I have a story that I've been telling you stories. I've been playing the role of a storyteller. I've been pretending to be a storyteller. no one knows who I really am, including me. Playfully telling stories, they bubble up in my mind unexpectedly, delighting me, surprising me. I think someone in this practice period early on came and told me that he thought I was, I seemed always serious.

[01:06]

He said, are you always serious? Yes, I'm always serious. I'm always pretending playfully to be serious. I'm one continuous joke. Recently someone came to tell me that he was happy, very happy, almost couldn't stand how happy, almost couldn't bear the happiness of Sashin. Not just one person, but I'm speaking of one person now in this story.

[02:10]

He said, during Sashin, I loved everything, loved everything. I think he said, then, that's the good part of Sashin. I said, what about the pain? Do you love the pain? And she winced and grimaced and said, sometimes I just want to get through it. Yeah. kind of lose the sight of the love. Now, I've said this before in earlier stories. Let me say it again, please, that loving pain doesn't mean you like it or dislike it.

[03:19]

It means you give your life to it when it comes. You graciously welcome it. And when it goes, you gracefully go. Perhaps even without the thought, glad to get rid of that guy. But maybe with a prayer, I hope the next time I can welcome her again. I hope I can love her next time. now that she's given me a break. When you're loving your pain you're settling into a steady position in your pain. Settling into a steady mobile sitting position means loving your body and mind and the bodies and minds of others at your sitting position.

[04:37]

how this is a story that somebody's telling you now. And I don't tell you that story hoping that you'll believe it, but I do tell you that story wanting you to listen. I want you to understand this story, not believe it. It's a fiction to set you free, like the ultimate truth. When you love someone, it doesn't mean you can't say, could I go rest now? I love you, but I need to close my eyes and let go of you. May I please? I'll be a better playmate after my nap. Stay and feel the pain. Please, can I go?

[05:44]

I really need some rest. I'm quite sure after my rest I'll be a better playmate. I'll be able to love you more wholeheartedly. Now I'm kind of slipping through the moment with you. I'm starting to tense up. I think if I rest, please let me rest, then I can come back and relax with you. Okay, you can take a break. change your posture. Thank you. Also, when you're loving pain, it doesn't mean that you don't say, I love you and if it was good to stay with you, but it's not good to stay with you. If I stay with you, it will damage this body.

[06:48]

I don't mind staying with you, but the position I'm in, where you and I are now meeting in this painful way, this position is not good for me or for you. I think I need to change my position now. I'm actually going to stay with you unless you happen to go when I change my position. And if you do, it's been great knowing you, really. Matter of fact, you tipped me off so that I should change my position. Because I know from experience that when you come, it's a sign of, it's a sign that I should sign this painting. You're actually the singing of the bird. Thank you for coming. Now I adjust my posture into a more healthful position. The painting might say, yes, but then that'll be the end of me. And so I ask the pain, if I... Will that be okay if we go together?

[08:02]

Here, hold my hand. Let's leap into a new position where neither one of us will be here anymore. Ready? Yeah. One, two, three. We're both gone. And now we have a new world to love. And that pain is gone and so am I who was then. I didn't come to Zen Center because I wanted pain. I came to Zen Center because I wanted help in dealing with the pain. And I got it. I got the help. However, the pain didn't go away.

[09:05]

I just got help dealing with it. One of my early sashins, as I told you this story before, some of you have heard this story before, it's a story, it's a fiction. Once upon a time there was a boy, a young man, he went to see an older man named Suzuki Shinri, and he said, during sashin, if I sit in full lotus, the pain gets so loud that I can't follow my breathing. I can barely pay attention. But if I sit in half lotus, the pain isn't so loud and I can follow my breathing.

[10:07]

And Suzuki Roshi said, oh, maybe full lotus is good for you. I'm just saying that's what he said to me. Sometime after that we were starting a session in San Francisco at a new location, the beginning of a session. He said something like, this is the beginning of the session. And we're practicing together. And we're going to practice together, all of us. And some of us might have to sit in a chair. But we're going to get through this together. Just a couple years after that we had to carry him down the stairs to the Zendo.

[11:19]

That was fun. Actually, it was fun to carry the teacher down the stairs to the Zendo. He couldn't go up the stairs by himself without our help and definitely couldn't get up the stairs. But the practice went on very nicely, flourished. At that time it flourished. It's okay if there's not pain. Sometimes there isn't. It's okay if there isn't any. One time I also went to Sekirushi and I said, it's easy.

[12:29]

It's gotten easy. It's not hard anymore. I don't think I said this, but is something wrong? Am I missing something? And he said, sometimes practice may not be hard for you. And he took a piece of paper and he said, origami, when we fold the paper, which is sometimes hard to do, After we fold it, we press it for a while. Just one more fold. It makes the fold somehow more foldy.

[13:32]

And then the time comes to make another fold. So at that moment, I think the fold had been done, no more folds to be done, and I was waiting for the next fold, which came quite soon, actually. And I went and I told him, and he didn't know what I was talking about. But I got somebody to explain it to him. So it's okay if there's not pain. But when there is pain, practice is to love it, to be compassionate towards it, to relax with it, to be gracious with it, to be spacious with it, and then just in that way settle with it graciously, gently, flexibly.

[14:43]

relax, welcome and love the pain. And if you feel like you're moving away from relaxation, you're getting less relaxed, and, you know, less welcoming and less gracious and less spacious and starting to hate the pain or hate the people who are forcing you to be in pain or something like that, then maybe it's time to have a reset. Take a little break because you're kind of like going in the wrong direction. Better to take a break and come back and play nicely later than to say, okay, Zen is like no good. Zen is too hard. It's stupid. I hate Zen. I'm not going to play anymore. Better to stop a little bit ahead of that.

[15:47]

However, if it comes on really fast and you find yourself pouting, we can deal with that, but why not just stop before you start pouting? And then when you feel rested, come back to play with the pain. Come back to relax with it, settle with it. And then once you're settled, like in the painting, once you're settled, like in the painting, when the bird comes, when the bird's ready to actually enter into the cage now, ready to like really enter the pain. At that moment, observe the most profound silence and stillness. Don't move. And the bird enters the cage. And then you can start playing with it. And the first thing you do is close the door on it with your brush.

[16:53]

You know, I gotcha. You're here. I mean, we're here. I mean, it's here. I mean, we're all here now. Nobody's trying to run away. Now we can play. Oh, what do we do? Let's paint the bars away. Let's paint some trees. Let's paint some birds. Let's paint some insects. Let's paint a sun. What do you want? settle into the pain, the pleasure, the confusion, the enlightenment, the stupidity, the schedule, the body and mind. Relax in, settle in, give yourself completely to it. Completely trust everything to settling in and then be quiet and the play opportunity will come.

[17:59]

And that play is when the ceremony really comes alive. For example, the sitting ceremony, you're trying to do it but you're not really willing to be there completely because it's uncomfortable or because you just haven't quite figured out where the body is, so you don't know where to settle. But anyway, finally when you settle into the ceremony, then you can start to realize that the real ceremony is the of you meeting the Buddha. And you meeting the Buddha is the playfulness of the ceremony. The ceremony comes alive when in the middle of the ceremony you realize, oh, the ceremony is me. Who I really am is the ceremony. It's not the ceremony and me.

[19:07]

The ceremony is who I am. This is called meeting Buddha face to face. When you realize the ceremony and everybody that's doing the ceremony with you, and everybody who's pretending not to do the ceremony with you, is you. This is the mode of helping others. So, this is the story that I've been telling. And the thought arose in me, Maybe it would have been good to tell people to love pain at the beginning of the sesshin, but I didn't know when the sesshin started. I thought it started today. So at the beginning of sesshin I wanted to tell you about loving pain because I've heard from my daughter that this pain comes up during sesshin. although she never did really sit much of a sashi.

[20:14]

She sat one period so far in her life. It was at Tassajara, and she was sitting right in front of me, and she spent some time turning around and looking at me. But she did sit the whole period, and that was, for now, enough. eight. But she likes the Bodhisattva ceremony. And she really does not like funerals. But she goes to them and It's very hard for her to open to all that she feels when she goes to funerals, even for people she doesn't know very well. But she does go to them. And actually her son went to one recently, which was performed in San Francisco.

[21:26]

Carolyn and Bert and Diana and they helped me perform the ceremony for my grandson's best friend. And the grandson was at the funeral ceremony and took care of the grandmother. The little boy reached out and held the hand of his grandmother when she was crying. There was a ceremony at that time. The grandson was playing with the grandmother, and the grandfather was standing in the middle room singing strange songs, very happily performing the ceremony. So please, do me a favor.

[22:35]

Love pain. Which again includes, if it wants to go, let it go. Don't hold on to it. Don't stay. People say, talk about staying in pain. Staying in pain is not what I mean by love. Staying in love is not what I mean by love. Now, that's enough. And to love again. Got a good love on you? Give it away. Please love pain. Please love all suffering. People need you to teach them how to love suffering, how to love pain. They need you to teach them that. Many people do not know how to relax and be playful.

[23:40]

And I think all of you actually know how to do this with some pains. All of you know how to relax with some pains. They may be small. Some people are good with medium size but not good with small. Some people are good with actually big pain and not good with medium or small. Most people are not good with super big pain. But you can get The Buddhas practiced relaxing with pain, and after a while they could be relaxed with big, big, big, big pain, with any pain. They could relax with it. They could love it. So with the pain you have now, learn to relax, learn to love, learn to welcome. learn to play. And then if you're successful, you'll be given a gift called a bigger pain.

[24:50]

And if you're successful with the bigger pain, you'll be given the reward of a smaller pain. And if you're successful with the smaller pain, just the pain that the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas think would be good for you to learn to love. Don't select your pains Let other beings select them for you. But I know it's hard for us not to try to select our pains and pleasures. Just a request I have is, the simple one is, please love pain. And please love the pain that you feel when you see others in pain. And please love the pain you see when you see others who are in pain when they see others in pain.

[25:56]

To encourage them to love the pain that someone else's pain, because that love is the love of compassion. I mean, that pain is the pain that comes with compassion. It's the pain you feel because you love someone and they're in pain. So again, another story I've told is that these morning meetings, 10 o'clock meetings we have here during Sesshin, these are ceremonies. These are ceremonies where we playfully perform Buddha meeting Buddha.

[26:58]

where we playfully perform enlightenment. This is a ceremony time in a ceremony space where we perform the ceremony of helping others. Where we perform the ceremony of others are ourself and we are not others. And I wondered, Luca, did you notice ? Did you see them? I'm wearing my most tattered robes. For you, Luca.

[28:01]

I'm... Well, maybe I'll show you. Maybe you can see a little bit, maybe. Would you turn the lights up in the back? These are the patch marks on this robe. Sometimes when the person's in cardiac arrest at the hospital and they brought him back once and now they say, do you want us to try again? And the family says, no. Don't traumatize him again with those electric shocks. So this robe I'm not going to repair anymore. So it's So we'll see what happens with it.

[29:12]

I'm not going to rip it apart, but it's going to, pretty soon, it's not going to hang on me anymore. And the story I tell is that this robe used to be black, and after I went to the ceremony where I received brown robes, I bleached it. And I weakened the fabric by bleaching it, so then it started to really fall apart fast. Sorry. And this other robot is... I didn't wash this, though. I never washed this one yet. but it's still falling apart.

[30:16]

So that's my stories. Those are my stories. I do not want you to believe them, but I would like you to understand them. If you relax and play with them, I tell you the story that you'll understand. Mr. Darcy Also, he's simultaneously showing us air walk. Just go around.

[31:29]

Just go around. If I live alone, the stage instructions will become more elaborate. I'd like to invite the person who yesterday at lunchtime started to do the meal chant when the kokyo was starting in the midst for a playful ceremony of reconciliation.

[32:44]

If that person is here and willing to come and play. Well, look who it is, of all people. It was very powerful for me to stop and to have doubt. I had great doubt. I wanted, yeah. I didn't know. Yeah. So I thought we could finish what we started. And you have to do the, we reflect, and I could do in the midst at the same time. Okay. Since we both stopped, you know, just to see what it would sound like.

[33:48]

Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. Keep talking, Rosie. One more. We reflect on the updates that are out as we consider how our son's choice. We reflect on our future life, whether we are worthy of this or not. We are worthy of this or not. ...such as greed, we regard this as good medicine to sustain our life. For the sake of enlightenment, we now receive this good. But this is for the great... I can't afford more manufacturers. Finally, for me, it was good to have a t-shirt.

[34:50]

Cody thought, but I'll wear all the queeners. Now I'm low-key desh for a dollar. The second vote is to celebrate all good. The third is to sing sutrayans. May we all rise up. Come on, Martin. Yes, again, this morning meal of Planet Benefit is filling us with ease and joy. You know, Rosie, I was really, I'm deeply touched that your training has carried on, even though you haven't been around here for seven years, that your years of practice made it possible for you to do that performance.

[36:34]

And, of course, you too, Susan, you both need more practice. So that you can do that even while the other person's without... And so not only will you be able to continue, but that your song will leap beyond itself. So you need to keep practicing that, Rosie, so you have to come back more often. Yeah, please, see, this is the thing, the power of learning the form is that you can do it when people are pushing you off a cliff. And when they push you off the cliff, then you sing it the way you never could sing it before. But you have to train so that you don't, like, flinch, you know. so that you can move into the other dimension.

[37:37]

But you need the training. Otherwise, will I be able to, in this new world, will I be? Then you lost it. So very good. Yes, to you. Thank you for the opportunity to come here. As very often, this is for me a great opportunity to be with my pain, standing in front of people and talking. And I'm always very grateful that in this surrounding here I can practice this. I wondered actually when you said, like, you should not, you should not if what I meant, what I'm doing when I'm coming here, actually, and... I'm not saying you shouldn't look more, don't try to select it or, you know, don't try to choose your pain.

[38:51]

Yeah, right. And it would feel easy for me, like, if you would ask the people to come here, but me going there is always... I'm questioning, like... am i going here and is that i'm trying to expose myself to pain so is that something reaching out for for standing the pain or practicing with it or is that okay if if you would ask the people to come here and well i have a suggestion yeah that you come forward when you feel like you want to give us a gift When you feel like, I'd like to give something to the Sangha. I'd like to bring the Sangha a gift. Not so much, you know... I think that would help. You'd approach it that way. Yeah, that sounds good. But, yeah. What did you give?

[39:58]

My gift is to... And... making the ceremony of being less and less with my pain while I'm standing here and talking to you. Less and less with your pain? Or more and more with your pain? I'm more and more with my pain, and the sensation gets less and less. Yeah, see, that's the trick, is that once you find out that the more you're with your pain, that it will disappear, then you start to be with your pain to make it disappear, and that's not being with it. So that's one of the tricky things that happens. That's one of the... When you're playing with your pain, it disappears. You can't find it anymore. So then you start to try to play with it to make it disappear, but that's not being playful. The spirit of play is, I want to continue playing with my pain forever, but oops, I can't find it. So it's complicated.

[41:03]

But that often happens that people tell me that they relax with the pain and then it goes, they can't find it anymore. That's why it's okay. Thank you. I know some other beings like that a lot, like yesterday evening. Usually, actually, in the evenings and in the mornings, these come to me here from the... I don't know if you realize, too, these little ones with buzz and bite. They like me a lot, actually. They always visit me. I don't like them too much. Do you love them? Uh... I tried yesterday evening a bit. I played with them actually. Did you love them?

[42:05]

Did you relax with them before you started playing? Not fully. Yeah, that's dangerous. Try to relax before you start playing with them. Yes, Tenshin Roshi. I actually was trying, when I was on the cushion, I was remembering the story of that monk which is escaping some sort of terrorist in the world or so. And he's sitting in his little room and on his cushion. And they chase him and try to find him and then they see only this pine needle trick. Do you remember that story? Or do you know more? So they come in and they find only this pine needle twig.

[43:10]

And I remember that story, and then I thought like, oh, let's try that. Pine needle twig. Yeah, so I said in my question, just pretend to be a pine needle twig. Is that right? Twig you mean? Yeah, twig, like, yeah. A pine twig. Yeah. And actually it worked for a while. And the mosquitoes pretended to be vegetarian and sucked, still suck me so. They wanted to sit on the pine branch? Yeah, they loved the pine trick. They wanted to. And I turned into this iron bull part, you know. And then they actually didn't bite me anymore. But, I mean, not in the head. They bite me in the feet then.

[44:11]

So I think I spent enough time here, of your time. Thank you very much. And I'd love to come back at one point. Thank you. I vow to use every meaning, every living beings and things for realizing the truth.

[45:49]

I would like to meet you all outside of the room. And use the microphone in a horizontal way, as shown yesterday. And sing a song. Just like this. Did you say you can use it in a horizontal way? Yes. That's not horizontal. That's vertical. That's diagonal. That's horizontal. Yeah, that's right. That's getting closer to horizontal. You want to do horizontal? Yes. This is horizontal. This is what Doug and Zenji learned in Japan. In China, excuse me. Yeah, that's looking good.

[46:58]

Oh no, no more pie. Pie are sweet. Oh no, no more cry. Cry are sour. Please stand so, please stand so, so close to me. Please stand so, please stand so, so close to me. Your students told me that you started to practice as Zen because you have an activity for when you get old.

[48:04]

Well, I have at least two activities I've decided I'm going to continue to do throughout my old age. And one of them is my advanced yoga practice. And I've been meaning to ask, or not ask so much, but to discuss the relationship between my yoga practice and Zazen, or Zen practice, since I got here in Gulch in September. But I've held off from asking because it seems so trivial to ask it, and in some ways I feel that I've already figured out the answers to my question. Please tell me. Well, I agree with what Buddha says, at least according to a book called What the Buddha Taught, in the section of the book that discusses the mind culture or cultivating the mind and the process of doing that by engaging the body, the body-mind,

[49:25]

integration. And in that book it described that, well, I'll just cut to the chase. Buddha doesn't consider mystical states produced by whatever activity, including yogic practice, as essential to enlightenment. because what it does is simply leave one in life, as opposed to the other type of meditation that involves the body, which I think in the book was referred to as, quote, Buddhist meditation, end quote. And that type of meditation leads to realizing the nature of things.

[50:33]

And although Buddha was purported to have achieved the highest levels of mystical yogic experiences, I believe I have achieved that to some level, but yet I don't feel that it's the ultimate. Or I don't believe that it's... I can't even articulate it. But it definitely has helped me because, well, I do know that since I've been practicing advanced yoga, It's allowed me to be more open to ambiguity, broader lessness, to accept help from others, which I generally have difficulty with, to love pain, which I'm very good at doing, and to even brokenness.

[52:01]

But I would like to add Zazen to my list of things that I want to do when I get old. But I have to admit that since I've been sitting here since September, will not continue my visit. There's not one moment while I sat when there's no activity in my mind or that I was able to follow my breath. I have a very active and energetic mind and it seems like this type of body-mind activity doesn't balance the activity in my mind. There are only about, I think, two activities that do that for me and one of them is practicing advanced yoga. if you're aware of some of those, they call asanas, yoga poses that we do in yoga classes.

[53:08]

If I don't pay attention, I would literally fall on my face. And I would be happy to demonstrate a few of them here, but I don't have the right carb. But maybe I can do one that's not inverted. We actually have a pose called chair. It's a sitting pose. Can I demonstrate that? Actually, could I say something? Of course. I think that in some sense the relationship between so-called zazen and yoga is that they're both yoga practices. Zazen is a yoga practice, but the zazen of this school is In some sense, it's the way of practicing yoga. For example, in sitting in this room or in doing asanas you're finding helpful, it would be to practice those asanas.

[54:13]

For example, if you were doing some of those asanas which you find helpful, it would be zazen if you practiced those in such a way that you had no attachment to them. even though they're beneficial. And that you would welcome them to come, and you would welcome them when they want to go. So that would be, the form would be the asanas you're referring to, but the thing that would make it Buddhist meditation would be that there would be no attachment to the state. If you're in an excellent yogic state and there's any attachment to it, then it's not really in accord with the ceremony of Buddha's meditation. But if you're in an excellent state of body-mind balance and you have no attachment to it, and you're happy to give it away to others and you're doing it for the sake of others and you realize why that yogic posture if you realize in that state that you're doing it together with all beings and that all beings are yourself and you realize that you can't find this posture that you're so happily performing then what you're doing is Buddhist

[55:39]

Similarly, if you're sitting and not balanced and not able to follow your breathing and total wreck, yogically speaking, and you have no attachment to that and no aversion to that, it's the same practice. If you're sitting and not able to follow your breathing and you don't feel balanced, but yet even when you're not balanced, you're completely settled with not being balanced, with being a yogic wreck. and you love that state the same way you love these excellent yogic states that you're in in the asanas than in the yogic state of the Buddha mind. So Zen is like a place for you to come and see if you can settle with yogic catastrophe, yogic failure. such as not being able to become, such as being off balance, such as falling over on your face?

[56:43]

Can you be relaxed and playful in that state? And also, can you practice yoga postures where you're perfectly balanced and feeling totally joyful? Can you practice that and completely be playful with that, including that you're not holding on to that wonderful state So when you're in a terrible yogic mess, not concentrated at all, your mind's extremely busy, can you love that? And can you show others? Because you love it, how to love it. And also if you meet some people who are really good yogis, can you teach them how to love their yogic state? Not like their yogic states. Because many yogis are really attached to their yogic states. They do not know how to love their yogic states. They already know how to grasp So the zazen student, zazen teacher, can teach the great yogis, like the Buddha was before he learned how to practice yoga in the new way, he could teach the yogis that he used to practice with how not to be attached to their yogic state.

[57:59]

Would you consider that I'm attached to... Consider what? Would the following example be, it's not just an example, but actually what I experienced, be as an attachment to my yogic state. Outside of Green Gulch, I'm generally far more lively, happier and joyful, centered. Many people are like that, by the way. Good. This is called the Green Dragon Cave here. We go down into Green Gulch. Yes, please continue. But I believe the reason... is I haven't been practicing yoga. And it's not just yoga, it's just with a specific teacher, like Brian Kest in Santa Monica in L.A., for example. It's a specific kind of yoga. It's flow, level three or beyond level three. You're dripping, you're... And I've taken some classes here, but they really didn't do anything for me.

[59:07]

Okay. And maybe this is premature for me to say, there's one more day of Sashin and I haven't done any practice period yet, but sitting all day, day after day, is a piece of cake for me. It hasn't distracted me from my thoughts and I don't have to concentrate. Yeah, well, this is a... What I hear you say, let me see if I got what you said, is that when you're not at Green Gulch, when you're practicing yoga more, you're more lively and happy. Right? And then when you're here and you don't practice yoga that way, you don't feel so lively and happy as you do when you're doing more yoga. Is that correct? Correct. And I also don't feel like I'm one with all. Yeah. So when you're practicing this yoga, you feel you're one with all, So, zazen is that if you're in such a state that you described where you're lively and happy and balanced and feeling one with all, zazen is that you give that away.

[60:19]

If that happens, if you get into such a situation, such a wonderful situation, zazen would be to give that away. What do you mean by give it away? How do I give it away? Well, like, don't possess it. Don't be possessive of it. And another way to give it away would come... Because that would entail giving it away, leaving it on the other side of the hill. And then when you come to Green Gulch and you're in a state where you're not lively and not happy and not feeling at one and not balanced, then you give that away. to go and practice yoga over the hill. To abide in a state of excellent yogic concentration and bliss and oneness is not our way. Our way is not to abide in such a state. But if such a state comes, we say, welcome, darling. When it goes, we say, it's been great knowing you.

[61:23]

Good luck. And when a monster, a yogic monster comes, all out of balance and leaking energy and totally depressed and feeling separate from everyone, when that comes we say, please come in. We've been waiting for you, darling. Please sit down. ...all beings is to have no abode. And practicing asanas may help you settle into the place where you won't abide. So it's non-abiding, non-attachment, so that we can go into realms where people are miserable, off-balance, don't know how to practice yoga, totally distracted, totally frightened, and teach them how to be, and, you know, joyfully enter this miserable situation and play with them. Play with

[62:25]

depressed, miserable, not at one, off balance, play with that. Now, of course, in order to play with that, you have to be balanced and settled and at ease. You've got the perfect situation. You've got off balance, not so happy, not so energetic. Now, if you can be at ease with that, then you can help other people who are in that situation to learn to be at ease. Now, one way to do that would be to be a yoga teacher and... I'm just saying one... Did you say no? No, I don't want to be a teacher. The one way for you would be to be a yoga teacher. I just want to be a yogini. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Give up being a yogini and be a yoga teacher. No, see, now that resistance, that's not zazen. You should say, okay, I'll be... What is it you want me to be? I'll be it. Of course, you're just kidding, but you say so.

[63:28]

You're just pretending that you'll be a yoga teacher. But that will help you realize what the Zen thing is, to realize when you're practicing these yoga prostrates, you're just pretending to be a yogini. You're not really a yogini. Buddha, when Buddha's being Buddha, the great teacher, he's pretending to be a Buddha. It's a fiction he's presenting to help people. Okay, I'll be Buddha. Helps people. What we've been chanting every day is Buddha saying, that's just a show. I just do that so people can see me. I'm not really that way. I'm not a yogini. I'm not a Buddha. That's what a Buddha is. You can't grasp it. It has no fixed referent. This is what Zazen's about. You're not suggesting I give up my yoga practice, though, do you? I'm suggesting you make your yoga practice a donation to all beings.

[64:30]

That's what I'm suggesting. But after you give it away, then you can have a yoga practice. Always give your yoga practice away. I'm suggesting not that you don't practice yoga. I'm suggesting that you do not possess your yoga practice. I have a related question. There's no place here for me to practice the kind of practice. And in fact, when I started as a guest student, my roommates and I were talking about that, Green Gulch, this whole environment doesn't provide the schedule as well as there's no room in the schedule or any opportunity to do any physical activity. Your definition of Green Gulch is not the same as my definition of Green Gulch. My definition of Green Gulch includes the whole world. So Green Gulch does provide a place for you to do the kind of yoga you want to do.

[65:35]

You just have a limited idea of Gringotts. Can I expand that? Thank you. You're welcome. Gringotts provides all services in the universe. You receive them. And you're even welcome to possess them, but possessing them is not the bodhisattva way. Okay, I'll stay here. I failed the mosquito test, but before I failed it, I was making a gift to them.

[66:54]

I proposed that they could have Leave this little bit of blood that they wish to take from me. And then I made a request, which was that perhaps they would not leave a large itchy welt behind, a toxic welt behind. And that part seemed to work pretty well. But then I became impatient with their tick to, you know, flick them away. But they seem to listen a little bit. I didn't get any itchy welts, so that might help somebody. Congratulations. And I wanted to say, a couple of days ago, you told me about the, is it myoi or nyoi? The Japanese way of saying it is nyoi. Nyoi. The Chinese way is brui. Brui, okay. The nyoi. Manjishi is holding a nyoi in her hands right now. And the story you told me about it included that it's an aristocratic China, I believe, was that people who were so elevated in an aristocratic sense that they could not be touched would extend the nyoe as a way of being.

[68:18]

Could not be touched by commoners. So they'd hold up the nyohe and the commoners could touch the nyohe as a point of contact. Exactly. And I was reflecting on that and imagining a story for why Manjushri would be holding the nyohe. And part about the shamans, which you also told me. But I imagined that Manjushri as the bodhisattva of wisdom and the wisdom of emptiness has this that the nyoi becomes the point of contact for what we can't contact, the thing that we can touch that we can't, that is there, that we can touch, that's a gift from what we can't touch. And as on that, I felt like we are all these nyois.

[69:24]

And I just wanted to bring that out. Yeah. May we all be nyois. May we all be nyois together. Thank you. I've come up to do dharma combat with you. OK. I think that the things Excuse me. Let's try again, see if she can hear you. Okay. I think that the things you've been expounding this week are pretty screwy. And most of all, your insistence on ceremony, that zazen is ceremony, that enlightenment is ceremony, that exact transmission of the Buddha mind is ceremony.

[70:35]

And maybe it's because it's the bread and butter of priests. What's a priest without ceremony? But none of these things are... They're before ceremony. They're unrehearsed. They're things that happen spontaneously out of the deepest impulse. And zazen, I mean, it's ceremony if you want to say that you bow before you sit down and you bow when you stand up. But, you know, big deal. In the middle of it is something else. And to say that, say Buddha gave Milarepa a rose. To say what? Talking about the transmission of the Bodhi mind as ceremony. Well, there's a tradition that Buddha gave Nalaripa a rose, and at that moment he was awakened.

[71:38]

Mahakasyapa. So then you could say, well, now let's just hand out roses. That's our ceremony, that's our tradition. All priests will hand out roses. Well, it's something that happened at that moment between those two just then, the roses had nothing to do with it, and yet the rose was all of it, you know, it was a sign. This is an add-on, it's an after effect, it's not the core at all. Well, the handing him the rose, you know, and the Buddha looking at him He held up the flower and looked at it and looked and winked. And then Mahakasyapa smiled like you did. That was the ceremony. I'm calling that a ceremony. But why? Why call it a ceremony? Because an idea has importance if it

[72:45]

Being true or false makes a difference. Like the general theory of relativity, you could say, I mean, what the hell, who cares? But if you get... It's very important. The general theory of relativity is a ceremony. Oh, come on. It's an enactment. It's a performance of reality. Well, I understand... putting the incense in the bowl. You know, it's something you learn. You do it over and over again. I mean, that's ceremony, but... And I'm saying that Einstein, sitting there in the patent office in Bern, was performing a ceremony of enactment of performing reality. And he'd write it down. And that was his enactment of bringing the laws of physics into a form.

[73:51]

which other people could come and practice and test and criticize. Well, what I was going to say is that if the idea makes no difference whether it's true or false, then what use is it? And your idea that this is ceremony makes no difference whether it's true or false. I mean, I can see it. I didn't say it doesn't make any difference. I said the ceremony is... fictitious representation in play. It's a playful, fictitious representation of truth. Just like the theory of relativity is not the laws of physics, it's a fictitious representation of it. But it can be tested. And you can test the ceremony, like to see if I can be playful with you. You can test it because I put the law into a form that you can come and test. That's why at the ceremony, rather than me just saying the truth, I'm not saying the truth, I'm putting the truth into a form that you can criticize and test.

[74:59]

That's why I see what we're doing right now as a ceremony in acting what's important, the truth. Yeah, I'm kind of getting the cheer. Yeah, right. Thank you, Michael, for coming. I don't, my body is feeling what I call scared, but actually not relating to feeling scared somehow.

[76:19]

I don't have this experience. I wanted to share a moment of celebration with everybody. but I didn't have like a particular thing in mind. So, one, two, three. Oh yeah, I forgot to say that part, thank you. I think, you know, multiple heads are really, you know, much more complete than one. I was really blown away by something you said to Haley, which somehow in 10 years of studying with you, I don't think I ever got before, when you said, I think it was Haley, when you said, When you said that you could be a completely unconcentrated and not in a yogic state and all those other unattractive things that you said, and that if you welcome that and love that, then

[78:01]

or that would be Zazen. I don't think I ever really got that before. And since that's how I spend a lot of my sitting time, I thought, well, you know, maybe I have a chance. Yeah, this is the universal vehicle. Well, I'm just sort of blown away by that. I actually had gotten to a place where I was not feeling that anymore, or not very much, or at least not enough to keep me from talking about it. Or at least not enough to prevent you from hearing what I said. Mm-hmm. Well, that's all. That's all. That'll do, pig.

[79:03]

Pig? Yeah. You know that movie? Babe? Oh, yeah. After Babe performs a national miracle, his lover says, that'll do, pig. After my father did the S training? Your father did S training. And I went home to visit, and I asked him how it was, and he said, It really didn't make any difference, Janie. I'm like, you know, nothing changed. And there's this pause. And then he says, I just now, and I didn't before. It's a true story. He really meant it. He didn't think it was any big deal. I appreciate the Dharma combat guy.

[80:12]

There you are. Because my question or my gift, maybe, I want to argue. I find I argue in my head a lot, like it's this thing that keeps happening. And I'm not feeling too worried about it right now, because we've had so many wonderful performances, so I guess I'm feeling it's not really active. But I spent a lot of time, especially on the cushion, having an argument. I'm not quite sure how to play with it. I feel like... Do you know how to relax with it?

[81:38]

Can you relax with the argument? Like a little bit. Yeah. Arguments are sometimes challenging to our relaxation. But I would encourage you to relax with the argument. And if you can relax with it, it is possible to relax and be settled in the middle of an argument. So tango dancing is relaxing in the middle of an argument. Yeah. So then when you're relaxed, you can play. And then when you can play, then you can try to come and try to have an interaction with another person to see if you can relax and play with that. Yeah. So please see if you can allow yourself to relax even when an argument is going on in your mind. I would encourage that. I don't mean to argue with you.

[82:45]

And you don't mean to argue. You're welcome to argue. Would you like to argue? Okay, yeah. You're welcome to argue. Are you arguing now? I think so. Okay, good. But I feel like I can... And I sort of intellectually get it, but I haven't felt relaxation around the argument in my heart yet or something like that. You know, it's like the sort of... Womb. Yeah, it's still sort of there, you know. And I play with it, but it... The womb? Yeah, the womb. Okay, now bring your heart close to my womb here. Okay. Okay. Now try to meet that wump with relaxation. Try to relax into that. Wump. Much wump here, thank you. Yeah, I think try to bring that part of your body

[83:48]

bring that forward to kind of meet the... to bring that and touch that with that part of your body and see if you can relax in that place, okay? Okay. A little bit there just now? It may have been the sheer comedy of it, but it gives me something to remember. Yeah, all right, all right. So I have a question. Is pain love?

[84:52]

Is pain love? I'll think about it. But before I... I'm happy to ask that question. But I feel confident. I really feel confident that loving pain is the Buddha way. Whether the thing is love or not, I want to learn to love it. And I think that in learning to love it, I will also come to understand it. We have to love the thing before we can save it. That's my faith. Yes, I think that pain is a wonderful gift.

[85:55]

Pain is a wonderful gift. Difficulty is a wonderful gift. Suffering beings are wonderful gifts. And if we can welcome them, we will understand who they are. And when we understand who they are, that understanding will help them. But do we necessarily need to understand them? We do need to understand them because understanding them is helping them. Understanding that I'm you is what helps you. Thank you. You're welcome. Understanding that there's no beings to help is what really helps beings. But you have to love them before you get that understanding in a true sense. And that thing did not get recorded in the audioly.

[87:10]

You need a DVD of that kind of stuff. I'd like to share the story of the first Zazen instruction I received. And I'd like to know if you could correct or add to the instruction I received. Okay. Could you hear that? To share the story of the first Zazen instruction I received, and I'd like for you to correct or add to the instruction. I think the instruction I received is quite related to what you've been teaching us this week. So the story is that I was in Los Angeles. I was in Shuji. And I was with my friend and teacher, Sunny. And we were probably close to being late And so we were sitting down and we were taking our shoes off and she said, you're going to go in there and keep turning to the right.

[88:27]

And when you sit down, you're going to notice that your nose is going to itch a little. And then your ear, you're going to want to scratch. And then about ten minutes into it, something's going to start to hurt. And just settle down and don't move. Did Sonny give you that instruction? Mm-hmm. I think it was Sonny and Sonny's practice. Mm-hmm. Would you add to it or correct it? Yes, I will add to it. Please watch me for the rest of my life. I love Shure microphones.

[89:52]

They're great. But I don't really like cordless microphones because there's a small delay sometimes. There's a delay from the mic to the receiver. So it depends on what you want to do with it. If you wanted to speak to an audience, it's good. If you want to beatbox, it's not so good. And I wouldn't do it right now. These speakers are quite small. But what I wanted to share, I wanted to share some words that I wrote, that I wrote down. But also I wanted to ask to say that one of the causes of pain, pain may be a result of grasping to or clinging to comfort.

[90:56]

Is that accurate? Some pain. It's called suka duka. Suka duka. I like that. It's cool. It really rolls off the tongue. So I wanted to share some words that I wrote down on a piece of paper. after I went to see a man who I never really met in person, name was Michael Sawyer, and he was laying in his bed up at Emily's house, and walking down the path from the house, I just thought this came to my head, so. Unknown teacher, where do you abide? Body still? travel with the wind. Roses bloom when the time is right. Unknown teacher, where do you abide?

[92:09]

Bodies still travel with the wind. Roses bloom when the time is right. You're being upstaged. He's very good at it. I wanted to speak to Michael in regard to what he was talking about.

[93:13]

Want to turn and talk to him? Okay. I'll sit over here. And what you were saying this week, the whole thing is ceremony. Everything is nothing. It's not ceremonies. The whole thing. And when it rains, a piece of grass, and the grass engages the rain, and it's a ceremony of greeting. And the grass bends, and the rain does its thing. And the rain goes onto the ground. And the ground does its thing. And they meet. And it's all Orioki. The whole thing. The whole thing is Orioki meeting, greeting, and manifesting this. And it's just the entire process.

[94:16]

And that's why it's pretty awesome. So I appreciate your teaching this week on ceremony. It's really important to me. I'd like to make a confession. I made a vow a while ago in front of you that I... Maybe you should sit in front of me when you confess then.

[95:54]

I made a vow to be with you. To not turn away? Yes. And I confess I'm able to do that. Have you been feeling like you're turning away? Yes. Pretty much the whole time I've been with you. And yet you made a vow not to turn away. And I've been noticing, I think, that the reason I'm turning away is that it's painful for me to be around you. Yeah. And it's hard for me to relax with that pain.

[97:16]

Yeah. So what about the vow? I renew it. You renew it? In front of all these witnesses. Can I help you with it at all? Please. In a particular way you'd like to ask? Please help me relax with this painful relationship. Is there anything I can do that will help you relax with this painful relationship? I don't know. You don't think nothing occurs to you right now? Relax with this painful relationship? If I'm suffering, please accept that.

[99:05]

I vow to welcome your suffering and relax with your suffering and be playful with your suffering. Will you allow me to relax and be playful with your suffering? That might be difficult. Maybe I'll check to see if you're ready for me to play with your suffering before I really get into it. I think that would be wonderful. Thank you. You're welcome. I don't know if it would help Thank you. And Rachel, it might be helpful for you to know that other people find their relationship with me painful, too, and have trouble not turning away.

[100:19]

Does that help you at all? No. Do you want me to live a long time so you can keep testing your bowel? Yes, but I don't think either of us have any control over that. That's right, but I just wondered. Because if you want me to, I'll go away. Even though I'm not in control.

[101:25]

So I better hurry up then, huh? No, don't hurry up. Just tell me if you want me to live a long time so you can keep working on this painful relationship. I don't understand what you mean. I mean, do you want to get away from this painful relationship? No. Okay. And yet you are going away to tazara, aren't you? Mm-hmm. But that's not why. I know. I know. But I'm not sure if I know the reason why you're going, since it's not to get away from me. It's the reason to go. To sit a lot of zazen. And what's the point of that? I want to find out. They are intentional, equally external.

[102:51]

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