In this morning session, among other times, there was considerable expression of feelings of resistance. People said that they were feeling resistance. And I thought later that someone came and told me that they went to see a teacher and listened to a teacher, and they said they really enjoyed listening to the teacher, but that that style of teaching didn't have any form, didn't have forms, like, for example, sitting. and sitting a certain length of time with a group of people. I thought I'd say something about that.

[01:08]

And she said, again, she said, I like his teaching, but they don't have form. And I think it's possible for some wonderful spiritual teachings, and people say, God, this is great. And then they go about their life. But if you give teachings together with a form, then people can see if they can into practice with the form. So in the situation where I have these teachings about being gracious and about making everything you do, for example, if you're sitting, make it an offering to Buddhas, you hear about that and then you notice in the form, you notice that you're resisting the form. You say, I heard the teaching, but I'm resisting it.

[02:12]

And you can see you're resisting it because you've got this nice form to work on. Otherwise, you might walk out the door and say, that was good, I think I'll practice it. And not even notice that you perhaps put off practicing it for some period of time. Whereas if you have some formal sitting shortly after the instruction, you get to see, I heard the instruction, but I don't seem to want to practice it. Matter of fact, I don't seem to want to practice doing this. I want to do something else. Perhaps one might feel that way. In other words, I'm not being gracious towards what I'm doing. I'm not saying, hey, this is what I'm doing, and I really let myself be doing what I'm doing. I'm resisting, and I'm not making an offering to Buddha. I'm resisting making an offering to Buddha. So that's the nice thing about our practice of Zen is that we have... Some people think that the whole practice is the forms, but that's not true.

[03:18]

And some people think that... don't think that the whole practice is the teaching. But the teachings are to be brought to the form so you can understand that the forms are empty. And the teachings are to be brought to the form so you can find out that you're resisting applying the teachings to the forms. And also you're resisting everything else in your life too. That's why you're here. So you get the Dharma teaching and you bring them together with the formal practice and you notice there's some traction there, some resistance, some friction. And that's good, because now you're finding the place where the tire, the Dharma tire, hits the road. And where it hits the road, there's friction, there's traction, and it's difficult to actually let it roll over every inch of the path. So I kind of, when I hear people resisting, I'm happy to see that, because we're getting close to saying, well, now how does the teaching work with this resistance again?

[04:31]

How does this resistance go with the teaching? The resistance goes perfectly with the teaching, but we sometimes have to stroll through the resistance. or how the teaching goes with forms. And when we have trouble seeing how the teaching goes with the form, there's some resistance there between the teaching and the form coming into intimacy. But again, without forms, it's hard for people to notice their resistance. to the teachings of compassion and the teachings of wisdom. Most people don't have too much trouble finding some resistance. Even old-timers, you know, as they get into more and more wholehearted engagement with the form, it surfaces some resistance usually.

[05:39]

Even after many years to settle completely into the form, day after day. And if you haven't been doing a lot of forms for a few weeks or a few months and then you go back into a situation like this where there's lots of forms, there's usually some adaptation period. Oftentimes it takes about the length of the retreat. Right at the last day of the retreat people feel, ah, finally I'm here, I'm accepting it, I'm not resisting, and it's over. But for a lot of people, it takes about a week to settle. Five days to a week. Now, if you have more time than that, you can take longer to settle. So if you have three months, it takes about a month and a half. But people do... They get tired of resisting, and they flop into the schedule, and they flop into the form, and pretty soon they're just, like, doing it.

[06:48]

You know... with almost no resistance. Or some people have no resistance at the beginning and then it develops later. There's different patterns. So anyway, I appreciate people expressing the resistance that they're experiencing. It helps us all to know that it's part of the game. It's part of the course. Well, there's a few more things that I'd like to share with you, but at the same time, I think maybe the most important thing is how we interact, for us to enact and embody the teachings by our interactions, I think, are more important than me to say.

[08:40]

but I thought I might just say a tiny bit more today, and that is to tell a story which I often tell about a Chinese person, a Chinese aristocrat who was quite wealthy, and he was a dragon aficionado Well, I would say particularly he loved carved dragons. Never met a real dragon. Carved dragons. At Roger's house, his kids love dragons, carved dragons, too. Do they like them, or did you force these dragons on them? They went and grabbed them off the shelf at Toys R Us. Yeah, his kids really like them. They have one of the best dragon collections they've ever seen. They have about six of them. And yeah, so he had a nice dragon collection, carved dragons that they have.

[09:50]

They're just little boys. They're not maybe quite ready for the real dragon. Anyway, this Duke of Joe was his name. He loved carved dragons and he had a wonderful collection of them. I heard that they're made out of various materials like wood. Jade, lapis lazuli, coral, wonderful, beautiful carved dragons. And one day, the duke was in his house, out in the veranda of his mansion with his carved dragons, and a real dragon happened to be flying over. Have I told you this story before, Mitch? I've heard it on tapes. On my tapes? Yeah, it's okay. It's okay? You can stand it one more time? Yeah, okay. Have you heard it yet?

[10:53]

Have you heard it? Me? Well, you, you said no. I was looking at Al. You haven't heard it yet? Okay, Al. This is your send-off story. You can take this back to Pittsburgh with you. So anyway, a real dragon is flying over the estate. I first heard Suzuki Roshi tell this story. So he said, the real dragon flew and saw all the carved dragons. And the real dragon thought, oh, this guy likes carved dragons. Maybe he'd like to meet a real one. I'll go visit. He might like to see me, because I'm a real one. So he flies down, as the guru said, he flew down. When the duke looked up and saw the real dragon, he went, and fainted. So in Zen, different Zen practitioners have used this story in various ways.

[11:57]

Dogen used it too, but the way I'm using it is that the real dragon is the actual practice of the Buddhas. And the carved dragon is my practice, your practice. A reb goes to the zendo and sits on his seat for a few years. and sits quite a bit if you add it all up he spent a lot of time sitting on his seat carving his making his little car drag day after day year after year making the car dragons and so part of this story is that the real dragon the act the practice of all of us together is swooping around above us all the time while we're making our little And our carved dragon, the fact that we're making carved dragons, attracts the big dragon.

[13:08]

The big dragon looks at us and says, probably she would like me to come to visit because she likes little dragons. Maybe she'd like a real big living, breathing dragon. So our little carved dragons are an invitation to the big dragons. So they're coming and swooping around us all the time, you know. waiting for the moment to reveal themselves. But they know they don't want to reveal themselves too soon because we'll faint. They want to make sure that we can face our life situation before they show themselves full out. So Dogen says at various points something like, honored and long accustomed... to groping for the elephant, don't be suspicious of the true dragon. In another place he says, don't esteem or despise the carved dragon.

[14:22]

Your own practice of sitting, your own practice of studying the Dharma, your own practice of supporting your fellow Sangha members. This is your practice. This is your card dragon. Don't esteem your practice. Don't despise it. Don't like it. Don't hate it. Well, what should I do with it? Become intimate with it. Being intimate with your practice Being intimate with your practice doesn't mean you like it and it doesn't mean you hate it. You might like it, that's your business. You might hate it, that's your business. You're not being asked to do that. You're being asked to become intimate with your carved dragon practice, with your sitting. Become intimate with it. And what about the real dragon?

[15:26]

Also, don't like it and don't dislike it. Oh, real dragon, I suppose I should like that. No. You can if you want to, but that's not being encouraged. Easy to hate it, it's so big. And, you know, what will happen to me if I let the real dragon into my life? I would just fall into pieces, probably, you know. You know, opening to the practice of everybody? Oh, no! You could hate that if you wanted to. You could like it. Like, well, that would be totally cool. No. Same thing. Become intimate with the real dragon. And if you become intimate with the carved dragon, you can be intimate with the real dragon, because intimacy is the same. Not liking, not disliking. Just be gracious with the little dragon.

[16:33]

They're working together. The dragon's inviting the big dragon. The big dragon loves the little dragon. But if I'm not intimate with my own practice, which means if I like my own practice, like, hey, I got a practice here. This is like one of the best practices around. I mean, it's knowledge. It's really better than most other people's. No, no, that's not intimacy. Or this is, I have the worst practice, or I have a below average practice, and I want to get rid of it and get a better one. That's not intimacy either. Intimacy is intimacy. Like you, each of you have a practice, and if you're really, that's the practice you have, and if you're gracious with that, and patient with that, then you have what we call just sitting. Not trying to improve it, not liking it, not disliking it, just sitting moment by moment, walking, standing moment by moment, and being gracious with that, intimate with that, letting like and dislike drop away.

[17:51]

If you can be intimate with that, then you can be intimate with the real dragon. And also intimate with the real dragon without being intimate with the little dragon. You can't skip over the little dragon and say, okay, give me the real dragon. If you do that, you don't know how to be intimate with it. You'll just get bowled over and fight back. You'll hate it. You'll hold on to it. Anyway, you've got to take care of the little dragon. You do have a little dragon, so please take care of it. Become intimate with it. And naturally you'll notice that somebody else is nearby. Called the Buddha, or the practice of the Buddha. All the Buddhas are with us. If we take care of what we're doing wholeheartedly, let everybody help us, we'll realize that.

[18:58]

So when we say express the Buddha body or the Buddha mudra in our actions, we mean our little actions, our little carved actions, our little carved thoughts, our little carved speech, our little carved postures. These are our expressions. And then the whole sky becomes filled with Buddha. Does that make sense? I have one more big story to tell, but I think I'll wait until tomorrow to tell that. You can get it off. So if anybody would like to come up and enact or embody any dragon carvings, There seems to be a space available for expressing yourself right here.

[20:07]

This is the expression chamber. Please. Your big dragon, little dragon story brought to mind, an experience of mine. I live in Fort Lauderdale, and I belong to a neighborhood association, and every year they have a home tour. This means speak up. Okay, I live in Fort Lauderdale. I belong to a neighborhood association, and every year they have a home tour, and the people who belong to the association act as guides and stay at these houses. come in and tour them. And one of the houses on the list a couple years ago was called a Zen house. And I said, oh, this should be interesting. So I signed up and I ended up getting assigned to the Zen house.

[21:12]

And so I went into the Zen house and it was beautiful. I mean, it was like a Zen monastery. you know, candles and, you know... A carved dragon of a Zen monastery. Right, right. And, you know, beautiful ceilings and everything. And, you know, I was rather, wow, this is something. Beautiful example. Right, yeah. Get the picture? This is a carving of a Zen monastery. I went to the owner. I asked to find the owner, and they said she was out in the back, and she was standing there with a cigarette and a cocktail. And, you know, I asked her, I asked her, you know, I mean, it's a beautiful house you have here. I mean, where do you meditate? And she actually was embarrassed. She says, you know, I don't meditate. Okay. And I said, oh, okay. And I, you know, just went out. You know, and I started thinking, well, gee, you know, here's, you know, here's a real dragon.

[22:17]

But then I said, well, why am I the real dragon? You know, why is my practice, you know, what I do any more real than what she's doing? Right. And so that, in a sense, then... Yeah, very nice. It was, you know, rather than sort of feeling superior to this kind of thing, it was more of a sense that, well, we were both involved in a practice. And, you know, that's it. Yeah. So she made this carving of a Zen monastery. No, no, I mean her house, the inside. Her house, yeah. Her house is a carving of a Zen temple. Right. And you brought a carved dragon into the house. That's great. And then once you arrived, you could have said to her, Do you think we should invite a real Zen person to come in here? Right. And you both go, Well, maybe not. Just have some cocktails, okay?

[23:17]

Very good start. Thank you. See, if you make a carving of a Zen temple and then you advertise, you know, put Zen temple on the front, then, you know, some people will come and bring more carved dragons in. Eventually, the real dragon will show up. So get ready. So you expose yourself by doing that. That's good. I wonder how many Zen houses there are in Florida. Zen houses unite. I just thought, obviously, maybe the Zen groups here could say, well, can we come and practice meditation in your house? That's what we discussed at lunch. We had a meeting about that. Yes, Tom? Well, maybe I have a Zen house here.

[24:19]

A little different metaphor. Okay. I think I have a carved dragon. However, on occasion, with certain things that happen, a real dragon comes out. Big time. Mm-hmm. Good. And... I'm thinking of a time just a couple of months ago where my wife and I got into it over some spilled wine and other things on our papers. And she said, get out of here. I said, I'll get out of here. So I slammed the... It came off the hinges. So the real dragon came out. It's a little different metaphor. But I know it's different. And I'm just saying... But I'm... looking at is how any coaching... Yeah, that's where it was the real drag. The real drag was kind of coming and saying, Tom, you think you got a... You think you got Zen practice?

[25:22]

Well, how come you're slamming the door, Tom? Yes, there we go. Oh, my God. Yeah, right. Very good. So it's a little different way of looking at it, but I'm wondering how to Manage that reactive mind a little bit. Well, what do you think I'm going to say? Say? You said manage, right? What do you think I'm going to say about the word manage? I don't think you're going to like it. I don't dislike it. I love it. I love the word manage. It gives me a chance to say, Be generous with the reactive mind. Be gracious with it. Like when the reactive mind comes, don't get into manager. It's a dangerous mind, that reactive mind, right? It slams doors at your dear wife.

[26:26]

It's a powerful thing. We join our palms and bow to the reactive mind gracefully. And we say, thank you very much complaint whatsoever, and we mean it. Or we learn how to say that. So don't try to control or manage this reactive mind. The reactive mind is the same mind as the controlling mind. So feedback is difficult. And then, you know, one way to try to control your wife is slam the door. I'll teach her a thing or two. Whatever, anyway. So be gracious with the reactive mind. Be gracious with the reactive dentistry students. Graciousness with the... The reactive mind will just rebel if you try to manage it. It's reacting and saying, you know, that's it.

[27:32]

That's its attempt to control. And if anything tries to control it, it will try to control what's trying to control it. And we'll just have more, you know, mutual attempt to dominate. Yeah, so I would say I don't dislike the word manage, though. I don't dislike it. I want to be intimate with it. I don't dislike it, and I don't like it. I say, oh, here's an opportunity for Superman. Here's an opportunity for graciousness. So reactive mind, graciousness. But if graciousness doesn't come to the reactive mind, and the managing mind comes instead, then be gracious towards them. At some point, anyway, bring in the practice. The practice is not trying to manage the world. The practice is trying to love the world.

[28:33]

And if we love the world, the world will wake up. Thank you. Yeah, thank you for giving me the gift of manager mind. Thank you. You're welcome. Managing mind. Makes me think of my managing mind. Ah, yes. A managing mind I have encountered. Reactive mind.

[29:34]

I guess. It just made me think of... I'm a visual person, I guess. It popped up. Of fire. Reactive mind. And the managing mind, with its lack of graciousness, is simply like, what hot fire? And he puts his hand in it as if that's going to make the fire burn out, but the fire will burn out either way. I don't know. That's what helps me think of it that way. Good, good. But then also about the dragon, I read that Suzuki. [...] Sudoku. Sudoku. Sudoku. Um, I read, I remember, uh, you said you can't remember what he used it for. He said he used it as, um, If we harbor our fantasies too much, carve our dragons, when we... By the way, Suzuki said he even made his house into a dragon.

[30:46]

Oh, yeah, right. His house he made into a dragon, too. The layout was like the shape of a dragon. And if we pay so much attention to these carved dragons, when the dragon comes down, What he described it as was just fear, like, oh my god, that's the real dragon. I was wrong. This is a very bad garb dragon or something like that. Or we might think maybe it is a good garb dragon. But either way, if we encounter the real dragon, we realize that we should not mistake the two for each other. And... Mistaken for each other, right. And also... Also what? We can carve the carved dragon a little better if we see more of what it's trying to look like. Right. And also we can carve it better if we realize it's a carved dragon. Also, the other thing is to remember that the real dragon and the carved dragon are never separate. And the carved dragon is based on the real dragon.

[31:50]

And the card dragon might not love the real dragon, but the real dragon loves the card dragon. So where is that lecture? Where is it? I think it's in Not Only So. Okay, thank you. Pretty good. 17. You can just continue. Please come. I have some more pain to bring.

[33:04]

Could you speak up? And I'm glad my friends Roger and Mitch are here. When I was with Roshi in the room, my brother's suicide when I was a teenager. And I've had a lot of help with that. And I've always, I've been able to talk about that with people. When my brother died, my parents left and they left us with a babysitter. Then went to his college to pick up everything. And I had a bird that was a special pet. I wouldn't feed the bird. You wouldn't? It would sing and I just couldn't hear it.

[34:08]

I didn't want to. And I let it die within a few days. And my mother came back and she was so angry with me. I don't even, that was past even knowing what I felt by that time. Oh. How do you get this out? It feels better. It does. It feels better. It's something that's just so hard to talk about. Yeah. It's understandable that you didn't think it was okay to hear the birds singing anymore. You shouldn't hear any singing after this, right? No more happiness is allowed. I love that bird.

[35:09]

You love the bird and you love the song and you love your brother. And that's what happens when this kind of twist happens. We can't stand to face anymore for a while. But if you get it out in the open, you can stand to open up again. Very good. Thank you everyone for helping her. Thank you, Roshi. You're welcome. The real dragon has the jewel of wisdom, the treasure under the chin.

[36:13]

Yeah. And I'm assuming that our carb dragons... Are in the mouth. Are in the mouth. And I'm assuming that our devices and methods and practices, they don't have the jewel. So how, or maybe that's mistaken, how do we get to the real... We don't have the fire of the real dragon, and we don't have the wisdom using our carved devices, so how do we rule? Again, if we... And she has a dragon on her chest. Again, if we open to the form dragon, to the limited dragon, if we learn how to be intimate, Our willingness to be intimate with that will allow us to be intimate with the real dragon that's always with us. We live in the real dragon. But if we close to the carved dragon, we close to the real dragon.

[37:19]

intimate with the car dragon and we can learn to be intimate with it we actually already are intimate with it but we resist that so if that's why all of our forms in our practice or other people's practice too not just zen forms all the forms are opportunities to become intimate with and it's difficult to become intimate with car dragons we resist that but if we can try When we try, we notice resistance. If you don't even try to do these forms, you won't resist them. Zen students are the only people that are resisting Zen forms. Other people who aren't at the sesshin are not resisting it. But when we sign up for this and we enter into these forms, then we notice we don't feel intimate. a little different, a little separation, or a big separation. And the little separation can hurt as much as... As a matter of fact, the little bit of separation in some ways is more painfully, more subtly painful.

[38:27]

So if you can stand all the little resistances and little stuff that's between you and the forms, you can relax into and completely settle in the form. See what's the form. open to the intimacy with the real dragon. That's the proposal. Prove me right, prove me wrong. Prove me wrong, come and tell me. Also, I never heard of that definition before as far as not liking or disliking, no preferences, and that really changed my view about everything. So I really want that. Oh, great. Yeah, it really changed things for me. Changed my view, too. That's why I shared it with you. Being involved in likes and dislikes distracts us from intimacy. But, you know, you're a human being. You like some things. It's okay.

[39:28]

You're a human being. You dislike some things. It's okay. Just be gracious with the likes and dislikes. They'll drop away. And here will come Craig. I really appreciate that comment about only Zen students have resistance to Zen forms. That's just great. I honestly never thought of that. And I have a story about resistance and my bad carved dragon that I want to share, if I may. Okay. It's okay with me. Is it okay with you? to hear this story of his resistance to something? Did you say bad car dragon? Bad car dragon. Very bad. So during this last summer, I was having this rather unprecedented business problem.

[40:33]

And it wasn't about money. which I find those problems relatively easier to deal with. It was about creative issues, complicated and emotional. Can you hear him? And I'd signed up to participate in a seven-day session at Green Gulch Farm. By the way, Green Gulch is called Green Dragon Temple. Thank you. And I'd signed up many months in advance. And this problem arose and it really should have been resolved well before this session started. But it hadn't. Well, maybe I shouldn't do this session after all. I was, no, I think I'll do it. So the first night was not too caught up with the problem.

[41:34]

It was more caught up with abject fear about what I had just gotten myself into, and principally fear of Oryoki, frankly, but other things as well. Then I got over that, and for the first two days I was just consumed with this seemingly bad practice of thinking about this business problem. And over the first two days of that session, I thought about it just redundantly, repeatedly. If they do this, I should do that. And what about if this happens and if that happens and so on, just on and on for the better part of two solid days. Feeling very badly about my practice while doing it. And what happened was by about the end of the day, I was so bored with the problem and aware of the fact that I have thought every possible constructive thought that can be thought on the topic of this problem probably 12 times.

[43:00]

You know, that You just kind of let it go and do something else, like practice. And then something else really very nice happened, which is over the ensuing days I also kind of got used to the idea of whatever the outcome might be. So, you know, it proved to be quite a blessing and sort of a good reminder to me that sometimes not-so-good practice can actually end up being good practice. Or not-so-good practice can be nourishment for good practice. Not-good practice can be the ground in which wisdom can arise. So it's not good practice, but without it, the good practice couldn't have arisen.

[44:05]

Yeah. It's occurred to me that, you know, I've been practicing for getting close to three years now, and it's occurred to me there may be a point in time when I look back at the whole three years and say, well, that really wasn't such good practice. Maybe. But it hopefully will be something that Yeah, it's just the fourth year. Yeah, right. Which is great. Yeah, thank you. And so we're very grateful to the first three years. Yeah, exactly. So we're in the fourth year, and then we'll be grateful. They make possible another year of practice. No matter what it is, we're grateful to it. It's a gift. Thank you. I hear so many painful stories with pleasure.

[45:21]

You have painful stories? What did you say? No, I heard or we shared so many painful stories. Oh, yes, you heard many painful stories, yes. My issue is rather with pleasure, in particular sexuality. I'm in my seventies and I still have sexual fantasies, although I'm happily married. And sometimes I even mix up fantasy and reality. And it's very difficult to give something up you like. Pain we dislike. We can penetrate this and it dissolves. But when there's something pleasurable, it's very hard.

[46:22]

Sometimes it's disturbing my practice, my relationship, my whole view of reality. Sometimes I'm very free of it, but then there are phases. ...of indulging. I know that's not the Dharma and that's not my practice. So I invite you all... It's the first time I hear this coming up and... I don't discuss normally, and I feel free to bring it up here. Wonderful. In our circle of loving compassion. Yes. And in this circle of loving compassion, there's loving compassion towards... And in that loving compassion, there's no attachment to these fantasies and no trying to get rid of these fantasies.

[47:30]

And in that loving, generous environment, without moving the fantasies, without holding on to them or pushing them away, the lotus of the true Dharma will germinate and sprout. I was following a teaching before and I was repressing myself for about 25 years. It was a great value placed on chastity. So sexuality was non-existent or forbidding. And I feel somehow I have still to catch up. My body has to catch up. I missed out. And although I can control it at times, but sometimes it just overwhelms me. Yeah. Sounds like there was chastity without generosity.

[48:37]

Yeah, exactly. Chastity is fun as long as it's a gift. But chastity, where you're being stingy and withholding, And that's not the Buddha's chastity. The people who are celibate or chaste, sexually chaste, in this tradition, the bodhisattvas are not stopping anything. They're giving away this energy all the time, giving this energy. I'm very grateful to my wife who is a bodhisattva, who is very forgiving and sometimes we laugh and joke. And she can embrace it probably more easily than I can. Wonderful. Congratulations on surviving all those years of stinginess. And congratulations on your future.

[49:41]

Thank you. Can I sit back and look? Yes, I don't want to. Yes. I would like to address you. That's fine. I just want to say to all of you, before this session, I've never realized how much I've helped. And that has been such a revelation. And not only you, but the 10,000 things have been helping me all along. And I didn't see it. Not only that, but loving also.

[50:42]

I also want to thank everyone for sharing. It's incredible. We're quiet the whole time we're here, right? That's great and wonderful, but everyone's come out and said a lot, and it's done me a lot of good. I really thank you for sharing. and follow suit. Good writing. I just wanted to build on what you said. It's very powerful, and this group of people started sharing some very intimate things, and there was different controversies that came up.

[52:29]

But at the end, it was this beautiful sharing experience. And I left thinking, boy, this is a really neat group of people, this group of people. And then to come to Florida and see the same thing happen with this group of people. You realize it isn't this group of people or that group of people, but this is possible everywhere and every moment. Until you said that, I didn't put two and two together, so thank you for that. The extraordinary story we heard of... You.

[53:42]

Kathy. Kathy. This afternoon, we had two sessions, and I have to say, both sessions was difficult. Not just a little bit difficult, but extremely difficult. And this isn't new. And I've been... Difficulty isn't new? Difficulty isn't new. It comes in waves, it seems. And I've been, you know, doing one thing or another for nearly 40 years. And I'm recently, in recent years, discovering there's sort of ordinary physical tension. And then there's much more subtle tensions in the face and the forehead and the jaw and the teeth and all over the place that are part of the resistance eventually.

[54:59]

And what I've recently discovered, am discovering, is this broken heart. When it can appear, these tensions trust that. And I can't relax those tensions, these deep ones, that could be decades old. Who knows? This is why it reminded funnest story. Decades old, these tensions. And maybe even more than that, who knows? But throughout the afternoon, and it did become easier, but a kind of equanimity did come into being at some point by turning towards what in other traditions are called the genuine heart of sadness or the soft spot in the heart. These deep, deep tensions

[56:03]

kind of melt away in the presence of that because there's no threat there. There's just no threat. There's no sense of managing it. There's no sense of doing anything. It's just including, it's almost by including this quality of heart that these tensions don't see a point in holding themselves up. And Kathy's story reminds me of that. I just want to not hear myself like that.

[57:27]

I want to thank you and the Sangha. Speak up. I would like to thank you and the Sangha. I have been touched. I don't know how else to say it. But your words have touched me. And the words of the Sangha have touched me. And... But this is ridiculous. But it's not sadness. It's gratitude, I guess. And... hearing the people in this tell of their their pain. I just I want to I want to take take your pain I want to accept the gift of your pain and and me with mine.

[58:42]

And I want you to accept my tears of joy. And I thank you. Thank you for the gift. In circumstances like this, keep drinking fluids. Well, talk about managing the managing mind.

[59:47]

The teachings here are so wonderful. You know, the tears on the cushion. Myotai sensei once said to me, why do you cry when you sit? It took me, you know, I'm going, first of all. She doesn't remember me. No, no, because I was a real baller. I mean, you know, during session, it's just, everything's wet. And I don't want to move, so it's just draining, you know, it's dripping, and it's just disgusting. Anyway, you know, she goes, why do you cry? And at first I went, why do you ask? You know, typical act. But I kept crying, and finally I went, well, you know, maybe I should ask that question of myself.

[60:49]

And so I did, and I just started kind of paying attention to what was going on when I was crying. And I started discovering this whole range of tears, flavor of tears that You know, many flavors. Flavors involve feelings and thoughts. It was extraordinary. It was a gift of revelation. And, you know, now I cry and I go, well, let's see, what flavor are those tears, you know? And often I can, you know, that reaction that's what do they say when you're standing on the mountain and you can't see the mountain and hear these but you know you're still you're climbing this hill and you feel it you know you're there you're climbing something like pointing and eventually you start to see the different trees and the rocks and

[62:09]

all of that stuff that's there, you know, because it keeps going, you know, it keeps coming up. And eventually it's like the story emerges. You know, yeah, this makes me sad because years ago I had a similar experience and I chose to be sad at that point. Or this makes me mad because years ago somebody, about it, and I decided that's the way I was going to react every time I encountered this. I don't know. I mean, this stuff that we heap into our brains and believe, and I mean, sometimes it's wonderful, sometimes it's not so wonderful. But that's kind of what this practice has helped me to sort through, just be a little more skillful about dealing with the stuff that's painful, the stuff that's joyful.

[63:31]

yeah i mean it is to look at it as all as a gift to really just receive it um and uh no i mean i maybe there are other ways the one that i stumbled into um years ago and just trusted that it felt, I don't know, I guess it was kind of interesting at first, but there was a quality to it that I couldn't ignore. And I'm grateful to my parents for having, you know, as drunken and as crazy as they were in their own lives and, you know, dysfunctional in their own way. Their commitment, their example of commitment to equality was to, you know, to really studying things, to really appreciating things.

[64:50]

It was something that I was able to trust. That example, I was able to trust in it. You know, it just kind of happened. I didn't really question it. I just sort of trusted it. At the time that I stumbled into practice, yeah, I was in a hell of a lot of pain. I was suffering about as bad as I've ever suffered. I knew I had to do something, so I trusted that. So, attention, trust, persistence. Aren't those the parameters? Something like that. Talk about characteristics of an enlightened being, a character. I guess those parameters, come to think of it, those are one of the Akin Roshi's book, The Practice of Perfections.

[65:56]

One of the first books that I read when I... Well, anyway, I wanted to share all that. Thank you. Thank you. My practice is my robe. And the word that comes up, you're hearing all of your beautiful sharing and the teachings and everything.

[67:04]

I have a little sort of like a Florida dragon story that taught me a lot. And for me, it ties in with the practice of generosity. And that's the other paramedic. I was sitting in my backyard, and we have a beautiful statue of a heron. It's sort of almost the same color as the plants, so it sort of blends in. You've probably seen them at Target or Bells or whatever. Yard art, Florida yard art, only it's not pink. I'm sitting there, and I've noticed this great white heron come walking very carefully, very slowly. into my yard and just stopped. And his whole attention was focused on this statue. And, you know, I don't know. I quieted down so that I could observe this beautiful creature of nature investigating quietly, patiently, carefully, silently to see if there was any life.

[68:19]

How much? Adam. It occurred to me after hearing all of your beautiful sharing of pain that you have overcome, resistance that you have overcome, how important it is for me to continue to have patience, patience with this stuff, with the irritations of daily life, no matter how big, no matter how small, because unless I am patient with myself and my ability to develop this continuous generosity, you know, I'm going to be in that backyard a really long time, a really long time to see if there's any life. But also, as a grandparent, what I have found that if we're lucky enough to live long enough and we pay attention, regardless of whether we have children or grandchildren, To have this mind, this grandparenting mind, it just comes, I think, with patience and generosity.

[69:28]

So I'm very grateful that I had the good health and the good fortune to live long enough to discover the teaching, the dharma that always... I appreciate you being here. Thank you. I arrived late today. When I walked into the room, it felt deep and your other

[70:23]

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