If you understood something I would encourage you to practice the true mind of faith, the true love for your spouse. Since it's my birthday, may I repeat myself?

[01:15]

I said this earlier, and when this thought came to me, which I think is a useful thought, I was happily surprised. And I imagine other people are surprised too if they hear me say this. So what I'm saying to you is that when one realizes ultimate truth, all actions in the context of ultimate truth are... Isn't that what I said they are? That really surprises me. Happy surprises. I can't understand what you're saying. Keep trying. I'm saying capitalism. Happy surprises.

[02:22]

Happy surprises. That's right. That's you. That's right. And capitalism also. But what I said before was, in the context of ultimate truth, all action becomes ceremony. All the action of a person. The ultimate truth is often called emptiness. or selflessness. That's the way all things really are in the end, is they're selfless. They don't have any independent existence of their own. But another way to say the ultimate truth, which is somewhat more positive, which is the way it's expressed in the

[03:33]

Lotus Sutra of the True Law, which is the central scripture for Ehe Dogyam, is the ultimate truth is called the one vehicle. So one way to say the ultimate truth is that all things are selfless. Another way to say it is that there's just one practice of all beings. And when you understand that there's only one practice of all beings, then your own activity becomes a ceremony to celebrate the ultimate truth. Then everything you do, every gesture of body, every thought, and every vocalization, you see, oh, this is a gesture, this is a celebration, this is an offering to the practice that we're all doing together, the practice of reality, the practice of emptiness, the practice of selflessness.

[05:02]

And the other way around is, by learning to make every action a ceremony, you open to the ultimate truth. For example, a big example, the activity of saving all beings. When you understand that we're all practicing together, the activity of saving all sentient beings is a ceremony, which you're doing with all sentient beings.

[06:13]

So we say, you know, the people on the path to Buddhahood, the Bodhisattvas, they vow to save all beings, to help all beings to come free of suffering. They vow to help all beings be happy. So they act. Their action is for that good. But they also understand selflessness, so they understand that there's really no beings saved, and there's no savior, and there's no saving that you can find. So they do the ceremony of saving all beings, and everything they do is the ceremony of saving all beings. And they vowed to continue to do the practice, which is the sun.

[07:40]

In East Asian Buddha way, practicing sun when there's no way, they're not distinguished. But I like the word sun because it adds in I think it brings selflessness into the practice right away. In English, we sometimes use the expression, empty ceremony. And people often use that for people who are doing ceremonies and there's nothing to them. And it's usually considered negative or pejorative to say, empty ceremony. But for bodhisattva, ceremonies are empty. All actions are empty. And when all actions are empty, all actions are ceremonies, and they're empty. But the ceremony you know is empty. It's nice. When you do other things, you think, these aren't empty.

[08:45]

Being mean to people isn't empty. Being nice to people isn't empty. But bodhisattvas wholeheartedly practice kindness towards all beings, and they say, bow to, be kind to all beings, and they don't make a big deal out of it. I'm being kind to people, but there's no self to my kindness. I'm just doing the ceremony of being kind. This little ceremony, this little offering. And the ceremony of being kind is not separate from the reality of being kind. The ceremony, the empty ceremony of saving beings, the empty ceremony of saving empty beings is not separate from the actuality of saving beings.

[09:52]

But the actuality of saving beings is not saving beings who aren't empty. It's also the actuality of saving empty beings. Remembering that the ceremony is remembering the emptiness of all dharmas is remembering truth. Also, I was recently and often asked, what's the difference between Zen and psychotherapy? And I would say today that Zen is psychotherapy plus or as certain one. So in Zen we do psychotherapy, we save all sentient beings, we work to help people experience their suffering, The English word therapy means to attend to, as the root, to attend to, to pay attention.

[10:54]

We help people get in touch with their feelings, with their suffering, in order that they be healed. And if a psychotherapist understands this psychotherapy in the context of emptiness, than Zen or the Buddha way. But if they think that their patients exist as independent selves, it still can be psychotherapy, but it's different from Zen. In Zen we do psychotherapy with all beings, and yet there's not one single being we do psychotherapy with. We do the ceremonial psychotherapy. Yesterday someone said to me, I'm just practicing relaxation during this retreat.

[12:17]

This Buddhism is too big. It's too much for me. I'm just practicing relaxation. And I said, fine. Relaxation is the door to Buddhism. And if you practice relaxation and the door to the Buddha way opens and you think it's too much, too much, overwhelming, overwhelming, the practice of all beings, that's pretty big, huh? If it's overwhelming, practice relaxation. And you're open again. But of course, if you practice relaxation when the huge... practice of all beings comes to meet you, you might want to close the door. Fine.

[13:19]

Just relax with closing the door. And the door will open again. And then you might close it again. Fine. Relax with that and open again. So relaxation is another way to say practice giving. When you relax, you give. And also, the practice of giving includes receiving, of course. So when you relax, you give. When you give, you give all you have to give. If you don't give all you have to give, you didn't relax completely. you're still a little bit holding on, a little bit tense. Complete relaxation means completely giving yourself, and complete relaxation means completely receiving yourself.

[14:22]

And again, someone mentioned to me, yeah, giving is okay, but receiving, that's hard. I don't mind giving myself, but receiving myself? Either way, they're both included. If you really give yourself, you realize, oh, I received myself. When you receive yourself and you really feel you receive yourself, you give yourself. This is the one practice. And doing the ceremony of that, we're open to the reality that we're always giving ourselves and receiving ourselves, or receiving ourselves and giving ourselves. Receiving and giving the self, and to be focused on that, is one of the names for the practice in this school. And maybe after this talk this morning, we'll do a service, a chant, a little text on this self-receiving and self-enacting.

[15:32]

Yeah, self-receiving and enacting, or self-receiving and self-giving awareness. So the basic method, then again, is relax or give. Relax with every being you meet. Relax. In other words, give them to themselves. Give every being. Give. Give everybody to themselves. you do anyway, do the ceremony of giving them to themselves. Also, receive everybody you meet. This is relaxation. Receive.

[16:35]

And also inwardly, in your own experience, if greed comes up, give greed to greed. If hatred comes up, give hatred to hatred. Practice giving with greed, hate, and delusion. In other words, relax with greed. Relax with hate. Relax with delusion. If kindness comes up, how wonderful. Give kindness to kindness. Relax with kindness. If nonviolence comes up, give nonviolence to nonviolence. Relax with nonviolence. Receive nonviolence.

[17:44]

Receive hate. Welcome nonviolence. Welcome hate. Receive, receive, and give. Give and receive. With everything inwardly and outwardly. And also remember, in emptiness, this is just a ceremony. Don't make too big a deal out of this actual practice of the Buddha's. So a little circle is by practicing relaxing completely with everything, by practicing giving and receiving with everything, The body becomes soft and flexible and open.

[18:55]

The body becomes soft and flexible and open. And the mind becomes soft, flexible, and open. This characteristic is the main characteristic of a tranquil mind. The people who practice samatha, tranquility, the main characteristic, the main criterion for it is soft, flexible body-mind. So you're sitting, and then the experiences come up, you relax with them all, you become soft and open, and you open to ultimate truth. You open to the one practice of all beings. And you enter. And you let it embody you. You let yourself embody it.

[20:08]

And then you act from there. And the way you act from there is to practice relaxing, giving, and receiving. And again, open into the truth, entering, embodying, and enacting. That's just a simple circle of practice. And again, to say it again, practicing giving, practicing completely relaxing with whatever arises inwardly and outwardly, the body becomes soft, the mind becomes soft, and there is the openness for body and mind to drop away. Body and mind is dropping away all the time.

[21:11]

Body and mind is always dropping away. But we need to be soft and flexible and open to it. When we're open to it, we let it happen. When it happens, we enter reality, which is always here. Now we enter it. We enter it outwardly and inwardly, all directions, without moving at all, because we're already there. One of the most difficult things for human beings, and one of the places where I've experienced Zen studies, want to take a break from practice, is when it's time to choose or to make decisions.

[22:12]

And maybe you've heard the beginning of a famous text which starts out, the way, the Buddha way, is not difficult, except for picking and choosing. If you're picking and choosing, it gets really difficult. But even people who aren't trying to practice the Buddha way have a hard time when it comes to picking and choosing. So, someone asked me, if you're practicing giving, what about picking and choosing? Basically, if you're practicing giving, if you're practicing relaxing completely, you're not picking and choosing. What about decision?

[23:17]

What about them? If you have a decision, relax with it. Give the decision to the decision. If you don't have a decision and you think you need one, relax with that. Let not having a decision and feeling like you need one, relax with that. Don't do anything. with the thought, I need a decision and I don't have one. And I'm upset. Relax with that completely. A decision might come, or it might not. If it comes, relax with it. If it doesn't, relax with that. In the context of emptiness, in the context of practicing together, we do not make things by ourself.

[24:23]

Everything is given to us and we get everything that's given to us. Decisions are given to us and we give them away. In the Buddhadharma, nobody takes anything. that's not given. We receive decisions and give them away. We don't pick, we don't take, we don't get. Again, picking, taking and getting are painful, but we feel not overwhelmed by picking and taking, and we feel more in control when we're picking and taking.

[25:32]

If we're receiving, we feel fine, but we may feel afraid that we will be overwhelmed and lose control. When you receive, you're not in control. You're alive. And when you're alive, it's good to relax and give up trying to control. I say. It's my brick day, I say so. And I thought of this, and this came to my mind, I don't know, 47 years ago, I was playing, I was playing judo.

[26:38]

And judo means gentle way. I was playing the gentle way. We say in Judo, play. We don't fight. We play. And we're encouraged in playing Judo to relax. People might think, if I relax, I may get thrown across the room. And the answer is, yes, you may. If you don't relax, you also might get thrown across the room. However, generally speaking, if you do relax when you get thrown across the room, you will learn the gentle way. But if you don't relax, the main thing you learn is not relaxing is no good.

[27:47]

It's the main thing you learn. You don't learn the gentle way. Maybe the reason I thought of this is because I was talking to a martial artist during this retreat. And so one day I was playing in a judo class and it was my turn to play with the teacher. Let me say one more thing before I tell you this story. I'll tell you another story. The story is that in Judo, the first thing they teach you in a gentle way is what? Falling. The first thing you learn is falling. The first thing you learn is being thrown so that you won't be afraid of being thrown. So you can relax with being thrown because you know how to be thrown. Anyway, I learned how to be thrown pretty well.

[29:02]

So I was playing with my teacher. I still remember his name, Mike Smith. Nice American name. So I was playing with the teacher. I was pretty much a beginner, actually. And so I assumed, you know, when the students, especially the beginning student, playing with the teacher, the beginning student gets thrown. The teacher shows a way to throw the student. So I was, you know, I didn't know how he was going to throw me, but I was ready for it. And I was relaxed. I didn't mind if he threw me. I wasn't going to lose anything, probably. So I was playing with my teacher. I was relaxing my teacher. I was giving my teacher a student. I was receiving my teacher being a teacher. And we were playing, and then I didn't pick, I didn't choose, but I received a throw of my teacher.

[30:11]

He gave me his body to be thrown. So his body was thrown. And everyone was quite surprised, including me. Perhaps I was the most surprised. It was very, very fast. We were just playing, and suddenly, he was on the ground. I was very surprised. And up until that point, I was very relaxed. I'm not sure about the teacher, but I think he was surprised. But I have a feeling he wasn't relaxed. I just had that feeling he wasn't relaxed. So since he wasn't relaxed, for him the surprise was not a pleasant one. But for me, I was quite relaxed.

[31:21]

And for me, it was very amazing. Maybe he was picking a throw or something. I don't know. But anyway, he didn't seem to be terribly happy to have his beginning student throw him. And I really didn't take it very personally. I was just amazed. The choice of the throw, of the move, was really given to me. And then I gave it back. That was a moment of reality. And I share that with you. So the sitting practice in the Zen school is one where you sit still and then things happen, things happen, things happen, and you have the opportunity to relax with them, welcome

[32:49]

Receive them. Receive them. And to everyone you receive, make it a gift. Make everything you receive a gift. In other words, practice giving with what you receive. And then all these things, even very difficult things, become the ground. Sometimes the ground is very difficult ground, very painful ground, very frightening ground. But if you practice that way with all these things, this great beautiful lotus flower of giving grows up in the mud of fear, pain, worry. The lotus grows very nicely in that field of difficulty. If You relax with it. And sit upright in it.

[33:51]

And be honest about it. And the lotus grows. It can also grow in pleasant experiences. You don't have to be having a hard time. It can grow there too. So sometimes there's minutes or seconds or maybe even an hour of pleasant experience while sitting. So you smile. This isn't bad. This is great. Wow. I've been waiting for this. That's okay. But relax with that. Relax with it. Give it away. like I often mention, Suzuki Roshi said, sometimes I sit and I feel like I could sit forever. In other words, sometimes it's pretty pleasant. And it's kind of like, okay, we can just go on indefinitely, no problem.

[34:56]

But when the bell rings, I get up and do walking meditation. So, Same with, sometimes I sit in and I feel, if I think about it, like I can't sit one more moment. It's so painful. It's so difficult. And if the bell rings, I get up and do water meditation. No matter how difficult it is, learn the ceremony of relaxing completely with it, of receiving it. Thank you very much. So this is Zen psychotherapy.

[36:03]

This is saving all sentient beings as a ceremony. I just wanted to mention like a kind of commitment, but I think maybe I'll bring it up later, like tomorrow. But I want to address some language in what we chanted at the beginning, where it says, Although our past evil karma has greatly accumulated, in being the cause and condition of obstacles in practice of the way, May all Buddhas and ancestors who have attained the Buddha way be compassionate to and free us from karmic effects, allowing us to practice the way without hindrance.

[37:08]

May they share with us their compassion, which fills the boundless universe with the virtue of their enlightenment and teaching. I want to talk to you about that later. And one more final thing this morning I'd say is another way to say the teaching is that when you give the Buddha way to the Buddha way, you realize the Buddha way. all of us right now can make a gift of the Buddha way. We may not know what it is or where it is, we can't get our arms around it, but this great Buddha way that has existed in this planet, whatever it is, I don't know what it is, but I would like to give it to itself.

[38:13]

When you or I, or we, give the Buddha way to the Buddha way, we realize the Buddha way. When you realize the Buddha way, you have given the Buddha way to the Buddha way. And you can take the word Buddha out and just say, when you give the way to the way, you realize the way. When you realize the way, you are giving the way to the way. Whenever you realize the way, it's when you have given the way to the way. You can take away the way and put Buddha back in. When you give Buddha to Buddha, and Buddha does not mind you giving Buddha to Buddha. When you give Buddha to Buddha, Buddha goes, ooh, thank you. Buddha loves us to give Buddha to Buddha. No problem. Thank you.

[39:19]

Thank you. When you give Buddha to Buddha, you realize Buddha. When you realize Buddha, you have given Buddha to Buddha. When you relax with Buddha, you realize Buddha. When you give the Judo teacher to the Judo teacher, you realize the Judo teacher. This is a very nice sitting cushion. Yeah. I was happy this morning when Liselotte asked us to stand and chant happy birthday in Swish.

[40:55]

It's my birthday too. So happy birthday. You wanted Swish. Aren't you Swedish? No, no, no. You don't have any trouble receiving that? LAUGHTER Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Thank you. No, actually... Actually... It's hard to receive, isn't it?

[42:03]

But that brings to what I wanted to talk about. Great. This unpleasant guest. And for me it's doubt and not trusting. Like when you say turtle shells melting... Immediately there was this little voice in me, no, no, no, no. I know in Zen groups the shells are getting harder and thicker and, you know, ten years. And Did you understand what he said? He's saying that, I said that the turtle shells sometimes, at the end of the session, I find them getting soft. And he said, no, no, I've seen Zen groups where people's turtle shells get harder and harder. After ten years, they still have a hard shell.

[43:04]

He saw that. I don't disagree with him. I've seen that too. But what I'm telling you is, I also see the turtle shell melt. And when the turtle shell gets harder... that gives me a chance to melt, to say, welcome harder and harder to the show. That's a gift to me, the students getting harder and harder and harder. This is a gift to me. I would thank you for getting harder and harder. Don't you ever get upset? I mean, I'm here. When are they going to learn? No? Do you want me to get upset? If that helps.

[44:09]

Yeah, let me know. If you want me to get upset, if you think it's helpful, I'll get upset. There is some maturity going on here. I used to be different. I used to say things like, in the Zendo, if you move, I will perch you. I'm happy to say that again. But I don't say that so much anymore. But when I see upset, I do see upset. And if I see it in myself, I would do the same thing if I see it in another.

[45:11]

And that is, I would practice relaxing and being playful with it. That would be my vow. That's what I think we really have come to this world to do, is to be playful with people who do not know how to play, to relax with people who do not know how to relax, and to be relaxed with how long it takes them to learn to relax. What do you do with people who don't trust or who doubt? I give the doubter to the doubter. I do the ceremony of receiving the doubter. Oh good, I got a doubter. Thank you for coming. Welcome, doubter. That's the first thing. I have a little room, open the door, in comes the doubters. But these doubters are doubters who want to show me their doubter.

[46:12]

It's a different doubter. So if the doubter is on the street, walking up and down the street. I see them. They doubt. They doubt that I'm their friend, that I'm their close friend. They doubt it. They're afraid of me. They're afraid of each other. I see them. Same practice. But they don't look at me. They don't see. But the doubter comes in and finds out who can doubt. And that's I welcome the doubter. I don't like the doubter. I don't dislike the doubter. I welcome the doubter. That's my vow. So the next day he doubts more. Will he welcome me if I doubt more? That's my challenge. Whoa, this is a big one. And if I can welcome him, we both feel very happy. And so people after many years say, thank you for your patience.

[47:19]

And I say, you're welcome. I was practicing that for decades. But it's a great joy to practice patience without humans. With humans who think, I can't give the Buddha way to the Buddha way. Who can? You can. I doubt it. I understand. You doubt it. Yeah, I had problems with that. Giving others to others. What is he talking about? Yeah, what is he talking about? And even after you understand what I'm talking about, you still may say, well, no. No way. Also, give your breakfast to your breakfast. Right? Give the earth to the earth. Give the sun to the sun. Give the ocean to the ocean. Give the wind to the wind.

[48:21]

You do anyway. In reality, the whole universe is based on you. You're giving the whole universe to itself. Join the program. It sounds too beautiful. It sounds too beautiful. But okay. That's my problem. Some other good students also think you're making it too beautiful. People will substantialize it. But also they'll make ugliness substantial too. So I offer this incredibly beautiful Buddha land, which is not separate from this, I offer it. It's been given to me to offer to you. And I also relax if you do not want to receive this wonderful offering. And if you resist, I welcome your resistance.

[49:30]

If you accept, I welcome your acceptance. If I tremble, you welcome my tremble. If you tremble, I welcome your tremble. And if I don't welcome your trembling, I confess, before the Buddhas and ancestors, before the Buddhas and bodhisattvas, I confess, I did not welcome his trembling. I'm sorry. And now I go back to my commitment to welcome his trembling. If I confess my unwelcoming, to the Buddhas. Ignore the way they root. Thank you for the birthday present. Another thing related to the turtle shell melting during the retreats, another example I sometimes give is if you have a house plant or even a land, just to say a house plant, and it hasn't been watered a long time, if you pour water on it, it just runs off.

[51:02]

It doesn't sink in. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. But if you just spray it with a mist, the mist will sit on the earth and will sink in. And you spray it some more, it will sink in more. And you spray it some more, it will sink some more. And then the earth will be moist and wet. And then if you pour the water on, it goes right in. So at the beginning of the retreats, I'm a little bit careful not to pour a lot of water in because I don't want to waste water. So at the beginning, I don't really like... Because it's sad to see it run on the floor. It's, you know, get out of here! So I just, I just, and then people get more and more moist.

[52:04]

At the end of session, you pour the water on, just close, no matter what I say, I go, it goes right in. Good morning. Good night. Because they're, they're Morrison, you know, they're ready. Now, okay, I can, okay, yeah, whatever. Stupid guy, yeah, fine. It doesn't matter. If you just sit there, you will get wet. You will become more. And you will let the Dharma, you will let the Dharma in. You will. If you keep running away, And not being here, not being here, not being here, if you keep running away, you're running away from what's coming to give itself to you, reality.

[53:12]

So that's the nice thing about this simple practice of sitting still and letting it come, of learning to let it come. Because if you say, oh, don't knock me, knock that, knock that, don't knock me, don't knock me, I don't know. After a while, okay, okay, all right. I hope they don't ring the bell. Any other birthday gifts? My heart is beating hard and it is difficult to walk up there.

[54:16]

It is difficult to walk up there. And talk to you like this. And also to the whole group. Also to the whole group. You mean everybody has difficulty? No, I have difficulty. I would like to speak to you and to everyone here as we are a group. But it's difficult. What you're doing right now? It's difficult what I'm doing right now. Thank you for mentioning that. It's difficult, but she's doing it. And I know it's because of my expectations. The expectation demon or whatever you... Expectation demon. Yeah. And I try to give these expectations to the expectation demon. I'm not very successful. And so I'm aware of this expectation, demon, but it's not enough.

[55:16]

Oh, there's another demon. The not enough demon. So give the not enough demon to the not enough demon. Be relaxed with not enough. It's another one. I hear that a lot. Not enough. Or enough. You can call them both beings. It's enough and not enough. One is anxiety. The other is complacency or arrogance. Those are beings, too. Enough is a being. Not enough is a being. It's a word, but it's a being. that we should welcome. So welcome all those different kinds of demons connected to, for instance, this expectation business.

[56:24]

Yes. Welcome expectations. Is that giving myself to myself? Yes. If you have an expectation. And that's also the ceremony. If somebody else, if I have no expectations but you have expectations, then I give your expectations to your expectations. And that's a ceremony. Actually... In reality, you always give everybody to themselves, in reality. That's the actual reality of emptiness. That's the actual reality of Buddha's world, is you're constantly giving everybody to everybody, and everybody's giving you to yourself. So we do a ceremony like that. And the ceremony of practicing giving opens us to the reality, which is always there. And when you enter, you realize, oh, that... It's always like this. This is our normal situation, is to be generous.

[57:29]

But we miss it sometimes. And be generous means be generous to others' needs to see that they're generous too. That when they give you a turtle shell, that's a gift. When they give you dry earth, it's a gift. When they reject the teaching, that's a gift. Now, of course, when they reject the teaching, it comes because they don't see it. But that's the way it works. They give you the truth. So we do the ceremony of welcoming expectations. We do the ceremony of giving expectations to expectations. We do the ceremony of giving ourself to ourself. And then we realize that we're always doing that. So giving myself to myself in this way, it's also selflessness.

[58:31]

It's also selflessness. When you completely give yourself to yourself, you forget yourself. It's hard to understand. When you completely give others to others, you forget yourself. Yes. But if I give you to yourself and there's a little bit of me left over in giving you to you, then I haven't really given you completely to you. I give you to you so completely that there's nothing of me left. Then I realized all the demons. It's like, okay. Okay. Because when you're giving someone to themselves, if there's still a giver left over, you didn't do it thoroughly. I give Maryan to Maryan, I give Maryan, I'm going to really give Maryan to Maryan, so much so that there's no reb left over.

[59:33]

There's just giving. And that's, again, emptiness, is that there's no person separate from the giving. There's no giving and giver separate. You can't find the giver separate from the gift and the giving and the receiver. You can't get any of them away from each other. They're all doing the same practice. So when you give yourself completely, You forget yourself. And you also forget the other. But first of all, now all there is is the other. And then you forget the other because you forget that the other is not yourself. All you have is the other. And then everything you see gives you life. Everything you see realizes you. including expectations and the pain around them.

[60:37]

And that comes at realization. When you relax completely with it, when you're completely generous, so completely that there's no you anymore, be generous. So I give you to you, I give you all my things, and I throw in myself to... Just finish, just... And then we're fine. No holding back. But it's difficult. I see that. Someone said to me, people are coming to see me in Doksan, so some people are not afraid to come to see me in Doksan, but I think it's more frightening to come to see me in the group. So some people mentioned that they think people are quite afraid to come here, so thank you for coming. Christina, if it's easier for you to move around a little bit, please do so.

[61:48]

Just walk around there, fine. His back's bothering him. Any other birthday gifts? I would like to do the ceremony of... Could you speak up, please, Charlotte? Yes. I would like to do... Is it hard to speak up? Yeah, because I might... Yeah, please speak up. Please. If time's okay. But try long. Oh, yeah. Laughing's okay.

[62:57]

I would just like to do the ceremony of giving you my gratefulness. Could you hear what she gives? Thank you for doing that ceremony. When using the words I, me, and mine in normal speech, it narrows my mind.

[64:09]

My mind gets... Can you hear her? Yes. She says, when I use the word I, me, and mine, it narrows her mind. Yeah. So I... Nice poem. Thank you. It's a tricky word. Do you believe it? They are tricky, these words. They're tricky words, yeah. Yeah, so I would like some advice to go around it. To go around it? How, for example, what did Buddha say when he talked about himself? Did he say, I? He said, I am. Because he wanted to show people that it's possible to say I and be free of He could have, you know, constructed sentences that avoided the word, but he wanted to show people that he was really free. So he said, I, [...] I. And me and mine?

[65:12]

And me and mine, he did. And he pointed out that those words are tricky. He pointed that out. How? And how can you give an example of Can you give an example how these tricky words can be paced in a very generous way? Can I give an example? Well, just now you brought them up and I accepted them. I was, and you accused me of using them and causing trouble for you. I accept that. That's one example. Want another one? I know. And another generous way to deal with these words is to inquire about what they are.

[66:22]

What is this eye? The Buddha talked about that a lot. What is the eyes? Is it your body? Is it not your body? Is it your seeing? Is it your hearing? Is it your talking? Is it your tasting? Is it your smelling? Is it your touching? Is it your emotions? Is it the sky? Is it the earth? So he asks questions about this story of the eye. That's part of his graciousness. Like a guest comes and you say, what are you? Where did you come from? What are you? But you're not trying to get anything, you're just graciously playing with the guest. So if other people say, I, you can ask this question, you can also invite them to ask you about your I.

[67:30]

And Buddha's students did come to Buddha and asked Buddha about the self and about the I. Many conversations about this. Many playful conversations. I think it is when this mind wants to have a little more control over its situation, it comes up the mind, the me, the I. There is a desire often for getting control of situations. And to let go of that control, that is not so easy. It's not so easy, no. But again, if you start practicing giving, As you get more and more into the giving, you become less and less afraid and more joyful.

[68:33]

And in the process, without even noticing, you may find out you're not trying to control anymore. Like with my story about the judo teacher. I was not trying to control him. I was just playing with him. I didn't think I could control him. The nice thing about it was I didn't think I could control him at all. Because he's the teacher, so... You gave up. So I gave up, yeah. But I didn't just give up and sit on the floor. I gave up and played with him. I gave up and I gave myself to him. And I gave my young body to him, and I gave my energy to him, and I gave my attention to him. And I wasn't trying to control him. And then a surprising thing happened. With someone in my place, oh, you controlled him. But I didn't control him. He just got thrown by all that generosity. So giving up is a good way to do it. Giving up is a good way. It is the way.

[69:36]

But practicing the ceremony of giving comes to fruit as giving up. And not be afraid of anything. I wouldn't say not be afraid. It's not that you try not to be afraid. It's you become not afraid. When you really are practicing giving, you won't be afraid. It is, yeah, that feeling. The feeling disappears and also the separation between yourself and other things disappears. When there's no separation between you and other beings, the giving comes to fruit as wisdom. You don't feel like the giver, the gift, and the receiver are separate. You realize emptiness of the giving. So you have giving comes to fruit as wisdom, and when you're not wisdom, there's no hindrance, there's no fear. But you have to practice usually the ceremony quite a bit to do it thoroughly.

[70:41]

And then again, and again, and again for the rest of eternity until all beings join the practice of giving. So it's a process, some kind of a process? It's a process which we call buddha-way. The buddha-way process of pulling all beings into the practice of relaxing and playing together. We did a ceremony of relaxing and playing together to realize what Buddhas realize, which is that all beings are at peace and harmony with each other. They see that, and they're very happy to see that, and they want to teach others how to enter that vision and act from there. So the way that Buddhas and Bodhisattvas act from that vision is to look at it and teach others about it. And practice. And say, I and I and me, maybe sometimes, as part of it.

[71:47]

I'm aware of the fragility of life. And I don't know how long I will live, but I'm certain about one thing. that I'm prepared to leave my wife and my daughter and to spend the time I have left only to the practice

[73:43]

prepare myself to die because I'm afraid to die in one way. I'm scared to die. And the only medicine that helps me is sitting alone in the hut in the forest and living a simple life. Zazen, chanting, food, samu, zazen. And it resonated in all my system, all this system here. And I love them very much. I love my daughter. I love my wife. But I will continue alone. And I have to prepare myself because in a way I'm scared to die. I feel I'm too young, I feel I'm too... I'm clinging to this life.

[74:56]

And all those thoughts are emerging from the practice during all this last year, since I met you last year. So in one way, I meet the family, I meet the needs, I do all my best, And at the same time, I hear this sound inside, like an echo. I relax with that also.

[76:04]

And it's very difficult. Difficult to relax or difficult after you relax? Difficult to even relaxing to hear the sound, to hear the echo and turn my back from this echo I hear. And I've been very touched the first time, the first session four years ago when you told us about leaving your family, leaving your daughter for your teacher. And also your advice to me. And this resonated in me too. But you know, when it's a question of life or death, death is not a big thing, but I need to prepare myself.

[77:16]

I have anything other to do than preparing myself to that. And it's by living, and living means... in living. You prepare yourself by living. What do you understand now? Maybe it's unclear between... Yeah, maybe it's unclear. Is it clear for you, what I'm saying? Because I'm struggling with the language, too. I think you're doing well. So my final little... I want to clarify, when you say you're going to practice alone, do you mean alone with all beings? I mean alone with all beings, yes, of course. It's what I mean. Only with all beings? And all the other things. Other things besides all beings?

[78:18]

What else is there? Everything, you know what I mean, now you are teasing me. No? You understand what I mean, right? No, I just want to know, do you think there's something else besides all beings? I just want to clarify that. All that my mind is aware of, and I include everything, everything that I'm aware of. So that's what you're going to practice with? It's what I do every day. And you're going to continue? Yes, Rep. Yes. Sounds good. And now you're going to invite our beings to give you feedback? I feel open to that. Yeah, but are you going to invite them to do the ceremony and give any feedback?

[79:20]

How do you mean? Well, for example, I say to people here, I say, do you have any feedback for me? And then sometimes they come and say something to me. Yeah. Are you going to say that to people? Yeah. Good. You didn't ask for feedback just now, but I gave you some by asking you if you're going to ask. That's a ceremony. I want to check to see if you can do that ceremony of asking for feedback. Here and now? Here, but also after the retreat's over, are you going to ask your wife and your daughter for feedback? You're going to ask your friends after the retreat's over for feedback. Are you going to do that ceremony? Yes, I used to act in that way.

[80:23]

I thought I misunderstood what you said. No, I'm just clarifying what ceremonies you're going to do. Because if you say you're going into the woods, I just want to make sure that if you go into the forest, you're going to still be asking for feedback. Yes, I'm not... asking people to help you with your practice as a ceremony. Because you, they are helping you, but I want to make sure that you're going to do the ceremony of enacting that they're helping you by asking them to help you. That will be part of your preparation to live fully. Yeah. I just want to clarify the forms. Yeah, yeah. No, no, wait, yeah. And then when we're clear about the forms, then I can keep checking with you about the form that we understand we're practicing together.

[81:29]

Going to the forest doesn't mean going in this little hut in the coffer, you know? Coffin. Coffin, yeah, coffin. No, I'm not meaning that. It's going into the little hut with all beings and asking them to come and join you. They're out there. They're there, but you need to do the ceremony to realize they're all there. See this point? When you go into the forest and sit in the house, all beings are with you, You can think that, but if you don't do the ceremony of inviting them, you don't understand it. So that's why we have to do the ceremony of inviting the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas and all beings to come and practice with us, to realize that they're practicing with us.

[82:41]

And if you do that, then I know how to join them. It is the base for the sitting. You sit and give for all beings. You practice for all beings. That's the basis, but you have to do the ceremony to realize it. And I just want to clarify that. When you say you have to make the ceremony, yeah. Yeah. Explain what do you mean exactly. For example, someone has a teacher. They do have a teacher, but they do the ceremony of going to the teacher and saying to the teacher, be my teacher. They do that ceremony to realize the relationship.

[83:45]

And I may say to you, I may think I want your feedback, but I do the ceremony of saying to you, I welcome your feedback. I really feel that way, but I do the ceremony to enact that so we can realize it together. That's the reason. All right. So your sense of fragility is very good. We should all have that. I mean, I pray that we all feel our fragility. That really helps us be sober. You know sober? And serious and sincere in our practice. If we think we're not fragile, it's harder for us to be sincere and wholehearted.

[85:00]

So it's good. And so I pray that you will be relaxed and playful with fragility, with the sense of fragility. Take good care of the sense of fragility. It's a really, it's a great treasure. But don't tense up with it. Be playful and relaxed. I pray that. And I pray that I will be relaxed and playful with my fragility. Yes, I hear you completely. And at the same time, you know, when you are at the hospital with all those things and... Yes?

[86:09]

Yes, what? I want to go back there. I want... What? I don't want to go back there. You don't want to go back there. Well, I don't want you to go back there either, but I want you to relax and be playful with the not wanting to go back there. I don't want you to tense up around not wanting to go back there. I don't want to tense up with your not wanting to go back there either. I want you to be generous with the feeling, I don't want to go back there. Don't let that feeling fool you. I think it's easier to pass away in the forest alone, with all beings, and like a fire diminishing day after day.

[88:12]

It will be easier. Maybe so. I sometimes have thoughts like that too. Yeah. About the easy way to die. Yeah, the easy way. I sometimes think of that. For me, I think, what a nice easy way would be to take a walk into the Sierra Nevada mountain range. Just take a walk in the winter up there. Just keep walking until you get tired. And then sit down and go to sleep. And that's the end. Freezing to death is not so painful. As you start to freeze, you start to feel warm. It's a sign that you're getting cold. And then you start getting colder, and when you start getting colder, you start feeling, hmm, it's not so bad after all.

[89:19]

I feel, hmm, comfortable. And then you feel, you know... So I sometimes think of the easy way to die rather than maybe a harder way, like being with lots of people around me and, you know, drooling. and wetting my pants and losing my mind and looking stupid and frightened. This is harder. So I think, I sometimes think, I confess, I sometimes think, when I start to get a little bit Alzheimer's or a little bit can't hold my stuff inside anymore, I'll just go up and freeze. Come back here now. Come back here. They are false. False. Okay. We got that out of the way, didn't we?

[90:21]

Any more birthday presents? just gets coming.

[92:27]

Thank you for the birthday gift. Tomorrow I can ask for a day after birthday gifts. Now, think. I was kind of fishing for something to say because I just wanted to get up here.

[94:06]

So I found the route of the fishing and I have a confession to make. I'm getting greedy because I think I want you just to myself. Shall we go now? Take my hand and we'll fight. I'm yours and we belong together. Thank you. And by the way, I'm still here.

[95:23]

Yeah, since you're still here. I'm still happy with being greedy for you, but I thought, you know, it might happen that you talk about a ceremony you do, a ceremony of going and saying, that I want you to be my master, or I want you to be my teacher. Just maybe. Maybe? Maybe, yeah. But for now, I'm still not decided.

[96:26]

Please be welcoming to not decided. Thank you for the gift of not decided. It's a beautiful gift. Because it's who you are right now. But at the same time it feels like I would like to say, I want you to be my teacher, but I'm afraid of what that would mean. Maybe I would say it, and then... Well, even if you said it, then I would give you the gift of asking what you mean by that. So then we would exchange gifts to understand what you mean by teacher. and then it would become clear what you mean, and you'd become clear whether that's really what you want, and also I would become clear about what it was, and I could tell you whether that would be appropriate in my view.

[97:34]

Okay. Sometimes people, what they want in a teacher, I don't think it's appropriate for me to give. For example, many people come to me and say, will you be my teacher? And I say, what do you mean by that? And they say, well, will you tell me what to do? And I say, I don't want to do that. I used to do that, but then people wouldn't follow my instructions. Feel bad. I think it was good. It was good. So I switched to, you know, helping them become themselves. That seems to work much better. So if you want me to help you become Rastunas, for example, that's what you're going to teach him, that would be something I would be up for. I'm up for reality. Yeah. That's cool. And as you know, cool is Zen. I heard that too.

[98:38]

In French, right? In French. Like that movie, you know, Diva? The Zen of buttering baguette. You know that? Cool. The cool way to butter a baguette. Yeah. do my best to give myself to whatever that was I wanted. Since it's your birthday, I would like to thank you very much in a way I haven't done before for offering a very good perspective point in my life when I really needed it.

[99:41]

And maybe that's the reason why I'm here today. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Good luck to you. Thank you. I would like to ask a question on behalf of my closest friend. She's the most generous person I ever know. And it was her birthday the day before we came here. It was Saturday, I think. And that was a very different birthday party because we came into talking about, she said, I feel like a chameleon. Chameleon? How do you say that? Chameleon. Chameleon. In English, chameleon. And she says, I've lost myself in giving to everybody, and that I think came to a shock to most of us, her saying that, because she's always been this very giving person. And now she feels very lost in that. She's missing the receiving. Maybe. She's not practicing sitting or anything like that. So she's lost herself because she, and now she can remember receiving.

[100:45]

That's the next thing. How would I advise her, you think? How would you advise it? In a simple way, yes. I guess I would be generous with her in the state of having lost herself. Of course. Just give her, let her be that way. Yeah. And there is not like a very simple, I understand what you're saying, but for somebody not sitting, not somebody who hasn't ever sat, but who's been giving all their life. If you, whoever it is, whether they've been giving, everybody's been giving all their life. But when people say, for example, I've lost myself, then you can show her how to continue the practice of giving in this new difficult arena of having lost yourself. Let her be that way. Let her be lost. Don't try to give her some advice to not be lost. It's a difficult gift to let her be lost, to let her be frightened or whatever.

[101:52]

Let her be that way. She's come to a new challenge in her giving practice called, I don't know who I am. And now she's having trouble being gracious with that. That's true. So if you can be gracious with it, she can feel that, and then she can start allowing herself to be a person who doesn't know who she is. which is a perfectly good person, but it's difficult not to know who you are, because then you don't know where to put the oatmeal. What is hard when she's not a person who sits? I'm not expecting her to do that. But if you teach her to accept who she is, that's sitting. Exactly. That's good to know. Thank you. So you've given me lots of birthday presents today.

[103:02]

Thank you. And one of the presents you could give me, if you want, is to sit today. That would be a wonderful gift to give to his entries. A day of sitting. It's their favorite gift. May our intentions be the way of strength for every human place. The way of faith, the way of love, the way of death, the way of life, the way of life, the way of death, the way of life, the way of life, The game is so well, yes, I would love to do it again. I would like to swear to give you some support as well. I'd like to be part of it to become great.

[104:05]

Now I would like to have walking meditation, if you'd be willing to give me that here. And after walking meditation, I'd like to recite this text that I will pass out to you.

[104:23]

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