Someone asked me what I meant the other day when I was quoting something Suzuki Roshi said about sitting. And I said something about something that was terrible or horrible. So what I meant was that I had this sense of him, when I said I had this sense of him sitting on this seat, sometimes when I think of him sitting Zazen, I think of him sitting Zazen on the same seat I'm sitting on. And what was terrible about that is that there's some kind of like identification between me and him. That's what I meant by what was terrible or horrible. So feeling close to one's teacher, that's normal and healthy and wonderful.

[01:10]

But identifying with your teacher, that's terrible. So identifying or separating are both terrible. But I didn't have such a problem separating. So I'm just saying that that sense of identity is terrible. Like we say, turning away and touching are both terrible, for it's like a mass of fire. The Buddha is like a mass of fire. The Dharma is like a mass of fire. And if you touch it, you'll burn, which is terrible. And if you turn away, you'll freeze, which is terrible. So that's what I meant. So somehow I have to think of the teacher and be close to the teacher and pay homage to the teacher and praise the teacher and make offerings to the teacher and want to practice like the teacher and do all the practices the teacher practiced.

[02:32]

And ask the teacher to stay in the world and teach and ask the teacher to teach and all that stuff without identifying or separating. Stay close. Stay close without grasping. but it's hard, it's easy to not grasp it if you're really far away. But that's no good. But when you get close there's a tendency to like tighten up around what you're putting so much generosity towards, so much devotion towards. Right? Does that make sense? So that's what I meant. And of course that applies to what's going on here during this session, that each of us is trying to find a balanced relationship with this great fire of the bodhisattva vow.

[03:34]

Like, how are you going to relate to this, to the great vows and conduct of the bodhisattvas? how to be balanced and gentle and honest about the situation or with the situation. And I just wanted to let you know beforehand that I feel that somehow, I feel a desire and necessity to deal with the issue of resistance in relationship to these great vows of the bodhisattvas. And I feel that at the same time I know it's, again, it's a dangerous situation. I don't want to rile people up even more than they are about this.

[04:40]

I don't want to give the feeling that I'm pushing you into the domain of great bodhisattva vows or talking you into it. But in a way I do want to push you into it and talk you into it, but I want you to not run away from it just because of what I'm saying. But if I don't say anything, you may run away from it anyway. Or you may also maybe... There's two forms of resistance. One is to run away, the other is to grab it. Attaching to the bodhisattva vow is also a resistance to it. So I welcome you to express your resistance and you have been doing so. Thank you. And... resistance to bodhisattva vow and I propose to you that resistance to bodhisattva vow is the same as resistance to Buddha's zazen.

[05:47]

That in Buddha's zazen the bodhisattva vow is fully alive. that the Buddha's Zazen expresses the Buddha's vow. The Buddha's vow, of course, is to practice. So the Buddha's practice is carried out by the vow and expresses and realizes the vow. That's what I'm saying. And so, I said it again. And this way of speaking of Zen meditation Zen meditation dash Buddha's meditation. And also this way, in some sense of speaking of bodhisattva vow, may be somewhat new to you. Like some people are telling me it's like a foreign language or a new language. Yeah. It's like a new language. And part of the bodhisattva vow is I vow, what is it?

[06:55]

Dharma languages are inexhaustible. I vow to master them all. That's the fourth, the third vow. Dharma languages, Dharma doors are inexhaustible. I vow to enter them all. Not maybe today, but whenever is appropriate. If I have to learn Spanish, I will. If I have to learn Chinese, Korean, Sanskrit, whatever. This is, I wish to do that if it would be helpful. So now we have English, but it's a somewhat strange formation, English formations, which are new and, yeah, so there's a resistance to the new. And there's an attachment to the old. This is normal. So people are confessing a resistance to the new and or an attachment to the old.

[07:59]

Couldn't we go back to the old Zazen we used to have or that I used to have? Whatever it was. And I feel this is another way to say it's a resistance to the free-flowing Dharma path and attachment to the ingrained Dharma path. So each of you has kind of at least some a little bit of a foothold or some quite strong foothold on Dharma practice when you came to the retreat. And so there's some tendency to want to hold on to that. Because, you know, it kind of worked, didn't it? Got you here. And now you're being offered a more or less totally new life. As the Guru also said, and now I'm saying it, but I'm not identifying with him, I'm just close to him, he said, Zen priest's job is to encourage zazen.

[09:02]

But it's not to encourage people's idea of zazen. It's not to encourage people to continue in the zazen they've been doing for the last two minutes. It's to encourage a new zazen. Always a new zazen. Not the one you had before. This one. Encourage a new zazen which is which the old zazen the new zazen is where the old zazen is dropping away. It's to encourage a wholehearted right now a wholehearted sitting where body and mind drop away And again. And then doksang, either private doksang, which is literally what it means, or even in public, there's the practice of confessing, I don't want to, I want to hold on to my practice.

[10:15]

I don't want it to drop away. I want to hold on to my body. I'm resisting a new body and mind, a new practice. I confess it. and or I also feel sorrow about holding on to my old practice. But, you know, it's completely understandable to me. I have lots of experience like, you know, it's like if you imagine like doing a yoga posture, you know, and you just kind of like get it. And then the teacher says, okay, now Okay, now that you got it, now turn your pelvis slightly backwards and press down with the outside of your foot. And then you lose the whole thing. Leave me alone. I don't want any more information. Some teachers will let it go for a while. Some will just keep bearing down, offering you more and more gifts, which throw you off from the place you were holding on to.

[11:21]

So this is the case of many things, you know. But sometimes you let go and leap into the full life of the posture. Like I've used an example many times of the... I saw a movie of Isaac Stern, the violinist, teaching a young Chinese violinist in China. And this young man was good enough and skillful enough at his practice so that Isaac Stern could talk to him while he was playing the piece with 3,000 people watching. Somehow he could play the piece and then... As you know, some people can play a piece and you put 3,000 people around them and they have trouble. This guy could play with 3,000 people. He was really good, really skillful. He had learned a way.

[12:25]

He had a body and mind. He was pretty wholehearted. And then Isaac Stern started talking to him while he was playing. And talking kind of loud because the guy was making some sounds and there was a symphony going too. And Isaac Stern started yelling at him in front of all these people. And then Isaac Stern says, now start singing. Make it sing. And Isaac Stern starts singing. And the boy's body and mind dropped away. And the violin started to sing. You could hear it go from the old violin to the new violin. But sometimes people just can't stand the little push. Okay, now leap. So I didn't mean to push you from your old way into a new way.

[13:27]

I didn't really mean to, but it seems to be going on. Once again, may I say again that the Zen priest wishes to encourage a Zazen which is the universal and wholehearted practice of the Bodhisattva vow. A Zazen which isn't just, okay, I'm sitting here And that's it. But I'm sitting here, and this sitting, just by the way, is also, whether I say so or not, anyway, this sitting is paying homage to all Buddhas. This sitting is praising all Buddhas. This sitting is making offerings to all Buddhas. This sitting is serving all beings. This sitting is practicing all the practices.

[14:29]

or wishing to practice all the practices, and wishing to serve all beings, and wishing to make offerings, and wishing to pay homage, and wishing to dedicate the merit of all this. It's wanting to. This sitting includes all that. This sitting is very, very alive. It's leaping beyond any limit. this limit is leaping beyond any limit. Or at least the vow to fully exert this limit, this limited body, the vow is there and fully alive and ready to leap without pushing away what's going on now. The zazen in which the person named Suzuki Roshi wanted us to encourage is the Zazen which is equally the same practice and the same enlightenment of the person sitting and every being.

[15:51]

It's the zazen which is the same practice as the practice of every being and the same enlightenment as the enlightenment of every being. That's the practice which is being encouraged. So of course that includes opening to all the beings who have the same practice and the same enlightenment as the person sitting. That's a slightly different translation from the one you chant at noon service. Each moment of Zazen is equally wholeness of practice, equally wholeness of enlightenment. So the wholeness means equally the same practice as all beings. That's the wholeness of practice. Equally wholeness of enlightenment is the same enlightenment as all beings.

[16:58]

That's in each moment of satsang. Also I wanted to point out that which I didn't tell you before, is that at the beginning of introducing Samantabhadra, by the way, Samantabhadra, an easier way to say Samantabhadra's name is Fugen. Fugen means universal goodness. So Fugen or Samantabhadra in introducing these ten great, these ten kinds of great vows, he says that if by joint effort all Buddhas in the ten directions were to enumerate the merit of the Buddhas through infinite eons

[18:10]

equal to the number of atoms of inconceivable, incalculable Buddha domains, they would not be able to exhaustively describe these merits. This is the same thing that's said about one person's Zazen. if all the Buddhas in ten directions, as innumerable as the sands of the Ganges, with the strength of their Buddha wisdom, try to measure the merit of one person's zazen, they would not be able to fully comprehend it. They could try, but they would never reach the description of the merit of one person's zazen, because one person's zazen is the same practice as all beings and the same enlightenment as all beings. There's no end to the virtues of one person's practice like that.

[19:16]

These ten vows are the same as what we mean by sitting in the Mahayana. I know you knew that already. And I hope that what I'm saying now does not, well I put it positively, I hope you feel encouraged to express your resistance to the living Zazen, the new Zazen, the new Zazen. I hope you feel encouraged to say, you know, I've heard about this new Zazen, but I'd like to say I have my old Zazen, which I'd like to hold on to.

[20:25]

at least for a little while longer. I feel resistance to this new thing. I like my old practice. Or, yeah, and my old practice is actually not that old. I just found it earlier today. And I love it. And now you're... And so I'm resistant to this other, this new one. I hope you feel encouraged to say that because, again, that also is part of zazen. Zazen includes the confession of your resistance to zazen. Zazen includes revealing and disclosing your lack of faith in the zazen, which is the same practice as all beings. Zazen includes confession and repentance of your resistance to the zazen, which is the same enlightenment as all beings. It includes that.

[21:27]

So I hope you feel encouraged to keep voicing your resistance. I hope so. Because that will help you be fully, be wholehearted. So part of practice, part of wholeheartedness is to not have any resistance. But if you have resistance, wholeheartedness means that you confess the resistance. And if you confess the resistance, the resistance melts away and then you're wholehearted. So I feel that, you know, some people seem to be willing to come and show me their resistance, so I feel good about that. And I hope that me bringing this out in the open will encourage more people to express to me and to others their resistance to this new zazen, to samantabhadra zazen,

[22:30]

And one other point I wanted to make was a lot of, quite a few people have come to me and they've actually said the words, and in some cases they just act like it, they've said that they're trying to figure out what the practice is. And sometimes they say, I probably shouldn't be trying to figure it out. And then I say, right, don't try to figure out what the practice is. it's different to ask how to do the practice. That's not the same as trying to figure the practice out. So, this relates to the Genjo Koan, right? This relates to the realized universe. If a bird or a fish tries to reach the end of its element, tries to figure out its element, before moving in it,

[23:35]

the bird or the fish will not find its place or its way. And then the other way to put it is, if a bird or a fish attempts to move through its element only after realizing its limits, or only after comprehending it, the bird or the fish will not find its way or its place. part of the resistance to move into a new practice is expressed by trying to figure out what it is before you go into it. Figuring out how to go into it is different from figuring out what's the history of this new practice. Has it been approved by central headquarters?

[24:38]

Will it have good results? Is this going to turn into kind of a cult? Etc. Why do this practice? What is this practice anyway? So the famous example of the Buddha said, When people ask questions like this, they say, you're like a person who has arrows in him and the physician comes to pull them out and he asks the physician what technique he's going to use to remove the arrow, where he went to school, what he's going to do with it, is he going to recycle these arrows, what's, you know, and so on. If you... Really, do you want the arrows removed or not? Shall we start? So I'm not discouraging asking questions about the practice, but there's a subtle difference between asking questions about how and why, or how and how does it compare to other religions, and is it as good as the other ones, and so on.

[25:46]

That actually is postponing the moving. If you move through the water, you will comprehend it. It is comprehended by moving in it. If you fly in the sky, you will comprehend it. If you move through the practice, you will realize it immediately. I also wanted to say that for those of you who would like to hear about in detail the ten great vows and are somewhat concerned that we won't be able to hear in detail about them during this session, I just want to tell you that it looks like these ten great vows are taking over my life, so it will go on beyond this session.

[27:15]

So I'll probably be, sort of, have been taken over by them. So it won't be like at the end of Sashin. I'll become free of them and I won't be sharing my... What? Yeah, these ten bobs are not attached to me. They're just freely using me whenever they feel like it. and I'm just apparently available. But if they drop me and move on to somebody else and I forget about them, then that will be the end for me. But I just feel like it looks like it's all over for me. So those of you who are resisting them, who are planning to do the fall practice period, are going to have quite a time.

[28:17]

And then, so this Buddha, this Buddha called the Lotus Sutra is also looming up. The Lotus Sutra is coming to get you. So all these huge Buddha Sutras, or these Sutra Buddhas, are coming. I feel them coming. So, save your Lotus Sutras, the South will rise again. So the third vow is making great offerings to all Buddhas. That's the third vow. So noble-minded people, what is meant by making great offerings to all Buddhas? It means that in making them, in making the offerings, Have you noticed that we do that here? Before meals? And before services? And after services? Do you notice that we do that?

[29:22]

Everybody notice that? We make offerings. The dosha before service offers incense and offers the candle and the flower and the doans also offer all that stuff. And then we offer our, you know, our chanting. And then we offer the merit. of all that to them. We turn it over to them. And then they turn it over to everybody else. And then at meals we bring in a little lunch for them and a little breakfast for them. You notice that? That's for the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. We do that. We make offerings. And then while we make them, of course, we are thinking. Maybe not. But anyway... So, but Samantabhadra is saying, while you make these offerings to all Buddhas, which like they do at the Zen Center, or while somebody else is making the offerings on your behalf, you should think in the smallest atoms in all worlds, in the three times in ten directions, throughout the entire realm of Dharma and the realm of space,

[30:41]

there dwell Buddhas equal in number to the atoms found in all universes. Each and every Buddha is surrounded by an ocean-like assembly of bodhisattvas, circumambulating the Buddha, not touching the Buddha, not turning away from the Buddha. I added that? That's right. with the power of Samantabhadra's vows and practice, with the power of Samantabhadra's practice and vows, with deep faith and understanding, I see the Buddhas as though we were face to face. To all of these Buddhas I offer superb, wondrous oblations such as clouds of flowers, and heavenly music, celestial tapestries. So back in India, when this sutra appeared, these poor Indian people, you know, or rich Indian people, did they have clouds of flowers available to offer to the Buddhas?

[31:56]

And do we have clouds of flowers to offer to Buddhas? Do they have heavenly music? Do we have heavenly music? Do they have celestial tapestries? Do they have angelic garments? Do we have angelic garments? And do they have many varieties of French perfumes? Scented with balms, fragrant incense, powders, that the gifts together rise high as Mount Sumeru or Mount Everest. We know they had Mount Everest back then, right? I don't know if it was taller than it is now, but anyway. Do we have Mount Everest? Yeah. We've got a bigger Mount Everest, so we make a bigger pile.

[32:58]

And then all these I present with lighted lamps of various kinds, such as butter lamps, oil lamps, sweetly perfumed lamps, halogen lamps, virgin olive oil lamps, counterfeit virgin olive oil lamps. The wick of each lamp shall be as huge as Mount Sumeru, and the oil as vast as the expanse of the great oceans. to all Buddhas I humbly offer these ablations. This is what Samantabhadra suggests that this little guy think of when making offerings to all these Buddhas. This is like, probably to him, it was like a new practice for him. Kind of like, but he was a young guy, he's kind of like, okay, what's next? Okay, next is noble young person

[34:02]

the crown, the supreme of all offerings is the offering of Dharma. These other ones are pretty good. These other ones are wonderful. Anyway, but the supreme is the offering of Dharma. What does this include, the offering of Dharma? It includes offering practice which follows all the Buddha's instructions. It includes offering benefiting all living beings. It includes offerings of embracing and sustaining all living beings. It includes offerings of taking upon oneself the suffering of all other living beings and yourself. It includes offering of fostering of roots of merit vigorously and offering of not swerving from the bodhisattva's duty and offering of never departing from the thought of enlightenment.

[35:10]

These are the offerings of dharma. Of course, these are the supreme offerings which are offered to all Buddhas. And then there is the point that the merit of these material offerings, you know, it's totally infinite. And then the merit of the Dharma offering is incomparably greater, infinitely greater than the infinitely good of these material offerings which are offered in the spirit. Because the Buddha's, for the Buddha's dharma is most dear to them and it is practice in accord with Dharma that gives birth to the Buddhas.

[36:22]

I've often mentioned that when I was ordained as a priest 37 years ago on August 9th with Paul Disko in San Francisco when I was ordained with him. I asked Suzuki Roshi what gift I could give in expressing my appreciation for him ordaining me and training me as a priest. And he said, your practice. And I asked his wife what I could give him, and she said, practice your practice. I'm not saying every moment since that time I've been continuously offering my practice to him, but I'd like to always be offering my practice to this person who was so kind to me.

[37:36]

and so kind to all of you. And I would also like to offer my practice to his ancestors and all the Buddhas. I think that's what they want from me. I think that's what they want from you, is your offering of serving all beings, and so on. one could go on indefinitely discussing the practice of making offerings to all Buddhas, of making your practice always, each moment, of making your practice each moment, of making your practice each moment. This moment, here's the practice. And I offer this practice to all Buddhas. And I give this practice to all Buddhas and I pay homage to all Buddhas through this practice.

[38:49]

This practice is my homage paying to all Buddhas. This practice is my praise of all Buddhas. And then the next one, which is... It's so wonderful and so... Yeah. That I think it... I hate to just start it now. I think it deserves its own day tomorrow, maybe. the practice of revealing and disclosing our resistance to these bodhisattva vows. Revealing and disclosing and repenting and expressing and feeling our sorrow that we sometimes don't give ourselves completely to these practices already mentioned and the ones coming up.

[40:01]

But I would just say for now before I stop and that is that back in the ancient times they had the practice of confessing resistance to the bodhisattva vows. So even back then in the great era, the amazing time of the birth and the vitality of the Mahayana, they had this practice of confessing and repenting resistance to the Mahayana while it was you know, really cooking and transforming the planet. So we still have that resistance, or we still have resistance. Maybe we have more than they used to have, I don't know. But actually, if we have more, no problem, because there's more chance to do the practice. So maybe now we can outdo them in the practice of confession and repentance because we have more resistance.

[41:09]

Maybe, can we borrow that Zafu from you? That one there? I want to make this seat as comfortable as possible for you. This is very hard. It's very hard? If you want to make this seat comfortable for you, you can also bring your Zen stool if you want to. Yes. I would like to confess my resistance to being upright in the face of my own suffering. I was going to do this yesterday, and I thought, you know, maybe I'll do it in private, which seems to be part of the issue, is the fear of disclosing myself

[43:03]

particularly with all these eyes. And it stems from a lifetime of being stoic and quiet and trying to appear strong instead of being honest about my fears when I'm hurt, and when I'm stressed. Instead of being honest about your... My fears, and my hurt, and when I'm stressed. And when I'm not honest like that, and I'm so good at it I even deceive myself a lot of the time, and it comes out screwed up. It comes out as anger. It comes out as blame. It comes out as judgment. And the people most likely to be affected by it are the people I love the most, the people who are closest to me.

[44:14]

And so instead of being open, I'm closed. Instead of being soft, I'm hard. I need help. We all do. We all need help. And I praise you for your confession. And you didn't say... Yeah, you did. You sort of said that you feel some sorrow about this. Even though you didn't say it literally. Okay. Particularly when it comes out screwed up. Yeah, it hurts people. Other people, and then I feel bad about that, and then I can't express that, so it turns on. Yeah. So now this practice you're just doing now, then that question arises, do you feel a... a desire to continue this practice which you have just done.

[45:21]

Yes. So that would mean that you would want to Also, in that practice of confessing that you're not disclosing your feelings of stress and fear, that practice would help you do another practice, which would be to say that you feel stress and fear, which would help these people. And those could be gifts that you give them to let them know where you're at. Because if you don't tell in those things, then as you say, those things come out in a diverted, derivative way which is hurtful. They sneak around the edge rather than coming out. So all the things you mentioned, most of your friends could hear and deal with quite nicely. But the diverted form is hard for them to deal with. They don't even necessarily know what it's about. So this is the honesty part.

[46:24]

And then also when you confess and also when you report your condition, then you want to be upright as you do that. So when you tell someone that you're feeling stressed or afraid, try to be upright, not leaning away from that revelation and not sort of leaning into that revelation. Try to be upright as you say it, present, and then try to say it gently, because this is intense information. But if delivered uprightly and gently and honestly, they'll probably do quite well with it, which is what I feel you want. And then there's the wish to practice this way. And then if you don't practice this way, the wish to reveal that you didn't and reveal your sorrow that you didn't, which if you do that properly, also uprightly and gently, when you confess, also be gentle.

[47:39]

When you confess your own shortcomings, be gentle. And of course, be honest, but be upright too. Don't try to get the confession over too soon. Don't try to make it go on too long. Just get it out just right, just enough, and gently. And then feel the sorrow the same way. Gently feel the sorrow, honestly feel the sorrow, uprightly feel the sorrow, and that will reform you. So does that give you some idea of how to proceed with this? Maybe this would be a good time to end this confession. As you may have heard, the first Buddhist ceremony, Buddha was not that much into ceremonies.

[48:44]

He lived in a culture that had lots of ceremonies, but he was not into ceremonies much. The first ceremony of the community was actually, the first ceremony was ordination ceremony, which was very simple. He just said, when people asked to be ordained, he would just say, come. Because they were asking, may I go for refuge in the Buddha? And he would say, come. I want to go for refuge in the Dharma," he would say, come. So the ordination in a way was the first ceremony. And then the second ceremony or perhaps one of the earliest ceremonies was a ceremony of confessing in the group. But again, sometimes maybe people couldn't communicate that in the group, so they would do it privately. So, Roger has just enacted an ancient ceremony of... Ralph has just... It's Ralph Rogers, right? I always call him Roger. Roger Ralph.

[49:47]

Anyway, that's the ancient ceremony of confessing in the community. Oh. When I was a young boy, I think about seven or so, I had a dream, a nightmare. And I guess I was in a train wreck. Anyway, I was running from a train wreck. But the train had caught on fire, and people were screaming and dying in the flames.

[50:51]

And I had this impulse or thought that I should return and help them. But I didn't know what I could do. So so I, in horror and in terror, I ran. I just kept running. And I feel as if I should, I would like to confess that I'm still running. You're still running? Yes. And I've heard you say, I think I heard you say, that bodhisattvas progress through vows, through great vows. Right, I did say that.

[51:56]

And like a vow to be open to all beings. And I'm open to, and I think I heard you say that I should consider going back to that framework. Well, if you wish to practice the bodhisattva vows, if you wish to, Samantabhadra says, if you wish to accomplish the vows of the Buddhas, if you wish to accomplish Buddha's Zazen, which is incalculable, of incalculable merit, then there are these vows and practices of opening to all beings. So if you wish to realize the Buddha way, there are these practices.

[53:03]

And you have just done one of the practices. That is, you've done one of the bodhisattva vows. One of the bodhisattva vows is to vow to do the practice of confession. And you just kind of literally confessed that you turned away from the fire. By confessing that you're turning away from the fire, and feeling the sorrow of turning away from the fire, that confession and repentance will melt away the root of running away from the fire. You will learn to not run away from the fire by the practice, by the vow and the practice of confession and repentance. Now, if in the story you'd gone to the fire and jumped in the fire, that might not have been helpful. So also touching the fire or identifying with it isn't necessarily, isn't right either.

[54:08]

But to go back and be with the fire, to be close to it and see if there's some way you can help. To go back in order to help and see if there is a way. And to circumambulate these suffering beings and open to them in any way you can. That's what you want to find. But some people actually have a tendency to touch too much, to identify. So that leads to burning up or inflation. The other way is to separate yourself. So you run away by confessing this every time it happens. And repenting, you will find your way to be intimate with the fire of all being suffering. That's my understanding of the practice. That's one of the vows.

[55:10]

Also, if you do the other vows, that will also help you learn your intimate and balanced relationship with all beings. With the Buddhas who are fire, and with all beings who are fire. Everyone's actually burning up all the time. Together. I don't know if I'm confessing ignorance or resistance, but I do have feelings of impatience and frustration that arise.

[56:25]

You're confessing feelings of impatience? And frustration. And frustration. And maybe it's only due to my ignorance. I don't know. Okay. Can you hear her okay? So raise your hands if you can't hear the person. Could you speak up, please? I'm not sure if I'm confessing ignorance or resistance, but I do have feelings that arise of impatience and frustration, and I would like help in understanding what am I to understand by all the Buddhas. to whom we offer homage and praise. I don't know how to think about that. Yeah. What you're saying is kind of an example of trying to figure out things before you start doing them. So, the Buddhas and their merits, you know, all the Buddhas tried to understand what these Buddhas are.

[57:31]

They would not be able to. Buddhas are, of course, inconceivable. So what's being proposed here is that you think of making offerings, for example, or paying homage to virtues which you have not yet been able to comprehend. But there's a practice here called paying homage to virtuous beings which you do not understand. that you practice making offerings to virtuous beings which you do not understand. You do not understand Buddha yet. I do not understand Buddha yet. But I can make offerings to Buddhas who I do not understand what they are. I can open to Buddhas who I do not yet know what they are. So that's a practice. And one can resist that practice But figuring out probably is just, again, postponing starting the practice of just saying, okay.

[58:39]

Like someone told me, you know, they were feeling uncomfortable, impatient, frustrated, in pain and so on. And they started wishing to pay homage to all Buddhas and the pain didn't go away but they started to feel pretty good. That they weren't trying to figure out how to get away from the pain or whatever, they just started practicing homage to the Buddhas. And then you somehow have a totally new relationship with the frustration and pain. Or even if you don't want to do that, because you can do these practices all together or one by one, you can practice the bodhisattva practice of confessing that you feel resistance, but feel like, well, I don't know what the practice of confession is, but I'm going to go ahead and do it.

[59:46]

I'm going to move in the water of confession before I understand it. people who wait to understand confession, who wait to start confession until they understand it, may not start confession. People who practice confession are the ones who understand it. So you have just confessed a resistance, an impatience with whatever. This is a bodhisattva practice. By moving through the waters of confession, you will comprehend confession. By moving through the waters of praising Buddhas who you do not understand, nobody understands them completely. They're too big. There's no end to them. But we still offer, just because they're big and wonderful, we can still offer to something very big.

[60:48]

And you suggested one might think of them as wonderful virtues? Well, you're making offerings to the most virtuous thing there is, whatever it is. You don't know what the virtues are, but you're making offerings to goodness. You're all making offerings to the greatest goodness in the world. That's what you're doing. And by making offerings to the greatest goodness, the proposal is you will realize the greatest goodness by making offerings to the greatest goodness. By praising the greatest goodness, you will realize the greatest goodness. By paying homage to the greatest goodness, you will realize the greatest goodness. By confessing that you don't want to have anything to do with the greatest goodness and repenting it, because we do not feel actually, we feel sorrow probably. at wanting to be away from or own the greatest goodness. By that practice, you will realize the greatest goodness. By serving all beings, you will realize the greatest goodness.

[61:55]

Among the vows, that's the easiest one for people. I mean, the easiest one to understand, that serving beings probably... I can see how that would realize great goodness. and doing all Buddha's practices, do all the practices that you ever find about Buddha doing, do those practices that will realize the Buddha's virtues. And again, making offerings, the greatest offering to the Buddha is doing practice, serving beings, opening to the suffering of others. These are the greatest offerings. Make these offerings and you will realize the Buddha way. That's the proposal. And if you have resistance to any of this, If you confess it, you're doing the practice. And after you confess, oftentimes, you feel, oh, now that I know I can confess, I actually feel like I'm up for it. So that may be your case now, now that you've confessed.

[62:58]

Maybe you're not impatient anymore. I don't know. I don't know if it was a confession, but what you said feels very helpful to me. Good. Thank you for whatever it was. Avalokiteshvara sometimes sits like I'm sitting now. It feels very scary to do in public.

[64:53]

What I still feel is a matter of private conversation. That means people didn't hear it. I said it feels very scary to do in public what I felt feel is a matter of private conversation, but it also feels very alive. Louder? Do you want louder than that? Huh? A little bit louder. Isn't that interesting? I feel I'm screaming. Yeah. Apparently they want you to scream. I think that would be a good idea to really say this loudly, this private thing. That's not a private thing.

[65:58]

Thank you very much for your encouragement. I don't know what I'm going to say, but let's find out. I think the confession part is about still not really willing to be completely myself. Not fully being willing to express myself completely and to do that hopefully for the benefit of all of us. I also want to say I've been I think coming to Green Dosh for the first time 14 years ago.

[67:03]

And I cannot express my thankfulness to you for your help and support in my life. The way I often experienced it was like being pushed But I think when I stayed upright with this sometimes terrible experience, I could see it was your encouragement to me to be who I am. So to make it perhaps brief, but hopefully clear, In practicing this way and trying to be completely who I am and to express myself fully, a big, clear and joyful no to priest ordination came to me yesterday and I'm happy to express it.

[68:19]

Thank you for expressing yourself fully. Or as fully as you can now. You have my complete support. I would like to say it did not come forth by me trying to figure it out. It was pretty clear I could not figure this out anymore. but it came forth as simply surrendering and opening up to all the voices, everybody, especially your support, manifesting in me as this, I want to repeat it, like a clear and joyful and know that has nothing rejecting

[69:28]

That's how I experienced that. I'd like to say something to Carolyn. Yeah. Where is she? Of course, I simply wish you well. I really felt your support in recent weeks, your wonderful openness. And I still feel that you and I, with everybody else, are in the same boat. And I'm very happy to continue looking at the boat and studying this boat with you.

[70:33]

I love you, too. Thank you. We still have two days left. Yes, Jackie? Things always change, yes. And I'm looking forward to sitting upright and enjoying the snow for two days with you. Because it's not directly against you. Thank you. You're welcome. I confess to having resistance to practice the great vow.

[73:11]

So Samantabhadra. Is that loud enough? I felt like I couldn't pick it up and couldn't put it down. Painful. I still feel that way, but I see possibilities. It seems very busy, like it's a very busy project to be doing during Zazen. What happened to non-thinking? This is non-thinking. Seems dizzy.

[74:12]

That's thinking. Understandable, but that's thinking. I guess I'm just a very organized kind of person, and I have to start somewhere, and I do these guys, and then I do you guys. You know, I'm just like, if I'm going to get this done, you know. But where do you start? Where would you like to start? I'd like to start here. And how would you like to start there? By understanding why I resist it.

[75:15]

No. That's a step backwards. Step back? That's a step backwards to try to understand why you resist. So to try to figure out why you're resisting is like the bird or the fish that wants to only move in the water after it comprehends the water. So rather than figure out why you're resisting, what you just did was fine. Confess that you're resisting and you're immediately practicing Samantabhadra's vows. As I said earlier, in ancient times they had bodhisattva aspirants who were resistant to the practices of bodhisattvas.

[76:17]

That's why they have a practice of confessing resistance to the practice, because they were resisting back then. Now we have bodhisattvas also who are resisting the practice of bodhisattvas. So we have a practice of confessing that we're resisting. So you just confessed it. That's the practice. Not figuring it out. That's moving in the water. And if you move in the water, you'll find your place. But what is moving in the water? Well, in this case, it's confessing that you're resisting. That seems to be where you're at. is confessing that you're thinking that these practices are busy, that you're thinking that, and that you're resisting that thought that they're busy. That thought that they're busy is a manifestation of resistance. That's what I heard you doing, is disclosing your resistance to this new way of living. But disclosing the resistance to a new way of living is also a new way of living.

[77:22]

So you actually, when you can't get into the practice, then you have a practice called, I can't get into the practice. But to try to figure out why you can't get into the practice is postponing getting into the practice. Rather just confess, I'm resisting, that's enough. You will eventually understand why you and other people have problems with the practice. But you do it by confessing your problems, not by trying to figure them out. It seems like trying to imagine something, using imagination. Yeah, it is using imagination, right. It's using imagination in a new way. It's imagining that what you're doing right now is paying homage to all Buddhas.

[78:26]

It's imagining that. It's imagining that what you're doing right now is praising all Buddhas. It's imagining that what you're doing right now is making offerings to all Buddhas. It's imagining that what you're doing right now is confessing any resistance. It's imagining that what you're doing right now is praising the virtues of others. And it's wanting, also, to imagine this way. And it's wanting to be this way. Because you're donating your imagination to this form. And so on. It's imagining that you want to serve all beings. And then when you imagine serving all beings, you may notice that you imagine some resistance. So then you have some resistance to serving beings to confess. If you don't do this kind of imagination, you're going to imagine something else, which you could tell us about.

[79:34]

You could imagine your life as it is when you're imagining other ways, and you could tell us about it. And the way you will be imagining is the way you have been imagining. So you're going to keep imagining. This is like a way of imagining by which you will realize the Buddha way and realize the merits and virtues, the inconceivable virtues of the Buddhas. The ineffably ineffable virtues of the Buddhas will be realized by such a practice according to this teaching, which fully includes you right now? Being busy. Being busy, thinking you're busy, resisting busyness, whatever, fully includes you, but trying to figure things out will keep you exiled from the realization.

[80:51]

Not really, you're going to feel exiled. you're going to feel resistant, you're going to feel stuck in your old ways. But when you confess that you're feeling resistant, you're entering the way. So in our ordination ceremony, after renouncing our old way, we then confess that we have old ways and we now wish to confess that and then let them go and move into a new way called going for refuge in Buddha, which means paying homage to Buddha, praising Buddha, making offerings to Buddha, offering your life to Buddha, offering your life to Dharma, offering your life to Sangha. So that's our practice. And before we do that, we say, I've been resisting this for quite a while. And also in the ceremony we say, will you continue this practice of confession and repentance because you might continue to resist.

[82:03]

So in fact you did make that vow that you would continue the practice of confession and you're continuing it because there's new resistances that are coming. Apparently new resistance has come up. Moment by moment. So new opportunities for the bodhisattva practice of confessing resistance, of wanting to get back or stay back away from these new ways of living. Again, imagining that what's happening right now and what you want to be happening right now is that your life is an offering to all Buddhas.

[83:07]

That your life is offered in service of all beings right now. Imagining that. And seeing it's becoming true for you. It's not a matter of belief. It is a matter of belief, and it's a matter of understanding, or it's a matter of faith. It's the faith to try out the practice. For example, try out the practice of confession. Give it a try. It might be good. You think it might be good? Try it. I confess. It hurts.

[84:09]

So there is faith there that you think it's worthwhile to practice confession. And you think it's worthwhile, perhaps, to practice patience and generosity and so on. It's a matter of faith that you think these would be good practices. you trust that these might be good practices. You give them a try and see how they work. You move in the water. And if you don't, you say, you're honest, and you say, I'm not moving in the water. I want to make sure that this is good water before I move. Pass that. Too late. Love, love. I think this confession practice might be good.

[85:46]

And I'd like to confess and repent my resistance to the old Zaza with your encouragement. And with the encouragement of others, I've been making a vow at the beginning of each period of Zazen. I've been making a vow at the beginning of each period of Zazen here during this session to follow my breath and to try and be open to all beings. And I've experienced some of that, and I'm very happy for that. But I must confess that the majority of the time seems to be engaged in redundant, habitual thinking instead of following my breath and being open to all beings.

[87:04]

So I want to confess that. Good. And the wanting to confess it, which in this case also was simultaneous with... And you expressed the wanting after you confessed. You confessed and then you said you want to do that. So you expressed the desire, the vow, to practice confession and you confessed. So you practiced confession and you expressed the vow to practice confession. This is one of the vows of Samantabhadra. One of the bodhisattva vows was just realized now. And in the ancient times, bodhisattvas practiced this way. Now they practice this way, and in the future they will practice this way.

[88:10]

And it would be strange if you didn't have any shortcomings to do this practice with. But you don't have that problem now. That's true. Thank you for your encouragement. You're welcome. So let's go with one. I want to confess that for a long time now I have felt that you don't love me.

[89:41]

And my heart has been close to you. And I have felt he has good reason. I don't have courage. I am immature. In a way, or as a Zen student, maybe I'm hopeless. How could red love me? I'm putting you on a spot now. all beings are always putting me on the spot. That's the normal situation. I hope you enjoy it.

[90:45]

I'm not enjoying putting you on the spot, but I enjoyed what you just said. Well, you always are putting me on the spot, so I hope you enjoy it. I'm always putting me on the spot? You're always putting me on the spot. But not just you, all beings are always putting me on the spot. That spot? This spot. Yeah. So I hope you enjoy it, because it's your ongoing work. By the way, you're also putting all other beings on the spot. The whole universe is based on you. You're putting us all on our spot. So please enjoy it while you're still in the pink. Do you feel complete?

[92:08]

You haven't told me you love me. I haven't? I feel that you've been beating around the bush and telling me that you love me, but I haven't really heard it. You feel I've been beating around the bush? You're telling me that you love me. But you haven't really heard it yet? Is that what you're saying? Yes. You haven't heard me say I love you? Yes. You didn't hear that? No. Okay. I think I understand that you didn't hear that. Should I say it over and over? You would not like that and we wouldn't get anywhere.

[93:12]

So you don't really want me to? To say it over and over? Fine. But I thought you said we wouldn't get anywhere. Maybe we will. Maybe we will. Do you want to get somewhere? Hmm? Yes. Where do you want to get? In this issue. Yeah, where do you want to get? I want to know that you love me. Not that you just tolerate me or say, oh, poor hopeless. You want to know that I love you? Yes. Do you want to know how to know that I love you? Do I want to know how to know that you love me? Yes. Yeah, I think I got something there. I'm enjoying seeing you.

[94:21]

And I'm enjoying seeing you. Thank you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Fred can explain to you. how to know that I love you. Okay? He'll explain to you. Right now he'll explain to you. Would you tell her how to know that I love her? I love asking you. What did you say? I'm not asking again. I stopped. I'm not asking again. Well, I thought Fred would give you the right answer, but it wasn't the right answer. Usually he knows. Maybe in the process he will be more... The way to know that I love you is to pay homage to all Buddhas.

[95:25]

Praise all Buddhas. Make offerings to all Buddhas. Confess and repent any shortcomings in your practice. Rejoice in the merits of others. And so on. Practice those vows and you will know that I love you. If you don't practice those vows, Even if you think I love you, you won't know it. The only way you'll know how I love you is by doing those practices. Until there, it's just hearsay, like, I love you or I don't love you. But to know it, we must do these practices. Otherwise, we just think people love us, but we don't understand it. We don't get to move in the water. within the water of love.

[96:28]

And you will understand that it's coming completely. So it's quite a big job, isn't it? That's right. A hopeful, mysterious, wonderful talk. Great. Thank you. You're welcome. If you mean I love you. But I love you too. Roberta said that earlier on. Roberta's over there. I love you too. I love you too. Fred? Missed that. Please repeat that for us. What did you say?

[97:36]

You don't have to, Fred. But there was a request for you to repeat whatever you said. Tom, Arlene asked you to repeat what you said. And remember, this is a free zendo. I feel generous today as a result of these proceedings. Does Fred ever tell you he loves you? Does Fred ever tell you he loves you? Does Fred tell you he loves you? Fred? Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. And Elena tells me she loves Fred. I think she tells him too.

[98:59]

Don't you tell Fred that you love him? Yeah. That's pretty clear that they tell each other that. But to tell you the truth, if I may say something about you guys? May I? May I, Fred? May I tell people about your practice? although they tell each other that they love each other and although they hear each other say that they love each other they have not yet fully understood how much they love each other that's why they're practicing Zen They want to fully understand that. Are they a couple? They're married, yeah. They're newlyweds.

[100:21]

That's what we're working on, is for them to feel like newlyweds. And the same with all of us, that we're newlyweds, that we are meeting each other and committing to each other each moment freshly, giving up our old commitments, finding the new ones. This is zazen. Right? Well, it seems to have quieted down somewhat.

[100:59]

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