I haven't heard from everyone yet, but a number of people have come and told me about their ultimate concern. And I was happy that even though I had my own expression for myself, no one copied me. Even though I copied all the Bodhisattvas, nobody copied me, that's good. And when I think about the people's response, it seems like so far anyway, the most popular

[01:09]

expressions, I see it fall into two camps, or two types of expression. Remember one time I said to Suzuki Roshi, who are your disciples? I said that to him because he gave a talk in Zendo and he referred to his disciples and I thought, who are they? I was particularly concerned whether I was one, so I thought I'd ask him.

[02:13]

And he said, something like, I don't like this, but my mind thinks like this, that I There are two kinds of people at Tassajara. One kind are here to help themselves and another kind are here to help others. The ones who are here to help others are my disciples. I thought of that because when I thought about the two categories of response to what is your ultimate concern, I actually didn't like that my mind put them in categories,

[03:17]

but anyway, it did. But I also like that it put it in categories because now I can tell you the categories. Something to talk about. So, one major category is something like, my ultimate concern is unconditional love. Someone said, unconditional non-dual love, which is somewhat redundant, but anyway, unconditional non-dual love. Someone else said, total compassion. Somebody else said, infinite compassion. So those types of responses, quite a few people had those responses to my question. The Chinese character which we usually use, which we usually translate as compassion,

[04:30]

like dai hi shindirani, or you know, we're often using people's names where there's compassion in the name. It means, if you look in the dictionary, it doesn't say compassion, it usually says love or pity. And the other camp, or the other most frequent response I've heard so far is something like, my ultimate concern is whatever is happening, or what's coming up right now under my nose to deal with. And so the categories, what I thought was categories, people's responses tend to…

[05:38]

One category is like wisdom, and the other is compassion. So what I feel like I heard was the two eyes of Buddha, two different eyes of enlightenment. And in some ways, it's a little easier to talk about one or the other eye rather than to talk directly about enlightenment, I think it's hard to say that somehow, it's a bigger word too. But anyway, I hear mostly those two emphases. And when I heard about compassion, I thought, well, some people are emphasizing the fruit, the fruit of enlightenment is this infinite, unconditional love, it's the fruit. So they emphasize the fruit rather than the flower, in a sense enlightenment is the flower.

[06:42]

And the seed of enlightenment is the aspiration to enlightenment, the altruistic aspiration to enlightenment, and the cause of that seed is awareness of suffering or compassion. So limited compassion precedes the seed of enlightenment. That seed produces the flower, enlightenment, and then enlightenment produces unconditional, unlimited compassion, and unlimited compassion in a sense, you could say, doesn't itself or an individual person produce in our seed, but it produces seeds in other beings because compassion helps other people feel their pain and be compassionate with themselves, so then

[07:53]

their compassion leads to more seeds which lead to more flowers and more fruit. So when I ask about the ultimate concern, in some sense it's a cycle of compassion, some sense of suffering, even limited, giving rise to the aspiration for enlightenment, giving rise to enlightenment, giving rise to infinite compassion, this is a circle. And the response I've so far gotten is people picking up someplace in the circle, and the wisdom, picking up on the wisdom part of the circle, is in a sense between the aspiration and the fruit. Once you aspire to supreme enlightenment, then the path to supreme enlightenment is simply what's coming up right in front of your face.

[08:56]

And there's a few other responses I got, but those are the major responses. So everybody is sort of basically on the same, in some sense, circular path, infinite circular path, like also the lotus is like that too, the lotus seed, when it's put in mud, germinates and sends up a sprout, the sprout comes up out of the mud through the water and eventually opens into a flower, and as soon as the flower opens, the fruit is exposed, but when the petals fall off the flower, the fruit is ripe, and then the ripe

[10:29]

fruit then has done its fruit job, and then the stem which holds the fruit up, because the fruit's done, the stem loses its strength, which is holding the fruit up above the water, and the stem goes soft and the fruit droops down into the water again, and then the seeds swell and build up pressure in the fruit until the pressure is so great that they explode

[11:30]

out of the fruit through those little holes and send the fruit flying into the air, flying back up out of the water into the air, and then as it flies out it's been broken open and it scatters the seeds all over the pond and banks of the pond, and the seeds go back down into the earth again, and hopefully some of them germinate and grow up again. So this pattern of flower is also characteristic of the practice, and the fruit is not completely available until the flowers of enlightenment in some sense have dropped, and the next generation doesn't get a chance until the fruit kind of loses its function and goes plop back down into the mud again.

[12:39]

So if compassion is your ultimate concern, you can start working on compassion right away of course because it predates your involvement here, you've already been working on it, but not but, and I sense the weather's still good and it's not springtime, but I sense a lot of affection here in this community among the people. And so in the realm of compassion there

[14:16]

are three kinds of compassion. One kind of compassion is compassion that has an object, and it's called sentimental compassion, or loving view compassion. In other words, you see somebody over there and you love what you see. So you get into that arena that I was talking about with loving your children or something, and maybe you love what you see, maybe you want to take it home with you, or put it under your wing, or cradle it in your arms, or maybe not possess it, but anyway, there's a lot of possible things, but anyway you have a view

[15:23]

of it, and you love it, you don't hate it. Loving this kind of compassion which has objects you don't hate, it's not hate, it's love, but it's this kind of sentimental love. You hope the best for the person, but they're an object. But that kind of a compassion, because there's a view, and there's some love in it, there's a kind of energy exchange going on there, and you can kind of tell. One of the ways you can maybe tell if it's loving view is the kind of energy flow going on. Sometimes you might even call it energy loss, might feel like an energy loss, or it could be like an energy gain. You meet the person and you feel, suddenly you're 10 feet tall,

[16:35]

is it? I've often walked down the street before, suddenly I'm, how tall is it? Several stories high, suddenly I'm several stories high knowing that I'm on the street where you live. It's a sign of loving view, compassion. Not to mention you might be on Tassajara Avenue where there's lots of people there, suddenly I'm several stories high. There's a country western song which goes something like, how's it go? Every time I drink I think I'm 10 feet tall and bulletproof. So you can kind of get intoxicated on all the lovely people that are

[17:47]

bouncing around this valley in the sunshine. Like I say, especially while the weather's still good, when it gets colder and rainy this pattern changes somewhat. And that shows again that it's not unconditional love, it's conditional. The sun hits the eyes a certain angle and suddenly there's love, but then when the rain is hitting your eyes at a certain angle, where did it go? Maybe it was a conditional love, and then there comes conditional hate after that. But conditional hate is not sentimental love. Conditional hate is hate. That also sometimes occurs in the monastery.

[18:49]

But sentimental view, compassion is not bad. It's not as bad as hate, because it's a lot like compassion. Because basically you're wanting to relate and get close to the person, which is good, it's very similar to intimacy. But it's the touching kind of compassion. It's not the turning away kind, it's the touching kind. So how can you love somebody and not touch them or grab them? How can you want to get close and very close with somebody without grabbing, and be free of the grabbing, and also be free of the, well, I can't be free of the grabbing, so I'm just going to get rid of them. Free of the grabbing and free of the frustration that comes from the grabbing. Just being close. So circumambulating is good. Rather than touching

[20:02]

or turning away, just walk around them all the time at the appropriate distance. But another way to relate to them is just, you know, be upright. Just sit upright and stand upright. Just be upright with people. Don't lean forward into them. Don't bend back from them. Where is that place? That place where you're just there, upright. And where you're watching for the appropriate response. In other words, bring wisdom into these relationships where you have loving view of compassion. So there you are, and what is happening? So then,

[21:06]

if all infinite compassion is your highest concern, then also bring this clear and clear observation into the situation. And be aware of, are you leaning forward into the relationship, or backwards, or to the right or the left? Just be upright there. And in that uprightness, watch what comes. Watch what words come. Trust uprightness as your guide in how to relate with people and other things. And then watch to see what actions emerge from that uprightness in your relationships. And the actions that emerge from uprightness are

[22:12]

spontaneous. And spontaneous things, when you act spontaneously, you act decisively and without hesitation. Without reserve, you're not holding back anything, saving up something for another time. You're not even giving all. You don't even think in those terms. You do give all, but you don't even think of giving all. You just don't hold back. When we have reserve, we have reserve because we think of the future and the past, and therefore we're afraid.

[23:19]

So, the way to realize unconditional compassion, unconditional love, is to act decisively without hesitation. And decisively without hesitation is, of course, when you're really done, you don't even think that it's decisive or don't even think that you're being unhesitating. But if you try to practice decisively and without reserve, probably you'll sometimes think about being decisive and unhesitating, and you won't be, and therefore you'll blow it. But if you don't act decisively and without hesitation, you will also blow it. However, the difference between acting indecisively

[24:31]

and hesitantly is that when you blow it, you're very likely not to notice it, because you hardly did anything at all. You could hardly notice what you did. You kind of go, you know, what happened? Not much. I don't know what happened. Did I do something? Was that me? The other people won't even be sure. Did I mispronounce that? If you're going to say something, say it loud. If you're going to mispronounce something, mispronounce it loudly so everybody can hear precisely that your speech is slurred. As I ripen, in the lower part of my jaw, which includes my tongue, things seem to be going down towards the earth. One of the leading parts of my return to the earth

[25:34]

is my tongue, in my lower jaw, so sometimes I don't quite get the equipment up there to end certain kinds of consonants in the old way I used to. So I say sha sometimes instead of sa. Slurred speech is starting to creep up into my mouth. Not too many people notice it, but I do. So one of the things I'm tempted to do is to talk more quietly so that nobody else will notice. Maybe I won't either. It's a little embarrassing, you know. I don't look that old and yet the equipment is gradually deteriorating. So I would encourage you, as a way to develop

[26:45]

an infinite compassion, act decisively without hesitation. In fact, when I say this, I both firmly believe that that's the way you really always do act, and also that, not firmly believe, I guess a lot of people are frightened by that recommendation because they think, well, somebody might punch somebody or say something cruel and it might happen, but we don't have punching too much, but people do say cruel things anyway. This will not increase the cruelty, I don't think. However, the way people understand me might give license to things that some people have been wanting to do and been holding back from, but that they've been doing in a sneaky way anyway. So why don't we get it out in the open so we can catch these people, or so if you're one of these people, so you can be caught and get your, what do you call it, therapy. I'm not exactly confident

[27:52]

that we will be able to handle you if you start acting decisively. I think the mountains will be able to handle you though, probably. It's not that I'm sure we'll be able to cope with you or that you'll be able to cope with me if I act and you act decisively with no hesitation, I'm not sure, but I'm willing to take the chance. And I'm pretty sure that the other way is really a dead end and dishonest, because, you know, to act indecisively is a decisive act. You decide to act indecisively. To act with hesitation, you definitely decide to act with hesitation. You definitely, right on the mark, go halfway or two-thirds or whatever. You know, you hit exactly where you hold back just exactly the amount you're holding back. You hold back 10% or 1% and you can often feel exactly,

[28:58]

I'm just a little bit holding back. I just a little bit don't want to do it. I'm just a little not going to finish. You know it. It's precise. You're always precise. You're never, as I said the other night, you're never approximately yourself. You're always 100% approximately yourself. You're always 100% like, you know, lukewarm. And you know that about yourself. And I think people sincerely, not are sure, but sincerely consider that maybe it's safer this way, that if actually you came out, you know, you might get in trouble. And it's true, you might. I know a couple of people that are coming out of the closet, you know, and it's not pretty.

[30:05]

There's all kinds of closets, you know. There's the closet angry people. There's the closet sweet people. There's a closet, you know, weak people. There's a closet strong people. All the people who just think whatever it is, they grew up thinking, no, no. And people, other people said, yeah, that's right. No, no, don't be that way. Don't be yourself. I don't want that. Get out of my face. Get in a box. Be a little tiny thing and don't make my life more complicated. They really didn't mean that, you know, but that's what they said. They were just confused. Actually, what they want you to do, they really meant be yourself. Completely be yourself. And they said it by saying, no, no, don't be yourself. And if you are, I'm not going to love you anymore. So we closed down shop. Said, okay, whatever. Because love is really important to us.

[31:13]

Well, now I say, if it is, then start expressing yourself fully. But not just sort of at random, but from uprightness. First, always, always be upright. And then from that place, you can witness this spontaneous thing coming up, which is your next thought. And sometimes that thought leads to vocalization. Sometimes it leads to hand signals. Or, you know, arm signals, chest signals, leg signals. In other words, physical postures are expressed from this thought that comes up. Not all thoughts lead to physical postures, but every physical posture is born of a thought. And thoughts are constantly born, and some of them lead to a physical posture, and some of them don't. But the physical posture still is also being produced quite frequently.

[32:25]

In other words, if you count up the moments of things happening, sometimes a physical posture is not an act. The body is still there, but it's not a karmic body at a certain moment, when there's just mental karma. But things are changing so fast that in a second, there's still many physical karmas, physical actions. But there's some vocal actions too, and when there's a vocal action, there's not a physical action. And sometimes a mental action without vocal or physical. But still, there's a lot of all of that going on, and each one is spontaneous from uprightness. And uprightness is also always going on. However, if you don't check into what I call uprightness hotel,

[33:27]

you won't notice all these spontaneous things erupting from uprightness. You won't be able to celebrate and appreciate the unfoldment of infinite, unconditioned compassion, which, because it's infinite, it is unfolding through you now. And because it's unconditional, it can unfold the way you are now. But in order to understand that, you have to be present and not leaning in any direction in order to witness it. So, someone who says, my ultimate concern is whatever is happening, that both tells you what to concentrate on, and it also tells you what to witness happening.

[34:38]

So, you concentrate on what's happening, and also you see what's happening as the current emergence of your decisive, unhesitating expression of unconditional compassion. And then you can also notice that if you veer away from uprightness, then your expression, from the point of view of veering away, your expression will also veer away from unconditional compassion and will slip into either hate or this object kind of compassion, which is also called lust or attachment. And again, if you're not holding back too much, then it'll be easy to see

[35:41]

the hate and the attachment. It'll be easier anyway to see it. So, when I say this, practice is very easy, but when you're not practicing this way, you think it would be hard because you have to get over the inertia of not being upright. So, to get yourself back on uprightness is really hard, and you have to do it moment after moment, get yourself upright again and again. So, it seems hard. If from not being upright you think about this, it really is really hard. It really is, it would be really hard, nothing would be harder. But when you're actually on, it's not hard. I mean, it's not. You know that, don't you? So, I guess what I'm recommending, hearing what your ultimate concerns are,

[37:09]

strangely enough, what I'm recommending is to practice being upright. And I'm recommending that, which is the same as to say, I'm recommending that you always work on one thing, that you just work on one thing, or that you make your work, that you appreciate that your work has one form, and that your play and your work, that your whole life has one form. The earliest name for Zen meditation was the one-form awareness, or the awareness of the uniformness of life. There's something about life,

[38:13]

no matter what's happening, it actually has one form. Being aware of that was the early name that they had for their meditation in Zen school. So, I'm saying, I'm calling the one form today uprightness. If you watch your life over time, you might say, well, now I'm leading to the right, now I'm leading to the left, now I'm leading forward, now I'm leading backwards, but all those references are made in respect to uprightness. Whenever you lean to the right, uprightness is there. Whenever you lean to the left, uprightness is there. Uprightness is always there. You're not always leaning to the right, but when you lean to the right, uprightness is there. But you can also say when you're upright, right and left, forward and backwards are also always there.

[39:14]

So, the issue of uprightness, or the spirit of uprightness, is always there in your life. So, the ancestors suggest that you realize that you should, what do you call it, be immovably devoted to that uprightness, unwaveringly concerned with that uprightness, always. And then again, in a redundant way, act decisively and without hesitation, because that's really how you are.

[40:19]

That's the way Dogan is translated. Total devotion to uprightness, total devotion to upright sitting. But his disciple, Ejo, said, total devotion to absorption in the light. All the Buddhas are totally devoted to uprightness, but another word for uprightness is light. And I mentioned this many times, Yunmun said to his monks, all of you have the light, but if you look for it, you can't find it and everything's dim.

[41:52]

What is your light? And he answered for them, and he said, the kitchen pantry, the front gate. Or someone said to me, pasta. In other words, it's whatever's happening is your light. But then he said, later he added, I'd rather have nothing, or even a good thing isn't as good as nothing. So whatever is happening is what you work with, but it's not that thing. It's just that that's what's happening. That's why you work with it. So nothing's better. But that's just an antidote to making what's happening into a thing,

[43:00]

that you say, and that often happens to people, is if you ever, when you first find the meaning of pasta, or you first find the light in the kitchen or in the front gate, then you want to hang around the front gate all the time. Or whatever you were using when you first found it, you just could use something. There's some tendency to hold to that, but you shouldn't. You've got to let go of the most precious thing in the world that you just found. That's why Newton then said, nothing's better than a good thing. And you should always be concentrating on the good thing. In other words, you're always practicing goodness. And what is goodness? Whatever you're dealing with.

[44:02]

The universe has given you this right now to deal with. But then, again, a good thing, this is a good thing to deal with, but nothing's better than this. So again, turning away and touching are both wrong. And don't make uprightness into a thing. Don't make your upright posture into a thing. So is there any, is this

[45:43]

is what I'm witnessing here, is my, what do you call it, are my, I can't even remember, what is it? Are my antennas? Yeah, that's right, that's right. Are my antennas, are you suggesting something? Are my sense organs operating decisively and without hesitation? I mean, are my unhesitating and decisively operating sense organs picking up unhesitating decisive action from you right now? Is this it? Is this your unhesitating decisive action that I'm now witnessing? Yes, Scott? I'm confused about your admonition to be decisive.

[46:48]

In the sense of, you know, Alan watches the kid about this, his admonition to be spontaneous. Yeah. And he would say, well, either you're spontaneous or you're not spontaneous, but the idea of trying to act spontaneous is sort of silly. And I have the same problem with that idea, well, be decisive. When you're talking about being upright, if you're upright, then it seems you don't have to act decisively, but you just simply have to act. Right. That's right. You're welcome. And your actions will be decisive and without hesitation. And if you watch yourself act and you say that wasn't decisive, then I say, well, are you upright when you said that? I think you'll probably say no. Check it out. Yes. Can you tell me where the problem is in this?

[47:59]

So I sat down in a bad spot. Yeah. And I've never gotten myself quite right, if there's a problem in how I got sat. Well, is there something you can do about that now? Well, but I... You don't want to do anything. I want to talk about my suffering instead. Okay. Okay. So instead of getting up and changing. Yes. A long time ago. Yes. I reached and wiggled and tried to find my spot. Right. For a variety of reasons. I don't want anybody to think that I'm a mover, so I just keep moving anyway. I didn't want to interrupt. I wanted to be polite. It isn't our form to sort of get up in the middle of things and back down again, etc, etc. Okay. So we could say that I decisively made the decision to be in this area of discomfort, but it seems to me there's a problem in how I decided to handle it, and I'm not sure,

[49:04]

and it's around the area of decisiveness. Good example. But I'm not quite sure where the problem is or what might have been a more upright arrangement. Similar to what Scott is bringing up. Okay. So what I'm suggesting to you is that, as you sit there, if you are able to realize that you're... you were able to realize you're ongoingly making this decision to stay in somewhat that same area, which wasn't quite easy for you to settle into. As you start to realize that you're kind of ambivalent about it, and you're not really wholeheartedly behind what you've just committed yourself to, then you might say, now, am I upright here in this too? Am I upright about this decision to be in this position? And I think the answer would be, well, no. I mean, I'm kind of like not really even fully taking up my place here on this cushion. As you go back and forth between examining your kind of half-heartedness

[50:09]

and your lack of uprightness, you start to become more and more upright until finally you make your move. And the making the move could be to not move. It definitely could be to not move. And finally you're settled and you just decide, I am totally committed to being uncomfortable here. Okay. And I know I'm completely behind it. And the spontaneity is there. You know, you can't even decide that. It comes up upon you and finally you realize you've realized completely being settled in an uncomfortable position. You're completely behind it. You're not, you're totally decisive. And you're not holding back at all. And you feel upright. And another way of saying that would be to let go. Okay. You set aside everything else, but where you are. That could also cause you to loom up five foot, six or seven inches tall and sit back down in a different position and ask Meg to move over a little bit.

[51:15]

You might also apologize when you did it, or you may not. Okay. You might not even loom up full height. You might bend forward. There's many things you might do. The question is, is your action coming from uprightness? And it's for you to sense that. And again, it's a sensing kind of thing. Okay. Yes. Is the fruit of unconditional love sticky? Unconditional love can be present in stickiness, but the unconditional love is not sticky. That's why it can slip into sticky situations. Usually, conditional love, oftentimes we hold back.

[52:20]

We don't want to get into sticky situations. But unconditional love is totally present in sticky situations because it's not sticky. Unconditional love doesn't get stuck in unsticky situations. We generally like these unsticky ones, right? Yeah. Unconditional love is there. No problem there. It doesn't get stuck there, though, because it's not sticky. No, it's not sticky. But it can visit stickiness, and that's why we say turning away and touching are both wrong, but sometimes touching is the meaning of turning away and touching are both wrong. If you don't touch anybody and don't turn away from anybody, and you hold to that, you just made turning away and touching into touching. You touched it. You got a hold of turning away and touching, and you go around not touching anybody or turning away from anybody.

[53:22]

You make touching into a thing. You make touching into something which you're holding to, which is good. I mean, you make that instruction of touching and not touching and turning away into something you're with all the time, but if you make it into a thing, it's better to have nothing than that instruction. It's better not to know anything about Buddhism or ever hear anything. That's better than to hold on to some great Zen master's instruction. Not having any instruction or any teaching is better than holding to any teaching. Even the best teaching, if you hold to it, is worse than not having any teaching. However, if you can use the teachings appropriately, then all of them are great, and then they're better than nothing. Then they're all better than nothing. And even worse than holding to a thing, any great teaching, the worst is to hold to nothing. Just plain old nothing is better than any teaching, if you hold to it. So, you have these two sides of your practice. One is you're always working on one thing.

[54:31]

You're totally devoted to one thing. You're never distracted, ever. You're like the mountains around here. The other side is you're completely flexible and unattached, and you don't hold to any of your practices, or you don't hold to this oneness. You don't make the one thing you're concentrating on into a thing. And balancing these two is our art form. And we make mistakes all the time and get off over onto like, this is it, this is the right way, boom, boom, boom. Or, hey, come on, let's be lazy. But actually, it's lazy to hold on to something, too. That's lazy, too. Say, okay, got it, this is practice, and grab it. That's lazy, too. One form of laziness is over work. Yes? What's the form for having to go to the restroom?

[55:34]

You raise your hand and ask like that, and get permission, and they say, you can go. No, really, go ahead, go. You, too, Tom, go on. I'm afraid the restroom is going to come with me. Yes? When asking, not asking, but in being unhesitant and coming from an uprightness, regardless of the response that would arise from another person or from myself, it's honest, and if it hurts me or if it hurts somebody else, do I just observe that?

[56:37]

Well, I said regardless, actually, to somebody today. It's not really regardless, it's in the context of, actually. So, if you're upright, then you blink your eyes, or you say, hello, or you raise your hand, or you say, I love you, or I hate you, something comes out. And you watch, and you see, oops, that wasn't too good, actually. I guess I wasn't as upright as I thought, because actually, I kind of was still holding back. If you're really upright, you don't have any kind of ... your arms and legs don't grab the stuff you put out, they just pop out. So, another way you find out that you weren't upright is by somebody else's response. They go, that stinks, you know, that stinks, Roberto. And then you say, hmm, it doesn't mean it did stink, it just means they said it did. But still, that might make you say, huh, the fact that people don't like what you do doesn't mean you weren't upright,

[57:39]

doesn't mean you weren't spontaneous. But I'm saying, if you're upright, spontaneous, decisive action emerges from you, and it's always good, always. And people may say, it's not good. It doesn't mean it wasn't, it just means they said that. But a lot of other times, you're not really upright, and what comes out isn't really spontaneous, isn't really decisive, isn't really without hesitation. And people say, it's good, and you know it's not. You know it's not. You know, actually, it wasn't spontaneous. I really was still in there messing with it. It didn't happen. That's not right. And they say they like it. That's interesting. I shouldn't say it's interesting, sorry. And it's not that you're the judge, it's just, in effect, that you are the judge in that case. You

[58:43]

know that you compromised yourself. You know you were leaning forward. You know you were holding on. You know you chickened out. You know, and they like it. Other times, you know you didn't chicken out. You know. And they don't like it. And the fact that they don't like it is part of the context that helps you understand that you, in fact, didn't do a good thing. And a lot of times they'll say, oh yeah, actually, they change their mind the next second, you know. Or you say you're sorry. And it all works out really well. But it's not really regardless. But as you do it, it's regardless in the sense that you can't think ahead of what was going to happen. I mean you can't because, in fact, you can't. However, when you do think about the future, or ahead, at the time you think of the future, at that time you could not think ahead of that action. The thought of the future is spontaneous and decisive.

[59:46]

All things are, in fact, spontaneous, unhesitating, and decisive. Things never happen any other way. There's been never any examples of anything else but these kinds of things. The question is, can you tune into and join the actual vividness of what's happening? And I think the way we are gesturing towards joining is through uprightness. If you just reach over and try to grab what's happening, you know, make it an object, then you're leaning. You won't get it. You'll get some kind of dream of it. But by practicing uprightness, you naturally join this and become harmonious with this level of functioning, which is your true vividness. And then sometimes you think you do, and you find out you don't.

[60:48]

But then that's good. That's an example of missing. But you're still playing the game, and you miss a lot. But again, when you miss, when you see that you're leaning to the left, you understand uprightness. When you feel yourself leaning into the future, you understand the present. However, if you're leaning into the future and you don't feel yourself leaning into the future, if you're in the future without feeling the leaning of it, then you don't feel the uprightness. You're just lost in the future. If you have interactions with people where you're touching them and your energy is getting inflated or deflated and you don't notice that, then you don't feel the uprightness. So you have to be somehow sensing your center, that what is always there. That's your touchstone.

[61:57]

And by that you can tell all these deviations. But when you tell them as deviations, the center is implied and you're back home. The center is always there. That's your resource. It's inherent. It never goes away. It's always there for you to use, to check in with. And that will guide you into infinite, unconditioned love, which is uncontrollably, untrappably vivid and erupting right now and dying right now. Things that are very alive also are very, you know, tentative. Yes? Question about unconditional love or compassion.

[63:03]

Something you'll get or know? Get? No, you don't get it. And know it? No, you don't know it. I mean, you know it, but the way you know unconditional love, you know the way you know unconditional love? Do you know the way you do? No, the way you know it is the way you know it right now. Do you not know it? Okay, then you can go ahead and admit you don't know it. That's the way you know it. The way you know it is the way you know it now. But this is not really knowing it. This is just, I don't know, all these different ways that we are. That's the way you know it. Okay? So what does he say? What is the purpose of going on this trip to unconditioned love? What's the purpose of going on this pilgrimage to unconditioned love? Okay? I don't know. That's closest. That's the most kind way you can be about

[64:13]

what unconditioned love is, is I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know what the point of it is. All I know is that's where I'm going. I'm going there, but I don't know what it is. This is called kind to it. One time I was giving a talk and the word love came in my mouth and I realized that I thought, since I was giving a talk about it, that I probably should know what it was, but I forgot what love was. I knew a few days before or a few seconds before or I thought I should know, but then I realized, well why should I know? Why do I have to know what love is? I didn't answer that question. And I realized, no, I don't have to know. Nobody has to know. In fact, nobody does know what it is. Nobody knows what love is. Nobody knows what infinite compassion is, but people go around and think they do, and that's what they think. And that's called not being upright. However, from uprightness you can spontaneously, unhesitatingly think you

[65:16]

know what love is. That can happen to you. That little virus can come up in your brain. It's okay. In its uprightness it's okay. And there you don't hold to it. Say, I just understood, I just knew what love was. It was a peach blossom. It was Robin's boots. You know, that was love. But that just means that at that time when that was happening, I understood. It was happening, that's all. But it's happening all the time. So, do you understand what I'm implying? I'm implying nothing. Oh, yes? It wasn't my distinction.

[66:24]

I'm really mistrustful of that attitude of trying to help other people. Well, it's good that you're mistrustful of it. I'm very mistrustful of it, and of any distinction. Are you also mistrustful of trying to help yourself? Um, I don't know. I haven't thought about that. I haven't been aware of being mistrustful of that. Sometimes I've thought of it as, if you're not in the perspective where you're sure that you're not hiding somewhere and trying to help other people, that maybe you're the most helpful person to other people and trying to help yourself. Oh, it definitely does. Anyway, you're just like Suzuki Roshi. He didn't like thinking that way

[67:39]

either, but he did. And so, it's not that you can't be a Tadzahar and want to help yourself, it's just that you're not his disciple. Yeah. In fact, he says you have to take care of yourself, because the thing you have to do in Zen is you have to be yourself. Right? He said that all the time, right? You have to be yourself. We have to be ourselves. Our practice is to be ourselves. The best way to take care of yourself is to be yourself. But, you know, he said this thing to me, but maybe the reason why he said it to me was maybe it was a message to me, and maybe I shouldn't quote it, but I did. And of all people to get upset about it, how come you did? Just kidding. I don't know. Just kidding. Your entire lecture about everything else, because I don't understand that. I guess I was

[68:47]

disturbed by the kind of judgment that's generated by any distinction being made by those two things, by any separation being made between helping yourself and helping others. Well, what strikes me is how good it is that you are disturbed by distinctions. Not so much that it's good that you're disturbed by distinctions. I should say how good it is that you're aware of how disturbed you are by distinctions. That's really good that you can sense that distinctions really drive you into some real upset. Okay? That's good because, in fact, every distinction that's made in the mind upsets the mind. Okay? Now, if I come in here and don't make any distinctions, then you get to sit over there

[69:47]

maybe and not notice how upset you are by all the distinctions that are happening in your mind. But, in fact, all of us are constantly being disturbed by our mind, which is constantly generating distinctions. So, fortunately, I came in here and talked about a distinction which somebody else made, and I made a distinction in my head between wisdom and compassion. That's the one I distinguished. And if you distinguish between wisdom and compassion, that actually disturbs your mind. That's why I felt sort of bad to distinguish between these two categories of ultimate concern. But then I remembered this thing popped up in my head, and by putting Suzuki Roshi's name under it, then this distinction is like one that you can't laugh off. Now, a lot of times our mind makes these distinctions that we feel upset, but then we say, I don't want to be upset, so what we do is we kind of say, well, it's not that big a deal,

[70:50]

this distinction, and then we calm down a little bit. But really, there's a seed down there which is somewhat dormant right now, this seed of distinction, of the mind which is splitting. And now, if we take that seed and we jack it up by putting Suzuki Roshi's name on it, then you can feel this fundamental split in your mind amplified, and then you can feel. So it's very good that you felt that, but what you're feeling is the nature of your mind. Not that Suzuki Roshi or anybody else is necessarily holding to that distinction. He said, I don't like it, but my mind does this. And you didn't like it either, but what you didn't like was that your mind did it too. So, our mind does that, let's check it out, let's feel how that works.

[71:57]

To try not to do that would be doing it again and would simply cause more disturbance. So, you're acting on behalf of all of us because she's showing what is going on in all of our minds, to some extent that is going on to all of our minds. If I say to some extent, it means it's happening 100% in everybody's mind, just simply discriminating consciousness. So, thank you for being upset. Remember, thank you for noticing you're upset and joining with Suzuki Roshi, who was also upset that his mind was working that way. The content of what you're talking about, though, I'm not speaking to so much. I'm speaking more to the fundamental thing of that discrimination's upset us. And so, while you're at Tassajara, you have a chance to notice that you're always a little bit or quite a bit or a lot disturbed

[73:07]

by the fact that your mind's making discriminations. Even if you're looking at somebody you really love, you feel this kind of inflow of this positive energy at looking at them. You know, like I said to somebody, I don't know who it was, when you look at your kids, seeing your kids graduate from high school or something, seeing your kids go off to a dance or whatever. I remember one time I was at the beach with a Buddhist scholar, and it was before I had a daughter that I knew about, and he was watching his daughter play in the water, and he said, this makes it all worthwhile. I didn't know what he was talking about. But anyway, he was really enjoying seeing this person splashing in the water. And what I would say, not to him or to you or anybody, but I would say

[74:09]

that even while you're enjoying watching this loved one splashing in the surf, the fact that they're an object is actually upsetting you. You may be so overflowing with positive energy at loving this object that you hardly notice it because your mind's so stirred up, you're so intoxicated, you think you're 10 feet tall and bulletproof, so you're not going to notice that actually deep down in your mind, you're split in two, and it really bugs you. But I propose that we are bugged by the slightest hair's breadth of difference. It bugs us. And in some ways, it's good to amplify it so that you can see it. And if you can see it, then you can work back to the source where it starts. Yes? Well, I noticed you were talking of persons as objects.

[75:14]

Pardon? You thought a person was a subject? Yeah. Well, that's fine. We can talk about persons as subjects. But for me, you are not a subject. I am a subject. You are an object. You are an object, which I think is a subject. I don't think you're an object. I think you're a subject. But I relate to you as an object. And since I think you're a subject, I think you relate to me as an object. That's the way I think about you. Because I think you're a subject, therefore you're required to see me as an object. That's the way I see you as an object. And when I watch you,

[76:19]

you look like a subject who's acting like I'm an object. And you seem to be subjectively enjoying me being an object. It's a nice game, and it's painful. Did you notice? It's painful. And if you're upright in that pain, that uprightness is the gate to the pilgrimage to unconditioned love. Yes? Just a moment ago you were talking about the perception of something as an object, and that's a source of anger. It's a source of anger. It's a source of greed.

[77:26]

And it is. Basically, that is confusion. That is a definition of confusion, that you feel that thing out there is separate from you. That's the root of ignorance and confusion. And anger and lust grow out of that. So that's what anger and lust have in common. Yes, that's right. And it is confusion and delusion and ignorance itself, because it has no substance and it believes that it does. It is the belief that what doesn't have substance has substance. It is a belief that the insubstantial separation between us is substantial. It is a belief that my opinion is better than yours, and therefore I can be angry at you, or I can love you for having a different idea than I do. I can make it cute.

[78:30]

Whatever, you know. When you see a kid in the water, you can be totally in bliss about the fact that this person is in the water rather than you. Or you can be jealous. Some people see their kids graduate from college and get angry that they didn't graduate. You know, we're capable of anything. Anything else? Okay.

[79:24]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ