The superior and simple color of true practice, of the true mind of faith, of the true body of faith. I haven't suggested this during some more traditional sessions before, but I have suggested it during some other retreats, that you write a haiku to recite to the group at the end of the retreat.

[01:26]

Someone already gave me a haiku, if you think of that. And a haiku is a Japanese-bound poetry where he has three lines. First line is five syllables, second line is seven syllables, and third line is five syllables. And he usually uses images of concrete canvas. It doesn't so much talk about He doesn't say, like he doesn't say, I was sitting by the pond and a frog jumped in and I was surprised. It says, the old pond, frog jumps in. So you feel like, you know, I'm surprised maybe or sadness or whatever.

[02:30]

The word sadness, in a way, is kind of abstract. But if you say, old temple bell, you might feel something. Or a rotten cake, you might feel something. So these are images like fans and teeth and teeth and hair and sweat blood, flowers, and trees, and grass, and people using those kind of images. And also, based on some experience that you have here during this time, it's particularly, actually, really some experience that you have in right sort of through this expression. I want to say a little bit more about the magnanimous mind.

[03:49]

One thing in particular was that when we hear that the My venomous mind is not being carried away by, you know, the sounds of springs or the colors of autumn. Which, if you try to set it more abstractly, is not being carried away by your mind when it imagines gain and loss. and you're lying when it thinks that you're being complimented or insulted. So, in the midst of that, you don't get carried away by those things. You're inclusive, impartial with regard to them, and immovable in the midst of your mind is calculating how you're doing.

[04:53]

But it's normal for a human mind to be evaluating are going, like, do these people like me or not? Like the normal for teenagers to be constantly calculating the popularity rating in high school. And they say, oh, it seems to be going up there. But adults do that, and little children do it. It's part of our sibling rivalry thing. Do my parents love me? Are they paying attention to me? Blah, blah. This is normal. So it's not that your mind stops calculating and evaluating how you're doing. It's just that you're not all shook up. Oh, there's my mind calculating that I'm not doing. Oh, well, there's my mind calculating my practices really good. Isn't my mind practicing my practicing slightly above average?

[05:56]

My mind's doing that, but there's not a big mind here, which is just kind of like, okay, all right. Not even okay, all right. Is that so? Is that so? So there are times when your mind does turn off, so to speak, the calculation system. It does happen once in a while. Sometimes you look at something and you just, nobody evaluates it, just kind of like, So there are states where the calculation system subsides or just goes flat. But even when it's activated, the great mind embraces it generously, patiently, and the network is great. Listen to that song.

[07:01]

How does it go? We must dream every kiss. A kiss is just a kiss. A smile is just a smile. Or a sigh. Sigh. Sigh is just a sigh. The fundamental things in life as time grows by. Fundamental things apply. Hmm? Apply. The fundamental things apply as time goes by. The fundamental things apply as time goes by. So there's the third attitude that A.A.

[08:06]

Koso Dogen recommends, when Karen and Philip McKinney, is this roshun, which in this translation I have here is called kind mind, so it's called kind mind, elder mind, parental mind, grandmother mind, and so on. And he says, this kind mind is the parental mind. Just as parents think about their children, you should bear in mind three treasures. Even poor and suffering people raise their children with deep love. Their hearts cannot be understood by others. This can be only known when you become a father or a mother.

[09:12]

They do not care whether they themselves are rich or poor, but their only concern is that their children will grow up. They pay no attention to whether they themselves are cold or hot, but they cover their children when it is cold and shield them from the heat of the hot sun. This is ultimate kindness. Only those who have aroused the mind can understand. And only those who practice this mind are aware. In this way, you should look after water or grains of sand with compassionate care. Just as grains of rice, let's say. With compassionate care. as when raising your own children. When you handle rice or water or anything else, must be with the affectionate and caring concern of a parent raising an only child.

[10:24]

The great master Shakyamuni Buddha gave his final 20 years of life to shield us in age of declining learning. What was his intention? He offered his parental mind to us without expecting any fruit or gain. Someone told me that they felt a little bit of some kind of dynamic. some of the stress between the image of Christ, of Jesus Christ, and Buddha Christ. Christ means anointed one. So Buddha is an anointed one, and Christ is, Jesus is an anointed one. But this person felt kind of like Jesus in a certain way because Jesus kind of like was so compassionate, he gave his life to save us.

[11:30]

And I'm not trying to make Buddha as good as Jesus, but... In the Buddhist tradition, a Buddha died at 80. The tradition is that he easily couldn't live to 100. That was sort of his natural lifespan. But what he did is he donated his last 20 years, gave him away, and died 20 years early. And the 20 years were given to us that helpless are not practiced in the coming time. The idea of Buddha sacrificing his life for our welfare is is there, too, just like Christ didn't use life. And my first teacher in Zen, Suzuki Rashi, I think kind of gave his life for us. You know, he really, when Tassajara demonstrated, he really kind of gave himself. And I think that he didn't necessarily do what was best for his health.

[12:36]

did what sort of best practice. Maybe he shouldn't have been eating brown rice, for example, because he wasn't used to it. And changed his diet, lost a lot of weight. But he, I'm not saying that causes cancer or anything. He may have weakened him some. But people, you know, people kind of wanted him to take it easy, but he wouldn't because he wanted to set an example for the young lungs. Because we didn't have you know, a long tradition, depending on the way it looks. So he was our own example, really. So he set a really good example, but it was hard and hard. So I think that the self-sacrificing example of Christ this morning, I think, is very moving, but it's not absolutely breaking. So this is what Dogen said about the Grandmother Mind and the Felder Mind.

[13:42]

And I think I read that and heard about that in the early times I was practicing it. And I heard other expressions of Grandmother Mind. It appears here and there in Zen literature, the expression Grandmotherly Kindness. And also, sometimes when I read this particular thing where he says, this can only be known when you become a father and mother. Their hearts cannot be understood by others. I kind of feel sorry for people, parents. You're not a mother yet? He wants to be. Huh? He wants to be. You don't have a problem yet? You don't have a problem yet? He wasn't.

[14:47]

As far as we know. But he did know that parents know something that other people don't know. Even he didn't know. And I remember when my daughter was born, I saw her come out of her mother. One of the first things I saw, the first thing I thought was Buddha. The first thing I did was laugh because her head was about six times bigger than I expected it to be. You know, when the baby's head's coming out, the head crowns, there's pressure on the cervix and the head sort of bulges off a little bit. So you kind of think you follow the contour, that's bulge, and you think that's how big the head's gonna be. That's a little clip on it, clip of the iceberg, and this huge head came out of it. It was surprising. I mean, it was very calm. It was just a very calm, huge head.

[15:51]

And then the doctors, the kid, and the kid could cry. So the kid, she went, huh? It's just one of them crying. Anyway. The next thing I thought of was, oh, now I understand what my parents' me meant when they said they loved me. They used to say that they loved me. You know, when I was a kid, they'd say, I love you. And I'd look at them and say, yeah, I know, right, of course you do. I love you too. But there was something about the way they said it. Am I missing something here? I'm loving you. Well, yeah. What do you mean? Can you tell me something more than a day? And then when I saw the baby, I realized something I had never felt before. It's a special variety of love. It's a different type. It's just a special variety. We don't know it. I think a lot of people give their life for their spouse or their lover.

[16:57]

But the way you feel about your kids is... that you really need to be generous for them. And, you know, it's just kind of sponsored by biology. But anyways, it makes not, and in grandparents too, you know, you don't have to work. It's not like, oh, I should be thinking of my kid. You don't have to be mindful of your concern for your kids. It's kind of natural. At least where are you? Let me see. Kids don't necessarily want to see you all. Sometimes they do, especially when you're in yoga. But sometimes they grow up, but you don't forget them. Then you forget me, but you don't forget them. It's like, it's easy to be mindful. Easy to remember. So in the same way, yoga says, we should care for the Buddha that dominates on it. It's not something easy for people to remember the book all the time.

[18:05]

We aren't biologically endowed to keep thinking of supreme enlightenment. We don't have that biological support. So we have to train ourselves to develop this grandmother mind towards enlightenment. So we have to train ourselves to think about enlightenment all the time. even without saying the word enlightenment. You might be saying the word capital, tin. But really you're thinking of enlightenment. You see a person, you know, but really you see what you're thinking about is enlightenment. I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing you. Boom. Anyway, so I heard this teaching about Grandmother Nguyen.

[19:12]

I thought it was cool. And there's lots of stories about Grandmother Nguyen, which I'll tell you if you want to later. Basically, I thought it was, yeah, really Grandmother Nguyen. Of course. And then I heard about stories about one of our ancestors. And this ancestor's name is Tetsu Gika. And so it's, you know, in the lineage coming down to, most of the Soto Zen practitioners in the United States and Europe now are descended through Tobi's line. There are other Soto Zen lines in China, you know, besides the ones that came to Japan, but not that I'm looking at the loss of the mass of Chinese culture at this point. It's not a clear Soto Zen lineage in China anymore.

[20:17]

So the one that we're mostly dealing with in America is the Soto Zen of Togi's language. So the next person in the lineage is Eiko and Eijo. The next person in the lineage is Katsugika. So the third Japanese ancestor in his lineage is Katsugika. So he's one of our great ancestors. And he had a wonderful disciple, who was very prolific and had lots of great students. So I heard, I don't know exactly when I heard it, but I heard some rumors about some problems with which Katsugika had kind of a difficult, he was a wonderful monk, but he had some difficulties with his life, like some of the monks do, who are not so bad. And so basically what I heard about was that Dogen told Gika that he had some kind of problem on the grandmother mind then.

[21:27]

That he didn't have enough grandmotherly mind. I heard that. That was a sticking point in his educational process. He didn't run it to be a leader in the community. He was a, I don't know, you know, wonderful, energetic, wholehearted monk. He was also one of the first tenzos of the monastery that dove in front of him, that was called Eheji, what was then He was noted as a very devoted pencil. And the kitchen was separate from the meditation hall and used to carry the food at the monks up to the snow.

[22:29]

And everyone loved him. He was a wonderful, very generous, kind, wonderful monk. And Dogen loved him too, and he was a great administrator, and had lots of energy, and potent, just a great guy. He had a problem. And the problem that he had, Dogen called, not enough brand love that money. And then I, a few years ago, I found this thing called Final Instructions. This is Dogen's Final Instructions to Tetsu Deepa, written by Tetsu Deepa. And I read this to you. Final instructions recorded by Gika. On the eighth day of the seventh month of the fifth year of the Kensho era, Master Dogen's disease recurred.

[23:38]

I was very alarmed and went to see it. This is just shortly before Dovian dies. This is the spinal instructions before he dies. He said to me, come close to me. I approached his right side and he said, I believe that my current life is coming to an end with this sickness. In spite of everyone's care, I am not recovering. Don't be alarmed by this. Human life is limited. And we should not be overwhelmed by illness. Even though there are 10 million things that I have not yet clarified concerning the Buddha Dharma, I still have the extreme joy of not having formed mistaken views and of having genuinely maintained correct faith in the true Dharma.

[24:42]

The essentials of all this are not any different from what I have spoken of every day. This monastery is an excellent place. We may be attached to it, but we should live in accord with temporal and worldly conditions. In the Buddhadharma, any place is an excellent place for practice. When the nation is peaceful, the monastery supporters will live in peace. When the supporters are peaceful, the monastery will be certainly at home. You have lived here for many years, and you have become a monastic leader. After I die, stay in the monastery, cooperate with the monks and laity, and protect the Buddha Dharma I taught. If you go traveling, always return to this monastery.

[25:46]

If you wish, you could stay in my heritage. Shedding tears, I wept and said in gratitude, I will not neglect in any way your instructions for both the monastery and myself. I will never disobey your wishes. Then Dogen, also shedding tears and holding his palms together and said, I am deeply satisfied. For many years I have noticed that you are familiar with worldly matters and that within Buddha Dharma you have a strong way-seeking mind. Everyone knows your deep intention, but You have not yet cultivated a grandmotherly heart. As you grow older, I'm sure you will develop it.

[26:53]

Restraining my tears, I thank him. At that time, the head monk, Ejo, was also present, and he heard this conversation. I had not forgotten the admonition that I did not have grandmotherly heart. However, I don't know why I dove in seconds. Some years later, some years earlier, when I returned to AHG and had gone to see him, he had given me the same admonishment during the private discussion. So this was the second time I was told. On the 23rd day of the seventh of that year, before I went to visit my hometown, Dogen told me, you should return quickly from this trip. There are many things I have to tell you.

[27:53]

On the 28th day of the same month, I returned to the monastery and paid my respects to my teacher. He said... While you were gone, I thought I was going to die, but I am still alive. I had received several requests from the Lord Oshishige Hapano at the governor's office in Rokopara in Kyoto to counter the capital for medical treatment. At this point, I have many last instructions, but I am planning to leave for Kyoto in the fifth day of the eighth month. Although you would be very well suited to accompany me on this trip, there is no one else who can attend to all the affairs of the monastery as well as you. I want you to stay and take care of the administration.

[28:59]

sincerely take care of the monastery affairs. This time I am certain that my life will be over. Even if my life is slow in coming, I will stay in Kyoto this year. Do not think that the monastery belongs to others, but consider it your own. Presently you have no position, but you have served repeatedly on the senior step. We should consult with others on all matters and not take decisions unilaterally on your own. Since I am very busy now, I cannot tell you the details. Perhaps there are many things that I will have to tell you later from Kyoto. If I return from Kyoto the next time we meet, I will certainly teach you the secret procedures for Dharma transmission.

[30:07]

However, when someone starts these procedures, small-minded people may become jealous. So you should not tell other people about this. I know that you have outstanding spirit for both mundane and super-mundane worlds. still left grandmotherly heart. Dogen had wanted to return quickly. Dogen had wanted me to return quickly from my trip so he could tell me these things. I am not recording further details here. Separated by a sliding door, the senior nun, Egy, heard this conversation. On the third day of the eighth month, Dovin gave me a woodblock for printing of the eight prohibitory precepts. On the sixth day of the month, bidding farewell to Dovin at an inn in Wakimoto, I respectfully ask, I deeply wish to accompany you on this trip, but I will.

[31:27]

Return to the monastery according to your instructions. If your return is delayed, I would like to go to Kyoto to see. Do I have your permission? Dogen said, of course you do. So you don't need to ask any more about that. I am having you stay behind only in consideration of the monastery. I want you to attentively manage the affairs of the monster. Because you are native to this area, and because you are a disciple of the late master Akon, many people in this province know your trust reviews. I'm asking you to stay because you are familiar with matters both inside and outside the monster. I accepted it disrespectfully. It was the last time.

[32:31]

And this was his final instruction to me. Taking it to heart, I have never forgotten it. Reading this, I feel that he wanted to go with his teacher, because he thought he would never see him again if he didn't. And his teacher wanted him to come with him, because it's nice to have your children with you when you die. But he wanted me to take out his motor station, so he stayed. So you see, he loved Dikai.

[33:38]

He thought Dikai was a great person. And he was. It doesn't sound like Dikai was holding back in any way. What was his grandmotherly mind about? So I couldn't understand what the problem was. Turns out I didn't have grandmotherly mind to me. So I had a problem with that for quite a while, you know. So I don't know when I first read this, but for about 10 years I was wondering why I would continue to be with that language. And then I heard a Japanese teacher talk about it too, you know, who also talked, he's the person who said how great Deep Kai was, and he said some things like that, oh, but then, you know, he was speaking Japanese and I kind of lost, you know, it's a subtle point.

[34:39]

And then it was, and then I tried to listen to the tape, but the tape was recorded on the phone screen, so I didn't have a problem. But then I found something more written by Dika, which kind of clarified it. And this developed 18 months after this, after Dogen died. So, he was Dogen's student, and he would have become Dogen's successor, that Dogen had lived more than that. But he didn't become Dogen's successor, he became a successor to Dogen's successor. Geijo was Dogen's successor, he became Geijo's successor. But he was actually a fellow student with Geijo, but 30 years younger, 25 years younger. And the reason why, probably the reason why Dogen didn't give him complete his training was his grandmother mind trouble.

[35:47]

So then, after, later, he kind of got it and did Dharma Transmission. And this is what he wrote. In the past year or so, I've been reflecting on the lectures I heard given by our founder, our former teacher. And this is what he's taught in Asia with his new teacher. I heard, excuse me, even though I heard all of these talks from our former teacher, now they are different in meaning than at first. The difference concerns the assertion that the Buddha way transmitted by our teacher is the correct performance of daily tasks. Even though I heard that the rituals of the Buddha way are the Buddha way, in my heart I privately felt that the true Buddha way must reside apart from the

[37:09]

of daily past. Recently, however, I have changed my views. Recently, however, my views have changed. I now know, or I now have confidence, that the rituals of daily life, the rituals of daily life practice and the deportment in our practice are themselves the true Buddha women. Even if apart from these there is also some infinite Buddha way of the Buddha and Shuttas, still it's really the very same thing. I have attained true confidence in this profound principle that apart from lifting the arm and moving the leg in one's daily Buddha conduct and deportment, there is no other reality. So this is really, and it's related to the fact that, well, let's talk about his problem.

[38:28]

His problem was that, like, again, when you're eating or sitting or cleaning the temple, cooking meals, that there must be some Buddhism in addition to them, beyond what you're doing. But what grandmother mind is, is that you take care of whatever you're doing, like you're taking care of your only child. And if you're, except in this case, your child, in a sense, is the Buddha. And so everything you do is a Buddhist ritual, in a sense that everything you do you do to take care of Buddha. When you lift a cup, you lift the cup to care for Buddha.

[39:29]

When you turn a page in a book, you turn the page to take care of Dharma. When you flush the toilet, you flush the toilet as a ritual of taking care of the Sangha. Now, of course, the Tony will want you to flush the toilet. But you do everything in your daily life to care for the Buddha, Dharma and Son. And when you take care of your life that way, your life becomes a ritual. Or that action becomes a ritual. It's a ritual enactment of Buddha, Dharma and Son. And you do that with the same concern that you would take care of your own baby. He wouldn't be like, well, maybe later I'll, maybe the next thing out there would be Buddha. But this thing, this, you know, because that's not really Buddhism.

[40:31]

See, he said, he was very devoted, but he didn't, he thought there was something more to Buddhism than just making everything you do the Buddha way. He thought that, that's what he kind of admitted. He heard Dogen say that, he said, the Buddha way must be something more than just what we're doing. But somehow the grandmother mind is this feeling of the urgency to make your current activity, to devote your current activity to realizing that's the grandmother mind that Ikai lacked. He was wholeheartedly doing what he was doing, but he still a little bit thought that there's something other than that to take care of. That's the flip there. was his lap with that in my mind. And that's the dog in the point. That little duality there between lifting arm and extending the leg and thinking of some of the Buddhism.

[41:40]

And he got over it. And he became a good ancestor. and he uses this expression actually lifting the arm lifting the arm and moving the leg he uses that expression because he came from another teacher who was in another style of practice which is closely related and said something slightly different what they said was that if you expand your army, or lift your weapon, all your activities manifest the Buddha Dharma. Whatever you do, manifest the Buddha Dharma.

[42:41]

And that way, it's been criticized as antinomianism, which means, antinomianism means, antinomianism means, against the norms. or against the wall. In other words, saying that precepts don't matter. All you got to do is have faith that everything you do is the Buddha Dharma. That's all it takes to manifest the Buddha Dharma. The difference here, if we don't say that whatever you do is the Buddha Dharma, we say we need to make everything we do the Buddha Dharma. Do everything we do for the Buddha. It isn't that whatever you do is a gift to Buddha. It's that you do everything for Buddha. That's the difference between grandmother's mind and the kind of heresy that would imply that it doesn't matter what you do, because whatever you do is embraced by the Buddha.

[43:51]

And in fact, the Buddha Dharma does penetrate everything, but not everything manifests. So cruelty does not manifest Buddha. Because according to that, if you were cruel, that would manifest Buddha. Buddha doesn't penetrate this cruelty. There's a lawfulness about how cruelty works. But cruelty doesn't manifest Buddhist compassion. Now if you were cruel, and you noticed it, and you wanted to make your cruelty for the Buddha and probably would say I'm really sorry I did that that was a big mistake please forgive me I won't do that again that's what you would do if you were doing it for Buddha because Buddha you know Buddha Buddha does not want you to be confident so if you caught yourself doing something what you do then is you confess and repent that's what you do and then you make your confession

[44:57]

unskillfulness offered to Buddha by confessing and repenting. And the Buddhists come and help you when you offer your confession of your unskillfulness. And when you're doing things which aren't necessarily all the skillful and unskillful, like drinking water, you're just kind of neutral, you know, you're somewhat skillful, but all your skillful and neutral actions, you do them for Buddha. of the rituals by which you intend to manifest the Buddha are the Buddha. Let's describe it or not. And this relates to what I said earlier in the retreat, and that is that in order to have intimacy, we need rituals. We need to form the others. And I, one of the things, one of the first things I heard from Zikula is to

[46:04]

surprised me was when he said, with people with acquaintances or strangers, you can be informal. You don't need to be formal with strangers and acquaintances. But with the people you're intimate with, you need to follow up with. I thought, well, I thought it would be the other way around, maybe. Some people are quite fond of people that don't know, because they're kind of informal people they're close to. But in worship, really close to people, he said, you need formality. It's surprising. But then over the years, I thought about it, and now I really feel true. I'm informal with my wife. I need to make appointments with her. But you think, oh, well, you live in the same house, you have to make appointments with somebody you live in the same house with, right?

[47:15]

No, you don't need to, it's true. But if you want to be intimate with them, you do need to make appointments. Because if you don't make appointments, you never get together. You just walk by each other and say, can I talk to you sometime? Been busy now. Can I talk to you sometime? Sure. When would you like? Uh, how about tomorrow? Can't do it. See you later. Wanna go to the movie? Wait. Wait. How about tonight? Do it tonight. What time tonight? That period. Can't do it. How about 6.30? Okay. Is it a date? Yes. Did you write it down? Do I have to? Well, I think so. How do you do it? Or you say to your spouse, I'm going to go to retreat in two weeks. And they say, ah, bye, hon. And you say, did you hear me?

[48:16]

And you say, no, what did you say? That's it, I'm going to retreat. Oh, when? Next week. I don't want you to go. What's the matter? Well, I have to do this, and I want you to be here for it. Oh, I see. Or, okay, it's okay. You can go. And then you time for a retreat. You're probably walking up the door and say, where are you going? Trying to retreat? What retreat? I talked to you about this already. I forgot. I made plans for us in the meantime. Oh, do I think you're that bongo with you to remind you, you know, like a secretary? You know, I have this retreat coming up. Maybe I told you. You would do that, you know. If you're intimate with somebody, you have to, sometimes you have to remind it. Remember I told you a couple weeks ago that I was going to do a retreat? Well, it's been three days since I said that. Did you remember I said that? No. Just want to remind you, come enough. And a few days before the retreat, do you remember that I have a retreat coming up?

[49:18]

No. Remember now? I remember when you said that, yeah. Is it still okay if I go? Yeah. But anyway, you think because you live with them, they can read your mind. You think that they remember everything you say, but they don't remember what you say, and sometimes as they get older, they lose their hearing. And you say something to them, and you think they heard you, but you didn't check. And since you didn't check, you didn't find out that they didn't hear you. But why do you check with someone you live with all the time, all the time? You don't have to unless you want to be intimate with them. So with strangers, you don't have to check whether you're going to a retreat because they don't care whether you go to a retreat or not. So you go out by somebody and say, I'm going to a retreat, and they say, hmm? And then if they see you to a greater line of a retreat, they don't say, where are you going? Are you crazy? When you're intimate with somebody, you have to do all this giving your word kind of stuff.

[50:25]

And checking to see if they heard it, and getting them to say back, yes, I did hear you. And sometimes what they say back is, no, I did hear you. And you didn't check. And it's kind of a problem with doing a lot of work to be like synchronized, infinitely, like in a dance. One of the students, actually two of the students gave me tickets to this ballet, a Frankfurt ballet, and I went to it just before I came here. And the last scene, the last piece in ballet was 22, I don't know how many people, but the whole troupe was playing on the stage, and they had 22 tables on the stage. And they were dancing around the tables, and they had to really get to do this amazing intimate thing of dancing around these tables.

[51:30]

And anyway, it's just a very intimate thing, this dance. Yes? I'm thinking that there's two varieties of these horns, the word you talk about. And one is kind of like what we were talking about the other day, with what we determined here, where they're explicitly stated and then sort of agreed upon. But it seems like there's also another kind of form, which I want to call almost co-dependence, things that arise in the relationships with the people in your life that just happened. Like what? What's that? Like what? Oh, like throwing your towel on the floor after your bath and your life picks it up for years and years. Yeah, but that's not a form. That's not a ritual.

[52:32]

That's like codependence, maybe. That's exactly the kind of thing that does not promote intimacy. I understand. I guess that's the conflict that I... That's not a form you set up together. What I mean by formality is formality isn't just that you're that manifests in form, it's that actually you're intentionally doing it that way, and they're intentionally doing it that way, and you agree together to do it that way. So you say, throwing the towel on the floor, you're not taking that off, it's like you're going to the movies without talking to her, and she just accepts it. You know, you just do something, and she kind of goes along with it. It's a pattern, but not form. It's a form, but it's not a form in the sense of a ritual. It's not a ceremony. So, in a sense, when you're into somebody, you need to do ceremonies with them. Like the ceremony of going to the movie involves, do you want to go to the movie?

[53:34]

No. Yes. Whatever. Ask them. And then they say no. And you say, did you say no? And they said, no, you didn't say no. They said yes. And did you say yes? They said yes. This is especially important as you get older because people can't hear each other. And again, when a stranger comes in the house and they say hello, you say hello, and then you say, please have a seat. And then you don't just walk off and read your emails. But with your spouse, they come in the house, you say hi, and they just walk off. You might do that, but you wouldn't do that with a stranger. In both cases, it's not very intimate thing to do. So again, you're an able-bodied guy, you can go to the movies, you can wash yourself and throw your towel on the floor, right?

[54:38]

But your wife might say, you know, I'd like to make a brief with you, have a little ceremony called, you throw the towel on the floor and I'll pick it up. Let's do that ceremony. You're the guy who washes himself and throws the towel. I'd like you to throw the towel right over here. It's called a hand. And I'll pick it up, and I'll wash it. I'll do that. That'll be our ceremony, okay? And you say, we do that ceremony together, and we have this intimate relationship. You putting the towel in the room, and she takes it and washes it, and then She says, and then after I wash it, I want you to fold it and put it back on the ship. And you say, okay. That becomes a ceremony called the using of towels and the cleaning of towels and the putting the towels away and using the towels. Can you agree on that? And it's an intimate thing to do. And it can be an intimate dance. Rather than you throw it, she picks it up, but she doesn't feel intimate with you.

[55:40]

Or another one is like, you know, There's a ceremony you could do. Here's a ceremony you could do. I'll wash our clothes, and you iron them. I'll wash my clothes and your clothes, and you iron them. And then you said, OK. So she washes her clothes, and she gives you her clothes, and you iron her clothes. One woman told my wife one time, she said, this guy irones my clothes. It's such a terminal. You know, you have an understanding. So I'm saying, what I'm talking about forms are ceremonies, rituals, where you agree and build it together. They're bilateral. And in a sense, throwing it on the floor and picking it up, in a sense, it's bilateral, but it's not really bilateral unless you agree to do it. Both sides are kind of like checking with, do you really want me to pick up your clothes after you...

[56:44]

And you might say, yes, I do. And the person might say, okay, well, let's do it that way. But they might say, do you really want me to? And you say, yes, I do. Well, I don't want to. And you say, okay, well, then, so we should do it that you won't pick up after me? Yeah, let's do it that way. There's a lot of different ways you can do it. So that's, it can be a lot of different forms. But the main thing is that you, that they're by right a little. We make them together. We check with each other to see if we understand correctly. And then we take care of them together. We maintain the forms together. And we make a commitment to take care of them. And so practice forms in the monastery are very much like that. But you can create these forms outside the monastery, too. But when you create them outside the monastery, in a sense, you're making a monastery. Because you're making a place. That's primarily devoted to intimacy.

[57:49]

And dash, dash, the Buddha way. Realizing intimacy is the Buddha way. But we need forms. When people get married, they make vows. I plight be my trough. In other words, I tell you this is my truth. What's my truth? My truth is I want to go to the movie. But you tell the person and they say, I want to talk to you about our kids, or I want to talk to you about our vacation, or I want to talk to you about cleaning the garage, or I want to wash I want to wash the clothes with you. I want you to do your iron. That doesn't mean you have to do what they say. It just means that you talk to them about what you're thinking of doing and you're committed to put your desires and ideas out in front of the person.

[58:57]

You have that form. So habits are not the same as ceremonies that I'm talking about. The kind of ceremonies I'm talking about are ceremonies the purpose of which is to manifest enlightenment. The purpose of which is to manifest intimacy. If you want to be intimate with people, I'm supposing you need forms. Otherwise, you're just flipping to, you know, acting in relatively unconscious, uncommitted, non-inclusive ways. What we can easily do, you know, again, my children, they do not naturally learn to brush their teeth. They don't, like, Very seldom that the children, like, parents that brush their teeth, don't say anything to the kids. The kids come over and say, can I break my teeth now? Then they can talk. They don't necessarily want to. They need to be, they need support. They need to do the ritual of tooth brushing ceremony.

[60:00]

They need to do the ritual of toilet training and train them.

[60:05]

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