I find a self here, back in the intensive care unit. Silvia, do you know what a care bear is? A care bear? Pardon? A bear in care? A bear in care, or a bear that does care, actually. It's a caring bear. I think it's a cartoon series. Is that right? Yeah, it's these little bears and they care. Heaven and hell, I think, or at least they have heaven. And you know what their heaven is called? Care a lot. Do you understand that? It's a play on the word camelot. Care a lot. It's a place where everybody cares a lot. To me, our practice is about caring a lot, but not too much.

[01:08]

Care a lot, but not too much. If you care too much, you go from care bear heaven to care bear not heaven. So, I know some of you care a lot and there's a chance sometimes that you care too much or too little. Usually people around here verge sometimes more often on 40. Now you've heard, I think, about that to learn the Buddha way is to learn about the self. And one of the The most available way to learn about the self is to learn about how the mind creates a relationship, a picture or a representation of the relationship between the self and the world.

[02:21]

And the mind is doing this all the time with every experience. The mind comes up with a little story or a big story about how the self is related to the world. And this is this cognitive activity placing ourselves in relationship to others which represents and arises from our actual relationship with others is the definition of karma. So studying karma is a access to learning about the self and becoming free of this conscious representation of our relationship and entering into the actual relationship. And this is learning the Buddha way. This representation, when studied, is revealed to be an intensely unstable and dynamic experience.

[03:38]

How the mind creates A picture of the relationship between self and the world is a very unstable and intense enterprise, an interpretive, creative enterprise, interpreting our actual relationship and co-arising. And that also can be called thinking. The way we think about ourselves in relationship to the world is a creative act. And another way to say it, we've been talking about, is we tell ourselves in relationship to the world moment by moment. Studying and learning about these acts of karma, these cognitive constructions, is offered as a way to become clear that this hiding self that there's no independent self.

[04:46]

And this sets us free to realize the way everything enlightens the self, everything confirms the self. If we don't study that, we'd have trouble seeing how everything is confirming us. If we do study it, we see that the self is not independent of others and all others are confirming us, confirming us, realizing us, creating us. But we often imagine that we're creating our self and that we live independent of others. This is a part of our creative interpretive activity, which is our karma. And so we have an opportunity here today for a little drama, and drama in Greek history.

[05:59]

drama was actually often a representation or an enactment of cause and effect. People do things and then there are certain effects. So oftentimes if I'm coming here to do a Dharma event with you, as I'm approaching the room, it's often good to bring that out. even though I wasn't expecting to discuss it. So as I was about to enter the room, the Tanto came to me and told me that someone came to her and said, this person was not at the talk yesterday, was not at this event, but someone came to her, two people came to her and told her that I was critical of the senior students. Is that right? And what was I critical of the senior students for? I was critical of the senior students for not coming forward.

[07:03]

Some people told this person that I was critical of the senior students for not coming forward. So yesterday I did have a picture in my mind of my relationship with the world and the picture I had was that I'm in relationship to beginning students, intermediate students and senior students, senior students and teachers. And I noticed in that picture, I had this picture that the senior students are coming forward, are coming out and expressing themselves. I had that picture and I was encouraged by that picture. because I thought it demonstrated fearlessness and selflessness and things like that. That's what I saw and I was so moved and encouraged that I expressed it.

[08:08]

But I also mentioned that in the past at Zen Center there was a time when the teacher or teachers gave talks that senior students wouldn't say anything. Maybe people thought I was criticizing the ancient senior students, the past senior students, I don't know. But part of what's interesting about this is that the Tantra was surprised to hear about this, and that this turn of events kind of, it was surprising. It, to some extent, it poked at the story. So I was feeling this way and feeling encouraged and I wanted to express it, and I thought it would be helpful and encouraging. I didn't know if it would be, but as a result of this, some people thought I was being critical of the seniors. This is how things work sometimes.

[09:11]

And I care about this, but I have to be careful not to care too much. I get quite disturbed that I'm trying to do good and praise people, and then people think I'm criticizing people. I want to praise you, and people say, he criticized everybody. Well, I care about praising people. If I care too much, then when they say I criticize them, I might not be able to respond to that very well. Me? Criticize people? You know, something like that. I'm the most praising guy. I'm Mr. Praise. How dare you? Call me the critical one. So, it helps not to care too much when you share

[10:13]

your inspirations, that it would encourage people. You think it would be, but the consequences, there's consequences. And if the consequences are that people feel that you're being critical and they're upset and go around the temple telling people the bad news, well, maybe it wasn't so skillful to mention that. And now I'd like to do a little survey. How many people thought I was criticizing the seniors for not coming forth? One? One, two, three. Isn't that amazing? You thought I was criticizing the seniors? Do you think I was criticizing... Do you think I was criticizing the present seniors or the past seniors? Present. Huh? Huh? Oh, I told a story about the past first?

[11:32]

I see. Oh, I see. Yeah, it's possible that they heard the past story and they didn't hear the rest. Mimi and Catherine? Oh yeah, that's right. That the senior students that are not in the room, that, yeah. Yes. As Jane pointed out, it worked sequentially like a story. Yeah, it was a story. There's a little like, oh my goodness, is he criticizing us because we haven't said anything yet? And then the story turned and the story was completed and that changes the beginning of the story.

[12:34]

And that's also what happened in the story yesterday about the arms and in the Don Quixote story. but turned by the comment of the narrator about the listening capacity of the people who thought it was quite reasonable. Can you hear? So at first we were shocked. Don Quixote's arguing in favor of arms, and then the narrative comment was, and these arguments were so well-reasoned to this audience of men involved in arms that for that moment they didn't realize it was being told by a madman. This moment turns our understanding of how the story relates to what's being said. So that's all narrative and story making. Yes, Bernard? I had an idea of what your underlying intention was.

[13:37]

It wasn't so much a blanket, sort of like critical, or what the underlying intention was. And I did receive an encouragement for people to... But afterwards I thought, well, let's see, Linda came up, and there was a few actual, like I thought, senior student moments. So afterwards, I was sort of thinking, well, there was quite a lot. We have two kinds of senior student minds. So, yeah, people were coming forth, I thought, you know, as I was reflecting on that. But the feeling of underlying attention of... I didn't quite get the encouragement for the people who did come up. I didn't really catch that on the second half. I guess I'm one of those that didn't... Well, I said, you know, now they don't seem to be afraid.

[14:42]

Now they don't seem to be so concerned about their status that they're afraid to come up and express themselves because someone might think that their answer wasn't too good. They say, oh, they're the tanto, or they're the abbess, and they said that. They might, right? If you don't make that, people might think, well, how come the abbess said that? Ooh. So some abbesses might be afraid to come up and express themselves because people might think, possibly, something not good. So better not to say anything. Because you've already got a good position, so don't tip your hand. and let them know anything about your inner state by talking and walking. But they're coming forth and they're showing themselves. I also hesitated to put my hand up when you asked. We thought you were being critical. I hesitated. You hesitated to raise your hand because?

[15:46]

Because, a number of reasons, but one was because, well, I wasn't sure if critical is a sort of a, could be a positive statement, you know. It could be a negative statement. It could be a negative. It's kind of like. But I think you meant it negatively. I didn't say negative, critical. It was reported to me that I was being critical. It seemed like that person thought I was negative. I get the impression whoever heard that, and maybe the people who told them also, were thinking of it as negative, as negating someone. There's an edge between seeing people frightened and paralyzed and seeing that and feeling compassion for them. There's an edge where it can slip into contempt for them.

[16:49]

If you're not willing to be afraid and you see someone else is being afraid, you could be contemptuous towards them for not expressing themselves. There could be that edge, you know, in compassion towards people who don't dare to speak slipping into contempt that they don't have the courage to speak. There's that edge there. Yes. I'm so sorry. Me, what I heard you say, because I felt quite liberated. What I heard from you was, and I took, even though I'm not a member of this temple, I am a senior, and I rarely come forward like that. It's one of my worst fears, and if I waited to be tranquil, I would never get up. I heard you say, now that I've tipped your hand to the rest of the people here, now you're free. You're free because I've publicly humiliated you.

[17:52]

And I thought that that was the boldest thing I've ever seen a teacher do. I thought, man, he is something. And I thought, and I stood there and I was like, well, my worst fear up there is to be fearful in front of everyone and to be humiliated, but you did it for me. And I was like, well, this isn't too bad. I'm actually, this is kind of great. And I wanted to laugh because it's nuts that I'm not your story of the humiliation of me. So thank you. And you can have the other story too. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. Yes. Now, of the people sitting over in that section, how many thought... How many people over there felt that it was positive?

[19:19]

Raise your hand. Okay. And the people over here, how many people felt it was positive? How many people felt it was negative? How many people over there felt... That's where I was. I thought maybe the people closer to me felt... And it got watered down as it came over here. Okay. It's a physical thing, partly, right? Because there was physical, you were seeing physical, there was physicality, postures, and... Huh? I looked happy, yeah. And some people said, he's a sadist. He just loves putting people down. How many people thought it was neither positive or negative? It was close. Close.

[20:19]

Yes. Well, I understand in the first part, like being critical of the senior students, and I saw your, like, how you say it, how you sound, and you sound like very... Speak up, please. For me, it sounded like mothers. What? Bothered. Bothered, yes. And I went for lunch and it made me cry. I was crying. I said, why am I crying? But it touched me, and it touched me. I was very afraid to come up here.

[21:22]

Pardon? I was very afraid to come up here. Before or after? No. You're afraid to be not authentic, but you're not afraid to be authentic? What's the second here? Oh, could I say something? And that is, I'd just like to point out that, again, from my perspective, which sounds slightly enlightened, I looked inside and it looked enlightened. I kind of saw in the past it was like I was seeing a pattern. of relationship.

[22:25]

I didn't see the individual separate people being afraid to speak. I saw a pattern at Zen Center where people were created in such a way that they didn't feel invited to speak. They thought they weren't supposed to, or they thought that it was too dangerous. They were made that way. I didn't see them as separate persons, I saw it as a group a communal event that we're all participating in, and that we're more or less having pain with it, with the fear of expressing ourselves. And I wasn't thinking so much of the individual people cut off from each other. I saw individual people, but I saw it as something we were doing together at Zen Center at that time. And now I don't exactly think that the people who are expressing themselves are like doing that on their own. I think the environment has changed feel invited and supported to show themselves and that they will be supported after they show themselves too.

[23:28]

It won't be like you're supported and then after you say certain things everybody's going to like back away from you. Which in fact they won't. But there's a fear that they will. They can't. So it seems like people on some level in their bodies and minds understand this more and therefore are released to express themselves before it's too late. And that's, you know, I'm very happy about that. And then when I mention it, we find another layers of this process, which is very nice. Because it's not completely cleared yet. Because there still is fear. So you don't have to have courage, as I mentioned to somebody, you don't have to have courage if you're not afraid. Like I said to him, if you're with your wife and you're afraid to talk to her, then it takes courage to talk to her.

[24:29]

Excuse me, madam. I want to talk to you. It takes courage to do that when you're afraid of your wife. But if you're not afraid, It doesn't take courage to say, excuse me madam, I'd like to talk to you. It doesn't take courage. But there is fear in this room, and when you feel fear, to come forward in fear usually evokes and uses courage. And that fearlessness eventually, which is, that's why I'm so happy about this. And that people even dared to walk out of here and say stories about me being critical. And that people in the room also dared to tell themselves stories about me being critical. Let's see. Matthew, Shoho, Lenore, and Elena.

[25:33]

You want to do another one? How about this side? You know, what's going on over there? And he criticized the west side of the hall. East side, sorry. Yes? Are you talking about something that somebody said was not in the room? I caution you against that. I think you should ask the person if they feel okay about you talking about them. That usually doesn't work very well in this community.

[26:33]

Talk about yourself if you'd like to. Now that you're on stage. Okay. One thing I appreciate about coming forward in this forum, particularly the sort of sometimes frightening experience of having to physically walk up and meet you in the front, is that the question is, And you can check with this person, and tomorrow you can come forth if you want to, you know, in person. Shalom. I think that if commenting on this, you don't have to come forth.

[27:43]

Yes? I just have a few comments from your feedback of the feedback that... I'm seeing some determinism. My understanding right now is people who have certain predispositions appear to be critical, and so they're heard to be critical. And so I'm hearing, I'm seeing some, I'm hearing expressing because, you know, because predisposition other people have. they hear me, what I'm saying, as being, you know, positive or negative or neutral. And that's kind of like, I'm kind of scared of that because it makes everything very tight and very narrow. Well, okay, so I hear that. That's reasonable. And Lenore? I came here to learn how to practice and...

[28:49]

It's people who practice themselves. It's people that I learn to practice. I watch the practice, and that's what I see. The concession with the tenants. And reading that, I also noticed that there were, what, 80 of us? There must be 80 curtains of different weeds or super swarms. And so there's 80 different pictures of... Every minute what you say, what the person walking up there might feel or how I feel about that whole process. So it's the doing and the process and the practice. You have no real control over what the outcome is. But I find that I'm concluding that my story, that I will say the way it probably is, not when I'm doing it perfectly, but when I'm paying attention right now.

[30:04]

Thank you. One more on this? Oh, Elena? I felt that my story is that you're very proud of your priests, especially the New York priests. And I thought that they gave up their lives, but their will to be very proud. And I felt that without thinking too much about it, I felt that you wanted to. Help them stretch. Seniors now. But not quite seniors. Leave that for a man. I thought that we wanted them to grow. To give them the opportunity of stretching and growing.

[31:08]

I definitely have that story about wanting them to stretch and grow. I definitely have that story. I have the story of being very shy not to call them my priests and not to be proud of them when they do something good, like my priest did something good. not get into that, not lean into that. My priest did a good thing. But when that priest does an unskillful thing, I feel like I'm responsible. Not that they're mine, but I'm responsible for their unskillfulness. But I'm also responsible for their skillfulness. I try not to be proud of it. And if I do feel pride, I kind of, sorry, sorry to feel proud, like I possess them, just because I'm in relationship with them.

[32:24]

Yeah. Yesterday, in your interaction with Sho, actually there was a memory that came back to me right after I said something this morning to you. Could you wait for a second on that? Yeah. Because now you're talking about something else, okay? It's kind of all related, actually. I'd like you to come up and talk to me about that. Okay. Anything more on this past story? And then I'll let you present stories. Yes, Dalit? I was really moved by the whole scene, and I thought that it was... a really great illustration of being upright with the precepts, and particularly forms and ceremonies, and how there was a form and timing, and you saw this opportunity.

[33:30]

And I used to teach, and because I teach in the moment, and those times where you What do I throw out the window? The lesson plan? Oh, yeah. And it's also so respectful. I said it was OK. And you will get done with it. I was really being encouraged by each person.

[34:41]

And you know, at the end of it, I had this one story, like, oh, you're going to have luck. Just going to sit here and talk more. And that would be great. Yes, Yvonne? Yeah, I just wanted to share my story with you. There's a lot of corrections going on in the back. Some people might have thought I was correcting somebody in what I said. Right. And, you know, I don't say I correct posture. I say I adjust it or make a suggestion or check.

[35:45]

But I actually don't... I think people's postures are fine before I make my suggestion, but I still make a suggestion. But I try not to use the word correct. I'm trying to have the correct posture, but that doesn't mean they're incorrect posture. I want them to realize it. But also something I want to say before I forget is when I was referring to the time at Zen Center when people didn't come forward, I was one of the people who didn't come forward. I was there as a senior, as a senior student, and then as a priest, you know, a senior student priest, and then as a teacher. Also, I didn't come forward into the arena and express myself in these kind of events. So I was part of that. And I also now come forward more. So that's part of my happiness, too, is I'm coming forward.

[36:46]

And I'm a little afraid, but I'm doing it anyway, as you may have noticed. Yes, did you? Do you have something, Fred? Yes. what I'm going to say because I've missed many remarks. So quite possibly, I overheard something that I shouldn't have heard. But it seems to me that with a couple of exceptions, we all fell into a trap, a trap set by you. And the trap was, here's a story or a story about a story. What's your reaction to it? And people began to react without questioning the story. Whereas what I keep hearing in my mind is a kind of a bell every five minutes is, question your story.

[37:50]

What's this school about? Question me. I heard them. But there were very few. On the whole, they affirmed their story by putting it out there. And you questioned that story you just told? I questioned it. Good. So, here's the excellent student. And he knows that's a trap. I'm a junior student. No, you're an excellent junior student. And you know that's a trap. Right? You didn't fall for that, did you? I didn't guess. Even though I really... That was excellent. That was really great. It really was. Yeah. So we're all trying to trap you to see if you'll just go for that rather than... What do they mean by that? What's going on here? homage to the goddess of perfect wisdom, the lovely, the holy, divine, feminine wisdom.

[39:12]

Prajnaparamita, she brings light, is the quiet exploration of the causes and conditions of karmic consciousness. She brings light so that all fear and distress may be forsaken. This light disperses the gloom and darkness of delusion. So we can turn the light around and illuminate the causes and conditions of our experience. Hallelujah. Now, for now, you want to come up and say something?

[40:19]

A lot of what Fred just said. Do you want to come up? I got a lot of little stories patched together. It's basically about fear. So, I don't know. Do you want me to come up? You want to come up? Yeah. Kitchen's going to tell stories about what... Part of me, you know, thinks, oh, people aren't supposed to be going around telling stories during session. But another part of me thinks, maybe they weren't supposed to be going around telling stories either, but they did. You know, they were in some, you know, they go, did you hear what happened just now up in the kitchen? Did you hear what happened in the teacher's room? Did you hear what happened in the lecture hall? Don't tell anybody, okay? Keep it confidential. So I don't know, maybe this is part of the Zen tradition of telling stories, telling stories, telling stories.

[41:29]

So is there any news? Any news today? That was yesterday's news. Reinterpreted. Hello. Hello. I've been sick for a few days and I just wanted to tell everybody that I'm back and that I've missed you all and very confused and very intense because my room is right there. So I haven't really been very far away at all. I've been working in this intense space with a lot of confusion.

[42:42]

And one of the things that's really confusing to me is about sexual energy and working skillfully with it in each moment, you know, not taking what isn't freely given and not giving what's going to be taken, what isn't freely given, and how confusing this is. just in every moment trying to be upright with it. And I kind of got to a place yesterday of really kind of wanting to renew my commitment to this, you know, and being skillful with my use of sexual energy. And it felt okay, but it kind of felt a bit... kind of caged in in some way. And last night I had a dream about a big black horse. And she felt like the divine prajnaparamita.

[43:53]

And she wanted me to befriend her, but she wouldn't unless I stopped being afraid. She wanted her to befriend her, but she wouldn't unless she stopped being afraid. Can you help me? Is there any particular way you'd like me to help? When I think about having an intention in every moment to be upright, it just feels really kind of It feels like I'm trying to squash the black horse. Well, thinking about having an intention to be upright in every moment, then what's the upright way to think of that? To let go of it.

[44:55]

Yeah, let go of it. And then when you let go of it, you're a horse. You know what I mean? Yeah. So just think of being upright and don't hold on to it and see if the horse is still well and alive. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you all. This morning I found a precious story. And so I'd like to tell the story of finding the story.

[46:00]

I'd like to tell the story of finding the story. And I went into the story a little bit. By the way, where did you find the story? Well, it came out of being in touch with my body. Did you find the story in the feelings of your body? Or did you find the story in the story of the feeling of your body? All of a sudden, you know, I was feeling cold. And that's a whole story, too, how I... I was feeling... what I call the sensation of cold. Yes. And I was noticing I didn't want to feel it. You were noticing an intention towards it? Mm-hmm. Okay. And all of a sudden I sensed, I'm not sure, I sensed the presence or the concept, it's a concept of a young child.

[47:12]

And that's what I'm calling the story that I found was this young child. And it seemed precious? Well, this young child doesn't speak. She won't speak. And she is cold, too. So what I'm about to say is going in actually how I went into the story. So I thought, I'll keep her warm. I'll put her somewhere in, even though I was cold, I thought, well, it was probably 98.6 or somewhere around there, so I'll put her, this representation, I'll put In the warm spot. Yeah. So I went to do that, but everywhere I put her, I couldn't actually sense enough warmth.

[48:20]

And I put her many places. And so I was surprised. I thought there was, you know, anyway. And she had a dolly. And she had her head down and kind of hair and covering her face. And I thought, well, I'll just have her sit here with me, and I'll be cold with her, being cold, since I can't. find enough warrants to give her. And that was the warrant, was sitting there being cold with her. You guys get that before she told you?

[49:22]

Yeah. And then plus she won't talk. And I thought, well, I'll sit here being silent with her. And that was, it was a beautiful... And that was warm too? It was peaceful. Peaceful. And then I thought, well, this is all a story. And... Or this is a story of all of this. But I felt like taking care of the story was important or the story would go away before I had a chance to melt it into the river. Something like that. Because, you know, the word precious came up in my mind, and I thought, well, am I trying to, like, hold on to the story? And I thought, well... Yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay. I think this feeling of the story might go away before I have a chance to melt it into the river.

[50:30]

Got to be careful of that because it might destroy the story from the melting process. So I think actually when you struck upon this thing of take care of the story, caring for the story is actually compatible with letting go of the story. Yeah, well that seems like it. Taking care of the story is part of the story melting. Yeah. But if we want the story to melt and yet as it melts we sometimes think we're going to lose it before we can melt it. So then we stop taking care of it and start holding on to it again. So the caring for the story, again, care a lot for the stories, but not too much. Caring too much is usually what we do. Care too much for our stories of, I'm a helpful person, or whatever, or I'm

[51:35]

even uncaring. But then, as you know, if you care just right, then the story starts to melt or spread or open. And its opening might seem like you're going to lose it before you finish your job, which you might. You might lose the story before you're done melting it. It just might be transient. It's not the same as melting. But the practice of caring for the story will apply to the next story. So even though this one doesn't melt, if you let it go and get ready for the next one and continue the practice, you will melt a story someday. So you have to be careful of that. The difference between impermanence or the transience and selflessness. And if this story reappears in any moment, then just the same thing, right? Yeah, and you might say, oh, good, I get another chance.

[52:37]

Because it kind of... ...around... Well, that's just more... Well, yeah, she does seem to come back, doesn't she? Well... I mean, the she-ness seems to be, somehow there's conditions for she-ness to keep coming back in your life, right? She-ness? She-ness, that kind of thing. You don't very often feel like a man, but you often feel like a woman. Occasionally, yeah. The women I've interviewed more often feel that they're women than feeling that they're men. And the men are less often think that they're men than the women think they're women. But either way there's these patterns, you know, to take care of. Caring for patterns of relationship in our consciousness lead to clarification of status of you and the girl.

[53:44]

And I have one more question. Excuse me, this whole process seemed rather precious. Yeah, don't bury intimate. Intimate and valuable? Yeah. You appreciated it? Yeah, it was nourishing. Did you want to say one more thing? I wanted to ask if we could dance. ...in the IC unit so I can't... You really are in the IC unit. Oh. Thank you, Bernard. Good morning.

[55:26]

I came up to tell a story, if I may. It's a story maybe... Sure. It can be near the... And near that. So the story is about the famous great old fox and storyteller, Bajong de Cervantes. a story to an assembled group of people. He was telling the 500th story of his most famous character, Don Quixote Bajon de la Mancha. And as he was telling this story, radiant light was coming forth from his feet and the rest of his body. And in this story, Don Quixote Baizhang woke up, as he did in all the preceding stories.

[56:35]

But in this story, he stayed awake. Awake, he lost his delusions and there was a feeling that he missed them and that perhaps he was ready to die because his stories, his dreams, he didn't believe his dreams. And the monks were confused by this and a little disturbed at this thought. And in order to help them, the senior student Juan Sancho Bo came forward to the storyteller, the great storyteller who was verging on 64. But I've forgotten what he said. He says, the mind that's telling the story sees the whole story and knows the relations in the whole story.

[57:55]

And the mind that hears the story has the ability of hearing all the relations in the story. But the mind that's in the story doesn't see. And then he said, or she said to the great... What if Don Quixote Baizhong knew his dreams were dreams from the beginning? It's your turn. I had a feeling you would say that. And there's a little digression before I come closer. Chekhov says that a gun on the stage in the first act has to be fired by the... And something has been hanging in the air of the hall since, I believe, September at Tassajara.

[59:09]

Now may I? You may. Thank you very much. people who hear about this. Thank you for your teaching. I have a story that I'm a fraud.

[60:11]

Do you have a story that you're a frog? Not a frog, a frog. A fraud. Oh, a fraud. We need an interpreter. Okay, I'll speak louder. We need an interpreter. I would like... So I would appreciate some guidance or more around how to question the stories. So although most of my meditation has been trying to get to a place of tranquility, so I haven't been able to venture there much, I have tried.

[61:19]

I'm able to say, oh, this is a story and understand that concept, but not too sure what questions to ask or do I wait for the questions to arise in the meditation to kind of lead into that exploration of cause and effect. For starters, that if you're tranquil, And you see a story arising that you basically care for the story or relate to it or embrace it right away. Or another way, you relate to it questioningly. You kind of explore it. And then there may be specific questions that would arise to ask about the story, but basically start with, as soon as possible, seeing it as an example. Could you give an example?

[62:24]

Well, like you said, I have a story that I'm a fraud. Okay? That's a question. I'm regarding that as a question. Now, it's easy for me, maybe, when you So how come I can do it easily and it's harder for you? But in fact, I thought that was a question, so more or less. And also then I hesitate to answer it, or hesitate to respond in such a way that you think I answered your question, or to tell you what that fraud business is about, what that fraud story is about. I want you to... And to tell you, I could tell you another story, but I want to tell you a story not that you switch, not that you throw away your old story, but to help you question your story and question my story.

[63:26]

We want to actually, basically we want to like see through these stories to where they're coming from. And the first step in seeing through them you see them melt away, or you see holes in them, or you see that they're actually absent. You can't find them anywhere in what's happening. So a kind of general, careful, questioning approach, which is sometimes called mindfulness. You're very present, and letting things be what they are, including the stories that you lay over things, which is mostly what you see. Let's just start anyway, start with that. I have a second question if I can. Is it alright if he asks another one? Yes. Okay, sounds like it's okay.

[64:31]

I work as a therapist slash social worker case manager with seniors who have... Senior students? Probably. Seniors who have mental health problems and substance abuse problems. Many of them have substance abuse problems coupled with mental health. And many of the... Well, several of these people have had chronic psychosis or chronic mental health throughout most of their lives. May I say something? May I say something? You can go on if you want to, but before we go any further, a story about these people that you just told me. here's a psychosis. I'm not saying there isn't a psychosis there. I'm just saying we have now a story of a psychosis.

[65:34]

What's the question here? What is this person? I have a story that they're psychotic or whatever. That's my story. Now what is the story and what is the person? And then people are afraid, well, how will I be able to relate to this, let go of the story that they're psychotic? Maybe I'll... Well, you don't have to let go of it right away. Take care of it. But realize more, don't just believe the story. Care for the story and question this. See the story as a question. That softens the relationship right away. You need to be somewhat calm in order to in order to dare to be open to question the story that they're psychotic. But I think in that openness and that questioning is where healing can occur.

[66:39]

It's more of a, maybe you might say, a spiritual approach to psychotherapy. But still psychotherapy. That you don't you don't have any prejudice, which means you don't believe your story about the person. There's a kind of a way to judge the person before you meet him. That was my question. To help them, what's the best way to help them in that I wake up as well. Yeah, work on yourself when you're with them. And then you will be able to be with them in a way that helps them. Part of working with yourself is work with your story you have about them, which is to some extent blinding you to them.

[67:50]

creating a separation, and you see the veil as the person. You don't just see a veil. You mix the veil with the person. So that's why whatever you see, we should question or tell ourselves not to believe it. But also don't trash it. We should take care of it. I think Lauren was next. Do you think Lauren was next? I think Eric's next. All the world's a stage. Men and women are merely players. I had a story that came up when you're holding your, I don't know what the name of it is, the stick.

[68:54]

In Japanese it's called a kotsu. A kotsu. And I saw light on it. Actually, that's what it's for, is to pull the light into the room. That was the story I had. It was light shining off the Buddhist foot. Yeah, that's right. That's what it's for, exactly. It's to catch the Buddhist light from the foot and bring it into the room. That's right. Good observation there. Doctor also? I missed my calling. Can't hear it, Eric. I said, I guess I missed my calling, but thank you very much. What was the name of it again? Kotsu? Kotsu. Kotsu. Kotsu. Hello. So I've had a thought, and the thought is that Rozzy looks very similar to a wild fox to me.

[70:03]

I'm wondering, do you think that she might be someone we know? Might she be another one of you old men? She might be. What are you driving at? Well, I think I'm actually scared. I really want to sing a song, but that's very scary to me. Do you feel invited to sing a song? Donna has... wanted me to... Can I say this about you?

[71:24]

She had been wanting me to sing a song. So I kind of wanted to sing a song because you've been wanting me to sing a song. Would you like to sing it over here? I don't really want to sing it. It would be scary. You don't have the... But do you have the intention to sing it? Is the intention to sing it in your heart? I want to offer fearlessness. In the form of singing? In the form of singing. It's a song that just keeps ... well, I have many songs. So I do have the intention to sing it. Okay, well, when you're ready, you're invited to express this intention. Well, it's a song about wholeheartedly going forth on the journey of studying stories.

[72:31]

I had to change the words a little bit. Hmm. Am I supposed to stand in shashu in robes while singing a song as well? When you're in robes during sesshin, we ask you to stand and walk in shashu. However, when you wish to do something with your hands, it's just that don't be moving them all over the place unconsciously. Only move them if you really want to move them. Otherwise, practice the form. And then if you want to do something with your hand, like extend it into the air, you feel that intention, do it. Conscious and mindful, if you do something like that, consciously put your finger in your eye. Or in mind, either way, if that's what you want.

[73:33]

But do it consciously, mindfully. Be aware of your intention. Okay? If your hands want to go many other places while you're singing, you're welcome to do so with complete mindfulness. Okay. Some of you maybe know this. I invite you to sing along. Gonna take a sentimental journey. Gonna set my heart at ease. Gonna take a sentimental journey to review old story. I've got some reservations. Like a child in wild anticipation Long to hear that all aboard Seven, that's the time we leave at seven

[74:40]

I'll be watching my intentions and counting every breath to stay on track and take me back. Never thought my heart could be so yearning. Why did I decide to roam? Gonna take a sentimental journey, sentimental journey home. Singers and dancers are coming. You are invited to express yourself.

[75:58]

I was walking today and I am feeling contraction, expansion. And I know these are just words to label. The contraction comes, the expansion comes, and there's this fine, can I bear the expansion? And can I bear the contraction? So many words here, so many great stories that sometimes I hear and sometimes I don't, and sometimes I want to. I want to dance with you in expansion and in the contraction.

[77:39]

And sometimes I try to fit myself in the steps and the boxes that I hear you speak and sometimes my mind I can't work in that way. Well in terms of dancing, if someone initiates something, like offers you a box or a step, it can be seen as an invitation. for you to respond. Not that you would do what they just did. So if I step towards you, you could step back if you wanted to. But you can step forward too. You can do the same thing I did, or you can step away. The point is that we're doing something together in response to each other. And if you... I like the principle of if I make an offering to you and I invite you to step backwards, that I make your sideways step of success.

[79:04]

In other words, I offer you something, you interpret it as something else, but then I follow your lead, even though the way you followed my lead was not the way I expected. Like yesterday, I made a lead, I made an offering at the end of the talk, and people followed it in a surprising way. But I don't want to make that their surprising way unsuccessful. So you don't have to fit into even what you think I'm suggesting. If you're trying to fit into what I am suggesting, you may not, from my point of view, But my way would be to try to follow what you thought or how ever you respond. And that's how I would like to dance. And if they offer something to me and I respond, I hope that they would also go, let me, follow me.

[80:13]

in my response to them, even though my response may not be what they are inviting me to do. So in both directions, taking turns being leader and follower. So I just heard these words and I took I think what I'm wondering is I wonder if I can actually dance with you. but not any steps that I don't know, just an organic dance.

[81:17]

Dancing with someone who's in ICU, he can't go too far from his machines. The smallest movement is 10,000 universes. How's the dance going? Well there was just a shift from contraction to expansion. Hmm.

[82:54]

I've come to test it out. I have an idea, a story that in this practice, if we don't do this, we will not fulfill the Dharma. Oh, a lot of hands went up on that one. Sing it from the highest hill. I have a story. I feel like I'm at a revival. We don't do this, we won't fulfill the Dharma if we don't stand up. And I wanted to see what would happen. And I'm willing to have all the stories go through the review process. I like when other people sing and dance.

[84:46]

And that's about it. Say that louder. That's about it. Can you hear it? Louder. That's about it. I'm talking about it. Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That's about it. Yeah, that's good. That's good. There is practice without this, but you're right, this fulfills the... It's called meeting. It's called Buddha meeting Buddha. That fulfills the practice.

[85:49]

There's lots of other work to do, but this is part of it. Airing. Yeah, it brings air into the space. Thanks for testing it out. It's not so bad. No, it's not so bad. Thank you, everyone, for your help. It's not so bad. At night, if I'm putting Elizabeth, my daughter, to sleep and to tell her a story, Or sometimes she says, you know, tell me something in the wide world. And, you know, I've come up with various things, but then sometimes I cannot think of a single thing to tell her in the whole wide world.

[86:59]

And I feel very dull. And my mind feels very slow. And I wonder if all of this silence, in all this silence, my mind has just quieted down and now it doesn't know how to create a story to tell. And I feel some sadness. By the way, that was a story. That was a story, yes. That was a story. Which you could tell your daughter. There was a mama who got very tired and calm. And her daughter asked her to tell a story in the whole wide world. But she couldn't think of one. And she got... But when she got worried, she realized she had a story.

[88:07]

So she told her daughter. and so on. You're not losing your creative abilities. And that's the story. But sometimes when you're tired, the story is barely able to say, I'm tired. So then the story of I'm tired is told by Mommy falling asleep. That's the story. I asked for a story and the story mommy showed me was a sleeping mommy. I'd like to be able to tell stories that are helpful. You'd like to be able to tell stories that are helpful. Tell us a story, Meg. You promised you would.

[89:08]

Once there was someone who went to Tassajara, and while she was there, while she was just happily meditating, someone else came along and started telling her story. And the whole world changed. Have you told Elizabeth this story? Bits and pieces, when she's ready. Then what happened, Mommy? Where's Paul?

[90:22]

There he is. I have a confession to make, and I would like to make it to you into the whole song. May I face them? A year ago, almost to the day, right over there, I received the precepts, and it was really a wonderful experience for me. And at first I felt like, when we read that Prajnaparamita, I felt all full of light and wonderful and happy. And then I got into trouble and I didn't know it. And it took me months to figure out what had happened. we have framed in our house sentient beings, I've had to save them, all four of those, and I took it so personally.

[91:32]

I really thought that was my job alone. I lost the distinction of dependent, co-arising, and then me. I didn't know what the I was doing in that sentence. The I confused me, or I got confused. And I took it very personally. A lot of stuff came at me of suffering in the world, and I thought it was... My vow was to save all beings and all those other things. And I got into trouble. I just wanted to confess that, that I kind of diminished what this was all about by making it about me and my understanding.

[92:36]

So I wanted to just apologize or acknowledge or confess that the right word is there. I also want to confess that I think I was prideful of taking the precepts. And with my non-Buddhist friends I felt like... I wasn't crummy about it, but it was like, oh, special me. And then when I got into difficulty I was ashamed and I felt like I was... putting a bad light on the practice. I had quite a ride. And it's something I continue to struggle with, is what's me?

[93:37]

in the face of dependent co-arising, that it's all happening. I'm still bouncing around with that. My will, my intention, my commitment, my power versus trusting and knowing that it's all arising interdependently, well, perfectly. Well, there's that teaching. There's that teaching. But to learn the Buddha way, which is the realization of that teaching and the origin of that teaching, you study the self. So study that self and don't so much bounce around with it, but more like calmly study the self, study how your mind sees you in relationship to the world, study your karma, learn about it, and you will learn the way of the precepts, the way of the Buddha through this field.

[94:58]

The teachings come from understanding yourself. come from understanding how your mind creates a picture of you in relationship to the world and the precepts. That's what you need to learn about in order to learn the Buddha way. And so you did see something here. You saw the self and you saw how you saw it in relationship to these commitments. And so there's more to learn there. That's where to be. You can't skip over that. May I say another thing? This fall, Paul and I had a chance to have a very difficult moment when he

[96:05]

Officially died. His heart stopped and his pulse stopped. And a lot of people saved his life. Who happened to just be there. Some of them were professionals, some were not. Just happened to be there, like a lot of them. And my relationship to interdependence shifted as a result. All these people I had in categories, police, fire people, people I don't really care much about or think much about, they showed up. And as a result, my life is completely different. And so I feel profoundly in touch with the unseen interdependence as a result of that experience, deeply.

[97:10]

And like every day, it's a real big experience for me. OK, I have a short poem. Very short. Contentedly, in the cold January sunlight, this is the answer. What's the question? Is it long? I don't think so. It's an excerpt from, it's called Another Poem of Gifts by George Louis Borges.

[98:12]

A few people had said they didn't know of him, and I didn't memorize it, but I just wrote it. It's applicable to what we're studying now. So it's Another Poem of Gifts. I want to give thanks to the divine labyrinth of causes and effects for the diversity of beings that form this singular universe. For reason up its dream of a map of the labyrinth. For love, which lets us see others as God sees them. For the blazing fire that no one can look at without an ancient wonder. For mahogany, cedar, and sandalwood. Bread and salt. For the art of friendship. For the mystery of the rose that spins all its color and cannot see it. For the medicinal smell of eucalyptus trees.

[99:16]

For speech, which can be taken. For forgetfulness, which annuls or modifies the past. for habits which repeat us and confirm us in our image like a mirror, for mourning that gives the illusion of a new beginning, for the bravery of others, for the intimate gifts I do not mention, and for music, that mysterious form of time. That's kind of amazing, huh? It's almost like you changed the words to make it fit. Well, I left a lot out. I mean, it's almost like for him to say the labyrinth of causes and conditions. Awfully close to our usual way of discussing.

[100:20]

Yes. Somebody in my country uses this to tell stories. Somebody in my country uses this to tell stories. Today, as I was telling my story to somebody of a vulnerable child

[101:22]

sensible child, vulnerable, sensible child who suffered for her. I felt it was getting distant. The story was getting distant, and it no longer pertained to me. I have the intention to change the suffering for joy. I have a question. Can you hear her?

[102:33]

That's a problem. Please speak up. Do you have a question? Would you like to ask a question? Yes. Gracias. Do stories arise or do we let the stories... Or do we let the stories arise? Or elect. Elect? Or do the stories arise, or do we elect the stories? The stories arise, and part of the story can be that we elect the story. In all the different meanings of elect. Could you say the different meanings of elect? One is like, you choose. In other words, that you vote for.

[103:35]

So in a sense, in story-making there is an election process that goes on, but it's part of a story. Could you play this for me please? Could I play this? One thing else. One thing else? One thing else? Thank you to everybody. I felt like if this was a big circle, and we were... May I turn you around to the circle?

[104:51]

Yes. You felt that if it was a big circle... Yes. And there was a... in the middle... And all the stories were like many, many lives, my own life, this interdependency. And as I told today, the abyss, once I was in the jungles. And in Spanish, we call this hoguera. The bonfire is called hoguera.

[105:52]

And from this hoguera comes the word hogar. And this is how I felt here. Hogar is home. Thank you. When I hear Lauren sing, I have to confess, I think I'm singing. Some great ancient wonder seems to come through her voice to me. And I encourage her to sing.

[106:57]

You encourage her to sing for you? And all beings. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one. No, I didn't mean for you to ask. I take away and just admit that you encourage her, if you do, do you encourage her to sing for you? Yes, I do. And you encourage all of us to sing for you? No, I don't. As a matter of fact, when you sing, I'm never confused. It's not me singing. So you don't want me to sing for you? No, I encourage you to sing. I just wanted you to know that I'm not confused about... Right, but do you encourage me to sing for you?

[108:05]

Yes, I do. And I don't know quite how to express this. There's a very deep feeling in my, there's a very deep feeling when I, the first time I heard Lauren sing, she sang Stormy Weather. at the end of Sashin. And it was the first moment when I actually felt the tiniest little spark of maybe something like the Buddha way, Buddha mind, Buddha heart, with stormy weather. And that

[109:10]

that sound has stayed with me. And I sit next to Lauren in the Zen Dome. Even when she's not here, I kind of hear her singing. It's very interesting. So may I turn and say thank you to her? Thank you. I'm curious about taking refuge in Sangha, harmony to all beings, to everyone, free from hindrance. Because, like we all witness, the extensive stories that arose from what you said yesterday,

[110:19]

at the end of the talk. There's always going to be someone who disagrees or can find the other side. So where does that actually come from? Could you hear his question? Yes. You want a story? Okay. The story that I tell now is that Sangha is the field where beings can work on expressing their stories, being heard and misunderstood by other people telling their stories, and where there can be disagreement, but where it's a situation in which people are working together on their story and their disagreements.

[111:21]

And where you can work on your... where you can express yourself and where you will be able to return to even when people disagree with your story and where you will be able to tell your next story, which might be that you disagree with them or that you agree with them, it's the place where you can work on this. That's Sangha. there's some people which we disagree with, perhaps, or anyway some people with whom we do not express ourselves because for whatever reason, like we're afraid that we'll offend them, we're afraid they'll disagree with us. That place... But if in that place where you're afraid to express yourself to those people, you do anyway, then the Sangha is there. When we shrink away from and don't use the opportunity to meet with somebody, then the Sangha is forgotten for the moment.

[112:30]

So Sangha includes that we disagree with each other. It grows on that. It shows the harmony. It shows that we can be in harmony with people who we strenuously disagree with. But in order to find the harmony, we may have to... Well, part of finding harmony can be done inwardly, working on your story of disagreement inwardly. But part of it has to be done interpersonally. So, can you and I disagree nonviolently, harmoniously? And the answer may be, not yet. may be able to work on it until we reach out a way to intimately interact with someone who disagrees with us.

[113:34]

This is sort of the growing edge of harmony. It's okay to be in harmony with people you agree with. That's fine. I have no problem with that. That's Sangha too. But the life of Sangha is really at the place where we disagree and where we're tolerant, respectful, and appreciative of those who we disagree with. And questioning our story about people is a key ingredient in being able to interact with people who we have a story about that they disagree with us and vice versa. Sangha is the place to work on harmony, but it doesn't mean that everybody agrees. That's a cult. You know, a cult in the sense of the negative meaning of cult, of a group of people who all agree, and the people outside disagree, and they don't communicate with them.

[114:38]

So the thing about Zen Center is we do have some diversity of opinion. For me, part of the reason why it's good for me to be at Zen Center is because there's particularly diversity of opinion about me. So it's nice for me. Not everybody my way of practice. And even the people who appreciate it disagree about what's worthy of appreciation. And they're trying to realize harmony in their different views about what's to be appreciated. And some people don't appreciate. That's their view. It's not a practice to be appreciated. But even they may disagree with each other about how to eliminate me. But if they express themselves to me, then we have a sangha. Because then I interact, and in the dance, we'll forget about our stories about each other.

[115:47]

And harmony will be realized. So that's part of what Zen Center actually is trying to do, is get more diversity of people in here. And by having more disagreement... the depth of the harmony will be deepened, will be augmented. Because there's a tendency to try to weed out, find out, get a certain group of people who agree and then weed out the other people. And that's one strategy for harmony. But I think you're bringing up the point that people will always disagree, there will always be people taking different roles, in the process. For a while I had the idea of agree to disagree.

[116:50]

That statement is, you know, just agree to disagree if you can't come to some conclusion with another individual. But then it's kind of one way that you're living in smaller communities, it's kind of easier to do. but I mean in the sense of do you just kind of agree to disagree or kind of recognizing the differences and where you can't really necessarily meet opinion about something but that that being the harmony but there's where is the where is the improvement and where is like the the the actualization in physical form and that progress, as opposed to just circular, you know, I disagree with you, okay, fine. And then move along, you know, as opposed to kind of... Well, what you're saying may be a helpful ingredient in the process, agreeing to disagree.

[117:58]

Or accepting is maybe a key element in the process. But the point is that the actual, when you actually learn the process, it's basically leaping. You leap free of your own story. It isn't just that you hold your story and agree to disagree with somebody. You have your own story. You leap forth from your story. If you're able to do that personally, that's wonderful, and it will help other people to be able to do that more, too, probably just by leading by example. But, I mean, in a sense, what if the other person doesn't? You know, that vibe where you're okay and you're going, you know, you recognize that that's part of it, whereas, you know, Well, you keep interacting with them, and in the process, they will learn how to leap.

[118:59]

But some people are less mature than others, so they're not ready to learn to leap. I mean, they're learning to leap, but they're not ready to leap. The Buddha way is leaping. And then there's learning the Buddha way. And learning the Buddha way is to learn about your own stories. When you learn about your own stories, you will forget them and you will leap into the Buddha way. If we don't learn about our stories, we'll be trapped in them. And we won't feel enlightened by all the other people who they're not leaping either, some of them. But when you're leaping, you are enlightened by all the other people who are not leaping. They enlighten you and you're grateful to them and they wonder what you're so grateful to them about and they're interested in you because you're a reasonable person. They think you're a reasonable person because you appreciate them.

[120:04]

And they listen to you and they watch you and they wonder how you can be appreciative of all the different stuff, all the different ways that they are holding on to their stories. And the reason you can appreciate them is because you've learned about your own and now you're leaping. So they will want to start studying, or they've already studied, they're already looking, and they will be encouraged to continue if you can show them that you can appreciate them, all their stories, and while they're holding on to their stories and suffering. Buddha's light just keeps beaming until people open to it. Leaping gives off a great light. And leaping is possible because of learning the self, learning karma.

[121:09]

It's lunchtime, I guess, huh? You're welcome. Amen.

[121:30]

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