When I sit for a long time with my legs crossed, I sometimes experience an intense sensation in my body, which could be called, in English, pain. Perfectly good word. And a lot of different intense sensations could be called pain. Different qualities in one particular area, different qualities and also different qualities in different areas. Anyway, there's a variety of intense sensations which I could call pain. I also sometimes feel something which might be called pain, which doesn't seem to be located any place in my body.

[01:06]

It seems to be located in images of conduct, an image of somebody doing something that doesn't seem so good. Like if I think of myself doing something that doesn't seem skillful, I feel uncomfortable. I can feel uncomfortable about that. It can have an intense sensation of shame. And also, I can perceive other people in such a way that I think, in such a way that I feel pain. During Sashin, people have a variety of pain, but it seems like they suffer in a different way during Sashin than they do session a lot of people so then I think they are sometimes come to me and they say how come we have the session how why did I sign up for this why do we put ourselves through this pain

[02:16]

And I didn't expect to discuss this with you today, but it always seems to come up, almost always. Some sessions, nobody comes and talks to me about pain. I think maybe that's happened sometimes. But this one, some people are talking to me about it, so I thought, oh, yes, we maybe should say something about that because some other people also might be struggling with how to make, how to respond to this experience. But also how to respond to the question that may arise in the practitioner about, well, is this way we practice ashi in a good way? Of practicing... So there's that question, is this a good way, getting a group of people together to do many hours of sitting for seven days?

[03:53]

There are some other forms of meditation intensive, which you may have heard of, where people get together for seven days or ten days or longer. or shorter, and they have 24 hours like we do, and they have sessions of meditation scheduled, and people attend them. And if they don't want to attend them, they don't. And after they attend them, if they decide that it was not such a good idea in the middle of a period of meditation, they leave. OR THEY CHANGE THEIR POSITION AND LIE DOWN, AND SO ON. SO THAT'S ANOTHER WAY OF HAVING A RETREAT. NO, NOT ANOTHER WAY.

[04:59]

THAT IS A WAY OF HAVING A RETREAT. BUT THIS WAY OF HAVING A RETREAT IS REALLY THE SAME. we have a schedule of meditations where we say we're going to, as a group, get together and sit for this period and then walk together and then sit together and have meals. And sometimes people don't come, and sometimes people leave in the middle. They decide it's not appropriate to stay any longer, and they leave. And sometimes people decide they should change their posture, and they do. And... So it's kind of the same. It's just a matter of kind of degree. And that is, during an average period, during an ordinary period, an ordinary period, right in this session right here, I think during an ordinary period, nobody decides to leave. It's not that uncommon that nobody walks out in the middle. Nobody decides, well, I think I'm going to leave now.

[06:02]

This is not a good idea to stay here. That's like a normal period, right? But any of you could leave if you wanted to. If you really thought it was a good idea, I would encourage you to leave if you thought it was a good idea. Not just an idea, but a good idea. I know that many of you think of it quite frequently. And I know many of you think it's stupid to stay. You think that thought, but then you think about it again. You think, well, it is stupid, but all these other fine people are sitting here who also have bodies. Hmm. Maybe I'll reconsider. And then you do. And sure enough, during a normal period, just a common period, everybody stays the whole time.

[07:05]

And so in some periods, which are actually not that uncommon either, nobody moves at all. And so it's like during a normal period, if anybody was watching this room, some person just strolled in here and looked, they would be amazed at what happens here, that this many people sit still that long. And then over and over. And sometimes people do leave, though. And oftentimes they leave and they have a good reason to leave. And it's a good that they leave. They have a good reason. And they tell the director of the meditation hall so the director doesn't worry because the director doesn't know why they're leaving. So they tell the director as they go out the door, I have to leave because it's a good idea. I think it would be helpful if I left for this reason or this reason or this reason, they'd say.

[08:14]

And usually it is a good reason. And usually it's helpful. And sometimes it isn't. And then they look back and they regret. They made a mistake. And sometimes they don't leave and they should and they regret it. And you learn. By trial and error, some periods you should move and you didn't. Some periods you did move and you shouldn't have because you see that it wasn't helpful. Then you learn. And little by little you learn how to take care of yourself under these circumstances of long sittings. I have said hundreds of sesshins.

[09:25]

And during many, or almost all of those sesshins, sometimes I've been wondering if maybe I should move. And sometimes I did, and sometimes I will. But I move, you know, in the spirit of not moving. And I move because it is, I think, good to move. But I don't really move. I just do the right thing. Not moving is the right thing to do. And everything you do all day long can be done in the spirit of not moving. Not moving means you're willing to be in this moment So there's different meanings of not moving.

[10:38]

I'm using it in different ways. So why do we put ourselves through this? You can make reasons or make excuses. So one excuse is that it gives you a chance to develop patience. It gives you a chance to develop patience with pain. Now you can develop patience with pain outside the session too. There's other opportunities. So it's not, this is the only situation where you can do that. Just another one. So it's a time with a great opportunity to develop great patience If you enter the sesshin, it's not that we enter the sesshin in order that there'll be pain.

[11:42]

That's not the point of it. It's just that when you sit still, you start to notice that there's pain. Even a new student doing her first sesshin can notice that no matter what position she's in, if she doesn't move in that position for a while, it becomes painful. So even a new student can realize, well, the way to avoid pain is just to be moving all the time. Just constantly move and you won't have any pain. Just make sure you never stop moving. Because as soon as you do, you're going to be vulnerable to pain. And that's what many people do. They keep moving all the time and they don't notice the pain.

[12:47]

It's always there. It's part of life. And the bodhisattva vow is not to turn away from it. Uncrossing your legs does not have to be a gesture of turning away from life. It can just be a reasonable thing to do. If you're sitting cross-legged and you're having a wonderful time and the bell rings, it's reasonable to uncross your legs. It doesn't mean you're turning away from life. If you're in excruciating pain and you uncross your legs, it doesn't mean you're turning away from life. You have to look honestly at yourself and see if you're turning away from life. If you are, then you are. And you will learn, if you're awake at that time, you'll learn that that's a mistake.

[13:53]

It is a mistake to turn away from life, but it is okay to make mistakes and learn that that's a mistake. But getting up from your meditation seat and taking a walk is not necessarily turning away from life. But you can also stay at your seat and not move and turn away from life. You can push yourself too hard and sit too long, and that can be a way of turning away from life. Being a sissy can be a way of not turning away from life and being super tough can be a way of turning away from life. But one can see honestly whether one is turning away from life as it is coming up now or whether one is gesturing towards intimacy with it, towards being big enough to contain the pain.

[14:56]

One can honestly look and see if one is willing to be in the moment just as it's happening. Willing to experience life as it's happening. And one often finds that one does not have the confidence that it's that good an idea. So one moves in order to turn away. Or one doesn't move. For example, one could be thinking, I think it would be good to move, but one could think, given the way life is for me, I will criticize myself if I move, so I want to move because I don't want to feel what happened to me if I did the right thing called moving.

[15:59]

So some people don't even do good things for themselves that they should do because they feel they criticize themselves. So they can't face what they'll do to themselves if they do the right thing. If they love themselves, they feel like they'll criticize themselves so they don't love themselves. because they can't stand what life would be like if they loved themselves. This is turning away from life too. We don't recommend going to look for pain. All we're recommending is don't move. Don't evacuate your life. Just face it. That's all.

[17:02]

And if no pain comes, fine. If pain comes, fine. Face it. And if it's pain, and you face it, and just face it, you will develop by that facing what's called patience, which is the primary cause of enlightenment. primary condition of enlightenment is patience, patience with life. So sometimes you don't have any pain, so then your patience can't grow much at that time. Don't worry. It's okay. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes you're not challenged by the pain. So your patience just sort of like is coasting along, not growing.

[18:03]

But when pain comes, here's an opportunity to realize Buddha through developing patience with it, facing it uprightly, gently, intimately. Not flinching. Not indulging. Not wallowing in it. Not banging your head against it. Just feel it. Someone came to me and she said, thank you. And I said, after a while, is that all? And she said, no. I want to say thank you to everybody. But since she's not giving the talk today, I want to say thank you to all of you on her behalf. I didn't ask her what she was thanking you for, but she says thank you to you all.

[19:12]

But I think some other people, I think, are grateful to you And what they're grateful to you for, what some of the people are grateful to you for, is they're grateful to you... they're grateful to you for being right where you are. Some people are really grateful to you for being right where you are. And many people, all over the country are grateful to you for sitting here quietly being where you are it helps them a lot to know that right now we're sitting here it encourages them not to run away from what's happening to them all over the country to know that some people are sitting there not running away or at least

[20:17]

practicing learning how to not run away from what's happening. And they're grateful to you for that. And I think you're grateful to each other for that too. That's how it can happen that we sit here like this, that we do this, each of us does this amazing thing, which almost none of us could do by ourself. And most of us would think we're crazy if we did by ourself. And some of us think it's crazy even doing it with the other people. But regardless of what we think, it's happening. Why do I enter sesshin?

[21:27]

Do I enter it because it's painful? No. Is it painful? Sometimes. I enter sesshin because when I'm doing sesshin, among the various things I say, one of the things I say is, this is the way I want to live. Sometimes the word ouch comes up, or owie. If I close my eyes to pain, if I do something so I can't see it, then I close my eyes to the truth also.

[23:17]

If I close my eyes to pain, I close my eyes to beauty. Now I don't go into Sashin, let me say it again, because of the pain. But if it arises and I don't close my eyes to it, then I start to see Because although I don't sit to satsang because of the pain, there's certain kinds of pain which somehow during my daily life I sometimes do close my eyes to. I must admit, to some extent. And therefore I close my eyes to truth to some extent. But when the pain is very bright and clear and I don't close my eyes to it, then I don't close my eyes to the other things either, the things I want to see.

[24:38]

But I can't see the things I want to see if I close my eyes to what I don't want to see. And open my eyes means just open my eyes. It doesn't mean, like, stare at it so hard that my eyes burn. Just face it. Just open to it. So I really think that might be the case, that the eye that closes to pain closes to truth and beauty The eye that opens to pain opens to truth and beauty. Don't go looking for pain. Just don't move.

[25:40]

Just be where you are without trying to get anything. And open your eye to what's happening. even if it's painful, and you'll see everything else too. Dogen Zenji says, this way is the comfortable way. It's the comfortable way to face life. So again, as I said at the beginning, in order to mature, in order to mature in this sitting still and facing what's happening, we need to feel held.

[26:46]

You can't, by your own power, dare to do this heroic journey, this heroic journey of sitting still under the bow tree like the Buddha. The Buddha was supported by the great earth. He wasn't sure at some point. There was a demon in his ear which said, who do you think you are to sit still? And he thought, yeah, that's right. How arrogant of me. But maybe it's not by my own power. Maybe the whole earth is supporting me. I'll just take a little pole here. So he touched the earth. He knocked on the earth. Hello, earth goddess. Are you supporting me to do this? Am I doing this for the benefit of all beings on earth? And the great earth shook in six ways and cried a thousand voices and said, yes, you can sit here for the benefit of all beings.

[28:09]

This is not a personal power trip you're doing here. We support you, little prince. If we feel that support, we can sit and mature. We can face what's happening without trying to get anything. We can practice the way without trying to get anything. the thousands of eyes throughout our body can open.

[29:13]

One of the monks told me that at the beginning of a session, she once said on the first day, she said, okay, let's have it. Most people wait a little while before they ask for it. They usually say, hold back a little bit longer, would you please? I'll take a little bit later. Usually by this time, this is the third day, second and third day are the hardest for most people. On the third day, people are starting to think, well, maybe I might as well just... And by the fourth day, most people are pretty much like, okay, this is it, I guess. I'm in this. This seems to be happening, and I might as well stop fighting it. And then that's when your body and your mind start to open to the truth, and it just starts to seep into you, and the beauty starts to seep into you because you're not trying to be someplace else.

[31:22]

So maybe now you're just about ready, almost everybody. Everybody's been sitting really well. You're sitting so well, but I don't know if inside you're completely opening to this, everybody. On the outside, you're sitting really well. Everybody's still. But inside, are you holding back a little bit still? I would recommend you just open up all the way now, and then you can enjoy the rest of the session. You can just feel the truth raining on you. It is raining, you know. It's coming. That's happening, so just open up to it.

[32:32]

You are being held. All these people, the whole earth is holding you. You are supported to do this. Everybody wants you to do this. Everybody wants you to realize Buddha, the great patient, the great compassionate, the great unmoving, the great unprejudiced. Buddha mind, Buddha heart. I'm just so happy for you.

[34:11]

You have this wonderful opportunity. I pray that every...

[35:20]

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