which is the chicken and which is the egg. I don't want to be rigid about it, but I guess I would say the meditation practice of the Buddha is the chicken. And egg is the teaching of causing effect. So someone might say, I guess if you're vegan, you don't eat either the chicken or the egg. But some people are vegan with eggs.

[01:01]

So, in that case, you can eat the teaching of karmic cause and effect. But if you're willing to eat chickens, you can also eat the Buddha's meditation practice if it's offered to you. Now, which is the chicken and which is the egg? sentient beings who are confused with Buddhas, which is the chicken, which is the egg. There I don't think I can say which is the chicken and which is the egg. There I think they're born to give. As soon as you have suffering beings, you have the Buddha. As soon as you have the Buddha, you have the Buddha. Now that we have Buddha who's practicing, then the Buddha teaches

[02:06]

the practice of Buddha, and the Buddha teaches the Dharma of unconstant thought. Certainly when we have Buddha's meditation, we have right view. Certainly when we have right view, we have Buddha's meditation. When we have Buddhism meditation we do not have wrong view. When we do not have wrong view we can't engage in Buddhism meditation. There is this issue of the relationship between Buddha's meditation and the teaching of karmic cause and effect, the relationship between Buddha's meditation and the Bodhisattva precepts.

[03:28]

When you have Buddha's meditation, you have the Bodhisattva precepts. ...the precepts, you can engage in Buddha's meditation. So how to present these two dimensions of our practice and keep them balanced is for us. I just noticed the last couple of days that my name's on a book called Being Upright. And the subtitle of the book is Zen Meditation and the Bodhisattva Precepts. There's a book about that, the relationship between the two. In this case, Zen Meditation is Buddhism Meditation. Someone asked to receive the Bodhisattva Precepts and so she thought she should read this book called Being Upward.

[04:38]

She thought, okay, I'll just go right to the part about the precepts, the bit about the introduction. She went to the second part of the book on 10 great precepts. She got really angry. She thought I was saying, don't do this, don't do that, good girl. She didn't like that. Stop reading. But... Actually, that was before she asked to receive the precepts. And after she received the precepts, she said, maybe I should try to read the book again. But then she started at the beginning, where we started more about the meditation and the relationship. And she said it was a totally different experience. So she loved it the second time through, starting at the beginning. She really got angry at first. For us who want to study and practice Bullyadharma, how to appropriate use our mind and our body is very difficult to understand.

[06:02]

It's very deep. Many people may engage in zazen but it's not necessarily the zazen of the Buddha's ancestors. When sitting, if there is seeking, it's not the same as Buddha's zazen. If there is wrong view, attachment and arrogance, it's not the same. If we sit with wrong views, it's not Buddha's sitting. If we sit with seeking, it's not Buddha's sitting. You've heard this before, right? Did you hear this before? How many times did you sit? Oh, good. Have you heard this before?

[07:12]

Have you? We all know by now that to be free from wrong views we do not think or say there is no retribution for good and bad karma. Right? Speech like that expresses wrong view and blows the Buddha dharma from our body and mind. When the wind of wrong views and speech blow the Buddha dharma from our body and mind, we cannot practice the zazen of the Buddha ancestors. practicing Buddha's meditation is dropping off body.

[08:20]

With body and mind dropped off, we have no seeking. With body and mind dropped off, well-abused attachment and arrogance are gone, and we can practice Buddha's meditation. I sincerely pray that we together may realize this practice. I think I've also told you before, but I didn't really notice at the time, though, when I looked at the time when Tsuke Roshi died, I saw that he was talking more about precepts in the last years of life, particularly last spring and summer, than I'd ever heard before.

[09:34]

And you'll notice that the don't seem to also be bringing out the issue of morality and repentance, reconsidering it and putting more energy into considering the law of causes towards the end of his life, trying to get the balance between right view in Buddha-satsang, between the law of cause and effect and Buddha-satsang. Try to balance these two considerations. And there was one place where he talked about this issue and It's in this book, Ehe Kouroku. And I should say, it's recorded in Ehe Kouroku.

[10:51]

And I read the Ehe Kouroku. And then I read the scholar's commentary on it. And I felt a really different feeling reading the translation and reading the scholars' translation and interpretation. I found what was in the book actually quite soothing. I found what the scholars said kind of irritating. And I thought I would show you these two different ways of looking at this. I thought, which is better, to show you the soothing and then the irritating, and the irritating and the soothing? Have they made an irritation in some of you? What? Start with what? Irritating. Some people want the soothing first and the irritating later.

[11:55]

And others want the opposite. How many people want the irritating and then the soothing? Raise your hand. How many people want to see the thing that irritates them? It's okay. Shouldn't we find out what the scholar has to say about this? No. Well, it's... So what the scholar says is... Why don't we have the scholar say it? I don't know. It's pretty irritating. Who said that? Who said that? That was quite soothing. Well, actually, I just found it.

[12:56]

Was that soothing? So in 1247, when Dogen was about 47 or 48, five years before he died, he was living in Eheiji, which is It's on the east side of Japan. It's what's called snow country. Not too far from the coast, but up in the mountains enough to be in the mountains. And he went to Kamakura. And it's not clear exactly why he went.

[13:58]

Kamakura is the capital of Japan. It's on the west side, the Japanese seaside, and Kamakura is over on the east. So he went there, and he went there for about six months. And when he got back, the morning he got back, he gave a talk. And the flower says, in the sermon he gave, he seeks to allay monks who may have been wondering if he had presented some new secret doctrine while he was away for seven months. He tells the monks that they will be surprised to hear that he taught the law of karma.

[15:07]

to the students at Kamakura. He admonished his Kamakura disciples, many of whom were samurai, quote, those who do good for others and renounce evil actions will reap the rewards of cause and effect. So cast aside the tiles and pick up the jewels. And this is the one matter I, Adipa, clarify, explain, believe, and practice. Followers, you must learn this truth." Here, Dogen seems to be explaining that he had experienced empowerment. perhaps a fundamental change of heart, realizing the law of cause and effect, which he has clarified and explained, believed, and practiced.

[16:26]

After a pause, however, Dogi says to the monks at Eheiji, you may lack to hear me speaking of cause and effect so casually. And it goes on to make it clear that the injunction about causality was a provisional teaching. And then here's the way it's translated Papa Okamura and Taigen Danley. Taigen is mountain homecoming from Kamakura. Tang Hall Discourse, the 14th day of the second year of Hojo, 1248.

[17:43]

So he's talking to his monks. On the third day of the eighth month last year, this mountain monk departed this mountain and went to Kamakura district of Sagami prefecture to expound Dharma for patrons and lay students. On this month of this year, Last night, I came home to this temple. And this morning, I descended the seat. Some people may have some questions about this affair. After traversing many mountains and rivers, I did explain the dharma to the students, which may sound like I value worldly people more Oh, and it takes likely months.

[18:50]

Moreover, some may ask whether I presented something that I had never before expounded and that they had not heard. However, there was no doubt at all that I had never previously expounded or that you had not heard. I merely explained to them that they should practice virtue in prune, that those who produced unwholesomeness degenerate, that they should practice the cause and experience the results, and should throw away the tile and only practice virtue. Because of this, This single matter is what this old monk has been able to clarify, express, trust, and practice.

[19:55]

Does the Great Assembly want to understand this truth? After a pause, Dobin says, I cannot stand that my tongue has no means to express cause and effect. How many mistakes have I made in my life effort to cultivate the way? Today, how pitiful it is that I have become a water buffalo. This is the phrase of expounding Dharma. I utter a phrase, the returning home to the mountains. This mountain monk has been gone for more than half a year. I was like a solitary wheel placed in .

[20:59]

Today I return to the mountains, and the clouds are feeling joyful. My great love for the mountains has magnified since before. I noticed one glaring difference.

[22:58]

Let me see this too. Regarding the tiles and the jewels. Regarding the tiles and the jewels. I think I've got some tiles in my chest right now. I'm listening very carefully to it. A little quiver in the lips. uneasiness in the knees, tingling in the fingers, finger pointing to the sky. It's sort of as an accord. I was very touched by this morning, this form that appears. It's very important.

[24:01]

And the phrase that kept going over in my head, I think since yesterday, ever since the story with the raking leaves, and also by Siobhan about her spiritual pain, Reflecting on my 26 years almost of marriage, and all that I've done, like Dogen mentions, all of the things that's happened in his life, that sort of just culminated. And the phrase was, Wanting to be free of wanting.

[25:04]

Wanting to be free of wanting. Yeah. And part of a big thing in my relationships, in my life, has come from wanting to be free. In your relationships with people, you've been wanting to be free? Shaking knees. Free of shaking knees. Tingling fingers. Tingling fingers. And wanting to be free of all that brings the suffering. But recognizing wanting to be free of that, wanting to be wanting to be free of the wanting, part of that, as can be pointed out, it could actually invoke a little more wanting to reach out for unskillful, not unskillful, but harmful, or reach out in harmful ways.

[26:17]

But the wanting to be, wanting to, wanting to be created, no, Isn't it? No. Anyways, you know that phrase. Yeah, that's okay. So now there's kind of like a little flush. But so this spiritual one thing. It can be also a bondage, but I'm sort of seeing that it's really quite, and this may have been when you asked all these people if they'd heard this before and they all said yes. It's like we've heard it a thousand times maybe. But somehow it makes a difference this one moment. And so recognizing this when wanting to be free is happening, is the free... And, you know, Gary... It's right there.

[27:26]

It's right there, yeah. It's the jewels. But the tiles, we don't throw the tiles away. So wanting to be free, right when you want to be free, you're free. If you think of someplace else, you seek him. Yeah. And the tiles are like part of the picture that's there. Yeah, they're part of the picture. It's like I think I said to somebody actually during Sesshin. I said, what was it? Ah, talking during Sesshin, I understand. Like filling a silver bowl with ice and hiding the heron in the moonlight. Mind and object merged. I just wanted to share that and to attest. I actually had big moments of doubt even coming up here.

[28:27]

There was a voice in me that was saying, you don't need to go up there. It's like, why go up there? So I heard that too. Thanks for coming forward and expressing yourself. Do you... Is it Pope? Is the expression Pope? Yeah, I think so. And I was about to maybe make it fuller. If you have any questions or, you know... I have no further questions. body, this body.

[29:28]

I've been thinking about it for a long time, about falling into the fox body. What is that? And liberate the body or save the body. And I'm feeling really trapped in this human body right now. You're feeling trapped in the body? Yes, this particular body. I'm feeling stuck. There's no escape from this body. This practicing body, it is practicing. And how about the dropping off of body and mind? Yeah, I've been wondering about that. Are you ready for that? Yeah. Okay. What is dropping off of body and mind? What is dropping off body and mind? Good question.

[30:47]

I'll tell you. I'm not going to hit you. I don't think so. You don't think what? That you'll hit me. I just don't feel that. You know what I'm going to tell you about it? Yes. What? No grasping. Equanimity. How do you go? Stand in the room for a second. Thank you. I'd like to address everybody, but I'd like to look at you and ask your help to stay present.

[32:14]

I'd like to assist you in being present. Thanks. Can you be present? I'm fully present. I wanted to share with everybody that the conversation that we had together about my brother a couple days ago, about my brother, my brother's meanness to animals, that it was about my being distracted by violence. Being distracted from my attention. And it was quite helpful that people allowed me to share my distraction. Are you present?

[33:22]

Thank you. And your intention now? My intention is to be more honest about my pain. So thank you for sharing my pain. And I hope that my brother will forgive me for saying that my pain is his fault. I didn't hear you suggest that your pain was his fault. So, I've heard you say you had pain with the way he behaved. Sometimes you feel painful in relationship to that.

[34:24]

Now that you're blaming me for it. Yeah, I feel painful in relationship. That's what I want to be clear about. Yeah, I think that is clear to me. You're wondering how to cope with being in a painful situation. You've given those suggestions, but how to work with that relationship. Yeah, I feel like I have, I feel like they were good resources. No. But the main thing is to be honest about the pain and be present and be aware of your intentions. I agree. And also, of course, don't forget chopping out bloody mind. Okay. Like a babe in the world in five aspects complete.

[35:45]

What does it mean? What does the five aspects mean? Five senses. Yesterday, when you were speaking, when you brought Yan Tao and Xue Fang to us, something clicked.

[37:12]

And, well, I'd like to check it out. I've been keeping company with these guys and some of their friends for a long time, but I could not understand what letting it flow from your heart could mean. And yesterday I saw the traceless tracks of the winged birds and march and wails and drought. Wheelwright who can't teach his son or his daughter.

[38:15]

Following your clarifying and clarifying and clarifying. There's nothing in any book that can show you what that is. What is your utmost concern? What is your utmost concern now? Now that she clicked. To stay clearly aware. Mm-hmm. To walk more lightly. To pray since it's been a long day. We all pray that this be realized.

[39:24]

Maybe so. Any dusting? listening to this time with me. So a few days ago, when you and Earthland swapped places for I thought that was quite an event in terms of the karma of that event.

[40:27]

There's a lot of stuff going on and continue to go through that meal. I've been wondering how that experience was for Earthland. and anybody else who wanted to share. And so I'd like to invite Earthlin, if you're willing and interested in expressing yourself. Maybe I can bring the mic over there, if that's helpful. And if not, that's fine. I'm not sure.

[41:30]

Do you have some time to consider it? I have a question. Would it be helpful if that's on? That's the question. Well, I think I would say the first thing is, do you want to? And then if you want to, then let's ask them what If some of them say yes and you don't want to, I think you just take your time. And if you want to, then we can ask them if they'd like to hear. They probably would say yes if you wanted to. So you can come over later. I'll check with you again. That's all for now. That's all for now? Do you want to say something? Yeah, I'll say it. Maybe I'll say it after you leave. Okay. I wanted to say how it goes for me. But I wanted to... You want to hear that?

[42:33]

Anybody not want to hear it? Well, for me, it was not so much that Earthling was sitting over there, it was part of it. Just for me, being over there in the corner, it was very sweet for me. At the city center, you know, in the city center kitchen, there's a dishwashing area, and there's a sink mist in the dishwashing area. where you can wash vegetables. And a few times in the last 20 years or so, I wash vegetables, and people sometimes come up to me and say, .

[43:46]

Sitting over there in the corner is the first time I ever sat in a zendo other than in a teacher's seat. I never sat in a zendo in a non-teacher's seat. And it was just very nice to be over there just sitting, having lunch in this beautiful restaurant. It was just very, you know, it's actually, in case you didn't notice, it's a beautiful breakfast. And it's so lovely to just have a seat here. next to somebody like Tim or whatever, you know, some person there, casting you from last year. I just created what was a wonderful lunch. And I knew how to do the... I don't know where it came from, but I knew how to do it. They didn't pass you up, huh?

[44:50]

They did not. They passed us up. Can I sit down there? I was five or four. I came up to you with kettles and you were reading a sutra. I bought it with a minion. It was rice, right? Delicious. You know, that's sincere. Roger? Can I take a shortcut? Can you take a shortcut? Yeah. A couple of days ago, I was feeling very overwhelmed.

[46:05]

And I felt a lot of suffering. And I felt that it was not my suffering. I felt that I had taken on a lot of other suffering. that in opening my heart I had taken on a lot of other suffering. And in a practice discussion with Leslie today, she reminded me to get back in the boat. And so I did. I guess what I found was that I seemed to suffer over sins of omission or acts of omission or acts that I think are and that's what I wanted to bring forth that when I see something suffering of a physical sort or a

[47:19]

there is part of me that feels that I need to do something for that. And when I don't, I don't always do something for that. Sometimes it's because I put it in my peripheral vision and I don't notice it. Sometimes it's because I think that the person wouldn't want my help. And maybe I even asked the person, and they didn't want my help. Yeah. Yeah. I think when you're talking, I notice that you're missing a lot of the actions that you actually involved in, you know, noticing. And there will be suffered. but you were actually expressing some actions and saying that you weren't taking action while you were telling me of an action.

[48:32]

And if you would notice that those are actions, I think you would feel present and enjoy that you're watching the practice happen in the forms that you just told me about, where you're not noticing that you are being active, So in watching a response... There's an action. And if the action is to turn away, that's an action. In other words, you're not missing your life. You actually have a life. Even when you're trying to avoid it. that you're actually a living woman who's trying to avoid some action. That's an action, and you're actually doing it. That actually is happening.

[49:36]

You're not actually missing out. You're noticing that you're not missing out, so you feel like you're missing out. And that's a consequence of not noticing that you are constantly active. And of course, to try to avoid something is a different action than facing it. So when you want to do something about it, you have already done something about it. Wanting to do something about it is an action. That pattern of relationship is already there. Enjoy it. So I shouldn't feel powerless sometimes. It's not. didn't feel powerless. Because you will feel powerless if you don't notice the power. But there's power coursing through you constantly. The universe is coursing through you. The universe is powerfully creating you and making you an active creature.

[50:39]

There is power. If you don't notice it, you feel powerless. Or if you try to do something other than be who you are, you feel powerless. Because you are powerless to be otherwise. But you're not powerless to be yourself. And you're not empowered, you don't empower yourself, you get to be powerfully yourself. Always. And all those examples you gave, you gave several examples, but it sounded like not very many of them did you notice that there was power in an example, and that was your action. And if you... a rift. That makes sense, and that's part of the power too. Part of the power is, if you don't appreciate it, it punishes you by saying, don't miss it. It doesn't let you get by with that happily. Not bliss.

[51:41]

Paying attention to your action, whatever it is, is the path to joy and the path to power, actually. It's the way of power. It's the way of appreciating your actions. And as you appreciate it, it will evolve. a way towards not turning away from things. But when you do turn away from things, you're already powerful, but in a way maybe not so skillful as facing them. But you're always powerful. You know, when Sri Ganesha was dying, at the time of the memorial, some people asked me, when he was dying, did he feel powerless? And I said, no. I felt powerful when he was dying. But I wasn't trying to keep him from dying. I didn't get into that. I was powerfully a young man who had the chance to serve an old, wonderful teacher.

[52:50]

This great opportunity, I could do this for them and do that for him. I was so powerful, I was so a person in good health to serve him. But if I think about trying to stop him from being sick or being pained, that is powerless. But I didn't think about it. The universe made me into somebody who got to be with this person who was suffering and assist him in any way he wanted to. I was made into... You're always a powerful being. Don't miss it. Please. Always. May I take the opportunity to just express my gratitude for the amount of effort you put into the practice period, the time you spent with us, the engagement with us.

[53:54]

It's been a wonderful experience. Thank you. You're okay, don't worry about it. I'm really okay. Let's be thorough about that. This isn't utter. To be thorough, yesterday when I brought up the story of the Dharma Brothers on Fulvermage, I misspoke their names. Everybody very kindly went along and understood, but later I felt kind of bad about it.

[55:07]

And because they're beautiful. They're beautiful. Ying Shui Shang. No, it's not. Snowy Pete. It's Snowy Pete. That's Snowy Martin. Oh, so what is it? Shui Feng. Feng is creek. Feng is creek. Feng is shang. I could have sworn I heard you say it. It is Shui Feng. Where have we gone here? Mountain creek. Is there another ancestor name? Shui Shang? Probably, but I don't know. Mountains are common in China. I have my snow on top. Yeah. It's a great country. You've been there, right? Yeah, lots of mountains.

[56:08]

It's very fun. It's very fun. Yeah. So I'm glad I came up and clarified that. Yeah. Because I'm thinking, did I get that in the analog? Such a great person. It's great fun. Also, the two things you read this morning, the last one was soothing, but Also, I've seen that Dogen, because he couldn't, he seemed that he felt that he couldn't fully express the teaching. That's what it seemed like in the second one, right? Yeah. And I think the scholar who made this other comment, I think that part where Dogen says, I can't stand that I don't have a tongue that can... In fact, the other person translated it as, I think, you may find it laughable that I speak of cause and effect quite different. Or that I speak of cause and effect casually.

[57:10]

Two very different translations. Did you get that? Very interesting perspective. Most of the translators are good, but the best thing about Dogen is he has so much energy in his language that it can just go all over the place when we translate it. And yet I thought that was very poignant in two different ways. One is I can't stand that I don't have a tongue that can speak cause and effect. And the other one is you laugh when my tongue talks casually about cause and effect. See how they're kind of related? One's kind of like, I'm trying to, but it's kind of silly that I'm trying to. And he may laugh at me. The other is, I can't stand that I can't. I want to think about you. But it seemed that he did. It seemed that he did. And that's part of, I think, the thing about when the dharma fills your body and mind, you realize something's missing. And you really want to speak it.

[58:12]

It's like, oh, let me try again. It never seems to come out right. And then maybe sort of right, but then, oh, let me try again. Again, I want that. I get a little off. Things changed. I had a new version. Another try. Great Dogen was like that. What can I do? What's the answer? An answer? What is the answer to your question? That wasn't I said, what is the answer to your question? Is there a going?

[59:14]

I think so. Yeah, that I think needs to be corrected. So I'd like to explain it and see what so you could help me with it. Okay, can you hear? No. Well, I have this idea. I think I've had it for a long time, but it's only just enough to ask it as a question. That wholehearted awareness in the midst of delusion is different from mindfulness. And the way I'm experiencing the difference or understanding the difference would be that wholehearted awareness

[60:20]

is like in the midst of delusion, is like a wide-open field, ready for whatever comes and aware of the response, ongoing and unwaveringly going, and that mindfulness is somehow kind of tied to a particular object, like focused on the hands or the feet or the breath or the task. So could you correct that for me? No, I think that's okay. You said mindfulness is to remember to enjoy the fallen. The root meaning of the word mindfulness is to remember. So remembering is necessary. I think the place where I experience the difficulty is the sense in thinking of mindfulness. Now, maybe not in actually Being mindful in the sense of thinking of it. That there's a being over here watching what's happening.

[61:25]

Yeah, so wholehearted. Directing. Mindfulness can remind you to be wholehearted, and you can be wholehearted about the mindfulness so you don't think of it that way. Because in wholeheartedness, it doesn't seem like there's a separate watcher. So just lean like that. Yeah, like that, right. Okay. So I've come up here a couple times in this practice period. And every time I've come up, I've taken a little step backwards before I start to talk.

[62:32]

I thought I'd come up here and not take a step backwards. Is that how it is? Happy with that? Good luck. Could everybody hear that? I didn't hear the laugh. Huh? I didn't hear the laugh. I asked if he was able to come up here without stepping back, and he said, yes. And then I thought, are you happy with that? And he said, pretty much. For now. That's a really good exercise. Come meet somebody and see if you can just come and meet without stepping forward or back. Don't take long. I think I might be getting cold feet.

[64:24]

I don't know. Socks? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I've been waiting until, like, the right moment to say what I've got to say. And I think that so I'm up here and I feel completely out of control for what's going to come out of this. And I want to share that more than anything with you. I have a confession I'm not trite, but I'm going to try it, so please be patient.

[65:26]

If I'm not completely wholehearted, I'm not used to making confessions in front of a large audience. I've been trying to disappear for years. I'm kind of trying to disappear all the time now. And I've been using, trying to use the Buddha's teaching to do that. So I thought that the best way to not get hurt would be to disappear. And it seemed like maybe the best way to disappear would be to be completely empty. I've been kind of like trying to make myself empty so that no one can hurt me and no one can love me.

[66:31]

But I don't think that's working. So it seems like that's not at all what's happening. And I'm feeling seen and loved and loved. And I want to continue opening to you and to your love. So if you see me hiding or thinking that I'm not being seen when I am being seen because I'm afraid of being seen and I'm afraid of seeing you, maybe you could tap me on the shoulder or like kind of be with me.

[67:39]

Thank you. I understand what you're saying, and I do as you request. And if anyone has anything to say now, or would like to come up here with me for a moment to be seen, it's just one moment, and it is one of our last together. It's so good for you to come up. I've already talked to her.

[69:16]

A couple of days ago, she was in the recycling area and hanging up the towels, and I saw this beautiful smile on her face, and I just went, oh my God, we're not supposed to touch each other. It was really nice. It was really efficient. You're always stupid. Kind of sorry to be coming up here, because that would have been nice to watch in the office.

[70:27]

It's a little kind of happy. But I guess I felt I had to come up. I must confess something that I feel like I'm losing faith in this Tarzan business. It's like when I look at Cosmos, I don't know if I'd say I have deep faith in Cosmos, but it seems more or less Okay. So far, I've been getting up really early for the last three months, and spending a lot of time sitting still.

[71:30]

I don't see much gay chemistry. The teaching that actions that have consequences seems to make sense to you? It's easy to make sense. And it's easy for you to like, remember that. Sure. If you take care of that, teach it, you will enter into, you will engage Buddha's sitting, Buddha is walking, and Buddha is standing, and it will be beneficial.

[72:57]

That practice will initiate you into the kind of sitting practice that you really want. it's quite difficult to find the mind to take care of it in a way where there's no seeking. And if we practice with seeking, it's not necessarily beneficial. But to learn to practice with no seeking is very difficult. To learn to speak and sit and walk in a way that's appropriate to no-seeking, just like avoidable. It's very difficult. So you've made a great effort in sitting, but you need to make more. You sit until you find the kind of sitting where there's no wrong view, no attaching, no pairings, which is another way of saying no-seeking and no-grasping.

[74:14]

Until then, even though you sit diligently and work really hard, which is good, it won't necessarily be beneficial. But when you sit in this other way, which is the way a Buddha sits, and when you walk in that way, you will certainly realize a great benefit. I mean, that practice would be greatly beneficial. And many people practice sitting But don't find this way that's beneficial. So this is wonderful that you express this, and I pray that you find this real. But I also tell you, it's very difficult to find it, especially a new system. So I think it's very helpful that you said this. I'm willing to look at their own practices and see if there's benefit or not.

[75:19]

And if not, is there any seeking? Is there any attachment to gain? Probably there's something to find there. So then we practice defectionary repentance. I want to thank you very much. As you and probably many other people in this room know, I have experienced a great deal of resistance. But as this practice period has progressed, particularly in the last couple of weeks, I have come to appreciate it more and more. Well, so I really appreciate you signing off. I really do. All right, thank you.

[76:21]

And congratulations on your first practice . Oh, there she is. It knocked me off my feet. I had a little fall afterwards. I wanted to share just a little bit about the experience. Would you like to try around? Yeah. Would that be more comfortable? Yeah. First, I sat down and I said, aren't you glad I'm not real? Yeah. And it almost felt like I was sitting here, right in front of the altar. I suppose they're there. During the meal when you were sitting there. During the meal. You were picking up. I was feeling like I was sitting there. a lot.

[77:40]

I was hesitating because so many things came up during and after and some people did come to me and who asked me had they forgotten me and I wanted people to know that I presented that situation to have a concrete example of how disregard can feel, not that I felt disregarded necessarily by those individuals. And I don't remember everybody, so people came up and said, I don't know. Unless it was very recent, you know, that's the only way I know. And then I overheard Even as we're talking today, I think it was Daniel said we got . And I do see James and Daniel getting this too. And I worry about them as well.

[78:50]

And sometimes I get upset when they don't get a seat, the upper-tonic seats. You never get to usually bow with anybody, but that was awkward because I usually did it by myself. But that was very nice to have a bow. It's like every now and then I'll have that, but not all the time. So that was kind of strange at first. What's going on? You know, me. So that was kind of interesting. So I have to get adjusted to that. About feeling disabled and not being able to serve others in Asada. And at first I had a lot of shame.

[80:05]

And over the practice period, I've come to accept that this is where I am. And I was going to ask David if I could do I'm trying to think around serving something, but I can't name some. I'd love to serve, and I have served a lot since then. I want to go around the center and serve everybody now. And it's nice just to thank people for serving me the whole practice period.

[81:06]

Thank you. Yeah, thank you, everybody. You're a great servant. You know, I was feeling grateful while I was sitting there. And... This is a ceremonial seat. It did feel like that. And I thought about my parents. Wondering what is she doing? I want a dog to get me a situation like that. Today is my mother's birthday. She was born in 1910. My father was born in 1892. I said, don't you want to see what I was born from? This would be quite a, this is quite a miracle.

[82:11]

Second generation descendant of slaves. and suffer then. That's how it felt. And I've been very, I call them ancestors. I call them ancestors. both Buddhist and Catholic as well as sisters in my language and brought me here. So I just want to come. Thank you. Thank you. The last few days I've been running out of the Zendo a lot.

[83:30]

Trying to do it really quietly. I know my sitting partner probably wondered why all of a sudden, wait, I thought she was there. Yeah, he's gone. And I've been leaving because I've been crying a lot. And I just, I can kind of sit and cry facing the wall, but the feeling of being so exposed to the group For reals, I just couldn't do that, because it's been a real sobbing crime. It hasn't just been a little tear, you know, that gently tripped me. Went in my room, just going, ah, [...] kind of crime. So I didn't want to do that there. And I've been going through a time that has been excruciatingly difficult and yet magnificently important, and now feels really great. That felt true. You know, the rain, and now it's not raining. Yeah, I feel like somebody has released a lot of rain. So I just wanted to use this place to thank the people who've supported me, not even knowing really what was going on, because I haven't told anybody the details, but private for me.

[84:41]

But the respect that I have experienced, and I thought, I'm going to cry, and I've been afraid to cry, so I thought, just go for it. the Doanrio and David and Sidney O. and Leslie would come and have a practice discussion. I think I said, maybe you did, and I said, I felt like the Doanrio has been like Alakiteshvara holding me. You know, there was one moment, Sarah, when I was in my room, in the dark, in my chrysalis, And I don't know what you said. You just came to the door and you just got it. I didn't have to tell you what was going on. I didn't even have to say, no, I'm too, like, I can't eat. I can't even think about food. You just, you just sort of, okay, I don't know what happened, but you know, I got to stay where I needed to be. So, um, Yeah, it's a big thing.

[85:46]

I'm one of those people that has, while I love the garment and I really love the Zen, I also feel like this isn't quite for me. I'm too loud, I'm too wild, I'm too, you know, whatever. This is not that. So this has been very integrating, actually, to kind of go through this feeling of, Oh, you know, priest boys supposed to sit every period. You know, take good role model. Well, sorry, you know, this priest just had to went out of his endo and saw that her room went off a lot over the last few days. I even, uh, it's very hard. I even declined Kosha's precious invitation to be. Because I can't even cry and do sermons, you know?

[86:46]

So I said, no. No, thank you. That actually makes me sad. Because I'm feeling today like this is a place that I've experienced that with everybody coming up there. And I guess that's why I thought I would come up. So thank you for creating an environment which makes it feel like this is a place to be fully who you are. I think you, and I think our Shiso, I think you've really, in your quiet way, you've really set that tone here. And I really want to encourage you to, you show those poor Shisos. You show again. You know? They're going to try to get you in front of them. It's just like they told us last night at the end of Zaza. Don't tell him to do that until you show yours.

[87:51]

Okay. That's what I'm trying to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The rest of the part is for you when you're crying. Stay in the room and cry during the meal. Show us your tears. We can handle it. Just cry all over the place with us. You don't have to go in the other room. We want you to be able to show yourself to us. And if you need any service tonight, if you cry while you're doing any service, just keep, you know, moving around and doing the things you need to do. And if you think, oh, I'm not going to push you up to the... If you can say, if you do not stop the practice, you don't have to go take it someplace else. And if you do that, then maybe he can show himself, be shown how. Okay?

[88:53]

Okay. Yay! When you come to the meals for the rest of the time, if you want to cry, go right ahead. No talking for us. You don't have any talk like that at all. You're the only person you talk to. And that's a big part of us. We come to send all we need. It's okay. We'll come anyway. I know what you're doing. If you're sick, okay, go rest. But if you're just ugly, come and sit here. Get a big. You can handle this stuff. You stay with us the rest of the time, okay? Okay. I will help you so. I want to help the she-so.

[89:56]

Yeah, that would help him a lot. He'd say, well, right, she, she, she, I can get this. Okay. Yeah. Right. And it came in a minute, but she told someone, if she comes out, you can say, okay. Okay. Okay. I feel like I'm ready for a bib myself. I had a response for John, but I wanted to share something about John before that I never told you. Okay. Do you want to speak out or towards me? For this part, towards you, and then I'll speak to John.

[90:58]

Yes. I called you and asked you if you would ordain me, and you said you would. Yes. And then a few days later, I made an announcement at WorkCircle. Yes. And when I made that announcement, Joan flew into the air with her hands out like that. She sounded, yes, so loud. To me, that's what I wanted to say about Joan. To Joan, I wanted to say, what is this body and mind dropped off? Dropped off. Whole body leaping, leaping. Still moving, always leaping, leaping. Half body leaping. Morning.

[92:21]

After breakfast, I really wanted to walk. My body really wanted to walk. And I got out of my room later than I thought. And I thought, well, I'm not going to have about 10 minutes or something. And I got up to the bridge. And I thought, OK, keep going. And just the next two days, we could come back for lecture. And, you know, I did some thinking about it. Okay, you know, I actually had a bit of thinking about it, and I won't go through all of it. My main concern was that it wouldn't be, I didn't have any concern about the schedule, I thought maybe it wouldn't be supportive for other people.

[93:25]

But I thought I would do it anyway. And as I was walking, one of the things I wanted to do besides walk was feel the presence of the trees and the earth. I really wanted to commute. I don't know about commute. I wanted to be with the trees and the earth. Well, one of the immediate consequences was about 60% of the time I was walking, I wasn't with the trees and the earth because I was, you know, with the karma of not coming to that period of fathering. And that was okay with me. And then I thought that maybe I would ask that she saw Dorian, that she saw about the harm of my not coming to that period of thought then, but it might be really interesting.

[94:29]

Anyway, I enjoyed this whole thing, and I felt, you know, I had questions and curiosity, and I felt pretty at peace about it, until Sarah came and knocked on my door. And I was really surprised. Somehow, I mean, I thought that the pen had been taken, and somehow I wasn't sure that the pen was taken. And since it didn't bother me at all, I didn't really think that Bill Arne would see. I said, it shows how good your attendance has been, or you would already know that. That was one of my original thoughts. Anyway, so after he came to my room, I mean, I was really surprised when I thought, Wow, you know, I really thought this was sort of a small thing, even though I thought about so much of it.

[95:41]

And I really thought I might be doing something that really didn't have much effect on other people. Anyway, and then you said people were concerned because I've been seen heading off and were concerned maybe I was lost. I had organized a search party. First of all, I want to say I'm actually very touched by the image that came up of this rope around me. I can't just walk away even for like 40 minutes without other people being involved. And it sounds physical, and like, of course, you know, I've been like this for a long time, I ought to know it, but I feel like I found this deep in me, where I couldn't doubt me to have much effect on other people.

[96:49]

And also, I regret any pain or even on the part of the dog and if you're taking what might have been you know your personal time he'll remove fat loss to come and check on you if she had. If she went down to Zimba. Well I think it was Keeningham that you know she would have been in a bad dog. She came down to Keeningham and you robbed her of Keeningham. You had consequences. not a small one. The whole universe depends on you. Yeah, well, it sort of brought that along. And I thought, I don't need to ask the chief so about it now. You know, it's sort of like I don't want to do that one. You better ask me a shorter one. Not that one. Short questions. I don't care if you need me. Thank you.

[98:02]

Thank you. [...] That seems like a long time ago, when I was up here before, when I felt this practice was ridiculous. And pretty ridiculous. But I think what isn't ridiculous, and I guess just in response to Jane and so many others that have been up here, I just want to actually turn around.

[99:18]

And I told Mr. Rand, I really want to not like this place. I really want to just get away. But you guys just touch my heart more and more. And it pisses me off. I can't stay frustrated and mad. And I guess I just wanted to get up here and say that. Thank you. And that your presence and your being have such an effect on me. And my heart opens. And also, I feel I can't believe in things.

[100:25]

I hate this valley, but I feel so grateful to it also. And just helping The care, the support for this relationship that I've had that you guys probably aren't even aware of it, but she really helped me and supported me in forming a new relationship with somebody that I was with for a long time. You're telling the people here that they're supporting you to have a new relationship with somebody whom you have an older relationship with. Right. Yeah. And I keep that up, sir. I keep that up. It's so giant. No, that's not my thing. I do get kind of blushed here when I get slightly too intellectual.

[101:54]

I've been, you know, well, like, what is it, I told you at the beginning, you know, Jogiman, 10 million things in the Buddha Dharma that I have not yet clarified. And it's not, and when he says that, it's not so clear whether he is not clear or whether he has to be clarified with his friends. But both are probably true for me. things. I have not yet clarified it. And I've been studying Dogen's, the old Dogen, the Dogen who is approaching death this fall. And although I'm not when he was when he died, I do sort of look at, you know, my last years and what my contribution to this world will be. And I feel more and more resonance with him and trying to, like, get the teaching clear.

[103:19]

Try again. One more time. You may have heard this before, but I think I have another way to say it. And I think, yeah, I've really enjoyed struggling with you to clarify that. And I think yesterday or the day before, I, are you coming up here on this? Are you going to the toilet? Huh? Are you coming up? Please come up here. Because I was, because what occurred to me involved you. And maybe you could say what you want to say first. OK. But go ahead, since you're talking now. Well, this was an original comment about the ridiculous part of the practice.

[104:21]

back then. And I started thinking about my life, all the important events and relationships and phases, everything about my life. I could see that was very interesting. Everything was I could see that everything was 50% 50% miraculous Very interesting every important thing in my life And so at the beginning of the practice I could I could say that I was saying that this practice has been 50% ridiculous 50% But right now the miraculous quotient has gone up. Very high up. So I'm very happy about that. And I want to thank you about that. I want to thank everyone about that.

[105:22]

And the second part? Of course, yeah. So... I was thinking of you because when I was reading Jobian, you know, suddenly what came to my mind was this person you call Odysseus. Odysseus. Odysseus. All his things. It just came to my mind, you know. In particular, you know, I read the feeling in Odyssey when I was in high school, but I wasn't interested. I couldn't really, really go there until I was sitting in an average cabin in this valley. When I was 40 years old, a woman came to me and woke me up. I finally became, you know, touched by our tradition.

[106:37]

And then I read the Odyssey. I had this wonderful trip reading on the King's Valley. But when I was reading Dolman, I remembered the end of the Odyssey. And so I thought, do you admit me? Did you? I don't remember. At the end of the Odyssey, at the time of miracles, Odysseus is coming home after being away for 20 years. And his faithful wife is still in his house. His house is full of suitors who will kill him when he comes. And he goes. Into the house. Now he's an old man and he had a couple of old people working to help him.

[107:39]

And his son. In the house full of his young, virile, powerful warriors. Who won't leave his house or his wife alone. And will kill him if he tries to reassert his... His home. the premier of the European, such friend it is, named Paula Supina. And she's kind of a good shot. And it's a magnificent, luminous, luminous slaughter, actually. The most beautiful slaughter in all of Western culture, probably. And so that's that. And then he goes and finds his father. His father doesn't believe it's him.

[108:43]

So he says, prove you're my son. He proves it. When he proves it, his father's knees go limp, and he faints in his son's arms. He's united with his father. But then the people in the village of these men who had been slaughtered, they come to get Odysseus and kill him. A lot of them. And Odysseus with his band, his son, and a few old servants, this large group of warriors come in. And his friend comes again. Athena comes again. you know, just the seizure. And when you see her, you become miraculous too, being in her neighborhood. So they quickly turn the crowd to running away.

[109:47]

And as they're running away, I can't remember the language quite, but Again, Odysseus, it arises in him to go after him. He just can't stop himself. And then a thunderbolt hits the ground right in front of his friend, Athena. And she says to Odysseus, stop. Stop. And so he stops. And they make these. But the thing that got me is after all this, after going through the Iliad and Odyssey, and after finally reclaiming his home and getting back together with his son and his wife and his father, and defeating everything, he still can't stop his day.

[110:58]

He still has to go. But at the end, he's still, in a sense, a deseress. Unfortunately, another miracle happens, and it gets stopped. But there's this thing about us, you know? We're getting lost. Yeah, we're just going to keep going and going until we settle this right now. It's kind of silly, but it's just the way we are. Thank you. Another miracle. My wife says, Too much is not enough.

[112:02]

That's the way it is. And one more thing she says, whenever anything good happens in our neighborhood, she says, the new... One of the few times she talks to me kind of with some rudeness. And she says, is that because of Zazen? And I say, yes. And then she says, the ceremony of Zazen, right? The ceremony? The ceremony of Zazen. It's not just because of Zazen. It's because of the ceremony of Sosa. It's because of sitting cross-legged in the center with the other people.

[113:04]

It's that, too. Is that enough for this lifetime? No.

[113:14]

@Transcribed_v005
@Text_v005
@Score_78.88