Fifty Years of Priest Practice

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A virtual Dharma talk by Tenshin Roshi for an online gathering of the No Abode Community.

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equally extend

tomorrow or is on
august ninth
and it's the fiftieth anniversary
i mean becoming ordained as a priest him
so i'm feeling
i'm feeling deeply about these these fifty years of practicing as a as a priest and feeling grateful
the whole tradition and the great song own teachings in the teacher isn't i just feel so grateful
thank you for your support
the practice that's upheld me these fifty years
the joy to see your faces some of your faces i haven't seen for
ah long time so wonderful to see your face again
i'm sad is not in person but
it's great to see your face and say your name again
and to remember
our long history together
some of you i've known for
forty years

so we as as always this morning
ah are calling to each other
and we're listening to each other

we are being called
to listen
to the suffering of the world and to our own suffering to the suffering of others and our own suffering
add we've been called to witness it

we're being called to
oh we are being called to account
we're called to be to account
ah and to accept responsibility
for all our
all our actions a body speech in mind

which may have contributed to the suffering of the world

we are being called to
quietly explore
the farthest reaches of the causes and conditions
of our
and as we chatted a moment ago
quietly explored the farthest reaches of these causes and conditions as this is an exact transmission a verified buddhas
the buddha's have themselves the awakened ones have themselves felt called to
be awake
i've been called to free beings from suffering
and at part of that
part of responding to that call is to examine our own karma
to contemplate it to accept responsibility and to be accountable and to be questioned about our karma
buddha's have done that
and this exploring our own karma our responsibility is a transmission
this practice is a transmission of the borders
so accepting the responsibility of being accountable
is also accepting the responsibility of being awake
exploring the causes and conditions is part of our responsibility for our own actions it is confession and repentance but it is also
the work of awakening and the world is calling us to of with
to awake


since the time of the buddha there has been
the appearance in the world ah
racial injustice
it was racial injustice at the time of the buddha in india
there's raced there was as till his racial injustice in china
racial injustice all over asia
southeast asia
japan and of course in the united states
we have racial injustice
we have what's called white privilege
and the doctrine not the reality the doctrine of white supremacy
and the system of oppression black people
the work of the buddha way is to free
all people
from oppression
so they may dwell in case
three of all people from injustice
two free both the oppressed and the oppressor
from such relationships
so we can dwell in peace

at an order to do that work
we have to accept our responsibility we have to quietly explore the farthest reaches of our responsibility
for white privilege
for racial oppression
for oppression and injustice to minorities

for fifty years are not every day but whenever the community gathered i've been living now your but ever been a priest but i been living in temples
those city centre temple tassajara temple and gringos gentle i've been living there in these temples for fifty years and in the morning
when the community gets up i go and sit with them in silence and stillness
and now i feel called when i'm sitting in silence and stillness i feel called
to confess and repent
to open to confession and repentance when i'm sitting
or standing or walking in silence
sometimes i i say the standard
verse all my ancient twisted karma from beginning less greed hate and delusion born through body speech and mind i now fully a vow
if i'm in the gender i don't say it out loud i think it
that's it that's a general
are you kind of universal formula

but it opens the door
sometimes nothing much comes sometimes something huge comes
sometimes nothing in particular comes sometimes something particular comes

this is the work just as part of the work of
sitting in silence and stillness is to open the door
to contemplate the pain of the world and also to open to our responsibility for it
and if we see the responsibility to confess it
and repented
and confessing our responsibility
is also accepting responsibility for being awake

some black people have told us told me that they want us to wake up a want us to wake up to our karma
they want us to wake up
so that we will become harmless and beneficial to all beings
and this is hard work but we can do it by supporting each other to do it
and when we do it
andrews specific about it
we will be forgiven and liberated

one time someone told me
about something that someone on said about me
about have someone felt that i was being self serving and
mark sorry
and ah this the person who i who supposedly said those things about me was somehow i really cared for and respected
so i really felt bad but i i also was
wanting to forgive her however i couldn't forgive her
because he was hearsay
i'm hot i needed to hear from her that she said that and if she if she had set if she could say that to me then i really felt i would be perfectly
hmm perfectly glad to forgive her
one time also up i during the hot during the time when there was a great deal of truth and reconciliation being practiced in south africa i heard on the radio
a man from south africa saying that he actually met
a person a white person who tortured him
and that are
that man
it confessed and repented to him and apologized for what he did
and the interviewer said to the man do you think he should have amnesty
and the man said totally
an the said but he tortured you and he said yes he did but he told the truth and he said he was sorry and i totally want him to be forgiven
but we need to be specific
we need to be
ah it needs to be an exact communication and we need to help each other be exact in our communication
we need to become more and more skillful at saying i'm sorry

elton john made this made had a song called sorry is the hardest word to say

and some of you have heard the story that maybe thirty or forty years ago i was talking to someone
and i felt my heart was a close to the person
i felt some deadness in my heart
and i i had to i felt like had to confess something
something i had some responsibility for the deadness
in my heart and the deadness in the space between us

so i said
i love you
and at and and and she said
i hear you but i hope you don't say that to someone who's not able to hear it and deal with it
and i said thank you
when i said i love you my heart open somewhat and was cleared but it wasn't yet completely clear
until she made her comment and then i could say thank you i love you and thank you and still wasn't completely clear
and then i said i'm sorry
and that clearly i opened my heart all the way
so some people said some way to say i love black people
but we also need to say thank you and also need to say i'm sorry
and then we need to be ready to be
examined we need to examine ourselves and let others examiners what are we sorry about
in what way are we
exactly business specifically
and again this is a practice which is good to do on a daily basis not just once in a while not just want something special happens so in in buddhist temples all of the world
where there were there has been for two thousand years
racial injustice the practitioners every day confess and repent
every day they opened the conduit
and again some days maybe not much comes through
but if if we don't keep the conduit open one is needed
it may not be there so we need to keep it open on a regular basis if we wanna do this work if you want a free
all beings
injustice we have to do the practice of quietly
our history
how come
our past and are present
as a regular practice
in silence and in conversation
and to be quiet and still
as we make the confession
as we say we're sorry

also i wanted to share with you soon
if you use the expression news
a green gulch we had for me anyway the sad situation of not being able to sit together for five months
nobody was nobody was going to sit in our sandow are lovely bring out also at know abode for five months we've had nobody sitting in our zendo except me
unless somebody else snuck in there when i wasn't looking
but a bottle a week or two ago at green gulch we started to re enter the zendo i'm happy to report so we're sitting in the zendo again at green gulch
but not as many people as usual because we have to be far apart from each other and we have all the doors and windows open so it's nice and cool and this time of year is it's not too cold
and we wear masks but we are back in the zendo together sitting at green gulch
which she urged its for me it's yards it's it's wonderful
also we are exploring the possibility of having as a one day sitting at know about
and we were trying to figure out how we can do that
we're thinking of doing it outdoors so on the decks around the temple
so we might be able to have a one day sitting and add know about
on the labor day weekend on the saturday of the labour day weekend if we can figure out the logistics and hard to make it safe we will send out an announcement and give it a try
one complication for me though is that if i do a one day sitting at know abode ah because people will be coming from
around the area i will have to do two weeks quarantine when i go back to green gulch but i'm i'm willing to do that
so i can sit with some of you had no abode
and so that's that's the newest from know about
is there anything you'd like to discuss
the scott can you hear me
i can scott lowe okay got long i can hear you i just want to earn a to remind everyone that we do include brown people in that list of people who who are subject to to racial injustice
beside to his work
thank you want to quit wrong people so shall we say people of color yes michelle ye shall we shall we also say palms ah
that which i shall we also mention that from the time of the buddha
there has been on oppression of women
that women have been have hadn't however
and treated unjustly such a time of buddha in india and it seems to me still going on in india that women's rights are
not really
i know some amazing stories about how unjust
when ah unjustly women are treated in india
a same in china and japan and the u s
so it's also
women i've been treated unjustly
and people who i am unusual sexual orientations are treated unjustly in india china japan and in the west also and people who look different
like people who are
i have unusually shaped bodies and who are disabled they are also treated unjustly
and we have responsibility for all these injustices and all of these injustices
our to be contemplated
and contemplating all this injustice is the work of the buddha's
is the exact transmission of awakening

we're being called to do this work right
do you feel called to do this work

yes so people could if you wanna participate got acquainted with a and i thought it and you should see a place to raise your hand

okay katie d on

hey ram
there's katie hi katie
first the by i just wanted to say it's really wonderful to be with you on and the eve of this really important anniversary for you and for all of that so
he just wanted to take a moment to honor that an on-air ah the the guess that that long deep practice has brought to so many people
thank you
it's a gift from it's a gift from suzuki roshi
he or gave me
and now
and he gave me a name to
which was a great to has been a great teaching for me
and the you in turn has given us names that are the teachings for so i i feel the power of that lineage
a great yeah and they all wanted to offer and appreciation of the story you shared about and the moment that you're hurt was closed and an interaction with someone and how certain kinds of speech
gradually opened dead

sorry can you hear me now yeah i was offering an appreciation of the start i heard everything you said okay and
and how what finally opened it was saying i'm sorry and adjust i thought that there is so much truth for me personally in that story and my own experience of how that last sort of letting go is what can really open the
art and so i just wanted to appreciate that and and then also say that there is a part of when you are talking when i noticed and i started to feel really nervous and and my heart rate increase
the am i think part of what made me nervous was the connection
that was may be implied i'm not sure if it was explicit between the apologizing and the being forgiven and sharing the story of
the person you had heard speaking about his relationship with his torture in south africa and i feel like part of what makes me nervous is just it seems to me really important that the act of apologizing isn't
attached to an outcome around an expectation of being forgiven and i think it's also important that i was speaking for myself as a white person with white privilege that i i don't have am i don't have the right to demand
beyond a certain kind of response from someone i've harmed and really it's up to the people that are hard to choose how they want to relate to me going forward and that it would be totally natural and healthy even to have certain protective barriers
i'm in the absence of trust and in the absence of me being able to demonstrate that i can act in a more non harming way and so am i just felt like that was important to say and i think it's really the in buddhism i am
found that in certain strains there's a real kind of am
here's a real prop problem tithing of anger and i think that that has really been very harmful to to many am certainly women in the tradition who have felt angry about the patriarchy in in to the structures and in the west and so i can only imagine
ajahn on that what it might feel like to be told as a person of color like not to be have to be angry to have to forgive and i just want to make sure that we're embodying that that is not a requirement or an expectation around any apologize
saying that we're doing and that that who we have harmed is really in choice around how they respond and so i wanted to know if he wanted to talk a little bit more about apologizing and forgiveness and how they might be coupled are completely not coupled
i appreciate what you said can i also
i think that ah forgiveness is more than somebody saying i forgive you
forgiveness it could be ah forgiveness could be that you say your you apologize
and you are liberated
and nobody says anything to you
the forgiveness could be the your body and mind are completely liberated by accepting responsibility for what your body and mind have done
what live what forgiveness looks like you know sometimes people say
do you have forgiveness and buddha's they don't hear the word so much what we hear in buddhism is liberation
so ah and liberation isn't what you think is gonna look like
we talk about his awakening so forgiveness is really awakening an awakening is forgiveness but you can't we can't awaken
we thought without accepting responsibility for our karma
and we can't be forgiven unless we do so forgiveness very definitely does not look like what you might think it does and if you're if you're looking
for a certain type of forgiveness that is another type of karma to be responsible for
oh i see i was trying to
make forgiveness be that when i was trying to make the freedom from ah from my problems look this way
part of the
no part of the joy is that liberation doesn't look like what you thought it would and
right when right when you or was right when you're in a situation in which you never thought would be liberation that's where you find it and right when you're in situation that doesn't seem like forgiveness your eyes on this is forgiveness now when i thought it would be i thought forgive us to be that i never thought it would
look like this
but sure enough this is what it looks like and this and is happening but how it looks isn't it either raven free from howard looks so appreciate you bringing it up
and ah yeah
you know partner forgiveness might be all good now i have a times of work to do that i didn't know i had before thank you
hot cards out for you katie that's very helpful and a yeah i really appreciate that

and i think i think got home was next

ah as you were speaking bar injustice
a big wave of pain literally pain just took over my whole whole body
and then as you talked about the city and know about
beings of collars
my mind does not go in the colors my mind goes in pain my mind goals a lack intolerance
so i would love to make an invitation for all who show up in know about
who lack in tolerance
like tolerance this lackey intolerance lacking and tolerance yes learned quite lacking in lacking in patients lacking impatient lacking intolerance i have experience within my own stuff every time
time i lack patience i lack tolerance my mine hops into all kinds of imaginations all kinds of perceptions what is what is not
and every time i'm still i am in my mind and body
has no connor
so i i wish to be more in our bodies
so my question is
why why
why does my mind why does why do we keep happening
did you say why do we keep talking ha ha getting are jumping are going out
why why why why all these perceptions separations

that's your question yeah why
do you feel responsibility to take care of that question
i want to say yes but then i feel my limited i feel limited
i feel limited and i i must be unlimited boundless to take that responsibility be limited i don't know how to

so i'm calling you now
and i think all beings are calling you now
to accept responsibility
for your love being limited
if you can accept responsibility used in she sang know by the way know i say yes i can see it when you're clear so euch i'm call you to accept responsibility for being limited that's that's a job which i request you take
take care of the job of being limited if you accept the responsibility for being limited that will free all beings
the pain that you feel
from being limited and the pain you feel from the and the pain of not being patient with your limitedness
we all have this is part of our work that were being called to do
thank you welcome

linda linda h
hey island
i tried to write my real name there but it didn't let me but i'm thank you for recognizing that i'm linda age on
ha as i got ready to answer to ask my question see there was a meaningful slipped ah
i kept alternating between however since i'd known you i always wanted to ask you for help and then and i still do i'm always in an inwardly asking that but often when you talk i have the idea that i'm going to give you some help
where some advice senate's or some suggestion and that's it that would just did come up today
katie started that the topic that i would like to just add something to 'em you know when you talk about
the process of
an apology and forgiveness is different from one would just sitting up in the zendo it's like two people were more than two but at least two people having this exchange
so on as katie said
we can't expect the other person to for us and then you gave a good response to that
but also people who have been really thinking about this lately
and that have been helping me understand it have said sir apologizing isn't enough you know
doing something
changing making amends
do it really
enacting the your apology is it utterly essential otherwise it's
it's just too easy to apologize i know you don't mean in easy apology but people can easily be deluded about that
oh london i guess i guess that's it also i wanted to recommend a couple of beautiful films one is called forgiveness and one is called one is about the truth and reconciliation commission from south africa that which is just so profound and illuminating about this process
oh i don't know fiber question just saying thank you for he said i think he fell
if we apologize maybe somebody will give us some further instruction
and then i n and maybe the maybe forgiveness will take the form of oh thank you for your apology now do this that may be with the to forgiveness looks like remember they won't say thank you that message okay then do that so then we know we can listen to that and be response
the let that be our accounting what what they say
yeah so
forgiveness might not again looked like what we think it was gonna look like it might be further work to do


hello rob
enrique can you hear me yes okay
thank you for bringing up the subject or racial injustice and i felt it was
ah you're connecting it to i'll
what we chanted at the beginning was also ah
very helpful to me and come re-framing
the issue of the problem of racial injustice with something that ben
i've been wrestling with for all my life and idea
i see it in a somewhat different way now you're not been chanting this chap for several years since i've been practicing almost ten years now and this is the first time i'm relating it to the problem
my lifelong problem with racial injustice
i think i shared with you two years ago an incident that happened in our sanga that touched off our own within the sanga on reexamination of
injustice within the sanga prejudice within the song for an encounter between two people black or send them
oh i'm not sure what the color of the other person wild dates from this story i covered it sounded to me like they were white and the black person thought
on welcome
and shunt
ah i think the closest other person in
chose not to sit next to them
and am
i'm thinking about the ad incident and now
it was this what i understood it the harm was this feeling like
you're not welcome this person did not feel welcome did not have a hard and the zendo with us and the sanga
and i i think part of this our question for me as the importance that people have to feel welcome to feel they have a place to feel they have a home
and then what came up waves and something i was mini to ask you and i guess that this would be my question you i wonder what you mean by know abode
and i understand it's the name of your temple and outrider to have an just wondering what you mean by know about me it relates very much too
add the of home for belonging or not belonging
but i'm i'm curious about that and
pure what you have to say thank you
i'm a kind of up but word
a statement which i read not too long ago written by
a a person who represents was called critical theory or
the intellectual process of of criticism on this person said
the highest level something like the highest level of moral development is to not feel at home even when you're at home

isn't that kind of startling statement
so that the term know about comes from the diamond sutra
then there's a section of the diamond sutra riches
a big highlight in the history of the zen tradition
which is that in section ten see of the diamond sutra it says that a bodhisattva
a being whose who on the path of buddhahood for the welfare of all beings a bodhisattva should give rise should generate a mind which basically does not abide in anything
does not abide and colors sounds smells tastes touch or whatever
that in order to do the work we need to not be we need to not abide in anything

including our own home doesn't mean we have to move out of our house it just means i guess we have to
be accountable for our house we have do we are being called to look at the causes and conditions of of us having a house
of having maybe a nice house
and considering how may be having a nice house has something is what is a privilege that that a white a white person has in relationship to be white
and some other even though you gather how are you not entirely comfortable being there because some people don't have a house
and you're not really that comfortable with this that somebody doesn't have their house
are you can move onto your house and move into a not a house that's not a nice but even there you're still accountable
and if you don't have a house at all that will doubt that that still ah still year
you have the privilege of being aware that
other people don't have a house and you and you're not comfortable with that it's a privilege to be uncomfortable with some people not having a home that's a privilege
we everybody should have everybody should have the privilege of being uncomfortable that anybody doesn't have a home it's a privilege as a privilege or on the path of buddhahood is that we can feel pain when any
body doesn't have a home
but i don't feel pain when people don't abide in their home damn happy when people don't abide in their home their car
their fame their wealth i'm done because they're on the path of buddhahood when they are dwelling in their good fortune
of course dwelling in bad fortune isn't good either
so we don't dwell on good fortune we don't dwell on bad fortune or do we do
we quietly explore the farthest reaches of the causes and conditions of where we are right now this is the path of buddhahood

and that story when when the when one apart when this person called the sixth ancestor when he heard that section of the sutra that was his first awakening
from his causes and conditions when he heard about a mind it doesn't abide but once again
not abiding in the causes and conditions of our life for example white privilege not abiding in that comes by thorough examination of it
by being
an ongoing work and project
project work in progress of being responsible for the causes and conditions of our good fortune

becky iran iraq and thank you for your question
scott law yes yes scott
just why i didn't weren't by saving i've been your student for thirty five years actually and and i just won't take this opportunity to enter a hundred and will be left
situation where is i was watching that you know
oh valley deeply grateful i am for new when my life him and a and your guidance and inspiration a t shirt to man and the name you gave me which inspires me every day that i practice and so it is water is one too
acknowledge how much you mean to me and how much zen center means to me since they've thank you so much
i'm deeply touched
the feeling is mutual
click go
let's see
next is bruce
i don't know him questioning okay hi bruce our parents gonna see you
look for to being a know about again amisom
no for coming
if you complete
ah if yorker yeah and you're okay for thanks thanks for your face okay okay what was going to see you
and i think next was paula
hi rob
hi paula
nice to see you and congratulations on your anniversary are you in chicago and in chicago yeah
i wanted and i
i have a lot of ideas bouncing through my head around the question i have when i think it has a lot to do with
what we're talking about now a enacting certain things in the world
our our practice has repentance
and contemplation
how do we know
in and i feel like doctrine and talking is somehow this is my opinion the way we practice zen in america
contemplation doctrine and talking has gotten gotten very closely entwined with each other
and i feel sometimes where we're losing embodiment of the practice
how as students in disciples can we tell if where
does somebody
in our practice and getting lost in conceptual ah tail chasing
i sometimes feel that
if we were better it embodied in our practice it would be easier for us to then move into the world and manifest these concepts and these feelings we have very strongly but yet we we seem to be a
on april
to have them come to fruition in any practical way
if i could get more just pragmatic about that was just an everyday example but but he really encompasses larger concepts or head okay well you know i do martial arts
side you can fill council falafel comes from bodhidharma from damo and and one of the underlying tenants is that we don't want to get lost in concepts we don't wanna get lost in words we want to experience the practice
when you're doing a very physical practice it's very easy to just experience the practice because it's very dynamic
so the way we practice kung-fu in the west is we sometimes forget about the zen part of it the contemplation and the doctrinal part of it so my my coming as then is to get that part in into see how they compliment each other
i i feel that from doing martial arts
that myself personally and the people that tend to be and my close community aren't as confused about a racial interactions
and our place in them and how to interact
but yet at the same time would i found is that we lack
the compassion and the aspirations they are words and ideas sometimes lens with a practice
so i've tried to institute more discussion and talking because i learned from then how much it inspires people and it it really opens their imaginations to the possibilities of the world of what could happen
so i wanted to ask you because of your experience
the boat
do you do you look for things when you could tell it's kind of getting out of whack or
do you make suggestions now i know you just talked about no boats so that's kind of the answer i know
but i wanted to see if you have a more direct sense or explanation of how we can tell if we're keeping our practice and balance
a i think
you know

i think that buddhist practice has on
it has kind of a theoretical and practical side
the practical side for example is to like sit down and be quiet and still that's a physical practice
but that that practice can can or or may not be integrated with a teaching
and we need to have both the theoretical and practical
so ah
someone may be talking to me about some theoretical issue some teaching
and i might say to them how do you feel right now
and they might not be able to
to respond
so then they can see that although they're discussing this theory they're not actually able to embody it
or on again one of the stories that to
i was struck by in my early reading about zan was a zen monk who had trained for a number of years and was sort of finished his training with his teacher he went back to visit his teacher and i was a rainy night and he can
mm to see his teacher in a teachers said which side of the entryway did you put your raincoat and which side did you put your shoes and he didn't know
so he realized he his practice was not embodied at the time he entered the temple and then he stayed in study with the teacher six more years
so with with the help of others people can sometimes ask us
questions which may make us look to see if we're actually embodying the teachings of mindfulness and compassion
so we do need each other because sometimes we might think we've we've embodied the practice for example
there's a theory that we should
confess and repent on a regular basis
there's a theory and that that practice is part of the practice of awakening that the buddhists have done the buddha's have confessed and repent that to teach him
we need to do it with our body in our thought in our minds so we need to do it by by for example by bowing
and by saying and by thinking body speech and mind and we can be doing that and we could notice in ourselves that we're not really there are someone else could say did you notice the way you just bowed
did you notice
what you just said and when and they may they may sense that we didn't that we weren't there as we spoke that we weren't there as we bowed that we weren't there as we opened the door
so yeah
yeah so we we not only practice confession and repentance without only quietly explored but we explore with others and we get feedback and we we learn a more and more thorough embodiment
so in so-called soto zen we have this basic a principle of silence and stillness
but the way we embody the principle of silence and stillness is by speaking
and by moving
and then the question is is my speech embodying silence right now i'd these words in body in silence is their silence in my words
is my mom my movements embodying stillness
this is an ongoing contemplation and integration of teachings and physical verbal and physical postures and thoughts
and when you said how can you tell if it's almost like sometimes when people see how can you tell it's almost like how can you be sure i don't know about being sure we do get feedback if we tell other people i'm trying to do this form
to express compassion and i and i ask for your feedback
i wish to practice peace in the world and i practiced martial arts as a way to embody that wish and so i am i'm by you fellow martial artists
as i practiced martial arts please asked me if my martial arts practice seems to be in body is
thank you very much thank you paula
and next was
oh me oh you
are you
are you still hear meal you a meal and is a familiar me oh you oh okay that's your next meal
i didn't know you go away
maybe you left so okay camille
i can to see him i did you see your
mr brooklyn
east post i don't have a question on many more of an observation if that's okay just make observations are welcome not particular profound either but en yes thank you for your top and on sister
swiveling being in the world and know in a black body
i'm in a world where there is definitely
anti blackness which is sort of ingrained in foundation of our country eyes it's what brought me a practice
a great deal of kidding me
ah is what brought me to practice on and down
ah yeah it's interesting
on thing on this path
and i when i said those four hours i didn't know about the gates were i put i set them and know i think i more they are
and they seem connected to the delusions part delusions are inexhaustible dominates her boundless and the dummy gates are boundless and the delusions are inexhaustible and on it's great to until his dharma gates it's like on the other side it's it's an african really engage with that
and stick with it is it's great
but they are boundless and on and they didn't come with i pay
yeah so
for some reason i i stick with the pain i don't know why but i to harm
and on you study it
yeah it's painful though to see like that he has credit these in order to survive something that that would otherwise crushed you into it served of a function you know perfectly
flight and server of a particular reason for the the selfie accreted but i'm just trashed be look at it is it was quite painful to see that it wasn't helps constructed and on
you know so it's painful work
oh on the other say there is love you know but it's just the fact that a hoof it is boundless it certainly say okay because it was happening i did have some traumas come up our emerge allah
our racial traumas thomas re-emerge and i had been working with them and on working isn't just sitting with them and i wasn't very easy to do ah
i was surprising how painful it was ah
but it's like to take to cease i do see something wrong
image a try to avoid talking like those books on
you see through the delusions of things and i think them itself as is quite rewarding
to see the truth
and part of the truth is to realize are not separate
it just really realize that not a deep in your body
yeah but on
but you know an open heart is a broken heart broken herzl heart so
i know this will probably happen again i don't know right now i can find but and i feel the spray connection and done and i'm happy for the insights but it might happen again
and then just sit with that book are probably the same thing and trying to avoid sitting with it will eventually do just that a heartache of it is tremendous
and there's no avoiding it
but some way a good
and i just i just wanna listen up to see you and readings for brooklyn and philosophy again in person
there will be great thank you so much

ah see yuki
good morning
good morning
i i have been thinking and even talking about on for me and language there's a difference between saying i am responsible for something think which to me means that i am actually a part of the causation
and saying i'm responsible to something which implies to me a little more like whatever the conversation i'm responsible for dealing with the consequences as inherited
you know and i think that when we talk about racism where the patriarchy you know where the causation it's so vast
the you know personal responsibility and is tied up in the air but not blame and i just i wish you people talk about that a little more
because it easy to blame and get angry either me sell her would you know someone and that things really unhelpful
thank you i i would say i feel responsible but i don't feel ah
i don't feel that i'm to blame i mean i may feel blamed people i may pick people may blame me but i don't see much feel blame i feel responsibility
i i contribute to everything and but i'm not in control but i still responsible
so i would say responsible for
with our blame i am responsible to in other words i have some response to offer and i'm responsible with get another people are in the responsibility with me
those three prepositions all seem to be had their use in contemplating the causes and conditions of awakening
the causes and conditions of causation of karma are suffering

tote sometimes for me when the yeah when the situation is so vast i feel you know i can i can respond to what's in front of me i can respond to what i see but it's so much bigger than my individual
vision or ability
yeah well i think that
part of our individual responsibility is to deal with limited individual
ah actions
an individual feelings of pain an individual feelings of broken heartedness
i'm working with those we opened to the vastness of decolonization the vastness of awakens
but we can't open to the vastness of causation unless we're willing to intimately and thoroughly deal with the particularity of it that are coming up in our own body
an opening the door and saying okay
welcome particularity and sometimes you don't see one for a while you just keep welcoming and then they come and they might come in the form of being blamed
yeah being blamed my break your heart and see someone else blame themselves or be blamed my break your heart and the nigeria that's your opportunity your broken heart
to see if you can really open to that and be stuck quiet without and explore that and study that that will open to the
of awakening

okay thank you
and schulman

your mutant your muted and okay night not have needed hockey i'm i'm trying to condense lie into something made off on i've been caretaking for my dad who's nine
andy and he's got a lot of trauma and he's at now acting it on the people around him
they have their night he was sleeping in the stairwell with two bags packed screaming about blood and violence and he's violent to tell everybody really and he's internalized a lot of shame and hasn't looked at it so it's pretty terrific and this i say this because this
this the ground that i come at his work from because there's lots of care in my heart for this this issue and the more i read about the systemic cruelties just the details of like you say that details of how things have worked the kinds of cruelty the kinds of cool
close farted othering that has gone on for years and years
in the blindness to turning to turning back to like a person being sold or anything like that that's large ah
it's so vital it's so vital like a laser to me that this not turning away like the zen practice of not turning away not using privilege to turn away from the detail
sales of how this drama is unfolding is real concentration and on the not defensiveness with allowing trauma to arise because for my heart i know from my body that i feel at times like i don't
the law
as i don't belong it's because i'm carrying the way of not belonging that was delivered to me from some other place in i'm not even in trauma and so my imagination allows me to understand a little bit of habits how this trauma thing why
works and so as a white person all i can say is not looking away from race right now
and not being defensive about allowing other people to be angry and my face to be raging in my face and to allow my heart to be seen for a loving
i think that's what's been called for it's it's not like an apology it's a presence of of feeling somebody else's shoes
ah apology the topology of the apology that we're talking about the repentance we're talking about is to help us be more present

just like i've been there story ah i wasn't completely present in my meeting until i added to thank you thank you helps us be present to
thank you helps us be present i love you helps us to be present yeah and i'm sorry helps us be more present all these things are basically to be present and then if we're really present endless embodied by continuing that practice


iran i just done
i really liked that a quote that she mentioned about em
i've wanted you could say it again and and she said it about
i think it to paraphrase one of the highest moral practices is
being in your home can you sit am
is it's by amending our door adorno and am
it is i think
the highest state of moral development is to not feel at home
even when you're at home
thank you it and it it feels like such a ripe opportunity for practice and something to think about you know in and so many different perspectives you know when when i think about the fact that it feels like home as one of the first places where we make a distinction between mine and yours
years and inside and outside and a place where we like already taken a much
practical sentence and we all are are brought up with this idea of being on our best behavior and other people's homes and over at our own homes we tend to slip or relax or got a sleeper seven feel a sense of separateness and privacy
that ah that is unique to being at home when i just i just think there so many opportunities for for contemplation and practice you know enough in that quote
yeah i am when you were talking
a line from
i'll refrain actually from a poem by rumi came up to my mind
which you've heard me so many have you heard me recite before
the breeze or dawn
has secrets to tell you don't go back to sleep
you have to say what you really want
don't go back to sleep
people are walking back and forth
all people are walking back and forth on the threshold where the two worlds meet
the door is round and open don't go back to sleep
so where are the threshold between i don't know what
self another
the threshold between peace and war were at that threshold
we might want turn away from violence and cruelty and injustice and go over and look look in the direction of justice and kindness
and peace
but the call from the poet
is to sit at that threshold between justice and injustice

i'm not gonna sleep not turn away from the injustice and look over to justice not turn away from justice and look over at injustice
the in the presence
and it's not that comfortable can be in the presence of injustice
and it's not that comfortable can be in the presence of people who don't have a homes but they're right here we're we're face to face with them all day long it's a question of not going back to sleep
because we do we have gone to sleep but when we wake up and start to develop we start to feel the discomfort
of the injustice which is always close at hand
were never a little bit away from it but we're also never a little bit away from justice
but don't lead over towards justice be upright with the justice and be upright with the injustice
this is a great opportunity and it's not it's not like being at home and cozy
it's been challenged and questioned
it's been opened to great discomfort in it's a great opportunity and this is where buddha's sit
on this threshold and they don't turn their back on peace
and they don't turn their pass their back on war
they're open to both
thank you you're welcome thank you
i think next is brett breck
i rubbed can you hear me i can't thank you
you're welcome
i have to admit that when you said you would be starting sittings again at know abode
that my heart sank a little bit that we might not be having this
zoom interactions as well
little you know i'm i'm away for a while then another some other members in the song as well
and i hope that weekend at some interval also have these kind of meetings with you over this medium as well as in person
i hear you and
how can i refuse
i'm i'm i'm become a prisoner of zoom body earth
i also wanted to express my gratitude
i saw my calendar the tomorrow your fiftieth anniversary
and i'm grateful for everything back to the big bang and beyond lead to you being here
and thank you so much for all the years that i've been interacting with you that's been
transformative and loving
a lot of fun
thank you rob
and i think next is mill you to right

are you there are a mere you what i am okay good i see okay there you are
hello alone
ten the whole sangha
i'm sorry that i have not seen or listen to you
thank you
you're welcome thank you
and next is tracey
and it's great to be with everybody it's really great to be with you read and i'm kind of blown away by fifty years of practice and commitment and leadership so thank you for mentioning that some wicked like that
i was poking around the san francisco zen center website yesterday and somehow was looking at the an online portal and saw that there are these videos not all these at least some videos of suzuki roshi which i had never seen
and so
despite what i had planned for myself for the morning i just went down that rabbit hole and watched every single one and
it was really moved to
with that tiny little taste of him so i wanted to share that with you
and then what i want to talk to you about i when i was thinking about it i realized
it's exact same thing i asked her about maybe not a thousand times but
over and over and now and so i started to thing
maybe you're a bad teacher or maybe i'm a bad student is clippers with open it's good to be over to both those possibilities i mean how can i know on i'm sitting i'm not like it bringing this question from the past it's right here again and and
but then it was a little help i think it was camille who is when she was talking about the never ending part of it it's like okay but see now so you know so maybe it's not my accusation about either of us maybe it's a confession that
whatever that sitting at the doorway is
that presence in the domain of the world's suffering i confess i find it
you know virtually impossible to just be with to just be with and you know you said something it's not that comfortable like what are you talking about not that comfortable it's like
for me it it's beyond devastating to let him get any better the suffering that i can even lead in
and so
i don't
nine i know what i'm supposed to do is not turn away and not
get hooked that's my that's the assignment as my zen assignment
so my confession is i have not mastered at all
it's a little upsetting to me that i don't feel like i'm making progress in that
so to me if i let and one more bit of suffering and just gonna run screaming out into the night
so i'm not going to open that email or to read that article
one so adamant so that's my jumble of impressions and concerns and failures and him to share
i mean then i could ask you for a tip but you'd probably give me one of you probably gave him one last time and i must have forgotten it or not done it because i still have questions
we're teaching and not to diminish it as a teacher

another sign of moral development is opening to wider and wider
oh suffering
okay so you're saying that you sometimes or anyway that you sometimes
hesitate to open anymore
do any open to any more suffering
okay i shall i heard you say that so
i'm not a situation and when you when you're ready opening more is part of the program
however harder than heroic work of opening to more suffering
which is moral progress
caring about more people caring about some problems which you didn't think before were a problem
know or you taught there were two either you didn't think there were word a problem at all and you weren't going to open to people who are had such petty concerns or the problems are too big dog those with the limits of hub of your moral development
a part of expanding is not opening an email sometimes
resting is part of the heroic path
so i got yeah i heard doctors without borders that go to these places and they they help people
and the line don't you know the line never stops
they're never gonna finish and if they just keep going and keep going eventually they will collapse and then there will not be and doctors without borders anymore
i don't know where they'll be but they they will not be available to help people they have to leave and rest before the line
come to an end and which is different another difficulty so years your sensitivity to the boundlessness of the suffering and that you're reaching your limits and as time to rest part of being a hero is to realize i have worked enough
today and if i work anymore i much makes a big mistakes and hurt somebody
so it's time to rest even though i'm not done
it's time to close the door and rest even golf
it's time to say that's too much for me to take
even though the suffering people don't get to do that they don't get to say i want to every pass from the suffering that's that's what feels weird to me you don't get a you don't get a chance to take a rest from the suffering you you can't take a rest for the suffering either what you can take a rest from is the work take a
from the work what work the work of opening to it
nobody can take a rest from suffering
but people can turn away from it
it's still there they just ignoring it
but didn't look that arrest or ignorance isn't arrest
taking a nap can be part of the work so that you can get back up and go to work again what's the work opening to the suffering
practicing generosity with practicing ethics was it practicing saw a growth and x ethics is to grow with situations that you practice essex with but in order for them to growth we need to rest some time we need to know
we've done enough work today so that we can work tomorrow rather than keep working to danced and just start causing trouble
because you work too long we did to it's lazy to overwork
it's not diligent to keep pushing yourself beyond the time to rest
there is a ah a doctor's i member's name is farmer dr farmer and he he probably still does work in haiti
and he's right there in the front lines helping people not you not true
civil wars and and earthquakes and
epidemics and he he had this a concept which i appreciated which has caught which i abbreviated is a m r
area of moral nor am c excuse me it's the same as an entertainment company m c area of moral clarity
so there's certain areas that have more clarity where we're pretty clear what will our work to do is
and he recommend work in that area and you work in that area where you clear okay i'm clear about working here
and he says by working there your area of more clarity will expand
but right now there's certain areas where you're not morally clear and to go there isn't necessarily helping anybody may be better to work where you're clear and work on that
and then if you're successful it will grow the bodhisattva path is for that area to grow and grow towards an open ended growth
and it's resting from the work of not turning away
from freedom or bondage
from peace or violence not turning away from either but also resting right on with on the threshold rest
rest without going back to sleep
in your sleep remember your career have a bot as to help people so that's that's a chip how is that tip was brilliant at the or i realized this has been recorded on i should try to watch it again so that next time i forget
as this seemed very very clear to me for this moment greatly appreciate that thank you you're so welcome
ak party
ak party thank you for hi katie
on i said to russia today remember patty damn run it is it i am china
i think of russa about her some across the golden gate what a bad ashes on
it's wonderful to see a lot of your haven't seen for years i think of all of you and rabbits lovely to see and hear you and i secondly breath says i'd love to liberate you from being a prisoner zoom but it's wonderful for the bus a person was who live far away and can't make it to know about and
and and tracy or lodge is thank you for being vulnerable and sharing a youngster a seen in it what you send me me think about taking refuge in buddha dharma and sangha in serval i made years ago and syndromes i forget
and i'm taking refuge in zoom i never thought i'd take refuge and zoom
but with all of you and any hear you talk rubbing her love you evolve on
express you know difficulties with what's happening in the world and just been in the world
i feel refuge and an anomaly grateful for that
thank you
and happy anniversary rub with year
i'm by the way i hike today i think was the first time i i expressed on
zoom prison
i actually i also have been in the zendo prison for fifty years
xander sometimes feels like a prison do but i voluntarily go to it so now i have to like
i didn't try to voluntarily going to zoom prison
so i guess for now i'll be in to prisons zendo prison and the zune prison
for me the xander the federal prisons easier than the zoom prison although i do know that zoom prison does have certain advantages it's easier on the vine in the environment
you don't have to drive a car to go to zoom prison rich

companies such as fifty rep
maybe to zoom dough instead of as zoom though
okay jared
i wrapped my journey
oh yeah thank you for you talk today i really appreciated you bringing up your passion and repentance it's been a huge thing in my life
i guess for a while now but may may may recently ah i am
galaxy r o a i was thinking a lot ah we were talking about
kind of a redbus or i heard it in a a toffee gay but ah but something about how you were at tassajara and there was a food shortage ah and you are ah
you recognize in yourself this wish to come to get some food for yourself because the maybe you don't get it later ah and and you walked away and it really hit you hard that ah
in this food shortage you are kind of interested in getting poop for yourself
and the american dream and said at that time i felt like i began real practice ah i think you said something like that in the book or where i heard it oh and i recently i've been having a
ah all sorts of things coming up about a
things that i've done things that i've said people that i've heard
i mean i'll just say this is a process of me
recognizing that i have addiction problems and i have to take care of them i want to take care of them am taking care of them up and
i you i've been having needs a lot like real blow up like anger blow up a made me relationship with my mother oh and has been amazing to have those happen and then to do my best to make
a man's for those events i get some clarity and ended it's really a humbling to
thank you going along doing great
which maybe you are and then all of a sudden ah
you have a barbaric below up and a fight
for me as of late the practice of professional repentance has felt like pilot i i've been thinking of that thing i read or heard of it it's been feeling like a much more real than the practice and something i got norman fischer said which i really appreciate he said i don't think we can forgive ourselves
oh and i always thought that was kind of ours but i really feel as though that forgiveness isn't that communion and it it's huge like it's arm
yeah i don't know i'm really grateful for the practice of confession and repentance and faith in it because it
these things his way on my heart and it's amazing when you get clarity around and feel that opening on and then you get feedback and you kind of nowhere to go from there like ah and you see how deeply vulnerable you are to hurting people on it
possible a guy didn't know how possible it was for me to hurt somebody
but it's a huge ah
the yeah i just thank you thank you very much
i'm happy to hear this report jared

and part of the problem with addictions is sometimes they
domus to our problems
you know so much so that we never get angry because weren't for some none and when we come off the addiction we started to feel the pain more and then we an opportunity to start dealing with the anger
when it comes from not being able to be compassionate to our difficulties
and then we learn compassion
but we need to we need to confession and repeat confession repentance is a compassion practice
and it just says at the end of the verse
this practice of confession repentance is the pure and simple color of true practice it's the true mind of faith it's the true body of faith

and that story that ah george referring to remind me some other time when when zoomed prison again i'll tell you the whole story it but it's too long to tell at this point i think but i can just briefly tell you that to punchline of the story that would i
right about was not that i didn't get the food i was concerned about but i cried because i saw what a petty person i was
i just cried the seeing how petty and i could be over a little scrap of food here i was supposedly studying zen in a monastery and what did i care about
crew time
and that that really humbled me and made me realize
i am and that was that's real practice when you realize when are when i realize how petty i am then i can really practice
i didn't know beforehand how petty i was
okay somebody named sunday
if somebody named sunday

oh yeah hello rob the money or eric sunday okay hi sunday i don't know your name was sunday some reason they put me down at that i could change for term is not a bad name but don't and what can i call you there for non while sure call me anything k sunday
i just want to say something quickly the to i was sitting with somebody use in tremendous pain from terminal illness and i said i said i'm sorry i'm really sorry and they said they looked at me and they said you're not there
not to blame it's not your fault and then i thought i have to rephrase this and i said
i'm feeling so full of sorrow for your pain and then smiled and looked at me so that's really all lives only say is that just means are i'm sorry sometimes just yeah
it doesn't cover everything doesn't yeah i i sometimes when people say something horrible about that happened to them i sometimes i'm saying sorry and they often say to me is not your fault and then i say what you said i said what i mean as i feel sorrow
so maybe i should in those cases when i'm not talking about my karma
and in somebody's telling me about their pain i should just say i feel i feel sorrow the spanish is nice that way lo siento it was as translators i'm sorry but it means i feel it
i feel your pain
i feel sorrow it's good on that case and when it comes to my life and my actions i'm sorry
thank you sunday
and carolyn burke

your your muted carolyn
can you hear me now yes thank you read thank you so much for the fifty years for today for all the teachings i want to tell you a little story that feels now like a pro
three kovind fable ah as you know
last year in september i had a heart attack and was treated in paris where i was in the wonderful cardiac unit of the hospital this is the story of gratitude for all that i that the love and care
i received and the love and care i discovered on the way back to the hospital after i'd
recovered enough to go for my final exam i wasn't sure how to get their friends said well we don't think you should take the metro that's too much for you and the bus is a bit dangerous this bust line which goes to the north of paris where my hospital is goes to the sa
suburbs where all the people of color live the africans the people from north africa and those are mostly the people on the bus so there was some sense among my advisers that at this moment i might not be
so comfortable in my condition well i went anyway
and here is where the practice comes in
there were very few seats there was only one next to a beautiful african woman in a turban and a long road road but i wasn't quite sure whether she would own want to move over it would require a bit of moving over so i asked her as
would would it be all right for me to sit down and she said yes we rode along together mrs pre-coated of course sitting very closely side by side
almost as if we were meditating together and when it came to my hospital stop i
indicated i was going to get up asked her permission and she said to me in the most what can i said oh comforting way of wow madam so i said oh wow madame we recognize teach other it was a rolling zendo that bus
there we were all together all these different kinds of people in our different conditions sharing our space and in a sense you were with me to you were all with me i fell to in that rowling's and of that bus that goes to the north of paris and i am so
so grateful thank you
thank you for the story
it's amazing where we find the practice
guiding us inhabiting us it's amazing it's amazing
okay so tomorrow's my anniversary and you're welcome to come or be and zoom prison again tomorrow morning
at the at the green gulch and the god zoom prison
oh and again on i look forward to maybe on i don't know for going have one day sitting but i think the next next month will i will be able to
give a talk to know about from know about ah we're setting up the a wifi there so i can have to give a talk to the know about community from know abode saw sit in front of the altar and talk to you and next month
and maybe we'll have a one day sitting too
in addition to the zoomed on brick
thank you rob
so you i thank you for coming to the
trip to the anniversary party and i pray for your continued good health
and i pray for your continued practice of compassion and i pray for your continued quietly exploring the causes and conditions of your life and your awakening thank you so much than for you as well rub thank you
may our in the intention really extend to don't really being and plays with the true marriage or buddha as way beings are numberless i vow to save them delusions are in
inexhaustible i love to end them dharma gates are boundless i vow to answer them
our way is unsurpassable i vow to become
i buy bye affects everyone blended route happy and eleven abraham login were arab boy i will have to read i learned what you
replaces her multiplayer courtesy you
inky think can get a march for a gear like that year by you by by nick you