Thank you.

[78:45]

I want to say again, you know, it seems to me that the price of admission to the realm of to the realm of our true nature is that we can open up to and relax with the dissonance, with the pain of dissonance. So, I think we've been doing that here off and on for 15 years. There's been a lot of dissonance here, a lot of difficulty that we've opened up to. We've supported each other. And that's part of our work, to open up to the great and wonderful Dharma. We're usually resisting a little bit because we're shrinking back from the dissonances.

[79:54]

But if we can relax with the dissonances and stop shrinking back from the Dharma, we'll embrace it, we'll let it embrace us. It's been calling out to us all along. But if we shrink back from the difficulties and the pain and the fear, then we shrink back from our dearest body. And, I don't know if you all agree with that, but even if you do, still we have, moment by moment, reiteration of that great project of opening to the difficulties that are presented. And, I wanted to tell you a story. Several stories, but one of them is that when this class started, as some people have alluded to, we had koan classes before this this one to a hundred koan class,

[80:57]

where we would go over, class after class, maybe the same koan. For maybe five years we had koan classes in the city, and some here at Green Village. But at some point, I don't know what happened, the idea arose, and the intention arose to start with case one and just keep going. What I was doing before was I would start with case one or something, and I would offer a few classes and then people would drop out. And new people would come, and almost no old people would be there. So I'd go back to one again, and go one, two, three, four, five, and nobody would be left. One, two, three, four, five. So I did that several times. And I just jumped out to case thirty-two, and case thirty-seven. But there was not much continuity, even for me. So at a certain point I said, OK. OK, you guys. OK, you guys. Now this time I'm not going to stop.

[82:00]

I'm just going to go all the way to case one hundred. And so we did. And I want to say that some people who were in the room when I announced that commitment said, we'll go with you. But there were some times here on Monday night when none of those people were here. Except me. None of those people said, I'll go with you all the way to the end. None of them were here. And sometimes there was a long time when some of them weren't here. We're back. The night some of them came back. Which is really sweet, that they came back. And although it, again, like I said to

[83:04]

Ali. No, was it Ali? I said, it hurt. But all you people who said you'd hang in there and didn't, it hurt that you didn't. But it still upheld me that you didn't. And I, I usually understood that. I usually understood that the pain of you not being here was really a whole other thing. And I recently went to Houston and gave a retreat, and at the retreat, on the way to the retreat, Galen said to me, she's now the resident priest at the Houston Zen Center, she said, I think you're going to be disappointed with the retreat. I didn't ask her what she meant, but I guess what she meant was, I don't think you'll be disappointed with who's at the retreat.

[84:12]

I think you'll be disappointed who isn't at the retreat. And I was not disappointed that the Houston Astros were not there. Because they never came before. But I was just, it did hurt that a number of the senior men of the group who were there when I first went ten years ago were not there. And it hurt. And I felt, you know, like, part of me thinks I should not be hurt by this. But I was. And I had a problem that felt that I was hurt, and then I didn't really feel like I should be hurt. But I was. So I told the people. I told them that it hurt that these people, these, my dear friends, people that I gave the precepts to, people I'd traveled thousands of miles to help them start a Zen center,

[85:13]

that they weren't there. And the other one says, well, of course they're not here for a good reason. And I said, being dead isn't a good reason. And it still hurts when the first people aren't there. Just because they're dead doesn't make them feel like, oh, they're dead, so no problem. It still hurts whether you're dead or alive. If you're not here, it hurts. Sorry. But anyway, I didn't want to tell them about it. I didn't want to bum up the people who were there by telling them, you know, that it really hurt me that these other people aren't here. But I was, I was taking a walk, you know, off in the Texas landscape, and I remembered a story. I'm not a moron. I remembered a story of Charles Darwin and his wife. And they had several kids, and then one of their kids

[86:15]

they lost when she was 16. I think they lost some young, some babies too, you know. But they lost one 16-year-old girl. And, and after that, his wife was pretty much done for. She like, kind of like she had all these other kids, but she didn't want to take care of them. I shouldn't say she didn't want to, but she just, she couldn't take care of the living because she got too much into the loss. Even though she still had these other kids, she couldn't take care of them. And he, he had a big problem losing this girl too. Now he had this other thing he was into, this project of, you know, understanding nature that kept him going. He didn't give up on it. He didn't, he didn't let the loss stop him from his work. But I kind of feel like I don't want my losses to stop me from my work, and I don't want my losses to stop me

[87:17]

from taking care of my family. But there's always a, you know, it's hard, but I find if I say, like I said to them, you know, it hurt, but then I can say, okay, now, let's go on, shall we? So when I was talking to Liz, I was like, Liz, I knew it was a sweatshirt. So, anyway, there is this side of things of coming and going and being separated, and the pain and all that, that's part of the deal, and it does hurt. But there's a certain amount of pain that's really uplifting. I shouldn't say a certain amount of pain, but there's a certain amount of, there's a certain way of opening to it that lifts us up, and there's another way of opening to it that distracts us, and we have to find that balance in our studies together, and I think we did a pretty good job here. And I thank you all who've been away for a while, for coming back to say goodbye. I thank the new people for

[88:19]

tolerating not knowing what was going on. Knowing that Andy was willing to explain. He could have gone out on the porch and he would have told you what I was up to. But he didn't, he didn't take you up on it, right? The offer's still open. So he, he'll play the bad guy and tell you what it's about if you want to know. But really our way is not to explain. It all makes sense, you know, we can explain it, you feel fine if we told you. But we don't want to explain because then you close down, your mind will close down on this thing that, this thing which you've got to open your mind to, and when you open your mind that means you can't hold on to what this stuff's about. That's hard. We're going to help each other do that, right? Thank you very much everybody.

[89:25]

This is one more encounter. One more encounter. Read the title page. Book of Serenity. Palms. Reflecting the one hundred cases of serenity by students. Have written. Wow. Thank you very much. It's a beautiful book. There's also a celebratory cake. There's also a cake. Would you like me to see it? I think it would be good if you saw it. I've never been to see it. Should we bring it in? Bring it in. It's okay. It's locked in.

[90:30]

One other quick question. If anyone would like an ancestor chart, I brought a stack in the library. You're welcome to keep it if you'd like. That's a result of the class. Thank you Andy. Thank you. Thank you. That's going to happen on Monday. What's going to happen? Here. I don't know. Sausage. Sausage. The desossing for the next few weeks. We're in Argentina. What happened to the dog? There's bowling in Germany. Very quiet. I welcome your suggestions on how to perceive the spirit of whatever this is. There's always going back to phase one. There's other Koan collections. So we're trying to put together the ancestor teachings

[91:36]

with us, you know, passing on to them. So how can I do that? I welcome your suggestions on how to perceive it in that way. I'm so interested in Koans. Am I still interested in Koran groups? Yes.

[92:06]

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