Well, it's kind of time to pack up the show and hit the road. There's some points I'd like to clarify before I go. One of them is about what I understand to be the practice. The way he understands the thing called Zazen. Just thought I'd want to clarify that, make sure everybody understands what I think Dogen thinks. So let's see. Intimacy. Bodhidharma. Seated Buddha.

[01:05]

So we started the practice period with Bodhidharma, I think. Me sort of saying to you that at the end of the practice period we'll maybe come up with talking about Bodhidharma again, which we are. At the beginning I said that Bodhidharma supposedly went to China to help Chinese people with their practice. That, facing the wall for nine years. And I asked you from the beginning to think about whether that practice of Bodhidharma is the practice of Avalokiteshvara, the practice of living of all beings. So we start with Bodhidharma sitting and we end with seated Buddha. Does seated Buddha save all sentient beings?

[02:14]

Bodhidharma in this tradition is sitting. Does this sitting help all beings? And then I proposed for the theme for the practice period Intimacy that Bodhidharma sitting facing the wall is practicing intimacy with himself. He's being himself as an act of compassion. The Buddha seated Buddha is being herself as an act of compassion. Both of them are doing the same practice and that I think is the practice of Dogen Zenji. The practice is a state of tranquility which is also completely a state of wisdom. In other words, it's a practice of complete perfect enlightenment.

[03:22]

So I think that's what Bodhidharma's practice was. I think that's what the Seated Buddha's practice was. And these practices are practices for realizing intimacy, intimacy with oneself. And on the basis of intimacy with yourself, you realize intimacy with all beings. Then there's another term that Dogen Zenji uses for his sitting practice, shikan taza in Japanese. It means just sitting. Reverend Koning said that she understood shikan taza to be objectless meditation. I agree. Objectless meditation, so that takes us to another topic for this practice period, the topic of mind only, cognition only.

[04:30]

So a state of tranquility where one has an objectless cognition. where one has realized the state of cognition only. In other words, whatever you see, all the objects you see, you understand, are mind. What you're seeing, in other words, is mind. So in that sense, the objects are not objects. Subjects, they're the subject appearing as an object. When you understand this, then everything you look at is mind, so that you're constantly looking at mind, and looking at mind is what calms the mind.

[05:39]

Looking at things that you think are objects outside mind agitates the mind. So the state of realizing cognition only is a tranquil state because you're simultaneously developing tranquility at the same time that you realize. Because of your understanding of objects, they calm you. When you see objects as the mind, that calms you. When you look at the mind, that calms you too. Then you turn that what you think is objects, and when you realize that the objects are mind, then you continue to be calm, but now you also realize intimacy of mind and objects. Intimacy of mind and objects is cognition only. The subject of Dogen Zenji's

[06:42]

tranquility practice being united with wisdom, being united with suchness. Someone said to me, she was talking to a Tibetan teacher, and the Tibetan teacher said, He thought that Zen, he first of all said, I don't know much about Zen, but I think Zen emphasizes shamatha, tranquility practice, too much, and that vipassana people in the West emphasize vipassana too much, or wisdom too much, and not enough, his impression, shamatha practice. So he did say he didn't know too much about Zen, but some Zen people do actually put a lot of emphasis on developing tranquility. So he may have met people like that. There was a... a big debate with a Chinese representative of the Zen school and an Indian representative of Indian Buddhism, they had a debate in Tibet, and the Chinese person did seem in a sense to be saying that a non-conceptual state of consciousness, a non-conceptual samadhi is where it's at.

[08:04]

But he didn't emphasize enough, I think, he lost the debate. He didn't emphasize enough that this non-conceptual tranquility is also contemplating such... So he lost the debate, according to historical records. So we... I think Dogen Zenji is saying that whenever you look at things... He wants us to look at them in a state of calm. We're calm when we study things in order to realize that the things you're studying are mind. Again, once you realize that, that understanding then deepens and fuels further understanding which then turns, then you turn that back again to further study. So calm study leads the study to become understanding that you're always studying the mind.

[09:12]

When you realize you're always studying the mind, you're deepening your concentration, then you take your concentration and study mind again. The mind can appear, all the different teachings, all the different beings. So, we ourselves at some phases may feel like we're shifting from tranquility to insight. Some people come and they want to talk about insight. And I feel like, well, you know, I think you have to be more tranquil before you can meaningfully talk about insight. Even to talk about mind-only doctrines and mind-only teachings should be done in a state of tranquility. So I sometimes You could just do tranquility practice for a while. And again, many people are introduced to Zen as concentrate on posture and breathing.

[10:16]

So that seems to be tranquility instruction, trying to help the person look at the mind rather than jump around from object to object. And then when they're calm, then we can talk about how it is that this calm state of mind, how could this be actually united with wisdom. So we had our original story of intimacy. And... Then we moved on to talk about the pivot of mind in different contexts. There's a pivot where the eye that sees how to practice is the eye that sees the Dharma and the eye that sees the practice.

[11:23]

If you can see the practice clearly, you'll be able to see the Dharma and vice versa. There's a pivot there. And this pivot is realized. Do you remember where this pivot is realized? How this pivot is realized? No? Huh? Remember the story? This pivot is realized in paying respects to the true great teacher. This pivot is realized in prostrating to the great teacher. So the point of the prostration is at first there's you and the great teacher. And in the prostration practice, intimacy develops between you and the great teacher. And in that intimacy between you and the great teacher, the realization of this pivot happens. happens.

[12:30]

You can't get to the pivot by yourself. Nobody can push you into the pivot. You have to practice intimacy with the teacher of this turning point, of this essential place where your vision of how to practice becomes clear. And so your dharma eye becomes clear and vice versa. That happens again in a practice of intimacy with the great teacher. And so you can bow to the altar in the zendo, you can walk around the altar in the zendo, you can walk around Mount Tassajara as an act of paying your respects, of becoming intimate with the great teacher. And in that intimacy, again, matter, the great pivot is realized. And then coming from there, from that basic instruction by Dogen is that, again, the place of realizing the pivot of the Buddha ancestors is in intimate relationship

[13:44]

in a sense, between student and teacher, but ultimately between Buddha and Buddha. That's our practice environment where we realize this essential pivot. And then Dogen alludes to or mentions these other stories, and one of them was the story of Good old dragon pond. Where's the cakes? Oh, no. Well, maybe they're gone now. It's okay. So anyway, so we have... This is a story about Dragon Pond. He comes from a family of cake makers. This is a simple way to write the character.

[14:56]

Nice simple character. This character means dot. Oh, very nice. Yukio wrote it out for you. See? Brian. Brian. You look that up, Brian? Did you look up in the dictionary or just know it off the top of your head? The English part, you know. Oh. So this character, you can't see this character? This character here, see it? Up here? If you'd like to see, you can move over. This character means dot or a speck or a point. And then the next character is dot. or mind.

[16:02]

So Dragon Pond came from a family of people who made these. In Chinese it's Dian Xin or Dim Sun. In Japanese it's Ten Shin, different characters from my name. It means dot the heart. And so somebody took one already. Yes, but it's okay. It's okay. Just regurgitated whoever it was. So these are little hearts with dots on them. Made in English by Brian and Chinese by Yuki. So these are hearts with dots on them. and they have flaxseed in them, so they're good for you.

[17:04]

So these will be shared with all beings. And somebody got more than anybody else. So, Dragon, a family like that, remember? His family made these cakes, and his family lived near a Zen ancestor whose name is Tianhuang Dawu. And every day, Dragon Pond, the young boy would bring cakes to Tianhuang Dawu. And every day, Dawu would save one cake for the boy. And the boy says, why do you save them? I got gazillions of cakes. And he says, well, cakes. And if no problem, let me save you one for you. And the boy thought, hmm. Maybe there's some deep meaning here.

[18:12]

So the boy decided to get . A long time, he had this company of cakes every day, and . helping him out in various ways. And after some time he said, how come you never teach me the essential pivot? It's the essential pivot that... And... And when you bow to me, don't I bow my head? And when you help me this way, don't I? And so on. I've always been teaching you the essential point. And then again, Dragon Pond understood something. And then he becomes the famous teacher in the story of the lady selling these refreshments in the mountains of Hunan, who then goes to see Dragon Pond and they start a wonderful lineage.

[19:26]

It's interesting that in the Japanese dictionary they define this, the first part of the definition is Zen monk smack. So it means Zen monk smack refreshments and refreshment. So you can use it as a verb too. dot heart. It means refreshment and also refreshments. In the story, the old lady says to Deshan, if you can answer the question, I will give you some refreshments to refresh yourself. Otherwise, you're not going to get refreshed. And then we have other stories of intimacy between Guishan and his disciples who bring him things.

[20:31]

And it's in this, again, in this intimate environment. And again, it's pointed to as the place where we understand. So a lot of us maybe want to understand the truth, reality, for the great benefit that might have for the world. And so that's why we have a is to create an environment where we can be intimate and in that intimacy we can realize the truth. We can't realize the truth by ourself. And nobody else can do it for us. But together, in intimacy, we can. So all these stories are pivot can be realized when we work on our intimate relationships. And then we move on to seated Buddha at the end of the practice period.

[21:35]

And again, seated Buddha is emphasizing the intimacy between the form our form of practice, the posture, and the Buddha. And that the Buddha has no fixed form, but our posture does have a form. With that dynamic of how it is that although our posture has a fixed form, or has a form for the moment anyway, because Buddha does not have a fixed form, our fixed form does not avoid the not fixed form of the seated Buddha. Practice can be seated Buddha. It's not just, you know, not causing much trouble for a while. It's not just being quiet and following the rules around here. It is seated Buddha because seated Buddha cannot.

[22:39]

But we must offer something to be seated Buddha without thinking that the something we offer is seated Buddha. What we offer is the realization of seated Buddha. And the working with is another one of Dogen Zenji's definitions is this kind of effort of working with the carved dragon of our own daily practice in intimacy with our own daily practice together with the Sangha, understanding that our limited life is the seated Buddha. If we're intimate with our limited life, we realize intimacy with the unlimited, formless, ungraspable intimacy of the Buddha. So that was a sketch which might have worked to connect the different teachings for this practice period.

[23:50]

The mind only, the intimacy, the seated Buddha, the carved Buddha, Bodhidharma, and all these stories of these Zen ancestors having snacks. Yes. Do you have a microphone for her? Thank you so much. But then lately you spoke also about pretending, pretending that we are seated Buddha before Yeah.

[24:55]

When we sit, we pretend to be. So I had a little bit of difficulty with that. You had trouble with pretending? Well, so if I sit in the posture of the Buddha, try to have upright posture, the Buddha recommended upright posture, and apparently, according to the Buddha, they said Buddha sat upright upright. Like in that story where Buddha met Bukkhasati, they both sat upright, it said. So the Buddha sat upright, and the Buddha recommended sitting upright. So we sit upright. So you can say, I'm sitting upright, but you can also say, I'm not just sitting upright. This is Buddha sitting upright. This is upright Buddha sitting. But I'm also, this is just a story about it that I'm saying. But I am saying that story. I am saying I am practicing sitting meditation.

[25:59]

And I also say, I can say, Dogen Zenji says, but I say too, just like the ancestors, my upright sitting is, my practicing upright sitting is practicing upright Buddha sitting. But I'm also kind of pretending that I'm sitting upright. And I'm also pretending that I'm, what do you call it, an upright Buddha, that I'm a seated Buddha, or that this is Buddha sitting. I'm kind of pretending. What I'm saying is just a mental concoction about what I'm doing. It's not actually what's happening. I'm a limited person, a limited being. And a limited being can have a story like, I think I'm standing in a dining room, and I'm not pretending that. I really am standing here. Well, I'm not saying you're not, I'm just saying that really also you're just thinking you're standing here.

[27:01]

What you're actually doing is not what you think you're doing. You're pretending to stand here talking to me. But I don't know that, you know, it's a difference between knowing that I pretend. When you pretend, what I'm saying, I'm saying pretend knowingly. No, I'm I didn't accuse you of pretending. I said, practice pretending. Perform. We perform Buddha. We put on a Buddha show. We put on Buddha ceremonies. We put on Buddha rituals. We have a place where we do ceremonies where we perform Buddha. And we... It's just a little performance of something that's unlimited. But if you pick something that you think you're not performing, or it's not a performance, I don't know what that would be, like falling down or eating lunch. You say, that wasn't a performance. Okay. Then I say, well, you just missed something there.

[28:07]

You are performing. So what are you going to perform? Why not perform Buddha while you're at it? Performers, they may lose track of it, But children, when they're performing things, they usually know they're performing. And if they lose track of that, they get scared. But we can remember, I think, well, when they lose track, they get scared. I think when we lose track of it, we get scared too. If you lose track that you're performing, I think you're not aware of your own karma. You're not aware that you are acting. I think that I pretend staying here, then I can't fall out of this role. Scary. So say it again. If you pretend... If I pretend to be something, to sit Buddha... If you pretend to be a Zen student... If I pretend to be a Zen student... Then... Then... And...

[29:13]

I am playing, I pretend to be the same. So it needs a constant effort to pretend that I'm a same student. If I fall out of my role as same student, then it gets scary because I don't know anymore what I am. Yeah, right. The way you said it is one way, another way is that if you pretend, if you realize you're pretending to be a Zen student or pretending to be a woman, you might fall out of your role as a Zen student. If you realize you're pretending. And then that gets scary. The whole point of that suggestion of performing Buddha is to realize that Buddha is not a substantial thing. But that's scary. But you do have the performance to continue when you're scared. See, you're performing.

[30:19]

That's what I mean. I have to constantly come back in pretending or playing this. If you're scared, you might feel if you're scared that you have to come back because you wouldn't be able to tolerate your fear. You know, some people might say that, that if you really get into this, the only way to stand the fear, you know, the terror of reality is by doing a performance of a ritual. So it's, you know, if you're really open to reality, you realize, I cannot stand this unless I can do a ritual right now. Because in reality, I can't do anything but but rituals, reality is going to take away everything that I can do by myself. So that might drive you to be constantly practicing.

[31:22]

You're welcome. Yes. And that's kind of scary too, to be constantly practicing. It doesn't leave time for anything else. I was going to change the topic from fear. Go ahead. So having sad zazen and established some amount of concentration and chamta, I think that what you said was that then we could begin to... I'm looking for the word that you used. That we could begin to... confront, address, analyze the teachings, the wisdom teachings.

[32:29]

Any teachings. Any teachings. So that sounds to me like having become one with stillness, then you change. I'm guessing that this is like during seated meditation as opposed to sort of more broadly. Let's say it's during seated meditation. Although some people do it when they're walking around. So, that sounds to me like using zazen as a tool. Like, okay, so you go... It's using... It's using... It's using the tranquility as a tool. Tranquility is a tool because in samadhi, things look different than they do outside of samadhi. Like you can see the spaces between things and they're more vivid. Secrets. Secrets. Now that they don't tell you when you're not concentrated. So the samadhi is a tool. And zazen, I wouldn't use zazen just for samadhi itself.

[33:36]

I would use zazen as the samadhi in which there's wisdom. Jewel mirror samadhi. So then it seems to me like there's this potential hazard of engaging, gaining mind in there. Yeah. If I just get to this lovely, blissful state, then something might happen. Oh, you could get into gaining mind heading towards the blissful state. Hmm. You can get it there. And, but, but, Usually it's kind of a hindrance, concentration to be trying to get concentration. So let's say you don't have that problem anymore. You got over that one. And as a reward of getting over that one, you're practicing tranquility. And as a result of practicing tranquility, you become tranquil.

[34:37]

The word shama to the practice and the result. Samatha is actually a state of tranquility and flexibility and so on. Which can be happening on the cushion and off the cushion. Right. Right? Yeah. Okay. So I get the part about studying wisdom teachings off the cushion, but... Okay, let's take a look on the cushion. So on the cushion, if you're sitting there, it might be the case that a teaching of the Buddha or of Dogen Zenji would arise in your mind. Just like if you're sitting in tranquility, it might be the sound of a blue jay. So people in Kasahara hear blue jays, and even when they leave Kasahara, they might hear blue jays. Like I hear wake-up bell all night long. The other morning, the Jikido turned on the lights an hour, and I got up,

[35:41]

And I thought I could hear the wake-up bell, and it took me a long time to realize that it was, that things were earlier than, I mean, I hear the, that time of day, I don't hear it in the middle of the day, I hear it that time of day when I'm in the cabin, I hear it. And it happened to me too. And I also hear Dharma teachings because they're ringing, they're going on all the time around me. So I hear Dharma teachings, when people say them, when I say them, when I read them, but I also hear them when I'm just walking around. And when I walk into Zen Do, I hear them too. They just pop in my head. Like some people have problems with songs, they have problems with Dharma teachings. Like seated Buddha. Like, what are you doing? Are you practicing seated meditation or seated Buddha? That comes into my head. I have to restrain myself all the time from talking out loud. So I'm looking at, I'm sitting there, people are thinking of, it's cold, it's a seated Buddha. Are you a seated Buddha?

[36:43]

Seated Buddha has no marks. He can't escape seated Buddha. Those things run through my head. Also, I see people in the room. I see, oh, person. So, if I see a person, then the teaching pops up. The person is not out there on their own. my deluded consciousness sees the person out there on her own. That pops up. Oh, there she is over there. Then teaching pops up and says, well, that's not right. That's a delusion. So then that teaching pops up in my head and then I look at the person again and I say, they're not out there. They're me. I don't say that to myself. I see it. But this sounds like a lot of talking going on in the state of samadhi. It's kind of not my experience. Well, you may have a more quiet samadhi than me. When the Buddha was awakened, maybe things were quiet, but then he looked and he saw something.

[37:47]

He saw a star. He woke up. And then he said, he saw, conditioned by ignorance, karmic formations arise. Conditioned by karmic formations. He was thinking that stuff. And Dogen Zenji says, calmly, quietly, thoroughly examine, and then he gives you some teaching to examine. So you have no problem thinking that he's telling you to examine when you're walking around. Right. But I'm saying he's not just talking about doing it in the kitchen and in the garden. He's talking about doing it all the time. And when you're sitting, you're performing seated Buddha. So the question is, when you're performing seated Buddha, are you not studying the Dharma of the Buddha? So it could be a very simple teaching. The only Dharma I... I'm just, yes, processing. It could be that when you're sitting, some people just, the only teaching of Buddha I study when I'm sitting, I only study one teaching, Seated Buddha.

[38:59]

That's the only teaching. But even if you just have that one teaching, you still might think that teaching was out there, separate from you. If you're in Samadhi and you look at that one teaching, Seated Buddha, you'll see that that teaching seated Buddha is not out there. Buddha is not there. That's the insight in the Samadhi. And Dogen Zenji wrote 95 fascicles, so I think he was thinking a lot in Zazen too. Okay. Because he's writing, he writes his Zen story, and then he says, examine this, and then he examines it, he writes, he examines, examines. Now, is he calm while he's telling us to be calm? I think it's possible that while he was writing to us, he was calm while we study what he's writing, that he was calm while he was studying what he was writing.

[40:06]

Yes, right, and that's what I said. That part, I'm okay with that part. I guess there's some, for me, there's some, maybe there's some loosening of the idea of analyzing a teaching or studying a teaching while seated. So. Some loosening? Some loosening in the idea of how study can happen in a non-analytical way, because otherwise... Is it samadhi if you're engaging analytical mind? Once again, the Buddha was in samadhi and totally engaging his analytic mind, analyzing the twelvefold. He was... It doesn't get much more analytic than that. There he was, and he told us he was doing that. The loosening of the analysis, that's part of what samadhi lets you do. It lets your analysis be very flexible and creative.

[41:10]

If you're not calm and you start analyzing, usually you're not so flexible and loose. So it doesn't work, it doesn't go as deep. When you're in samadhi, you become more like a computer. You can try 56 different things in a few seconds. You can really analyze intensely because you're so calm. without getting upset, without getting agitated. So, was Dogen Zenji performing seated Buddha when he was... I think he would argue that he was. You think he would argue that he was? Yeah. I think he would too. And I think the fact that these people... that wanted to study with them, they didn't think this is just some smart guy sitting there. They thought it was a Siddhism about studying all this stuff. So he's saying, even when he's teaching Siddha Buddha, he repeatedly says, we should study in detail this Siddha Buddha. We should study in detail all these different things.

[42:13]

And he actually delivered these orally after he wrote them to his students. But if he wasn't practicing, I don't know if the tradition would have Well, Ben is alive for those people who are practicing pretty hard with him. So I think it's hard for us to imagine doing high-level analytic work and being calm. At that level. At that deep level of being one with stillness in a non-conceptual way. Because that's sort of definitionally what we're talking about in terms of shamans. But there's different levels of shamatha, and the deepest level of shamatha you cannot do analysis. Okay. In the deepest level of samatha, in the deepest levels of tranquility, your mind cannot even form sentences. Okay? But if your mind can't form sentences, then there's no insight.

[43:14]

So that kind of tranquility... Zenji is saying, it's fine, but if you're that deep in your concentration, you can't do the analysis. So then the wisdom is not functioning. The Buddha could go into these states of tranquility where there was no verbal activity. But his insight didn't, his awakening didn't go into those deep states. No. And after he had that insight, he could still go back to those states. And he did kind of like, for what do you call it? Huh? What? For vacation, he said. Yeah. For restoration. For vacation, exactly. You do it for rest. That's where he would rest. In those... Samatha means rest. He would rest in those states and then he would come back and work at a level of concentration such that you can do the analysis but not become agitated. But if you get too calm, you can't even get a hold of a word. So this reminds me of a statement that you made, I think, during the very first lesson.

[44:19]

You have to give away your concentration. To perfect it. Yeah. You're welcome. Thank you. You're welcome. Every time we bring out pretending, I keep wanting to raise my hand about something that comes to mind, and it's just an anecdote. But there was a scientific study done by a behaviorist. His quote looked blank, and it is about teaching people to play tennis. And they took 30 people, and 15 of them, they taught... These were all novices, people who had not played tennis ever before. And the 15 people that they took in one group, they were taught tennis by a tennis instructor.

[45:24]

And for six months they went through this program when they played tennis. The other group, they told them a whole different thing. And they had not learned to play tennis before either. But they told them they were going to be in a movie. extras and what they wanted them to do was they wanted them to watch tennis and they wanted them to go out and try and play tennis but it wasn't important to make contact with the ball or where the ball landed how well they actually did as far as following the rules but the important thing was to look like it And that was their job. And so for six months, they went through all of, like, how to serve, how to do your backhand, your forehand, all the rest of it. And then at the very end... And looking like a professional. But looking like a professional. Rather than a beginner. And that was the goal of the... And when they put them together, at the end of the six months, they had to play each other. And they said the group that was pretending to be tennis players, who was told, don't even worry about where the ball lands, what have you, creamed.

[46:31]

the other group who was actually learning to play tennis. And it's a very interesting study in Malcolm Gladwell's book about and about trying to put on the form of someone who you want to emulate, whether it be a teacher or what have you. And I think it's a very interesting study. You do, do you? I'm glad you finally told us the story. So, you know, I did not really want to but I did want to copy him. I didn't want to be Kadagiri Roshi, but I wanted to copy him. And still today, not so much the last few minutes, but when I do my gassho, I think of Kadagiri Roshi. When I do my gassho, I think of Suzuki Roshi. Different teachers I emulate. I'm not them, but I'm emulating. When I sit, I think of Buddha. I'm emulating Buddha. And not just one Buddha, but all Buddhas.

[47:34]

I'm copying them. And I'm going to cream the people that are really good. Do you want to say something about these dot-hards? Please don't take a whole one. Share them with your friends, please. Would you give me a nice plate? I didn't think you'd want to be eating brownies in the morning, but they are Zen snacks, aren't they? So here we go.

[48:43]

Yes, Timon? You make it dependent on what I say. Attention story. And micro-attention story. I would like to make a confession and give an intention. I hope that is right. It leads a bit away from the subject. I hope this is fine with you. It feels a bit... It feels a bit... Loud enough? Like that? It feels a bit, I could say, selfish, or it has been a compassionate act towards this person itself who makes this confession. I wanted to make it earlier but there was no time during the last session. One action which I want to reinforce is that I really present myself as I am and not pretend to be somebody else.

[50:03]

That is a different word of pretension which we often have in mind. And while I gave this talk, there was one question at the end. I think there are some other stories. My father wrote down, I started, then I told this story of jumping out of the car on the Autobahn. And while I told this story, I already thought like, This is not what I wanted to tell. I know that this story did not happen. That I'm making this story in a way up to pretend to be somebody else. and it is it's not that i made the story up in in that session i think it's yeah years ago or so this story developed from sort of something a little bit different and just like adding each time something new just to to appear as somebody more like i said also more cool or more competent or anything like that

[51:13]

or more funny just to make a more interesting person and since then I felt this did not get out of my mind and so I could study all what I did was under this light or when I said something Oh, what am I making up of myself just to appear a bit better or a bit more interesting or a bit worse or whatever. Sometimes it goes like from, for example, when I deleted all your drama talks. You might not know that. I first came to somebody where I sort of tried to present that in a way that I wasn't too stupid, which was really the case. And then later, somebody else came, or the Tandoor Art Museum... But you weren't trying to pretend.

[52:22]

I wasn't pretending that. No, excuse me. You weren't trying to pretend to be stupid. I wasn't trying to pretend to be stupid. I was really trying to pretend to look good in a way of you talking about pretension. I was sort of like hiding my stupidity. That's what I'm talking about. Hiding my stupidity or hiding my nervousness when I'm talking in front of people. But you were pretending that too. I'm pretending that you don't realize that. Wait a second. You were pretending to be hiding. Right. But it sounds like you think you weren't pretending. You were really pretending to be hiding. You were really trying to hide. Yes. It wasn't a pretense to hide. You were really trying to be hiding. I agree. Just in the normal wording people use, they often say to this way of acting, pretending. I'm pretending to be this way so people won't see I'm that way. pretending to be fearless so they won't say, I'm afraid.

[53:24]

Yeah. Now, if I was afraid though, then I might say, now I'm not pretending. And that's the part where I am saying something a little surprising maybe. I'm saying, even when you're afraid, you're pretending. Then you're really pretending. Then you're really getting close to the heart of pretense, the heart of mental construction. But you're still pretending as you get farther away from the source of pretense, which is more intense than the fear, when you can feel, I want to hide. And then you actually do something to hide. There you say, well, that was pretending. I was pretending to be fearless, but I was totally afraid. But I was aware I was afraid. And I didn't try to hide it. To myself. To myself. And I'm saying... pretending there too. Don't say, okay, now I finally got someplace where I'm not pretending.

[54:28]

But that's another pretense to protect yourself from the fear of you didn't have that. Still there's some pretense. Our mind does that. It makes a fictitious thing going on like fear, I'm afraid. And then we get distracted from that and get into hiding the fear and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, way far away. So when you come back and you're aware, oh, I'm afraid and I'm actually trying to show people that I'm not afraid, don't touch with my fear. I'm just saying, be careful not to substantiate that fear and say, now that's real. I'm really that way. That's still just one version of you. It's just a little story you're telling. Your mind is constructing, I'm afraid. And also, so I'm going to do another thing to hide that. So just drop that. Now you did, now I'm afraid. They're gone. Now it's just me and my fear.

[55:29]

I'm still telling stories. Yes. But it is more like wholehearted. Yeah, I think it's more wholehearted. Getting close to wholehearted, you're getting more and more honest. If you admit that you're pretending, you're a little bit more honest. So I admit I'm pretending to be a Zen priest. I admit it. And if there are some people who are Zen priests who aren't pretending, I'm here to be with them. And the people who are pretending to be Zen priests and the people who are not pretending to be Zen priests, we need them. They're all part of the Sangha. Like the two six guns. Maybe I just want to formulate.

[56:40]

Okay. My intention is to pretend to be what is coming up rather than to be somebody else with the goal of showing up or hiding something. But you could be what's coming up is somebody who wants to show up. Yes. So then you want to be that person. So anyway, I think just stay with, forget about the rather, just, what you do is you want to be what's coming up. In other words, you want to mimic yourself. Yeah. Mimic yourself. Perform yourself. Yeah. And he is not wanting to go for this way of showing off.

[57:49]

Yeah. At that moment. At that moment. In the next moment. In the next moment. The next person does want to show off. And then I just pretend to be the person who shows off. But the way is different from what I did. Yes. Like, if I say now, you know that I'm really the greatest person in the world, and I am totally not into making you believe what they say is somehow true for this person, then I think that is totally perfect to pretend. But if I want to hide a part of myself and therefore give you a story to make you believe I am somebody, then I feel that's not what I want to be. You don't want to do that anymore? I don't want to do that anymore. But again, when you're the person who thinks of doing that, you want to be that person.

[58:59]

That person. But how can I... How can I beneficially... express that person. Well, one way is you could tell me if I was around, you could tell me that you wanted to pretend to be somebody. Yeah. But that is not very impressive. But you know that it would impress you. But if I don't want to be that person. You said it would not be impressive, but you know that I would think that was good. And I would give you a cake for that. So how much of a cake would you like? How much? How much would you like? What kind of cut would you like me to make? What am I pretending to do now?

[60:02]

Do you want a piece of cake? Yes. Oh, great. A quarter. A quarter. So should I cut this way then? Yes. I'll give you the left lobe. You want the middle to go with your thing? Yes. Okay. And you're getting the dot. You're getting the dot. Here you go. That's because you're a very good student. What am I doing with that? Give it away. Thank you very much. Give it away. This one? No. I heard you say that Siddhartha was practicing becoming intimate with himself.

[61:29]

I heard myself say that too. And I heard you say that we can't do it all, we can't be. Thank you. Again, in the lineage of Ajo and so on, you know that lineage? Heard about it? In that lineage, the stories of people practicing by themselves The understanding is that that practice is a practice done by what you might call great successors who have been practicing intimately with a teacher for a long time. Did you say 67? So, they seem to be out by themselves in the mountains, you know, with the pine trees and stuff, but they're just there for their students.

[62:41]

They're totally, they understand that they're not by themselves. You know, or Milarepa was really big on that, right? He's sitting in a cave and like just inundated with visitors. And Shakyamuni, sitting under the boat. Armies are coming to visit him. Plus he's practiced it intimately with teachers for a long time. So the understanding in Soto Zen is that these historical masters who are sitting up by themselves none of them, none of the masters are people who, that was their practice. That was just, after they left their sangha, they're just going, sitting someplace, waiting for the students to come and build another community. They understand. And if you don't understand that you're practicing with all the Buddhas, you should stay in the monastery, they usually say. Until you understand that when you walk away from the monastery, you're still surrounded by intensely by all beings.

[63:46]

But it takes many years of practice before you can really realize that. So then most people have to stay in the monastery a long time. Only these founders are able to go away and be by themselves for a while. And they just sit there and then people sense them and go to them. They sense the magnetism. They sense the invitation. So the Buddha looks like he was sitting alone. He wasn't. Bodhidharma looks like he was sitting alone. He wasn't. And there's also examples of people who went away and sat by themselves too early. And then they get in trouble and they come back to the teacher and say, no, you shouldn't be out there by yourself yet. Some of these people became masters later. They went away a little too early because they didn't understand How to be with beings out in the mountains by themselves.

[64:48]

You're welcome. Besides peace, what would you like? How about that one? This one right here? Like this one like that? Yeah. Could I have a plate, please? Or a napkin? I have a feeling we'll need more than one. Thank you. Okay, ready? Here we go. You are also a very good student. There's another probably good student. There's real pretense going on here. Thank you.

[65:55]

Somebody said, if you're... Do it loud. Okay. I guess this probably is a little diversion from the kind of stuff we've been talking about so far this morning, but what does it mean for the Great Earth to attain the Buddha Way? you might see, as Dogen says, the mountains and rivers of the immediate present are the actualization of the ancient path of the Buddhas. So the mountains and rivers of the immediate present are always, the way they're in their normative position, they culminate the qualities of thorough exhaustiveness.

[67:06]

They're completely in the present. doing their job of being themselves. In this way. That is the Buddha way for mountains. So, in one sense you might say, well, they're already doing it. But in a way... And they always have. You could say, and they always have. But somehow they need somebody to be there and practice in that presence with them. So when we practice this way, they also practice this way. They realize their enlightenment when we practice this way. Rivers that we see are not the mountains or rivers we see. And Dogen says also, avoid deciding that what you see is what you see.

[68:12]

When we avoid deciding what we see is what we see, we open to the mountains and rivers of the immediate present. We, together with them, realize the way. It sounds like this is a mind-only experience. No, no, no. By understanding mind only, you realize something which isn't just mind. We live in the world of mind only. If we can accept that and understand that, we become free of the world of mind only. Buddhas are not confined by mind only. Sentient beings are. So, It isn't just the great earth attaining the way. It's we, together with the great earth, attaining the Buddha way. I was just trying to figure out how the physical earth would attain the Buddha way.

[69:22]

This is how you will understand its way of attaining it. Living in the immediate present. But in order to live in immediate present, you've got to admit that you're living in a dream world too. If you don't accept living in a dream world, then you're just going to be trapped there. But if you accept it, then you're not trapped by it. Like Carolyn said yesterday, if you completely accept your vulnerability, that's the only way to be invulnerable. Your vulnerability will never be destroyed. you've always got plenty of that available. Your enclosure will never be destroyed either. It's just that by accepting it and practicing with it, it becomes turned upside down or turned inside out.

[70:26]

It's transformed. You become a different kind of person who can stand to live in a world with no constructions. Just before you said, like you were talking, for instance, like the prisoner who realizes that the walls can't imprison him or her. Yeah. Right. It's like that. And it's like realizing that once you realize that, you don't really have to leave the prison anymore. It's a monastery. You don't have to leave the monastery anymore. But you can. And so what size of piece of cake do you want? Do you want one, by the way? I do, yeah. Oh, wow. Fabulous. Maybe, you know, like 154 for the total. Okay. That looks just right. No dot.

[71:28]

There's only so many dots. Thank you so much. Thank you. So I'm not sure what words are going to come out, because this is a point for me that I almost want to blank out over. And I didn't realize until yesterday, in the morning because I was in, that December 20th, where I am so happy that so many people are coming to my house, it's so meaningful to me, is also the anniversary of my mother's death. So I didn't remember until yesterday morning. And recognizes I have this terror of doing forms outside, publicly outside. I just have this, I almost, I mean, it's just so huge.

[72:32]

And it feels like too much to ask for the people coming to my house to do one or more. So I think I want to ask for that. Thank you so much. I don't know why it's so scary, but it is. Well, I'm glad you were able to do it, even though you're scary. Thank you. And hopefully they've been well trained. Thank you. We wouldn't want to mess it up, would we? No, messing up is good. Okay, then we'll send some other people too. I need to give my cake away if I'm offered any, so someone else can have my piece. Who wants Elizabeth's piece? Okay. Congratulations, Elizabeth, on another performance of a scary thing. Oh, Abby, here's a microphone for you.

[73:36]

Thank you. you're able to ask for that. And I also appreciate the last two dialogues as well, because when you mentioned leaving the monastery prematurely, I recall that... I didn't say prematurely, did I? Oh, yeah, I did. For those guys who went off and practiced by themselves. Yeah. It's better to, if you leave the monastery, it's better to go into the city where there's a lot of people to bother you. Oh, okay. That's where you're going, right? Yeah, thank you. It's just that you shouldn't go someplace where you shouldn't go someplace, you shouldn't go someplace, you shouldn't go someplace. You're going to be practicing by yourself. Don't go there. If you're going to such a place, don't go. Stay with the people. So if you leave the monastery and go to the mountains, I say don't go. Come back. You're not ready. But go to the city. with your girlfriends and boyfriends hassling you, that's no good.

[74:42]

Because you'll know. You'll know you're with them, which is true. You are. But if you go someplace you think you're not with people, you should come back here as soon as possible. Do you know? That answers my question. That answers your question? That's it. Okay, great. You are welcome to come back. We have more, perhaps, of this. Bye-bye. Thank you. That's all. Charlie, you had enough fun. So last summer, I went and did just what you told us not to do.

[75:49]

And I want to do it again this summer. I went way out into the middle of the wilderness where I was miles and miles away from people to camp. Miles and miles away from people, that's okay. You often are miles and miles away from me, for example. I don't mind. But just don't go someplace where you think you're not with everybody. Well, what I found was... So don't go there. If you think you're by yourself, don't go. I was so wrong. Yes, I felt like I was alone. I was so lonely, I could hardly... You could die. I felt like I could die. The only thing I could do was either lie down or sit zazen. I don't want to go back there again. I really, really, really want to go there. I really, really, really do. I really do.

[76:51]

Well, if you want to do it with my support, then take everybody with you. Pardon? I'll let you know what happens. If you take everybody with you, I support it. If you go by yourself, you're going alone, you've done enough of that. We all have. Doing more of it is just a waste of time. Maybe scary, but you're wasting time. So just get to, you know, pack up your stuff and in your stuff bring everybody. And then I support you. You still might get scared because even with everybody there it's scary too. That's who we're actually scared of. We're scared of everybody. We're not scared of nobody. So... Yeah, so, but bring everybody with you. Okay, we'll be there, yeah.

[77:58]

We'll be there. And what size of piece would you like? Any? Yes. That's amazing. How big do you want? And I want a dot. Well, how about if I just center? I need another knife, please. I need a surgical assistant. Here we go. Well, he's got the dot.

[79:01]

Do you want some more besides the dot? No, that's fine. Now I have a heart doughnut. Thank you for your teachings on Dharmakaya and Milmanakaya. And you had mentioned in those lectures something about Sambhogakaya and you said that you would maybe talk to us about it. Well, Sambhogakaya is what I was just talking to Gary about. That's Sambhogakaya. It's the joy of practicing together. It's the bliss of, you know, everybody supporting you and you supporting everybody.

[80:12]

That's the Sambhogakaya. You know, I Research has been done about this Lo Chana, but I don't really know. I mean, Virochana Buddha is the Buddha which is basically the same as the totality of reality, but I don't exactly know what Lo Chana Buddha is. So if Gary's out there and he welcomes all beings, you know, in that opening, there's a great joy, which will be the reward for that generosity. That's the Sambhogakaya. You're welcome. Specify precisely what you like.

[81:26]

I have no preference. Okay. How about like that? Your cake is very popular. Since we're laughing and having a good time, I asked the Tonto to do me a favor, but he wouldn't because he was afraid it would break the Shingi. I'm not afraid. He knew it would break the Shingi. So I'm asking you if you would give him permission to break the Shingi just once. Can I find out what it would be? Sing a song. In what way is it wishing... Shingi. Singing in public is not allowed in the Shingi?

[82:29]

Unless it's allowed. Oh, well, the, what do you call it, the what? The DFT. I would even give the Tata my piece of cake. The DFT promotes your singing to a ceremony, which you are welcome to perform if you'd like. Yes. So if you'd like, don't feel pressured, please. No. Can I ask a question? Yes, please. Are those brand new shoes?

[83:33]

They are. They're beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, this is a song about the Lotus Sutra, Chapter 20. You can look it up, Chapter 20 of the Lotus Sutra, about my hero, the Bodhisattva that we're disparaging. Oh, I know this song. You sing? I do. I guess that you can't join in. Of course, you can join in on the whole thing. You know it by heart. By this point, maybe some of you are pretty sure. There's a book called The Lovers You Really Don't Know About. holy book that has the power to remove all fear and doubt and this book tells the story of a man who means the world to me who could just as well have been a woman

[84:39]

Male hegemony. They call him the Bodhisattva, never disparage, or the Bodhisattva, never despise. And I'm making it my life's ambition to see the world through his pure eyes. And he says, I will never despise you or keep you out of his lane. Where you only see your weaknesses, I only see your strength. I would never despise you or put you down in any way. Because it's clear to me, I can plainly see you'll be a fool someday. I love you. Now, Bodhisattva, never disparaging, lived Calvus, Calvus in the past. In a time of the counterfeit Dharma, and he was something of an outcast. of his they were noted for their arrogance and vanity and these were the folks who exercised great power and authority but my boy never concerned himself if they treated him like a freak he just bowed to everybody equally and these are

[86:00]

I would never disparage you or keep you at arm's length. Where you only see your weaknesses, I only see your strengths. I would never suffice you or push you down any way. I would greatly seek you only a little bit someday. I love you. He never read or recited the scriptures much. He only liked to practice respect. But the monks and nuns of his day did not act like you might expect. Instead, they cursed him and reviled him. And they wished that he would go. Because they all had self-esteem issues like most everyone else I know. They beat him and pelleted him with clubs and stones. Drive him away, but he'd just run off to a safe distance, and then he'd turn around and say, I would never disparage you or keep you at arm's length.

[87:13]

When you let me see your weaknesses, I let only see your strength. I would never despise you or put you down in any way. And so it went on for years and years, he was the Alphidamus. Yet still our hero shed no tears, nor did he ever wonder what's the use. Until he reached the end of his natural lifespan and he laid down fixing to die. And then he heard the holy Lotus Sutra being preached up in the sky. And his life was extended for millions of years. And he's living to this day. And at the pages of the Lotus Sutra, you still can hear him say, I would never despair of you or keep you at one's length. Where you only see your weaknesses, I only see your strength.

[88:19]

Take that, he's pregnant. I've changed my mind, we don't want to have this case. You don't? No, I do. Which one? I told Leslie I didn't want a piece. You worked up an appetite. Yeah, I guess I did. Which one? Whatever. Please. Okay. New shoes. We'll give you a nice big piece to go with them. Thank you very much, and thank you for your teachings. You're so welcome. I've been wanting to ask you this question since the Chosar we had.

[89:48]

And you said that there's a time you were, I think, in the Zendu, and you were at Hiroshi's feet, and you thought, I could learn a lot from those feet. And if you're willing, I'd love, I'm so curious to hear what you learned from those feet. I didn't say, but I said to myself, those feet can teach me Zen. That's what I said. Well, I learned that this Zen priest, I learned that he washed his feet. And I learned that he trimmed his toenails, or somebody did. So either he or some took care of his feet and kept them in good repair. Because, as you know, in the Zen tradition, in our meditation halls, we walk around barefoot so you can see people's feet. And even though you're not looking around at their eyes all the time, you can see their feet and you can learn their feet.

[90:58]

So I learned those. And, yeah, they taught me... They taught me where I could find the rest of the teacher. All I do is find the feet and then I get the rest of the teacher along with them. Thank you. You're welcome. That was enough cake. Oh, how sweet. Anything else this morning? What is the schedule today? We have about 12 minutes, 12 minutes to 11. The service will be at 11. Okay, and then what happens after that? Then we change our clothes and have lunch. Oh, okay. Please. You don't need it, but we need it.

[92:22]

I have a confession to make. I was the one who took the heart. But I have not. That's why I heard you said to me, take to the back door. It's shared with everybody. That's why I didn't know you're going to use it in a classroom. I said back of the dining room. Yeah, back of the dining room. Back door. This is a dining room. That was my mistake. Did I disappoint you again? I'm very sorry. You never disappoint me. No, it's not true. Would you like it? Yes. Can I do it?

[93:24]

You can have it. No. I want you to have it. No, I don't want to. Why did you take it if you don't want it? No, no, no, no. The purpose is different. If the purpose was back door, then I didn't feel it's not okay. But this is some purpose to it, to share with everybody. Then I feel like I stole it, you know? No, you didn't steal it. Yeah, yeah. You didn't steal it because you thought I gave it. You thought it was a gift. But it's still there. I want to share that gift to everybody. That's fine. You can do that. But I'm going to bring it to the back door after this class. But it's still there. I'm going to bring it to the back door and put it. If you want to do it, that's fine. If you want to give away your heart, if you want to give your heart away, it's okay with me. But it's broken, though. If you want to give away a broken heart, it's also OK. Yeah.

[94:25]

Anything else this morning? Just a second, please. I want to just see what this tastes like. I'll speak up then. Just a second. Maybe it can be turned on. You can use my speaker. When he gave his voice, he gave my talk. He told this story about, you weren't there, so you probably don't know this story. He told this story about his father on the Autobahn, and he said to his father, he wanted his father to stop the car so he could get out. And if his father didn't stop the car, he was going to jump out. So his father stopped the car and let him get out. And when I heard that story, I thought, that explains a lot. Yeah. One morning I was sitting facing out in the zendo as I was in the practice period, and Timo was the tenken.

[95:43]

And he came over to me with the tenken pad and he said, I don't want to tenken the people. Yeah, actually, I don't feel supported to do that. I'm not going to tenken the people. Timo. And I think if you were... I think you were pretending maybe then the same way. I enjoyed it both times. I just wish I'd known earlier. Thank you. Thank you. I also wondered if you thought I was a good student.

[96:49]

It's basically... Okay, it works still? Okay. It's basically like this. No one knows or can know the measure of your merit and virtue. But they might know whether or not I wanted a piece of cake. If you told them that you wanted it, then that would help them. I was trying to hint broadly. I guess I'm not very good at it. Would you like a piece of cake? May I please have a piece of cake? Your broad hint was sufficient. Any particular size or shape? Maybe half of that. Half of this? Yeah. Okay. Everyone's not too greedy, so I think there might be enough here for everybody.

[98:05]

Thank you very much. You're welcome. I think that the people in this practice period are quite good disciples of never disparaging bodhisattva. I think you really do appreciate each other, even though some of the people you appreciate maybe don't appreciate themselves. So, please keep it up. our intention equally.

[98:56]

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