What I would like to speak of is the past, if I may. Because I believe I need and I must clean my past. If I do not clean my past, if I don't If you do not what? If I do not clean my past. Clean? Yeah, clean. If I do not clean my past, I cannot live in the present moment. And I constantly find myself, when I'm interacting, to, like my son, I go in the past pain of my relationship with my ex-husband, and I'm not hearing what he's saying because my past pain comes into the picture. And I need help, and I really don't know what I need at this point.

[01:03]

I don't know what I need. All I know is that that past pain is present. I agree that past... I don't agree that past pain is present. I would say I agree that the consequences of past pain are present. So the teaching that I've been bringing up lately is the teaching that the consequences of our past are present each moment. So part of what we are as a living being are a consciousness which is unconscious and that unconscious that we are along with our active consciousness that unconsciousness is the results of our past action of our past experiences of pain and the consequences of our past ways of dealing with our pain.

[02:03]

So, most of us in the past have had many, many moments where we felt pain and we were not present with it. The consequences of not being present are present right now. And they make it more difficult for us to be present. But I don't quite agree that we cannot be present with the states of mind that arise based on past lack of presence. It is difficult to be present, period, unless we've been training at presence a lot for a long time. But it is possible that we have not been present many, many, many, many times and that lack of presence supports a state of mind to arise that's very difficult to be present with but it's not impossible. And if you're present with your present state right now, that simultaneously with the presence with what's happening for you now transforms your past, cleans your past a little.

[03:16]

The more you're present with your present conscious mind, the more you're present with your present conscious mind, the more the consequences of your past are, let me say, resolved and transformed. If we can keep being present with our active consciousness, the results of past action will be completely transformed into Buddhahood. So being present doesn't mean that our past lack of presence won't support the arising of difficult states states that are difficult to be present with. That doesn't mean that. But rather, if we can be present with active states of consciousness present and then from that presence be kind that at the very moment that we're that way with the active consciousness

[04:19]

our past changes we have a different past which is more supportive of continuing that very same practice and this practice when it goes on sufficiently will transform this basis of states of confusion and suffering the support of that will be basically non-functional and all there will be is wisdom which then relates to all other beings who are in that process of transformation towards awakening. So you can be present and you are present sometimes with these active states which are part of what you are but also the supportive unconscious is part of who you are. So we have two levels of consciousness which is who we are moment by moment and in the active states we can sometimes practice the teachings we've heard on the active state and at that very moment the past changes in the direction we would like.

[05:23]

And the next moment comes. Our new past supports the arising of a new state of active consciousness where again we may be able to apply the teachings we've heard to the new state and at that very moment the past has changed again in the direction of the practice. I see that and I... One part of me looks forward to see the past and be present to the past. I look forward to that, to stay and be present to it. And then the other part of me... You can't really be present to the past because you can't see it. The past is unconscious. The past is gone. The results of the past are present. Yes, the results. And you can't really be present with them because you don't know what they are. But if you're present with what you do know, the presence with what you do know changes what you don't know.

[06:25]

Your presence with your conscious mind transforms your unconscious mind at that very moment. But you can't see your unconscious mind. It's not the kind of mind that you can see. You can't apply the teachings directly to your unconscious mind. You apply the teachings to your conscious mind and indirectly, through being kind to your conscious thought, you transform your unconscious thought. And the unconscious thought then directly supports active consciousness in the next moment, which again you may be able to practice with. The teachings are for conscious minds, by which conscious minds can be practiced with to transform the unconscious mind. It's the unconscious mind that gets transformed into Buddha. That's why this process of transformation prior to Buddhahood is inconceivable.

[07:32]

We do not actually we can't actually see it but we are receiving teachings from those who have gone through this process we are receiving teachings telling us about this inconceivable process of liberation. The conceivable part is to apply compassion to all active states of consciousness and then understand how that transforms what we don't consciously know which then supports more practice. I wanted to mention also that I have here in my hand a piece of paper And on this piece of paper, it says 16 great bodhisattva precepts. So these are the bodhisattva precepts, the way we transmit them in this particular temple. There's other forms of bodhisattva precepts. And there's the first three bodhisattva precepts are going for refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha, which all disciples of Buddha practice.

[08:42]

And the next three are the three, the threefold bodhisattva precepts I mentioned. The first one's called embracing and sustaining forms and ceremonies. That's the practice of presence. To learn how to be present with forms and ceremonies. For example, to learn how to be present with your sitting posture when you're practicing meditation. And then the next two are embracing all good and embracing all beings. Embracing and sustaining all beings. And then there's ten. It says prohibitory precepts. in the sense that these are three ten forms to restrain distraction from your in your action so but you try to practice not killing as a way to get in touch with your lack of presence if you're present there's no killing And if you think there's some potential killing arising, be present with that opportunity so that you realize there isn't any.

[09:53]

So if you'd like to have this written version of an inconceivable process, you can go over here afterwards and Reverend Thorne will give you this precious document. Yes. Yes. Yes, you're welcome to sit there. Can you hear her? Can you hear her now? Speak louder, please.

[11:01]

Okay. Noticing that I am in a negative state, more specifically suffering. I'm experiencing emotional pain, emotional suffering. And I think my understanding of practicing Zen is that I just try to be present to those feelings, to that suffering. Then I see that time passes in the presence of the suffering and the suffering stays. It doesn't seem to shift inwardly. I would like for it to shift. I would like for it to, I would like to become calmer, whatever.

[12:05]

So is it, so I think that it's still in the teaching of Zen to try to become more deeply aware of the sensations in my body in the presence of this suffering. But what seems to be wrong, wrong, quote unquote, would be to try and consciously shift the feelings of sorrow or whatever, consciously try to come to a lighter mood or change in some way. Some way. It seems that... Can you pause there?

[13:11]

Yes. So, your first understanding, I think, is good, and it would apply to the second situation where you feel emotional pain and also you feel a wish to be relieved of the pain. Yes. So you do the same practice with that wish to be relieved. Yes. And if the wish to relieve personal pain keeps arising you practice presence with that wish to be relieved of personal pain. And if you see other people suffering and you wish them to be free of suffering you practice presence with that wish for them to be free of suffering. for them to be free for them to be free and it's okay to wish that you would for yourself to be free so bodhisattva is mostly focused on seeing the suffering of others and hearing the suffering of others and focusing on wishing them to be free and easy but being present with that wish so that they're not seeking it

[14:23]

They're actually performing, wishing them to be free. And that's performing enlightenment. But they could also wish themselves to be free. Along with that, that would be fine too. But if you start leaning into the wish that they would be free or leaning into the wish that you would be eased, then you're losing the first precept of presence, the practice of Zen practice. you've leaned away from it, so you've got to stay present and upright with pain, with the wish for its relief, for others or self. Just keep practicing presence. And then you could actually say to someone, could I adjust your pillow? Would you be more comfortable if I tilted you up a little bit? Then you can offer these services from that presence. And then those services... are real acts of generosity because you're not trying to get anything by this service.

[15:26]

You're performing the second precept or the third precept of serving beings and nurturing them and nursing them. So we do nurse beings and in some sense we adjust their situation to help them be more comfortable. But that adjustment or that nursing is coming from presence. So we're conveying the presence along with that adjustment so that they can start doing the same with themselves. They can be present and then they can also say, could you tilt my bed up a little bit or could you bring me some water? And they can ask for that as a gift. They can ask, they can request assistance as a gift from their presence. So it is possible to wish people well, and these three practices, the practice of presence, comes from the wish that people be well. But in order to train the wish that people be well, we need to learn presence, otherwise the wish that they're well will not be realized.

[16:32]

If we want to help people and we're not present, then we'll trip up in the process of trying to help them. Like you could try to be driving someone to the hospital to get them medical attention and not be present and never get to the hospital because you drove off the road, because you were so worried to get them there that you didn't practice presence on the driving. So I wish to get you to the hospital for you to get medical attention, but my job is actually to be present with you. And I've often told the story of, I was with Suzuki Roshi in Portland, and we were doing, he was leading a sashin, a meditation intensive, and during it, he kind of leaned forward which I never saw him do, he leaned forward and put his head down on the ground in front of him and I came over and said, what's the matter Roshi? He said, I have a terrible pain. So he left the retreat and I stayed at the retreat and the next day we went back to San Francisco and I was sitting next to him in the plane and I noticed I was having trouble being present with my teacher's suffering.

[17:50]

just to sit in my seat next to him, I noticed my mind wanted to go someplace else. Very difficult to be with your teacher's pain if you care for your teacher. It's hard to be present, but... I noticed at least that I was not able to just be with him. My job actually was to be with him. That was my job. I was his attendant. My job was to be with him. And I wanted to do it. I felt honored that this person would let me be his attendant on this trip. And here he is letting me sit next to him in his suffering. What a great opportunity to be sitting next to such a wonderful teacher who when he's suffering and I was really having a hard time being there in my seat. But no, I regret that.

[18:52]

I was ashamed of that and I didn't change my vow to continue to try to be present with my teacher in his suffering. And then from then on I really tried harder, more sincerely, more wholeheartedly to be with him when I was with him. and I wanted to be but it was still hard sometimes so to be with somebody's pain or to be with somebody's love if you're in the presence of your teacher and your teacher is really giving you all her attention that also you can hardly stand so you can wish your teacher well you can wish your students well you can wish beings well and you can learn to be present with that wish and then you can act on that wish and still stay present. But you can also start acting on the wish and lose your presence, which is not what you want to do. Could I ask you, sometimes it seems to me that when I think I'm present,

[20:00]

I'm not present enough. Usually that's the case. Usually when people are present they don't think they're present. Except when they happen to notice the thought, I'm present, and they're present with that. Most of the time bodhisattvas do not go around thinking that they're bodhisattvas. They don't go around, I'm a bodhisattva, I'm a bodhisattva. They go around... How can I help this person? How can I help this person? I want to help these people. They're more focusing on that. They're not so much saying, oh, I'm doing the practice right. But that thought could arise in their mind, but usually it doesn't. Like tasting something delicious is there before you say, it's delicious. It's delicious. Before you say it's delicious, you're tasting. And before you say it's painful, you feel pain. So presence is more like to be there with the pain before you comment.

[21:08]

However, if you comment, then you're present with comments. But sometimes there's no comment. Sometimes there's silence. Then you're present with the silence. Thank you. You're welcome. What time is it now? Three minutes to go. Three minutes. Yes, please come for a three-minute event. Thank you. You're welcome. We were talking after your talk about the idea of expressing regret and embarrassment.

[22:13]

And I wondered if you could talk about that, that when we find ourselves doing a behavior or saying something that doesn't hold with our Precept. Right. Yeah, and the difference between that and feeling guilt, I guess, or self-righteousness, I guess those are the other options, maybe. The difference between that and self-righteousness? Yeah. Well, first of all, just speaking of the practice, so if I, for example, if I would speak to you and I would notice that I wasn't speaking respectfully... and I really wish to speak to you respectfully, then I would be noticing that slipping from that precept of speaking respectfully. So one of these precepts is not slandering. Another one is not praising self at the expense of others. Those are kind of like speaking, not in accord with respect. So if I notice that, that I did it,

[23:18]

and I really wanted to practice these, I would feel regret and I would be embarrassed that I'm not doing what I really want to do. So that's the beginning. So I'm kind of confessing to myself and repenting to myself. The feeling of regret and embarrassment is repentance. And then there's a possibility of amplifying the process by making that confession in the presence of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. So one could come in this room and sit down in front of these statues and say, I was not respectful in my speech and I'm sorry. You could say that to the statue. Or you could be in your own house and invoke the presence of enlightened beings and say, enlightened beings, I call you to witness. We sometimes say, oh bodhisattva, Mahasattvas. Mahasattva means great being. Oh, enlightening beings, great beings, please concentrate your hearts on me.

[24:22]

I, what's your name? Kim. I, Kim, have not been respectful in my speech and I'm sorry. Please witness this. And you can also go to a co-practitioner who's also trying to practice respect to all be for all beings who is mature enough to like listen to your confession and confess to them and say Friend I I wish to tell you about a Shortcoming in my Bodhisattva ethics will you listen to me and they might say yes, I'll listen I'll witness your confession then you say it to them and then they maybe say I've witnessed your confession and that sometimes brings more light to the situation for example the one I often mention is that sometimes people come to me and say I wish to confess and then they tell me something and I say I don't understand what the problem is and then they tell me the rest of what they did and then I get it sometimes when people think of what they're doing they kind of do an abbreviated version of it for themselves

[25:37]

So they don't really say it in the full way of what they feel bad about. If you say it to somebody else you realize you're leaving out the punchline because they don't know what you're talking about. Also sometimes people come and see me and say, I'm sorry I'm slightly late. I say, what do you say slightly for? Are you sorry about being late? Yes. What's the slightly about? Or sort of late? Or a tiny bit late? So, if you just think, I'm sorry I'm late, but if you say, I'm sorry I'm slightly late, somebody else is going to say, well, what's the slightly about? Are you trying to, like, talk me out of the confession? That it's really not a problem? I'm slightly sorry. I'm slightly sorry. Yeah. That happens. I'm a little, yeah, and it might be actually, I am just actually slightly star, sorry.

[26:43]

And I confess that it's only slight. Thank you, Kim. Thank you all. Thank you all. Thank you all.

[27:02]

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