When we say I love to hear the tridharma, I think it's good if we don't expect to hear it from outside. Just now I heard the little dog sniffle outside the door. It's not that her sniffle is the chidam, but that when I see her inside, I can hear the chidam. So we have this expression that our family jewels

[01:01]

do not come in the front gate. What comes in the front gate is not our family jewels. The jewels are already in the house. Some of us hide the jewels in the cupboard, in the kitchen pantry. Some of us bury them under the floorboards. Some of them put them in a safe. Some of us put them out in the open, right up on the family altar for anybody to come inside the house and take. But our family jewels are in our house already. Family jewels. We love them so much we don't take them to the bank and put them in a safety deposit box to be alone in the cold and dark.

[02:14]

But still, we forget this and when we practice sometimes we're looking to get family jewels to bring them into the front gate. to get them from the teacher or the scripture. We already talked about the five pangolins. It's just a matter of taking care of them. And they're not something separate from our moment-to-moment practice. They're not something separate from pouring precious brown rice gruel into somebody's bowl, or receiving that in your own, and eating it with kumashya,

[03:36]

So, great ancestors had agapiness outside for the family jewels. Like I told you at the beginning of the practice video about the great ancestor, Tetsugikai Daisho, a very sincere practitioner. He loved him very much and trusted him with the care of Eiheiji. But he was a little bit looking outside the practice for the Buddha way. Grandmother mind is not looking outside our practice. but making every act a practice, caring for every action as though you were taking care of the most precious family treasure.

[04:53]

But he didn't get it until after he lost his teacher and sobered up. And I haven't told you this precious period much about another ancestor. He's not in our lineage, but still, he's a great one. His name is Shui Fung, which means snowy peak, because that's the name of the monastery where he was the abbot. straight boom, or in Japanese, seppu. A guy who really energetically tried to get the jewels into the front door.

[06:07]

He wore out nine zafus. I mean, like, you warm up. How many zafus have you warmed up? This thing lasts for quite a few seconds. And this wonderful person got to hang out with other wonderful people. For example, he got to meet Dungsan. And he was a tenzo for Dungsan. Dung Shan came into the kitchen, and he was washing the rice. And Dung Shan said, are you washing the rice out of the dirt, or are you washing the dirt out of the rice?

[07:12]

And Cherry Pong said, I'm washing them simultaneously. And Dung Shan said, then what are the monks going to eat? and straight-flung, tipped over the rice-pot. And Dongshan said, get out of here. Your affinity's not here. Go see Deshun. Imagine now, go see Darshan. This Darshan is another one of us. Famous, he's the 30-gloves guy. So he goes to see Darshan, and when he gets there, Darshan said, how did you get here?

[08:16]

And he said, I came through flying over the mountains to fly and give him a pass. And Darshan says, how will you return? He says, I'm going to go through Flying Gibbon Pass. Darshan said, do you know there's somebody who can come and go from flying given past? Do you know him? And Chet Vong says, I don't know him. He says, how come you don't know him? He said, because he doesn't have a face. And Darshan says, if he doesn't have a face.

[09:21]

So then he's traveling with none other than... Got to hang out with Yanto. Yanto was... another great being in China. He said, there's going to be a big shout. And Yantou and Dongshan and Xiaofeng, these people lived during real hard times with these. And when it was suppressed and they had to hide out, the monks were persecuted. And generally speaking, I was one lawlessness.

[10:29]

And so during that time, bandits were around Yanto's and all the ones that were hidden in the forest. And Yanto just kept sitting with the bandit treasures. And the bandit chief came in. to get the treasures, but wasn't happy with what he found. One of Zafu's dirt ripped over from washing rice. In his anger, he stabbed Yanto. Yanto received the stab calmly. And they say, you could hear the shot in a two-mile radius. Don't get me wrong, you'll have a real problem with this topic.

[11:37]

So Yung To and Trey Fung are traveling together and they're going over Tardis Mountain in the winter, and it's snowing, and they can't... So they stopped at an inn. Staying in the same room, he got in tow. He's sleeping all the time. Straight phone, wearing off his office. After a while, Sri Yantong yells at Yantong, Elder Brother! Elder Brother! Get up! Yantong says, What is it? He said, Stop sleeping. We're on pilgrimage. Great knowledge is our companion.

[12:47]

All you do is sleep. Yantong says, eat as much as you want, and go to sleep. All this sitting you're doing, you're just like a clay figure in a villager's hut. You're just going to stare at a man in the village. Shakyamuni says, touches, there is spiritual pain in here, I can't cheat myself by not being diligent. Nanto said, I always thought that someday you would build a little cottage up on top of a tall snowy peak and someday expound the great teachings.

[13:56]

And yet, you still talk. Chet Wong says, I'm really in pain. I'm really afraid. Young Tho says, OK. Tell me you understand. And what is correct, I'll confirm it. And what is incorrect, I'll correct it. Srila Prabhupada says, when I was visiting Yangguang, he was teaching about form and energy, and I had an injury. Namco says, for the next 30 years, do not talk about this again. What else? When I saw Dongshan's poem, when I was at Dongshan, I saw his poem about... Carefully avoid seeking outside for it's far from the self.

[15:18]

Now I travel alone and everywhere I meet him. He's exactly me. And I'm not him. Yantou said. You're like this, you're never going to get it. What else? So when I went to, after Dushan kicked me out, and I went to Dushan, I asked Dushan, ...understand the essence of the ancestors' teachings. And Darshan slapped me and said, what is it? At that time, it was like the bottom falling off of a bucket. Oh, my God. Haven't you heard it?

[16:28]

that the family jewels are not something that comes in through the front gate? Shedpon said, Then in the future, what should I do? And Yanto says, In the future. If you want to expound the great teaching, just let it come right out of your glist and flow all over heaven and earth. Your teaching together with mine. Finally, Chie Fong had unsurpassed Euclid perfected what he did.

[17:34]

Yes, I can express. Please come forward. So I've been thinking about my spiritual pain, and I've particularly been thinking about my spiritual pain as it relates to addiction. And it's something that I've talked to you about and I've talked to other people about in the community. And I wanted to talk to the wider community about my pain around my particular addiction. And I'm also, the second part of the, well, the question for me is, is this the ripening of karma, or is it the maturing of karma, or is it the progression of karma?

[19:16]

When you say is, by this. The realization of addiction and the realization of wanting to do something about it. I think the realization is part of the maturing of karma. But realizations are due to karma evolving and becoming more and more skillful. And one of the consequences of skillful karma, which isn't the maturing of it, because it's not done maturing necessarily, is by opportunity for realization. Many people, as you know, are enjoying things and they have effects. But if the thing is unskillful, if the behavior isn't skillful and the behavior isn't studied, that tends to cloud our vision and make it hard for us to see our mind and to see the addictive effects of our mind.

[20:21]

But as we study our mind, one of the consequences of study is to see There's no exactly maturing of karma. Maturing is kind of a technical term. It means it's a different type of thing than karma. It's a feeling. So what's the difference between ripening and maturing? Same. It's the same thing? Yeah. I was using ripening and maturing the same, but not all effects of actions. Maturing means when an action comes to terms, done, it's finished, like a... deposit certificate comes to maturity and that's it, it's over. That particular action, that particular investment is complete. Yeah, that's when it buried up.

[21:23]

There's no more maturing of that particular action done. So, I guess in the hope of burning up some kind of karmic hindrance, but I feel I wanted to talk about what I feel like is kind of like this monkey on my back as far as my hair and surround addiction. Okay. Can I do that? Yes. Yes. So I am a total sugar addict, and it's something that I have realized... For sure, over the past couple of years in Zen Center, being at Zen Center is an extremely wonderful place to explore my craving mind around sugar. And working in the kitchen with practice period has been an incredible experience because every day I'm faced, as I know all of you are, with sugar. And it's been a very supportive environment for me to be in, to be there, to be dealing with this.

[22:26]

I'm working on a really wonderful crew. And I have seen that some of my behavior around sugar is just really not helpful for me. And it keeps me, particularly for me, it keeps me separate. When Simon was speaking the other day about elbowing on his way to the samovar and the cookies and the pumpkin pie, which wasn't me, by the way, but I did know that, I noticed that the minute that pumpkin pie disappeared, the minute it disappeared, I was like, that was two, and that was only one. I wasn't eating for a little bit. But I had this whole realization that it could have been me. I could have been the person making that pumpkin pie. It happened to not be me in that moment. But I've certainly taken other food that was not offered. And so I'm hoping that by this part of myself that has, until this point, had an extraordinary amount of shame and embarrassment attached to it, that that

[23:29]

then it will lift from me. And my vow is to continue to explore this issue. And I'm hoping that with, by being transparent to 60-something people in this room, that I would feel your support and that this heavy burden that I feel separates me and keeps me somewhat isolated So that was what I wanted to say. And also, because this is very much what I'm studying right now, practice theory, I'm very much studying my addiction, my addictive mind, going towards addiction, choosing not to go towards it in the shape of sugar or food. Actually, sugar's my drug. But actually food in general can also be my drug of choice. So it's much wider than just the cookie. It actually expands to everything. So I don't know where I went with that, but I'm just hoping that I can lift it, that it will be a little bit less burden.

[24:38]

Is there any particular way you want us to, like, support you? Or, like, from afar, just be aware? Or, like, stop you if you're going to positions? No, don't do that. Don't intervene. Don't intervene. You're an addict, and you're a drug of choice. I'm very aware of exactly what I'm doing, and I will be very closely studying that action. So thank you for offering that. I think the support will simply come from just telling you all and knowing that that makes me accountable for my actions and really not wanting to take what is not offered in any way, shape or form. That's my intention. That's my back. Thank you. What is it?

[25:41]

Is it just your pain makes you feel separate? Or that you're dealing with this and nobody knows? No, actually, quite a lot of people know. So I don't feel isolated. I definitely don't feel isolated. I feel separate because the separation... behind knowing that I'm taking what's not given or I'm eating something that I know is not nurturing or nourishing for my body. So really, it's a separation also from myself. I mean, it's the spiritual being that we're talking about. That's what it feels like, that I'm somehow cutting myself off from myself by aggravating or going towards grasping, which right now I'm choosing to call an addiction. And it has great consequences. Not very positive ones at this point. Mental formations. We can be kind to yourself. I can be kind to Earth and myself when I'm not eating sugar.

[26:50]

But when I'm eating sugar, it very helps me to be kind to myself and it's wonderful when other people are kind to me. It really helps. I try and practice self-compassion and I fail all the time. The spiritual pain that causes you to seek comfort, too. I definitely think that the spiritual pain causes me to go towards substances that aren't so healthy for me, yes, absolutely. I feel like there's a void in me, and so now I think that. think is going to fill that void. And I now know, from the past couple of years studying this more and more, that that is not the case. Is that also a question? Can I take a question?

[27:56]

I'm not allowed to take questions. You sought help through organized formal Recovery program? Yeah, a little bit. I dipped into it. In my experience, you can't do it on your own. Absolutely, I agree. That's what I'm working on. I agree. Look, there's like 65 people now who are going to support me in figuring it out. Yes, I'm very aware of the help that I can get from other people who struggle with this. Right, and we just pool ourselves programmatically. We need that outside help. I'm happy to hear what you said. I'm happy it's not just because you're addressing something that is real for you, but because I could see you in a place where you can take the addictive part of you by the hand.

[29:14]

I have faith in you and please remember that. Thank you. There's actually one more part that I have a real shame around still, and that is that I'm really scared of fat people. Like, fat people really scare me. I feel like inside I am a fat person, and there's something about that that is extremely painful for me to realize around my judgments of other people who are probably dealing with exactly the same issue as me. So I'm also hoping to relieve that suffering that I have by what feels like a really unpleasant and harsh and unkind judgment. My whole body is reacting to what you just said because it really resonates also.

[30:21]

Yeah, just my relationship with Twitter, and my relationship with people that are overweight, and that's my fear of becoming an overweight person. Yeah, cognitive feels different, also. next just for clarity by watching it is that right you're not actually like taking measures like having less is that right is that what you're saying taking measures by having what what like you're not trying to add less sugar oh yeah i'm totally giving sugar away that's why i often if i receive sugar whoever comes first gets it i i give it away i keep receiving sugar The universe is sending me so much sugar, and I get completely intoxicated, which was what my original realization of this manifestation of this disease around sugar was that I get, got, continue to be completely intoxicated, and I cannot have it.

[31:42]

You're not taking it at all. No, which is often why I refuse goals. Thank you for asking that question. It's often why I refuse goals, because I know that certain things I should learn. So yeah, I'm trying very hard not to do sugar, and sometimes I fail. And that's where the kindness comes from. But it's very much my intention to not be. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. Somehow I'm very nervous.

[32:42]

I'm very nervous, but I'll try to speak up. First, I have a few reminders that came up earlier in the practice period, which I would like to bring out. And one was the discussion of using the wake-up stick, which I think we discussed. It hasn't happened yet, and I just wanted to remind you that we discussed that. You want to remind me? Is that all? Just want to remind you? Well, and I would also like to encourage you to use it. Oh, you said we'd go there and get it? Does anybody mind if I use it? One person's mind is. So, one person's mind is.

[33:51]

So, maybe... Is that it? Shop later? Is that okay? Did you think it was me or did somebody behind me? Somebody behind you. Is that okay? It's fine with me. I just didn't know. I know. I'm talking to somebody else. Is it okay if I didn't shop? Is that okay? Yeah. Let the shop help. I'll bring this up to the shop. Is there anybody else who wants to come to the show? I'm getting at work. Right? If you'd like to bother me in time. Yes? So what else? He discussed chanting. And there was a big whole discussion around that.

[34:52]

Yes. And it seemed like one of the conclusions is that we would have one day without chanting, which we did. But somehow I had the feeling that maybe there would be... something more would come of that discussion, and I don't know what it was. It wasn't precisely defined, but I had the feeling we did it one day. It happened to be a day that I was serving, so I didn't get to participate in it, but we did it. Discussion of how that was, or discussion of if anything would change as a result of the discussion, and to me that feels just kind of like an open point. Yeah, okay. There hasn't been that. And also, I thought I had the feeling from you that you would consider the conversation that we had and maybe reflect on how we chant and maybe changing things.

[35:56]

I don't know. It was kind of unclear, but it seemed to know. You were thinking that you were going to process that, and it wasn't clear what you were going to do with that. But that was the feeling that I had from that discussion. Well, I think that's great. I did process it. The main thing I found is that the experiment took a lot of work just to, you know, it's a lot of work to erase that. And then it would be a lot of work to... What the consequences were, and we had a lot of work to talk about the next step. And to me, just considering the other things I'm trying to do, just sort of beyond my reach in terms of work. Well, that's... I had to like, I had to like, you know, because I've taken an age for people and stuff. So I just, it's an interesting topic about, you know, I just, I can do very little. And so... I just didn't have time to get together with people. That was all.

[36:59]

But I agree, there wasn't much follow through. But there was that one day of experience which you saw from afar. You know, that already feels good to me, just to hear that. I just didn't want to kind of, like, get off just to know that you thought about it and this is what happened or didn't happen. This is more of a time economy. Can I raise another point? Okay, if he raises another point. Sure. So Melissa asked you a question before Sushim, and you answered it. I didn't understand the answer. So I'm going to try to ask the question again as best I can remember it, the way it feels to me. One is the Buddha's teaching that things are not predetermined, which I completely understand, and that's not a problem for me at all. story of Siddhartha Gautama the Buddha who saw the sky and predicted that he would be reborn and have this name and live in this house and all these very precise details which seems to Melissa and to me that that implied that at least for the historical Buddha this man's future was predetermined and it seems to be

[38:24]

a contradiction and she asked you to clarify it and you did, but I didn't understand what you said. So I'd like you to try again. The next thing that comes to mind is this thing about determinism. The next thing that comes to mind is reification. We're not saying that independent causes would cause the result of other independent things. That doesn't make sense at all. But part of the problem, I think, is that there is cause and effect, and yet the term isn't, in a sense, a gratified process. That's a good point. The other thing is that Buddha can predict that somebody will be a Buddha. And they can predict the person's name and the country and type of disciples and so on and so forth.

[39:34]

And that's not like saying that... It's not. Well, but it's predicting, you know, that somebody will have this name at a certain date, and then at that date the person has that name. But the way it is, even a Buddha doesn't know that the way it will be. But you could say, well, isn't the way it is, isn't the way it is, partly due to the names of the people and the names of the country and the habits of the people, isn't that part of the way it is? In the end, yes. That is part of the way it is. Matter of fact, that's all the way it is, is just those causes and conditions. So what he's predicting as causes and conditions, he's not predicting the way things are, because the way things are is that they're dependent on causes and conditions, therefore you cannot predict them, because they're dependent phenomena and totally empty in essence.

[40:46]

So what actually happens is not predetermined or even determined at the time it happens. In a sense, it's determined to be something that you can grasp. Things are determined by their causes. By causes, they're inconceivable, ungraspable, and insubstantial, and have no independent existence other than its causes and conditions. In that sense, things don't work that way. Plus, Buddha doesn't... Buddha's predictions, which are going right along with them, are not saying that things are going to be some way. He's just talking about how they come to be. But how they come to be is not something in grasp. In that way, it's not determinism or predestination. And you can say, well, I want to be interdependent, depend on the core of these beings. I was predestined in that way. Yes, you could say that.

[41:49]

We're always dependent core items with no other kind of being. So are there stories of? projecting something that didn't happen? Ah, I don't know. But there's stories of Buddha projecting things that happened that actually, you know, are totally ungraspable. All the stories are like that. So to say that ungraspable things are predestined We're predestined to be ungraspable. Okay. He had a look on his face. The look says, well, at least I tried on his face.

[42:55]

I don't want to shelter us from the history of Buddha predicting people, or the history of Buddha teaching that karma is not about fate. It's about cause and effect. Yes. I better make this brief because the kitchen has to go back. Yesterday, after you spoke, but I didn't have the courage to get up and ask. And there was a long wait when nobody got up. I'm glad you felt that way. OK. I mean, I'm glad you felt the long wait. And then you put your hands up when we did the chants, and I felt sick with self-loathing that I had to stand up.

[44:21]

And then I thought, well, I could still, you know, there's always applause right after the chant. I could still say something. And you couldn't contain the chant? But I could. But you didn't. I didn't. I didn't feel able to. I saw you not do that. Yes, I did. So I went back to my room. And by the time I got there, I felt I've had a couple who when they felt a lot of pain, would hurt themselves. And I never understood that. But I've understood some in the last few years, the more I've let myself feel pain. And yesterday, I really understood it. I felt so much self-hate that I wanted to hurt myself.

[45:25]

And I didn't. I just sat down and... And that was enough? No, not quite. I still had more. I sat there and cried and hated myself for not having the courage to stand up. And in the middle of... So you were hating the lack of courage. And then it didn't come up, but the fear stopped. Right. And in the middle of that, I felt it and then also felt it go. The hate go? Yeah. Yeah. Crying kind of released some of the energy of that. And right then I felt that I had to go somewhere inside myself.

[46:39]

Also find love for the person who didn't have the courage to get up and ask the question. And until this practice period, really, I couldn't have done that. But I did. You find love for the people, right? And compassion. And I am grateful to you because I know you are part of that and the whole community for being part of that because we're all doing this together. Yes. and grateful to Tia who is here even if she isn't here physically because she's part of that too. And so then now I'd like to actually ask you the question. I wondered if you would care to dance again.

[47:44]

This is so sunny. You could say that last time. This time you don't get away with it. Can I bring my stick? As long as you don't use it on me. Thank you. Can you remind me? May I share one consequence of Carol's action yesterday?

[49:24]

I felt wonderful to get to sit after the talk. It's not because we don't get to. Don't sigh. [...] I'm going to do a colored dance. She's three feet tall, but I'll try it. So she does kind of ballet. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want, but to get what you need!

[50:49]

Also, something that occurred to me with Eric's question and Melissa's question was if it could be like like baking cookies, you know, like you've seen some cookies get baked, you know, it takes 15 minutes. So then, like, you can say these cookies are going to be done in about 15 minutes, you know. It's like the oven explodes or something. Should I say that again? Yeah. Yeah. I wondered about the, with the prediction, if it could be, like, these were, like, um, We've seen a few batches of cookies bake, and they all took about 15 minutes, and so you put some cookies in, and you know they're going to take about 15 minutes, as long as something funny doesn't happen.

[51:56]

It goes like the other batches. That's all. I don't see that I've seen one of the Buddha's predictions come through. I just sort of can't do that. Oh, and last thing, where are the predictions coming from? So maybe the Buddha, having seen various people mature, could make a prediction like that. The first time I saw you dance like that, I always wanted you to show me how to dance like that.

[53:32]

It's the only thing. It's the thickest thing, though. You always wanted to love me. Well, thank you for demonstrating that twice. You're welcome since I've been here. I had a weird, really weird experience last night. A lot of pain. So I went to the hot water bottle and I lay down. I put the hot water bottle on my feet and next thing I know I was dreaming and I was standing up on the edge of my bed crying. And I was crying so bad, my feet, I looked down, puddle of water was on my feet. And this man, I know someone came to the door with a candle and it was lit.

[54:35]

And it appeared to look like to me, Suzuki Roshi, but I really, so I thought it was you. And he sat cross-legged in front of me with the candle. And we was just looking at each other and he said, enough is never enough. So I looked at him and I said, what? And he said, hold your breath. So I grabbed my nose and I hold my breath and he started laughing. So I'll take that old trick. So the next minute I know, he walks out. He walks out in the door. And I looked down. I had to change my socks because they was all wet. And I wanted to catch up with him. And he was just walking. And I grabbed him. And I started shaking him and kicking him.

[55:37]

And I said, what do you mean? What do you mean enough is not enough? Tell me. And then he said, hold your breath. And then he started laughing again. So that kind of bothers me. I don't understand. I mean, I've been thinking about this. And then when I woke up, one of the weirdest things, I woke up, my feet was wet. Because of my water bottle leaps out of his feet. So the first thing that came to my mind, I was like, I mean, what is going on here? So I've heard enough is never enough. I've heard that. But my question is, what does that mean, hold your breath? And then why would he laugh?

[56:38]

That's why I'm able to, you know, you can help me understand that. Is your heart at peace? Maybe. What's the most important? This moment. Enough is enough. Great Shui Fung's heart was not at peace.

[58:09]

The great Shui Fung was in spiritual pain. He said, you can't get it by coming in the front gate. Or it doesn't free doesn't come in. It doesn't arrive through the gate. It comes going. Of the house. But he did come over a flying giving pass. And he did come over the Turtle Mountain. Yes. And he came through a gate when he arrived.

[59:11]

He went through the gate. He went right through the gate. Yeah. And he came because he was seeking, because he had spirit. Yeah. So maybe people have to do that for a while. Apparently. Apparently so. He seemed like he had a lot of understanding, but what was wrong? He was so sincere. Sincerity, put the sincerity together with the seeking, and it highlights the problem. Everybody's seeking. Everybody's seeking. Most people aren't sincere enough. Wholehearted. Yeah, wholehearted enough to notice seeking has to be given up.

[60:17]

everybody's attached, but most people are not sincere enough about their attachment, and wholehearted enough about it to realize that the attachment is dropping away. It's great fun to realize the heartiness, you stop seeking. With the best of our masters in China helping, So, even then, it's... be wholehearted enough to, like, realize, you know, seeking. So the treasure is already inside. The treasure is already inside. But it takes effort still, wholehearted effort.

[61:28]

The treasure is effortful. Treasure is like a dynamo. A dynamo? You're right. A mystic treasure. A mystic dynamo. He's humming away right now. Maybe it's the generator. I have a partial Tassajara story about something that happened that I need some help. ...to complete it. Would that be okay? Who is the person? Gary. Oh, of course, Gary. Anytime. But one of the people involved... I wasn't directly involved in the story.

[62:31]

Go over to Gary and Gary can... I overheard it. Gary. I overheard it, and the other person wasn't, strictly speaking, a Zen student. It was a three-year-old. Do you want to be a three-year-old? She's your three-year-old. You're a right-hander, huh? Not inside. About a month or so, about halfway through the practice period, there was a moment when all the golden and red leaves had fallen in the courtyard. And I think it was a work day, and Kaya was in her little portable Dharna seat.

[63:39]

courtyard sitting her stroller and she looked particularly delighted with everything that morning just kind of really happy and Gary had a rake and he was reaching up with the rake off the coffee tea area and Kaia said What are you doing? And Gary said, I don't remember. I'm raking the leaves off the coffee tea area. And then Kaya said, They'll come down by themselves. And then you said, I don't know what you said.

[64:45]

You can't remember? This was so great. You can't remember. I remember little. By the past. Oh, well. Can you come up with mine now? I have to ask Kaya. What did I say next? Gary said something which I couldn't hear because I was actually meaning to keep moving but I was ...by this event happening and then Kaya said, they really will come down by themselves.

[65:49]

They really will come down by themselves. And then you saw it. Are you sure? So I think Kai has been studying cognitive fact and demonstrating very nicely. And she was so delighted with this event. I think, I don't know what, keep it up. She's really doing well. And I'm sorry you can't remember. Couldn't you see me talking? Since I'm up here, can I ask a question? So I've been looking inside for the family jewels, and I've searched and I've searched, and I can't find them.

[66:54]

Not seeking to. Let him come out, Gary. Let him out. Get in there. Let him out. Don't look. Don't look. Yeah, come by themselves. We just got to let them out. We're waiting briefly for that. OK. OK. I'm rushing because I think we might need Gary for this. Stand on your feet. I thought people might like to know. Maybe nobody really wants to know, but just in case, the mouse is doing... It lived. It scampered. It got back on the bed a couple of times, and it looked at me from my night table where it was enjoying some traces of... hot drink. And so I've been taking care of it.

[67:57]

And I don't really want to put it out in the . It may make its way out. It enjoyed nibbling on a rosy pellet. You know, food. And so it may well be that I don't know if it's going to leave on its own. And the reason I asked Gary to wait is I heard that he had a talking to from neighbors or roommates at one time for feeding blue jays. And so I thought maybe he'd be a candidate to receive the little mouse. And I leave Tassajara if you'd like to take care of a little mouse. Because I really don't want to put it out in the cold. Because I know you don't want me to keep it. These are the most cool, actually. Oh, good. Let me know what you do with it. We take them up the road. Your mouse will be safe with me. What's that face?

[69:26]

Yeah. I thought I wanted to take this opportunity for the last time to bother you with a little confession to help me with this gospel. And I tried to make that confession already earlier. However, it did never really work out. I realize now it doesn't work out so well either because my big confession which holds me back and I'm always very amazed when you make this when you make these interactions here is that I'm so nervous and afraid to talk in front of people

[70:39]

And this is not a joke because people often don't believe it. When they see me or when I come up here, it is often just, or a big part is just to face my afraidness of talking in front of people, which is a problem for my life actually. For my first confession, I thought actually I will have totally flickering knees and won't be able to stand, but it didn't happen, so I couldn't make the confession actually. And funny-wise, it is not really happening now, so you can believe me. I'm really nervous and afraid to talk to people, and I want to face that because I feel it holds me back from really living how I want to live and that's why I thank you very much for the support of the opportunity here just to try out again and because I feel this community is always the first and only one where I can really try out and play and be happy to have flickering knees standing here in front of you.

[71:59]

I can see them. It is fine. So thank you very much for that. How do you want to live, Timo? Fearless. I haven't even worn out one zephyr yet. What am I going to do? It's okay with me if you skip over the very unsightfuls. Let it come out of your heart. Everything is coming with your heart. I have another question. Okay. that says, diligently endeavor in tranquility.

[73:09]

This is a question about studying cause and effect. And I don't know if I don't think I can clearly ask this question. The other night we We talked about seeing a thought and then immediate response to a thought as a relationship that can be seen as part of the study. Can you give other examples of what relationships or patterns of relationships might be seen? pattern of relationship. I see myself here, I see you there, and I see you, you know, as a priest in training, and I have something to do with that. And I see you, you know, that you've had this practice period and you plan to go back to Green Gulch.

[74:47]

And I feel, you know, happy about that, in this case. That's uncomfortable, that makes you right out. And I may feel separate from you, or see myself in relationship with you, or I may see myself as born of you in relationship with this whole generation. So those are, in some sense, that's my mind, the activity of creating this picture, this story of my life with you. and then now I have another story, and now I have another story, and now I have another story. And the more I watch these stories, the more I see them change and flow, the more I enter the river again, and the more I can stand that, the more alive I feel. You want to get a hold of them, some things. So in sitting meditation,

[75:50]

If a chain of thought, this chain of thinking, would you go into what that story is and look at that story in terms of what action there is? Or would you just notice that there's thinking just happened? Insight into, you know, analyzing cause and effect, that's what I'm doing. A lot of possibilities. I can look at the story and, you know, I can get skill provided, maybe, and notice it's a wholesome story. That's not a very wholesome, that's kind of a nasty story. And then I might say, you know, I have no story. I'd actually like to have a little more friendly story. I don't have one yet, but I had the idea that I'd get a friendly story about how I see myself in the relationship to the situation.

[76:57]

And then I think that because a friendly story would arise. And then I'd be like, hey, this is okay, and a whole bunch of friendly stories. And actually being able to see that I'm not in control of this, that there's not a controller of this, that the process of observation... you know, displays the process of evolution. And then I might also notice something that I might be able to see when I'm aware. If I hadn't been watching the stories for a while, that's like, how do you think, a bit chunkier. Actually, sometimes less skillful. I can actually see them, even though I'm not in control of when I check in and when I check out. and the process of positive evolution when I am checked in. But I do experience that. When I'm in the story factory, I sense more flow in the story, positive evolution, less attachment, and leading up to seeing that there's nobody in there running it and feeling comfortable with that.

[78:17]

you know, very free and happy, even while having a functioning, active mind. Okay, that really helped. I didn't know whether to go in the story or... You can go in there. But again, as you go in there, you... I'm going to go in. But sometimes you can see there's going into the story. You can see there's penetrating the story and playing with the story. And you might see there's nobody doing this, but there is playing with the story, and there is awareness of how the play affects the story. And then there's not playing. And then the story evolves in another way when there's not playing with it. So the story's evolving anyway. But when you play with it, one thing happens, and you don't play with it, another happens. So usually you might find, as you do this, it's good to start out by not playing with the story and watch how it changes. Then start playing with it and watch how it changes. We play, watch how, getting that understanding, what happens when there's no playing of painting.

[79:26]

So there's a different kind of analysis and participation in the story. This is like when you're able, this is like when you're in a fortunate enough state to be able to be here in common, quietly explore by the reaches of these causes and conditions. There's lots of ways to explore it. Thank you. You're welcome. So I have a question. It's very brief. Well... It's nothing to do with anything, but... If it's brief, then it probably won't take very long. So I keep looking, and I keep looking, and all I see is Ken, and I keep looking for Miyuki. Oh, you didn't hear the announcement yesterday? There was an announcement? Yeah. A work meeting. Sorry you didn't hear it. Her grandmother, I guess, died. She died?

[80:27]

Well, she was about to die. She wanted to get there before she died. They thought she died in a couple of days, so she went back to North Carolina to be with her grandmother, hopefully before she died. Get an opportunity to... I think she made it. She's coming back. Oh, she is? Great, thank you. Yeah, and Diana announced that with me. But she did it silently, so you couldn't hear. I'm trying to figure out what. Yesterday, she did it. Yeah. Okay. He's so mad, right? I still do. True or false? Happiness equals reality minus expectations.

[81:30]

True. Does anybody have a problem with me using a stick on Eric? Do you want? More in the context, please. Put your head and tilt your head to the right. Are you happy now? That's good.

[82:56]

That's good. How was that? It was great. I like the stick too.

[83:58]

Or is it, is this it? Is this our only chance? Well, there's nobody behind here. So maybe I'll catch him. Didn't you receive the stick at Mambaldi? I did. Did you receive it? No. In my first conscious period, we all, or you, I'm not sure who it was, when we all was, until we did it here.

[85:26]

Want to do a safety? You know, our style. Excuse me, I think Diane said she's mine. Oh, you're mine? Actually, if no one else, Lauren's. You don't do it on top of your queso. Oh, really? What do I do? One side? If you want the other side, you take your queso out. Well, it's a little unbalanced, but I don't know if I'll take it out. If you want both sides, you take your queso out. This is called picking and choosing on the top of Snowy Dome. Yeah. Yeah, I would. Can you do what?

[86:42]

Who do you want to do it on?

[86:43]

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