This is a pure and simple color of true practice of the true mind of faith and the true body of faith. Ahem. In what we just recited, we said, we vow from this life on throughout countless lives to hear the true dharma.

[01:25]

And then a little bit later we said, upon meeting it, upon meeting the true dharma, we will renounce worldly affairs and maintain the Buddha dharma. So in that there is the hearing of the dharma, receiving of the dharma, and then after receiving it, taking care of it, maintaining it. Receiving and giving. Receiving and caring for. I think some time ago I, at one of the retreats here in Sweden, I gave a piece of Chinese calligraphy to you, which was this character here at the top. And this character is composed of, this part of the character is a radical, which means hand.

[02:33]

And then the other part is three characters, which each one means you or listen. And this character, I really appreciate it because it means to be embraced. It means to be nurtured. It means to be supported. It means to be cared for. It means to be guided. But it also means to support, to embrace, to care for, to nurture, to guide. In the Chinese characters for what we call the three pure bodhisattva precepts, this character is used.

[03:50]

So it's used to embrace and sustain, these three characters are to embrace and sustain, these three precepts are to embrace and sustain the forms and ceremonies. but also to embrace and sustain all hosting activity and to embrace and sustain all beings, to nurture all beings, to care for all beings, to guide all beings, but also to be embraced by and cared for and supported by and guided by all beings. So I like this character because the teacher, of course, guides the students and cares for the students and nurtures the students and supports the students and, you know, all that.

[04:56]

But also the teacher is guided by the students, cared for by the students, supported by the students. So I would say, you know, I could say, you know, in this school, and when I say this school, the Chinese character for school also means source. One Chinese character for school also means source. So I could say in this school, or in this source, or in this vehicle, But I also could say, in truth, in fact, in reality, it isn't just that the Buddha is supporting all beings, but all beings are supporting the Buddha.

[06:05]

It isn't that the Buddha has a teaching already that pre-exists the people that are taught. The people guide the Buddha to teach them. The beings guide Buddha to guide them. And when beings guide Buddha to guide them, beings support and nurture the Buddha activity. So I've said it again and again that the activity in truth is mutual activity, mutual responsiveness, cooperative creativity. In reality, we're cooperatively creative. We're creating together in reality. And yet, for certain reasons, which I don't really know what they are, but I'm in this position of speaking first today, it seems.

[07:27]

I'm playing the ceremonial role of the teacher. Sometimes the school is described as having two aspects in the practice. One aspect is sometimes called just sitting and the other aspect is called going to the teacher and discussing the Dharma. Can you hear, Wolf? You can come in. You can come in if you want.

[08:28]

You can hear better inside. Those two parts, one part just sitting, the other part going to meet the teacher. And listening to the dharma, asking about the dharma, discussing the truth with the teacher. And this is a kind of a circle. These two parts are kind of a circle. It's hard to say which one happens first. It's easy to say, but I don't know if it's true to say one's first. One is kind of intra-psychic. It's kind of within your body-mind. And the other is interpersonal. One is somewhat introspective.

[09:30]

The other is interpersonal. And yesterday, when we recited that text on the awareness of receiving and employing, or receiving a self and enacting a self, towards the beginning it says, from the first time you meet a master, just wholeheartedly sit and drop away body and mind. Remember that part? Maybe we'll recite it again today. It says, from the first time you meet a master, and it says without doing various practices that are usually done, just wholeheartedly sit. And thus, in that wholeheartedness, drop a white body and mind. So the meeting with the master, in this case, seems to come first. You meet the teacher,

[10:32]

And the teacher gives you instructions about how to wholeheartedly sit. How to just sit. And when you just sit, when you learn how to just sit, which is rather difficult to learn how to do, or in other words, when you learn how to just be yourself, body and mind drop away. But I just want to say that then after that happens, or as you're trying, let's say that happens, let's say you receive instruction from a teacher to how to wholeheartedly sit, and you wholeheartedly sit, body and mind drop away, you've learned the teaching from the teacher, but then you go back to the teacher and meet again. Hopefully the teacher is wholeheartedly sitting too,

[11:37]

and body-mind the teacher is dropping away. So then the person who's learned to sit wholeheartedly goes back and meets with the teacher who is hopefully practicing wholeheartedly. If the teacher is not practicing wholeheartedly, then the student can teach the teacher now. So then the two people together who are wholeheartedly being themselves and thus wholeheartedly dropping themselves, then they start playing together in a way, a new way. And this brings a flowering of the teaching that cannot be brought by one person wholeheartedly sitting and dropping body and mind alone. And then after playing together, they may both then again return, perhaps, to just wholeheartedly sitting and dropping away body and mind, and then come together again.

[12:53]

This teaching is saying that one person by herself cannot completely realize the Dharma. It takes two people, and really two dropped-off people. two people that have, it takes two people that have completely become themselves, and in that completeness, their self is dropped away. And then those two people together, playing together, meeting and playing together. That's the venue, that's the medium in which the Dharma is fully realized. So I Another way to say it is, the practice is just sitting, and the other part of the practice is go to the teacher, go and play with the teacher about the Dharma.

[14:02]

Go and relax with the teacher and play Dharma. Do Dharma play. Once we have received a self, and oftentimes we don't notice that we've received it, we just feel like we've got one. Once you have a life, which you may not have noticed that you received, then the first step in a way is to settle into your life.

[15:21]

In a sense, that's a push-to. Settle into yourself. And again, I'm stressing, settle graciously. Don't cram yourself. You know cram? Don't force yourself into yourself. Please don't. Gently set yourself on top of yourself. Gently settle your mind and body onto your mind and body. In other words, gently be present with yourself. There's a story in the Pali scriptures. It's a story called the Acrobats. There's many stories in the Buddha's teaching or parables where the Buddha has a skilled person and an apprentice.

[16:31]

So he has carpenters and carpenters' apprentice, butchers and butcher's apprentice. And this is a case of an acrobat and his apprentice, apparently a male acrobat and a female apprentice. And I think the apprentice actually might be his daughter. whose name is frying pan. Frying pan. Usually when you read it, it's a Pali word, but I've heard it translated as frying pan. So they're acrobats. They're called bamboo acrobats. And I'm not clear. Could I have that, please? I'm not clear exactly how they do the trick. One way they might do it is that the father has the bamboo, and he puts it on his chin or on his head.

[17:43]

And then his apprentice gets up on his shoulders and climbs up onto the top of the bamboo. That's one way you could imagine it. Anyway, some kind of balancing show that they're doing. So the father says to his daughter, he says, Now you get on my shoulders and climb up on the pole and you watch out for me and I'll watch out for you. And in that way, we will safely perform this feat and collect our money and go home." And she says, excuse me, Reverend teacher, but I think you've got it wrong. You should take care of yourself. And I'll take care of myself. And in that way, we will be able to do our balancing act.

[18:55]

And then the Buddha says, commenting on the story, he says, the daughter is correct. First, you should take care of yourself. Then, take care of others. And how do you take care of yourself? Well, in this case, he's talking about the four foundations of mindfulness, which are foundation of mindfulness of the body, mindfulness of feelings, mindfulness of conscious states or states of consciousness, and mindfulness of dharmas, of mental objects. Those are the four foundations of mindfulness. So the Buddha is saying, first you become mindful of your own body, your own breath, your own mind, your own feelings.

[20:04]

That's how you take care of yourself. If you take care of yourself that way, then you can take care of others. So that's a way of taking care of yourself that makes it possible for you to take care of others. And then he says, and how do you take care of others in a way that takes care of yourself? Well, you practice compassion, loving kindness, nonviolence with others. That's the way to take care of others, which takes care of you. And the way of taking care of yourself, that takes care of others, is basically be yourself. Settle yourself on yourself, put your feet on the ground and be aware of it, feel what it's like to stand on the earth, and then you can do various wonderful play activity with other beings.

[21:13]

So another way to say it is, first give yourself to yourself. Then you can give others to others. Then you can receive others. And when the Buddha teaches mindfulness of the body, for example, he says, first do it inwardly, in other words, be mindful of your own body, internally, then do it externally, in other words, pay attention to other people's bodies, and then do both, internally and externally. So before you give yourself to others, it's good that you give yourself to yourself.

[22:25]

If you start giving yourself to others before you give yourself to yourself, you really don't know what to give them. You might give them what they ask for, which might not be you. And then if you start giving people what's not you, under, apparently, the request for you to give yourself to them, you get more out of touch with yourself, and then you get in big trouble. Because you start maybe hating them for pressuring you to abandon yourself and betray yourself. So from the first time you meet a master, be yourself. Learn to be yourself.

[23:28]

Then you can give yourself to your teacher. From the first time you hear the Dharma, give yourself to yourself. Then you can give yourself to the Dharma. And I say then you can give yourself, but actually, in a sense, you do give yourself. Not in a sense. In reality, you do give yourself.

[24:32]

So if you do the ceremony of giving yourself to yourself, when that becomes complete, the completion of your giving yourself to yourself naturally includes giving others to others, and also includes giving yourself to others. And it naturally includes leaping into the Dharma, leaping into the truth, entering the truth. So some people sit and pay attention to their posture and their breathing. And if you completely give yourself to your posture and your breathing, if you completely settle your breathing onto your breathing, give your breathing to your breathing,

[25:45]

Not just like, okay, breathing, you can be breathing, but you really are there, wholeheartedly, giving your breathing to your breathing, giving your posture to your posture. Then, in that fullness of that, there is a leaping into the true Dharma. Leaping into the one practice. This Eihei Koso, Eihei Dogen, he says, he's got this, he writes this text called The Ceremony of Zazen.

[26:49]

Basic instructions on the Ceremony of Zazen. And he says, he gives instructions for settling down on yourself. And he says, after you've settled, after you've settled into the sitting, then think of that which doesn't think. Some translations say, think of not thinking. But today I would say, think of that which doesn't think. This is a slightly different instruction. Just now I said, if you really settle in the fullness of your settling, you will leap into, actually, that which doesn't think. What is it that doesn't think? The one practice doesn't think.

[27:55]

The one vehicle doesn't think. The Mahayana doesn't think. The Buddha way doesn't think. Buddha doesn't think. Buddha does think, but also Buddha doesn't think. This is emphasizing entering into the non-thinking part of Buddha. So once you've settled, then think of Buddha. A Buddha. Think of the one who doesn't think. Think of the one practice of all beings. I'm sitting here being myself, settling into myself, now I've settled. I've really settled. Now I think I'll think about the one vehicle which is surrounding the settled person. And I'll see now, am I leaping into the one vehicle?

[29:03]

Am I leaping into the Buddhist heart? Do I have any resistance? Do I have any other business to do here? Well, if so, settle into that. Completely. Until you're done with yourself, with being yourself. And now are you ready? You shouldn't jump before you have yourself to give. Then you might get mad at Buddha. Okay, I'm myself now. Now I have a self to give. People may like it, people may not like it, but this is the one I've got to give. This is the one I am. It's completely used up. Here it is. This is taking care of yourself in such a way that takes care of others.

[30:24]

When you take care of yourself completely this way, you will be nonviolent, you will be kind, you will be compassionate, but people won't necessarily like you. But you won't get burned out this way. Because you're giving your burned-out self. You're giving yourself completely used up. Got nothing to lose. So, you see the slight difference between what I was saying? If you're completely yourself, in the completion of being yourself, you naturally will leap into the truth. into the Buddha's life. You'll naturally give yourself to all beings. Just like Buddha gives herself to all beings, just like Buddha guides all beings and nurtures all beings and is nurtured by all beings, you'll jump into that mutual nourishment land.

[31:35]

the Buddha's word. Spontaneously, and spontaneously means no additional causation is necessary for the leaping to occur. But spontaneous doesn't mean without cause, it just means the completion of your generosity is sufficient cause for the leaping into the Buddha's life. Or into life, same thing. Into true life. The other way is to say, once you feel settled, think about the place you're going to leap to. Think about the Buddha. Think about the one vehicle. Think about the way we're all practicing together and doing the same practice. So there's two slightly different ways of dealing with the

[32:40]

of the practice. And again, if you feel like, okay, here we go, I'm leaping, I'm playing, I've entered the realm, and you can do that just when you're sitting then also take another step and go interact with somebody who plays the same game. I was talking to someone about someone who had given herself to her family and got, I would say, drained and burned out by giving herself to her family.

[33:56]

When I listened to her, I felt that he had given himself to his family, yes, but he didn't give himself to himself first. And then we feel drained when we don't give ourselves to ourselves first. And I would use the example of if you have children or students or parents or a spouse, and they ask something of you, and you feel like you don't want to do it, and you don't want to do it because you don't think it's good, or you're tired. If you give yourself to yourself, that means you give yourself to being the person who doesn't want to do it, who is tired.

[35:03]

And hopefully you give yourself completely to being a tired person or the person who doesn't think this is good. Completely. Now you, let's say you completely practice mindfulness of your own body and your own mind and you settle. Now you're ready. For what? To leap. To give yourself to the truth. And also, maybe you could also give the other to the other now. And let them be someone who's asking you to do something that you don't want to do. And then you can say to them, I don't want to do it. I'm tired. Or, I think this is not a good thing to do. Or, it might be a good thing to do, but I just don't want to do it.

[36:09]

I'm afraid, or whatever. And you give that to them. You may say, I have a gift for you. This is my gift. But whether you say it or not, you really feel that you've given yourself to yourself. This is the self you are, and this is what you have to give. And you don't feel necessarily very good about this self you've given, but this is the self you are. And they also do not necessarily feel good about the self you gave them. Like, for example, Daddy, play this game with me. I don't want to. They don't like that, probably. They may, they may not. But it's not so much a matter of them liking it, it's a matter of giving them reality, giving them who you are. rather than giving them who you aren't, which is what they think they want.

[37:15]

But if you give people what you aren't because you think that's what they want, then you have problems. Again, you might hate these people for accepting not you and wanting not you. And also, if you completely, if I completely give myself to myself and then completely give myself to the other, which they don't like, perhaps, and then they say, I don't like it. At that moment, you become a new person. The person you gave them, gone, you gave it away. Now you're a new person.

[38:19]

Now give them that one. And what's that one? So, for example, the child says, granddaddy, come and play with me. Granddaddy says, I'm tired, let me take a nap. No, no. Please, no. I'm giving him the tired granddaddy. He doesn't want the tired granddaddy, but I give it to him. Once, and then I got another tired granddaddy twice, maybe three times. And then the tired granddaddy's gone. And he says, no, no, no, play with me. I say, okay. It's a new guy. The energy I rested, I got rest from being myself. I let myself be tired three times. And I gave those three tired granddaddies to the little boy.

[39:28]

And now I'm not a tired granddaddy. I'm another one who's ready to play. giving yourself completely, settling yourself completely, you leap beyond yourself into a new person. And then again, give yourself completely. Question about translation. No, no, no. It's about belief. You're using it over and over again and it's not in my vocabulary. Jump. Jump. Jump. Hop. [...] It's important what you were using, I think it was slowly moving, but it's jumping, it's important.

[40:38]

Yeah, we say it's jumping like a fish. And we say spontaneous because the wholeness of the giving causes the leaping and the changing. And then if you feel, okay, now I've been sitting now and finally I'm really sitting and now the leaping starts and the sitting and the leaping and the sitting and the leaping. Then go see the teacher. and leap together to a new level of practice. Back and forth between settling, leaping.

[41:41]

Settle yourself, leap, and then do it with everybody. Everybody's helping you settle. Everybody wants you to settle, even though they say, don't be that way. I often mention that Sanzuki Roshi gave me the name Ten Shin Zenki. Ten Shin, he said, after he gave it to me, the day he gave it to me, he said, your name with Ten Shin, which means Reb is Reb. Reb is Reb. That's what Ten Shin means. In your case, it means Cecilia is Cecilia. That's a good name for you too. You can have it if you want.

[42:47]

He says, your Buddhist name means Reb is Reb. And then he said, people may have a problem with this. And they do sometimes. But the real problem they have is when Reb's not Reb. They have a problem when Reb's Reb, and they also have a problem when Reb's not Reb. But at least when Reb's Reb, they've got reality. They've got something to work with there, which they may not like. And the second part of the name is Zenki, which means the whole works. can be translated as the whole works. And the whole works is an interesting translation because in colloquial English, the whole works means everything.

[43:56]

Like the universe can be called the whole works. But in standard English, the whole works is a sentence, which means the whole works. And how does the whole work? It works as andes, as enma, as lisult, as deep. That's how the whole works. For example, the whole works as the wind through the trees. That's how the whole works. And when you are giving yourself to yourself, That is the whole works. That is everything as you. And that is the whole working to you. But if you don't give yourself to yourself, you don't appreciate that you are Zenki.

[45:00]

You are the whole works. But when you do give yourself to yourself, you realize that you are the whole works as you. You are the whole working as you. And then you give yourself. Then you leave. And then you should go play You should go play. To bring the leaping to the full flower. Thank you.

[46:23]

I want to give you two things, some feedback on yesterday and a question. Can you hear him? Yes. Excuse me, would it be okay to pitch to those people, or the people that speak? It's okay with me. Would these people like to face towards others? It would be okay for me to sit on the side like 90 degrees. Like this. But then I'd come back to some others. I'm okay with this. Feedback, yes. Giving and receiving is truly one thing. I experienced that yesterday. how the wind and the waves and the pain in my knees was giving me to myself. And I actually felt gratitude to my pain.

[48:08]

I wouldn't have believed that. So that's just, that's just the way it is. But I have another question as well, because giving the pain to the pain or the sound to the sound. Okay. But I have this little voice in my head, this little storyteller telling the story about Mikael Olta. randomly picking memories and jumping from, well, this and that. Maybe somebody knows what I'm talking about. And to work with this daydreaming, by giving the daydreaming to the daydreaming, it's very tricky, it seems to me, because I get caught up, I get swept away, and I'm not really aware of the present anymore.

[49:13]

So what I wonder is, am I making it too difficult for myself at the time? Do I have the wrong approach here to work with the daydreaming by giving it to myself? Are you dreaming now? Not in my awareness, no. But if I stop, yes, the thoughts, they always go on there somewhere in the background. Are the thoughts going on now? When I stop and think, yes. When I speak, I'm not aware of it. You're not aware of it. Yeah. But of course they are, I assume. Yeah, so can you be present with your thoughts right now? Yes, I can. Right now I can. But when I sit, I get swept away very easily. You're not aware of them. They're going on. And you're not aware of them. You're not present with them. Is that what you're saying?

[50:18]

What I mean is that I can... Maybe the basis of my practice is breath and posture. Awareness of that. And in my awareness I can include the receiving, the giving of the pain and the sound and sound work. But I cannot also include the ongoing daydreaming because I get caught up. It overwhelms me. And then, of course, I realize that and I step back out of it. When you say you can't include, does that mean you can't include and also continue to feel present? Exactly. Exactly. then my awareness of the giving that goes on from pain and sound or the awareness maybe even on my breath or posture, face, I'm not present.

[51:24]

I'm caught up in the data. So I think what I really want to ask is, I can, not turn my attention to the daydream, I can refrain, I can drop it as soon as I notice I'm touching it, I can drop it and return to the rest. But is that to exclude this guest? Is it the right thing with the right approach? If you, if somebody, does what you just described, and if somebody feels like that's exclusion, like if you felt you were trying to exclude these daydreams because you felt that they were too difficult for you to stay present with, if you felt like it was excluding, if I hear that, I want to practice being gracious to you who is excluding.

[52:29]

Okay. Yes. But it would be nice if you did too. That if you call it excluding, that you actually be gracious with it. In other words, that you practice giving even if you think you're excluding. If who you are is an excluder, let yourself be that way. I'm with you. And it's not like I feel I have to cut off... You're not just with me, you're with yourself. Because I don't feel hostility for this. I mean, it's kind of sweet. It's like a six-year-old checking all the time. It gets a little bit boring. It's kind of sweet. And so you're thinking sometimes of excluding the sweet six-year-old because it's hard for you to be present? Not to sort of close the door, but maybe rather turn my attention elsewhere.

[53:30]

Well, who's taking care of the six-year-old? She's gone by themselves. They play by themselves sometimes as well. Anyway, if you want to turn your attention away from the six-year-old, I want to be gracious with you. Even though somebody might think you're not a good caregiver of the six-year-old because you turned your back on him someone might think, you should be paying attention to that sick child and taking care of him. And you might say, If I take care of him, I can't do my practice, which a lot of people do say. Yeah. They don't want to take care of six-year-olds because they can't practice Zen. It seems to me there are two practices here, two versions, two. Well, these two, they're actually infinite practices. But I could practice taking care of the six-year-old and spend a lot of time doing that and coming back in again, you know, to being aware of doing that.

[54:34]

Yeah. Yeah. Or I could try the path for a while of paying attention to wind and waves and, well, what else posed you. Yeah, that's fine. I wanted you to tell me what to do. I am telling you what to do. I'm telling you to practice giving. Yeah. So if you're sitting and you feel like, okay, I don't feel hostile towards these daydreams. I don't feel hostile towards this sweet six-year-old. I do not feel hostile. I would say, great, I'm glad you don't feel hostile. Congratulations. Some people, some Zen students, do feel hostile towards those six-year-old boys. They do. And they think that that's good. Well... I don't really think it's that good that they're hostile towards sweet little six-year-old boys. But still, even though I don't think it's good, I don't hate them.

[55:40]

I vow to be gracious towards Zen students who are trying to eliminate six-year-old boys. You know, Zen murderers. Get this six-year-old. I can't be present when he's around, so get him. I'll get here. So my practice is, my vow is to be gracious with the guy who wants to get rid of the six-year-old. And also to be gracious with the six-year-old. And if he won't take care of him, I won't. That's my vow. But I could sometimes be the murderer's end student who wants to get rid of all the six-year-olds too. I could be that. I have been that. I'm recommending to you that you consider the practice, the bodhisattva practice, of not excluding anything, including that you want to include things. Because you feel like, these people, these beings sweep me away and I don't want to be swept away.

[56:49]

And now I'm giving myself away. the Zen student who does not want to be swept away, I'm giving myself to the universe. And now, sweep me away. I'll include also then my... Include your worries? My worries, yeah. Include your worries, yeah. My worries that my practice is not right, that it's drifting, that it's drifting to the six-year-old and to the trees. Embrace and sustain all beings. Embrace and sustain all your worries about being a below average Zen student. Huh? What? Embrace and sustain them. And also be embraced and sustained by them. Be nurtured. Be nurtured by your worries. Give your worries to your worries when they come. Learn in this way, to never be distracted from the bodhisattva path.

[57:53]

Not one practice, a thousand practices. Really just one practice, the bodhisattva practice, which has infinite variety. But you always, always, always practice in giving. That's the first one. That's the first way to take care of your bodhicitta, is by being generous. And gracious with all beings, including the being who wants to be a really good meditator and wants to eliminate anybody who's going to interfere with that. The cruel, powerful yogi who wants tremendous concentration to happen right here with this great yogi and get rid of all the children who interfere. Be gracious with that. So there's some Zen students who do not want to be great yogis, and the teacher is gracious with them.

[58:54]

There's other ones who want to be the best yogi on the planet, and the teacher is gracious with them. And maybe they actually do become the greatest yogi, the most concentrated person on the planet. That's, again, another six-year-old to be gracious towards. You will become Buddha, and being concentrated is one of the minor attributes of your Buddhahood. You will be as concentrated as you want to be. If you practice giving, you will become Buddha. You will have great compassion, great concentration, great wisdom, great patience, great giving, and all that. So, you will become Buddha, whether you like it or not. So don't worry. But if you worry, be gracious to your word. I'm just kidding when I said don't worry. It's good.

[59:59]

I wanted you to tell me what to do and you told me don't worry. Okay, don't worry. Don't worry. You will become Buddha. I would like to Yeah, go ahead. You may be getting an exemption from coming up here. But you can come up here if you want to. Okay. What do you want to say? Okay. Is it okay? I'm three years old boy, need to go pay attention to the tree for one minute.

[61:01]

Yeah? Yeah. By the way, anybody who needs to go to the bathroom, just go. Could that door be open? Is that okay? Is it okay to open that door? Is that okay? What's he laughing at? I would like to sit on the side.

[62:05]

You would like to sit down over here? I would like to come and sit down a little. Okay. Could I sit on the side so I don't have my back towards anybody? Yeah. Would that be okay? Okay with me. Or you can sit on my seat if you want. Oh, boy. Okay. Would you help if I would lean back? Let's see, I think we can do it like this. Hold on. Let me just think so that I can try to pick the pillow. Okay. One, two, three.

[63:08]

Okay. It felt like it would be a cop-out to have my back towards everybody. I think I've turned my back a lot to people in my life. We all have. We all have. Do you know what cop-out means? No. Can somebody tell me what cop-out means? I think it would be, what kapha means in the language that I've been using, it means not giving yourself to yourself.

[64:09]

When you don't give yourself to yourself, you turn your back on people. If you really give yourself to yourself, you can show yourself to people. So now you can show yourself. I had a confession and after that I had something that arose when I met with you on the interview and that I would like to ask you about. Or actually I would like to try and put some words to it and see maybe I understand it by coming up and sitting here and putting some words to it. But first I have a confession. When I saw you on the boat when we were coming here to the retreat, remember I was saying to you that Catherine McGee, I think I said, sent her love to you.

[65:17]

This was a slight abbreviation of the truth. And actually, I'd spoken to Catherine McKee, and then she sent me an email. And in the email, it said, give a kiss to Rev from me. In brackets, it said, on the mouth. Anyhow, so I saw you on the boat, and we had a smile, mutual smile, and then I got scared. I thought, I'm not going to say this to you. And I thought... Just the thought, you know, I had the sense that often people say these things like give a kiss and they don't actually mean it sometimes, literally.

[66:23]

But I thought we're talking about rep here. So I realized I was scared to show you that I was scared but thought to give you a kiss. So, I saw you coming closer, and you were sort of a few people away, saying hello to some people, and I thought, I'm just going to abbreviate this a little bit. I'm going to change it. And I kind of felt like I didn't want to get myself into a sticky situation. So... I thought I could say, Catherine sends her love to you instead. But that was not true.

[67:25]

And I think the thought to give you a kiss still frightens me. Especially on the mouth. Thank you for telling me. Thank you. Thank you for the gift. The other thing I realized with this thing was that... Once again, did you say the thought of kissing me on the mouth is frightening to you? Yes. Yeah, a big separation going on. Now, when I met up with you during the interview, I think I said, I'm not exactly sure of the correct words, but I said to you that I enjoy listening to you talking, and I said my body really enjoys when you talk.

[68:50]

My body likes it when you talk, when I sit and listen during the talks. Is that what I said to you? Yes. And afterwards I said something like, and you said, does it make you feel more embodied? And I said, yes. And then, when I was sitting yesterday, I remember that I said something to you before we parted about I have a fussy body, and I thought, what did I mean with that? What is it that likes what when I hear you talk? And so yesterday, this kept on coming up while I was sitting, and And I would like to try and put some words to it now.

[70:00]

So sometimes, if I'm not trying to understand what you are saying, and there is a stillness, and the words could come in, there is a sense of knowing. And in a sense, it's the body, but it's also not the body, it's the whole being. It's like a knowing in the being that what you say, but it's not actually the words, but it's the... Because... the words are embodied because they are spoken from the whole being. My whole being can receive them.

[71:06]

Sometimes, not always. And What I somehow understood yesterday was that a lot in my life I have had these experiences sometimes where there is a sense of knowing but then that knowing to move to expression has felt difficult. So, for example, when you talk, you speak certain things to us during this morning period and maybe during that morning period there might be a moment or sometimes maybe a couple where there is a sense of this knowing in the body, in the being but then if I afterwards might try to put these into words

[72:43]

it seems like that often can feel difficult. So let me explain, take one example. I was going to, some years ago, to this sutta study class when I was in England. I started to feel uncomfortable. Are you? Mm-hmm. Okay. You started to talk about going away from now. Okay. Okay. Okay, so I want to know now what's going on with you. You said to me, would you clear? Yeah. And I didn't say it in response to your question. And... But I kind of want to respond to your question about whether you've been clear.

[73:48]

May I? I want to ask you if you feel like you're giving yourself to yourself. Right now, I'm feeling uncomfortable. She said she's feeling uncomfortable and she's doing her best to allow that discomfort.

[74:58]

She said uncomfortability, but that's a more difficult word to say than discomfort, isn't it? So she's feeling uncomfortable, and she's trying to allow her discomfort. That was the answer to my question, are you giving yourself to yourself? And I was uncomfortable, and I let myself be uncomfortable, and I gave that to you. And I gave it to everybody. And then you, and then just, I'll come. How are you feeling? I'm still feeling uncomfortable. Are you giving yourself to that? I feel like you're holding back a little bit. I'm trying to relax as much as possible, but I do need to pee a little bit.

[76:11]

That's a little bit of a difficult thing. I don't want to relax too much. Come on. Is there anything you want to give me? No. I thought she was giving me something, but I also gave her the question, would you like to give me something? You seem quite present.

[78:14]

What do you say? Are you present? Yes. I understand that. I understood something when I said that there would be these moments of knowing or experience in the body of knowing. I think I am afraid to have, I feel like I am afraid to have these experiences, this experience of being present, moving around with my eyes open.

[79:41]

It is easier to have this experience of being present with my eyes closed. That was like it. Thank you. You want to stay here now that you're here? It's okay with me if you do. You can walk and stay. Anybody else wish to come up? We could maybe bring your... Here's a Tenzel healing. May we have your attrition? Yes, please.

[80:45]

For me, it's his. Again, I'm giving this to Timo, which is always nervous of talking in front of people. To all of us. And I am here, supported very much by Jana, to make a confession.

[81:53]

Yesterday you received a note saying that Eva wishes you a happy birthday. Could you hear that? He said, yesterday I received a note which said, Eva wishes you a happy birthday. But in fact... I got a short message on my mobile from her yesterday, which said, give Rap a kiss from me. It said, the short message said, give Rap a kiss from me. It also said that I see that it might be a bit difficult for you.

[83:08]

Did she tell you where to kiss me? No, she didn't. Interesting that nobody's kissing me, but people are telling other people to kiss me. Thank you very much. Can I kiss her? Did you say you're not going to? Not going to.

[84:09]

I was going to say no. Are you relaxed about that? No. Can I have some? Some water? Thank you, that's very kind of you. Now you have a seat. Yes, now can I settle in? Would you like some water? Dogen Zenji says, when people come, give them a seat and some water. Thank you. Well, I have a little story about a Humblebee.

[85:11]

It's called a Humblebee or Bumblebee? Bumblebee. Bumblebee. In English, Bumblebee. Yes. But Humblebee. Bumblebee. And I also want to apologize. I don't know if everybody saw that, but there was a Bumblebee in the center. A horsefly. A horsefly. Might have been a horsefly. I perceived it as a bumblebee. What is a bumblebee? It's too... And... Yeah, and Ulf chased it out and made a little noise. And I was disturbed by that and I reacted to that. I told him sort of not to do that or, oh my God, I said.

[86:15]

And I was also judgmental because I thought that he couldn't accept the bumblebee or horse life as it was. By doing that, he became my bumblebee or horsefly that I couldn't accept. I can see that happening so often in my life, that being judgmental to what I perceive as being judgmental. I guess this is kind of a confession. Yeah, it's a confession. and an apology. You're confessing that you feel judgmental towards unaccepting of things sometimes.

[87:20]

Yes. You feel ungracious to some things. Yes, but then I realized about a minute later that I could regard this as a gift from Ulf, actually. just as I regarded the Randovi or horse flag as a gift. And you can also see your judgmental thoughts as gifts also. I didn't get that far, but thank you for bringing that in. Yes. Yes. That's harder than possible. It's harder, but possible. Yes. And what is your wish? My wish is to see everything as good.

[88:23]

Please consider making a vow, making that wish into a vow. all of us, please consider making the wish to see everything as gifts into a vow, into a promise. Consider that. And if you are ready to promise to practice seeing everything as a gift, I would be happy to witness that promise. How would that happen? It can have many different forms. You're my attendant, so you could just do it sometime when you come to get my incense.

[89:32]

I can give you some incense to carry and you can give me a promise to be a bodhisattva who promises to see everything as a gift when you're ready. You're welcome. You're welcome. Okay, so, the new? New? Okay. The horsefly had bitten my neighbor really bad and that's why I chased her out.

[90:45]

But that brings me back to a story that you told me that was very important to me when I was visiting you in Green Gulch. Can you hear what I'm saying? No. The horsefly had bitten my neighbor really bad with the blood and everything and was probably very painful. That's why I chased it out. That brings to mind a story you told me at Green Gulch Farm. If you can't hear him, raise your hand and I'll signal him to speak louder. Okay? Do you want me to take it again? The horsefly brought back a story that I was going to ask you to tell, but I thought it didn't want to bother, but that story was very important to me. You told about the kids that should go close to the cliff, and the parents saying, don't go close. That was exactly the same movement I was doing. I was protecting the people in this room from the horsefly. And once, when I was visiting you and Rita at the farm, you told the story about kids going over the cliff and not stopping them.

[91:52]

And that's very similar to what happened today. I was chasing out the horse light to protect other people from being bitten here. But I remember very strongly that story. Do you remember which story I'm talking about? Actually, That must have been the year 2000, 2001, I think. I can tell it as well as I remember it. Yeah, go ahead. Just tell the story. Okay. It was a very similar talk, like the one we had today, about families. and how you look out for your family but lose yourself within it. And then what was maybe not mentioned in your talk today was the hostage situation, that often you do things for your family because you're afraid they will get hurt or they will go over the cliff, as was the story that you told. And you were actually as dramatic or as sober as to say that maybe you can't stop your kids from going over the cliff.

[93:00]

Maybe you can't. Maybe you have to let them... Do you remember now? No, but I'm enjoying this. Okay. So as I remember the story, that was quite a shock to me to hear that you have to... Not let them make mistakes, but probably rather serious mistakes for themselves. And that's a way of loving and caring for somebody, to let somebody do their mistakes. Are you with me? Yes, I am. Okay. I'm not a very good storyteller, but that had a very strong impact on me and I think helped my kids a lot and helped my family situation a lot. But it was very dramatic to hear that you have to let that happen. And as a parent, that was very hard to concede. But sitting with that was very helpful for me. And that was very close to what happened today, too. Thank you.

[94:02]

And I apologize for being late. I don't know if you could follow what he brought up, but it's basically the idea, this amazing idea that with regard to beings, bodhisattvas are gentle. That's kind of easy for people to accept, right? Is that okay? Patient. Not nasty. You know what nasty means? Not overbearing. You know what that means? Not dominating beings. Inwardly or outwardly. Like children. Not dominating, overbearing them even for their own good. Being deeply calm with them.

[95:09]

and letting go of all discrimination or judgment. Not that there isn't any, but you just relax with all the judgments. And take no action. That's the place where bodhisattvas act from. That's called the bodhisattva's place of action. They start with being with phenomena, with all beings, in this way. And that's where their action comes from. If someone is doing something dangerous, that's the way they practice with that person.

[96:21]

It doesn't mean that they... It doesn't tell you what action will arise from that place, but that's the place from which their action arises. It arises from a place of not taking action and letting go of discriminations, of dangerous and not dangerous. There is such a place that we can find. It's right here. It's right where you are, but being where you are in this way, deeply calm, not controlling, patient, gentle, flexible, and not taking action. And from there, you take care of children who are doing various things.

[97:24]

which might hurt them. And they might get hurt. It's possible that they will get hurt. It's also possible they won't. But the bodhisattva is with them in such a way as to awaken them to freedom from suffering by being that way with them. And from that place you can say, please don't do this. Please stop doing that. You can say that. But you're not saying it to control them. That's just who you are, what you give them. And if you don't say anything, if what you give them is silence, that's who you are. You give silence. But they understand that you're not trying to control them. They have a chance to understand that they have a chance to understand you're teaching them how they can be with themselves and others.

[98:33]

That's what I was talking about. And it's very difficult to be that way with someone who is heading towards hurting themselves. Very difficult. But that's the way bodhisattvas are with people who are either hurting themselves now or about to hurt themselves. That's the way they are. And from that way of being with them arises their action. Which could be, please stop that. Could be that. But it might not be that. It might be, Thank you for the gift of hurting yourself like that. I really thank you for that. It could be, would you show me how to do that?

[99:36]

I want to do that too. It could be, I have something more interesting to do than that. Want me to show you? But again, not to manipulate or distract them, but coming from this place of not manipulating, not stopping, giving them to themselves. And they feel that you are giving them to themselves. And you are showing them how to give themselves to themselves so that they can find their way. Otherwise, they may feel like you're distracting them from finding their path. Someone just told me yesterday, her daughter says, Mother, just stay near and don't do anything. They know you want to protect them. They know you want to stop them. They know you might be tempted to try to stop them from doing stupid things.

[100:42]

What they do is they want you to be there and they want you to be yourself and they want you to give them yourself and teach them to be themselves. They don't want you to teach them to be what you want them to be. You do want them to be something and you give them the person who wants them to be something but not to control them. This is not doing anything. and you give it to them in this patient, gentle, deeply calm way. And if your mind's discriminating danger, evil, you relax with that. You relax with that feeling of danger and evil. And they feel your relaxed body, because they can see the danger and evil too. They feel the relaxed body, and then they learn to relax with the danger and evil, and they find their way. It's very easy for me to say this, very difficult to practice, but I really believe in it.

[101:51]

And I didn't say this to you without the assistance of the Buddhas and ancestors. They taught me this. And when I read it, I was surprised. to hear that the bodhisattva's place of action is a place where they do not take action. That's the place, that's the realm they live in from which their action emerges. It's kind of surprising, isn't it? The bodhisattva's realm of action is that they don't take action about anything. And from that place comes their great beneficent actions. Their great gifts come from that place. That place is right here. Can you accept that place? That's your true place of action. That's what I was talking about. Exactly.

[102:54]

But it's very hard to grasp. It's very hard to grasp, yeah. So if you can't grasp it, and you start to slip into trying to control the children, then be gracious with yourself. Don't do anything about yourself. practice that way with yourself. I thought about another word, which is beautiful for what you're talking about. It comes from some part of the Zen tradition. You're talking about bodhisattva. If you see a bucket of water, the bodhisattva is like a bucket of water, completely still. There's nothing going on there, but as soon as there's a hole in it, it starts shooting out water. Yeah. But before that, it's just a readiness for it.

[103:56]

And maybe there's the possibility of water, the bucket of water turning into a fountain, too. Yeah. Yeah. This is kind of an indulgence of thinking, but if you have a bucket of water and you send song waves towards it from one direction, the water will start shaking. And if you send song waves towards it from another direction, the water will calm down. But from the opposite direction of similar force, the water will calm down. And if you send sound waves, or some kind of waves, let's say sound waves towards it from another, perpendicular, the water will start shaking again. And if you send the sound waves from the other direction, equal force, the water will calm down. So all this stuff is coming into the water, and it's calm.

[105:02]

Even though all this energy is going into it. And if you stick a pin into the water, it will shoot up into a fountain. There's tremendous energy there, but it's all accepted and it's balanced. When the energy is coming from one direction, the water accepts it and is shaken by the energy. But when it comes from the other direction, the energy is resolved and it calms. The bodhisattvas are receiving energy from all around, and so they're calm. They're not excluding energy's so you can't disturb them. But if you touch them, they burst forth into action in response to your touch. And what you get is a lot of energy because the bodhisattva is still. If the water was shaking and you stick a pin in it, it won't jump up.

[106:04]

But because it's still and accepting, there's tremendous energy there. And if you touch it, it's all for you. We need to be in that place. We need to be ourself. And when we're really ourself, we let all the energy come to us. If we really give ourselves to ourselves, we give all the other people who are disturbing us to themselves, and we let them contribute to us and make us into what we are. And then, from that place, we serve all beings. Does it make perfect sense? No? Do you have any feedback on that?

[107:08]

It sounds like metaphysics, I mean, these powers of nature, I mean... It is metaphysics. Thoughts are energy or actions are energy, I mean... Sorry, go on. Congratulations for your birthday the day after. Here. Arnold, you sit here. I thought that it's energy because the big thing, why I think I'm here, is to try to receive a simple message your teachers come with. It's like meditation. My own experience of what you are saying, that it's so absurd that everything is nothing. It's just like illusions.

[108:19]

very difficult thought. It's an energy, it's a more comprehensible thought. No, it's made sense, the bucket or something, I mean, all this, it's just energy. I can get a picture of the people. What? It's easier for me to... Oh, with the pictures? See the package right there. Ah. Nothingness. Okay. Thank you. How is it now? It's okay, it's not so scary to stick here like that. It's not so difficult to be here as I thought. It's my first Zen retreat that I don't know the practice.

[109:27]

What I know intellectually is that the big thing is meeting the teacher. The message perhaps, the saying in Theravada or in Tibetan Buddhism, that the big thing is meeting the teacher. In Zen? Yes, that is my idea of Zen. It is, right. That's correct. And it's also, I think, if you look at the story of the Buddha, Shakyamuni Buddha, the thing was meeting him. It was about meeting him. That's the way I see it. They came and met him. That is the magic for me. That's the magic? It's difficult to put words on. What is going on there? Jana was telling something, it's the old body receipts there, whatever there is of words or thoughts. So I should sign up for those meetings in order to be a prophet and a student or teacher meeting.

[110:52]

Interviews. Interviews. Meetings is good. Interviews is good. Meetings is good. Now in English, in America now, we have this new term, play date. How the children make play dates with each other. But now in America that's a new kind of term. I have a play date with someone. Nick's play date. And you must come and play. You said earlier in this talk that the thing happening when the teacher and their and the pupil, the student, are playing, and there is a meeting happening, and that is the leading dhamma.

[111:56]

That's the fullness of it. But again, the teacher sometimes can tell that the student is not yet able to give herself to herself. So the teacher says, go sit and give yourself to yourself. And then after you give yourself to yourself, come back to see me. So you have students that come year after year and you tell them they're not ready yet, sir? I could say not ready. Or you could say that sometimes people come to meet the teacher but they're not able to sit on their seat. They sit in the seat, but they don't know how to sit there. So it's hard for them to meet the teacher. I don't understand what you mean, they don't know how to sit. Well, like they're sitting there, but they're afraid, and they can't stand to feel their fear. So maybe they talk, and they don't say, I'm afraid.

[113:03]

If they come and sit down and say, I'm afraid, they're pretty well settled. They say, my heart is beating. They're in their body. So then they can probably meet the teacher. But sometimes they come in and they can't admit even to themselves what they're feeling. So the teacher says, go back and sit some more. And then they sit some more and they learn to be able to experience what it's like to be at their place. Then they come to the teacher. And again, maybe they can't stand to be who they are. So the teacher says, go sit somewhere. That's a common thing. Go sit until you can stay in your body when you come to meet me. I want you, when you come to meet me, I want you to be here. Go away and learn to be where you are and come back when you can be where you are. It's a very difficult thought. It's a difficult problem.

[114:05]

Yeah, because my idea of who I am, it's probably different from yours. Well, it may be different from yours. It is different, that's true. But you have a measurement to see I'm not, I mean, present, you know. I can tell when a person's, you know, not feeling present. I can kind of tell that. And I sometimes ask the person, do you feel present? And they often say, no. And then I say... do you feel present now? And they say, no. And I ask again. And they say, yeah, I do. And it looks like they do. They look more like they're less dreaming of some other place. So then we can meet. What about these emotions that are out of nowhere, like tears or something? Yeah. And some people... when the emotions come. Usually when the emotions come out of nowhere and the person's feeling me, usually I feel like the present.

[115:13]

Like now, I feel like you're present. This isn't dreaming someplace else. Do you see? So this is what it is, like this. You just are not coming. Huh? Are you shaking your head? What does that mean? It's not comfortable. It's not comfortable. It's not comfortable. But you're here. And I'm with you. I'm not trying to get you to go away or be different. How about you? It's okay. It's okay? Are you going to give yourself to yourself right now? I'll do my best. Yeah, so this is a good little training. We just did it. See, this is what it's like. Me help you be who you are, even when who you are is an uncomfortable person.

[116:24]

And when I help you be who you are, you help me be who I am. You're showing me how good it is to be me. What does this mean? Mirror. Mirror? Mirror. Mirror. Yes. Can I have this paper? Paper? Napkin somewhere. Paper, napkin, I do. Please forgive me for not giving it to you sooner. May I say something while you're here? My teacher said the main job of a Zen priest is to help people sit.

[117:30]

And another way to say it is the main job of a Zen priest is to help people be themselves, to be who they are in the moment. I'm trying to welcome a heartbeat. You're welcoming your heartbeat? I'm trying to welcome a heartbeat. I would like to... Can you hear him? Would you speak up, please?

[118:33]

Yeah, I'll try to speak up a little bit more. He's trying to welcome his heartbeat. Ah, okay. Yeah. No, what I would like to say is that what I feel a little bit hard on this retreat, except of course of a lot of other things, is that when you're sitting or when you're out and you maybe see someone, is very sorry or crying or something. And I know all these intellectual thoughts about you shouldn't disturb because you're disturbing the person in his or hers crying. Or it's more in yourself that you want to go there and just say a word that I see, or just put your hand on your shoulder. But maybe you have already answered it in one way. What was my answer? I think your answer was that, I mean, like we were speaking about a few minutes ago, that if you can leave your children just to be, I mean, they have to do their own experience, then you rather help them more than... Because like you... Yes, that's right.

[119:46]

There's one point I'd like to stress, and that is when you see the crying children, okay, First, give yourself to yourself. Just leaving them alone without coming here is not so helpful. But when you come here and see how you feel when you see them crying, you feel maybe uncomfortable when you see them crying, especially your own children. If you come and be this person who feels uncomfortable seeing these crying children, that helps them. They feel them. You're showing them what they need to do. They need to give themselves to themselves.

[120:46]

They need to learn that. That's what helps them. The bodhisattva, when he sees a suffering person, he is himself feeling how he feels when he sees them, and then he shows them what they need to do, and if they will do that, they will become free. So it's not just leave them alone, it's you be you, and then give that to them. I think you misunderstood me. I really agree with what you're saying. I am happy to misunderstand you. But what I mean is that for me it's very hard here to see a person... So what's what I'm saying? You see a person who's crying. And you're wondering, should you do something? I would like to do something. I know. And what I'm saying, bodhisattva doesn't do anything. No. And when you don't do something, that's hard for you.

[121:48]

Yeah, that's what I said to you. Exactly. And so what I'm saying to you is that what will help them is that you do what's hard. If you be the person who's having a hard time not doing something, that will help them. That was what I said. It's like, yeah, because you were asking the first... If you said that, then we agree. Yeah, we do. And this was not a question. It was more like, yeah, to hear you speak about it. Because like you said, if anyone doesn't want me to touch her spine... Maybe they do want you to. No, but that was what I want to say. Because I have no clue about the person. I don't know if I'd put a hand on he or her shoulder. So that's why I don't do it. But I mean, for me, it feels very strange in a way of... Being as a person, just, yeah, of course. I mean myself, but that's more me.

[122:49]

I need to show someone that I care and just put a hand or give a word that I see you. It is strange. This is a whole new way of being. This is a new way of living where you feel what it's like to help someone else who's suffering by you suffering. That's a new way. And I think... And that's what this is teaching you. So you already know the way where you reach out and touch them. You know that way. Now you're learning a new way where you help them by first helping yourself. And helping yourself means helping yourself who's feeling uncomfortable because he doesn't know how to do this very well. He's not so skillful at this way of leaving them alone and giving them the gift of you having the difficulty of this new way of being.

[123:54]

So it's this stranger. And this is also strange for me. Sitting here, it feels a little bit like the sermon you talked about. And now someone has to help me up. Thank you. May I help you? No, thank you. Thank you. Again, this is a new way. When you see a suffering being, be close and do nothing. And if you are close to someone who's suffering and don't do anything, you'll feel maybe some new things that you wouldn't feel if you go over and try to fix it.

[125:00]

Those would be more familiar, perhaps. But people don't really want you to do that. They do want you to be close, but they don't want you to do anything. They want you to teach them how to be close to themselves and not do anything. Because being close and not doing anything is the place where the bodhisattva actually comes. But this is very strange, I know. But that's very much what I'm suggesting. And I welcome your feedback. But it's lunchtime, so let's go have lunch.

[126:02]

Good Christmas. Good Christmas. Good Christmas.

[126:36]

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