which comes with the self. And you're liberating. You're basically free. And at that point, you're definitely in the enlightenment track. And you will not veer off. It will take no more than seven lifetimes to become free. There's this little space between the light times that's basically too significant. You are on the track. Things are looking good. Now, however, what you have to do now is you have the next covering. You have the covering just due to the fact that you've known something. It's a very subtle covering. So when you become liberated, you have some knowledge of it at this point. you feel some liberation, you have some sense of how it happened, and you know, in a way, you can make an object of your liberation too. However, that's still a little bit of a covering over what liberation really is.

[01:01]

You still have some limitation or some categorizing of your liberation. Or sometimes we say, the light of your liberation is not equally circulating in your being. And then you have to, like, meditate on the Self of your freedom, or the selfhood, and the separation between your liberation and what you think is not your liberation, and meditate on that until you realize that your liberation completely dependently co-arises with your bondage, and your ignorance, and so on. And then you even become free of the self of your liberation. or the self of all things that give rise to your life. You also see that all other beings are selfless and interdependent. And at that point, you see everybody's doing it. And then, circling back to the beginning, you no longer have to believe in the law of causal effect.

[02:05]

You can now see it. You no longer have to remind yourself, you know, that wholesomeness leads to good things and unwholesomeness leads to bad things. You can see it right away because your eyes can do it more. Then you don't have to have any beliefs anymore, so you're liberated even from belief. But you have to start with belief for that first one. Secondly, you don't have to believe. You already do believe in yourself. You have to examine your belief in yourself. Buddhism doesn't say you have to believe in yourself. Buddhism says you have to identify yourself that you believe in. You already believe in yourself. That's the problem. And you have to bring yourself, you believe, and interview and examine until you become free of it. And there are many, many ways to do that. This weekend is just one, you know, attempt to each of us bring ourselves into view, identify the anxiety that looms around it, and keep studying, even in spite of that anxiety. Notice how we veer off into fear to distract ourselves from the anxiety, and how fear takes us away from directly experiencing ourself, but then use the self as a courageous self to engage in the fear, and then come back, experience your creativity that arises in a relationship to the fear, and come back home and be an anxious person.

[03:27]

and just sit there until you understand the self and then the anxiety drops away and you get the first level of liberation. And at that point you're definitely, you know, kept your good eyes open. But you still have lots of habits which have to be transcended. The habits of categorizing things as independent are still going on. applying your new vision of selflessness to yourself, to the self of all the other things you see, until it's all cleaned up. And that's the practice. So that's, you see, all these different levels, there's anxiety. There's anxiety in terms of, if you don't have any anxiety about your action, then there are such people, and they're called psychopaths. or what do you call them now? What's the other word for them? Sociopaths. In other words, they so much don't believe in the consequences of their actions.

[04:33]

They're living on such a rough level that they don't even experience guilt or anything. They don't experience guilt. They don't experience shame. They're basically such extreme denial of their humanness. So they don't care about their action, they don't care about what happens to them. Hit them over the head with a shovel, they say, ah, so what? I don't care. They don't care about their head, they don't care about the shovel, they don't care about the person who hit them, you know? So when we're sitting, we're not supposed to think of any of these things. Not supposed to think of what? You know... You're not supposed to be thinking of something. You're not supposed to be thinking, but you do. I don't tell you that you're supposed to think of things. I don't say, go into zendo and think of things, but you did anyway, didn't you? I also didn't tell you not to, although maybe I'll try that just for fun.

[05:37]

Again, to tell people to not think of something or to think of something is unnecessary. People are always telling themselves to think and not think things. You can do that. Nobody has to help you with that. That's not Zen, to tell you or not tell you to do that. I can't sit around and... You can too sit around and... and analyze things. This. Huh? This what? What we were talking about the past 24 hours. You can analyze it. You're a very creative person. You can analyze anything. Well, I guess I'm saying I've hit the point of confusion. Yeah, you can analyze the confusion. The same that you hit confusion is the result of an analysis. You just analyze your experience, and you said, okay, given these categories of experience, I call this confusion. That's an analysis. Which is fine. Go right ahead and do that. That's fine. And perhaps your analysis is correct, because most people are confused, so probably you are too.

[06:42]

And you maybe have correctly analyzed your state as confusion. Some other people might say, I see some confusion and I also see some anger. That's another analytic statement, that you analyze your experience in terms of confusion and anger. Or some people say, I'm not angry, but I'm kind of lustful. Or some people might say, I don't see lust or anger, but I am confused. These are analytical insights. You can do that. You don't have to, but you can. The thing about this, what we're trying to work towards is a state of meditation which lets all that analysis go on and lets it operate, but feels the anxiety all around the person who is having these experiences and doing this analysis. And it's not so much that I'm proposing to you that you should do analysis or shouldn't do analysis, I'm saying to be the person that you are.

[07:46]

And it turns out that to the extent that there's elements of your personhood, to the extent that there's multiplicity in your experience, you have to face all the different elements and experience them all. That means there's some analytical aspect to your experience already, so you just have to honor that. You don't have to make yourself be all these different parts and complexities. You just need to honor that all And it turns out it is possible for you to do it because it's happening. So that's why you practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is you just are aware of what's happening. That's basically your work. Your work is not so much to make things happening at the level of meditation. However, prior to that kind of meditation is the practice of believing in cause and effect so that in terms of your actions, you're very careful. And if you're very careful of what you do, the good results of being careful will be that you'll be able to be aware of what you're doing.

[08:52]

You can't really practice mindfulness very well if you're doing unwholesome things all the time. Now, some people are doing these certain unwholesome things and they're also mindful. But the reason, according to the law, the reason why they can be mindful while they're doing unwholesome things is because in the past they did some very wholesome things. Therefore, as a result of that, now they can be mindful even while they're doing unwholesome things. But still, it's better to be mindful while you're doing unwholesome things than to not be mindful while you're doing unwholesome things. You mean enjoying it? No. No, not enjoy. The thing is, the proposal is you do not enjoy unwholesome things. You do not. That's the proposal. But you're mindful of what you're doing. I'm not saying you are mindful, but if you are mindful, in Buddhism, Buddhism is the reverse of what he called the Western system. Premeditated murder is considered to be worse, I guess, than unconscious murder.

[09:58]

Right. which is either manslaughter or temporary, you know, a temporary impulse, right? But in Buddhism it's slightly better that you be aware when you're doing a bad thing. Doing a bad thing in the dark and not even knowing it, you know, like you really are angry at somebody and you really do try to hurt them and you're not aware. I am now angrily, violently hurting somebody. To be somewhat aware while you're doing it is better. Because then you'll see... I was angry. I did this. I feel terrible. And now look at, and now, I feel terrible now. And watch all this other stuff. Here it comes. Watch it. Boom, boom, [...] boom. Sure enough. That's better. Okay. Similarly, it's slightly better to do a wholesome thing and not be thinking about how wholesome it was. Slightly better. It's okay to be aware of it, but it's slightly better if you're not thinking of how wholesome it is, but just watching it without judging it that way. Trying to do something wholesome and being successful without congratulating yourself is somewhat better.

[11:00]

So you want to be non-judgmental? Non-judgmental means, again, that if you're being judgmental, you're willing to be that person who is judgmental. Zen is a non-judgmental meditation, which means that Zen is non-judgmental of people who are being judgmental, particularly including yourself. So when you're being judgmental, you say, there I go again being judgmental. But on that level, you don't say, you know, get angry at yourself about being judgmental. You just, in a friendly way, say, well, there she goes again. Did it again. Oh, there again. Doing it again. Basically, we are judgmental creatures. That's part of our nature. We're constantly judging. This is good, this is not good. This is pain, this is pleasure. We're doing it all day long. It's an omnipresent function of our mind is to judge. Being non-judgmental means that you're always studying your processes of judgment.

[12:02]

You don't say, okay, I'll pay attention when I'm judging positive, but I won't pay attention when I'm judging negative. In other words, I won't look at pain, and I will look at pleasure. Non-judgmental means whatever is happening, you study it. A person who studies whatever is happening is a non-judgmental person, at least at that moment. They are non-judgmental if they study whatever is happening. But again, if you study what's ever happening, that means you're aware of what's ever happening, that means you're aware of being a person, that means you feel anxiety. So again, this wonderful non-judgmental being has trouble staying there in that wonderful non-judgmental state. because that person feels anxiety. It's another aspect of not being non-judgmental, is you don't run away from anxiety. Is it possible not to feel separate?

[13:05]

Yes, it is possible to not feel separate, even while you believe that you are, even while having the fundamental belief. But the way we feel not separate is just you say some things yourself. That's one of the basic ways to do it, like with your children, you know? You feel like your children are you. But they're still separate. They're still separate, and you can flip over into them being separate, but you can also feel that they're not separate. You can act like that, too. You can act like, okay, I want my blood here. I want my money here. I want my car. I want my milk. Just like that. You act like you actually thought they were you. And you feel like that, too, and it's wonderful. That's not a problem. The problem is when you also think that they're separate, and when they behave in certain ways, you think that's not you. And then you... Then the problem starts. But you can also flip into not feeling that people aren't separate. That is possible for us to do.

[14:09]

But basically, we bring them over into ourself. Including your enemies? you can do that with your enemy too. Yes. But the other thing is that even the things where you do feel the person or enemy is separate, even in those cases, if you study that, without taking the separation away, you can see how the separation is insubstantial. That's what happens here, in the second one, in the third one. If you study the separation, it isn't that you incorporate the thing into yourself. Right while feeling the anxiety, you see what's caused, and it turns, and without the separation going away, you see the emptiness in the substantiality of the separation. And then your eyes open, and you see. Sometimes the sense of separation is gone, which is fine, but that isn't vision.

[15:10]

That's just, you know, transposition of boundaries. You move your boundary out and incorporate the other person. Not necessarily possessively, just as you identify with them. And then you don't feel separate. And then a moment later you can switch and then suddenly they're outside your boundary in terms of the way you interpret it and then you do feel separate and then you've got a problem. And the separateness we feel from other people is a ramification of the separateness which we all feel from the big not us, even beyond our ability to image things. If you can deal with that, you take a step back here, and then all people naturally are very intimate with us. And simultaneously, like I said, I don't think I can stick my finger in your ear without your permission. I know that you know, I've learned that most people want some consultation prior to this.

[16:15]

So even though I feel like, you know, you're like my own body, not only like my own body, but you are the fulfillment of my body. Like my little body is just pain and anxiety non-stop. That's my body. It's just anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, my body. But caring about other people is bliss, bliss, bliss. You know? But that doesn't mean, okay, since I'm in so much bliss because I care about you more than me, and since I realize that you really are who I really am, and you complete my own being, and instead of threatening me now, I understand that we dependently co-arise, and therefore I can do whatever I want with you. No. No. You still get to be, even though now I'm totally devoted to you because I see that you're me, and I'll do anything for you, which is kind of your gain too, right? Still you maintain all your property rights.

[17:17]

And I'm not going to move in on you. Unless you come into the room and tell me that you don't want me to move in. And even then I won't move in. I'll just say, why did you come in here and tell me that? Do you want me to move in? Is that what you're trying to say? Or I'm not going to tell you my address. Well, why did you come here and tell me that? Then I get interested. It's not that I want to, it's not that exactly I want to find out your address. I mean, if you don't, if you don't really don't want to tell me your address, just don't tell me and I'll probably never even ask you. But if you come over to me, walk right up to me, look me in the face and say, I'm not going to tell you my address, then I think, oh, suddenly I'm really interested in your address. What is it? I'm not going to tell you, but why are you telling me? You know, I don't get it. And I don't think necessarily you want me to know, I think you want me to ask you why you're telling me that I can't find out.

[18:24]

And I maybe never will know your address, but you're going to realize that for some reason you came and told me that I couldn't have it. What are you trying to do? And then you're gonna feel anxiety. Because you're somebody who went out of his way to tell me that you weren't gonna tell me who you are. Maybe then they showed you. Completely. They showed me. Completely. Totally revealed themselves. And still I'm interested. But I was interested before. I'm interested in whoever comes. I'm interested. But then when they come in with a mask over their face, then I'm particularly interested in the mask. I mean, I'm interested in the person in general, but I'm particularly interested for a person who would come in and intentionally expose themselves to me while hiding. It's a funny way to hide, you know, to come in to somebody and say, okay, I'm going to hide from you now. Well, it would be easier just to sort of be some other state.

[19:28]

Then I wouldn't even be wondering what's behind the mask. But you're making yourself vulnerable to come in and put the mask on, do you see? I'll never find out even if you take the mask off. But the funny thing is, if you come in and put a mask on, I'm not going to find out who you are, even if you take the mask off, but you're going to find out. So you totally expose yourself as a person who's hiding. Like I say, it's easy for me to see somebody who's hiding when they come right in front of me and hide. But if they're hiding without, where I can't see, I often, I miss quite a few people that are hiding from me. There's people who hide from me all over the world. I don't know where they, I don't even know where they are. But people who hide from me right in my face, I know exactly where they are and I know exactly how they're hiding. And they're not hiding. But still, the fact that they're hiding makes me wonder, what is going on? And I really get interested. But I don't rip the mask off. I just say, what is that?

[20:31]

And then they tell me. And then they realize who's behind the mask. Nobody. And that's a big relief. Prior to that, there's a lot of anxiety. Is he going to rip the mask off? What'll he think when he gets the mask off? Does he like my mask in the first place? Should I have worn a different mask? Will he approve of this mask? Is this a true Zen mask? Is what's behind the mask the true Zen face? Okay. You said before you would talk about guilt and guilt and shame in relationship to... Okay, so, in relation to all three of these, there's different, you know, there's many dimensions in which we feel affronted, threatened, and attacked by non-being, not to mention by things that we can't... You know, society, for example, is a

[21:36]

we make an image of society that's attacking us. And around action, we feel society and non-being might come at us. So the first one is our moral being. And we feel affronted in that way. So we feel guilt. We feel attacked in terms of guilt and condemnation. That's one of the dimensions in which non-being threatens us. If you don't care about your action, then your actions don't bring you back to yourself. I'll say it again. If you don't care about your actions, your actions will not be very self-referential. Your belief in yourself is driving your actions. As a matter of fact, you cannot do an action without believing in yourself because that's the foundation of action is I do this.

[22:44]

I reach out. I pull back. I listen to the airplane. This is the foundation of karma, is sense of self, independent self that does things. If you're not careful of what you do, then what you do is not an opportunity to reflect on who's doing it. If you're very careful of what you do, the reason why you're careful of what you do is primarily because the consequences of what you do are so powerful for you. So because you care about yourself, you're very careful about what you do. And then when you're careful about what you do, it reminds you of how much you care about yourself. So it brings you back home. So when you come back home, in terms of your action, you wonder, well, did I do it right? Did I do it wrong?

[23:48]

So the non-being out there can come at you and say, well, No matter what you do, you do it wrong. You'll never be, there's no way, you know, there's no way you're ever going to like be able to do it right. Because we got like stuff out here, ways of judging you that you like, you know, forget about it. There's no way you can, there's nothing you can do to, if you can, if you're capable of doing anything wrong, there's nothing you can do to like remove that. And isn't that right, in a sense? Aren't we capable of doing bad things? And is there anything we can do which is going to remove that capability? We try, we try, we try, and we try, and that is good. That's what's recommended. But then when you do that, then you come back to yourself more, and then you feel the self, and feeling the self, you feel the big scale all around you, and the big scale says, there's nothing you could, as a person, you little pipsqueak, you can't, like, change your nature.

[25:03]

You can't, like, pull out your fangs. You have power to hurt. Human beings have power to hurt. We can hurt. We can do harm. You can't, nobody can take that away from himself or herself. There's nothing you can do. We try, working with these images and these objects, we try to fix it up, but we can't do anything. Non-being reminds you of that. It brings back, relatively speaking, in many different situations, a sense of guilt. Then, on top of that, in a big way, finally, it brings back condemnation. that you're going to get it for this. The wheels will turn in that way and it's going to come. And there's nothing you can do about it because it's totally beyond all your action. However, your actions are just basically a reflection of your evil potential. People are both Buddha by nature and have potential to do evil.

[26:13]

We have both that. The potential to do evil means that when we're deluded, evil can manifest. Anytime that we're deluded, anytime we're not awake, evil can manifest. When we're not awake, and when we are awake, evil cannot manifest. But it isn't that our nature changed, it's just that it can't manifest in the light of wisdom. Because the basis of evil action has been removed, the self has been forgotten. There's no afflictions anymore. There's no evil karma. But one blink of the eye and we have the capacity to flip back into evil. Therefore, when you feel that non-being all around yourself, you're reminded of your potential and you feel that potential. which you then be very careful of. And you feel anxiety in terms of your action, but also anxiety in terms of your potential to do unwholesome things.

[27:16]

And also, you feel condemned. You are already condemned. You feel that in an ungovernable way for all the things you've done in the past. Again, if you can feel that anxiety and stay present with it, you can deal with what's coming. You can deal with your condemnation. but you do feel anxiety, we are already condemned for the bad things we've done. The condemnation has occurred and is coming to us. If you can stand the anxiety of that situation, when it comes, you have a chance of dealing skillfully with it. So facing this kind of anxiety, both in relative terms of guilt and in complete terms, in ultimate terms, in terms that you've already been condemned, and you will be condemned for anything you do in the future, facing that is the same as facing this anxiety because you feel anxiety about that. You face the anxiety skillfully, uprightly, gently, then when the stuff comes, you can deal with it too.

[28:18]

You turn away from the anxiety when this stuff comes, you're going to smash back or shrink back and there's going to be more trouble. So you have to have your full integrity, and your full integrity is tested by the experience of anxiety. If you can live with that anxiety, your integrity can flourish and develop, and develop, and develop, and develop. And your integrity is that you are a compassionate, wise being, like everybody else. So that's the anxiety of guilt, shame, and condemnation. That's the moral dimension of anxiety. Then there's the being dimension, which we've been talking about mostly. And the other dimension of anxiety is in terms of meaning.

[29:23]

Or you could say, is the anxiety about meaninglessness. And there again, as usual, when you feel anxiety, the trade-off is, the cop-out is, if you back off and not be yourself, then the anxiety will subside. If you have a self, One of the rewards of having a self is being exposed to meaninglessness. Meaninglessness comes as a little gift to you on top of having a self. Just let me finish this, okay, because this is real hard.

[30:32]

Then you can ask it. So, feeling meaninglessness of our life, feeling surrounded by meaninglessness and emptiness, emptiness in the sense of vacuous hollowness of our life, this is a threat to what? To a meaningful thing. What's a meaningful thing? Me. I'm meaningful. Emptiness is a threat to something that's full. What's full? I'm full of me. So, by being a full, meaningful thing, person, I get it threatened by meaninglessness and emptiness, hollowness. That challenges me. So again, there's one way to respond. Back off. Surrender yourself. Pretend like you're not a self. And guess what'll happen? Meaning will come back. Then you get meaning. Good girl. You pretended, you gave up yourself, you stopped thinking as your independent thing, and now you get a reward.

[31:35]

Here's meeting again. But the reason why you backed off being yourself was because you selfishly wanted meeting for yourself. So you didn't really give up yourself. You just collapsed in the face of recognizing and honoring the meaninglessness. That's good to honor it, but don't collapse. just like it's good to honor other people, but don't collapse. Don't submit. Meeting meaninglessness, meeting emptiness, don't collapse. Face it. Live with it. Live with the non-being in the form of meaninglessness. Become intimate with it. And by being willing to be intimate with the anxiety of meaninglessness, another dimension of yourself will be clarified and dropped. Because in fact, meaninglessness is a perfect match to the great meaning that we get out of ourself.

[32:39]

Our independent self is actually incoherent and meaningless. It doesn't make sense. So non-being is our friend. Tip us off. Our self is actually hollow. There's nothing to it, really, other than just, there's nothing to it. Whenever you reach for yourself, what do you get? You get somebody else. You cannot get a hold of yourself. Yourself is hollow and meaningless. When you have a self, then hollowness and meaningless comes and knocks on the door and says, we're coming to visit you. then they're so horrible, hollowness and meaninglessness are so horrible that in order to protect ourself, we shrink and submit and surrender and we get protective custody. And then the meaning backs off and they come in and say, okay, here's some meaning for you and also you're not so hollow after all. So the self in its shrunken form kind of limps off into the horizon and looks for a chance when maybe nobody's looking and it can assert itself again.

[33:48]

But as soon as you do, non-being sends meaningless back to you. So in some sense, I kind of feel like it's like there's a being aspect, there's a moral aspect, and in a sense, there's a spiritual, artistic aspect that we get threatened when we have a self. So I think I've pretty much told you, I haven't gone into as much detail as we could over the rest of our lives, but I've pretty much told you how bad it is. And anxiety has this root, you know, and fear has the same root, the same root of these threats to our selfhood. Yes, what's your name?

[34:50]

Barbara. Barbara. Yes, Barbara. You were talking before about being born into a human form as a result of goodness, like action. Yes, lots of good mirror, lots of mirror. So if you get a figure like Hitler, born into a human body, then would you say that where he was at evolutionarily was higher than having been born as a cow. Definitely. It's incredible. Yeah. And he and some of his other people, apparently, I mean, from what I understand, they did these incredibly cruel things. Incredibly cruel things. And where that leads to is a misfortune on a level which, you know, just... the misfortune that comes to his life stream, to his evolutionary stream, is just, well, in his own lifetime it got pretty bad.

[35:55]

But, but, it's, you know, there's no end to the, there's no end to the trouble he's in, that he's in, but that will result in a stream of events that follow from what he has done and his friends did. And they were not aware. They did not believe in the law of cause and effect, so they thought they could do these things. They dare to do these cruel things, and they will be, you know... So there was negative action in prior lives, but there was also enough good action that he was born human. Yeah, there's a predominance, a predominance of... We all have lots of negative action in our past, but being human means that there's a predominance of good action. So you get this opportunity. But now that we've got this opportunity, all the more slight unkindnesses from us can be major devastation because we know better. To disrespect this opportunity is much more disrespectful than to disrespect the opportunity of being in hell.

[37:01]

But in future lifetimes, he will still always be born human again, is it possible? No, no, no. Oh, you get it. I didn't know that the rest of his life was a plan. You come back for the next 10,000 lives and you just work it out. Yeah, I mean, you know, there are stories. I don't know the stories. I can't tell. I don't know his story, you know. But there are stories of very many, many lifetimes of being born in various forms, but not just low forms in the terms of, you know, like, that banana slugs are lower than dogs or something, but that to be born as a mean-spirited banana slug and be irritated by everything, you know, to hate the smell of banana slime and be born as a banana slug, you know, to be a very miserable banana slug for many lifetimes. and be in a situation where, you know, people pour salt on you over and over and over, you know, and you experience, you know, agonizing metamorphosis over and over and over and over again.

[38:12]

I mean, these are the stories that the wise people have seen beings go through. That's why they're very careful. Because you can... you can... degenerate into basically the worst of all forms of being a person who doesn't respect cause and effects, and you go down and down and down, and you experience torment after [...] torment. Bleed. So, say, in this life, I want to slap the Buddha. Yeah. And so, bad always leads to bad. Yes. All right. How would it be possible to practice good in this life after that? You know, it seems like it would be an exorbitant way. Strictly speaking, as long as you don't draw blood from the Buddha when you slap him, you can still do good things after that.

[39:17]

What if I drew blood? Pardon? What if I drew blood? Well, then you immediately, you immediately don't have this life anymore. So, in other words, you always had that opportunity to practice good? Fortunately, there's no real Buddha around right now, so you're safe. But the thing is, imagine... On the planet? Well, I don't think so. I mean, I haven't heard of one. Well, who do you think is a Buddha? Most of the candidates have said they're not. Most of the people we might try to pin it on, I've said, no, not me. You think the Buddha would kind of like... The Buddha is humble, but the Buddha wouldn't... You think the Buddha would say that the Buddha wasn't Buddha? The first one didn't do that. It's depressing. It may be depressing, but on the other hand, you don't have the danger of what would happen if you didn't teach the Buddha properly.

[40:21]

That's one saving grace. But you do miss a chance, because if there was a Buddha like that, if you just went to the Buddha and just gave the Buddha one Snickers bar or something, that would fix you up. You'd be guaranteed to be a Buddha if you didn't... So there's positive and negative sides of having an actual Buddha around. Again, it's an extremely great opportunity and an extremely great danger. If you miss capitalizing on the opportunity of studying with a Buddha if there's one around, it's worse than if the Buddha wasn't there and you didn't study with somebody. So there's a great danger of Buddhas around and there's a great opportunity. So anyway, what we've got here is a situation where nobody in their right mind is claiming to be Buddha at this time. And there's some people who are... very, very good people. And that's good enough. And those people who are very, very good are also humble. But Buddha was humble too, but he said, I am Buddha.

[41:27]

My teacher, Suzuki Rishi, when the first talk I gave, he said, I'm not enlightened. And I thought, oh, too bad. Here I came, I gave up my old life to come here to study with him, and he's not Buddha. Well, It's the best I've ever seen in all state. The next week he said, I am Buddha. But then the next week he told a story about, you know, going into the closet when he meant to go in the bathroom and stuff like that. So basically it all kind of came out. He was pretty much kind of like a really wonderful, kind of like us kind of guy. He wasn't actually like Shakyamuni Buddha. And pretty much for the last 2,500 years, none of Buddha's disciples have actually claimed to be like equal to the Buddha. Although they're basically Buddha's and doing Buddha's work. And so can you. You're not going to be shocked by Buddha. There's not going to be one like that without us noticing. And in that case, that particular person can say, is to say, I'm Buddha.

[42:27]

And it's okay. You know, they say, even they say, I'm Buddha. Such people are allowed that conceit of saying, I am Buddha. But the other people, the other great sages don't say, I am Buddha. They just say, you know, they say stuff like, well, I'm not too good, but you know, folks, I'm extremely happy to be able to practice. And they mean it. And they act like it. And practice means I'm extremely happy to devote my life entirely to your welfare and to the welfare of all beings. And they act like that. They're incredible. There are people like that. They're wonderful. And they're not discouraging, and it's not depressing to meet them. And they're still, if you'd be nice to them, that's also good. But being nice to really great people is slightly better than being nice to not-so-great people. Sorry, but, you know. It's very good to be nice to not-nice people, too. But it's even better to be nice to really great people. That's one of the rules. Yes?

[43:29]

I have a... I've struggled with a conscious period. When I see a dog or a cat or a cow or something, instead of thinking it's a nice cat, I would think it's a nice bad man. I like anything cool. Think about that cat. It doesn't necessarily work quite like that. I mean, I've heard somebody say that some people who are like, you know, really some, like, I forgot the example, I think the example was some really nice, kind, honest car salesman are reborn as, you know, what, collies. In other words, some really nice dogs were actually pretty nice people before, okay? But the way things work is that somehow in some other lifetime they've made some little mistakes so that they don't get to be a human again.

[44:35]

Being a human is an extremely exalted opportunity. And some humans don't get to be human again. However, if you're human and you're pretty good, like I say, being an honest used car salesman and trying to help people and not, you know, rip them off, as a result of that good, you could be born as a nice, healthy dog. And have people be really nice to you, you know? You know, have your whole life, basically your whole life, as soon as you're born, you go to a nice home and they love you their whole life. You have to eat dog food pretty much, but they get you the fat dog food. You don't get to have a self and suffer all that anxiety and stuff and realize transcendence of self. You don't get to do that. You don't get to practice Buddhism, maybe, in that way. But you get to have a decent life as a sentient being and have people, maybe pretty much everybody be nice to you your whole life and maybe have a nice little family of... or mongrel collies and other mixtures and, you know, have a decent life.

[45:36]

You made it lucky in being Madonna's dog. Yeah, right. So it's possible to, and that's a result of good karma, to be a dog in a nice poem and also to be an appreciative dog and a loyal dog, you know, and love your master or mistress and love being devoted to them. That can be pretty good. That's pretty good. You know, that's, you know, pretty good. And that's a result of goodness, to have that high state of evolution. Basically, all life is basically good, you see. It's just that some life comes with torment. And the reason why there's torment to something which is basically good, all life, including banana slugs, is good. But some life forms feel tormented because they're tormented by what they've thought in the past. They have hated other beings, they have felt selfish, they've been concerned for their own welfare and not respected other life forms. And as a result of that kind of process, they experience now anguish and suffering and misery.

[46:38]

Even though all life is precious, life can turn that. So if I hate things, I will, in this lifetime, I will feel terrible. The hateful thought that might even seem odd to you, in essence, is from the past. My hateful thought what? Let's say you have a hateful thought. Yes. It arises. Yes. And you look at it and you say, God, it's not me. But it arose. Yes. You're saying that's from the past. Yes. Well, more like feeling paranoid and feeling ungrateful and feeling harassed and annoyed by what's happening. It's negative, and also, in addition to being negative, I'm not grateful for this negative experience. In other words, I'm alive and I'm in pain, but I'm not grateful to be alive and in pain.

[47:40]

Some people... would be very, very happy to be in a human body that's in pain. They would be very, very happy to be in your body in pain. The most pain that you've ever had in your lifetime, some beings would be happy to jump in there and go down that. And they'd be very grateful for the opportunity. My life, some people in my life, they would think it was terrible. They would think it was hell. I'm very happy with it. Those people would also be, some of those people would also feel very terrible to be in some of your other bodies, too. That's the result of your past way of thinking. The fact that you're unappreciative of what's happening, of the things that are coming to you. Lack of appreciation of that. That's a result of past karma.

[48:44]

Thinking an angry thought is also a result of past karma. Probably it isn't the first time you did it, but it's a new karma, it's a new action. It's also a result, but it's an action rather than a way of feeling it, rather than judging it, rather than a way of preaching it. Not everything is a result of past karma, but our take on fighting is. The way we see the world is. The way we see the world is not all that's happening. There's a lot more going on inside of you than you think. That's not good for our country. But that's not our problem either. Our problem is the way we feel about things. That's our problem. Can we do what we do about things? It's not always a problem because sometimes we're extremely grateful for what's happening. Then we don't have problems. Well, I was wondering how, since the population is growing so much, is that, and there are more humans being insulted, is there more betterness going on?

[49:53]

Yeah, but it still may be better, it still may be a good idea to have less humans, even so. And if we can, that's why, if there's a way for us to, in a kind fashion, decrease human population, It may be all right. You say, what about these people who are kind of like waiting for human opportunities? Well, if we can, in a kind way, for the sake of all humans that are living now and all their kinds of animals that are living now, if we can kindly modify the population structure, beings that are born in other forms will also experience that kindness. So it's all right. It all depends on your motivation. If we'd like to reduce human population just to thwart those who would like the opportunity, then we won't reduce human population. That will not lead to it. Because that kind of selfishness leads to unconscious intelligence.

[50:57]

But yeah, a lot of, a lot of, there's many more beings, you know, lots of beings that would like to be born humans if they even could think of it. And there's some beings who have thought of it in the past, and so if they're given the opportunity, they would think of human birth. Human birth means that you're interested in human reproduction causes. That's how you get born as a human. You get interested in human sex. That's the story. But even beings that have the ability to be interested in human sex still have to kind of wait in line for the opportunity. I've lost you there. What beings are you talking about? Not in human form?

[52:02]

Well, if I proceed along this line, I think that it might not be conducive to you inhabiting your being right now. So I did say this, and I really don't want to pretend like I can take back what I said, but I think that maybe right now, it would get kind of ungrounded if I followed this line and followed you further about these beings that are waiting to be born. Okay, so can I postpone that until later in your life? Yes. Yes. Yes. Same thing. Same thing. Well, no, it's a result. In other words, your interpretation or evaluation of things is what leads you to be appreciative.

[53:08]

Right. So, both are the result of the way you thought before. The fact that I would appreciate your presence is a result of me appreciating other situations and not being angry and disgusted and disrespectful of life. Respecting life in the past leads me to respect and appreciate life in the present. But these things, the way that we see, or the way that we're trying to understand that these things are within our control, to understand that we can be, we can sort out... It's not that things are within my control. It's not that things are within my control. It's that I wish, either I wish or I do not wish to do good. If I wish to do good, then I do, then I will follow to some extent that wish. Even if I wish to do good, if I also wish to do bad, it's kind of a competition. But if I really wish to do good, and at the moment I wish to do good but not want to do bad, and I align my behavior with that as best I can, it's not that I'm in control, it's just that that leads to being able to appreciate life and appreciate other beings and be grateful for what happened.

[54:21]

That's one of the benefits of wanting to do good and trying to do good is is that you experience life in a grateful fashion. That's one of the good things that happens. One of them. And important. But that doesn't mean I'm in control. I'm not in control. It's just that my good actions lead to fortunate results. But I may have an enormous amount of bad actions in the past so that they keep dumping down on, before my good actions even take effect, all these bad things are coming down on me because of things I've done before. So I'm not in control. But I don't, in some sense, I don't care that I'm not in control. I just keep doing good because I believe that's the way. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure in this lifetime I've done a lot of bad things. So they're going to come due pretty soon in this lifetime or later.

[55:27]

So I'm just like, you know, kind of like trying to do as much good as I can so I get in the habit so that not only to produce good results, but when some of these bad things come that I might be able to hopefully be in a real grateful and appreciative mood when this stuff starts coming down on me. Because it's coming. I'm pretty sure. Looks like it's going to come. But I can be in really good shape for when it comes. I can be like a real good catcher, you know? Boom! So isn't misfortune just what we perceive? Because if bad things happen but you're ready to catch it, is it not really misfortune? I mean, do you not define it as misfortune or... You could still define it as misfortune and receive it gratefully. I mean, you still know, oh, this is sickness. I mean, everybody around says, oh, that's too bad.

[56:29]

And you know it's sickness, and it is sickness, and it's painful and it's difficult. And you know that. But you're grateful for it, not for it specifically, but you're grateful to be alive. And this is the latest version of life for you. So basically you're grateful. You're not specifically grateful to be sick today. We're not, you know, like, oh, goody, a cold. Or, oh, goody, the flu. It isn't much like that, but rather, oh, I'm grateful to be alive, and this thing comes, and I'm still grateful to be alive. Okay? But you know it's misfortune. That's why I'm saying this stuff's coming. Many flus are coming my way. Some very severe ones. You know, flus like that make your, you know, you've heard about some of these flus that are kind of real bad, like they make your skin pop and stuff like that. These kind of flus are probably coming at me. So how am I going to have a practice so that I can continue to be grateful and concerned for the welfare of others when my body's being ripped to shreds? Well, it's going to be hard, right? So I'd better practice pretty sincerely now. I'm pretty sure that kind of stuff's coming to me.

[57:34]

Something already, yeah. Why do you think that all this is coming to you? Is that a very negative viewpoint? Well, I'm not going to tell you all the bad things I've done this lifetime. I'm not going to tell you, but I know I've done some bad stuff already that I know about. If I've done these bad things, first of all, here I am, born a human, and I have very good karma. I have been healthy, and so on, okay? And even though I had been very healthy in this life and had tremendous opportunities, people have been very nice to me. Very nice to me. People have also attacked me quite a bit. But a lot of people have been really nice to me. Like today, you people have been really nice to me and I appreciate it. Thank you. Really nice. I've had a great day. You've been very kind to me. And a lot of other people have been too. I have really good karma. I believe that's the result of my good actions. Is that negative? Wait a second, is that negative? Now, I have seen myself, and nobody's punished me for it, really, too much.

[58:36]

I've got some punishment, but I have done a lot of stuff that I haven't got punished for in this lifetime. I've seen other people do a lot of really good things. I've watched them. I've lived in the presence of virtuous people who are more virtuous than me. I've seen that. Is that negative? No. I have done bad things, and I think that I'm going to get in trouble for these bad things. That's not negative, that's the law. Well, can't you, by living a virtuous life and recognizing the fact that this has happened before, You have to be exonerated. I mean, I don't want to sin. I don't want to sin. I am forgiven. I am forgiven, definitely. And I get forgiven for confessing the things I've done. I get forgiven and purified. But exonerated is going a little far. Okay? But I get forgiven, I get purified. So in my purified state, I'm a pure, relieved, ready-to-die guy. Okay? So now here comes the stuff.

[59:36]

Here it comes. Pow. Okay? I find that hard to accept. But what I can do is I can handle it well. But to like, what do you call it, to have it not take effect, it doesn't not take effect. It does take effect. But here's a story which I told before. One person, this is like in the Buddhist scriptures, it's almost like two, you know what I call it, simplistic to be, it must be a metaphor, but anyway, here's the metaphor. There were two people. One person in this lifetime did all good, never did any bad. The other did all bad, never did any good. Okay? Okay? As the one who did all good and life was ending, he saw the manifestation or the appearance before, in his mind, he saw his next birth. And coming up to him, it was going to be an infernal realm of torment. So then he looked at that and he said, whoa, I didn't, gee, this is kind of surprising.

[60:44]

I've been good my whole life and now this is happening? well, I know how this works, although I was good in my whole life, I must have done something in the past to cause this. And he also said, but I do believe in the law of cause and effect, and I also, even though I'm getting in this hell now, I'm still really glad, and I feel overjoyed at all the good I did. And the manifestation disappeared and a heavenly birth appeared before him. But still, that manifestation was the appearance. The result was that hell manifested before him. That is a result. But that's all it was, just that. That's the extent of the manifestation. Now, that manifestation, you may say, well, that's just a kind of temporary thing. Well, yeah, they're all temporary. But when hell manifests, if you respond to it by, well, this is kind of a surprise, but it must be because of that. And also, I'm still happy that I did good. I don't regret all the good I did now that I'm getting hell.

[61:45]

Then that manifestation happens, and then the good started to come in. Which also manifests. The good also manifests. That doesn't stop either. It isn't like only the bad manifests, but the good poops out. No, they both definitely manifest. Then the man who did bad all the time, when he came to the time of dying, heaven manifested. And he said, I don't deserve this from what I know about myself, but, well, I guess that's the way it's happening. He wasn't even grateful. He just said, and he thought, well, I guess the law of cause and effect is a bunch of bunk because I did bad things all my life, and look, here's heaven. So then the heaven thing, which did manifest, he got a little little preview of heaven and it just dribbled away and hell manifested. Which was partly the result of his continued disbelief and cause and effect after doing all that bad. But you don't get exonerated.

[62:48]

The stuff does manifest, but the way you deal with it sometimes lets it manifest and then go away. Other times it manifests and then you play your cards a certain way and it manifests again and again and again and it gets blown up and gets more and more substantial and so on. So, confession is purifying. And when you confess, you know you've got trouble coming and so you're ready for the trouble when it does come. Now, I postpone your question. Sorry. Well, I don't know how relevant it is right now, but what I was wondering about is if you ignore your anxiety, does it increase? Fortunately, often, yes. So that... But it depends on how you ignore it.

[63:49]

Some ways of ignoring it are so effective that, you know, you may die before it comes back strong enough for you to notice it. But generally speaking, when an anxiety knocks, if you ignore it, it will come back a little stronger. So... Or drive you into fear. And then the fear will get stronger and you'll do terrible things. There are forces in our life that are pushing us to wake up And anxiety is one of them. What I was also wondering about is what I call pathological anxiety. Yeah, I'll talk about that later, but go ahead. Well, it seems that there are different kinds of anxiety. Yes. The anxiety that you're talking about seems to be different from... The kind of anxiety I've been talking about so far is the human condition. And there are neurotic or pathological anxieties too, which are different.

[64:49]

These anxieties are due simply to having self-existence in relationship to non-being. Other kinds of anxieties develop out of inconsistencies or conflicts in the personality. Unresolved conflicting elements in the personality. So, But you'll talk at some point about how it... Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I'd like to do now is I'd like to end this afternoon with meditation, if that's okay. Could we... Too late because it's endo, so could we...

[65:29]

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