In the world of the self-fulfilling samadhi, various things appear and disappear. Everything that appears turns into enlightenment. If a delusion appears, it turns into enlightenment. And the way it turns into enlightenment is that... How does it turn into enlightenment? Because you understand that it's a delusion. Yeah, because you understand it's a delusion, it turns into enlightenment. It's like you get this letter in the mail and it says, you're deluded.

[01:06]

And you go, oh, I get it. I'm deluded. Well, that's a good one. What's the next one on me? And if enlightenment appears, that turns into enlightenment too, because you say, okay, fine. No matter what comes, everything comes and goes in stillness. There's no success or failure. You're always a success. You have to eat. However, there's no reception.

[02:06]

And by the way, there's this thing in Zen about some people try to bring success or failure into this samadhi, and they call it, it's often called satori, which means, you know, to wake up or to understand. So you want to put that into this realm of where things appear and disappear in stillness. And then you can sort of say, now that appears your success. Satori means to wake up. It means to wake up. It means to wake up in delusion. Wake up to become free, understand delusion. to become free of delusion. Actually interesting, the word satori, which means to wake up, or I understand, is made of two different radicals, and one is mind, and the other one is you.

[03:24]

But your mind, that you, you mind. So Liz asked me a question. And do you have anything new on the front of that question? Or maybe just ask the question. Do you want to bring the question up and then tell people if you had any recent understandings that you'd like to share? Well, the circumstances were that I was going to see... Christina told me I could see whoever I had expected to see him right then at that time, so my mind frantically started to think of the best way to use the time, the question to ask, and...

[04:39]

Sitting in there with him, I noticed that my mind was abstracting and trying to think of all these questions and how I could use my time best. And I realized this was a familiar feeling and that actually I lived my life like this a lot. And that it was about what we were talking about this morning, creating ideas. This is how I feel I live my life a lot, trying to think ahead, how best way to use the time, how to make things come out right, and what I need to do. And I felt that this was a here with Rev, because I was not really with what was happening that was happening, but also what was happening with myself and the body. And feeling, if I was not doing that, not this abstract thinking, that I had nothing to offer, that there was just this kind of or this very passive kind of person.

[05:43]

So it felt like a dilemma to me. And in sitting with Sarvabhaji, I just got back to the meditation hall and sit with this dilemma. I did feel I settled a little bit with the particular issue of coming to ask the question because it seemed to me that the more I settled into just being here, suddenly kind of things started to, it didn't seem like it was happening. It kind of like, I felt, well, perhaps if I could just be comfortable with just sitting here, then the right question will appear. However, in my life, that doesn't seem to work because it isn't quite the same situation.

[06:45]

It's not a matter of sitting in front of someone and asking a question. It's trying to make things run and work and thinking ahead to make sure that it all kind of comes together. So on that kind of abstract plane, I still feel the dilemma there. What's the abstract plan? You know, before I walk into the situation, planning and thinking about... Yeah, I see you're abstracting your situation into the future. Yes. Into the theoretical situation, into some theory about what might happen. Or anyway, some... If this happens, then I'll do that. If this happens, what would be good? Rather than what's happening right now. Yes. And you feel that's necessary in order to live your life. And if you would not live that way, and just be in your life not doing that, you'd feel like a blob.

[07:57]

Irresponsible. Irresponsible. Passive. Passive, kind of a blob, yeah. Right. And that things wouldn't... And then you said something else. You said something about... Did you say what you said after that? Maybe that's... No, but maybe that's not... Nothing to offer? No, something about... Maybe that blob is like... That way of being, that passive way of being, applies to some other situation. Is that what you said? You mean when I sat with it for a little bit? No, at the end of the conversation. I said, but maybe I'm applying something to the wrong situation or something like that. Yeah, what I said? No. Well, anyways, if you're in this abstract world and then you imagine not doing what you usually do, you think, okay, here I am, and I've got this business or whatever, and I have to think about what to do

[08:59]

what would be good to do when I get to work, or what would be good to blah, blah. And if you take that back and not do that, you feel like you're a blob, you feel like you're passive. Right? Yeah. But that's in a situation where you're there already. So then if you stop your activity and you're still there, then you're like, and you think, okay, I'm just going to receive you're not actually receiving, you're already there. Rather than... What? I don't get it. You're already there? I'm sorry. The person lives, or whoever it is, lives is already there, and lives now stops doing the things she usually does. So then lives becomes passive, maybe. She's in a situation now, and she's now going to abstract, she's going to be maybe just experience what's happening.

[10:04]

So that maybe seems passive. This is, got Liz here, and Liz has now become passive. Rather than Liz being active, and Liz being active, not just being active, but being active in the future. Active in terms of accomplishing things, and active in terms of doing the right thing, and active in terms of getting good results, and active in terms of, I think you also said controlling things. So if you see, well, that's actually, that's why I usually do things, and there is some problem there, but if I just stop doing that, I just turn, but see, it's already, I'm here, I'm doing this, I'm doing that, now I stop doing that, so then I become myself, minus a lot of my activities. I come, you become a kind of diminished version of yourself, which, you know, might not seem that much better, might seem worse actually, people might say, what's the matter? You seem kind of listless, and you You're sort of moping there in your office, not talking to the employees anymore.

[11:09]

On this back, you're trying to receive, you know, what's going on. You can say, you're getting really passionate. You're supposed to be our leader. So you can see, can you see that, something like that? You might imagine something like that. But she was there, doing these things before and now she's there not doing these things. She's there all the time. She's there. Right? So now she's switched from being fairly active about that and lots of problems to being kind of passive. But this is the self being passive rather than being aware of the self receiving its function. It's different. And her first question the other night was, what do you mean the self receiving its function, or the self receiving its activity, or the self receiving its, its, its life. I think that, I thought that probably might resonate with some other people, that question.

[12:19]

Now, if you adopted the mode of, you know, switching from I'm doing this, and I'm doing that, and I see that coming, so I want to apply this. In other words, if you switch from this realm of trying to be successful or being self-destructive, self-destructive is like, well, how can I be unsuccessful? That's what some people do. But anyway, what am I going to do to hurt myself or to promote myself? Switch from that to, I'm not going to do that stuff. I'm just going to be here and experience what's happening. And you might feel like a blob. You might feel like, well, geez, here I am experiencing what's happening, but is that all the stuff that might happen? And then you're sort of like, okay, and here I am sitting about thinking about whether that's going to really take care of things that are happening. I'm thinking about that too. I'm receiving that. I'm not doing anything about it right now. I'm just sort of like worrying. But I'm not going to do anything to worry that, can I really sit here and not plan?

[13:23]

Can I really sit here and not you know, get somebody else to take care of some things before I sit here? Could I add another source of worry to that situation? You want to add some more worry? which I experienced. Okay. I would also feel that I'm not properly taking care of my life in the event of some danger. Yeah, that's sort of what she's saying now, too. That's kind of the same thing. That you're not looking forward to some failing or your children getting hurt or whatever.

[14:26]

That you're not planning ahead. If you don't have the right medicines available or you haven't paid your income tax. Worry. What do you do about worry? When the worry arises, what you do is you study the scriptures. The scriptures tell you that you don't have to worry. That it actually doesn't help to worry. And there's a reason for that. So, how come this isn't a problem, this thing about, you know, how come you don't have to worry about not living in the world, this self-created world, where you think that what you should do is what you think you should do. That's the world you live in, right? You live in a world where you think you should do what you think you should do. which includes other people telling you what they think you should do, and you figuring out which ones are telling you the right thing to do, and which ones are telling you something you don't have to do.

[15:34]

You know that world? And this world, and you're the one who makes it for you. You're the one who makes it for you. Other people tell you this stuff, but you're the one who tells you who it is they're telling you, and you're the one who tells yourself what that means, and then they say to you, no, that's not right, or yes, that is right, but still, it's your world. This is the world you live in. And in this world, you think, listen, I'd better do that. And if I do that, that might not work. Maybe it will. But also in this world, I don't know if I can not do all that stuff. That's the world you live in. And if you don't play those games, you might become really passive. So what's the situation? What's the practice with the situation that lives is bringing you? Watch yourself receiving your function from your worry. Watch yourself receiving your function through your worry. Yeah. So you're worrying, and then you say, well, but that's passive.

[16:39]

Watch yourself receive your worry. I'm worried that I'm becoming a passive blob zombie. And actually, people come into the Zen Center and they call the people here zombies sometimes. And some of the people they call zombies are... people who are zombies. They are people who have stopped doing their usual trips, just dropped those usual trips, and now they're doing this new trip called being a zombie. I'm not going to do my usual trip, I'm not going to respond my usual way. But if you keep track of the fact that you're a zombie, that you're making yourself into a zombie, you're actually aware of that. This zombie turns into enlightenment. And this enlightened situation, it isn't enlightened zombie. It's the Buddha's awareness of zombie turning into enlightenment.

[17:45]

And then there's some people who are like, okay, I'm not a zombie, I'm worried that I'm going to be a zombie. I'm worried that people think I'm a zombie. I'm worried that I'm acting like a zombie, so I'm not a regular zombie, I'm a nervous zombie. It wasn't a regular zombie. Zombies are cool, you know. I'm like that, but I'm nervous about it. I'm trying to be cool, but actually deep down I'm kind of like, oh God, this is not going to work. So I'm a blob, plus I'm worried about being a blob, rather than just being a blob. And saying, I believe it's okay to be a blob. It's okay, it's okay. But I really don't think so. You really don't think so. But you also really don't think it's okay to be mis- That's okay either. Because, you know, you crunch people up and stuff like that, and your competitors struggling with you.

[18:48]

So, being very aggressive and powerful, that doesn't work. And also, being a zombie doesn't work. This is the world of the self. Okay? Where you're going to do stuff. Either way. Now, what about if you could be a zombie and, like, not worry? Would that be okay? Would that be pretty cool? You're totally receptive and not worrying about being a success. Kind of like, I'm not even worried about that this isn't going to work. And hardly even thinking, geez, I'm being really passive here. Just like be passive. Would that be okay? No? What's the matter with Salvi? that if you are aware that you're a zombie and allow yourself to be a zombie and watch it, it's okay. Yeah. But not if you're completely unaware that you're a zombie because then you would be in another level not watching anything.

[19:56]

Okay. Now, what if you're a zombie? You think you'd be another level? And what would you say? Another level in what? Not watching anything. yeah yeah not even watching now that sounds that sounds kind of bad in a way but it also sounds a little bit like being a buddha being a zombie and not even and not even paying attention to being a zombie seems like it goes pretty well with being a zombie that's kind of like a zombie being a zombie Rather than a zombie being kind of like, I'm a zombie, but I'm like totally aware. This is like what you call mild-mannered you-know-what in the disguise of a... I mean, this is like Superman in the disguise of a mild-mannered zombie, right? Really lurking behind that zombie is like Mr. Alert.

[20:58]

But that's pretty much Mr. Alert still. Yeah. Looking like Mr. Zombie. It might as well just be Mr. Alert. I don't know. I was thinking that sometimes you wake up in the morning and you're not very peppy and instead of feeling guilty about it, you know, I allowed myself to be a little bit groggy and little by little unfold and be my real wake-up salad, you know, but... I sometimes feel guilty about it and drink a cup of coffee and I think, that's bad. You feel guilty about being groggy and then you feel guilty about drinking coffee. Yeah, that one works. So we feel guilty about the way we are and then we do something to get rid of the way we are and then we feel guilty about getting rid of the way we are. So first we betray ourselves, right?

[22:03]

We say, this is no good. This isn't that bad, but really it's not quite good enough. So we betray ourselves. Then, after we betray ourselves, we betray the betrayer. We say, this is a betrayer. Ooh, this is even worse. So rather than say, well, I betrayed myself, I did betrayal. I mean, I did betrayal, right? Now that was a good betrayal. Here I am, just starting out the morning, and I've already betrayed myself. Not bad. That only took five minutes. Only the next thing I can do to betray myself. Let's see, now, how would I do that? I guess I'd have to, like, actually, like, try to reject the way I'm talking right now. But I'm sort of not, I'm not on the right track here. This is too awake. And also, this doesn't seem very active. I'm not really doing anything so far. I mean, after that first betrayal, when I first woke up and I was kind of groggy, that really wasn't doing anything.

[23:07]

That wasn't like stopping. That wasn't like trying not to plan the rest of the day. You just wake up and kind of like grog, you know, day. What world is it? What's my job? I don't know. Something's here, I suppose. I don't know. There's something here. What is it? Oh, yeah. No. Anyway. That's not really doing that much. You're just kind of like... Almost, you're not even sure anything's there. You're just kind of like... That's not that active. Is it a blob? I guess I'm just saying that's pretty much a blob. So then you worry about that blob. Then you reject the blob. Now you're back. Now we're going. So I think, what is it? We do think that certain situations need to be improved This situation isn't good enough.

[24:27]

This person who is not worrying, who is not planning, who is not being responsible, this person is not good enough. Right here. Even though this person is something that I have dreamed up. I just dreamed up something that's not good enough. Oh, wait a minute. It's not like there actually is something there independent of the imputation that you put on it. You've just said this thing is there, and now you're saying it's not good enough. My imagination isn't good enough. Me is not good enough, so I should be a different me. Or, the other way is, you dream up yourself, you say, this is good enough. But then you say, but this is no good to be dreaming up good me's one after another. Other people don't. Now you walk along, here's a good me, here's a good me, here's a good me. Other people go. So then you stop that, and then they don't say what's, then they don't say what's a bad, they don't disagree with you, but you don't think you're good either.

[25:39]

You're not going to say what's a bad. I'm good? You don't say that, because you don't think it's good. You think, this is just a blob, it's not that good. And other people don't like it that much either, unless you're really aggressive, usually. Some people, when they're sick, people really like them. You know, they say, geez, you're really nice today, and you say, oh, I'm sick. This is called, we don't really trust that what's coming right now is going to happen to us. We don't trust that. So, it isn't that you should necessarily stop worrying and planning and so on. That's another manipulation. You should happen to stop worrying

[26:42]

If there should be a pause, a considerable pause in your planning and manipulating and negotiating and maneuvering, if there were a pause in that, and during that pause you could look at yourself and see that you lacked your usual, hmm, that you'd realize that by the nature of what you see there, you see yourself as a blob. That's what you see yourself as. And that is perfectly, that is perfectly what is, I mean, that is actually what is happening. That is actually what's appearing. And you don't need to trade that in for another thing. Then no matter what you're doing, you're always creating the world of yourself. You're always doing that. So, Go ahead.

[27:44]

Go ahead. Plan. Maneuver. Don't plan. Don't maneuver. Be a blob. Be passive. This is all the ongoing process of creating yourself. This is the thing. Now, no matter what you do, it's going to be the same. You cannot avoid this. If you accelerate your planning and manipulating, it's the same world. If you decelerate it, turn it all the way off, turn it into a perceptive, passive blob, it's the same world. No matter what you do, you can't change yourself. That's all there is, is this self-generated world. And what's a practice? Practice is just to be absorbed as what it is. That's not passive. You can do it in the most aggressive, active situation.

[28:49]

You can do it in the most passive situation. It's not passive or active. What is it? It's just what's happening. And what's happening will give you life, as it always has been. But if you think about that, how to get there, how you are going to think yourself into that, then you might think yourself into a blob. Or you might think yourself into where you're coming from and how you see it. However you see it, that's the way you'll see it. Because all it is, is you're just looking at your own vision. But that's not what's happening. That's just your vision. And if you know it's just your vision... then you would behave differently, because you'd realize that what you're dealing with is not reality, but your vision, your own self-centered vision.

[29:55]

That would be different from, well, this is one reality, and then I'll make these changes, and then I'll have a different reality. No. It's the same reality. It's the reality of I do this, and I do it this way, I do that, and it's that way. I'm making it happen. And neither one of them are reality. Little, what do you call it, circles of water in the ocean. Okay? You go out in the ocean, there's no islands around, the ocean looks like a circle of water. But the ocean is not a circle of water. But that's the way it looks. If you forget that, you're not going to act properly in the ocean. If you remember that, still all you see is a circle of water, but your attitude towards this circle of water is different. You won't make a big, big effort to get over to the edge of the circle of water.

[31:06]

You want to go to the edge. Whoa, wait a minute. Now there's another edge out there. The edge keeps receding because there really isn't an edge to the circle of water because the circle of water is in the middle. Now you say, well, if you keep doing that in the same direction long enough, the circle of water will turn into land, probably. Well, maybe, maybe not. You might get swept around in currents and just keep going in circles. And also, if you get on land, that might not work out very well. What should you do if you're in a circle of water in the middle of the ocean? What should you do? Should you start swimming? Do you have to get out of the circle of water? If you want to. You can if you want to. But what's the best thing to do if you're in a circle of water in the middle of the ocean? And you're on a raft.

[32:09]

Hmm? Hang out on a raft. Hang out on a raft? Yeah. Relax. Relax? Yeah, rest. What? Rest right where you are. Rest. I might suggest treading water. Treading water. Treading water, float, relax. Those sound pretty good. Drink tea. Hmm? Drink tea. Drink tea, yeah. Have a tea party. Invite your friends. But don't try to trade this circle of water for another one. I mean, I shouldn't say don't try to, but don't think that trading this circle of water for another one is going to make much difference. And don't try to control the situation in the circle of water too much because it ain't going to... But still, anyway, if you want to do that, it's a free ocean. You can do whatever you want. But remember that this is not...

[33:10]

The ocean, this is a circle of water. And like that, the circle of water is not really there except to you. Only to your eyes is the circle of water there. You close your eyes, it's gone, and nobody else sees the circle of water. And you cannot, and there's no alternative to this kind of thing. You can't get out of that circle of water. Just like now, we also live in a which is our current time in history, too, in terms of time. This is in space and time. We think the world's a certain way. You know, people didn't used to think it was this way. When you were a little kid, you didn't think the world was this way. But it's hard to keep track of the new circle of waters that you're creating. This circle of waters, the circle of water you lived in before, you'd find is very different. Not to mention if you go like a hundred years ago or a thousand years ago, people thought that the world was a different way.

[34:11]

And people all through history have thought that the circle of water was the ocean. And they fight over the differences of opinion about the nature of the ocean because people forget that they have all these different circles of water. So, if you would relax, and work with what you have, that would be a good thing. Passive. Is it passive to relax? Is it passive to float? Is it passive to sit upright in the middle of the circle of water? You could say so. But what's an example of something active? Can you think of something active to do in the water? Surf. You could surf. Splash. Splash. Drown. Drown. Yes. Dive. What? Fish. You could fish. You could experience your own fear.

[35:15]

You could experience your fear. You could think. Any other activity? Write a poem. Write a poem. Watch all the fishes. What? Watch all the lights. You could watch all the fish. Out there, right there in the middle of a circle of water, any activity, any, [...] any activity that you can imagine. In all possible activities, let your mind go, any activity can happen. You can be as active as anything can be. As a matter of fact, in that state, that relaxed, kind of like stupid state, which is slightly enlightened because you're living in a circle of water, not in a circle of reality. In that state comes what we call a vigorously jumping fish. It's from that place that you have totally unimpeded, unlimited energy, which can take any form.

[36:20]

And what form does it take? Any form. One of them can be, I'm in a circle of water. That's a great creative act. And not only that, but it's true! But you can go through all that without falling for it. You can realize, that was just me that made that up. Just kidding. So there can be tremendous vitality, freedom, and happiness in the middle of this circle of water. Or, you can think, this circle of water is the ocean, you can say, well, I guess I should, you know, be responsible and control the ocean. Which seems reasonable since it's a circle of water which you made. And so you try to control the ocean and, you know, you're somewhat successful, but some of the fish go on strike. Occasionally a whale comes through and says, oh yeah?

[37:22]

Suddenly, it appeared it was a whale. You know? They come. Unexpectedly, unpredictably, sometimes sweet, sometimes horrible. But they come. But you wouldn't try to control the ocean because you can't even see it. So why try to control the circle of water? Only try to control it as just a total, spontaneous, stupid act. That's fine. A dramatic fish jumping out of the water and soon to return to the water. So tremendous activity can come out of this place. And this activity is enlightened activity. It is not happening. No.

[38:25]

This is happening. This is a circle of water. That's all it is. So what do I do here? Well, let's see. The whole ocean, although you can only see the circle of water, the whole ocean is supporting your circle of water. You've got the whole ocean there. You just can't see it. And if you lose track of the fact that what you see is just your own version of what's happening, and hold on to it, then you somehow can't appreciate that the ocean's helping you. It's still helping you. No matter what you do, it's always helping you. It's moving you this way, moving you that way. you up, pulling you down. It's still always helping you. All you can do is interfere with it by thinking that what you see is it. Then if you think what you see is it, then it won't behave according to what you think it should do. Because you've limited it, so then it's going to rebel. Because you limited it. If you didn't limit it, it would never rebel. It's always your friend until you say...

[39:25]

You're one zillionth the size that you usually are, that you really are. You're just this little thing. So then it says, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm much bigger than that. I mean, I'm sorry. People do that too sometimes, don't they? We make people into these little circles of water too. But they won't stay in their little circle of water. They keep doing these things which, you know, they're not supposed to do according to our idea of them. But if we didn't have this little idea, there would be no problem. But we do have our idea, so there is a problem if we forget that it's our idea. We're not going to stop having our idea of people. So try to stop having your idea. Just remember it's your idea. So if you want to be active and plan for tomorrow, go ahead and do it. But remember,

[40:27]

that what you're doing is you're, you know, you're basically trying to build a miniature golf course in a circle of water in the middle of the ocean, which is fine. A lot of other people who are in the circle of water will play golf with you. So you might say, well, then wouldn't you do that sort of half-heartedly? Wouldn't you do that half-heartedly if you knew how ridiculous it was? And that's the funny part, is that you can do it more wholeheartedly than if you think it's true. Because if you think it's true, you know from experience that you can be frustrated in your projects. But if you realize what you're doing, you're not doing this as an act of success and failure. You're doing it as an act of expression. And I'm just going to give you this tea. But, you know, I didn't know if you liked the ground, the little key things down there that might stain some of your clothes, so I'm not going to throw it on you.

[41:30]

But the expression was there of not throwing the water instead of throwing it. But I didn't feel passive. I have a... My brother, my eldest brother, he always in the ocean likes to throw himself where there are currents and big channels of water where there are waves coming and big channels. He always likes to throw himself there. And I have observed that he doesn't fight. He becomes one with the waves and usually... Currents and the waves, he end up in the right place always. Yeah, it's great. It seems that he becomes one with the waves and the ocean. So, being passive has a lot of energy there. And also comes to my mind that he's trusting the nature.

[42:39]

I don't know, something like that. I see you do it many times. How many brothers do you have? I have two brothers. Too bad you don't have more. But I have a sister. You got a sister? Well, how about your sister? Well, she used to dance with us. What kind of dance? Like tango? No, ballet. Ballet? Well, congratulations on your family. I was just thinking that it would be good to think for Liz because maybe, you know, something inside of her brought her to either do Zazen or to this retreat. And if she trusted the current, which is what's going on here or what is happening in Zazen, Forget about planning and trust the outcome of whatever is going to happen here.

[43:45]

It'll be more beneficial for her. So I was trying to compare a little bit this ocean stuff with what's happening for Liz. For Liz, what is the white water for Liz? What, what, what? If Liz says, okay, now I'm going to go with the flow, right? What is the flow for Liz? What's the white water for Liz? What's the white water, Liz? The white water is the life, the stuff that I'm trying to control. Yeah, and it's your attempt to control, too. Right. The white water is her worry, is her planning, is her wondering if she's doing the right thing, is her wondering how to use opportunities well. That's the water. That's the water. So the question is, how can she be in that? So she's in it by saying, well, she came to see me and she noticed all this water flowing.

[44:49]

It's kind of like, well, what should I do with this? This stuff came up. Here you were just sitting in the meditation and all this stuff came up. And you noticed that. That was her attempt to go with this turbulence that her mind created in response to coming to see me. And then at work or with your family, other stuff comes up, other turbulence. So it's not so much that you try to like, try to like say, well, what... control the turbulence, but in fact trying to control what's happening creates a turbulence. And also trying not to, not to control what's happening creates another kind of turbulence. It's called blob turbulence. Turbulence of worrying that you're, that you're too inactive. And the other one is the turbulence of thinking that you're too active. is created by you. You have this great seat to watch the turbulence that you create. And as long as there's any idea of self and other, there'll be because it's not that there's not an other, exactly, it's just that you never see it.

[46:09]

You all see yourself. The turbulence is caused by misconstruing the other for yourself and yourself for the other. If you understand that this is the self, the turbulence goes away. The Buddhist seal is realized. But when the mind gets ripped into two, into self and other, there's turbulence. So originally there wasn't any turbulence. And we ignored it. We turned away from the lack of turbulence. We turned away from the peaceful mind of interdependence of all things.

[47:18]

And that created some problems, some turbulence, and that hurt. So then we said, oh, this is no good. And we said, I'm going to do something about this. I'm going to be passive or active. I'll try active first. That doesn't work. I'll try passive. That didn't work. I'll try active. That doesn't work. I think I'm mostly, I'm going to specialize in active. although it doesn't work, I think this is sort of my destiny to be active. Which creates more and more turbulence and more and more bondage to the turbulence and more and more strength and more and more sense of, well, again, at least I know how this works. So we create a world that way. So that's our situation. Now, this samadhi here is to be absorbed in the understanding that you're always receiving yourself, or that everything you receive gives yourself life, that you're always just living the life of the self, which is just the self.

[48:34]

That's it. And again, in order to appreciate that, you should be present. That would be the best way to understand this. which also logically accords with that because you don't have to run around to be with yourself and to see how yourself is always seeing itself. The self misconstrues the world as itself and it keeps doing it. Did you have your hand raised? Yeah. Go ahead. Okay. As you were speaking this out, the stillness you're describing sounded terribly active to me, but it's not, it didn't sound at all, um, motionless.

[49:36]

The things are coming, um, if I'm present for them, I'm making decisions, and it feels seamless. Things are happening. And, um, but I'm not, I'm not experiencing that. It's still, it's what was coming up for me. It was a, this, um, experience that I've had in my life. First time I went out communing, uh, with a friend. He was the expert. I knew nothing. As long as we were just panelling, we would be fine. As soon as he would give me an instruction of talent, we started spinning in circles. When I was dancing, and as long as I was cognizant of the music and the beat,

[50:39]

I could move across space and time, and I was aware of the space around me and people in that space. As soon as I became aware of myself doing that, I would miss the beat. I would suddenly beat off. And there seems to be this consistent pattern. I'm trying to, I guess the key question is that stillness is not coming just at that point of sitting. It's not just at the time that we're upright. We experience our lives only sick. But there's something else in that stillness. It's something that we're carrying, that's really very active, and that allows us to respond and... Accept what's coming. Use it. Learn from it.

[51:43]

There's something that allows us to accept... Well, I mean, the stillness. I'm trying to understand the... in everyday life and working with it. It seems that when it's present, it's really terribly active and it's not... What is terrible? Well... The stillness is terribly active? Mm-hmm. Yeah, the stillness is terribly active. In the midst of the stillness, there's tremendous, tremendous activity. Like in this thing. All this stuff is happening in the stillness. Things are being born and dying. The whole world of all these different types of beings are being enlightened, There's a resonance between all things helping each other. It's very active. Tremendously dynamic. It still is.

[52:44]

Okay? Miriam? When you were talking earlier this morning, you mentioned events. yes of um um say our fixed idea of the future or a fantasy of the future as a substitute for the present yeah that's one of the things for nothing just renounce trying to get something out of this situation yeah well that's that's kind of part of it too for me is i have a lot of trouble I've noticed that when I bring myself back to the present that I feel a lot of dissatisfaction, even if it's a nice present. It's like there's something in there that says, is this all there is? Yeah. And then it seems to me that some element to just stay with this instead of dwelling in some future fantasy or planning or something. It seems to me that one of the elements is a fear. of just saying, all right, this is it, this table, this room, all of this, you know.

[53:57]

I feel like you just stay with that and accept it and see what happens. It's just real hard to... Well, how about not stay with it, but how about just be with it for the moment? Do you have reluctance to be with it for the moment? Just for a moment? Yeah. No, it's real quick. It's real quick, though. It doesn't last long. I know, but just for the time it lasts, are you willing to be with it? Just to watch it. And what are you watching now? Just what's here. Are you willing to do it just for the moment? And see what's there? Well, not necessarily. Just are you willing to be for a moment with what's happening? Yeah. You are? Yeah. Yeah. That's all it takes. And then do it again, if you're willing. And that's renunciation.

[55:04]

That's renouncing getting anything out of your life. Well, when you say it like that, it sounds appalling. You like it? Pauling? When you said that. Which part? Renounce getting anything out of your life. Yeah. Sounds appalling. Is it appalling to anybody else? Come on, say yes, just to help the rest. It's appalling to the self that wants, wants That's selfish. Anyway, renunciation is to stop trying to get something out of life. And that's the problem is we are trying to get something out of our life rather than live it. And so we're miserable. So just being with what's happening is to be upright in the midst of what's happening.

[56:17]

You're not trying to get away from it. You're not trying to be there to get anything, like wisdom or enlightenment. You're not trying to get enlightened. If you want to be enlightened, then you have to give up trying to get enlightened. It is difficult. Renunciation is difficult. Part of what sometimes helps is to see how miserable and fruitless it is to try to get anything out of life. Somehow you have to sort of reason and discuss that until you can convince yourself that actually that is actually something that is very good to give up. That you're giving up something that would be good for you to give up. Namely, trying to get something out of this moment. Trying to mine the present. Yeah, that's where that dissatisfaction comes from. That's where it comes from. And the more you mine it, the more dissatisfied you get.

[57:23]

The more you try to get more and more out of it, the more difficult it is to get something out of it. Occasionally you strike oil, and then that really hooks you. Oh my God. And then it makes it even harder. Those occasional, those occasional strikes really hook you in. Because they're super great after all the dissatisfaction. I had this friend, you know, he was a heroin addict. And one day we were sitting up on the roof of the city center, at Zen Center, and we were looking at, we had set, we just, we had a nice creative meditation. We were sitting there and the sun rises coming and said, She said, you know, here we are, you and I, we're friends, we just practice meditation, see the beautiful sunset, but no matter how beautiful it is, I always think, you know, this would be better on her.

[58:33]

So once you try to, once you up the ante, it's harder to be satisfied with If you try to get something out of life, then you're haunted by the times in the past when you actually were kind of successful. It takes a long time before you can feel the pain of that haunting. And just feel it and not try to like get into it or get rid of it. This is the consequence of me doing this thing so that I would have such an incredibly pleasureful experience. And I have to feel the pain now of not having that because I had it. Because I did something to get it.

[59:38]

And if you can feel that, without trying to get anything out of feeling it. And you're done for a while. And you can move on to your next assignment. The next thing you have to do. Yes, Linda? You said that you did something to get it. Yeah, like if you did, let's say you took heroin. I was just wondering if there was something that was really pleasurable that you didn't really do something to get. And then with that, would it be less hard to give up? The wonderful things that happen to you, do something to get, aren't so haunting.

[60:43]

They're only haunting to the extent that you didn't experience them fully when they were happening. So like, if when you were a little kid, you had some, or not a little kid, but if in the past you had some moments which were incredible, which were extremely beautiful, extremely lovely, and you didn't experience them, you turned away from the beauty, then those things will haunt you. Or if something was very terrifying and you didn't feel the terror, that will haunt you. These things are already over, but your lack of participation in the moment will haunt you. And you have to, like, the only way to fully experience the ghost But if you did something to elevate or depress the situation, in addition to just turning away, if you actively... more than just turning away from the pain or turning away from the pleasure, or indulging in the pleasure and missing the pleasure because you indulged in it, if you do something more than that, then it's all the harder to exercise and to feel the ghost.

[62:17]

Ghosts do come back. They will come back to visit. They will give you another chance. And if you're present with what's happening and feel it this time, then it's over. If you feel it completely. Not too much, not too little, just all the way. That's how I understand these ghosts. I saw one one time. It actually happened. I saw it born And it wasn't a, you know, it was a very, it was a subtle ghost, but it was a ghost. I was watching someone across the room. I just looked at somebody across the room. And I looked at her. And I looked, I looked away before I actually saw her. I saw her, but I didn't really see her. Just looking at her. And I looked away. And it was a ghost that appeared. In my not really being present there when I looked at her. She was just eating lunch, you know.

[63:22]

But I somehow didn't quite look there. And this happens quite frequently, that you look at somebody and you're looking at them, but you don't quite give the look as much time as the look needed. And it wasn't that big a deal. Sometimes it just But it's very intense to look in someone's face, to actually look at the face. So much is going on, it's hard to face it. So we look away a little bit ahead of time, or we stay a little too long, and a ghost is created. Now these are minor ghosts. This isn't the kind of ghost that happens when somebody's beating you up when you're a little kid, or telling you, you know, I'm going to die if you do that, or something like that. This is not a major ghost, kind of like we block out several minutes. This is just like a fraction of a second ghost.

[64:25]

And you can almost, if you face it right then, you can almost take care of it right there. But these are situations where we turn away from what's happening to protect ourselves from what we are ourselves. Now it's time to go back and face the world we create moment by moment by moment by moment. And this exercises these ghosts and brings us up to the present. And gradually we can start then meeting people and almost be there completely for the meeting and not create new ghosts. or create smaller and smaller ghosts in each meeting. In each meeting, it's very difficult to just meet the person. Each meeting is very intense. Of course, some meetings are more intense than others. That's true.

[65:27]

Like, for example, my daughter's is very intense for me to meet my daughter. So intense. So much is going on there. Some people look at you you know, and they see God. Or you look at someone and you see God. So that makes, it raises the ante on the meeting. But not everybody do recognize, have a nice clear sense. And so it's the intense, not quite as bright, so you can have a better chance of like actually being there for the meeting. But even the lesser gods, we still kind of like, it's hard to just exactly meet the face. Because everybody's got that divinity there. You know, it's in every face. And really, it's there because we use other people's faces to project our divinity. And we want to see it, but when we see it, we turn away.

[66:37]

We turn away from the thing we want to see most. So it's very hard to just see it, and not stare at it, and not turn away, to not try to get something out of the god, get something out of it, or get away from it. To just find that balanced meeting. Very hard. Very hard. And the other person's having a hard time too, dealing with you, looking at them, with all that's happening for you, and they're doing this. It's so dynamic. That's the situation with stillness. And stillness helps you live in that life. That's why you don't have to get anything out of life. Life's got plenty. All you gotta do is somehow be able to be there. And you don't need anything more than that.

[67:39]

Fully satisfying life. But it's so hard. How do you relax in a certain situation like that? Still, it's a good idea to relax. Since you're totally, since you're in, you know, since you're in white water, it's okay to relax. Then did you... I didn't understand. I wasn't following what you meant by the God of infinity. Is that, are you still talking about yourself? Yeah, yourself. You can't see yourself. You can't see yourself. You can't see yourself. You can't see. So what you do is you project it out on the whole world. The way you see yourself is in the world. And then you get to see it. And then when you see it, you say, no thanks. I've been dying to meet you. See you later. Are you saying a way to... I mean, I experience that quite often.

[69:00]

Or often. And... Am I understanding you correctly when you say that stillness is the place... I mean, you know, it's all... Here I am again. I'm by myself, ultimately. Here you are. I wanted to cultivate, and then I'll say, is stillness the way out? I always want to cultivate this thing. Stillness is the way in. Right. Stillness is the way into this world. And so how do I come to stillness through not having that game thing of wanting stillness? I mean, I'm always coming back to the basis of all my actions is to get something. If I'm watching... What I think is what's happening, I'm sort of watching what's happening so I can get out of what's happening if I'm in a miserable state. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.

[70:01]

You could first use stillness to get into the world where you see more vividly how you're always trying to get something out of everything. That's maybe the first thing you'll see. You'll see, I am totally not into renunciation. I'm always trying to get something out of every situation. Stillness. If you're not still, you might never notice it, or you might occasionally notice it, or notice it, but you're moving so fast it doesn't even catch up with you. You've got to slow down so that the realization of what you're up to can catch up with you. And the first thing you might realize is that you're that just gaining thing all the time. So the first step in becoming free of your gaining motivation might be that you start to become very aware of how you're always trying to get something. To be aware of your gaining motivation, that itself might not be very gaining.

[71:03]

The revelation, the gift of seeing that itself might not be coming from trying to get anything. To see that you're a woman doesn't necessarily come from you trying to get something. To see that you're trying to get something does not necessarily count. But in some sense, you know, if you slow down, you might find out that you're a woman. Like you might think, oh, I know I'm a woman, but actually, how often does it actually present itself to you during a day that you realize, oh, I'm a woman? How often does that happen? It's a simple question. How often does it get revealed to you during a day? I'm trying to get something out of this situation. And are you being still when that shows up? I would say basically that when that shows up, that's because you're being still. Stillness is the situation in which the situation occurs. That gets you into this place where this revelation of what you're up to.

[72:07]

And what are you up to? You're up to creating a world with self. Do you have a question? Yeah, that question is very close to me because when I was much younger I I think I was a rather, I was not a very nervous person. And I was very often accused even because I was not trying to get ahead of things. I lost a lot of things. And my father was a Well, I would say that he was sick. He was always agitated and violent and very blaming. And I find that now I find myself agitated most of the time, extremely nervous, and I fear.

[73:17]

That is not allowing me to make any progress in my practice, so to speak. And I was wondering... You're afraid that what is not allowing you to make progress in your practice? This nervousness that I feel a great deal of the time. That's what you think, okay. So how can you come to stillness if you feel much greater over time. Well, the fact about your agitation shows that you have some stillness. You may not be aware of this, but there are some people who are so agitated and so fast moving that they don't know they're agitated. Or they think the only reason why they're agitated is because they're agitated.

[74:28]

If they weren't agitated, they wouldn't have totally come. Was that too zen for you? Like if you go into a bar, you know, and people are bouncing off the walls, And you might mention to somebody who's in the bar, you might say, you seem rather agitated. I'd say, no, I'm not agitated, I'm just in a bar, you know, and I'm just on all these drugs and I'm just running all the room, but I'm not really agitated. If I wasn't doing this stuff, I'd be totally calm. Do you know what I mean? But actually, in fact, if they came off all those drugs, and you took away the music and the other people and you were just sitting quietly in a bar with them, they would see that it's not because of all the things they're doing that they're agitated.

[75:30]

They're agitated without doing anything. If they sat still, they'd realize they're incredibly agitated. Now, some people, it's true, and they're not at all agitated, and they're just not agitated at all, period. And the movement doesn't agitate them either. So the fact that you notice that you're agitated means that there's some stillness there. Somebody's still enough to notice that you're agitated. Your agitation is not blocking your practice. Your agitation is testing your practice. Your agitation is coming to you to see, what does this mean? What does this agitation mean? It's not blocking your practice, it is the food for your practice. what would you have to work with? Well, whatever the next thing is. Depression, composure, whatever it is, that's the thing to work with.

[76:34]

Agitation is not blocking your practice. And if you think it's blocking your practice, well, then we'll turn the agitation up a little bit. Now do you think it's blocking your practice? Now I think it's blocking it even more, even worse, I'm more blocked. Oh yeah, okay, we'll turn it up again. Really terrible. Oh yeah, turn it up again. Now I really can't use it. Oh yeah, turn it up again. When it gets bad enough you say, oh okay, I get it, I can use it. Now I see. Now I see. This is my practice. This is helping me practice. Thank you. I get it. I don't need to be more agitated. I'll start practicing with this. This is fine. Okay, yes, thank you. Whoa. Agitation. Nice show. Wow. Agitation. Whoa. Great. Thank you.

[77:36]

I'm sure you don't want us to turn up again. No. I'm suffering enough. I get it now. I get it, [...] I get it. This is my life. Yeah, right. You sure you don't want to get anything out of this? No way. This is enough. I'm happy. Hopefully it doesn't have to get too bad before you start saying thank you and say, okay, now I start meditating. It's upsetting enough, and now I get it. Okay, now it's time to calm down. But you were already calm all the way up there while you were fighting. You were calm in that struggle. It's just that you were still holding out. You hadn't let go. So there's stillness, but stillness isn't the same as renunciation. Stillness shows you the turbulence that comes from holding on. And the more still you get, the more you see how stupid it is to hold.

[78:39]

Until finally you say, I think I'll let go. And that's not the end of the story. Then you start moving into the drama. Then you start to say, okay, Now I'm gonna start like turn to actually face the situation. Try to find my place in this situation. Okay, let's have a little period of quiet now, okay? So why don't you, you know, stretch a little bit and then when you're ready, sit down. This morning during morning service, we chanted the Fukan Zazengi, the English translation of that.

[79:43]

The English translation of the name is Fukan Zazengi. Fu means universal or general. Kan means encouragement. Zazen, sitting meditation. And Gi means ceremony. And, uh, would you mind me, I need to talk to Karp real quick about why don't they translate that over here as gi? Usually they translate it as the universal encouragements for zazen, or universal admonitions for sitting meditation. They usually don't translate the word, the last word, gi. Zazen, gi, is gi that you're talking about? Yeah, gi means ceremony. So the way I read it, literally, and maybe scholars can have some reason why you wouldn't read it that way, is a ceremony for the encouragement of Siddhi meditation. So that's the text that we chanted this morning, and we'll chant it again tomorrow morning.

[80:51]

And if you'd like a copy of it, I have a copy of it right here. Pick it up after. So this character here, right here, is the character Gi in the text.

[82:04]

And this Gi is composed of two other characters. This one, which means person, and this one, which means meaning. So you put person and meaning together, that's the character for ceremony. And I think that's an important part of the meaning of ceremony, is that it's how persons come together. Okay? Okay. And so we don't say that the meaning is in the person, but when the person performs the ceremony, the meaning comes beneath the person through the ceremony.

[83:16]

The ceremony itself, however, comes beneath the meaning. But when you bring your energy to the ceremony, when you give yourself to the ceremony, the meaning is realized in response to that devotion to this form. And if you read this instruction for ceremony as a preamble, There's actually a description of how you actually perform the ceremony. So, for example, part of the ceremony is you eat and drink moderately. In Judaism, before certain ceremonies, you fast, right? In some other religious traditions, you fast before certain ceremonies.

[84:18]

Buddhism says you eat moderately before the ceremony of tzadzian and drink moderately. Keep your fluids up, keep your blood sugar at the right level, moderate. You wear clothing, not too much, not too little. And you wear them in a dignified way, but not too tight and not too loose. And you sit in a place that's not too bright and not too dark. Don't sit in total darkness and don't try to sit in the midday sun. Sit in a sheltered place. Also a place that doesn't have too good a view. And not too windy. It shouldn't be too windy. Also don't eat right after meals. These are various instructions about how to prepare yourself for the So, another thing we should not mention here, brush your teeth, wash your face, wash your hands and feet as part of the preparation for the ceremony.

[85:29]

So, in the text we are reading, you know, it says, what does it say? Ahem. for the first time you meet a master, without engaging in incense offering, bowing, chanting Buddha's name, brushing your teeth, washing your hands, eating and drinking moderately, you should just wholeheartedly sit and thus drop away body and mind. You don't have to do these preparations. You can overeat, you can undereat, you can fast, you can be filthy, you can be immaculate. Actually, this sitting does not depend But don't be cavalier about it either, and think that, okay, it doesn't matter what state I'm in. It doesn't matter, and yet it doesn't depend on the state. The ceremony does.

[86:34]

For example, if you're drunk, we won't let you in the zendo. You'll be excluded from the ceremony if you're too disheveled and too filthy, though. But you can beat Buddha with dirty feet. However, you come to the ceremony, the Zazen ceremony, and you walk off the street from being barefoot on San Francisco streets, we'll ask you to wash your feet beforehand. You say, well, what's the matter? You're afraid you could get Zendo dirty? That's not really the point, although that's part of it. And in the hippie days, you know, lots of young people were walking around San Francisco barefoot. Some of you might have been those people. Some of you elderly ones. I see some smiles there. Maybe so. And so they came to see the Zen master at Suzuki Roshi in the city.

[87:39]

They were very surprised that his main teaching them was, wash your feet. This is some kind of Puritan thing. Anyway, for the ceremony of Zazen, you follow certain forms. So this is a description of a ceremony. There's more details than are in here. This is kind of like a general encouragement. There's more details. So it says, you know, you sit up straight. You don't lean forward or backwards, right or left. Keep your eyes open. Always keep your eyes open. Keep your mouth closed. Keep your mouth. Nose in line with your navel. Put your hands in the cosmic concentration mudra. Put it against your abdomen. There's all kinds of little details of the ceremony about how you hold the mudra that aren't written here. instructions about the ceremony of zazen.

[88:43]

This is not zazen. That ceremony we do over there is not zazen. Strictly speaking, it is the ceremony of zazen. It is the ritual of zazen. It is a form of zazen. A form or a ceremonial form, because ceremonies are, you know, pre... pre-arranged, traditional, established forms. Of course, you can make up ceremonies, but usually a ceremony, if you just make it up and don't tell anybody what you're going to do, it's not exactly a ceremony unless you plan ahead. It's actually before you can plan ahead, Liz. You say, okay, now I'm going to go in the zendo and I'm going to walk over there and spot my place and sit up straight. It's okay. That's the ceremony of zazen. That's not zazen. Zazen is every step of the way. Before you get in the meditation hall of zazen, what's happening, the way your life is, the way your self is just this self, that's zazen.

[89:51]

Real zazen. That's not the form. That is the fact. That is the Buddha Dharma. And if you put your whole heart into the ceremony, the whole meaning comes to meet you. Put half your heart in the ceremony, half the meaning comes to you, approximately. If you hold back a little bit of your heart from the ceremony, a little meaning is held back. Not because some great Buddha is up there being stingy, but your holding back blocks the full meaning. Your resistance blocks it. And it's okay That's part of how you find your wholeheartedness, is the resistance. So what we do in the meditation hall is our little kind of like, you know, inci... inci...

[90:58]

It's our little tiny version of Zazen. It's our little tiny version. It's our little play we do. Our little play. We little play Buddha. Just like Buddha. Just like this little Buddha thing here. Just like Buddha. And Buddha did this too, just like Buddha. So we call that, you know, kind of like a carved dragon. It's like a carving of the dragon. Or a little model dragon that you make. When you make that little model dragon, up in the sky,

[92:02]

or out in the ocean, is coming to meet you, is up there in the sky saying, oh, there's my pal down there making a little statue of me. It can't come in the zendo too big, you know, but it's in resonance and it's realized in response to this little thing we do here. And this little thing we do here is a way that can join in and be brought in to the actuality of zazen. So ceremonies are important and part of the importance of it is not to make more of them than they are or less. And then experiment with giving your whole heart to them

[93:06]

And learning the forms is a way to engage your energy and give yourself to it. And after some time, you learn the form, and then you just repeat the form pretty much. You're not exactly learning it anymore. But as you repeat it over the years, it gets deeper, even though It's hard to tell the difference. It gets deep. But it means that you find ways to give yourself more and more exactly 100%. That minute, that day, that hour, you learn how to do that. which is another reason why some people compare this practice to like the analogy or the metaphor or the parable of the raft.

[94:15]

I've heard the expression of the raft. You use a raft, but then after you get across the river, you abandon the raft and just go on. The Buddha did use that example. But the practice of zazen, and even the ceremony of zazen, is not like a raft, because even after you get to the other side, this ceremony helps other people. So like that other example, I didn't tell you the whole story, but anyway, the example of the Buddha out in the forest, among all the wild animals, just standing when he was standing and so on, So then, then Senor Giannasoli is talking to him at the end, you know, and the Buddha said, so you might think, Senor Giannasoli, that, you know, if the Buddha was really liberated, how come he keeps going out in the forest and practicing sitting and walking meditation?

[95:19]

In other words, you might think that this was the raft that got me across. And then after I got a cross and I was liberated, I wouldn't practice going out in the forest anymore and doing sitting meditation. But that's not true. I do continue to practice sitting under a tree in the forest. And those reasons are, one, because I like it, and two, for the sake of future generations. So Buddha's ceremony was like a, what do you call it, kind of a rustic or funky ceremony. He just shuffled out into the forest in his clean rags and sat under a tree. It wasn't a big deal, you know. It wasn't like gilded, you know, gilded cathedrals kind of Buddhism at that time.

[96:24]

It was just a simple... enlightened yogi going up there to sit. But that was his ceremony. And he did it even after he was the Buddha so that his successors could learn a way that they could transmit too. So when you do this ceremony, you offer a way that then, that has a lot going for it. If you learn this ceremony, you can do this ceremony outdoors, in the woods, you can do it in your house, you can do it in your office, and other people can learn this ceremony and they have a way to put their energy into a form such that the meaning of the Buddha comes. The dragon responds. The thing you do. And even after

[97:25]

by whatever means you learn how to sit as the self which is nothing but the self even after you really learn how to give yourself to that the essential reality of zazen you still have the ritual the ceremony which you can do for people who can't yet realize this zazen which you can't do nobody can do a real zazen but people can do a ceremony So most people can't do a practice that they can't do. It's too hard at the beginning. Please give me something to do. Okay. All right. Eat and drink moderately. How's that? That's too hard. Something easier? Wear your robes loosely bound and arranged in order. That sounds good. How about cast aside all worldly affairs?

[98:30]

No, no, not that. How about sit up straight? Okay. How about cross your legs? All right. How about not leaning? I can do that. How about keep your eyes open? All right, I'll try. How about put your tongue near the roof of your mouth? Okay. So you give these people something to do, they do it. And that effort, zazen comes. to meet the person, even though they're still like, like, I'm doing it, rather than, this is just a self, which is, this I'm doing stuff is just a trip I'm on, you know? And that's all it is. It's nothing more than just this self-centered trip. Aside from the self part of it, even though you don't realize that yet, still, the meaning comes to visit you. it still brings the meaning. When you learn to practice zazen as actual zazen, which is not zazen you do, then the meaning doesn't come to meet you, then that is the meaning.

[99:39]

The real meaning of zazen, the zazen which you can't do, comes to meet the zazen which you can do. If you give all yourself to the zazen you can do, the zazen which nobody can do comes to meet you. If you give your zazen to the zazen you can measure, the zazen that can't be measured comes to meet you. If you give yourself to the zazen you conceive of, the zazen which is inconceivable comes to meet you. If you give your zazen to the zazen which starts and stops, the zazen which never starts or stops comes to meet you. If you give your zazen to the zazen which is good, the zazen... that comes to meet you. So this is a way for you to give yourself, in terms of your own selfish trips, to give yourself to the something you can do. And as you do it more and more thoroughly and you get your timing down, gradually you wean yourself from just being involved in things you can do and into the Buddhadharma.

[100:45]

And then the real zazen is realized. completely. But still, you might want to use the ceremony. But you don't have to. Not everybody does. Some Zen masters don't use the ceremony. They decide, I'm not going to teach people the ceremony. You've heard stories about those Zen masters. The monks climb, [...] climb the top of the mountain. And they say, would you teach me Zazen? And they say, what's that? You can do the ceremonial songs. No. I will teach you to clean the cave. By the way, if anybody wants to be his disciple and clean his rock garden for me... Okay?

[101:56]

So, that not only can you put your energy into the ceremony of Zazen itself, but you can put your energy into other ceremonies. Let's see if you can bring Zazen into other ceremonies, like bowing, like our meal, the way we eat our meals formally, meditation, studying. There are many other ways, many other ceremonies in which you can bring your zazen to that ceremony. We have tea ceremony here too at Green Gulf. Anyway, when Zen students, people who have been sitting, go to tea, it's different. They bring something different to tea ceremony than people who don't sit. They bring this, you know, they bring a little bit of this meaning of a sense of what it's like to do something that's a waste of time.

[103:03]

Whereas most people who go to tea ceremony, they go there to try to learn tea ceremony, right? Since students are a little bit more likely to not expect that, I'd like to go, I'd like to practice tea ceremony knowing that they never will, but they still want to. They're really enthusiastic about learning something, about practicing something that they'll never be able to learn. So they make better tea students, if you'll excuse me for a second. That probably should be edited from the tape. Okay. So, that's the topic which I have discussed. Any questions about that or comments before we go on to the next and more interesting thing? Yes. Yes. I saw Jacobec's Sissi, I remember when he was in the bush, he shared with us that certainly the entomology is eel.

[104:16]

Eel? Eel. Eel. I don't know. I was wondering, well, what is that healing? What comes forward? Self and other came up as a place for us to heal that. Yeah. That's the main thing that the ceremonies, or Buddhist ceremonies are for, is they're to heal. Particularly bowing is for that purpose. Bowing is to overcome the separation between yourself and what you're bowing to. Even though, at first, I think people feel like it accentuates the separation. Like, you know, you're kind of like, hey man, what's happening, you know? This is like, you know, no big deal, you know, you're not so separate from me. You're just one of the guys, I'm just, you're just one of the girls, hi. But if you bow to somebody, it's kind of like, Oops, there's somebody over there.

[105:17]

Especially if you prostrate yourself, it's like there's somebody over there. You. So it shows you that you don't understand. You really think that that person over there is not yourself. So it shows you that you're not too good at this practice of seeing that whoever is over there is yourself. So you keep bowing until finally you get what's over there is yourself. It takes a few bows to get it, but... Eventually, you bow enough, you understand what is over there is yourself. That we are constitutionally of seeing anything other than ourself. We're not just self-centered, we're also self-circumferenced. Self here, self all around, infinitely. The whole universe is yourself. And knowing that,

[106:17]

self, which is the whole universe. Okay? That's the self-fulfilling samadhi, to be absorbed in the self, which is the entirety of the universe. To sit and understand that the whole universe is yourself. David? A couple weeks ago, in Norma's class, you said that One of the reasons that we went out into the forest was because when he was hanging out with his disciples, they would have little arguments and, you know, just sort of unpleasant sort of things. And so that would get him down. The impression that I got was that he wasn't completely immune to that sort of thing. Uh-huh. And he would head back out to the forest to sit or walk around or whatever just to sort of clear himself. Right. So he could go back. That's an example of Norman seeing himself. Norman is a sweetheart, you know.

[107:26]

When people are arguing, Norman walks like, hey, I'll see you later. I want to see you people fighting. I sometimes feel like that too. Not so much when they're fighting, but when they're fighting with me, I sometimes feel like I've got better things to do. So, like when Buddha, when Buddha's disciples are quibbling, then Buddha says, excuse me, you guys can fight, I'll see you later. Then you read that as, like that, right? But, yeah, I guess also that apparently there's a story, even in detail, that, like, where he's out in the woods one time and he runs into, like, the king elephant. Yeah. And they talk about it. You got the same problem with your elephants that I do with my monks? And the king monkey said, yeah, it's the same with me, boy. We should start a club, you know, a king's club. So, David and Charlie?

[108:30]

Charlie and David? Go ahead. David and Charlie? I think maybe you answered... But anyway, this expression that you've been using of this self-sitting or standing or whatever... As the self, or only as the self. That's the same as saying seeing other as yourself. Does that have the same meaning, that expression? Seeing the universe as yourself? Seeing other as yourself. It's not so much that the universe is yourself, even though I might have said that, but the universe you see. is yourself. You see yourself everywhere. So the entire universe you see is yourself. But it's not exactly the universe of yourself. It's not exactly that I'm yourself. When you look at me, you see yourself.

[109:33]

And that's just yourself. It's not me. You know, it's the other thing I'm doing besides being you. But I'm doing the same thing to you that you're doing to me. I'm making you into myself. I can't help it. I got to, got to. I'm geared to make everything into myself. But in the same way that you notice how you make everything into yourself, once you notice that, then you make everything into yourself. Excuse me. Just say the last part. In the same way that as a human being, what we actually are is a being that makes everything into ourself. Yes. Something's happening and we make it into ourself. Yes. If you notice how you make everything into yourself, then you see how everything is made into enlightenment. That's correct. Yeah, this is when you understand what you're up to, then everything confirms this trip you're on. And everything enlightens you when you realize what you're up to.

[110:37]

But if you don't admit what you're up to, and you think, oh, poor little people out there, Well, it's true, there are other people out there, but you don't know, you don't care about those other people. You don't just sit there and let other people come at you. When they come at you, you go, boop, me. Boop, boop, boop, turn everybody into yourself, like that. It doesn't, it's really easy. Well, I want you to know that I turned you into an excellent... That's what I like to hear. Psychological term, projection, that's what you're talking about. Projection. Right, projection. And when you're intimate with a projection, okay, that's called sitting still. That's called don't run away from your selfish projection, your projection of self. Don't run away from it. That opens the door to this samadhi of the Buddhas, where then everything that happens is pretty selfized, enlightens you, frees you from this self-trip.

[111:48]

Everything sets you free, everything realizes you're Buddha. But first of all, you've got to, like, not run away from your trip. And it's not... because snuggling up to your projections means snuggling up to anxiety because these projections are not completely real I mean they're not completely in accord with what's happening except for you and for you they are in accord with what's happening because that's what you're up to so there is phenomena and it's easy for us to do that non-stop As long as it's just giving us food and water, we'll keep doing it, unless there's brain damage. Then it can be all kinds of different patterns. But we still want to learn to do that, even if we have problems. So then we have to go to special schools to learn how to do it. Special education, right? Special Olympics for the people who can't be like, you know, totally selfish, like regular people.

[112:59]

So Buddhism, you know, especially Dogen, is so incredibly modern. Incredibly modern. And somebody says, who asked me, did you ask me, Marianne, about what was Buddha's, Buddha nature? Well, I think the way he put it was, rather than the way Dogen Zenji puts it, he put it as, he called it not-self. So this self, this samadhi would be like the samadhi of the Buddha. But the Buddha went through the same thing. He zeroed into the anxiety that arises from the belief in self. Same thing. So the Buddha, through the Zen lens anyway, it's easy to see that Buddha is doing the same practice as Dogen, very, very clearly. But Dogen, I don't know, just really brought the self thing up there. in a way that, you know, I can imagine, without thinking about it too much, but just tonight, just say that it seems to me that Japanese people in the, you know, 13th century were not ready for this teaching about... These people, you know, are really, you know, have been for a long time really into conforming to the group, right?

[114:26]

But this teaching is so relevant to Americans. It's like the perfect teaching for Americans. So, so, so, so, so relevant. It's wonderful. So realistic. So down to earth. So deluded. Speaking of deluded, yes? So, you kind of addressed it, I think, but... Self and the self that's fulfilled by all things, is that, I'm having trouble with this term self, is that the limited self, or is that the... You could say the limited self, you could have a limited self, and you could say it's fulfilled. So take a limited self, limited self, gets fulfilled, okay? Everything that happens fulfills it. Everything that happens, it gets bigger. So everything enlightens it, everything turns the light on for it, everything makes it lighter and bigger.

[115:35]

Or you could say it's our idea of self, and then when it's fulfilled, it goes beyond our idea of self? Yeah. The self we cling to as our self gets loosened, we get liberated, we forget it. Is there another word for self you can think of? Charlie? Did you want some more? Me? Mine? I guess and then you could have a fulfilled me would be way beyond what I usually think of it. Right. When I was in graduate school I did a paper on separation anxiety. I was discussing it with with my advisor, and he said to me, he said, we know what the Zen Buddhists do to overcome the separation anxiety.

[116:38]

We know what the Zen Buddhists do to overcome the separation anxiety because they get attached to something, right? Like their mother, or their girlfriend, or their boyfriend, and then it gets taken away, and then you feel anxiety, right? Or your health, or your youth, pull down and stuff like that, and then it gets taken away, or there's a false threat that's going to be taken away. That's the usual kind of thing. What the Zen Buddhists do is they get attached to everything. So then they don't have any anxiety. And I say, I don't know about that. I think it's more than that. I don't get to see. He called me, my advisor called me. So I think we're... But in a way, you know, there is some truth in that, that what we do in Zen Buddhism, we get attached to everything. You know, we project ourselves on everything. But last up, we project ourselves until we don't like, so we don't really think of it as attached.

[117:46]

But if you got attached to that stuff, then you sort of like realize, well, this is just my, I'm getting attached to myself. So I feel attached to everything I see. It's like that. Getting attached to everything you see, everything you hear, everything you smell, everything you touch, everything you think of, to get attached to it is kind of like you're recognizing that you put yourself out there. You've put your self-thing on the thing. When you see a thing out there, that's because you put yourself on it. You can't see things without using your self-thing. That's how you make the world, is by doing selfing all over the place. But everybody does that, which is so Buddhist. Everybody does it, but most people don't necessarily think that they're attached to everything. People don't think they're attached to their enemies. They don't think they're attached to streets. They don't think they're attached to pieces of garbage on the street. Right?

[118:48]

Maybe not. Well, yeah, maybe not. I guess not. Yeah, I guess not too. To know that, you have to That would be a conscious exercise. My advisor was supposing that the Zen Buddhists intentionally get attached to everything as a way to overcome anxiety. That was his interpretation of Zen Buddhism. And at the time I thought, well, yeah, but no, it's too simple, you know. I'm going away now to study Zen. I don't want you to make it into that. But it's kind of like that. It's kind of like that. That you realize that you make everything in yourself. In fact, you do that. And when you make something into yourself, in some sense, you are attached to it in the sense that you're attached to the thing being what you make. You know, this is your baby. You know, I've made Jay, and that's going to be Jay. And you're going to have, you know, I have some investment in that.

[119:51]

And if he wants to be somebody different, well, you know, he's going to have to talk to me about it. And the more investment... It's impossible for him to move around too much. It's going to inconvenience me because I've got him in this little J thing, right? So the attachment I have for myself is reflected in my attachment to what I think everybody else is. And I don't let people go out there. And I don't think you do either. I don't think he vaguely let me be here. Kind of like, well, he's sort of me, he's sort of not. He's sort of Elena, but he's not. He's really not. You've got it pretty clear which is which, don't you? Was there any outstanding questions before I go to Kevin? Looks like you're on. So maybe your teacher was...

[120:54]

receiving part of a signal that Zen Buddhists attach to everything. But then they let go. Well, I guess, I don't know if he said that they let go of him, but his theory was that by attaching everything, you got anxiety. That makes even less sense, really. Even as a construct in and of itself, I mean, the more things you get attached to, the more things you can have separation anxiety from. Right. But the way I first saw it was, if you get attached to everything, and you can lose your wife, you substitute. But you've got all these other people. Well, I still have all these other people. I still have the frogs and the mountains and the stars. I've got zillions of stars. Who cares if I lose a few girlfriends? That's not going to take a deal. There's probably, up in those stars, there's probably planets where I meet things on them.

[122:02]

So that's one way I took it. But the wisdom of it, I think, is that That Zen Buddhists attach to everything means actually that Zen Buddhists are people who realize that they're attached to everything. We don't usually think we're attached, like I said, to our enemies or to things we don't care about. But we are attached to them in the sense that we're attached to that we don't care about. It's not kind of like, okay, these are the people I like, these are the people I don't like, so these people I'm not going to give a lot of energy to and I'm attached to not give If they want all my money, well, no, you can't have all my money. But if your kids want all your money, say, sure, I take all my money. But you're not my kid, and I'm attached to you not being my kid. So if you say, come on, Dad, give me some money. Daddy, Daddy. I say, you're not my daughter. Don't talk to me like that. It's not going to work on me. I'm not going to fall for that.

[123:04]

I know you're not my daughter. What my daughter does is I go, oh, yeah, sure, here's the money. because I think that's my daughter. And so when she says, Daddy, I say, where do I sign, you know? So we're kind of attached to everybody being, you know, we're kind of attached to who is who in our universe. Got everybody in a little category. This person you listen to about physics, this person you listen to about medicine, got everybody set. This is the teacher, this is not the teacher. So, you know, in that sense, Zen Buddhists attaching to everything Zen Buddhists would be people who admit that they're attached to everything. If you admit you're attached to everything, you're an honest, wise person. And if you admit you're attached to everything, then you're not running away from who you are. And then you're ready to enter here. So now that I think of it, if that's what he meant... But he was a very smart guy, this guy.

[124:04]

But one time I saw him at McDonald's, I was walking by McDonald's at the University of Minnesota, and he was in there. And he was a real tall guy, and he had a big head, like... What's it called? Eraserheads? Coatheads? There's a movie called Eraserhead, wasn't there? The guy with the forehead about this long? He had that kind of forehead, really long forehead. He was a Dutch guy, huge forehead and real tall, skinny body. And he used to sit like this. I don't know if I can do it. I used to sit like this. I can't do it. I used to... He'd wrap his foot around here like that. And I thought, you know... And I'd be sitting there cross-legged. The two yogis would have these discussions, right?

[125:10]

And he was really a nice guy. And he actually did very friendly to me. We used to sit in his office for a long time having discussions. In McDonald's, he had his leg crossed like this, his big long body and his head like this. His body was this big question mark with his face down and his hamburger. And I looked and I said, well, I don't want to be his disciple. I didn't like the way he ate his hamburger. It just wasn't beautiful the way he was eating it. That reminds me, I want to tell you something that David said one time. I just happen to have this picture here. David looked at the picture and he said, It said, it looks like Doug is looking, one of his eyes is looking up towards heaven, and the other one's looking down at a hamburger.

[126:29]

This one's looking at the hamburger, and this one's, this is like the non-dairy eye. And this is like the hamburger eye. And that's Zazen. You know, he's looking at the world, the non-dairy world. Which way is non-dairy?

[126:51]

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