Dave, Tom, Nancy, Mary, Neil, Barry, John, Richard, Fresh, Terry, Rita, Jay, C, Jay, Barbara, Barry, Ann, Dalby, Darian, Bert, Judy, Susan, Michael, Tricia, Susan, Jay, Katherine, John, Linda, Lisa, Michael, Maureen, Kathleen,

[01:09]

I feel I should try to tie together what's happened in the previous four weeks and see what happens. I think the fundamental paradigm is the relationship between radical delusion, radical insight, and radical compassion. And the reason why I'm concerned with this radical compassion, radical insight, is because it addresses the fundamental human delusion, which everybody shares. So radical compassion and radical insight are also universal compassion, because it applies to all beings, all human beings,

[02:38]

and also it applies to the basic issue of self and the universe. So it's radical and it's also universal. And the basic agenda in Zen is the compassionate wish to help people open up to the teaching which will free them from this radical delusion and help them develop this universal wisdom and compassion that there is, and help beings to show them, demonstrate this teaching, and help them awaken to it and help them enter it. So the scale is kind of like the highest hopes for beings and also that hope for all beings. That's why I am focusing on radical issues.

[03:46]

There are many other kinds of practices, even within Buddhism, but in the end, the issues that I've been raising these five weeks must be addressed. So I've gone right to the essential work in Buddhist practice and introduced you to some difficult ideas. For example, in general, the practice of Buddhist teaching, of Buddhist truth, is to clarify and develop your weaknesses. So that the weaknesses, or the weakness itself, can become awakened qualities. So the thing I've been suggesting to you is that Buddhist practice is not like trying to manipulate yourself into a Buddha. It's not like you're trying to take delusion and change it into enlightenment, or take a living being and make it into a Buddha.

[05:09]

But rather, to enter completely into delusion, to its essence, and realize that delusion is actually enlightenment. That delusion is actually radiant wisdom and compassion. And profound wisdom has no other subject than delusion. And profound compassion has no other subject than the deepest and also all other varieties of delusion. So, by entering deeply, penetrating deeper into the nature of delusion, we can find the nature of delusion. Delusion is this thing we call awakened. And the same with, to enter deeply into living beings. And when we realize what living beings actually are, we realize living beings just as they are, living beings just as they are, is what we mean by Buddha. Buddha is living beings just as they are.

[06:24]

So the basic, in a sense, method for entering into this study is penetration into what I call uprightness. To be upright in the midst of whatever is happening. To be upright in the midst of your body and mind. To be upright in delusion. That naturally opens you to this essence, to this dynamic world where the restricted sense of self dances with the unrestricted sense of self and how they mutually create each other. I call it, when you say uprightness, you could also say its selfness. Or you could say the thusness, the uprightness of delusion, the itselfness of delusion, or the thusness of delusion.

[07:28]

And again, the basic delusion is the belief that we are separate, that living beings are separate. The belief that subject and object are separate. And in particular, as a result of that, believing that the self, which is separate from the other, can be separate and independent. That it can be separate and that it can have independent meaning and independent life. This understanding is what we call evil, if you believe it, which is live backwards. So the fundamental function of the human mind is, in a sense, sin. In the sense of sin being separate. The human mind naturally separates, discriminating consciousness separates. That's what sin means, what sin means. So the mind naturally does that. To believe that separation causes a life to be inverted, makes life negate itself.

[08:42]

If we study how that happens, which means that we affirm the way life works in this negating, contradictory way, if we have the courage to affirm that, the whole process turns around and we start re-living. And this is like the path of life is to enter into admitting how we have this limited egoism. And by studying that egoism, we more and more see how contradictory that is. And the more we see how contradictory egoism is, the more we become aware of ourselves. Until we become fully aware of ourselves, and full awareness of self, as Buddha's mind. And I also mentioned to you this idea of, and the same applies, just as I say to study or to enter into delusion, the same applies to what we call karma or action.

[10:01]

Karma is based on delusion. So karma is basically that, given that I'm an independent being in the rest of the universe, that I can do things by myself, then the actions I do are karma. Or rather, actions are based on a delusion. We call action karma. And this just accumulates all kinds of further problems. So again, we don't deny the delusion, in a sense we affirm the delusion, and we don't deny karma, we admit and affirm in a sense. Anyway, we just admit it. And by thoroughly admitting the karma, again you can see that the self that comes and does things is met by all things coming from doing self.

[11:02]

The usual way is, self does things, confirms things. The reverse of that is, things come forward and do the self. And at the limit of admitting this egoistic approach of I do things, at the limit of admitting that, you meet the other side. So this uprightness, part of this uprightness is to exert, is to be there in what you're doing, and to exert that fully to the limit of your delusion. At the limit of your delusion, enlightenment meets you. And enlightenment and delusion are not the whole story. The whole story is that they live together. It's not like the world of delusions, the whole story of course, and the world of enlightenment is not the whole story either.

[12:09]

It's the two coming together, that's the whole story, because we still keep being people who operate in the same way. But when it's met by the other side of the story, it's like the hand up here, the hand's like this, it's going to keep being like that, but someday you'll realize the space between is defined by the fingers, and the space between defines the fingers. That's where all action is. And that ceiling between what you do and how things do you, how you do this and make space, and how space does it and it meets you, that ceiling is called Buddha's mudra. And rather than try to manipulate your karma into some other form, or even try to eliminate it, if you watch it, you will see Buddha's seal, Buddha's mudra, in everything you think, everything you speak, and every posture you make.

[13:11]

And then you can realize that that mudra, which is impressed by and expressed by your thought, your speech, and your postures, that mudra is also simultaneously impressed on the rest of the universe. And the rest of the universe will also realize that this is happening with you. And another concept I presented is that taking responsibility for your actions, for your delusion, at the extreme of taking responsibility, the responsibility turns into the ability to respond. And that to try to figure out what's right, what's good, on this side, unilaterally try to figure out what's good, simply will not lead to discovering what's good.

[14:30]

Arriving at good is a bilateral negotiation always. And it can be between two people, but eventually it must be between the person and other beings. In this presentation, the person is highly valued. The universe does not know anything. We are the way the universe knows something. And we are very precious for that reason. But that very reason that we are precious, which is our knowability, as the knowing beings, is also the cause of our wretchedness and misery. So coming with our ability to know things, and be separate from things, and be separate from things, and therefore know them, coming with that then is our sense of self, our sense of independence, and our misery.

[15:37]

But there is a solution, there is an antidote, there is a medicine for this wound, and the medicine is to be upright, and have the courage to be the way we are as humans. And in that way, the process can reverse, and we can be released from belief in what we believe in. I was at the end of class last week, Eric's not here, he said something about is it okay to keep practices like a loving-kindness meditation or something like that, and yes, of course. But again, I would say rather than think in terms of, well, I'm going to do loving-kindness meditation, and loving-kindness meditation is sometimes given to people in order to help them develop loving-kindness.

[16:54]

Or in order to help you also as an antidote to anger. But rather than think of it as something you do to yourself to make yourself into, I don't know what, a kinder person, a less angry person, to generate love in yourself, you can also look at it simply as an expression of the way you already are. And if you do it that way, then you don't necessarily make loving-kindness meditation into another action, into another confirmation of the illusion that you do loving-kindness. Like, you don't exactly do it if you're a woman, or do it if you're a man. But some people can think that way about it, and make being a man or a woman into more calmness. Again, if you think that way about, well, I'm going to make myself into a man or I'm going to make myself into a woman, if you think about it that way, it's still not the end of the world if you catch yourself at it and notice how contradictory that is.

[18:04]

And to some extent probably, even though of course it's kind of silly to make myself into a man, or make myself into a woman, or make myself intelligent, or make myself beautiful, even though that's kind of silly, I may do those things. But if I admit them and study them, I will start to see what kind of victory it is. And the more kind of victory I see it is, the more, I bet, the more I understand what I am. Because people are not just reasonable creatures that just go around being men and being women. They just don't go around looking like they look and letting it go at them. They don't just get up in the morning, put their clothes on, and go to work. It's not really true that we're that simple. We are actually contradictory, ambiguous beings. We do redundant, nonsensical, unnecessary things. And we do.

[19:13]

We think about being someplace else when we're not there, and therefore hardly can we even be here. We do that kind of thing. Why do we do it? Because we can. We don't want to miss out on anything that we can do. And a whole bunch of other stuff that we're missing out on, we just feel sad about. All the things that we can't, all the rooms we can't be in right now, on some level we're begrudged that we can't be there. We have to choose one and only one vacation. So in that case, since we can only have one vacation on a vacation, we want to do as many things as possible on a vacation. Or, we don't want to do anything on a vacation. And that's what we're going to do. That's the way people are. It's just natural. And if you can admit it, you can be released from it.

[20:19]

And the way to admit it is just to be present in it for a moment and to fully admit and acknowledge what's already happening and what you can't stop doing anyway. So again, I think it's happened in this class that sometimes when I talk to people I say, well does that mean you shouldn't do anything? I'm not telling you not to do anything. I'm saying actually, you are doing things pretty much non-stop. So I come into a situation where I have, living with me, very active creatures. I don't tell them to stop doing things. I tell them to catch up with themselves and be honest. If anybody wants to stop doing something, again, that's just more stuff that you're doing. So the trick is to be flexible enough to adjust and keep up with yourself as you change from one action to the other. And what some people do is they try to be somewhat fascist. Fascist in the sense of, you know, fascia came from the symbol of a Roman magistrate who had these sticks wrapped with a cord.

[21:35]

Part of being a fascist is to bind yourself together so you can be fascist with yourself and to control yourself into being something. Again, that's fine. It's no worse than doing the opposite. But can you stay with that? Can you catch up with yourself? Can you be flexible enough to adjust to the latest thing that you're creating? And be gentle enough, you know, not to like flinch from that or try to change that, but really accept and kind of like be gently be who you are. You've already got plenty of who you are. That's good. Keep up with that. Be honest about that. And be upright in that. Then you'll be able to basically see how silly it is, how contradictory, how absolutely contradictory it is.

[22:38]

And then again, you realize what a human being is. You realize the root of our being is something really, you know, different from what we've been told to carry around as what we are, such that our life is actually death. And our death is actual life. And when we lose, we're enlightened and when we regain, we're deluded. And without taking charge of the contradictions, anyway, appreciate them and affirm them, not superficially from the head, but with your whole body, be willing to be present with what's happening. And then you'll see how this stuff works.

[23:43]

And you'll develop an antidote to basically everything you think. It's not that what you think is so much as right or wrong, valid or invalid. If it's invalid, you need an antidote to that, of course. But you also need antidotes to valid thoughts, too, or valid thinking, too. We need an antidote to everything in our life. A part of it says, you know, wait a minute, there's some things that shouldn't be reversed. And that unwillingness to let things reverse, to let things be totally renounced and turned around, that unwillingness is again something that I would propose again as a reverse way to deal with that, namely, don't do any of that either. Just be upright, commit resistance to let things turn.

[24:55]

We're willing to let some things turn, but those are the things which we already have decided we want to have turned. All the things we haven't decided we want to have turned, we don't want to have them turned. So, of course, the things that you're ready to have turned won't turn, and the things that you don't want to have turned will turn. As a matter of fact, they are turning. All the things that I don't want to have turned are turning, and all the things that I do want to have turned are not turning. That's the way things actually are. Things are completely opposite to the way I think they are, and that's exactly the kind of person I am. And it's that way. It's not like they're the opposite of the way you think they are, and that's another way from the way I am. That's really how I am, and I am really that way. And that is the way we are, and that's why we are spiritual beings.

[26:03]

Because we're not what we think we are, and we think we are what we think we are. That's probably what most people think, and some of you don't. So, in the end, that's enough for you. And now, I'll give you a test. True or false? The fundamental affliction of ignorance is itself the immutable knowledge of all truths. So, true or false?

[27:12]

I'll show it to you now. Ignorance itself is Buddha's knowledge. Does anybody think that's not true? It's both true and stupid. Okay, well, I'll see you in the test. And how do you witness, how can you witness that ignorance itself, delusion itself, is as good as mind, as good as wisdom? How do you witness that? How do you actually realize that? How do you realize that? By realizing the illusion. How can you realize the illusion?

[28:21]

By studying it, becoming aware of it. By studying it, becoming aware of it. And also, how do you study it? By studying it, becoming aware of it. By studying it, becoming aware of it. You may not get out from it. By watching what's happening all the time. By watching what's happening all the time. And how do you watch? By sitting. By sitting. And how do you sit? By sitting. I'm not trying to do anything, I'm not pushing anything away. You're not trying to do anything, you're not pushing anything away. I'm not trying to do anything, I'm not pushing anything away. And that's all it is. And that's what's called a fall of work.

[29:27]

And that's what's called a fall of work. And that's what's called a fall of work. Yes. It wasn't actually Buddha. It was a Buddha in previous life. This is something that Buddha remembered in earlier life. But Buddha did tell the story by himself in past life. So then studying this stuff,

[30:31]

how do you calculate that action versus how do you first start to do this? And how do you sit in meditation and do it? It's not that easy. But it's kind of like that you do it, how do you contemplate? You had several things. I think you said something like, how do you know what right action is? Right? So one way of doing it is to try to figure it out. And that's part of our life, is to try to figure out what's right. It's something that people do. It's kind of like some of the other stories I've told, I think people do. Not everybody does this, but a lot of people spend their time thinking like that. Trying to think, I'm going to figure out what's right. This is part of...

[31:33]

This is part of what we do. In that realm, this is kind of the realm of what you might call moral courage. Courage to do that work and enter into those considerations. So, for example, I remember Suzuki Roshi's wife told me a story about she went to a... some kind of a... what do they call that? A dinner where you honor people? Not a honorific dinner. It's just a testimonial dinner to honor this guy for some great thing he did. So the guy came up there and they honored him. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot exactly what happened. But anyway, that was the idea. He was going to be honored. So she noticed that he was sitting at the table with his wife and the rest of his family.

[32:39]

And she thought, oh, well. They must have helped him do this great thing he did. So they should be thanked too, she thought. She thought that would be good. That was her idea. If you think something would be good, that thought occurs to you. Generally speaking, you should do something about it right away. Don't miss the chance of doing something good. She wasn't sure if it was good. So what she did was... She asked two people sitting actually on either side of her. One person she asked. She said, this person... I don't know how to describe this person. I don't know what to say. This person is rather flexible.

[33:40]

Could see things in lots of different ways. So for example, this guy was going to be honored. And to suggest that maybe his family be recognized too was a little bit different from what she expected. But she could see maybe that that would be good. She thought so. So she asked this person. This person said, yes, I agree. It would be good for someone to suggest the family be recognized too. The other lady was someone who was a little more conservative. A quite old lady. In other words, someone who might have said, well, you know, you shouldn't mess with the program. And she asked that lady. A conservative lady. The conservative lady also said, yes, I think it would be good to recognize the family. So she felt like she consulted two kind of poles in decorum or protocol. And they both said, they both confirmed her idea that it would be good to recognize the family. So I think what happened was he was, you know, recognized and he was honored. And then she stood up and said, and we would also like to,

[34:41]

his family is here too, so we would also like to recognize them. Which was good. She thought that something was good. But she didn't figure out, she didn't, based on her own thought, she wasn't sure if it was good. So she tried to consult with other people. Now, she didn't have time to consult with everybody. She just did this range of opinions. And so, I guess the thing I felt there was that it's good not to be so sure that something is right. If you think it's right, well, then do something about it right away. But still, remember, you might be wrong. And one of the ways to check it out is to ask other people, but if it's not fun, then also check out to see what the result was. And this is in the realm of things you can do. Okay? And I think that's part of our work.

[35:44]

We're going to do that kind of thing anyway. We're going to spend part of our time figuring out what's right and wrong anyway. So I think it is good in that realm of you figuring out what's right for you to consult people in a way that tries to be, you know, overcomes selection in the tradition as much as you can. Sometimes you don't have enough time, so in that case, you can't get feedback beforehand and try to get it afterwards. This is all on the side of personal effort. But what I'm also proposing is to get in touch with a place in ourselves that has nothing to do with your own personal power, with your own personal... with nothing to do with your own personal activities. In the case where you think you're doing a personal activity, I directed you toward trying to make it less personal. But I'm also proposing that if you can settle down

[36:48]

into the nature of your existence, that the actions that come forth from there will be... they will be beneficial beyond our ideas of good and bad, right and wrong. They will come from a place that doesn't get swept, that doesn't get pushed around by these thoughts of good and bad that are constantly coming up in our mind. Because our actual nature is such that all the things that are harmful to beings can't happen. Everything is pro-life, is the expression. Everything is life-affirming because you affirm the contradictory nature of existence. So I won't say that what you do is good in that place.

[37:51]

I would say what you do transcends good. It's better than good. It's better than the good which is the opposite of bad. Life is not itself good. I think what is good is what promotes life. Life itself is more dynamic than good or bad. And to push life in any direction is somewhat harmful, I would say. But by meditating on how our mind goes through calculating good and bad is part of what we have to settle into to find a being that is not pushed around by good and bad anymore. Because what we really are, again I propose, is not caught by good and bad. We are so thoroughly contradictory that good and bad can't touch us. And we have to find that nature.

[38:54]

And the way to find it is what we just talked about. You can't arrive at good and bad by, you know, discursive thinking. Although you probably will keep thinking discursively and try to figure it out. But you can't arrive at it that way. You can't arrive at good that way. Please. Do you think that people will eventually be able to not do it? Unless they are afraid. Unless they want to say, I don't care so long as I say, yeah, I don't care if they don't believe me, it's another way, you know, it all comes upward. She could be a fear, say, I don't care if they are not concerned, I know they hate me sometimes, but I know they are scared. But yet she really wants to, you know, fear. Yes, I do. But I wouldn't say eventually. I would say, I would propose

[39:55]

that people always do exactly what they want to do and never do anything else but, that's what I would say. And I say, and I know that people don't think that way, but they decide, I say people want to think that way. They want to think, I didn't do what I wanted. And what they did was, they fought that thought, I didn't do what I wanted. And people think that thought a lot, and that's the thought they want to think. And they think that they can think that thought on and on. So I propose that you do what you want and also, you can't decide what you want. What you want is given to you by many, many circumstances. And some people decide they want to not do what they want. And they decide to go against or to go for, according to certain circumstances, you always decide what you decide and always decide to do what you want. You never can do what you don't want. I propose that.

[41:00]

And the reason why I say it that way is because I feel like that way of putting it puts you right up to take full responsibility for what you do. And taking full responsibility for what you do, at the limit of that, at the whole heartedness of that, you meet Buddha. You know, what is that story? Oh, you've heard this one. Somebody, Moses goes to you. No, Joshno goes to you. I can't remember the story, but anyway. Somebody goes to heaven, and the issue is not that you weren't more like Moses. You don't not get into heaven for not being more like Moses or Paul. You don't get into heaven for not being enough like yourself. Uprightness is to be yourself. And uprightness is to say, Okay, I made this decision.

[42:00]

This is the decision I made. Or another way to put it is, realize that God's decision or reality's decision is your decision. And, huh? What? Exactly. You have faith, your faith in your life is your obedience to reality as your, as what you're doing. And if you have complete faith, you take responsibility for what you're doing, right to the limit of it. And right at the limit of it, you get a big break. You get a big relief from being this person who thinks she can do stuff by her own power. So, your own power, your power, your will to power, that you can do stuff, is against your life, is against love. But, if you can admit that completely

[43:02]

and affirm that you're doing something which is contrary to your life, and even going around thinking you can do things on your own, if you can affirm that, that itself will save you from this negative tendency of your life to think that you can do things on your own. It's actually really sad to do things on your own. And... somehow, the more you take on, the more you realize how sad that trip is. Until finally you feel like, I don't want to do anything more by myself. I want to do everything with everybody. But you've got to feel that way thoroughly. You sort of have to, like, push it and try to do stuff by yourself for a while and realize that that just, you know, is only going to work for a little while. There's still something handy about the story about the Buddha, though. And that is... I don't know if I should finish this or go back to that.

[44:05]

Are we done with this? Is that enough for now? For this round? The reason why Buddha... Yes? I guess I'm pretty much a... you know, pushy kind of person with my brother. And... I really like to have a conversation with my brother and myself as well as with other people. And that statement makes me feel really uncomfortable. And... just... I get ripped into myself because, you know, I'm... I don't know... I'm really... doing a lot for myself for a long period of time because that's the way it is. That's how life tends to work in my life. So it makes me uncomfortable with that statement. I know. I am... so it's, you know, I gotta be careful. Well, it's not that I wish to do it by myself. No, I... It's just the way it is.

[45:05]

Right. Well... it's the way you think it is. It's the way you think it is. It's the way it is. But you're not necessarily saying that to do things with others by yourself means being alone. It's a matter of how you're perceiving what you're doing. That's right. You're not saying to do things with others means to always have people around you whenever you're doing things. Right. You can do things with others out in the desert with no other people around you. You can do things with others. And you can do things by yourself when you've got people all over you. Like your kids. Without your kids you wouldn't be able to do a thing for your kids. You think you're by yourself with these little things crawling all over you? You couldn't take care of them if it wasn't for them. They're helping you be their single mother. Actually, most people have single mothers. Single parents. Without your kids you wouldn't be able to do it. I'm telling you that most... most people, most single mothers, most...

[46:06]

most mothers who have husbands and most husbands who have wives and children and so on, most people think that they are taking care of the kids by themselves or with one other person helping them. Or they might think, well actually my mother-in-law helps too. Or they might think, well actually the teachers help too. Or they might think... they might... but they still might think that the way they think it's happening is the way it's happening. But actually everybody in the universe is helping you take care of your kids. But, you know, you're not the only one who doesn't see it that way. And you probably will keep seeing it that way. You don't see that... You can't see with your eyes that everybody in the universe is helping you take care of your kids. You can't. And you can't see that your kids are helping you take care of your kids. We talked about that at Disney, right? About how we have trouble seeing the kids that are helping us take care of them. As a matter of fact, the way they're showing us, the way they're helping us take care of them is by telling us so strongly

[47:08]

the opposite of what they're saying. By telling us, you're not taking care of me, you're not taking care of me, and you're not taking care of me. This is how they help us take care of you. And this is pushing us towards dropping our view of what's going on. Not getting rid of it, but being free of it, because we realize that there's a big contradiction. And this comfort is really a sign that what I'm saying to you is what I'm giving to you is touching you. And when it touches you, you can actually work with it. Before the stuff touches you,

[48:14]

it's just kind of like, well, that's a funny way to talk, or that sounds weird. Well, I'll listen to that for a while. That's good, too. But when it starts to actually turn you, that's when we really start working. So the fact that what I said made you feel uncomfortable means that you kind of like, you listened to me and you thought about it, how it affects your life. So that's good, I think, that you let this move you a little bit, for a while. Parents, in some sense, have to think they're right in that circumstance. But if you watch yourself think that you're right, the more you do that, you realize that there's an addiction to that shit.

[49:16]

And it isn't the thing where you can sort of say, OK, I'm wrong, and then eliminate the contradiction. That's what most people do. Get rid of the contradiction, switch sides, sort of be able to pull, and on the safe, try that, too. But if you keep, if you stay with the process, you realize that won't avoid the contradiction, either. But the more you study, the more you stay with yourself, the more you won't be able to avoid seeing how dynamic your life is. Yes. I guess you don't have to answer the question again, but go ahead. I mean, it's different when you, you know, do the same thing when you say, um, and trade on it, and you'll see a contradiction. Um, yeah. Well, even, to me, it's different when you're in the same area that you're in, and you see a contradiction. I, I, I understand it, you know, that, you know, you see it dynamic, or complex, and it's kind of one or the other,

[50:19]

but I don't think that we're trying to do Well, I mean, when you go to a contradictory way, I don't think it's the same. Well, for, for example, it's basically that you see that your existence is born of your absolute negation. That's one, that's one example of a contradiction you see there. The way you are is born of the death of me. Without awareness of death, you cannot have a self, a sense of self. That's a contradiction which you'll see. If you study yourself, you'll notice, as you study yourself more thoroughly, you'll see that as you get to the end of your self, what isn't your self, you'll see how that completely makes the sense of self. And if it wasn't for that, it would be no self. So the self is identical to self negation. And that's also enlightenment's like that too,

[51:21]

that enlightenment is self-identical through an absence of self. Enlightenment is only enlightenment. It's not anything else. Enlightenment's not one of the things in the world. You can say, people say all kinds of wonderful things about it, but that is not, that's just people talking. Enlightenment's not like anything. It's only like one thing, self. And the way it's self is through an absence of self, which is another way of saying that it didn't like anything. Enlightenment's like that, and so are you, but you're your self through an absence of your self. That's the only way you can be your self. You're your self through me, and I'm the absence of you. Without all of us, you couldn't be yourself. So we create you.

[52:28]

All things come in forth now and create in us. We're just an object to you. It's a contradiction. We can watch our activities, so we're both in time and space. That's a contradiction. Every dimension that you think about will find your existence is actually contradictory. The fact that you're you, spiritually speaking, implies one thing most of all, that you're not you. And you don't... I say that to you, but all you've got to do is just sit still and be yourself. So just sit still, like I tell people now. Just sit still, and you sit still. And what do they see when they sit still? They see all sorts of stuff. That's what they're, you know, formless, like me. They start sitting there, and they start noticing you swallowing their hair.

[53:29]

They start noticing you swallowing it. Well, that doesn't seem to be a particularly kind of victory. But then he notices that he's uncomfortable seeing himself swallowing, and that doesn't seem kind of victory either. And he thinks, well, the reason why he's uncomfortable swallowing is because he wants to stop bothering the people. That doesn't seem kind of victory either. But then he realizes the reason why he doesn't want to bother the people is because he's afraid that people won't like him. That doesn't seem kind of victory either. I guess maybe that doesn't. But he, little by little, defining himself by this process, and sitting still, reveals a self to him that he didn't know he had. And this guy was sitting there afraid that people wouldn't like him. Somebody else sat still and thought, hey, I'm sitting still, I'm great. And then he felt ashamed of himself because he knew he was great. Because he was sitting still to realize, you know, to become humble. And he sat still and became arrogant. And then he felt ashamed

[54:31]

to be arrogant. Because he doesn't, because of his arrogance, he doesn't want to be arrogant. He wants to be humble because that would be more justified as arrogance. This is the, this is what you start to notice when you just simply admit what's happening now. You start to notice contradictions. And the more you get into it, the more it starts to ramify. And it gets more and more intense. And the more and more you realize, that's who I am. I am an incredibly high energy dynamic thing. Because these contradictions are very dynamic. They don't just sit there and look at each other. They dance constantly. You keep turning over into the next one. You're creating contradictions on top of contradictions on top. Dynamic. Subject-object. Time and space. Birth and death. You and others. This is our life. Contradictions. You and your children. You don't have a mother. You don't have a daughter. Your daughter makes the mother.

[55:31]

You don't have a daughter without a mother. Mother makes the daughter. That's not contradiction there. You can't have a daughter without a mother. I tell you that, that seems like true, right? You can't have a daughter without a mother. That doesn't seem like contradiction, okay? But, there's a contradiction there. The contradiction is that the mother is the daughter. Because the mother is identical to the daughter. Because you can't have one without the other. And one makes the other. You can't have this thing called mother without the daughter. It's identical with the daughter. Through negation. Through contradiction. They're identical. You can not have a contradiction if they're identical. But you can't have one without the other except the proof that there's a contradiction. You can't have two things when you have two things together all the time there's a contradiction. There should be one. And also the children are the mother of the mother.

[56:33]

The child is the mother of the mother. And the mother is the child of the child. Now, this stuff works when it starts to bother you. But look at the situation. Now, I just said that. But look at the situation. You get into situations and pretty soon you start to realize there are situations where the parent is the child of the child. And the child is the parent of the parent. Situations like that occur. And that's actually what it looks like. Everybody can see it. And there's more solid versions of it which you can start to see too. Once you start opening up to this contradictory reality then you start to see things are mostly the opposite of what you think. And mostly it's that your children are your parents. That whole realm out there in multitudes of ways is substantiating the contradiction of the way you see things.

[57:33]

Once you enter that discussion and then you get more and more relieved of the way you think. Which is the point. The way we think is always delusional. Valid or invalid it's always delusional. Because we think it's true. What's delusional? We think it's true. We think something's false. And we also think that we don't even know what we're talking about and we don't have any delusions. But how often do we think like that? Yes? Isn't is what you're talking about being more expansionist? No. I'm talking about being upright in the thinking and as you get upright in the thinking you notice how contradictory the thinking is. I'm not talking about an additional type of thinking. However... But that's what that's what seems to be that you don't have a smooth perspective. There's more and more thinking in this room

[58:36]

which which you said is calm right? That's one of the types of calm in speaking. And so... Are you supposed to be avoiding that? What? Are you supposed to be avoiding that? No. You're not supposed to be avoiding it. Before you came to this class you didn't avoid it. No. No. Did you? And now that you're in class you're not avoiding it either. As a matter of fact it's almost like it's accelerating it sounds like. It's not accelerating. You're just becoming you're just becoming more honest. You're following my instruction in being honest. You're noticing how busy your mind is. And and even on top of all the business you're also part of a new thing that may be stopping that. There's another another thing you can do. So then that's fine too. In fact your minds are really active. And the more still you sit the more

[59:38]

you realize how active your mind is. When you sit really still you just realize you're sitting in the middle of a you know a blasphemous a book. And I understand you know what I have and what I didn't know about. And it was threatening also much like it was. And you know it was really interesting and you know it's interesting. You know it's funny sometimes enemies are part of crimes like this. Who does live you know surrounded by innumerable enemies. And even on Buddha's enlightening life he said I'm gonna sit still. When you sit still what happens? Everybody freaks out. The whole universe freaks out when one person sits still. And

[60:40]

one of the ways it freaks out is it starts sending armies of enemies at you. But those enemies are coming to help you to purify your stillness. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't protect your child from danger. It means that that's exactly what you should do. You should protect children from danger. You should protect all sentient beings from danger even the enemy you should protect from danger. And the way to protect the enemy and your children and yourself from danger is don't move. And then again don't move. And the more you don't move the more things freak out around you. There's still action involved in not moving. No. There's action. You're doing actions all the time. Yes. You're doing actions with regards to the enemy. Yes. But you might be saying enemy please back off four steps. Enemy stop.

[61:41]

You might be saying this and that. Or you might be just thinking enemy I wish you would go away. Or you might be asking somebody else if you can just talk to that person so that person can hear anything you need to do. And you might even be standing like this looking in his eyes. This is action. That's not uprightness. Uprightness is in the middle of standing like this in the middle of talking to a lawyer about the situation and the thing that you need to Then you might standing like this you like this looking at and Patriotism of the West of England, community of the West of England, a lovely community of children. You can feel all those things. You can live with them daily.

[62:42]

And from that comes a response, which will be mostly to help the young, the self, the children, and everybody else. So I'm saying on top of it, right on top of it, the right to be effective. It's not the least bit in addition. It's not the slightest bit in addition to your life. But it's your life being right on top of your life. And in particular, it's not just your general life, but specifically, and most importantly, the pivot of your life is your self. It's the self part of your life that particularly people have trouble sitting on. They sometimes don't have trouble sitting on their distractions. In other words, feeling like a distraction. But to sit at the self, that's essential. That's the place where life meets death. That's the place where pain occurs,

[63:44]

at the edge of the sense of self, where pain occurs, where you meet the other. The other bothers you. The kind of life we have is that the other hurts us, disturbs us. And the reason why it disturbs us is because it's not other. And to think that it's other doesn't go with the reality of what we are, because what we are is we're a contradictory being. We are the other. And of course, we're not just the other because that wouldn't be a contradiction. We're also not the other. If we were the other, then it would be A equals A. But I am you and I am not you. You are me and you are not me. How do we get on that? I think you were next. Mary. It's a contradiction.

[64:56]

You see everything such that you can hardly really make any sort of rational decision. I mean, I don't know. And that it seems like you just sort of have to, I guess, take absolute faith in making some decision to prevent what you're doing. I don't know what you have to say about decision-making. The same thing I said to your last question, you said. You always make... You're constantly making decisions every moment. You never don't make a decision. Faith here, faith in just sitting and being upright, means that you are obedient to your own decisions. You make decisions constantly and you accept them and you're obedient to them. You take responsibility that you're constantly making decisions. You can say they're rational, but if you look at them more carefully, you'll see they're irrational. But if you say they're irrational, I won't sit there either, and you'll see that they're rational. They can't be irrational purely.

[66:01]

They can only be irrational in an absolutely kind of victory way, and vice versa. But rational or irrational, you don't miss a beat. You make decisions every moment. And we do not make decisions before we make them, but the nature of our delusion is that a lot of Zen students always ask, well, how do you make decisions? And the reason why they do that is, they've had a problem with this, because they think that you can sort of work up to a decision. But you can't. You decide to not make a decision, to not make a decision, to not make... Every step of the way you're making decisions is right up to the decision in which you make it. But because of our deluded way of thinking, we get very upset, because the way we think applied to decision-making is misery. But if you practice uprightness in relationship to decision-making, it's not miserable. It's just being honest that you're making decisions right along the way.

[67:03]

If you decide to leave this room at a certain time, you just decided. If you decide to leave this room at 9.30, you just decided to leave this room at 9.30. If you leave before 9.30, or when you leave before 9.30, that means that you decided to leave before 9.30. If you walk out the door at 9.26, that was your decision. You always do make your decisions. You always do what you want. I propose that. And again, the reason why I propose that is because I find that is the way of freedom. And also I find that that is the way that requires the most attention, the most honesty, and the most courage. It's the most intense, and it's the opposite of the way people think. And it also is freeing you from pain. If you flinch from it, however, you can be quite scared because people tell you that you really need to live that way. This is the command. I'm trying to do some business with him.

[68:07]

I'm making a decision now, as many as you can. I'm actually making a decision to make a decision today. What you did is you made a decision to think that thought that you made a decision. Next weekend you might not go, right? You might not go. Or next weekend you might go. The decision in this case is that you make a decision to think that thought. Your decision was to think that thought that you're going to go on vacation. Or even to tell your wife that you're going to go on a vacation. And you decided to do that. Or you might decide, well, I'm not going to think about going on vacation. But you do that right now. When time comes for a vacation, there's a whole new decision to be made whether you're going to follow through or not. That would be another decision. You can only make decisions in the present. You can plan in the present, too. But when you plan, what you're planning is just the thought of the thing, which is fine. You don't ever do that thing, ever.

[69:09]

It never happens. But when you do think that way, if you do not think that way, again, it's just another way of thinking. Like somebody said, I'm not going to plan. That's just anti-planning. It's just another way of doing it. And the question is, when you do that, do you think? You can do that on your own, by your own power. If you do, then that's karma. And again, most people do things that way, so what I'm saying is, don't try to stop yourself from being that way. Just be honest that that's what you're doing. And if you're thoroughly honest about it, you'll see the other side. Namely, everything comes forward and makes that happen. Marcin, I think you were next to me. Well, nothing can really exist without self-truth. And so when you say you are the other person, you are also not the other person. That's certainly true, because you can only testify for yourself, and the other can only testify for you.

[70:10]

So when you tell her that she can't be the mother without a daughter, you're really the same person. Which is what you've been saying all along. What I'm saying, actually, is that there's one person in the universe, but we don't think so. That I cannot exist without without all these people and these things. Life is one thing. And it's infinite. Life is one thing. It's infinite, unbounded, that's what life is. And in that, there is the awareness of death. And the awareness of death creates itself. And the self thinks it's separate from other lives, or other persons. And then life gets squished. And then life goes away. And away is the place to meditate. Away is the place to study, because that's the place where you're squishing, where the awareness of death is squishing life.

[71:16]

The self. Beautiful. It sounds to me as if you were always all beings, or someone here, so you're all sentient beings. Is there a difference between you and sentient beings? Yeah. Sentient beings are beings that have psychological problems. So in a sense, all the trees are alive, a part of life, and they're our teachers. Because if we were more like trees, they're giving us doggy instruction all the time. As far as I know, trees do not have psychological problems, as animals do. No, it's based on... I think that animals can have neurotic fixations and neurotic miseries without the sense of self. I think, for example, dogs,

[72:17]

I feel that they have emotional capacity. I think one of the main things about dogs, I think they have the emotional capacity to identify with our suffering. But they can't understand why we have the problem if they're still sympathizing with us. So they're driven. They're really having a hard time by their rapport and empathy for us. But they can't figure out what the problem is, but they know it's something really bad. And they have nightmares and stuff, you know. And they kind of want to learn from us, too. They're kind of like looking for us to get it together. But trees, I don't think trees are that bothered by our problems. It's more like a mandala than a hierarchy in the sense that human beings have a particular problem because we can be more deluded than any other creature that we know about. Now, we might be wrong, but we know of no other creature,

[73:18]

I know of no other creature, and I haven't heard of any of the Buddhist scriptures or anything, or any Buddhist teachers I've met. I've never heard of anybody pointing out any other animal that approaches us in a level of delusion and arrogance and a sense of self-power. I just, you know, sometimes it seems like certain animals are spreading this stuff, you know. But the level of pride seems to be, you know, the pride of lions, right? But that's mostly our projection, I think. I don't think they're as proud as we think they are. I mean, they're incredible, but I think some of the problems, some of our delusion, some of our arrogance, some of our beliefs, I just don't think animals have. Therefore, they don't have the problems and therefore they don't have the misery, so therefore they're not handling as much stuff as we are. So we have a particularly important

[74:20]

and precious role in the universe as the beings who apparently can see death outside of themselves. But this is also part of the way we can save ourselves and others, because the fact that we see death outside of ourselves is exactly why death is our life and why our life will not end. I was just going to ask you, have you ever been in a situation where you feel that you want what's right, what's right, and you feel that you want what's right, what's right, and that's part of it? Well, I don't want to say that yet. I don't. But, I don't want my attachment to my wife to turn. I mean, I'm happy just to let it be that way. That doesn't mean a problem.

[75:21]

I do want my attachment to my daughter to turn. In fact, my attachment to my wife is turning, and my attachment to my daughter is not turning. But, that wasn't a very good example, because you couldn't see me when you fall off your cushion. Maybe I could find something that really follows me more. I don't know. Well, the aging process, there are certain aspects of the aging process which I like. But,

[76:33]

there's something about it, there's something about it that, I'm not, you know, I don't, there's something about it that I'm not, I'm not hoping, you know, it will change, and that's changing. And there's something else about it that I, I hope will change, and that's not changing. And, in fact, the thing that, going in the opposite direction from my plan, is kind of like, the more I get into that, the better I feel in a way. First of all, I feel bad about it. It bothers me, this kind of thing. But the more I settle into that, the more I feel like I'm really, you know, I just feel like I'm tuning in to a much bigger world. You know, I feel, I feel like I'm in the right place. You know, I face this contradiction. It's like my true address, or something. I wonder if you, I can't quite say it,

[77:34]

but if you can remember, when you were here, and, the story that elicits the, I guess this is my home life, about this being a rare occurrence in the universe, that a turtle, who lives up in the world's oceans, who lives up in the world's oceans, what is his name? Yeah. Well, there's a story trying to illustrate the rarity of the opportunity to have the problems we have. And that is, that if a turtle lived in the ocean, like at the bottom of the deep ocean, and came up once every hundred years, in the ocean, and there was, on the ocean, a yolk, or a life preserver, or something, something that the turtle could put his head up to, in some place on the ocean, that thing was floating around, and a turtle would come up. You've likely heard of a meeting, of those two meetings,

[78:35]

with a turtle coming up once every hundred years, as an analogy, or an approximation to how rare the opportunity to be a human being is. And it's a golden yolk, for some reason. I guess it's all the more rare that it would be a golden yolk. It's true, I didn't know that. I just told you the truth. Yes. But that's the thing of duration. This is the thing of likelihood. He was telling how you tell, how you get an estimate of an eon, of how long it will take

[79:37]

to wear it on a mountain by every hundred years, stroking it with a, with a mask on his arm, with a golden scarf. Yes. You said that the universe is one. Well, I said that, but that's pretty good, too. I think I said life is one. Life is one person. Which is really important. Death is a transformation. Do you know about death? Death is the murder of a child. And the way life is,

[80:38]

is that there's death. The fact that life is that way, I mean, there is no death, really, because death is just part and parcel of life. There's no meaning aside from life, so there's no independent thing called death. Death is what gives our life the quality of life that we have. Every life we have is this kind of life, of necessity. We give back the kind we have. And when our life has that quality, when it has the death quality in it, it's really alive. But when we try to go away from that by our power, or avoid it or whatever, then our life is hurt. Life for me,

[81:41]

has a death quality in it, because there's no me, aside from the awareness of the end of me. So life for me, is born of death. That's the kind of life I have. And again, it may not be the same for trees, but the kind of life they have may not have death in it for them. But again, it's part of the unique role of human beings, even in trees. Trees show us how to sit. We keep trees about death. The only way we can keep trees about death is to also inherit the self, which is one of our awareness of death. So we never really get distracted from our method to share the trees that think about death. Because we get all hung up on our self and the misery around that, and we start flinching from that, and we suffer. We don't notice this wonderful dynamic that we just suffered, which gave rise to our egoism. Life for me, is inseparable from death. And death for me,

[82:44]

I believe, will be inseparable from life. But death is very much a part of my life, and when it isn't part of my life, my life is really kind of sick. And my life sometimes does get sick exactly because I forget about death. Even though I'm dancing with it because it makes me. It's basically ignorance and denial that's happening. And I'm the one who loses, and everybody around me loses because they're connected to me and they're feeling sorry for me and getting all sick too by the occasion of my lack of awareness. But the same way, when I become aware of my death, and tuning to my life, everywhere I go makes people happy. They don't feel like my awareness of death is what's making me happy. They feel that my health

[83:46]

and my life is coming to me from my life and my death. That really helps people. They don't even know that you're showing them an example of what would give them their life. Again, they get a contact of empathy for that. Now some people are not awake so they don't even notice it. Yes. I don't think human beings try to avoid death. I don't think actually we do. That's not avoiding death though. Because for us, for human beings to fight to stay alive is to fight to stay alive in a life that's so wonderful because of death. I think what we avoid is not death. I think what we avoid is pain.

[84:46]

Which is a deep animal hazard. Which is no longer indicated for our life to avoid pain. Now pain is not something we should avoid. Other animals don't avoid pain. Neither do we. Except they move away from it if they can. There's not any pain. They move away from certain stimuli. I think it's the pain that we deny and we ignore and we flinch from. And then we miss the whole show because all the good stuff is happening right around the pain. Because the cause of the pain which is very dynamic which is the way we're connected to people if we look away from the pain we don't see that, we don't see that we don't see the cause of the pain because the pain goes on anyway plus we don't see what's behind the pain. And then your life is just saying, hey, this isn't happening. I think it's not so much I don't think it's death I think it's pain.

[85:49]

Pain and fear. And I don't think we're afraid of anything. We're afraid of fear. There really isn't any death out there anymore because our life totally includes it. Death is not external. We'd like to make it that way when we're in our denial mode but it's the kind of life we have. And again I say when a life doesn't have death in it we're not very alive. So the Buddha from the Upanishad said the reason for the Buddha the reason why the Buddha, according to the logic of becoming a Buddha is that the way you become a Buddha is always to do what's beneficial for others. Even if it means you should do something which is not good for you which is not good for me

[86:52]

to kill anybody. But it is good for the it means to stop a murder from murdering is good for the murderer and also good for the other people to be protected from murder. It appears that if you kill 499 people by oneself then killing more than one person is worse than killing one. So the Buddha sacrificed his own well-being in order to protect the murderer and protect the person. That kind of attitude although it may hurt you relatively and cause you lots of trouble in the way the world works it sets up these spiritual possibilities which are born as a concern for what are others which is the reverse of the way we are here to think. That's why the story is part of this evolution to be a Buddha.

[87:54]

And the Buddha didn't have to do it somehow. Cleaner Buddha, you don't put in this kind of situation. Because, you know, you don't have to evolve anymore. And actually there is that element in our life right now where there are certain situations you're in and you don't have to evolve. All you have to do is be yourself. Other things you have to play well with yourself and be a producer. You're talking about something different but I think it's a little bit close to

[88:55]

what you're talking about. You're talking about what happens if all the rest of the world is filled with death and so on. There's five theories and one of these theories is death. People are afraid of death. The other one is fear of living in the world. The other one is fear of living in a flat world. The other one is fear of living in a meditation. Living in a good meditation. Living in a bad meditation. And the other is fear of speaking in four languages. I don't know. And you can see that that's funny because when you're speaking in four languages you see it's played on itself

[89:55]

other things. In some ways, although people are often surprised by that one like you're kind of surprised, right? It actually plays into the fundamental fear which is of the other. And all these other things are actually other states of mind, another livelihood set up, what people think of you is going to get changed, and death. So, yeah, I think people are afraid of death. But when you're afraid of death, at that point, in some ways, you're not in denial about it. I was more related to what we denied. And I think fundamentally we move away from death. We actually do try to move away from death. Whereas death, although we're afraid of it, at some point we'll see it.

[90:47]

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