There has been a request for me to give some guidance to sitting posture. But I usually say to the group before I respond to that request, that if you do not want me to give you any postural guidance, or pastoral guidance, please let me know, leave me a note, or just raise your hand if I touch you, just raise your hand, and I won't go any further. or tell me face to face that you'd rather not have me touch your body and mind. And I'll try to refrain.

[01:04]

We have a bit more volume. You want more volume? It's okay? Claire Ash Wheeler or is it Wheeler Ash gave me a ride from Guy House to her house before the retreat and I talked to her about an article that I had just read in The Nation and The Nation is a magazine published in the United States and I think it refers to the nation of the United States the magazine And the lead article is, I told her about the lead article, is something like, too late for empire. The article says, it's kind of unfair in a way that, you know, Rome got to have an empire and Britain got to have an empire.

[02:16]

But the United States, you know, with more power than any country has ever had, doesn't seem to be able to get an empire. And it's got leaders who are still trying to get one. But the article starts out by the author apologizing because he finds himself feeling the need to be repetitive, to say certain things over and over, to say things too much and yet not enough. too much for those who have heard it and had it sink in, and not enough for most people who have either not heard it or it just doesn't seem to be taking hold. And some of the things he feels a need to repeat, he feels a need to repeat in America. Because people in the rest of the world have easier time hearing these things.

[03:23]

So some of the things he feels the need to repeat is that the administration of the government of the United States, led by the president, went into Iraq, invaded Iraq, because they wanted to eliminate the weapons of mass destruction that were in Iraq. But they didn't find any. And also they went in there because they said that Saddam Hussein was connected to Al-Qaeda, but he isn't. And it went on to list a number of other things. And this kind of information is available in the United States, but not too many people are hearing it. because there's so much noise in the media about other things like McDonald's and etc., that people cannot hear this little, this kind of information.

[04:33]

So he feels a need to say it again and again, but he apologizes. And I kind of feel like that in myself, that I say things over and over and I think, oh, these people probably getting really bored with me saying the same, it's probably irritating for me to repeat these messages over and over. So I'm sorry, but I also haven't said it enough. And part of my message, it's not really my message, it's part of the message which I'm in service of, is the message that everything that's happening is an opportunity to realize the Buddha way. This is the message of Genjo Koan, which again can be translated many ways.

[05:45]

One way is manifestation, genjo, manifestation of the koan. And koan, originally the word koan, or Chinese word gungan, Japanese koan, it means a law or a decision made by a law court. So when that legal term was taken over and used by Zen practitioners or Buddhist practitioners in China of the school which we call Zen they use that common Chinese word to mean the law or the truth or reality bigger than the reality of China, the reality of the universe

[06:46]

So we can say that the text we've been looking at is about something and what it's about is the manifestation of the law or the truth or the realization of the truth. But koan also has come now to be also used to refer to stories of people who are realizing the truth together. So there's many Zen stories which are called koans. But it's not exactly that the story is the truth, but rather the story is a present manifestation which, when you understand, reveals the truth.

[08:00]

The truth can be realized through this present thing called a story. The stories are to be understood. And the stories are often about understanding. Understandings often are part of the narrative of the story. And sometimes we hear the stories of these that supposedly occurred a thousand years ago, or fifteen hundred years ago, or even two thousand five hundred years ago. And sometimes even stories from before Buddha we hear. Stories of the truth, stories of reality. And then when we hear that story, that's the koan. And then the question is, not the question yet question, the issue, the issue. Another translation of koan is the issue at hand.

[09:06]

So when you hear a story, the issue at hand is how is this story manifested now? When you hear a Zen story, yeah, that's a nice story. How is that story happening now? How is that ancient story your story? And many times when people hear these stories, they think, they don't say this, but it's kind of like they're saying, this is not my story. I never have a story like this. This is a story, a very strange story. I never... So strange, wonderful, exotic, amazing, but not my story. I'm just a whatever. I'm not a Zen monk or a Zen master living in China 2,000 years ago. That's not me. I'm not an eagle. I'm not a falcon.

[10:09]

I'm not a storm. I'm not a song. People sometimes feel like that. But the Genjo koan is about how everything is you. How everything realizes you. Everything. Including this terrible thing of invading Iraq on false pretenses. That's about you. That story realizes you. And if you understand that, you can work for peace much more effectively. What I think is not me is more me than what I think is me.

[11:12]

By far. All things realize me. I do not realize myself. So you could translate also as Genjo Kahan as realizing the story. And it was stories that attracted me to Zen, as I've told you often. I didn't hear about the Buddha in India and think, oh, I want to practice the Buddha way. I did not. I was not attracted to Buddhism or Buddha. I heard stories of people who are called Zen monks, and I heard those stories and I said,

[12:18]

I didn't say, that's my story. I said, I want that to be my story. I want my story to be like their story. How could my story be like their story? I didn't know, but that's what I wanted. And I still do. A Zen priest living in a little hut on the hillside above the Japan Sea. He's a poet. His name's Ryokan. One full moon night, sitting awake in his little hut, he hears something crunching through the grass. It sounds like something or somebody sneaking up to his house. Doesn't sound like deer feet. It doesn't make those little tiny crunchy sounds that deer feet make. It's a bigger crunchy sound, like human feet or gorilla feet.

[13:24]

But no gorillas in the slopes. Must be a human. Why are they sneaking up to my house? Maybe it's somebody wants something. But they're not saying, hey, Ryokan, here I come. Maybe it's a thief. Maybe he wants my stuff. So before the thief comes, gets into his house, he takes all of his possessions, including his clothes, and throws them out the window and says, here, take it all. And as the amazed thief goes off with his stuff. He yells out, I'm sorry I can't give you the full moon too. I want to be like that. That's the pattern of relationship I aspire to. That's the intention of the Buddhas.

[14:29]

Take all of me. You know, there's a monastery and the monks come to the teacher and say, somebody's stealing our stuff. our stuff's disappearing from our rooms and from our meditation seats. Somebody's stealing our meager monastic equipment. And I don't know exactly, I don't remember the story so clearly, but anyway the teacher, maybe you could say the teacher instigates a search and they go around looking in people's rooms and they find in one of the rooms all of the stuff, the stolen stuff. So then the teacher has all the rest of the monks bring all of their stuff and put them in the guy's room.

[15:37]

There's a story, it's also called a koan, and it's about... The koan is often called Linji's Great Enlightenment. Linji is also called Rinzai. So he was a Buddhist monk and he went to a monastery and the teacher at the monastery's name was Wong Bo. And Linji was living in this monastery for maybe two or three years. And after that time, the head monk, not the teacher, but the head of the monks, the leader of the monks, said to Linji, have you ever gone to see the master, Wang Bo?

[17:14]

And Linji said, no, I'm fine. I don't need to see him. And the head monk said, you should, you should see him. He's cool. He's a great teacher. You'll love him. And Linji said, well, what should I say? He said, well, ask him what the most profound meaning of the Buddha Dharma is. So Linji says, okay. And he goes to see Wang Bo and he asks him, what's the ultimate meaning of the Buddha Dharma? And Wang Bo slaps him. Also, Wang Bo is really a big guy. He's seven feet tall. One of the tallest Buddhist teachers of all time. And so he slaps Lin Ji, who's not so big.

[18:19]

And I guess it hurts because he goes back and the head monk said, how did it go? He said, well, I asked him the question and he slapped me and it hurt. And the head monk said, oh, okay, well, go ask him again. So then he does. And the master slaps him again. And again the head monk asks him, What happened this time? He said, he slapped me again. Oh. Well, you should ask him one more time. He says, okay. And he goes back again and asks him again. And a third time, a third time, Wang Bo slaps Lin Ji. Hard. Hard. with his big hand, and Linji leaves.

[19:24]

And the head monk says, what happened this time? He said, he hit me again, and I'm leaving this monastery. And the head monk says, oh, okay, well, I understand. But you should say goodbye to the teacher. Don't just leave. And Linji says, Okay. The head monk goes to the teacher before Lenji arrives and says, don't hit him this time. He's a great, he's a good guy. And Wang Bo says, I know. So Linji comes to see Wang Bo and says, I am leaving the monastery, but he stands real far away, out of reach.

[20:31]

And Wang Bo says, okay, you can leave. But I suggest that when you leave, you go over that mountain right over there to the next valley and go see this guy, friend of mine, named Da Yu. And then he says, okay. And he leaves and goes over the mountain and visits Da Yu. And then he tells Dayu, you know, he says, hi, Dayu. And Dayu says, where are you coming from? He says, I'm coming from Wang Bo's monastery. He says, how are things going there? He says, well, it was pretty good for about three years. But then I went to see Wang Bo, and the head monk told me I should go, and I asked him this question, and he slapped me. And I went through this three times, and that's why I decided to leave.

[21:36]

And Dayu says, Wow. Wang Bo has really realized grandmother kindness. And then she woke up. And with tears of joy, he bowed to Dayu. And Dayu says, what happened? He said, now I see there's not much to Wangbo Zen. Now you said, a minute ago you were whining about him slapping you, you know, and now you, what do you call it, wet-bedding brat?

[22:42]

Or bed-wetting brat? Now you're complaining about him saying that there's not much to his Zen. Come here. And he grabs him and starts shaking him. And Linji punches him in the ribs three times and knocks him down and sits on his chest. And Dayu said, okay, go back to Wang Bo. So he goes back to Wang Bo and goes to meet him. in his awakened state and now realizes the great love the teacher was showing him all along. And Wang Bo says, Da Yu is much too talkative

[23:59]

He told you too much. And then he slapped Wang Bo. But Wang Bo didn't complain. He understands love. Also, I just wanted to mention that

[25:27]

I think it works better when you ask questions if you come up here, because then I don't have to repeat them for the recording machine, and also I can hear you better and other people can hear you better. So although it's more difficult, I know, to come up here and ask your question than to ask it from the hinterlands, I would suggest that you come up here and sit near me and speak into the microphone and ask your questions. I'm not saying this to reduce the question. I didn't get it. Why would a slap in the face be coming from grandmother mind? Did you get it now? Soda. Do you get it now? Huh? Do I get to slap you back? If you get it, you get to slap me back.

[26:34]

I need to understand how the invasion of Iraq on false pretenses is something that supports my life and something that I'm responsible for in order to say no as an act of love rather than an act of hating hating back hate, but rather loving love by saying no to it, sometimes, very strongly. So I say no, I say I can't believe that such stupidity has manifested. But at the same time, this stupidity is supporting my life and supporting the life of all beings.

[28:30]

If beings can see this, they can respond with love rather than hate to what they think is hate. Wong Bo's slap in the face was love of the deepest kind. It was love to awaken Linji from his limited idea of love. And three times didn't work. But then when he went to see Dayu, he understood. And then he could help others awaken from the dream of the limits of love, the limits of Buddha's compassion. There is no limit, but we see it in limited ways and we believe the limits. But even our limited view of love

[29:37]

is the whole universe manifesting as a limited view of love. With this wombo thing, I have this uneasy thing arising in my mind, which is that President Bush is bombing Iraq to give them free elections, to liberate them.

[30:39]

Right. So... That's what he says. I don't know, but... That's what he says, yeah. So that makes me feel uneasy about slapping people. You feel uneasy about slapping people? Oh yeah. Okay, you can feel uneasy about slapping people. Some people feel uneasy about feeling uneasy about slapping people. That's fine too. That you You are the realization of truth of you right now. And you feeling uneasy about slapping people is what we're working with here. I would like to understand how President Bush can justify slapping people.

[31:54]

Okay, that's what you would like to understand, how he can do that? If you can stand it, listen to him, that's all. That's how he would justify it. What he says is how he tries to justify it. But he cannot justify slapping people. You cannot justify slapping people. You can't do it by yourself. I'm trying to discover the relationship between doing something that is liberating for myself and doing something that will bring liberation to all beings. Right, so in truth, something that liberates me but doesn't liberate others is meaningless.

[33:16]

Only in delusion is there a liberation of me and not liberating others. That's delusion. Can it not also be that if you work towards your own liberation that you're also working towards liberation of all people? Me working towards my liberation is the pattern of relationship called delusion. Studying the pattern of relationship called me working towards my liberation, or even the pattern of relationship of me working towards liberation of others, studying that pattern is recommended by me. But that is studying delusion. It is delusion that I am working towards liberation, and I am working towards anything. That's the pattern of delusion that I in here, that I am trying to practice the path of peace.

[34:23]

If you're trying to examine your intentions in a course of action, if you can feel that it's working towards your own peace and harmony, is it... It working towards It working towards your peace and harmony is more like enlightenment. But does that also mean it works towards, if you make a vow to work for the peace and liberation of all beings, does the one, the one is not separate from the other? They're not separate, it's true. But the vow to work for the liberation of all beings does not have to be understood as I make the vow. There just is the vow to work for the welfare of all beings.

[35:28]

But the pattern of I'm doing this rather than I'm born now in the coming of this vow, that is a pattern of delusion. But if this pattern is studied it can be learned, understood, and forgotten. And once forgotten, one can see another pattern, which is sort of the reverse of the first one, where instead of, I'm working for the welfare of all beings, all beings are coming forth, realizing me. And that's the pattern in which I'm liberated together with all beings. So in studying intention, is it best to study intention in the past and not to try to make intention for the future? She said, you heard of that?

[36:35]

It's best to study intention in the present. And intention is nothing more, nothing in addition to the link between past and future. It's nothing in itself. And the more you study intention and see the pattern, the more you realize that nothing has inherent self. Nothing has independent self. And this is one of the keys One of the main keys for realizing selflessness is to study your action, because your action is a pattern of relationship. So the present actually cannot be found, because there's nothing more than a relationship between past and future. And of course past cannot be found and future cannot be found. But start with the present, because the present's the place we have a hard time being.

[37:42]

because that's what we are. We have a hard time being where we are. We have easy time being someplace else. In other words, we have easy time dreaming and a hard time to be awake to what's happening now. But the more you study what's happening now, the more you realize you can't find it. So first, settle the self. Next, study the self. First settle with your intention, then learn your intention, then forget your intention. The forget means you study it until you get to the place where you feel like you can't, where you realize you can't find your intention, because your intention is not something by itself, it is a pattern of relationships between you and the whole universe. And at first, when you study your pattern of relationship, the pattern you'll see between self and other is the pattern of delusion. Because even delusion is not something in itself. It's a pattern of relationship between self and other called delusion, which is I'm here before you, and now I'm going to relate to you.

[38:52]

I'm here before I come in the room. And then I come in the room and I'm the first thing in the room. And then there's you. I meet you. I practice with you. I'm friendly to you. I slap you. That's the pattern of delusion. Studying that pattern, you will forget that pattern. And when you forget that pattern, you will be enlightened by everything in the pattern. And then, then you will be better able and have the energy to find a way to lovingly say to many people, especially in America, George Bush and his friends invaded Iraq because of weapons of mass destruction and they didn't find them. They went in to get Sadhu Hussein because he was connected to Al-Qaeda and he wasn't. You can talk to people.

[39:55]

about the situation as an act of love. And they'll listen to you because they can see you love them. And you do because you understand that they're giving you life. They're giving you the life of a person who's talking to them. It's not like you are already there going to tell them something. Everybody animates you to talk to them. everybody realizes you, everybody gives you life, including George Bush. All criminals give you life. When you see that, you love them. When you love them, you can help them. But not through you helping them, I said it that way, but really you can help them by realizing how they're helping you. But for now, we need to study our own delusion.

[41:01]

Learn about it, forget about it, be enlightened about it. And this is what makes Buddhas. I'd like to ask a question about studying. Can you hear her? When I look at my intention, I see that I'm doing the practice to get something out of it for myself. And that's delusion. But I'm just wondering how I study that. I don't really understand the word.

[42:05]

I think my first response would be, you reported what you saw, okay? And I would say, then look at the next moment. That intention is gone now. There's another one. Look at the next one. That one goes. Look at the next one. Just keep looking. Now, you may see similar patterns, but the more you look at a similar pattern or maybe what looks like the same pattern, the more you look at it over and over, you will see that it's not the same pattern. Okay? If you're in this pattern and you look at the world, you think the world's changing and that you're not. If you look at the pattern in your own mind, at first you might think, oh, it's stable. But the more you look at it, you realize it doesn't have an abiding self. It's got a self in the sense that, you know, one pattern is different from another pattern.

[43:11]

Lloyd's pattern is different from Josh's pattern, if they look. So there's a self of those patterns, but it's not an independent self. It's an interdependent self. It's a constantly changing self. the form of your consciousness, the form of your intention is constantly changing, and it has no inherent existence. The more you look at it, the more you realize it. If you look at my hand, and you notice that it has five fingers, you just analyzed my hand. You don't say, okay, I'm going to analyze this hand into five fingers. But you could, you say, okay, the next thing he presents me, I'm going to analyze, and I go... See, it's got five fingers, and fingernails, and hair. So you can intentionally analyze my hand, or you can just notice that I have five fingers. Your mind just analyzed my hand into a palm and five fingers. It naturally analyzes things. If you don't notice how your mind's analyzing things, you're missing part of the show.

[44:15]

You may think something like, okay, I intend to practice Buddhism. There's an analysis already in that language. You may not see it at first, but the more you look at it, you see, oh, there's a me, there's a Buddhism, there's practice. And then what's Buddhism? And then so on. You start to more and more see the pattern. Just by looking at it repeatedly, Pay close attention to every single action. Every moment of consciousness has an action. The action is the will, the intention, the volition, the vow, the wish. There's always one there. Look at it as much as possible. Each moment, look at it. The more you look at it, the more subtleties you'll see. Now there may be this repeated basic pattern of you operating on the field. That delusion pattern may reoccur.

[45:16]

And it may change from you trying to get something for yourself to you trying to get something for others, but still it's like you practicing the way. The more you look at that, the closer you get to see that actually you're not separate from the practice and the way. And you start to see you're not separate from all the things that make you. And you start to see you don't make yourself. Everything else makes you. And then you kind of forget yourself. And then when you forget yourself, then the pattern gives birth to yourself. So it isn't just that you study learn the self study the self forget the self there's another step where everything enlightens you where everything gives you birth where you have a loving relationship with everything including cruelty and violence

[46:19]

There was cruelty and violence when Buddha was alive, Shakyamuni Buddha, and there has been the appearance of cruelty and violence since. Some people awaken to the love that's going on at the same time. But we have to come out of our usual view, and the only way to come out of our usual view is to study it, moment by moment. Every moment, watch your action. When you see delusion... When you see delusion? ...do you recommend confessing your delusion or not? Is that getting too complicated? It's fine to confess it. But this thing, it actually, you know, this text that we chanted at the beginning, it didn't say confess your delusion. It said confess your lack of faith and practice. You don't really have to confess delusion.

[47:26]

It's okay to confess delusion, but you don't have to confess delusion. What you need to confess is that you have not been paying attention to your delusion. That's a lack of practice. Confess, I haven't been practicing, I haven't been watching my delusions. I haven't been watching my actions. And also I don't have faith that watching my actions is that important. I don't really believe it's that important to watch my actions, so I haven't been doing it. I've been acting, I suppose, but who cares? It's not that important whether I've been noticing what I'm doing. But actually, I confess that I don't believe that it's worthwhile to pay attention to my karma. I confess it. And now that I confess it, you know, I feel kind of bad that I haven't been paying attention to my actions. And actually now I kind of think maybe it's good to pay attention to my actions.

[48:29]

I'm going to start paying attention to them again. Confession and repentance. Repentance means feel the pain again of not doing something that you think is good. And then go back to work. And you can confess the delusion too. But more important, as I said yesterday, being deluded is, it's not unimportant that we're deluded. That's not unimportant. But what's much more important than our state of delusion, more or less, or even our state of enlightenment, even the state of enlightenment isn't so important as whether you study it. Because even if you're enlightened and you don't study that, enlightenment dies. So delusion studied is the living practice. And if confessing your delusion helps you study it, fine. Because in some sense, in order to see it, you confess it.

[49:32]

You say, well, this is the pattern. Me, separate from the world. Me, separate from the practice. That's the pattern I see. And I heard there's delusion. But I have the extreme joy of studying it. And I understand, and it makes perfect sense to me, and I'm actually confident that the Buddhas have been studied. They also studied their delusion. They studied it and studied it until they were enlightened about it. And that enlightenment about delusion creates the Buddhas. So right now I'm not enlightened about my delusion, but I'm studying it. just like the Buddhists all have studied. And, you know, I have no lack of faith to confess at the moment. I'm just totally gung-ho about this study right now. It's great. I have a deluded view of practice, but at least I'm looking at it.

[50:33]

And one more thing which is very important, I think, to mention, and that is when we say the true Dharma, we don't mean the true Dharma of Christianity, of Islam, of Confucianism, of Judaism, or of Buddhism. We mean the true Dharma is not the true Dharma of the Buddhist school. The true Dharma is the Dharma of Judaism going beyond Judaism, Islam going beyond Islam, Christianity going beyond Christianity, and Buddhism going beyond Buddhism. That's the true Dharma. The true Dharma transcends all religions. And someone might say, especially Buddhism. Buddhism is the one that should most be transcended.

[51:42]

But really, the transcendence of the form is possible because of the truth. And we call it Buddha, but it just means awakening. It doesn't mean Shakyamuni Buddha only. It means all those who have understood delusions. And we all have a delusion available to study. So we could all participate in the understanding of delusion, because we've got it all the time to study. I also appreciate people going to the toilet when they need to. I do not want to be held responsible for your problems. Although I am.

[52:47]

I'd like to ask about hard lines. You'd like to ask about hard lines? Yes, drawing hard lines. Drawing hard lines, okay. Did you understand that? She wants to talk about drawing hard lines. Setting up boundaries? Yes. Drawing hard lines, like, I do not want you to slap me again. Got it. Like that? Um... Yes. Um... Um... The insistence of the hard line is a problem. Can you hear her?

[53:52]

Because of course it's an intense action. Insistence? Yes. Is an intense action? Yes. So there's a lot of the I in there. You've been looking into your mind and you've noticed that when there's a drawing of a line there's an I in there? Yes. Doing a line drawing? Yes. Did you notice that there's an eye there when you unintentionally draw the line? When you kind of very softly, wimpily draw the line? Not so obvious. Not so obvious. It's there then, too. Yes. So that's one virtue of drawing the line intensely, is it makes it easier for you to notice your delusion. And what a lot of people do is they draw their lines real softly so they won't notice how deluded they are.

[55:00]

But if the wine is drawn very strongly, then the self appears strongly. Yikes! Delusion! So, generally speaking, if you're going to make a mistake, do it loudly. So, Draw the lines with intensity so that you can discover your delusion. Which you might not notice if you just say, can I draw a little line here? You might not notice you say, can I draw? Say very quietly, can I draw the line? So drawing line with insistence and intensity for the sake of studying the Dharma, is basically very good. Because it helps you see the pattern of delusion. It helps you see this totally nonsensical pattern of you being separate from the line and those who you're setting the line up for.

[56:13]

But those you set the line up for react often very, very strongly. Good. Well, it's not peaceful and harmonious. It's not peaceful and harmonious because it's a pattern of delusion. The disharmony is because of seeing the self separate from the other. That's the delusion and that's where the disharmony comes from. So if you see, okay, self, very clear and strong, separate from others, clear and strong, then you will see disharmony, clear and strong. If the self is turned way down, kind of like, well, there might be a self here who's drawing a line and the line's not going to be very strong, so nobody's going to react strongly. Maybe there's no disharmony. So maybe it's okay, maybe delusion's fine, actually.

[57:22]

I don't have to look at it anymore, so I'm taking a break. But when you see self strongly, consistently splitting a line, others having strong reactions, you see, oh, this is violence. This is the pattern of violence. This is the source of violence. Self, separate from other. There it is. And putting a line between them that's very soft and wimpy, and the self's really quiet, and the other doesn't say much, because they hardly know you drew the line, then you don't see the disharmony. It's there, but you don't see it. So... Setting boundaries as a ritual act to develop realization of intimacy is a normal part of the practice. For example, we haven't been doing it so strongly here.

[58:27]

We have beginnings and ends of periods. And you have seats here. You each have your own seat. There's a boundary between your seat and the next seat. So there hasn't been any huge boundary assertions here so far that I've seen. So the violence between people has not been surfaced about turf wars and so on. I can feel it. When I go back to my seat, I feel it. I feel all my space. When you get back to your seat, you feel your own territory there? Yeah. Yeah, well, that's good. That's good. That's good. Yes. That's how you learn. That's how you study delusions, to feel that even the feeling of, well, my seat at Gaia House is mine. Even that. If you assert it strongly, then you can see, oh my God, here it is. This is the drama of violence right here.

[59:30]

This is my seat, rather than everyone's giving it to me. So it's very good for you to do this, and it's very good that people respond to you strongly. This is all for the purpose of your awakening. And the fact that you study this and are aware of this, it's great. And if you stop setting boundaries around your sitting area, you're just going to go back to sleep. Man. One time, two birds were fighting with each other, and a monk asked the Zen teacher, Dung Shan, pointed to the birds fighting, and he said, what's that about? And Dongshan said, it's all for your edification. It's all for your sake. May you do something? May I say something to Linda?

[60:32]

Linda, which Linda? That Linda. You're asking me? I would suggest you ask her. I know it's both of you. Okay, you asked me already, ask her now. May I say something to you then? All right. I'm not going to slap you my grandson says I'm not going to fall for that trick come closer feel free When you came to sit beside me... Can you hear her?

[61:36]

The other days... You have to speak up. Don't start whispering now. When you came to sit beside me, Linda, the previous days of the retreat, I had... I wasn't welcoming your presence. I didn't welcome... I had a version and today I realized I didn't have a version and the thing that happened was I saw that I saw that I'm refusing myself.

[62:38]

I mean, this is how I see it. Things in myself, I create you so I can refuse them. But I realize they... You already put it in words. You can stop now. Good Zen student. Studying, learning about the self. First she thought, this is my seat, that's Linda's seat, Linda's not me. Now she starts to see, this is a horrible thing to see. And she doesn't welcome this person who's not her to sit next to her. But then she starts to see that Linda is more her than what she thinks she is. Everybody else There's nothing to us. Everybody else is all there is to us. But at first we feel like everything's to us and we allow some people in the area. So she's studying this delusion pattern.

[63:43]

She's learning about it. And it's very painful the first day. Then it starts to shift as she studies it. It's very good. You can teach an old dog new tricks. If you're a good enough teacher. LAUGHTER I'd like to understand how to study George Bush. The... Study yourself. That's how to study George Bush. So... Study your daily actions.

[64:44]

So... This morning, studying my daily actions... with things like lettuce leaves and wasp nests. Today studying your daily actions with things like lettuce leaves? And wasps. And wasps. And wasp nests, yes. With these, taking these things in nature, then, or studying these things within my actual experience, Yes. Then... I'm faltering at not knowing how to describe the experience that happened with the lettuce leaf.

[66:03]

So how to describe this and yet this... How to do this with George Bush, which is not within your experience? How to do this with George Bush? What did you say after that? How do I do this with George Bush, which is... Which is... Not, I said not... Which is not... Within my experience. Within your experience. George Bush is within your experience. Mm-hmm. Your experience depends on George Bush. Mm-hmm. The lettuce leaves depend on George Bush. Mm-hmm. If you study what you're up to, and I say what you're up to, but what I mean is, if you study your moment-by-moment intention in relationship to lettuce leaves in a wasp's nest, if you see that pattern, you will see how George Bush fits into that. And you'll see how George Bush is more what you are than your idea of what you are. You'll see that.

[67:04]

And then you will be enlightened by George Bush. And when you're enlightened by George Bush, you can help George Bush, you can support him to be less harmful, to be a part of a pattern of peace when you see that. But before you see that, you're less able to contribute positively to the situation because you're not looking at it. You're not looking at your relationship with George, the wasps, and the lettuce. And your relationship with them is, first of all, that you're here and you have a relationship with them, but then as you study you realize actually there's the lettuce, the wasps, and George. And I'm born in that. I'm not something in addition to that. Of course, there's also a body, a history, and so on. There's many things that are coming forth.

[68:08]

All dharmas are coming forth to create the self. The self is born in the advent of all things. That's how the self appears. But when we first look, we don't see the birth. We don't see creation. We see something dead called a self that's already been created and now the self is acting on the world. And we have problems with some people because we don't think we're them. We don't see how they give us life. But we can see that people give us life and still say to them, Please stop doing that. I don't like you doing that. I think you should go to prison for that. I think that would be a really good thing to help you understand the Dharma. And you mean it. And this slap is really totally love. So by paying acute attention to everything that I'm doing,

[69:13]

Yes? Sounds good? Acute and tranquil attention. Acute and tranquil. Like, you know, sewing a robe, each stitch precisely done. What does he say? Precise but not pedantic. Precise and relaxed. Every action I tend to do in that way. Yes? So whether or not George Bush is in the room, the paying acute, relaxed and precise attention to everything will enable me to realize how to understand with love George Bush. That's the proposal.

[70:14]

Which might, you know, it might include that you would lovingly cooperate with war crimes indictments. That might be a good thing to do. That might be a very loving drama. of cause and effect in this world? I don't know what would be best. But I don't want to separate myself from the evil ones. I don't want to separate myself from those who want to separate themselves from the evil ones. You know? We have leaders now who are saying, they're the evil ones, they're the bad ones. I don't want to separate myself from people who talk like that. And if I see that I see myself separate as them, then I say, oh, there's a delusion in my mind that I'm separate from those who think they're better than other people.

[71:27]

I don't see how they are giving me life. Therefore, according to the Dharma I've heard, and actually the Dharma that makes sense to me, I am experiencing delusion. But again, I'm very happy to notice it. So if they ask who's having a delusion attack, I can raise my hand with confidence that I'm telling the truth and practicing not putting myself above those who put themselves above those, and so on. Yeah. That's the idea. Okay. Okay, yeah, just in this conversation actually I can already feel some softening in that I just had some sense of compassion for George Bush, actually, which is... Yeah, compassion for George Bush. Compassion for George Bush. Compassion for George Bush. And some people say, no, no, compassion has its limits.

[72:34]

We don't extend it that far. Compassion for George Bush. And the precepts of compassion, by the way, we're going to, with your support, I'd like to do a ceremony of transmitting, giving precepts to Carol Hunter and Alan Wood during this retreat, if that's okay with you. And one of these precepts of compassion is not to praise yourself at the expense of others. That means you don't put yourself above even George Bush. And I say that to so-called disciples of Buddha, and they say, I have to be better than him. You know, you can't ask me to not put myself above him. I'm not asking you to, I'm just telling you that that's the precept. That's what compassionate beings do, not put themselves above criminals and lunatics.

[73:41]

and communists and Jews and Arabs and suicide bombers and pirates. They don't put themselves above. They see themselves born in advent of these beings. And therefore they see compassion and they live it because they see it. That's what they see. So feeling compassion for George Bush? Yes. And compassion can take the form of saying, Darling, dear, sweet grandson, do not throw rocks at me. I don't like it when you throw rocks at me. Please stop throwing rocks at me. I don't want to play that game anymore. But that can be an expression of love. towards the little monster who was attacking me and having a really good time of it and saying, Victory!

[74:53]

I won! That's what my grandson talks, just talks, just like George Bush. He wants, my little grandson wants an empire and he's not getting one. but the place he's most likely to get one would be me I would be the easiest thing to dominate his mother he has no chance with so yes please compassion for George Bush compassion for George Bush compassion for Dick Cheney Donald Rumsfeld compassion and compassion for the American people who can't even hear what's going on because there's so much noise coming at them to distract them from simple basic pieces of information, which if they actually looked at them and listened to them and let us sink in, there would be an extreme uproar and impeachment.

[76:01]

They would even force the Republicans to throw them out. The people would be so, if they register what's going on, the people would lovingly, compassionately remove him from office as an act of compassion before any more harm occurs through his office. Of course that's the way to do it, but people can't hear because not enough loving people are giving him the message. and asking them to do the compassionate thing, which would be to remove him from office, probably. I think so. But let's start with compassion. And if we don't feel it, let's look at what's stopping it. And what's stopping it is the delusion in our mind. That's what's interfering with it. That's what's setting limits on it. Otherwise, there's no limits on it. Everybody gets it. And nobody's less good than us. Okay.

[77:07]

Could I just ask something else? I'd like to ask something else. You mentioned your grandson throwing rocks. Yes, my grandson throws rocks, yes. And this reminds me that I chose to leave a wasp's nest by my back door. because I don't like to kill things. But actually, I've got stung twice this summer, and the second time, my legs swelled up. So I'm wondering about the situation. I don't want to kill things, but at the same time, there's some harm to me from The wasp nest. So it reminded me of your grandson, you saying to your grandson, don't throw rocks, except I can't say to the wasp, don't sting me, because actually, well, I could say that to him. Well, is there any compassionate way to get some help to move the wasp nest? Can't it be moved without trying to kill the wasps?

[78:10]

From what I played, because my neighbors killed another one on the drive, and basically to move it is to kill it. Well, I don't know. I think I might myself get together, have a little group of people, if there's a wasp nest by my house, and have some people to help me move the wasp nest. in trying not to kill any wasps. And if they get killed, that's not my intention. But I am taking a risk that they might be killed, but I think that might be better than them killing me. My intention is not to kill them, but I want to make the place safe for myself and others, so I might take that risk. I'm not sure I would. I might move out of the house instead. Yeah, I figure they're going to be dead in a few weeks anyway. Exactly, so maybe just go to two-week retreat.

[79:12]

Somebody pointed, a couple of years ago I was here when the hillsides were covered with murdered cows. And someone pointed out to me, just the other day, Roger pointed out to me that you could have just let the disease run its course. instead of killing them. That's what they did in other parts of the world. So yeah, so maybe just take another week retreat after this one. Yes, your name again? Helen. Can I say something about what happened to me yesterday, and then I'll end up with a question. All right, fine. Would you come up here, please? I dropped the ladle into the pea soup while we were handing out the soup, and...

[80:27]

I felt very embarrassed about it, and somebody went and got another ladle. Somebody burnt their hand trying to get it out. And it was fine, and then we all moved on. But I then found, for the next couple of sits at least, I was thinking about this and feeling embarrassed and guilty, and why didn't I go and get the ladle and... And then I realized that there was, in all that embarrassment and the shame and the guilt, I was holding on to something about me. It was me feeling embarrassed and guilty and shameful. And then I also, while I was thinking that, I was realizing that I was also trying to think of somebody to blame for this. The kitchen staff made the ladles too short. That's about as far as I could get.

[81:29]

I couldn't get much better. But it was certainly their fault. And I thought, I did come to think, thinking about that sense of shame and guilt from my action, turning into criticizing somebody else. And I was wondering whether that, both that sense of holding, as long as I felt shameful and guilty, although the feelings were horrible, I did have a feeling of me. It was me who'd done something bad. which seemed to serve some purpose, holding on to me. But also that in the then wanting to blame somebody else, you know, I could have got as far as writing a note to the kitchen staff about how short their ladle handles were. It was, I wondered that if that was similar to, we keep talking about George Bush, I'd quite like to bring Tony Blair into it because, and the English, but the British people, because we've had our own part to play in this.

[82:45]

Whether that sense is the same sort of, the same, the wish to bomb somebody because you're feeling shameful and guilty. Is that what you're meaning about compassion for or being the same as, recognising the same sort of aggression or same impulses in me as there are in George Bush? Or are you meaning something more than that? Basically what I'm pointing to is that the field of study which you're disclosing to us, you are observing this moment-by-moment field in which you were present and there were various other elements and there was activity arising, the study of that field is what we call giving close attention to all your actions.

[83:48]

This is the realm to study. And the more you study that, the more you realize that you and the other do not have an independent existence. And when you realize that, compassion will be totally unhindered. Prior to that, there may be bubbles of compassion coming up here and there, which is good, but it will be not fully realized and not fully skillful. because of belief in two things being separate, or basically you and the world being separate, that aren't separate. And there will be stress and confusion because that's not true. But you're studying the field that should be studied. And you're seeing into the field that should be viewed. And the more you study this, the closer you get to being enlightened about this field of delusion. This is a field of delusion, where you're separate from the ladle the kitchen staff, Tony Blair, etc. It looks like that.

[84:50]

And to be aware of yourself clearly and other clearly and helps you see that there's a belief in a substantial separation between the two. The more you see that, the more you realize it can never be found. The separation, the independent existence cannot be found. This study leads to the study of the self. This is the way to study the self, to learn the self and to forget the self. And when you forget the self, then all this material, burned hands, short ladles, lentil soup, government officials who are unskillful all that you will see gives you life and you will be grateful to everything and give back this gratitude in many helpful ways that's the idea so you're studying the right thing just keep doing it and you'll get more and more skillful and see more and more subtlety and more and more relationship and less and less independent chunks

[85:55]

You separate from the pot and the soup. That separation will be more and more illuminated as unfindable. So the initial statement, I drop the ladle into the soup, is itself a delusion? Correct. Well, the initial statement is a verbal expression of a view, and that view is a relationship that doesn't exist. A relationship between yourself and others that's illusory and that you take as real, and that's the pattern of delusion. But the more you study the pattern of delusion, the closer you get to see the pattern of enlightenment, which is that short ladles and burnt hands and delicious lentils and kitchen staffs, all when they come, realize you, enlighten you.

[87:01]

So you look in the right place, just keep it up. and take care of yourself by practicing tranquility so you have ease and joy at this kind of hard work. Looking at delusion is not necessarily fun because there's lots of tension and violence in the field often. The temptation to blame and persecute and punish is there. It can arise in this fragmented field of relationship. Again, a fragmented relationship is contradictory. Fragmented connections. Okay? So, very good. Another good Zen student. Please come.

[88:10]

Please come. Pay the price. How to use language? Because each sentence holds the delusion. So when we actually use the language, we all the time support the delusion. Did you hear what she said? She said how to use language because each sentence carries the delusion in it. The structure of the language generally often reflects the feeling of separation, the view of separation, right? So how can you use language without reinforcing the patterns of delusion? So that, she has that question. One of the main ways is to study that in the pattern of language there's delusion again. to be aware that the delusion is in the pattern of language, you can become enlightened as to the delusion in the pattern of language also.

[89:15]

So the pattern of language is basically the pattern of delusion. But also language is the way you liberate beings from the pattern of delusion. So we need to use language to liberate ourselves from the patterns of delusions which languages carry. And languages need delusion to operate. But again, to become aware of this is part of the path. And to avoid using language or try to fix language up so it doesn't sound so deluded just distracts you from noticing the delusion. But sometimes I do change the pattern. But just now I didn't. I said I changed the pattern, but sometimes the pattern gets changed so that it isn't apparent, the delusion isn't apparent. That's okay. Just as a kind of exercise to see that it can, language can appear in this without subject and object being vividly separated.

[90:18]

But we need to use it to liberate ourselves from it. Just like we need to study delusion in order to become free of delusions. So it's in a way another ladle in the soup. Yes, it is. All right. Thank you. You're welcome. Well, it's quiet. Is that enough for today? We were talking earlier on about drawing hard lines. And you used expressions like, this is good because it shows our delusion. It emphasizes when you draw a hard line, the people on the other side of the hard line react.

[91:26]

If I remember what you were saying. Sometimes. It doesn't always go that way, but let's just say it goes that way. What I wonder about is how you would use language like that to compare what George Bush does, about him drawing hard lines saying, this is where the buck stops, across this line, and that upsetting people on the other side. And when it's not necessarily within a... The main difference is people do draw hard lines, but are they looking to see inside that there's delusion? Mm-hmm. And if you don't look inside to see there's delusion, people draw hard lines all the time without noticing that they're deluded when they do it. So then, that's the basic situation. Their activity of their mind is to draw a line, to separate, but they're not looking at that intention and seeing that as delusion.

[92:29]

Therefore, the consequence of that is to create more not looking And the line drawing becomes less and less skillful, more and more hard, more and more dark, more and more enacting a world of violence because the speaker who's setting the line is not looking at themselves when they're doing it. Without self-awareness, the drawing the line is not steady. So I say draw lines to help yourself study. But to draw lines or not draw lines without... without awareness is no good. We have no problem with that. We agree entirely. Can I follow through this thing, the drawing boundaries and stuff like that? One thing I had a habit or a story of perhaps not drawing boundaries previously because I felt that was being unkind to someone when in actual fact I needed to say stop or no and

[93:45]

So what I perhaps hear you saying is this thing of realizing if I want to, if I need to set a, if you're doing something towards me like throwing stones or whatever it might be, to feel a connection between us and from that space maybe say, please don't continue doing that. Is that right? It's not that it's not right. It's just that I'm not telling you that when you draw a line between yourself and somebody else, you should try to feel a connection. I'm not telling you that. What I'm saying is, when you draw a line, look inside and see what's going on. And inside what's going on is that you don't see a connection. I'm not telling you to see something you don't see. I'm not telling you to be different from you are. If you see yourself as separate from somebody and you want to put a line in there, I would say, well, be aware that you see them as separate from you.

[94:52]

Not try to feel connected. If you see that you're separate from somebody, you will eventually not try to see you're connected, you will see you're connected. So trying to feel connected to people that you're separate from, it's okay. It's just not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is look at yourself and see if you feel separate from people. And if you feel separate from people, see how that's delusion and see how that's conflict and violence. See what's happening. See how that's happening. See how that's happening. See how that's happening. And eventually you'll see that you're connected. You'll see that you're connected right at the place you feel separate, as a matter of fact. Once you see, you don't have to try to be connected. then you see that everybody is giving you life. But before you see it, don't try to see it that way. Listen to the teaching, maybe, that that's so. But then look at what's going on and notice how that's different from the teaching.

[95:54]

Therefore, you're deluded. Because the truth is that you're interdependent. But the way you see it is you're separate. I'm an anti-Buddhist inside. Okay, the more you see that, the more you will become a person who sees what the Buddha sees. By actually finding that you can, by realizing you cannot find this separation. But still, to wait until you understand that before you start setting boundaries is necessary. Set boundaries that you think would be helpful. And they will often be helpful for you to notice how you do not feel connected. But sometimes you already understand you're connected. Like I have the, you know, I have the good fortune of sometimes understanding that. Like with my grandson, I get it. He's connected to me. There's nobody else to tell me that. I don't have to try to feel that. It's more work. It's just reality.

[96:54]

So when he throws rocks, this person who's connected to me that throws rocks, when I put up a boundary between us or put up a shield, you know, I don't have to tell myself I'm still connected to him. I know it. No problem. So I put the shield up. It's an act of compassion. I love protecting myself from him. And he loves trying to break through. He doesn't feel connected to me. He doesn't see that. He's too deluded. But when it comes to him, I'm enlightened. You know, I see. So it's okay for you to try to feel connected to people. It's all right. But that's not what I'm recommending. I'm recommending be honest. You don't feel connected. Be honest that you don't feel supported. And study that situation. I'm not supported, I'm not supported. And you will see. You will see that you are. And when you see that you are, then you can say, hey, sweetheart, here's a boundary.

[97:57]

Yeah. here's a shield, here's a line. When I got married, my wife said, no hitting. I'd never hit her, but she said, for some reason, no hitting. Later I realized why she said that. And then she said, if you hit me, I'm out of here. She said that 33 years ago. If you hit me, no more me, I'm out of your life. I may still love you, but I won't be here anymore. You can draw lines out of compassion and follow through on those lines out of compassion. It is possible. And if you haven't yet realized compassion, setting up boundaries often will help you find it.

[99:03]

Because when you set the boundaries up, you'll be aware of your delusion. And if you're aware of delusion, you can study it more. And if you study it, you will get over your delusion and you will feel compassion for everyone. That's the proposal. And you can do whatever you want in the meantime, like try to feel connected to people and stuff like that. I have no problem with listening to the teaching. Everyone is your close friend. Everyone is your close friend. Okay, I hear that. And now look and see if you feel that way. And if you don't, fine, study that. Study. I don't think I'm close friends with everybody. Okay. Okay. Again and again, look at the pattern of not being close to everybody. That's your action. That's your action. I'm close to this person, but not to that person. I'm quite close to this person, a little bit... Study that, study that, and you will realize that the distance between you and people is actually a connection.

[100:05]

What about... I mean, I'm beginning to suspect there are moments that I feel sort of overwhelmed, or as if I can't sort of get distance or something like that, or I'm... a story that I can't protect myself or say, you know, stop. Yeah, okay, so you see that, and that's a... And that's scary. That's an action that has scariness in it, yeah, okay. That's fine, study that. And again, it's good to be, like, relaxed and buoyant when you see these scary, overwhelming situations. You feel like, this is scary, but I think maybe I can ride this one. Wow, this is, like, scary. Wow, jeez. So that's why we need to be tranquil so we can enter these scary fields, these scary fields of relationship, which is the monk. That's your action right now. To enter each one, you need to be in good shape to enter some of your minds.

[101:15]

Otherwise, you just sort of tense up and freak out and go someplace else, right? We need to find our place right where we are, right in the middle of the intense activity that is right there now, which can seem overwhelming. The huge wave, you know, whoa! It's got to be really relaxed to be ready for this one. Don't expect yourself to deal with these things without, you know, softening yourself up so that you can tumble around. OK? If you want to talk, you've got to come up here. I'm giving up the long distance communications. And you can come up ahead of schedule, too, if you want to wait in line here. Thank you.

[102:23]

I'm struggling really with if you're really, really angry about being deluded and being told that you're deluded and the amount of work that you've got to do to become aware of how deluded you are and all you are is really angry, how are you ever going to do anything? Well, if you're just angry, maybe you should practice tranquility for a while. because it's hard to look at what you're doing if you're angry. If you're calm then you might be able to look at what you're doing even while you're angry but you may have to practice more tranquility if you're angry because it's hard to study. Yes, but if you're really angry and you are basically saying I have no faith. I have no faith, and I confess my inability to practice, and I'm not going to either, because I haven't got any faith anyway.

[103:29]

Yes. Because you're kind of raving, how can you practice tranquility? You can't. No. No. But usually at that time, people often recommend practicing loving-kindness at that time. Uh-huh. Which is a warm-up, maybe warm you up to practicing tranquility. It is a tranquility practice in itself, but that's usually what's recommended is loving-kindness at that time. So I should be on a loving kindness. Pardon? I should be on a loving kindness weekend, really. Instead of here. I could go home. Sorry. You can definitely go home. Yeah, I could. Okay, thank you. Into the wrong retreat. Yeah. Sorry. Yes? Yes? Who gets here first? I'm not tranquil.

[104:34]

You're not tranquil? No. Okay. I have a feeling often that we are in a very artificial situation, in the sense that when I hear you that the U.S. has no empire, maybe here, but if you go to Iraq and say that, maybe you cannot say it. And then when we have to be compassionate to George Bush or Jacques Chirac or whatever, I think here it's pretty easy. But again, if you go to Iraq, I think it will be, and it will be to the people to say not to us because for us it's pretty easy. So that sometimes I have a kind of feeling that we are pretty much, not for everything, but we are disconnected with what's going on. That's what I have to say.

[105:36]

Okay. So when I say, study that feeling of disconnection. Okay, I will try. What I'm noticing is a repeated kind of... People can't hear you talk so quietly. I'm noticing a repeat... Did you hold this up to your mouth? I'm noticing a repeated kind of mantra in my head saying, I don't get it, I don't get it, how to study intention. And I'm starting to think that that's actually my intention. Yeah, your intention. That's your intention. I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it. When you say that, that's your intention. I don't get it. I do not get it. That's a pattern of relationship.

[106:37]

That's a kind of action. And it counts. It has consequences. If you say, I don't get it, it has consequences. If you say, I do get it, it has consequences. No matter what the pattern is, it has consequences. So you found it. That's good. You found it. You just successfully noticed your intention. which in the form of I can't, I don't understand how to find my intention. Like that story in one of the Carlos Castaneda books. Do you ever read those? Carlos Castaneda, Don Juan. In the first book, Don Juan tells him to find his place. And he spends a whole night trying to find his place and doesn't find it. The next morning he goes to see Don Juan. Don Juan says, did you find your place? And he said, Nope. He said, where did you go to sleep? And he said, behind that rock. That's your place. He didn't think he found it, but he did. And in your unsuccessful attempt to find your place, you found it.

[107:41]

Called, I can't find my place. This is your place. I can't find my intention. That's your intention. That's the pattern of your consciousness. At least that's a foothold in it. It's a foothold. And the more you study that, the more you'll find that there's oceans of worlds connected to it. I'm sort of assuming, but I'm not sure, that it's because I don't want to find it. I don't want to. Not wanting to find it also could be part of the pattern. See, don't want to is part of the pattern of want to. What you don't want is part of what you do want. I want to be happy, so I don't want to be unhappy. So, I don't want to be unhappy, I do want to be happy is a less effective pattern than just, I want to be happy. So I say, well yeah, some people are lucky they have a nice simple pattern like, I want to be happy.

[108:44]

They don't have any, I don't want to be happy in there. Or I hate being unhappy. Or I'll kill anybody who makes me unhappy. is sometimes in the same field as I want to be happy. Or I want you to be happy and I'll murder anybody who bothers you. There's those kinds of patterns. Many kinds of patterns. And how do they all work out? That's what makes the unique pattern. Which pattern do you have? Check it out. We need you to check it out. So you're telling us about your pattern. You notice this. Now you're noticing that. You're noticing you want to be happy. You're noticing you want to be unhappy. You notice you want to notice your pattern. You notice you don't want to notice your pattern. You found that out. I didn't know that. You told me. Because you looked and you saw so you could tell. We're going to have to let that go and look for the next one. Exactly. Look at the next one. It's the current one. It's okay that you vowed to help all sentient beings.

[109:45]

It's okay that you did that in the past. It's okay. It's good, as a matter of fact. And the ceremony that we're going to do is people are going to make vows, and those vows will change those people forever. After they make those vows, they will be new people. But then they still have to look moment by moment at what their intention is. So I vowed to not praise self at the expense of others. Okay, great. That will always affect you that you said that. But then you notice, but now I am praising myself at the expense of others. That's what I'm actually doing. That's what I want to do right now. And I can't help but do it because I am better than others. That's just the way I see it. And it's true. But I did vow a couple of days ago to give that up. Okay. That's part of the pattern too. But currently, it's really strong that I do think I'm better than other people. Okay, now that's over. Now what's happening? And then you can say, oh, hey, I don't feel better than other people.

[110:49]

Wow. Now that's gone. And now I do again. Now that's gone. And then you get to see how the different patterns feel. Sometimes you feel lousy when you think you're better than other people. And you feel afraid when you think you're better than other people. And when you think other people are better than you, you feel afraid too. But when you don't feel that, you feel good. And you learn that. And when you learn that, you change. And you get more in the groove of feeling more together than above or below. But above and below are more familiar to us. Together is like... We've been ignoring that for a long time. It's there, sustaining us all the time, that together thing. We have to look at not being together a long time before we notice that together, that not being together is totally inundated by being together. And everybody supports us to feel separate from them. Everybody supports us to hate them.

[111:53]

Everybody supports us to think we're better than them. And someday you'll realize that. That every bad thing you did, everyone helped you do. And then there'd be no more bad things. Or good things. So please keep studying the present intention, the present intention, the present action, the present action, the present action, the present action. And if it's... And if what I notice is confusion or fear, that behind that there's an intention? She says, I notice confusion or fear, and behind that there's an intention. The intention includes, isn't behind the fear and the confusion. The fear and confusion are part of the intentions. Like if you intend to help people, but there's confusion and fear, then that's the type of intention to help people you have.

[113:00]

You have a fearful, confused intention to help people. It's not that the intention is separate. Everything's included in your intention. And the more you see that, the better. So if I have an intention to study the self, If you have the intention to study the self. And that's accompanied by resistance. Accompanied by resistance. Confusion. And fear and confusion. Yes, right. And a lot of people have that. That's all part of that intention. Yes. And so an intention to study the self accompanied by fear, confusion and resistance, you might say, well, that's a really, then it's really hard to study the self. So you can add that into it too. And it's hard to do this. But that's the pattern. And you can notice that. You can say, even though there's confusion, resistance, fear, there also is not only the intention to study the self, but it's actually happening. There is awareness here of this pattern. It's happening. Yoo-hoo!

[114:03]

It's happening. There's awareness of this pattern. And the more there's awareness, the less fear and confusion. But the point is, now there still is fear and confusion But if there's fear and confusion, Buddha would be observing and acknowledging that there's fear and confusion. So if Buddha would, how about you? In fact, you did acknowledge it. So you're just like Buddha would do if Buddha was in your clothes, in your body. I thought we were done, but things keep going on here. Yes? Could I say something before you speak? May I? She's new to doing retreats and she came to this retreat and before she came she was thinking of reading a book about Buddhism to find out what the retreat was about.

[115:12]

Is it okay if I tell them that? But anyway, somebody borrowed her book and didn't give it back to her. So she came without knowing what Buddhism was, but she came to the retreat anyway. And then she gets here and she finds out that what Buddhism is about is studying yourself, which is correct, of all things. And evidently it's what I wanted to do, so it's clever. And it's also quite interesting. I came here not really knowing anything about Buddhism, meditation or anything, but I seem to find myself here every day. I kind of hope Juliet doesn't mind me... saying this but i kind of feel like i felt or have felt juliet's fear and confusion for the past two days um do you want to ask her how she feels about it about you saying yeah do you mind me i'm not sure she's not sure she does i'm not sure

[116:27]

So be careful. She's not sure she wants you to talk about her. I couldn't talk about me. Yeah, talk about you, that's right. Study you. Juliet will take care of Juliet, and I'll take care of me. What are you finding out about yourself? I'm finding out that... that I'm connected with everybody and that my thoughts and my feelings arise out of my connection to everybody. And how that links in, well, for the two days I've been doing washing up And it's been suggested to me how I might do something or what I might do next.

[117:34]

And that kind of generated fear and anxiety in me because it made me feel like, Perhaps there was a sense that I didn't know what I was doing or that I was stupid in some way. And I have been reflecting on this. And I think it links in with experiences that I had as a child and the way... my mum would support me and that actually when I was a child growing up a lot of the time I felt like I was stupid and didn't know what I was doing and that this kind of pattern repeats itself when other people suggest ways that I might do things. And I think my initial reaction inside was maybe frustration and anger. And maybe I wanted to throw stones to protect myself.

[118:35]

But then I held off from that and thought about it more. And then... And then kind of decided that that probably wasn't a good idea. And that actually... That is the very nature of being connected. And that... I think I lost myself, but... You lost yourself? I think so. Oh, good. That's what happens. Yeah. Start studying yourself and you'll be very good to go. I don't know. So I suppose what I learned... was that one of my intentions and one of my patterns of my relationships with others is to avoid feeling anxious and feeling fearful and that what I would do in the past is to not really throw stones but actually get a bazooka out and really go at that person in order to prevent myself from feeling that way.

[119:54]

But now that I can see that there's a sort of connectedness there, I don't feel like it's necessary to do that and that it's actually just okay to feel that way. Very good. I think that's it. Thank you for learning about yourself.

[121:00]

Thank you for settling down. I'm deeply touched how settled you are and that you're continuing your effort to settle and be where you are and investigate and learn about who you are and how you are. I'm very happy to practice with you. No one asked me to sing.

[122:14]

Do you want to sing? I'm tempted to sing. Please would you sing? What did you say? Please would you sing? I thought you'd never ask. I skipped two days together that day. Is it all right with you if I sing? I didn't hear you. Oh, okay. Actually, you... Sorry, can you make sure it goes into the microphone? I would invite you actually to go like this, if it gets too intolerable in the middle. I'll stop.

[123:17]

Is it a long stop? No, it's not too long. It goes like... Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak. And I seem to find the happiness I seek when we sit together learning cheek to cheek. Heaven, I'm in heaven, and the cares that bothered me throughout the week seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak when we sit together learning cheek to cheek.

[124:19]

Now, there's more to it, but I don't know it, so that makes it shorter. I should be dancing, it's true. I should be dancing. But I'm not dancing in the usual way. May our intention equally extend to every being and place with the true merit of Buddha's way.

[125:19]

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