So this morning I'd like to present to you Buddha's Way as the total engagement of the self. May I have that? Now this is a whisk. Originally it was used, and still can be used, to encourage insects to back off. If you're practicing meditation, In a place where there's lots of insects, if you have one of these whisks and you're having trouble letting the insects crawl on you or bite you, you can just swing this whisk and a lot of them will move away.

[01:16]

And that way you can be happy and they can be happy. It protects you from becoming a murderer. And also, because of that, it has become a symbol of the path of non-murder, the path of the Buddha, the path of gentleness and wisdom. So in China and Japan and other parts of the world too, teachers of the path of gentleness sometimes carry these fly whisks when they give talks. And so I'm going to tell a story about this path of total engagement of the self, which features this implement.

[02:24]

Are you ready for this story? In China, in the Sung Dynasty, one of the ancestors of the practice lineage of this temple, his name was Daokai, Furong Daokai. He went to visit a teacher named Tozu. And he said to the teacher, the thoughts and words of the Buddhas and the ancestors seem like ordinary, everyday rice and tea.

[03:34]

Is there anything else that they have to teach people?" And the teacher told them, said, "'You tell me,' the teacher said, "'You tell me, does the emperor or empress in her own realm depend on the authority of the ancient kings. As Daukai was about to speak, the teacher covered his mouth with the whisk. and said, as soon as you started to think, you already received 30 blows.

[04:58]

At that time, Dalkai woke up. He bowed in gratitude to the teacher and started to leave. The teacher said, what did you see that you now are leaving? And Dalkai did not look back. Again, the teacher said, wait, Reverend. Have you reached the ground where there's no doubt? Daukai covered his ears with his hands. This is my story about total engagement of the self.

[06:27]

When Daukai, it looks to me like when Daukai first came to talk to the teacher, he was wondering, basically, besides being totally engaged in your everyday activities? Is there anything else you need to do to teach people, to help people? And the Buddhas, what about the Buddhas? Besides their ordinary everyday drinking tea and having rice, do they have anything else to teach people? He was wondering about that. And the way he was wondering was not a total engagement in his wondering. He was a spectator in his own wondering. He was asking the teacher, can the way possibly be for me to just to be me?

[07:46]

for me to totally engage my limited individual existence of being a person who eats tea and drinks rice. And you heard what the teacher says. You tell me, does the empress in her own realm, giving commands in her own realm, does she depend on the authority of the ancient queens? And he thought about that. But the way he thought about it, he was not present enough. So the teacher covered his mouth as he was about to respond and said, as soon as you thought, as soon as you started to think, you already deserve thirty blows.

[09:05]

But finally he joined himself and became awake. It's so simple. Just completely engage yourself and that will be your way. But how can we totally engage ourself? Lately, quite lately, I've been asking some people when they come to talk to me, what's bothering you most? Or anyway, what's bothering you?

[10:09]

If possible, what's bothering you most? And what's bothering you least? What's bothering you most? I ask that question because it seems to me that what's closest to us bothers us most. If you can discover what's bothering you most, you find yourself right there. not your abstract self necessarily, although it might be there.

[11:10]

You find a part of yourself where you can engage, where you can grapple with it, where you have a real concrete sense of it. And you can keep track of it because it's right by where you're bothered. There's various pretend selves where we aren't bothered. They're kind of like yourself off sides. So again, in a sense, what I'm proposing to you is if you can find your pain, you can find yourself.

[12:36]

And by settling into that pain, you will be able to settle into a self that you really care about. Even though you may not like to care about that self, you do. That's why you're bothered at that point. And that point there, that pain, that self that's bothered, if you can totally engage there, or not if you can totally engage there, but if there can be total engagement with that, I propose to you that that pain will turn into a pearl. It won't necessarily turn into pleasure. And maybe it isn't the pain that turns into the pearl but the self that turns into the pearl.

[13:40]

And then that self can roll on itself again and again like a pain in an oyster, the stuff that gets into oysters, that pains them. I don't know what would happen to an oyster if you put a pearl in an oyster. I don't know if a pearl would bother an oyster. But I hear that when sand gets in the oysters, they respond to it. They put some oozy stuff around it, and they keep turning it and oozing around it, until they turn that irritant into a pearl. And then that pearl can turn on itself, and turn on itself, and turn on itself. Recently, I heard a song, and I don't know if it's the best way to tell the story.

[15:08]

I heard a song. Here's the way the song sometimes goes. And I have trouble getting the melody of the song, so if I get it wrong, please let me Notice when I get it wrong. If I get it wrong, I might not. Notice what bothers you most. And then right around where you feel bothered, see if you can sense somebody there who's being, what that thing is there that's being bothered. On the other hand, I might get the tune right and then you won't be able to find this. Sorry. I'm gonna try to do it right though. You must remember this.

[16:14]

A kiss is just a kiss. A smile is just a smile. the fundamental things of life as time goes by. So, I agree with this song mostly. I agree with, well I would say, you really, it would be good if you would remember this I don't know about this must. Okay, I'll say must. You must remember this. You must remember... No. You must remember this. Anyway, I think it's true that a kiss is just a kiss. And a smile is just a smile. I agree with that part. And I think we really must remember that. Not remember it like go around remembering it all the time, but when...

[17:17]

At the occasion of a kiss, remember that it's just a kiss. And on the occasion of a smile, remember that it's just a smile. Or notice that it's just a smile, please. The part I don't agree about, I think that is a fundamental of life, I agree with that part. The part I don't agree about is as time goes by, Well, maybe I would agree with that too, except in the sense of if you live in a world where time goes by, then you should remember that a kiss is just a kiss because when a kiss is just a kiss, time doesn't go by. When a smile is just a smile, time does not go by. When a kiss is more than a kiss, time goes by. When a kiss is less than a kiss, time goes by.

[18:21]

But when a kiss is just a kiss, time does not go by. Time, in that case, does not move. When you are just you, time does not move anymore or any less. And this is the end of suffering. And it is the place from which compassion comes forth. But the thing I wanted to tell you partly was when I heard that song recently I didn't hear it the way I just said it to you. What I heard was You must remember this. A smile is not a smile.

[19:26]

No, a kiss is not a kiss. A smile is not a smile. That's what I heard. And I thought, wow. That's great. I guess you didn't think so. But then I realized, I said that to somebody and I sang that song to somebody because I thought, I never noticed before that it had those words. I misheard it. And I thought, boy, I never noticed that this was a Buddhist song. But actually it's a Buddhist song in the usual way and in the way I misheard it. The way I misheard it is the way that it is when you practice it the first way. When for you a kiss is just a kiss and a smile is just a smile, then you will realize that a kiss is not a kiss and a smile is not a smile.

[20:36]

Kisses are good and so are smiles. But what about not kisses and not smiles? We sometimes have trouble with those. I propose that the reason why we have trouble with no kisses and no smiles is because we do not practice a kiss being just a kiss and a smile being just a smile. That's my proposal. That's my faith. That's my understanding. That's my practice. Pretty simple, huh? But hard to let a kiss just be a kiss. Because we think that somehow it could be more or less.

[21:47]

And because when a kiss is just a kiss, or I should say to realize the realm where a kiss is just a kiss, somehow to wake up to that and to open our eyes to that usually involves noticing what's bothering us. And because we close our eyes to what's bothering us, we can't stand to look at anything else either, really. A kiss is just a kiss means you allow yourself to actually be totally the way you are.

[22:57]

And again, I propose to you that the way to locate yourself is to find out what's bothering you most. Right around there you might be able to find the thing which you think is you. Part of what's bothering us is our uncertainty about whether we can be this way. Maybe not for you, I'll just speak for myself. I'm somewhat uncertain about whether I can actually express myself, whether this is actually alright for me to be the way I am. So I'm not saying that this is the way it is for you, but from talking to people I find that almost everybody that I talk to, and I haven't talked to all of you, has that problem.

[24:14]

They're not sure it's okay to be the way they are. It's not okay with them or with somebody else. They think, maybe. And if we won't let ourselves be the way we are, then it's pretty hard for us to realize that we're not that way. In other words, that we're totally free of ourselves. in the extremity, at the limit of being yourself, you meet the total release from yourself. Look at that guy, Daokai.

[25:21]

Look at that guy, Daokai. He came looking for himself, trying to meet himself, using the teacher to help him find himself, asking if Buddha's having their thoughts and their words was just like the most ordinary activity. He thought maybe it was, but he wasn't sure. If Buddhas can be that way, could I be that way? Are Buddhas that way? If yes, then I could be myself. Is that what Buddhas are? Is that what Buddha realized? Did Buddha realize what he was? Yes, that's what he realized. The Dharma is what you are. And what you are is not what you are.

[26:27]

What you are is not what you think you are. Who you are is not who you think you are. But at the extremity of who you think you are and what you think you are, you will meet who you aren't. And you realize that you are contradictorily identical with who you aren't. And the more contradictory you realize you are, the more you realize fully who you are. And nobody's going to do this work if they can't even face what's bothering them because this kind of work is difficult, is bothersome.

[27:45]

It involves extreme dynamic interaction It's this pearl turning on itself. So I can't quite do it, but what I want to do is lean back. I can sort of do it. Lean back so people back can see I have my knees off the ground and spin on my butt like a top. Buddha's mind is like a spinning top. It's the self sitting on itself and spinning radiantly, dynamically spinning on itself. Not just settling into itself, but settling into itself and spinning on itself, like a spinning top. Or like we say, like a vigorously jumping fish. Watch Daokai.

[28:50]

coming to the teacher saying, did the Buddhas have anything more than just thinking and talking? Do they have anything more to teach people other than their ordinary drinking tea and eating rice? Do they have anything more? And the teacher says, now you look at it. You tell me. Are you referring to any other authority than yourself when you ask me that question? To live your life, do you rely on somebody else's authority, on your ancestor's authority, on your boss's authority, on your spouse's authority, on your children's authority? Do you rely on someone else's authority to live your life in your own realm? Look at that. And the monk tried to answer the question, but he veered from that place and he got a whisk in the mouth.

[29:52]

And the teacher said, as soon as you thought about this, you did it again. And then he got to that place. And he left, expressed his gratitude, but he left. And he would not any longer play the game of getting his information about his life from somebody else, even though that somebody else was the way he found himself. It is through the other that you find yourself, and when you find yourself, you find the other. And yet, you're not depending on the other going into this study is what we call right here in this temple we call it going down into the cave of the green dragon and this is what it's been called for more than a thousand years going down into the cave of the green dragon the green dragon is yourself but it's yourself

[31:18]

at a slight distance or a great distance? Actually, probably a slight distance. If it's far enough away, it's maybe not a green dragon. Maybe it's just a little speck of green on the hill. Or maybe it's just a green valley. But when you realize it's yourself, it turns into a dragon. And you must remember this. You must remember this. You must remember this green dragon, which is yourself at a bothersome distance, close enough so it gets to you, far enough away so you're not at peace. When you become one with this dragon, your work is done. Then you are the dragon that you've always been, and you can go to work So it's very fortunate that this temple is called Green Dragon Temple.

[32:30]

You can come down into this place and remember your work a great Zen teacher, one of our ancestors. Maybe I shouldn't say great. Anyway, one of our ancestors. His name was, we call him now, Tien Tung Ru Jing. Tien Tung was the mountain he lived on. Before he lived on Mount Tiantong, he lived on Mount Qingsi.

[33:40]

He moved from Qingsi to Tiantong. When he lived on Qingsi, he got up on the teaching seat one day and he said, half a year just having rice and sitting on one peak. This sitting cuts through thousands of layers of misty clouds. One sudden clap of roaring thunder. Spring in the mystic village. The apricot blossoms are red. You want to see the red apricot blossoms?

[34:50]

Sit on one peak and have rice for six months. You know where wand peak is? What's your address? What's your address? Your wand peak address. Your address is what's bothering you. Sit on what's bothering you and have rice for six months. This same teacher, Reverend Tien Tung said to his monks one time,

[36:16]

I heard that Bai Zhang, Bai Zhang's another great Zen teacher, he said, I heard that Bai Zhang was asked by a monk, what is the most extraordinary thing? And Bai Zhang said, sitting alone on Da Xiong Peak. Reverend Tien Tung said that when he was living on Mount Tien Tung after he had moved there from Mount Jingsi. A monk, he said, I heard Baijian was asked by a monk, what is the most extraordinary thing? And Baijian said, sitting alone on Da Xiong Peak.

[37:22]

Dachshund, by the way, means great sublime, great sublime peak. What's the most extraordinary thing? Sitting alone on the great sublime peak. You know what the great sublime peak is? It's the same thing for you that it was for the great Zen master, Bajong Waihai. The great mystic peak is you. The most extraordinary thing is to sit alone on that peak. The assembly cannot, the whole assembly of living beings cannot move her.

[38:30]

For now, let him totally sit. The reason why the whole assembly of living beings cannot move you from your place is because it is because of all living beings that you're on your place. Everyone has put us where we are. We could not be who we are, how we are, except that all living beings are letting us, are allowing us to totally sit. You are allowed to totally sit on the most sublime peak right now. After quoting that, Tien Tung said, today, if someone asked me what they asked Bai Zhang, in other words, what's the most extraordinary thing, he said, I would say, is anything extraordinary?

[40:10]

What do you mean? The bowl of ching se has moved. I am having rice on tian tong. In the domain of Buddhas, there is always something extraordinary. Sitting alone on the sublime peak, being allowed to totally sit is itself an extraordinary thing. Even more extraordinary is the bowl of qingzi has moved. I'm having tea, I'm having rice on Tiantong. In the Buddha realm, you know where the Buddha realm is?

[41:20]

In the Buddha realm there's always something extraordinary. You sitting alone on yourself is extraordinary. But also even more extraordinary is you having rice. Each and everything we do is just having rice. Each and everything you do is sitting alone on the sublime peak. now I ask myself am I sitting alone on the most sublime peak holding these glasses in my hand aside from the thoughts that you have in your mind right now

[43:22]

Is there anything else you have to use to help people? If you think about it, if you think about my question, you immediately already have received 30 blows. Now sucking on my glasses, Is there anything else? Can you find this sublime peak that is not the slightest bit away from you? You've heard about it.

[44:30]

I told you about it. I heard myself talking. Now, will you practice? Will you practice the everyday rice and tea of the great compassionate Buddhas? Or do you have something else to do? Do I have something else to do? The priest Da'an taught the assembly. I have been living on Mount Gwe for 30 years and have been eating Mount Gwe's rice and shitting Mount Gwe's shit. I have not studied my ancestors' Zen, but just see a single white buffalo.

[45:44]

When it wanders off the road and begins grazing, I yank it back. When it trespasses onto other people's rice fields, I whip it. In this way, I've been taming it for a long time. Such an adorable one. It understands human speech, and now... So I also have been spending some time training a single buffalo, which sometimes veers off the path, veers away from its seat on the peak of the great and sublime.

[46:54]

It wanders off and thinks it has something else to do. And I, well, maybe yank it, anyway, pull it back onto its work. And then it turns into a white ox, which is a symbol in Buddhism of the Buddha's way, of the Buddha vehicle. And it wanders around all day long in the form of us. You can't drive it away I can't drive it away. But we can not realize it by not paying attention to our work. What's our work?

[48:02]

Having rice and drinking tea. What's our work? Sitting at our address. This is Zen, huh? This is Zen. One time, a monk came to visit the great teacher, Jiaojiao. The superintendent showed the monk in to see the teacher.

[49:12]

The teacher said to the monk, Have you been here before? The monk said, Yes, I have. The teacher said, Have some tea. Drink some tea. The superintendent showed the next interviewee in. The next monk came in. The teacher said, have you been here before? The monk said, no, I have not. The teacher said, drink some tea. After the monk left, the superintendent said, teacher, when people have been here before and people have not been before, you tell them both to have tea. What's the reason for this? Jojo said to the superintendent, superintendent.

[50:18]

The superintendent said, yes, sir. He said, have some tea. You understand? You can't drive this practice off. It's there all the time with you. It's waiting for you to adore it. Do you adore such a practice? You must remember this. A kiss is just a kiss. A smile is just a smile.

[51:19]

The fundamental things of life. Then time stands still. At least that's what I think. And that's the way I'm going to spend the rest of my life. Disgust. I have a question. You're looking at that about the pain and I resisted, I resent it. It's an irritant and I it's hard for me to embrace it. Did you hear what she said?

[52:24]

No. Shall I say it louder? Go ahead. I said this thing about how an irritant can turn into a pearl, and she said she had a sense of that somewhat, but then she also sometimes feels like she resists the irritant. And what else do you do with it? I resent it. And resist and resent the irritant instead of embracing it. And she said, how's that or what to do about that? Yeah, so how to be with that. So you can embrace your lack of embracing. You can embrace your resistance. The way you embrace it is just remember this. Resistance is just resistance. Resentment is just resentment. And then the resentment turns into another kind of... another kind of working the pearl, maybe the partially formed pearl, which still has lots of rough edges still exposed, and also the way of working with it is also another kind of thing you have to work with.

[53:32]

So you're making multiple pearls, maybe, in a sense, simultaneously. And in fact, well, I didn't say this, but when you make a pearl, all beings are made into pearls. simultaneously because all beings are helping you make the pearl and all beings are offering you the irritant. Yes. You're one of my biggest irritants of all.

[54:37]

And every time I come in contact with you, the mind starts engaging, and I know I'm getting 30 blows for the mind being working, and yet that's the only way I know. is to let this mind work and get beat up in the process. And I'd sure like to eliminate some of these blows, but maybe I can't. Such an adorable thing. Such an adorable one. She's better than any of my students who aren't bothered by me. Of course, some of them are, so that's okay. But do they say so? Yes, they say so.

[55:38]

But some of them are totally committed to working with the irritant. which they let me they let me be the main irritant in their life because they trust that I'm really this way because I'm going to keep being this way and this way and this way that's my commitment and that's how I will be most of service to other people to show them that that's their path too If I can get by with it, maybe they can. Not to mention that if it's not just getting by with it, but that this is actually the key point in freedom, is being honest about, you know, your limitations. But people do have problems with people who are actually there.

[56:50]

They also have problems with people who aren't there. But I think, relatively speaking, most people have problems with people who are really there. And some people have problems with people who are really avoiding where they are. Of course, sometimes people avoid it so much that they may become problems because of the cruel things that they do as they're running away from themselves. But some people are kind of like, are just cruel to themselves and don't relate to other people too much. And they can hide out for quite a while and people, oh, I'll just let them. Thank you. But what do you do with these thoughts that keep coming up all the time? What do you do or what do I do? Okay, I'm concerned mostly about me. What thoughts? Thoughts that, these irritating thoughts that seem to be... Well, give me an example of an irritating thought.

[57:59]

That the story that you told about the monk who said that as soon as he spoke, the teacher stuck the... duster thing in his mouth to stop him. I know that when my thoughts arise, generally they cause a lot of turmoil and a lot of pain. But it seems that through those thoughts, that's the way out of it. Yes. That's exactly what the story's about. It's through those thoughts that is the way out of it. That's right. So you shouldn't stop the thoughts, you should... He didn't stop the thoughts by putting a whisk in his face. He just said, the fact that you thought is already 30 blows. Just like you realize the fact you're thinking is your greatest punishment. Nothing can punish you more than your own thoughts. But there's no need to say anything more about it.

[59:03]

So that's why he stopped them, to tell them. that right there, that thought he was having, the teacher asked him a question. Now you tell me, you know, does Peggy's activity and Peggy's realm depend on somebody else's authority? You tell me. As soon as you think about that, you've already been punished by yourself. There's no need to talk about it. But when he said it to him, the guy woke up and realized that him being himself did not rely on anybody else's authority. And somebody else's authority helped him realize that. So we contradictorily do not depend on other people. So very much it was through his thoughts. When the teacher said, as soon as you thought it was 30 blows, he realized that his thought was his punishment. He saw that and he woke up to the nature of thought and how his thought drives him away from his own home. It's our own thought that makes us isolated, alienated, and disturbed by all sentient beings.

[60:09]

Until we make ourselves and others one, we're going to be anxious and restless. And our thinking naturally makes us separate from others. And as soon as we engage in that, that's our punishment. The monk was crawling into that space of that place of his true authority, which is really what he is, which is this person who is completely self-identical with what he isn't. He was working his way into there and he had one thought away. One thought away from that place, and he was going to speak it. The teacher stopped him and said, that's the place. That's your problem. He sought and unified his mind. And then he theatrically demonstrated his understanding by not paying attention to the teacher, by respecting the teacher and saying thank you, but then leaving as a kind of like theater of his awakening.

[61:12]

And the teacher called him. He wouldn't turn back. The teacher called again, covered his ears. But it's only a good story to cover your ears when he calls to you. You cover your ears because you heard him. You cover your ears because you heard him and you only said, I now understand that I'm identical with you who aren't me. Being identical with what you think is you is nothing. You already do that. But to realize you're identical with what isn't you Then the anxiety drops away. Then the restlessness drops away. And it is your thoughts that you get to that place through, because your thoughts bother you. So by watching your thoughts bother you, you get to the place where unification is realized. We receive the empty sky with joint poems. But it's good that you asked this question.

[62:19]

You see, she was irritated and misunderstood me and it got to her. So she asked me and found out that it wasn't really true. I was saying exactly what you were saying. And everything is like that. But it was the difference that got you to come and meet me on that point. It was the difference and it was the pain. Yes. You talked about when you say to people, what bothers you the most? Excuse me, Sally, not Peggy. What bothers you the most? I'm wondering what you look for or what your meaning is when you ask them what bothers you the least. Well, when I say bothers you the least, I'm kind of referring to the fact that There is a very subtle bothering that's always happening, which you can barely notice whenever you meet anybody.

[63:27]

So like, even your child or your closest friend, it bothers you a little bit to the extent that you think they're not you. The fundamental disturbance of our mind is that we think there's something outside it. That's the basic disturbance. And as long as we think that there's something external to us, we're on some level disturbed and anxious. And you can't, we can't willfully weld self and other together. But by living at this meeting place, we realize that this is contradictorily self-identical with this.

[64:37]

I am not her, she is exactly me. This is the dynamic world of real life, the world of I'm me, I've got to assert my understanding, my view, and I have to listen to others at the same time. This is paradoxical. That's the real life. That's the real dynamic. That's the way human beings really are. You said something on that point, following up that point, that by looking at what's bothering you, you what, in terms of understanding yourself? By looking at what's bothering you, you find out usually what's quite close to you, and by finding out what's quite close to you, you find out the limit of you.

[65:45]

When you find a limit of you, you start to notice more and more how what's on the other side of the limit makes you. So the basic, one of the basic, you know, in Zen we say the fundamental issue is birth and death. Becoming aware of death is the birth of the self. There's no sense of self without a sense of death of self. When we start to become aware that we're bothered by our death, we witness the birth of ourselves. So we start to realize that death and birth are contradictorily self-identical. And how we're born from all living beings. But the way to discover that, again, is usually, the easiest place to discover it is in who is bothering us.

[66:49]

Or what? Or what? Because that's the place we feel this otherness which makes us. And rather than sort of like conceptually thinking about it, all you need to do is feel the pain. As you feel the pain, you start to notice. Like I gave the example a while ago, somebody... Somebody was sitting, and so the way to feel the pain, you don't have to look for the pain, just sit still. And you'll start to become aware of something's bothering you. Now, when you first start thinking about it, you may not think it has much to do with you necessarily. You just think something's bothering me. Maybe something other than me is bothering me. Or something about me, but you still don't necessarily find yourself exactly. But one example I gave is somebody said that when he was sitting, he was bothered by his swallowing.

[67:59]

When people sit, sometimes they're bothered by swallowing, especially beginners, because the swallowing sounds kind of loud. And the reason why he was bothered by the loud swallowing was he felt was because he was... he thought it would bother his neighbors. Then he realized the reason why he was worrying about it bothering his neighbors is because he thought his neighbors wouldn't like him. And then he realized that there was a self there who was worried about his neighbors not liking him, which was revealed to him by becoming aware that he was bothered by his swallowing. So at first the swallowing doesn't seem like it's locating the self, but if you watch it for a while, just sit there and watch what you're bothered by, it will usually come down to your self. And somebody else, I said, he asked me about instruction in sitting, and I said, don't move. And he practiced it. And he was successful, he thought.

[69:00]

And then he thought, hey, I'm great. And then he felt embarrassed that he was arrogant. And he started to locate his self. Not by looking for it, but by having it revealed to you. So I often recite the quote from the Walden Pond by Thoreau. All you need to do is sit still long enough in an attractive spot in the forest and all the inhabitants will exhibit themselves to you in turn. And as they exhibit themselves to you, you learn who you are. If you say, okay, I'm going to study bears today, that's fine. But you don't necessarily learn about yourself by going and studying what you think you should study. It's when the thing presents itself and it comes according to its schedule, not yours.

[70:03]

He didn't choose, today I'm going to study my problem with swallowing. He didn't say, okay, today I'm going to be embarrassed about being arrogant. He just thought, I'm great, and then was embarrassed. What presents itself to you is what you work with. And what presents itself to you, particularly in terms of what's bothering you, that's where your real work will happen. And again, say, okay, such and such bothers me, so I'm going to go look at that. Well, be careful. maybe that there's some other way that you'd be bothered which would be more fruitful because you didn't choose it. It just came to you. So how would you look at that if it comes to you when you don't want it to come and you're upset, what would you do at that moment? Just sit with it? When you're upset that something comes that you don't like? Right. Like some pain or something?

[71:05]

Right, some pain. Would you just sit with the pain? Yeah. And isn't that it? No, that's not it. Then you'll start to see stuff. You'll start to see the cause of the pain. So you're not looking for the cause? Well, if you look for the cause, you'll just find something that you wanted to find. But it... Huh? It's that example, you know, that famous cartoon of Mutt and Jeff. They're standing by a street lamp and a policeman comes over and says, what are you looking for? And they say, we're looking for the watch. He said, did you lose it here? And he said, no, we lost it up in the dark. But we can't see, the light's better here. So where we can see clearly, that's what we want to study. Just talking about the experience, let's say you feel anger or fear, just sit with that. Well, yes, feel anger and fear, but not just anger, but anger that bothers you.

[72:09]

Right. Like if you're just angry and enjoying it, you know, that's that. But if you're angry and it's bothering you, then it bothers you something to do with yourself. Like you think, well, you know, I'm a compassionate person here, I am being angry. Right. Or rather, here I'm being angry, I feel uncomfortable with the anger. Why do I feel uncomfortable with the anger? Well, I think because I don't think I should be angry. I don't like being angry. There's something about me that doesn't go with. So if it goes with you, fine. There's not much to work with there. Let's say it doesn't go with you. What are you going to do then? Then you see that there's something to do with it. You'll see, you'll just accept that it doesn't go with you. And then you'll notice it doesn't go with you. And then you start to notice you. And you start to notice that you were identified by what doesn't go with you. You start to see, I found myself by what doesn't go with me. That what doesn't go with me showed me me. Isn't that contradictory? And yet that starts to show you who you really are.

[73:10]

That you're a person who becomes aware of himself and actually exists because of what doesn't go with him. Before you were aware of what doesn't go with you, you really were going around with yourself but not knowing about it. And you discovered what doesn't go with you by the pain. The pain showed you that this doesn't go with you. And yet, realizing that this doesn't go with you, then there was you. Before you're aware of what doesn't go with you, you have no sense of you. And the first thing that doesn't go with you is your death. And when you become aware of death, your death, then there's you, which is not death. But, If it wasn't for that, there wouldn't be you. And beings who cannot be aware of their death do not have a self. And yet, somehow we forget about that and we just concentrate on the self without forgetting the self is born from what doesn't go with it, with what contradicts it, with what negates it.

[74:11]

That's how it's born. And we forget about all that and live over here. But then we start to feel pain because the pain is saying, hey, This version of life is a cramp, is a limit, is squashing it. Life is not like this. Life is like this. Self and other, self and other dancing, self making other, other making self. We're dancing with all beings. That's what life is. Life's not this one-sided thing. This person trying to do good doesn't do good. It's our togetherness, it's our mutual causation of each other that is good. Everything else is simple. Everything from over here is just vanity. It's just vanity. And you're lucky if you feel the pain of that vanity. If you feel the pain, if you look at the pain, you'll notice the pain is caused. This is bugging this. But actually, this is bugging this because this, this, everything else in the universe is saying, don't cramp life with this self.

[75:19]

We gave you life, don't you remember? Wake up to that, and you do wake up to it. When you start to realize this contradiction and settle into this contradictory quality of your human nature, you start to become aware of what you really are. Namely, you're fulfilled. You're fulfilled by everything that isn't you. You're fulfilled by everything that originally bothered you. All the problems of your life are simply for your benefit. And this is a contradiction to what human beings usually think. They think that what's, you know, not afflicting you and is benefiting you, according to your idea of benefit and what's comfortable for you, they think that is what's beneficial. And I would say that feeling that way is good until you develop a self.

[76:26]

And when you have a nice strong self, which has to be a nice strong child self, and I think you have to have a strong self, I think, that crosses over puberty, you have to get through that too. And when you have a self, then you're ready to learn about reality. So I don't think you should, we shouldn't then try to be cruel to children or worry about children If they're having a sense of being supported and receiving support and nurturing from the environment, you need that in order to be sensitive to the fact of your death. So if the environment's too hostile, you can't feel your death. And if you can't feel your death, you can't develop a self. And if you can't develop a self, then you just spend all your time trying to develop a self. Human beings will just keep working to do that until they get it.

[77:29]

And when you get it, and it's nice and strong, then you can notice that how it was born. Namely, it was born from what isn't it. And then you can reverse the process and become free. Okay? I didn't say, is that easy? I said, okay. When I say, okay, I don't mean, is it easy to do? I mean, did you understand how to work? It is not easy because it involves becoming sensitive and open to what's bothering you. You're already bothered. Everybody's bothered. That's not the problem. I'm not telling you to be bothered. I'm telling you that if you want to learn about yourself, then just find out what's bothering you.

[78:33]

It's already going on. And I suggest to you that you and I are bothered by every single thing that we think is not us. It disturbs us. Everything. Yes, Carla. I was just thinking, we've worked a lot of years with children, is that it's classic, you know, the thing that makes you so angry about the child. It just really makes you angry. Like, if they won't do, you say, put that on the shelf for me. And they say, do this or bring me that. And it just makes you mad. One of the things that makes me mad, that doesn't make me mad, actually, but a lot of people that makes me mad. I like to fight. I like it when they tell me no. But some people get very angry, and it's because... They don't dare say no to their father. I mean, it's just classic. The thing that bothers me are bullies.

[79:35]

And I think, oh, it's because I'm such a bully. You know, I can really be a bully if I want to be a bully. And the minute I say that, I'm right back where I'm supposed to be, which is seeing the real child and not seeing... this little monster bullying somebody. And of course you stop that happening, but it's like it changes everything. And what it does is put you in contact with your own pain of being bullied when you were a kid or whatever. And so everyone is so different, but I find the same thing when you sit with children when things are out of hand. I just sit in the middle of the children. Of course, I'm working with three-year-olds. It's a little different right now, but I've worked with all ages. And I sit... They come to you like little forest creatures. And it's just amazing. And when things are getting mild, they just go sit in the middle. And they all start coming over and showing you things and talking to you. And they're like little flowers. And I find that I learn incredible things that I didn't know.

[80:40]

And I want to tell you the story of one of those, because it happened many years ago on an Indian reservation. And it was so important. I had to teach them how to read. And I had a really good way to do it. And I wrote what they would say on a big paper, and I'd have them point the words and all this. And the parents came, and they were showing how well they were reading, because they hadn't been taught to read before. And right in the middle, we were practicing for it. A little cricket walked by, and they all wanted to look at the cricket. And I said, no, no, pay attention, pay attention. And I squashed the cricket without thinking. And the little eight-year-old agreed and looked at me. And she said, you should not have stepped on the cricket. And I said, you're right. And I realized how important what I was teaching was and how important what she was teaching me.

[81:42]

And it was very sad. But it was like an awesome lesson from a little girl who was eight years old. And so I think that that's, I don't know if that's what you're talking about, but I think you've got something to do with kids. Yes. You translated the name of one of the ekes as the Great Sublime Peak. The other one you called Juan Peak. Does that translate? I don't know what Juan... I don't know what Juan Peak is, but I can look it up for you if you want to. I have to get the original.

[83:03]

The original text. I don't see any footnote here or anything. Yes? I wanted to talk about the importance of the compassion of others in allowing me to feel pain and the irritants, just as all beings offer irritation. I think that the support and the compassion is very important in allowing me to stay where I need to be to look at that. There have been some very painful things happening for me. that have been very hard to look at and so much easier just to turn away and try to deny them and escape somehow. Fortunately, I have a partner, a husband, who encourages me to stay in those feelings and let them flow through me. And it's still very difficult. And when I come here and feel the compassion of the Sangha, and when I talked to you like a few minutes ago, and feel your compassion and understanding, the feelings are so much stronger and it's so much easier to stay there.

[84:17]

And I was thinking about sitting alone on a mountain and how I am, in fact, the only one who can sit there and feel those things and stay with that pain and understand what's going on. I'm the only one who can turn that irritation over and turn it into a pearl. But in some ways, the mountain that I sit on is the Sangha, the compassion about this, and the support of others who help me stay on the path. You know, no one else can feel your irritant. turn it into a pearl. But no one else can do that for you. But also you can't do that alone. You can't do it yourself and no one else can do it for you. And yet it is accomplished. And all sentient beings are giving you things to work on and also rooting for you to do your work.

[85:19]

Even though the way that they work on it sometimes is to say, don't feel pain. You're a big girl now and stop crying. That's the way they tell you. And it's hard on little girls and little boys because we take it literally, whereas actually they're just testing us, testing our resolve. But we're too young to handle it. But as you grow up now, you will have to realize that regardless of what people are literally saying, really what they're saying is, turn around and take care of yourself. And as I say, I believe that if, when you, because all beings both give you your problem so you can be realized and support you in dealing with it, When you deal with it, they also see the pearl, and it encourages them to do the same.

[86:27]

Even if they don't seem to be ready, they still, on some level, have seen the example, and they may use it later when it is their time. Cheers. I have a question about... Art, when you talked about it, you can express and give me your... I feel stuck by my own fear of fear that I have my own ego or arrogance or part of me that tries to appropriate myself or when I, like the person who said I'm great if they were in some, being 100% in some place.

[87:37]

Right. I feel like that, that voice that comes and is trying to appropriate the good stuff Uh-huh. And it takes me out of myself. And then the fear of that voice holds me back from then being 100% and expressing who I am. Uh-huh. So I feel stuck. Like, oh, I figured it out this far. I figured it out even with my mother's, you know, voice. Right. You know, like, go figure it all out, and I'm still stuck. Uh-huh. So this is how the pearl gets turned. You work on it from one side, and then you say, whoa, I polished, I turned this irritant into, you know, something, some more awareness of who I am. And now, actually, by accepting this irritation, I now can, I can now see something I couldn't see before.

[88:43]

I'm really a good meditator. Whoops! I'm arrogant. So then, you see, you had an irritant and you worked with it, you felt it, you felt the pain, and by feeling it, you kind of like, it turned, it turned into something, something wonderful, something gave you a new perspective, you know, that you didn't have before. that you realize you can be comfortable right in the middle of having the irritant right there. Somehow your awareness, in a sense, turned the irritant into a shiny, bright surface. And then you thought, oh, I'm great. And then you thought, oh, that's not me. I mean, oops, that's arrogant. I heard that's arrogant to say those kinds of things. So then another irritation in your face. But really what you could say that you just turned the pearl, the baby pearl, the partial pearl, you turned it and got exposed to an unfinished area. Name that you haven't yet faced your arrogance.

[89:49]

Or how do you work with arrogance? And then when you do that, then you think, ooh, this is not really good. And as soon as you say, oops, I did it again, but not just, oops, I did it again, like, ooh, that doesn't sound good, but when it actually hurts, when it gets to you, not just theoretically, like I shouldn't be thinking this way, but when it actually kind of bites, then you can work on it. And you just keep turning it this way and commenting on the process of success and failure around dealing with all these problems. And it keeps getting turned. And the problem about self-expression is that we have trouble trusting our self-expression because if you want to express your selfishness, well, that's not such a good idea necessarily. But in fact, whatever level of selfishness you have, you are expressing it right now. But expressing selfishness, I don't think we should do with a lot of confidence. And if you're aware that you're coming from selfishness, then you'll be somewhat tentative about your expression, which is fine, because you're doing basically something based on delusion.

[90:57]

So don't be all that confident about it. And if you're aware of your delusion, you realize, well, this is deluded. If I get busted for this, it makes sense. But I'm still going to do it. and then you realize you get your punishment right away. Self-expression that really is solid and without anxiety is self-expression that comes from sitting with your pain and being settled with it and not running away from it. And then by sitting with it and not running away from it you understand that self-expression it doesn't really make sense. And the more you realize that, the more the self and other become unified. When self and other become unified, you'll no longer be involved in doing good or bad. You personally will not be involved in either one of those. And yet goodness will prevail.

[92:01]

Goodness does prevail under those circumstances where all there is, is all living beings completely interconnected. And the way they're interconnected is the pattern of compassion. But if I'm in pain in my relationship to someone and I try to fix that pain for myself, if that's where my action's coming from, I don't recommend that. That's not self-expression. That's, again, running away from yourself, trying to get away from yourself. Get away from the pain, you get away from yourself. That's not self-expression, that's self-denial. Born of denial of the irritation. Whereas if you come back to what's bothering you, you discover yourself. As you discover yourself, you discover what's not yourself, makes yourself, and when that becomes totally harmonized, then the next thing you do will be right.

[93:03]

But not because you did it, but because it's born out of reality. The reality of the way a human being really is. and the way we human beings are, is that they're never anything other than being born of other. The Chinese character for human beings looks like this. This, you know, actually looks like this, from your point of view. It's a character for a person. Take away this, it falls down. The kind of creatures we are, we're born of what's not us. Now that's true of other creatures too, but we're aware of it. And then what we think the self is, is this. We forget that it's born of this. When you realize that this is born of this, you realize the unity of two. Then this thing can walk. And that's self-expression. That's expressing your true self.

[94:02]

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