Today we can discuss the vow to confess and repent one's unskillful deeds and hindrances, to confess one's unwholesome action and resistances. And again, this vow, practicing this vow, is recommended for those who wish for the realization of the incalculable virtues of Buddhas. If you wish to work for the realization of Buddha in the world, then these vows are recommended You know, that's really not my vow.

[01:04]

I mean, that's not really my wish. I'm not here to realize Buddha. I have a lesser aspiration in practice. I just would like to be a better person, or I would just be kinder to people. And, of course, those are excellent, wonderful aspirations. But these aspirations are for... completely include... is to help everybody be kind and have everybody have greater virtue so they're more extensive. It's not just about me becoming a better person, although I may start with that, or me becoming like a person I revere, but working for the whole world to realize that.

[02:17]

I appreciate your tolerance of me bringing up these vows, even if you don't yourself feel sure that you wish to learn them and practice them. Srimantabhadra says again, O noble-minded person, how does one confess and repent one's evil deeds? to repent one's evil deeds and transgressions. Think. From beginningless, infinite eons and culpas, I have committed through greed, hate, and delusion, boundless, unskillful deeds, non-verbal actions with body, speech, and mind.

[03:24]

If such deeds were in corporeal form, the cosmic space would not be able to contain them. With deepest sincerity and pure action of body, speech, and mind, I now confess and repent them all before Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. and I pledge myself to not commit them again. I will observe all the pure, meritorious precepts of the bodhisattvas. I will continue to practice this repentance until the realm of space is ended, the realm of beings is ended, and the karma and passions of beings are ended. Since all these things from the realm of space to the passions of beings are endless, this repentance of mine will also be endless.

[04:41]

Throughout succeeding thought after thought, without interruption, in body, vocal, and mental action, without weariness, As I mentioned earlier, during this many people have come to me and made various types of confessions of resistance, of limitations that they experience, of hindrances, and also just of various feelings, various opinions that they have. For example, one I think important one is

[05:46]

Someone told me that they thought or felt that they didn't fit in here or didn't belong here in this And I said, that feeling, that opinion you have, is a being. Are you who thinks that she doesn't belong? Also, he said that he thought maybe he was the only one who didn't get it. There's quite a few people who think they're the only one who doesn't get it. So I don't think you're the only one who doesn't get it.

[06:53]

I don't think you're the only one who thinks they don't get it. You might be the only one who doesn't get it, but you're the only one who doesn't think they get it. But even when we think we don't get it or when we think we don't belong in the Sesshin or in the Bodhisattva Club, when we think we don't belong, that's a being. And if you think you do belong, that's a being. Some beings think they belong in various ways. and some beings think they do not belong in various situations. The bodhisattva vow is to open to all those types of beings. It's not the thought, I belong or I don't belong.

[07:56]

It's not the thought, I get it. It's not the thought even, yeah, I'll never get it or I will get it. Those are just karmic activity. Bodhisattva vowed to open to these karmas. If they seem to be the karma of this consciousness, then I confess them. If they're unskillful, I confess them. And then I see how I feel about them. And if I feel sorrowful about karmas that I'm open to, then that sorrow repents this process, reforms it. So in confession you continue the practice of all these things.

[09:01]

In particular, you open to your own being, your own karma and consequences and you be gentle with it. Or you vow to learn to be gentle with your own deeds. You may not be able to be gentle yet and that's another thing to avow. I'm not gentle with my thoughts, with my But we're trying to learn to be gentle and open and upright with our karma. So at this time when people are confessing but are having trouble being upright with their confession, open to what they're confessing, they're confessing but they're not really opening to it.

[10:04]

They even confess that they're not open to what they confessed. then I often think, well, what if somebody else told you such a thing? Could you be open to them? And they often say, yeah, I could. What if a child told you this? Could you open to the child confessing this or demonstrating this? And they often say, yeah. So that same openness now apply to your own confession, your own deeds. Could you be gentle? Yeah. Could you be patient with the child? Mm-hmm. I could. Could you feel sorrow that the child was caught in these hindrances, resistances? Yeah. And now apply that to your own being.

[11:12]

And then the other point here that I wanted to say, which people often also have questions about, it says here, before Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, in the presence of Buddhists and bodhisattvas. So this connects to the previous and the succeeding vows that as we're practicing the previous vows, we are thinking, meeting, all the Buddhas. We're thinking about meeting all the Buddhas moment by moment without interruption. We're thinking about, think about meeting Buddhas thought flash by thought flash.

[12:29]

So you're already in, before you get to the confession and repentance, if you've done the previous vows, you're already trying to convince yourself in living in the thinking, in the imagining of meeting the Buddhas moment by moment. So now when you confess, you're continuing to confess meeting the Buddhas. And then again, in meeting the Buddhas, can you be gentle? And I would think, yeah, I think when I feel like I'm meeting the Buddhas, it helps me be gentle. I don't, you know, yeah. And upright. Meeting the Buddha, one might be upright. You might want to lean into the Buddha a little bit, but maybe not. You might want to shrink back from the Buddha. But the Buddha is demonstrating being upright with you. The Buddha is not really leaning into you or avoiding you.

[13:37]

So you maybe be that way with the Buddha. And that way we practice these vows with the Buddhas, before the Buddhas, together with the Buddhas, and now confession and repentance, not all by myself, not even with one person, but with all the Buddhas and all the bodhisattvas. In addition, this saval says, after confessing and pledging to not do more unskillful deeds, than to also pledge to practice the bodhisattva precepts. And the mind does notice maybe that there's a potential, I don't know, dynamic there or conflict between

[14:52]

pledging to practice the precepts of virtue, compassion, and pledging to do a practice of confessing that you're not practicing them. So, kind of like, I'm pledging to do something I probably won't be able to do. Well, kind of. Promising committing, making a commitment to practice the precepts and making a commitment to confess when you don't practice the precepts. So those two together kind of, there's some little bit of how to harmonize them. But then again, those are two beings. One being is the pledge to practice confession, the vow to practice confession, The wish to practice confession and the commitment to practice confession.

[15:57]

The wish to practice the precepts and the commitment to practice the precepts. So for people who don't live in a practice center, I often recommend that they think about how much meditation do you want to practice in your own home. And then how much is practical and how much you want to commit to. So this person might want to do lots of zazen but not want to commit to lots of zazen. So now we have you may want to practice the precepts and commit to practice the precepts. You may want to give up non-virtue and now you, in addition to wanting to give up non-virtue, you commit, you promised, you give your word, you say you will continue that practice, and you practice confession when you don't do what you said you'd do.

[17:04]

Do you? Will you? So tomorrow we'll ask Carolyn that question, we'll ask Carolyn over and over, will you? And we'll see what she says. This practice of confession, when I came to the San Francisco Zen Center 40 years ago, I didn't hear anything about the practice of confession. During the time Cedric Eros was alive, just during the last year of his life, he mentioned a little bit about confession and repentance.

[18:09]

And then after he died, he still didn't hear much about it. But then, as I mentioned in Being Upright, one time I talked to Giriroshi and he said, I'm really impressed, I'm really touched by how important confession and repentance was for Dogen Zenji. And the way he said it, he hadn't really felt that before. He hadn't really, that hadn't struck him before. Even though he practiced in Japan where they on a daily basis say, you know, all my ancient twisted karma from beginningless, even though he chanted it, he didn't realize that how important confession and repentance was to Dogen Zenji. But in the last few years of his life, it really struck him. And when he said that, it struck me.

[19:12]

And around that time, I asked him what was his view of the precepts and confession and repentance. And he told me about this this text in Japanese. So when I had a chance, I got Tanahashi Sensei to help me, or for me to help him translate it into English. And then from that translation, we have this book now about the precepts and about confession and repentance. So here it is right in the middle of the great vows of Samantabhadra. It is a part of Zen, but when Zen was transmitted to the West, this practice was kind of like not strongly emphasized. Matter of fact, I didn't even notice it ever had any

[20:18]

We didn't confess and repent. We didn't say so as a group. And some of us just didn't think it was a practice that we would do. I don't know if Suzuki Roshi brought it up in the early time he was in the West and the hippies said, you know, we don't like to hear this, Suzuki Roshi. I don't know if people gave him negative feedback on this and he sort of said, well maybe I'll let the next generation bring this up. But anyway, just at the end there before he brought it up. But now it's part of our daily practice and this is, it's also part of the daily practice in Japan and China too, to confess and repent and then and then take refuge in Buddha, Sangha.

[21:21]

So we, members of the Western culture, we have a lot of ...associations and problems with confession and repentance. So it's a delicate and potentially dangerous practice for us. But it's a wonderful practice. I think it's a wonderful practice. And a lot of people in this community are practicing it really wholeheartedly, or almost wholeheartedly, more and more wholeheartedly. And practicing confession and repentance wholeheartedly, body and mind drops away.

[22:31]

And when you sit wholeheartedly, when you're really wholehearted about it, you confess and repent. You're non-virtue. I've seen that in many people, that when they're wholeheartedly sitting, their non-virtue oozes out, is confessed, and it's a natural part of wholehearted sitting. I think around 1971 we started what we called the repentance ceremony, fusatsu ceremony. We did it in Japanese at first, so we didn't know what we were saying, and then gradually translated and found out we were doing a confession and repentance ceremony.

[23:38]

And in that ceremony we chant this verse, all my ancient twisted karma. But we don't necessarily think of any ancient twisted karma when we're saying that. But I noticed that when I was bowing during the time of physically and vocally and mentally taking refuge in the Buddhas, which is part of the ceremony, then in the bowing, in the homage bowing, confession of non-virtue would arise in me. I would see unskillful things that I had done either recently or even a long time ago. They would be flushed out. into my conscious awareness by the process of the ceremony. So again, I'm proposing to you that this vow here is another dimension of wholeheartedness, and wholeheartedness expresses this vow.

[24:56]

And in this wholeheartedness, body and mind drop away. And as I was walking down the hill here to this hall, when I took a step, I was thinking about how this step of my foot on the earth was paying homage to all Buddhas, how this step was an offering to all Buddhas, how this step was praising all Buddhas, how this step is confessing my non-virtue, repenting my non-virtue. And then also now, when sitting, does your sitting, first three, four vows, is your sitting

[26:04]

lining up with all Buddhas, revering all Buddhas, worshiping all Buddhas? Is your sitting that way? Is your sitting an offering to all Buddhas? Is your sitting a confession and repentance of all your unskillful action? Does it include all that? If not, would you like it to? Would you like to open it up to let those practices live in your sitting so that your sitting is really wholehearted? I mean, more and more fully wholehearted so that your sitting becomes dropping off body and mind? And maybe you say, nope. I got some resistance. I want to hold on a little bit here to this body and mind. Okay?

[27:07]

Thank you. Before I go on to the next of the ten practices and vows of Samantabhadra, I also want to mention that many people have expressed how inspired and touched have been by those of you who have come up and expressed yourself. So this is a silent retreat, more or less, So people have not been coming up to you and thanking you for your contribution, but they've been telling me that they really appreciate your offering yourself in expression in this group. And I also thank you. So, did you have any feedback for me?

[28:15]

Or any feedback for anybody? You've been here for a while, I think. Do you have a question, you can come up here. Yes? You can also come up here and ask questions. You can also come up here and give answers.

[29:26]

I would like to start with a confession. And that is that always, actually when I come here and probably some are already bored of hearing that, it is what I want to experience or play and I think I want to get over also over my fear expressing myself in front of people. Could you hear him in the back? What did you say? Yeah, you can shut the door. Would that help you hear? Would it help you close the door? What?

[30:44]

You don't think so, okay. Why don't you come closer, Emanuel? Okay, good. Emanuel's fine, go ahead. He wants to get over being afraid of expressing himself in a group. This is one of the standard fears, the big five fears. One of them is fear of speaking in front of a large group. So many people have this fear and you want to get over it? Yeah. Actually, I thought maybe I should just give up in this life coming over this fear. Or instead of getting over it, how about opening to it? Yeah. And living with it and being friends with it. But I tried that for a very long time. Didn't work?

[31:48]

What do you mean, didn't work? Okay. I got that. You got it? Yeah. Good. Can I ask also a question? Yesterday, actually, when Ninan came up, and she felt she was very busy with all these Buddhas imagining, you told her something, oh, you're trying, you shouldn't try to figure that out. And I felt like, oops, I thought that is what all this is about. And that's maybe because my mother language is not English, so I thought about figuring everything into Buddhas.

[32:51]

Like we have here all these Buddha figures around, and I thought he probably wants to put everything into figures, even with faces, and make it into concepts very specifically. Because you mentioned he wants us to think about it, so not going beyond immediately before thinking about it, but just Everything's solid into concepts and figures. Right. Right. That meaning of figure, that would be like figuring thing, figuring everything. But figuring out kind of means like figure things to get a hold of. But figuring just to use your imagination, that's more what I'm suggesting. Yeah. And then I thought this is what I get the resistance against, actually, to make everything into like nice pictures and imaginations.

[34:03]

Well, we're already making everything in, pretty much making everything into figures. So this is like an alternative. It's to imagine an alternative reality. to the one we're already in. And the alternative reality is not made up so that that's the true reality, the alternative imagined world. It's just to liberate us from our usual one. And then that's why we, once we're liberated, we also go right back into the usual one. But after dropping the usual one, Yeah, and I also thought it may, actually after I had that resistance, it helps because I have to make Buddhas out of everything. I have to, I'm advised to see the Buddhas in everything.

[35:05]

I have to look at all the things. See Buddhas in everything and also relate to the Buddhas in everything. and make offerings to the Buddhas and everything, and confess to the Buddhas and everything. But when you do that, do you really make up imaginations which you could describe, like when this is this advice? Yes, like when I'm walking down here, I could walk here, just think I'm just walking down here to get to the room, but I can simultaneously, every step, homage to Buddhism when I pay homage to Buddha's with a step the Buddha's are there and you see it you have a face in mind I don't have a face in mind you could but that's not what I mean by Buddha I some somewhere caught up is it like not it is like about making pictures of or imaginations are pictures of Buddha's right so it's sort of like

[36:13]

Is that an advice, really, to make everything into imaginations? No pictures? Yes, but the pictures are not necessarily pictures of a human face, you know, a nice golden human face. It isn't necessarily that picture, although one can do that picture. That's not the one I do. Those years... Mine is like it doesn't really have the face of a human being. It has the face of our relationship with all beings. That's the face it has for me. It doesn't have a particular mark. It's light that I'm meeting. But it's not a light that I can see. It's a light of our relationship. And those Buddhas I imagine with me all the time and with you all the time.

[37:19]

I don't say I all the time imagine that, but I imagine that they're with us all the time and we sometimes remember that. And then I practice in that, in the presence of the Buddhas. And I receive their teachings. even while I'm confessing that I'm resisting their teachings. But picturing a Buddha is okay. I just think it's interesting to make really little, like Nina said, little units of Buddhas which get very busy rather than your picture of just light. I say that feels much more... Comfortable. And sometimes in order to practice concentration, which we sometimes do, people do take a particular detailed picture to focus on as a concentration practice.

[38:31]

But what I'm suggesting for these vows is even while you're doing concentration practice, or you're looking at a picture of the Buddha, you also realize and you think, while I'm concentrating on this picture of Buddha, I'm actually in the presence of infinite Buddhas, and I'm meeting infinite Buddhas while I'm thinking of one face, of one Buddha, because I'm doing concentration practice. Just like if I was concentrating on my breath, I would do that, hopefully, in the presence of all Buddhas. I wouldn't be just me here all by myself concentrating on my breath. I have a lot of company when I'm concentrating on my breath. And if I'm concentrating on a picture of you, or the picture of a Buddha or a Bodhisattva, If I'm focusing on that image and trying to be very present and completely detailed attention to the minute details on this picture, I also realize I'm doing this in the presence of all Buddhas.

[39:34]

As I vow to do that, I promise to keep all the Buddhas while I'm taking care of one Buddha. Just like when I'm talking to one person, I try to keep in mind all persons. Like Susie Kerr, she said, you know, in the early days of Zen Center, there weren't very many people at Zen Center. Sometimes they would give a talk, you know, and one person would be there. He'd have this little lecture. One person. And then as Zen Center grew, he had sometimes a lot of people in Zen Center. He said, now Zen Center is getting big and so people have to make appointments to see me. So then people are waiting to see him towards the end of his life. He said, but people should realize that when I'm talking to somebody else, I'm doing it.

[40:39]

So he doesn't rush. He takes care of this person for all the people. Not like, I've got to get rid of this person to get the next person, because there's so many people waiting. Just give everything to this Buddha. Focus on this Buddha, this bodhisattva, this person. But remember that there's infinite Buddhas, and they're all practicing with me. And I'm practicing with all of them. This is just a picture of our being a little bit more, so we don't get constricted. And then when you see that, it doesn't make so much difference whether you're in the parking lot or in the zendo, or whether you're walking or crawling or not, or whether you're dying or being born.

[41:44]

May I ask something to that? May Jeet come up and ask something after he leaves? Is that where you go? The sound seems to be echoing a little bit more than usual. Do anybody feel that? Can you turn it down a little bit? Is that better? A little bit better? I feel, I think that's good. Yes, please sit down. May I turn around? Sure, yeah, you definitely, that's fine.

[42:59]

Here. And I know what confession does. I don't want to do this. They want you to speak up, Lenore. I don't want to do this, but I need to confess that I do not sit. Well, sometimes I do, for a while. And then last winter I came to a wonderful winter practice period, and then I went home and I did not sit until two days before I was coming to Mount Madonna when I had to go to . And then I did not sit one morning after another. And I also did not show up at my local ,, which is . And one thing or another, I need to say this in front all of you awesome people.

[44:07]

And I know that, you know, I'll pray I won't do it again, but I'm not so much sad. It's just, it's so embarrassing. But I don't want to do this. And I want to sit consistently. I want to practice. Well, I have to put my hand on the cushion on a regular, in a regular way. And I want to do this. I want to continue. And so I'm here asking for help, I guess. The dirty secret is out. And my vow is to remember that I did this every morning when I get up.

[45:18]

A few times I have done a I'm not sure it's right. And I would like for you to help me with it. Noticing confusion and all kinds of things. It occurred to me not too long ago to say, Bodhisattvas, Mahasattvas, please hold my body, my heart and mind while I meditate. Last night I thought, I will offer this. And I thought, what a shabby offer, because there's a lot of murky stuff.

[46:58]

Well, the offering of this practice, even if this practice wasn't so good, but I think it's actually a very good practice, but even if it wasn't a very good practice, it's still, the offering of it is a great practice. So that you would offer Make this request to the Bodhisattva Mahasattvas as an offering. It's a request but it's also an offering to them. That's an excellent practice called making offerings to Bodhisattvas. And then Ask them to hold you and concentrate their hearts on you and help you practice. They're very happy to hear that request and they're very happy to have you offer that to them. So it isn't just a request, it's also an offering. It's a gift to them. You mean it as a gift, hopefully.

[47:59]

Yes, but also there's a... Hold it for me so that I can meditate. That's fine. That's a perfectly good... They're happy for you to make that request. They're happy to help you hold. And they're happy to support you. That's their job. To embrace you and sustain you. That's their vow. And when you request them, they feel even more invited than usual. And then also when you see that you're giving them a gift, to help them do their job is even more. You can add that into it and, yeah, it's good. Good practice. You talked about the infinite Buddhas yesterday, I think it was yesterday, and then an infinite number of bodhisattvas circling around.

[49:40]

I didn't talk about it, but I also want to emphasize that before I talked about it, I said, think. And then I talked about this, but I was actually talking about a way of thinking. So really I'm saying think about these infinite bodhisattvas. Because if you say talk about it, it's as though we get into that he's saying that there are these bodhisattvas, blah, blah. But I'm not actually getting into stating their existence. I'm asking you to hear the instruction, the instruction to think of these bodhisattvas, to think of this world, this Buddha world, I'm not sure which I did, but there I was with a lot of little spinning around.

[50:41]

And then it got very busy, very crowded. I was like an engineer trying to make sure the cycles didn't bump into each other like gyroscopes. I was trying hard, but it was... I felt stupid. What a dumb thing to be doing. But I was trying to be a good, you know, listening, being sincere, I thought. And then when Elena came up and you told her about loving her, the way what you said about that she would know, I think you said this, that she would know you loved her when she, I don't even remember the rest of it, but it just broke my heart open, your, how much you wanted us to get this, how important you think it is. So sitting afterwards, I thought those little figures that can't be it, just... The little figures can't be it?

[51:49]

No. And then I remembered from another, you know, times you've talked to us about light, and I thought... Can you hear her now? Other times you've talked to us about light, and I could imagine that maybe praising and giving homage and offering incense and everything to light being everywhere, that started to... That seemed better. That seemed... And then you said yesterday something about goodness, infinite or some kind of goodness. And all of a sudden I imagined there being all this light and goodness like every single way, like infinitely everywhere around, like if you're brushing your hair, you're brushing your face. And that That seemed worth doing it all. But then where I get confused is the personification.

[52:54]

When you say, they're there, or the bodhisattvas are doing this, I don't know how to bridge from this concept of light and goodness all around, which I can touch into for a moment, and then like... Light wants you to do this. Goodness wants you to do this. God wants you to do this. And this is reality, and this is light, and this is goodness. So you don't need to personify it. You don't need to, but you can. But we don't need to. It's completely fine to not. It's completely fine not. You can lightify it and goodify it. But in this world, there are people that are personifying it, so you've got to take care of those people. So you might as well try on their life.

[53:56]

Go ahead and personify. You can do other ways. The point is to imagine another universe than the one you're usually trapped in. until you can leap out of this one and then leap out of that one and back into this one. Learn new ways to use your mind and your body, starting with open to all beings. and accept your responsibility. While you're standing, while you're sitting, while you're walking, while you're lying down, always have this openness to all beings, all suffering beings, all the different kinds of suffering, all enlightening beings.

[55:00]

Open to all beings and accept your responsibility. And then some beings are presenting you with Samantabhadra's vows. So instead of hearing about the little people's misery, you're hearing about the little busy details of radiance. Radiance is detailed. But, you know, if you wanted to have it just be big light, fine. Late. I know we're not there yet, but I do want to confess about having difficulty... Can you hear her?

[56:39]

Confess about having difficulty in rejoicing in merit and virtue of others. You're having difficulty rejoicing in the merit and virtues of others? Do you hear that? She's having difficulty rejoicing in your... Thank you for confessing. Anything else? Something else? Yeah. one part of it is that it's pretty big.

[57:42]

What's big? The virtue. The virtue is big? Other people's virtue is big? And it's kind of hard to find a place in relationship to it. It is kind of hard to find a place. So we have to keep moving in the element of having a hard time. Just keep dealing with it. It's hard to find a place. But work with that. Don't wait until you find a place to work with that. and you'll find your place in the middle of this huge virtue. I want to confess my lack of practice, my lack of diligence and practice over the past two years and I am very

[59:41]

they're inspired by this community. As you know, I came from a Zen center where the head teacher kind of blew up and I realized being here that I was much more affected by that than I let myself know. And I didn't stop practicing, but Oh, I really pulled back.

[60:51]

You didn't stop practicing, but you pulled back. You resisted. Right. So, that's my confession. Thank you very much. I hope it's okay if I just take a moment of all of your time, because I'm not in the session.

[62:09]

Is that okay? She said she wanted to take a moment of your time. Is that okay? Receive. May I receive a moment? May she receive a moment of your time? Okay. You've been welcomed. Thank you. Confession and repentance, this practice of confession and repentance is sometimes confusing to me because I often feel that there's something wrong with me. So it's just something that I'm working with. And I want to confess that oftentimes I feel so much shame.

[63:14]

There's so much shame. I don't even know what the word repent means. Etymologically, it means to re-suffer or re-pain, to feel the pain again, to feel sorrow. Literally, it means to again feel the pain, and the definition is to feel sorrow. But it's the type of sorrow. that reforms us. It's a sorrow about what we've done, what we've thought, what we've said. And it's this type of sorrow that reforms us, makes us to be. That type of sorrow, that's repentance. And confession gets it out there in the open so then we can see how we feel about it. And then we have to learn how to be upright with that pain.

[64:16]

That's a skillful repentance to be up with it so that it can work us back into the path which we vow to follow. So it puts us back on the path. And although it feels good to be put back on the path, it's a little bit uncomfortable to be off. or very uncomfortable. It allows us to be willing to go back in line with the Buddhas and the ancestors and all beings. So because this shame, this shame. A shame arises. A shame, and maybe it's a, this Buddha shame. It's a shame, something to open to.

[65:19]

I confess that it's often, it's often up for me, and I repent. I feel sorry that it's affected that I'm difficult for anybody to be in relationship to me from this shameful place that I relate to from often and I I want to thank everybody for their patience with me. Yeah, so shame itself is not an unskillful deed. It's a feeling that actually goes off and withholds. Shame often goes with wholesome states, but not always.

[66:25]

So I think the difficulty people have with us when we feel shame is our unskillful way of being with our shame. So if we're upright and gentle with our shame, people are encouraged by us, as you maybe see here. People are showing some shame, but they're upright and gentle with it. That inspires people. usually. Now, some people do not want to practice wholesomeness, so when they see people being wholesome, they have trouble with that, even. And I think we could feel sorrow that someone would have trouble with someone being wholesome. So feeling sorrow or feeling pain for someone not appreciating wholesomeness is appropriate, and that helps So if you can learn how to be more skillful with your shame, your feelings of shame, how to be more open and upright and gentle with them, that will help.

[67:32]

Then your shame, I should say, then the way of you relating to your shame will help people. But if you're rough with your shame, and you're not upright with your shame. That's what makes it hard for people. If I blame people for my shame, if I push my shame away and blame other people, that's hard for people. That's an unskillful way for me to deal with my shame. So the shame is something that is an opportunity for you to practice the bodhisattva vows. And then that will inspire other people, show other people how to relate to their shini, to their own skillfulness, in a way that inspires people. So during the seshin, I don't know if you've seen it, they exposed their lack of faith and practice. But they've done it in quite a gentle, upright and honest way. Quite tolerant and peaceful, peacefully have they disclosed.

[68:34]

And this inspires others to practice and also to do the disclosure in the same skillful way. So the shame is not itself the problem, it's the way of working with it. that can help or make it somehow confuse people. Does that make sense? Yeah. I pray and gentle with my shame. Yeah. We all wish you will be and that we will be. Thank you. You're welcome. I think people are close to you, so we'll get to them. Okay, how's this? Okay. Hmm.

[69:49]

So yesterday's dokuson with you, I was trying to confess about making partial confessions. So, just confessing that, still, that it's very difficult to feel like I've made a full confession, because they relate to each other, they just kind of, it's like pulling spaghetti off a plate, everything kind of connected to other. But you're sick, and what you offered helped. In terms of opening. So I've been kind of looking into that today so far. I do this.

[70:51]

How about that? Yeah, good. So you're opening to something? Yeah. So what I was confessing is that there's a part of me that, there's a being that arises that grasps the Dharma, that tries to do something, that tries to get something, tries to be something. That's shame around that. And in that, There's also a goodness. There's also a fire. That's good. There's a fire, yeah. Right. And so there's the fire, and then there's some tendency to try to get the fire.

[71:56]

That's the problem. And so the confession, and then the confession continues, identify or, yes, yeah, take credit for it. Yeah, take credit for the fire. My fire. I'm the fire. I haven't gone that far yet, but definitely that... Give some credit for it. It's like... I'm the disciple of so-and-so. Or something, yeah. Maybe you know that place. And so in confessing this and sort of softening and opening to it, It's very much connected to this very confused being that arises, a very confused being that's sort of... teeters back and forth on that edge of grasping and turning away and grasping and greed and hunger and fear and like, there's not enough.

[73:06]

I'm not enough. I'm not enough. So there's such a being. Such a being that comes. So then there's an opportunity to open to such a being. Right. And notice that there's responding to such a being. And that's the bodhisattva in this arena of this being. Mm-hmm. This is really helpful. I'm so encouraged. Everyone's bringing a depth that's very helpful. Everyone's saying what's very hard for me to put into words. Yeah. And a request, if it works for you, could you ... Can you hear her? A request, if it works here. Did you hear that? Yeah. No? They heard it, yeah. A request. Suzuki Roshi's words keep coming in this discussion of Samantabhadra's vows.

[74:10]

Strictly speaking, there are no enlightened beings, just enlightened activity. And I wondered if it might work for you to weave that in somehow. Strictly speaking, there are no enlightened beings, just enlightened activity. You just said it. I thought you might expand on that if it works. Okay. I'll definitely expand on it if it works. Yesterday, or the day before, when you were talking... Can you hear in the back?

[75:15]

When you were telling the story of asking Suzuki Roshi what you could give him in gratitude for your ordination, I felt... I didn't think of it as shame, but I realized it was shame and sorrow that I had not asked you that question two years ago and given you the answer that Suzuki Roshi gave you. And so right away I wanted to offer my practice to you as a gift of gratitude. And right away after that, I felt what a meager and paltry little gift that was. I felt some... She was going to offer her practice as a gesture of gratitude. She wanted to, and then she thought her practice was a meager gift. Is that right? That's right. It was an immediate reaction of my own, of the practice of this life.

[76:24]

also a lack of appreciation of offerings. Because even a paltry gift, when offered, because of the virtue of offering, the gift becomes a treasure. And then a treasure came. Then a treasure came? Great. Which was? Another treasure. Another treasure. Which was that to think that way, that my gift isn't enough of a gift, was actually a way of holding something back and of not offering. And then I didn't have a thought about what it was I was holding back and not offering, but it was some sense that there are beings here in this life that aren't giving themselves up to this practice and to you. Okay. She was saying what it was that was being held back. And this relates again to figuring things out, okay?

[77:28]

you may not know what you're holding back. You may not reach the end of what you have to offer. But it's good to start giving before you find out what the end of your giving will be. While you still feel something's lacking in your gift, start giving. As you start moving into your giving, you will someday understand what it's like not to hold anything back. But what you're holding back, before you start giving your half-hearted or your held-back gift, you will not find what you're holding back, and you won't find no holding back. So start practicing giving holding back. In other words, give your paltry gift, in other words, give your gift where you're still holding back, Because you can give a small thing wholeheartedly or you can give a big thing half-heartedly.

[78:32]

But if you're giving a big thing half-heartedly and you're trying to figure out what you're holding back, that's a distraction. Giving this thing half-heartedly. May I offer something more? Yeah, if she wants to offer something more, here it comes. Okay. So last night in my dreams, I again encountered my mind or in this life that accused me of... I don't know how to put this. It's a long time ago, and now a number of people have heard about this in various ways, but it occurs again sometimes. It's this great sense of having, in my efforts to help my mother at the end of her life, of having hastened her death. And in some of my selfish moments,

[79:35]

concerns during that time, which some of them, that they contributed to the difficulties that she was having. And there are rational ways to see this in a different way. And there's a whole picture that includes not just that negative view, but there's this accusation that just keeps resurfacing in my mind. And it did last night. And I know I've expressed this to you, but I haven't expressed it to the room before. And when it comes up, it feels like... like there's a killer here. And then... when I hear about repentance and... What you read about the repentance going on endlessly, I thought that's the place to be with it.

[80:43]

It's just to know that this is the killing that we all live and to be in repentance of it for it. Thank you. when I consider a being who is practicing opening to infinite Buddhas and wholeheartedly or wishing to wholeheartedly pay homage to infinite Buddhas and

[83:38]

whole-heartedly wishing or wishing to be whole-hearted in appraising all Buddhas and wishing to and promising to make whole-hearted offerings to all Buddhas. And then I think, now, what is a being who is into , what shortcomings do they have to confess? And I thought, well, probably their confession would be like, what they might have a chance to do is some kind of slight imbalance, or not necessarily slight, but some imbalance in their posture while they're making offerings. Some imbalance in their praise. Some imbalance in their paying homage

[84:43]

So they're not doing necessarily gross things like not appreciating somebody or hating somebody or wishing somebody not well. But just a little bit leaning into the practice. Or being a little bit, not being fully gentle Or maybe even butting in line ahead of somebody else who's making an offering to Buddha. Let me offer to Buddha. A little bit of too excited or slightly holding resistant. So we're doing a good thing, but a little bit unbalanced. And maybe you can see that even when your practice is going very well, when you're like really, devoted to all beings, devoted to all Buddhas, even then you can get a little bit excited or a little bit hesitated for a moment.

[85:52]

So these subtleties in your posture, your mental and physical and vocal in doing good things, you see how even for a great person who's really doing great things, there's still a little bit of kind of endless fine-tuning and how to be strong and gentle sit up straight stand up straight be really there be kind of like fiercely present and gentle how to balance that so when it comes time to practice confession sometimes when your practice really seems to be doing very good, there's still some little thing to find there. So that's why we have these great bodhisattvas still practicing, still recommending, practicing confession and repentance, even while they're doing these such wonderful practices, so devoted, they still have something to work on there.

[87:05]

If you're excited, it becomes a pitfall. If you're lost in retrospective regret, miss that chance. So this confession and repentance is a great tuning in. for the previous three and the succeeding six. It's not just about gross unskillfulness. It can be about subtle differences, subtle identifications and disidentifications with experience, subtle closings or impetuous openings. So this is a very important practice.

[88:18]

in a sense is nothing, you know, it isn't really doing anything in some sense. It's just like a great attuning practice to get yourself right back in line with all these other practices. So much for your for your excellent, your wonderful practice of confession and repentance.

[88:49]

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