Facing the Wall for Nine Years 

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someone came to talk to me recently
i heard before he came to talk to me that he was about to
leave this country and go over the ocean to another country
i think i asked him if there's anything he wanted to tell me and i think he said
something like
i don't believe that this is it
where he might have said sometimes i don't believe that this is it or i have trouble believing that this is it
and i said something like
i don't go there
why critics said let's put that aside for a little while and let me say
that i believe in
giving wholehearted attention to this
so i'm not going to say i don't believe this is it i don't not going to go that far i'm just gonna say that what i am talk about what i do believe in rather than when i don't believe it is quite a few things i might not believe in what do i believe in i believe in giving attention to this
not if i give attention to this
i might find out that this is it
point that core that it is this i might find that out
my fact i i believed that if i give whole heart attention to this i will find out
the truth of this
i don't believe in this i'm but i do wish to realize the truth of this
what this is is to some extent my idea of this
or my opinion of this or the appearance of this i have to deal with the appearance of this for this is an appearance when i meet you
this meeting this meeting his partly how this meeting appears to me
this meeting is partly my opinion of this meeting and is partly your opinion of this meeting like you might think this is really an above average meeting
are you might think
this is not a good meeting
this is a really on wholesome meeting you might think that
without getting into whether you trust for tooth your opinion of this meeting with are getting into that
i just saved a while let you know i believe in giving wholehearted attention
to the appearance to your opinion of this meeting
notice that grip
now many people have opinions about the meeting between me and this
priest trainee
i believe in giving attention to it
how my face is not one hundred percent perfect so i occasionally forget to pay attention to this
but when i do pay attention it's like never been regretted by me
i never said i wish i hadn't paid to paid attention to that i never felt that way
and my fact i think this is good and when i suggest to you
but i believe would be good for you to pay wholehearted attention to this i think that sounds good i think i'll try myself
right now
i might even proposed to you that there's a theory in the buddha dharma
that if you give wholehearted attention to this you will find out that this is not this
when you find out that this is not this she realized that this is it when you realize that this is not this you realize the dharma
but if you don't give wholehearted attention of this you're going to keep thinking that this is this
you keep thinking keep believing that your writer you're wrong for in between
that's what i said to this person who was about to leave the country and then i said to him are you going on pilgrimage
and he said well actually i don't know how i'm going i'm going to celebrate the her wedding have some friends of mine
i said i hope you make it a pilgrimage
and when i mean by pilgrimages i hope
i pray that
every this
from here to england and every this when you get to england that you give
wholehearted attention to it
then going to another country is a pilgrimage is not a pilgrimage to the contrary it's a pilgrimage to being present
why you're moving
horse or why you're still
so like
one of our ancestors on pilgrimage said no matter where i go i meet him
wherever i go i study what's going on
no matter where i go or no matter who comes to me
no matter what place i go to or workplace comes to me i study it
the term that the is used by one of our ancestors for pilgrimages hens is a japanese term or chinese term hands-on
it's sometimes price as pilgrimage but it also means i mean literally means hand means everywhere or everything and our son
means practice or meet
so the word for pilgrimage means everywhere
practice everywhere meet meet everywhere
as you move through the universe if you're on pilgrimage everywhere you meet
yourself everywhere you meet him everywhere you meet her everywhere you meet
i know translation of this term for pilgrimages
thorough exploration
so wherever you are you continue the exploration of the truth has no place
you know you don't just study the just a bus stop
he also studied the truth
on the bus
you say the truth at the cafe
you're thorough you're you're thoroughly exploring life
then your life becomes a pilgrimage even if you're not moving
you're thoroughly exploring
as you know sometimes when you're traveling you have to sit still
and weight and already travel
sometimes people complain they want to travel but actually they're being required to not move
and to sit and wait for the plane or the train or the bus or the car
part of the travel is not to move but do they enjoy it
sometimes they don't sometimes they forget that they're on pilgrimage
they think that they're actually like just trying to get someplace other than where they are
so i prayed that he would
attention to where he is

i'd like to relate this to some other
ways of saying the same thing
one of them mayor said i was traveling from the sierra nevada
the mountain range where has snowed
down towards the traveling west towards san francisco
on the way up to the mountains
my spouse said that she wanted to go car shopping had a toyota place
i said okay some way back she reminded me so when we came to the toyota place we went in
and looked at their hybrid
and that we got into the process of purchasing the car
and they offered
to finance it
have zero percent interest
the buddhist rate of interest

but also i think it's the christian rate of interest
the ne up they checked my credit
and they came back finish and new guy said maybe we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here
we checked your credit but
one way to put it is you have zero credit
you don't have good credit here in a bad credit you have zero credit
or nowhere way to put it is
in the realm of credit you do not exist
and the guy said he said you're a ghost where are you where have you been

i almost got proud

this person who said it's like you're a ghost man ah he he also found out that i was ordained a priest about forty years ago and it's i thought well maybe that's appropriate for a prisoner tend to have zero credit
yeah maybe that makes sense
in order to
i think in order to i think in order to verify in order to realize
ah thorough
exploration i think we need some form
when thorough explanation is realized
we have what's called a bodhisattva
we have a person who that we have the kind of people who attracted me
to the zen bodhisattva training program
because they they had explored thoroughly they were not attached to any forms
they weren't attached to forms of zen practice they weren't attached to the forms of buddhist practice they weren't attached to the forms of boys soccer practice they weren't attached to buddhism they weren't attached to taoism they weren't attached to christianity they weren't attached to catholicism and when i saw them behaving in there
unattached way i thought
how wanna be like that
i'm wanna be the way a person is when they don't attach
to themself
and other
but then i found out these people
when through a training program
where they're often forms and then when they offer the forms
they were they were trained to not be tight about the forms
the loose about the forms
they were encouraged to study the forms to explore thirty to thoroughly explore the forms but it's it it is
kind of difficult to thoroughly explore form if you don't even have anything to do with it if you don't look at it if you don't have it if you don't kiss it if you don't pad it if you don't pick it up or set it down if you don't enter it or leave it if you don't relate to it in a formal way
yea it's hard to prove that you're not attached to it like a lot of people say i'm not attached to san practice
i never even heard of it
i never went near as zen center saw not attached to it for myself
but then practice is sitting there waiting for you to come and verify that if you fully engaged
our should say that if you see engaged in if you engaged in zen forms that you could do so in a thorough way which is the same as say you could do so without being tied about the forms
my tightrope walking as a form you can use and some people as possible that they get up on the tight rope
the first time they got up and i could step on it
with no attachment to the tightrope just put the foot on without attaching a tight rope
and maybe walk for a little while on it without attaching to it it's possible
but kind of unlikely that they a walk very far without attaching to it
but let's say they walked just a few steps without attaching to it and then they fell off
and they fell off you know in an unattached way they stepped on an attached way and and they stepped in the air and untouched when nfl not too far but far enough so the next time they got up on it they started to attach to it because they didn't like falling that much
how can you balance without being attached to balancing
you actually can attach to be balanced without attaching to being balanced it is possible to learn but it takes quite a bit of training
but you can do it once you know for per second or twice you can do it a few time with the attachment but eventually you start getting attached to it
but then if you train more and more finally you find a way to walk the tightrope
and not fall off for fall either way without being attached to falling off or not falling off
but you require good have quite a bit of training and all the forms of zan like sitting a certain period of time with a group of people
there's a forms bowing offering incense study scriptures cooking breakfast bar we the people shaking hands talking all these forms
all these forms are setting a context for you to not attach
do anything starting with the forms
all these forms are set up
to help us give up trying to control our life most people are trying to control
their life which means their life and the relationship with other beings most people are trying to control what attracted me to this tradition is some people showing what it looks like to not be could try to control not not some people who are not in control i've seen lot of people are now
and control i wasn't attracted this tradition by seeing somebody drive off the road and kill herself that were tracking me as somebody
not trying to control the car
and a wonderful way of life that that is
now trying to control her thoughts now turn to control her speech not going to control her body giving it up
after many years
training and caring for her body her speech and her thought
this is where having zero credit comes in handy
i don't know if i got i think i size i think i eventually might get some credit is possible because i co-signed with somebody who has excellent unbelievably good
credit who i happened to be married to
she buys a lot of stuff and pays and pays it off in time said she has his
this celestial credit
so i so because i co-sign with her their credit might come over onto me and then i would maybe then i had difficulty with tavi some credit but i think it'll if i i think eventually it'll go back to zero if i just keep practicing long enough
i won't be defiled by all the credit
but he with the car is now over green gulch
and day some payment has to be made on it
had no interest
what if i make the payments late i think then i'll be paying something probably but by pay on time
although i have your credit i i i make great payments
i pay a lot
we'll see what happens on you know if i ever have anybody checked my credit again in a few years to see if anything happened to it
no thank you
i use yours if you like
i do i do i have credit cards but they're not mine
so i don't get any credit but i i used them i'd be happy to use any of your credit cards if you want and you'll get and then you can pay the stuff off on time you'll get good credit

an aversion
i wouldn't say i haven't i don't really feel an aversion to unwholesome things
but i kind of thing credit cards are nice oh sure that they're wholesome they seem to be but it caught like gum
some people can use them properly but i seem to lot people i it's not the credit cards is a product that's the problem but it's like cars aren't exactly the problem is set when people get into the cars and drive them seems to be a problem
so an alcohol itself isn't a problem but when people drink it it's can can be a problem so i think credit cards are being used by people who who
they don't know how to use him in such a way that
it's good for their lack health so i but i don't exactly have aversion to their on skillfulness i have more i feel i i i feel compassion from the people who are
suffering because of the way they use a credit cards
i don't wish to have aversion to them or their own skillfulness with them

i don't that they have an aversion to various kinds of addictions that i'm not participating in
i'm more kind of and you know in all of them
i see them as you a very powerful
possibilities to disrupt people's happiness
but i don't really have an aversion to them i think that makes me more at risk in relationship to them than being
pay what ah
given him my full attention site i want i give credit cards my full attention i get lots of credit cards in the mail
have i had zero credit they want me to have better credit so they send me all these credit card operators i just got one yesterday that from notice it down
travelers travelers was gone
an american express you get one for america's brescia going to give me all these miles
thousands of miles of bike
if i get a credit card but i know i looked at him as you have to buy something to get the thousands of miles you don't just accept a credit card on your first purchase you get this miles and then at the first ten thousand and get this miles ten thousand dollars of a price charged so
i would have to like start buying stuff with the credit card in order to
reap the benefits offered cited i did study at a little bit
can i thought
i think i'd
a night i studied enough and now move onto the next thing to study
but it
yeah yeah i understand i pay other people's credit cards
i know about how you do you paid back quickly and then there's no charge plus your credit gets better what i do that but i don't wish to do more of that and have more cards and things like that i don't think that's necessary necessary unless you get the
as necessary

but i couldn't got the car
without without the credit i could just paid in cash
i know but but i know will we live we live in a world where i could pay for it in cash at the where we live in
i couldn't done it that way and i said how can i pay cash they said yeah and they said but we have this other credit we recommend you do the credit things and okay
but i could have paid in cash and time is money
yeah i couldn't fit in time
i did i i live in way you live in a world where rob anderson can pay for cash for for certain cars certain cars i can't pay in cash but
i could i could have bought it outright and then i wouldn't do any checks so and i might actually take remind just write a check and pay it all off because i don't want to be paying every month and i can do that that's okay because zero credit i'm a zero interest i can pay it all off next week
just because i don't know if i should be spending my time writing twelve
twelve times three checks it takes time to right thing in and six hundred and sixty one dollars i don't know if i should write that thirty six time down with as go use of my time
yeah we can get okay i get it has been request to talk about something else yeah
so i i one of things i've noticed in this practice of these forms
which offer an opportunity to
give up trying to control our life is that sometimes we feel like the forms
are controlling us or that people are giving us the forms are giving his deformed to try to control us
and i want to put on a pivot here and that is that when we give up trying to control our life
we readily
we readily become fearless
or put it the other way
most people's attempt to control their life comes from fear and then when i act to control they perpetuate the fear
by learning to give up trying to control
we open the doors to fearlessness and part of the way open it is that as we begin to give up trying to control we become more in touch with our fear
when we start to give up trying to control it it helps us get in touch with our fear
and by getting in touch with our fear
we have a chance to
give full attention to it and if we give full attention to it will realize
among other things among other things we will realize that fear is not fear
sell fearlessness doesn't mean there's no fear it just means we understand that fear is not fear and i am not me and you are not you and you are me and i'm you never where i go i made it
so now i'm in the verge of going down to toss a hard for practice period of some other people in this room are going to go also but some of you are not going to be going to toss are probably
so i wanted to speak to those going to toss a harm but they're going to hear this again when they get there and to those of you aren't going is that i encourage you to
create a form
create forms in your life to support you to give up trying to control your life
so here today we have a form of sitting and walking together
and i hope that this form for the rest of the day you use this form when you're sitting
and when you're walking use this form
as a context for giving up trying to control your life
other words it give up trying to control your life today here is we're all here to support you to give up trying to control your life today here
i'm i'm here to support you to give up trying to control your life today i'm here to support myself
to give up trying to control my life here today and when i even when i think about it and when i embraced the possibility of giving up trying to control i do feel more intimate with fear and fearlessness
strength because i lacked the strength therefore i fear
yeah so you may feel i like strength
and i feel afraid
and then you might think well
you might think if i get them more more strength than maybe i wouldn't fear in other words you tried to control your strength level
are some people who are like family kind of sleepy
and they're afraid you know and sums monasteries are afraid somebody's going to hit him because there's kind of sleepy or that for that someone might ask him a question and they might not be able to respond very well because they're gonna sleep in they can barely understand with the person saying or put might say what's the matter with you look sleepy you should
me sleepy
so i think well maybe i should drink some tea i got some tea right here on drink some tea
and i won't be so sleepy but if i'm drinking the tea on a fear of sleepiness
i'm trying to control my sleep level
where should i give up trying to control my sleep level how can i drink tea without trying to control my state of mind for that tricky to get strength so i gave this talk
and here's a tea tray throw it away
so whether i drink the tea or not whether the i drink tea with caffeine or not i'm saying thoroughly explore what i'm doing
am i doing this to try to control my state of mind
check that out now hubbard
trying to give up to
trying to control my state of mind
if i don't drink this tea out to i feel fear of of of my ability to get to talk by didn't drink the tea
yeah i feel afraid how i won't be able to get to talk about don't drink this tea or it won't be a very good talking
and then that will please the sanga if i don't give a good talk he came in area is kind of sleepy and it was kind of a stupid talk he just didn't say anything interesting was really boring and not gonna go hang out with him anymore
he's no five used to be fun because he used to drink caffeine and say funny stuff
but no more he's he's lost me i'm gonna go some place for it's more interesting so if i'm afraid of that and i can feel that
then do i try to control myself to be more entertaining
such my job to look at that
to explore
myself and see what i'm up to here

as a matter of fact i could
as matter of fact i will
so i can say elena would you please
be kind and intimate with yourself
for us to your life
i i just said that do
yeah but i really for but i really does not feel afraid of you not doing that and i wasn't saying that to get you under control
so that's an example can say what i was easy one not do hard work anyway that wasn't easy one i started with easy one so i ask all of you actually i asked him for years ago please those of you aren't gonna go to toss a
try to create some form
that will remind you and support you
to give up trying to control your life which is the same as
finest some a form that will support you to be kind to every experience you have
so again in a lotus sutra chapter fourteen were describes
how to practice with your body if you wish to be able to help the to transmit the dharma
the teachings there
the wonderful practices they're one of them is giving up trying to control
says whenever you meet a phenomenon a person a feeling a smell or touch a taste or color
hayward layer outwardly whatever phenomena you will meet give up trying to control it
be patient with it a nonviolent with it
so create a structure that will support your one structure you can do is read that chapter read the first two three paragraphs of that chapter every day and then at the agnew read it then perhaps you sit vow are talk to yourself and say you commit to practice saturday and you say yes i will
it to support that
and then you can notice do you try to control yourself into doing that practice and you probably would
the forms you used to support yourself to give up forms you tend to attach to those forms
that's part of the training so that people are going to toss a higher are going to be going into a place where the lot of forms are going to be offered to help them not attached to the forms
so i'm suggesting to you that are not be it does our create some forms and then see if you can be with them in a relaxed and playful way
but haven't the forms
to see if you can be that way with them
like one person has trouble following a long days of meditate of sitting meditation walking meditation without getting tight about them
one person told me that recently that
when she does is long which when she does a few periods of sitting she can do them without
didn't fight with them and then and then it's beneficial but if she does a lot of sitting she started to get more and more tight around them and then if she indonesia had kind of years her
as she spends a lot on tightly following the schedule
so i so want to experiment on your own was outside the community context of sitting and walking and stretching and other things until you find a way to relate to these forms of practice without getting tense which means probably you'll discover why didn't get cancer care than
stop because she in you can just stop and do something different to a different form and then maybe know so then you attached to that system so when you don't know if you're getting tense ours
a tight around the sitting and you're starting to get distressed because the tightness around the city
get up and walk and then we get tighter on the walking
like from my case i tend not to get some tighter than sitting but i get more tight standing i'm not so good at standing as i am sitting walking and okay but actually i'm probably standing with that without getting tight about it
we don't have to do it but i think we do need a form
to surface are are basically innate tendency to tighten around things to grasp things to attach to things
and these forms are opportunities
to discover this by your attachment to the forms
and then work with the forms of such a way as to learn through the forms
how to be relaxed and playful and creative
but it's it's difficult maybe to do that he and a situation whereas lot of the people involved so you can actually try that on your own in had have some extended period of practice
in your home where you feel comfortable sitting for a short time
walking for a short time sitting for a long time walking for a long time sitting for a short time walking for a long time and so on till we can try all different kinds of patterns of sitting walking stretching until you find a way to beat
formerly engaging with your body all day long
in a way that when you're over he said that was really wonderful i enjoyed that and i can and no harm was done
and then you find your you find your rhythm like when i first started sitting the
i couldn't sit for lotus for forty minutes
so i sat for lotus for less than forty minutes
when i actually first are sitting i could sit in for lotus
wasn't very good but i couldn't and i i worked at it and it got more and more and of the portrait of took the cross legs got more and more what i say am i would say healthier
authentic but still i couldn't sit very long way so used to do is sit
on my own not in the zendo
and i found the when i can sit twenty minutes
or twenty five minutes outside the zendo i could sit forty minutes in the zendo and aware that work but that's is one period
and then gradually i
i was able to do more and more by consistent practice by didn't push myself too hard like some people do
i didn't push myself to it was sometimes i push myself too hard but then the next day i didn't push myself too hard
but i didn't push myself so hard that i quit

a form to help you not be attached

so i can i suggest a form to become freire of trying to control life
so there's to form i would suggest is
walk around your house silently
for ten minutes
have suggest that form

it's a lotus sutra
it's a book called the lotus sutra yeah i could show to you later if you like we have several copies several different translations here in this building
yeah there's one there's one inside the buddha and put we put one inside the border
but that lives like mislead that went in there
it's kind of hard to get in there but i have some other ones

that's not really the goal the goal
to benefit all beings and to transmit the truth which will liberate all beings as the goal
but in order to be able to receive the truth and transmit the truth
one needs to give up trying to control
once control life once life and adjust your life in my life you need to give up trying to control your life and my life in order to receive and transmit the buddha's teaching
and the point of transmitting the boys teaching is for the welfare and happiness of all beings that's the goal is to benefit of all beings the freedom of ah beings the happiness of all beings that's the goal this is a requirement
and then put in some forms that will support yeah
what were my customer
no intention for example now if you intend to live for example let's say you you might intend to receive it and the buddha's teaching and transmit the buddha's teaching in order to benefit beings at an intention
and you might also
promote that intention to avow by by making that intention of wow which you did when you receive boys and precept you had the intention to practice them before you received and promised then you did a formal ceremony where you receive the precepts and you promised to practice them from now on and even after real
allies in the buddha body you promised a practices precepts that at a vow is a high is the highest level of intention it's the highest level to take an intention to
so you had the intention to practice these teachings of compassion he promised a practice on that's intention and part of a one of the precepts with you vow to practice
is ah
to embrace and sustained forms that's one of the vows you made
he vowed to practice to work with forms and and point of the a practicing was formed is to learn how to practices form without attaching to them
this you vowed to practice form so you could learn how to practice the form without trying to control the forms he thought to learn how to for example sit in a traditional way without the tight about that traditional way of sitting
people formal settings which we try to practice in traditional ways and we try to do that to see if we can do without being tight and in fact people try to do them and they do get tight and then they trained more and more and they get feedback on their tightness until finally they can sit without being tied about this
an intention his intentions going

yeah so they will a clean your closet you could you could have one
ah another thing as i can mention today's is
in the toilet earlier today i noticed as magazine
and it's a martha stewart magazine and it's soon a cover
a word order an inner calm
gay or you could say ha
what is you
i think it's the new the newest one
i think that i think the magazine is called something
whole living
no it's just this for this this one's called whole different called whole living and it said it says the top martha stewart magazine
when she has another magazine but this one's called whole living
her whole life for sunlight that
and it's got a picture of a flower in a vase
and flour in a vase is a form an hour to form which we use to promote in his temple we we offer flowers which are outward forms and we we we do them with some attention with some intentionality we offer these flowers in order to promote
in her calm but also kotor com
we use outer com outperformed to make intercom so i'm doing this because you see tracy said closets
so in zen practice we have outer forms to promote her com other words outer formed to promote inner not been tight with the forms if you're tight you're not come if you take your not tranquil so we use forms like the stick
like the flowers like incense offer like a posture in city we use these forms
and the point of using them as kenyan do them home
and wholeheartedly means do them without being tied about them
what i'm saying when you when you when you clean the closet
when you clean the closet is that an outer form an outer order that you're doing to become are you trying to get your closet under control
so now this afternoon we're going to have worked they'd probably where we're going to put some debris in a dumpster we're going to kind of clean the temple for not trying to i'm not trying to clean this temple to get this temple under control i should say i vow not to take care of this place to get this place under
control because that's antithetical to know abode know about is clean the place so that we cannot dwell here
clean this place so we can become here don't clean this place to get this place under control because if we get this place under control
then we're going to be sitting here afraid
this is going to get outta control
but we don't do that here that's why you people like to come here because you don't come here to get to space under control you come to play here you come here to order the place and and take care of the forms and closets here like there's a big closet project right there have been doing here
now some of the people may try to milk go those clauses to get the people stuff under control i don't know
but i'm trying to get your stuff under control i'm just keep letting their be a form called a closet where you can purchase stuff so you can give up trying to control when you're here like you say when you're here you can give up trying to control when you go home and you clean your closet don't clean your closet to get your closet under control
clean your closet to become cleaner cause it so you can become
and if you notice your cleaning cause it to get the closet under control stop
and go do something else that you can do
to promote your com like for example take a walk
and don't go anywhere on the walk this walk in a circle around your living room
our go sit on the toilet and read martha stewart
she what she say she says outward order for intercom they put the toilet paper in the right place you know but not to get it under control but so you can become
yes the not about and i cleaned the bathroom know i can sit
so cleaning your house is a traditional zen practice but the point of it is not the get the house clean the point of it is so now you can sit
and give up trying to control the same as the title same as a toy reporting so
yeah so all all that you had to find say you have to commit now to some forms
i've still won't come back into one day sitting here but since i'm gonna be in this training situation between the one day series yeah i would like you to be in a training situation between one day so they think about the form you're going to be practicing which was support you to do something that form that you can be doing
to do that form not to get control through that former to get that form under control
but to do that form to see if you can do it without tightening the clean your closet without tightening around getting clean so if somebody comes in and dumps a bunch of garbage in your closet you can welcome them and you might welcome them by say could you dump to start someplace else name as and know i got dumped at here so wow this is amazing i
can't believe how rabb got these bodhisattvas to come and dumb garbage in my closet to test me
it's amazing and i just really i suddenly people knocking door say we have a delivery of garbage for your closet read us
to see if you could if you to test to see if you're if you're trying to can clean your closet in order to get your claws a clean or if you're cleaning your closet in order to
test your fearlessness
so that's why you got me i bring this garbage to however if you if you really don't want to put it there we won't in weren't for not we're not attached to getting it in the closet either
we had our simon was to deliver the garbage year simon is to welcome it but you can welcome in and many many ways the point is
are you practicing this precept which involved to practice which is forms and ceremonies which ultimately means that everything you do all day long is a ceremony
when you clean your closet it's a ceremony is not done in order to get the closet clean when we offer incentives not done in order to offer the incense is to test
non attachment
to give this incense away
are you trying to get the incense into the bowl and make sure it stands up straight
i'm never one in the first times i saw suzuki roshi are for instance i i i i was struck because when you put the incense and i felt like he put it in and i felt like he was kind of surprised at what happened
you know because i can put it in and it kind of like it's sort of stood there and it was kind like he put it is like a wonder what's gonna happen new oh wow i stood up or but sometimes actually it tilted overload but that was surprised to
so you don't put it into twin now i got to incidence offered now what's next the next thing to do this like off i'm i give the incense i do the bow i do about based on like i do the about it the by do is about to see what the bow is to explore thoroughly this bow
rather than ticket this bucket under control their bow
qatar only control now across my hands and control and a walk in control some zen monks slip into that
and the song and the teacher says he seemed to be kind of tight and mean there's a really beautiful gosh oh it is lovely but
i kind of feel like you would not be on you know you wouldn't be willing to do an ugly gosh offset right well no i can't do an obligation or that would be i would be terrified i ugly guys show i gotta do is perfect one so what could i please would you please let me change your gosh show a little bit make make it a little bit less beautiful grey
put your hands put your hands are tied together can push your thumb down here pull it back no no
hey by see later
why i might say i thought you were asked me to give you feedback on your forms yeah but not not this way you can give me feedback or not just one oh i see
and i told you the story went down by the guy who came to serve me at tassajara at in the meals he stood in front of me and i'd have looking down at of and i looked down on my balls and i'm looking i can see his feet
and i noticed that almost every time he came one foot was straight ahead on the other was turned off to the right
and i can photos kind of funny that one was straight and was after this side because he he walked in normal way didn't seem to be having can walk in problems but when he stood in front of me one foot was trading when one was turned out that toes to the right
so i asked him one time not in the zendo also designed to i said do you hear this day before i said can your question about your form of your practice in serving he said yeah i say well
when you serve almost always went for australia was turned out to the right here your right foot turned out and you're left with spread said you do that intentionally because i couldn't i thought it would be kind of by accident isn't consume it could happen by accident
and it's if you didn't intentionally wondered why was in motivation
and he said i said i was wondering do you do you didn't intentionally said something like what do you sort of make to you are so what
and i said oh okay well i'm going to go swimming
and and then the next time he came to serve both the or straight
and internet on both feet were straight and we thought
i wonder what happened
and then like ten or fifteen years later as he he after he left and center and moved back to his sort of home-state in united states ah one of his close friends told me that he he saw him
you know and they were talking in his and he was thinking of his time as zen center and he said the most important moment in his practice heads on center was when i asked him that question
that was the most important thing that happened to him now
so these use these forms and you know like having one fraternal of with we we we get tight around that was somebody asked us about it it can have a big impact
on we get very frightened to some is talking about how are how we put our feet
how we put her hands how we were close
whether we're leaning to the writer linda left
these are ways
for us to be intimate with ourselves and intimate with each other
and as we get as we get more and more intimate we we we go to various layers of fear
because again the forms are supporting us to be intimate with the forms the forms which are offered to realize intimacy
we just usually start by being to relax with them are too tight with them
and then and then we start
as we as were to relax too tight
and we and we are actually me and we are to relax too tight because we're afraid of what would happen if they weren't to to if it weren't too too tight or too loose were afraid of what would happen
so being too tight or too loose with the forms are ways the i'm trying to control them when you're not trying to control of you're not too tight or too loose use doom
but almost nobody hits the mark every time most people are legal
little too tired to lose another whereas most people are trying to control their life through what they're doing
as we get more and more dp get deeper and deeper and more more subtle levels of trying to control his you get with the grocer kinds of control you get more and more subtle kinds of control it's virtually endless this thoroughness about the subtleties of the of the controlling

is there a signal now would be a good time to talk stop

yeah so there might be a signal which you don't notice
so then when you don't notice it and then you get in trouble a southern you said i think there might have been a signal that i didn't notice
because i would i went to long on that one so next time i'm going to watch more carefully for that for that signal
i often think in myself of like painting like a painting a room
you know you're into painting a room and actually it's time to stop but you want to finish it when you feel this the sense of and i want to finish this rather than i'm just painting i want to get it done that's maybe a signal the little alarm who you're not just painting your now trying to get the room under control in other words get the room
painted for the i'm painting i may never finished this room
but i'm painting i can stop any time i can also continue but at some point you feel like i think i want to finish at that maybe of what you feel right after they get this message was time to take a break
when i'm doing calligraphy oftentimes ah it's going along you know it takes awhile to warm up in any get into place where it's going pretty well and then sometimes it goes too long
and i start to make mistakes so
part of what i will help you do it is is is if i kind of like feel like i'm crying
when i'm writing
i sort of giving i'm sorry surrendering into it rather than getting it done i'm surrendering to the process rather than getting a process under control and i'm kind of crying into the process
it's pretty easy to pick up on the signal time to stop
but if i'm the bulldozing the process then i keep going maybe beyond when i should stop and and
yeah i start making mistakes

i've noticed
that is what
ultimate of doing something
the sometimes when that joy

okay because like
whatever i'm doing it because like it
the joy of doing it in the up soon
what's on the kissing when it gets to be a charged like you're you're trying to get the that the activity under control you're trying to control it to get it done
and then it loses his life
so when we try to so
trying to control our life is is kind of violent so nonviolence is another message for how to practice with what's happening
not being overbearing not being oppressive be nonviolent being gentle gentle a some people feel filter gentle but they're still gently trying to get it under their gentle but there's still time to get it under control and a gentle way i'm generally trying to ah but gently
and also giving up trying to control it

day to day life yes
i'm doing

can i say something
when you're working on ordering something and you notice that you have a preference for being ordered
the preference for being ordered hinders the activity common you
hinders the activity come here so if we if we set the altar
passion because we want it
but we don't prefer for it to be that way that it's more calming and if we do it
with a preference that it was that wind up
under control
now you have the very difficult thing of practicing
it's hard

yeah i understand it it's it's hard to find the shacks i'm i'm encouraging him to look for the checks like for here's a check i have new check i have it's a new car i have a new car
that's my at the check has been given to me
i'm talking about credit talking about the car know the car is in order
the car is an order
now how can i continue to use this car with in order it's like in perfect order and so i i i actually prefer that how's your new cars that i'm kind of nervous driving because it's so in order
i can feel my fear of getting out of order
it's not only is it an order but it's it's a new type of order like it it's on you can even hear it so can drive away without you even noted you so it's it's like it's it in order and also i feel it's impermanence because it's so in order i feel the impermanence
so i actually can feel my fear more in that car like ever getting one of the gringos trucks i feel no fear you know if i run into a tree in our timo or forgive me
me and if i tell him you say i thank you for telling me says it's okay was already are disoriented dented have no problem i can see what you're talking about
but the news new car
this pristine thing actually i can feel my fear of it losing its harder so driving that car i'm actually really have a great form for testing whether i can drive it
without trying to control it and i'm really challenge to drive this more challenge to drive this car
and find a way of driving it with attention but not trying to control them the last car where i got kind of used to how to drive it
we are noticing that i was trying to control it but now i can really notice i'm trying to control this car so that's if you can find new situations like that and get them in order they often will help you find this control in thing and the fear of losing control try to fuck

yeah that's that's that that i say when we
when there's two ways to try to control your life one is don't pay attention the other as pay real real close attention they now i'll get it i play close enough attention on kidding me if i pay close enough petitions car i won't have an accident also so then i that's one thing i do and i'm afraid
one way to try to control my life is to pay constitute the other way to control my life is to not pay attention these are ways to control
so say you noticed one way is to not pay so much
to have an altar in your house and to really clean it
offer you an opportunity to put something on it
and notice you're trying to control
so we do need to have some order to see if we're like when we have the order are we being too lax not paying attention as a way to control
and not be afraid how we do with the other way so you notice a you have one kind of tendency
because you've been you've learned the other side the you know wonder that side you do both at different times yeah we i think most of us do some people on tend to specialize in one
most of the time
most people do both
but the site if you look as and students can say this person is like thirty percent
too much too tight around the form and seventy percent to lose actually thirty percent too tight sixty nine percent to lose and one percent they're actually right there and they're totally on the mark and it's really amazing
when that happens and that's what encourages them is to find that place a fearlessness in this life
and some other people or seventy percent
ah too tight and whatever did a different tune patterns
but we we get to see each other and help each other with this
and let's not the same every day of you know
her changes all time
yes said

yes your iron yes

to do it

when the alarm

one thing

yeah certain an example of order to promote in order while you could turn out into control to but it's that's a week
and then we have forms for us to
in through using we use the forms to help us give up trying to control and then we start to try to use the forms to control
but the net but for noticing that you're using something to try to control is necessary in order to stop and to to learn to give up control we have to find a places where we're trying to control
can order to give up trying to control
so just set something up
for the main reason of setting up his to is to surface
the tendency to control
well your your cases and your cases and mixture could use his do you still sound a little bit like you're trying to get your income tax stuff done

yeah you're not you're not quite getting it now watch
you set it up
and you set it up and he say it works well but if you set it up because it was well as still a little bit trying to control yourself into doing something that works well that's a little bit off their ceiling to set it up
just to find out what you know what you think when you set it up
and in fact it is a form and sometimes you do the form a new safe
okay i want to do more use it but that's not the form
now in that case you notice the tendency to want to do more to get control but you also notice perhaps a tendency to hold
right however if you do not follow the form you might not learn anything
are you know he vaguely know you're miserable but you don't know what it's about and think maybe it's because i'm do with the higher s work that's what i'm miserable but so let's set up a forms i can find out is that what a miserable body it's not about the ira's it's about
trying to control our life around that issue that's what's making his nervous
it's about it's about not thoroughly exploring this thing if we thoroughly explore this higher as thing will come to a place of honesty and authenticity and intimacy
but we need some form in order to chip in that regard
and as time driving a car we need some form the same cleaning closet and is some form in order to find out
the if you if you use the form you find out til you trying to control the process and also if you're not trying to control the process than you say oh this is really working well because i'm not trying to work control the process this is really nice i like this so then you say well i better hope my better use this form
that then you find that you're attached to the form which cause you to be free from the form
so the buddha use forms to become free of forms but then he kept using the forms and then people said and the buddhists are actually people might think that that that i'm attached to the forms that i used to become free because i'm still doing the forms but i'm not attached to the forms
so you have this rule of doing one hour as a form which you do so that you can be free while you're doing the work and free app somewhat after the work and free from your discussions about the work
or you could do the hours so that you can be aware that you're not free of it but becoming aware that you're not free while you're doing this work
is necessary nor to be free
and in the more that works the more you'll be likely to be attached to the forms of the one hour so the more than forms were present students the more they become at risk of attaching to the forms which set them free from attachment
so then i think the ambition to the forms in because i'm attaching to him
that's another attempt to control
ah charlie if you have if you have a second
would you look at that at the young
sign that says erica lean on it
the sign says erica
yeah would you look at that and and call tells how you suggested fix it thank you
letting go
it's not so much creating form it's more like find one
find a form embrace it without being tied about it that's were trying to learn to do
which was
i keep
lacking the ability to
the amount of of that moment of now that is what i'm lacking so that's
according to something
well you can say you can say lacking that's okay but you can also say
that we can become more thoroughly present
but the fact that i'm not thoroughly president now doesn't exactly mean i lacked the ability you know
he can put it more optimistically that i have i'm i haven't realized my full potential to be completely present in the moment moment after moment
is that because i'm still holding to the forms that i
yeah we we say like which like to chair we do we talk about receiving the true dharma and then
greenery renouncing worldly affairs what are worldly affairs for affairs are basically attachments
really affairs are being tight about our activity so when you see the true dharma you will renounce being tight about your activities because you understand your activities are not anything to be tight about
the bennett says although our past evil karma that could only you can also say however our past the evil karma has greatly accumulated being a cause and condition of obstacles in practicing the way what way the way have not been tight about our life the way of not the way of giving up trying to control
our precious life does those are worldly affairs but we have trouble giving them up because we had this past karma
of such a long time of trying to control so it's gonna be difficult to give up trying to control that's why we have to be practice confession and repentance oh i'm trying to control this new car
because of my past karma i tend to try to control things especially things that are very pure
like a pure complexion you know like baby baby has no marks on his face so mommy doesn't want to scratch in their baby's face the baby doesn't really maybe mind that much but the mother looking at this pristine cheek does not want a little scratch on it so the mother like very difficult for them and not to be attached to this perfect cheek
either on the face or on the rear
beautiful cheek beautiful body perfect
stupendous beautiful thing you know
when you see that it's very difficult not to attach
as a natural for us

it's difficult
the vehicles or break the field steadily at the comes of had been destroyed yeah that the pair comes i've been destroyed
so let me say the fear comes of have been destroyed so then we do is to try to control it and by try to control it with on as i can destroy it because destroying doesn't really happen were just afraid it's going to be destroyed so we don't really destroy our life because you can't destroy your life you can ruin it though
you can you can you can crusher you can you can distort it you can name it but you can't destroy it
you can harm your life if you fear that it's gonna be destroyed you up i fear that my life would be destroyed that fear will harm my life
it won't destroy my life my life cannot be destroyed nothing can be destroyed that's the buddha's teaching however things are changing all the time and if we interpret change as destruction when very well might get afraid and then we get a free we try to control the things they won't get destroyed will want to destroy it anyway which country
all the thing so i could harm then okay
control to if so to learn to get harmed then give up trying to control it
and this is hard give them trying to control my babies that won't be harmed
why he is
give up trying to control nor boats are all get harmed yes give him trying to control yourself so you won't be harmed yes
fearlessness comes with being
relaxed with fear
so if if you're afraid
of harm coming to beings and we relax with that fear
then we can be fearless and relaxed with the being and that's the best way to protect the bank but we have to admit
that we have the fear
in order to relaxed with the fear in order to stop trying to control with your fare rather than look at the fear and don't try to control the fear either if we don't notice affair and act out of the fear to control that we don't take care of the fear and we don't take it that care of the thing that we're trying to control the thing we're trying to take care of
it's not something i should try to troy something we should embrace his disdain and i've tried to control
but we're all when we had this long history of wanted to protect things and thinking and being afraid that we will be able to we don't have the strength or ability to protect them and then becoming afraid and then thinking well since i'm afraid and i care about this thing i should get this thing under control i have to control my child i have to control my
i'm afraid this is a difficult topic because in many buddhist text the talking about control your mind
control your body control your actions
the appetite control your appetite so i'm kind of feeling like
i'm kind of feel or control your teacher get him to stop and get him to start talking soon otherwise everybody's blood was gonna plummet
and once implements were going to have big problems so in order to protect bees i'm going to
you know start doing this thing now
may tenth
i'm not controlling you can be in place i'm not trying to control your
this way the
i try to save them
i'm about to pass out but i'm not trying to control my bloodline
a by was ah to enter them buddha's way is unsurpassable hi to attain it
and i'm not in carolyn wasn't trying to control me for you caravan