all Buddhas together have been simply transmitting a wondrous teaching and actualizing unsurpassed correct and complete enlightenment for which there is an unsurpassable unfabricated, subtle and ungraspable method. This wondrous teaching, which has been transmitted only from Buddha to Buddha, without deviation, has, as its criterion, a samadhi of the self as it receives its function.

[01:14]

All Buddhas and all of our ancestors who uphold the true Dharma have made it the one true path of enlightenment to sit upright, practicing in the midst of the samadhi of the self as it receives its function. All Buddhas sit upright, completely absorbed and attentive to the Self as it receives its function from the entire universe of all beings, animate and inanimate. The enlightened ones witness this Self which is supported and interconnected with all beings.

[02:33]

And this self, this fulfilled self which they witness and from which they act compassionately and wisely and skillfully, this fulfilled self is at the same place and is inseparable from the unfulfilled self, from the limited, egocentric self. all around this limited egocentric self, or perhaps I should say all around the limited egocentric self, when we believe that it is separate from all other beings, when we look at that self, at our self, and ignore

[03:42]

the inconceivable radiance of love and interconnectedness all around it, when we ignore that interconnectedness, when we ignore the gift that is coming to the self all the time, then we feel anxiety. If we look at the self and see it that way, we feel anxiety all around. If we can stay present and be upright in witnessing this small self and witnessing our belief in its independence, and experiencing the anxiety that arises with that, if we can stay present with that, we can see that what seems to be threatening the self could be seen another way.

[04:50]

What seems to be tormenting the self, harassing the self, questioning, jeopardizing, and tormenting the self could be seen in another way, the way Buddhas see, namely, that all these things which seem to be tormenting the self are actually supporting the self, giving the self its function. But in order to be present and witness that self and see this reversal of attitude and be free of anxiety, we must be able to sit at the center of that anxiety. All Buddhas sit in the middle of that anxiety and turn the Dharma there.

[05:59]

They turn the Dharma wheel in the midst of fierce, flames of painful anxiety. With upright sitting, we naturally, selflessly practice. We don't sit for any gaining idea, And when we just take our position in the midst of our experience, we open up to this anxiety which surrounds our belief in our independence, and we enter into gradually or suddenly the expanded awareness of the self receiving its function, receiving its life activity.

[07:04]

The key is, can we be patient enough and gentle enough with ourselves and courageous enough and enthusiastic enough and ardent and resolute and so on enough to stay present with what's happening and feel it, feel what it's like without shrinking back, or leaning forward without making any theories, just flat out feel what it's like to believe in a self that's independent. If you can feel, if we can feel what it's like to feel independent and to believe that that's so, we can open to the alternative view of life. which is that our life is always being given to us by the entire world.

[08:15]

Now this week we have been focusing on anxiety and fear and some people are able to say now, although I may not yet be able to fully open up to and unflinchingly feel the pain of my personal finite existence, I am beginning to understand that I must fully experience anxiety in order to be happy. If we refuse to experience the anxiety of our personal existence, if we resist this anxiety, we resist creation. We resist the direct experience of creation.

[09:24]

All Buddhas sit upright in the midst of no resistance to what they're feeling. It is a prerequisite for becoming a whole human being to have a rich inner life which receives boundless stimulation from the outer world and all anxious beings which surround us and can develop an integrated exchange with the other. Similarly, a prerequisite for becoming a partial person

[10:30]

is much more complicated, but basically it's based on denying, repudiating, and rejecting what we're feeling. We can't intentionally open our heart to what we're feeling, but if we just stay present, we naturally become tenderized and start to drop away our defenses and learn that although we may feel pain in the process, we also, step by step, are more alive. And sometimes when we get more alive, we can't stand it and we may become depressed as an unskillful response to increased life. But when we notice that, the thing to do is to sit still and again open up to the pain of increased life and deepen our practice of patience.

[11:56]

So if we can witness this self and be intimate with it, this limited, deluded version of ourself, we can feel the anxiety. And this anxiety, this threat, can turn its face and show that it's actually not a threat but our life. But most people have a hard time actually experiencing a full-fledged chunk of self. So in order to aid in the experience of this self, not just aid, but actually make it possible, I also have been encouraging myself and others to express yourself. Even if you don't know what yourself is, express yourself. And you can tell when you're getting close to home, because those expressions which you feel most anxious about are the ones closest to yourself.

[13:27]

And not only to express yourself, but to express yourself to someone else, and not only to express yourself to someone else, but express yourself to someone else that you think is someone else. You can start by expressing yourself in the zendo, Taking the upright posture is an expression of yourself. If you think you've got one, then you think you're expressing it by sitting in the zendo. And that's good, and you can feel plenty of anxiety there. Especially if you just simply sit upright without any techniques. just pure presence of yourself.

[14:36]

Then you might start feeling some anxiety, like somebody might say, whisper in your ear, you're wasting your time. You're not doing very well at this, and so on. However, you can also have that same thing happen if you try to practice a technique. So it's not so bad to practice a technique if you really put your whole heart into it that can also help you locate your sense of personal, independent, uninterrelated function. And then you'll start to feel anxiety. And if you can feel it and stay present with it, I say, that's good. If you can't, I say, I understand. It's not easy. It's painful to feel anxiety, even a little. So, many people don't feel much at all. As a matter of fact, they will say, I don't feel any anxiety.

[15:41]

And you better not do anything to make me feel anxious either. Matter of fact, if you're nice, you'll stop talking like that. Because that's making me nervous and anxious. Please be quiet. But it's okay to talk like that because even to talk like that, already you're getting in touch with something. Even to say that you're not anxious is pretty good. Some people don't even get in the position of having to deny it, you know, verbally. Once you get it out in the open and start saying, I'm not anxious, you're pretty close. If you start jumping up and down, screaming and hollering that you're not anxious, you're getting pretty close. Everybody will back away and say, hmm, pretty good. This guy's getting close to it. Something's happening. Methinks thou does protest too much. But I really do understand

[16:53]

that it's hard to feel anxiety. And as a matter of fact, I often look around and hardly can feel it at all. That's why I became a Zen monk and accepted lecture invitations. So I can get up in front of quite a few people and express myself and feel what that's like. Now I can feel myself here. Can you feel yourself? Anybody who can't can come up and sit next to me and share the talk. Want to, Lee? Well, I could just sit there. Well, come on up. You want to bring your cushion with you? Oh, there's plenty of room. Anybody else want to come up here? It's a nice view. No?

[18:01]

Everybody else can feel anxiety without coming up here? Oh, one more. Good. Anybody that's not feeling anxiety, come on up here. When am I going to get anxious? When? Are you going to help me with that? Am I going to help you with that? Am I helping you yet? Not yet. Okay. Not in the past. Okay. Any opening remarks, Lee? Well, I think that's enough for now. To the group? It's enough for now? Is there any questions? Do you have any questions? Any questions for Lee? No? Lee? Just tell him a little bit about Buddhism, would you? I don't know. You don't know? That's pretty expressive, Lee. Good going. Thank you. Come on, tell him something about yourself that you never told anybody before. I have to leave now. Good, good, good. That's good. Is this getting better? It's getting much better. Thank you. Anyway, you see what I mean? Anyway, I understand it's difficult, and so that's why I get up here with Lee.

[19:04]

I came to Zen Center partly to meet a Zen teacher. And I met a guy named Suzuki Roshi. I don't know if he's a Zen teacher or not, but I met him anyway. And I was happy to meet him. And I wanted to show myself to him. So I did. I came all the way across the country to show him my face so he could look at it and tell me if I was practicing Zen or not. And because I was always around, he could see me. And sometimes because I was always around, he could see me so much, he realized that I really wanted him to look at me and talk to me and stuff and give me some instruction about being present and how to meet him. This was my heart's desire, to meet him and become close to him and to

[20:15]

find a way to live as skillfully and compassionately as he did. And sometimes he was so kind to me, he called me into his room and gave me special attention. And when he did, I tried to get out of the room because I felt anxious. Even though I wanted my teacher to see all of me, Actually, there were some parts of me I wasn't sure if I wanted him to see. At the time, I thought, well, he's Japanese. He doesn't need to know. He wouldn't understand anyway. No need to bother him. So I didn't mention certain things. But even though I wasn't mentioning certain things, still sometimes I tried to get out of their room. Funny thing. So I understand it's difficult. And I've told you many times the story of where I went to Portland with him and he got very sick.

[21:29]

He had a gallbladder attack when we were doing a session in Portland. And on the way back, from Portland to San Francisco, I was sitting next to him, but I couldn't sit in my seat. I felt so much anxiety sitting next to my sick teacher. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't stand to sit in my seat. I did sit there. I didn't run around the plane, but my mind was far away. I couldn't stand to feel what I felt. It was too painful for my young practice to stay there. So I ran away. I felt ashamed, but I still couldn't stay there. But I forgive myself.

[22:34]

I just wasn't patient enough. to be able to stand the pain of being near my suffering teacher. Maybe now, after 24 more years practice, 25 more years practice, maybe now I could sit there and feel the anxiety And then if I could feel the anxiety, maybe I could feel that his pain was giving me my life at that time. In fact, now I can see that from a distance. And maybe I could feel it up close now. I don't know. The Buddhas all together who uphold the Buddha Dharma have made it the true path of enlightenment to sit upright practicing in the midst of the samadhi of anxiety.

[24:27]

And if we can sit upright in the midst of the samadhi of anxiety, we will enter into the samadhi of the self-fulfilling awareness. But this is the price of admission to Buddha's heart. We can't shrink back from feeling what it's like to be an independent operator. I mean, we can, but then we'll be in the outskirts of the flames. We'll be watching the flames from the outside rather than sitting in the middle with all the Buddhas. But we have to be patient to get to the middle and we have to be patient to stay there. But from what I've heard in the books and what I've seen in the masters and what I've seen in you people too,

[25:34]

When you're really willing to feel what's happening with you, I'm convinced that it is the true path. The true path is to simply feel what you feel without shrinking back or getting ahead. Just all out feel. Simple, huh? But so difficult. How are you feeling? I see some of you are asleep, so you're probably okay. The nice thing about sleep is sometimes anxiety can't get through.

[26:40]

Yes? Right. I understand. I understand. Yeah. Well, at that, yeah. At that time, we can't. It's like, sorry i can't stand it get me out of here get me out of this seat i can't stand sitting next to my teacher get me out of here but if you practice with what you can stand and what you can barely stand if you keep practicing on littler not such quite hot flames you can get more skillful and little by little you know they say little by little by working with the little pains you can work your way up to the big ones, to the full-scale pains.

[27:43]

So the ones, if you have a chance now, some little irritating thing, like somebody, you know, some of the people around here who are kind of rude to you, you know, when they're rude to you at that time, before you say thank you, just feel it. When people tell you they're disappointed in you, or they have a problem with you, or call you names, or make funny faces at you, and you feel pain at that, before you do anything else, feel it. Just feel it. And every time you feel a pain, you get a little more skillful at being upright in the midst of pain. That pain you feel... at the other, even before you know what it is, that's anxiety. When you make it into something, it becomes fear. To feel that stuff brings you back to the place to be. And if you keep working at it day after day, day after day, year after year, we do get more skillful until finally what was not possible to sit in the middle of before now will be.

[28:57]

So that those people who have been able to sit in the middle of such tremendous fire, they usually sit, from what I've heard and the ones I've talked to in person, that there was a time when they weren't so good. And I'm not so good still, but I'll tell you, if I was plopped down into the middle of my life now, 30 years ago, I would not be able to stand this life I have now. I have a wonderful life, but I feel much more pain now than I did 30 years ago. And there's been times between then and now when a little voice has said, I can't stand this. I can't stand this. But that little voice saying that helped me because it was out, I could hear it. It wasn't like I can't stand it in silence, which was driving me away.

[30:01]

When I heard I can't stand it, I could stand it. If you can't stand it and you can say it to yourself or say it to another, just saying it will help you be present. So it's good to have a friend who says, how are you? So you can say, I can't stand it. Stand what? Stand this. Well, how is it? When the Buddha sees someone down in the mud or in the flames, the Buddha doesn't reach down and pull people out of the mud and out of the flames. The Buddha goes up and says, I'm here. How are you feeling? How is it to be there? That question turns the person to the Dharma. When the person sees the Dharma, the person will be liberated from the mud. Of course the Buddha could pull us out, but then the Buddha would go pull somebody else out and we would jump back in the mud.

[31:03]

But if we can feel what it's like to be there, and again it may take us many years to fully feel what it's like to be mired in anxiety, and we can feel that and we can look at that, we will see the conditions for it. And we'll see that the conditions for it are exactly the reasons for liberation from it. The hassles and torments we feel are exactly the reason why we are not enchained and not tormented. Because all that harassment is really all things giving us our life. But if we don't feel that, we can't see that. If we don't feel our delusion, we can't feel our enlightenment. Experiencing delusion fully is freedom.

[32:06]

Liz? Is there a danger of amplifying the pain? There is a danger of amplifying the pain? Yeah, that's a danger. That's why we don't say, amplify the pain. That's not the instruction. I didn't say, go amplify pain. What you do is you sit upright, and that may seem like the pain's amplified because you may drop your guard from something which you've been pushing away. But that's not amplification. Yes, the main way to amplify is to try to amplify or try to reduce. Most people do not try to amplify, but some people would rather amplify than just feel it. Because at least they get to get a little thrill out of manipulation, which might distract them from the pain. You have some kind of sense of hands-on interaction, which is fine. Best way, though, is to feel.

[33:11]

Don't try to push it down. Don't try to lift it up. Don't try to, you know, don't put it down like this is bad. Don't esteem it and say, oh, great, pain. Both of those are off the mark. The way you deal with it is not by saying pain's good and saying pain's bad, by saying give me more, give me less. What you do is you become, well, like somebody said, you become a master of experiencing anxiety. Somebody actually said a master of anxiety, but you don't master anxiety, you master experiencing anxiety. And to get into like, oh, anxieties swell or blah, blah, or anxieties crappy, blah, blah, that's a distraction from becoming a master, a mistress, adept at feeling. We do feel we can become adept at our own natural processes.

[34:13]

And when you become adept at your own natural processes, you're liberated from them. When you give yourself wholeheartedly to what you're experiencing, it drops off. When you give yourself wholeheartedly to seeing yourself, you forget yourself. But it's not easy to wholeheartedly feel anxiety. That's why we have this propaganda program for experiencing it. That's why I'm rooting for myself and you to open up and experience your life. And I'm making these outrageous claims for what is possible if you are willing to feel what you're feeling. Now, just to jazz things up a little bit, I'll tell you a Zen story. It's called, Look Out for the Snake.

[35:19]

This took place supposedly a long time ago, more than a thousand years ago, in good old China. Lots of Zen monks were swarming the mountains at the time and they had lots of monasteries and they were having quite a time. Here's the introduction. Are you ready? the whale in the eastern sea, the turtle-nosed snake on South Mountain. Shui Fung, the great master, said to his congregation, On South Mountain, there's a turtle-nosed snake.

[36:26]

You people must watch out for it." The elder disciple Chongqing said, "'Teacher, today in the hall there are many people losing their bodies and lives. Later, a monk quoted this interaction to Shrensha. Shrensha said, Only Brother Chongqing could say this. However, even though he's right, I don't concur. The monk said, What do you mean, Master? And Shrensha said, Why use South Mountain? My eye fell out. Who's the straight man here?

[37:39]

Thanks, Lee. The great master, Shui Fung said, there's a turtle-nosed snake on South Mountain. South Mountain is where Shui Fung lived. That was his mountain that he lived on, where his monastery was. He said there's a turtle-nosed snake on South Mountain. Do you know what the turtle-nosed snake is? Do you know what it is? Huh? What do you think it might be? Huh? Shui Fung, yeah, Shui Fung. And what do you see? If you're here and Shui Fung was here, what would you feel? Whatever you fear, whatever you shrink from. And if you didn't shrink from it, then what would it be? If you didn't shrink from it, what would it be then?

[38:42]

What? Anxiety. Shui Fung and anxiety, pretty much the same thing. If you met Shui Fung... probably, unless you were completely enlightened, you'd feel some anxiety. I mean, Suzuki Roshi was pretty good, but, you know, and I ran out of the room with him, but you can imagine what it would be like to be in a room with Shui Fung, even in a big room. So, the turtle-nosed snake is anxiety. Watch out. Anxiety is in the room right now. Now this turtle-nosed snake, it doesn't say so in the case, but I can tell you what happens, what turtle-nosed snakes do. You know what they do? They eat people up. Anxiety eats people up. But these are nice snakes because after they eat people up... Oh, by the way, one other sort of zoological comment I have to make is that most of the snakes I've known, they don't chew up...

[39:52]

what they eat. They swallow it whole. Maybe some snakes chew them up, but I don't think so. Does anybody know? Does anybody know of snakes chewing something up? They swallow whole. When I was a little boy, I lived in the country for a while, and I had a snake collection, mostly garter snakes. And I used to find them in the swamp and bring them home, and I kept them in a little... snake house. And one time, one of my snakes got sick, and it did this really neat thing. It backed up. It went into reverse, those little treads, those little things. It backed up, and as it backed out, it put out two salamanders and one frog, perfectly shaped, except that they were gray, because they were partially digested. But otherwise, they were perfectly shaped. And I realized, with my home scientist kit, I realized the digestive process and the chewing process of snakes.

[40:54]

They swallow whole. Turtle-nose snakes are much bigger. They swallow whole human beings. Anxiety swallows whole human beings, whole, individual, self-centered human beings. And when we get swallowed by this turtle-nose snake, we feel a little worried and a little pained. It's not that pleasant, actually, to be inside this snake. It's dark, and there's all these digestive fluids oozing around us. It's uncomfortable. But if we can stay present, we will be excreted out the other end It doesn't seem nice, but guess what happens when you get excreted out the other end? You turn into your true self. Is this it?

[42:07]

So, can you allow yourself to be consumed by this terminal snake of anxiety? And if you can't feel the anxiety big enough to consume you, then go look for Shrey Fung. He'll show you an anxiety that can swallow you. He had 1,500 monks on South Mountain And quite a few got swallowed and came out the other end and then traveled all over China saving millions of people and millions of trees and mountains and rivers and flowers and salamanders and frogs. But you must allow yourself to be consumed. And who wants to do that? No one in their right mind. That's why if you just sit still, process will start and then go visit shrey fung and it will continue you'll feel the anxiety gradually in developing you you got to keep breathing though and you can breathe inside the snake that's the nice thing about the snake too you can keep breathing just keep breathing and keep feeling it may be a long process though it may be inside the snake for many years

[43:32]

That's not the problem. The problem is, do you wiggle? Do you fight your way out? Do you pretend like you're not there? If you pretend like you're not there, you don't get digested. But when you're digested, you come out Buddha. So that's why Chongqing said, teacher, today in the hall there are many people losing their bodies and lives. That's right. That's the right answer. However, when Shui Fung heard about that, he said, well, that's right, but I don't agree. And he said, why use South Mountain? Why did Shui Fung say on South Mountain, there's a turtle and no snake? Why did he have to say that? And one other cute detail in the story, which I didn't tell you yet, is that at the time when Shui Feng said, there's a turtle-nosed snake on South Mountain.

[44:36]

You people watch out. And the elder monk, Zhang Jing, said, teacher, right now in the hall, there's many people losing their bodies and lives. A young monk named Yun Mun, the great Yun Mun, when he was a little monk, he took his staff and threw it down on the ground and made a gesture of fright. as though the staff turned into a snake. This is in story. Think about it and see if you can make it come alive in the valley of the green snake. Okay? Well, it's getting late, so I guess I should close the shop for the night. I got a book that says so.

[45:39]

Someone asked me to sing a song, so I'm going to sing a song now. But I chose one that many of you know, so it won't be too difficult if you want to sing along. Since it's almost a solstice, I chose this song. It is almost a solstice, isn't it? Summer solstice? Ready? I hope I choose a good, what do you call it, key. Let's see. How does it go? Summertime and the living is easy. Fish are jumping and the cotton is hot.

[46:49]

Your daddy's rich And your mama's good looking So hush little baby Don't you cry One of these mornings You're gonna rise up singing You'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky. Until that morning, there ain't nothing can harm you.

[47:51]

So hush, little baby, don't you cry. Actually, it's okay if you cry.

[48:06]

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