we had at Zen Center. They were at Tassajara. Before Tassajara, Zen Center didn't have practice periods. First practice periods were not called practice periods. They were called training periods. Now we usually say practice periods. Yeah, so we had these periods for practice periods for training, periods for devotion to practices, devotion to a lot of different things could be trained at during these periods that we have. And this is an intense opportunity for that, or an opportunity to do that intensively. And as I approach this, I want to be careful because what you might want to train at might be different from what another person wants to train at, or what you want to... the precepts you might want to train at, the precepts you might want to be devoted to during these three weeks might be different from your neighbor.

[01:37]

And I think we can, I hope we can tolerate that because that's the situation. We have slightly different practices or issues we'd like to train at. It's the beginning of a year and the beginning of the intensive. And so it's kind of a good time to bring up, for example, the issue of New Year's resolution. Well, it's like a vow. New Year's determination. Do you have something you're determined to work on this year? something you'd like to commit to work on this year.

[02:42]

So we have the expression in English, New Year's resolution. We don't usually say New Year's vow. It's more common to say New Year's resolution. At the beginning of chapter 8 of the great vehicle treatise called in Sanskrit, Samdhi Nirmocana Sutra, in the beginning of chapter 8, which is on meditation or yoga practice for bodhisattvas, the bodhisattva Maitreya asked the Buddha, based on what does the bodhisattva practice tranquility and insight?

[03:45]

And the Buddha says, based on an unwavering resolution to attain unsurpassed, complete, perfect enlightenment and teach it, and teach the Dharma, which has been realized perfectly, completely. That's what the Buddha told Maitreya is what bodhisattva's meditation is based on. But there's other answers to that question. So it basically, you know, the issue is at the beginning is the issue of faith. What, you know, so we say New Year's resolution, but we don't usually say to people, what is your faith this year? But really the resolution probably references or might reference faith.

[04:51]

And faith is a word which I have lots of connotations and confusion about and feelings about. I often, in a kind of informal way, say that for me, faith is what I bet on. It's what I bet my life on. Or, you know, it's my main bet. A lot of people who practice Zen are shy of the word belief. But anyway, the issue is what's most important in life to you at this time? Or another expression is what's your ultimate concern in life? So that's, I think, a good thing to look at every, every day.

[05:58]

What's the most important thing again? Oh yeah, right. But also, at the beginning of a period of training, to ask that question of ourselves, what's most important? in my life, not so much what should be most important for you. What's most important for me, for you, that I could say. Like, for example, for me, most important for me might be that you would be at peace. But that might not be what's most important to you. Some people actually might look and they say, most important thing for me is to get revenge on that person over there. But still for me, maybe, most important for me might be that they let go of that. So please consider now, at the beginning of the year, what's the most important thing in life for you and what's your greatest wish for this world and all living beings.

[07:13]

That's kind of like looking, exploring your faith. Then there's the next step in a way, which is aspiration. So I'll just tell you what, you know, I don't try to talk you into my faith. But my faith is, for example, I do kind of trust that if I loosen these knobs here, could you loosen that one over there? And I go like this, and I go like this too. See, at first I thought if I would loosen this, I could pin it, but then I changed my mind. Now I think if I loosen both of them, maybe this thing will pivot. without scratching the real estate. And now we have another side.

[08:21]

And if we had some chalk, I could write on here. Is there any chalk in that chest back there? Anyway, back here. Here we go, back. Until the shock comes. So, my aspiration, what's most important to me, I wish for it. I aspire to what's most important. Maybe I do. Some people may say, well, such and such is most important, but I don't aspire to it. That's just what's most important. It's too much. I don't have an aspiration. But some people might say, well, I... Such and such is most important, and I wish for it. I aspire to it. Shock.

[09:25]

Thank you so much. Thank you very much. By the way, does anybody know, does this device erase these markers? Not very well. Are these markers suitable for this board? Because I used them just now. Okay, so, you know, for... So I beg your, what's the word?

[10:30]

Indulgence. I beg your indulgence for me to use some big words, which I'll write really small. This, it turns out, is my ultimate concern. It says A-S-S-B. as you might have heard in the Heart Citra. Does it say it in the Heart Citra? Anyatara Samyak Sambodhi. Anyatara Samyak Sambodhi. Is that in the Heart Citra? It is. It means unsurpassed, complete, authentic awakening. That's my ultimate concern. And I have a synonym for it, which I'll write even smaller.

[11:34]

Somebody can read it. Zazen. Zazen is my ultimate concern. which is the same as saying complete perfect enlightenment. And complete perfect enlightenment also includes its realization and its transmission. So the realization of it and the teaching of it, or transmission of it. which is the same thing. The realization of bodhi is the transmission. The realization of awakening is the transmission of awakening. And the transmission of awakening is what liberates beings from greed, hate and delusion and helps them

[12:48]

makes it possible for them to help others be free of greed, hate, and delusion. So this is my faith. What I'm betting on is this. This is also called bodhisattva precepts. BS with a circle around it is bodhisattva. Bodhisattva precepts. zazen, unsurpassed bodhi. This is my ultimate concern. So I suggest, I request that you look inside and see what's your ultimate concern. And then, if you find it, then the question is, do you wish, do you have an aspiration in regard to your ultimate concern?

[13:56]

See if you could find that aspiration. And this is a period of time when you could intensively look for that and inquire into that, that that issue and that aspiration. Then the next step is, do you at this time have a resolution? Are you ready to make a commitment to your aspiration? And again, this is another time to intensively look at whether you are ready to make a resolution to your aspiration to your faith. And if you are, then the other thing would be, well, okay, so if you

[15:13]

if the bodhisattva precepts of enlightenment and zazen, and the zazen of enlightenment, if that's your ultimate concern and you are actually ready to vow to realize it, then the next step would be to practice, to train, to train at the thing that you're aspiring or determining to do. So this morning we had a couple of periods of satsang. We sat in the room there together. Some of the servers were out getting ready for breakfast, but the rest of us, a lot of us, almost all of us were sitting in that room. And it could be the case that some of us were sitting there practicing, training,

[16:24]

at zazen, or actually like training at awakening, moment by moment. And another part of awakening is that it's moment by moment, and that the zazen that some people, for example me, aspire to is an uninterrupted practice. I aspire to a zazen that is not and cannot be interrupted. Its nature is that it's uninterrupted. It's free of the mental constructions which interrupt things. It's the way our life is uninterrupted. That is awakening. It's the way we're not interrupted. We dependently co-arise together. We aren't interrupting each other. the life which isn't interrupted, is called zazen.

[17:33]

And you could say, and again, zazen again. But the again is another example of something that didn't get interrupted. Again, it wasn't interrupted. Again, how wonderful that we have a life which is not interrupted. Enlightenment is not interrupted. That's a very clear message from that tradition. Things that are interrupted are, you know, they're okay, but those are delusions. Delusions are interrupted. Like pain is interrupted. Pleasure is interrupted. Confusion is interrupted. Most phenomena are interrupted, but understanding them is uninterrupted and is freedom without getting rid of them. With enlightenment, we aren't trying to get anything or get rid of anything.

[18:43]

And one hearing about that, like me hearing about that, I think, that's what's important to me in life. It's not that I want to get rid of a life where I get things, or get a life where I don't get things, or get a life where I do get things. It's not that. Although there is that, it's being free of that, which is not trying to get rid of that, or get that. getting-getting or getting-not-getting is constantly interrupted. And accepting that completely is uninterrupted. The awakened mind accepts the stress and pain of ongoing interruption and disturbance, which is painful and frightening.

[19:56]

And it's omnipresent. The interruption is omnipresent. The acceptance of it is uninterrupted. One might aspire to that and commit to that and therefore practice that and train at making every moment of sitting a moment of awakening. Not like awakening like I'm going to get awakening. No. This sitting is unsurpassed, complete, perfect enlightenment. This is uninterrupted awakening. This one, this moment, this moment, every moment I'm training to not get distracted from awakening for the welfare of all beings. I'm training because without training I seem to get distracted. It's not that I don't think of other things, it's just that while I'm thinking of them, I'm not distracted.

[21:05]

This is a training opportunity. We had one, not one, we had many of them this morning in the Zendo. Each moment, we were sitting there, and each moment, there was a Zazen with us in the room. which was uninterrupted and which we could make, we could devote, we could train our sitting for the sake of realizing that. We don't have to make that zazen, it's always present. But if we don't train at it, well, we don't realize it. The bodhisattva precepts are always present, but if we don't train at them, we don't realize them. So this is a way that I suggest I'm offering to start this intensive is to look at what's... I'm talking about what's my aspiration, my faith, and my vow, and the training I want to do during this intensive is I want to train at realizing uninterrupted

[22:24]

Zazen, uninterrupted. Anyatar Samyak Sambodhi. In the chant, which we will do at noon, which we did yesterday at noon service and we might do again, there's a part of it where it speaks of the, what is it? the unceasing, unthinkable, unnameable Buddha Dharma. Unceasing, unthinkable, unnameable, unstoppable, unavoidable, uninterrupted. What? Buddha Dharma. Buddha Dharma is like that. And our practice, which is being discussed in that chant, is to be focused on the Dharma which is like that. In other words, the truth which is uninterrupted and make our practice join that, realize that truth so our practice is like the Dharma.

[23:30]

Uninterrupted, unthinkable, unnameable, unstoppable, unavoidable, Buddhadharma practice. and a story which you've heard already many times. One of the Zen ancestors, his name was Zuigan. Supposedly, when he got up in the morning, he checked every morning to see what his faith was. He said to himself, Master. He was a master. Master. Yes. You'd say yes. Master. Yes. Are you awake? Yes. Master of awakening. Yes. Are you awake? Yes. All day long. Don't get distracted. I won't. Supposedly he did that every morning. You know, you could do it every morning.

[24:36]

You could check. And you can do it throughout the day. That's the last line. All day long. No matter what you're doing. Also I was going to just a little thing I was going to mention was that I'm going through books in the house where I live and giving a lot of them away. Yes? I hear you. And so one of them, so I had this little box of pamphlets. And one of the problems is that when I look at them, it slows the process down. So one of them, which I forgot to bring, which I was going to show you, just a little pamphlet

[25:47]

quite old, probably 50 years old, or even more. And I think it was written by a Theravada Buddhist. And it starts out by talking about practice. And first it talks about, I think it talks about lay people's practice. And then it said, for lay people, practice can be kind of like intensive practice, or it can be just daily life. And by intensive, he explained what intensive means. Intensive means that you would like make a place in your house and you would sit maybe for half an hour in meditation and maybe read a scripture. That would be an intensive practice. And then the daily life practice would be, you just practice through your daily life.

[26:51]

So he used the sitting to intensify the practice of the Buddha Dharma. And then he said, for monastics, they also have intensive periods and daily life periods. So in a monastery you also, or if you're a monk or a nun, you also have intensive periods of training where you might meditate more than a half an hour, you might meditate quite a few hours a day during a certain period of time, and then other times just your daily life, like walking around begging or whatever. So both for lay people, the person pointed out that both for lay people and monks, there's an alternation between intensive practice and less intensive. This is a Theravada teacher.

[27:56]

And then I thought, oh yeah, and we have this manual, this kind of large book, which we call The Standard Observances of the Soto School. which is a big book about rituals for priests. It's a priest manual. And it has lots of rituals and practices in the first section of the book called Daily Practices. And it lists all the daily practices, like, for example, sitting meditation, service, chanting service, formal meals, work meeting, and so on. But all the activities on a daily basis are described and how to do them is explained.

[29:00]

And then the next section is called monthly practices. So there are some practices you do not every day, but once or twice a month. And then the next section is called annual practices. There's some practices you do once a year. For example, you do Buddha's enlightenment once a year, Buddha's parinirvana once a year, Buddha's birthday once a year. And there's several other practices you do once a year. And then the last section is called occasional practices, like ordination ceremonies, for example. or someone becoming abbot or stepping down as abbot, or someone being appointed as head monk for the practice period, or the ceremony of dharma discussion with the head monk for a practice period. Those are occasional practices.

[30:03]

So part of what is involved is I remember Gregory Bateson said one time, human beings or life has rhythm and religion also has rhythm. So we have practice periods and intensives and then we have spaces between them. And during the intensive, we intensify Or during a day, we go and intensify the meditation in the zendo. And then we let it get a little looser or softer after sitting. And then we intensify it. So our life, our heart, has these rhythms of squeezing and letting go, intensifying and lightening.

[31:07]

So that's part of our practice. And during the intensive, this is the time when we most squeeze or get precise and look at all that more in detail than we do during the rest of the year. So this is a good time. And then understand that the intensive ends and then the practice will change. But it still should have these two elements of an intense aspect and a relaxed aspect, going back and forth. One other thing is that the Zen Center, the City Center, is also giving away some of its books.

[32:22]

And in the process, somehow I was contacted because they had a lot of copies of the large sutra on perfect wisdom, which they were looking to see if somebody would like to take care of it. And I said, I'll take care of it. And so they sent it out, and Sonia and the guest students collated all these different chapters of the large sutra and put it together into copies of the large sutra. This large sutra means the Pancha Vimshanti Sutra, Prajnaparamita Sutra. The Prajnaparamita is the perfect wisdom sutra in 25,000 lines. So if you would like your own copy of this, it's like separate chapters sort of tied together. If you'd like a copy of the Large Sutra on Perfect Wisdom, Sonia can explain to you where it is or get them for you.

[33:31]

Okay, Sonia? So we have quite a few copies which, if you'd like to have the large Sutra on Perfect Wisdom, it's available to you to take care of and to realize while you're at it. Pardon? There's 43. Yeah, there's only 43. Would you say that again?

[34:42]

You mean if they wanted to buy one or check it out of the library? It's called the Large Sutra. It says the Large Sutra on Perfect Wisdom and it's translated by Edward Kansa. And it's the bound version that I've seen is usually yellow. I'll put some on the reserve shelf. We have it in the library. Okay. Okay. Okay. I thought maybe I would, in future meetings, go into some more discussion of training.

[35:56]

Training in what? In the bodhisattva path of unsurpassed, complete, perfect enlightenment But maybe what I said this morning is enough to sort of explore and see if by any chance you wish to realize awakening for the welfare of the world. And then, again, if so, then I'd be happy to bring up ways to train at that. But before I do, I thought it'd be better just to let you look to see where you're at. Yes?

[37:02]

Can you talk about devotion just now? I'm actually using them synonymously. All three? Yeah, like training in the bodhisattva path, training in the bodhisattva precepts. I've seen like, I look at different translations of a number of Buddhist texts, and sometimes the same text is translated as training in bodhisattva precepts, and the next translation says devotion to bodhisattva precepts. So, to me, it makes sense if I'm training at something that I'm devoted to it. Like if I'm training at cooking, I'm devoted. If I'm training at learning how to cook, I'm devoted to learning how to cook. So, devotion... You know, I think it might be nice to say, you know, to say devotion period as a synonym for practice period. It's a time to be devoted to Zen,

[38:04]

to Zazen. It's a time to be devoted to Buddha's enlightenment, a time to be devoted to studying the Dharma, a time to be devoted to talking to the teacher about your practice, a time to be devoted to many practices. But that could also be called practice period. Yes. Something I noticed, and it makes me kind of irked, I suppose, like this faith in Anantaras and Yaksa Bodhi. It's almost like an embarrassment to admit that that's your aspiration. Like, it's much more common for people to kind of frame their faith in the path as being kind of moving toward a more conventional understanding of mental health.

[39:13]

And, like, yeah, like, how to hold both of those kinds of faith with some equanimity but not sacrifice. That profound, like, unfathomable faith for a kind of more digestible project of mental health or optimal ease in one's life. Because it seems to be selling the teachings really short. It could. It could. And just, yeah, I just, like when you were saying that. Or not necessarily should tell you. Could everybody hear what he said? It wouldn't necessarily be selling the teaching short. It would just be, this is a concern for mental health, but it might not be the Buddha Dharma. So you're not selling the Buddha Dharma short when you say, that would be helpful.

[40:14]

Being committed to unsurpassed, complete, perfect enlightenment, if you ever wanted to help somebody's mental health, you would be better able to do so. But the path of complete awakening, if it would help you become free of mental illness, for me to become mentally ill, I would be able to do that with the aid of awakening. So optimal ease and so on, are that you're not trying to get it or get rid of it. And that will help you with people who want ease and want to get it. You can maybe help them do that. And then after they do that, maybe they can go to the Zen Dome. Like some people, they can't go in the Zen Dome until they feel more at ease.

[41:21]

Some people walk into the Zen Dome and they open the door and they say, no way, close it. It's like, eww. Like one of the people who became actually an abbot said the first time she went into the Zen door, she looked in the room and she said, this is a room you can make a mistake. So there's something awesome about the situation. And people are ready for it. Well, then we sometimes give them a really nice vegetarian meal. And then they say, can I go in the window now? When you said irked, what does irked mean, by the way? A pivot has happened recently in my heart. And still, in environments like this, I feel embarrassed to say this, because it's not normal, I suppose. I'm not interested in what

[42:25]

Buddhism can't offer me anymore. This is what I can offer the longevity of the teachings of my life. And I just, it's just the fact that that aspiration, I feel very lonely in that aspiration. Very lonely? Yeah. And, like, it's rare to find resonance with people on, like, that kind of almost, like, epic scope of what bodies have is, if you read the text, it's framed interdimensionally, trans-universally, multiversally. It's wild. It's trippy. And I'm starting to actually have faith that might actually not just be metaphor. And to have faith and aspiration in that context, It's vast and disorienting and it's strange and beautiful, but I don't necessarily feel like I have company.

[43:29]

Well, there are stories which go like, yes, you do have company, that you have innumerable bodhisattvas. are in your company. You are in good company. However, you can't see the innumerable bodhisattvas who are in company with you on that practice. You can see six bodhisattvas You can't see all of them. But that's what they're all into. And I think, so for me the word embarrassing goes really well with that situation. I just wonder what you meant by irked. And maybe you're afraid of irking other people if you would tell them. Yeah, like if you mention that level of commitment to the path, people get pissed off. Yeah. And we have a chapter in the Lotus Sutra about that. You know that one? Yeah. So if you're like that, you go up to people and you say, you know, I'm not going to say you're not going to be completely enlightened.

[44:39]

You are going to be completely enlightened. If you say that to people, a lot of people would find that irksome. Is there such a word as irksome? Yeah. Stop talking to me that way. So they would find that disorienting if you would tell them that they are going to attain unsurpassed enlightenment, they might find that quite irksome. And you might feel like they're not really your companion. Even though the person who said that felt like these people were her companion. You are my companion. I'm going to realize, this is Shakyamuni Buddha, right, in a past life. I'm going to realize complete enlightenment with you and you are going to do it with me. You're my companion. And people say, stop talking to me like that. It's really annoying. How many people have heard the story about me giving my grandson his bicycle? Quite a few.

[45:42]

So my grandson was a lucky, fortunate recipient of a beautiful new bicycle, which was bought for him in San Francisco, but he lived in Los Angeles. So I volunteered, I was going to Santa Barbara, so I volunteered to drive the bicycle down to Santa Barbara. He came there, I gave him the bicycle, and he started riding around in the parking lot, and after he rode it for a while, I said, well, do you like your new bicycle? And he says... And his mother was pregnant with another baby who was known to be a girl. And he said, well, he didn't really say yes, he liked it. He said, when she's born, she can't ride my bicycle. And I said, By the time she can write it, you'll be in college and you won't be writing it anymore."

[46:55]

And he said, well, she still can't write it. And I said, but you'll be a completely different person at the time. You don't know how you're going to feel. And he said, that's totally incomprehensible. So if you share your bodhisattva vows with people, they might find what you're saying totally incomprehensible. And you yourself said that you find this new perspective disorienting. So the enlightenment's disorienting to a delusion. And then it then disorients other delusions. So it's part of normally... Disorientation is something that we need to train at being upright and undisturbed by disorientation because consciousness is disorienting.

[48:01]

But we have trainings so you can remember your orientation in the middle of a disorienting situation which is normal. disorienting visions and then disorientation in terms of how your relationship with other people are going to change if you practice. This is normal. For me it's embarrassing and for other people I'm irksome. We're all getting disoriented but there's training methods to deal with the disorientation. Without without suppressing the disorienting energy that's normal. The wind and the storm of consciousness will go on, but we can learn to surf it. Yes? I was really happy when I came in the room and wrote the word devotion, because I had a couple of discussions over the last weeks with people around this topic.

[49:08]

of the relationship between devotion and responsibility. Because somehow, at least in German, the word in-gabe devotion is kind of like implying that you're giving yourself, you're surrendering, give yourself totally to something. And somehow that also has this picture of any giving up the responsibility. So I read this discussion about this relationship between devotion and being responsible. Would you like to talk about that? Yeah, so it's not clear how devotion goes with faith. But it's clear how devotion goes with resolution.

[50:09]

Once you have made a commitment or a resolution, then devotion is part of your responsibility. Once you commit, then devotion becomes your responsibility. Before you commit, you don't necessarily understand that devotion is your responsibility. So a lot of people, some of the people you know over in Germany, they were afraid to receive the Bodhisattva precepts where they commit to them because they realized if they commit to them, then they have to be devoted to them. before they commit, it's like, I aspire to the bodhisattva precepts. Yeah. But if I don't, no problem. But if I commit, then if I'm not devoted after I commit, then we have a situation called really uncomfortable.

[51:11]

Because once you commit, you are responsible. I mean, you're admitting it. you're saying you are. So then devotion. And so we should be careful about that, not to be careful about it, not to make commitments which entail responsibility for a level of devotion we're not ready for. So some people want to make various commitments. I've heard, they've told me, And I'm very careful not to go along with that until they know what it's like to be devoted to what they want to commit to. So we have a period of testing and oftentimes they find out they do not want to be devoted to it. It's just too hard. It's too difficult. These discussions I had were more on the other side. Maybe that's even a pretty German topic, because one of the German speakers .

[52:20]

All right, so this is a word that refers to maybe the obedience of a soldier, giving up all responsibility. You just follow the order, no matter what, even if you're going to die. So this kind of devotion that's sometimes an advantage of that is, OK, I just follow the order. I'm not responsible. And people sometimes seem to be afraid of being responsible for their actions. So the word devotion, that was the topic of the discussion. How can you devote yourself or give yourself completely to something? still be responsible for your actions and for the outcome. Not giving over your responsibility, even though you're devoting yourself.

[53:26]

Part of the training, in some sense, the first part of the training is to give everything away. But that's the beginning of the training. That's not having no responsibility. You give away your responsibility, too. And it's your responsibility to give away your responsibility. And if you give away what you're supposed to, if you give away, you have just fulfilled your responsibility for the moment. And you don't stop being responsible. You continue to be responsible. It's not like the person who commanded me to do it is responsible, but I'm not. It's not that understanding. Yeah, I guess the understanding you're bringing up is if that person tells me to do it and I do it, I'm not responsible.

[55:05]

This other person is. Or this tradition is, yeah. So see if you can find an example of this tradition saying, do this, The tradition tells you to do this, and you're not responsible. I can't offhand think of an example of that. But maybe you can find one, we can talk about it. Yes? Maybe a piece of that in there, like you just... Maybe I want to see who or what I'm committing to in the first place. That's the first step before I let go or surrender.

[56:07]

And then maybe I accept the consequences. Maybe it's accepting the consequences of what I do. Well, what I'm putting up here is you get to look and see what your faith is. That's basically what you might eventually surrender to. People can have faith and not surrender to their faith. you know, I believe in this, I think it would be good, that's what I want to do, so that I believe in it, I have confidence in it, my faith, I wish to do it, my aspiration, but I'm not committing to it yet. I'm not surrendering to it yet. But once I surrender, then do you have some question? Yeah. I was just having this discussion with the guest students last week, and one of them brought up a story of a pilot who was directed to use a suicide mission, and he was directed to hit a boat of a lot of people.

[57:32]

And thinking about his day, when he took the flight, he missed the boat and went into the ocean himself. It was somewhere he kind of kept his commitment to it. Somehow he put his faith in it. In my mind, it was a possibility to put his faith in his commitment or his obedience to something relative. I didn't understand what your question is. It wasn't a question so much. I was just thinking of Michael's inquiry about how you do these two things together. Surrendering, when you might be asked to do something and it's not what your inner concern is. Or your bigger concern is.

[58:35]

Are you talking about, yes, I'm still not understanding what you're saying. I was talking about surrender to your own commitments. So what was his commitment that he surrendered to? he was on a suicide mission, and rather than take other people's lives, he... No, but what was the commitment? What was the commitment? To not taking life. Not taking life. So, if he was committed to not taking life, then he did, he followed his commitment. So I don't understand the question. It sounded like a straightforward example of him feeling responsibility to not take life, and he followed his responsibility.

[59:39]

Your example is what I think is pretty simple. I don't know if it addresses Michael's question, but your example is here's his commitment and he followed it, which seems fine, which seems great. That's like, that's called peace when you're in accord with your vows. when you make vows and you're not responsible to them, then there's stress. Now, even without vows, people have stress. The vow I'm talking about is a vow that people who have faith, aspiration, and vows or resolutions, their problem is they don't follow through. And so they're in training so that they'll follow through. People who have not made the vows They don't have that problem. They have other problems. Yes? Well, he might not have meant to take his life.

[60:51]

But he might not have had the intention of killing himself. He just didn't want to... If I die in the process of not killing other people, it doesn't mean I'm trying to kill myself. That's what you heard. I didn't hear it that way. I heard that he did not kill other people and he died in the process. So, yeah, I think I will die. I hope to die in the process of not killing other people. It seems to me why he got in the plane in the first place. If he had a vow not to hurt anybody, how he would possibly put on a soldier's uniform and enter into a system that involves killing is already a violation of what sounds like his profound intention not to harm. Well, maybe he woke up to it as he was flying.

[61:54]

This is a movie? He may have been disoriented to the Bodhisattva vow when he started flying, and then he woke up to it. When he actually saw it, killing those people, he said, I don't want to do that. And he veered away from killing them in the process. Like that, you know, there's another story, it's kind of complicated, but anyway, it's a story about a guy who wanted to kill another guy. And so he went to kill him. And so he pointed his gun at the guy who he wanted to kill. And as he was pulling the trigger, the guy's daughter stepped in front of the guy. And he shot the gun. Fortunately, it was blanks.

[62:56]

And when he saw the girl come in front, he woke up. that he didn't want to kill anybody, but it took the girl to wake him up. And fortunately, he didn't kill her. She was the one who would have got killed. So he woke up. And he woke up to that that's really what was his vow, but he didn't know that beforehand. So what I said before is actually my aspiration. I'm in the process of dying and I aspire to die in the process of not killing others. That's my aspiration. But I still might die. I mean, I will die in the process of not killing others. I will also die in the process of killing others. So if he had smashed into the ship, I guess he would have died killing others.

[64:01]

But he died not killing others. But he also didn't necessarily, he wasn't necessarily trying to kill himself. But we'd have to interview him. He's still alive. He's a movie star. We can add. No, I don't know. Yes, way in the back. Yeah, I guess one of the things that I'm hearing in both Michael and Sonja's stories is something that feels like around all these things there's some minefields. And that particularly, what came up for me when I got asked this question was that there's, devotion gets, there's a kind of single-mindedness that it seems associated with, or that sort of clarity of commitment if you put it behind a person or institution, if it's the wrong person or institution.

[65:02]

You know, to some extent, in Zen, right, it's still an institution. There's still people that hold certain positions that we have to interact with those people. very carefully in how we take, you know, the teachings, you know, show appropriate respect while also taking full responsibility for our own practice. And too soon I'm saying, like, there's a lot of, there's a lot of sort of delusion all around. How do we not guide our devotion? As you said, there's delusion all around. So it's 10.20 now and the kitchen's going to leave.

[66:05]

So maybe the next class could be we'll go to the land of delusion, which is called consciousness. And we'll look at how to practice in the disorienting situation of our consciousness. Because in our consciousness there's delusion all around. And in our consciousness there also is the pictures or images of faith and images of aspiration and images of vows in our consciousness. But there's delusion all around. And so one of your questions is something about how can we practice with our aspirations and our vows with delusion all around and not be, did you say, led by delusion?

[67:14]

Is that what you said? Well, the resolution could be guided by delusion. That's possible. But also, even if it wasn't, you could have a nice resolution that really wasn't guided by delusion, but maybe guided by enlightenment. But that resolution which is guided by enlightenment, or which is enlightenment, is surrounded by delusion. That's a normal situation. For example, the the enlightened aspiration to bring peace and freedom to all beings. All the Buddhas are agreeing on that one. That's an enlightened aspiration. And then to commit to that, that can occur in consciousness. But that doesn't mean that delusion is not all around it.

[68:19]

And we can see what it looks like. to have a bodhisattva aspiration, aspiration which leads to awakening in a consciousness and how to understand whether the delusions are pushing that and disorienting that or not. Now, it is not one of the Buddha's aspirations. The Buddha does not believe, for example, in ill will. The Buddha did not teach ill will. But some people believe in ill will. And they aspire to it. And they vow for it. So those kinds of ill will, believing, aspiring, and commitment to ill will occurs in some people's consciousnesses. But I'm not talking about those.

[69:24]

I'm just saying, I should say, I am talking about them. They are in the consciousness where there's faith in nonviolence. So the faith in nonviolence could be born in somebody. So here they have this faith in nonviolence in the consciousness which is surrounded by delusions. So how can one, if one sees nonviolence and aspires to it and commits to it, how can you follow through and train at nonviolence when you have delusion all around? That's what we're here to find. That's what the training is for. That's what the devotion is for. It's not devotion to the violence. It's devotion to the teachings which tell you how to deal non-violently with violence. And again, I think maybe in one of the upcoming meetings we can look at that. That would be part of the training, is to learn how to see when violence arises in the mind, even when there's an aspiration to violence in the mind, is there also an aspiration to nonviolence?

[70:36]

And how can we practice with both of those, the aspiration for nonviolence and the aspiration for violence, which can coexist in a consciousness? How can we work with that and find a way to realize nonviolence, even with a mind that has violence in it? And again, I have the aspiration and vow to be devoted to studying that situation, which is human consciousness. Yes? I don't know the name of the German person who spoke, but it turned out to be Michael who spoke. I needed an American translation. And because that did feel very German, you know, just spell it out.

[71:41]

But what I was just thinking of, not nonviolence, but liberation. And the person who was so devoted to liberation, John Brown, And he didn't see another way to bring liberation to African Americans in this country without starting a war. Yeah, he didn't. He didn't. He did not. He did not. And he did not see. Right, yes. And he got executed before he could see the way. Right. He couldn't, he didn't live long enough to find another way. But Mr. King did. Martin Luther King also was heading in the direction of, he wanted to walk the path of liberation for African Americans, and he was hanging out with some people who were going to use violence.

[72:45]

And he woke up. He saw, oh, this doesn't, this is not, violence, Buddha's saying, liberation is good, And if violence helped, well maybe, but violence doesn't. The mind of violence cannot see the path of liberation. The non-violent mind can be applied to violence and see it for what it is and be liberated with it, without even getting rid of it. The Buddha hung out with violent minds. The Buddha is surrounded by violent minds and looks at them non-violently and understands them and liberates them. But some people do aspire to liberation, but they haven't been trained.

[73:49]

That's what I said at the beginning. Some people aspire to liberation, and they're committed to it, but they don't train so they don't realize it. John Brown did not have a teacher. His intentions were good, but he didn't understand how to deal with his human consciousness, which... Yes? on the board out here. That's all delusion. Yeah. It's all delusion. Yeah. So what we're doing is we're just choosing these practice-based delusions. No, no, no, no. No. You said what's on the board is delusions. But the words that these delusions are referring to something which is not... Things are not actually delusions, but these are delusions. You're not a delusion, but my picture of you is a delusion.

[74:58]

Faith is not a delusion, but the word faith is a delusion. And then you get to choose what your faith is. The faith I'm choosing is a faith I'm trusting liberation. So I use the word faith and I use the word liberation. Or I use the word awakening. Those are the words I use. And there's trainings that come with them which don't come with faith in delusion, for example. I don't trust delusion, but I trust that there is delusion. Yeah. I trust that I have deluded ideas. And that's a teaching that's been given to me. And I trust not being nonviolent with my delusions and with other people's delusions. I trust that. But do I always trust it? No. Sometimes I get distracted.

[76:00]

That's why I need to train myself. So I train myself to always be nonviolent towards delusions and living beings. I've heard that that's the path. I'm betting on it, but I also realize I need to train in order to follow it, because I have also a history of, what's it called, of not being respectful and being violent. My ancestral Lineage is a lineage of violent beings who do not respect life. That's part of what I am. I'm surrounded by violence. Buddha is surrounded by violence. We are all surrounded by violence. Buddha is teaching nonviolence in relationship to all the violence.

[77:03]

I trust that. But you could say, I also trust violence. When I slip into violence, I guess I trust violence. But I don't aspire to that. I aspire to nonviolence. Brooks and Sean? I seem to remember quite a few stories about chopping fingers off. crashing planes into the sea rather than killing more people than just the person himself. Could you perhaps speak a little bit more to what constitutes violence in the sense that those seem like violent acts, but they also seem like they were committed by those who saw the path of the origin.

[78:07]

Yeah. Well, I guess maybe a simpler way to start is ill-will. I've never heard of any stories about ill-will being recommended. So it is possible to use harsh words with no ill-will. It's possible to yell at a child who is about to walk into the street. It's really harsh and it sounds violent. It's really loud. It's high velocity. It's uncomfortable. But there's no ill will. Maybe not even ill will towards the child being hurt. That's part of the training, is to look and see, is this harshness really coming from goodwill?

[79:24]

And if there's a consequence of disapproval and punishment for this harshness, am I really welcoming that and completely accepting that with gratitude. The training is to look at that and see, you know, or do I think, well, I'm doing a good thing and nobody should disagree with me. Then my harshness is more, I think maybe I'll look more carefully there. Yes, Sean? A thought came up that made me curious. Do you want to be expanding the meaning of faith, but kind of the idea of not taking faith in violence or not trusting violence. But when we trust or have faith in non-violence, we actually are taking faith in violence. And that faith is that the violence attempted for, it's going to have consequences that are not conducive to what we're looking to set out for.

[80:28]

I was curious if you could maybe speak to it. It's not so much that we're not putting faith in violence, but perhaps we are putting faith in violence, but it's not in a stereotypical, obvious form of what we would say putting faith in something. Thank you. I don't know. Would you say it again, please? It's easy to say, like, putting faith in nonviolence is that, you know, placing faith in nonviolence and acting nonviolently. And then I'll start with the phrase, not putting trust in violence, not trusting violence. And I was looking at Well, actually, when we put our faith in nonviolence, we're simultaneously putting our faith in violence. And that faith is not to act violently. The faith is that if we do act violently, there will be negative consequences.

[81:35]

And for some reason, that put them closer and more intimate. I'm phrasing it that way. Faith and violent facts. The word that I think would be good to look at is the word intimacy.

[82:51]

And to look at, if we trust that awakening and peace are closely related, if we trust that awakening is what sets beings free from violence and nonviolence, that intimacy would be a key element in the training of understanding that. So the willingness to be intimate with the word violent and the word nonviolence, the willingness to have a conversation about that, and be careful about that, I think would be the path that I wish to walk. To be able to talk about and look at violence in an intimate way. Like one of the people in this room told me a story about him.

[84:12]

He was on a bus and sitting in front of him was, I think, a woman and a man. And he saw the man slip his hand into the purse of the woman. And then he reached over and took the man's hand and pulled it out of the purse. So that was like intimacy with violence. It wasn't someplace else from the violence. It was right there with it. and it was intimate and then the violence sort of was temporarily redirected.

[85:14]

And then the next thing that happened I think was that the bus stopped and the woman who may not even have known this happened got up to get off the bus and the man who put his hand in the purse started to follow the woman out of the bus and my friend kind of stood in his way and let the woman get off without the man. So that's like intimacy with the situation. Yeah, so the training is training in intimacy. And intimacy with what? Well, with everything. For example, intimacy with what you're vowing, the way you're vowing to live. Intimacy with that. And intimacy isn't to force yourself to do it.

[86:17]

There's an intensity in the intimacy, but there's also a flexibility and a gentleness and a tenderness in intimacy. And that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to find that tender and steadfast and responsible and calm and generous and patient and so on way of being with everything. and in particular our vows and the training precepts that we're using in this situation. Like somebody was serving in the zendo yesterday and the head server came over to the person and gently put her hand on the server

[87:23]

and guided the server in a very tender way. There was intimacy right there in the middle of the zendo, these two people being very intimate right out there. One with her hand and the other with maybe the hot water kettle. Very intimate interaction there, realizing compassion, non-violence, in a very dynamic situation of hot water being potentially spilled or whatever on innocent Germans. as though we have these, we could have other things, but we have these things, serving and being served, to look at the intimacy between us.

[88:32]

This morning somebody reached into the carrots with these tongs and then the tongs have a little spring action on them, right? So then the spring action of the tongs sprayed carrot shreds throughout the cosmos. And this was a chance, an opportunity for intimacy. And then, and then Khayyam came with a cloth later, and we did this carrot shred thing together. You know, it wasn't like, who's the evil one who put these shreds here? It was more like, this is opportunity to do things together, you know, without... and be responsible.

[89:38]

Nobody else is responsible here, and everybody is responsible here. Everybody else is responsible with me for everything. And yet the mind may think, oh, you know, I didn't think there's Kayum, He wasn't even around when the carrots sprayed. He came later with the towel to clean up. So I didn't think it was Khayyam's fault that the carrots were there or that it was Khayyam's job to clean them up. I thought we were going to do it together, and we did. It was like successful. And that's the way... that's my faith, is that we're doing this together all the time. But sometimes when you see somebody's hand going somebody's purse, it's hard to like be intimate with that.

[90:41]

You know? But it's possible with training. And I guess some of us would like to learn how to do that. How to just put your hand on the hand of the person who's trying to go into the purse and have an intimate relationship there that protects everybody from harm. We're training at that. But we have to be really... It's intense.

[91:18]

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