This morning I opened up the possibility of contemplating two different words. One is guidance and the other is control. it seems like a lot of people who live in this world are really wanting to get in control or be in control of something. There are expressions floating around like, take control of your life. Have you heard that one? I just heard from a friend of mine something about taking control of her body.

[01:05]

Take control of your children. Take control of your classroom. I went... I went to a place called Proof Lab, which is a business that sells surfing equipment and also sells skateboards. I took my grandson there for his birthday to buy him, you know, a new skateboard that he could put together. He could choose the different parts and put together there in the store. And I heard him say, while the board was being constructed, something about control. There's an issue of control when you're skateboarding.

[02:08]

And then he also asked me, I think maybe at that same time, he asked me if I'd heard of SZA. Do you know SZA? S-Z-A? It's a singer, right? Yeah. It's a singer who was nominated for a bunch of Grammys the other day. And her latest album, which is up for Emmys, no, Grammys, is CTRL, which is pronounced control. It's the name of her album. And I think the... I looked it up. He said, do you know Saza? I said, no. He said, you don't know the album Control? I said, no. So I looked it up and at the beginning of the album it says something like, you know, basically I think it says something like, you know, I'm trying to control things and it's just causing a lot of misery.

[03:12]

And in a few days I'm going to go to Houston, Texas to do a retreat. And in Houston, near Houston they have NASA, right? And NASA they have the control center in NASA, right? And there's this thing about controlling these rockets to take off fly up in the sky, drop various parts, orbit, and then come back to Earth and land safely. And so there's this wonderful feeling that they're actually in control of that. But some of them may not see it that way. They may see actually they're guiding this cargo up into the sky guiding it around space and guiding it back and guiding it to a safe landing. It seems like often if we are trying to guide

[04:34]

some process, influence it in a beneficial way, make a beneficial contribution, we sometimes can actually say, okay, I'm trying to offer guidance here. Sometimes people ask me, would you guide me? They don't very often ask, say, would you control me? But they do sometimes say, what should I do? And I say, well, I'm not here to tell you what you should do. But if you tell me what you want to do, I'd be happy. If it's something wholesome, I'll be happy to assist you on this wholesome path. And if I see you veering from it, I would be happy to ask you about what you're doing. If you tell me you want to go north, and I see you going south, and you want me to, I might say, may I ask you, are you going, what direction do you think you're going?

[05:40]

So in that way, I'm happy to guide people on the path they want to walk, particularly if it's a path of peace and harmony of all beings. But I cannot control people into choosing this path or walking this path. I cannot. And also I feel if I were to try, it would be, as we say, contraindicated. To try to control people on the path of enlightenment is antithetical to the path of enlightenment. But when we become anxious and afraid, we sometimes feel like, you know, guidance is a luxury. We have to control these kids. So shifting from guidance or relationship to control usually comes with fear that a disaster will happen if you don't control it.

[06:54]

or try to control it. And it's true, disasters may occur if you don't try to control things. And they may occur if you do try to control things. Either way, disasters may occur. Disaster actually means sort of the stars are off, the stars are dis. The stars are in disarray. Disaster. Disasters may occur. Stars may fall. As Mark Twain said, I've seen some of the best ones fall. Stars may explode. The Buddha way is about how to deal with disasters if they should happen to come to visit us. It's not about controlling birth and death.

[08:03]

It's not about controlling and avoiding disaster. It's about being at peace with whatever. And whatever is coming. For sure, whatever is coming. I did not come to Zen Center to get the world under control. I did not come to Zen Center to get people to appreciate me, to compliment me. I did not. I also didn't come to Zen Center to get people to hate me. I came to Zen Center to learn how to treat attackers and supporters basically with the same practice of compassion. I saw that as a possibility actually demonstrated by the teacher of the person who wrote the vow we just recited.

[09:10]

Tolere Zen Master, his teacher Hakuen, showed the example of basically insult, hello, praise, hello. I came to learn that. I thought that was really what I wanted to learn. And I still want to learn that. This is not about controlling me or controlling what you give me. It's about guidance of you and me. So I hear, you know, I'm very sensitive now to hear the word control. In the New Yorker a few issues ago, they had this article about, I think it's called the success schools in New York City, where they're quite successful at getting kind of kids who are from low-income homes, African-American, to get really good test scores and be able to go to college and stuff.

[10:28]

And the subtitle of the article is, How They Control the Children. So they're really good at getting these kids under control, they feel. But the article is kind of questioning about what happens to these kids who get under control and get these good scores. So I was looking for the control and I found that there was an attempt to control the children. Oh, and at the end of the article it said something like that one of the investigators were asking the kids in the school, are you here in school to play? And this kid said, no, I'm here to work. Bodhisattvas are hard workers. They do hard work, like they meet people who are insulting them and teach those people how to play.

[11:39]

Bodhisattvas are doing the hard work of teaching people how to play in this world of suffering, how to relax and guide the situation. But guidance doesn't mean you know where you're going. So I like to have these things going on called route guidance systems in cars. And the route guidance system will now start. And then you're driving and they say, take a left at the next corner. And then if you don't, they don't say, you know, I told you to take a left. You didn't. And now, from now on, I'm going to give you very bad information. I'm very disappointed in you. You know, you're really not a good driver at all. No, it doesn't. You don't turn. And then it says, in 27 yards, make a U-turn.

[12:44]

Take a left at the next corner. It never loses its patience with you. It just keeps trying to guide you to your mysterious destination. Now, I haven't pushed it, you know, maybe eventually it would say, okay, that's it. You know, this is the first time, but now we're actually going to tell you, you cannot keep ignoring this guidance system. This is getting too serious. This is too serious to not, now I have to control you. And again, as I often mention, Suzuki Rishi said, what we're doing is much, much too important to be taken seriously. We're talking about something. We're talking about the liberation of all beings and the peace and harmony among, that's what we're working on here. This is a big deal. This is not something to take too seriously.

[13:47]

And also, especially, you're too important to take seriously. But I also feel like a fool because I'm living in a society which, you know, if somebody says, hey, we'll give you control over here, everybody will say, bye-bye, Reb. I'm going over there. At that center, they offer control. in order to receive the Dharma, I have to let go of trying to control. If I'm still dabbling in trying to control, that energy is closing the door on receiving the Dharma. One of the sacrifices

[14:53]

of receiving and realizing the Dharma of the Buddhas is to give up trying to control. You don't have to give up trying to help people. You don't have to give up caring for people. Matter of fact, if you give up trying to care for people, also you won't be able to receive the Dharma. Yeah, so basically, as I often say, we have to care a lot for everybody and give up trying to control anybody. Yeah. Yeah. So, During the last session I felt like I was being controlled by a couple of people during Soji.

[15:59]

They actually got control of you? No, they tried. Oh, they tried. We ask those people to come to Zen Center and then we say, go try to control Jackie. Give it a try. you know I have this big resistance around it yeah it's one of my I would call downfalls because I'd like to respond to it more calmly more compassionately without being energized but I do feel the surge of energy and I don't know how to play with that energy you mean like not be triggered into reactivity yes yeah Yeah. So what we need is another kind of energy, which is the energy of, okay, now they're going to have temple cleaning. And I think some people are going to come and try to control me. And I've got a lot of energy now to meet them.

[17:00]

And when they come, I'm going to like really meet, I'm going to be so compassionate to them. When they try to disrespectfully try to control me, I'm going to give them a big dose of compassion. Got a lot of energy for that. Sure. Why not? I'm not trying to control you. You were in charge. In charge of cleaning the bathroom and the toilet. I was being honored. Another lady came, and I had done this bathroom for three weeks at the intensive last year every day. And so she came to give me direction as to how to go about cleaning it. How dare she? And I really didn't want to clean it, to be honest. I didn't like that job for some reason. I thought, you know, enough is enough.

[18:02]

And then when she started to give me directions, I just didn't even let her finish. And I said, I know exactly what to do. Thank you very much. And then I felt really bad afterwards. Good. Why do I react that way? Why does this energy... Well, before you say why, you felt bad. I felt bad? Yeah. Bodhisattvas feel bad when they respond that way. So that's good that you're a bodhisattva, you feel bad about responding that way. Rather than somebody coming in, like maybe a brand new student coming in and telling you how to do something you've been doing for ten years, and rather than say, thank you so much, you say, I know how to do it, you don't have to give me any instructions. As a matter of fact, if you do... Yeah, that's what you came to Zen Center to learn is how to respond to situations like that.

[19:14]

Well, if it's the reactive energy, it's often a good idea to leave town. Well, in that case, leave the bathroom and go walk, you know, go walk onto the pool deck or go sit in a zendo before breakfast and just sit there at your seat, wait for them to... And not respond. Well, you didn't respond. You responded with... Well, that was not a good response. Right, but I'm saying when that response comes, get out of there. Don't hurt anybody with it. Take that fire out of the room. Yeah. You don't want to put that on this poor controlling person. Or I should say, this poor control freak who's like terrified that you're not going to clean the bathroom properly. It's going to be a disaster unless they give you instructions. So they got to get you under control. And you don't want to be treated like that.

[20:20]

It's very silly. It's also silly to get triggered, but you did get triggered. Yeah. So there you are triggered. So get out. I would say get out of there. and go someplace where you won't hurt anybody. At Tassajara, during the first forest fire we fought, we had this area near the stone office, which was cordoned off with either yellow tape or red tape. I think it was yellow or red, some bright color like that. I forgot what the... I think the area was called Yellow Line or Red Line. That was the area. And if people got triggered while we were engaging with the fire, you could say, Yellow Line. And they had to go, basically, time out. So if I notice that I am like flaring up with self-righteous — we say righteous indignation, but usually it's self-righteous indignation — if that would flare up in me, I should get away from people.

[21:29]

Or at least get away from the people I feel insulted by or disrespected by. Maybe you run to your teacher and say, I just got self-righteous indignation. And the teacher says, thank you for telling me. It's really good. Here, sit down here for a little while until you calm down. Yeah. We, yeah, we need to have an energy. Every time we meet somebody, we should be ready for insult and praise. We should be ready for whatever. And then when the insult comes, we can go, hello, I've been waiting for you Thank you very much for the instruction about how to run a Zen center. But if you're not practicing it before the people show up and then they start bossing you around and trying to control you, you're caught, as we say, flat-footed.

[22:34]

You know, when you're flat-footed, it's hard to move. Usually it's good to be on one foot or the other and ready to move. So you should be ready all the time to come back with compassion and not wait until you're attacked before you start thinking about how to come back with compassion. So when you get an assignment at this temple, watch out. Because somebody might come and try to get you to do your job differently. Like a lanyard might try to get you to pour the liquid asphalt on the driveway in a different way than you're doing it. Be ready for that. She might try to get you to control the way you're pouring the liquid asphalt. Or somebody else might try to control the way you're painting the cracks. Or somebody else might try to control you on the way you're sweeping the floor.

[23:36]

It could happen right here. And so it's good to be ready, not just to do your job, but to be and you will not be controlled. Nobody will control you, ever. That's not happening. That's not happening. Don't worry about that. But people will try to control you. That will happen. And be ready for it. Be ready to come back with compassion to all the people who are trying to control you. have energy for that. And if by any chance you do not, and you feel this rage coming up that someone would be so disrespectful as to try to control you, which really is disrespectful, it's very disrespectful if I would try to control any of you.

[24:39]

And if I do, please tell me how you feel, and I think you will feel disrespected And I hope after I slipped once when you tell me that I will say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I did not want to, I'm sorry I tried to control you into being my idea of a bodhisattva, my idea of a skillful toilet cleaner. I'm sorry. But if I do not respect the way you're cleaning the toilets, please tell me. Yes? Would you add a little bit to that idea of a time-out, so that the time-out doesn't become a time when I don't control myself? Is it a time to control yourself? I don't want to use the time-out in that way.

[25:43]

No, it's not a time to control yourself. No, it's a time for you to get away from people you might hurt. So like, in the fire example, we have even crew heads would sometimes get too worked up, and they were a danger to everybody in the crew. So anybody in the crew could tell the crew head, take time out. So the person's supposed to go there, and just go be there, and look at themselves, and maybe feel their rage. And actually, in some cases, the person might say, Red line. And the person might say, I don't need to go to red line, I'm okay. I'm not going crazy. You know, you can't do this. Red line. Red line. And then several people, red line. Several people are, okay. And then go there and look at yourself. And then you start to calm down. And then people come over and say, how you doing? And you say, good. I really got worked up. I'm sorry.

[26:44]

Thank you for sending me over here. I really appreciate it. And, you know, whenever you're ready, I'll come back and work with you again. Yeah. A lot of times you're not really behind a wire or a tape, so you go back yourself and say, now I feel like I can be with this person. And if they do that again next time, I think I might be able to say, welcome. You know, unsarcastically, welcome. So you might not say, welcome, great guru. You just might say, welcome, friend. I'm back to work with you. And if you have any instructions, I'll listen to you. But again, when you're doing something you don't even want to do, and you say, here I am cleaning the toilet bowl. I don't really want to do this, but I'm doing it because they assigned me. I'm trying to help out here. And then somebody's not coming and telling me how to do it. That's too much, you know. Okay, yeah, right. It's too much for now. But later, when you get really advanced, you name it and you'll be able to come back with compassion.

[27:48]

That's what I aspire to. I aspire to the situation where I have never been able to be compassionate before. And I want to learn how to do that. Yes? Would you speak Yeah, it's sort of the same thing. That chant just happens to be kind of about the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's the same thing, yeah. It's the same thing. So, here I am, like, Maybe to some of you I've been really nice for many years. I've given you my friendship for many years, and then suddenly you turn on me and say, you are the most abusive teacher I've ever met, and I'm going to tell everybody at Zen Center what a bad teacher you are.

[28:57]

And then you just tell everybody how bad I am, and you hit me and slug me and stuff like that. And rather than get angry at you, I go, oh, here you are to help me, free me from any karma. What kind of karma? The karma of like self-defense. The karma of I'm really a good guy and I believe that and nobody better contradict me. We have thought that in the past, that we were doing something good. Haven't you sometimes thought you were doing something good and believed it? That's karma. And because of that, when people attack you, they give you a chance to let go of that. That what? I'm just here to help. I'm just doing what I thought was helpful. How dare you? How dare you is like your karma coming up again. And they're here to help you. How dare you?

[30:00]

Oh, there it is. Thank you. Drop. Let it go. I've done nothing but give my life to Zen Center and now people are criticizing me. They're criticizing you to help you see if there's any, is there any defensiveness left in you? Oh, there is some. I didn't think I was defensive, but here and up they got it to come out. Here it is, a little squeaky, little tiny defense. You know, just happens to come right now for this thing. Oh, thank you, I see it. I didn't think I would ever be that little defensive guy again. But you helped me find it. Thank you. Yes? Yes? I missed a little bit of that.

[31:11]

I heard about the yellow tape and then what did you say after that? I'm sorry. Say it again louder. What is the flip side if you find yourself thinking you know better than someone else and wanting to control someone else? Is there a yellow tape or red tape? I think when I think... When I think I know better than somebody else, I should yellow tape myself. Like if I think I know better than my granddaughter. Like, again, she does not try to cross the street by herself. She's six, and for several years she has not tried to do that. She's willing to hold my hand. I don't even have to ask her. She reaches up to hold my hand when she walks across the street. But if she said to me, you know, granddaddy, I don't need to do that anymore.

[32:11]

I might think, well, I think you kind of do. I might think that. And she might say, well, I kind of think I don't. But I don't have to think I know better than this little girl. I don't have to think that, but I could. And if I do, I'm temporarily disqualified as a teacher. The bodhisattva says, I don't think this is a good idea, but she does. Those are conversation pieces. Those are something to talk about. One of the prime examples I use is when my daughter was three and a half, she and I were going to be alone for two months. Her mother was going to go to France. It was going to be her and me. And when her mother left for France, she said to me, I think this is a good time for our daughter to stop using her pacifier.

[33:14]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So her mother went off. We went together. to this place called Esalen, and I said to her, your mom said before she left that now is a good time for you to give up your pacifier. And the little girl said to me, and I thought it was a good idea for her to give it up, and the little girl said to me, well, I don't want to give it up, it helps me go to sleep. And I thought, okay, that's reasonable. You know, what do other people do to go to sleep? This is not that bad. So, you know, I didn't think I knew better than her. I listened to her. I said, okay, let's not force this program. I brought it up. I was going to guide her into giving it up. She wasn't wanting to do it. I didn't think she knew better than me.

[34:22]

But she did have another perspective. It helped her go to sleep. It wasn't like, you know, if I don't have my pacifier, I'm just going to commit suicide. No, it was just like, it helped me go to sleep. Okay, so, one day I came home, somebody else was babysitting, I came back to the place where we were staying, and she was beside herself because she had bit through her pacifier. It was a disaster. And she said, give me another pacifier. We only had one. Give me another pacifier. We're at Esalen Institute, which is a long ways from any grocery stores. I said, you know, it's the middle of the night. It's a 50-mile round trip. You know, she's three and a half. She can understand this. You know, you'll be asleep long before we get to the store.

[35:23]

I can't go tonight. But if you remind me tomorrow morning, I will get you a pacifier. And she forgot to remind me, and I forgot. And then nighttime came, and she said, well, where's my pacifier? I said, I'm not going to go in the middle of the night. Remind me tomorrow. And I would sincerely have arranged to get one, but she didn't remind me, and I actually forgot. It wasn't like, I wish she doesn't remind me. I actually forgot. I needed her to remind me, and she forgot, I forgot, and then it was nighttime again, and she forgot to ask for her pacifier. I didn't control her into it. She didn't control me. She didn't control me. I didn't control me. We had a conversation. And so that was a great thing between us, that conversation we had. And she got past needing a pacifier. Well, she was about ready. Usually she actually fell asleep before she even asked for it at that point.

[36:28]

She was three and a half. and able to say, it helped me go to sleep, I don't want to, you know. So she was already a pretty big girl. She knew a lot of things. But she's also a little girl. And so she got upset when it got broken, but she was okay. She could go to sleep without it. So I didn't control her. She didn't control me. We worked it out. This path of the Buddha way is a conversation. It's not Buddha in charge. It's not the teacher in charge. It's not the student in charge. It's a conversation. The two sides are different. Father's different than daughter, but the conversation — the father doesn't own the conversation. The father does not know better than the daughter. He knows differently. But she knows differently. Each of us has this thing, a perspective to offer.

[37:31]

And the perspectives are suffering if we attach to them. And we do attach to them, so we suffer. The peace and freedom is not not having perspectives. It's the conversation is the freedom. Neither of us own the conversation. But in the conversation, that's where the freedom is. That is freedom. Unless somebody's having a conversation where they're really not having a conversation, they're trying to control it. But you can guide a conversation, like you can say, could we talk more quietly? Could you speak a little bit more gently to me? You can ask that in a generous, guiding way. And the person can scream back, no, I cannot. And you can say, wow, okay, I hear you cannot talk more quietly, but did you hear me ask?

[38:32]

No, I didn't. May I ask again? What do you want to ask? I want to ask you to talk to me more tenderly, more gently. Would you consider that? I'll think about it, etc. On and on, the conversation, the face-to-face transmission is where we guide each other and where we're guided by each other, where we help each other. We cannot find the middle way, I cannot find the middle way in my own consciousness. But when my consciousness allows me to have conversation, a genuine, wholehearted conversation with the other, and the other with me, in that conversation we find the Buddha activity. But again, in our little world we're afraid of what would happen if we actually open to the other and like allowed ourselves to think that it's possible that a child, although they have a different view from us, it's not inferior.

[39:50]

It's just a view that we're having a conversation with. It's not better that children's view is not better than adult view. It's just that when you have a child and an adult, you have these two views. And both people are at risk of adhering to their view, which is misery and the source of violence and fear. But if you can take care of your fear, if the adult can take care of their fear and transmit how to take care of the fear to the child, then both the adult and the child can open to the possibility of the other and a conversation with the other, which means open to the possibility of what we really are. What I really am is a self, and I'm also others, and I'm the conversation between the two.

[40:51]

But in my fear, but I may be afraid, what would happen to me if I actually opened to the other? You know, what would happen? So again, that's a perfectly good question. They might abuse me. It's possible. if I deal with my fear, then I can open even though they might abuse me. And then in this situation where they might abuse me and I might abuse them, which might be worse, we can have a conversation. Even though at any moment the other might abuse me or I might abuse the other. They might abuse their power, I might abuse mine. That's a constant possibility. if I take care of my fear of that, it's possible to have a conversation where the power, the power of our relationship is alive and well in the conversation.

[42:03]

And nobody's getting hurt and everybody's waking up to who we are. Okay? Is this easy? No. Is it easy to face our fear of others? No. Is it possible? We have a hundred million stories of people who are able to open to others and have conversations and wake up together. That's our tradition, is that people did take care of their fear enough to open to a conversation with somebody else. And sometimes the person who they're conversing with has not yet taken care of their fear enough to open back. But the one who is open to their fear and takes care of their fear just keeps transmitting how to do that until the other side dares to open. And then we have the stories of success. I keep hearing you, when you use the word conversation, you're speaking about a space of no perception.

[43:16]

No. It's not that there's no perception, it's that beings who are having perceptions are conversing with beings who are having confessions. The conversation isn't a perception. It's not a perception. No, it's not a perception. Like a baseball game is not a perception. You can have a perception of a baseball game like I can be on one team and I have a perception of the game. You're on the other team having a perception of the game but the game is not a perception. The game is what we're doing together. So the conversation is what we're doing together and we have perceptions of it. Or dancing, like I could have a perception that I'm doing a tango with you. You could have a perception that you're doing a tango with me. Our perceptions aren't the tango. But we're tangoing. And the tango is our freedom from our perceptions. And I could also think, I'm dancing well, and you are too. Or I'm not dancing well, and you're dancing well.

[44:17]

Those are my perceptions. But I could still dance with you even though I have these perceptions. The dance, the conversation, is not... My perceptions are mine. Your perceptions are not mine. My perceptions are not yours. And that's part of the deal. Sorry, we have our own perceptions, not other people's. But people who have different perceptions can meet and converse, and the conversation transcends our perceptions. Our problems come from adhering to our perceptions as reality. The conversation is the way we become free of it. But we have to be kind to them in order to dare to open to the conversation. Because we're naturally afraid all the time. Because we're trapped in self-centered land. Yeah. Yeah. When the feelings are intense, when the fear is intense, the hurt is intense, what are you recommending in terms of... You said deal with it, but... I'm recommending the same thing as when the fear is not intense.

[45:29]

When the fear is not intense, when the pain is not intense, what I recommend is that that pain, that fear... I'm not recommending, I'm saying that pain and fear is calling for compassion. Little tiny aim calling for compassion. Little fear calling for compassion. Huge pain calling for compassion. Huge fear calling for compassion. Is, for many people, is being compassionate to little pain more accessible than compassion to huge pain? I would say usually yes. Some people, however, are really good on big pain and not good on little pain. Like, you know, I give them a huge pain, they go, okay. Then I give them a little pain, they say, I don't need this. But usually when people like, you know, if you like break their leg, they don't usually say, I don't need this. But if you root to them on the telephone, they say, I don't need this. So some people are good at big ones, little ones, the same practice of generosity, of gentleness, of tenderness with whatever.

[46:41]

But as I, again, I often use the example, I had a hernia operation about 15 years ago. When I came out of the operation, they said, are you in pain? And I said, no. I said, we're going to give you some pain medication for when this anesthetic wears off. But we're going to wait until you feel pain before we give it to you to see if it works. So I was laying there and watching the anesthetic. What do you see? and I could feel something coming, I could feel this thing coming. It wasn't a pain I was used to. It was kind of a new pain was coming. But I had this sense that what I was feeling was, if you use the expression, a harbinger, a little messenger of what was coming. I had a sense that I was feeling the tip of an iceberg.

[47:42]

Because it was like, you know, I'd never touched an iceberg of pain before. Anyway, I could feel it coming, and I could feel it growing. And I sensed by the contours of it that it could get really big. And I was, you know, okay, here it comes. Well, okay, you can come and give me the medication. We can try it out. I'll come and bring it. But nobody was around. And I didn't feel that getting up and running around. So I was lying there watching it come. And I was watching to see if I could be compassionate to it, if I could be in the present moment with it, in other words, be patient with it. I was relaxed, okay? Could I continue to be relaxed? And I noticed, I'm starting to tense up. And it's growing. And I'm still not yelling for help, but I'm getting close to it pretty soon. I think I might start coughing. Hello. I didn't, I was ready, but if it had gone on and on and on, I might have not just said hello.

[48:53]

I might have said something even more loud than that. Who knows? But I was having an easy time handling the tip. And then it would go down a little bit. Okay. Still relaxed. Oh, now here comes the tension. Okay. Now it's getting hard to relax. And right about the time when I was about to start calling out, they came in and they gave me the medication. However, the medication doesn't take effect right away. So it grew some more. And some more. And then the medication came and it started to calm down. So part of it is, this pain is too big for me. I must admit, I'm not able to be patient with it. I'm not that patient. And I accept. I've just reached the limit of my patience.

[49:56]

And again, then I would say, excuse me, folks, I'm very embarrassed to say, but guess what just happened to me? I just reached the edge of my patience, so please excuse me. I need to take a little. Siesta. See you later. I'll be back after I recover from this thing. Or, you know, whatever. I'm starting to tense up. And this isn't good. So please, please forgive me. Or please help me relax. This pain is getting too tense. Or this insult is getting too intense. So this isn't... Part of Zen is to learn how to do this. It's to learn... It's hard... It's hard to learn patience without pain and difficulty. And without patience, you're not in the Buddha way. So Buddhas have gone through a lot of difficulty. Physical pain, emotional pain, insult, whatever.

[51:00]

And to learn how to be patient with the little and the medium and the big insults and pain, this is part of our practice. And also part of our practice is to say, this pain is too advanced for me, which means I can't relax with this one. I'm going to go do a smaller pain that I can relax with, and I'll come back later and work on the big one when I'm ready. Okay? Okay? Everybody ready for the heroic journey? Thank you so much for a wonderful... Yes? You wanted to show us... Oh, yes. I wanted to show you something on the Internet. And I thought I had my iPad, but I don't. But I'll try to describe to you what was shown to me.

[52:01]

It was an email from my dear wife, who had gone to visit her 100-year-old mother. on the other side of the San Francisco Bay. My wife is Chinese, and her mother is really Chinese. And she's 100 years old. She still knows who my wife is, but she's in a very different place than she used to be. She reads the newspaper, but we don't know what she thinks she's reading. Also, she's actually starting to eat the newspaper. She's eating paper. We don't know why, but she's doing that. So anyway, my wife sent me an email, and in the email, the heading of the email was, This picture is not staged.

[53:02]

And so there was a picture of her mother, in bed, reading a book. And on the cover of the book, there were Chinese characters, which she can read. And under the Chinese characters, it said, Warm smiles from cold mountain boy, Rev Anderson. Oh! Oh! Was it right side up? It was right side up. She was looking at it. And we don't know how she got that book. I don't know how she got it. But there she is reading. I haven't asked people to try to find out how my 100-year-old mother-in-law wound up with my book. in Chinese, looking at it in bed. I don't know how that happened, but there she was. She looked kind of like... And I don't think my wife said to her, what are you reading?

[54:09]

Is it about Zen? Or do you know who wrote that? I don't think she said that. I think she just took the picture back. Because it was so amazing. And next time I'll try to bring it and show you this picture. It's like... I looked at it and I thought, I didn't get it at first, just like her reading a book, and I looked, oh, God, that's one's mouth is moving on. So has that book been translated into Chinese? It has. I knew it had been translated, and I've given it to some people, like I gave it to Maggie, who was translating Bing Up right into Chinese. And, yeah. But I said, I don't think I gave it to her, but maybe I did. Or, I don't know, maybe it got bought by the library or the place she was staying, and somebody just gave it to her. I don't know how she got it. And I think I will try to find out how she got it. But she got it in her hands, and she was looking at it, and she got photographed.

[55:14]

And, yeah. It's just amazing. This is an amazing world, in case you haven't noticed. A lot of things happen which just are really like beyond what we ever could imagine. Beyond control. Beyond control. I definitely didn't control that. And it gets to my wife said, this was not staged. She didn't put that in my mother-in-law's hands. I don't know who did, I don't know where she got it, because she's bedridden. I don't know how that book got into her room, up into her hands, and then she actually held it with her hands and looked at it. I don't know how that happened. Nobody's in control, but amazing things happen. So let's enjoy it before it's over. Okay? Oh, shucks!

[56:02]

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