practice intensive, we have been considering looking within to see what aspirations there are in our life. Someone asked, is aspiration like a wish? Yes. And the root of the word aspiration means to breathe onto or breathe into. It is a wish, but it's a great wish, a great ambition, a big wish. So we looked inside to see what the great wishes are or the great wish is within our being. And I've heard that people are still looking and considering what is the aspiration of this life?

[01:14]

What does this life wish to breathe into? Inspired by Shakyamuni Buddha, and Maitreya Buddha and a Sangha. We are given to understand that a bodhisattva, one who walks within the great vehicle, is a being who has and cares for and develops an aspiration, an aspiration to realize Buddhahood for the welfare of all living beings. And these beings are taught that in order to realize,

[02:32]

this aspiration, which is the thing they take care of. They really, they proceed by means of the aspiration, they carry on the aspiration, they are nourished by the aspiration, and they carry and care for the aspiration. And caring for this aspiration is caring for the seed of Buddhahood. And they understand that to realize this aspiration, they must train. And all the trainings can be summarized by three precepts, by three trainings. In this school, we speak of these three trainings as the three pure precepts, the three pure bodhisattva precepts. And we have looked at these three pure precepts and particularly look at the first pure precept, because the first pure precept is the precept of purifying the precepts.

[03:48]

These three pure precepts are called pure, it seems, because they are purified. of outflows, purified of concern for gain and loss, purified for concern about existence and non-existence, purified of all outflow. And we've looked at a number of stories of Zen teachers who are perhaps realizers of the pure precept of restraint. Perhaps they are teachers who have ended outflows and are now in the process of practicing virtue and maturing their so-called students or disciples. Working with their disciples to help their disciples practice the way without any grasping

[04:56]

and therefore practice the way without hindrance. And they use many methods, some which take the form of looking like they reject. They work with their disciples in such a way that the disciples, if their disciples have any idea of what the teaching should be, any idea of the way they want their teacher to be. And they try to get that from the teacher. And they try to get the teacher to be that way. Many of these teachers go along with it. But many other teachers do not go along with it. And we mostly looked at the stories where the teachers are not going along with it. It's okay to have an idea of what the teaching should be.

[06:03]

It's all right. It's human. The problem is if you try to get the teaching that you think you should be getting. It's okay to have an idea of a good teacher. And it's okay to have an idea of a bad teacher. But to try to gain a good teacher and try to lose a bad teacher, that's what should be restrained. We should practice compassion towards what appears to be in our ideas good teachers and bad teachers, and then give up concern about our ideas. if we wish to realize the first pure precept.

[07:07]

The first pure precept is the Dharmakaya Buddha. The first pure precept is the basis of the other two precepts, which are the other two bodies of Buddha. The second pure precept of developing all wholesomeness is the reward body or the bliss body of Buddha, the Sambhogakaya. And the third precept of maturing beings is the transformation body of Buddha, the Nirmanakaya. The second precept is to practice all that is wholesome. But it is possible to do karma, to do actions which are wholesome, but are defiled by grasping It is possible to try to mature beings, to nurse beings, to support beings, to protect beings.

[08:12]

Bodhisattvas do unlimited forms of protection and nourishment and nursing. They give all kinds of medicine and assistance. But if they do any of those activities to try to get something, then these wonderful activities are not the third pure precept. They are attempts to help people, but they are then defiled. They are undermined because they lack support from the Dharmakaya Buddha. They lack support from realization of restraint, of grasping and outflow. Now, as we approach the conclusion of this wonderful intensive, I offer you this summary of the great vehicle, that it is based on or lives on an aspiration to realize supreme awakening in order to fully assist all beings

[09:38]

and not only to help them, not only to benefit them by practicing giving, ethics, and patience, but to liberate them by practicing heroic engagement with them so that they may learn and we may practice concentration joined to wisdom. In other words, a yoga practice that is free of duality. In this way we not only benefit beings, we liberate them. So now perhaps we can look to see if we wish to do this practice from now on. is the aspiration to practice this great vehicle alive.

[10:50]

And as is often said, when this aspiration is first born, it's like like a candle, a beautiful candlelight. It's unspeakably wonderful flame. However, it can be blown out easily by a light breeze. But if this candle, if this fire is tended, it can grow and grow into a huge forest fire. And then even the strongest winds just make it grow. So please look and see, is the flame there? Is the wish, is the great wish to live the life of the bodhisattva and practice on the great vehicle, is it there?

[12:12]

And do you wish to take care of it? And if you lose it, start looking again and take care of it. Is there that wish? And if so, let's go. Let's go. If so. And if not, you are totally welcome by all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas and Zen ancestors to keep looking for it and to be kind to the unclarity of the situation if it's unclear. If you keep being kind to yourself you will discover this For now, I think maybe I would say, is there any feedback you care to offer to the assembly?

[13:26]

Any gifts you wish to offer to the Buddhas and ancestors? Any offerings you care to make to the Buddha, Dharma or Sangha? If so, you're welcome to do so. Tension.

[14:33]

The stories... Could I ask if the people can hear you? Can you hear her in the back? A little bit louder, please. What? Pardon? Tension. Tension. So the stories, can this be heard? Can you hear now? Yeah, thank you. The stories and the art of storytelling has been very restorative for this one. Thank you. You're welcome. They've been restorative, life-giving, and healing. I'd like to propose another wonderment to the stories, if I may.

[15:48]

The Secret Garden was opened by a young lady Samsung went to the mountains, left the monastery to see an older lady. And in yesterday's story, there was the archetypal energy one more time of grandmotherly mind. My proposal is that when the divine feminine interchanges with these great beings, paralysis no longer exists. Do you think that that wonderment is something you would prefer to entertain?

[16:50]

Tension? I would like to be, what's the word? Did you say divine feminine? I did, I did. I would like to be divinely feminine with that wonderment rather than prefer it. Thank you. The divine feminine doesn't prefer. She dances with everybody. And one more thing, attention, okay. It seems to me that when there's an opening for the preferred divine feminine. That's when anything is possible. Did you say prefer again? I did, but I'm not used to this assembly kind of, I'm a bit nervous.

[17:51]

So I heard you say open to prefer. I'd just say open and take out the prefer. Open to it. Open to the divine feminine. Right. And I propose that entry to the divine feminine depends on accepting the undivine masculine. You said it, I didn't. You've seen how much fun these stories are. They're the best. The best. Thank you so much. This may seem unlikely, but if it should happen that a student disagrees with you, how would you like them to interact with you?

[20:04]

I would like them to come and give me the gift of who they are. Do you feel that that's in opposition to... these other ways that you've been talking about through the stories? Do I feel that the student giving me a gift is an opposition? That it's an opposition, for instance, to non-complaint? Or... Well, disagreement, if it's a gift, isn't a complaint. It's a gift. I don't agree with you. It's wisdom. Okay, I'm going to practice now, okay? I don't agree with you. Thank you. Thank you for the gift. Do you want to detail the disagreement? Do you want your students to obey you?

[21:22]

I want my students to not be my students. What wish do you have for such beings? I wish all beings to realize supreme enlightenment for the welfare of the world. I'm waiting for you to say something that I can disagree with. I, as I told you one time, I said to the guru, how come I don't have any problems with you? And he said, we will eventually.

[22:28]

but then he died so hopefully I'll live long and you'll find something to disagree with and you can give that gift to me and watch to see if I know how to practice generously with your gift and if it looks like I don't you can give me another gift of saying of asking me if I graciously received that because it looked to you like I didn't. I'm moved by your generosity. I'm very happy to hear that. I hope that this practice of generosity goes on until everybody joins it. Are you feeling grandmotherly?

[23:43]

I don't know, but I'm feeling very happy and inspired to continue to practice, and quite present. And I'm not trying to get anything, not even great disciples. even though I want them. I'm not trying to get them. So if everybody refuses to be a great disciple, I can keep wanting. Did you say refuses? Hmm? Did you say refuses? If they come and say, I refuse, if someone comes and says, I refuse to be a great disciple, I want to say, welcome. great refuser. When I was in college at the University of Minnesota, a beautiful woman came up to me and said, I don't want to talk to you, and walked away.

[24:59]

What did you make of that? I was very interested. I wondered, what's the reason she made this big effort? Is she in your life now? She is. Her gift got me very interested. Keep it up. You can just come up, you don't have to

[26:11]

You don't have to do anything, just stand up and walk up and practice the Bodhisattva precepts on the way. It's nice to be here with you. Welcome. I've had some wonderful realizations based on my aspiration to come here and practice relaxing with my practice. And I think I was about semi-successful with it.

[27:18]

which means I probably need a little more training. And some stories came back to me that I wanted to share for a second, if that would be all right. Yeah, welcome to do so. I grew up with alcoholic parents and two older brothers and two older sisters. So I sort of watched how the system worked. And one of the things that was valued in my family was perfect attendance. And when I was in first grade, I had to have a tooth pulled. And my mom didn't want me to have to go through it awake, so they put me to sleep. But they pulled the wrong tooth. So then I went to the dentist, and he was so angry, he threw me in the chair and pulled the other tooth. So I had these two teeth in a little box, and we were driving home, and my mother started to turn to the house, and I said, no, I want to go to school. And she said, why?

[28:22]

And I said, because I want to get perfect attendance. And my teacher wouldn't give me the certificate at the end of the year, even though I'd been there every day. And then in seventh grade, I came home from school and I was sobbing. And my sister met me at the door, and she said, what's wrong? And I said, our report cards came out today. I had gotten six A's and a B. And I was devastated. So... The idea of relaxing with practice is fundamental for me.

[29:27]

And I did really good during the first two weeks. But then there was a sudden shift. And I know exactly when it happened. We came in and we got instruction for sashimi. And people are very careful about how they speak here in this chanting tone, right? And so the person said, follow the schedule completely. But I heard, follow the schedule completely. So I started to really follow the schedule and sit really upright and try to get an A. And I fell apart.

[30:42]

And so I asked a person here, I feel really overwhelmed. What do you suggest? And she said, sit. Which was not the answer I was looking for. And so I did. And after I sat, I went back to my room and I sobbed. And I realized that it's not the merciless ocean. It's the merciful ocean. And I couldn't tell if I was crying because of the suffering that I'd been enduring at my own hand or if it was from the joy of having had the opportunity to watch the way a bobcat walks and to have been met at the gate by a deer and to watch a coyote go up the hill

[31:46]

and how absolutely stunning it is to sit at the moment of creation, watching it unfold second by second. It was almost too much to bear. And I received that gift because I sat. My friends have been wondering when I'm going to get out of Zen prison. Another friend calls it the yoga pokey. I like Zen Penitentiary. I think it has a nice poetic sound to it, or Zen Pen for short. So I'm on the brink of my get out of jail free card to go practice on my own.

[32:52]

And it reminds me a lot of a story that you've told in the past where... Instruction is given in a stern way. And so even though I think it's important not to come forward with a get, there is something that I've wanted to ask. But I haven't felt that my relationship with you was intimate enough to ask it. And I'm not sure if it's okay to ask it And I think maybe you don't have to give me an answer. But I would like to ask you a question. Would that be all right? Yes.

[33:57]

Do you think petting is okay on the first date? Thank you. I have a request.

[35:08]

As your grandson says, let's not dwell on the past. So we have all these stories of old Chinese guys meeting the Buddha. And we're told that Buddha's ancestors are not different as those of today. So I'd like to hear a story a little closer to today. How close? As close as you'll let me get. I'll let you get totally close.

[36:14]

Is that a story? I don't know. Does it feel like one? Even the 10,000 sages don't know. How could hasty people? No.

[37:35]

You've graduated. Can we be any further apart? No. Can we be any closer? No. Where are we? We are in the land of the bodhisattva's mind. Who are you? No one knows. Why does it hurt to be you and hurt to be your wife? Does it seem like you're separate from me?

[38:49]

Sometimes. How about now? A bit. Does that hurt? Yeah. Yeah. Can you hear me?

[40:20]

Hear me? I'm just practicing my little bobcat yells here. Practicing in this way, I have have been struggling with alcoholic mother and dead father and all of my tantric edifices of houses and palaces and homes and shrines, crumbling like a pack of cards, practicing no gaining mind. It's been very difficult. I... I'd like to clarify a line from Dogen, and that is, I've been restraining myself from looking at this line and going into the library, this sashin, so the line is, when nothing can be taken in, that is exactly it, the great brightness.

[41:45]

Is this practicing no gaining mind? Yes. Mies van der Rohe then I think was onto something. He was an architect and he practiced holding back his columns from the edges of towns and cities and he said his architecture was almost nothing. And so in this way, I would like to offer a poem from a woman, I believe in China, in the 9th or 10th century. Would you hold the microphone a little farther away? Oh, yeah, thank you. How's that? How's that? That's better, I think. Okay, thank you very much. Often I recall that day. How's that?

[42:49]

Is that all right? Is that all right? Is that all right? Yeah, it's right. Okay. Often I recall that day, the river pavilion in the setting sun, and we too drunk to know the way home. As our high spirits fled, we started out late, late in our boats. And penetrating deeply, came to a place where the lotus was in full bloom. Struggling to get through. Struggling to get through. We came to a place where the lotus was in full bloom. And suddenly, a whole bank of herons startles up. I had another song, but I'm restraining myself from offering it to you at this moment.

[44:05]

Domo arigato. Domo arigato. Domo arigato gozaimashita. Bono osowaka. What happens after all beings are free?

[45:14]

I do not know. Logically, bodhisattvas would be out of work. But please be there with me when it happens and we can talk about it. I have another question. If right now all beings are not free yet, and thus the bodhisattva has work, and at one point all beings will be free, and that's the point we're trying to get to, isn't that dualistic thinking? Isn't that what? Dualistic thinking. There's some duality in that, yeah. But, so we've got that part, right? We need to find the non-duality there. There's also non-duality. There's no separation between our thoughts about this wonderful situation of beings liberated.

[46:23]

There's no separation. But we have to be kind to that apparent duality in order to realize the unity of our thinking and what we're thinking about. We need to be compassionate to the duality of our thinking that there's a duality. The structure of duality is not annihilated in wisdom, but in wisdom there's also understanding that it's an illusion and realization of unity. And there's also unlimited multiplicity. All this is going on in the awakened mind. than restraining my desire to speak often.

[48:23]

And I accept that gift. It's a beautiful gift. But there's something that I want to say. I was sitting on the cushion. At times, I've tried to formulate different things I'd like to say, different points I wanted to make or things I wanted to bring up or questions that I felt went unanswered. I was sitting on the cushion now thinking, you know, to get up or not to get up. That is the question. And I thought, I remembered when I first met you in Brooklyn and I was going through a very hard time and And I was burning with my questions. And I came up, and I remember that I cursed.

[49:38]

And afterwards, someone said, wow, I can't believe you cursed in front of them. I don't know how they refer to you. Anyway. And I was just kind of like, I don't know. It was like, I'm just trying to get the job done here. Because I was having such a hard time that I really, really, really, really wanted and needed my questions. And now I posit the word answered. I wanted to raise them, and I wanted them met. I wanted them responded to. But I was a little embarrassed afterwards or something. I'm not exactly sure what the feeling was, but I expressed it. Maybe it was after. Anyway, somebody said, but you helped us so much, you know, because I was brave in coming up.

[50:44]

And they said, you helped us so much. And I guess part of the reason why it came up now is because, I mean, trust me, I still have feelings of irritation come up when I'm listening to you often. And I disagree with you a lot. And I go through troubled feelings about that. And sometimes things bother me. For example, I felt that Timo's question about trust wasn't met in a way that I felt was... I don't know, full enough for my taste or something. For my taste takes away from what I'm saying. I wanted it. I wanted to... I fully felt that that was really important and somehow I felt that it wasn't met.

[51:48]

I don't know. And also... just the question of danger around some of the things we were discussing, coming to the place of not taking the precepts literally and how that can be dangerous. I wanted a bit more respect given to that. But... I'm not unhappy the way I was before where I was burning to ask you and have certain question answered for my own welfare. So it would be easier not to come and just to kind of sit on my cushion. And hang out peacefully and be like, you know what, I'm okay. And everybody's, there's always going to be, you know, disagreements and there's different ways of looking at things.

[52:49]

And everybody else, now there are other people who have problems and they'll come up and talk. But I just thought, but first of all, I still felt this wish to use my voice and have my voice heard. And also, I felt maybe it will be of some use to somebody. I don't know, but I don't want to stop perhaps helping people just because I'm feeling okay. And I'm feeling very happy and grateful. And I thank you for the wonderful gift of this time at Green Gulch. Thank you for your wonderful gifts. Thank you very much. Thank you. I'm still a little out of whack. We don't do that, no.

[54:04]

We just die, right? And leave. What do you want to do? I suddenly felt like I was in Docusan, I guess, but we don't do that. She suddenly felt like she was in Docusan. Hi. Welcome. Thank you. This past week, I noticed a theme. Maybe it's just one that... Can you hear him in the back? I noticed a theme this last week.

[55:07]

And maybe the theme was speaking to me. And my hearing was that I don't remember the names. I'm not good with names. But three different stories, three different people left the monastery. And all three stories, they were asked back. My question is, what would have happened if they weren't asked back? For example, the young musician who studied and tried so hard to learn the one song, and he gave up.

[56:08]

But he was asked back. What did he give up? That's a good question. What did the young musician give up? He gave up trying to gain. As soon as you give up trying to gain, you get invited back. As soon as you give up, you get invited back. Okay. Were you at service this morning? I was not.

[57:15]

So, anyway, when we're gentle and harmonious and honest and upright... The Buddha appears right in front of us and invites us back, back to where we left, back to Buddha. And being upright means giving up, trying to get something. We make ourselves exiles from where we are by trying to get something. And when we give it up, we're back home. We wake up to that whole trip we were on trying to get something was just a dream.

[58:19]

It seems the dream is very confusing and I guess in Buddhist speech the ten thousand things that might distract you, do you have to go through each of them? Actually, one of them is enough. If you go through enough? Go through one all the way, then you go through all ten thousand. That's good news. Like you, I'm very grateful for everything that happened to bring us all together this way.

[60:12]

And I am... I was very taken by the stories that you told that I heard about the ancestors and their wisdom. And it seemed to me that you brought them alive for us. That was wonderful. And there's something... There's something more I would like. Can you guess what it is? No. Well, okay, then I'll tell you. Like the first speaker, I think, or related to what the first speaker said, I would like it someday if you or someone could tell wisdom stories about the female ancestors. I know nothing about them. It would be a joy to hear. All traditional stories about female ancestors. Can I add to that? It's the wisdom of the female ancestors.

[61:16]

The stories I have heard have always been... Not the wisdom of them? It had been about their sacrifice, their sacrifices. The sacrifices of the women ancestors? I've heard stories of sacrifices they made begging to become part of the orders. And those are the only stories that I know about them. Okay. And you're like me to bring those stories up? I'd like you to bring other stories about them. Oh, different ones from the ones you heard? Yes, please. Can I bring up the ones you heard? You can do whatever you like. I like to repeat stories over and over until people remember them so I can die.

[62:23]

Don't, then I have to forget them. Okay. A couple of comments before my question. Jean, I have enjoyed sitting next to you very much. In the beginning, I thought you were an iron woman. You sat, you didn't miss a period, and you didn't move. And then I didn't see you there on a couple of sittings. And I thought, oh, she's human. And when you came back, I felt much closer to you.

[63:25]

So thank you for sharing your experience and your attendance. The other thing that I wanted to bring up was the trust question. And I just recalled about 10 years ago in a sashink, One thing you said that at the time I didn't agree with, but through the years I went through different experiences and that kept coming back to me. And I thought how right Rep was about saying that. And what you said about trust was I trust situations, not people. And at first it sounds really kind of harsh when one hears it.

[64:40]

But as you think about it more and more, I think there is quite a bit of truth to it. My question is that I go back to my world tomorrow and I have this knot in my stomach because I feel like I'm doomed for failure already. The failure of not being able to practice gain and loss. My world is... Excuse me. Can I just say, you just said not being able to practice gain and loss, but you probably will be able to practice gain and loss. Right. I meant practice not being into gain and loss. You're concerned that maybe you will become concerned with gain and loss.

[65:45]

Yes, because it's the nature of business. It's the nature of what we call samsara. Samsara is the realm of concern for gain and loss. So how can we live in samsara, which is built on the concern for gain and loss, how can we live there and realize this precept of no outflows, of no concern for gain and loss? And the way we do that is we practice compassion when we notice that there's concern for gain or loss, inwardly or in others. We practice compassion towards that concern. And if we do, then when we see it, we will We'll regret it, we'll feel sorry about it, we'll confess it to the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, and this will lead to being able to actually practice this precept of restraining that concern, of ending that outflow.

[67:06]

But as you may have heard me say, as the Sangha says, the essence of precepts is fourfold. First is the precept and receiving the precept from someone other than ourselves, being clear about it. So you receive the precept of giving up concern for gain and loss. You're clear about it. You want to practice it because you understand that it would be beneficial and liberating. And you notice sometimes that you don't practice it. You said you're doomed to failure, but anyway, there probably will be failure in practicing this precept which you aspire to practice. But if you're aware of it and you look at it compassionately and confess it to the Buddhas and your Zen comrades, that third one together with the first three, because the third one depends on the first two, Those first three will lead someday to being able to be in the world of gain and loss with all the people who are suffering with that and show them how to be present with that and not lean into it, not do that, and to be able to do it consistently.

[68:27]

So you actually are doing the first three phases of this practice. You see the precept, you want to practice it, and you know it's difficult, and you're ready to possibly not be able to do it. And if you are kind to that, and you do that over and over, you will someday be able to do it consistently. And the bodhisattvas want to be in the realm where beings are concerned with gain and loss. They want to live there. They want to try to practice there. Even though it's very difficult, they want to practice there and they want to learn how to be there without leaning into that, to show others how to do that. They want to demonstrate the courage to live in this very difficult world of gain and loss so that other people will have the courage to live in the world of gain and loss and learn this precept. And of course there's concern for gain and loss in the temple too, but everybody's supporting each other to be kind to it.

[69:43]

So people slip into gain and loss here, but then someone reminds them, be kind to that. So we're trying to promote this courage So I hope, I aspire to encourage you to have the courage to go into that world and try to practice this precept and notice when you don't and be kind to yourself when you notice you don't. And if you notice other people aren't, be kind to them too. Some people have not even received this precept so when they're that way they don't have any regret. And be kind that they don't have regret. If they don't have regret, be kind to that too. But there's some other people who also regret it, who are sharing the regret. And be kind to them. Be kind to yourself and to others who are practicing the precept, trying to practice it, and those who have not yet started to practice it.

[70:50]

If you practice this precept, some people will be inspired to start practicing it. And when they try to practice it, they'll notice that they're failing and you can support them and encourage them to try even though it's really difficult. Because it's so beneficial. Because it's so liberating. It's a form to do something with my Zaggo at this point.

[71:55]

Are you going to sit down? Are you going to sit down? But then you take your Zaggo out like this and fold it like this and then set it down in front of you. Okay. Is this happening? Okay. Is that okay in the back? Can you hear her in the back? Yes, but what did she say? She asked about the form for when she sits down, does she keep the sitting cloth on her sleeve or does she take it out and set it in front of her? And I explained that she takes it out and sets it in front of her. And she did that. And here she is. As you can see, I'm a foreigner. I come from a different land called Chicago.

[72:57]

So our forms are a little different. Is it okay if I offer some things to the assembly? Yes, you may offer things to the assembly. Would you like to stand up and address the assembly when you offer them? I'm okay here. That's okay. Thanks for offering. However, you might have been prescient in this. I was thinking that at this stage of the game in Chicago, there's a seventh inning stretch. You know, everybody stands up and has a beer in hand and sings, take me out to the ball game. But I know if people want to do that, they're allowed to do that, I guess. And here we have a different form, but I would invite everyone to please be comfortable. Thank you for that gracious hostess activity. You're most welcome. That applies to our teacher as well. It's a long time sitting for some of these folks. Yes, I support her invitation to you to make yourself comfortable.

[74:01]

Last night I was coming back from the kitchen after dinner and I saw a crescent moon. And before I was aware of... Was that crescent moon laying flat on its back? Yeah. It was resting. Yeah, that was a beautiful resting moon. And then the fog covered it. And I said, happy birthday, Dogen. And I guess I want to offer that moon to the assembly, that it's always there, even if there's some fog covering it. So the other thing that came up for me, thinking about contemporary stories, is, you know, Suzuki Roshi appears to have been a profoundly kind teacher. Yet, when he left, he did something that seemed to... make some people pretty unhappy and teach San Francisco Zen Center about grasping.

[75:13]

You know, he appointed a Dharma successor who appeared to cause havoc and maybe, you know, prompt people to look at this issue of grasping. I wondered what you thought about that. I'm not quite sure the point of your question. Well, I guess my point is that we may have a story in our tradition of a kind teacher who wasn't always so kind. You know, that there might have been some difficulty he caused for his students to help them grow. Oh, I see. So does that make sense? You thought maybe he appointed a successor who he thought would be difficult for people? Yes, who might have carried them a little bit further than he had a chance to. That's a very interesting possibility. I appreciate that perspective. Thank you very much. You're welcome. So in India, about 2,500 years ago, a man heard about enlightenment and he wanted to meet the Buddha to learn about enlightenment because he felt like that was something he'd like to get.

[77:32]

And so while he was walking down the road trying to find the Buddha, he saw a woman, Acharya Kama, wearing the robes of a disciple of Buddha, and he said, oh, I'll ask her, because she probably knows where the Buddha is. And so he went up to her and said, venerable nun, can you please tell me where the Buddha is? And she said, why would you like to meet the Buddha? And he said, I want to learn about enlightenment. And she said, if you wanted to know how many drops of water were in the ocean, would you ask a mathematician? And he said, of course not. I wouldn't ask anyone, how could anyone comprehend how many drops of water are in the ocean? And Acharyakema said, how could anyone comprehend enlightenment? And that's one of my favorite stories of women's wisdom in our tradition. Guardian of wisdom.

[78:42]

Great compassion. This has just been really kind of a wild ride being here for these 21 days. And I was having my most recent meltdown on Tuesday when I was saved by a salad. And on Sunday at your Dharma talk, that's what sent me over the edge.

[79:43]

When you said Zazen is enlightenment, which is something I definitely didn't want to hear because I'm not that wild about Zazen. And then when you said Zazen where you're waiting for the bell to ring doesn't count. That was the only kind of Zazen I do. Thank you. So that sent me into a bit of a spin. And I thought, well, maybe I'm not the only one. When on Monday morning, the Kokyo called up like a fish in muddy water. Because that's pretty much the way I felt. So I was just flopping around for a while. Then Tuesday morning, I went for a walk. And I remembered you said before when we had a discussion about ontology and epistemology. Mm-hmm. that I didn't want, oh, okay, can people still hear that?

[80:47]

I didn't have to learn about those things, but I had to want to learn about them. So it made me think, oh, okay, I don't have to do zazen, I just have to want to do zazen. All right. So I came back into the zendo and thought, okay, let me just sit with wanting to do zazen. And my niece said, well, can we sit in a chair while we do that? And I said, okay, sure. But that didn't make it any better. By Tuesday at lunch, I was melting down and was getting into that category three you talked about where you want to leave, but now you can't get out of the zendo. So I got to a cushion for lunch, and along came the salad. And I was able to, at least after that, crawl out of the Zendo where I could grab onto Carolyn's robe and say, I'm sorry, but this is not the path for me and prepare to leave.

[81:53]

But she gave me this look that was just this incredible look. that said like, I understand completely, this isn't the path for me either, and I was too stupid to leave. And now I'm the Eno. Yeah, so say it again. This isn't the path for me, but I was too stupid to leave, and now I'm the Eno. Right. And it was just, after getting that look, I just couldn't restrain my tears, and I just cried all the way back to my room where I laid down. And I came back, and I found this Zaza bench out there, left there by Ralph Rogers, apparently, whoever he is. And since then, it's just been okay. That gave me the aspiration to do Zazen, getting that look. So I just wanted to say thank you to her for that.

[82:58]

Thank you for the story. That also made me think we never know how the story ends, but getting the salad for me was maybe like getting the wheat for those other monks. Maybe. And if they hadn't run into the compassionate Eno, maybe that just saved them enough to leap, so we don't know. Very true. Can I also say what's a really funny follow-up to a story I had from Brooklyn? Yes. And that's why I was trying to give you some advice on how to teach in Brooklyn this year. It was because of her. And I didn't realize she was that girl who I thought you had turned off practice completely and you would never see her again. And what a loss that would be. So that was interesting. It's interesting. And I just want to say that Suzuki Roshi was another example of someone who was too stupid to leave and then he became Suzuki Roshi.

[84:14]

The ones who were too stupid to leave become Buddhas. Thank goodness. Thank you for your story and I'm really happy that you stayed to the end. Me too. And I hope we meet again somewhere. I hope so too. But maybe you can have a seventh inning stretch now. Thank you. You're welcome. Well, I just want to also say that to think you can do Zazen is like grasping it. So we aspire to the Zazen, which is total enlightenment. We aspire to practice it. But I cannot do it. You cannot do it.

[85:18]

But all of us together are doing it. And I aspire to that zazen. Are all of us together even doing it? Or is it doing us? Or I should say, all of us together realize it. I was just checking to see where it was.

[86:59]

I was not sure. Thank you. Talking about the gaining... Can you hear her in the back? A little louder, please. And while... Talking about gain. Gaining idea. Yeah, talking about gaining idea. And... The world of gaining idea and temple life. Many people come here and are encouraged to bring aspiration and inspiration to their lives after they leave here. I'm very encouraged by that because, as you know, I have a hard time here keeping my inspiration and aspiration up to practice.

[88:06]

My confession is I'm easily discouraged to practice here. Like little things, The way we talk to each other. The way we communicate. Somebody slam the door in front of me. Or, it's not that big deal, shouldn't be. But I often, what I'm doing, what we are doing here. And... Another confession is that I was not so kind to some people when they are asking their soldier jobs

[89:44]

It's not excuse, but I was sick and I really didn't care where the broom is and where the workable spray bottle is. I really just wanted to lay down and I was not so fully, mindfully responding to those people. But those things doesn't matter because those things doesn't matter to me. When... My... When you talk about aspiration coming back to me, I want to be kind person. I want to be gentle person. But somehow, I have a difficulty. I find a difficulty to do that. And I'm so afraid

[90:45]

My little action like that, the word. You're afraid of what? Little action. You're afraid of your actions? Small actions. Small actions. The way the words discourage people's practice. And... Do you have any suggestion to that? I hear you talking about the practice. The practice is that you aspire to be kind. You aspire to be gentle all the time. Is that right?

[91:56]

If possible, you aspire to be that way. So that's the bodhisattva aspiration. Then there's training. And the training is you receive precepts of being kind. And you get them from the Buddha ancestors. And you clarify them. And you have the aspiration already. And then you notice that you don't follow those precepts. that you're failing to do the training precept that you aspire to practice. And you feel... you don't feel good about it. You feel pain, you feel sorry, you feel regret. Is that right? Yeah. That's the third aspect of practice, of the ethics. It's part of the practice, what you're doing, okay? You wouldn't feel that regret and sorrow if you didn't have the aspiration and the precept.

[93:02]

But you have the precept, you have the aspiration, so you feel this way. This is three-fourths of the practice. But because of those aspirations, I suffer. Because of the aspiration, you suffer. Right. If you don't have the aspiration... and you don't want the precept, you also suffer. But the way you suffer as number three of bodhisattva precept ethics practice, that quay of suffering leads to the fourth part, which is the end of failing at practicing the precept. You will someday not be cruel to people ever again. And then you won't be happy all the time. And everyone will be inspired by you to receive the precepts and aspire to the precepts. People who receive the precepts and want to practice them and don't feel pain at failing to practice them.

[94:08]

But it's a different pain from the pain of not aspiring to be kind. But on the way to get fourth birth, probably not get fourth birth anyway, I will discourage people, disappoint people. No, you only discourage people who are not doing these practices. I should say, you only discourage people who are not enlightened. And if the people are practicing but not enlightened, when you do things and they who aspire to be kind to you, when you're not being kind to them, if they aren't kind back to you, then they will suffer. But sometimes the people who are practicing, when you're unkind to them, they aspire to be kind to you and you do not discourage them because they are kind to your unkindness.

[95:09]

Just like sometimes you are kind to other people's unkindness. So, if someone's unkind to you, and you say, oh, they're being unkind, and I aspire to be kind to everyone, including this unkind person, and you practice that, they didn't discourage you. Matter of fact, they just blew a little wind onto your Bodhi mind, and your mind flared up. Your compassion grew. because they were unkind to you and you responded with kindness. But if someone's kind to you or someone's kind to someone else and you're not kind to them, then you feel sorry. But if someone's kind to you or cruel to you and you practice what you want to practice, your compassion grows from that So you don't discourage people unless they fail in the practice. If you succeed in the practice, if you are kind, that doesn't necessarily encourage people unless they want to do the practice.

[96:21]

But if you do practice, it will, generally speaking, encourage people to want to practice. And if they want to practice, and they keep practicing, nobody can discourage them. We're getting to a place, we're heading in a direction where nobody discourages us anymore. Where whenever anybody's cruel, we just give them love. And nothing can stop it. And if we keep giving it, they will stop being cruel. They will aspire to be kind too. That's the message from the ancestors. In the meantime, when we wish to do this thing which might be possible, and we understand it and we fail, if we feel sorrow, this is the practice. If we are successful, we feel great joy, this is the practice too. But actually, practicing and being successful is really just the first two.

[97:39]

It's the aspiration and the precept. The aspiration and the precept, just those two. That's success. All there is is the precept and wanting to do the precept. And sometimes we fail to do the precept, and then we feel regret. That's the third aspect. But we don't need that third aspect if we just have the aspiration and the precept. But we do sometimes slip, so we have the third one. And if we keep doing that and keep having the third one and keep having the third one and keep having the third one and share the third one with the Buddhas and ancestors, then we have the fourth one. And when we have the fourth one, we just have the first two. We just have the precepts, we just have the practice, we just have the way and the aspiration. And the aspiration and the way are the same. This is realization of Buddhahood. and you're actually doing the practice, you're doing the first three, you haven't realized the fourth one yet, which is, you know, avoiding any slipping away from kindness.

[98:47]

You haven't got there yet, you're telling me that, but you got the first three. And the first three will cause the first, the fourth, and then the first, the second, and the third, and the fourth will drop away, and they will just be the precepts and the wish. And the wish and the precepts will be the same. This is the teaching of a sangha. I'm willing to try. How about you? It's time for lunch? Until noon service? Five minutes? Okay. Pardon? You asked me to remind you of that manager. Oh, thank you. Do you want to come briefly?

[99:49]

I wanted to say I have been feeling a bit like a fish in muddy water. Although I'm feeling pretty happy right now. And it's always struck me in taking refuge, when we say I take refuge in Buddha, I take refuge in Dharma. And then also right up there with Buddha and Dharma is Sangha. I take refuge in Sangha. My heart always gets kind of warm. And I feel kind of happy when I get to that part. And also when we receive ordination, that is publicly saying this is my intention to practice and requesting everyone's support to practice.

[101:19]

I wanted to thank everyone for their support so far and also request or renew my intention to continue practicing and to request everyone's continued support and encouragement Could you hear her? Could you hear her? She said, receive ordination. And then she described the ordination process. And she's asking for your continued support in practicing. Is that right? That's right. She's requesting your continued support in practicing. We hear your request. Thank you very much. And we will do as you say. Thank you very much. What time is it?

[102:39]

Noon. Okay. And noon service is at noon? Huh? Oh, we have 15 more minutes before noon service. So maybe we should conclude this morning's meeting and I wanted to explain about the remembrance ceremony but I don't know if there's time to do that maybe I could just say a little bit so there's this remembrance ceremony which is called Nenju at the beginning we stand outside the hall and we remember the Buddhas and ancestors by saying their names

[103:43]

And then we come into the hall and we walk around the hall reenacting the way that someone enters the monastery. At the beginning of this intensive we didn't do that entering ceremony. But I thought maybe at the end we could reenact the ceremony we didn't do. The walk around the hall as an act of remembrance as an act of remembering our wish to enter the bodhisattva way. And I would say, if you do not want to enter the bodhisattva way, you don't have to enter in and do the walk around. But that's what the ceremony is about, is to remember that we wish to reenact and express our wish to enter the bodhisattva way.

[104:45]

And the way we do that ceremony is we stand outside and chant and then we come in in groups of three. And some of you, many of you already have done the ceremony many times. So maybe at the beginning of the ceremony out there you could get into groups of three and just make sure that somebody in that group, maybe the first person in the group is someone who's done the ceremony before. And maybe then possible the second person in the group is also someone who has done the ceremony before because the second person of the three is the one who stands in front of the incense burner and offers incense. So you come in in groups of three, you walk clockwise around the altar and come in front of the altar in front of the incense burner which is set out in front of the bowing mat. And the three of you stand in front, one of you offers incense and then all three bow. Then you walk clockwise around the altar and come over to the abbess's seat and then you walk around the room with your hands like this

[105:48]

bowing, you walk all the way around the room to this seat, and then you finish. You do a bow here, you do a bow there, do a bow to the tanto seat, and then you go back to your place. You sort of stand around the room. Let's see. Can we just leave everything? Or do you want to clear everything out? So everything will be clear. So just stand outside of the room. So these groups of three, groups of three, groups of three, do that incense offering, walk around, back to your place. Incense offering, walk around, back to your place. Yes? I wonder if you might demonstrate for me the posture of walking around the room. Could you demonstrate the posture? I was going to go over, if anyone had any questions, right after dinner, if some people would like to stay behind and haven't performed a ceremony before, and that we'd happen to demonstrate in the ceremony.

[107:00]

After dinner? After dinner. The ceremony will be tomorrow morning. May our intention equally extend to every being.

[107:22]

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