Now we're coming to a kind of conclusion to our Sashin, our week of gathering and caring for body and mind. And in summary of some of the teachings that have been offered Maybe we can say that the bodhisattva practice is to be wholehearted, to sit wholeheartedly. And thus, in this wholeheartedness, body and mind drop away. To stand wholeheartedly and thus body and mind drop away. to walk and to speak wholeheartedly and thus body and mind are dropping away.

[01:09]

To think wholeheartedly and stand wholeheartedly and speak wholeheartedly means to express the Buddha's seal in your three actions. And when we wholeheartedly and gesture and think these three kinds of karma the whole phenomenal world becomes wholehearted with us. and the entire sky turns into enlightenment and this practice this expression of the Buddha seal in every action resonates back inconceivably and then we together with all things intimately perform the work of the Buddha

[02:31]

And all this, this wholeheartedness, this Buddhist seal does not appear within perception. The Buddhist seal and the way it resonates with all things and receives the enlightened activity of all things and reflects back the enlightened activity of all things to all things and so on, this inconceivable process does not appear within perception because it is unfabricated immediate realization. And it doesn't mean there's no perception, it means all perceptions live in harmony. This state This state is the way perceptions which seem to be disagreeing with each other are actually in harmony.

[03:38]

This state shows the door by which opponents can be dear friends. This state is the state in which there is peace in the present world. If we can awaken to it, we can open the door of it for all beings, with all beings, by all beings. It's like a dance. When we're dancing with each other, if I'm dancing with you and you're dancing with me, I can have a perception of the dance and so can you and people watching us can have a perception of the dance too. But our perceptions are not the dance. And this dance we're doing with each other is the dance of all our perceptions but it itself is not a perception.

[04:50]

And people can have perceptions of this dance. People, I guess, could look at a dance and not see it. Some people look at a dance and see it. Like, I don't know, you know, some people might look at it, for example, two people dancing in the tango. And maybe many people can see that. And many people go, wow, it's so wonderful to see people dancing. Someone else looks and sees the garbage collectors dancing. But I don't see the dance. And in the Zendo, Some people say, why don't we dance in Zendo? And some people say, oh, don't you see? We are dancing. Some people can see the dance we're doing here.

[05:58]

Some people can't. Even those who can see it, their vision of it is not the dance. So this is, just as the closing session, I just open a little door onto the proposal that the vision of how we're dancing all the time, which is a perception and is often called satori, or awakening to the dance, seeing the dance. There is seeing the dance. But seeing the dance, which is wonderful, isn't it nice to see everybody dancing all the time? That's not the dance. So we not only want to open people's eyes so they can awaken to the dance, but in conclusion enter it and forget about maybe seeing it.

[06:59]

You can still see it. So there's a difference between the sage's grasp of the truth, the sage's vision of reality, and the vital way of total emancipation of the Buddha's The Buddha's Bodhi is not seen as the saint's wisdom. They see the truth, but the truth which they see is not the seeing of the truth. Like at the beginning of the Phukan Zazengi, it says, support means pride of understanding, glimpsing the the wisdom that runs through all things. Sounds pretty good. It is. Wouldn't it be nice to see the wisdom that runs through everybody? Good.

[08:01]

And the people who see this are called saints. And we venerate them quite frequently here. there's saints and there's even great saints. And we really, it's amazing that they can see this wonderful through all things. But they're still, in one translation, loitering around the precincts of the entrance. They're still, they're right there, you know, and they have a great attainment, but they haven't yet plunged into. They're still deficient in the vital way of total emancipation. Not totally, they've attained a lot, they're not totally, but they're missing the total immersion of the stupid bodhisattva. And they have quite a bit to teach the bodhisattvas, and bodhisattvas would like to learn from them.

[09:04]

But their satori is not the silent bond among all beings. It's very helpful and it is recorded in our history, of our tradition. And I don't know how many stories happened to Buddha when he saw the morning star, whether it was one or two numbers. Some people say Dogen had billions of Satori's. And that's great, but what's highly valued is the actuality of our relationship. Even if

[10:13]

all the Buddhas in ten directions as innumerable as the sands of the Ganges with their strength and their Buddha wisdom tried to measure the merit of one person's zazen they would not be able to fully comprehend it. And of course that's partly because one person's zazen is not one person's zazen. One person's zazen is one person's practice which is the same practice and the same enlightenment as all beings. That's one person Sazen. So, of course, even all the Buddhas couldn't measure the virtue of the same practice and the same enlightenment as all beings. However, it's a free world for them to go ahead and try to measure it, but they have other things to do.

[11:16]

Now if one, so how do we, how does a bodhisattva practice wholeheartedly or says those who wish to perfect the doors to this virtue practice in ten ways. So when sitting or walking, whatever kind of karma is going on, At that time, Samantabhadra offers ten ways to be wholehearted, ten ways to open up to the same practice of all beings and the same enlightenment as all beings. So when you're sitting For example, make that posture to all Buddhas.

[12:41]

When you're sitting, make that posture a praise of all Buddhas. This little moment of human body posture and offering a gift to all Buddhas. And every moment, if there's any shortcomings in the practice, invite all Buddhas to come. Your confession and repentance of any shortcomings that you see in your practice. in your offering or whatever. And every moment make your body, speech and mind into praise of the virtues of others. Every moment make your body, speech and mind actions requesting Buddhas to teach.

[13:58]

Each moment of body, speech and mind, request Buddhas to stay in the world, in whatever world they're in, not to go away into. Every moment, offer your body, speech and mind karma. to perform practices that Buddhas have performed. And every moment offer all your actions to accommodate to all living beings, to accommodate to their comfort, their ease, and whatever will encourage them to enter the Buddha way.

[15:06]

And finally, this inconceivable virtue that you are practicing, turn it over to sentient beings. At the beginning you turn over your virtue and make it an offering to the Buddhas. This makes it grow inconceivably. And then, after through offering it to Buddhas, then take this greatly enhanced virtue and give all that to sentient beings. This is Samantabhadra's instruction on how to practice wholehearted sitting, how to just sit wholeheartedly, just sit wholeheartedly together with all beings. That's all. each moment with every action.

[16:14]

Again, part of wholeheartedness is to confess that we sense that we're not yet wholehearted, that we miss some opportunities to remember the vast scale of wholeheartedness the extensive range of these vows. We get distracted, we get narrow, and bodhisattvas have also in the past, including our Muni Buddha, have forgotten and narrowed, and then they confessed. the Buddha confessed over and over the shortcomings in the execution of his vows over and over and over inconceivably many times and we can do the same practice and we do do the same practice I see us doing this very same practice

[17:39]

It's just really authentic. And one more story or picture of practice for bodhisattvas is that they practice virtue and they practice virtue and they practice virtue and they practice virtue with some some expectation of results, some expectation of gain, some tendency to try to get something out of life. Bodhisattvas sometimes do this and they confess to do it. And a time comes, like in the story of Shakyamuni, when we realize the emptiness of our virtue. by practicing virtue more wholeheartedly, more and more thoroughly, more and more realizing how we're not doing it alone, the wholeheartedness of our generosity, of our homage paying, and so on, becomes more and more wholehearted, and finally we realize the emptiness of it.

[19:02]

We realize that, for example, in our giving, when we are giving, we're not just a giver. In our receiving, we're not just a receiver. In our being a gift, we're not just a gift. We are always giver-receiver in gifts and nothing can be grasped, nothing can be gained, and nothing can be lost. We realize we patiently accept what Shakyamuni Buddha patiently accepted. the reality that dharma is going to cease. Then we don't practice with gaining idea, and we go back to do the same practices again. So practicing virtue, realizing emptiness, and then continuing to practice virtue. And when we live in a we see some people who actually have some realization of the emptiness of our practice and then they think that they don't have to practice anymore and this is not the correct realization of emptiness.

[20:21]

We feel even more unhinderedly enthusiastic about practicing virtue and feel more that it's just like our breath. And we can't live without virtue when we realize emptiness correctly. We miss it dearly whenever we get a little bit separate from it. This is the correct understanding of emptiness that purifies our devotion to virtue. It makes us easier to practice good than before. which leads to more realization of emptiness and even a more enthusiastic and tranquil unconstructedness and stillness practice of virtue. So round and round, practicing virtue, realizing emptiness, practicing virtue, realizing emptiness,

[21:25]

When we first practice virtue, even quite wholeheartedly, we may think that some things are not virtuous. We may think some things are not the practice of the Buddha way. But as we purify ourselves from any substantial ideas, we can then see how the children in the sand moldings, shrines, and stupas for Buddhas are realizing the Buddha way. Children If they have any idea of the self of sand and Buddha, then they may think that their practice of making sand is something other than the realization of the Buddha.

[22:39]

They may understand that the making of the mound is the Buddha. So that's my story this morning and I welcome your feedback. I would like to actually share something with you.

[23:45]

I shouldn't sit here? Okay, thanks. You can stand there now. Yeah, that's okay. I feel like a performer that way. Okay. I'm trying to find the right word how to start this story. I'm going to tell the story, but the words don't come out quite the same. I worry about awakening, quite frankly. It's about chasing enlightenment so much and so hard, and then finally seeing the joke.

[24:57]

And I would like to share a selfie with you. So about five years ago, a high-tech job and well-paid job, and I was at home for a couple of weeks or so, A few funny incidents started happening in my life where my wallet and all the cards and everything. And so I couldn't get my money or from the bank where I did my banking normally. And it was quite funny where, I mean, the question came up. I was like, who am I? I don't have this plastic thing to show that I am who I say I am.

[26:09]

And even though the tellers knew me, they couldn't give me my money because I don't have a card. And so the whole question of who am I, like the way we view ourselves in society according to symbols or pieces of paper came up. And because I quit my job, people asked me, what do you do? And before that, I was like, this is what I do, and I gave my job description. And it went really deep, kind of like I stopped knowing who I am, and I knew that actually that time in my life, feeling had happened from past traumas and things like that. So I thought. And healings did happen. It's just like I thought like it was over and to realize differently afterwards.

[27:15]

And two weeks later I was in the shower and got into deep meditative state. And I never meditated before so I didn't know what it meant. But it happened quite naturally for me, I guess. I mean, lots of time in my life before that. To call it meditation. So as if I was in communion with God inside, you know, the inner voice. And... Like, you know, tell me what to do and I'll do it. Anything. I just, like, need to hear the guidance. Where should I go? What should I do? And I really was desperate for guidance, what my life is going to look like.

[28:16]

And my aim, which was, be the light. And I immediately shrank and I said, anything else but that? And since I was born in Israel, we haggled quite a lot. And I really tried to... That sense of presence was there, not saying anything. And for a couple of days, I was walking with it. I was just like, please, something else. I knew what I was for, and... Today's idea, I said, like, okay, I have no clue how it's going to look like. I have no idea what it means, even, quite frankly. No clue. But I'll do it.

[29:17]

In the conscious mind, I didn't know what it meant. Something deep inside did know what it meant. It's really wanted all my life and everything to give back to life And since said yes like things started happen really quick in my life like a week later I met And that time I thought it was synchronicity, you know In the bus they looked at things as coincidences and then it was synchronicity then it was I But that happened later. And one flow of life. So I met this alchemist who came to teach healing with energy. And I spent a couple of weekends with him studying that thing. Back to France. He lived in France. It was his first visit to the U.S. And quite frankly, when I met him the first time, it was a very interesting meeting because he sat across the room and I was the first person to enter the room.

[30:35]

And the immediate knowing was like, I need to wake up. I knew I need to be awakened, I need to remember something. And then he left to France, but before he left, I asked him if I would feel like studying with him, will he teach me? I needed to make a comment, like, not truly committed, but he'll teach me something like that. So he left, and I started working with whatever I've learned from him internally, kind of like, and Quickly, I realized that, I guess, like, the healing was very natural, and I could, from working, in self, like, working with energy, which was like the framework, or getting in tune to energy envelopes.

[31:39]

For me, it was just to go to a deep place within myself and set intention, and that was the end of it. and remembering some past lives started coming. And what I saw was like, I'll share with you one story. I never published to anyone that I can do those things. I never wanted to claim any fame or anything like that, but there was a woman in the dance community which I was part, She was diagnosed with cancer, breast cancer. And she asked for help with the healing of that, so for people to pray, and I went to this inner state and released this request, and the inner knowing came of, if she won't change the mind that creates it, it's going to come back. And I really wanted to work with her about it, and

[32:46]

She just disappeared. She didn't come back to the dance anymore, but it was known that the biopsy came positive, negative or positive. She didn't have any. And so five months later, she comes back asking for another prayer from the community and saying that the breast cancer came back and now they're going to take off her both breasts. And she asked for another prayer. So the second time I went to that space of inner knowing, and I didn't know how to call it. I mean, my own vocabulary was connected to the grid. Felt like in dark space, just energy. And there was intention. And... So the inner knowing before I set the intention to release, I mean to heal her, was if you will pray now, they won't find anything in the biopsy.

[33:56]

And I said, okay, it's the chemotherapy at least. And I knew that I need to talk to her, but she again disappeared and she didn't reply to phone calls or anything like that. And a few months later I found out that Actually, they didn't find anything in the biopsy, and she became even more bitter about what happened. And from that point on, I realized that healing the body is really not my inner calling here to do on this planet anymore. It's more helping it wake up to itself and then go beyond that. So things happened, you know, like the inner chambers of inner knowing unfolded like in immense speed because I put all my life into it.

[35:02]

And so there was a point I heard the inner calling to go to France and study with the alchemist. Inner calling was to sell my house and I had no clue what it is. I knew that I need to wake up and decided to sell my house. I had no clue for how long it's going to last. So I called him up and said, hey, I'm coming. couple of weeks and I would love to study with you. I bought the tickets and I'm selling my house. And his response was like, I don't know if I'll have time for you and things like that. And the immediate response inside of him, you know, like I have a ticket and I'm coming.

[36:03]

I mean, I was planning and the whole thing. And And then the inner quietness came, which was like, it's okay. I'm innerly guided to go there. And I have no clue how it's going to unfold, but that's where I need to go. And with that quietness, I went there, and for four months I was having all sorts of experiences. And only after four months, I started seeing him and studying with him. I spent with him was about 14 days total. It was like every few weeks I met, every few weekends I went for a couple of days. So the only thing I really wanted is to wake up. I mean, I really couldn't care about anything else. And at the beginning of the process, I was watching the mind as an enemy.

[37:08]

You know, like, this darn mind, what it's doing, the stories it tells me inside. And then there was a point where there was communication with the mind. I can't do it. I can't do it. And inside I was like, what do you mean you can't do that? This lying mind. But a couple of days later... Excuse me. I wondered if I just want to check in with the... How are you feeling? Okay? I lost a bit my sense of presence. Thank you. What did someone say over here? I wonder if there's a question. Pardon? I wonder if there's a question.

[38:11]

Is there a question? No, the reason to question. My question is what happened. Would you like to hear the rest of it? I'd like to know... It's not that I have an agenda to share. I just want to share this story. But I don't have to. What do you really want? I just want to share with you this story. Nothing more than that. And I guess I feel that you guys don't feel like listening.

[39:12]

And that's okay with me. It's completely okay with me. Okay. I don't know that I know how to do it now. What's that? I guess it's sharing personal.

[40:42]

like waking up to see that the I that I perceived myself to be, I realized it could never wake up. And then, sitting with that, awakening happened. And for as long as there was a me striving to wake up, it just didn't happen. And afterwards, going from that state of like, I'm trying to wake up seeing awakening and then falling back to sleep, even though there was like impersonal consciousness awake at that time. So I want to share that whole process, how it unfolded for me. Lots of us people here, even though the tribe was sharing that if we give an offering but we're expecting anything, it's not going to happen.

[41:57]

And I want some experience of that, of how it unfolded for me. to bring it down to earth of a personal experience of how it happened. But again, if you guys don't feel it, and ladies don't feel like it, I'll be more than happy to just surrender the mic and sit in my place. The eye that wants to wake up will never wake up. I have a question.

[43:14]

How can we act wholeheartedly if we don't have control over our actions? How can we act wholeheartedly if we don't have control? Because we don't have control is how we can act wholeheartedly. Who acts there? Who is it who acts there? Who is it that acts? In the wholeheartedness? You just said it. The world-honored one acts in wholeheartedness. You're letting your relationship with all beings act through your body, speech, and mind. All beings are supporting you to think what you're thinking.

[44:17]

And that's wholehearted thinking. All beings are supporting you to have a posture right now. So what's the effort then that I have to make? It's the effort you're making right now. This is the effort you're making. Do you feel it? Yes. And if you feel it, not exactly feel it, but if you allow it and you allow how you're supporting all of us by you standing there, your upright posture supports all of us, that's wholeheartedness. the way we're supporting you to stand there, and the way you're standing supports us, and you're not in control of it, and neither am I. But we're all contributing to it, we're all responsible for it, and you are receiving it and giving it back to us, and you're not in control, and you're totally responsible. That sounds like a contradiction, but I guess... Yeah, I can see how that might sound like a contradiction, but giving up control is required in the process of wholeheartedness.

[45:35]

I've noticed that. I should say giving up trying to control. And you've noticed that, have you? You're welcome. I wanted to confess to the assembly that when I think of all beings, I notice that I have a tendency to skip over the beings in whatever room I'm in and move on to beings more abstract and less idiosyncratic. So I want to apologize to all beings in this room and thank you for your help.

[46:36]

out to me yesterday, very kindly, that I did something that merited an apology to the assembly. So the role of the kokyo is to present the voice for the assembly. And so at the end of lunch, the last chant, I altered some words in the chant to express my gift. And it felt, these are my words, but the person who brought this up to me said it felt a little bit like I was absconding to make a personal and felt neglected and not part of the chant. So I don't know how anyone else felt about it, but anyone that felt neglected or uncomfortable, it isn't their right, I think, to do that.

[48:01]

So I apologize. I thought it was great. You said you liked it a lot. Was there a question about that? Pardon? Oh, she, at the end where she said, she changed the word to offering. She said offering. Thus we bow to Buddha, she said, thus we make offerings to Buddha. And she changed, yeah, she changed. And I changed because I was nervous. Pure became clear. Pure became clear because of nervousness. Frederick, would you let Aniko go first?

[49:01]

It's okay. She was coming. I would like to offer you to dance. I would like to dance for everybody. And with the second dance, I would like to ask you that may you help me to dance the second dance with me. A second dance with you? Yes. What dance would you like to do? And the first, it's a music with Bach, Bach music, and the second is from a tango music, from Astor Piazzolla, and you would like to enjoy. And how would music be played?

[50:03]

Is it in your mind? No. No, we have a CD here. Thank you.

[51:37]

Thank you. Thank you. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

[53:30]

I don't know. I don't know. Thank you for watching. Thank you.

[55:15]

My name is Dr. Dr. Lai. I am a student of [...] Dr. Lai. What's your top five favorite things to do in your day to day life? What's your top five favorite things to do in your day to day life? What's your top five favorite things to do in your day to day life? That's what I'm talking about.

[56:41]

I don't know. [...] I don't know what to say. You're the one who got me to do this job. It's the best thing I've ever done.

[57:41]

This job is so fun, and it's so easy to get through, and it's so easy to learn. It's so easy to get through, and it's so easy to learn. It's the best thing I've ever done. It's the best thing I've ever done. um So I have what may be a short question and then a short poem that I'd like to offer.

[59:14]

At first I did just want to offer thanks for in particular of making offerings to all Buddhas and also that I appreciate your courage for teaching it. I definitely can understand not wanting to put people off with this kind of a teaching. And I think even if you had asked me before I came to this practice period, would you like to hear lots of teachings about making offerings to Buddhas, I would have said, no thanks. But now I'm very grateful for it, so thank you for teaching it. So the question is, we chanted the Diamond Sutra, So the second part of the Buddha's answer there is that bodhisattvas, when they practice giving, should give gifts that are unsupported by any sight, sound, taste, touch, smell, mind object. Is this the same as giving without a gaining idea, or is there something else going on?

[60:21]

And a short poem just as an offering there. popped into my head a second ago. Unfortunately, I don't remember who wrote it, but it was from a little book of modern Japanese tanka. Tanka is like a haiku, I guess, except I think it's 31 syllables instead of 17. I think sometime early 20th century, maybe. So I offer it to all Buddhas, along with all of my gaining ideas about offering it. I offer all that to the well-being of all beings. So the poem goes, Idiot that I am, I've taken my umbrella to a bicycle shop for repairs. Oh, yeah, Frederick.

[61:37]

Go ahead, Frederick. You were on deck just before, on the call. I hope I can get through what I'd like to say to the Sangha. I've had a very difficult week during the practice, and I'd like to borrow from a couple of traditions that have meant a lot to me in offering my confessions. I guess it is Sunday. And yesterday I realized that I'd like to offer by saying that my name is Frederick and I'm an addict. And I'm an addict to doing things the way I'd like to do it. and it didn't work for me. I missed a couple of practice periods and somehow I managed to find a sports page.

[62:51]

I was just leafing through the San Francisco Chronicle and there was the sports page. It's not okay for me to not be in alignment with the agreement that I make with people that I care a lot about. And I'm going to talk a little bit about a beautiful family that I have back home. So yesterday I decided to ask for the support of the Buddha as I was sitting. And just since yesterday, I've really noticed a substantial difference.

[64:00]

in being able to hold the form as I've given away trying to do it in a seeming way on my own, that I've been, you know, on time and the various other aspects of doing this practice period have been much easier for me, but what has been easy for me is to sit upright as I've seemingly let go of having to do it my way, And I came here wanting to have a relationship with There's a six- and a nine-year-old in my life. And they're the daughters of my partner's middle daughter.

[65:05]

So my partner has three daughters, and they're all grown. I never wanted to have children. I didn't want the responsibility of raising children. So I started coming to Green Gulch in 1991 and soon thereafter I found this dear woman who's been in my life since then. And I finally decided through a lot of your encouragement to just stay and face what has been my fear. And I have this really loving woman in my life, and the children, these grandchildren of hers, have been so challenging for me. And they're very dear, sweet, six- and nine-year-old girls, as you can imagine. About five years ago, I asked you during... uh, what do I, how can I, um, be with, uh, you know, these two and Eric, maybe two and four at the time.

[66:08]

And you said, Frederick, uh, do you want freedom? And I said, yes. And I, and you said, uh, no, I mean real freedom. Yes. And you said, well, just love them. Um, So I've really tried to do that. But now it doesn't feel like I need to try. It just feels like I have this presence that I want to see them and I don't need to try. It feels like my heart is open to them, like my heart is open to the family that I had had that has now passed away, the family that did not like my couple years working for Greenpeace, you know, my uncles and aunts that did not like my left-leaning.

[67:11]

So they've taken their lives, they've taken our disagreements to the graveyard, and I've not had that. And so now, as a peace activist and someone who cares deeply about the shape of the world and the shape of my family, the shape of my heart, I want to try and really live that place of peace in the heart that I can be with not only the six and nine-year-old, but with people that I really have a disagreement of opinion with. After how we're just disagreeing on opinion, it may be a great issue that I've had a lot of disagreement with my family that I grew up with. and like probably neighbors in my community, I'd like to take a hold of work in my life with my heart and try to make a difference in that way.

[68:18]

So... Lastly, I so deeply thank all of the residents who've been here since I started coming in 1991. And could you just raise your hands if you've been living here in the community since 1991? No, Susan, you weren't here then. Linda Ruth, were you here then? I so deeply thank you because all of you have made such a difference in my life. I'll go home and tell people about this with 80 people in California and black robes and black pajamas. And this place has meant the world to me. So thank you very much. Does everybody see the candle that's lit?

[69:46]

There it is. There's, I think, many stories in this candle, but last night it told me a couple. It was after the last period of Zazen that all the Zendo sleepers come back in and make their beds and get ready to go to sleep. And I noticed I was the first one back in after the last period of Zazen. And I set my bed, hopped on the Sesa bench. And I started sitting, kind of expecting that other people would too, given that it was last night of Sashin. And I was staring at the wall, as usual.

[70:59]

And the lights were on. They're dim pretty low. And I noticed a few footsteps kind of creeping through the door, coming to their beds and Thought people might have been sitting, maybe a few. And then as usual, somebody comes and turns the lights all the way off. And you could sit in the dark, which is very different. But... Fifteen minutes would be in the dark or so. Somebody came up and struck a match and lit the candle. And the speed of light was not, it was very abnormal at that time. How it just, I stood over and the way it just creeped up on the wall like a caterpillar.

[72:05]

Very slow. So soon thereafter, another story came. And everyone is invited. All are welcomed. The invitation says, bring yourself as you wish. One will come. And after everybody has arrived at the party, the host slips away on the hillside and gazes down on the crowd with meaningless care. I have a short question that we have been receiving this week.

[73:44]

Could you hold it closer to your mouth, please? Yeah. I didn't bring my trombone, so I'll just ask the question. The sutra for the lecture, the first line, The first line, is that better? It says something like, we vow throughout countless lives. And I'm struggling with a confusing part of that because there's we, or I, and then there's throughout countless lives. What does that mean? I don't remember any previous lives, and I don't know about any future ones.

[74:48]

And my understanding of rebirth has always tended toward... the abstractions of, well, it's, it's our energy that goes on or it's our deeds that go on or something like that. And, um, and I've, I've heard many, many people say, well, it's not a self that goes on. It's not you. But then there's this line right at the first that we throughout countless lives. So what does that mean? I'm wondering how I can respond to this without saying too much. I guess I would just say that there is a basic teaching which is that karma has consequence. So it's a basic teaching of causation, that what we think are karma has consequence.

[75:55]

So right now I want to think something, I want to make a vow because of the teaching that the vow I make now will have consequence. and whatever I think now will have consequence. To join that teaching and I want to say something now that I think will have good consequence. And I want, the consequence I want is the welfare of all beings. So I want to hear the true Dharma. I want to hear the true Dharma. I promise to devote my life to hear the true Dharma. Right now, I promise to devote my life to hear the true Dharma because I think, I think I understand that that will be beneficial. And I vow to do

[76:59]

through countless lives of countless beings, I want this practice of being committed to hear the true Dharma. I want it to propagate. It doesn't last. It's just that it has consequence. So now I want to do something that will have a good consequence. So I want to vow to hear the true Dharma. And I also want to mention that I want this, the consequences of this, to go through innumerable lives. As long as there's lives, I want the consequences of this kind of vow for innumerable lives. Even this life doesn't belong to me. But I want, I want, there's a desire in me right now to hear the true Dharma in order to maintain the true Dharma, in order to maintain the Buddha way.

[78:04]

And I feel comfortable adopting Dogen's view, way of saying it, that it isn't just this life that I want to be imbued with this vow. I want innumerable lives, as many lives as there are available of this vow. And we can talk more in the future about theories of rebirth, if you can take care of your health and mine. And when you read to us from the Lotus Sutra, offerings the Buddha made throughout many lifetimes, was it? Except it wasn't the Lotus Sutra. It's called the Buddha Womb Sutra. And that chapter is about his long, innumerable eons of practicing offerings to Buddha. So that was in that Buddha Womb Sutra.

[79:06]

So the Lotus Sutra talks about offerings, and this one is Buddha talking about his own personal history of making offerings to Buddhas. His own personal history? Yeah, yeah. Person, the Buddha, the Buddha Shakyamuni is Buddha in the form of a person. I thought you meant the previous lives were... Okay, well, I'll keep working with that. Okay. I'm trying to understand Rayyan's question. She said, how can we be wholehearted if we have no control over our actions?

[80:08]

She said, how can we be wholehearted if we have no control over our actions? The other day you mentioned actions of body, speech, and mind. Yeah, actions of body, speech, and mind. So which of those do we not have control over? We do not have control over any of them. Those three types of karma, we are not in control of any of them, but we are responsible for them anyway. We do respond to those three, and we respond to those three by more karma in three styles. So I would say that in order to be wholehearted, we have to give up trying to control. We don't actually have control to give up. We have to give up trying to control.

[81:09]

And if the karma that arises in us is the karma in the form of, I'm thinking that I would like to be careful talking to Blen. I'm not in control of that thought. I can't have that thought without Blen. So Blen supports me to have a thought, I would like to be careful in my relationship with her. I might also say I want to be kind in my relationship with her, but I'm not in control of the karma. That's a karma. thought of I wish to be kind in our relationship, that's a karma. That's a karma of thought and now I said it, so it's a karma of speech and also I'm making gestures right now in relationship to it. Those are karmas of body, of posture. Control of these, and I find that the more I give up trying to control my karma, the more present I am with it, And the more I open to realizing how it's supported, and the more I realize how it's supported, the kinder it gets.

[82:17]

When we realize how all beings support our thoughts, our thinking, our story, our story becomes more and more kind and light and open and fearless. If I think, if I have a story, and I think in the story subplot that I made this story by myself, then I'm afraid of other people. I'm afraid they'll like my story or they won't like my story because I think I made it by myself. But when I realize my story, even if you would make me have a bad story, I would carefully share it with you knowing that we created it together and that I also contribute to your stories. So I'm responsible for my stories even though I don't make them by myself but I receive them and I can give them and I don't give them by myself.

[83:23]

So I don't think I'm in control of my karma but I do feel like if I give up trying to control my karma it's very closely related to feeling supported by everybody when I think of everybody, I give up trying to do things by my own control. For example, being in the position of leading a retreat or meeting with many people in Doksan. If I think of doing those Doksans by myself, I feel sick. If you had to meet with all these people by your own power, that you might feel not so good. Can you imagine that? I've thought that way a few times. I gave it up because it's nauseating and horrifying. I don't think that way anymore. That's been burned out of my mind. Now I think of meeting with people through the support of all people, I meet with all people.

[84:33]

And I meet with them the way they support me to meet with them. And they meet with me the way we support them. We're doing this together. I'm not in control. And the more I'm open to that, the more I feel wholehearted. My karma feels more and more wholehearted because this story in my mind that I'm telling right now is not my story. It's just a story that I can hear and tell you. But I need to give up trying to control in order to open to how wonderful it is, not the story necessarily, but the way everybody's helping me tell it is what's wonderful. And the way the telling of it is helping everyone is wonderful. I want to open to that reality. It is to give away the trying to control or the idea that I'm in control of my destiny, So I'm not in control of it, but I'm totally responsible for it. And so are you. You are responsible for me.

[85:35]

I am responsible for you. Does that help you at all? Could you put that closer to your mouth? I'm wondering, so there are actions of bodies, speech and mind. basic so are you saying that actions of body and speech originate from thought and we have no control over thought so therefore we have no control over actions of We have no control, right? We're not in control. Because they originate from thought, and we have no control over that. And the thought originates from all beings who contribute to our thought. And all beings includes all the past so-called blends, in your case, and my case too. All the past karmas, all the past stories.

[86:40]

are contributing to your present stories. That's why you might hear about a story that you'd like to have be your story, but your past stories are going to have to cooperate with the present story for it to happen. So it's all beings, including your whole history, your whole come together to give rise to your present karma. And your speech and your postures come from your present story of your relationship with the world. Like right now you might have a story that it's okay if you don't hit me with that microphone. Somehow that story has arisen in your mind apparently. Yeah, story meaning thought, body meaning body, speech, and mind. Mind doesn't mean just consciousness. It means the creative, active part of consciousness is the karma. That's why karma means action. So it's the activity of karma. And the activity of consciousness is to construct

[87:45]

a representation of our relationship with the world. We always have a little picture of our relationship with the world at the given moment. Every moment we got one of those, that's the current karma. But I'm responsible for that. I make it myself. But by taking care of that story kindly, the story evolves into better and better stories and the vision and awareness of the story evolves clearer and clearer. until we realize the emptiness which opens us to the wholeheartedness of the story and the wholeheartedness of our actual relationship with all beings. You're welcome. I have a small offering to the congregation in view of Christmas that's coming up.

[89:11]

It's something I read in... A lot of Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. He quotes another ancestor and he says something that really struck me. The essence of Buddhism is do all good, do no evil. When I practice making offerings to Buddhas, or try practicing it, it seems that I'm making offerings to imaginary Buddhas.

[90:21]

And I feel a kind of imaginary devotion to these Buddhas and the ideas I have about them. I don't think that's really the practice. That's the ceremony of the practice. That's the ceremony of the practice. And the ceremony of the practice and the practice are not at least a bit separate. So if I just say to the Buddhas, I offer you this story or whatever it is I'm offering, that's still the practice? That's the ceremony of the practice. That's your own sort of cognitive version of the actuality of making offerings to Buddhas. The relationship is not the ceremony we're doing of our relationship right now.

[91:28]

if you come and see me and we do a ceremony together, a meeting, that's a ceremony of our relationship. Our relationship is not just that ceremony we're doing. And your karmic version of your relationship with Buddha is not the totality of your relationship with Buddha. It's just your own conceptual version of it. That's right. But if you don't align and use your conceptual process to celebrate your relationship with Buddha, you won't realize your relationship with Buddha. But your conceptual or imaginary version of your relationship with Buddha is not your relationship with Buddha. It's part of it. And it's not separate from it. But as you more and more do your cognitive relationship with Buddha, the relationship with Buddha gradually starts to sink into you. And finally, although you don't know what it is, you're just full of it.

[92:30]

But if we don't practice the ceremony of our relationship with Buddha and our relationship with each other, go to our friends and say, excuse me, may I talk to you? You know, that's a ceremony of our relationship. You know, it's a karmic version of our relationship. If we don't make everything we do with each person, you know, of accommodating to sentient beings, a ceremony, a ceremonial enactment of our devotion to all beings, we won't realize our actual devotion to all beings. And similarly with Buddhas, if we don't enact We may miss the fact that our real life is making offerings to Buddhas. We are doing that. We have such a life. And Shakyamuni Buddha practiced the ceremony of offering to Buddha and he practiced that for incalculable eons.

[93:43]

He practiced the ceremony of making offerings to Buddhas. until he finally realized. But he did it with gaining idea because he didn't yet fully realize what it was to make offerings to Buddhas. And finally he met and after all that ceremonial enactment of it he realized the totality, the completeness of the offering to Buddha. And then there was no possibility for gain anymore. and it fully realized in him. And then, okay, you're going to be Shakyamuni. So what you're doing is, again, necessary enactment in the realm of karma of your relationship with Buya, which is not just in the realm of karma. Thank you. You're welcome. Jiaoju said, I don't like it when people say Buddha.

[95:06]

What do you say? I don't either. Thank you. Okay. I'd like to share my notes I wrote during this practice period. And it hasn't composed as a poem yet, so I want to present as notes. And these are my story about gifts I received from you. Let's do dishes if you are sitting in a zendo because I want to see you smile and hear your laughter again.

[96:27]

Even after your head becomes drowsy from long sitting, please not to be fooled by the fox who tells you he's your teacher. He will sneak up your behind and smack your head while goose are flying away. After the session is over, let's have some tea and discuss the moon over the mountains until our words are exhausted. We may then see the true person in and out between me and you after all. Can we run through the kale field with you again? Oversized work boots, splashing mud. Somewhere in the field, I saw the door round and open.

[97:30]

I want to meet you there, if you like to. Your song made me smile. Reminding me of summer in the Midwest. Fireflies, thunderstorms, cicadicles, where I belong, hot and humid. I don't intend to preserve this moment in time. Things are arising and ceasing each moment without my will. Just, just I am not. ready yet to say goodbye to you. Meanwhile, I am sitting on a cushion, feeling that disappointment fills whole my body, and I vow with all beings to be intimate with this heaviness of my unstealthful action.

[98:38]

The words from the old sage, just this person. Thank you all. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. From second session, a song was running in my head, and I thought maybe because it had something to do with the rain or the ephemeral nature of life, I thought that might be the reason.

[99:55]

But in second period, I understood the reason. I was thinking about our friend Fu and her mother passing and how painful it is to lose a mother. And the thought occurred to me, I hope she had time to say goodbye to her. And then I realized that I hadn't had time to say goodbye to my mother. Although we were very close, I was not in the country. I spoke to her on the phone, and the next day she was in a coma. And when I got home, she was still in a coma. And she had an honor guard of her children and grandchildren by her bed. And I recited the Heart Sutra to her over and over again. But I never got to say goodbye to her. And I realized the song that was going through my head was a song that was from a very good friend that died about 15 years ago, a real bodhisattva.

[101:05]

And it was a song of goodbye. And I realized the problem with not getting to say goodbye is that it leaves you with a kind of regret and a kind of looking backwards. I would like to offer that song to this Sangha because I don't want any regrets. I'm so moved to be with you all and to share this practice with you. And so I want to offer this song to you as my goodbye. Witness this song as my goodbye to the world because I want to try to live as much life as I have without regrets and without the feeling that I wish I had said goodbye. It's not a long song. Can you hear me in the back if I don't use a microphone?

[102:08]

My friend and companion, When I walked in, he didn't wear his shoes, he didn't carry a cane. He passed through the gate on the day the plum blossomed. He said, don't you wait up, I'll be back as the rain. Now the wine glass is broke and the bottle's upended The ashes are cold where there once was a flame Out in the green woods the birds are calling Saying don't you wait up he'll be back as the rain So dust off the keys of the upright piano. Slap tambourines while the phone blows.

[103:22]

The blossoms don't mourn in the ices of winter. We don't mourn for a man who lives life as he chose. There's a new glass in the roof and streaming. She can lie in the bed and see star-shot domains. In the dreams of his wife, she is there, fair and handsome. And he's laughing and singing, I'll be back. Fog is the breath of the mountains at morning. We're passengers all on a runaway train. The buck and new velvet and the baby are born. We're all standing in line to come back as the rain.

[104:28]

So dust off the keys of the upright piano. Slap tambourines while your phone blows. The blossoms don't mourn in the ices of winter. We don't mourn for a man who lived life as he chose. Rev, I've got to tell you that I have issues with your teaching.

[105:33]

And it's a good time to tell you because we're pretty light-hearted right now. You're desecrating Dogen. I don't want to use this. Can you hear me? Yeah, you can hear me. That suture we read, Self-Employing Samadhi, I think it's one of the most beautiful scriptures in Zen. And one of the really beautiful things about it is that it's saying, forget the scripture, have it. Get the real thing, you know, get it, get it, sit, sit. When you meet somebody who has it, sit. That's what he's saying. And you're saying, burn incense, wave flags, make a mound of rocks in the playground. You know, I don't know why. I have this whole freaking hand of stuff you're giving us. And it pisses me off because...

[106:36]

I think if you really, if you have it, and I do see you, I mean right now you've got it. You do. There's something else I wanted to offer. This is something that comes from Carlos Castaneda, invoking Buddhas. Well, this is where that lineage invokes that. And it's really simple. And we can all do it together. And I'll make a demonstration first, and then we'll all do it. And the word that we're going to give to it is intent. It's your beckoning beat camp.

[107:42]

And if you learn this move, it's extremely powerful. Like I used it before the Sashin, and it really helped. And it's very simple. You start with your left hand out. I'll show you how you sweep down, up, down. Feel like you're clean. You're open to that side. And then you turn to the right side, and it's down, up, down. When you go to the side you started, and you bring the energy up over the top, and you draw both hands up, and then you're ready to offer this. And then we're all going to say together, intent, and we'll bring it in, and with the breath, we push it down. Yeah. And doing a group like this, as we are now, it's very, very powerful. Okay, so we'll do it. Wait. We'll be at a sign. All we say is we open our arms.

[109:16]

Yes! I was sitting and trying to decide whether or not I would share this particular story with you. It's personal. I was thinking maybe I would do it in a dokasan with you, and then I thought, no, maybe I want to thank everybody with tremendous gratitude for because of something that occurred to me here with your help. And when I was in my 20s, I tried a lot of times to be pregnant.

[110:25]

I had miscarriages, and I had a stillborn baby that I'd carried to term. And I was in the hospital. They were going to induce the baby the next day. do a heartbeat, you know, with a microphone. And then one time there was no heartbeat. And another terrible part of that story for me was that then, because the baby had died, that I had to go to the hospital where they still, I was in the obstetric ward and everybody else had a baby. I didn't have a baby with me. And then I had two more miscarriages, but I did have my son in the midst of all that. That's part of something else.

[111:28]

But anyhow, all those times and through the miscarriages and the stillborn baby, I felt that I had never received support for it. It was a time when There was no ceremony. People didn't want to talk about it. I thought in all these years I've been going over and over again in my head that I never had support for that. And after being here for this time, Two months, I was able to see what, in a sense, what you were saying, that you have to realize what you're looking for. Anyway, I look back and I realize that I did have all the support I needed. It's just that I didn't, I couldn't see it for whatever reason that it happened. It's an incredible, inexpressible joy to me. You have no idea what, I was just never the same after those events, but I can, I'm so happy that I really did get the support.

[112:39]

that I didn't know particularly because I did get it. And I would like to thank all the people so many years ago that gave me support in dealing with these events. And that means everybody forever, doesn't it, really? Whether they were alive then or will be alive or were alive, because we're all so... And may I say? Pardon me? Your babies also were supported. Yes, with a lot of love. They were supported with lots of love for their short lives. Mm-hmm. Yes, and the other quick story is that every time, once I had, when I was pregnant with my son, I was so afraid that that pregnancy wouldn't happen, that I actually did things, you know, I just believed that that child would be born alive.

[113:44]

And so I would smoke, and I drank wine, and I was terrified of this baby. And it's kind of like, in a sense, I didn't want the baby to live, but I was afraid to give birth, and I just sort of didn't want the baby, I guess. And it turned out it was my angel who was born, Jeff, and He has always been an angel, but when I look back on the birth, all I see is this of the first baby. And I felt that I hadn't appreciated all the wonderful gift of having Jeff. But in effect, those are kind of idle stories, aren't they? I mean, those are the bad stories, the depression and the horrible stuff. isn't what matters. I just need to say to myself, which I'm doing, I had a live baby.

[114:50]

I had a baby. I was always thinking, I can't have a baby. Everybody has a baby. It's so easy. Which hung on. That's hung on. is really screwed up and you know not in that sense but in when I look at it I really just want to think I have I have a baby and not oh and I had all those others that died so I had a baby so that I mean I can't ever express that's changed my life because I thought when I had the stillborn baby that it's I was never the same after that because I thought I wasn't getting support but I was getting support and in the end I had a live baby so unbelievable so I want to thank you oh Very much. And you especially, because, well, another person helped me realize what I've been just, you know, going on and on, and I didn't need to.

[115:55]

So here's another sweaty microphone. Very much. It's 12. Well, since it's getting to 12.14, it's time for Maya. This is for you, Arlene. So I came up because Arlene... You didn't exactly tell me to come up here, but you made a kind of disparaging remark about my lack of speaking.

[116:58]

I haven't seen you up there. Exactly. And then I had a dream last night. And as some of you know, I sometimes enact my dreams when I get messages or interesting things. So in this dream, talk to some people. And I think it was just kind of like that was my job or my position at the moment. And it was just a small group of people. So I thought, well, I could say something to them. And then as I spoke, the group got larger. And it was fine, but I don't remember what I said. But then there was a little girl, like maybe a five-year-old girl, who was walking by and she said that she was really looking forward to reading my commentary on the Mumonkan.

[118:23]

And then... We all are. But she was gone before I had a chance to tell her that actually I hadn't... and that I had no intention of doing so. So anyway, I did not come up here to lecture on the Mumungkan, but maybe to a couple of questions that I have or things I've been thinking about in relationship to the talk. And that's... I've been thinking about how if you have the thought, I'm making an offering or I want to make an offering, that maybe that's not really an offering.

[119:50]

It's more like expressing your idea about but it seems to me that what you've been saying is that if you do it, you're damned, and if you don't do it, you're also in hell. And that maybe that wanting... that thinking that you're making the offering is the ceremony of, it's your idea of making an offering and that that's what, that's the practice, that's what's available to us. And so that's kind of the realm that I'm playing around in. And... So partly this came up thanks to my Dharma friends.

[120:59]

I had a very brief discussion with yesterday, and maybe I didn't express myself clearly. It's not clear to me that you understood what I was saying. But it had to do with that. Thank you for your commentary. Excuse me, but I think actually maybe, do you think we should keep going on or not, folks? Arlene, any thoughts? Should we have more people come up? Okay, Roderick was next. And then Mary Ellen. It's a joy to be here and to clear my throat also.

[122:14]

This is the first time I've come up on a, in this room, I've been on three sessions and it's neat, I'm not very fearful and I'm trying to find ways to make myself fearful. So, because I think my vow is to be fearless. I think that, it may not be true. But anyway, I have a lot of stories about this stuff. I won't go into too much detail, but what I would like is some assistance. I'd like people to help me sing a song. And that's difficult. The singing for me is not so difficult. I've learned to sing because I wanted to. And my first lesson, the teacher said, you know, you're going to have to sing to others. And that's when I decided I didn't want to sing, but I decided I was going to sing anyway.

[123:22]

So I'm going to sing a line, and if you can sing it, I'll just kind of speak sing it, like call and response, because it reminds me of sangha. I learned it when I was in Louisiana under very joyful and trying conditions. And I've sang it at other sanghas, actually. But it reminded me of sangha. And those who wish to, who would like to, can join in. We are standing. We are standing. At the river. At the river. With each other. With each other. Cause you're my brother. You're all my brothers. To be. To be. To be. Okay, I got the fit.

[124:24]

We'll start again if you wish. We are standing We are standing At the river At the river With each other With each other You're my brother You're my brother Sister Sister To be To be To be Well, this is a partially finished song. Dip our souls Dip our souls In the water

[125:39]

For the healing of each other, to be saved and sanctified. Freed from fear Where freedom lies Fly away Cross the land Because we can Because we can Now I know that it's Sunday.

[126:51]

Thank you. I've been here to Green College for a number of years, mostly just for the long session, but I've attended a lot of them. And the last few years, comprising most of the time that I've been coming, have been very challenging and stressful because of quite complicated life circumstances and this place has really been an oasis of renewal for me and I want to thank everybody here for to this place being such a nurturing space. And I want to thank Reb in particular. You have really...

[127:51]

been so gracious and I'm really inspired by the unwavering confidence that you have in your practice and also really delighted by your mischievous humor and really for the confidence that you have that always provides a space for people to be irreverent and challenging and anything else along this spectrum. To the Sangha, I want to say that whenever I come here, I feel a kind of cloud of ambiguity. And sometimes that feels enriching and other times it makes me feel disturbed and unsettled. But I always am very aware of a great goodwill and support here, and I thank you all for that.

[129:19]

These are difficult times for everybody, and I appreciate that support. And as far as this session goes, this last week, among the many sessions that I've attended, all of them have been really wonderful, but I don't think there has ever been one that has contained so many really memorable moments as this one. And I couldn't begin to mention all of them, but just to pick out a few highlights for me from the past week. The poem that, who wrote the poem a few days ago in the middle of the night and read it to us the following day? Oh, yes, I really was, I was so. poem, both by its very heartfelt emotion and its lyrical beauty.

[130:27]

And I thought those were synthesized so well, and I really could relate to that and appreciate it, your presenting that poem to us. And then this morning... The dance performances, I'll never forget those, and so I thank you very much for those dances. And one more, one of the wonderful rainy days that we were treated to here included Arlene's very well-timed comment about the ubiquitous presence of newts. Thank you all very much. Did Arlene make a noise?

[131:28]

I have a poem I want to share. I've written a lot of poems and a lot of unfinished poems, but I've never had the chance to share one in public. So here goes, and I offer it to all of you and to all Buddhists. Would you like me to hold the microphone for you? In the midst of all this, yes, in the midst of all of this, it has found you. And amid of all and amid all of this confusion and all the immense cacophony of creativity and wonder, you, you have listened. You have listened. And now the answer is almost too simple.

[132:45]

It's almost too simple. So please, don't flinch. Just open your arms. Open your arms wide and let the depths of the silence have you. Arlene's looking like, yes, now you can stop. Could I say one more thing? Yes. It's funny to say that this is, excuse me for myself, but one night in koan class, Anil said, I want to make a confession. You know who Anil is?

[133:50]

This is Anil. So he said, at dinner earlier, I was at the table with some people and we were talking about something and I mentioned that I thought you were a crappy teacher, that Reb was a crappy teacher. And some people got kind of upset about that. But when he told everybody laughed in the koan class, including me, I'm happy with myself to be able to laugh at reports of me being a crappy teacher. Maybe some years ago I might not have laughed. Who knows? But anyway, I'm happy to be able to laugh when people say I'm a crappy teacher. But then he said this other part which is the part I'm embarrassed to say because it's such a great compliment.

[135:08]

He said, but he's a great student. And I don't know if I'm a great student but I am very joyful to be a student of the Dharma. I'm very happy to study the Dharma with you and I just want to tell you I really appreciate studying the Buddha Dharma with all of you and I hope we can continue. May our intention equally extend to every being.

[135:58]

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