What have we been learning during this three-week intensive? Innumerable kinds of learning. We've been learning how to be wet. We've been learning the Buddha way. And we've been learning that learning the Buddha way is loving the Buddha way. And loving the Buddha way is loving karmic consciousness.

[01:06]

And loving karmic consciousness is loving sentient beings. We're learning to love all karmic consciousnesses and all sentient beings. And learning and loving karmic consciousness is understanding that karmic consciousness is deeply not karmic consciousness. loving karmic consciousness and understanding that it is not karmic consciousness.

[02:38]

All attachments to it drop away. And in this understanding our vow to live for the welfare of all beings is realized. our vow to practice the bodhisattva precepts is realized. And we have also learned

[03:45]

how difficult it is to consistently be still and present, to fully give our love to each karmic consciousness. To remember to be still in each moment. To be mindfully present with each karmic consciousness. To be gentle and calm and give up trying to control it.

[04:54]

To be welcoming and patient with it. to be honest about it, and to not dwell in it. For every moment that I have not been present for karmic consciousness and fully loved it, I am sincerely sorry. But I still wish to continue the practice of loving it and loving the Buddha way.

[06:10]

Thank you for inviting me to say this over and over. Since this is our 20th day of the intensive retreat and fifth day of this session, there's an opportunity for all of you to express yourself, if you'd like, to demonstrate and share and rejoice in your love of all sentient beings. in your love of your karmic consciousness, your love of the Buddha way.

[07:41]

which, of course, we all support you in loving this way. This will sound like Dear Abby.

[09:03]

Dear Abby, I don't like to dance. I like to make conversation. And I don't know what it means to dance with fears and other parts of my karmic consciousness that trouble me. I can chat. I can try to love. I can have a drink with them. But I don't know what dancing means with them. I don't know. whether they're big or little, little like, you know, just screwing up here and there and hiding it so people won't see me being more afraid of what people will think than the breach of form or the whatever.

[10:11]

I can acknowledge that and I can be kind to myself a bit. I don't know what it means to dance with it. Could you help me? Dear, I don't know how to dance. even though you think you don't know how to dance, my informants have told me that you've been practicing at a Zen dance studio, and they told me you think you can't dance, but they love your dance very much.

[11:21]

They're deeply touched by the way you give yourself to the dance. even while you say, I don't know how. The form of the dance, there are many forms of the dance. It can be a conversation dance, it can be a physical dance, it can be a feeling dance, a wisdom dance, An intuition dance, it can be a dance with the rain, with the wind, with fear. And you can think, I'm a good dancer, I'm a bad dancer, and that can be part of the dance. It's not the dance, but it's not separate from it.

[12:21]

So you're already dancing and you don't have to stop thinking, you don't know how. In the intimacy of the dance we do not actually know who our partner is, what the dance is, or who we are. All we do is realize the dance and this is what helps all beings. So please continue being who you are, which is really difficult. And you're welcome to think you can't dance as long as you think you can't dance. Thank you for giving us your word.

[13:49]

Could you speak up please? Thank you for giving us your word and the word and I vow to give you my word and even the word even though I don't know what it is. I'm happy to witness your vow. And I'm very happy to give it. May your good health continue. When I hear that all living beings just have karma consciousness, it makes me think that that is what we carry from one life to the next.

[15:23]

Because if that's what we just have, then we don't leave anything behind when we leave a life. That's what Dogen Zenji says. It isn't that we carry it, but it gets transmitted not as a permanent thing, a substantial thing, but transmitted because there's a condition for further karmic consciousnesses. Is that karmic consciousness eternal? It is not eternal and it is not substantial. But it is beloved. If we love it, there will be no problems but further loving of it.

[16:28]

If we don't love it, it will be a big neglected child and it will tighten in around us more and more until we start loving. And we will eventually love it and become Buddha. But some people require quite a bit of pressure before they start loving. Some people, just a little touch is enough for them to get the idea. If it's not eternal, does that mean it has no beginning and no end? Correct. However, karmic consciousness is where beginning and end is conjured up. So the place for beginning and end

[17:30]

are dreamed of, doesn't have a beginning and an end. So it's constantly beginning and constantly ending? No, it's not really beginning and ending. It's just changing. It's arising and ceasing without beginning and end. Okay. And it can look back at the arising and ceasing, but the arising and ceasing, it doesn't really arise or cease either. But it appears to, it presents itself as a rising and ceasing. It presents itself having beginnings and ends. It presents itself as suffering. So we have to learn to be with it without clinging to it. Clinging to it is the definition of suffering.

[18:33]

and it presents itself as something that really needs to be attached to. And we sentient beings attached to our common consciousness so the therapy for it is compassion until we don't dwell and then this wisdom of not dwelling with it. And then it's just an opportunity for sharing the practice with innumerable beings. That's my vow. I'd like to tell you one other thing. I have here with me my father's gold watch that he received from the Mack Truck Company for 35 years of service. Mack Truck. I've had it for 24 years. It has always lost somewhere around two minutes a day.

[19:40]

In the last three weeks, it has kept perfect time. The rain of 10,000 Buddhas has pelted down on this roof.

[21:07]

The wind of Tenshin Roshi's Dharma has blown through these doors The waves of this beautiful Sangha have broken on this shore. May this stream of Dharma find her true loving expression, and way. May it be so. Yeah!

[23:21]

Yeah! Yeah! I wish I could be so succinct. It is not my gift.

[24:26]

And I think one of the reasons I'm here is to discover what is my gift. Can you hear her in the back? Forty-two years ago today, when I was 17, I became a mother. And... Congratulations. Well, yes and no. That has shaped my karmic consciousness beyond what I'll ever really understand. But during this last three weeks, I have been dealing with one of the most prominent issues that comes up for me in my life related to having been a mother for most of my life.

[25:38]

And that is... trying to understand the emptiness of the three wheels of giver, receiver, and gift. I grew up as a good little Southern Baptist girl. And I got the message, I think, probably in the womb, of take care of everybody. Take care of everybody. The reason for life is to love others. And my understanding of that at that time was give, give, give.

[26:41]

Give until you don't have anything else to give and then give us some more. And when I became a mother, that was really clear. You give when you're so exhausted you don't feel like you can breathe. And anything that comes up that you need, well, that's just selfish. And you push that away and figure out what somebody else is needing. And it was often a child or a husband or someone was always there to fill the picture in the gap. And I also learned that any time I did try to address what I thought I needed, I would be punished for it.

[27:42]

And it was bad, it was wrong, it was the ultimate bad word, selfish. And other times when I made greater forays into let's take care of Judy. I was Judy Lynn then. I suffered pain that was almost unbearable. And so it's pretty easy for me to see what a big issue and struggle that is for me. And I felt like I got lost in this struggle. And it was that feeling that brought me to Zen eight years ago. And I didn't...

[28:45]

And, you know, there's been some progress along the way. And I was given my Dharma name, which is Choko Kangen, which was translated for me as morning light, generous source. Well, I really am not at all clear about about the morning light part. But boy, did I think I had it on the generous source thing, right? Oh, right, that one. That one I had in my both ignorance and arrogance thought I understood. My teacher let me know I needed to live with it and I'd probably learn a lot more. Well, being here I have learned a whole lot more.

[29:57]

And I know that today's learning may be tomorrow's delusion, but the current version or at least the way this is seeping into me has just come from so many directions. You set the tone by telling us our job was to not just study karmic consciousness, and that meant all this stuff in me, but to love it. I couldn't get to the love. I just, all of the other stuff kept getting in the way. But I did try and you could see what was wrapping me up as the mummy, right? And then it would, when we chant at every meal about the emptiness of the three wheels,

[31:08]

And Orioki seemed to also just personify the blurring of the lines between the giver and the receiver and the gift. And I participated in a tea ceremony. And once again, I was brought to tears by the profound way that The way I had separated those things dissolved in that ceremony. And then I was dealing what was going on at home. And this was a home I was sleeping in here. And I guess the second day that I was here is when Jeannie fell. And I was next door to Jeannie. And it was really easy to love and take care of Jeannie in what little ways that I could.

[32:19]

That was really easy. And it was kind of a shock to me to see how I could so readily love someone that I don't know. And I couldn't love this person that I supposedly am the closest to and know the most. And I began to see and feel how stingy I have been with myself. And I started learning, practicing, I haven't learned it, it'll be a big practice, to be patient and kind with that karmic consciousness that's stingy with myself. And Then, you know, if you tried to write this as a screenplay, you wouldn't believe it.

[33:23]

Because next door to me, well, no, first in my room, I was living in a somewhat bigger than a closet space with a roommate. So how in the world was I going to find the space and the stillness inside that shoebox with another person and I'm supposed to be here now taking care of me and look what life has thrown at me this other person and darn it on top of it all she's real needy she needs to rest I'm in the way Well, I'll go on long walks so she can have the room. Well, that was fine because it was beautiful weather and I could do that and it was a gift. It was a gift to go on these walks with myself. And then the rains came.

[34:26]

And then... And a panic. I started having a bit of a panic. What am I going to do? How am I going to take care of myself? And I went to practice discussions about this, and I was just all boxing myself up again in that. And then a bodhisattva named Tracy appeared. Now, believe it or not, my daughter's name is Tracy. I told you if it was a screenplay, you wouldn't believe it. So Tracy appears with, as far as I know, nobody saying a word to her. And remember, she's the person who comes up here and talks about how selfish and self-centered she was. Well, she comes up to my roommate and me and says, would you like to swap rooms? I've got this great big room. with actually a lot of amenities.

[35:28]

It has a sink in it. And you can have my room and I'll take your room. And so she gave us, gave me this space that I needed to be able to be with myself. And not only that, She came up here in front of everybody and talked about things that were clearly painful and difficult and shared. And what her sharing helped me see was how she had what I see as the wisdom to take care of herself and to receive and transmit the stillness in a way that then allowed her not only to save her being but to save all kinds of other beings because

[36:47]

I don't think I'm the only one that has benefited from the wholehearted way she has served in the Zendo and that she offered up her room and that she's come before us to share her painful words. And so, again, there was this dissolving of giver, receiver, and gift. because she didn't know that by giving to herself at the time how she was giving to all of us. And I've come to see that the real hang-up for me is not giving, it's being receptive. it's being receptive to the stillness and going, it's like stepping back into the light where the stillness is.

[37:58]

And from that, giving happens. And there's then, there's just, there's no separation. And As a part of that, I see that when I give but I'm resenting giving, I'm not giving a gift. I'm in fact putting the other person in the position to be a taker. They can't even receive because I'm not giving it. My resentment is making the separation. And so, boy, I'm on really quite the little dance here. And I just cannot thank you enough for being the music director for...

[39:02]

telling me to face the music and dance. And for you, all of you, the way you have received and transmitted the stillness has allowed me to find my stillness. And I think for me it often gets personified in the way you hold me when I'm crying. I don't need to be comforted. I don't need to be asked what's wrong. I don't need to be physically held. I need your stillness and to be held in that stillness.

[40:09]

And you have given that gift to me in a way that I am profoundly grateful. And the vow that I want to make, not want to make, the vow I'm making is I'm going to stop seeing the things that I'm dealing with as struggles. like this three-wheel business. It's not a struggle because if I look at it and feel it like a struggle, I can't be still with that. I'm wrestling. And I'm going to stop the struggle. And instead, I vow to embrace, get intimate with, and have fun dancing with

[41:14]

these things that I think are problems. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, as I was coming into the Zendo... Can you hear her in the back?

[42:19]

Louder, please. Okay. As I was coming into the Zendo, and shortly before that, I was thinking... I was feeling a lot of sorrow, remembering or thinking of... all of the beings I've encountered during a rather long life and the opportunities missed to understand and to acknowledge that understanding, the opportunities missed to let go and love rather than judge. And then I came in and you expressed that you were sorry for all the times you failed to love karmic consciousness.

[43:35]

Those were my very feelings that you were expressing And the other day, I have a confession that the other day when you began to talk about thinking and non-thinking and not thinking and thinking in all directions, It's the only time in any of your talks that I've wanted to transform myself into a bird and fly out the window. It was not good. But you redeemed yourself the next day. Thank you for the image of tango, because I love tango, and you know I'm a dancer, and it all became clear.

[44:43]

You found the right path for me. So I have this image that you've handed me, And it seemed to transform for me into a gesture we do all the time. And it's hard to talk and do it, but I was thinking That this is thinking. And this is thinking. This is thinking. And this is not thinking. No, this is non-thinking. And this is... Bowing. Bowing. Bowing. to the unknown, I think, to not knowing.

[45:53]

That's all. I can't put any other name to it. Pardon? Can you what? Can you see them? Yeah. You want to show them? Maybe stand this here and This is thinking. This is not thinking. This is non-thinking. And her non-thinking is bowing to the, she said, the unknowable. The unknowable is loving the unknowable thing about the dance between thinking and not thinking. Is that right? Thank you. It's a different moment than the one I was stepping before.

[47:27]

Can you hear her in the back? Louder, please. That is a different moment, this moment, than the one I was stepping before Santa arrived. So it's interesting to watch that. I want to offer a story. And I want afterwards to turn around. You want to turn around? Afterwards. Okay. And when I arrive this time for this machine... You want to tell everyone the story? Yeah, I do. Why don't you stand here? Okay. Mm-hmm. When I arrived this time for this session, I came and I still am with a very, very deep gratitude and gratefulness.

[48:31]

And I arrived perhaps a few hours before Sashina started. And I stepped into the library to iron the orioki cloth. And there was a book. just the ones that are put in the shelf to give back. And once in a while, I glance to see which books are there. And there was one, Hakuin's Verses. And I just opened. And there was this verse. The demon said, hey, where are you going? It is not fair to everyone that is stepping towards the West.

[49:37]

And the West was named as the Buddha Dharma. Hey. It seemed like it was talking to my demon. My demon was talking. Where are you going? I'm coming to the Zendo to face the Buddha Dharma. Demon said, hey, that is not fair. I closed the book and I thought it was kind of nice. And after that, I checked an email before Sashin started, and that was like, to set the tone for Sashin. It was an email that it was something I needed to clarify, and I wasn't able because I wasn't home. And it left me with lots of karmic consciousness in my brain.

[50:42]

And it all seemed like a perfect setup for what the teachings that you are giving. And I wanted to come several times to tell this story, and I didn't have it quite. And today I went back and peeked in the book again at Hakuinverse, and I had missed the title of, there is also a little art, and the title was The Absence of the Demond. And he continued and said, where is the demon? It must have gone to the bathhouse. And there is in the art, there is no demon in the art, no demon, and just the tiger cape left with the iron pole.

[51:52]

And I vow to bring my demons along. And I want to thank you. I want to thank you now, and I want to thank you for a time that I was in deep crisis, and I received immeasurable help. You may know and you may not know, but you have helped me immensely. And thank you very much. I noticed when there was a conversation between dear Abby and the one who cannot, does not know how to dance.

[53:51]

Can you hear her? it occurred to me, the thought came, that this may be the last formal occasion that I will participate in as Eno, and that as Eno, I have had many opportunities to be deeply aware of the ways in which the dancer cannot know the dance. And I'm very grateful for having had this opportunity to serve as Eno. And I'm also very sorry for the many ways, both visible to me and not visible to me, that aspects of my karmic being come forth that are harmful, which I recently called bad Catherine in conversation with Linda Ruth, who asked me to find a different name for her.

[54:55]

So I was hoping to say this while the kitchen were still here, so I hope someone will convey this to the people in the kitchen as well. And then I'd like to say one other thing, if I may. When you spoke about the butterfly, you gave a metaphor of the chrysalis or cocoon and the butterfly that will come forth. I felt something came up in me of the image of a little blue moth. A little blue moth. A little blue moth. And I feel that I'm wrapped up in this cocoon and the literal one is getting rather tattered and torn and needs repair, which when I'm no longer Eno, I hope to repair. But that that The little blue moth wants to get out of the cocoon and fly.

[55:59]

And the little blue moth, I love the little blue moth. The little blue moth is a grandma who just got a new grandma photo. And the little blue moth writes novels. And the little blue moth kind of wants to dance off. And then there's also some part of that little blue moth that really came into the cocoon in the hope of becoming a great butterfly. And it stops there. The little blue moth doesn't know whether to fly away or whether to stay longer in the hope of becoming a great butterfly. So I think I left out one thing, which I want to say to you, but also to everybody. So I said thank you, and I said I'm sorry, and what I haven't said is I love you.

[57:01]

and ask me to be able to see the response when I say that. So I'm going to take a moment and look at everybody. Some of you are pretty far away, but I can still see you smile. Oops, I missed somebody over there. I heard the voice. Where did it come from? Oh, thank you, Eileen. I had my glasses on. Without my glasses, I would have recognized who it was, probably. Thank you. Thank you. The little blue moth needs to learn to be loved and to receive love as well as to give. Oh, good. Who was that, Zante? Hi, Zante. I love bad Zante, too. Yeah. Okay. I see someone. You what? Oh, thank you.

[58:06]

Thank you. Yeah. I'm missing some eyes over here, but maybe later I'll see those eyes. I love the softness in your face when you tell us you love us. That's a blue moth, too. Okay, I think I've made my way around, almost around the room. I love your honesty. Okay, we are getting a little too much now. Okay. I'll get my love vest in a few months. By then I should know how to receive it. I love your barrier. My barrier? Thank you. I'm sorry still to those whose eyes must remain cast out. Hi everybody.

[59:41]

I think I'm really jealous of everyone. Not everyone, but I generalize. because everyone has such cool stories. So I want to just kind of give a gift. I'm going to turn on the tap of my karmic consciousness in just a second after I introduce it. So the way I see myself, I guess, is we hear things from Tenshin Roshi about receiving whatever comes. If there's black, you love the black. If there's white, then you love the white, good and bad, whatever. And if it's all gray and you can't see it, then you love that. You always sort of include whatever's there. So there's some place in a way that's on top of it or in it or is it that is white in a way, but also black. It's okay with everything. Unfortunately for me, I feel like I'm making it gray even when I am looking at the gray, so there's always gray.

[60:51]

There's no white ever, including the black or anything, just gray. Everyone has stories in this wonderful arc, like Judy, right? Amazing story. It was like a screenplay. I mean, just so much shape. And I've had stories in my life. I've done stuff. But for the last years that I can pretty much remember being similar to now, it's more like mincemeat or something. Everything is little tiny pieces. So I'm going to show you what that's like. Because normally that spins off and I become distracted and I just do something else for a while. I think. I don't know. But I think I just go off and do something else. Like fantasize about swimming pools with robotic fish. That's one of the things I do. Or I sing songs to myself in there. That's what Zazen is like. So here's what it's like. And it's gonna sound like a lot of ideas, maybe.

[61:53]

But don't worry, I'm not really saying anything. Nothing to be. This is how it is. So, everything I just said is nonsense. Everything is nonsense. I don't care about what I said at all. It doesn't include any meaning. There's no force in it. I said it because I'm in front of a bunch of people. And I wanna say that stuff. I don't care about it at all. It's just there's a goal, there's a priority when you're talking to people and you admit those priorities and you do what's according to the priority. But I don't care about the priority. There's nothing there. But now I'm just talking about Priorities and stuff and it's just intellectual ideas again. So I'm just tricking myself into Thinking I'm saying something real but really it's just a method of Trying to say something real So that I can be happy so I'm just aiming for happiness and aiming is okay I don't see anything wrong with aiming but there really is some tension there and now I'm talking about how there really is tension so that I can transcend that original method and

[62:58]

And I've been doing this method for a long time and I'm just repeating it over and over again to myself and now I'm saying it again. Here's the method again so that I can get down below the surface and really be where I am. And that too is futile and useless and I don't know. And there's a whole bunch of people in front of me and they're all really interesting and amazing. Like, what is your name? Jeff, I was so astounded by your first, when you first talked to Tenshin Roshi, I just wanted to, like, just sit by you and give you a hug or something. I think, really, I mean, everyone is so inspiring. There's a whole, I had this moment, like, and now it sounds positive, like I'm saying good things, but I am a little caught up in it, though, so I'm going to go on. But, like, two days ago, we were getting up for service, and I realized this room is full of people. full of people. I'm like 23 years old and these people have, some of them have lived that twice or three times.

[63:59]

And they're just like me. And they're willing to come up and say things. I like, I was so overwhelmed. This is a room full of like infinite beings. Like, if I can feel the way I feel about the mincemeat in me, like, just fearing and wanting so much and not wanting and being just gray all the time, everyone has that. It's like, I can't even... Like, Luca, look at you. Like, you're... You're amazing. You're amazing. I really... Whenever you talk, I just, like, who is this guy? I mean, I could just... I could live in your head for days. And that goes for everybody, really. Like... I think I kind of have a crush on everyone and I don't get it. And here I am talking and here's my method again, right? So usually this grayness keeps me safe. I'm just going to say a little bit more, not too much. It keeps me safe because I'm not thinking about anything at all. I'm just kind of going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

[65:03]

And so I don't really have to ever settle anywhere. So the image that arises is kind of small and gray, but the idea is basically I'm kind of likable and very confused and sort of I can bridge gaps and maybe I'm somewhat smart and all this stuff. So I have this image of myself and what I did was I decided to turn on this tab just for myself and let the discursive thoughts go crazy. And I realized that wow, I'm kind of messed up and really dark. I'm kind of like I'm a farm boy. I'm Catholic. I'm all these things that are kind of like, oh, what a wholesome young man. Yeah. But turns out, my goodness, I was punching myself in my face, in my head. I was punching everybody, actually. I don't know if I punched you, but I could have. Maybe I'll make an appointment.

[66:05]

I had all this violence and wonderful stuff. I just wanted to go to the end of it all. So I've come trying to go to the end of it all, and this is my current consciousness. Mince, mince, mince, mince, mince. So whenever you have a big, beautiful story arc, feel very grateful. Because I am just nothing. And it's crazy. And I don't like it, and I don't like that I'm talking about it. Anything. So I just wanted to turn on the tap. I'll turn off the tap. Oh, just one thing. I really like you, Kevin. I could say this to everyone, but... Love is, okay, I'm not going to say it. But I think I do love you. I mean, you've been my teacher in many ways.

[67:08]

You will always be Eno the Catherine, you know? Because I was there from the beginning and you've always been messy and complicated and just alive and... So thank you, Blue Moth. So I think I'm done. I don't know who just got up there. It just felt like I needed to do this.

[68:11]

And I'm holding a small sort of contracted, scared self. I don't want to put any pressure on her. Can you hear her? Hold it a little closer to you. Okay. You're holding a contracted self and you don't want to put pressure on her? Mm-hmm. So I'm just going to let her settle and speak from a space that has been fed and nourished here. It feels bigger, endless. This is day one, Dogen's birthday. I'm listening to the rain, and you had vast rain in my name.

[69:35]

And where I live, there's always rain. And there's always trouble. And in my earlier life, I grew up with troubles in Northern Ireland, with conflict, with hatred. I experienced it and I felt it and I've lived it. And coming to this practice has been with the intention to learn how to die. So the teachings that I've received here from you have been profound and Rumi has a poem about being cooked like a chickpea.

[70:44]

I can't remember what it's called, but for the past three weeks I feel like I've been cooked by everybody here. And yesterday felt like a really wholehearted beginning to a new life. And when I... came to the Zendo for the ceremony, it felt like a room full of Buddhas. I felt so supported by everybody here and inspired by everybody here in the depth of practice to to live by the commitment of the precepts and dance in the rain.

[71:51]

Thank you so much. I really identified with what Louis said about his Zazen. Mine was maybe not quite as inventive, but a lot of cheesy songs. And yesterday I felt envious.

[72:59]

I felt like, you know, this practice period has been sort of a disappointment. And then last night, this was such a miracle, I think, this little voice said, you expected something you came here to get something and and and just In that moment, I realized that was the truth. And it was as if everything shifted. Even though the tiny little voice was so small and subtle, I don't know how I heard it. But from then on, I thought, I'm going to make a vow. And I want to thank TALIS for sort of beginning the vowing that's been going on here. I really love that. I'd like to make a vow that I can, I better not say qualify it. I vow from this moment on to give, how do I want to say this? For everything that I say and do, be a gift freely given to the universe and all the sentient beings in it.

[74:07]

Hello, everybody. It's so nice to be able to talk in this way. Can you hear in the back? Can you hear? I've realized in this intensive that it's been bittersweet because I haven't been able to do the things that I love doing, like serving, like being a Soku, like being your Jisha, like being at the altar. On the other hand, I am so grateful to this practice because it's really saved my life. I never would have gotten through this period without what I've learned in sitting in the these seeds for all these years. So I was going to ask Rep and his jisha if they would offer incense for me at the altar because I miss going to the altar. And then I realized I can just drive there. So I'll buy that seed.

[75:42]

And I won't offer incense because I'll burn the zento down. But I will go up and bow. And if you would all join me, I would deeply appreciate it. I've been sitting here listening to people sharing and wondering what I would share and if I was going to share.

[80:17]

And then Grace shared and I just joined her in a bow. And I want to say that I'm deeply touched One of the things that I really am aware of right now is my own mortality and the mortality of people I love. And I've not talked with you. I had to ask what your name was before I came up here. But I have been aware of you all this time, of your presence as someone who is participating who certainly must be dealing with your own sense of mortality. And I'm very touched with the grace with which you bear your mortality.

[81:24]

And so I want to say thank you. And to everyone here, thank you for your stillness. It was truly astonishing to me to sit here and realize that I was actually in the room with how many people? I was told 100 at one time. And it was just as quiet as it is when I'm in my room by myself. Very quiet, but I could feel, I could sense your presence here. in the evenings in the refuges also felt that very strong sense of communion with everyone, a real sense of sangha in a way that felt deeper than what I normally experience. So basically I'm here to say thank you, Grace.

[82:28]

And thank you all for sharing this journey and coming to terms with our mortality. I read recently that humans like bees evolved in intensely social situations and that humans don't do well when freed from the hive. So I feel like I've been freed from the hive for a little while because I said I want to be freed from the hive and I've gotten to buzz around and

[83:37]

see a lot of neat scenery and dance with bees from a lot of different hives, and that's been kind of fun. But also, I miss the hive. It's also kind of painful. So I just wanted to say I've been very happy this week getting to buzz around inside the hive with everybody. What is the precious thing wrapped up in that robe?

[85:19]

Intimacy. With what? With what? I deeply appreciate and respect you. And it was an honor to sew. And I feel this way about the other beings in this room too. And I get so afraid of all of you too. The intimacy is awesome. I agree.

[86:28]

And I still so aspire to be a dancer. Somebody wanted to buy me a Christmas gift when I was visiting a home, and I picked out dancing shoes. I don't know what I'll use them for here at Green Gulch, but they're in my room. And John, I've said this before, Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin. Dance me through the panic, especially the panic, till I'm gathered safely in.

[87:42]

Show me slowly what I only know the limits of. Dance me to the end of love. Dance me to the end of love. So, in terms of my body, this has been the most difficult time I've had at Zen Center, by far.

[88:57]

I don't think I've missed a sitting before this retreat. In all other ways, it's been the best experience I've had here. I was invited to first come in practice, invited to the intensive, Then I was invited to help with the work practice. I'm very grateful for that invitation, that opportunity. Then I was invited to take part in the precept ceremony. Another great opportunity. And like I told you, it was especially meaningful to receive the precepts with all these witnesses. To have worked beside these people and eaten beside these people and practiced beside these people, aware of their heart and their sincerity

[90:13]

I couldn't ask for more. Thank you. So I didn't know I was going to get up here.

[91:30]

And I thought, if one more person gets up, I'll get up. And I saw Steph get up. And I thought, shit. I have numerous questions. But the one that I think matters most comes with a story and a question. Recently, I had the wonderful opportunity to be traveling with... Can you hear back there? Can you hear? Hold it closer. Hello? Hold it closer. Sorry. Traveling with my partner, my fiance, my wife, my love in South America, trekking. And in this situation, which was unbelievable... a great demon came, really a monster.

[92:39]

And I knew somehow, instinctively, it could not be pushed away. But my question is, I cannot love this. How do you love the karma consciousness that comes when it is unbearable, scary? I mean, little karma consciousness I can, I feel even grateful. This one, too shocking. To love. Start by being still with it. That's the first step of love. And if you feel like you can't be still with it, ask for all Buddhas and Zen comrades to support you to be still with it.

[93:45]

I knew you'd say that. Is it possible to be still with it? I feel I can accept that I haven't been, but I feel like I had to be. I couldn't push it away. That's love. That's the first step of love, is to meet it. First step of the dance is to meet your partner. You don't have to move to meet your partner. That's the first step of love. And don't say anything. And then the other dimensions of love will come rolling forth. On their own? On their own. And they need to come forth.

[94:56]

But at first you can't welcome and be gentle and say thank you. No. No. So start by being still with whatever. And from that stillness eventually will come Oh, it sounds so good. Huh? It sounds amazing. Just a thought of thank you. Yeah. I can't... You may have to be still for a long time before a sincere thank you comes. Yeah. And before this demon shows you what it really is. when you really show this love for it, that you're willing to be with it. It's crying out for somebody to be with it. And nobody wants to be with it, but somebody has to be.

[96:00]

Otherwise it's going to keep crying, screeching for love. First, don't touch it. Don't massage it. Don't punch it. Just be still with it. And silent. And you'll find out what it really is. It will show you the truth. And the little ones too. Same with the little ones. They can have just as much truth as the most horrible ones. But they both deserve the same stillness. the little blue moths, the huge burning dragons. They both deserve stillness and silence and then let the rest of love come forth by its own time.

[97:06]

Welcoming will be given. But if we're not still, we'll miss it. If we are still, we'll see it come. And then when it comes, don't get too excited. Continue to be still when it comes. Maybe even be more still at the beginning of seeing how wonderful this demon is and how wonderful it is to welcome it finally. Did you just say wonderful with demon? Wonderful, yeah. The same sentence? Yeah. And again, demons, basic principle is demons get more powerful the farther away they get. Yeah. It's not easy when they're close, but that's the place... where the truth will be revealed, until they're so close they're not separate at all.

[98:14]

That's what love can bring, is the realization that the demons are not the least bit separate. And then beings are saved. But obviously it's not easy. No, and it takes a certain amount of faith that this is... It takes great faith to practice stillness 100%. Yeah, yeah. Because we have faith in running around doing other things. Right, yeah. So you've got to build this other faith to be still with our karmic consciousness. Still and close. But you don't have to move to be close, you already are. Yeah. Or I should say still with the closeness, still with the intimacy. All the Buddhas are supporting us to do this practice, which is their practice.

[99:26]

Can I ask a little bit more? Mm-hmm. So it came, I knew somehow instinctively I couldn't... Can you hear him okay? Couldn't push it away. Can you speak a little louder, please? This demon arrived... Yes. ...out of nowhere... asking, it sounds like, for love. Yeah. And I knew instinctively I could not push it away. So now, and I, you know, somehow was able to say, okay, there's space here. I can sense it. You can stay in this house, but I'm not going to hang out. And then I have the fear when I don't see it, this demon, that it's up to no good in the garage. that something bigger is going to come out. So is this, you're saying, being still, and I knew, although I couldn't love it, I couldn't push it away, and as much as I could, welcomed it.

[100:38]

Is this the right place, or am I tricking myself into keeping it? Be open to the demon of being tricked. I don't know if I can take any more. Yeah. On top of everything else, we can trick ourselves. Yeah. And then there's other demons, besides the one you're talking about, that a lot of people have here, the demon of boredom. Yeah. Like, this isn't this bad, but it's not very interesting. As a matter of fact, I have more important things to do than be still. Yeah. Yeah. That demon comes after you can face the... The big, fiery demons. Yeah. Well, I've taken care of that, you know, I don't have to practice stillness anymore. So, the karmic consciousness is endlessly challenging. Some people are pretty good with the big dragons and they don't like the little moths. Some people are okay with little moths, but they don't like boredom.

[101:38]

You know, everybody's got their growing edge of something they think is a bit much to ask for attention. That's just too much. Yeah. And again, it's okay to feel that way. That's common consciousness too. And be kind to that's just too much. Yeah, yeah. It's all, everything in karmic consciousness is an object of compassion. No exceptions. And you start by being present with it and not moving and then unfolding all the other kindnesses. And patience is very close to being still. So patience with being not too still, and when still, patience with the pain. And from that patience, maybe you can start welcoming.

[102:40]

Yeah. To me, I am glad for you that you've met this this demon. Thank you. And in some way I feel it. And that's why I don't like it when it's out of my sight. I feel like you're really getting down to the ground where the bodhicitta will arise. If you can take care of the ground. If you can be present, still, and compassionate with it. the bodhicitta, your karmic consciousness will start saying stuff and the Buddhas will come and meet you and the bodhicitta will arise. But it's hard, it can't arise unless you're home.

[103:46]

Yeah, yeah. And you don't have to go in the garage, just take care of where you are. Yeah. And when it comes back in the house... I'll save it a seat at the table. Yeah, that's right. Might not hug him. Thank you. Appreciate your honesty. Thank you. Thank you very much for the practice. It's a little awkward to use this, but it's nice for people to hear you. It's kind of boring for them to not be able to hear you. And then they might, you know, they need somebody to help them deal with the boredom of not being able to hear you. I got this thing. It never ends. This thing, we're not, this is the thing about, this thing doesn't end. This practice doesn't have an end. This conversation, we've got to keep it going. Thank you. So Jill talked about cheesy songs going through her head all sashene, and Louis showed us the mincemeat of his mind.

[105:21]

And I have been having both cheesy songs and cheesy dances going through my mind all practice period. You have dance shoes. I invite you to stand up. And actually, I'd like to invite everybody to stand up. It's a very short little dance. It's called the boot away boogie. You can do it on your cushion. It's just a minute, so please. You can practice with those later. because we've been sitting a lot. And now it's time to dance in this great Zen dance hall of ours. So thank you for dancing with me. I'm not a dancer or a singer, so here we go. Go, go, [...] Buddha, go now. Go, go, go, go, Buddha, go now. Slide to the east and slide to the west and dance the middle way that you know best. Go, go, [...] Buddha, go now. Go, go, go, go, Buddha, go now.

[106:24]

Go! laughter laughter I was kind of responding to Dionne's karma consciousness, so that was a completely different situation.

[107:45]

And I thought, maybe it's not so relevant that I approach. Can you hear her? I thought I might. I'm often quiet. Can you hear her? A little louder, please, Carolyn. I'm kind of a quiet, shy person. Which, this isn't even what my question was about. My question was about the mandala we make often, sometimes several times a day. And then about maybe five or six days ago, we did this mandala, and we were following the instructions on that.

[108:53]

which had been previously done in the ceremony before. And the instructions said to go to some different altars, a different altar than we usually do, and to skip an altar. And that was the Ito-san altar. We didn't go to. The Ito-san altar? And then you made a thing like, well, we should go through the other door so we don't go in front of the Ito-san altar. And that really struck me. And it kind of felt a little bit like we're coming from the side so that the Dharma protector didn't see us. Yeah. And we were sliding into the zendo. And somehow it felt a little mischievous. And you had thought about it ahead of time.

[110:04]

You asked me if I could light some incense there, and I explained that I hadn't actually lit any candles at the Ito-San-Ten altar, and that it would be a little awkward to light incense there. But I think Dion's demon and loving that demon and the Dharma protector, the Dharma protector, how does he function? She function? Is it through loving? Loving us coming in through the side, skipping the Dharma protector. And I think I realized the other day when I was doing something at that altar,

[111:18]

That's how we protect the Dharma, by loving all of the karmic consciousness. Without that, we're not actually protecting it. Right. And I probably wouldn't have fully realized that unless we had come in the side door earlier. By resisting the Dharma. I learned through resistance mostly. If we just had made arrangements to go to the Nida Sonten altar, that would have been nice. We would have been good Zen priests paying our respects. That would have been wonderful. But being sneaky Zen priests, we have a chance to realize the love of the Dharma protectors. It comes to us when we respectfully avoid them or respectfully confront them. Yeah, it always comes.

[112:29]

And they love us even if we're not respectful, though. It's just that if we're respectful, we get to notice it. Which is good, encourages us. Thank you very much. May I sit over there? Yes. Would you like a cushion?

[113:35]

I was going to sit on the ground, if that's okay. That's fine, yeah. I feel more stable on the ground. I wanted to express a feeling of inspiration from the open-hearted expressions that have been happening all morning. Can you hear her? I can probably speak louder when I catch my breath. And I also want to tell a story and make a confession, a true confession. I have been coming to intensives here for about 12 years now. And this morning reminded me of my first intensive. And I remembered sitting in the zendo and feeling this strange sensation in the chest area.

[114:47]

And realizing at some point it was something going on with my heart, which was kind of scary. And In the wonderful newness for me of this tremendous support of the Sangha, what seemed to happen was my heart was opening. And I think I expressed it at that time as a singing heart. And I think that's what I've been hearing today, is I've been hearing hearts singing. I was asked what language my heart sang in, and I said, all languages.

[115:56]

And when I left that intensive, I was devastated. I cried for three weeks because I loved everything. Suddenly they were all gone. This sangha that had opened my heart. And I cried for weeks and driving along the freeway going to teach a class and I would just start to cry. And it was frightening. I didn't understand quite why I was crying. I just knew that my heart longed for the sangha. And so I came back and I came back and I came back.

[117:01]

And then I came back and I'm still here. And When I came back to live here, I came from a period of time of caring for my mother who was dying. And the tremendous gift of that challenging process was that my heart could open completely. And even though it was difficult, it was singing. Because to have such an open heart, there's just nothing like it. And then I came to an intensive and I was, my open heart was so fragile it couldn't handle it and it had to close up.

[118:13]

I couldn't, it just felt like it was wide open and there were too many people and too much going on and I felt myself close up consciously, kind of. I thought, I just can't, this heart can't take this right now. And then I was given the great gift of the kitchen. And for three years, my heart went down. And it went down into my arms. And it went down into my legs. And it felt safe there because there's a lot of muscle there. And it's kind of hidden. And yeah, it could express itself fully, but it didn't feel vulnerable. It didn't feel vulnerable. And so now I'm here.

[119:19]

What I noticed as I listened to the open-hearted singing of everyone was that my heart feels like it's still way down somewhere. And I felt a little bit sad because I thought, oh, I used to be like that too. I could come up here and well not come up here but I could feel an open heart and I could experience the wondrous practice and support here from that place and I don't feel like I can and that's my confession living here I feel like it's not safe to do that and the best place for my heart is way down and expressing itself and it's love in a place that's not too vulnerable. And I felt like I needed to make this confession to you all because you've given me such a gift of your hearts and I don't... I guess I want to give something back.

[120:37]

And what I can give is my honesty about that. And right now my heart is, when I started talking, my heart came bouncing back up again. And it's right up there and it's out there. But I deeply apologize to my sangha. I don't know if it's going to be able to stay there. Probably may have to go back down again. Thank you. May our intention equally extend to every being and place where...

[122:22]

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