Today again I begin by expressing gratitude to this great assembly for the single-minded devotion to sitting upright in samadhi. When the ocean of sentient beings comes to an end, perhaps my gratitude will end. But since the ocean of sentient beings has no end, my gratitude has no end." I expressed it again and again. As do you. I imagine that today is the last day of a five-day sesshin and the second to the last day of a three-week meditation intensive.

[01:16]

The word sesshin made of two characters. One character, setsu, means to gather or collect or care for. And the other character is mind or heart. So sesshin could be translated as gathering, collecting the mind. And the word samadhi also is very similar and it means a gathered, collected mind. A time to gather the mind into samadhi or to gather the mind and enter the samadhi which is always with us, but we must exercise gathering and in order to realize, we must practice gathering in order to realize the gathered mind.

[02:28]

And you have been so devoted to this gathering. Thank you so much. in the Buddha way, we do not have inferior or superior, better or worse. And yet this intensive has been done. Congratulations, you were here for it. You were part and parcel of the 20th Intensive at Green Dragon Temple. I read that Dogen Zenji said

[03:39]

referring to himself, Ehe. He called himself Ehe. Ehe sometimes enters into the self-fulfilling samadhi. Now all of you have the opportunity to receive and use this samadhi freely. And then in Phukan Zazengi he says that at the end, we can receive and use it freely. So he enters it and he's telling us we can enter, we can receive, enter, and use it freely. I don't remember saying... I enter the self-receiving and employing samadhi.

[04:54]

He may have said it, but I didn't hear him. I imagine maybe he did. Maybe our founder entered into this samadhi of the ancestors. After all, he is one of the ancestors, so maybe he did the ancestor samadhi. And maybe he transmitted that samadhi to his students. If he was around, I could... Do you enter the samadhi? And do you transmit it to us? But I don't know. But I would like to receive this samadhi.

[06:04]

I wish to receive it and remember it and take care of it and practice it. and through the practice, transmit it. Someone said to me recently, when did you get it? I didn't say, get what? When did you get it?" And I said, I don't know. A little later, not too much later, I thought, well of course I receive it now.

[07:15]

The only time I know is now. But I don't know. I do, however, wish for my daily life to express this samadhi. I would like, I want everything I do to express, to display to raise the banner of this Buddha Mind Samadhi. I want every word I say to be a symbol, a sign of this great Buddha Mind Samadhi. But I don't know. And not knowing seems appropriate since it's inconceivable. I wish all my conceivable actions of body, speech and mind to be expressions of the inconceivable samadhi.

[08:24]

I've said this to you before and I've gotten feedback that you've noticed that I'm repeating myself. I guess you have. Some other people have noticed I'm repeating myself. Or, I'm not really repeating myself. It's just that the various me's say the same thing over and over. I'm not repeating myself. This is a new me who has never been here before. And now he's gone. Sometimes I'm a little sad about that. And then later I thought, well, I don't know when I received it, whatever it was.

[09:31]

Maybe he meant by it the fulfilling samadhi. Maybe he meant the precious mirror samadhi. Maybe he meant the ocean seal samadhi. Maybe he meant the samadhi of innumerable meanings. Maybe he meant some kind of samadhi like that. And I thought, well, I don't know when I received that samadhi. I don't know if I received that samadhi, which I want to receive. I want to receive it, but I don't know if I did. But I've been told that we have been given it. So maybe I am one of the people who got it, since everybody but I don't know." And then I thought, well, I could tell some stories about possible times that I received it. And these possible times are like, kind of like beginningless.

[10:39]

Well, maybe endless in the sense that it's hard for me to receive it in the future. So maybe up till now they're kind of beginningless. So I can make a selection among possible times when I received the precious... Yeah, and the intensive's almost over so I won't be able to tell even all the possible times. When I heard about the compassionate activities of Zen monks, and I thought, I want to learn that. I want to learn how to act like that. That's a possible time when I received it.

[11:48]

when I thought, how do you get to be like that? It's nice, it's nice to be compassionate and flexible and come back with calm, loving presence no matter what happens. That's totally wonderful, but how do you get to be that kind of a person? And then I found out these people who were able to respond with compassion in all kinds of situations, all of them had kind of the same training course, which was training in this total devotion to sitting in the samadhi. And it's kind of simple, in a way, to get started. So I started, and fairly quickly I found it to be rather difficult to actually just sit still for longer than a short amount of time.

[13:03]

And also I found it difficult to be to have it be part of my daily life, to regularly do it. And also things were happening and I didn't know if I should seek psychiatry or go on a talk show. I didn't know if it was okay the way I was sitting in meditation. It was kind of unusual realm of life for me. And somehow the blessing comes to me to find out that there is a Zen center in California and who does this training, this Zen training, which is intended to produce such wonderful, compassionate beings.

[14:12]

so, I don't know if so, but Zen Mountain Center, right after it opened in August of 1967, I went there to visit to see what I could see. And at that time, he was not at Tassajara, he was probably in San Francisco. But I got to see Tassajara, and I got to smell Tassajara, and I didn't like the smell. Tassajara is a hot springs, and has, but in the winter too, it has a certain aroma, which I did not appreciate. I had not yet been trained into appreciating various aromas. Anyway, I came to this place and I saw my high school best friend who happened to be there.

[15:26]

And I left. Actually never intending to come back because I didn't like the smell and I also didn't like a lot of flies. And then somehow after I left, I thought, hmm, maybe I'll go live there for the rest of my life. So anyway, I went back to San Francisco from Minnesota in December of in 1967 to pay another visit to the Zen Center and maybe meet the teacher. When I left Minnesota, it was 20 below zero Fahrenheit.

[16:34]

And I thought, oh, I'm going to go to San Francisco and I'm going to be so comfortable. It's going to be so warm. And when I got to San Francisco, it was winter and it was kind of cold. It was 41. And I was freezing. It was 60 degrees warmer and I was cold. Anyway, even though it was really cold, I made it to the Zen Center, or at least I tried to. I went actually... to the address of Zen Center was 1881 Bush Street. So I went to 1881 Bush Street and an old Japanese, or an old Asian man opened the door. I didn't know if he was Japanese or not, but he was. And I went in to the room and I don't know what I said and I don't know what he said, but I went into the room and the room was full of there were about thirty Japanese men in their sixties and seventies and eighties smoking cigarettes and playing Go.

[17:52]

And I... I sat down. I had no instruction from them or anything, I just sat down. And I watched for a while And after a while I said, is this the Zen Center? And they said, no, this is the Go Club. Zen Center is next door. That was 1881B, I think. And Zen Center was 1881A. So then I went to Zen Center. And a young Asian man with a shaved head and flowing black robes opened the door. A young Japanese Zen priest opened the door, and I thought that was Suzuki Roshi.

[18:59]

Are you Suzuki Roshi? I just said something like, Hello, I'm here to visit the Zen Center. And he said, come in and show me into his office. And he said, sit down. And he said, to show you around. And so I sat there with him and watched him do his work. Did I receive the samadhi in the smoke-filled go club? I don't know. Did I receive it when I met this young Zen priest who actually wasn't Suzuki Roshi but was Kadagiri Roshi? Did I receive it then? I don't know. I met the president and he took me over and graciously served me tea at his apartment and told me about Zen Center and

[20:10]

told me when they had meditation, so the next morning I came to meditation. I sat, and there was a group, and I sat, and it was very comfortable to sit with the group. I felt it was easier to sit with these other people. So I really, I thought it would be, and it was. ...with the support of all these people. And while I was... and at the beginning of the sitting, somebody walked by around the room. I didn't know who it was. I thought maybe it was Suzuki Roshi. But anyway, I didn't... ...floor and he walked by and I saw his feet. And when I saw the feet, I thought, oh, I can learn Zen from these feet. Did I receive the samadhi at that time?

[21:16]

Was he transmitting the samadhi to me? Did he want to transmit this samadhi to all the students in the room? I think maybe he did. Did he want to do it through his feet? Suppose he did. Did he want to do it through his hands? I think so. Did he want to do it through his face? I think he did. I think that's why he came to America, was to transmit this samadhi with his feet and his hands and his face and his whole body and mind. I think so. He didn't exactly say it that way, but... Again, if he was here, he'd say, Roshi, did you come here to transmit the Buddha mind seal with your feet? I don't know what he would do if I said that to him. Maybe laugh, like some of you are laughing. I hadn't even heard about the Buddha mind-steal at that point, or the self-fulfilling samadhi.

[22:26]

But if I said, are you here to transmit zazen? He would probably have said, uh-huh. With your whole body? Uh-huh. maybe I received the transmission looking at those feet and saying, those feet can teach me. And after the period was over, I don't remember, but there probably was chanting of the Heart Sutra. And then the way we left the Zendo was to go through his room, through his office, There was a main entrance, we came in the main entrance and if he was there we would go out through his office and he would meet each one of us. He would bow to us and we would bow to him and then pass by. And so when it came my turn I followed the example of the people in front of me and I bowed and I looked at him and he looked at me and then he looked away.

[23:35]

I thought maybe I wasn't supposed to look at him, or maybe I was being rude, or maybe he's afraid of me. Anyway, in a short period of time, a lot of possibilities arose, but I didn't meet him. I met his feet, then I met his face. And as I was walking away I thought, I don't know what happened but that seems appropriate. That when you meet a teacher you're not so sure that you did well or not well. Anyway, I was encouraged. That was the first time I met the Master. And from the first time you meet a Master you can just wholeheartedly sit and thus drop away body and mind. So then I, from then on, tried to wholeheartedly sit after I met the Master.

[24:45]

Did I receive the samadhi? I don't know. If Suzuki Oksani was here now, she might or I know. Then in the spring of 68 I moved to Zen Center from Minnesota. And to make a long story short, I came in a hearse with my dog and a motorcycle in the back. And I drove up to Zen Center There was an opening in an apartment right across the street, so I moved in and then I started practicing there with that Sangha.

[25:52]

And it was easy now to practice because of the Sangha and the teacher. I mean it was easy to go and practice. The practice wasn't easy. practice was, for me, pretty difficult, but I could do it because everybody helped me. Because the other people were there, so if they could be there, I could be there. If they hadn't been there, I might not have been able to go myself, but they were there. And the teacher was there, so I was there. And I was, yeah, to make a long story short, I was really happy to be there. But when I got to the seat and sat down, I had difficulty. I was often in pain, pain in my knees and my hips particularly. But even

[26:59]

It made my day. And after sitting in the morning, I was happy to go to work. Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go. I was pretty much ready for the day after that big difficult effort early in the morning. with the sangha and the teacher, with Suzuki Roshi and Kadagiri Roshi and other teachers. In the summer of 1968 I went to my first sesshin and it was harder than daily practice because there were so many periods of sitting. I wasn't used to it. It was so hard.

[28:07]

But with the help of the sangha and the teacher, I was able to be present for those sittings. I was able to be patient with this suffering. And then I didn't ask for Doksan, but people... One of the senior students asked me, would you like to have Doksan with Roshi? And I said, yes. And then I went and met with him and I went into his room and sat cross-legged in the posture in which I... His room, his office was down below actually the doksan room, it wasn't his office, was down below the zendo.

[29:09]

So I went down and sat there downstairs with the zendo above our heads. And I crossed my legs and went upstairs and talked to him about something. I don't remember exactly what it was. But then he said, excuse me, I have to go for a while. I don't know what he said, but he said, I think, excuse me. He didn't say stay there and keep sitting. He didn't exactly say it, but I thought that's what he wanted me to do, just sit there. He didn't say get up and go sit in a chair or take a walk. He didn't say anything to me. sort of. So I was sitting there cross-legged and then he went upstairs and I was sitting there and he was upstairs and I was sitting there and he was upstairs.

[30:12]

I could hear him walking down the... I could hear him walking up the stairs and down the hall of his office. And then I heard the sounds of noon service, which again was like everything was in Japanese, chanting the Heart Sutra. I heard it. And I suppose he was up there doing noon service. I never did ask if they were up there, what they were doing, but it sounded like they had noon service. And I was sitting down there, cross-legged. And then I heard the sounds for lunch. the chanting and they were having lunch up there and I was downstairs sitting cross-legged. At some point along there I noticed that I had no pain and I had been sitting for a while.

[31:16]

I found that rather interesting and then it went on and all the way through lunch and I just sat there I sat for a meeting. I sat for the space. I sat for the service. I sat for lunch. And I was comfortable. And then I heard the lunch end and I heard all the footsteps of the assembly going out of the zendo and down the stairs to take their break. And then sometime after that I heard him come down the ...in the room. Oh, and by when he was away, I thought, is this kind of something he's trying to show me by leaving me sitting here and me having no pain, even though I've been sitting a long time? Teaching?

[32:23]

And when he came back I thought he might say, "'See?' Or, "'Did you get it?' "'Have you received it?' I thought he might say something like that, or at least a wink. But when he opened the door he seemed surprised that I was there. as though he had forgotten that he left me there for a while. The session was not timed. And then he sat down and I was comfortable. I wasn't like in a hurry, could we get this over with? When's this session going to end? I was fine. And we talked about something. And I didn't say, you know, I had this interesting experience while you were away.

[33:30]

I just sat there and we talked about something and then he left. Or then we left. And I went out that door. And then I had a little break and I went back to the Zen door and sat. And it was really hard again. It was painful again. He wasn't sitting in the room entertaining me and distracting me from my pain. I don't know what happened. Did he transmit it to me?

[34:32]

I don't know. Did he want to? I don't know. Is it the job of a Zen master to transmit this samadhi? He said so. That's the job of a Zen master is to transmit this Buddha mind-seal samadhi called Zazen. That's his job. He didn't say, I have transmitted it. But he did say, that's my job. Was he successful? I don't know. Then Zen Center actually moved from that temple that I'm describing to you called Sokoji Temple. It moved from there down the street about 15 blocks to the place where Zen Center is in San Francisco now.

[35:39]

And we moved into that temple in November of 1969. And yeah, it was great. Not only were we practicing together with our teacher but together too. And in January of 1970, I just might briefly mention, between that 1968 Sashin and 1970, there was a year called 1969. And during that year, I went to Tassajara to do a practice period with the Sangha and Suzuki Roshi. But Suzuki Roshi was sick. to Tassajara for the practice period.

[36:45]

His students went down and waited for him for three months, but he couldn't come. Did he transmit the smadhi to us? I don't know. Did we grow up quite a bit during that practice period when we didn't have a teacher? I don't know. Maybe so. So then the next year, so during that same year we moved to a new location and in January of that year we were having a service, I think it was on a Sunday morning, and we were having this service. We didn't yet have the Zendo, which used to be a ballroom, a dancing room for the girls who lived in the building before we did.

[37:50]

But we didn't have a zendo, we didn't have a Buddha Hall. The Buddha Hall in San Francisco, Zen Center now, is where there used to be a lovely living room with big stuffed chairs and a fireplace. So we had our services in the dining room. So one morning were having service in January of 1970, and I was playing the mokugyo. Kanji, zaibo. And I was playing the mokugyo, and Suzuki Roshi was leading the service, and he was facing the altar. The altar was over there. I was over here. He was And I was playing the mokugyo, and I was watching him sit there. And he turned and didn't turn too much, he just turned a little and looked at me.

[38:57]

And then I stopped looking at him, and he turned back and faced the altar. And after he turned back and faced the altar, I started looking at him again. And then he turned and looked at me again. He didn't say, you know, don't look at me, pay attention to what you're doing. He didn't say that. But I felt kind of like maybe I should stop looking at him. And when I stopped looking at him, he turned back to the altar. Was that transmission of the Buddha Mind Seal? I don't know. Then a few days later I said, Roshi, I'm going to Tassajara now for the practice period which is being led by another teacher that he invited. And this at the head temple of Soto's school, Heiheiji.

[40:06]

He was the Ino there for thirteen years, so he was you know, a great chanter. He was the chant leader for all the many services at the great monastery. He said, I want you to learn chanting from this visiting teacher. I said, okay. And then he shook my hand. And I never felt such warmth It didn't burn my hand, it just was a . And when I felt that, I felt like, yes, I feel this now, but this shows me that it was always there. I didn't feel it before, but this warmth shows me that the warmth was there from before I felt it. I didn't know it was there before, now I know it's there. Did I get it?

[41:10]

I don't know. Then in March of 1970, he was going on a trip to Portland, Oregon, and he said something to me like, would you be my attendant on this trip? And I said, yes I would, yes I will. And so we went to the airport together, and when we got on the plane, he said to me, I'm going to teach, I want to teach you or I want you to learn how to speak Japanese.

[42:21]

So he taught me. One person is Two people, futari. Three people, san-nin. Four people, yo-nin. Five people, go-nin. Six people, roku-nin. Seven people, shichi-nin. People, hachi-nin. Nine people, ku-nin. Ten people, to. Now Yuki told me, no, it's ju-nin. But I think he taught me toe, maybe old-fashioned, for ten people. On March 3, 1971. And then he said, now you do it. And I was a young man at the time, so I could remember what he just said.

[43:36]

And I said it back to him. And then he said, do it again. And I did it again. And he said, do it again. And I did it again. And he said, continue. And I did. And the airplane took off with the Zen teacher sitting there and the Zen priest, young Zen priest sitting next to him going, shtori, vittari, san-nin, yo-nin, and so on. But then it arose in my mind things like, how come he's teaching me to count people in Japanese rather than teach me, like, about the harmony of difference and unity, or the precious mirror samadhi, or the heart sutra? Why doesn't he teach me some, you know, really Zen teachings? thoughts, that kind of feeling, like, interesting that he puts effort into teaching me such ordinary things.

[44:48]

Anyway, I wasn't feeling bad about it, I was just wondering, the thought did cross my mind, maybe I'm a little bit below average, so, and I actually understand Zen, traditional Zen teachings, so he teaches me how to count people. Anyway, after a while I stopped. And when I stopped, did I tell you he had fell asleep? Did I tell you that? He fell asleep. And then when I stopped counting, he woke up and said, Storti. So then I started chanting again. And after I did it for a while, he went to sleep again. And when he went for a while, but then I stopped. And when I stopped, he woke up, turned to his left, and said, So then I said, And then he went back to sleep.

[45:59]

But then I continued for the rest of the trip. And it wasn't a very long trip, but I continued. because I thought that's what he wanted me to do. Did I receive it? And then the funny thing is that then later that year, of course I just briefly mentioned that on that trip he had a gallbladder attack. and had his gallbladder removed to San Francisco. And then he found out that he had cancer, but he didn't tell us. And he kept teaching. He kept transmitting the samadhi after the gallbladder operation. He kept trying to transmit it to us.

[47:03]

we kept being there to receive his transmission. And one day he said to me, I want to give you some teaching, something that I can't do in . So I went to his dokusan room and I sat down and he gave me teachings on the sando kai. He didn't teach me how to count people in Japanese, I already learned that. So he taught me about Sandokai and I don't remember what he taught. But I do remember that I had a really hard time being awake, that I was dozing. He gave me this special time to teach me like real Zen teaching, Sandokai, harmony of difference and unity. Here he is giving me this teaching. offering me this transmission, and what am I doing?

[48:07]

I'm barely awake. I don't know how much I was sleeping. I don't know if I was actually like, but I was really having a hard time barely understand anything because I was so sleepy. While I was trying to be awake, and maybe while I was sleeping, Was he pouring the teaching on my head? Pouring it into my ears? Was he pouring it into my pores? Was he putting jewels into my robes? I don't know. Did he make me sleepy so that he could perform the operation? Was it an anesthetic so he could get it in without any resistance?

[49:11]

It wasn't like, you know, he sat me down in front of and I got sleepy and he said, get out, you lazy priest. He didn't kick me out and he didn't stop talking. He kept talking. He kept giving to me. And I was feeling, this person in front of him was feeling ashamed, a person who feels so grateful that I'm getting all this attention, all this love, and I can't even stay awake for it. And I'm so embarrassed and I'm so ashamed, but I'm not ashamed enough to wake up. And he just keeps pouring it on me. and I don't know what it was, and I don't know if I got anything. I don't know. But he certainly gave me his whole life. Here's the great teacher, sick with cancer, giving himself to this young priest who's receiving it and feeling ashamed that he's not more alert to receive it, but still getting it.

[50:30]

And then when he knew that he had cancer, liver cancer, and when we knew, then again I was living right next door to him. And so when he couldn't come to the Zendo anymore and sit with us, and wasn't giving indoksana anymore, and wasn't giving teachings, I just asked him if I could just sit in the room when he received his massage and moxibustion treatments, if I could just sit in the room and not ask any questions, but just be there. And he said, okay. And let me sit there with him and the masseuse, masseur. an oxy-bustion applier. I just sat there and watched my teacher, my sick teacher, receive this treatment.

[51:53]

Did I get anything? It seemed like I thought I was getting something. I really felt like, he's teaching me. I don't know what he's teaching me, but this is, he's showing me something and it's going into me. I don't know what it is. And nobody knows what it is. but even though he couldn't sit with me and the rest of the Sangha and couldn't give us talks or jokes, he was still practicing and transmitting, I think. As long as we live, we have the opportunity to receive

[52:59]

this samadhi and practice it and transmit it. But it's not easy being old and sick. He wasn't having an easy time, but he still kept so nicely. From the first time you meet a teacher, just wholeheartedly sit. And from the second time you meet a teacher, wholeheartedly sit. And from the third time you meet a teacher, just wholeheartedly sit. When you receive the samadhi, wholeheartedly sit and take care of it and practice it and transmit it. On January 17th, 1983, about 12 years after Suzuki Roshi passed away, I was in a ceremony at Tassajara.

[54:22]

And at midnight, the abbot of Zen Center, Zen Tatsu Baker Roshi, gave me this staff. the staff which was put together or cut and cleaned by my Dharma brother, Dojin Welch. Maybe you can see that this staff is a dragon staff. Can you see the dragon? It's an oak dragon staff. It was given to me on that day. On that day I received this. What is this? Is this the self-receiving and employing samadhi that was given to me and that I received and that I use today?

[55:35]

Is this stick that says, diligently cultivate samadhi? Is this the samadhi? I don't know. But there is a teaching that to be mindful of every action in daily life as an opportunity to remember this stillness and practice it and transmit it, that mindfulness is grandmother mind. And that's an essential teaching of our school. to remember to use like shaking hands, walking across the zendo, counting people in Japanese, looking at somebody, to use those as opportunities to receive and transfer.

[57:00]

And to be mindful of that. to be devoted to not missing opportunities to practice satsang of the ancestors. As I mentioned before, I calligraphed the characters for Grandmother Mind. And if you'd like a copy as a memento, of this strange teaching. There's some you can, you may receive a copy if you like. And if we run out, we can make more. But I didn't want to make more than necessary, so let me know if we need to make more. So this is probably, this is the last morning Dharma talk.

[58:13]

I may say something more tomorrow morning at the end of our I'll probably say thank you again. And tonight I'll probably say thank you again. But I also want to just say that I'm so happy to be able to at seventy-two years old to still be able. When I heard about this practice, I thought, this is a body practice. But this is a body practice that you might be able to do right up to your death. I thought about these practices before, but I didn't think I would be able to do them when I was really old and decrepit. But as I become more decrepit and the practice is getting harder for me, I'm so happy I can still practice with the Sangha, still practice with you, even though it's getting harder and harder.

[59:26]

And if it gets harder, I don't know if I'll be able to have the patience to continue But I'm so happy that I was able to do this intensive, you know. I had a hard time last year, too, last January. And I thought, both times it started out really hard, and then my nerves just got sort of like, they kind of said, oh, just give up. Don't tell him it's painful anymore. He's not going to listen. Don't bother him. So it's not so bad now, but I had a hard time at the beginning of it. And then I was so happy that I was able to stay here with you. And so that's part of the reason I'm so grateful for you staying with me, because

[60:31]

I kind of think some of you had a hard time, too. Maybe not every single one of you. I think a lot of you had a hard time, and I think, boy, these people are great. I even told a friendly star how great I thought you were. And the star said, yeah, well, these people are like A big effort to come here so when they get here, they're not going to waste their time. All right. So I pray that the courage to continue this practice keeps coming, because it does take courage.

[61:33]

It's not so easy, but it's so great to do. Thank you so much. May our intention

[61:47]

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