Sometimes during this retreat, when I'm sitting, I think, it's so nice to be sitting. So good to be able to sit. And I don't feel like I'm able to do so by my own power. And I want to tell you thank you very much for making it possible for me to sit, for supporting the activity of the sitting. In a way, for some of you, during this retreat you've, in a way, heard a new story of Zen.

[01:06]

Of Zen or of practice of the Buddha way where there's lots of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas all around. One person said to me recently that, yeah, that he He's not used to Zen having all these Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. So in a way, I'm telling a new story of Zen. Not that the old story that he was more familiar with is not true. It's just another story of Zen. So again to say, all this talk about Buddhas and Bodhisattvas is not what I usually think of as Zen, or not my usual story of Zen.

[02:21]

Another way to say it, this attention to our relationship with Buddhas and Bodhisattvas is not something that a lot of people think of as typical of Zen. And I guess some people might say, also, when I think of vipassana, I don't think of a lot of attention being given to the relationship between the vipassana practicer and many Buddhas and bodhisattvas. Somebody might say that, too. Mightn't they? So I thought I'd talk about this point a little bit. Zen is more, I think, in the West anyway, and maybe in China and Japan and Korea and so on also,

[03:27]

It's more known for stories like when the Zen teacher says, what is Buddha? And the monks don't answer. He says, a piece of shit. This is more a typical Zen story. That's Zen. Or what is Buddha? The fence around the garden. What is Buddha? Three pounds of flax. But as I mentioned yesterday and as you read in the text of Genjo Koan, the Buddha way is basically leaping.

[04:28]

So Zen evolved in China after the Buddhist practice had been there for a long time, with millions of people practicing. It evolved in a situation where people were paying attention to their relationship with Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. Zen grew up in that environment. And then Buddhism leapt beyond itself and turned into Zen. But now Zen also keeps leaping beyond itself. So naturally I come here and there's a new Zen. Several years ago someone said to me, why don't we sing in Zen? And I said, oh we do, we sing. Kanji saibosatsu myojin anya hara mitaji shoken go.

[05:30]

No, no, I mean, not that kind of singing. Like, why don't we sing Broadway tunes? So I started singing Broadway tunes. No problem. There may be trouble, trouble... So while there's music and moonlight and love and romance, let's face the music and dance. It works very well with Zen, doesn't it? Leaping. So, you know, sometimes people say Zen is the religion of emptiness. But then some people say, no, Zen is the religion of form.

[06:32]

Zen is the religion of precepts, bodhisattva precepts, bodhisattva vows. And Zen is the religion of the emptiness of precepts and the emptiness of vows. Like it says, when all dharmas are Buddha dharmas, we have Buddhas sentient beings, enlightenment, delusion, birth, death, practice, form, ceremonies. When all dharmas are without self, we don't have any Buddhas or sentient beings, birth or death, enlightenment or delusion. So our life is vibrating between form and emptiness. Between bodhisattva vows and bodhisattvas have a mind which has no abode. They wholeheartedly vow to live for the welfare of all beings and they can't find any beings.

[07:40]

And even though they can't find any because they understand that beings can't be found. they're totally devoted to these beings they can't find. Matter of fact, they're much, they're totally unhindered in their devotion to beings because they understand that there's no beings to find. It makes it a lot easier to be devoted to them when you can't find them. It does. Someone just told me a little while ago, you know, She was meditating and suddenly everything dropped away. She couldn't find anything. There was just a warm light. And then in that warm light you want to be devoted to all these beings that you can't find. So anyway, the typical Zen story is like, what's Buddha?

[08:56]

Piece of shit. Actually, the story was a piece of dried shit, not wet shit, dry shit. A turd. Do you have the word in England, turd? But now you hear that in every speck of a turd, there's infinite Buddhas. And you go, wait a minute. Calling Buddha a turd, that's cool. But saying that a turd has lots of Buddhas in it, I don't get that. Infinite Buddhas in every speck of turd. Buddhas. In every speck of turd there's infinite worlds of beings and Buddhas are practicing with all those beings. Buddhism is basically leaping beyond what you think Buddhism is.

[10:03]

Buddhism is also leaping beyond what you think Taoism is and who you think you are and what Christianity is. When Christianity leaps, when Jesus walks, Oh, happy day. So, you don't have to be like me, but when I heard the stories about Zen monks, I wanted to be like them. You don't have to want to be like a Zen monk, but I did. And then when I found out they had a training program, I thought, okay, I'll join the training program. So then I went to San Francisco and I found a nice little Zen teacher.

[11:03]

And then I wanted to be like him. And he was a priest. I didn't want a Zen center to become a priest. That was not the point. It was to be able to act like those guys who happened to be priests. But then when I started hanging out with this Japanese priest. I didn't exactly want to be Japanese, but I wanted to be like my teacher. That was part of the reason why I wanted to be a priest. Because he was. And wear the same haircut as him. As he said, the ultimate haircut. But that's just me getting over who I used to be and wanting to be somebody new. And somebody said to me that he read just recently something Ajahn Chah said.

[12:15]

He said something like, don't want to become a bodhisattva. Don't want to become an arhat. and you'll be happy. Something like that. Is that right? I didn't say blasphemy. A Vietnamese monk, kind of a well-known one, some time ago, when Vietnam still had kings and queens, went to a party put on by the queen in Vietnam. And she had lots of fancy dishes. And I think he's like eating a lot of meat and drinking a lot of alcohol. And I think the queen saw him and said, Buddha would not do that.

[13:21]

You're not acting like Buddha. Like, you're not acting like a disciple of Buddha. And he said, I don't want to be like Buddha. And Buddha doesn't want to be like me. So I want to be like Buddha. And also, I don't want to be like Buddha. I want to be like Buddha. Really. And I don't want to be like Buddha. I want to go beyond Buddha. And Buddha wants to go beyond Buddha. And I want to be like you and I don't want to be like you. I want to leap, but I don't want to leap. I want to stay here and get to be me for a little longer. And I want to leap. We're dynamic beings. And that great Zen master named Tore Zenji, okay?

[14:30]

He's a Zen guy. His teachers like super Zen guy, Hakuin Zenji. Hakuin Zenji's story, one of the stories that I heard about, and I thought, I want to be like him. A really fierce Zen master, like a lot of people's typical story of a Zen master, a really fierce guy. he could really say no in a way that enlightened a lot of people. So here's Hakuin Zenji's main disciple who's got a bodhisattva vow. So when Zen was transmitted to the West, the bodhisattva and Buddha thing was toned down because a lot of the people who were coming to Zen where refugees from religion trying to find a religion that didn't look like a religion.

[15:32]

The religious refugees looking for a religion that doesn't look like a religion. Zen is a good one. What's religion? Shit. Ah, that's for me. And particularly before the Zen Center started in America, the Zen Center basically started in the 60s, or the very late 50s. In the very late 50s, Suzuki Rishi came to San Francisco. The Zen Center was founded in 1961. So now the Zen Center is 46 years old. And the other Zen centers also started to form across the country and in Europe in the 60s. There was a Zen temple in San Francisco from the 30s. And there were some other Zen temples in California, I think, from the late 19th century.

[16:39]

But the Americans of the European heritage started practicing Zen mostly in the early and middle 60s. But before that, a very important thing happened in preparing America for the arrival of Zen, for the awakening to Zen, and it was called the Beat Generation. And San Francisco was the center of it, although most of the people that were in San Francisco who were in this movement were not from San Francisco, from all over the country, but particularly East Coast, actually. And a lot of these guys, and one of them, one of the beat people, he's sort of beat, but anyways, was an English guy named Alan Watts. I think that these men and women, there were some women too, Joanne Kiger and so on.

[17:42]

These men and women, I think they saw some light. I think they saw the light, the warm light that shines the true face of Buddha. I think they saw it. I think they had an opening. But they thought Zen was three pounds of flax. And a lot of them couldn't really function very well after they saw the light. They wrote beautiful poetry and novels about bodhisattvas and stuff like that. But most of them couldn't find a teacher or a sangha. They just couldn't stand what they opened to, most of them. Some of them did find teachers.

[18:44]

And all the ones that found teachers survived the shock of revelation. of Asian wisdom. But the ones who couldn't all had to self-medicate and destroyed themselves. The drugs and alcohol destroyed them. And the drugs and alcohol were also part of the opening to the light, too. But anyway, We need help to practice. We have to practice together. The practice is a group practice. It's a communal practice. We need a sangha. And they didn't know that.

[19:45]

They heard about it. They're smart guys, girls. They knew that there was a sangha in Asia, but they didn't think they needed one. And particularly, they didn't understand they needed a teacher. Before you see the light, in some ways, you don't need a teacher. But after you do, you really need one. Because actually, you've got to teach it. It's right in your face. So you need to act it out. And yesterday, Helen said, and some other people, as I say, that if I say that people can pay homage to the light or pay homage to beauty, I say, well, beauty and light are really...

[20:53]

are the Dharma, are the Buddha. And if you're more comfortable with light, OK. But this Buddha, which is like vast space, like one Zen teacher said to one of his senior students, he said, the true The true reality body of Buddha is like vast space. And that space can manifest, or does manifest, it takes form in response to beings. Like the moon reflected in water. So the true face of Buddha is really vast light, vast warm light.

[22:07]

And when beings appear in relationship to that, it responds by manifesting in infinite ways, infinite types of bodies, not just human. in response. It has no fixed agenda about what way to appear. Human bodies is one of the ways. And for humans, human bodies are important because we can see them and talk to them and so on. But it can be many other ways. And then the teacher said, what is the principle of manifestation how how does the what's the what's the principle of responsive appearance or responsive you might say incarnation embodiment and form human form animal form plant form mineral form what's the principle of

[23:21]

responsive manifestation. And the elder monk said, it's like a donkey looking into a well. And the master, Salashan, said, you said quite a lot there, but you only got 80%. And the elder da said to Salashan, well, how about you teach it? Sao Chan said, it's like the well looking at a donkey. So there is a Zen teaching from ancient times about the relationship between light, the true face of Buddha, vast, spacious light, warm light, vast, spacious space with compassion at the center but no form and then it's that's the principle by which this thing manifests in relationship to all beings the relationship among all beings the relationship among all of us the way we're all supporting each other doesn't have any form the way

[24:52]

All of our forms support all the other forms. That doesn't have a form. That's vast, spacious radiance. That's Buddha. That's enlightenment. Totally inconceivable, ungraspable, and totally embracing and penetrating. But that can manifest. And the way it manifests is in response. For example, if you say, excuse me, Lord Buddha, would you come to visit? It manifests as you saying, would you please come to visit. It's just manifested by your lips touching and breath moving between them. That's a manifest. A manifestation of Buddha is for you to invite Buddha to come to visit. And there's many other ways.

[25:54]

So, again, I've raised the issue of the Bodhisattva vow. I vow to save all beings, but another one of them is I vow to give homage, to pay homage to all Buddhas. Pay homage means I vow to publicly express, to publicly acknowledge my relationship with enlightenment. And also to publicly express my relationship with any of the manifestations of enlightenment. I vow to do that. Or you might say, I vow to learn how to acknowledge my relationship with enlightenment. This is a bodhisattva vow of Samantabhadra. I actually, I didn't realize it, but when I went to Zen Center, I actually went there to publicly acknowledge my relationship with a Zen teacher.

[27:11]

I went there because I heard there was a Zen teacher there. There was in me the vow to go there and publicly acknowledge it by going to the center and saying, can I practice here with you? That was the way I originally took refuge is I went there. Before I met him, I went to meet him. And then when I met him, I said to myself, I said, okay, I want to work with this person. And the first thing I saw was his feet. I was sitting in meditation looking at the floor and And he walked by and I saw these small, clean, well-trimmed toes. And I thought, I actually thought, these feet can teach me Zen. So please consider how

[28:18]

What is the appropriate way? Is it appropriate for you? And what would be the appropriate way for you to acknowledge your relationship with enlightenment? And also, would it be appropriate for you to acknowledge your relationship with the manifestation of enlightenment? Somehow. How would you like to do it? You don't have to do it like other people. Do it your own way. Because you have your own sense of your relationship would it be good at some point to acknowledge it publicly? That's a certain aspect of Samantabhadra's bodhisattva. And so on. Is there in your heart a... a wish that the practice that you've been doing during this retreat and the practice you will continue to do in this retreat, is there a wish in your heart to make your practice offering to enlightenment, offering to Buddhas?

[29:40]

Do you wish to make your practice offering? If you do, in a sense you share the vow of the great bodhisattvas. They wish, they practice and they wish to offer their practice to the Buddhas. because your practice is the greatest offering, the Buddha's most appreciated. The greatest gift to them is that you're practicing their teachings and that you'll be happy because you're practicing their teachings. That's what they want. And as I mentioned a number of times, when I became ordained as a priest, I asked Siddhartha Maharishi what gift I could give him, and he said, practice. And if I think about it, I gave him almost no other gifts from then on but practice. That's what I gave him. I was happy, so happy to give him practice day after day. I'm thinking about the beatniks again.

[31:13]

These great people, you know. Like Jack Kerouac. A great guy. A great sweetheart. I kind of wish, you know, now I'm quite a bit older than he was when he died. To me, if I met him now, he would be like a little boy. If I met him when he was writing his books, or even if I met him when he was about to die, he would be like a young man to me. I would like to, you know, I wish I met him when he was, I wish I could meet him when he was a young boy and help him. Not, you know, support his great heart. Now I'm just three years away from the age of my teacher when he died.

[32:18]

And it's very nice to be this age. Pretty much every day I see more beautiful people. Now almost everyone's beautiful. It's very nice. So I hope I live longer so that everyone's beautiful. Or rather, so I see. My understanding of Buddha Dharma is that everyone is beautiful. Because everyone has a dependent core rising. Everyone has light. Everyone's light is beautiful. This is what we want to see. And when we see it, then, when you see it, then, please take care of it.

[33:27]

Take care of it. And if you don't know how, get help in learning how to take care of it. It would be very sad if you saw this light and then didn't take care of it. Generally speaking, it would be good for you to emphasize lengthening the right side of your body. Make it longer. Yeah, right. That's right, like that. A little bit more. More. There you go. Work on that, okay? Would you work on that, please? Would you work on that, please? Thank you. Is there any feedback you'd like to offer to the community and me this morning?

[34:38]

I've had a question since yesterday. A little bit louder? A little bit louder, please. I've had a question since yesterday, and the question is about karma. The question is about karma, okay. Yeah. it's like there's a desire to understand karma in a broader sense than what's revealed in the practice in terms of what you've talked about and my question would be there's so much that happens in the world so many awful things that happen in the world and

[36:08]

there's a desire to understand say for example in the instance of a child and something awful happens to a child like a child is raped and there's karma, there's a karma of that child, and I'd like to understand how that karma of that child is operating when something like that happens. Well, I would like to understand too, but my understanding at this point is that, actually understanding is is something that happens after a long, long practice after enlightenment. That people can realize enlightenment, but still, that's just the beginning of understanding karma.

[37:14]

So to understand those kinds of things is actually, I think, is a long ways away. However, prior to such exalted understanding, which you aspire to in your heart, prior to that, every moment you're contributing to the world in which people are cruel to each other. Okay? So prior to understanding how it happens that people are cruel to each other, prior to understanding how the causes come together to make that, to make a person who has a story that allows them to be cruel to someone or supports them to be cruel, prior to understanding how that happens, I think it would be good to realize that we are contributing to the world every moment.

[38:17]

And our contribution is through our stories that our minds are creating. And we have been contributing from beginningless time. So we are responsible for all the cruelty that happens in the world and all the kindness that happens in the world. And we're making more contributions every moment. So I think that's the immediate work you have to do. Your wish is, I share your wish to understand that, and I accept and I take care of that wish with you. But don't get distracted from your job, which is to take care of your karma right now. And if you take gracious care of your karma, your contributions to this world will definitely... I do understand that. I can see that when people care graciously for their karma, their contributions are better, are more beneficial.

[39:28]

And this process will lead eventually to understanding how karma works, to be able to see how it works in direct perception. Buddha has said some things about how this works, but to actually see it directly, requires not just enlightenment, but long practice of bodhisattva vows after enlightenment. Because not all enlightened people are Buddhists. So I know it'd be nice to understand, but I don't think we're going to be able to. In the meantime, we can make positive contributions and It's possible to make a positive contribution without paying attention to your karma. That can happen sometimes. But generally speaking, if we don't pay attention to our karma, our contributions degenerate and contribute to ill rather than benefit. Generally, that's the teaching.

[40:33]

But if we do pay gracious attention to our karma, you will start transforming. Your contributions will positively transform the world. And also, part of the way the world will be transformed is your karma will be transformed, which will aid you to have stories about how you would like to help other people who are not taking care of their karma, like children, like my grandson. He's just starting to be able to look at his karma, at his stories, to look at them and meditate on them and notice the different types of stories and how they work. Like he can tell me when he hears a story of wanting to kill someone. He can articulate that now and say, I just want to kill him. And we can look at that together. And I can support him to be aware of his intention to harm. he is now able to start looking in his mind and see his intention to harm someone.

[41:39]

And he can also look in his mind and see his intention to help someone. And we can look together at that. So I have this desire to help him look. And if you look at your own karma graciously, that's going to help you want to devote your life energy to help other people start looking at theirs. And the more of us that start looking at their karma, the more the world is positively transformed That I kind of understand. But the details of how it works, I do not. So we have this big job to do, which will lead us to understand what we want to understand. But it'll lead us, in the meantime, to contribute to a world where other people will also have a chance to understand. That's my answer. This is confession time.

[43:08]

Well, if it's confession time, then sing it loudly. Sing it out. Would you like to come here? You're part of the confession. No, I'd like you to come here. A family confession. I can't see you there. You're confessing. No, I'm confessing.

[44:10]

No. Is there some way we can make a... You can turn your body towards her. Can I? He wants to see you and me. Really? Yeah. Panavision. Panavision. You know, I don't know if everybody feels the same way, but speak closer to this microphone. Okay, I'm getting as close as I can. All right. Okay. Go ahead. I give up already. I'll support you. Okay. So anyway... I was having a tea yesterday outside and a very good friend came and sat opposite and she looked in my eyes and she said, Francis, this is a silent retreat, I know, but she said, do you know something?

[45:20]

And I said, maybe, maybe. She said, you have such a beautiful wife. And I said, yeah, I think so. I think she's really beautiful. And not only that, but she's upright and she's calm and she's generous and kind and she's just a really good person. And that got me thinking as I was... Relax, Bernadette. Relax. Let it in. Let it in. Let it in. Open up. So after that I came back to the Zen Dham and I was sitting and my mind went back to the time that I met Bernadette and there were many years after I met her and we married that we'd go to marriages and go to parties and people would come up to me and say your wife is so beautiful and I used to feel so angry inside and like

[46:32]

Why is everyone saying that? People would come up and say, she has such a fantastic accent. Her voice is so beautiful. Where did she come from? And this went on for years. And like after these marriages, I go into these silent rages. And Bernadette would say, do you have a good time? And I'd tell her, I'd just be silent. And Bernadette would say, why are you always so quiet after we go to these, you know, these lovely times together? And so I went on like that for a long, long time. And I could never really appreciate her the way other people did. I felt very envious. And very... Envious of their appreciation? Envious of their appreciation. And... So this went on for a long time, and quite a few years, actually.

[47:36]

And it wasn't, I think, until we had our first child. It was like I'd been playing this hide and seek game with my feelings towards her. And it seemed like the more people appreciated her and the more they came out and said, what a charming person, what a beautiful person, what a lovely voice she has. The more I'd sort of retreat into this sort of hiding place because like if everyone loved her so much, I was kind of, I was convinced that I was going to be the one that didn't love her that much. So I was retreating, hiding. And I don't know if in the States, hide and seek is a big game. It's a big game, yeah. It's a big game. It's where everybody plays. Yeah. It's like a really big game over here. And I remember as a kid that we'd play this game. And I would often be the last one to be found.

[48:43]

And in fact, I take a great pride in not being found. And in fact, I'd play all kinds of devious tricks, games, so that I wouldn't be found. And so if I saw someone coming to my hiding place, I'd very nimbly sort of find another hiding place. And so I felt that was the sort of dance between Bernadette and I. I was sort of playing this hide-and-seek. And it wasn't until I think our first child was born. And then suddenly at that time, when I was there at the birth, I was just overwhelmed by this incredible... Just... I just couldn't die. And I just couldn't hide anymore.

[49:51]

It was just so beautiful. And I guess that was the beginning of sort of saying yes to life. And so I want to thank you for being a really good friend and putting up with my, I don't know what it was, my game. And still putting up with it as well. Thank you. Anyway, I thought this game was finished. But last year, I went to Switzerland to meet Reb. And it was a beautiful location up in the mountains. And a beautiful Zen temple, exquisite. Everything was absolutely beautiful. And I arrived with Wendy.

[50:56]

Including me, right? Including you. I arrived with Wendy after a long trip, which was a very eventful trip as well. And checked in, got my bags unpacked, and then somebody came over and said, somebody looking very officious, you know, rack suit, robes, the whole thing, and said, Red would like you to be his personal attendant. And I thought, wow, that's fantastic. I'm going to get this central position. Everyone's going to be watching me. Fantastic. So anyway, it was. It was a wonderful weekend. I get up every morning, take water to Red and make tea and take incense with him to the Zen Do and do all of the ceremonies with him.

[51:56]

And I thought, wow, this doesn't get better than this. This is really good. So at the end of the retreat, we all leave and go down to the railway station to get on the train. And we're all standing together, Wendy and I and about 15, 20 other people. And for some reason, I can't remember why he would have said that, but he turned to me and he said to people, you know, Francis has... I was just waiting for him to say, you know, he's not the best attendant I've ever had. He said, Francis has such a beautiful wife. They're still going on. No ending.

[53:01]

So now I'd like to come out of the shadow of Bernadette and walk with her in light. Thank you. Very beautiful too. Thank you. Mutual appreciation society. Well, listen, since I'm here, am I turning now? I love this retreat, but one of my big complaints is that We're not close. Can you hear me at the back? Loud and clear? Good. That's how it should be. Good. Is it too loud for the front? Is it vibrant? Okay, so I want to, not so much a question as an exchange and a clarification about Buddha's way, Buddhism and Buddhists.

[54:10]

Frances and I came to Zen Center in 1973, so like 34 years ago. We've never parted from Zen Center since. We haven't lived there all that time, only for three years, but we've always kept our contact. We didn't go into any other branches, although we are aware of Tibetan Buddhism, this and this and this. So we never lost, the thread was never lost. We kept touch with people we practiced with, and one thing or another. It's only the last few years. I'm just about to come out. In the meantime, we went back to Quebec and we lived in France and so on. And my background is Catholicism and there's a lot of people in the order in my family, priests and nuns and things like this. My immediate family as well, very involved with the church. So perhaps it wasn't always clear what Buddhism would have to do in my life, but it's very clear now.

[55:16]

I've even said to my family, which I visited last year, yeah, that I was more of a Buddhist. So I do say I don't shout it on top of roof, although maybe you would say I could. But anyway, sometimes people ask you and you have to kind of define yourself. So I do now say I'm Buddhist. I'm growing more and more fond of it. I pay more and more attention to it. And so, for me, being a Buddhist is the Buddha's way. Francis and I often, almost every day, recite a lovely prayer which was in use at Zen Center at the time we were there. Should I say it? Did you say should? Yeah. It's very nice. I'd love you to, but you don't have to. Well... I would like to say it because I have a little deep, a little intention which that you would be nice if we could use it in our retreat as well.

[56:24]

I hope you have You're trying to get something? I'm trying to suggest, I'm suggesting something. Okay. So this lovely prayer is very beautiful. I hope it's still used at Zen Center. It goes, we say it before we eat. Innumerable labors brought us this food. We should know how it comes to us. Receiving this offering, we should consider whether our virtue and practice deserve it. Desiring the natural order of mind, we should be free from greed, hate and delusion. The should now, I think, could be could or we're aiming at, because as you said yesterday, even Buddhas are never free from delusion. So maybe we should. I think it's not the right word.

[57:27]

Could or aiming at. Desiring the natural order of mind, we could be free from greed, hate, and delusion. Food is for the three treasures, our teachers, our family, and all sentient beings. We eat to support life and to practice the Buddha's way. Yeah. Isn't that lovely? A Zen center, or because we can all eat sometime together, so we can see it, is it still being used? I'm sorry to tell you that the translation has been changed somewhat. Oh, what? It's the same thing, just a slightly different translation. I hope you still come back to visit. Yes. So from that, in it says a lot. And it says all the good vows.

[58:29]

And so for me to practice the Buddha's way is... I say in little old Devon, you know, Buddhism is very modest and things like this. So if I'm asked, I do say now that I feel more comfortable with everything that's expected of a Buddhist. I haven't done them all, but I'm aiming at. So I say I'm a Buddhist. Is that okay? Yeah. You're welcome to say so. Bon. That's very good. Bon. Bon. Well, understood. I agree. I agree. Yeah. Are you going to make a confession? No. I don't. I'm very moved by... It's funny how someone perceives you and yet I... I don't think I do that. Well, I aim at having a good heart. My practice now is saying if you have a background of Catholicism, the greatest commandment, Christ says, was charity.

[59:39]

Well, so does Buddhism says, kindness. And I'm a long way. You're doing pretty good. Well, I try. Thank you, Beth. Thank you very much. Thank you. Is that enough this morning?

[60:41]

That felt like a nice segue for what I've been feeling the last day or so, wanting to go for refuge in the manifestation of the Buddha, which is the Sangha here. My story at the moment is that I just moved from Canada, came here. And so this is the beginning of a new journey for me, to live with a partner. And I guess I'm asking for the support of the Sangha and rep support, which I feel. in this new story as it unfolds.

[62:16]

I feel happy to be back in England, but of course I have no idea what's ahead and all I can do is look after right now. It feels very important. It felt suddenly, it hit me yesterday that, I mean, he's not here and he's not a practicing Buddhist, but it's just, it felt like something that I wanted to share and I feel that, and it's also important for me to sort of come out, as it were, Just, um... Take that, you heterosexual.

[63:20]

Thank you, ma'am. You're clarifying that. First of all, I'm a Buddhist. Yes. Hello, my name's... My name's Wendy. I'm a Buddhist. Yes. How long since your last confession? The bodhisattvas are happy to hear that you want our help in practicing the bodhisattva vows with Buddhists and non-Buddhists. We are your co-workers, your conspirators, your comrades. We're happy to support you, to practice here, and we'll miss you in Vancouver. But we understand you have not yet realized how to be in innumerable places at once.

[64:23]

That's next. We expect that. So far, it looks like Cambridge. But I hope to be involved in the sort of activities that you're engaged in here, be really helpful to further the Zen cause. Well, congratulations on coming up here. Thank you. And expressing yourself to your friends. Once again.

[65:40]

Could you say something more about the mountain's toenails? Oh. The mountain's toenails. Well, mountains have feet, right? There's the foot of the mountain. There's the foot of the mountain. And at the end of the foot of the mountain is the toes of the mountains. And at the toes of the mountain is where the mountains meet the water. The Zen school teaches that the mountains are moving over the water. And where the mountains meet the water is the toes of the mountain. And at the toes of the mountain, the water splashes up. And this is where the Buddha is born. Where are the Buddhas born?

[66:51]

The eastern mountains move over the water. And in particular, the place where you realize the birthplace is where the mountains are meeting the water and moving on the water. So you have to go all the way down the mountain, all the way down to the foot and the toes of the mountain, and there you will find mountains splashing in the water and there you will find the Buddhas are born. Do you understand? How do you understand? Not the no part, what's the yes part? I was suddenly reminded of you talking about the meeting of two worlds.

[67:54]

Yeah, yeah. And basically I was at a cake tart where the two oceans meet, the Indian and the Atlantic cake point, and wondering that Is it the two words? What? Take that. Another, a more technical way to put it is, if you follow your karma all the way to the bottom, you will find light. If you follow form all the way to the bottom, you will find emptiness.

[69:01]

But Buddha isn't emptiness and Buddha isn't form. Buddha is where form and emptiness are splashing around with each other. But we have to exert, fully exert our form, our feelings, our emotions, our intentions. Every experience, we have to take care of it in such a way that we wholeheartedly experience. And the wholehearted experience of the mountains is the toes of the mountain. And in the wholehearted experience of the mountain, the water splashes up, and the Buddhas are splashing up in that place. It's always right here at the tip of our wholeheartedness. The mountains move over the water even if you're halfway up the mountain or on top of the mountain. They're still moving over the water.

[70:07]

Buddhas are born there all the time. But if you're not fully exerting the mountain, if you're not going from the top to the mountain, down to the toes, you'll miss the show. So we have to be wholehearted about this month. Otherwise we'll feel cut off from the water. So I About 23 or 24 years ago, in a retreat at Green Gulch, we were studying this sutra about mountains and rivers, Mountains and Waters Scripture, it's called. It's another text by the Zen teacher Dogen.

[71:17]

If you study mountains and waters, you will understand with the Buddha Dharma. He says at the beginning, the mountains and rivers of the immediate present are the actualization of the path of the ancient Buddhas. Of course, your karma in the immediate present is the actualization of the path of the ancient Buddhas, too. Abiding together in their normative state, they culminate the qualities of thorough exhaustiveness. Because they are events prior to eon of emptiness, they are the livelihood of the present.

[72:19]

Because they are before the appearance of subtle signs, they are the penetrating actualization of immediate reality. The Zen master Yun Man, remember him? I talked about him earlier today. Remember him? Yun Man? What's Buddha guy? Remember that guy? He said, Where are all the Buddhas born? He asked that another time. He asked, Where are all the Buddhas born? And then he often answered the question himself. He asked questions and answered them. His answer was, Eastern mountains move over the water. So we were studying this and discussing this about these mountains moving over the water and following the mountains all the way to the bottom. And I was endeavoring to follow the mountains all the way to the bottom, moment by moment.

[73:34]

Before the retreat started, my wife said that she had to have her car fixed and that it was going to cost, you know, back then, it was going to cost $1,100 And she didn't have the money, so could I loan her the money? I had some money, so I gave her my money, all of it. And then she could pay that for the car repair. And then during the retreat, she said, actually, it turns out this is going to cost $1,600. I said, well, I don't have it. She said, oh. So then she borrowed, I don't know what she did anyway. Somehow we got more. When the retreat was over, when the retreat on the mountains, And Rivers was over.

[74:43]

She told me that the bill was actually $3,200, which was far more than the car was worth. But anyway, that was the bill. And I resisted. Some of you are resisting the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. I resisted the 3,200. I resisted spending that much money on this car. I resisted the reality of that bill. So I was kind of looking for somebody to, someone to, some place where I could put the responsibility for the situation. other than on me. Why me? I didn't feel like putting the responsibility on my sweet, dear wife, poor kid.

[75:48]

I didn't feel like putting the responsibility on the car, although I thought about it. The mechanics seemed like a likely candidate. Some place to put the responsibility for this event, like some of you might try to put the responsibility of all these Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, put it on me, that I'm the one who's bothering you with these 32 trillion Bodhisattvas. Maybe you think it's my responsibility that you're burdened with all these Bodhisattvas. No, I don't know. Whose responsibility is it for all these dollars and all these Bodhisattvas Some resistance, anyway. I was irritated by the situation. I didn't go quite so far as to fix the responsibility, or you might even say, blame. Blame somebody. It's your fault, one might say. You're responsible for this problem. I just came out of the retreat.

[76:55]

I wasn't quite into really getting into affixing blame. But I was tempted. I thought that would make me feel more comfortable if I could put it someplace rather than just feel it. I really just feel this big thing. Bigger thing bigger than I was ready to open to it. You know what that big thing's called? By the Zen master Yin Man. What is it called, that big thing? Helen? What is it called? No? You're not going to answer? It's the mountain. It's the mountain. It's the mountain. Somebody else take care of this mountain. I wasn't following the mountain to the toes of the mountain. So I didn't feel the water splashing up at the toes.

[77:56]

I feel the Buddhas being born with me. Do you understand? Is this clear? Helen? No? Yes, I'm just thinking mountains go down below the water. Huh? Toes of the mountain run the water. Well, fine. They can splash under too. But anyway, got to get to the bottom of the mountain. And I wasn't going to the bottom. Can you see that? I was resisting. 1100, okay. 32, no. No. No. One Buddha, okay. You know, Shakyamuni Buddha in India, okay, fine. Innumerable Buddhas all over the place all the time. No. Give me a break. Get out of here. Go back to Buddha Land. In different situations we resist different things.

[79:01]

Here we resist repair bills. Here we resist bodhisattvas. Here we resist sickness. Here we resist pain. Here we resist cruelty. Here we resist beautiful wives. Right? Get the picture? Is that clear? To me, it's very clear. Is it clear to you? So anyway, but I was resisting. I'm confessing to you. I resisted! I confess, I resisted. $3,200. I resisted giving it to the mechanic. I resisted giving him money I didn't have. We borrowed the money, we paid it. But anyway, I was resisting, and during the retreat, I had a niece that was born, a beautiful Chinese niece, and she was born premature, I believe, and there was a malfunction in her pulmonary artery, I believe, where there's kind of a switch where it goes one way when you're in the

[80:19]

in the womb, and then one thing closes off and another thing opens up so that it works outside the body. And in her case, it didn't happen, and she was turning blue. She was going to die because she wasn't getting blood. It was going all over the place. And it just so happened that she lived in San Francisco, where just five years before, I think, they discovered this new surgical technique for repairing this birth defect. So she had, right after being born, she had open-heart surgery. So I went to see her with my wife, to see her little niece. And there she was with this huge scar from here to here. And she was under heat lamps. And she was sedated. But even though she was sedated, She was in pain.

[81:24]

And she was trying to cry. But because she was sedated, she couldn't cry. But she was trying to cry as best she could. And she was really wholehearted about it. But she was trying to cry, even though her ability to cry had been turned down by the pain medication. So then I think I went to the toes of the mountain. And I stopped looking for someplace to put the problem, other than right here. Of course, she put everything in perspective. She showed me wholeheartedness and how ridiculous it was for me not to be wholehearted. When she was wholehearted, even, you know, little tiny baby wholehearted, even though she was in pain and even though she was drugged, she still was trying to cry.

[82:37]

So then, it was nice for her. I was, the water splashed up. I was, I understood how to get to the bottom of the, she showed me how to go to the bottom, to the toes, the toes of the mountain. Got down there. And then I was like, you know, of course, my poor little niece is suffering, but I could be with her. I wasn't resisting being with her. I wasn't resisting being with Bill. I got to the bottom of the mountains. So let's help each other. And let's receive help from each other to go to the bottom of the mountains. to wholeheartedly experience the mountain, from the summit to the toes. Now, you could flip the mountain over, but the mountains usually aren't upside down. But they can flip. And you could say the Buddhas are born where the clouds touch the summit.

[83:45]

Anyway, all the way to the top or all the way to the bottom, fully. wholeheartedly experience the mountain of the moment. Does that make some sense to you? That's where Buddhas are born. Of course it's not that easy when the bill keeps going up, but then if you sometimes you see somebody whose bill's gone way up, you know, and that they're like totally there, you kind of feel like, I'm kind of embarrassed. I should join that effort. If she can be wholehearted, I can be wholehearted. Okay. She's still suffering, but she's not as good at crying as she used to be, which is very painful.

[84:50]

And it might be that first trauma that she's still struggling with. So I won't say that she's okay, but I will say that she's still beautiful. and she's still struggling to be wholehearted. And, you know, little babies sometimes have the good fortune of nobody giving them any sophisticated ways to resist, distract themselves from their experience. So they're sometimes quite good at teaching wholeheartedness. So as she grew up, she learned ways of distracting herself. So she's having a real hard time still. Still difficult. And people are still trying to support her.

[86:02]

And when she lets people support her, then things are pretty good. But when she goes away and hides, and things are really, then it's really terrifying. Is that enough for this morning? May our intention equally extend to every being and place.

[87:09]

May our vows equally extend to every being and place with the true merit of Buddha's way. Beings are working for this.

[87:27]

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