I heard someone say I want to live my life for others. Another way to say that would be I want to live this life for others. Or I vow to live this life for others. That's what some people want. That's what some people vow. Some people, some humans, some persons who are not human also seem to vow to live for others. Like I just thought of sled dogs. They don't seem to really, they do sometimes get into living for themselves, you know, like when they're around the kennel fighting over food.

[01:12]

But that's not their happiness. Their happiness is when they give their life to running and pulling a sled. That's what they like to do. They like to give their life to the thing called, to this other thing called pulling a sled. They love it so much they'll kill themselves. You have to stop them, otherwise they won't rest. They love it so much. So it isn't just human beings that might want to live for others or for something other than themselves. Many kinds of being can do this. Another way to say this is I want to give myself or I want to give this life.

[02:13]

I want to give this life. I want to make this life a gift. And you can add others. I want to give this life to others. That's fine. Or not. Just say I want to give this life. And again, I heard someone say, all I can do is give this life. And maybe she meant that's all she could do. That's all she could see that she could do is give this life. And I don't disagree with that, but just there's other ways to put it. I vow to give this life. All I can do is vow to give this life. And then I also could say, I vow to give this life which has been given.

[03:28]

I vow to give this life which has been received. I vow to give this life which has been received. I vow to give this life which I receive. I vow to give this life which is received. I vow to receive this life which I give, which has been received, which I do receive, which I give. There are different ways to get into this process of receiving a life and giving a life. Now, when we feel like we already are alive and have a life, then we might say, I vow to give this life. But it's also nice to notice that the life which you seem to have, you received. It's a little bit more complete picture than just, I vow to give this life.

[04:34]

I vow to give this life, which I have received. I vow to receive life and give the life and receive life and give life. In a way, receiving is first. But, you know, first, second, I'm not really... It's a circle. I want to... receive life and give life. I want to receive, I want to give this life which has been received. I want to do that. I vow to do that. And also, I might vow to not just receive life and give life, but I might, I vow to be aware of receiving life and giving life. I want to live this kind of life, but I also want to be aware of living the life of receiving and giving life.

[05:42]

And then add on to that, you might say, I want to have a concentrated awareness. I want to be focused on the awareness. of receiving life and giving life, receiving life and giving life, of giving the life which I've received and also of giving this life which then gives life, which is received and given. I vow not just to enter the process, but to enter it concentratedly, focusedly, consistently. I'd like to not just think of it once in a while, but think of it all the time. I would like to be consistently focused on this. And then I haul in the kind of like... imprimatur of Soto Zen in the lineage which I live in, which says that the focused awareness of receiving this life and giving this life and receiving this life and giving this life, the focused awareness on that is the genuine path of enlightenment.

[07:09]

That concentration practice, that meditation practice, is the genuine path of enlightenment. So in a sense, this is the authentic, genuine meditation of the school that I'm living in and speaking for, or speaking from. There's many other kinds of meditation, and I totally want to honor them. I just want to make clear that this is the hallmark, the standard of the samadhi of a particular school, which in this school we say that this is the path, the true path of enlightenment. There's nothing exclusive about it because it totally includes everybody in the process. So people are doing other kinds of meditation. They give me life and I give them the life which they gave me.

[08:15]

However, they may not be aware of the process because they're doing another kind of meditation where they're trying to focus on something else which may not open them to this awareness. So I think the last class, I'm not sure, but I think the last class that we had here at the yoga room was called the Buddha Samadhi, was it? Was it the last one? Self-fulfilling Samadhi. Self-fulfilling Samadhi. So self-fulfilling Samadhis also can be called Buddha Samadhi because the Buddhas practice the self-fulfilling Samadhi. It's a name for the Buddha's meditation. It can also be called the ancestor samadhi and it can also be called the samadhi of the self. So that's another name. Now I'm speaking of the same practice but amplifying the vow

[09:23]

to live this meditation. And bringing in that this meditation practice has an element of vow in it, that you wish, you vow, you desire to enter in and be aware of this kind of life. This kind of life is called the Buddha's meditation. It's the life of the practice of Buddhas. And also, in terms of Buddha's practice or Buddha's meditation, sometimes you may hear about the self-fulfilling or the self-receiving and employing awareness. And then there's another awareness which is called the other awareness. Yeah, the other receiving and employing awareness.

[10:31]

So one's called ji ju yu zam mai in Japanese or Chinese, and the other one's called ta ju yu. So one is receiving and employing, the awareness of receiving and employing, and the other is self-receiving and employing. The other is other receiving and employing. So one is the way that we are aware of this process and are illuminated, inwardly illuminated, and enjoy the process by which we are created and by which we participate in creation. Inwardly, we receive the illumination of this process. The other is, we outwardly teach this to others. We show others. But they're both included in this.

[11:33]

Both being illuminated and enjoying that illumination and also illuminating and teaching others about this And again, it could be called also the samadhi or the concentration of the self. But it's not the self that exists separately from other beings. It's the self which is born through the support of other beings and which is given back to other beings. It's that self. It's concentrating on that self. Being aware of it and remembering to be aware of it. For example, now I hear a piano, but also I'm talking.

[12:39]

But earlier when we were sitting, I think maybe there were two pianos playing, I don't know. And sometimes I thought it was quite pleasant if I listened to the piano music. Other times it was a little unpleasant because the two pianos were coming together in a kind of irritating way for me. But when I looked at how this life was received, [...] this life, this self received, this is a life which is a self, a particular life, which is a self, a self which is a life. If I look at how this life is received, then the music almost disappears for me. which if the music is irritating, or if the sound is irritating, it's a relief from the irritation.

[13:42]

And if the music is pleasant, it's giving the pleasant music away. But when I'm focused on how I'm receiving this life, then I'm not jacked around by pleasant and unpleasant sounds. I'm not disturbed. by the things that are contributing to me when I'm emphasizing on how they're contributing to me. But if I don't look at how they're contributing to me, I may be disturbed. I'll be disturbed either way. I'll be disturbed in a somewhat positive way, or I'll be disturbed in a potentially quite irritating way. I noticed that when I was focusing on receiving, and so this is kind of like a little bit of a sales talk, is that sometimes When things get really difficult, like if you're really irritated big time and lots of pain, if you look at the pain, it's not just pain, but you're disturbed about it maybe when you look at it out there.

[14:50]

But when you see how you are received, how your life is given to you at the moment of the pain, the pain is life-giving. in a particular way, to you. You are born of this pain. And also, this person that's born of the pain is also given. It's not that your pain is given, but you give life. You're life-giving and life-receiving. And when you do that, then whether you're in pain or not is not the big issue. The big issue is receiving life and employing the life which you've received. And then there's an element of, I've heard that this is a relief from suffering, but also it's not just a relief from suffering, it's the path to enlightenment. And I want to practice that way, maybe.

[15:55]

So then that practice is an expression of a vow to practice that way, to live that way. So that way I'm tying together this, again, meditation practice, the self-receiving and employing samadhi with the vow to give your life to others, but also to appreciate that others have given you life. So now I vow to live for others, but vow to be aware that others are living for you. You don't have to vow that others are living for you. In a sense, you can do that, but you don't have to. They're already doing that.

[16:57]

You don't have to want that, but you can add your want to what they're already doing. You're helping me and I want you to. You're supporting me and I want you to. You're supporting me and I vow that you'll continue. It's kind of funny, but I do vow, but I know that although I may not I may not want you to support me, or I may want you to support me, you're going to anyway. But I really would like to be aware of that and remember that. Because if I don't, I'll be in trouble, more or less. But if I switch to living for others and giving my life to others, that'll pull me out of the trouble of forgetting that others have given me life and open me to see that others are giving me life. So I do want to know I want to be aware that others are supporting me because they are. And I want to be aware that I'm supporting others because I am. And I'd like to be consistent on that.

[18:00]

But I'm not. Not yet. I'm not completely in that samadhi. So that's what I... And I want to be completely in that samadhi because then I'll be receiving all the support and giving the support more fully in a way more intense, and more intensely in a way, because of the awareness of what I'm doing and what you're doing. So it seems to augment other people waking up to it if we wake up to it. It's going on anyway, but if we aren't awake to it, we don't realize it, and then we suffer. And we suffer, and like, you know, etc., right? We We don't appreciate what people are giving us, how they're giving us... In other words, we don't appreciate our life, which they're giving us, and then we don't appreciate them because we don't think they're giving us life. And we're actually upset that they're not giving us life because they should be giving us life, etc.

[19:04]

It's a mess if you lose track of this. So you might want, you might vow to not so much live this way, but be aware of this way. which realizes living this way more fully. Does that make sense? And you can actually turn your awareness to this, at least think about it, and notice that if you think about it, you start to open to it. And the way I think about it or the way you think about it is not it. The way I think about how I receive this life is not actually the way I receive this life. but it opens me to it. It orients me towards the receiving process rather than the, I don't know what, you know, arguing with what's being given process, which is what we, you know, slip into when we're not looking at the receiving and giving or looking for the receiving and giving or vowing.

[20:11]

That's why vowing is also good. I wish to be aware of this. In some ways I really can't make myself be aware of it because it's not really conceivable how we're receiving our life, how everybody's supporting our life. We can have a conception of it, but that's not how it's happening. But if I turn towards this awareness, and at the beginning it's conceptual and thinking, the willingness to think about this kind of thing is actually opening to a different way of thinking. It's kind of unusual. So the openness to this strange way of thinking opens you to something which is even stranger, which is the actuality of this process. So this is a major token, but it's a token actually towards the actual opening to this actual process. Now, this is the actual process of enlightenment.

[21:16]

There's also an actual process, in a way, of delusion. Delusion is not actual, but the process by which we get involved in it and believe it. There's that, too. But we're already pretty open to that. So that's fine. And actually, if we would open more to being deluded, that would also be another strange thing to do. And opening to delusion would also make it, I would say, generally speaking, we'd be more open to enlightenment. Any questions or feedback on this? Yes, Nancy? I noticed when you were talking that you were thinking, there are some people that I'm willing to, that I want to be like. There's some people, yeah, that you want to give your life to. There's some people that I don't. Yeah, uh-huh. I wasn't aware of that before. Good. That's good. And so you have just confessed that.

[22:19]

And if then maybe later you'll have some feelings about the fact that you don't want to give your life to some people. Maybe you'll have some feelings about that later, or even now you may. I personally, when I notice I don't want to give my life to someone, I feel a little bad. I don't feel real bad. I feel just the right amount bad. I'm a little bit bragging when I said that. In other words, I feel the amount of bad or pain or sorrow which prods me to get over that limitation. I'm not saying I do get over it, but And the vow that we chanted at the beginning is by revealing and disclosing our lack of faith and practice before the Buddhas. So you have just revealed your lack of practice of giving your life to all beings.

[23:22]

But you revealed it. And then if you feel some repentance about it, you will get over it. Someday you will get over it, like limiting your gift and then you'll feel really good. There's a transgression towards giving to all beings that you're confessing. But also, then if you open to how beings who you don't particularly feel like you want to give your life to, like the pianists who are working together to irritate you when you're meditating, if you would open to how they're giving you life and notice that that way of seeing the process is more comfortable than thinking that you've got a life and that they're irritating it but rather that their music or their contrapuntal interacting sound sending to you, which is somewhat jarring to your meditation, to your tranquility or whatever, but that gives you the life of this Nancy right now.

[24:33]

That's the actual living person, and she's born of that. If you open to that, that will also, I think, open you to be maybe generous to them who you didn't want to give your life to before. So a combination of noticing the receiving side of even people you don't feel generous towards, that actually opens you to feel generous towards those people. And also admitting that you don't feel generous is part of the process too. It's the being honest part. I'm honestly not wanting to do this. That's good to be honest. Then you can get over that. By revealing our shortcomings, we get over them. Unless we like them. But a lot of times we actually feel a little bad about them. Does that make sense? So thank you for that disclosure. And notice that that disclosure is featured in the vow of the ancestors.

[25:37]

that they vowed to do what you just did. Ancient Zen master vowed to practice what you just practiced. So you're in good company. Charlie and Jerry and Rana and Daniel. Do we have to give our life to all beings right now, or can we give it to them later when we're done with it? The question I really mean is, how do we give it to them right now? How do we not just bow, okay, yeah, I'll give it to you. Well, right now, you're giving me your life, okay? Whether you want to or not, you're giving your life to me. You're giving your, this person is being given to me. right now. And I'm receiving you right now and you're giving me life right now, [...] right now. Not the same person. Every moment is a new Charlie which is given to me and Laurie and John.

[26:44]

You're given to everybody every moment. If you don't feel ready to acknowledge that, then that's the person who's given to me is a person who says, I'm not quite ready to get into that right now. That's still a gift to me. And as I often say, that's my job security. Because people would tell me, I can't do this meditation yet. Can I do it later? Yes, and I hope I live long enough to be there to support you. So you're already doing this. You're already giving your life away. And you're not just giving it away. You're giving it to others already. And they are also already doing that for you. They're giving their life to you. But you may not be ready to open to that and acknowledge that and be aware of that yet. But that's who you are. That's authentically who you are, maybe. And that's the person.

[27:45]

And we also support you and give you the life of being somebody who's not yet ready to be aware that we give you life. So what's the difference once I've vowed to give my life to all beings as opposed to right now? You say I'm already giving my life to you, but... Well, if at point A you have not yet vowed to give your life, and at point B you have, then we have a different person. The second person is a new person who has a vow that the previous person did not have. You're a different person. What difference does that make? Well, you can check it out and see. If that happens to you, you can see the difference. You might feel very different. But again, the vow is then after the vow, there's also the realizing the vow. So I wish, I not only wish to give myself, I wish to be aware that I'm giving myself.

[28:46]

And then the difference between being aware that you're giving yourself and wishing to be aware is another difference. You could say big difference or little difference, but anyway, it's a difference, and it's a difference between delusion and enlightenment. The awareness, the steady awareness, the awareness is sort of on the path of enlightenment, You keep falling off if you're not steady. So the best way is to be steadily aware that you're giving yourself. That's the path of enlightenment. If you're not aware, you can still vow to be aware. And the vow is still very good, but you're not quite there yet. The vow without the awareness is not quite on the path yet. And without the vow and the awareness, we have most people, that's where most people are at. Most humans and most non-humans that I know about are not on the path of wishing to be aware or being aware.

[29:58]

So then they're relatively in trouble. But when you start to wish As soon as you wish that you would be aware, you may already notice a big change, a big relief, a big encouragement, a big aspiration. Matter of fact, the supreme aspiration of life is to enter fully into what life is. And then, by taking care of that aspiration, you start to move into the actual awareness which you aspire to, the awareness of the process of reality, And the difference, you know, you can tell me when you notice it. And different people tell me different stories about what it's like when they notice it. But, and the difference, and I'm not saying the difference isn't important, but the point is that when they get there, I never heard of anybody, well, they're happy because they're starting to open to the truth.

[31:04]

So the difference between their happiness and the way they were before is that there's various calculations of that, but the point is they're all happy. And in some ways they're not so concerned with comparing their happiness to the way they used to be. That's not their main project. Their main project is to keep on the beam now. Like, I don't know, like a baseball player that finally hits the ball. It's kind of like, oh, wow. Rather than, what's the difference between that and not hitting it? So you now go back and check on not hitting it. They might not want to go back because they might want to hit him with the ball. But isn't that part of bodhisattva practice to remember the difference and to help others find their way from one end to the other? Well you remember in the sense that when you meet somebody who doesn't know how to do something, you remember that you used to not know how to do it.

[32:08]

And if it's helpful to them, you do go back and remember. In other words, you... But you don't go back to remember just to go back to remember so you can compare it to the way you are now. You go back because it helps them sometimes to say, before I was Buddha, I was just like you, like it says here. I was just like you. I had the exact same problem. I hadn't thought about it for several eons, but now that I'm talking to you, I remember that I was just like you before I was a Buddha. And then you might say to me, are you just like those other people before you were a Buddha? Yeah, I was just like them too. In other words, everybody's problems I had before I was a Buddha. I remember that, right? But before I meet the people and I see their problems and I want to say, hey, you're just like the awakened ones. They all had your problems. So your problems aren't really a problem. They're part of the path. And then if you can take that view, you've now just pulled yourself off the problem by that way of looking at it.

[33:12]

You're just like the ancestors, whatever your problem was. And also the ancestors now are open to everybody's problems, whereas you didn't used to be like that. So the ancestors used to have your problems, and now they have your current problems. They used to have your problems, but now they have the problem of you. Before they used to have problems like you have. Now they have the problem you do have, but they have everybody else's problems, and they didn't used to have that problem. So that's part of what it's about, is opening to everybody's problems. Does that make sense? It's kind of strange, but I think that's how it works. Jerry? Yeah, this morning on BART, quarter to six in the morning I'm on BART. This morning on BART. I enjoy it. It's a really nice occasion for meditation. I just enjoy just watching the people.

[34:13]

And there's this guy coming down the aisle, dirty. He says, can I have money for breakfast? And I instinctively kind of threw back. He came to me, and I gave him a $5 bill. And... It was just strange. It wasn't hard to do. And I've taken also, when I go grocery shopping, I'll get carrots and stuff to carry around with me to give away. And I would never in the past thought of doing that. I would think, oh, gee, I can't afford to get home. I felt stingy. And it's not hard to do it the other way. It's not hard to give things away. It's easy. And when I first started doing it, oh, great, I'm doing this. I don't feel that now. I just do it. And what? And it's what? It's just the way I should be. It's just the way you should be. It's the way I want to be. It's the way you want to be. And are you happy doing it? Yeah. And are you getting more wealthy?

[35:15]

You're already wealthy. Are you getting more wealthy now that you're giving stuff away? Yeah, I mean, it's like I receive so much. I might as well be part of the whole chain of things giving because I'm getting stuff. You might as well be part of the whole chain of people giving, right? You might as well because you're happy. And also, if you give and you're happy, then the happiness... leads you to give more, and the giving leads to get resources, so you have more to give. So that's part of the theory, is the more you give, the more you get to give. I don't actually care about that. I just want to be a giving kind of person. Okay, you don't have to care about it. Just information for you. Let's see, and then Arana, I think. You had your hand raised before? He had something else in my mind, but when I heard you, I remember that I was walking and somebody asked for money and I said, I'll be back.

[36:32]

I'll go change and come back. So I gave him a dollar and he was so happy. And thank you, thank you. And I gave another dollar. And he said, oh, thank you. It was so amazing because I never felt that much happiness out of five dollars. Because it was like giving and taking. He was giving me something great. absolutely precious with his happiness. He made me happy with his energy and laughter. I remember that vividly because it was a very genuine experience of receiving, actually. When you said remembering that others You know, you give your life and you receive their life to you.

[37:33]

I think it's a very good reminder because if I forget that, then I get arrogant and I feel separate from others. But as soon as I remember and I'm aware of others responding to me, it actually makes me humble and in a... I don't know. Humble and I don't know. Yeah, that's a good combination. Yeah. Yeah. Daniel? You know, when you were talking about... When I think about it conceptually, it seems almost impossible, but it seems like it happens. in terms of how to accomplish this, it's almost overwhelming.

[38:46]

Because I feel like Jerry was talking about the resistance to this. My life feels like one of those Hollywood bars, the ones that are kind of light and dark. There's these striations of generosity and then resistance to... It just seems like sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. That's the way it seems. Yeah. And I think a lot of people would say that's the way it seems. But actually, it's always going on. It's just that sometimes we don't notice it. We can't feel it. We're not open to it. But you don't have to make it happen. It's already going on. Yeah, it seems like it goes on, but then there's... You know, it seems like a natural process is that happens.

[39:49]

That's right, it's natural. Until resistance comes up. Well, even when the resistance comes up, it goes on. It's just that when the resistance comes up, we tend not to notice it. Although it is possible, even while the resistance is coming up, to realize that the resistance isn't interfering with it, that the resistance is also received and given So like Nancy told us about some resistance, but that was kind of a gift. And the ancestors have practiced giving the revelation of their resistance to the practice. But that's a practice too. But there's a question of whether you're aware of it or not. And if you're not aware of it, you're missing out on this wonderful process which includes our resistance. But even though our resistance, we can't stop we just kind of close. But even though we close, we still are affected and still made to be a person.

[40:52]

We receive a person who's closed. I'm a self that's closed. This is given to me, and I can give my resistant self. So if you're resistant and stingy and you tell us about it, then you're enacting that you're giving that. If you don't reveal it, then you're still stingy, but you may not notice that you're giving us the revelation of your stinginess. But you still do give us your stinginess. Your stinginess is a gift. Generous people are giving us generosity. Stingy people are giving us stinginess. Everybody's giving, and everybody has received their personhood, which is a stingy person or a generous person. So the process that's going on is a question of waking up to it and vowing to wake up to it or vowing to be aware of it is part of the deal because... it's unusual to consistently be aware of this. We get into whether it's happening or not, or whether the way we are is really included in this or not.

[41:57]

Like, can I be part of giving when I'm feeling stingy? Well, yes. Stingy people are gifts too. And, you know, so we use the example of a stingy grandson is obviously a gift. A darling, stingy little guy, you know. you put your mouth on my orange you know that story right you know that story Donald yeah who knows that story about me putting my mouth on my grandson's orange you know it only one person two yeah only two Not the same people as Switzerland or Germany or Texas or whatever, I don't know.

[43:03]

So I'm going to the zoo with my grandson and my wife, And he likes to take what he calls a bag of lunch. He likes to make a bag of lunch when we go on various outings. So he brings his bag of lunch. And one of the things in his bag of lunch is an navel orange, and he's trying to peel it, and he's having some difficulty, so I say, would you like me to help? And he says, okay. So I peel the orange, and I get the peel off, but then it's got that thing on the top of the navel orange where it's stuck together at one end, right? You can pull it from the other end apart, or you can bite the You can bite the navel off. But you can also put your tongue in the one end and spread it open without even getting your fingers in there. You can open your tongue in a way without ripping it. Tongue's softer than your fingers. So I was opening it with my tongue, and he totally freaked out.

[44:08]

And started screaming at me and trying to hit me. And there was a policeman nearby who came over and said, is there something wrong here? And so then his grandmother comes over and says, don't hit him. And then he's going to take the orange and throw it in the garbage. And she says, if you throw it in the garbage, you're not getting any more lunch. They're not going to take you to the lunch, you know, to other snack areas. So then, you know, he's angry at me for, through various animal kingdoms, he's angry at me. You know. For a long time he's angry at me for putting my mouth on his orange. And then finally he starts to soften up a little bit and I feel his little hand reaching up to my hand. And then pretty soon he's riding around on me and stuff like that again.

[45:12]

And then we're walking along and he says, if a Buddhist master saw how you're practicing, you would get fired. You've heard this story before, haven't you, Bernard? But you didn't say so. That was a gift. Thank you. I didn't hear the first part. That punchline. Yeah, the punchline. So anyway, this is an example of somebody being upset with you, but obviously it's a gift. It's a great gift, you know. You made a great story to help many beings, you know. So we're always a gift. And other people are always gifts to us. There's no way to avoid it. But I vow to be aware of it. I vow to learn to be aware of how everybody is a gift to me every moment, including if they're screaming at me and the police are coming over to see if I'm abusing you or whatever, you know.

[46:21]

All that's included. And also this self, this hated self that I now have due to the support of this little guy is now being given to him and then he keeps hating me and I'm the hated outcast grandfather and I keep giving myself to him and he keeps making me and I keep giving myself. This is what I vow to be aware of to enter that. It's going on anyway. I'm giving him his life. He's giving me my life. It's going on anyway, but I can forget this. I can get distracted. I can feel offended, etc., rather than saying, oh, wait a minute. But even if I'm offended, to remember that that's given to me, I get to be now Mr. Offended, and now I give that to all beings, including those who are giving me myself in offended form by hating me or whatever, or firing me.

[47:26]

So, yeah, it's going on, this question of do you wish to join it? This world which can almost seem like too much, like, you know, almost too much for people to enter into how people are giving you. Your life. And how you're giving them their life. It's almost too much to open to. So then you don't. But then that's a gift too. And so on. Jerry. I mean, excuse me. Elena. Then Jerry. Sort of along these lines, today, at a certain moment, I felt very conflicted about many things, and I felt very conflicted. And I met someone, and I didn't want to give this conflicted self.

[48:35]

I wanted to hide, maybe, run. And so I was ashamed, which made the conflict worse because I had this idea that I want to do something positive. Right. Yeah. So in that case, the... the awareness that's being recommended is when we feel conflicted or whatever, that we realize that, either we realize that we want to make that a gift, we want to give, I'm a conflicted person, I want to give myself. I don't want to be a conflicted person, but I am a conflicted person and this is the person I've got to give to you now. I don't want to be a sick person, but now I'm a sick person, so I'm going to give a sick person. to make whatever I am a gift, and to feel supported in that by some people teaching to me.

[49:41]

Some people say, no matter what you are, you are a gift. It doesn't mean you're good, in a sense. You might be feeling conflicted or angry or selfish or whatever, like we were saying, but still, that's a gift. Make it a gift. And the other way is to help you realize that whatever you are is a gift. To help that, remember that everybody gave... This conflicted person has been given to you. You've received this. You didn't make yourself a conflicted person. You've received this conflicted person. This was a gift too. That will help you realize, oh, it's already a gift, so I'll give it away. And also, if a good person... Happy person, healthy person, unconflicted person is not here. That was also given. And since it's a gift, I'll give it away. And if it's a problem, since it's a gift, I'll give it away. If it's happiness, I'll give it away. That's what we're trying to learn here. And then there's also the question of you kind of need to want to.

[50:48]

You infer it into vow to be this way. And then when you practice this way, you express that vow, that wish. to be like this. The wish to give. You want, you want to live for others. You want your life to be for others. You want to give your life to others. There is that want. Where is it? Have you found it? I'm talking about finding that. On some level you are giving your life. At the deepest level you are giving your life. Part of you wants to get with that and so part of you wants to be that way. But another part of you wants to give yourself only when yourself is something that everybody will probably like. So all the gifts you give don't mean people are going to like. If you're sick, it doesn't mean people are going to like that you're sick. But you're still showing them the path of enlightenment even though they don't like that you're sick and you've just given them a sick person.

[51:49]

But you're still showing them the way by doing this practice. And wanting to do it will help you when what you've got to give is not so easy to see as something people want. It isn't that I want to give you my sickness, it's that I want to give you the path of enlightenment, which is that when I'm sick, I give it to you. I give you that person. So the desire helps to continue the practice no matter what, rather than just when it's convenient. And there's a lot of no matter what's coming up, right? A lot of big challenges. Jerry? And then... I was thinking what it takes to be able to do that is a kind of universal acceptance, in a way, and a kind of suspending judgment so that you're not discriminated

[52:56]

Well, excuse me. We did this before. It's not that you're not discriminating. It's that you're not caught by your discriminations. So you're discriminating, like this person wants $5, this person wants $10, this person's dirty, this person's clean. You're discriminating, but you're not caught by it. Well, and it's okay, whatever the person, whether the person wants $1 or whether the person... Yeah, it's okay because you're not caught by the discrimination, but your mind is still discriminating. And if it wasn't, you wouldn't be able to help all the people whose minds are discriminating. But if you do have a discriminating mind, then you can help the other people who have a discriminating mind get over their discriminating mind because you got over yours. Because you do the same practice no matter what your mind is discriminating.

[53:58]

So that's non-discrimination, which means you're not caught by the discrimination. But it's more penetrating if you actually have a discrimination not to be caught by rather than you just don't happen to be discriminating. So we're not eliminating anybody, any discriminators. They're okay too. Yeah, we're receiving the discriminators, and also if we're a discriminator, we're giving the discriminator, regardless of what the discriminator is discriminating. We're trying to learn that. I want to learn that. because I know that there has been and there's going to be some future discriminations which are going to be very difficult not to get caught on, so I want to get ready for those ones, you know, like the discrimination between Alzheimer's and not Alzheimer's.

[55:01]

I don't want to get caught by that one. And if I cannot get caught by that, then I can help all the other people who are making that discrimination, and there's a lot of them. So we're running into these big, heavy, tempting discriminations which are so tempting to cling to. So let's start working now with whatever kind we've got now to get ready for the really seductive ones that are coming. This one you've got to get stuck on. This one you can't relax with this one. Right, exactly. Right, right, right. So that's why we need to be consistent and concentrated on this so that when these big, super strong things come, the practice will be able to continue.

[56:02]

And then we maybe won't get stuck. Or even if we get stuck, we can say, oh, okay, that's a gift too, and then we get unstuck. Not because we really were stuck, but because we felt. And now we have a practice which liberates us from that way of thinking about our life as stuck. Again, we're practicing in the mud, right? No, no, nothing, no, nothing's eliminated. It's a question of how to be with everything. All the different kinds of problems and discriminations. But to be soft so we don't get stuck in it. So we can move on to the next Mud-slinging. John? I was just recalling last week, I think it was last week, you talked about responsibility, and one of the definitions that I remember you gave was the ability to respond. Yes. You didn't go into that much detail, but I was just wondering if what you're describing here is cultivating an ability to respond to the vow.

[57:06]

And that's where the awareness is, is cultivating this ability, awareness of the ability to respond. Yeah, cultivating that, yes. Cultivating responsibility. Cultivating our ability to respond. And in this class, you know, it helps focus for me to present something. But a lot of the classes were just to demonstrate and cultivate responding to each other here, to notice that we're responding. And at the beginning, if I'm doing all the talking, you may not notice that you're responding. So you are, but... So we're trying to cultivate responsibility and openness, both. Any other feedback? Marianne? I'm wondering if you have any guidance on trying to discriminate between sacrificing or giving your life to someone and giving up your true nature.

[58:20]

Or any idea of you giving up your life. sacrifice. Okay, so first of all, sacrifice has the, what do you call it? It means to make sacred, right? The origin is related to sacred, to give something to make it sacred or to promote sacredness. And then the other thing you're talking about is giving up your true nature, did you say? Yeah, giving up what? If you really want to give yourself, you can find yourself wanting to give, but then maybe that's giving too much. If you want to give yourself, and then what can be too much? If you give up something that's true for you. Give up something that's true for you, like what? Let's say, with my two children, they might want to spend 24 hours a day.

[59:21]

They might want to do what? Yes. So at this point there's certain times of the day where they're asking me to come with them to where they're going. Yes. And I feel that that's not the right thing to do. Okay. So then from another perspective that looks like I'm not giving. Yes. And you might feel conflicted about this, but anyway, this is related to what Elena said, is you give them the mother who does not want to go with them, who doesn't think it's right to go with them on some occasion to some place. You give that to them. And you don't give that to them with some expectation that they're going to like what you gave. You just give them who you are. And then the next moment, you give them who you are. And they make you who you are. They make you the mother that you are.

[60:24]

Not just them, I do too. Everybody does. Makes you the mother who does not want to do certain things. So then you give that to them. What they need most of all from you is you. They don't need you to be what they want you to be. They don't need you to be not what they want you to be. They need you to be who you are. And you are. And if you give yourself just to give yourself, that doesn't distract them from who you are by you giving yourself in such a way as to get something. which is you not realizing that you're giving two things in that case. One is you're giving yourself, and two, you're giving yourself as a manipulator. You're giving yourself in such a way that they'll approve of you, or that they'll agree with you, or that they'll think that you're somebody they're not going to freak out about. They really need you to be who you are, and you do not... And who you are is what you do give to them, and that's what does make them and create them.

[61:40]

And the other things are distractions or... What do you call it? Distractions or... Yeah. Distracting. In the process we're talking about entering, of them realizing what giving is. that you're basically, that all you're doing is giving yourself to them. And all you're doing, all you're being is who they gave you to be. Pardon? That's a question. That's a question. Each moment is not so clear, so I'm trying to say. That each moment is not so clear means some moments it's not so clear. Some each moments it's not so clear. And some each moments you're not asking that question. I don't think you're asking that question every moment. I think you ask some other questions some moments.

[62:44]

That's what I think. I may not be right, but that's what I think. Yeah. Yeah. But when you have a question, then they have a mother who has a question. And then you can give them that. And you do give them that. But you can distract yourself and them from that. You've got a question and you can pretend like you don't have a question. So that's who you are. You've got a mother who's pretending like she doesn't have a question. That's what I've got. And you don't have to say it, but you can actually say it. But then they kind of like, whoa, we're talking about you being a gift? What's that about? This is a strange way of talking, Mom. I'm not saying you would say that just to, you know, to flummox them and distract them from this power trip they're on. But they can be on a power trip and that's their gift to you. And

[63:46]

One of the main ways that children make their mothers is by being on power trips with regard to her. The person they're on the biggest power trip with is called their mother, or their primary caregiver is the one they're most concerned with overpowering. But they also do not want to overpower you because then they'll lose you. So it's kind of they're confused. That's their gift to you. It's a little confused people. Okay? Here. Here's some suffering. Here's a confused little person, and we're on a power trip with you, and that means you're mommy. Now, what are you going to give us? We're not aware that we're giving you a gift. We are, however, giving you your life, but we're not aware of this. Somebody told us we're doing this, but we don't get it. But we're doing it anyway. So they make you, and you have a gift to give back to them. Stand up for yourself as a gift. which means don't try to manipulate your kids. Just be generous and thankful that they made you into a mother.

[64:49]

If you lose track of that, then you lose track of something that you shouldn't lose track of, namely how you actually are in relationship to everybody. You're still that way, but you just lose track of it. Now, are you just going along with me now? You look like you're going, uh-huh, uh-huh. But do you know what I'm talking about? I think it's having to reinforce being upright. Yeah, definitely. If we're not upright, it's hard for us to practice giving. And when we are upright, we become aware that we are practicing giving. It's already there. It's just that if you're not avoiding it, you're open to it and it's revealed to you. And also that you're receiving will be revealed to you because it's going on.

[65:57]

It's just a question of veering away from it by leaning one way or another or stiffing up. So being soft and upright are the key things, key postural things, to help us open to this process. Kind of quiet, but Norbert has his hand raised. Yes? So coming into awareness of the giving and receiving, to put it that way. Yes, that's a good way to put it. I like that way. That's the way I put it. You're not aiming into or away from it.

[67:01]

All right. If you lean into it, you'll miss it. And if you lean away from it, you'll miss it. Probably. Some people are so skillful that there's so much into it that they can lean away and still not lose it. But basically you want to be just present and it's there. You don't have to go anyplace to get it and you can't get away from it. And being upright is kind of like accepting that. Okay, I'm here. Lay it on. Reveal yourself Roderick? Thank you. I think I've got something tonight very important, but I have a conundrum. You have a conundrum to give me? You have a conundrum to give to me?

[68:02]

Yes. And it's, I can't generalize about it, it's very personal. And it may be a story, but It's an interesting story. It's got me hooked. When I was young, I learned subconsciously to react from one of my, either my mother or father, or both of them, probably my mother, by, in order to connect to people, I'd come down to their tone. Oh, I still do it. It always killed me one time. This gets in the way of me being of use to people, because if I'm doing this, it's like leaning into, but I don't know how to get up, right? And my identity is based often on this, on this becoming another person, not in a useful way. Is there any kind of practice that will allow me to see this? Because it's subconscious, it's not based on behavior.

[69:07]

Well, the first thing that comes to my mind, since it's 9-16, is if you'd be upright with a sense of not being in touch with your connection with the person. Because you're tempted to do something, to lean a little bit, to realize connection. It's subconscious, I... It's subconscious? Fine. If you feel a draw, you don't know from where, but maybe it's from a subconscious wish to realize you're connected. You do want to realize you're connected. And it might very well be subconscious. And you can maybe notice that you're trying to get something in that way by you being drawn into a lean. No? No? Well, the technique I've got right now... No, I mean, when I say no, did you not feel a draw to lean? I didn't feel anything. I had to find out through other people.

[70:09]

You had to find out what? Through other people. That you were leaning? Yes. Uh-huh. And that it was... so what I've been doing is, uh, calling another person who comes into the place where this is going and, uh, recognizes what's going on. And ask them to tell you that? And they... basically they're pulling me out. Um... But the reason I call them is not conscious. I call them about something else. I see. So it's all unconscious. Okay. That's the latest technique. So the technique is just to call quite frequently, even though you don't know what you're calling about. Well, I've managed to do it on occasions now. To call. Yeah. To bring somebody else in. Yeah. Even though you don't know what you're bringing them in about until after they come in. Yeah. But you just call anyway. Yeah, I think it's important to call. So I ask you for feedback. I don't know what I'm asking for feedback about, but I ask you for feedback.

[71:13]

So that's a good practice. Just call people in, even though you don't know what it is that you're calling in them to help you with. Do that practice. Even do it when you don't even know if you don't need to do it. In other words, you're maybe unconscious for what you need help with. Just as a practice, keep inviting people in to give you feedback. Even though you don't know what it is that you want them to give you feedback about. Do that practice. invite people to give you gifts. Please give me your feedback. Please ask me questions. Please, you know, welcome it. If you don't, even if they give it to you, you may not be welcoming and it doesn't work very well. Okay? Yeah.

[72:01]

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