the true body of faith, the true mind of faith. So we often see that faith is in a dynamic relationship with doubt. But not doubt like not believing, doubt like questioning. Yeah. Calling the faith into question. I wonder if this is really the most important thing in life for me. So faith and doubt go together. And then, based on faith, we sometimes make vows. And the vows are in a dynamic relationship with confession and repentance.

[01:13]

So I vow to practice compassion, and then that vow works with questioning how that vow is living. Was that compassionate? Is this compassion? What is compassion? What is my vow? So that seems like maybe, that didn't seem in accord with my vow. And I'm sorry, because I really do have this vow. So confession and repentance work together with the vow. They deepen each other. I assert that for your consideration. Can you hear me well? Having brought up calming and contemplating,

[02:36]

Some people have their calming practice and their contemplating practice to me for discussion. Although we have not so much emphasized the calm throughout the intensive, it was there at the very beginning. when we brought up the mind of the great sage of India. That mind, in that mind, calming and contemplating, are in union. They're unified in the mind of the awakened one. In the mind of the awakened one there is tranquility unified with insight.

[03:45]

There is silence unified with illumination. ...brought up the elements of the Buddha's mind in terms of calming and contemplating. Again, some people telling me about their calming practice. And even though you may not even think that you're doing calming practice, even though you may not think you're doing mental stabilization practice. When you come here and sit and take care of your posture, taking care of your posture is calming. So, a bit of calming going on here, whether you think about it or not. Sometimes this room has a lot of calming going on and a lot of calm.

[04:51]

Calming and calm. It's inspiring to see. The teacher of the Tibetan sage Milarepa, his teacher was named Mark. Marpa went to India and brought back Sanskrit texts and translated them. So they call him Marpa the Translator. And Marpa said that his attention to his posture was a different concentration than many other forms of concentration. So one way to develop concentration is to attend to your body posture. So, again, in the introductory Zazen instruction we give at Zen Center, we don't necessarily give people concentration, but we give people points of posture to attend to, to be mindful of.

[06:07]

And if they can attend to these posture points, it's a common practice. Some people have been blessed with calming practice coming to some fruition here and they have been feeling quite calm and tranquil and, yeah, relaxed and open. And they told me about that and then some of them how they are also starting to contemplate the things that are coming up. And so one basic principle here is that when you're calm, things are still coming up, but in the calming you basically just let things be.

[07:11]

Let them be. And even if you don't let them be, let that be. Whatever. Just let it be. Generosity, respect, gentleness, attention, vigilance, patience, enthusiasm with all that comes up, and then you come back. Can you hear me now? Okay, in the back? And I think that a lot of those practices have been going on in this great assembly. In the Zendo, certainly, and maybe outside the Zendo. So as we start to look not just at the phenomena as opportunities for compassion and letting them go, we might inquire What is this? What is this posture?

[08:19]

What is this anxiety? What is this confusion? What is this greed? So even though you're calm, greed can still arise. Ill will can still arise. Confusion can still arise. But the calm makes it a blessed anxiety. The anxiety is blessed with calm. The anxiety is blessed. And then one could then again be curious about the landscape of the mind, which is coming up and going down. of the body which is coming up and going down, of the mind and body which are coming up and going down together.

[09:25]

One might be curious. This curiosity is a way of talking about contemplating, investigating. And if you do start questioning, investigating what's going on in a calm space. If you're calm, you're in a good place to be able to tell if there's something off about the way you're inquiring. If you're inquiring to get inquiry or trying to get something from what you're inquiring into, you might notice that your tranquility gets disturbed. So here we are, tranquil, relaxed, open, something comes up, we're curious. Your curiosity doesn't disturb the tranquility. But curiosity about how you can get something, like curiosity about how you can get the true dharma out of this phenomena, that gaining idea you probably will notice disturbs

[10:39]

Tranquility. And it disturbs your compassion. Compassion is not trying to get anything out of what it's contemplating. So this is a little, just a brief comment on tranquility, on calming. One of the people who I was discussing this dynamic between calming and contemplating and how the faults in the practice of contemplating give a cause or stimulate a disturbance of the calm, then that disturbance of the calm is feedback on the inquiry process. We're talking about that. And towards the end of that little conversation the person said to me, What do you want to... What do you want in

[11:57]

What do you want in this meeting that we're having? And I said, I want intimate transmission. I want the mind of the ancient sage of India. That's what I want in this meeting. I want communion. I want a wholehearted, intimate conversation. That's what I want. That's what I want the meeting to be. And then, I don't know, maybe the person said, well, can I give to this person And I said, yeah, I said, yes, this intimacy starts with generosity.

[13:09]

Intimacy begins with giving a gift. What gift do we give? Well, you give yourself. And if possible, you give yourself completely. And honestly. You don't like necessarily even scroll through different versions of yourself and try to pick a good one. Give this one and this one, even though this one, you may think, is below average. You might be looking for, I think I would like to give a really good me. I think it's fine, I think it's fine, I think it's fine to want to give a good gift. But the best gift is you. Right now, that's the best gift you have to the world. And really, it's the only one.

[14:13]

To look for a better gift than who you are now is a distraction from being calm and present. It's an avoidance of your real gift. Another way to put it is this intimate transmission to give your face. Give your face. This transmission is also called the expression that Dogen uses for the intimate transmission, he uses an expression called which means face-giving. But it's also face-receiving. So the first character, men, means face.

[15:17]

Second character, jyu, means giving. The character for giving has within it the character for receiving. So it's face giving and receiving. It's face-to-face intimate transmission. That is the Buddha way. That is the mind. That's what I want. That's what I want in this room. But that's what I want throughout the universe. And our responsibility, our opportunity is to give ourselves completely. And again, I think I've mentioned over and over where she said, in Doksan we reveal ourselves, we give ourselves. I think he also said, we expose ourselves, expose our face. from the beginning of this intensive we've been talking about this mind of intimate transmission and now towards the end we're still talking about it as the Buddha way.

[16:36]

That's what I want. And today I would like to Oh, excuse me. At the end of this interview where this person said, what do you want here? And I said what I said. And he said, what can I do? Give a gift. Maybe he said, what? I said, you. And at the end of the meeting he got up and he said, I want to give now a gift of prostrations, three prostrations. And I don't know if I said this, but I certainly thought, good. When you prostrate in a meeting, why not see it as a gift? It really is. I also thought, frustration is an act of homage.

[17:46]

It's an act of alignment. It's an act of appreciation to something. Right now there's a scroll behind me which says, homage to Shakyamuni Buddha. And this person was offering a gift of prostration, and prostration is a physical expression of homage. Paying homage, the person was also giving a gift. And those first three practices that Samantabhadra vows to do — homage, praise, offering. So when we prostrate ourselves, that which we appreciate, that which we honor, we're paying homage, but also there's praise and there's an offering.

[18:50]

I'm just what do you call it, struck anew, struck anew, by this practice we have in this tradition. People call it Odiyoki. I'm kind of uncomfortable calling our formal ceremony the bowls. Okay, call it Oriyoki. But anyway, it also could be called a formal ceremonial ritual of eating. It's like ritual, homage, praise, and offering to the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. That's the eating, formal eating, and I'm struck by what a great opportunity eating in the zendo together is for realizing the mind of the great sage of India, the mind of intimate transmission.

[20:12]

And part of the reason I'm struck is because a couple of days ago I was sitting there during the meal and thinking, this is so great, what we're doing here. And I thought, why isn't, wouldn't it be just as great to be over in the dining room eating, you know? And we did that when the power was off, we had meals in the dining room. Well, isn't that just as good? And I'm not going to say, no, it's not, but But... And also what came to my mind is our former tea teacher, Nakamura sensei, one of Meya's teachers, she said, the tea...

[21:18]

outside the tea room. The tea always tastes better in the tea room. Somehow when you go through all that trouble to make the tea, it just tastes better than when you make it the simple way at the kitchen table. I don't know why, it just tastes better. Deeper. It's more intimate when you go through all this process which concentrates us and then we enter into the mind of the great sage of India, and that's where the tea really tastes good, in that intimacy. So theoretically we could have the same intimacy opportunity eating in the dining room, but you have to be pretty advanced, I think, to find that. In the Zendo we have all these forms. all these rituals that help us concentrate.

[22:24]

So, for example, when you're pouring hot water into a cup for somebody, into a bowl, you're sort of called to be quite attentive to what you're doing. And then the water comes out and surprises you the way it comes out. Maybe it comes faster or slower than you expected. Maybe it jumps out of the spout and goes to some place you weren't expecting. And then you have to be there for that. And maybe it even gets on the fingers of the person holding the bowl. And then they move their hand and so on. It's a really dynamic situation. It's actually, of course, really intimate. And that it's really something calling for attention, and you give it, and in that giving of your attention, intimacy starts to dawn.

[23:32]

And it dawns in an ongoing and challenging way. What just came to mind is there was this woman, and she used to sit right there, and she loved Zazen, but she said, I hate Odioki. wonderful person, she really liked to practice sitting, but she hated ariyoki. I don't know why, but I'm thinking maybe she just hated the intensity of this intimate interaction, and she liked to just sort of like calm her own mind at her seat, which is fine. But that's not intimacy, to do it by yourself. In the orioke practice, you know, everybody's like receiving and giving. The diners are receiving the food, but they're also giving signals.

[24:35]

They're offering their bowl, they're moving their hands, gestures. They're watching how the person responds. They're having opinions about the way the person's responding. The person who's responding is having opinions about the way they're responding and the way the receiver's responding. All this is going on. Have you noticed? Intense, dynamic, fragile, unstable, vulnerable, All this is part of this style of eating. Challenging. And so all these elements are what are involved in intimacy. If these elements are not present, we're not quite at the intimate place.

[25:40]

Intimacy is reality, but our attunement to it is fragile. We're always intimate, but our attunement is just for the moment. And then things change, and there's intimacy again, attuned again. And then it changes, and there's intimacy again, and now we have to, we're called to attune again. Reality is the big challenge. It's the big challenge. It's just the way it is, it's offering us to attune to it, and it's offering us new opportunities all the time, And yeah, this is our eating style in the Zendo. And again, we eat in the dining room, but we might throw the baby out with the bathwater.

[26:47]

The style of eating is bathwater for Buddhas. And so much goes into it. The relationship between the servers and between the head servers and the soku and the training and the feedback, that's another thing where the situation is very fragile and we're vulnerable in these interactions on the serving crews. We can be hurt by the feedback we get. It can happen, and it seems to happen. People can be distracted from being kind to their fellow servers. And we can be hurt. While we're doing this great service, we can hurt each other. And of course, again, the receivers of the food can hurt the servers.

[27:53]

They can express disrespect or disapproval of the way the server... And vice versa. The servers can think... This person is not . And they can act that out, rather than take care of it with compassion. So these are the opportunities. When we eat in the dining room we don't too often say, you know, I don't know what, I don't see much comment on the way they sit next to you, move their chair, or the way they set their bowl down. And people don't usually come over and put food in your bowl or take food out. So the level of interaction in the dining room is just not as intense.

[28:58]

Most of us can't see it. And again, I just want to harmonize the difference between the meals here and the meals in the dining room. You mentioned the meals when you're eating outside by yourself. Hopefully you can find intimacy in all ways of eating, but the opportunities for intimacy are so great, it's such a great practice. Like when I told you about the server whose feet were a certain way, and I watched those feet, you know, for a long time, and then I interacted with that person about his feet. Very intense. One time I was, I don't know where I was, but I think I was in this room during evening meal.

[30:11]

Evening meals, as you may have noticed, are a little quieter than the other two. Do you notice that? No? Well, during the other ones we do a lot of chanting. Vairo, chana, buddha, complete. The servers are coming in. Can't hear them very well because we're chanting. Anyway, in the evening, in a way it's quieter because we don't do any chanting. And there's no offerings. Have you noticed that? If you haven't, it took me a while to notice it too. I had other interests in noticing that. Anyway, and I heard, I just heard a room full of people chewing. I don't know how many people there were, 50, 60, chewing.

[31:18]

The room was full of the sound of chewing. I just was so struck. I never in my life heard a room full of chewing people. And I just thought, this is the best restaurant. Well, you can hear everybody, pretty much everybody, unless you can hear the assembled orchestration of the chewing of the Great Assembly. Have you ever gone into a restaurant and heard everybody chewing? I think it's quite common for you to notice, to hear at the end of Keen Heating, to hear everybody walking back to their place. Or especially the Keen Heating when we walk outside, you can hear all the feet. we walk really quietly. Except at the end we make faster walking so we can hear each other.

[32:26]

We can hear each other. So, anyway, this is a... I don't know what to write. It's just a great offering to the world that we have. Excuse me for saying this, but no other school that I know of of spiritual practice has this way of eating to offer to the world. Eating as a practice. Eating as an act of intimacy. Eating as a way to realize intimate transmission. And everybody's involved. And there's so many... Another thing I want to say about is, I mentioned before that we have these ten major precepts of restraint.

[33:31]

And the restraint is applying to precepts which are... pratimoksha precepts. So it's the ten major precepts which are conducive to liberation, which are restraints. Restraints which are conducive to liberation. We're practicing constraints, for example, in these practices. But these restraints are conducive to liberation. They're restraints which are conducive to freedom from constraint. Apparently human beings need to use constraint in order to realize freedom. And they need to use the constraints in a compassionate way, in a calm way, to become constraint.

[34:41]

So we have these ten precepts, but we also have the style of eating, which is somewhat constrained. We're asked, you know, to wait to eat until . We're asked to finish eating by a certain point. We're called to give signals and be quiet, etc. These constraints help us calm down, help us be free. And then we're challenged to see if we can carry on this practice of eating here when we're eating in the dining room. Without holding on to this form, we discover that same... what constraints are there to help us realize freedom in that venue.

[35:49]

Okay, so I wanted to praise and pay homage and make offerings. Thank you for your reminder. You're so welcome. Yes, Tracy, do you want to come up? Are you ready for questions? I am. Are you? Did you say bring our real self? Say again? Did you say bring our... The gift is to bring our... Was the word real self?

[36:56]

You said don't go for your best one, go for the honest one? I don't know if I said real, but I could have. Give the one that you seem to have. But give this space. And now, right now, you look like you're looking someplace else. Which is your face. What you're giving me is this one. But if I had a mask on, I'd still be here. Even if you couldn't see my face, I'd still be here. Well, your face isn't... The word face means mask. So give your mask. Your face isn't... I remember one time our friend Yuki asked me why Doga used that word for face when he's talking about face-to-face transmission. She said, that character needs a mask. So give your mask. Don't go get another mask.

[37:58]

Not another one. But what if I have judgments, doubts, all the things we're not supposed to be doing? You want me to bring that? It's not that I want you to bring them, I'm just saying, if you've got them, that's what I want you to give. And people do come, give me their doubts, etc. That's what they give me. And I think, that's what I'm here for, is for you to give me what you've got, what you're experiencing. Not wait for some better... thoughts, feelings, attitudes to come. Not in your true self, but it's what you have to give. And also, it might be what you don't want to show me. So, as much as possible, show what you don't want to show. That's going on now. Don't show me what you don't want to show that's not here anymore. The thing you don't want to show that's here now.

[39:03]

not something that will come later or that used to be here. Because I can see the one that's here now. I can't see the one really that was here yesterday. Like you say, yesterday I was blah blah. But I don't know what you're talking about, really. Like yesterday I wasn't nice. Or you can just say, yesterday I wasn't nice and I'm sorry. So you're showing me a person who's confessing that they think they weren't nice. But they're not showing me they're not nice. But if you're feeling not nice, you can say, now I'd like to show you my not nice, that I'm not nice. It's not your true self, but it's your face. It's your mask. And like you're showing me your body, but you have clothes on your body, but you're still showing me your clothed body. That's the body of God that's got clothes on. Show me that one. I don't need you to put your hand over some smudge on your robe.

[40:09]

I'd like you just to show me your robe. Actually, if there was a smudge, I might say, you might clean it. I think I get this. You think you get it? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so that's me. This is my... Real self. This is what you're offering me now. Right now. And I feel like right now you just seem to be offering the person you are right now. Okay. You're giving me your mouth. You're giving me your face. I think I understand it in the context of Dokusan. And my question is, are you recommending we bring that real self to the dining room, to phone calls, to life? Maybe take away the word real and just say, bring your superficial self. Yeah. Bring the self you can see. You can't see your real self. Your real self is, includes us.

[41:13]

But your superficial self is, you know, you have an idea. But I'm trying to modulate it to be a good Zen student. Yeah, but that's your superficial self. Your superficial self is you're trying to modulate yourself to be something. That's your superficial self, sometimes. Sometimes you're not trying to modulate yourself to be a good Zen student. Sometimes you're just saying, Hello, I'm Tracy. Who are you? Are you nobody? So, but sometimes the Tracy might be somebody who's trying to modulate or shape herself into being a good Zen student, appearing to be a good Zen student. Or follow my vows. Yeah, you might be modulating yourself to look like you're following your vow. Well, modulating yourself to follow your vow is not the same as modulating yourself to look like you're... If you're trying to follow your vow, you could just say, I'm here, I just want you to know I'm trying to follow my vow.

[42:26]

Whether I like it or not, you're going to tell me that. Should you be that way with everybody? Yeah, but you don't necessarily say that to children, because they don't know what you're talking about. I'm trying to follow my vow. But you show the person who you are. And if you are a person who's trying to follow her vow, you might also be a person who thinks, maybe this isn't appropriate. But it's not because I'm trying to get my grandchildren to follow me in a certain way. I'm just trying to offer them a gift that I think is appropriate for them. I want to offer, maybe authentic is better, just who I am, this grandmother. I think this grandmother is sooner. But there are certain aspects of this grandmother, which you are, I mean, which are included in your life, that you might not tell them about.

[43:31]

But not telling them is who you are at that moment. And maybe Grandma doesn't want to talk about that right now, okay? Why are you crying, Grandma? Can we talk about that later? I'll tell you later. So then, and that's what you give them. You give them a kind response, even though you don't. Which is a question, literally, the way they're asking. Agreement? I don't know. I'm moved. Yeah. That's your gift to us right now. A moved person. I have two more gifts.

[44:36]

You have two more gifts? Can you hear? I have two more gifts. And one is in response to Kat. Something came up when Kat spoke on Monday and said, what's the point of the Dharma if you end up with dirty cars? Something like that. What? Dirty cars. Oh, dirty cars. Remember that? Yeah. And I thought about that. I thought, yeah. For a minute, I kind of wanted to agree more with it. And then I remembered going to Dokusan with you once. I wasn't really confessing. I think I was complaining. I came to complain rather than confess.

[45:39]

I was complaining about the people I was working with that they weren't keeping their agreements. They... You know, they're being sloppy. And I didn't know, should I nail them or should I be spacious and compassionate? And what you said was... When I gave you the vows, I didn't just give you the ones I thought you could keep. And that was just stunning for me. I was just stunned by that. Either that there were some you thought I couldn't keep or that you didn't think I could keep them anyway. But that just, it felt so generous. It was a big release for me. You knew I wasn't going to keep them all.

[46:42]

And meanwhile, I'm beating myself up time after time because I'm not. And you're not surprised. But you gave them to me anyway. That was your point, that you just didn't give me ones that we both knew I could follow. So something about you just broke something very big open for me with regard to you guys. So that was one thing I... I wanted to share with everybody. And then there was another one. It wasn't in Dokusan, but it was outside during an intensive. And we had guests and comfort tea. And this was at a time when I was a mess. Can you hear her? I was a mess. Absolutely. She can vouch for it. I was a mess for a long time. A long time. And my friends came for tea, and I wanted to introduce you to them, or them to you.

[47:53]

So, you know, I grabbed you, grabbed them. Hi, hi, hi. And one of my friends, We are so relieved. Tracy seems so much better. And you said, we like her however she is. Say again? You said, we like her however she is. And that's one of the most amazing things I've ever heard. It is amazing, isn't it? Yeah, and I really got it. I really got it, and it shifted my entire relationship with the Dharma, with you, with Green Gulch, with everything. Because I believe that. And there are not only places in the world where I have that experience. And it's rare to love someone no matter how they are. But that's our vow. We vow. And so those vows were given to you. But I don't expect you to do this rare thing all the time.

[48:58]

But I did give you the vow to love people no matter what they are. And if you don't follow that vow, since I don't expect you to, I still am rooting for you. I don't get disappointed when people don't follow their vows because I just give them. They're just a gift. They're not a control device. They're not a remote control. Get the precepts and get everybody to do what I want. They're gifts. And Siddhikarashi did that too. He just came and gave us a gift. And then he's watching how we're dealing with them, how we're taking care of them. So I'm watching how you take care of the gift to love however people are. And if you don't love them, then I watch how you practice repentance.

[50:01]

And I don't expect you to practice that either. But if you do, I'm so delighted. And if you love people no matter what, it's so delightful, it's so encouraging. But if you don't, we've got practice for that too. Somebody said to me one time, you know, you have just the disciples you deserve. I'm so fortunate. Let's see, I see Josh's hand.

[51:04]

Oh, is there somebody over here? Tim and Drew. So Josh, Tim and Drew. I just wanted to confess to the Great Assembly and to Buddhas and to myself that I haven't exactly prayed in stillness in the way that I would have liked to during the intensive and, you know, with idle chatter and inconsiderate things like that. I didn't honor silence and stillness in everybody's practice or my own true being in the way that I would have liked to. And I apologize. I repent. I feel bad about that. No problem. Thank you so much.

[52:07]

Person back. I just want... That's all I wanted to say. Yeah. Yeah. Can I say that, you know, the person said no problem, but I think what he meant was thank you. Because you have a problem. You told us you have a problem. He wasn't saying, no, you don't have a problem. He was saying, thank you for telling us that when you do not honor silence and stillness, it's a problem for you. I hope every time you don't honor anything, it's a problem for you. Do you hope for that too? I hope so. And thank you. And if you do have a problem with not honoring something, I hope you do have a problem with it. And you feel it. That will help you honor everything. I actually have one more. You have another thing, another gift?

[53:08]

Okay. As much as I enjoyed the Dharma talk and was really appreciating what you were saying, I admit that I kept having thoughts. I was like, oh, why can't I just stop talking so I can go and confess my pride? So maybe there was some thoughts of gain around that, and just not exactly honoring the space. Yeah, and maybe there was some impatience there. He wanted to give this really good gift. Perhaps. Perhaps, yeah. Maybe Tim? I love Oryogi.

[54:39]

I love serving. I've known that for a while, but I think with your talk today, I started to understand a little bit more why I love serving so much. And it's because it's really easy for me in serving to give people what they want. You know, like, oh, your meal board is dirty? Let me get that for you. Oh, would you like Damasio? Here's some. You know, like every time I show up, I'm kind of giving them what they want. And it's so nice. And usually in, you know, in Horyuken receiving, it's, you know, it's the same sort of thing. Sometimes I'm like, hmm. For the most part, you know, oh, I would like some hot water. Here comes someone with hot water. And it's just so easy to give and receive and just feel like, yep, exactly what they wanted. But then immediately after I realized that, I thought, hmm, that's so good in karaoke.

[55:42]

Because maybe it's not so easy in the rest of life. Where I feel like, oh, I thought I was giving somebody what they wanted. And maybe that's not really what they wanted. Or, oh, that was a gift and I didn't understand it as a gift right then. So, Horioki makes it simple, but... So your vow is to give, and you'd like to give what people appreciate and they want. That's your vow. And the virtue of other situations is that you realize your shortcomings. that that's what you want, but somehow there was something a little off about it. And you got that feedback, so then there's an opportunity for confession and repentance.

[56:44]

Yeah. And maybe that could be brought over to Orioki next time you serve. In what way? Did I really give them what they wanted? Uh-huh. Okay. Rather than assume you did, that's what you want. But maybe get open to the possibility that... a little bit off. And that will make audio even more intimate. Like it. The increased intimacy is not always something you like. But it may be something you remember. that you heard by the Zen grapevine is part of the process of making a Buddha is to get feedback on our generosity. That's what makes us question it. And it's not necessarily comfortable to question our good deeds.

[57:49]

Somebody said to me, no good deed will go unpunished. But the person's understanding was That you think is good will go unpunished. Good deeds, fine. But when I think it's a good deed, then I'm at risk of like, well, that was a good deed, you should accept it. And then that's a punishment. Intimacy is present. in exactly the same proportion as vulnerability. Yes, I agree. Vulnerability, fragility, tenderness... If there's vulnerability, tenderness is appropriate. If people can be hurt, we should be very careful and tender, because they can be hurt. And that being careful of other people's vulnerability and our own,

[58:51]

That's in accord with intimacy. And we may feel like, careful all the time, so can't I just be careless? Well, in a world where you're surrounded by vulnerable beings, and you yourself are a vulnerable being, carelessness can often harm. So how can we be in a place of playfulness? Well, the place of playfulness is in a place of concentration. When we're really present and sensitive and open, then we can play. There is freedom, but freedom is not the same as carelessness. The other day during the meals, the serving ladle was really quite a large one that was used to serve me. It was so big that it was slightly smaller than the bowl, to the size of the bowl.

[60:02]

It was about this big. You know, it was big. And it could carry a lot of food. And that ladle came down, and it did manage to... all over my bowls, but it was close. So a very skillful server, but huge serving ladle. And we have other ladles, which are about half the size as that one. So when the head server came, I said, it might be helpful to use a... And the head server listened to me. And then for a second there he thought, is he criticizing me? Did I make a mistake? And then he realized, he's just playing with me. I'm just playing. Would you please... Would you get a larger or a smaller this or that?

[61:05]

This is my offering to our player. And I want to do it carefully. Because who I'm talking to, whoever it is, they're vulnerable. So part of the reason I don't want to hurt you is because I don't want you to hurt me. Because if I hurt you, that hurts me. So vulnerable, intimacy, carefulness, concentration. That's our practice. Thank you. I think maybe Drew was next. I don't know. Mary? Let a conversation about food go by without participating.

[62:25]

Not entirely sure what I'm going to say, but I felt called to come up here. I think one thing I really wanted to say, and I hope that all the kitchen staff will hear me, is that it is... Such a beautiful practice to be in this kitchen during a practice period. I'm so by how people show up to offer their, their to offer their, not just their service, but their, their hearts. They're really hear that. she's so moved to see how people offer their service in the kitchen. And it surprises me every time I encounter this.

[63:30]

And it's about... And food, for me, is what so much is expressed about the teachings of the Dharma, intimate transmission, our interdependence. And it happens on the kind of the microcosm of the kitchen, each portion in the kitchen, how we create a meal, and then on the bigger picture, the serving and the nourishing. that it's such a beautiful... All the processes of food are beautiful to me in how they express the Dharma. And I'm so grateful to be back and in the kitchen. Everybody who's in the kitchen right now is doing such a beautiful job.

[64:39]

And I also have to confess that in my work in the kitchen, I get very attached to wanting things to be a certain way. I'm constantly in the back and forth of seeing these beautiful hands and hearts working and wanting them to work in a little different way or faster or different. You know, I confess to the process and to... spending way too much energy wanting things to be just so. Thank you for that revelation. So it's fine to want things to be really good, even be really that way, that's fine. But to try to get them to be that way, that's what you're confessing.

[65:49]

That you sometimes slip into that. And I'm sorry, and I'm sorry even just for thinking... Yeah, we're very afraid. ...up in these beautiful, sincere ways. Yeah. I'm so glad you're aware of that, that you're watching out for that and revealing that and feeling sorry about that. That will protect everybody. That's what I hope. I see a man named Patrick, but some other person was there before. Do you want to come up still? Oh, you were just trying to get me... I was trying to get your attention... To Mary. Well, it's somebody else, but it turns out that somebody else was... Okay, so you're trying to help me notice people.

[66:53]

Thank you. So maybe Patrick's next, unless I miss somebody else. Okay, Patrick. Well, like Mary, I can't let the occasion to appreciate Yoyogi pass by without adding my voice. Whenever I think of how I'm going to describe to people I know what I did for three weeks. The thing that comes closest to being to my heart, and for many reasons, I mean, you mentioned teamwork. I don't think in my life I've ever felt so completely, thoroughly part of a team

[67:54]

as I have in the process of learning Oriyoki. When I first learned about Oriyoki, I thought it was ridiculous. I didn't come to do Oriyoki. I didn't come to wear robes like this. I didn't come to do these ceremonies. And now, over 50 years later, it's like everything that is most valuable to me in my life has been learned in orioke, in wearing robes, in doing ceremonies. I would never have... I don't think I would have ever discovered devotion. It couldn't have happened. And I couldn't have done it if I thought, now I'm going to go learn a devotion somewhere. It happened because of this. And yeah, eating. It's so amazing. I guess that's all I have to say.

[68:58]

I just want to... Thank you for singing. It's all praise. Praise, and I feel myself an offering when I am in the orioke ceremony. All of it, it's all there. It's all there in and in all the other ceremonies we do here. It's all there, everything. Somebody asked me the other day, because they know I'm devoted to birds, and birds have been a tremendous educator for me in my life, what would you like to be doing most right now? Birding? I said, no, because it's not thorough. The thoroughness of this is absolutely... completely thorough. And you gave me the name, Zen Shin Taito, a few years ago, which means wholeheartedly devoted to the West.

[70:00]

And that's what I've discovered. And so I have enormous gratitude and want to express that. Yeah, it'd be nice if there was a way, a teaching to help birders be more thorough. Because they love the birds, but they don't have a teamwork way of doing birding. It's hard to do it as a team. It's hard to have everybody supporting each other and giving each other feedback. I don't know how to hold the binoculars. You're tilting the binoculars. Oh, thank you. Or no thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much. May you always be like this. And to all of you, my heartfelt thanks. Is that enough for this morning?

[71:02]

Great assembly? Can I ask a question? Sorry, that was a fast question. Thank you. Wow, your talk and those questions were so beautiful and made me cry on multiple occasions. Can you hear her? Can you hear me? Can you hear her, Grace? Can you hear me? I feel very in my heart right now from this talk, so thank you and thanks for all the questions. It's reminding me of something that you mentioned on the first day of Sashin in the Dharma talk, which was the character, I don't remember for what, but it was mind the same.

[72:21]

Mm-hmm. And there's a book that I read over and over, and it's a collection of Bodhidharma teachings translated by Red Pine. And the central teaching is the mind is the Buddha. You will not find a Buddha anywhere else. And I'm wondering about that character. Maybe not, but is the character for mind also being heart? What might be the character, Chinese character, which means both mind and thought. So, excuse me, mind and heart. Yeah. And... So one thing to reflect on is that the mind is vast like space, but it's full of heart.

[73:28]

Is that, like, full of love? Full of compassion. That's beautiful. Thank you. Audrey, you don't have to sit. You can stand if you want. So love and the power of story that you seem so good at. And I love the power of that.

[74:48]

And I think there's something I'm not getting in a story or in our lives. our stories as they unfold. Things seem connected to me. And so the moment by moment kind of importance, I can also feel that. I mean, it's not, it's not, this face is not, this wasn't. Somehow I can't bring them together really well. Can you discuss that or make it more clear? I don't know, but I do have a response which is, try to bring them together, that will undermine realizing that they are together. They're already together. And if you try to bring them together, you kind of suggest they're not.

[75:55]

I believe they are together. But we don't say that. Demonstrate that you believe they're together by giving up trying to bring them together. And I can see that challenge. It's a challenge. But then what about this moment-to-moment business? Do it now. Do the moment-to-moment now. The now has past and future. It includes past and future, but it's free of past and future. You're welcome.

[76:58]

I wanted to follow up from yesterday. I'm trying to remember. Is it Mara? Oh yeah, Mara. You said that Mara does not... Well, basically, what's Mara's motivation? I thought it was interesting, particularly that she doesn't care so much about the calmness, But Mara is really concerned about the wisdom. Mara doesn't want to learn that she's a refugee, but is also Buddha. She's afraid of that. I think Mara is a little bit afraid that Buddha is going to make life harder for him. He's got this job, which is to distract and to help them, you know, not be still.

[78:24]

It's his job. His job is to get people, you know, obsessed about stuff. And he's afraid that Buddha's going to, like, disturb his work. So, he's also concerned that Buddha might be more popular than him. He wants to be appreciated for the disturbance that he promotes. Like he wants to give parties, get distracted, and he wants people to thank him. And he's afraid if Buddha comes along, they'll appreciate Buddha more than his distractions. But it seems funny that... I think your point is that... Buddha... My point is that, no, Mara is not Buddha. It's just that Mara is inseparable from Buddha.

[79:28]

They are a team. We need Mara and Buddha to be practicing together, and they do. And in that sense, they are together. And one time Mara came to Buddha and said, you know, I do my job and I'm happy to do it, but everybody just badmouths me and doesn't appreciate me. They say bad stuff about me, they think I'm just terrible. I want to quit. And everybody, you know, everybody appreciates you, they think you're the greatest. I want to quit. And Buddha says, you can't. I need you to do your job. I can't do my job without you. So Maher continues of creating disturbance, turbulence, confusion, disturbing people's attempts to settle down and realize their true nature.

[80:34]

But he helps us. He helps us be really well-hearted about being here. And our reward, if we're really here, is Mara comes and tries another trick to get us to move, to run away, etc. Looks like Mara's functioning in you now. Right. Good then. And we need that Mara in you. Okay. I just sort of like... Sort of like what? Well, I was thinking about this sort of like the conversion of Mara. That's how I was hearing the story, but that's not exactly right. Okay. Well, the important thing is, Buddha needs Mara.

[81:36]

And Buddha's got Mara. And Buddha's teaching us how to be more Mara, not less. And the more Mara, the more Buddha. And of course we have a lot of Mara now in this world, so we need a lot of Buddha to encourage Mara to continue ...ever greater, so Buddha can grow ever greater. I think Buddha would say, Mara, just cool it down and we could... Yeah, I didn't hear Buddha say, cool it down. I know Buddha's like, we just could both put away our combat. If Mara stopped, Buddha would be out of a job? Is that the idea? That's right. Well, we need Buddha. It just seems like an easier way to go, doesn't it? What's an easier way? Well, could you tell Mark just to... I could go home, too?

[82:41]

I mean... Buddha doesn't... That's the difference between Buddhism and some other traditions. Buddha doesn't tell people what to do. Buddha doesn't, you know, tell people to go to sleep. Buddha says, I'm awake. Want to join me? Buddha is not controlling the world, not controlling the forces of chaos and confusion. Buddha is meeting them with loving-kindness and compassion. And Buddha is demonstrating to other beings, to all beings, how to meet the chaos, confusion, and confusion of life with great compassion. If there were no chaos, fear, hatred, selfishness, cruelty, violence, we wouldn't need Buddha. But there is. It's all over the universe. And fortunately, Buddha is here to teach us how to deal with this universe, which is full of everything possible.

[83:50]

And Mara gets... We call Mara. It's a lot of that difficult stuff. It stands for violence and cruelty and seduction and distraction and all kinds of disturbance, all kinds of pain. Buddha's here to help us deal with that. Not get rid of Mara or calm Mara down, but liberate Mara. Play with Mara. Be creative with Mara. And you say the other way might be easier, get rid of him? It might be easier, but the way of peace, which is hard. Peace deals with all the difficulties. I don't know if you consider yourself a Mara advocate.

[85:08]

Well, I was just wondering why Buddhas are trying to encourage Mara. That's what I heard you say. Buddhas are trying to encourage Mara to be Buddha. Yeah. What's Mara's motivation? Just to disrupt, I guess. Mara is the motivation to disrupt. It is that motivation. There's not another Mara on top of that. She realizes that her whole sense of purpose could go away or something like that. Maybe she's afraid she'll lose her sense of purpose. And Buddha's saying, no, you'll be okay. After you're free, you can come back and do the job just more wholeheartedly than before and be more of a challenge. Who said that? I said it. Yeah. Well, is Mara a he?

[86:09]

Well, I didn't really… Mara's not a he. Mara's not a he. Mara's not a he, not a she, not a they. So he gets to say she if he wants to. I say. And you can say he, and you can say they. Mara doesn't really have a gender. All those beautiful ladies, you know, you can call them he's or she's. You can call them he or she's. Mara is just like the truth. Mara has no self-nature and neither does the truth. And realizing that is called dependence of no self-nature. May our intuition equally extend to our P.E.P.

[87:14]

athletics. We have a choice. [...]

[87:24]

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