I offered the expression bodhisattva dancing. And so tonight I offered the expression bodhisattva intimacy. I don't, you know, I'm not in charge of the word dancing. So I'm not suggesting that all dancing must be intimacy. But it does seem to me that bodhisattva dancing is intimacy. So the koan I offered yesterday during the talk is, what is the business under this patch robe?

[01:13]

And the teacher said, intimacy, but you could also say dancing. In In the tango, there's different roles to play. There's two people, two partners, and they take turns playing a role. One's called the leader and the other one's called, sometimes, the follower. And in a way, the followers the follower's responsibility or assignment is to not move.

[02:16]

And then if there's an invitation, the follower can accept the invitation and go where she's invited or he's invited. And again, as I suggested last week, movement is an illusion, but not something to deny, but understand, again, how to be intimate with the illusion of movement. And again, the follower understands I think the followers generally understand that they're supposed to be still until they're invited to go someplace else. After I'd been practicing it for a while, I found myself dancing with a fairly advanced follower, and I was struck.

[03:36]

by her ability in the middle of the dance to not move unless she was invited to do so, not move, not enter the illusion of movement, not act on invitation until she was invited, and that she would actually seem to be okay just standing completely still in the middle of the dance. Less experienced practitioners have difficulty tolerating being still until they're invited, so they usually anticipate what the invitation is. They think, well, maybe this is the invitation. I think maybe that was the invitation. So they start moving, and then they maybe get in the habit of moving ahead of the invitation. because they can't stand the stillness or they feel anxiety that they're going to miss the invitation or some various things that cause them to not actually be still.

[04:48]

But then here's this woman who's just like, she can do pretty much whatever you ask her to do, and she's not being asked to do anything, so she just doesn't move. And that could scare the leader too, just to meet such a person, but it also can make you feel like, wow, she seems to be okay with this. Someone said to me, I like coming here. And what she was referring to is she likes coming into the doksan room. She says, I like coming here.

[05:51]

And I can't, I'm not saying exactly what she said, but something like, I like coming here because it makes it hard to bring something in. This room makes it hard to bring something into the room. that's similar to the experienced follower who, she's in her place and her responsibility is not to bring something into this place, like her idea of what would be next. So the person said, I feel I can't or it's difficult to bring something in. And then she said, I think she said, it dims.

[06:54]

I think what she meant was, if I bring something in, the meaning dims. The situation dims. And that's part of the reason I think why we want to bring something in because we can't stand the light. Like a dancer in the middle of a dance who's not being invited to move and she's waiting to be invited to be moved but she's not being invited and she's still and it's very bright and she can stand it. She can stand there. And her And she's actually, usually also the dancer is not, the dancer is balanced on one, balanced with most of her weight on one foot.

[08:01]

She's not standing usually. In the middle of the dance, she's not standing with her weight on both feet. At the beginning of the dance, her weight might be on both feet, but then the leader invites her to put more weight on one foot than the other. This is for bipeds. Once there's more weight on one foot than the other, she can start walking, she can move. In the middle of the dance, however, she's not brought... Usually she's not brought to put her weight on both feet. She's brought from... She's moving her weight from one foot to the other, and now the weight has been shifted, so there's more weight on one foot. She's balanced on one foot. The other foot's touching, but very lightly, so she can move again, but she's not being invited to.

[09:04]

It's a very bright situation. There's more or less... You could say there's four possibilities of where she's going to go, but there's more than four. She can basically go in almost any direction from there. And that's a very bright situation, which is hard to tolerate. So this person says, if she comes in the room and she's bringing something, it dims it. Or if she comes in the room, and as she gets in the room, she starts to bring something, it gets dimmer. And then she changed it. She said, it seems like I'm lying. Seems like I'm lying. So you're meeting somebody and it's very bright and there may be an impulse to try to reach some place and get something to present.

[10:29]

You may have something, some place that you could bring to present. To present. To present. and that dims it. Because what you should be giving, of course, is something that you don't have to bring, something that's already here, namely yourself. And you don't have to move to give it. You just have to be willing to give it. And there's a feeling of, well, I should have something to give, something other than this. And that's why it's kind of like lying. It's like, rather than give this, I'll give that. Not necessarily that that is better than this, but that's not me. So, what do you call it? It's no skin off my nose if he doesn't like that. But what about this? What if this is insufficient?

[11:34]

What if this isn't acceptable? Well, that's me. So let's give something else besides me. the follower who's still now invited to go someplace, she's not bringing her idea of where, well, of course, she will express her idea of what she thought she was invited to do, but that's her. She actually gives herself when she's invited. I'm inviting you to go over here. I'm not inviting you to do anything but you go here. or you to do this, or you to do that. I'm inviting you to express yourself in this way or that way, and you think I'm inviting you to do something, and I watch to see what you think I invited you to do. And, yeah, it's wonderful to see what the person thinks they are and watch them give it.

[12:45]

So in the situation of Doksan, basically anything but you is a lie. Even if it's really brilliant and totally something totally adorable, if it's not you, it's a lie. because you're supposed to be giving yourself. So you shouldn't really be bringing something in or reaching for something interesting. So bodhisattva dancing requires that we are honestly giving ourself, because honestly, honestly, we are, we are ourself.

[14:02]

That's what we really are, and that's what's being asked for. Yeah. It may not be interesting. It may not be pleasant. It may not be comfortable. But it's authentic. And that's the dance. At least that's the key element of it. Another thing I mentioned yesterday, which someone also picked up on, was a statement by Jung, and my wife is a Jungian analyst, so I was going to ask her later about this, but the quote was something like, the soul is in the desire rather than the object.

[15:20]

And I guess that when Jung uses the word soul, he means like spiritual reality or something. In the Christian Bible, one definition of soul is the animating principle of life. So in Buddhism, the animating principle of life is, we call it, dependent co-arising. So I feel that in the Buddhadharma, the soul of Buddhadharma is dependent co-arising, is the interdependent arising of all things. The interdependent arising of each of us is our soul. Of course you can't grasp it. It's not substantial. but it's the great assembly of causes and conditions which makes us appear and exist for a moment as we are.

[16:25]

Well, so why is the soul more in — why is the soul or the truth or the animating principle more in the desiring than in the object? I think it's because karmic consciousness is an active consciousness which knows objects. Karmic consciousness is a kind of subject, a kind of a person, which knows. And it knows in a creative, storytelling way. And it also tends to, karmic consciousness tends to split the knowing and the known. Karmic consciousness knows objects, but it also projects a split between the knowing and the known.

[17:31]

And then it tends to emphasize the known. It tends to be aware of what is known So it splits and then it's aware of one side of the split, the object side. And this is a disease, to be aware of the object and then not be aware of the subject. So the medicine then is And also, this is not intimacy with the object, and it's not intimacy with the subject, which is virtually denied. Not consciously denied, but denied in the sense of ignored, not cared for. So the medicine is, if you know an object, for example, like intimacy, or the dance, or dancing, if you desire dancing, it would be good to turn the light around and shine it back on the desire for the dance, on the desire for the intimacy.

[18:50]

So I wouldn't say so much that the that the soul is in the desire, rather that if you pay attention to the desire, the soul will be revealed. If you pay attention to the desiring of the object, the truth of the desiring, which is the same truth as the truth of the object, the truth will be revealed, will be discovered and revealed. So part of part of what needs to be done is that we need to be studying the activity of knowing, not just knowing objects, but knowing the activity of knowing, not just knowing things that are desired, all the many things we desire during the day. It's fine to desire things, and in the midst of desire we need to look at the desiring.

[19:59]

We intend many objects, many accomplishments. That's fine. We need to attend to the intention. We need to attend to the wish. We need to attend to the will. We need to do that, and when we do that, then this consciousness which has been split becomes whole again. We still have subject-object, but now we're giving attention to the subject. We still have knowing and known, but now we're giving attention to the known. If we don't give attention to the known, we cling to it unconsciously. If we give attention to objects, we may cling to them consciously. But we have to turn around and look at the subject. We have to look at the knowing in order to discover that we're clinging.

[21:04]

Unless we discover that we're clinging, we will just continue to cling. If we discover that we're clinging, then we can continue to give attention to the clinging and practice compassion towards it and be relieved of it, or I should say achieve intimacy with it. Continuous, compassionate contemplation of karmic consciousness. You could have continuous, compassionate attention to objects. That's okay, too. It's good. That's good. You see an object, please be kind to it. Be kind to what you know. That's fine. And now, be kind to the knowing of the object. Be kind to what you desire.

[22:07]

That's good. If you desire something, be kind to what you desire. But we have to do this other hard part, the unusual thing. We have to learn this new thing of taking care of the desiring. Then we become balanced and whole, and then when we look at the subject or the object, we realize they're inseparable. And then we can really enjoy the intimacy with both sides, and the intimacy of both sides with each other, and the intimacy of karmic consciousness with the Buddhas. Do you want some instruction on your dancing form?

[23:56]

Please. Would you gassho again, please? So make some space in here, like this. In here. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. OK. So this is slipping away a bit. Subject object.

[24:58]

Okay, so I leave here in a couple of weeks. And... And I'm... I'm going to visit my children and grandchildren and friends. Can you hear him okay, Michael? Just speak a little louder, please. I will try. So I leave here in a couple of weeks and I'm going to... And I'm really looking forward to seeing my children and grandchildren.

[26:16]

Especially Leonard, because I haven't seen him yet. And I'm also at the same time looking forward to returning to America in June. And in both these situations I have particular desires. So, I'm going to deal with one of them because I, yeah, at the moment.

[27:24]

So I have a desire about being really close with you, right? And just... Just feeling the love. So that's my desire, to feel that love. And I guess what I understand for your saying is that in looking at that desire I have to let go

[28:42]

I can let go, I don't have to do anything. I can let go of my expectations and understanding of you and that love Not just looking at it, but looking at it compassionately. If you look at it and then try to control it, and you look at it and are overbearing with it, then you won't become free of either the desire or the thing you desire, the desiring or the thing desired.

[29:48]

Okay. So if this is a good desire, it's good to desire to be intimate with people, that's good. Basically, that's what bodhisattvas do have that desire. But even more, they wish other people to realize intimacy. That's an even stronger desire in a way. But they don't dwell in that desire because they know dwelling in that desire will interfere with what they desire. And it also, yeah, it interferes with the desiring coming to good fruit if we dwell in our desiring for good things. However, if you dwell on your desire of bad things, that helps them come to bad fruit.

[30:49]

So clinging to bad desires facilitates them. Clinging to good desires interferes. But paying attention to good desires and bad desires leads to us not dwelling in either and not dwelling in either is intimacy, or intimacy and not dwelling are the same. So then in that not dwelling with our good and bad desires, the Dharma is transmitted, is received and transmitted. So I'm sorry to be somewhat troublesome, but people sometimes say, are you looking forward to X? And I do sometimes say, no. I don't look forward, I practice not looking forward to things. And then, you know, then they get angry at me or whatever.

[31:56]

And also when I feel a desire to see someone, if I'm writing a letter, I don't write, I'm looking forward to seeing you, because I'm trying not to look forward to seeing them. I'd rather say, I desire to see you soon. I want to see you soon. I will be glad to see you. I feel okay about saying that I desire to see you, I desire to meet you, I want to meet you, but I don't like to say I look forward Because if I look forward, then when I get to meet them, I'm going to look forward to the next moment with them. And then in the next moment, I'll look forward to the next moment. And I'll never be there if I practice that way. It's easy to not be present. It's easy to miss it. And it may require being kind of a jerk, like saying, no, I don't look forward to seeing you.

[32:58]

But I want to. I really want to, and I want to so much that I'm giving up looking forward to it. And I know that's rude and stupid and weird, but I have to practice that way. Otherwise, I'll slip into going along with it. I'm looking forward to seeing you with you. I'll either say it just to be nice or I'll actually start getting into it. And I actually want to be present right now with my desire. Right now, I desire to see Leonard. I want Leonard's little body. I want it. But I'm not looking forward to Leonard. I'm right here in Green Gulch, wanting Leonard. I want Leonard. And if you... Huh? The 12th of December he was born. Yeah. So he wants Leonard. He's at Green Gulch. He wants Leonard.

[34:01]

And if he will just be here at Green Gulch and not be the slightest bit in the future, be right here in the present wanting Leonard, then maybe when he gets to see Leonard, he'll be there with Leonard rather than wanting to see Leonard... you know, looking forward to seeing Leonard. And you can even say, I love Leonard. I have not been looking forward to seeing you. I've been yearning to see you. I've been desiring to see you. And I've not been looking forward. I've been totally present with my desire to see you. And now I'm totally present with seeing you. I'm actually here looking at you. It's wonderful. Yeah. But it's hard, you know. About 30 years ago, one of my daughter's friends was visiting, and this girl

[35:02]

has two parents, as usual, and her parents got divorced. So then she got to spend time with her father and then spend time with her mother and then spend time with her father and then spend time with her mother. So she'd go back and forth between her parents. And she said, just a little girl, and she said something like, I don't know if she said, I noticed, but it's almost like, I noticed that when I'm with my mom and I'm going to the airport to see my dad, I forget that I'm with my mom. And then I go away from my mom to my dad. And then when I'm with my dad and I'm going to leave my dad, when I'm going to the airport, I want to see my mom and I forget that I'm with my dad. But she felt the pain and tragedy of that, that she was kind of betraying her mom for her dad and betraying her dad for her mom.

[36:14]

because she couldn't stand to be present with this desire for the other parent. And she used this example, she said, it's like at that time there were these very popular dolls called cabbage patch dolls, which you had to like be on a waiting list to buy or something. Anyway, they were very popular 30 years ago and she had a cabbage patch doll and she said, it's like you get a cabbage patch doll for Christmas. And then you open it up and you set it down with the other presents. And then somebody comes and cleans up the wrapping from the presents and accidentally puts the Cabbage Patch doll with the wrapping and puts them in the trash. and her father lived in Boston. And then they take it down to the trash and then you come and look for your doll and you can't find it.

[37:26]

And then someone says, well, maybe it got thrown in the trash. And you run downstairs and you see the garbage truck going away. And in Boston, when they find trophies in the garbage, they put them on the roof of the truck, you know, sometimes. So he said, then you see the truck going away with your doll on the roof. You know, she could see at that age how difficult it was to be present with her desire and not, you know, actually you're with your mother and you're desiring your dad, but you're still with your mother desiring your dad. But you can get distracted and then be with what you desire and then you miss out on being with yourself and being with the parent you're with. And then you do it the other way around. You're always missing when we do that.

[38:27]

But it's hard not to. So we have to learn to stay with the desire for Leonard all the way through the sky. Just be there with that. And then you can be with the other desires to be with the other people. Always be with your karmic consciousness, which is yearning and desiring, constantly yearning and desiring. That's okay. It's all right if we're home taking care of it and loving it. then it's okay. Otherwise, we're going to miss Leonard and miss Reb both. And also miss Malvern. And we're going to be totally stuck in . But it's hard to be really present with this guy moment by moment and not get distracted away from him and his desires by these wonderful beings.

[39:42]

Mommy and Daddy and Leonard. But that's what we need you to do. And I know you want to do that. I do. I have a thing, though. Because when I go and visit my children, I have to tell them that I am going away for at least three years. And then that's going to be, at least one of them is going to find that really difficult. Did you say... Oh, you said, I have to tell them.

[40:44]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there isn't an option not to tell them. Right, well... Yes. So do you want to tell them? Of course. Well, you want to tell them. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I really want to tell them. Yeah. But... But... But? But... It's a horrible word. He told me, would you please not say but anymore? I know, and I've not stopped using it since. Well, if I don't do it, you have to do it. I think we both have. Um... Yeah, you know. Well, you don't have to actually say it, but you want to say it, and you can tell them, there's something I want to say to you, but I'm kind of, I'm whatever, because I imagine this is going to be difficult for you to hear, but I want to tell you.

[41:51]

Yeah. It's difficult for you to hear, too. Difficult for you to see that it's hard for them. Difficult for you to say something that would be hard for them, you know, that you imagine would be hard. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I don't know. It's difficult for me. Well, the difficulty lies in the idea of causing them pain. Well, you know, again, from my own experience with my daughter, my daughter Téa, some ways that I am could be painful for her, I think are going to be painful for her. But I really feel like that's who I am, that's the dad she's got, is a dad that's painful.

[42:56]

So to make a long story short, many of you have heard this story before, I got to a situation with her where basically her mother said, I was going to leave for a while to go to Tassajara. and her mother said, you know, don't leave me alone with this unemployed person, this 19-year-old giant energy person who wanted to go to work but somehow couldn't make time in her schedule to get a job for a long time. And so her mother said, don't go away and leave me here with this person unemployed. And so I talked to her, and I decided I was going to tell my daughter that if she didn't get a job in a week, that we wanted her to move out.

[44:08]

And so she sat down. in the chair opposite her parents, and I said this, and then her mother said, I changed my mind. And then I said, I said, okay, this is just what your father wants. Your father wants you to move out if you don't get a job in a week. And the point I'm saying here is that when I said this to her, I knew from previous experience of delivering other messages which I thought she did not want to hear from me. Other times when I wanted to tell her who her father was, I wasn't telling her this to control her, to get her to move out. I was telling her so she would know, I want you to move out of this house in one week if you don't get a job. But again, from previous experience, I knew that if I deliver a message like this, I have to totally be present with her.

[45:15]

And I have to look at her face when I say this thing. And I do not want to look at that face when I say to that face something she doesn't like. It's so painful to me to say something to her that she doesn't like. really hard on me. So I wanted to deliver the message and look somewhere else. But I knew that if I did that, it would not be good. So when I said it to her, I managed to keep looking at her the whole time. And what I saw was she didn't like it, but she did amazingly well with it. And, yeah, she did amazingly well with it. It had a very happy ending, the whole story, just amazing.

[46:19]

But the key thing was, the most important moment was when I said it, that I looked at the response that I got. Now, if it was another, it could have been another face, and I would have said, I changed my mind. But the face I saw, I just let it go at that. And it was difficult to see that face, but I was able to keep looking at it and not turn away and then watch succeeding moments for about, about, 12, 14 hours I watched. I couldn't see her the whole time, but I just kept watching to see how she was. But the key moment was the original moment because if you deliver the message and you get a certain feedback, you adjust. You do something different. Or you stay with the message.

[47:22]

So if you deliver this message to the one or ones that you think it's going to be difficult, you need to really like be there and watch what happens. And be open to perhaps changing your story. Saying it a different way or even changing your mind. Don't be fixed like, this is what I'm going to do regardless of your response. I'm going to leave and go away for three years. No, just say, I want to do this. And then watch to see what happens and keep going with that. Because of course... I told her that. I told her what I wanted, which I didn't think she wanted to hear. I thought it would be best for her and for me and for her mother. And you think that you're coming back here to practice is going to be best for your family. You think this is going to be the most helpful thing you can do for your family. For all beings. Huh?

[48:24]

For all beings. And that's what you think is best for your family is that you work for all beings, not just for them. And you show them that that's what the grandfather and father is. He's the person who's working for them along with all beings. And that's what you think is the best thing for them. But the hard part is you have to look at the face of this person when you tell them the thing you're doing for that purpose. And since it's for all beings, you have to be there. And that's really hard. And you have to let go. And you will be able to let go. Once I delivered my message, I'd done my job. I was not trying to control her and get her out of the house. I was just giving her this message. And again, if I look away, that lack of intimacy with her, it can cause, it can encourage her to spin away, to spin away from the invitation.

[49:35]

If I turn away, then she gets to turn away. If I stay with her, even if she gets angry, if I'm with her, she can stay with her anger. But she didn't really get angry. She just said, what am I going to do? What will I do if I move out? And I said, I have confidence in you. I think you'll take care of yourself quite well. And she got up and went into her room, but she didn't, she was kind of like present when she got up and walked away. And when she closed her door, she didn't like, the door of her room has these wooden things around the frame, and often when she closed the door, she would knock the wood loose. that framed the door. But she just closed it firmly and the door did not sort of fall apart. laughter

[50:37]

And then next morning, what she'd been doing all summer was she was like going out, staying out till very late at night, like into the morning, coming home in the morning and then sleeping till noon. And then getting up and around 2.30 thinking about maybe go look for a job. And then by the time she'd get the place, they would have already closed. And she did that all summer, and with also various excursions to various parts of the state for recreational purposes. And so the next morning after this conversation, she got up. When I came back from Zazen, she was up like at 7.30 in the morning. And she asked me if I was going to San Francisco and asked me if I could go with her so she could look for a job. And then she did two things which she never did before or since.

[51:46]

She asked me which sweater to wear. And she asked me which pair of shoes to wear. And I commented, and she did what I... what I thought. And then so we went into town and I went swimming in the bay and she went off. When I came out of the water, she was waiting for me and she had already found a job. My version of the story is she found two jobs, but she said, no, just one. And then she was quite very happy that she'd found a job. And she said to me, do you think I did this because of what you said last night? And I said, and I was sincere, I said, I don't know. And that was the right answer. It was true, and it's what she wanted to hear.

[52:51]

She didn't want me to think that I had controlled her into getting a job, which I didn't think I'd had. This was just a wonderful thing, a wonderful gift that comes to us when we dare to be completely intimate with the situation. Not always delivering bad messages, but the same with delivering good messages. To look somebody's eyes and say, I love you, and actually to watch the consequences. You don't think it's going to be difficult for them to hear, but it might be. And you kind of know it might be, so you say, I love you, and kind of blink. and then you don't see what the response is, and then you can't see what to say after. But it's hard to watch somebody's face right when you say, I love you, to actually be there and not flinch, not shrink. It's hard. Whatever the message is, it's hard to actually be there.

[53:53]

We deliver the message, and then we reach someplace else. I'll be right back. I've got a message for you. I'll see you later. So when you go back, that will be your challenge is to deliver these heartfelt messages and really be present for the response. Make this offering and really watch what the response is and be right there and then offer another one and be right there and offer another one. And in this way, hopefully, you'll be with them and maybe come back But if you're with them and it postpones your return and you're with them that way, it will be the same as coming back here. You'll be doing just as much good there too if you do that. But it may be that doing that, they will be able to understand, hopefully, that what you're doing here has helped you be more with them, and that they want you to come back and train more at this thing that you're practicing with them, that you're practicing more thoroughly with them than you used to, so they can see this is a good thing for all of us, for you to learn more about whatever this is.

[55:21]

Mm-hmm. Cheers. Cheers. The family dance. This idea of desire, I associate a good deal of distance when I think of, between say myself and you, if I think of, if I feel desire, if I feel desire right now... Yes?

[56:42]

I don't feel as close to you, as intimate with you. And an extension of that for me is the notion of falling in love and the kind of sick feeling that is, desire that actually works in the opposite direction. Do you say, if you're with me and you feel desire, you feel a distance between us? Mm-hmm. So I'm suggesting to you, if you're with me and you feel desire and you feel the distance between us, I'm suggesting if you would take care of that desire wholeheartedly, you will feel no distance.

[57:57]

The distance will be realized as not real. take care of the desire? If you would take care of the desire plus the feeling, which includes also take care of the feeling of distance, if you really would take care of those wholeheartedly, you would realize you wouldn't dwell in the distance, in that you wouldn't dwell in the distance. And again, to feel desire, I think if you feel desire for something and you dwell in the desire, then that creates distance. Yes. But if you completely exert the feeling, the desire, completely embrace it and be calm with it and still with it and gentle with it and give up trying to control it, then there's no distance anymore. And also no desire.

[59:00]

Well, it's not that there's no desire. It's just that you verify that there's no dwelling in the desire. And when there's no dwelling in the desire, you realize the nature of the desire is that it cannot be found. Yes. And that will realize your deepest desire. which doesn't have, there's no distance, no real distance in the deepest desire. Thank you. You're welcome. I notice that it's difficult to be with the knowing of what's happening and also engage in some sort of learning activity.

[60:33]

Like, I mean, reading could be an example or something that requires some sort of thought process, huh? Well, also something you wish to accomplish. So you may have to sacrifice the accomplishment of a certain kind of learning in order to learn this other kind of learning. If you're in a learning situation and you desire to learn something, if you would do this practice, you would sacrifice the object. That's what it seems like. Yeah. Yeah. But sacrifice doesn't mean it won't be realized. It just means you sacrifice. You make it sacred. Make the object sacred rather than you make the object into something you're going to get. But when you make an object which you were kind of previously were trying to get, when you sacrifice it and thus make it sacred, now this object is no longer something to get.

[61:41]

This object is reminding me of sacred work. Namely, to not, rather than try to get this object, I'm going to say, hi object, I'll be right back. You may not be here when I get back, but I know I'll be back. I'm going to go and take care of my desire for you. And the object may say, if you do that, you may lose me. You say, I understand that, but I'm giving you up temporarily for your welfare. Because in order to save you, I have to take care of how I know you. And so I may not be able to accomplish you. Or you may not be able to give yourself to me if I do that. But if it's a good thing, you still may be able to realize it if you come back and take care of the desire. But you have to take a chance that you won't be able to accomplish it. Like if you're reading a book, and you would like turn around and look at your desire to read the book, you might not be able to read the book because you're not reading the book anymore.

[62:46]

You're reading the desire to read the book. And you may never come back to the book again. However, the book might be a book about the very thing you're practicing. And you're not going to read any more of the book. You're going to practice it. which means no more learning from this book, now learning from studying yourself, which might be what the book's about, if it's a Buddhist book. But if what you say is true and I keep doing that, then I won't ever engage in what's happening, say, when I'm reading. No, that's not necessarily true. It might be the case that if you really did this, it might be the case that people would say, Justin, please don't read that book. Teach me what you're doing. You say, I'd like to read a few books if you don't mind.

[63:49]

No, Justin, we don't need you to read books. We need you to teach us how to study ourself. and then you teach people how to study themselves, and they start writing down your teachings, and all these books are produced based on your teachings, which you never have time to read. The Buddha, as far as I know, never read any books about his teachings. But some really great books have been conjured up out of his magnificent teaching people how to study themselves. So you have to decide whether you're going to do the practice or try to get something. Now, once you learn how to do the practice, then you can go read the books without trying to get anything from the books. once you learn this, but you sort of have to give up trying to get something to learn how to give yourself to study, not to try to get anything.

[64:56]

In other words, give yourself to the study yourself, and temporarily it might mean that all the things you want to get are let go of because what you want to let go of is not, it's not so much let go of those, well you want to let go of those things but you want to reverse the human tendency to get knowledge, to get education, to get information. We want to reverse that to receive knowledge, receive information. We want to receive it but we have to like, in order to reverse that we have to turn around and look at the attempt to get. and learn to not dwell on that and switch to giving. Switch to the dance rather than getting our dance partner. And then it might turn out that your karma is that you will become a pretty energetic scholar of something. It's possible. But that you're not reading the book to get something.

[66:00]

You're giving yourself to the study, and the study gives back to you all kinds of knowledge, which you then give to others. And then they give you more knowledge. And you give to others and they give you more. So you've switched from greed to generosity. But at the beginning of the switch, it might seem like you're going to lose the thing that you're currently trying to get. But I would say you're sacrificing it rather than losing it. And if you don't quite know how to give it, you will later know how. And again... you may get assigned. Like what just came to my mind is that when I was in my first years at Zen Center, there was one of my fellow students who was named Carl Bielfeld, and Suzuki Roshi told him to become a Buddhist translator. So he went to Berkeley, and now he's translating the whole Shobo Genzo.

[67:07]

He became a professor, but he did that because Suzuki Ueshii asked him to. I don't know if he kept in touch with that this was his gift to Buddhism, but maybe he does understand that. I kind of think that I have the story that you can have both. You can kind of... What's the both? You can watch what you want to get and... watch the wanting to get and receive whatever is arriving. I agree. You can watch your desire to get something and receive the thing which you're desiring to get. But the key thing is that if you watch, if you fully watch your desire to get something, you won't dwell in the desire to get.

[68:09]

But you can still receive. Well, you can receive. And you will receive. And you'll understand that you're receiving. And you'll understand that you never did need to get anything in life. that you actually never got anything. Everything was given to you. You understand that when you don't dwell in the desire to get things. Even though your mind still maybe have conjuring scenarios of getting, if you are kind to those scenarios of acquisition and greed, you won't dwell on them. When you don't dwell on them, you'll understand that that's not the real world. The real world is not where you take what's not given. You only receive what's given. And it's hard to see, because we don't have a control group, if the person who studies himself and stops dwelling in himself and lives in a world of receiving, it's hard to see whether he is given more gifts than the person who, or even different gifts from the person who never studies himself and is just constantly trying to get stuff.

[69:11]

It's hard to see who gets the most gifts. But it's not too difficult to see that the one realizes he's getting gifts all the time, and the other one thinks he's taking stuff all the time. One thinks he's getting stuff and getting stuff, and he's just endlessly greedy and frightened, and the other one is not greedy at all. Or even if the greedy thought arises in his mind, he takes care of it and doesn't dwell in it. and everything for him is a gift. He's a gift. Everything in his life is a gift. So he lives in the world of giving. The other person lives in the world of getting. But what one receives and the other one gets might be, for all I know, exactly the same. Or it might be that the one who is in the giving department, however, feels that they have unlimited resources and the one who is getting may feel that they have kind of limited resources, and they're worried about that all the time.

[70:17]

And that's the justification for, you know, it's fine for you to talk about giving and studying yourself, but I can't have that luxury. I've got to get some stuff. You know, we have a shortage over here. This is the real world of shortage. This is the real world of dog-eat-dog, dog-take. This is not the world of dog receive and dog give. So we're talking about making a different world. Our study transforms the world. But there's a risk. Because at first, when you first make the change, you're not any longer getting anything. You actually stop a little while getting things and you're not... Okay. Turn away from getting and look at the desire to get. At that moment, you don't feel like you're getting anything, even though you have just received this great blessing of making this switch.

[71:19]

You've just switched from delusion to enlightenment. But it may not seem like you got a gift, but then later you realize, oh, wow, at that moment, I received a whole new life. Can you see the dance? Yes. You keep saying take care of it, take care of it, but I don't... Usually when I hear the words take care of something, there are usually some instructions that go with it. Like if you have a pet, you know, you get instructions on what they like to eat and how much exercise they need. But so taking care of this study, that phrase just seems so... Take care of karmic consciousness. Yeah, it seems so vague to me. I hear that, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to take care of it. Yeah, so then I break it down into, first of all, say thank you.

[72:22]

You know, welcome. You know, if it's a karmic consciousness that is desiring something, if it's a karmic consciousness that's judging, if it's a karmic consciousness that says this is a bad situation, if it's a karmic consciousness that says this is a great situation, if it's a karmic consciousness which says this is unfair, I'm going to take revenge, whatever, you know, you name it, whatever the story is, say thank you very much. even if the story is no thank you, this is unfair, this is a bad situation, then somebody else says, thank you very much. And you say, and then what? Be still. Be calm with this story. Be gentle with it. Be tender with it. Do not give up trying to control it. Give up trying to make... Huh?

[73:24]

What? You were telling me to give up trying to control it. Give up trying to control it. Even if the story is, I want to control this situation. So we grow compassion in the mind which wants to control. But the way we grow it is giving up that trying to control. Be patient with the pain. If there's any pain, be patient with it. And if you can't say, welcome, if you can't say, thank you, be patient with that inability. Well, I can say those things, but, you know, just saying it in my head doesn't seem to help. Well, if, I don't know what, if you have a headache, that's a karmic context, you have a story of a headache, you do have a headache, but you also have a story of the headache. So you can say, welcome to the headache, and you can feel like, that was not sincere.

[74:29]

I didn't really feel, I didn't, that wasn't a sincere welcome. And you can say it again. You say, that time it seemed sincere. I mean, yeah, I actually, and it didn't go away, but I'm not actually submerged in the headache anymore. And I wasn't trying to control myself. But I often observe that if I can actually sincerely say welcome to a difficult guest, it's kind of a miracle what happens to change from trying to get rid of this karmic consciousness, control it, punish it, whatever, to actually welcoming it. And the additional thing of, I don't do it just to have good relationships with my karmic consciousness. I also do it to now dwell in my karmic consciousness. Isn't welcoming something inviting it to dwell there?

[75:33]

I mean, like if you have a difficult past and you welcome it, what if they just, you know, make themselves at home and don't leave, you know? Like three square meals a day. Yeah, welcome that. Welcome that. The guest may be testing you to see if your welcoming is really sincere. I guess my fear is that there's really this welcoming. Welcome the fear. That whatever it is that's desired or not desired will take over. Yeah, exactly. I understand. Give it an inch and it'll take a mile. Yeah. Right. And it might. It might take a mile if you give it an inch. It says, okay, yeah. You gave me an inch. I think I'll take a mile just to see if your love is real. And then you say, well, it was real for an inch, but it's not for a mile.

[76:35]

Yeah. And then the guest says, yeah, well, how about half a mile? You say, no, how about a foot? Okay. Okay, a foot. Okay, I'll take a foot then. But I understand this thing about give it an inch, it might take a mile. And sometimes it does, but it definitely might. And so then I say, okay, I could give an inch, but I can't give a mile. In my generosity, my welcoming is not that developed yet. So I'm patient with that, maybe. And then when I talk to people, sometimes I do find they cannot welcome this, but they can welcome their inability to welcome this. Well, again, that's a start.

[77:39]

What I'm talking about here is learning to dance with everybody. But there's some people who are extremely difficult dancers, and some of the very difficult dancers are, in some ways, very, very skillful dancers. But they're also difficult. Anyway... The bodhisattva dancing is learning to dance with everybody. That's the vow. Sentient beings are numberless. I vow to dance with them all. I vow to learn to dance with everybody. Enlightenment is dancing with everybody. But we can't yet dance with everybody. Most of us have not yet reached that stage of development.

[78:43]

This is our vow. And it includes saying, I can't dance with this person. At least, I can't dance with the way this person is right now. I cannot dance with them. I cannot relax. I cannot give up trying to control them. So I had this dance partner, you know, when I was doing tango dancing, I had this dance partner and this dance partner, I was supposed to be the leader and she was supposed to be the follower and she was not following me, she was leading me because I'm not a very good leader. She had some good ideas for me. So she led where the dance should be going and she was good. But the teacher said, you're leading. You're supposed to be following. And they caught her several times, and she listened to them. I couldn't tell her, you're following. You're leading, I mean.

[79:44]

I'm supposed to be the leader. That's not my job. I'm the leader, not the teacher. And if she won't follow, I should follow her. And then the teachers see me following her, and they say, wait a minute. And they tell her. And they tell her again. And she learned. And she learned. It was wonderful. Amazing, wonderful thing. But some people, they're at our limit. Or just beyond the pale. We can't quite dance with this person yet. it's just too much, so then we say, okay, I can welcome that it's too much. I mean, I can welcome that I can't do it. But what if that person is the self?

[80:45]

Same. That you can't open to yourself, you can't say welcome to yourself. Well, basically it starts there. I can't say welcome to this karmic consciousness. Now, in that karmic consciousness could be another person who says, I can't welcome that person. But basically, you're not welcoming your karmic consciousness. You're not welcoming your story you have about somebody. However, you can be patient with your inability to welcome. Not very much longer. So you can be, maybe, can you be, can you welcome that statement of not very much longer? So we keep looking. Part of it is to be flexible and keep looking, well, where can I get a foothold in this compassion? I can't be compassionate that way. Is there some other way I can be? I can't give a mile. I can give an inch. That counts. An inch, a sincere inch, is better than an insincere mile. That's good.

[81:47]

And even this inch, I'm afraid that they're going to ask for a mile, but I'm still going to risk giving an inch knowing that the big request may come, which I probably will say no to, but I'm going to take the risk of opening a little bit. And not always do they ask for a mile. Sometimes they'd ask for two inches. You say, I'm up for that. Okay. Okay. You're welcome. Actually, you're welcome. Can you believe that?

[82:24]

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