We have a wide variety of people in the room. Some people I have been talking to recently or all year long. And some people I haven't been talking to all year long. So I kind of want to bring people together without assuming background. I feel myself to be devoted to a lineage or a tradition.

[01:04]

And the tradition I'm giving my life to is a tradition which is constantly changing. It's something that doesn't go on because it's constantly changing. and it's something which is not annihilated. And the tradition says that the point of the tradition is enlightenment. And what it means by enlightenment is helping others, helping all others.

[02:14]

It's a tradition of living for the welfare and ultimate liberation of all beings. Speaking of all beings, some new beings came here yesterday after our meeting, after our introductions. I'd like to ask the newcomers to stand and introduce themselves. Can you say your name? I'm Louie. May. Wilbert. Wilbert. Reverend Ryokan? Ryoten.

[03:18]

Ryoten. Ryoten. Ryoten. Is Andrew here? Andrew and Jerry. Andrew and Jerry. Andrew and Jerry. Jerry? No Jerry? Or Jerry's with Jean. Okay. I wrote something from a Mahayana Sutra behind me on the board. which you could translate as the condition of ascension being that is bodhi.

[04:23]

The condition of ascension being that is enlightenment. Sentient beings are defined in different ways. One way of divine sentient being is the entire mass of living beings who are subject to illusion or delusion and go through birth and death and suffering. Sometimes that group includes bodhisattvas. who are living in the world of birth and death together with all sentient beings.

[05:30]

So sentient beings, the first two characters here are sentient beings and the next character is nature or condition or you could say predicament. The condition of ascension being in the next two characters, these two characters, the Chinese character is pronounced in Japanese, soku zei. They're in the Heart Sutra. And you find them between form and emptiness. shiki-zoku-zei, excuse me, shiki-zoku-zei-ku, and ku-zoku-zei-shiki. Form, that is emptiness. Emptiness, that is form. Form, what we call form, is emptiness.

[06:37]

What we call emptiness is form. in the Heart Sutra. Right? Remember? And then it's the same for feelings. Feelings, namely emptiness. Emptiness, namely feelings. Delusions, namely emptiness. Diffusion, namely emptiness. Ideas, Wholesome states of consciousness, that is emptiness. Unwholesome states of consciousness, that is emptiness. That's the sokoze. And the last two characters, next two characters are bodhi. And the last character means therefore or the pretext or for that reason.

[07:37]

So this expression could also just be put more simply that enlightened beings, or yeah, enlightened beings, Buddhas and sentient beings are not two. Buddhas and sentient beings are not two. They're not completely the same of course, but they're not separate. They live in the same reality. They're inseparable. Enlightenment and delusion are not two. This teaching is offered, this is a teaching that's offered in a tradition that's about helping beings. Hopefully this teaching will help beings, will be beneficial to beings. enlightenment doesn't happen before sentient beings or after sentient beings.

[09:11]

It is the actual condition of a sentient being. And as I've mentioned a couple days ago, I'd like to start by emphasizing stillness in this retreat, being still. So another Another way to put this is that for ascension being to realize enlightenment or even maybe more surprisingly for ascension being to be helpful is just not to move. For a sentient being, for a living being, to not move, to realize not moving is for a living being to be themselves.

[10:22]

Not be yourself who does something to help people. be yourself to help people. And this is hard for us. And being a sentient being is hard for us. And being a sentient being, we think we need to do something to help people. And in a sense, we do have to do something, but the thing we have to do is not move. which is not doing much in a way. Yesterday at noon service we recited the section of a text called Ben Do Wah on the

[11:39]

Self-fulfilling Samadhi, Jijyu Zammai. And in that text it says, all this, and all this refers to doing the work of a Buddha, doing Buddha's work of helping all beings, of turning the great unsurpassed Dharma, of realizing supreme wisdom, All these wonderful works of wisdom and compassion of the Buddha, they do not appear within perception because they are unconstructedness and stillness. The work of the Buddha is occurring in stillness. helping people without constructing anything. Something's already been constructed, a moment has arisen, and being helpful is to completely be what has arisen, to be oneself.

[12:59]

So in a way I'm talking to you about something which is very difficult but simple. And I will be talking to you about ways to learn how to be yourself, how to be oneself, how to be yourself, how to be myself. And learning how to be yourself is learning the Buddha way. And it's hard to learn because we have a habit of distracting ourselves from being ourself. We think of using ourself to help people rather than being ourselves to help people. And as someone said to me just recently, it's not one or the other.

[14:11]

In other words, it's not like one is like to learn yourself and to be yourself and the other is to distract yourself from yourself. They're not one or the other. They're always together. Because the kind of self you are is a self who has a tendency to distract herself from herself. she doesn't have much of a tendency to distract herself from being distracted. She's quite concentrated on being distracted. Are there any more seats? There's a seat way up here, Frances. Learning the self or learning to be oneself.

[15:34]

is the same as learning karmic consciousness because sentient beings or oneself is the result of and pretty much the same as pretty much all your self has is karmic consciousness which is boundless and unclear and doesn't have any fundamental to rely on. And karmic consciousness, although it's not too clear, it has a tendency, it is the basic tendency to be distracted from itself. So we have an active consciousness which is has a tendency to think about something other than itself.

[16:43]

And a lot of things that you think about are wonderful things, so not to criticize the things, like all the wonderful people in this practice period and all the excellent things they do. Oh, that was so great what that person did. Oh, that person's so kind. And oftentimes when we think that way, we have just distracted ourselves from something maybe not quite so wonderful. How can you appreciate someone else without losing track of your job as a Buddha disciple? How can you appreciate other people's merit and virtue without losing track of paying attention to your karmic consciousness, which is contemplating them. This is difficult. It's difficult. It's like, what do you got, doing two things at once in opposite directions. But not impossible.

[17:54]

And if I'm playing the role of teacher, how can I tell you all kinds of wonderful instructions without distracting you from yourself? How can you listen to me and watch yourself at the same time? How can you ignore me and watch yourself ignoring me? How can you appreciate me and watch yourself appreciating me? Watching yourself tell a story of something to be appreciated. How can you not appreciate me and watch yourself not appreciating me? All the time you're making stories about me and the rest of us. It's hard to not get distracted. It's hard to be completely still. You are sitting here being quite active. At the end of the last practice period, someone came to me and said that he really appreciated the practice period, the intensive, and was looking forward to the next one.

[19:17]

And now, he said, instead of being into self-improvement, I want to really practice. And I thought, oh yeah. Instead of self-improvement, self-study. Karmic consciousnesses are a lot of times thinking about self-improvement and other improvement. But once again, can you think of self-improvement and other improvement at the same time studying the self? Karmic consciousness is generally into self-improvement, getting thinner, getting stronger, getting smarter, getting better educated at Buddhism, sitting more still, being more kind. Of course, karmic consciousness thinks of other things too, like karmic consciousness thinks of self-entertainment.

[20:23]

And even Karmic Consciousness sometimes thinks of self-degradation and self-pollution. What about self-study? That's the hard thing. That's the hard thing. But I offer these words, these bold words of recommendation that This is the work of Buddha, is to study the self, study karmic consciousness, which is very energetically jumping around trying to distract itself from itself with all kinds of excellent projects. And so again, the story which I offer very often is the story of the acrobats, apparently a father-daughter acrobat team.

[21:38]

And the father says to the daughter, okay, now you help me and I'll help you and we'll be able to do our acrobatic feats. And the daughter says, excuse me, reverend teacher and father, but you have it backwards. You take care of yourself and I'll take care of me and we'll be able to help each other. And the Buddha says, the apprentice is right. The daughter is right. If you want to help others, Take care of yourself. How to take care of yourself? Mindfulness of yourself. I apologize if this sounds like, I don't know what, one-upsmanship, but anyway, someone introduced the senior staff here a couple days ago as the people who keep Green Gulch moving.

[23:24]

And I thought, oh no, the senior staff are here to keep Green Gulch still. They're running all over the place so we can be still. They're advanced practitioners so they can run without moving. So now we have this practice, this intensive period of time when every moment you can be still. every moment you can practice unconstructed stillness. You are supported by the tradition to do so. If you want to help people, if you want to help all people, being still and silent

[24:29]

is the way. And since you are a karmic consciousness, to be still and quiet with a very active, noisy karmic consciousness is the way. Don't try to gag your karmic consciousness and tie it up in a ball. Be kind to this very active being that you are, this very energetic thing that is your life. be so close to it and intimate with it and kind to it that there's complete stillness with it. Then this being will be a benefit. And again, once again, it's very difficult to learn this practice of being oneself. Not moving and being ourselves means also to fully express yourself in the moment.

[25:55]

Fully express yourself. Fully express yourself. Exert yourself in the moment. So not moving includes total exertion, expression, mindfulness, presence, all that's there. And of course it's also noticed, excuse me for saying what you're about to say, but we're already that way, we're already totally exerting our our deluded sentient being. We can't get away from it. And I say, that's right. We can't get away from being sentient beings.

[26:57]

We're already that way. We're already not moving. It's not something we have to do. And yet we have to practice it. Otherwise we miss it. So again, we use that famous example of the teacher who was fanning himself And the monk comes up and said, the nature of wind is permanent and reaches everywhere. Why do you have to fan yourself? And the teacher says, you may understand that the nature of wind is permanent, but you don't understand the meaning of it reaching everywhere. The monk says, well, what is the meaning of it reaching everywhere? And the teacher fans herself. So the nature of ascension being is that it reaches everywhere, but if you don't fan it, if you don't express it in practice, you'll miss it.

[28:04]

that may be perfectly, everything I've said now may be perfectly clear to you all. And And contemplating you all, I try to also pay attention to myself and say to you that if you have anything you wish to offer, you're welcome to come up and offer it. How often do I study myself without moving? there's no way to study yourself in another way.

[29:33]

So if you notice yourself starting to move to study yourself, or if you notice yourself starting to study yourself by not moving, you just didn't move. But you noticed it. Are you saying there's movement in stillness? Am I saying there's movement in stillness? Yes. The illusion of movement occurs in stillness. I'm suggesting that movement is an illusion, like motion pictures are illusion. You're actually being shown stills. still photographs, and then they change. You offered another still. So change is not the same as movement. It's just one thing, and that thing arises and ceases.

[30:38]

So movement is an illusion. Stillness is reality. So there is the illusion of movement within stillness. How then is that different from clinging? How different is what from stillness different from clinging? Yes, because clinging seems to be stuck and not moving. Yeah, so people might move to cling and think that that's still. So stillness can, a person can then make stillness into something they're doing and then it's not stillness and it looks like rigidity. And again, part of the, what do you call it, pivot there is that when you're still, you're fearless. And when you're frightened, you freeze into doing stillness. When you're frightened, you do a stillness, which is an illusion of a movement of doing the stillness.

[31:48]

But if you drop the you doing stillness, you won't be afraid anymore and you'll realize stillness. But we have to deal with our karmic consciousness creating illusions of stillness, of movement. That's part of what we have to be still with. Which is why it's hard to practice watching a movie. It's hard to be present while you're dancing. It's hard to be present while you're singing. Not impossible, though. And it's also possible, of course, as you know, to be sitting quite still and to be totally not present and moving. In other words, be engaged with the illusion of movement when you're sitting still. But still, we do the ritual of sitting still in the zendo for you to see that. Part of being yourself... is to be flexible and relaxed. Part of being yourself is to be yourself not for very long.

[32:51]

How do I know it's long enough? When you're laughing, you've sort of got it. Yes. This is the ritual donation center. Please. And will you tell me your name again? Rowan. Rowan. It seems to me you're talking about paradox that I... Paradox, yeah. That's involved here. One paradox is we're already sentient beings. Why do we have to work at it? We're already prone to distract ourselves.

[33:59]

Why do we have to work at distracting ourselves? So actually we don't have to distract ourselves more than we do. We just have to completely exert the distraction that we're involved in. We have to do our distractions wholeheartedly. Okay, so that's enough of what I wanted to say. You say this, and Katagiri Roshi says this, and my teacher says this, to completely throw myself or put myself into the action that I'm doing. So if I'm cleaning or running or speaking, to completely do that. But then how can I study the self? How can I be mindful and completely put myself? And that seems like a paradox. It seems impossible. It seems to me that I have to have a gap, if you like, between what I'm doing and my awareness. Good, yeah. And you do have a gap between what you're doing and your... You do have a gap between yourself and what you're doing.

[35:03]

It's already there. That's ascension being. You've already got the gap. And if you learn that gap, and learn it each moment, which means mindful, be aware of the gap now... And now, and now, you'll realize that the gap cannot be found. That is an illusion. Ascension being is an illusion machine. So if you try to wholeheartedly do things, you'll notice that there's a gap. You'll notice that there's a limitation there, which is the nature of ascension being. And to be that means to completely be the gap. And there's a kind of paradox there, but again, when you fully learn yourself, you forget yourself.

[36:06]

But don't try to forget yourself while you're doing things. That just makes a gap on top of the gap. So I'm a dim-witted practitioner who's got a gap between myself and my practice. That's where I'm at. Not to be that. Not to be all smoothed out with no gap. Although, sounds nice. Because the gap is delusion. That there's me doing things is delusion. So to do things wholeheartedly means to be wholeheartedly deluded. Then sometimes, say, for example, if I'm writing, sometimes if I'm doing some creative writing, then I get so involved in it that I completely forget.

[37:09]

I lose awareness. Yeah, writers have a really hard time being mindful. Because they get into the writing. And they lose track that somebody is there thinking that she's writing. They're calculating, but it's hard for them to lose track of the creative calculations. It's difficult. So when I'm writing, I ought to be trying to be aware of the self that's writing as I'm doing it? Would that destroy the writing? I think it might. This is my dilemma. Yeah, I think, you know, we don't know, you know, what was with Shakespeare when he stopped writing. I don't know.

[38:11]

Maybe he was finally starting ready to practice then. after he had had the bliss of being distracted from being successfully distracting himself from being a sentient being for 35 years because he could so wholeheartedly give himself to this creative process and serve all beings in that way that maybe finally he said, okay, now I'm going to try it without I'm just going to face myself now. It's nice to be a genius, of course. It's nice to be a genius. It's not so nice to be a sentient being. Since what?

[39:17]

You may get a chance to set the world's record in coming up and going back. But you're walking too slowly. You're lost. This is a pretty long question, actually. A long, stumbling thinking process. But I'm studying myself who thinks that. To forget the self is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. So we're talking about studying the self. But what about the forgetting the self? And the last question triggered that, I mean, Writing, when someone is writing, they can very easily forget the self.

[40:20]

But there's something happening there, some consciousness that sometimes is surprising. You say it's very easy to forget the self. Maybe for you, but for me it's not easy to forget myself, because in order to forget myself, I have to study myself thoroughly. Now, to look at something else and be totally absorbed in that thing is not the same as forgetting yourself, because you can still be unconsciously holding yourself over here as looking at this wonderful person. Or doing this wonderful activity, like writing, or painting, or whatever. So you're totally distracted from yourself. It's another version of it. And it's easy for people to be almost totally distracted from themselves. But to watch yourself while you're doing something, that may totally bollocks the thing you're trying to do. So that's why I say, maybe later I'll look at myself, but right now I just have to do this properly. Okay, fine. And when you can do it properly, then somebody maybe could say to you, now, while you're doing this thing, which you know how to do really well, see if you can look at yourself at the same time.

[41:25]

So again, normally when people say they're totally doing something, what they mean is, they don't mean this, but all I hear them saying is, I'm totally deluded. I totally think I'm completely doing that. So much so that I'm not paying at all any attention to myself. This is a normal thing. And you can perform things quite well that way. But that's not forgetting the self. Forgetting the self comes from studying the self. So it's true, it's forgetting the self, study the self, but it's study the self, forget the self. So first, let's let the performer look at herself. And then what you find out is maybe she can't do anything because she's so barely able to do that. How can I do that and speak even? Right. Right, how could you? Well, watch. Once you really study yourself, you'll find out that the self does have something to say. It will speak eventually. It will offer some creativity because it is a creative being.

[42:31]

But do you wish to produce some products and then study yourself? Or even produce some products and forget yourself completely because you're so into your productions? That's the normal thing for sentient beings. Produce stuff, do stuff. And again, do them so fully that you don't have to worry about yourself anymore. Well, that's okay. But now how about start studying yourself while you're doing what you're doing? It's harder than just doing things. I agree. But I'm confused. And I'm confused. I'm conflating forget the self and distract the self. Forgetting and distracting seem to be similar. So, you know, when Dogen says study the self is to forget the self, I think he means... that when you fully study yourself, you will forget yourself. But it's a different forgetting than being distracted. It's a back or front door. One's a back door and one's a front door. To forget yourself.

[43:34]

Probably. Hi. Do you differentiate self-observation from the kind of awareness that you're talking about? I'm thinking that we can maybe observe ourselves kind of from the ego, from the perspective of our ego or our self-interest. For example, when we are performing a task, we may be observing ourselves doing that, maybe to improve ourselves, you know, As opposed to a different kind of awareness. Is there a distinction between steps? The first type you mentioned, let me check, you mean you're doing something and you notice I'm doing this thing and I notice there's an agenda here to improve myself.

[44:42]

And you're aware of that? Like, for example, right now, I'm aware that I'm speaking with you in front of other people, and I'm aware of how I'm articulating it. And, of course, wanting to articulate in a way where I come across as not too stupid, you know? So I've got that going on. But I'm assuming that that awareness is different than the kind of awareness that you're talking about, that there's a whole different level of awareness, a different quality of awareness. For right now, what you just described is something I would encourage, namely that you or I are aware that there's speaking going on, that I think I'm doing it, I'm somewhat concerned with whether it makes sense or not and what other people think about it, and I'd like them to think I'm pretty smart, to be aware of that sentient being And to take care of him is what I'm talking about as study the self or learn to be yourself.

[45:49]

Now, it turns out that this person plus being that and becoming that person completely turns out that that, in a sense, is inseparable from something which is different, which we call helping people. But it's different, but not separate. So you being willing to be this person you just described yourself as being, to really completely be there with this guy and take care of this guy, that is what we mean by helping people, helping others, being enlightened. And being still. And there's not some other kind of awareness that I'm encouraging you to take care of until that other kind of awareness shows up and then I would encourage you to take care of that one. This is the one that's calling out for help in the universe right now, and it's your job, and we're helping you.

[46:52]

I think I was with you right there until the very last, when you Did I hear you talk about another kind of awareness that might emerge? Or maybe first I thought you were saying digital awareness. Helping others, in a sense, is a different kind of awareness. All these people being helped is a little bit different from your awareness. But you taking care of your awareness fully is helping others. So there's no difference between those two. helping others and you taking care of your own self-centered functioning is the same. Thank you. You're welcome. Would you come back here for a second, please, Glenn? Would you like me to adjust your robe?

[47:55]

Sure. And I looked to see if I studied myself when I did that. Yes? I studied the back of my neck piece. When you were talking about Shakespeare, I found myself wanting to ask if it was possible that Shakespeare studied himself in the way that you're encouraging us to do, and then went low. It's not that he didn't study himself. If he started studying himself, he wouldn't write any more plays. Because it sort of sounded like that. It's possible. I think that for many artists, they keep writing because they're looking for, they're trying to find their way to study themselves. And their artist is kind of saying, would you please look at yourself?

[49:00]

Mm-hmm. Even though you're going to have a hard time, aren't you, because of what I just showed you? The created object is speaking back to you and to everyone. I think great art, the greatest art, turns you around to yourself. Including the receivers of it, not just the maker. I'm talking about the receivers. And the maker as a receiver. Yeah, that would even be greater. But I think some art is good enough to get people to look at themselves, and maybe the artist himself hasn't reached that point yet. And then the art keeps going on. And they keep going because I think that's what they're striving for. And then isn't that activity that's encouraging all these receivers to look at themselves, isn't that a bodhisattva activity? It's not a bodhisattva activity if they're not studying themselves. But I mean if the art itself speaks to the... If the art itself, studying itself,

[50:06]

But art, you know, then the question is, are we going to promote art to be a sentient being who is studying herself? I didn't mean that art was studying itself, although there's that also. Yes. There is that kind of art. Yes. But I just meant if there's a novel or a painting or a symphony or whatever that encourages the listener or the reader or the viewer to study themselves even if the maker wasn't consciously engaged in that activity but if what came through them it makes that encouragement then isn't that that activity itself a kind of the activity that created it a bodhisattva activity even if they weren't the activity of the art. Maybe I don't know how to articulate this so well. Well, again, it's difficult to separate the distracting mind from the mind studying distracting minds.

[51:09]

You can't separate them. And this thing that's a vehicle of communication, this painting or this symphony or this novel or this story, is more than whatever the creator, is different from whatever the creator thinks they're making when they're making it. And all of that goes through that object to the other people. And it seems like that there's, in the great things, that there's something that writer or whoever might be unconscious of, and yet it's still coming through. Right. And also they might be conscious of it, but not fully conscious of it, even though what they're giving, even though what they give, like that they can give a Zen Center, where people can come together and support each other to study themselves. So Zen Center is, in some sense, a great work of art that way, that it's a place where people come in and are encouraged to study themselves. In this case, the people who built the Zen Center wanted it to be that kind of place, but were they studying themselves when they built it?

[52:15]

And I can say probably they missed a lot of opportunities. We could say that in the present tense also. Yeah, right. That we want the practice period, we want the physical space of the temple to be promoting all of us to help each other study ourselves. And right when we do that, we may miss to pay attention to ourself while we wish that. And we work at it over and over and over to provide this place for people to practice and miss the chance to practice while we're providing the chance for practice. We can do that because we're sentient beings. We can miss out on our deep motivation. We can also be there with it and then we're more practicing what we're working to realize. We're more practicing what we're preaching. but we get scared that people will think we're self-centered and so on.

[53:18]

Yes. So I'm reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, and it says in that book, the author says that all I've ever learned I learned through devotion and I remember in your last class you spoke about when you were prostrating to the Buddhas how you realized you spoke about you had the prostration itself was a realization of the Buddha and I'm wondering if That's devotion, and I'm wondering how devotion is connected to studying the self, if it is. Well, if you are studying the self as an act of devotion, that realizes Buddha's way.

[54:29]

The Buddha way is realized by you studying yourself. When you study yourself, the Buddhas are, what do you call it, they're like, reinvigorated because you're doing the practice that they wish to convey to you. And if you are studying yourself to get something, and that's not studying yourself, that's just yourself. That's just a deluded person trying to get something. But if you are aware that you're trying to get something, you kindly take care of that person who's trying to get something, then you are realizing Buddha's way. And you are devoted to Buddha's way because you're doing Buddha's work. You're devoting yourself to Buddha's work of studying the person who's trying to get something out of life. And if you wholeheartedly study the person who's trying to get something out of life, you come to a place where there's just a person trying to get something out of life,

[55:34]

And there's nobody trying to get anything out of studying that person. And then Buddha and sentient being are completely at peace with each other. But that is the act of devotion. And most people are devoted to get something out of life. So they are what they call their disciples of sentient beings. But some people are devoted to practice the Buddha way, which is to study the people who are, study the person who's trying to get something out of life. And when you remember to do it, that's an act of devotion. When you remember to do it and you do, that's devotion. So in a sense, there's no studying the self without devotion. That's right. Like some people come to a class and hear about studying themselves and they think it's cool. But they don't.

[56:38]

They've got other things to do. So they don't practice it. They were devoted to listening to the instruction and they appreciated it but they didn't practice it. And some people even teach it but don't practice it. And some people hear it once and practice it. So there's some places where there's a whole bunch of people doing the practice and the teachers are not practicing it. However, they are serving a purpose to remind those people of what they're doing. It's just too bad that they don't practice it too. Excuse me, I wanted just to mention to anybody who doesn't know that if you need to leave the room during these meetings to go to the toilet or something, you're welcome to do so.

[57:53]

I often think of precepts as this really sweet, big self-improvement project. Precepts as a big, sweet self-improvement project? Yeah, I think practically precepts would be a very sweet self-improvement project. but it's a project and I'm really flummoxed about how to bring them into the context that you're talking about and not try to make something or do something. The first thing that comes to mind is that whatever kind of self-improvement project you're doing, like, I don't know what, brushing your teeth, for example, that you do it for the welfare of all beings. And if you have more lofty self-improvement projects than toothbrushing to do, that's fine. But do whatever you're doing for the welfare of all beings. And remember that. Be mindful of that's what you're doing everything for.

[59:01]

And that will change the context of your self-improvement project. You still may have to go ahead with it because you're a self-improvement woman. That's your deal. That's your sentient being. Sentient beings are into self-improvement or the opposite. Sentient beings are not into nothing except when they are. Sentient beings are into stuff. And to be into stuff for the welfare of all beings is necessary in order to fully be a sentient being. Because it's hard to be a sentient being, but if you're being a sentient being for the welfare of all people, you might be able to do it. Because it's so important. Because what you're doing is for everybody, so it's really important, considering who you're doing it for. But you're not really doing it for yourself. although it will help you greatly. There's something that seems diluted in there.

[60:08]

There is something diluted in there. And so that's part of what we... We're open to being diluted people here. There's a quality of trying to fix something. We're open to the kind of fixing delusions, delusions of fixing. We're open to that in the Buddha way. That's not what we're trying to do. We're trying to free people from being in to try to fix things. Because that's birth and death. That's misery. So just watch it. Don't push it away. Yeah, watch it.

[61:09]

Just watch it. Well, you know, learn it, watch it, exert it, express it fully. Here I am trying to fix something. Yep. That's me. Totally into that. Okay. Okay. I don't live here. I live in a different world than this world. And I notice when I have questions, I feel ignorant, stupid, retarded, uninformed. When you're in this world, do you feel ignorant? How do you feel in the other one? I can slide pretty well. You can slide pretty well?

[62:10]

Yeah. You mean you don't feel ignorant? I feel more ignorant here. This is a good place for you. It's comfortable. I mean, because I sit there and I have these questions. I think they're not politically correct. Is it if you feel more comfortable when you feel not so ignorant? Yeah. So when you feel less ignorant and you're more comfortable? Yeah. So you try to be in situations where you're less ignorant? Yeah. Right. Yeah, that's a sentient being. Okay. Yeah. But here, and you know, I know people enough to want them to think I'm a little smart or at least with it, not stupid, not stupid. And so I sit there and I don't want to have my questions because it's too revealing. Like, oh, if I'd been in all the classes, I wouldn't have such an ignorant question. So I'm sitting here thinking I'm going to waste my time. Also, if you came to less classes, people would be more forgiving of you. Right. So just don't come on this next one. Then you can come once in a while actually with stupid questions and say, that's okay, because she doesn't come to classes.

[63:15]

Right, right. But if you come regularly, they say, what's with this? I know, I know. You should know more by now. Exactly. I feel like it was hard to raise my hand. I don't have to pretend. So at least people won't think I'm stupid. I may not get your point, but at least now they'll think I'm really more deluded than I already am. That being said, what do you mean by self? Well, I mean karmic consciousness. Self is a karmic consciousness. That doesn't help. That definition doesn't help. Yeah, so the one who is not helped, according to that story is told, that's the self. That's what I would mean by self in your case.

[64:19]

The one who wasn't helped. And this illusion of somebody who can decide what's helpful and not helpful. Can you find that? Anything about that? That's a self. Study that. And fully express that, which you just did. I don't know. You expressed it. That doesn't help me. or that doesn't help, and I say it doesn't help. So that's the self which I'm encouraging you to express, even though it might not be popular, that self, if she expresses herself. And if she doesn't express herself, she might be more popular, possibly, because what's her problem with? She's just sitting there nicely. But this self that she's expressed, that wasn't helpful. You just showed that, right? That's the self. That's our self anyway at the moment.

[65:21]

That's the self for now. Okay. Fairly got a little of that. And again, the I that got something. Yeah. That's a new one. Okay. Okay. And the I that said that the sense of somebody that said, okay, that's a new one. Okay. I got that. Okay. And the I that wants to move on. All right. Here's the other one. Is when you say... You know, when you brought up devotion, and when you say that when you're people who think they're really being, I don't know if you said selfless or something, you know, they're kind of being absorbed, you said, well, that's really nice, but they're not paying attention to themselves. Did you say something a little bit like that? Usually, that's the case.

[66:22]

So I was looking at my own experience of sometimes feeling completely being used, like I feel like I'm being used. And that if I were paying attention to myself, what I think you're saying is pay attention to my ego. That's how I'm hearing it, and that seems like it would be the exact wrong thing to do in that situation. So I don't understand that part. It seems like the whole beauty of being selfless or used is you aren't paying at all attention to yours, what I'm thought selfless. So that's where I got confused. Well, maybe being used is a little bit different than using. Maybe being used could occur before anything happens.

[67:25]

was possible that things come forth and then they use you, but you weren't there before they came. That can happen. And then there would be nothing to study because there wasn't a self there before these things came. And that can happen when you're studying the person who's there before things happen. That's the enlightenment which is there along with the sentient being. Okay. Okay. As you're talking, I'm seeing a flashing light, like a stop sign, and it says, ordinary mind.

[68:45]

And as you're talking about this, I can't get beyond that. Anything I do breaks it up. So it's just like, is there a connection in what you're saying? Well, before I say that there is or isn't a connection, are you comfortable with what's happening? Yeah. So do you need any kind of confirmation of that? Okay, then I won't. Helping others.

[69:55]

Helping others is observing the centers of consciousness. Thank you. That was the sentence. Helping others, you said, is self-observing, observing self-centers. Helping others? No, helping others means observing self-centered self-consciousness. But if others don't realize what I'm doing, and nobody thinks, like nobody... think I'm helping others, nobody feels that way, just I'm observing self-consciousness, then I still feel like I'm not helping anybody. You mean if everybody says to you, you're not helping us, you might feel like you're not helping them?

[71:10]

Yeah, yeah. I think I might too. If you all tell me, you are not helping us, I might think, maybe I'm not helping them. I think it's good to be open to the possibility that you're not helping others. It's good to be open to that. But still you think helping others if I'm observing my self-centered self-consciousness? Yes, I think so. That's what I think. I think that is the Buddha way, for you to observe your own karmic consciousness. Yes. I think that is the way to help others. Yes. And when you're doing that practice, it's possible that many others would say to you, or maybe even others concentrated into one authoritative other, would say, you are not helpful.

[72:19]

And then you would like meet that and be aware of yourself meeting that. And that would help that person who's telling you that you're not helping him. How I help that person? Hmm? How I help that person? Well, for example, let's say that person was a great bodhisattva. who's telling you this, he would help them by showing them that you're doing their practice. Because that's what they've been hoping you would do. They've been teaching you that. But if they don't realize... Well, in this case, the person who's telling you that you don't realize them, I just chose an example of an enlightened being who tells you they're not helping them. Enlightened being is kind of the equivalent to everybody, you know. But if it's someone who doesn't study themselves, and someone who doesn't study themselves tells you you're not helpful, you know, they don't exactly know what you're doing, but whatever you're doing, they think it's not helpful, and they're not studying themselves, and therefore they're really troubled that you're not helping them.

[73:36]

They think they live in a world where you're not helping them. This is an ascension being. Ascension beings sometimes think, somebody in this world is not helping me. Somebody here isn't supporting me. Somebody here isn't like in on the conspiracy to make me happy. So ascension beings think like that sometimes. But if you... are with them and you study yourself in their presence, then maybe they could turn around and look at what they're thinking and notice that they think that somebody's not helping them rather than really somebody's not helping them. That they think the universe isn't supporting them rather than the universe isn't supporting them. If you do that, you teach them the Dharma, that they are being supported by all beings. But if you practice that way, some people will come to you.

[74:40]

They'll come long distance. Many miles they'll come to say you're not helpful. Because they want you to teach them how to study themselves. But in order to them, in order to help them, in order to, yeah, help them to sentient beings, including myself, I have, you were saying, I have to realize universe is already helping. Before you realize the universe is already helping, in order to realize that, you have to study yourself. Before that, you just hear it and think, that sounds good, I believe that. But, or you don't believe it. But anyway, if you do believe it, you will study yourself. And if you study yourself, you will understand it. If you study yourself, you'll understand the universe is supporting you. But even I don't realize that I still can help others? Even though you do not yet realize it, if you're learning how to study yourself, even starting to learn how to study yourself, even before you know how to do it fully, you're already helping others because you're showing them what a beginner at the Buddha way looks like.

[75:55]

At the end, there are people who realize I'm studying. Many people may think I'm not doing anything if I physically don't help other people. Then I may be dead before somebody thinks I'm studying. The point of the Buddha way is not to get other people to think that you're being helpful. I'm not practicing the Buddha way so that people will think I'm helpful. That's not why I'm practicing the Buddha way. I'm not practicing the Buddha way for people to think I'm helpful. That's not the bodhisattva way. To get everybody to think you're helpful is not the bodhisattva way. The point of the bodhisattva way is to help other people, not to get them to think you're a great bodhisattva. I think I know that.

[77:10]

Good. But still I have a but. Maybe, yeah, without other people, I lose the sight of... Helping others, just studying this karmic consciousness, like how I can know that, how I know that. How you know what? Helping others if other people don't say anything. Well, people say to me all the time, excuse me, that I'm helping them. But that's not how, but then when they tell me that I'm helping them, I don't think, oh, now I know I'm helping them. I don't think that. I don't.

[78:11]

I could, but I don't. And a lot of people tell me, you know, people say, well, that was helpful. But sometimes people say, that wasn't helpful. Like politically incorrect people say, that wasn't helpful. So people, sometimes, but sometimes a whole bunch of people, sometimes like a whole, like a a whole bunch of them and like nobody disagrees that was helpful you got that you got it right reb that was helpful but i don't then think oh that was helpful i don't go around thinking that i'm helpful i do not but still even though i don't people do tell me i am sometimes and also people tell me you're not helpful that's not helpful that's not helpful that's not help And when they tell me it's not helpful, I don't think, oh, I'm not helpful. I don't think that. I just say, they're telling me I'm not helpful. That's what I think. I think they're telling me I'm not helpful. But I don't think it's even true that they're saying that.

[79:12]

I just think that's what I hear them say. And sometimes they say, we didn't mean that, or whatever. And I cannot practice studying myself without other people. But I do have other people, and they're telling me about myself all the time. But you have something strongly believe. I have strong belief, yeah. Yeah. I do. And other people help me with it. Other people help me. And they help me by saying, you're not helpful, you are helpful. I don't know if you're helpful or not. Would you help me? Don't help me. People do all kinds of things for me, to support me, to have the faith in studying myself. And I have confirmation that me studying myself helps them study themselves. Because I think my observation of people is the main thing they need to do in order to help other people is study themselves. The suffering people are people who are not able to study themselves.

[80:18]

sentient beings can learn to study themselves and they become bodhisattvas, sentient beings, by studying themselves. So the way to help people is to teach them how to study themselves. Not just to study yourself, but to get good at it even. To get so good at studying yourself you don't cling to yourself anymore. Because people are not studying themselves and clinging to themselves and frightened and troubled because they're not studying themselves and clinging to themselves. That's the problem. That's the problem that people have. I want to help them, but I don't know that I am. I just have confidence that this is the way to do it. But you can teach someone how to play the piano and it takes them a long time to get it. Does the teaching lessons help them before they learn? I don't know. When they learn, it seems like, well, now that did help them because, look, they can play the piano.

[81:26]

Well, then you think, oh, yeah, but I still don't know because I live in karmic consciousness. So if I see someone learn to study themselves and become free of suffering, did that help? Maybe. That's what I want. but other people telling me I'm helping them is not the criterion for whether I'm practicing properly. The criterion for whether I'm practicing properly is stillness in which there is self-study. That's the criterion. What time is the kitchen leave today? What time do you leave the kitchen leave? Wow. Well, I won't abuse that dictum, that proclamation.

[82:34]

Yes. Was there somebody else that had their hand raised? Grace? Well, your wheelchair, you could actually, we'd have to move a lot of chairs, but maybe we'll... I'll go back to you, Grace. My question is, how do we not reify the self or concretize the self in the process of studying the self? I've had a recent experience. Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I say something? Yeah. In the process of studying the self, basically, I confess and repent. I've already concretized the self.

[83:37]

So... If you notice how you're concretizing it, and you practice with that carefully and kindly, you will understand that there's no basis for the concretization process. Don't try to get to a place where you're not concretizing the self before you start studying it. Start studying it and you'll notice that you do concretize it, that you do think it has some substance, and that you do the same thing to things that you don't think are the self. Notice your karmic consciousness. Don't try to get rid of it before you study it. Okay. Well, I find myself, and this is a confession, somewhat reluctant to study myself now because I had this wonderful experience of my physical and mental karmic consciousness just being shot asunder in my accident. And so I'm really reluctant to go back in to the development. And I see the self coming back gradually over these two years.

[84:41]

Mm-hmm. And I don't want, I got to say, I don't want it there. So do you have any advice for that? Well, yeah, I have quite a bit. I was sure you would. So there's two basic things I feel. One is you could revise your history and say that you did intend to come back into the world, that you really didn't want to come back and help us all. If that's too much of a jump for you, you can just say, okay, somehow I got back here, but I'd like to decide that I came here on purpose. No, I've already done that one. I am here. Okay, I'm here and I want to be here. I wanted to come back into karmic consciousness. I wanted to come back into this polluted, I wanted to come back into karmic consciousness. Yeah, I wanted to come back into karmic consciousness so I could help all these people.

[85:43]

I forgot that part. Okay, thank you very much. Yeah, bodhisattvas willingly come into the realm, the messy, ambiguous, conflicted, dim realm, unbounded, baseless realm of karmic consciousness. They do that on purpose because of the fun of helping the other people who are in that same soup. So now you can just say, I want, I intended to come here even though I had this nice break where I was, you know, in this land of where, you know, everything was flowing. But I wanted to come back and now that I'm back it sure is hard. Yeah, it's so hard. You're welcome. And you could, like I say, you could retrospectively say, when I first came, that was my intention too. So yeah. Yeah.

[86:46]

So did we accidentally fall into this situation? Or did we on purpose come here in order to help? If you can't remember... You can decide during this intensive that you actually do want to be here for the difficulty of being yourself in order to encourage the other people who have not yet clarified that they actually want to be here to help others and that they really don't want to distract themselves from themselves. They haven't seen that yet, so it's really wonderful to be willing to be here and show other people that you are and have them try to understand how that could possibly be. But it is hard, it's really hard, isn't it? Okay, Justin, stand up please.

[87:53]

I just wanted to tell Yuki that I think she's healthy. I mean, why should you? I do. Yeah, I just need to say it. Yeah. You just need to say it. Me too. Me too. Thank you for your lovely neighborly greeting. Cheers, neighbor. So I don't want to help anyone in this room, but I want to study myself not helping them. So I'm helping them. Wait a second.

[88:58]

It's different to say study myself not helping them from study myself not wanting to help them. Okay. You're studying yourself not wanting to help them. Yeah. You can't really see whether you're helping them or not. but you can see and you do see that you don't want to. That's the self. Now, if you switch to something else, then you study that. But if you actually don't want to help and you study the person who doesn't want to help them, then that helps them. Now, if you think you are helping them, then you study the person who has the delusion that he thinks that he is helping them. Like, I don't know who, you know, Joseph Stalin or somebody thinks he is helping. Yeah. But does he study himself? I don't know. I don't know. Okay. So this Shakespeare, right, who didn't write anything, just borrowed it all, was aware that I'm not actually writing this, I'm just borrowing it, but I'm doing it, I'm doing that not so that I get to be the most famous playwright in history, but actually doing it so that more people get to see these wonderful works.

[90:15]

That's okay. Well, I wouldn't say okay or not okay, I would just say if he's aware of what his intention is, that he wants to help people by doing this, then he's studying himself. Okay. So the point of sitting is to practice studying the self so that when I'm cleaning the toilet out because it's blocked. I can study the self cleaning the toilet out without thinking too much about what I'm doing. Well, you said think too much, but if you are thinking too much about what you're doing, to study the person who's thinking too much about what he's doing, that's the point of zazen. Right. And in order to do that, coincidentally, you have to be completely still.

[91:20]

each moment. We need that stillness. So that's why we do the ritual to remind us that being present with our activity in order to help all beings occurs in stillness and silence. That's where it happens. That's fundamental. And then that provides the situation in which you have the possibility of being present with this busy guy. Right. Thank you. You're welcome. This is really silly, but it's about Shakespeare. I've just been sitting there. But his plays are... studies of karmic consciousness. That's why they're so great. I mean, especially with that, for example. So I do think that... How about a fellow?

[92:24]

That too, you know. How about Hamlet? Yeah, they're wonderful studies of karmic consciousness, totally. He's a great teacher of karmic consciousness. And he's a great teacher of studying it. So isn't writing a mindfulness practice a way of clarifying? We have to have Shakespeare to ask him. And, I mean, Dogen also was... Yeah, we have to ask Dogen. How were they practicing when they wrote these things? Were they able to study themselves while they were teaching us to study ourselves? We could have opinions about that, but the main thing is, are you studying yourself when you're studying Shakespeare? And even if Shakespeare wasn't doing his job that he was teaching you to do, if you do the job that he taught you to do, you save Shakespeare from any shortcomings in his practice.

[93:31]

I just can't do that. You're just what? I don't know. I don't know how to put it into words. But it seems like the practice you're describing is this abyss. It's an abyss? Yeah. The karmic consciousness has no fundamental. Abyss means bottomless. Karmic consciousness doesn't have a bottom. So it's an abysmal activity. It's an abysmal activity. Yeah, it is. It's horrifying. It's threatening, and I don't really understand. And if Shakespeare... And maybe the Shakespeare you'd rather be what Shakespeare was really like, that he did all that just to cope with the abyss. I think some poets confess, I just do this because I can't stand the abyss.

[94:32]

Every time the abyss clears up, I throw a poem back at it. No, no, I think he was describing the abyss. But Shakespeare wasn't just describing the abyss, he was also describing karmic consciousness. And it's possible that sometimes he was on and sometimes he was off. The greatest philosophers and the greatest religious people sometimes, I think, they tell us they have gaps in their practice. I mean, that's my question. Can't we just go on and off? I mean, isn't that just... Well, we do, but... It's impossible to be on all the time. It does, yeah. It's paralyzed. However, when you're off, then we're supposed to, like, we notice that we're off sometimes after we've been off, and then we practice confession with it to reinvigorate our intention to go back on. Why is helping others so... So what? Why is it important? I really, I can't, sometimes I can't connect with why it's the fundamental thing.

[95:40]

Or why that's the point. Why is it, I mean it's It's because the other way is endless misery for yourself and others. The other way is really a miserable, choked, distorted, horrible way of living. See, my experience is that they're both miserable. One is miserable. One is miserable and one has great joy in the middle of the misery. So bodhisattvas are totally in the soup with everybody else with no protection against the suffering. But they're very, very happy because they're in the soup because they love the beings who are suffering.

[96:47]

And so they're very, very happy there. And their happiness, they say, is much greater than the happiness of, for example, the highest states of meditative bliss, not to mention even happier than heroin and things like that. those happiness, or the happiness of getting straight A's, or the happiness of having everyone think you're helpful, or the happiness of a huge group of people saying thank you. Those are happinesses too. But this is a happiness which is of feeling the pain of all beings because you love them and you chose to be there to help them so that they could have the same happiness. That's the happiness. And not only is it the happiness, but it's a happiness for the people to offer this to them who do not realize that this is impossible, or that they've seen a glimpse of it but they think it's too hard, and so on.

[97:52]

So that's why we emphasize helping others. That's why it's... But that particular happiness shouldn't be a goal. We shouldn't practice to try to get that, right? It is a goal. It's a goal which we practice without trying to grasp it. We try to realize a goal with no attachment or no abiding in it. Because that's antithetical to the goal. Because that's what sentient beings are into. They're into getting stuff, grasping stuff. But stuff isn't actually graspable, so they get frustrated all the time. But is it possible to use wholesome distractions as a skillful way to sort of pull oneself out of... Yes, yes. That's what wholesome karma is. So if you observe your karmic consciousness, your karmic consciousness becomes more wholesome. And the more wholesome it becomes, the better you get at looking at it. And the better you get at looking at it, the more you can look at it without clinging to it.

[98:54]

And unwholesome karma, the main problem with unwholesome karma is that it doesn't promote you looking at it. Unwholesome karma is the thing that's unwholesome about unwholesome action is that it makes you look away from what you're doing. That's the worst thing about it. Besides the other kinds of pain and stuff that it causes, the worst thing about unwholesome karma is it distracts you from studying your karmic consciousness. Whereas wholesome karma, you sort of have to look at your karmic consciousness to see whether it's wholesome or not. It'll take you quite a few eons to figure out whether it really is, but just to look to see whether it is or not is wholesome. And looking makes it more wholesome, and making it more wholesome makes you able to look at it more, and looking at it more, it evolves more and more positively. And when it's really positive, then you can actually stand the abyss, you know. Abyss? Wow. Yeah, but I heard that was part of the deal. And I'm willing to stay here anyway, not because I like to be in an abysmal situation, but because it's wonderful to be with these other people who are in the same abysmal situation who are trying to get out of it.

[100:03]

I love to be here to help them live their life. I've come to assist people in an abysmal situation, and I'm very happy to do so. I'm so happy to be here to help the abysmites. Part of bodhisattva practice is to live by slogans. Help the abysmites. I see two more hands, but I kind of feel like, aside from those two hands, it's getting kind of late, and I appreciate the kitchen staying. I don't want to abuse that wonderful opportunity. So is it okay if we stop? Maybe the kitchen first. Catherine says, Catherine, do you object? Well, I just noticed that one of the hands up, I didn't see both of them, but one of them was someone from the kitchen who might not have a chance at it.

[101:10]

So you don't want to object, huh? You said that as an objection. I know, but I'm inviting you to object. You want me to object, so I can object. OK, let's see an objection. I object. I think that kitchen person should get a chance. OK. OK, kitchen person. Slowly. Come closer, John. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. Yes. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. Yes. The Dalai Lama. Yeah. And compassion is studying yourself. For the sake of the welfare of the world, please be yourself.

[102:20]

Exert yourself. Express yourself. In stillness. In stillness. I thought you said, it stinks. May I enter in your place and bury me in your place.

[102:51]

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