May I say something I said before? Avlokiteshvara Bodhisattva, when practicing deeply the perfection of wisdom, saw that all the patterns of experience are empty and thus relieved all suffering and distress. So the seeing of is what liberates beings from suffering and distress. And then he says, he says, Shariputra, Shariputra is a Buddhist disciple he's talking to,

[01:02]

Form is emptiness. And what I'm emphasizing during this retreat is form is emptiness. The commentary on that is disciplined form is emptiness. Form for me is emptiness. And for me, form is something I love. So loved form is emptiness. First you love things, then you realize they're nature and they're saved. Before we can realize the ultimate truth, we have to love the relative truth of form, feeling, and so on. Disciplined form is emptiness. Disciplined feeling is emptiness. Loved form is emptiness. Feeling is emptiness. Love, pain, is emptiness.

[02:06]

And seeing the emptiness relieves the pain. Loved pleasure is emptiness. And seeing the emptiness of pleasure releases the pleasure. Okay? I said that before, right? I said it again. So now you have it, please take care of it. And then there was a question brought up about, what was it about? About the bodhisattva initiation ceremony, the ceremony of receiving the triceps and so on. So again, I said earlier in the retreat that the central ritual of Zen is what?

[03:33]

Helping others? The central ritual of Zen is enlightenment. The central ritual of Zen is sometimes said to be sitting so the central ritual is a form of sitting but again that rich central ritual means the central thing that we love we love the sitting posture loving the sitting posture we realize emptiness Yeah, that's what I said. The central ritual of Zen is enlightenment.

[04:35]

The central ritual of Zen is helping others. The central ritual of Zen is sitting. It's sitting which is helping others. It's helping others by sitting. And the not so central ritual, but pretty central, is walking. And walking is a ritual enactment of helping others. Walking is a ritual enactment of enlightenment. That's a pretty central ritual. And then we also have another sort of ritual of eating. Eating as a ritual is eating to enact enlightenment. Eating for the sake of others. Like this morning you had breakfast and some of you ate your breakfast for the sake of all beings.

[05:37]

Did you notice? Sitting for the sake of other beings? So that's a ritual. And then if you practice eating that way, you realize the form of eating is emptiness. Now we also have another ritual which is not exactly central. It's kind of one of our biggest rituals. It's kind of our most elaborate ritual in some sense. It's a ritual of initiation through the precepts. So it's a formal way of entering into the Buddha way. And then there's a book about this.

[06:39]

It's called Being Upright. And it's structured on this ceremony. The book is, yeah, it's basically structured on the parts of this ceremony. There's also a simpler little pamphlet on the ceremony which you can also have if you'd like. You could email Connie at sfzc.org and if you'd like to have one of these just a brochure or pamphlet on the ceremony, she can send it to you, right? She can email it to you if you'd like to have that description.

[07:41]

So it goes through the ceremony with a little comment on the different parts. And then the book, Being Upright, is a more extensive discussion of the precepts in the context of the ceremony of receiving them. So in this room there are people who have already gone through the bodhisattva initiation ceremony and there's a number of other people in the room who have asked to go through it and are moving towards entering the gate. Actually, in one of the comments on that ceremony, I mentioned something that someone said. It's like, in the ocean there's, under the water in the ocean there's a gate. It's called the dragon gate. And when fish swim, they come out the other side as dragons.

[08:43]

And that's a metaphor. You could use that as a metaphor for bodhisattva initiation. When sentient beings go through the gate of the bodhisattva initiation, they go in as sentient beings and they come out as bodhisattva sentient beings. Bodhisattvas are sentient beings too. They're not Buddhas. but they're on the path to Buddhahood. They've entered the path. So there's a number of different types of bodhisattva initiation. Bodhisattva initiation in the school called Soto Zen is the one that I'm practicing and describing. It's a way to enter formally. Now some of you have not have not passed through this gate, but I think you feel like you're already practicing the Buddha way. But as I mentioned before a number of times, as you get more intimate with something, you need more formality in order to love this thing.

[10:10]

Get that principle I'm suggesting? You can love people pretty nicely. Be patient with them when they're pretty far away. When you don't feel intimate with them, it's easier to be patient. And even gracious, like, I welcome you if you're 95 feet away. You're welcome. How about... How about two inches away? So as people get closer, as we start to more vividly and intensely realize our intimacy, I suggest we need more formality to contain and be able to stand the intensity of the intimacy. otherwise we can get agitated and frightened and not be able to remember to be and welcoming and patient and gentle and non-violent and not overbearing with this thing that's coming at us we need to be able to say we need to be able to say I need you to step back two feet

[11:38]

I need you to take a bath. I need you to take a nap. I need you to eat lunch. I need you to let me have lunch. I need you to let me make this telephone call. Formal boundaries are needed as you get closer. My wife has given me a number of boundaries. Some of them are in the public domain. The most famous one being right after we got married, she said, I don't know if she said rule or what, but she said right after we got married, she said no hitting. What she meant was no me hitting her. And I said, okay. And I haven't hit her. It's a boundary she set up. Consequences.

[12:41]

If you hit me, I'm out of here. She said, I may still love you, but I won't be around anymore. A boundary she set up because we were entering into a commitment to be intimate. And that intimacy, that boundary helps so she can stay there because she's not going to get hit But I also mentioned that I didn't tell her she couldn't hit me. So she does. But I don't mind, because she's, you know, kind of a heavyweight, and she's a flyweight. So she can hit me pretty hard, and it's really kind of fun for me. And actually, she enjoys it, too. Verbally, however, I have to set some boundaries sometimes. Because her verbal comments evaluate verbally. And I'm kind of a flyweight for words.

[13:47]

So, these precepts, when you formally commit to them, they will help you be more intimate with beings. And some people sensed that, that receiving these precepts would help them be intimate with beings. So Bodhisattva's vow to live for the welfare of all beings, that intimate with them. Being intimate with them and showing them that form is emptiness. being intimate with them and relating to them and relating to yourself, or I should say relating to yourself in such a way that you show them that you know how to love yourself. You want to save all beings? Show them that you can love yourself. You want to save all beings? You want to save one being, all beings? Show each being that you know how to be devoted to yourself and not dwell on yourself.

[14:59]

Show them that you're so kind to yourself that you don't cling to yourself. Transmit the non-clinging that blossoms out of love. Transmit that to them. Intimately. And precepts are teachings to help us be intimate with beings. And the precepts are teachings to help us be intimate with ourself. So studying the self is studying the precepts. So, the precept ceremony is a formal way to enter into self-study. Self-study is a formal way to enter into study of the Buddha way. Okay? That make sense? And then some people sense that and they say, I want to go through that gate. or if they want to go through the gate.

[16:01]

And then I say, well, if you want to go through the gate, then request permission and support to go through the gate. And for some people, it takes them a long time to get the words out. Like they say, I want to receive the precepts. And I say, I hear you. And I say, And I say, if they're talking to me, I say, and when you're ready to request the precepts, you're welcome to do so. And they say, I want to receive the precepts. When you're ready to request, go ahead. It's pretty hard to shift from I want this to would you please give it to me. I want to be intimate with you. Would you be intimate with me? Different. Want to be intimate isn't as open as, it's pretty open, but it's not as open as would you allow me to be?

[17:08]

And when they shift from I want to to may I or will you, they often, tears come to their eyes when they make the shift. So that's one of the early steps in the process where you start to get formal, is you formally ask. And when I first started to be entrusted with the ceremony of transmitting the precepts, there was a snack area in the city center in San Francisco Zen Center where people make peanut butter sandwiches cut themselves some fruit. And sometimes I would be in there making a sandwich and someone would walk in and stand behind me and say, can I start sewing? As part of the process of receiving the precepts, you sew one of these robes.

[18:15]

So they come in and say, can I start sewing? And I came to understand that when they said, can I start sewing, they meant, may I receive the Bodhisattva precepts. They didn't usually come in and say, I want to start sewing, because they're not afraid to say, may I start sewing. It isn't quite as scary a question as, may I receive the Buddhist precepts. May I start sewing isn't quite as scary a thing to ask to do as, may I be Buddha's disciple. Can I start sewing? And I never answered the question in the snack area. I would maybe go a little further and try to clarify. You're going to sew a robe, you mean? And I said, who's the robe for?

[19:22]

Well, for me. Oh, do you mean you want to sew a robe? What kind of robe do you want to sew? One of these. And then are you going to wear it? Yeah. Well, usually we don't give the robe to people unless they have received the precepts. Oh, I want to receive the precepts too. Oh, oh. And I would say, well, maybe we should have a separate discussion about this. Maybe where we actually sit down without the peanut butter sandwich and actually come and ask. Human beings, you know, are, generally speaking, frightened beings. And they don't want to, like, you know, actually, like, come and open their heart up and say, I want to receive... Buddha, would you give them to me? That's a pretty vulnerable thing to say. I want to receive the most important thing in my life.

[20:28]

Would you give it to me? Can I start sewing? Oh, hi. Can I start sewing? See you later. Oh, sure. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. Enter Buddha. Rather than... I want to enter Buddha's way. May I? Would you let me through the gate? And the first step is open up to the Buddha way, if you want to open up to the Buddha way, and do it formally. And then they come and they formally ask. They're afraid, I'll say, no. Or, yes. Or, you know, they're afraid because they're talking about what's most important in their life. And it's just, there's a danger. It's important. you might not be allowed to have it. You might not be, who knows, lots of things we could be afraid of. And so part of it is facing that fear and being calm with that fear and being gentle with that fear and then bringing that frightened person to your place and show that fear if it's there and ask for what you want to ask for and be ready to deal with the consequences.

[21:48]

That's part of receiving the Bodhisattva precepts. This is a gate that you go through, but you go through the... Before you go through the gate, you ask. The fish ask before they swim through this gate. You don't have to ask. But this is a... You do have to ask, because this is a gate of entering into intimacy. And if you want to be intimate with beings, you have to ask them if they're... You have to ask the Buddha if you can come into Buddha's room. of compassion. Buddha is welcoming you. Buddha wants you to come into the room. But Buddha wants you to enter respectfully so you don't miss the awareness that you entered. Otherwise you might walk through and not even realize you entered. No. Here's the gate.

[22:49]

Do you see the gate? Yes. Do you want to go in? Yes. Well, ask. Ask. May I enter the room? Yes, you may. you're welcome step in the formal process may I enter the room of Buddha's compassion and receive Buddha's precepts yes you may you have asked properly you have followed you have Formally, graciously, calmly, gently, patiently, ask, you may enter. And now you may receive more teachings about how to continue in this way. And now you could study these precepts if you want. And you can sew Buddha's robe. And when you sew Buddha's robe, you start, when you sew Buddha's robe, while you're sewing, you recite the first three Bodhisattva precepts.

[23:51]

I take refuge in Buddha. I go for refuge in Buddha. I go for refuge in Dharma. Each stitch, I go for refuge in Buddha. As I stitch, I go for refuge in Buddha. As I stitch, I go for refuge in Dharma. As I stitch, I go for refuge in Sangha. You practice reciting these Bodhisattva precepts while you're sewing Buddha's robe. You sew Buddha's robe, you sew the precepts of Buddha's robe. This is part of entering the gate. and then when you receive the robe and you finish it then you give the robe to the preceptor, the person who is going to give it to you because they are gifts and then that person meditates on giving a name for you, a Dharma name, a Buddha name for you and then when

[24:58]

The name's ready. Then we prepare for the ceremony itself. And then you're invited to come to the temple. And we gather the community together. And some other people may be also coming to receive the name and the precepts. So you have some siblings to do it with. And people who have already received the precepts come and witness your process and they also recommit to the precepts which they've already received. The people who have not received the precepts come and also witness to see what the ceremony is like to see if they want to do it and to witness their friend who's going ahead of them and then we start the ceremony by by making offerings to our Buddhas and ancestors.

[26:08]

And we invoke their presence, we do invocation of their presence, all the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, and our people in our lineage. We invite them to come and witness the ceremony and support the ceremony. And then we practice renunciation. And renunciation is called renunciation of worldly affairs. And worldly affairs means half-heartedness. I renounce being half-hearted. Renounce being unloving. Renounce impatience and stinginess. And not practicing the precepts and not being calm and violence and rough cruelty and overbearingness.

[27:15]

You renounce all that half-hearted stuff. And the way we renounce it is by cutting the hair. For the so-called lay people, we just cut a little bit. It's more like more like a haircut. And for the priests we shave the whole thing, the whole head and the face. That's a symbol of renunciation. So invocation and renunciation, those are two different rituals and part of the big ritual. Actually offerings offerings invocations and renunciation then we give the new name and we give a new and we give the Buddha robe which the person has made with the support of the community and then the people do prostrations prostrations are done through this first part

[28:23]

And then they do prostrations after receiving these name and robe. And then you move into the section of actually receiving the precepts. People then formally request to receive the precepts by all and bowing to the preceptor, saying, please, please give me the precepts. And then the first phase after that is confession and repentance of our ancient karma and also a commitment to this ritual of confession and repentance basically forever. To continue to confess and repent our karmic past to let go of it, to admit it and let go of it in the presence of the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas as an ongoing clearing of our consciousness and opening of our heart.

[29:35]

Then we're ready to receive the refuge precepts, the precepts of going for refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, which are the first three precepts. And then after we receive them, we again repeatedly commit to continue to practice receiving them and continue to practice returning to Buddha, returning to Sangha, returning to Dharma. And then we do the three pure precepts. The first one is to embrace and be embraced by the ceremonies and the forms of practice. The first is to love and depend on these forms. That's the first one. The second one is to love and embrace and be embraced by all kinds of wholesome activities. Next is to embrace and sustain all beings.

[30:40]

and also be embraced and sustained by all beings. So those are the three pure precepts. And then after they're received, again we're repeatedly asked to commit to continue to practice them from now and even after realizing the Buddha body. And then ten major Bodhisattva precepts. the precept of not killing, the precept of not stealing, not taking what's not given, the precept of not misusing sexuality, the precept of not lying, the precept of not intoxicating body and mind or self or others, the precept of not slandering, not slandering, ...slandering others, but you shouldn't slander yourself either.

[31:43]

And not praising yourself at the expense of others. It's okay to praise yourself as long as it praises other people at the same time. ...beings are great. It's okay. not being possessive, not clinging to things. Don't think you own Buddha Dharma. Don't think you own Buddha. Don't think you own the teacher. Don't think you own the Zen Center. Don't be possessive of anything, especially or even. Don't harbor ill will. Ill will is never, almost ever appropriate. Anger can be sometimes helpful.

[32:49]

It's possible. But not wanting ill for someone. Like, I use example in commenting on that one. My daughter went down the street one time and I roared, No! And she stopped and didn't go in the street. And she never again When we walked down the street, she never again sort of just walked towards the street without somebody holding her hand until she was... Now she does. But she doesn't let her little boy do that. And he doesn't. And I also have some stories about that. But anyway, I just yelled. I didn't want to hurt her, I had no ill will, but I wanted her not to go in the streets, so I expressed this ferocious, no, lots of angry energy there.

[33:55]

So fierceness, the fierce energy of anger can be helpful, but not ill will, not wishing someone ill, no. The next one is not disparaging the triple treasure, not disparaging the triple treasure. In terms of our conversation here, don't speak of the triple treasure, don't speak of the Buddha as though the Buddha is an entity, or the Dharma as though it's an entity, or the Sangha as though it's an entity. The Sangha appears a certain way, ...to say it's the way it appears. The satsanga appears this way but it does not exist the way it appears. It appears as an entity but it doesn't really exist that way. But it does appear like there's a Buddhist community and it's not the same as the Christian community.

[34:59]

Yeah, it does appear that way but it doesn't exist that way. And to say it exists that way is a slander of it. It's a disparaging of it. It's a limiting of it. It's making it a small thing and saying that it really is that small thing. So those are the 16 bodhisattvas which we receive. And then after the 10 too, we say, abiding according to these 10 major bodhisattva precepts from now on and even after realizing the Buddha body, will you continuously observe them? will you be mindful of them? Doesn't mean you're saying you'll never slip up, but just that you commit to being mindful of them. So when you slip up, you say, I slipped up, and then you go back to confession. So this is the precepts, and then we receive a lineage document which is a chart, having Shakyamuni Buddha's name at the top and all the Indian ancestors coming in his succession, all the Chinese ancestors coming to the Zen school, all the Japanese ancestors, and now there's a few American Zen ancestors down at the bottom of the chart that I give.

[36:28]

And then the person who receives the precepts, their names are written at the bottom. So the whole lineage comes through the person, comes down through your head, and out there. And from there it goes back up to Buddha. So the precept circulates through all the ancestors, through you and back through all the ancestors. This is the blood vein of the precepts. And the document that it's written on is called the blood vein. It means a blood vein of Buddhist precepts. And now the person is initiated into this blood vein. And this is the, you know, very important ritual in our school and the way we enter, formally enter. Again, many of you have already entered Zen practice or the practice of the Buddha way. This is a formal way. This is a way to get more intimate with the precepts, with the lineage, with the practice.

[37:39]

These precepts will help you, if you practice them, be intimate with everyone. So whoever you're with, you practice not killing, you practice not stealing, you practice not lying, and so on. And that's part of loving people, practicing not killing with them. Practice not lying with them. Practice not slandering with them. Practice not being possessive with them. And so on. This is the way to be intimate with people and so intimate that you don't attach. And the more I do this ceremony, the more playful I get. When you first do it, you know, both when you first initiate it, you're trying to remember the ceremony. You know, you're kind of like, you know, you want to do it properly, and you've only done it, you've never done it before.

[38:46]

So it's kind of, well, there's somebody there who's done it before who can guide you, so you don't have to really know it perfectly. And people often do really well. just really well. We just had one recently that did really well. And the preceptor also is sort of, what do you call it, is the master of the ceremony, so the preceptor doesn't miss. Well, the preceptor can have assistants, too, who remind the preceptor as they get older. Master, I think, did you mean to do that? Master, you're drooling. Can I dab your cheek there a little bit? But before Master gets to that point, the Master might remember, and there's a certain place where you actually can remember it, and you remember it so well you can be quite relaxed.

[39:48]

And I've gotten to that kind of place where I remember it so well I'm pretty relaxed. And I have quite a playful time. I do it in a traditional way. I'm not being careless. I'm being careful. I'm being gentle. I'm being calm. I'm trying to. And I can do all those things and also be playful. And relaxed. So that's why you sometimes do these rituals over and over many times before you can perform them so-called according to the form and also relaxed. So when you do them enough times, you say, okay, now I got the form, now relax. Now play. And now understand that hey, the precept doesn't exist, the ceremony doesn't exist as an entity.

[40:51]

So you realize the truth right in the middle of the ceremony. And the ordinees even can join it, and everybody watching can join it. So it's a demonstration of reality right there. And also an initiation. ritual performance. The ceremony is enlightenment. The ceremony is helping others if the people who are there realize that it's not an entity, that all these experiences in the ceremony are emptiness. suffering is relieved during the ceremony. When the ceremony is over, people flip back in to make entities, and at the reception, people are suffering again. The cookies are entities.

[41:54]

These cookies are entities. I can relax with those. But these cookies are entities. Some of those cookies are so delicious that we just can't be kind to them. I'm going to get possessed. Oops. Wasn't that an opportunity for confession and repentance? So that's a short description of the ceremony. It's not a really long ceremony unless there's a lot of people. I did a ceremony one time that had twenty-four people in it and you know when you're doing twenty-four names, twenty-four lineage documents and writing on twenty-four rocks is sometimes unless you actually multiply the time by twenty-four you don't realize how long it's going to take.

[43:10]

So the ceremony was two hours late. Since then I've never been two hours late. Life goes right on time. And at times like that I sometimes think, well, I'm willing to continue living as long as I can do this kind of thing. And when I can't anymore, well, I don't know, maybe I'll check out and get a new body. Start over. So, I think, I feel like you understand how there's this interplay between forms, ritual, forms, and not taking them too seriously, and then they become ritual, and learning the forms well enough so you can relax with them, and be playful with them, and you form to test whether you attach to things.

[44:24]

And so this form, ritual, playfulness is a way to develop compassion and to see if you can be compassionate with these forms and ceremonies without dwelling in them. Because the non-dwelling is the perfect wisdom which helps people. Compassion helps people too, but it needs wisdom to be completed. Our compassion needs wisdom We don't cling to our compassion, so we don't make compassion into a substantial entity.

[45:28]

Because there are no such things, according to the Buddhists. But there are insubstantial things. Insubstantial humans, for example, who are just being instantaneously, fleetingly present and offered to us so we can give our love to them. And again, give our love so fully we realize that what we give our love to is insubstantial and ungraspable, inconceivable, unstoppable. Precious beings Do you feel welcome?

[48:06]

Is there any feedback you'd like to offer to this retreat process? I have a question. Can people hear me? You had touched on pain earlier. And I understand that by accepting the pain and loving the pain, that it'll go away, even if you don't accept it. All pain is fleeting. All glory is fleeting. All pleasure is fleeting.

[49:13]

If you don't accept pain, it's still fleeting. If you do accept it, it's still fleeting. What I'm saying is, if you love pain, you won't dwell in it. Because even pain, before it fleets, if you dwell in it, it explodes in your face. it frightens you. And then you're adversely affected. But if you love pain wholeheartedly, you won't cling to it. And if you don't cling to it, you're bodhisattva. But still, it's going to go away. So what if it goes away? Another one comes, and if you dwell on that, you cause more trouble. So it's the dwelling in pain and clinging to the pleasure. And rejection is a form of clinging. If you love the pain wholeheartedly, you won't dwell in it, you won't attach to it. That's what I'm saying. How do I love the pain when it hurts? How do you love it when it hurts? Well, it always hurts.

[50:17]

That's why it's pain. I call it pain. Pain. How do you love it? Number one, welcome it. Are you ready for me to inflict some pain on you? Are you ready? Pardon? You say if I need to? Well, I don't need to. If you welcome it, how can I resist? If you issue an invitation, you know. But are you ready for me to give you something painful? Are you welcoming it? Okay. Fine. That's what it's like to love pain. What you just did. And were you calm, or else were you calm? Yes, I became more calm. You became more calm, yeah. Welcoming makes you more calm. Now when the pain actually arrives, then you can be patient with it. But it's hard to be patient before it hurts.

[51:18]

Go with it. Like if I start pinching you. Like my grandson, he pinches me. He says, does it hurt? Does this hurt? Does this hurt? Does this hurt? Yes, that hurts. No, no, no, yes. Does this hurt? No. Does this hurt? No. So when the pain starts, you're welcoming the coming of it, and when it comes, you're like, be right there with it and be patient so you don't crush your grandson. And be gentle with the pain and be gentle with the inflictor of pain, the adorable pain messenger. Does that give you some feeling for it? That actually helps a lot. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Hi.

[52:43]

Hi. Earlier this morning, I think you said something like, one must develop or one should have a well-rounded understanding of conventional form or reality before the ultimate truth. So I was going to, I think I still would like to ask you, what is a well-rounded understanding of conventional form? But if I may, try first and then see if I have a grasp of that. I'm sorry, I already answered it. You can just cross that off the list. Okay, on to the next one. No, but you can tell me. I answered it. Do you see my answer? Yes. This is a conventional form. And to practice this on a regular basis, you'll get grounded in this form. Like when you do it a lot, you get more and more grounded in it. And how do you know when it's, your understanding is well, was it well-rounded or well-grounded?

[53:46]

Actually, well-grounded I said, but well-rounded is good too. Roundly grounded. Roundly groundly. So this is a conventional form. And if you practice gassho, you're getting ready for emptiness. That's why it's such an important teaching to children. They're not ready for emptiness. They're not ready for non-attachment. They're too immature. They've got to get more grounded. Okay? Children have to be prepared for the ultimate truth. Like, there's no such thing as mommy. No. That's too much. Even a slight alteration of mommy is too much. But if you teach them to bow to mommy and they keep bowing to mommy and bowing to mommy and bowing to daddy and bowing to brother and sister, as they learn to get more and more grounded in the conventional thing like bowing, their heart starts to open to the fact that there really is no such thing as mommy.

[54:59]

But they need a lot of grounding in... they need to learn to love conventional reality before they can... heart opens enough so that they can let in that conventional things don't exist the way they appear. That was actually the second part of my question with the children and at what stage are they able to make that typically or this transition from sense of self to sense of non-self. For most, about 18. They're almost ready to do it when they're about 10 or 11. And then their intelligence gets radically lowered in the onslaught of hormones. Hormones, then their intelligence gets assaulted by being a weirdo.

[56:06]

So they get a social onslaught if they don't go with the program. And if they do with the program, they get hormonal onslaught. So then when those big hormones come, for them to continue to practice loving, when the intensity gets turned way up, So then after they get kind of somewhat grounded in this intense sea of biological imperatives, around 18 to 20, they can start to like... conventional reality and start bowing again and stuff like that rather than grabbing or punching or, you know, basically competing for reproductive possibilities and stuff like that. You know, they're just suffering so much. Usually, unless they're born highly evolved, they can't stay present through the intensity.

[57:09]

Like I often wish I could be put back into a teenage body and see if I could stay conscious. Wow. Because the things I did when I was a teenager, you know, it's not that easy to be conscious for some of the energy that's flowing. Like, again, like playing football. Like you're sitting across and they go, they hike and you smash into somebody. It's hard to stay present when you actually run hard. Or if you're carrying a ball through the line, you know, to actually go through the line and like actually be present there, you know. It's kind of hard. Or like you come in, you open the door and there's a beautiful girl with kind of like exploding at you. Like, okay, let's be calm here. Welcoming is not too difficult, but calm, gentle. Not grasping. Not grasping. Not overbearing or underbearing.

[58:15]

I'd like to see if I could go back and be put in the male with the male and female teenagers coming at me and see if I can stay present now. I'd like to do it, but it's not that easy to get that kind of transmission. So anyway, they don't have 40 years of practice. Basically, unconscious... teenagers I think are less conscious than ten-year-olds they're a little bit more intelligent in some ways their brains actually in some ways better able to cope in some ways but ten-year-olds just before puberty they're like almost enlightened and then they get this huge challenge and go unconscious Can you, since I have, my older one is eight still, so hasn't yet reached that stage. In this period, what can be facilitated or support this, since he's not ready to be... Send him to Dr. Hansen.

[59:25]

Send him to somebody who will play with him. You can be that person yourself too, but it's harder for you sometimes than for Dr. Hansen, because Dr. Hansen is dressed. Dr. Hansen doesn't need to brush their teeth when they're with Dr. Hansen. Dr. Hansen doesn't have to get them to do their homework. And you don't have to get them to do their homework either. But you sometimes think you do. But you don't. Dr. Hansen knows he doesn't have to. So I don't have to get him to do his homework or practice his piano? You do not have to get him to do any of that stuff. You do not. But you do need, you do need to give them their mother. Because you are and you should give yourself to them. And who their mother is, is someone who would like them to do certain things. But once you tell them you want them to do something, you've done your job.

[60:33]

You don't have to get them to do it. You don't have to control them. You do not have to. And you cannot. But you do need to give yourself to them and you need to honestly give yourself to them and you need to tell them what needs you feel, what desires you have, what requests you feel for them. And you need to give those to them. you need to be a bodhisattva and to teach them the bodhisattva way, you need to give them these gifts with no expectation, otherwise they're not gifts. I, your mother, would like you to do this. I, your mother, want you to do that. Please do this, please do that. And they can feel if you're giving them gifts. They can feel if it's a gift or if it's an attempt to control them. They can sense that. And if you're giving them the gift, and if you're telling them what you want to control them, then that's what they learn. And that's what most kids learn.

[61:36]

They say, she's trying to control me, so I'll fight her. And I'll basically, since she's fighting me, I'll fight her, and I'll basically do whatever I can to win. And, you know, because she's not going to overwhelm me because I've got to live. I love her. She's my mom, but she's not going to kill me. I'm going to kill her. But I don't want to kill her. I don't want to kill her. I just want to control her. And I want to control her because that's what my dear mommy is teaching me. So I'm learning to control. She's trying to control me. I'll try to control her back. And I will say a little bit more. May I? So if they see mommy being generous with them and not trying to control them, they can hardly believe it because they come born as controllers. You only have to teach them to try to control. That's built in. Animal control tactics are built in. So they'll try to control you even if you're not trying to control them.

[62:42]

But as they see you teaching them generosity and gentleness, as they see it, They'll still keep trying to control, to test to see if it's authentic. In other words, is this love really? Does she really love me? Just love me rather than trying to make me into... They're going to test that. And they'll keep testing and testing and testing it to make really sure that it's true love. Not just mommy trying to be a successful mommy for mommy's, you know, resume. And then when they're done with their training, they look back and say, God, she passed every test I gave her. It's amazing. And I learned how to do it. And now I'll practice it. Not while I was with her, because I wanted to keep testing to see if it was true. But now she's a great teacher. She's a Zen master. And now I'm going to practice what she taught me.

[63:44]

But while I was with her, I couldn't practice it because... I wanted to more completely verify that she was authentic, that her love was really not manipulation, but was generosity and gentleness and nonviolence and calm. And you can calmly tell someone, I do not want you to do that. That's me, your mom, saying that. But this is what I do want you to do. I want you to clean your room. I want you to wash the dishes. I want you to do your homework. I want you to learn. I think that's good for you to learn how to do this. I think it's good. I want you to do it. Not controlling them. And some children don't care anything about success in school. They just want to know what true love is. So they're going to do no homework.

[64:47]

and to see if their mother keeps loving them. And if she does, they're going to just keep doing no homework to see if she loves them. And then they're going to be sure that true love is possible. And then not graduate from preschool or whatever, or high school. They're going to flunk out, but they're going to be bodhisattvas. And their intelligence will, you know, be inconceivably, unboundedly brilliant. Because love is, you know, is... is the most important thing. And all their intelligences will be totally unimpaired. Their creativity will be totally unblocked. Look at Albert Einstein. He was autistic too, I heard. But anyway, he didn't go along with the school program. Didn't get good grades. Didn't do what his parents told him to do. But imagine if he had also been taught compassion. Maybe he was, I don't know.

[65:51]

So your job is to teach them compassion as a bodhisattva. And that's what we need in this world. We don't need more age. We've got plenty. We need children who know that their mother loves them and knows what love is because it's been shown to them over and over. And they may do you a favor. They may do it at home. Some kids learn quickly. I'll just do it. I think I'll do what I say because, you know, I actually think it's kind of a good idea what she's suggesting. Once again, if you tell somebody to do something and you're trying to control them, somebody like your child, if they feel you're trying to control them, it's hard. to do it anyway because they first of all they have to rebel against your control so they can't even tell whether they want to do what you're suggesting because they don't like you're going to control them controlling people attempting to control people is disrespectful I say and I'm not trying to control you into believing what I just I'm really not I just want to tell you I think and I did not try to control my daughters

[67:08]

because I respected them. And I still don't because I continue to respect them. And I don't try to control other people because I respect you and also to show that I respect you. I don't have to get you to do your Zen homework. I don't. And if you see that I want you to do it, though, I want you to do it. I've told you what the assignment is. You know what I want, right? I'm not trying to control you to do it, and that's the important thing, is that I told you what I want, I gave you that gift, and I want you to know that I'm not trying to get you to do it, even though I want you to. When you feel that, you've really learned the main point. And then you can apply that attitude towards what I suggested you do if you want to. But even if you don't do what I suggested, maybe you apply it to other things you decide to do.

[68:14]

And that's the same thing. And I'd like you to practice this way with your kids. I'd like you to teach this to your kids. But again, if you feel like you... you know, you get caught and you've got to, like, get them to brush their teeth, then get Dr. Hansen to help you. And even if you... I think you're doing a pretty good job. Still, it's good to get some other bodhisattvas to assist you. People who say, want to play? And really know how to play. Dr. Hansen knew how to play. And he taught me. So it's really nice that my parents thought I was crazy. They were sane enough to send me to him. And maybe they're right, maybe I did have a problem, but anyway, they did me a good turn sending me to him because now I can tell you about Dr. Hansen.

[69:17]

See his transmission? Okay? Okay? Any other things you want to bring forward this morning, this afternoon, this evening? I just want to share that.

[70:29]

Well, you asked me a question yesterday after kind of giving a lot of love. And then you asked me a question which was, were you able to hear any of that? So this is my delayed response to that question. Yes, I did hear that. And I felt and actually have felt this entire retreat nothing but loving from all of you. So I, and at the moment I'm aware that my receiving that is a gift back. And that takes a little bit, it takes some orienting too. So, sorry for the delay. I know that we've been talking about ritual and play.

[71:51]

We've been talking about ritual and play, and this may sound like I haven't been listening, but sometimes I don't know how to play with my children. I mean, you're not talking about this kind of play, or is it just being wholehearted? Sometimes I think it's just being in the moment with them, but what is your opinion? How did Dr. Hansen teach you to play? Well, I think when we were building a model airplane, it would be possible for me, I think, get a little bit attached to getting the airplane done or making sure the airplane didn't get broken. Dr. Hansen could also want to get the airplane done, but if he wasn't attached to getting it done, then he would be making the airplane playfully.

[73:06]

To play a game with the idea of getting it done is not playful. To play a game in such a way that we would like to continue forever, that's playful. So if you notice you're doing something with your kids, like cleaning the room, to get it clean, then that's not playful. But if you're cleaning the room in such a way that your children would like to continue this forever, then it's playful. So you can look to see it. Are you trying to clean it to get it clean, or are you trying to clean it for your children to learn how to play while cleaning the room? They know how to play. in some other arenas, but didn't know how to play cleaning the room, brushing the teeth, getting ready for bed. And they don't know how to do that.

[74:13]

You have to teach them. And so you can hear that when you are doing it in such a way that you would do it forever, that it's... And they would... That's from your side. And if they would agree, Mommy, let's not stop cleaning the room. Let's mess it up again so we can clean it some more. Or, let's go clean your room now, Mommy. Then I think you've touched on playfulness. Because when you're creative, you're willing to continue to be creative because that's life. And then, of course, you understand and you want to continue to understand. You've got to relax with the and interact in such a way that you're not trying to get them done. And the two children can test, can verify that that's your spirit because they would also gradually join this thing of it's not like they want to stop cleaning their room to go outside to play.

[75:24]

or that they want to stop playing outside so they can come in to, they want to finish playing outside so they can come in and clean their room, then they wouldn't be playing outside. So that's one of the things about children, it's like, it seems like there's one endless, the days are endless when they're playful. It's like there's no limit to them. And the parents can get stuck in time zones, and then you're conveying not playfulness, and there's a strong imperative on you with the children to go in this animal-clinging way. But there's another part of you that knows that that's suffering and you'd like your children to learn something else, like being playful. And if you have trouble learning how to be playful, well, this is one person who welcomes you to come and play with him. I can be your Dr. Hansen.

[76:29]

And I can be with you in a way that I'm not trying to get it done. I vow to play with you without getting the playing done. You may walk out of the room, but I didn't feel like we finished. And I'd be willing to continue. And actually, that's the way I want to be with people, is a way. I want to be the way that I'm willing to continue with them. And if I'm with someone in a way that I'm not willing to continue, I need to do it a different way so that I can be playful with it, which sometimes means setting a boundary so I can play. Sometimes you can be more playful when you set a boundary. If I get more serious, you know, for example, between a student and a teacher, sometimes you have to set a boundary so that you can be playful.

[77:35]

And same with the therapist. You have a certain time. It's not an end. You set a boundary of a certain time so you can play for 50 minutes. Wholeheartedly play for 50 minutes in a way that both of you would be happy to continue because there's a boundary. But if there's no boundary, you think, well, it doesn't seem right somehow. And I have to have lunch and I have to go to the toilet. So, but if we've got this boundary, for 15 minutes I can all out play and I'm willing, in such a way that I'd be willing to continue, except that I have to do other things. Does that make sense? Good. Good fortune. Good fortune to you with these kids. Any feedback on that? Well, on the subject of children, when I use the timer with my child, so he'll say, Mommy, let's play.

[79:58]

So I say, okay. I also have in my mind, I have a lot of things in the house that I would like to get done. And so I say, okay, well, mom's going to set the timer. And then when the timer goes off, we'll see where we are. But when the timer goes off, we don't need to go. Mommy wants to go. Yeah, sometimes. But sometimes when the timer goes off, I don't necessarily want to go. Mommy feels conflicted. It looks like, if we're at home, the day looks like we play. Yes, that's a boundary that you give him. Yes. So that you can wholeheartedly play until the thing goes off. Yes. And then he knows at that point we're going to have to deal with this boundary. So you can see now, is she going to be relaxed and playful?

[81:03]

Does she welcome the boundary? Not as an escape, but just as something to deal with. Is she gentle with the boundary? Is she calm with the boundary? Okay. Is she clinging to the boundary? And actually you could come to the boundary and maybe you're not clinging. still say, okay, I'm going to go do something else now. Or you could also come to the boundary and not cling to it and keep playing with them. But you might set up another boundary. Yes, at that point, to set up another boundary, so confusion, he's not confused. So he doesn't spend his name, unless you want to play the game. Let's play the game, Mommy-Son Negotiation Game. Let's play that for 20 minutes. But unless that's the name of the game... No, that's... What, that's what? No, I don't know the negotiation. Well, sometimes you want to play that game. You have a sit-down, like the mafia does. You know, they say, let's have a sit-down.

[82:06]

You know what I mean? That's a term, I think. Let's have a sit-down. In other words, let's talk about how much you're going to pay me in compensation for killing one of my people. But anyway, at some point, at the end of the time, he might say, I want to negotiate for a while about this next boundary. Maybe he's not old enough to do that, but that may come. It will come, I'm sure. So anyway, you come to the boundary and you might be not attached to it. And he may say, can we extend it? And you might say, okay. But set up another boundary. So that in the next period, we can play rather than talking about how much longer, whether we're going to be able to, how long this is going to go on. Because if you don't set a boundary, he may want to spend all his time making sure that there's no boundary. Yes. You say, no, the first thing I'm going to do is just negotiate another boundary. Okay. So I'll give you another five minutes, another ten minutes. Which people do. The kids are playing and say, okay, you've got ten minutes. That often helps them get ready for it.

[83:08]

Transition. This is the time it's supposed to end. They're not ready. Okay, ten more minutes. It works pretty well. Can I tell a story? So I was in the locker room and this man had these three little kids. These little boys, he was trying to get him, after swimming, he was trying to get him to get out of their swim clothes and get into their street clothes and get out of there. And they were like totally not paying any attention to him. They were just having a with their clothes, you know, like playing with their clothes. And he says, okay, you have five minutes. And one of the little boys went, ah! And he says, four minutes, 50 seconds, ah! But it was working, you know, totally having fun as the time went down. Just tragedy after tragedy. Just horror after horror. The time was getting so small. And he was just having a total ball, struggling with time. This guy, two minutes and 50 seconds.

[84:09]

You know, two and a half minutes. Every time he said those, the kid would... But he was gradually, like, changing his clothes. It was as much... going down the water slide, you know. It was really very skillful. And they were playing together. Now, maybe he was a little bit into really like getting them out of there. But anyway, it was pretty good. Yeah. Creative parenting. It's creative. And he wasn't even a parent because it was a whole group of kids. Not all three his. They weren't. I don't think they were his kids. Unless he adopted them all because they were like different, all kinds of races and But they were all boys. It was a boys' locker room. So, agreement, would that be negotiation? Because we do the agreement thing, so I want to watch my Digger video. Okay, well, the agreement is, you know, such and such.

[85:11]

So then we make an agreement, and then he says, okay, to that we look each other in the eyes, and then at the end of the video, we need to go, whatever, get dressed, brush teeth, and then if he's... Now, I think we need to go, I would say. We need... Oh, what did I say? You said, now we need to go. I would say, now I think we need to go. Don't be afraid of him, allowing that this is really what you think. That you need to go. Or according to our past agreement, we need to go. Okay. But you can start talking to him in a little bit more gentle language, like actually saying, this is a reality that we need to go. Mommy thinks we need to go, or Mommy wants to go. Mommy feels she needs to go, rather than really we need to go. I would suggest you experiment with a little softer, less absolute language. Okay? What's happening?

[86:12]

Okay. I just love this. I just feel so good to be here with all of you practicing. It's incredible. Yeah, just do the beautiful. And share this with Carter. I mean Carl. Carl. Yeah. Carl Alter. Share this with him. Bring this kindness into these negotiations. Okay, so now we're back now. The time has come up. Okay? Yeah. Time has come up. So now Mommy feels we need to. I, Mommy, feel we need to. I feel that we need to. We agree. Do you remember we agreed? Yes. Remember, we agreed. Okay. Mommy feels that now we need to go brush teeth and get dressed. Okay, Mommy. Okay. You're a good mommy. I'm glad you're my mommy.

[87:15]

I'm glad you're my son. Thank you. Do you feel complete? Okay. May our intention equally extend to every being and place. With the true merit of God's way.

[88:22]

@Transcribed_v005
@Text_v005
@Score_85.97