The thought appears in my mind that whatever state we may be living in at the moment, if we wish to be at peace and free, we need to be intimate with that state. And then I have another thought coming up that in order to be intimate with whatever state, whatever our form of existence is, we need to receive an intimate entrustment. We need to receive this intimacy. So we need to be intimate, and also we need to receive the teaching of intimacy, that we need help in really being intimate.

[01:14]

That I myself, according to my idea of intimacy, will not be able, by myself, to realize intimacy. I must be intimate with my state, and I need help in being intimate with my state. Nobody else can be my intimacy, but everyone can help me. And I need that help to be myself. One of the ways that others could help me might be by questioning whether I've actually succeeded in being myself. Or, you know, saying, well, I don't think you actually have made it yet to being yourself, and see how I can deal with that. Can I be intimate with other people's opinion that I'm not intimate?

[02:16]

story that they're telling me I haven't really made it yet. That flows in my mind into the next couple lines of the song, the song which emerges from this intimacy. which is something like, just to depict it in literary form is to relegate it to defilement. But another translation which is in some ways is even stronger is, to depict it in literary form is to relegate it to defilement. So putting the just in front, you might think, well, if you think that it's just the words, that would be defiling it. But what about just, even though you don't think that the words are it, but you put it into words, would that also be defiling?

[03:20]

And I'm open to maybe, possibly both being defiling. Which relates back to what I said before, is that the Buddha's intimacy is not words. The intimacy, the intimate entrustment of the truth is not words. But as this intimate entrustment process comes into contact with living beings like humans, who live part of their life within karmic consciousness, I propose that my whole life is not included in karmic consciousness. I actually see karmic consciousness. I see karmic consciousness. What I see, the teaching I have received tells me that what I see is karmic consciousness.

[04:28]

I see you but the way I see you is my karmic consciousness, or is karmic consciousness. You are not karmic consciousness. I am not karmic consciousness, but the way you appear to me in karmic consciousness is how you appear in karmic consciousness. The way you appear to me beyond karmic consciousness is inconceivable to me. Max would say, not the way you appear, the way you are is not an appearance. The way you are coming to me and relating to me is beyond my karmic consciousness and yours. But the way you appear to me is my consciousness, the way I appear to you is your karmic consciousness. Or I should say, the consciousness where you are the I, you are the self there. And when the intimate entrustment of Buddhas touches our life, it touches our life beyond our consciousness, and it touches our life in consciousness.

[05:46]

And when it touches our life in consciousness, consciousness often conjures up words about it. Because karmic consciousness is word consciousness. So the Buddha's intimate entrustment of the teaching is not words, but it allows itself to be made into words in this karmic consciousness. Karmic consciousness is enclosing, is confining, is deceptive, is full of suffering. The joy is not so much the problem unless we attach to it, and we often do. But it's not the joy that's the problem, it's the attaching to it, which then is suffering. Karmic consciousness is words.

[06:49]

Karmic consciousness is words and phrases. You are not words and phrases, but the way I see you in karmic consciousness is words. But you are not words, just the way you appear to my thought-constructing self-consciousness. The way you touch my body and mind, beyond my karmic consciousness is inconceivable and is going on all the time. And I can have stories about it, but all the stories are just more words. Meantime, we are relating in this inconceivable way all the time. And this inconceivable process allows for the dependent co-arising of a consciousness that's words and where

[07:55]

I make words, or whether words are made, that's karmic consciousness, that's word consciousness, that's confining, diluted consciousness, which is very useful and wonderful. It's where we learn English and where we learn a verbal version of the Buddha's inconceivable teaching of suchness. where we learn words about Buddha's intimacy and our intimacy with everybody. Words and phrases are discriminating consciousness, are karmic consciousness, are the consciousness where there's birth and death. And words and phrases liberate karmic consciousness. words and phrases are confining, limiting, suffering consciousness and words can liberate it.

[09:04]

So we have songs to liberate karmic consciousness from songs. So, there it is. When the Buddha Dharma is depicted in words, it's defiled, and we use this defiled version of the Dharma to liberate us from the defiled version of Dharma. By statements like, to say it's this misses the point. This is a conversation, an intimate conversation of our ancestors. What is the Buddhadharma? To say it's this misses the point. Well, are you saying there's no Buddhadharma? No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying it must not be defiled. Brackets.

[10:07]

I am defiling it while I'm talking to you. And I need to talk to you while remembering that it cannot be defiled. So as a gesture in that direction, as paying homage to the inconceivable dharma, I just am not going to say what it is. And then the teacher says, this is what we're taking care of here. This is our business, is taking care of this. which we're talking about now, and now you and I are like this. And we are inconceivably liberated together. Now you have it. Dear friend, please take care of it. I aspire to realize this Dharma

[11:10]

And I'm not sure that I have realized it. And I'm also not completely sure what it is. And from what I've heard, this is the way it was with the ancestors. Many people are perfectly sure of who they are, are perfectly sure of where they want to go, and are perfectly sure of the distance between the way they are now and the way they want to go, and they are reflecting on that, and that's pretty good. The next step is to realize that where we want to go we're not perfectly sure of, and therefore where we are now we're not perfectly sure of, and we're using this lack of perfect sureness as part of our work of intimacy, which in Zen we call doubt.

[12:28]

It could be doubt that I will be able to give my life to this realization, it could be doubt of whether the realization is worth anything but it might more be that I don't know if it's worth anything but I wish to bet on it. I don't know whether it's good or bad but I am going to bet that this is the best thing to concentrate on and I'm concentrating on something that I'm not completely sure of. And in that way I'm a little bit strange, or quite strange, because most people think that they know what it is that they want to be. Most people do. Now, some teachings say, all the people who are sure of what it is they want to be and who they are, all those people will someday open up to not being sure and therefore become who they are.

[13:42]

But in order for a human being to become who she is, she needs to not be so sure of what she is. One of the people who came here was here a few months ago when I was talking about good friendship. Last year I was talking about good friendship. And he says, I'm still working on that. Me too. I aspire to good friendship. which again is intimate entrustment. I say good friendship is intimate entrustment, but I don't know what good friendship is and I don't know what intimate entrustment is. I'm aspiring to things that I'm not completely sure what they are. And I am betting on that that's the way to go. I doubt, I don't, I little bit doubt that I want to give my life to this. little bit now and then, but the main way that my doubt manifests is when I just am not focused.

[14:48]

Because my faith isn't strong enough, I can be distracted from what? From the intimate entrustment, which I don't really know completely. But when I am taking care of that, I have doubt about what it is, but I don't have doubt that this is the way I want to go. When I am doubting what it is, I feel like I'm in good company. Those who have received and transmitted this intimate entrustment, they have reported not knowing what it was. they have said, not being completely sure is most intimate. But it's not that comfortable to not be sure of what you are giving your life to. There's a great being who is in intimate relationship with us, who is sponsoring us doing this difficult job, or this job which is not necessarily easy, the difficult job of not being completely sure what friendship is.

[16:17]

So I've told you before, I recommend you read the Platonic dialogue called Lysis, where Socrates is talking to Lysis and Menexus about what friendship is. And they're talking about it in this way, which kind of to me looks pretty friendly, but it might not look friendly to you. And I get this feeling of deep love between the old boy and the young boys. And at the end, as he's saying goodbye to the boys, he says, someone may be watching us and thinking how ridiculous it is that you boys, and this old boy who would feign to be one of you, have been talking about friendship all this time and still have not been able to discover what it is.

[17:21]

I have been talking to you for some time about what the teaching of suchness is, what the intimate entrustment is. And if someone was watching, they might think, what fools they are, what idiots they are. They haven't been able to discover what they're talking about. But Socrates and Dung-Shan, who wrote this song, Or I should say, Socrates and the precious Mere Samadhi that wrote this song. They didn't know. And all the Buddhas don't know. So it may be OK if we don't, even though it may be, we may feel a little insecure with this uncertainty. We may feel vulnerable and, I don't know, a lot of other difficult feelings. Now, I have this story about my granddaughter that she knows who she is and she knows what she wants to be.

[18:36]

Well, she wants to be a ballerina and a princess. And somebody said to me, I think it'd be easier to be a ballerina than a princess. And I pointed out that ballerinas often get to wear tiaras. Anyway, she wants to be both of those things. She actually hasn't said that she wants to be a princess, but she is interested in princesses. She's interested in Cinderella. I think she knows who she is. She is Frankie Ling. That's who she is. And she knows who that is, and she knows who her mother is. She's completely sure. And a while ago I told you, I told her that her mother was my daughter, and she said,

[19:49]

She's my mother." She's completely, perfectly sure her mother is her mother, not my daughter. I don't argue. Now recently, I was with her and I said, I'd like to stay with you longer, but I have a class at Green Gulch. So I want to go to Green Gulch. She says, oh, you're going to Green Gulch? Oh. I said, why? She said, because I'm a teacher. I'm teaching the class. She said, you're not a teacher. You're my mother's dad. This is two years later. She's opened up her mind. Her mother is my daughter, and also her mother is her mother.

[20:52]

She's sure of those two things now. And she told me, no, you're not a teacher. You're my mother's father. Then her father came home, and she said, granddaddy has to leave. He's a teacher. She goes from one perfect surety to another. There's not yet room for not being perfectly sure. She knows what a ballerina is. I don't argue with her about what a ballerina is. She knows what a princess is. She wants to be a ballerina, and she knows where she's going. And she knows she's not yet a ballerina. So we were looking at the ballerina book, Tallulah, the ballerina book. We go to the library and said, can we get more Tallulah books? So we find the Tallulah book.

[21:54]

And she says to me, I'm not going to dance class anymore. My mom's not taking me. Because when I go to the class, I don't dance. I just watch. I'm shy. And I told that to my wife, and she said, maybe somebody told her that line. Anyway, she knows what a ballerina is, but she's not yet ready to enter the training program. I, however, do not know what a ballerina is, or what a princess is, or what an eagle is, or what a Zen student is. And last time we were here, I talked about how I don't know what a Zen master is. Even though I don't know what it is, I can tell you what it is. I do not really know. I'm not perfectly sure what a Zen Master is. But still, I told you last time. Do you remember what I told you a Zen Master was? It's a relationship.

[22:57]

So I told you a story about visiting the great Zen Master and looking at him and wondering, what is a Zen Master? Because he didn't look like a Zen master, he looked like an old man who didn't see anything anymore and was drooling. Where was the Zen master? I don't know exactly, but me being with him, wondering what a Zen master was, is a typical situation when there's a Zen master around. If somebody's wondering, What is a Zen Master? Is this a Zen Master? Is this proper Zen Master behavior? Is he a Zen Master? Is she a Zen Master? Am I a Zen Master? Well, I'm not a Zen Master. Who is the Zen Master in a student-teacher relationship? Who is it? Where is it? It's in between. Where is in between? There is no in between. There's no here or there or in between in a Zen Master, right?

[24:04]

The Buddha taught that. Did you know that? Buddha taught that. When there's a Zen Master, there's no here or there or in between. Zen Master is the end of suffering. That's what Zen Master is. What's that? What's the end of suffering? I don't know. I know a little, but not completely sure. Meaning is not in the words. To depict it in words is to relegate to defilement. And in defilement, in the realm of words, I say, this is what a Zen master is, and I'm not completely sure of what I said, or what a Zen master is. And what I said would go quite well with not being sure of what it is, because it's a relationship. Who's in charge of relationships? In Buddhism, we don't have somebody who's in charge of them. Everybody's, all the Buddhas are in the relationship soup.

[25:12]

What are Buddhas? Buddhas are freedom from suffering. What are Buddhas? Buddhas are understanding the truth. What is understanding the truth? It's a relationship which is freedom from suffering. And I'm not completely sure about that. That's my story. And this doubt that I'm telling you about needs to be kind of strong. I mean, it needs to be something that actually engages me rather than just passing by. in order for me to become me. I can't really be me without opening to not being completely sure of who I am.

[26:23]

I need that doubt and it needs to be something that I'm working with. And maybe you're the same, although I'm not perfectly sure about that. But the author of this song, who is the author of this song? It's the Samadhi, which is a person. The disciple became the Samadhi, he sang this song, and this guy early part of his life demonstrated not being completely sure. When he was a little boy, he was chanting the Heart Sutra with his teacher, and when they got to the part where it says, no eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind, he wasn't sure what they're talking about.

[27:27]

And he said, how come it says that? I have eyes, nose, Tongue? Well, why does the heart sutra say no? Then later his students say, when you're with your teacher, did you agree with him or not? He said, well, I half agreed. How come you didn't completely agree? If I had completely agreed, I wouldn't be his disciple. The next part, we'll talk about next month maybe, which is compatible. Right in... No. It is bright. It is bright at midnight.

[28:29]

It doesn't appear at dawn. What's it? What's it? Huh? It's it? It's what do you call it? It's an ice cream sandwich. They're still available. What's it? You're not completely sure anymore, right? Here's some candidates. Buddha. the precious mere samadhi, the intimate entrustment, the teaching of suchness. It, it, this intimacy is bright. When? At midnight. And it doesn't appear at dawn.

[29:34]

We'll talk about that next time. But bright at midnight means it doesn't appear in the light of your consciousness. It appears in the totality of your life, which is midnight. When I was a youngster, there was a TV show called, I think it was called Buster Brown Shoe or Andy's Gang. I can't remember which name. But anyway, it was about this guy named Andy. He had a gang of kids and was sponsored by Buster Brown Shoes. And I believe also Buster Brown Shoes, the person who owned the company, was a major donor to Buddhist studies on the East Coast. Anyway, on this show they had this cat black cat, and the black cat's name was Midnight.

[30:46]

And this black cat played a violin. And to this day, I do not know if that was an actual cat playing a violin. I don't know. I mean, even as a young boy, I thought. That's a different show. Yeah, Little Rascals. although there were some little rascals on this show. I thought, cats cannot usually play violins. Now, he wasn't really good. If he was really good, I would say, no way. But it was just kind of a simple, like, ee-oo, ee-oo, ee-oo. I thought, maybe a cat could do that. I don't know. And then they would talk to him, and the cat would go, I think they would say something to us at midnight and the cat would go, meow. I did not know. In that not knowing, that's where this thing's shining brightly.

[31:52]

In our consciousness, that's dawn. But this marvelous thing doesn't appear there. When it appears, it's not it. When it appears, it's words. And we practice kindness towards those words, and we're willing to be the best friends to those words that we can be, and we don't know what friendship is. We know a little bit, but not completely sure. And not being completely sure of good friendship is a necessary element of good friendship with the words. And that good friendship opens the door to the bright little rascal. So I vow to make some effort to be more fully engaged with this doubt.

[33:04]

I think it will help me be good friends to you. I think it will help me not be perfectly sure of what friendship with you is, which I am not completely sure of. I am struggling with that and I want to have that struggle be more wholehearted. Good friends, I'm not perfectly sure who you are or what a friend is, and I'm devoted to that. And I'm so happy to be devoted to this intimate entrustment. There's quite a bit more to this song, and so it looks like we're going to be studying it for quite a while, unless we quit.

[34:14]

Unless we quit before the end. But as I did last time, I jumped to the end, which says, practice secretly working within. Practice secretly looking within to see how sure you are. And if you're sure, be honest. I know what a ballerina is, I know what a friend is, I know what a Zen master is, and that is a Zen master, and that isn't a Zen master." Be honest if that's what you think. And if you are that way, you have good company. My adorable granddaughter is just like you. But if you work secretly within and notice that you're not sure, then you maybe could be a fool who is totally devoted to a path of friendship and intimacy which you're not perfectly sure about and keep practicing that foolish path of being devoted to this wonderful Buddhadharma and without being sure of it, without being perfectly sure of it.

[35:33]

Fleeting senses of sureness is permitted. But don't go too long without a little bit of openness to the possibility that you're not perfectly sure. So may our good health continue so we can continue to study this song and continually study the Samadhi. And if we ever finish, there's more wonderful things to study. So I hope that we can live together a little longer. Thank you for coming today and practicing so wholeheartedly. from beginning to end.

[36:35]

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