I'll stand up. I thought we could just start from the beginning and talk a little bit about an actual, an action that someone would engage in that would be the stickiness in applying compassion. For instance, I'm a nurse and it happens often to me that I will get attached in a moment to my patient I'm thinking of my compassion. Most of the time it just flows easily in my care, and sometimes it gets stuck on it. What that actually manifests as, and in that moment, some tool that we could employ to unstick ourselves from the Shenpa in a way, and to re-engage in the silence of those actions.

[01:05]

Well, since you've noticed this, maybe you can give an example of where you're offering some kindness and you feel a sticking point. What do you notice at that time? I notice a physical feeling of tightness. There you go. Yeah, tightness. So when you notice the tightness, like I'm trying to, maybe you're trying to offer some, give a gift to the patient of your attention, of your hands, to offer them some service. and then you notice some tightness. So then now the tightness is the patient. Now go to the tightness and offer some gentleness with the tightness.

[02:09]

Don't be overbearing about the tightness and try to get rid of it. Welcome the tightness. Be patient with the tightness and gentle. And then you say, So the tightness may still be there, but there's this other thing with it that's not tight. Just like you can sometimes look at your patients and they're tense, and you sometimes do not tense up when you see their tension. But sometimes when we see someone's tension, we do tense up. So then there's two tense people. But then there's a third presence which is kind and really welcoming to both those tense people. So when you notice the sticking point, and tension's a good sign that there's some sticking, then be welcoming to the tension. First of all, you have to be mindful of it, and now, okay, there it is, and welcome it.

[03:12]

Welcome does not mean you like it or dislike it. Welcome does not mean you're trying to get rid of it by the welcoming. It means you really let it in. You're really ready to enter into the dance with the tension. So if things are flowing, fine. And when the tensions come, these are more opportunities to see if we can dance with the tensions. So if two people are dancing and one of them is tense, that's a different dance from where both are relaxed. But there's two different dances. They look different. But in both cases, there can be a dance. In one case, one person knows the dance and the other one doesn't. So in that case, one's teaching the other one the dance. So the kindness towards attention can teach the attention to dance with the kindness.

[04:16]

It feels like that there is no point in trying to alleviate it but to just be with it because all things do change. You wish to alleviate it but you understand that the way of alleviating it is by really just being with it wholeheartedly. If you can just be wholeheartedly with the tension or the sticking in the wholeheartedness is the dance of the dependent core rising. So just being with it wholeheartedly is the place where the release, that is how the release happens, is in that wholeheartedness with it. Wholeheartedness can also be taken as just pure acceptance. Pure acceptance. But, you know, a whole, you know, pure acceptance means it includes everything about you in it.

[05:24]

Pure acceptance with nothing, no other agenda. Doing that, I kind of also have to accept my imperfections of delivery. Yeah, yeah. and just have the patience to kind of ride it out since it too will change. Yeah. And again things are changing and if we participate with them fully then all this stuff is giving rather than changing and losing. It's changing and giving. Giving everything we've got rather than losing everything we've got. So from most people's point of view they're going to lose everything they have. But we can turn that with this practice and give everything we have. So oftentimes people say, since you're going to lose everything, why don't you give it before you lose it? And again, giving is not to get something.

[06:30]

No gaining idea. No gaining idea. Except when there's a gaining idea. And then give that. Easier said than done, as usual. Very easy to say. It's in the doing. Yeah, right. I just came back from a retreat and people kept saying over and over, it's so hard. This is such a hard practice. It's so hard to make every action for the welfare of all beings. It's so hard. All right. Yeah, yeah, it is hard. Good morning. Good morning. As you continue and try to live... Good afternoon. Good afternoon. For the welfare of others, including yourself,

[07:34]

you may come across some human beings that are overly controlling. Yeah. We don't know any of them. And in their way, as you continue to practice and try to also have compassion with that and love them as well as yourself and others, they may not be satisfied with the means and methods by which you're administering compassion and following your path. So you continue to provide compassion and stay with them, but they really are not that happy. They don't... Until you change your ways. Yeah, right. So, since you have a lot more wisdom than me, I wanted to ask you this. Yeah.

[08:39]

Okay. Well, so part of the wisdom and compassion, part of the compassion... Again, we want to join that with wisdom so that we're giving compassion and they don't like the way we're doing it. So part of what we want to be able to do, part of our compassion is being soft and flexible and saying, you know, I've been attempting to be kind and compassionate with you and you don't seem to be happy with me. Is that right? Right. Do you have some suggestion about some other way I could be compassionate? And then maybe they say that way, and you say, okay, I'll do it that way. And then you do it that way, and they say, well, that wasn't good enough either. You say, well, do you have some other suggestion? They say, yeah, I'm so cute this way. So you try that way. Or sometimes they may say, do you have some suggestion? And they say, yeah, be this way. And you say, oh, no way. I refuse totally.

[09:42]

But you do that, you know, not because you're resisting, but because you want to give them a gift called, I totally won't do that. And you really do feel kind, and you know that this may not please them. But I propose that if they can feel generosity... in your refusing, they will be changed by that generosity. If they really feel like you say no, and you do not expect anything when you say no, and of course people say yes often and they expect something, but when somebody is dissatisfied with you and you ask them what they want and then they tell you and you don't do it, you don't think that that's going to make them happy. But you still have this gift to give them, which is who you are, which is you really wholeheartedly do not want to do what they're asking. But you don't expect to get anything from being yourself, and you give that. And if they keep getting gifts like that, they will learn how wonderful giving is, and they will change.

[10:48]

They may still be dissatisfied with you. They may be dissatisfied with you forever. But they may learn how to be compassionate towards their own dissatisfaction. There's some things which we just find, you know, we're sort of like... We're allergic to them. We just will never be comfortable with them. But we can learn to be kind to our discomfort. And nobody's ever going to be able to make certain kinds of pains really change. Like if somebody's got some diseases, they want you to fix it, and you cannot. But you can teach them how to be kind to their disease, which is really, it's changing, but it's actually often changing into a more and more difficult illness. They need somebody to teach them how to be kind to this illness. And if somebody can fix it, fine. No problem with people fixing things.

[11:51]

But then after they're fixed, then we still have to practice compassion. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. So I have a pretty easy time being compassionate towards other people, other people's humanness and stuff like that. Clearly, to myself, I have more difficulty. Okay, yeah. Talking about that, you know, the hatred and things like that, and I could give you a whole list of the character defects that I... Yeah, I'm probably being kind to. Yeah. Okay. Very much so. Yeah. I was wondering if there's any, I don't know, suggestions to take that internally. You know, I understand the practice and being present, and the practice of sitting in meditation is about me being present with whatever's going on in my world. Well, be patient with... Be patient with your lack of kindness to yourself.

[12:54]

That's an easy answer. It is. Want another easy answer? Sure. Be gentle with your lack of kindness to yourself. Welcome, welcome your lack of kindness to yourself. I've got a friend, he's in therapy, and his therapist keeps telling him, befriend your demons. Exactly. Same basic principles, whatever is going on. Buddha is friends with demons. Buddha's friends with demons. Buddha's friends with non-demons, too. But in a way, the demons get special, you know, get really close to the Buddha. Yeah, they feel pretty close. Yeah. And the closer they are, the more effective will the kindness be.

[13:58]

It does make sense. It does. But I didn't say it was easy. Most things aren't. Some things are easy. I guess that's true. Take that back. Pushing, you know, hating demons is easy. This comes naturally. It's very easy to hate demons. Most people know how to do that. Running out, being afraid is easy. It's painful, but it's easy. Most people know how to do that. But to welcome fear and welcome demons, that's difficult. And that's what the Buddha way is about learning. The Buddha way is not here to teach us how to hate people and to be attached. We're good enough at that. However, we do grow on those problems that we're good at. Those are our challenges. The things we're already good at are our challenges. If they're a beneficial skill, then it's our challenge to give them away.

[15:09]

If they're a non-virtuous harmful activity, then our Our challenge is to welcome them and to convert them by generosity. The first way that these things get converted is by generosity. You mean generosity, like taking the good aspects of my character, giving them away more, is going to teach me to befriend more the fear stuff? Giving away the good things will help you welcome the challenging stuff. And giving away the good stuff is quite challenging, too. People are afraid if they give away their good stuff that they'll lose it. If you give away things, you don't lose them. You actually expand them. They become greater. They blossom in your giving them away. And that will prepare you to welcome the things which aren't good, which are harmful, and vice versa. Some people are actually good at welcoming their negative sides and other people's negative sides, but they're very attached to their positive sides and other people's positive sides.

[16:16]

Some people are fairly unattached to their positive side, but they have trouble welcoming their negative side. We have different patterns of challenge. That answers my question. Thank you. You're welcome. Thanks for your clear voice. Yes. Thank you so much for the beautiful presence of stillness that you are giving away today. And I sure was blessed and honored to be receiving it. And my question is, how do you do that? It's a gift. It's a gift, and I'm grateful for the gift. And actually sometimes I'm ashamed that I forget to give it away.

[17:19]

Because some people have not received the gift and I should give them this gift. And I sometimes forget. Just like people are very kind to me and I sometimes forget to be as kind to them as they are to me. So the universe is very kind to me and has given me stillness. The universe has given me the ability to rest. And I know a lot of people who really have a hard time being still and have a hard time resting. And I'm ashamed that sometimes I don't give my stillness and rest to them. So I'm happy today if I gave anybody some stillness and anybody some rest, because I feel very grateful that I've been given some stillness in this life. It makes all the difficulties worthwhile that I had a few moments of stillness. Now, do you find there is a power that... I feel there is a power that allows the giving.

[18:37]

Do you use that power? There is this power. I don't know where this power comes from, and I don't know if... It comes from the... the rhythmical dance of the dependent core rising of the universe. So it gives its own self that power as it... It's the power of our life together. Compassion is a manifestation of the way we're living together, the way we're arising together with the world. Compassion and kindness are manifestations of that. And part of compassion is giving away whatever we are and whatever we are. Thank you so much. And I wish your wishes for today comes true. It was so beautiful.

[19:38]

I'd like to ask a couple of questions based on the last two questions and answers. The first one is I think there is that sense of befriending your demons. I mean, not I think. We often do hear that. But I'd like to get a sense of what that actual process feels like or how it manifests in the mind. I tend to try and You know, I have a lot of love towards other people, so maybe I will think what I project onto myself, the negative things I might project onto myself. If I weren't me, if I were someone else, how would I love them? And then maybe transfer it onto me. But I don't really know, I don't, I still, I don't really know how it works, to be honest. And I wanted to find out what, when you say, you know, that be kind to the being within you, what does that really mean? Did I say be kind to a being within you?

[20:55]

No, you didn't say that verbatim. What did you just say? I said that. Oh, okay. Yeah. But you said practice or engage with the thought of the welfare of all beings, and all beings include you. Yes. And so... I pick that out as the other aspect of how we feel about ourselves. And when something comes up for that gentleman, or when something comes up for me, I'm not being still, or I'm being too irrational, or whatever it might be. How can I be kind to that person? What does that really... So this thought arises, I'm not being still. That's right, yeah. Okay? Yeah. So then I'm saying, be silent with that. Don't argue with it and say, oh, you're not that, you're not actually, you're pretty still.

[21:59]

No, just, I'm not being still, so be quiet with that. I'm a jerk. Be quiet with that. I'm the best. Be quiet with that. So my grandson's coming to visit today. He often says, I'm the best. So then I try to be quiet with that. And he moves a lot. I try to be still with that. And then we're ready to welcome it, to be generous with it. You can also just try to be welcoming to it, but I just thought I'd set the stage for welcoming by being quiet about whatever comes. So a person comes to you, but then the word may come to you, this person smells really bad, or this person, I feel my body, you know, going into an allergic reaction.

[23:07]

So is it possible to be quiet with this reaction? And I'm saying, yes, I think it is possible to learn to be quiet with a real strong reaction to someone or a real strong reaction to our own conduct. And a strong reaction to our own conduct like, wow, that was great, I did better than anybody. I'm the best. Or, this is really unacceptable and I'm the worst. So, the fact that some things are unacceptable, seem unacceptable, in a sense isn't true. It'd be truer to say, I wish not to accept this. I could accept it, but I actually don't want to. I think it's good for me not to. I think it's good for me to say, I... We often say, I find this unacceptable. Another way to say it is, I do not want to accept this, and I give this as a gift.

[24:12]

But if I think, I do not want to accept this, and I'm not quiet and still with it, it's harder for me to make, I don't want to accept this as a gift. But I don't want to accept this when that arises. It's actually a gift to me. I'm that way. The world's made me this way. I'm somebody who says, I think that's cruel and I want you to stop. I think that's cruel and I want you to stop. I think that's inappropriate. I want you to stop. You can feel that way and think that way. It can be about others or yourself. But for that thing to be compassion, there needs to be silence about it. Like, no comment. Just, this is what's coming. And stillness with it. Then, now I give this as a gift. I'm not trying to control anybody. I'm not better than anybody. This is just who I am. And if it's in me, the same.

[25:17]

If I have a response to something in me, this is inappropriate. What I'm doing is inappropriate. Or, yeah, let's just stay with that one. Yeah, let's stay with it. And be silent and still with my own opinion that what I'm doing is inappropriate. Inappropriate sounds like it's not necessarily compassionate. The word inappropriate is not necessarily compassionate. Sounds like you're doing something wrong. Well, inappropriate, the word appropriate, it's related to the word apropos, which means to the point. So inappropriate means inappropriate to something. So if you're trying to practice compassion, then you may feel like something's inappropriate to compassion. But then we can use that feeling to realize the point. It's interesting because I wouldn't have expected that answer.

[26:22]

I would have expected something very different. I don't know what I expected. And then I just want to say, you said you were given the gift of stillness. I mean, what I mean is I've been given the gift of stillness on a number of occasions. Okay. And then I want to give it away. And then it gets given to me again on other occasions. And I want to give it away. It's not like I'm still. It's not like you were born with stillness. That's what I heard when you said that. Actually, I don't remember what it was like. It's funny, I was just having a conversation with someone about that. I had a very big head. Yeah. And it was really rough on my mother. Okay. No, that hasn't happened. It almost killed her. Wow. And then part of the consequences, my head got highly misshapen.

[27:25]

Okay. Okay. And so I don't know how still I was at that time. I don't remember. I just know it was a very intense period of time there when I was coming out of my mother. And then afterwards, I heard from her that I cried for eight weeks pretty much nonstop. That's extraordinary. Because I was starving. For hunger, for love? You were really hungry. For milk. Yeah. She was trying to breastfeed me, but she... Didn't know how. She didn't know how, but she had really little breasts. So they switched me to a cow. Really? No, I believe that. Yeah. And then I was fine. And then I received, I think I received some stillness at that time. And I calmed down. So I know towards the beginning there, I was doing a lot of crying, according to my mother. And I know that the birth was really, you know, I think they also kind of broke my back when they delivered me with forceps.

[28:30]

So my head was misshapen and my back was, I fractured my lower back. And then I didn't get enough food to meet my sense of how much I needed. So the first period of time was really rough. I don't know how calm I was. I don't really know. But I remember when I was a little boy, I remember periods of being really calm And I remember that I really enjoyed being calm. And I also felt, when I was a little boy, that my calmness was really helpful to my mother. Some people would say, well, that's an example of a boy who was calm because he felt his mother needed it. And I think it's kind of true that I think my mother didn't have the gift of calm. My mother was never calm.

[29:31]

So I think I did feel like, hey, I can give her some calm. And she used to take me with her places to help her. When she was nervous, she would take me with her to help her calm down. And I was happy to perform that service. It's remarkable that you didn't take on her lack of calm, but rather... assuaged it. Yeah, and I really enjoyed, and when she wasn't around, I also enjoyed being calm. I enjoyed like, as a matter of fact, I used to sit in my room and just sit there calmly, enjoying the view from the room, thinking about if Jesus came to visit, would I walk out my window to meet him? Second story window. So I actually did enjoy just sitting in my room quietly when I was a little boy. And my parents thought that was strange. I mean, I did go out and play with the other kids.

[30:33]

But when I came home, I would often just spend long hours up in my room quietly. And they thought there was something wrong with me, so they had my ears tested. Thought maybe I was deaf. And I don't know if they knew about autism in those days, but I don't think they did, so I didn't get tested for autism. But then after my ears were okay, they sent me to a psychiatrist, a child psychiatrist, because they thought something was wrong with me because I was so still and calm. However, my mother would use me as a support if she needed that. And I think I still perform that service in my life now. I think I'm kind of like a bodyguard to people. Like when I was in high school, one of my friends said, you know, we don't ask you to come along to the dances just to help us be calm. We like you, too. But my friends, I think, used to take me places to help them be calm.

[31:41]

And they used to take my brother places to entertain them. So my brother was very entertaining, and my friends used to come over and bother my brother and take him to parties. But if they were scared and nervous, they would ask me to come with them. I made them feel calm. And I'm happy to be used that way in this world. As you were, as evidenced by this woman. But I'm not always calm. In other words, I sometimes get distracted from it. And I'm sorry about that. We forgive you. Thank you. You're welcome. See you.

[33:08]

That's a little distracting, too. That's okay. I was, as well as you were, I was also inspired by your words this morning, and what came up for me is that And when I go to Guy House, I'll be there a week before you are. And I talked to you a little bit about this already. And I'll be there a week before you are. And entering into a period of work retreat for six weeks and then a long period of personal retreat. And so... Because I haven't received your offerings in this form, the spoken form, for a while. And I can be inspired by you whether you're here or not, or whether I'm here or not. We don't have to be in the same close proximity. But what came up for me is, oh, when I'm there and I'm a work retreatant, and I ask this of you, I may not... my time as a work retreat may not be the time that I can come in for the talks.

[34:13]

And as you said, that you were inspired and then you thought, I've been ready and motivated and now I want to go out and practice. In fact, the practice is right here and now. And so the practice is right here and now. And the fuel that's there, the wanting to go into the talks, Yeah, I can see the fuel. I can dance with it. And still there's the wanting to go into the talks. And I may not be able to go into all of them. Still there's that dance partner. Yes, there is. That dance partner. Yes. The wanting, I want to go to the talks. Right. Okay. And the wanting thins out, the fuel dissipates. And then cloudiness comes, you know, the fumes arise. And then I can't hear what's going on around me. So how do I dance with this? And still the question is still there.

[35:18]

You said to me... that if I couldn't come to all the talks, if I couldn't come to all the talks, that I couldn't come to all of them because it might be confusing. And so then, of course, the thought came, no, I won't be confused. But then the thought also came, I may be confused and I can dance with that confusion. And so that question is still there, but also, how do I dance? Well, also the thought comes, I actually do know how to dance with this. But still that question is there. How do I dance with this? I think if I'm dancing with somebody, it's kind of nice for me to say, how can we dance? You know, let's dance, but how? How about this? How about that? I think, how can we dance?

[36:19]

How can we live together? I think that's a good question. I think that's part of the path of wisdom, questions like that. The question. The question, yeah. Rather than, this is the way we're going to dance. But again, you can say this is the way we're going to dance, but as a gift. And then if you make a gift of this is the way we're going to dance, then you say, how are we going to dance? This is the way we're going to sing. That's my gift. Now how are we going to sing? The gift is the compassion. The questioning is the wisdom. The gift is the kindness. The questioning is not sticking to the gift. So let's take care of how are we going to dance. Take care of it, yeah.

[37:23]

Take care of it. Take good care of it. The how. Thank you for that. You're welcome. And it would be really sweet to be able to sit down on the Dharma Talk and buy a house. I hope so. That'd be okay with me. Thank you, Ralph. You're welcome. Do you feel complete? Thank you very much for your talk today.

[38:47]

And I'd like to reiterate the special moments of your piece that kind of filtered through this place, through that space. One thing that really amused me about the talk was the point at which you identified two songs. And part of the dilemma that I face in life, perhaps we all do, is making choices, making decisions. In the context of the Buddha's way, navigating that path, the middle way, between being compassionate, and knowing the way to make those decisions, to work through those.

[39:51]

I found myself as a child sitting one day in a hall without much to do, and I was sitting on a chair, and I just found myself almost paralyzed, not knowing what to do next. and almost overwhelmed with thoughts about, well, how should I know what to do next? What's the best thing to do? What should I do? With no answer. And I guess to this day, I still find myself kind of searching and I'm just puzzled about how you approach these, perhaps those points where, I guess your answer may be just stillness, be with it, feel it and accept it.

[40:55]

And yet, is there some sense in which you exercise control or direct, direct your path, direct your mind or your intention to resolve some doubts or uncertainties about the way? If you find a, what do you call it, two actions appearing to you, two possible actions appearing to you, and if you find a question arising of which way should I go, At that point when you have the sense that you have this question and these two alternatives, if you use the tool of kindness, if you have a tool of kindness towards this question, in other words, welcome this question, welcome the question, welcome the question,

[42:07]

Welcome dilemma. Welcome alternatives, if that's what the situation is. And then you're gentle with it. And you use these compassionate practices. They shape you into a new person. And that new person now can relate to this dilemma without attaching to it. And that person dances with this dilemma. So in recognizing the dilemma, without attaching to it, you're not seeking a resolution, you're not seeking the answer, the best way. Compassion is not seeking anything. It's wanting. It's wanting the welfare of others. It's wanting them to be free, but it's not seeking anything. It's wanting them to be free now.

[43:08]

and in the future, but not seeking anything. It's really welcoming what's going on now. If you want people to be well, then welcome the way they are now. The reason why people are not well is because they're not welcoming what's going on now. So you can teach them that. And if you're a person or somebody else is a person who has a dilemma, if they're attached to controlling it, they're in anguish. Many people come to me with dilemmas, with choices, and they're attached to the outcome. They're attached to making the right decision. So they're in a lot of pain. And if I'm that way, I'm in pain. So then we welcome the dilemma.

[44:15]

We welcome the pain. We welcome the controlling impulse. But we don't try to control them to stop controlling. We don't try to stop them. We don't get nasty about their attempts to control. We give up trying to control the controlling people. Or we give up trying to control those who are trying to control. Or those who think they're in control. We're kind to those who think they're in control. We're kind to those who would like to get control. And we're kind to those who think they could be in control but think they're not. But we're not trying to get in control when we're compassionate. We're trying to give up controlling because we want to help others. And we have the teaching which says, if you give up trying to control, then you will be able to not attach to the controlling or the conditions that are involved.

[45:22]

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. And yet, something that came up for me was, well, if I relinquish control, do I become a puppet of my emotions and my reactions? You become a puppet. Actually, you get ready to be a puppet. If you give up, what did you say you were going to give up? I guess, you know, being concerned that I'll just become reactive to everything and be dominated by... If you give up whatever it was you were talking about giving up, you will become a puppet of the dance of the universe. You will become a puppet of wisdom. Wisdom will come in and take over and you'll just be a wisdom guy. you'll be totally you'll be totally you know you'll be totally at the mercy you'll be totally at the mercy of the Buddhas they'll just like run you around helping everybody all day long yeah it's lovely it's lovely to be Buddha's slave

[46:50]

But we have to give up our stuff in order to let Buddha move in and take over. And then just sort of like be a wise puppet. A puppet of wisdom. That would be a good Buddhist name for somebody. Wisdom puppet. I want to be a wisdom puppet.

[47:18]

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