Somebody said to me, I want to figure out how to do the practice or something like that. And the practice or practices he was trying to figure out, I said, I support you to do these practices, but I caution you about figuring out how to do them. it's okay to figure out how to do practices. But while you're figuring it out, it's good to wonder, for example, if they're bodhisattva practices, it's good to wonder while you're trying to figure out bodhisattva practices, how may I live as a bodhisattva? So I'm I'm doing bodhisattva practices, but I'm also not so sure what they are while I'm doing them.

[01:05]

And it's okay to try to figure out what they are while you're doing them. But at the same time, question, how can I live the life of a bodhisattva? Otherwise, you're figuring out can narrow the practices down to something that will develop perhaps some self-righteousness or some charge, some stress. So when I was talking to this person, I said, you know, like, if you're trying to do a crossword puzzle, you're trying to figure out the crossword puzzle. But if you're on the path, what path? If you're on the path of being a true human being, it isn't that you can't do crossword puzzles, it's just that you're kind of wasting your time if you're doing the crossword puzzle.

[02:21]

And, want some kombucha? Okay. Okay. Okay. it's kind of a waste of time to be working on a crossword puzzle and forgetting to wonder, I wonder how I can live and be a true human being. And in your question earlier, if somebody's confused, if you're confused or somebody's confused, and you're trying to clear up some confusion, to figure out how to clear up some confusion, fine. But figuring out confusion and clearing up confusion does not liberate all beings. What liberates all beings is the question,

[03:22]

I wonder how I can live the life of liberating all beings. And we just did this chant which said, I vow from this life on throughout countless lives to hear the true Dharma. Hearing the true Dharma liberates all beings. But hearing the true dharma doesn't come by figuring out what the true dharma is. It comes from listening to everything while wondering, what is everything? Who am I? What's a true self? In other words, it comes from listening wholeheartedly and you can do crossword puzzles while you're listening wholeheartedly, it's possible.

[04:28]

Yeah. After you hear, after you, before you hear the true Dharma, in other words, before you listen to things wholeheartedly, you may have some doubt. about many things. For example, you may doubt that you're listening wholeheartedly. You may wonder how to listen wholeheartedly. You may be open to that you're half-heartedly listening. And I'm suggesting to you over and over that part of being truly who you are is to wonder who you are and not be perfectly sure who you are. And most of you seem to be open to wondering who you are and wondering what it is to be a true human being.

[05:44]

But many human beings are not actually open to wondering what a human being is. They think they know what a human being is, and they think they are a human being, and they think they know what a human being is. And that, I would suggest, is a half-hearted way to live, although maybe comfortable occasionally. In the long run, however, it doesn't liberate all beings. I want To realize who I truly am, I want to realize what a human being truly is. And I'm not completely sure who I am or what a true human being is. Like that poem by Rilke, I'm circling around the ancient tower. I've been doing this for thousands of years. Circling around the ancient tower of being a human.

[06:47]

What is a human? And I don't know if I exactly remember the poem. He said, I don't know if I'll ever finish circling. And I don't know if I'm a falcon, a storm, or a great song. But I will continue to circle around around the issue of being a true human being, which is the way to save all beings. It's for each of us to be truly who we are, which allows lots of figuring out along the way if you want. But it's not necessary to abandon the work of circumambulating our true self.

[07:48]

And again, circling around it is good because we shouldn't touch it or turn away from it. But stay with it all the time, as much as you can. And if you can't, or if I can't, if I get distracted from being intimate with this truth, then I should be kind to myself so that I can continue circling. so that I can continue the questioning. So this is how to be a good person. I can have such a view. I would like to be helpful. I think this is helpful. I have a view like that. But I'm not so sure about that. And if I talk too much about how helpful I think it is, I may start really believing that it's helpful and lose the question about... and lose contact with not being completely sure that it is helpful.

[09:10]

And then, although I do have this view and I am trying to do something helpful, I'm not wholeheartedly listening to myself or others. And then I can't hear the Dharma. I can just hear my opinions. And I can hear people crying, and part of what they're crying about is that I'm being rigid about my ideas of what would be helpful to them. Any response to this? To these? To this? Yes. Yeah. you only think that you're turning or touching away, or other people only think you're turning or touching away.

[10:35]

Hmm? Well, in the actuality of... in the actual process of liberating beings, which is an inconceivable process of liberation, we are not turning away or touching. the process. We have this process and now we've been told we have it and now we're told don't take care of it. And so one way to take care of it is don't turn away or touch. Another way to say it is you may think that taking care of it would be to touch it or turn away from it. But, you know, don't fall for that. Because falling for that is not taking care. Taking care of it is realizing you can't turn away or touch, so don't turn away and touch. Don't move to be who you are.

[11:41]

And in fact, you never do move to be who you are. So in the realm where you think you can move to be who you are, don't. Don't get excited about being who you are. And don't be obsessive about who you are, because you really aren't. You're not obsessive or fanatical about being yourself. You're perfectly yourself. You have that. But since you think you can be, don't. That would be wrong. That would violate the way you actually are. And the way you actually are is you are this intimate, entrustment. You are the Buddhas. So don't do anything that contradicts being Buddha, like lying, turning away, stealing, touching, being possessive, thinking you're right and other people are not as right.

[12:50]

afternoon, it was really, really struck a note with me when, you know, a gentleman back there asked about how Akla and Dogen were going to seem to have no doubt, and it struck me that maybe what they show is just so much confidence in doubt, you know, that they basically tried everything else, and what what gives them the most confidence is settling in to break down. So that would be an accurate way of putting it. That would be a Justinian way of putting it. Which we welcome and appreciate. Yes? His name is Justin. Insecurity, not being completely sure.

[14:23]

And some people are kind of uncomfortable when they're not completely sure. Yeah. I don't think I heard much about birdie cycles when we were talking about birdie cycles. It was so funny. It was so funny. When a birdie cycle was going to walk, she or he picks up her foot but doesn't know if the foot will be there. And every millisecond on the way down, it's like, oh, oh, wait, hold it. And that You know, here in what we're talking about, that could be kind of uncertainty, but it's not... Uncertainty, also kind of, you could feel kind of insecure. Or, oh, girl.

[15:26]

Yeah. Well, you know, Bodhisattvas actually might sometimes think that the floor is going to hold them up and think that that's true. But the bodhisattva path is to say, I don't know if the floor will hold me up, but I'm going to step on it anyway and see how it does. I wonder. I'm not completely sure. that my foot will be supported, but I'm going to put it down and see what kind of support I get. There's that story about the Buddha, you know, when he was being asked to demonstrate that he wasn't being self-righteous about his vow to not move under the Bodhi tree. And he took his hand and he touched the earth to call the earth to witness that he was not doing this self-centeredly. But I don't think he knew that the earth was going to say, yes, we support you.

[16:29]

And I often say that, I don't know if this is my projection, but anyway, I sometimes would watch Suzuki Roshi offer incense and he would put it in and then he would let go. And then I felt like he was a little surprised if it stood up. And also he was surprised if it fell over. But it wasn't like, I'm putting this in and it's going to stand up and that's it. It was more like, oh, geez, cool. It's kind of like, this is, let's put this incense into the ash and see what happens. We want it to stand up, actually. And straight, too. Well, that's pretty straight. Wow. Or that wasn't too straight. Let's try it again. One time he was eating during a formal meal and he had his bowl in his lap and he had rice, white rice, and he was forming a bowl of sort of making a ball out of the rice to eat.

[17:47]

And he had the bowl tilted and I thought, I thought that rice might fall out. But I thought, well, he's a Zen master. It won't fall out. And it fell out. Is that teaching for you? Yeah, in many ways. One is... that it's not that Zen masters don't have their rice fall out of the bowl, but also it's that he wasn't trying to make it fall out of the bowl. He was surprised, I was surprised, and he was surprised. But I couldn't see whether when he picked it up and put it back in the bowl, if he was like trying to hide it, so nobody noticed that the Zen master's rice fell out. I didn't notice that. I was more like sort of, in awe of the rice ball. The rice ball was, in a way, the rice ball was the Zen master.

[18:58]

So yeah, see if, you know, another example that I sometimes use is when you reach for a doorknob and turn it, don't assume that the doorknob is not going to come off and come out of the door in your hand. See if you can like really wonder, what's going to happen now? This makes life, you know, may make life seem less secure. But it makes these daily activities opportunities for the actual full life. Living fully. Yes.

[20:14]

I'm sure this is the image I get, and that's being playful. So the Zen master is being playful with whatever it's in their hands or it's coming. Yeah. Now, I'm wondering, is playfulness in order for anyone, any human being, to be... who he was, if it requires them from the beginning never lose that touch of playfulness versus somebody like me who had lost touch of playfulness and it's coming back. I think that the Bodhisattva career involves quite a few moments of forgetting to be playful. and then recovering. So the Bodhisattva path is very compatible with what we call recovery.

[21:22]

The Bodhisattva path is not a path of eternal damnation. It's a path of slipping and falling and getting up and trying again. But many of us actually go for a long time without basically changing our aspiration. I know a lot of people who, you know, it's been years and they consistently wish to become their true self, their true person. In other words, they wish to become a bodhisattva, but they get distracted and many people, I hear, one of the most common things I hear from people is, why do I have to come here to remember? I know that. People do, you all know what you want, but we get distracted. But by revealing and disclosing our distractions before the Buddhas, that practice melts away the root of getting distracted by the power

[22:31]

of that confession and saying we're sorry for getting distracted, for wasting our time. Again, I did the crossword puzzle and I got distracted rather than I did the crossword puzzle and I'm happy to report that I was not distracted during the crossword puzzle working. And as soon as I finished, I got distracted and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry, and I'm sorry, and I'm sorry. Thank you, Buddha. I love you, Buddha. I'm sorry I got distracted from my love of Buddha. I got distracted from my love of the intimate entrustment between all of us. And I get distracted by going someplace where I can get a hold of things. And I'm sorry I do that. But I still feel joyful that I'm in this line of work, that I'm in this line of play.

[23:33]

Even though I fail a lot, I hear that before Buddhas were Buddhas, they were just like us. They got distracted. That's where my question comes. I wonder if... I wonder if they were... I wonder it too. I wonder it too. Yeah. I wonder it actually in a way of not believing it. And if you don't believe it, I wonder if you can, can you still keep wondering when you don't believe it? Because, you know, not believing could be, again, like trying to figure out a crossword puzzle. After giving it a chance, like, I really don't know.

[24:40]

I don't know the truth. I don't know. But I can give it a chance. There you go. There you go. I don't believe it. Give it a chance. And I'm not sure that I don't believe it. I don't believe it, but I'm not sure I don't believe it. Maybe I do believe it. Listen to the, I don't believe it. They're going, I don't believe it. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Listen to that. Listen to that. Listen to that song coming from the hearts of beings. We don't believe. We don't believe. What don't you believe? We don't believe that before Buddhas were Buddhas, they were just like us. We don't believe it. I'm listening to you. I witness your cry of disbelief. And again, the teaching is, if you wholeheartedly hear that cry of, I don't believe, you'll hear the Dharma. Which doesn't wipe away the, I don't believe.

[25:41]

It's just you hear the Dharma in, I don't believe. And you hear the Dharma in, I do believe. And people do say, I don't believe, I do believe. So, the Bodhisattva is Listening to those cries, and listening to them so wholeheartedly, they're not so sure what those cries are, or who's listening, or what a bodhisattva is. And in that place, they hear the true Dharma, the inconceivable Dharma of suchness. Srikanth? I wanted to express some compassion for those who are not able to walk. it gets difficult because in some ways we use our mind in the outside world in a way where we make a lot of assumptions, that the earth will be there, that a round clock is going to go out in the morning, and so forth.

[27:03]

And as we grow older, those assumptions and associations become ever more complex, and with long sequence events or chain events assumed, So in that sense, it gets harder as one grows older, I think, to come back to, I don't know, whether it's put back or put down, but it's going to be a whole other thing. Let's have compassion for those who have a hard time wondering if the earth will hold them up. Let's have compassion for them. And also for those who are putting their foot down and not knowing if the earth's going to hold up, let's have compassion for them too. Let's have the people who are not yet ready to take this daring step, and let's have compassion for those who are taking this daring step. Thank you. And compassion for those who are not yet ready to take this daring step promotes them maturing into being able to take that step.

[28:20]

When they feel like nobody, and I shouldn't say nobody, when they feel like some people are loving me even though I'm still sure the world will hold me up. Some people will love me no matter how long I do this. So I think maybe now that I know that, maybe try something new. And those who are doing this, they appreciate that somebody's rooting for them too and somebody's supporting them to have no support The Buddhas are supporting us when we feel like we have support, and Buddhas are supporting us and working with us intimately when we feel like we're open to giving up our support. In both cases, they're working intimately with us. So in one case, they're working with us to get us to the place where we can give up that assumption.

[29:22]

In the other case, they're helping us go from having given up that assumption to realizing Buddhahood. Everybody's on the conveyor belt, getting supported where they're at. And sometimes we slip back. Yes, Ira. This question comes from when you started with the person asking you to make sure that they were practicing. or they were going to get the practice, you know, sort of under control or whatever. Yeah, get the practice under control, uh-huh. Figure it out and get it under control.

[30:24]

And my question has to do with being given instructions for meditation and, you know, in a way, for requests, I'm wondering, like, is everyone here, you know, doing the practice? Are we using our time? Well, because as you know, I had mentioned this at the Mount McDonough retreat. Many years ago, I came to the Zen Center and I was taught how to do Zazen. And I sort of kept that in my brain for 30 years. But then I asked for instruction and it was sort of liberating because he said, you know, I had been told to count the breath. Of course, by the time you were close to 10 or whatever, you know, I'm not. Did I lose the breath? But you said just sort of focus on the posture and the various elements of posture and refine the breath. And that was useful.

[31:24]

It wasn't, it's like, and then I, he didn't say, you know, focus on the breath. He said just sit. These are the elements of sitting. So I'm just, if one is going to devote oneself at times, I also would like to make sure that I'm you know, on the right, I at least have the basic instructions right. It's not necessarily that I need to be told what's going to happen, but more that at least the elements are right of what I'm, or how I'm approaching it. And so I wonder if, you know, if that's something to just come and say, well, when we'll have a session, you can make sure I'm doing this right, or whether there should be... Sometimes that's where I have doubt. Like, am I doing it right? You know, the practice when I sit or walk. And so I rely on the things that he told me, but then I notice other people and maybe they're doing it a little differently.

[32:31]

And so I'm wondering, well, are we all coming along or did we get the right instruction? So I heard something like, you want to make sure you're doing it right? Yeah, that I'm following the basic. You want to make sure that you're following the basic elements. The structure that's given. You want to make sure you're following the basic structure that's given. And that I even know the basic structure. You want to make sure you know the basic structure. I was thinking of the Robert Scharf seminar that we had, that was one of the distinguished professor of Buddhist studies from UC Berkeley came and gave a seminar at Green Gorge, and that was one of the things he wanted to point out to us, was that he thought it would be good if we wondered whether or not we were doing it right.

[34:11]

He thought it would be good if we what? Wondered whether or not we were doing it right. He said he thought that was an important part of practice, was wondering whether or not we were doing it right. Right. But what Iri said is she wanted to make sure she was doing it right. So there's making sure that you're doing it right, and there's wondering if you're doing it right. Right, right. And that's right. I wanted to at least... I mean, if you're not sure, you're not doing it right, that's okay. Then you can say, look, I think you should try this, or then this, or... But sometimes I feel like I'm on my own. Okay, let's do it that way. I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. But I am wondering if I'm doing it right. I'm wondering if I'm doing it right. I'm wondering if I'm a bodhisattva. I'm wondering if I'm a Buddha.

[35:15]

I'm wondering if I'm helpful. I want to be helpful, and I'm wondering if I'm helpful. I'm not sure I'm helpful. And I'm not trying to make sure that I am helpful. But I am trying to wonder if I'm helpful, and I am trying to be helpful. But I don't know what helpful is, and I don't know if I'm helpful. And I don't know what the basics are of the path of helping people. I don't know what they are. I have some ideas. But I, yeah, I don't know. So if you don't know, you're like me. And if you want to know for sure, then you're not like me.

[36:17]

Because I don't want to know for sure. I don't want to know for sure that I've got the basics. I don't want to know for sure that I got it right. I don't want to know for sure. But I am up for wondering if I got it right. And I do sometimes wonder if I got it right. The question came from wanting to be sure I was doing it right. But if you say, you know, there isn't necessarily... I'm not saying that. Because that would be like, if I say there isn't, do I know that? I don't know that. Maybe there is. Maybe there is a right way. It's just that I don't know with perfect sureness what the right way is. Something was transmitted to you, say, in the hour 36. Yeah.

[37:21]

As a matter of fact, I'm starting out today by saying that this intimate transmission is what it's about. And you have it. You have it, and I have it. That's the teaching. I have been given the intimate transmission and so have you. And I'm wondering, do I have this transmission right? I'm wondering. I don't know. This transmission which I understand has been given to me and you, I don't know if I have it or if I got it right. and I'm not trying to be sure that I do have it right. I'm not up for that. I am up for wondering if I got it right. So if you want to know for sure that you got it right, then you're a little different from me, but I don't know

[38:28]

I don't know if your way is right or wrong. I don't know if your way of wanting to be sure that you've got it right is right or wrong. I don't know if you're making sure that you've got the basics right is right or wrong. I don't know. I just want to tell you that I do not know for sure that I got it right. And I'm not wanting to know for sure that I got it right. But I am wanting everybody to be free from suffering. I want everybody to be at peace. I want everybody to realize this intimate transmission. I want that, and I don't know what it is for sure. And I don't know perfectly what it is. I'm not even for sure that I don't want to know it. Maybe I do. So I would be happy to hold your hand walking through the dark, and I'll hold your hand if I'm walking through the dark and you're in the light.

[39:38]

I'll hold your hand then too. But I'm not just in the light. I'm partly in the light where I see your face and I know your name, but I'm also in the dark. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you are. And I kind of think you're much more than I can see. I kind of think that what I know about you is just a tiny little bit of what you are. But I respect that little bit that I see. But I don't think that's all you are. And I don't know the full extent of what you are. I could make up a story like, you're a great bodhisattva who's coming here to ask me these questions. But that doesn't even reach you. That doesn't reach you either. No matter what story I tell about you, I don't think it comprehends you.

[40:41]

Or you, or [...] you. Therefore, I'm not trying to comprehend you. I'm trying to be open to not knowing who you are. And listen to you without knowing what you're saying to me. I don't want to stop talking with you, but I have to go wash dishes at Green Gulch. So I have to go. I'm sorry.

[41:39]

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