This is pure and simple cover of true practice of the true mind of faith, of the true body of faith. I haven't suggested this during some more traditional sashins before, but I have suggested it during some other retreats, that you write a haiku to recite to the group at the end of the retreat.

[01:23]

Somehow it gave me a haiku, if you think of that. And haiku is a Japanese-bound poetry where it has three lines. First line is five syllables, second line is seven syllables, and third line is five syllables. And usually you use images of concrete things. It doesn't so much talk about feelings directly. It doesn't say, like it doesn't say, I was sitting by the pond and a frog jumped in and I was surprised. It says, my old pond, frog jumps in, walk. So you feel, you know, upset, maybe, or sadness.

[02:33]

The word sadness, in a way, is kind of abstract. But if you say, old temple bell, you might feel something. Or a rotten cake. You might feel something. So these are images like fans, and heat, and heat, and hair, and sweat, and blood, and flowers, and trees, and grass, and people. These are those kinds of images, and also based on some experience that you have here during this time is particularly actually amazing experience that you have the right sort of feeling of suppression. I'm going to try that and then if you do, you can recite them in our last meeting as long audience.

[03:39]

I want to say a little bit more about the magnanimous mind. One thing in particular was that when we hear that the magnanimous mind is not being carried away by the sounds of springs or the colors of autumn, which, if you try and set it more abstractly, you're not being carried away by your mind when it imagines gain and loss, and your mind when it thinks that you're being complimented or insulted. So in the midst of that, you don't get carried away by those things. You're inclusive. impartial with regard to them and immovable in the midst of your mind's calculating how you're doing.

[04:53]

But it's normal for the human mind to be evaluating how things are going, like, do these people like me or not? It's normal for teenagers to be constantly calculating the popularity rating in high schools. And they say, oh, it seems to be going up there. But adults do that. And little children do it. It's part of our sibling rivalry thing. Do my parents love me? Are they paying attention to me? Blah, blah. This is normal. So it's not that your mind stops calculating and evaluating how you're doing. It's just that you're not all shook up. about. Kind of like, oh, there's my mind calculating that I'm not doing things. Oh, well, there's my mind calculating my practice is really good. There's my mind practicing my practice slightly above average.

[05:56]

My mind's doing that, but there's not a big mind here, which is just kind of like, OK, all right. Not even OK or left. It's that's so. That's so. So there are times when your mind does turn off, so to speak, the calculation system. It does happen once in a while. Sometimes you look at something and nobody evaluates it. So there are states where the calculation system subsides or splits. But even when it's activated, the great mind embraces it generously, patiently, and it never is late. I cannot sound it.

[07:01]

Has it got... We must dream out with this. While a kiss is just a kiss, while a smile is just a smile or a sigh, a sigh is just a sigh, the fundamental things in life as time goes by. Fundamental things apply. Hmm? Apply. Oh, the fundamental things of life apply. The fundamental things apply as time goes by. Oh, the fundamental things apply as time goes by. The fundamental things apply as time goes by. The fundamental things apply as time goes by. So the third attitude that A. A. Kosso Dogen recommends when caring for the community is this

[08:18]

which in this translation I have here is called kind mind. It's called kind mind, elder mind, parental mind, grandmother mind, and so on. And he says this kind mind is the parental mind. Just as parents think about their children, you should bear in mind three treasures. Even poor and suffering people raise their children with deep love. Their hearts cannot be understood by others. This can be only known when you become a father or a mother. They do not care whether they themselves are rich or poor. But their only concern is that their children will grow up. They pay no attention to whether they themselves are cold or hot, but they cover their children when it is cold and shield them from the heat of the hot sun.

[09:36]

This is ultimate kindness. Only those who have aroused the mind can understand. And only those who practice this mind are aware. In this way, you should look after water or grains of sand with compassionate care, just as grains of rice, let's say, with compassionate care, as when raising your own children." When you handle rice or water or anything else, it must be with the affectionate and caring concern of a parent raising an only child. The great master Shakyamuni Buddha gave his final 20 years of life to shield us in an age of declining learning.

[10:40]

What was his intention? He offered his parental mind to us without expecting any fruit or gain." Someone told me that they felt a little bit of some kind of dynamic. some distrust between the image of Jesus Christ and Buddha Christ. Christ means anointed one. So Buddha's an anointed one and Jesus is an anointed one. But this person felt kind of like Jesus in a certain way because Jesus kind of like was so compassionate, he gave his life to save us. And I'm not trying to make Buddha as good as Jesus, In the Buddhist tradition, a Buddha died at 80. The tradition is that he easily could have lived to 100.

[11:43]

That was sort of his natural life span. But what he did is he donated his last 20 years, gave them away, and died 20 years early. And the 20 years were given to us to help us in our practice in the coming time. The idea of Buddha sacrificing his life for our welfare is there, too, just like Christ didn't use life for our own. And my first teacher in Zen, Suzuki Roshi, I think kind of gave his life for us. He really, when Casa Horace monasteries started, he really kind of gave himself, and I think that He didn't necessarily do what was best for his health. He did what was best for the practice. Maybe he shouldn't have been eating brown rice, for example, because he wasn't used to it.

[12:43]

And he changed his diet and lost a lot of weight. But I'm not saying that caused his cancer or anything. It may have weakened him some. But people, you know, People kind of wanted him to take it easy, but he wouldn't because he wanted to set an example for the young monks. Because we didn't have a long tradition of the young monks. So he was our own example, really. So he set a really good example, but it was hardened. So I think that the self-sacrificing example of Christ is one that I think is very moving, but it's not, I mean, it's not absolutely great. So, this is what Dogen said about the grandnature of the mind, and the delving mind. And I think I read that and heard about that in the early times I was practicing.

[13:50]

And I heard other expressions of grandmother in mind. It appears here and there in Zen literature, the expression grandmotherly kindness. And also sometimes when I read this particular thing where he says, this can only be known when you become a father and mother. Their hearts cannot be understood by others. I kind of feel sorry for people. I'm a saint. I'm sorry. I'm a saint. You're not a mother yet? You're not a mother yet? You're not a father yet? You're not a father yet? You're not a father yet? He wasn't. As far as we know. But he did know that parents know something that other people don't know.

[14:56]

Even he didn't know. And I remember when my daughter was born, I saw her come over to my mother. One of the first things I thought, the first thing I thought was Buddha. The first thing I did was laugh, because her head was about six times bigger than a decade ago. You know, and the baby's head's coming out. They say the head crowns. There's pressure on the cervix, and the head sort of bulges out a little bit. So you kind of think you follow the contour of that bulge, and you think that's how big the head's going to be. That's at the flip of the iceberg, and this huge cat came out. It's surprising. I mean, it was very calm. It was a very calm, huge cat. And that, you know, and then the doctors couldn't keep up with the kid, and they could cry. So the kid, she went, huh?

[15:59]

It's just about them crying. But anyway, the next thing I thought of was, oh, now I understand what my parents immediately meant when they said they loved me. They used to say that they loved me. You know, I remember when I was a kid, they'd say, I love you. And I'd look at them, and I'd think, Yeah, I know, right, of course you do. I mean, me too. But there was something about the way they said it that kind of felt, am I missing something here? I'm loving it here. Well, yeah. What do you mean? Did you try to tell me something more than you did me? And then when I saw the baby, I realized something I had never felt before. There's a special variety of love. It's a different type. It's just a special variety. We don't know it. I think a lot of people would give their life for their spouse or their lover. But the way you feel about your kids is something that you really need to give a generous one.

[17:07]

And, you know, it's just kind of sponsored by biology. But anyways, it makes it not... And in grand parents, too, you know, you don't have to work It's not like, oh, I should be thinking of my kid. You don't have to be mindful of your concern for your kids. It's kind of natural. At least where are you? I like to see you. Kids don't necessarily want to see you all the time. Sometimes they do, especially when you're little. But sometimes they grow up, but you don't forget them. They need to get new, but you don't forget them. It's easy to be mindful. Easy to remember. So in the same way, Douglass says we should care for the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. It's not something easy for people to remember the Buddha called Buddha. We aren't biologically endowed to keep thinking of supreme enlightenment.

[18:12]

We don't have that biological support. So we have to train ourselves to develop this grandmother mind towards enlightenment. So we have to be training ourselves to eventually think about enlightenment all the time. Even without saying the word enlightenment, you might be saying the word captain or tin. But really, you're thinking of enlightenment. You see it first, but really you see what you're thinking about is enlightenment. I'll be looking at the moon, and I'll be seeing you. Boom. Anyway, so I heard this teaching about the grandmother moon. I thought it was cool.

[19:13]

And there's lots of stories about grandmother nine, which I'll tell you if you want to later. Basically, I thought it was, yeah, really grandmother nine fun. Of course. And then I heard about stories about one of our ancestors, and this ancestor's name is Tetsu Gikai. And so it's, you know, in the lineage coming down to most of the Soto Zen practitioners in the United States and Europe now are descendants of Togu Zuma. There are other Soto Zen lines in China besides the ones that came to Japan. But not that I'm looking at the loss in the mass of Chinese culture at this point. Not a clear Soto Zen lineage in China anymore.

[20:14]

But so the one that we're mostly dealing with in America is the Sotozan of Dogen's lineage. So the next person in the lineage is A-ko and A-jo. The next person in the lineage is Ketsugika. So the third Japanese ancestor in his lineage is Ketsugika. So he's one of our great ancestors. And he had a wonderful disciple named Keizan Joki, who was very They had lots of great students. So I heard, I don't know exactly when I heard it, but I heard some rumors about some problems with Tetsugikai had kind of a difficult, he was a wonderful monk, but he had some difficulties with his life, like some other monks do who are not so bad. And So basically what I heard about was that Dogen told Gikai that he had some kind of problem on the grandmother mind, that he didn't have enough grandmotherly mind.

[21:30]

I heard that. That was a sticking point in his educational process. He didn't want to be a leader in a community. He was a wonderful, energetic, wholehearted monk. He was also one of the first tenzos of the monastery that Dogen founded called . What was then ? . Anyway, he was noted as a very devoted henzo at Crip. And the kitchen was separate from the meditation hall. And he used to carry the food up to the snow. Anyway, everyone loved him.

[22:31]

He was a wonderful, very. a very generous, kind, wonderful monk. And Dogen loved him, too. And he was a great administrator and had lots of energy. Houghton was just a great guy. He had a problem. And the problem that he had, Dogen called, not enough grandmother mind. And then I, a few years ago, found this thing called Final Instructions. This is Dogen's Final Instructions to Tetsu Gika, written by Tetsu Gika. And I read this to you. Final Instructions, recorded by Gika. On the eighth day of the seventh month of the fifth year, of the tensho ira. Master Dogen's disease recurred.

[23:33]

I was very alarmed and went to see him. This is just shortly before Dogen dies. His final instructions before he dies. He said to me, come close to me. I approached his right side and he said, I believe that my current life is coming to an end with this sickness. In spite of everyone's care, I am not recovering. Don't be alarmed by this. Human life is limited. And we should not be overwhelmed by illness. Even though there are 10 million things that I have not yet clarified, concerning the Buddha Dharma, I still have the extreme joy of not having formed mistaken views and of having genuinely maintained correct faith in the true Dharma.

[24:42]

The essentials of all this are not any different from what I have spoken of every day. This monastery is an excellent place We may be attached to it, but we should live in accord with temporal and worldly conditions. In the Buddhadharma, any place is an excellent place for practice. When the nation is peaceful, the monastery supporters will live in peace. When the supporters are peaceful, the monastery will be certainly at ease. You have lived here for many years, and you have become a monastic leader. After I die, stay in the monastery, cooperate with the monks and laity, and protect the Buddhadharma I taught. If you go traveling, always return to this monastery.

[25:45]

If you wish, you can stay in the hermitage. Shedding tears, I wept and said in gratitude, I will not neglect in any way your instructions for both the monastery and myself. I will never disobey your wishes. Then Dogen, also shedding tears and holding his palms together, said, I am deeply satisfied. For many years I have noticed that you are familiar with worldly matters and that within Buddha Dharma you have a strong way-seeking mind. Everyone knows your deep intention, but you have not yet cultivated a grandmotherly heart. As you grow older, I am sure you will develop it.

[26:50]

Restraining my tears, I thanked him. At that time, the head monk, Ejo, was also present, and he heard this conversation. I had not forgotten the admonition that I did not have grandmotherly heart. However, I don't know why Dogen said this. Some years earlier, when I returned to AAG and had gone to see him, he had given me the same admonishment during the private discussion. So this was the second time I was told this. On the 23rd day of the 7th of that year, Before I went to visit my hometown, Dogan told me, you should return quickly from this trip. There are many things I have to tell you.

[27:53]

On the 28th day of the same month, I returned to the monastery and paid my respects to my teacher. He said, while you were gone, I thought I was going to die, but I am still alive. I had received several requests from the Lord Oshishige Hapano at the governor's office in Rokuhara in Kyoto to counter the capital for medical treatment. At this point, I have many last instructions, but I am planning to leave for Kyoto on the fifth day of the eighth month. Although you would be very well suited to accompany me on this trip, there is no one else who can attend to all the affairs of the monastery as well as you. I want you to stay and take care of the administration.

[28:59]

Sincerely, take care of the monastery affairs. This time I am certain that my life will be over. Even if my life is slow in coming, I will stay in Kyoto this year. Do not think that the monastery belongs to others, but consider it your own. Presently you have no position, but you have served repeatedly on the senior staff. You should consult with others on all matters and not take decisions unilaterally on your own." Since I am very busy now, I cannot tell you the details. Perhaps there are many things that I will have to tell you later from Kyoto. If I return from Kyoto the next time we meet, I will certainly teach you the secret procedures for Dharma transmission.

[30:07]

However, when someone starts these procedures, small-minded people may become jealous. So you should not tell other people about this. I know that you have outstanding spirit for both mundane and super mundane worlds. However, you still left grandmother the heart. Dogen had wanted me to return quickly from my trip so he could tell me these things. I am not recording further details here. Separated by a sliding door, the senior nun, Agy, heard this conversation. On the third day of the eighth month, Dogan gave me a woodblock for printing of the eight prohibitory precepts. On the sixth day of the month,

[31:12]

Bidding farewell to Dogen at an inn in Wakimoto, I respectfully ask, I deeply wish to accompany you on this trip, but I will return to the monastery according to your instructions. If your return is delayed, I would like to go to Kyoto to see. Do I have your permission? Dogen said, Of course you do. So you don't need to ask any more about that. I am having you stay behind only in consideration of the monastery. I want you to attentively manage the affairs of the monastery. Because you are a native to this area and because you are a disciple of the late Master Aikon, many people in this province know your trust and reverence. I'm asking you to stay because you are familiar with matters both inside and outside the monastery."

[32:21]

I accepted this respectfully. It was the last time I saw Dogen. And this was his final instruction to me. Taking it to heart, I have never forgotten. Reading this, I feel that he wanted to go with this teacher because he thought he would never see him again if he didn't. And if his teacher wanted him to come with him, Because it's nice to have your children with you when you die. But he wanted to take her to the motor station.

[33:28]

So he stayed. So you see, he loved Dikai. He thought Dikai was a great person. And he loved her. It doesn't sound like he kind of was holding back in any way. What was this grandmotherly mind he had? So I couldn't understand what the problem was. It didn't sound like he didn't have a grandmotherly mind to me. So I had a problem with that for quite a while, you know. So I don't know when I first read this, but for about 10 years I was wondering. And then I heard a Japanese teacher talk about it, too, you know. He was the person who said how great Kikai was, and he said some things like that.

[34:33]

But then, you know, he was speaking in Japanese, and I kind of lost it. It's a subtle point. Yeah. And then it was, and then I tried to listen to the tape, but the tape was recorded on the screen, so kind of a problem. But then I found something more written by Deepak, which kind of clarified it. And this developed 18 months after this, after Dogen died. So he was Dogen's student, and he would have become Dogen's successor if Dogen had lived more. But he didn't become Dogen's successor. He became a successor to Dogen's successor. Eijo was Dogen's successor. He became Eijo's successor. But he was actually a fellow student with Eijo, but 30 years younger, 25 years younger. And probably the reason why Dogen didn't get him to complete his training was his grandmother's mind problem.

[35:39]

So then later, he kind of got it and did Dharma transmission. And this is what he wrote. In the past year or so, I've been reflecting on the lectures I heard given by our founder, our former teacher. And this is where he's talking to Asia, this new teacher in Dharma world. I heard, excuse me, even though I heard all of these talks from our former teacher, now they are different in meaning than at first. The difference concerns the assertion that the Buddha way transmitted by our teacher is the correct performance of daily tasks. Even though I heard that the rituals of the Buddha way are the Buddha way, in my heart I privately felt that the true Buddha way must reside apart from the performance of daily tasks.

[37:12]

Recently, however, I have changed my views Recently, how the reviews have changed. I now know, or I now have confidence, that the rituals of daily life, the rituals of daily life practice, and the deportment in our practice, are themselves the true Buddha witness. Even if apart from these there is also some infinite Buddha way of the Buddha and shukras, still it's really the very same thing. I have attained true confidence in this profound principle that apart from lifting the arm and moving the leg in one's daily Buddha conduct and deportment, there is no other reality. So this is really a problem.

[38:19]

And it's related to the fact that, well, let's talk about his problem. His problem was he felt that, again, when you're eating or sitting or cleaning the temple, cooking meals, that there must be some Buddhism in addition to them, beyond what you're doing. But what grandmother mind is, is that you take care of whatever you do, like you're taking care of your only child. And if you're, except in this case, your child, in a sense, is the Buddha. And so everything you do is a Buddhist ritual. In a sense that everything you do, you do to take care of Buddha.

[39:22]

When you lift a cup, you lift the cup to care for Buddha. When you turn a page in a book, you turn the page to take care of Dharma. When you flush the toilet, you flush the toilet as a ritual of taking care of a Sangha. Now, of course, I'm telling you, I want you to question me. But you do everything in your daily life to care for the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. And when you take care of your life that way, your life becomes a ritual. Or that action becomes a ritual. It's a ritual and an act of Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. And you do that. with the same concern that you would take care of your own baby. It wouldn't be like, well, maybe later I'll, maybe the next thing I'll do. But this thing, this, you know, because that's not really Buddhism.

[40:31]

See, he said, he was very devoted, but he didn't, he thought there was something more to Buddhism than just making everything you do the Buddha way. He thought that. That's what he kind of made it. He heard Dogen say that, he said, The Buddha way must be something more than just what we're doing. Somehow the grandmother mind is this feeling of the urgency to make your current activity, to devote your current activity to realizing the Buddha way. That's the grandmother mind that Ikai lacked. He was wholeheartedly doing what he was doing, but he still a little bit thought that there's something other than that to take care of. That split there was his lack of grandeur. And that's what Dogen was pointing to. That little duality there between lifting arm and extending the leg.

[41:37]

I'm thinking of some of the Buddhas in the world And he got over it, and he became the ancestor. And he uses this expression, actually, lifting the arm, lifting the arm and moving the leg. He uses that expression because he came from another teacher who was in another style of practice which was closely related and said something slightly different. What they said was that if you extend your arm or lift your left arm, all your activities manifest the Buddha Dharma. Whatever you do, manifest the Buddha Dhamma.

[42:38]

And that way has been criticized as antinomianism. Antinomianism means against the norms, or against the law. In other words, saying that precepts don't matter. All you got to do is a fake. Everything you do is the Buddhadharma. That's all it takes to manifest the Buddhadharma. The difference here is we don't say whatever you do is the Buddhadharma. We say we need to make everything we do the Buddhadharma. Do everything we do for the Buddhadharma. It isn't that whatever you do is a gift to Buddha. It's that you do everything for Buddha. That's the difference between grandmother's mind and the kind of heresy that would imply that it doesn't matter what you do because whatever you do is embraced by the Buddha now.

[43:51]

And in fact, the Buddhadharma does penetrate everything, but not everything manifests. So cruelty does not manifest Buddha. Because according to that, if you were cruel, that would manifest Buddhadharma. Buddhadharma penetrates cruelty. There's a lawfulness about how cruelty works. But cruelty doesn't manifest Buddha's compassion. Now, if you were cruel, and you noticed it, and you wanted to make your cruelty for the Buddha, then Kavya would say, I'm really sorry I did that. That was a big mistake. Please forgive me. I won't do that again. That's what you would do if you were doing it for Buddha. Because Buddha, you know Buddha wouldn't. Buddha does not want you to be cruel. So if you caught yourself doing something, what you do then is you confess and repent. That's what you do when you're unskillful.

[44:55]

And then you make your unskillfulness into offering to Buddha by confessing and repenting. And the Buddhas can't help you when you offer your confession of your unskillfulness. And when you're doing things which aren't necessarily all that skillful and unskillful, like drinking water, you're just kind of neutral, and it is somewhat skillful, but all your skillful and neutral actions, you do them for Buddha. So the rituals by which you intend to manifest the Buddha are the Buddha. Let's decide on that. And this relates to what I said earlier in the retreat, and that is that in order to have intimacy, we need rituals. We need one another.

[45:56]

And one of the things, one of the first things I heard from Cicero, which surprised me, was when he said, With people with acquaintances or strangers, you can be informal. You don't need to be formal with strangers and acquaintances. But with the people you're intimate with, you need formality. I thought it would be the other way around. Some people are quite fond of people they don't know. People are trying to inform what people are very close to. But in worship, really be close to people who said, you need to come out of it. It's surprising. Over the years, I thought about it, and now I really feel it's true.

[46:59]

I'm informal with my wife. I need to make appointments with her. But you think, oh, well, you live in the same house, you have to make an appointment because somebody lives in the same house with you, right? No, you don't need to. It's true. But if you want to be intimate with them, you do need to make appointments. Because if you don't make appointments, you never get together. You just walk by each other and say, can I talk to you sometime? I'm busy now. Can I talk to you sometime? Sure. When would you like? How about tomorrow? Can't do it. See you later. Want to go to the movie? Wait. Wait. How about tonight? Let's do it tonight. What time tonight? Got a period. Can't do it. How about? Six o'clock. Okay. Is it a date? Yes. Did you write it down? Do I have to?

[48:02]

Well, I think so. How do you do it? Or you say to your spouse, I'm going to go to a retreat in two weeks, let's say. And you say, did you hear me? You say, no, what did you say? I said, I'm going to retreat. Oh, when? Next week. I don't want you to go. What's the matter? Well, I have to do this, and I want you to do that part. Oh, I see. Or, OK, it's OK. You can go. And then you time for retreat, time to say, where are you going? Time to retreat. What retreat? I talked to you about this already. I know that I forgot and made plans for us in the meantime. Oh, do I have to get up all night with you to remind you, you know, like a secretary, you know, I have this retreat coming up? Ah, yeah. Maybe I could do. You would do that, you know. If you're intimate with somebody, you have to, sometimes you have to remind them.

[49:03]

Remember I told you a couple weeks ago that I was going to do a retreat? Well, it's been three days since I said that to you. Remember I said that to you? Just want to remind you, come enough. And a few days before the retreat, do you remember that I have a retreat coming up? No. Remember now? I remember when you said that, yeah. Is it still okay if I go? Yeah. I'm not, you know. But anyway, these things, because you live with them, they can read your mind. You think that they remember everything you say, but they don't remember what you say, and sometimes as they get older, they lose their hearing. And you say something to them, and you think they heard you, but you didn't check. And since you didn't check, you didn't find out that they didn't hear you. But why did you check with someone that you live with all the time, all over again? You don't have to, unless you want to interview with them. So with strangers, you don't have to check whether they remember that you're going to retreat, because they don't care whether you go to retreat or not.

[50:06]

So you go out by some of these streets, say, I'm going to retreat. They say, hmm. And then if they see you to a better line of the people, they'll say, where are you going? Are you crazy? When you're intimate with somebody, you have to do all this giving your word kind of stuff and checking to see if they heard it and getting them to say back, yes, I did hear you. And sometimes what they say back is, no, I didn't hear you. And you didn't check. And it's kind of a problem, it's kind of a lot of work to be like synchronized infinitely, isn't it? Like in a dance. One of the students, actually two of the students gave me tickets to this. It was ballet, a Frankfurt ballet, and I went to it just before I came here. And the last scene, the last piece in ballet was 22, I don't know how many people, but the whole troupe was playing on the stage, and they had 22 tables on the stage.

[51:18]

And they were dancing around the tables, and, you know, they had to, like, really just letting the character do this amazing intimate thing of dancing around these tables. And it's just a very intimate thing, this dance that they do. Yes? I'm thinking that there's, like, two varieties of these forms for it to be talked about. And one is kind of like what we were talking about the other day of... with what we determined here, footfalls, but here where they're explicitly stated and then sort of agreed upon. But it seems like there's also another kind of form, which I want to call almost codependence, things that arise in relationships with the people in your life that just happen. Like what? What's that? Like what? Oh, like throwing your towel on the floor after your bath and your leg picks it up. for the years and years, and it just kind of .

[52:25]

Yeah, but then we will say one thing. Yeah, but that's not a form. That's not a ritual. That's like codependence, maybe. That's exactly the kind of thing that does not promote intimacy. I understand it doesn't. I guess that's the conflict that I have. But that's not a form you set up together. What I mean by formality is, formality isn't just that you're manifest in form. It's that actually you're intentionally doing it that way, and they're intentionally doing it that way, and you agree together to do it that way. So you say, throwing the towel on the floor, you're not kicking ass, it's like you're going to be in movies without talking to her, and she just accepts it. You know, you just do something, and she kind of goes along with it. It's a pattern, but not a form. It's a form, but it's not a form in the sense of a ritual. It's not a ceremony. So in a sense, when you're interviewing somebody, you need to do ceremonies with them.

[53:28]

Like the ceremony of going to the movie involves, do you want to go to the movie? No. Yes. Whatever. Ask them. And then they say no. And you say, did you say no? And they said, no, he didn't say no. He said yes. And did he say yes? They said yes. This is especially important as you get older because people can't hear each other. And again, when a stranger comes in the house and they say hello, you say hello. And then you say, please have a seat. And then you don't just walk off and read your emails. But with your spouse, they come in the house, you say hi, and they just walk off. You might do that, but you wouldn't do that if it was a stranger. In both cases, it's not a very intimate thing to do.

[54:29]

So again, you're an able-bodied guy. You can go to the movies. You can wash yourself and throw your towel on the floor. But your wife might say, you know, I'd like to make an agreement with you and have a little ceremony called, you throw the towel on the floor, and I'll pick it up. Let's do that sound. You're the guy who washes himself and throws the towel. I'd like you to throw the towel right over here. It's called a hand. And I'll pick it up and I'll wash it. I'll do that. That would be our ceremony. Okay? And you say, Honor, when we do that ceremony together and we have this intimate relationship of you putting the towel in the shoe and she takes it and washes it and then she says, and then after I wash it I want you to fold it and put it back on the shoe. And you say, okay. That becomes a ceremony called the using of towels and the cleaning of towels and the putting of towels away and using of towels. Can you agree on that?

[55:30]

And it's an intimate thing to do and it can be an intimate dance rather than You throw it, she picks it up, but she doesn't need to be with you. Another one is a ceremony you could do. Here's a ceremony you could do. I'll wash our clothes and you iron them. I'll wash my clothes and your clothes and you iron them. And you say, okay. So she washes the clothes, and she gives you her clothes, and you iron her clothes. One woman told my wife one time, she said, this guy irons my clothes. It's such a turmoil. You know, you have an understanding. So I'm saying, what I'm talking about forms are sermons, rituals. where you agree and build it together, that they're bilateral. And in a sense, throwing the towel on the floor and picking it up in a sense is bilateral, but it's not really bilateral unless you agree to do it.

[56:37]

Well, both sides are kind of like checking with each other. Do you really want me to pick up your clothes after you? And you might say, yes, I do. And the person might say, OK, well, let's do it that way. But they might say, do you really want me to? And you say, yes, I do. Well, I don't want to. And you say, OK, well, then. So we should do it that you won't pick up after me? Yeah, let's do it that way. There's a lot of different ways you can do it. It could be a lot of different forms, but the main thing is that they're bilateral. We make them together. We check with each other to see if we understand correctly. And then we take care of them together. We maintain these forms together. And we make a commitment to take care of them. And so practice forms in a monastery are very much like that. But you can create these forms outside the monastery, too. But when you create them outside the monastery, in a sense, you're making a monastery.

[57:40]

Because you're making a place that's primarily devoted to intimacy. And dash, dash the Buddha way. Realizing intimacy is the blue, right? But we need form. When people get married, they make vows. I plight thee my troth. In other words, I tell you my truth. What's my truth? My truth is, I want to go to the movie. But you tell the person, and they say, good, you just plighted your troth to me. And now I have a comment on your troth. Your trot is not very attractive to me. I don't like it. I don't want you to go there. I want you to stay home with me and talk to me about something. Like taxes. I want to talk to you about our kids. Or I want to talk to you about our vacation. Or I want to talk to you about cleaning the garage. I want to wash the clothes with you.

[58:43]

I want you to do your ironing. That doesn't mean you have to do what they say. It just means that you talk to them about what you're thinking of doing, and you're committed to put your desires and ideas out in front of the person. You have that form. So habits are not the same as ceremonies that I'm talking about. The kind of ceremonies I'm talking about are ceremonies, the purpose of which is to manifest enlightenment, the purpose of which is to manifest intimacy. If you want to be intimate with people, I'm supposing you need forms. Otherwise, you're just slipping into acting relatively unconscious, uncommitted, non-intimacy. What we can easily do, again, by children, They do not naturally learn to brush their teeth. They don't, like, very seldom do children, like, parents brush their teeth, don't say anything to the kids, and the kids come over and say, can I brush my teeth now?

[59:48]

And they can talk. They don't necessarily want to. They need support. They need to do the ritual of tooth brushing ceremony. They need to do the ritual of toilet cleaning and training them.

[60:05]

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