I wrote a little description of some of the things we would consider in this class, and it's just a paragraph, but it actually is quite a bit to work on, namely how Buddhist precepts help us to create and maintain relationships which are conducive to awakening and liberation. And part of that, we will explore how to find the balance between self-assertion and recognizing the other in relationships between student and teacher, parents and children, in couples and between friends. This balance between self-assertion

[01:00]

And recognizing others involves honesty, flexibility, vulnerability, courage. And I thought today it also involves compassion, sympathy, gentleness. Of course, all this gives rise to a balanced state. So we start our class each week, sitting upright, trying to be balanced, balancing the body in relationship to all the conditions of having a body, in the midst of all those conditions, in relationship to the earth and the gravity of the earth and all the other people in the room. find what is balanced, what is a balanced physical presence, having a body in the midst of other bodies, physical start to this study of balanced relationships.

[02:14]

So right off, it seems to me that one of the characteristics of a liberating relationship is balance. And balance, of course, includes, separable from, imbalance. Part of what comes to my mind now as what we need in a liberating, enlightening relationship, or a liberated and enlightened relationship, is we need balance and stability And we also need imbalance. Now, I think most people figure they have enough imbalance, probably do. But in working on balance, we shouldn't be rigid about what balance is and be closed to imbalance, because that's just foolish that you can't really have one without the other.

[03:28]

And in developing composure and stability, we shouldn't close off disturbance and instability, I say. In a relationship, in an enlightening and liberating relationship, part of what might be involved is that people in the relationship is enlightened and liberated. Does that make any sense? If the relationship is going to be enlightening and liberating, then the enlightenment of one of them would have something to do with the enlightenment and liberation of the other. So a liberating relationship would not be just to liberate one of them, although sometimes it seems like that happens.

[04:31]

And it can, in a way, seem that way. Two people get together and they interact and one of them becomes enlightened in the midst of the relationship and the other one doesn't seem to. Stories can be seen or told. I think it can look that way. But another way to see the story is that the... The one who seems not to be liberated or awakened, with whom the other is liberated and awakened, actually participate in the liberation and awakening too. The basic ideas or teachings that I offer you is that Take one person, of course this person cannot be, have a relationship all by herself.

[05:33]

But still, for that person, what the enlightenment of that person is, is one of the issues. So what is the, if you have a person, a living person, Before we talk about the relationship of that person to other persons, when I say before we talk about it, I don't mean before it's there, okay? You have a person. I'm not saying this person doesn't have relationships. I'm just saying we're not talking about the relationships yet. But you have a person. What is it about a person that is awakening, that is being awake and enlightened? What is it about that? They're responsive. They're responsive. In other words, a person is responsive. So you feel that a person being responsive is what it is about the person that's their awakening.

[06:42]

So one of the characteristics of persons is that they're responsive. Consciousness, people are conscious, so consciousness would be one of the things about a person that would be, have something to do with their being awake. Passion. That would be something to do with it. Perhaps... They're considering themselves just themselves. Pardon? They're not considering just themselves. They're not thinking... Not thinking of just me. Uh-huh. You could feel that a person could be not considering just themselves. In other words, they could be considering someone else. Or they could be considering many others. This is the way a person could be. Do you understand?

[07:53]

A person could be that way, right? How about a person not considering anybody else but herself? Could they be that way? And also... And could they be not compassionate and also be? Could they be unresponsive and also be? Hmm? People are saying no. Also be awake? Hmm? Also be awake? Well, you see, again, the language is starting to turn into that the person is awake. Got the person, and the person is awake. I think I might have put it more like, what is it for a person to be awake? What is being awake for a person, rather than the person is awake? Alive, yeah, that's one of the things. Healthy, yeah. And what is, huh? Present, huh? Vulnerable, huh?

[08:56]

They notice when they're not awake. Notice when they're awake and try to get awake again? Yeah. What about also not noticing that they're awake and not trying to get awake again? So here's what I propose to you for starters, which includes, I think, everything you just said, and that is that for a person, a living person, the condition of being how they are That is precisely what is being awake. They're awake to whatever experience is being lived at. Again, you see how the language is? They are awake to the experience. Okay? And awake, a person... in the state of awake, a person in the midst of being awake might be awake, aware of or awake to whatever experience they're having, okay? But I said something a little different. I said the person, the condition of that person is the awakeness, which would include the person being asleep.

[10:07]

I don't mean being asleep as being awake. means that when you're asleep, the condition of being asleep, that is awakening. Not the sleep, but the fact that the sleep is the sleep. Because, in fact, sleep is sleep. Not like... I'm proposing to you that being awake is not like being somebody other than who you are right now. It's not you being aware of something that you're not aware of right now. It's something about the way you actually are. It's the way you actually are that's being awake. The way you actually are is whatever stories you tell about yourself. And because the way you are is whatever stories you tell about yourself, that includes that you're not that way.

[11:13]

It's just a story about how you are, like you're aware, you're aware of something or you're thinking of other people, you care about other people or you don't care about other people. You are not, in fact, caring about other people or not caring about other people, you are a living creature that's thinking about caring about other people or thinking about not caring about other people. You are a person who thinks she's this person and not that person. The way you actually are is not the way you think you are. The way you actually are is awake. The way you actually are doesn't exclude who you think you are right now.

[12:19]

If you think you're swell or a jerk, it's not like that's not happening. It's just that that's just a story or a thought you have. That's a story or a thought that a living being has about herself or himself right now. That's not your actual condition. It's just a small aspect of it. What you actually are is Buddha. What you actually are is not encapsulated or caught by your thinking process. What you actually are is a way that liberates you from your limitations. To realize the way we actually are, which is not limited, we have to work with the way we are limited.

[13:26]

And we can do that with or without someone else nearby, but relationships help us experience limitation. the Buddha's precepts help us experience our limitation and help us fully experience our limitation. And when we fully experience our limitation, it opens the door to who we actually are. Or when we fully experience our small, non-actual self, opens the door to our actual self, which is not limited, which is simply, it's not like another self. Our actual self is not like another better self. Our actual self, our actual condition is this thing called being awake.

[14:34]

What we are actually is being awake. We are actually Buddha, but Buddha is not like a person. Buddha is reality. The actual condition of each of us is, in fact, an awakened reality, an liberated reality, or a reality of being free. We have to be this limited free. sometimes called awake, sometimes called a sleep person, in order to realize what I've just been saying to you. We can't be fully limited without relationships with other limited beings. And really, I don't think we can really be fully limited without being in relationship to other beings who are fully limited. Fully limited means that you express yourself completely and fully to the limits of your limits.

[15:45]

You express yourself right out to the limits of who you are. Well, it might be better if you can remember your question to wait a little bit longer and then I'll open it up. Maybe a few more minutes. So, this is a... This is a different way of talking, and I've said this before to some of you, and some of you have asked me questions before. So what I'm proposing is that the key element in realizing this awakeness of the person, to realize the awakeness of a living creature, the living creature has to express herself fully. That full expression cannot be realized except by having others in relationship because full expression can only be realized with some resistance or interaction.

[16:49]

Interaction is not just like you try to express yourself and knock everybody down. It's actually that you fully express yourself and reach a state of peacefulness and kindness and harmony with other beings. Well, again, sometimes if I talk about full self-expression, people think, well, that means you can just do whatever you want. Well, part of finding full self-expression is that you maybe do some things you want, and then you find out that there's problems in doing what you want. But by doing what you want and finding out the problems, that's part of what it takes to find full self-expression. Full self-expression cannot be realized without any problems. So these precepts, the Bodhisattva precepts, and I'll try to bring you a nice little list of them next week, are things like not killing.

[17:54]

So, for example, I'm proposing that Not killing is a limit. Express yourself fully to that limit. Realize your full self-expression. Realize a fuller self-expression by not killing than by killing. And we can talk about that more. Reach a fuller self-expression in a relationship than by yourself. Just, well, before I forget, I just want to give you some homework assignment. So homework assignment is homework assignment in self-expression and also in the precept of not killing.

[18:57]

And I'd like you to look at and see if you can see how not killing is a fuller expression of yourself than killing. And again, for full self-expression, which I said also in the blurb for this course, I'd like you to look at how asserting yourself is a kind of self-expression. That's one side of self-expression is asserting yourself, self-assertion. But how another side of self-expression is listening and recognizing the other and see if you can find, you can experience how it's a fuller self-expression to not just assert yourself but to listen to others and vice versa. Some people feel quite a full self-expression by listening but don't assert themselves. And by the way, the word assertion, the etymological meaning of the root of assertion is to join or fasten to oneself.

[20:19]

To join or fasten to oneself, the word assertion. Well, assertion has meaning that you make a claim, you affirm something. And self-assertion is kind of redundant because assertion means to fasten to yourself, but self-assertion then means to fasten to yourself, to claim and affirm yourself of the work of being an awakened person, to be awake, part of the job there is to assert yourself, is to claim yourself, is to affirm yourself. Yourself, not somebody else do it. You do it. But another part of being completely the condition that you are and realizing your wakefulness through that is getting confirmation from the other.

[21:24]

But in order to get confirmation from the other, you have to listen to them and look at them to see if they're confirming you. And take their confirmation for granted. Some people just assert themselves to people and take the confirmation and affirmation of others for granted. People do not assert themselves and either do or do not take the affirmation of others for granted. But you can't get affirmed by others if you don't assert yourself because if they affirm you before you assert yourself, it doesn't count. Only your truly and accurately expressed self and fully expressed self can really be affirmed. Now, of course, a person can affirm you for partially expressing yourself.

[22:26]

They can say, well, that was sort of you. I'd like you to work on this, to assert yourself, to affirm yourself by yourself and in the face of others, and also look to see if they look, in other words, look at them. In other words, affirm them as somebody who's there who can see you. as somebody who can see you and has the wherewithal and the authority to recognize you. In other words, you recognize them as an authority, as an author of recognition of you. See if you can do both of those things. Somehow balance between asserting yourself and getting... recognition and asserting yourself and looking at the other and recognizing them so that they can do their job of recognizing you and you can see if they're recognizing you by your recognition of them.

[23:30]

By your appreciation of them, you can see whether they appreciate you. Try this with not killing. Not killing into this. You know, assertion means to declare with assurance. Self-assurance, self-assertion, to declare yourself with assurance. Can you do that? Can you learn to declare yourself with assurance? Strongly, plainly declare yourself. moment by moment issue by issue declare yourself declare yourself strongly and it's interesting there's an absolute meaning of the word assertion which means to set free protect again we I think part of our self, part of our habit is to think that to declare yourself is not to protect yourself.

[24:39]

In other words, this obsolete meaning of assertion or assert is to protect yourself or set yourself free or to set something free. And I think we actually feel like if we declare ourselves strongly and plainly, that's not the same as protecting ourself. That's why that's an obsolete meaning. I think, you know, in the old days, Part of our history as human creatures is that we have not felt that we get rewarded socially for clearly and strongly claiming ourselves, proclaiming ourselves, declaring ourselves. We don't feel that that protects us. We don't feel that that sets us free. But actually, I'm suggesting to you that that is part of what sets us free, is to declare ourselves clearly and strongly to ourself and to another face.

[25:40]

And particularly to another face that we respect, that we recognize, that we listen to. Now, that doesn't mean... I don't suggest you declare yourself to another face that you recognize that you think will hurt you, that you think there's a good chance that they're going to hurt you. Do it with someone that you think will probably not hurt you. In fact, you could ask them beforehand to not hurt you. Say, I would like to declare myself strongly and plainly to you. But I'm afraid that if I do that, I won't be protecting myself. What I want to do is get myself out here so that I can assert myself and you can recognize it and I can look at you and help you do the same. But I don't want you to hurt me in the process because not only I don't want to get hurt, but I don't want to like retire this process of asserting myself and expressing myself.

[26:50]

I want to get better at this. So try to find someone who will say, okay, I will do my best not to hurt you when you express yourself. They might say to you, someone might say to you, but can I hurt you if you don't express yourself? If you lie and fake it, can I hurt you then? And you might say, okay, no problem, because that's not me. But you might say, no, no, don't even hurt me then. Don't even hurt me if I fail to express myself. But particularly, don't hurt me if I express myself. Not for a while. I have to learn to express myself and assert myself to you. And you also be clear whether you do or do not want them to do the same back to you. You might actually say, and I don't want you to assert yourself to me right now because I want to work on it for a little while myself, but eventually I'll let you do it.

[28:00]

And they might say, well, how long is this going to be? And you may say, well, how about five minutes or seven five-minute conversations? Make it clear, because a person won't necessarily put up with this for so long. Because somebody who you would really like to listen to you and look at you, someone who you really would like to express yourself to, partly because maybe it's hard to express yourself to them, and it would really be helpful if you could, that person may not want to go very long without you recognizing them. Who they are. And they may be able to tell you that. And I think it's healthy for you to go on a real long time on this one side of the story. Which is good, I think, since that doesn't let you go too long. that they have some limit because in fact that's part of reality is that other person the other person if it's a wake relationship they don't they don't want to go too long with one person doing the asserting and the other person doing the recognizing they don't want to go too long but as a remedial situation we can go like up to maybe five minutes or something like that really it should only be for a flash of a second

[29:18]

Ideally, it should get to the point where you just express yourself fully, very quickly, very fully in a moment, and then take care of the other. But you can't just take care of the other, because selflessness does not mean just to take care of the other. It means also to express yourself. It doesn't mean that it isn't really taking care of yourself exactly, although it does take care of you. It's more like expressing yourself. That sets you free. But once again, I can't set myself free from myself if I don't express myself to somebody else. Can't fully express myself without somebody else being there. So now I think that's enough maybe for now. Do you still have a question? Don't you realize yourself without expressing yourself?

[30:21]

Can you imagine how you could be free of yourself without expressing yourself? Can you imagine that? I think so. I think in infancy that children cry for a while anyway. They cry freely. They do not cry with concern for what people are going to think of them for a little while anyway. And some children, when they cry and express themselves with their cry, they get a response. They notice a response. And they notice and they start to notice whether they're getting the response or some response. And the person they're looking at is very important to them. And that person that they're looking at who's very important to them often feels recognized as a very important person.

[31:26]

Keeps them interested and responding. There is a mutual recognition there. I'm telling you something really important about me and it's really important to me and I mean, you're really important to me, and it's really important to me that you, who is important, is noticing what I'm saying. I don't know how to talk yet, but I am expressing myself, and it's very important to me that you respond. The child doesn't necessarily know what kind of response they want, actually. They don't know what their problem is, whether it's, they don't know if it's diaper rash or hunger or just fear of losing this other being. They don't know what it is. All they know is that they're expressing themselves. The other person doesn't necessarily know either what they're supposed to do, so they're just like expression and try to meet, expression and try to meet, expression and try to meet. Things start getting narrowed down and routinized and habitualized.

[32:32]

But the beginning there, it's pretty good. But it's hard, it's very hard for both parties, and particularly hard for the one who's caring, the more adult person, is anxious usually of the future and afraid of what's going to happen. And this is part of why that person oftentimes does not realize his or her enlightened nature in the relationship because They aren't realizing their full self-expression in the situation because they don't feel like they're fully expressing themselves. It's hard. It's hard for a parent to fully express herself to the child. There's all kinds of fears of what that would be like, like if you tell the child you hate them or whatever. You feel worried about what would happen if you fully expressed yourself.

[33:34]

Even though they're a child, their opinion of you and their opinion of your caregiving is extremely important to you. It's hard. It's very hard to find this place of what it would mean to fully express yourself in the face of this little being that you're trying to take care of. This is an example of how could you wake up as a mother, as a father of a little baby, how could you wake up and be free other than meeting the reality of the situation of this crying being or of this blissful being who's totally blissed out. They're sending you a message then too. How do you meet their bliss? In such a way that you're awake and liberated in this interaction with a blissful being Parents feel like they miss those moments, too. They can't meet the radiance and bliss of the child, and they miss that, too.

[34:39]

That requires, you can't just sit back there and just sit back and not realize that when you look at that happy child, you're not expressing yourself. A lot of people do. When the child's blissful or when the child's tormented, they do the recognizing. They don't expect the child to recognize them back, but the child does recognize them. In the enlightened relationship, the child is recognizing the one who they're screaming at or the one that they're gurgling at. The child is recognizing, but it's hard for the adult. To experience when they're putting so much energy into looking at this very happy child or very sick child, it's hard for them to realize that they're expressing themselves fully by that. Therefore, the relationship doesn't manifest the enlightenment, the awakening and the freedom in that intensity, which is the intensity of actuality.

[35:43]

Many mothers and fathers are alone in that relationship without, you know, a meditation master right nearby encouraging them to express themselves to the child. And so the child also learns to hold back and so on. And things get, you know, opportunity after opportunity is missed. So these precepts And this kind of balancing, this uprightness in the relationship of where you don't just listen to the crying child and ignore or revel in the happy child and kind of don't pay attention to the child who's neither particularly blissful and radiant nor agonizing. The balanced relationship with that child is your, you know, is your full expression. But it's hard to be that present with the child or with an adult or with anybody or anything.

[36:56]

We hold back from what we are, how we are at that moment, then we're trapped in this partial version of ourselves which we always carry with us. We're never without. We have no experiences where we are bereft of a pint-sized version of our life. We always have that. We always have some little story about what's going on. And that's how we make our life, our spiritual life, into a thing. We can always make our spiritual life into a thing. We've always got a story handy to make it into a thing. How do we wake up to that we've made it a thing? by admitting how we made it a thing. We could be released from our thing-izing of our relationships. And if you think you're making it into a thing, then in some sense you'd say, well, I don't need a relationship because I already know I'm screwing things up. And maybe so.

[38:02]

But you don't know exactly how in all the ways that someone else could help you see that. And if you thought you weren't thingizing and pint-sizing your life, if you thought you weren't, then another person might help you see how you are, namely how you're pint-sizing them. They might tell you how they're not what you see them as. And even if they don't say it directly, they act that way because they don't act the way you want them to. Sometimes. or sometimes they do act the way you want them to and then you realize that this might not continue and so on. And so then you realize too, oh, I'm trying to have it be this way rather than awakeness. What's your name again? Trina. I really like what you're saying a lot. My challenge is always

[39:04]

I kind of wanted to practice this path, but feeling like the people who I have dealt with are specifically of communication and validation of each other's feelings, and so that's really at the core of our differences sometimes, who are not familiar with these skills or these concepts and so forth. And frankly, when I do kind of screw up my courage and take the plunge and try to have this type that you're describing, I feel that others who often get defensive and reactive and judgmental and thoughts, they'll disrupt. And, you know, I think most people just have not been to this kind of class as I've described. Right. Did you hear her? Okay, so one of my friends... recently and he strongly recommended me to hang out with people like that.

[40:07]

He's afraid that I'm hanging out with people that are too receptive to practice. And so I'm afraid of what I'm going to say might sound glib, but I'm, hey, I'm a glib guy. And we'll see how you deal with that, you know. I'll watch you carefully. So if you're going to express yourself fully to somebody who is not interested in you expressing yourself fully, it is possible that somebody, that might be who somebody is, is that they do not want you to express yourself fully. There are such people. where they're at at a given moment, is that they don't want you to express yourself fully. Sometimes people who are generally into trying to really express themselves and assert themselves and at the same time help others do the same and through that find enlightening relationships, sometimes these people have headaches.

[41:15]

At that time, they don't want anybody to express themselves. They just want to have a nap. They do not want to have a conversation. They've had enough conversations. And they don't want to hear anything from anybody now. That happens sometimes. They're on the verge of blowing up at the next person who really impacts them in any way. What they need is somebody to come up to them and be very, very gentle and tender. It's not time for... a nice, tall, strong woman to come up and assert herself. It's not the time for them. Even though it is true that you're in the mood for self-assertion and you would like this person and you'd like to do it with this person. That's what you'd like. But if they don't want to dance, it doesn't mean it's not going to happen. It means that at this occasion, you being a person who is ready to do this, at the same time,

[42:19]

is at least a little bit aware of who it is over there that you want to recognize you, you notice they're not ready. I do want to express myself, but what I'm going to express now is that I'm not... The way I'm going to express myself fully is I'm not going to talk to them with a certain kind of energy because they're not up for it. And if I do... express myself to them when they're not up for it, I will notice what they do. They get irritable or defensive. And I might do that unwittingly, not really realizing that they aren't up for it, but find out that they are not up for it. And that's part of what I learned at that time I learned this is part of what it takes for me to fully express myself is that I'm a person who can express himself but I'm also a person who can notice how you are and find out how you are and see if you're up for me right now so I do quite a bit of checking with people to see if they're up for me sometimes they say no but sometimes when I check

[43:31]

Even if they might not have been before I checked, when I check they sometimes say, okay. Not always do they say okay. And especially if they're in a position where a lot of people are coming and asking for their recognition, like a boss. It's maybe like a lot of people are asking for the boss's recognition or affirmation of their expressions. And they may just reach their limit of how much they can take in now. And they maybe need to express themselves for a while, like, I'm tired or whatever. So these people who seem to be even, like, what do you call it, generally speaking, not into this, they are part of how we learn to do this. But it may be that the way you learn to do it with them is to not do it much. That's the way they serve you at that time. But sometimes I think we maybe, what do you call it, sell them short.

[44:32]

I think it's good to ask them sometimes. You may be surprised if you ask. Some of these people who you think basically are not of this persuasion, Even though they're not of the persuasion, they still might be willing to do it sometimes. But just not generally. They don't want to generally sign up for it. But on some occasions, they might do it. A committed person still always has to go back and forth. To find this balanced place, it's still extremely challenging to find the balanced place and find the balanced place and give it up and find the balanced place and give it up and find the balanced place and give it up and find... You can't hold it. You know, you can't abrogate the balance to yourself because it's in a relationship and it's changing constantly. So some people are more up for it than others, but you can find this fullness of the reality of yourself in all kinds of relationships.

[45:38]

I wanted to ask you a little bit more about fuller self-expression by not killing. Okay. On the face of it, it seems so elementary, you know, vow shall not kill. Okay, any cases of where killing comes up for you in your daily life? Okay. Are there any? You want to give us an example? Yeah, it would be perhaps what I eat. Yeah. or if a bug landed on me, then I'd have to gently take it away or something like that. Right. So, which is a fuller self-expression? An insect lands on, a mosquito lands on your hand, which is a fuller self-expression? To kill it? To squash it like that? Or to find some way to remove it without killing it? Which is a fuller self-expression? You could say, well, If I'm angry, I think it's a fuller self-expression of anger to, like, kill the mosquito. But is it really?

[46:44]

If you're angry at the mosquito, is it really a fuller self-expression to squash the mosquito or to not indulge in the anger, but still, while you feel the anger for the bug, to move it off gently? Which more fully appreciates the anger? Check it out. Which takes, you know, more of you The impulse to just kill it in anger, or kill it not in anger, just kill it in self-defense, that impulse, that's part of what you've got there. But you've already got that impulse, right? That's a pretty basic thing. It's pretty basic to primates to squash bugs. As opposed to other animals, they're pretty basic to eat them. Like a bird wouldn't squash the bug, it would eat it. But we haven't been eating bugs, small bugs, for a long time, so we're more like interested in squashing them. So this is a very basic thing, which most of us are not lacking, that ability, that intention, that impulse.

[47:47]

So you got that. That's part of you. But that's not all there is to you. Another part of you is somebody who has some compassion. That's another part of us. That's part of what we are as animals is to have something called compassion. to restrain killing in some cases for some reason or other. So if you feel the impulse to kill the bug, you've already got that down. If you just kill the bug, You don't enhance the impulse to kill the bug that much. It isn't like, okay, I feel the impulse to kill the bug, and now I kill the bug, and that makes this big difference in my life. Maybe for some people it does, but for a lot of people, it's not that much difference whether you kill it or don't kill it. The big difference is whether it moves off your arm or not, especially if you're very sensitive to mosquito bites. That might be a big difference. So to move it off or to protect yourself, that's another dimension. So first of all is the killing dimension. The other is the protecting dimension. So if you would like have the killing impulse, that's also part of you.

[48:53]

You got the killer. Part of us is killer. Don't forget that part. People who don't have that killer thing are not really... They're not really... Honest. You know, that's why I sometimes feel sorry for people who don't have that killer thing. Because it's kind of like they got it pushed down too far. So the feeling to kill an insect, it's good that you notice it. So if you notice it already, you've got the killer thing, got the primate killer thing, got the primate predator thing. Defender thing, but also you got the primate awareness. So you're aware too. So that's even more of you then to also not kill it Not so much to be a nice guy Although you could include that too. I think I'll be I'll do I'll do a good deed today. I won't kill the bug That's another thing the primate thing of like Self-aggrandizement, I'm a nice guy.

[49:56]

That's another part of you. Here I am, I got the killer thing, I got the protection thing, and also I got the like, I'm gonna be a nice person thing. Got that going too. Okay, you're adding up now the things you are. And also I'm aware. I'm kind of aware, I'm kind of, I'm a meditator. What else can you get going there? So I'm not doing this just to be a nice guy. I'm doing this to be fully myself. And I'm not doing this fully to be myself just to fully be myself. I'm doing this fully to be myself to be free. To be free from bugs and nut bugs. To be free of my soon-to-come death. This insect landing on me is not just landing on me and threatening my skin. It's giving me an opportunity to realize freedom from suffering. by the way I relate to it, I could actually realize Buddhahood in this relationship if I play my cards right.

[51:00]

And this Buddhahood is not just for me, it's also for the insect, and it's also for everybody else. There's a great intensity that starts to develop when you see the opportunities of your relationship to an animal that you're about to kill. An animal, it's kind of a big deal, actually. Can you believe it's a big deal for an insect for you to kill it? That's the end of its life. It's like the major thing for the insect you have just done. The biggest event in its life you have just had. You just had this very important relationship with it. So you say, well, gee, that's pretty intense. That's more intense than just letting it live a little longer. So maybe I'll do that then. Maybe I'll kill it just to sort of be there at that time. Well, that's part of what's going on here for us. And that's part of why we like to kill. Part of why we like to kill is because we have been killed. Part of our body carries the history of us being killed.

[52:06]

And part of what we like about killing is we like to kill instead of being killed. It's part of our thing. There's something about us that likes to kill rather than be killed. But to forego that and feel that part of our nature is brighter and more energetic, I think. That's my opinion. You check it out. You see which is most lively. I'm not saying kill to see how lively that is, but if you do kill, which I'm recommending not doing, partly not just to protect insects, but just so you can realize what awakening is. If you do kill, though, check and see how cool it really is and see if you really think that's more neater than not killing. I really think not killing takes more intelligence, more vitality, more awareness, more of a lot of what a living being is than just killing. And the killing thing, except for killing, now killing something really big is different.

[53:11]

Like to kill a tiger, I almost would recommend that, barehanded. That would be okay, I think. Try to kill a tiger. You see, because there, you see, you're not going to kill the tiger. That's not going to happen. But the impulse, there you can really work on your impulse, and the impulse won't be fulfilled. You see? But to feel the impulse in its fulfillment, in its fullness with the tiger, like, I really want to kill this tiger. It won't kill the tiger, but in the attempt to fulfill the impulse and to see it, you probably will become awake. And the tiger may not kill you. I don't know. The tiger may say, God, this person is fabulous. I mean... Here they got this little tiny pipsqueak, you know, this 120-pound thing, you know, coming at this 400-pound me, and this is really sweet. Who knows what the tiger will do if you're doing it for the purpose of full self-expression.

[54:15]

And, of course, you say, I'm choosing you as somebody who's not in my weight class because I won't hurt you. I'm choosing you as somebody who I think you will recognize me because, you know, I see you are recognizing me. You are recognizing me. You're interacting with me. You notice that I'm here and you're showing me your interest by what you're doing to me. I feel recognized and appreciated and tasted and touched and smelled and seen and heard And I'm all these things. I'm making sounds. I'm a color. I'm a smell. I'm all these things to you. I see you notice it, and I noticed you. And I had this impulse to kill you, and I fully expressed it, and I'm free. You would be free at that time. Unfortunately, you wouldn't be around to share your freedom with the rest of us, but that doesn't matter.

[55:16]

later you come back and do it another way but that's that's the situation where you could like express it a little bit work it out but not with some little fly because the impulse there you know is so you're so big and strong that the impulse doesn't you know there's no way for it to be resisted it's in the resistance that you that that the impulse will enlighten you. Because when you have an impulse and you express it but it doesn't get realized, you learn the impulse. So any situation where you're going to kill, like if you're going to have a piece of ham, well, see, there you see you're not interacting with the pig. So it's too easy to participate with this thing that killed the pig. So all these things about eating and insects and other bugs around the house, like spiders and stuff, these are situations for you to get in there and see what's the impulse? What's the impulse?

[56:17]

What's the karma? What's the full expression there? And see if really you're using this opportunity to fully express yourself. So for me, it's much more of an effort and takes much more of myself not to kill the spider than to kill the spider. either to, what do you call it, deport the spider, or just leave it alone. It's a lot more effort than just to kill it. Now, if it's a really big spider, then it's different again, you know. Huge spiders, and it's easier to leave them alone. The thing is, you know, try to find what is the full self-expression of yourself in relationship to this other being. And in maybe subtler versions, of not killing are just contention in a conversation, nothing comes into play in that case of just pushing too hard and expressing yourself too hard. There would be a version where it doesn't actually seem to be leading to killing, but again, which is most interesting?

[57:24]

Some people don't, you know, the way they deal with not killing is they back away from it. In other words, they don't express themselves. in the conversation or whatever, they just back away from that. They back away from the spider rather than coming up and feeling the impulse and then not indulging in it. Or in the conversation, they back away from the conversation rather than feel the impulse to dominate or contend or argue or win. but to feel that impulse and express it, but not be carried away from it, carried away by it, but also not back away from it, not shrink from your impulse to win the argument, and not indulge in your impulse to win the argument, to find that balance. This is also about not killing. This contentiousness, pushing your energy on other beings, It can happen in a conversation. You could kill someone in a way, in a conversation, in an extreme case, but you could break a person's heart with your words if you push too hard.

[58:29]

So those are some examples. A lot of energy to give this kind of attention, but you can actually do this. So next week I'll bring you a list of the precepts, but work on this this week. See if you can do this. See if you can... practice this with people who aren't interested, generally speaking, but who you could actually ask if you could express yourself and tell them something on something. You don't have to say, can I generally speaking express myself fully to you, but could I tell you how I feel about this, or could I talk to you about that? Would you be up to hearing me about this? Would you be willing to listen to me about that? Listening, you know, asking somebody to listen to you, if they would be willing to listen to you, you're saying, will you recognize me? Will you affirm me? You know, without using any new age terms like affirm and so on, just say, will you listen to me? I'd like to talk to you. Are you willing to listen to me? Do you want to listen to me about something?

[59:32]

They say, yes, may I fully express myself about this? And they might say yes, but they might say no. So just keep working. But even that conversation of testing the water is a pretty good example of full self-expression because, in fact, who you are may be someone who, when you find out someone else doesn't want to listen to you, you may not want to talk. But who you are might be somebody who, when you ask them, ask somebody else if they want to listen to you and they say, no, I don't, you may, who you are may be someone who says, well, I hate you for not wanting to listen to me. That may be who you are. Even after you ask and they say no, you may go right ahead and not talk about what you were going to say but say something else quite different, like I hate you for saying, for not wanting to listen to me. I just hate you for that. I just feel totally discouraged by you not being willing to listen to me. That may be who you are to somebody. And they just may say, you know, I don't care.

[60:37]

Or they might say, oh, I'm sorry. Maybe, okay, I'll listen. Who knows what might happen? If you can fully express yourself, wonderful things can happen. and again sometimes the person saying no they don't want to hear you is just what you need to fully express yourself sometimes it's not what you need but if you don't try you're not going to find this nobody else is going to give you this thing you gotta do it but someone can meet you and help you but you gotta start I think so. Sort of. Even though I kind of started it. I think I'm going to have a short period of meditation now. Okay, ready? Sitting right now is this full self-expression.

[61:57]

Are you being recognized for this expression?

[62:03]

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