that although an old man is a paltry thing, a tattered coat on a stick, unless his hands and sings. So I've come to clap my hand and sing with a self-fulfilling samadhi. for the self-enjoyment of samadhi. Part of singing the prayer and clapping my hands for the samadhi of all the Buddhas is also to mention another samadhi, the samadhi of sentient beings, which is called the self-unenjoying samadhi. the samadhi of the unfulfilled self. So we've got to recognize that one too.

[01:04]

That's part of the... That's one of our songs. Oh poor me, I'm not fully realized. So I asked somebody, you know, what's the practice? And she said, to be myself. And I said, what's the theory? And she said, rises through the power of conditions. Okay? So, practice is to be the self, and it's based on the theory that the self... Buddha's theory, taught by the Buddha, that everything, all dharmas, arise dependent on conditions and causes.

[02:16]

All things... arise. That's the theory. The practice is to let things be themselves. Which they're going to do anyway. Because they have to, because they depend on conditions which have power over them and make them right into themselves. Don't fight the universe of causes and conditions. join it through the practice of being yourself, of letting phenomena be what they are. And then this person who said, who talked about, you know, the practice is to be myself, then he says, I'm determined to be myself and not let conditions throw me. And I thought, wow. See, that contradicts the theory.

[03:22]

But the funny thing is, is that although we know the theory is that the self is thrown into existence by conditions, once the self is thrown into existence, sometimes we have the gift of being thrown into existence, and then we think we have to hold on to the gift and not let conditions throw the gift. So there's an art to be the self. You have to just be the self without grasping it, because it's a gift. The self is thrown into existence by the power of conditions. And it will be in existence. Those conditions throw it into existence. But they don't keep it in existence for very long. So holding on to it contradicts the gift, ignores the way it came.

[04:32]

If you see the dependent core arising, you see there's no need to grasp it. In fact, it's impossible to grasp it. And when I actually wrote down my memory of this, I wrote, I'm determined to be myself and let conditions throw me. That's what I wrote down. But actually he said, I'm determined to be myself and not let conditions throw me. Or like be myself and then like people come up to you and like start to make you into a new person, right? Like I'm Mr. Nice right now, right? Thank you very much. And now here you come. I'm not going to let you make me not Mr. Nice. Or I'm Mr. Nice and now you come, like that guy. Now you come, he's even nicer than me. Wait a minute, get out of here. You can't be nicer than me. I'm not going to throw me out of my nice guy position. So here I am, I get this nice gift of all conditions coming together and making me a nice guy in a nice place.

[05:37]

And then another condition, which makes me like second best nice guy, and I'm not going to let myself get thrown out of my position of who I am or who I was. No, that's the, that attitude of I'm not going to let myself get thrown is unenjoyment samadhi. So actually the self-enjoyment samadhi is, I'm determined to be myself and let myself be, let conditions throw me. Let conditions throw me into existence, and then let conditions throw another self into existence. You can't believe me?

[06:46]

Now, here comes the conditions. Believe, believe, believe. Don't believe, don't believe, don't believe. So again, it's like... conditions throw the self into existence and then we seem to ignore the self. Maybe we see the self being given and then we kind of turn away. We ignore how it was given. We ignore the gift. And then we grasp. ... so that the womb that gives us birth won't throw us out of existence. But in fact, the womb that gives us birth throws us out of existence.

[07:51]

The conditions that give us birth then change and throw us out of existence. And then other conditions come and another womb comes and makes us born again. And then conditions change and we lose our birth. And then conditions come and we get another birth. And conditions change and we lose our birth. That's what's going on. Gift after gift. Gift of manifesting and de-manifesting. Manifesting, de-manifesting. That's how the self is. And that's how all phenomena are. Death? Yeah. Right. Lose your birth, you get death. When you lose, you get death by the conditions for your birth going away. So that's the nice thing about being an old man. Your conditions for your birth are going away. So in... Demonstrating what it is to be alive, you're not so good at it anymore.

[09:05]

And if you're lucky, you've got a grandson to show him what it is to be alive. three hours three hours of non-stop in the beach couple days ago he went to the beach and it was a warm day in San Francisco and since he's been born he's never had you know no diapers on for three hours and now he got to have no diapers on for three hours at the beach Total unobstructed bliss. Rolling in the sand. Water, you know, a little creek running down from the hills into the ocean, which is too cold. The water in the creek and the sun was just the right temperature and about two inches deep. Everything perfect.

[10:08]

Total support. Total bliss. And then the conditions were over. I mean, you know, he went right through his nap time, totally, totally wigging out. And then over, total hysteria. Total lost it. Totally screamed. And then totally out. This is what a little guy can do. This is what you can be. When you're old, somehow, it's hard to go three hours without your diapers on. Huh? They won't let me go without diapers for three hours. Oh, come on, put your diapers back on, Red. You don't want us to have to pick up a mess now here, do you? Shoho didn't know what diapers were, huh? She guessed.

[11:11]

So the self-fulfillment samadhi or the self-enjoyment samadhi is the awareness of conditions throwing the self into existence. The awareness of the Buddhas is witnessing how the self is given to existence. The awareness of the Buddhas is of how the self is given to existence. The awareness of the Buddhas is witnessing how the self comes to be, how the self is a dependent co-arising, how the self dependently co-arises. This is what the Buddhas do all the time. And seeing how the self comes to be, you also see how the other comes to be. The self is a gift, the other is a gift. So it's the witnessing of the self as grace, as a manifestation of grace.

[12:18]

Witnessing the self as a gift of conditions. Witnessing the self as a gift of the universe. Witnessing the universe as giving the self. Every moment the universe gives you yourself and takes it away in just a flash and gives another self. This is the awareness. This is the self-enjoyment awareness. Now ignoring this dynamic situation is suffering. Ignoring this gift is suffering. is a samadhi of phenomena not enjoyed. And by the way, and then, that's the first part of the self-enjoyment samadhi is witnessing of the self as a gift.

[13:23]

Another part of the self-enjoyment samadhi is also awareness of how the self, once given, functions, has a business, engages, is used, is employed. Once it's given, so you watch the gift, and you watch how the gift is used, and you watch how the gift is taken away, and you watch how another one comes and how it's used. This awareness of the receiving and using of the self, or the receiving of phenomena, the receiving of objects, objects are And now objects are given, but objects are given and subjects are given. Objects are given and the consciousness which pays attention to it is given. Every moment you get an object and a subject. Every moment you get an object and a subject. Every moment you get a self and another. And they have a function. And then they change. And you get another object and another subject. Sentient beings ignore this and suffer. Buddhas witness it and they're happy and they want to encourage others

[14:31]

to look at this drama of the dependent core rising up in subjects. And again, just to mention here that the logic of renunciation is connected to this, is based on this, because the logic of renunciation is based on understanding that is a gift. Renunciation is based on gratitude, not on stinginess. Because you're grateful for everything you have, you pass it along, you share it, you let go of it. Then you get more to give away. To hold anything, like the self, stops this flow. So that's pretty much it, I think.

[15:46]

And then again, there's the art of witnessing the and then staying relaxed enough not to flinch and grasp it. It's possible maybe to be open to how conditions are coming together to produce what's happening. the self, and then to flinch out of habit and grasp this gift. To turn away, you start to see the light of the pentacle arising and then you just sort of can't stand it. Got to make it into something and break the process. Right when you're like just getting into it. Right when we're just getting into it. A reflex from enlightenment. Ignoring the process of giving So that's why I was also saying, you know, looking at the self-receiving or the self-giving, to witness that, if you're not relaxed and at ease in that process of this great gift, you can flinch and then cause a kind of a break between the giving and the employment.

[17:11]

So you say, oh God, now we've got the self, we've got a phenomenon, now you bring the self back in, an ungiven self, an a priori self, bring the self back in, and then between the reception, so the reception, thank you, I got it, and then there's a break before the function, and then that again causes disruption and pain. Whereas it can relax with the gift and see that the function is simultaneous. And you can't get the self, you can't get any self or grasping into the process so it isn't disturbed. So again, that's why there has to be this sense of gratitude throughout the whole process and that everything is a gift. Because everything is a gift because everything comes by, not comes from me, but comes from the other. So how can we, in a relaxed way, stay aware of how everything is a gift?

[18:20]

If you can somehow tune into that dimension, maybe that samadhi can go right through when gifts are painful gifts, when what is being given is a painful thing. when what is being given is also away. Because conditions are now different. And that you can enjoy then, somehow enjoy both the coming and the going. and I told this story before, but I was sitting by Kadagiri Roshi as he was dying, and his wife was sitting next to me, and she sort of whispered to me that, you know, they just had a grandson, like, I think they had a grandson in January, and I think he died on like a March 1st or something.

[19:26]

I said, they just had this grandson before he died, or while he was dying. And she said that she watched the grandson be born, and now she's watching her husband die. And she could see that both the grandson and her husband were having a very challenging experience. Both were having a hard time. The transition to be born and the transition to die are both difficult to stay present with. But watching these two having a hard time, We don't know who's having a harder time. It's hard to have a bodhisattva that's so available for interviews that they can tell us what it's like to be born and what it's like to die and tell us maybe that they're basically the same, maybe they would say. And they might say, guess what? It's harder. And they might say, no, actually, that's harder. But anyway, they probably would say, well, they're both hard. Transitions are hard, are challenging.

[20:31]

Challenging what? Challenging to stay present. But when we look at it, when we see the grandson come, we feel good because when we see the husband go, the wife go, or the baby go, we feel bad because we're losing something. But what's coming and going is having a hard time in both cases. Hard in the sense that it's very intense and very specific and, you know, very determined. are really coming into being just what they are and this is what is happening and you gotta like stay with it and in order to stay with it you gotta be relaxed it's hard because it's so intense that's why we need to you know mind so that we can enter into this intense process and but not be too intense about it otherwise we get pooped out and have big breaks in our awareness She's talking about Mio left, Mio left last night, and her question is about choice.

[22:10]

He left because George Gajewski is dying up in San Francisco, and he felt like he needed to see George. And Galen's question is about choice. Yes. Right. Yeah, how does the choice happen? So watch and see how it happens. I also know George pretty well, and George asked me to do his funeral ceremony. So I think George would like me to come and see him too. But I called George yesterday and said, you know, I said, I don't know what I said, but I wrote him a letter, and in the letter I said, you know, I actually am thinking about you an awful lot right now. You know, every few seconds I think of him, actually.

[23:16]

He's woven in among all you these days. But I said, I'm going to stay at Tassajara and finish the practice period. I mean, I think I am. That's my intention. And Mio felt like it wouldn't work for him not to see George in the practice period. Somehow he didn't feel like it would work. And also I think he felt like he had to make sure that George was being cared for. So he felt like he had to make sure. Because he heard rumors that made him feel like maybe not. So maybe if he goes there and finds that things are pretty good, he might come right back. But if he finds that they're not good, he might stay. ...there and then he watches the causes and conditions come together. I don't know what he does, but maybe he goes there and watches the causes and conditions come together to make it seem, and maybe it seems like, this is a pretty good situation. George may or may not agree, but, you know, I think it's a pretty good situation.

[24:18]

Me being here is... ...you know... ...better, necessarily... The whole situation of Tassajar and George might not be better for me to be in San Francisco rather than back in Tassajar. He might be able to see that. So that gift might come of that vision of what is happening. So the decision is also given. That's why I suggest to you people to remember that it is March 22nd. And don't miss March 22nd, because this is what's being given to you. You'll actually be given March 22nd. By watching each thing come, you're in the best position to see when the next decision comes. The decision is also given to you by causes and conditions. We do not have the power to make our own decisions. But decisions do come, and they come to us by the gift of causes and conditions.

[25:31]

If we can see that, then we enjoy the coming of the... If we can see the gift of the decisions, we enjoy having a self which is given condition. If we think that we have to make the decisions, then we suffer. And I've said this over and over again. The most painful thing that people bring to me is the situation of them thinking and perceiving that they have to make the decision by their own power, or that there's a decision out there that's other than them. This is the most painful situation. And I usually tell people over and over, do not let go of that. Do not try to figure out what to do. You're doing a math problem. I said, let go of that. Do not try to figure out what you should do. It's painful not to be able to see what you should do, but you have to wait and have it revealed to you.

[26:36]

It's a revelation. Spending too much time in discursive thought, you miss the gift of the decision. It comes right by you and you might miss it. And then if you make a decision based on discursive thinking, you're You're letting, you know, your discursive thinking is not my discursive thinking and yet I'm contributing to all your decisions. Let go of your discursive thinking. Your discursive thinking and my discursive thinking and everybody's discursive thinking and all of our non-thinking and everything else has come together in some pattern to give you a decision. So, in his case, in Mio's case, it looked, I don't know, I didn't hear, like, his decision to go was pretty close to being seen as a gift. I mean, it seemed like it just came upon him, the conditions fell into place, certain information came, and then there was just this feeling like he had to go. Like, yes? Yeah, and we gave him away, and George said to me, thank you for allowing him to go.

[27:46]

And when he said that, I said to myself, not out loud, you're welcome. I said out loud, you're welcome, but then I also said to him inside, I said, and that's part of the reason why I don't have to go, is he's going. Because if he didn't go, maybe I should go. Or all of us should go, yeah. I think if all of us, all of us going might be fine. But probably stay. I don't know, George, I don't want to go. So, anyway, the situation he's in, he's an old man. He's young, quite a bit younger than me, but he's an old man. It's getting not to be much fun anymore. It's really no fun. It's like... So it's, you know, unless things get much more interesting, he's probably, his body's probably not going to like, the conditions aren't going to be there for him.

[29:01]

And we're all real close to that, actually. That decision will come about when we have enough of this. But it'll be a gift. I hope you don't miss it. And then you can let go, right, while you're receiving the gift. The gift of death. The gift of the conditions for life. Faith in trust. Faith in what? Faith that you receive the decision, yeah.

[30:09]

So it would be trusting Buddha's teaching of dependent co-arising. that decision, the phenomenon of decision, is something that doesn't depend on the decision. Over there, the decision doesn't make the decision, and I don't make the decision. Faith that that's ignorance. Faith that that's misery. Now, it doesn't actually take that long for people to go from faith to understanding that that's misery. As though you didn't understand that. Faith in dependent co-arising takes quite a while to verify for most people. In other words, to actually be able to understand and see how things dependently co-arise, that takes quite a bit of time. And if you don't think it's interesting to study things, you might not realize it. Sometimes people, again, are even given the gift, I shouldn't say not sometimes, always were given the gift of understanding dependent co-arising.

[31:15]

It's also a gift. But anyway, understanding how decisions are made, to see how they're a gift, that may take quite a bit of work. In the meantime, if you trust the teaching that all things are given, that you trust. But you also might trust that not ignoring how things are given, you might trust also that that is suffering. So seeing how things are given is liberation, and not seeing how things are given is suffering and bondage. Those are two things you might believe. I think a little easier to verify that not seeing how things are given is suffering. You could realize that quite a while ahead of when you realize that seeing that things are given is release. In other words, you could see, I think most of you could see, that thinking that I have the power to make my decisions is suffering.

[32:21]

A lot of people can see that because they come and say, I think I'm supposed to make this decision and I'm totally miserable. And they can see that part of the reason why they're miserable is because they think they have the power to make the decision. And if you're in charge of the decision, if you've got the decision as the wrong decision, then you, who have the power to make, who you have the power to make the decision, then you use your power wrongly, so you're in big trouble. People are afraid to even open to that. People are, I think, are open to, they're not so afraid to open to how it is that thinking that I have the power to make decisions is very painful. That a lot of people are willing to notice, but they're afraid to let go of the idea that they have the power, even though they might relieve them from the suffering around that decision, because they think that they'll be immoral or irresponsible. But that doesn't follow.

[33:30]

You can be responsible without thinking that you are in control of the situation. Whether you're in control or not, you're responsible. So the thing you do is you practice renunciation, which means you do whatever good things there are to be done. with no sense of gain, and with no limits to your responsibility. You have no limits to your responsibility. But you being responsible does not mean you're in control. You are responsible for everything, and you're not in control of anything. But the idea that I have the power to make my decisions is more the idea that I have control. And then I don't have control over some other things, like your decisions. What I'm recommending is you recognize that the idea that you're in control over some things is delusion and suffering.

[34:39]

The idea that you're not in control of other things, if it's not in the context of you are in control of something, it's true. and it won't be a problem to you. But the idea that you're not responsible for something, that's connected to the . So be responsible for everything and realize that no dharmas come by your power. However, you're part of the causes and conditions for it, but you're not in charge. So again, I think a lot of people have realized that the idea that they have the power to make decisions on their own, people with things like that can realize that they're miserable, and they're miserable particularly when they're thinking those thoughts around a particular decision. So you can realize the negative side of the teaching, I think, sooner than the positive side.

[35:43]

Does that make any sense? In other words, you can realize the first noble truth may be ahead of the third. In other words, you can understand that these situations are suffering before you can understand that there's liberation from suffering. So the teaching is, if you don't understand dependent core rising, you're going to be miserable. So I think a lot of you can see that. When you don't see dependent core rising, I think you can see how unhappy you are. But you don't know for sure yet, maybe, that if you could see dependent core arising, you would be released from suffering. You don't maybe know that yet. That takes a little work called the practice, which, again, you're not in control of. But the practice is there, right under your nose, right now. If you wake up to the practice, then there's realization. So then in the midst of this, decisions happen still.

[36:48]

And you're responsible for your decisions. And you're responsible for my decision. You're responsible for my decision. I would say, try that meditation. Rather than you're responsible for yours because you have power over your decisions, which you don't. I don't have a power over your decisions either, but I'm one of the conditions for your decisions. If I'm sick, lying on the road, that's a condition for your decisions. You may not help me, but I'm a condition. And you cannot decide to help me unless I'm sick. Or not sick. I'm responsible for your decisions. I'm responsible for my decisions. ...control of my decisions or your decisions. I do not have the power to make decisions, and the decisions do not have power to make themselves. But decisions happen, and I happen, as a gift, moment by moment.

[37:56]

If I don't see that, I'm unhappy. I see other people who don't see it, they tell me they're unhappy. The people who do see it, are happy sometimes people see this and come and tell me they're happy when they tell me and at the time they tell me they don't feel irresponsible they don't think that they're irresponsible they don't think they're not responsible they feel in their happiness they're more willing to be more widely responsible when you're miserable you draw in and tighten up about what you're going to be responsible for. I've got enough problems. I'm not going to be responsible for those two. You say, yeah, I'd be willing to consider that I'm responsible for what's going on there. Not that I'm unilaterally empowered of that situation, but I'm contributing to it. I'm one of the conditions of this universe for that. Well, for example, you're suffering.

[39:17]

Okay? If I feel you're suffering, then I might not look away from you. Does that make sense? If I don't feel any responsibility for you and your suffering, I might feel, well, for suffering I have no... If I like you, I might care about you. But if I didn't particularly like you, responsible for your suffering, I still might attend to you. So responsibility means I take care of people who I like and I don't like. And also I feel some responsibility for liking and disliking people. But I don't feel in control of liking and disliking. I don't. I'm powerless. Some people I can't... I mean, I cannot help liking my grandson. Sorry. And some other people I can't help liking. Some other people I can't help disliking. But if I feel responsible for everybody, I can be...

[40:19]

to the people I dislike who I'm not in control over my like my disliking but I'm responsible for my disliking and I'm responsible for my liking I'm responsible for whatever's happening and if my liking switches to disliking I'm equally responsible for now the new thing so if I feel responsible example responsible for your happiness responsible for your unhappiness Then when I see that you're happy, I feel responsible, so I'm happy with your happiness. But I don't think I control your happiness. So I don't feel possessive of your happiness. So if you stop being happy, I do not get angry at you for wrecking the happiness which I gave you and made you have. So you can go like from being happy, Anka, to being depressed, Anka, and I don't punish you for going away from what made me happy because I was in control of you.

[41:28]

But if I'm responsible for you and you're happy, I'm in joy when you're happy, and when you're unhappy and I'm responsible for your unhappiness, do I enjoy your unhappiness? Not really, not really, no. But I enjoy the continuity of my relationship with you, that I'm responsible for whatever you're going through, and I enjoy that I'm not trying to control you as much as I can. So I let you go from someone who's this way to someone who's that way, because I know I have no control over it. But I'm responsible in both cases, so I attend to both situations. almost equally, I guess, if I really feel responsible. I don't know if that made any sense. There's a little cluster of hands over there.

[42:29]

So it's Owl and Jane and Eleanor. He said, can you say then that there's no such thing as free will because what looks like free will is a dependent co-arising? Okay, it isn't that I, no, not quite. But when you say, would you say there is no such thing as X, then I would say that there is no such thing as an X which exists on its own independent of conditions. I would say that. But it's free will. It appears in the world. It's a thing. It's like a flower called free will. It appears. People think of it and they see it. Right?

[43:31]

But it's a dependent co-arising. There's no phenomena that aren't dependent co-arisings. So the phenomena called free will is a dependent co-arising. The phenomena called determinism is a dependent co-arising. Okay? Okay? Determinism or determinate things is a dependent co-arising. Free will is a dependent co-arising. So in both cases you've got something that dependently co-arises. So in both cases you've got something which is dependent and which is not free of causes and conditions. So both situations of free will and determination are opportunities for realization of freedoms. So no matter what the X is, no matter what the phenomena is, it's a dependent core arising. So it's not existing out there on its own. So free will depends on things. So you can't, so, you know, I guess you could say, well, do rocks have free will? Say, well, yes. Okay, fine. Well, then if rocks have free will, the free will of rocks depends on rocks.

[44:36]

The people have free will? Yes, they do. Well, the free will depends on people. So the free will is not independent of the condition of a person. So it's not really like totally free. It's dependent. It's dependent on the condition of people. Human free will is dependent on the human situation. Is that something independent? No, it depends on various conditions of humanness. Even if you would attribute free will to rocks, which would be fine. We could have such a thing, maybe. And part of the reason why we know we can have such a thing, because it is possible that there could be the dependent co-arising of a free will of a rock. Because that's what makes it possible. Anything could happen if you get the right conditions ready. Because we're made of sustained stuff that rocks is made of. With some other stuff added in, you know. So you just turn the dials and make the causes and conditions and you can create anything that can happen in the universe.

[45:39]

Right. To balance between... There is the phenomena called making a decision to practice. Such a phenomena arises and seems to be a nice phenomena. So that seems to be the case. And sometimes people even recommend this decision. And the recommendation of the system is part of the causes and conditions for the decision arising... So then you start to see, well, the decision happened, but it depended on somebody recommending it. And it depended on somebody hearing the recommendation. So the decision was made, but again, making a decision to practice, such a phenomena arises and seems to be a nice phenomena. So that seems to be the case. And sometimes people even recommend this decision you know, and the recommendation system is part of the causes and conditions of co-arising.

[47:01]

So then you start to see, well, the decision happened, but it depended on somebody recommending it. And it depended on somebody hearing the recommendation. So the decision was made, but again, it was a dependent co-arising. And sometimes a dependent co-arising of deciding to practice philosophy. But sometimes... Although the decision, the pinnacle arising of the decision to practice doesn't happen, sometimes the person seems to be practicing and nobody noticed the decision and yet they're doing it. I mean, you see, the practice seems to be practicing and nobody saw, the person themselves and the observers didn't see them make the decision and yet someone said, well, the decision must have been made because in fact they're practicing. Well, you know, I don't know about that. It's subtle. She said, the way I'm using the word responsibility, what I say is the ability to respond without... I think

[48:23]

non-grasping makes possible seeing the ability to respond to all situations if I meet you and I'm not grasping you or seeking anything I see that I have a possibility to respond to you in other words when there's no grasping and seeking you have no hindrance to relate to people You have no way to, like, keep yourself... They may still seem to be out there, separate from you, but because you're not grasping and seeking, you're not caught by that. And you can... It's as though their life is your life. And everything that they do, like, is almost as important to you as everything is the things you do. And everything that happens to you is as important to you as what happens to you. Because if there's no grasping and seeking, so then... So you do feel you're not afraid to be responsible for everything about their life.

[49:31]

Now there's some limits, you know, like people, and there's some limits that seem to crop up. But part of the wonderful can happen in this world is the practice. And the practice is that sometimes it's possible for you to go and wash somebody's feet or change somebody's diapers. Or if not change their diapers, at least wipe their fanny. Because you don't feel like, well, that's your job. Not mine. You might feel like, well, that's your job, not mine. But that doesn't mean it's not my responsibility that you do your job. So if you ask me to wipe your fanny, I might say, well, you know, really, I think you should do it. But it's not because I don't feel responsible for you wiping your fanny. I want you to wipe your fanny. I want to make sure you do. I don't care that much about whether it's wiped, but I want you to do your job. Because I know you'll feel good if you do your job. And if you say, really, I don't want it wiped. And I say, okay, then I'll help you not wipe it. But not, you know, and one of the ways I'll help you not wipe it is maybe I'll come and wipe it.

[50:36]

So it's kind of like, this is all about like being intimate with people. This is all about like responsibilities about, this responsibility for everybody is about being intimate. But like I said to somebody today, My daughter, now my daughter's like taking care of her baby, and she's not asking me to do it. She's doing it. As a matter of fact, sometimes she asks me to do it, but it's from the point of view of she's taking care of her baby, and she's trying to get me to do something. It's not like she's like trying to get me to do her job. She's in charge of taking care of this baby, and part of her job is to get the grandfather to do certain things. But when she asked me to do her job, when she was a little girl, I wouldn't do it. But not because I didn't want to be intimate with her, but I didn't want to take away from her, her function. So you have to look and see, are you shrinking away from intimacy? Are you afraid to put your hand in somebody's butt?

[51:43]

Are you afraid if somebody can't get the shit to come out their butt, are you afraid to stick your hand up there and pull the shit out? If they can't do it, is that like no problem for you? And if it is a problem, well, where's the... You know, where's the... Like, gripping some limit to your responsibility there? Is there some kind of like... Well, I... You know, it's not that I don't feel responsible, but I just don't want to get involved in that. Well, yeah, I can understand how you wouldn't want to get involved in that, but if you feel... person and responsible and they need your help, then can't you just go in there and do it? Maybe you can. I was very lucky because when I was a little kid, you know, maybe I told you this many times, but At my house, whenever everybody vomited, I cleaned it up.

[52:44]

And partly because I somehow, it didn't bother me. Other people's vomit didn't bother me that much. But my mother couldn't clean up other people's vomit without vomiting herself. And she couldn't clean her own up without vomiting herself. When she vomited, I cleaned up after her. And when my little brother and sister vomited, I cleaned up after them. It didn't bother me that much. And then when I was a In college, I was an orderly. And, you know, I did stick my hand up people's rectums and pull shit out. And, you know, it wasn't... And I wore little gloves, you know, and put some kind of, like, A&D weight on or something like that, so it didn't hurt them much either. These were paralyzed people whose, you know, their muscles didn't work, so they couldn't get the stuff to come out. So the first time was kind of like But, you know, after a while, it was like, it was even washing, for me, even washing their bodies at first was kind of like, well, here I am washing this man's body, you know.

[53:53]

It was at first a little bit like, well, this is different, you know, this is like getting rid of... But after a while, washing their body and helping them shit... was actually a lot easier than like talking to them about stuff which is really a waste of time. I mean, it was very straightforward. They just, you know, that's what responsibility, I wasn't in control of the bath or in control of anything. I was just in there, you know? So this is very helpful for me now that I had that training. So now I'm not squeamish about people's stuff. It's not, you know... I'm willing to get in there with beings, into the stuff. I think it's sometimes good if they need help. But there's no limit to responsibility.

[54:57]

I mean, there's no limit to responsibility. No limit. There's no limit to the responsibility. But it doesn't mean you do any old thing. You just do what's appropriate to the condition. So you wait to see, does this person need help wiping their butt or not? If they don't, leave them go. So it's not clear to me that I should go see George. lives till at least april 5th so i can go see him i'd like to see him i want to see him but you know i really enjoyed talking to him on the phone yesterday i was i felt i was like i had that phone like right up to my ear and i really wanted to hear him the computer was going you know and stuff and you know brian was being kind of quiet and uh theater was going it was kind of hard it pushed really hard you know i tried to hear and hear his but i could hear him you know and it was he was nice and he was fine it was his deal with george you know regular george and we're talking about like death and we're talking about what kind of funeral do you want we're talking about you know what are you doing to yourself now about how how he's trying to do this do his best here with the situation i was right there i was fine okay yes

[56:11]

Does the practice of awareness take care of being responsible? If there was this self-fulfilling samadhi, if there was the witnessing of all dharma and realizing themselves, which just happens to include me, because I'm part of all dharmas, if there was the witnessing of this, responsibility naturally is there. Because, I mean, you know, you see how everything is giving you your body. So you're naturally intimate with all things. And there's no limit to what you'll do for what gives you life. So that's why the awareness is working towards that, because it's much easier when you have the awareness. Before the awareness, you need to train your attention towards such a way of being.

[57:23]

And one of the ways to do it, for example, is to practice everything you think is virtuous without gaining idea. without some expectation of gain, do good. It's like it would be if you were doing good and seeing that your ability to do good was given to you. So you wouldn't hold it as like, I'm doing good to get this. It's more like, I'm receiving the gift of being able to practice. I'm being given the gift of being able to do this sashin. So every moment of sashin could be quite enjoyable if you realize every moment of sashin all dharmas are coming forth and giving you being there, giving your experience, giving your selfhood on the cushion. Every moment is a moment of gratitude and then there's renunciation.

[58:26]

And one of the things you renounce is What's your responsible? Limits of your responsibility. Well, when people do non-virtuous things, they don't necessarily expect to gain something from it. The non-virtue is enough fun in itself. So when people eat cookies, they don't necessarily expect to clear up their complexion or build more protein, muscle mass, or have a clearer mind, unless they're starving. But usually when people eat too many cookies, they feel that just the pleasure of eating the cookies and the distraction from their suffering is enough. Actually, I think they are probably trying to call it distraction from what's happening by eating the cookies. But to do wholesome things, you often get into what you're going to get out of it, because wholesome things often don't get you immediate gratification, potentially.

[59:36]

Like following the schedule, you don't necessarily feel really good right away. But to follow the schedule, because as an act of generosity to the other people who are struggling to follow the schedule, to support them, to encourage them, with that spirit to make that a gift to make your following the schedule a gift to everybody else in the universe and to do that practice that virtue of giving with no expectation of gain that's what it would be like if you saw that you were being given the body which is practicing and you're given the self which is in the monastery that's what it would be like having no limit to your responsibilities you'd be able to see how I and even Stuart are supporting you. And then you'd feel differently about Stuart before you noticed that he was supporting you.

[60:42]

Which is scary, so maybe forget that one. And Stuart also would feel differently when he starts noticing how you notice that he's helping you. Do you notice how he changed? His cheeks did not turn white. Do you understand completely? Just say yes before you think about it much longer. Yes. You remember the way you remember it. The way you remember it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[61:54]

the second and the third and the fourth. If you can see the first truth but can't see the second, you're still stuck in the first. If you can see the first and the second, in the second you can see the third. It's hard to go from the... So, for example, you see your suffering and then you see that the origins of your suffering are that you're trying to control people. So quite a few people can see that trying to control people is suffering. So, like, to give an example, Catherine? So the example that comes to my mind is, I had this dog, right? This female dog, and she came into heat, and I did not want to have a female dog and her puppies in my house. I did not want to have to take care of whatever number of puppies.

[63:04]

I was trying to control my dog. So I did. I tried to control my dog. So while she was in heat, I tried to keep her in the house, or when she went out, I went with her. But she wanted to go out all the time. She knew somebody was out there waiting for her. And actually, there was this gang of guys out there almost all the time, just outside the house, waiting for her, day and night. They could smell her. And she was like wanting to go out there and have babies. And I did not want, so I was trying to control her. This was not a happy scene for me. To try to control this my dear little dog, you know. Matter of fact, I started to not like my dog too much for being such a sex fiend. Even though, you know, you could also appreciate her, I suppose, if you weren't trying to control her. Kind of like, isn't this amazing? Nature right in my kitchen. The power of nature in my life, you know, like just taking over my little kitchen, taking over my back door and the stairway and the backyard.

[64:06]

It's just like nature. It was springtime, too. But me trying to control it made me unhappy. And it kind of made her unhappy, too. It was a tense situation. And then one day she got up and she went, ripped down those stairs. And there was these guys waiting for her. And then... since she had gotten away, and I kind of like, then I thought of giving up. Okay. But then I noticed there was a variety of choices for my, you know, for my son-in-law. So then I tried to control which one she would choose. This is, again, not happy. Feeling not good trying to like pick and there was like this one gorgeous big and then there was one little kind of runty spotty thing you know but the little spotty thing was quick like Rozzy and I think the big white guy was kind of thinking like I'm so gorgeous she can come to me anyway the little guy was quick and he what do you say he scored

[65:25]

And I didn't like her choice, so I told her to come in. Come in the house. Forget that guy. I don't want this guy to be your co-parent. Come in. She followed my command. I was in control. But what happened as a result of my control was a very ugly scene. Because, as you may know, once dogs lock, there's a thing that's kind of a safety catch that happens on the male. This lodge. You know about that? The end swells up so that you can't pull them apart once they get in. So you can't actually pull them apart until that swelling pops. So here comes my dog dragging. this little spotted guy up the stairs so you know this is like this is what control leads to very ugly very ugly situations so i said so i could see you know in this case i could see control i am in control it's very ugly and i gave up i said i'll go ahead but that's example of

[66:49]

You can see how stupid it is to try to control life sometimes. We don't always see it, but sometimes we do. But that's a few steps down from seeing how my dog and her heat and the little guy, to see all that as a gift and to feel oh so grateful. That's a different situation. That's one step further from seeing how ugly it is to try to control. So next part of the story. So she gets pregnant with this situation. She gets pregnant, and she doesn't want to go outside anymore. She's done. And she gets pregnant, and then she starts getting close. It looks like she's getting big, and it looks like the back end of her, it looks like things want to come out now because things are getting very... you know, oozy, lots of red fluids coming up the back end of the doggy.

[67:51]

And the back end's getting very big. So it's time for the babies to come, you can see. And again, I wanted her to have her baby, not mine. She used to sleep, I think, she used to sleep in my bed before she got pregnant. But then after that, she had her own bed where she could like bleed all over everything. And she could have her puppies there too. So when she came over to get in my bed, I just kept saying, go back to your bed. So she most of the time, so she mostly hung out in her bed when she was lying down. And then one day, I came home, and then she was up in my bed. And I could see, you know, she's not, she's two. She's up ahead of the bed. and lying on the bed behind my pillows. But I could see there was blood all over my pillows. So I said, get out.

[68:53]

Go in your bed. So she did. And I went over to clean up the mess and found all these puppies. And so then I said, oh. Lara, you can come back. And I let her have the bed. So in this case, there was a flash, you know, of seeing how ugly it was for me to try to control her and how ugly it was not to see, you know, the beauty of the situation. And also, there was a point where what really turned me was to see the gift of my dog, that she would leave her puppies. by my instruction. And then I saw it went from control to gift. It shifted. And then I felt this great gift, which I still feel to this day, the gift of the situation. But there was all this ugly control leading up to it.

[69:55]

And finally you see the gift. So then you realize this dog has come to... This is a bodhisattva coming to show me about life. Coming to show me about receiving life rather than controlling life. And this dog was given to me. And I could see that. But then I resisted continuously seeing her as a gift. I got her, not control her. So how can we keep track of that? And there's responsibility there. So those are some examples of control, responsibility, and deceiving gifts, and the difference in how it feels. Do you have more questions? You're not sure how you see controlling?

[71:06]

Oh. Even control. Right. Exactly. You can, it is possible to simultaneously see that controlling is a source of suffering. And then at the same time you see that controlling is a source of suffering. Controlling means, you know, grasping and craving. You crave something so much that you try to control it, try to control it to go some way. So when you see how controlling is a source of suffering, It is possible to simultaneously witness dependent core arising. That is possible. But it is also possible to only see that control is a source of suffering without seeing that dependent core arising there, without seeing how the suffering is a gift.

[72:28]

So it is, but in fact, in some cases you realize nirvana because you see how samsara works. Samsara is nirvana, but it's also possible to see samsara without deeply seeing how it's working. So you can see to some extent that when there's this condition of grasping, clinging, controlling, that they're suffering, you can see that, but you can't quite necessarily see how more than than this dependency. You still may kind of believe that there's something substantial there. But in fact, it is also possible to see that there is nothing more than this dependency. And then there is a simultaneous realization of nirvana with the understanding of samsara. So then there's not samsara is temporary, dysfunctional, non-functional. So some awareness of samsara and how it works still samsara has the power to go on. Deep awareness of how samsara works is liberation from samsara.

[73:36]

But as I said, nirvana is the correct understanding of samsara. So it's not like samsara is destroyed by nirvana. It's just that nirvana is realized upon samsara. Birth and death is the basis for we're realizing the world of no birth and death. But it's possible to see the world of birth and death to some extent, but not deeply enough, so that you understand that this birth and this death are not birth and death. You can see birth and death, but still have some seeking. You still have some clinging. And that makes it hard for you to see the complement of what you see. Even though you see, I can see my grasping is causing me pain. I can see that I'm tense and that's causing me pain. And yet I haven't yet relaxed around my grasping.

[74:43]

And therefore, I can't fully see my grasping, fully understand how my grasping is. you know, a key ingredient, a key condition for the independent core rising. But when you do understand, there will be the simultaneous understanding of all four truths. But it's possible to understand the first two quite a bit without understanding the second two. But the deep understanding of the first two is the realization of the second two. A deep understanding of form is emptiness. But it's possible to have considerable understanding of form without yet realizing emptiness. Did you have your hand raised? Yeah, I did. Talk to you later. No, I wasn't following you last week, but I'm still back. Did you have your hand raised? No, I didn't.

[75:45]

Yeah. Yeah. Do you mean you thought I was trying to control her? No, I just told her to say yes. I'll say it to you. Say yes. Yeah, it's the same. What? You can say anything you want. Who can say anything? You can tell me to say yes. Yeah, she didn't have to say yes. I wasn't trying to get her to say yes. But you would have loved her if she had said yes or no. Yeah, definitely. Matter of fact, I would have loved her much more if she said no. No, I just wanted to give her a chance to try something different than what she was doing there.

[76:56]

She seemed to be trying to think her way out of a bag. Were you? Are you doing it again? What are you doing now? Nothing? What is that nothing you're doing? In a very ladylike fashion, I might say. Yes and yes and yes. Yes, yes. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes.

[77:59]

Yeah. Right. If there is... Uh-huh. No, I think you seem to understand it, that if you can, if something, if a phenomena called, well, like, just take the word ugly. The word ugly is kind of ugly, don't you think? It's kind of nice. Ugly. [...] It's kind of an ugly word, don't you think? Kind of ugly. Anyway, when you see the dependent core rising of its ugliness, it's quite lovely. Just like the word fuck is, you know, if you see how the quality of it, in the dependent core arising of fuck, there's something beautiful about that, which I see knocking on the door right now.

[79:02]

So, but the idea of that such and such and such is beautiful, if there was any beauty there, it just got killed. Whatever you think is beautiful... the imposition of your idea of beauty on that thing destroys the beauty, destroys the vision of self, of the dependent core arising. So, the dependent core arising of anything is beautiful. And if it's an evil thing, in the dependent core arising of an evil thing, there is the protection from the evil. because there is the relaxation and the martial adaptation, the martial skill with this dangerous evil thing to handle it well and protect beings. If it's something beneficial or good, it is protected by not being grasped.

[80:08]

So if you grasp evil things, there's harm. If you grasp good things, there's harm. But in seeing the dependent core arising of evil and good, there is a skillful response which protects and promotes the good. So, I think there's a lot to what John Keats said. Beauty is truth. Truth is beauty. Actually, beauty is truth. Truth, beauty. This is all you know on earth, in some It's beauty. It's all you know about truth is beauty. So if you're open to beauty, you're open to dependent core rising. If you're open to dependent core rising, you're open to truth. If you're open to dependent core rising, you're open to beauty. So when you're open to the beauty of the moment, you're probably seeing dependent core rising. If you're seeing dependent core rising, even though you may not call it beauty, that's really what you're looking at.

[81:08]

And when you see beauty, you feel no limit to your responsibility. Which is, again, it's kind of scary. So you want to, like, flinch. Maybe. But maybe you don't. Maybe you can, like, say, stay present with the beauty. Stay present with the dependent core rising. Yes, me, huh? Did you say the kind of responsibility I'm talking about purifies the practice of giving? Pardon? You're asking if it does? Yeah. Do you have something to say about that? Did you see how that was so?

[82:11]

Yes? It's kind of hard for you to see it as a gift? Oh. The responsibility disappears when you see it as a gift? The responsibility disappears when you don't see it as a gift. Uh-huh. The diluted thing is coming at me. Yeah. So it's coming at me is somewhat related to being a gift. But it seems to have the quality of it. In other words, you sort of see it as a gift. You see it's coming to you rather than you made it.

[83:27]

But it's kind of like, yes, it's coming, but I don't want it. I don't want this deluded thinking. So, it's somehow, how can we see what's coming at us as a gift? Because then if we do, then as you say, I think it's more likely that you feel responsible. But responsible doesn't mean like, it's coming at me, it's a gift, and I did it. No, it's coming at me, it's a gift, and I didn't do it by myself, but I'm part of why it happened, because I'm involved. So I would like to take care of this. So like, for example, all the pollution that's in the world, it's coming at us, it's a gift, and we should take care of it. which, you know, now we may feel like, I wish those other people would take care of it, that, you know, but in fact, anyway, I'm part of the creation of it, so I'm willing to be responsible for it. How responsible? Well, as responsible as seems to be necessary, including maybe devoting my life to caring for pollution and toxic materials.

[84:39]

And seeing it as a gift of the universe, I feel like, oh, I get it. This is my assignment. The universe wants me to take care of this. And then maybe you take care of it. And then maybe people come and say, actually, Mia, somebody else can take over now. We'd like you to take care of something else. You say, oh, I see. Okay, and maybe you can make the adjustment to some other area of acting on some other responsibilities. But it sounds like A very familiar story of you can see it coming, but you can't quite see it as a gift, means you can't quite open to it. Yeah, you tense up. Yeah. So if somebody inserts a knife into you or a needle into you, you can see it coming to you, but you don't necessarily see it as a gift. Even if you do feel like, okay, here comes a needle coming into me and it's going to give me good medicine, some part of your body says, I don't know, I want to relax with this.

[85:52]

So again, there's a practice, somehow, of opening to... opening to... coming in to give you medicine, which could be the acupuncture needle, we say. But there's opening even... Even while the body's still tensing, there's opening to the tensing. And somehow, meditating on this topic of opening to what's being given, we'd somehow relaxing in the receiving of the gifts can be developed. Not in a controlling way, but yet somehow being devoted to relaxing with what's coming seems to promote understanding that what's coming is a gift. When control comes, control is a gift. Suffering comes from misconceiving what's happening.

[86:54]

And the way we usually misconceive what's happening, or misperceive what's happening, is that we think that what's happening is happening by its own power. That's the way we usually misconceive it. But misconception is also not coming by its own power. So all dharmas are coming forward and realizing themselves, and that's a gift. Not seeing it that way is the coming forth of not seeing it that way, and that's a gift too. So misconception and misperception are a gift. Misperception is a gift. So being grateful for suffering, one is able to let it go. Hating suffering, it grows. Saying no thank you to suffering, it grows.

[88:01]

Saying thank you very much, I have no complaint whatsoever to suffering, it's released. Seeing suffering as a gift, you can give it away. Not dump it on somebody else. but just give it to your Anja. He'll love it. I got his suffering. I can put it on my altar. Doesn't mean you have to stick it in his ear. Just put it on his altar. Say, I got a little chunk of the old guy's suffering. There it is. You can have it laminated. Wouldn't you like a little chunk of suffering? Do you get it? Huh? Huh? Yeah, and don't you like it? Yeah, it's great. So, yeah, really, I mean like really, suffering is a gift. There's no bodhisattvas without suffering. You want to be bodhisattva, then you need suffering.

[89:04]

You've got suffering, you're getting a gift to a bodhisattva. And if you see it as a gift, you're coming along really well. And if you don't like it, that's a gift too. And if you don't like not liking it, that's a gift. When will we get with the program? Maybe a little later. Like, how about now? How about now? What? Procrastination, right. How much longer am I going to post being grateful for my problems? So, when I see that my problems are my practice, not even my practice, that still puts them out there a little bit, but my problems are my practice. And thank you very much for the problems, because that's my practice.

[90:10]

I've got my practice now. Yes? It's easy to say what? When what? It's just a suffering because it's painful. Oh, I see. When there's pain, it's easy to say it's suffering? Yes. But suffering also appears as beauty, that beauty is that we don't see, or I don't see, that actually something was. I feel very beautiful and very attractive, and I have a lot of preference, but I don't see, only because I don't see, that it's like suffering. So, how is it possible to purify your view? Yeah, how is it possible to purify my view? If my view is purified... it is said, then I will not run with my preferences if my view is purified.

[91:23]

Like, if I look at somebody and I see them such and such a way, but I purify the way I see them, then if I happen to prefer them because of what I see, I won't run with that. So how do you purify the view? Well, one way is when the suffering comes, you say, I see this as suffering, this is painful. How do I purify my view? by saying, thank you very much. I didn't say you couldn't do suffering. I just said when there's suffering, when you have problems, when you have pain, I would say at that time, see that as a gift. So you said that pain is easy to see it as suffering. Fine. Now that you can easily see suffering, now can you say thank you for suffering? If you can, you just purify your mind a little bit. Now, maybe you didn't really mean thank you, but I mean if you could actually, like, say, I mean, really, like, be like, thank you for this problem.

[92:30]

I mean, like, really, I mean it. Like, maybe nobody else is around, but in your heart, you actually feel grateful for this problem. If you feel grateful for this problem, you just purify your view You have purified yourself of the view of this is a problem. Because problems usually you would avoid. Because you would think that they're really true. So if you act... How are you doing? How are you over there? You're totally what? You're totally open. Great. Well, that will purify your view. And if something lovely, to losing it. In other words, thank you very much. And then I say, can I take it away now? And you say, thank you very much.

[93:30]

Thank you very, I mean, thank you very much. I'm so glad to have this thing even for a moment. And now you can take it away. Okay. Okay. And if something's lovely, you're totally open to... In other words, thank you very much. And then I say, can I take it away now? And you say, thank you very much. Thank you very, I mean, thank you very much. I'm so glad to have this thing, even for a moment. And now you can take it away. Okay. This kind of, this way of being, of giving... The practice of being grateful and giving, it purifies our view. So then, the more we practice giving, the less we run with our preferences. Because basically, we give away what we prefer.

[94:38]

It's okay to give away what you don't prefer, like give people all your garbage. It's okay. But check with them before you give it to make sure that they want it. Don't hurt people with your gifts. Don't give people... Unless they want it. and the poison would help them.

[95:46]

Do we really get to see what is good for us? Well, we seem to get to see what we think is good for us and what we think is not good for us. We seem to get to see the appearance of the thought, this is good for me. Yeah, right, right. Um, can, so, uh, can we actually see freedom? Do we think freedom's good for us? Can we actually see compassion? Do we think compassion's good for us? Can we actually see it? I don't say no, we can't, but, because, you know, it's possible we could see compassion. But I don't know if that's really an important point to see.

[97:23]

I think the important point is that if we, or if they're in the vision, I wouldn't say, I get to see. I won't say, I get to see dependent core arising. Because again, that way of seeing things is dependent core arising. But there can be a vision or an understanding of dependent core arising. There can be an understanding of all things coming forth and realizing themselves. And in that understanding, in that awareness, or in that witnessing, which is Buddha's mind, there can be the arising of pure compassion. But there may not be anybody out there seeing the compassion. So maybe I don't ever get to see the working of great compassion. I can see my idea that such and such is the world. But like it says in Diamond Sutra, there isn't like a bodhisattva that has a self that's doing these good things.

[98:29]

That really is contradictory to these excellent activities. These activities are the activity of the self which is given, not the self doing these things. So it might be the case that when this actual activity of receiving the self and this given self acting compassionately, when that actually is working, we can't see it. Like it says in the Shobo Genzo Bendowa Self-Receiving Samadhi, all this activity of this great help, the way everything is helping each other, is imperceptible. there isn't somebody outside this process of beneficence that's looking at it. There is a view, a subjective view, and there is an objective behavior, but the actual working is between these two extremes. It's in the middle of the dynamic, it's in the relationship, but...

[99:34]

To be outside of a relationship is not really the relationship. So you can... I can have a relationship of our... a subjective experience of my relationship with you. And I can think that it's a nice relationship and I could think that you were kind to me or I was kind to you. Which is fine. But that's not the actual kindness. That's not the actual working of how we're helping each other. That's just my... That's just my impression of it. But there... Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So the actual practice, the actual compassion, the actual beneficence, the actual healing of our life is the healing of our relationship. Our relationship is not my idea of our relationship. And our relationship is not your idea of our relationship. Yet we do not have any relationships without me having an idea of the relationship and the other having an idea

[100:37]

It wouldn't be a normal relationship unless the subjects had experiences of it. But our experiences of it are part of the conditions for it. They're not it. And it is not something separate from the conditions. So sometimes we feel like our relationships are not going very well. Ever had that feeling? I had that experience a few times in my life. this relationship is not going well. Matter of fact, the thought has crossed my mind, this relationship is not going well, and it's going really badly, and how strange that it's going badly, because I voluntarily committed to stay with it indefinitely. Why would I have committed to such a terrible relationship? This is really... It's amazing that I made this big commitment to the worst possible relationship I could have found. This is my subjective experience.

[101:39]

Meantime, the relationship's like just there, right? Who knows what it is? Now, if I had, like, I don't know, if Suzuki Roshi had been alive, or if I get Shakyamuni Buddha to come down for a second and say, actually, could you give me, like, just give me a little hint about what is actually the relationship? They might have said, this is like, this relationship is like inconceivably wonderful. You can't conceive of how good it is. You have a little sense of how good it is, but mostly you have a big sense of how bad it is. But it's like super wonderful, magnificent relationship. It's helping you get over the idea of otherness. You're getting over it. And the way you're getting over it is that you're feeling like this otherness is becoming extremely oppressive. And yet you're staying with it. Stay with some of those relationships.

[102:42]

And after years and years, I now understand that I will stay with that relationship or those relationships forever. And now I know that I can stay with relationships which I have experience of them as being hell. That I have confidence that I will be able to stay with beings who I think who being with them is subjectively like hell, that I can stay with them even when that's how it feels, because that's how it was. And so I seem to be in a situation where I subjectively feel this relationship is terrible. I feel happier and happier the worse it gets. from the point of view of my subjective experience. My subjective experience gets worse and worse and I get happier and happier as I become unmotivated, undistracted, undiscouraged by my subjective experience.

[103:44]

Yeah. Yeah. Yes, it is. Yeah, there could be both. There could be both simultaneously. But there could also be just one of them. Like, there could just be the one of this is just terrible. This is horrible. But the way I behave is that, I mean, the way I'm actually behaving excuse me, the way the relationship's actually going is that it's maturing both parties. And neither one of us see it. And... But these two little people, two little people, who have these two subjective experiences, maybe both of them think it's just totally terrible, the actual relationship that's going on there is turning the Dharma wheel.

[104:56]

And beings all over the universe are being liberated which these two people cannot see. But what these two people are doing is neither one of them are going away from each other. They're both suffering, and their suffering because of their subjective experience is very painful. But what they're actually doing is staying with each other and practicing the bodhisattva practice. And they're telling each other the truth. Say, are you miserable? Yes. Are you? Yes. Do you think this is like super difficult? Yes. Do you want to kill me? I have that impulse, but I'm not going to. Are you stealing from me? I'm looking at that. Do you think of my faults? Do you discuss my faults with yourself or with others? Do you think you're better than me? I'm looking at that. I actually want to practice the Bodhisattva precepts with you. I'm totally miserable with you, but I actually want to practice the Bodhisattva precepts. Are you practicing... Am I practicing giving with you while I am totally...

[105:59]

Am I practicing giving? I don't know, but I want to. Am I being patient with the pain? Yes, I want to. Am I joyful? Am I practicing joy at being patient with the pain? Yes, I am. I mean, yes, it's happening. So we're hanging in there together when we both feel like this is like the most difficult relationship we could possibly have, or in a way, one of the most difficult. Neither one of us are running away from it or trying to control it. and yet it's really difficult. Or maybe we are trying to control it and we're seeing that that's the suffering. This is our subjective experience. Okay? Meantime, beings, everybody else, these two are having a hard time, but everybody else has been... And the question is, well, what about these two? Did they get to know about this? Well, yeah, they do. Read the text and understand that when you're with things that way, when you're sitting upright... in this samadhi, that this is all the stuff's happening. So growing up, but another part of you just receiving this, you know, there's a Buddha here too.

[107:06]

But the Buddha's not like thinking about this. The Buddha is witnessing this incredibly wonderful relationship, which is saving all beings. And the two people have not yet completely, you know, got the picture. But sometimes they do. But when they do, and then sometimes their subjective experience changes, and their subjective experience might change into, this is really wonderful. But even though it's on both sides, that's not the actual relationship. That's just like, I don't know what, it's nice. It's nice. No problem. It's all right. But the actual relationship is what counts. That's what's important, and that's what we're actually doing together. And so, if we run away from people that we're having difficulty with, it's kind of like we're running away from this relationship, from this samadhi.

[108:13]

Because why would, you know, unless you actually sincerely go away from it as a celebration of the samadhi, You're really having a hard time. It's pretty tricky to go away from it as a celebration of the samadhi. Even if the other person agrees, yeah, let's call it off. Okay, just a second now. the case you're giving is you're going into the difficulty, okay? That's not exactly tricky. That's just wrong. It's not tricky. That's just immediately successfully doing it wrong. Okay? That's going into the subjective experience. Okay? That's looking for the solution in modifying the subjective experience or getting to know the subjective experience as some kind of way to manipulate the relationship by working...

[109:19]

that's just a mistake you shouldn't try to control the subjective experience basically you should just like relax with it and say thank you for it because it's a gift the more you can accept the subjective experience when it's nice or when it's not the closer you get to the realization of the relationship which is not my subjective experience so don't get into the subjective experience and don't what do you call it, what's the word, don't act out in relationship to it. Don't get into it, don't indulge in it, and don't act out. Don't run away from it, and don't try to control it. Which, in other words, you practice thank you very much with the subjective side. And that opens you more and more to the actual relationship, which is doing all this good stuff. And it's not thank you very much, and I want to know what's going on here. It's thank you very much for what I am experiencing, what I am experiencing. You know, my dependently co-arisen subjective experience.

[110:25]

This is what I know about. And so I'm going to say thank you to this. And the more I say thank you, the closer I get to seeing the dependent co-arising of my subjective experience. That opens me up to the dependently co-arisen relationship, which has been going on the whole time. And so the realization of this relationship pervades even more completely me and you and everything. But the dependent co-arising of it has been going on the whole time. It's just that the way it's been manifesting is as suffering in the suffering and trying to get away from it or make it go away. So instead of trying to control the suffering or get rid of the suffering, try to see how it happens. Seeing how it happens is happiness. It's first of all beauty, release. Trying to control it is more suffering. Trying to control whatever happiness you are subjectively experiencing creates more suffering.

[111:32]

So if the subjective experience is pleasant and you try to control it, it's a basis for suffering. If it's miserable and you try to control it, modifying it or getting away from it, which is modifying it, That creates more. But to relax with it and see how it happens, that's the door to freedom from it, which is the door to entry into the relationship which is already going on. This wonderful way that you're helping each other, help by showing each other what's wrong with your ways of seeing things. So you're in a relationship with whoever, and if you're miserable, this other person's helping you realize that you can't see them straight. You're misconceiving them. You think they're out there on their own. This is what they're teaching you. They're saying to you, you actually think I'm other, don't you? You actually think I'm other. They're not saying that, because if they did, you know, you might stop. So then they wouldn't be able to help you think that you, I mean, you might stop, means you might stop noticing it. Then you go on thinking they're other and say, no, I don't really think you're other, but you'd be lying.

[112:34]

So the other person helps you see that you have this strange, you're in the stage of seeing otherness, and we are in the process of getting over this. We are in the process of getting over this stage of otherness. Once we're over it, all beings are saved. over it, there may be some real painful situations. We will subjectively experience pain. Does that make sense? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so that's good.

[113:38]

So you say, one situation, one is, let's get out, I want to get out of here. The other is, we're in a difficult situation, let's try, thank you very much, let's try to work this out. The other one is, thank you very much, I don't know if we'll be able to work this out or not. That's the three ways. And another way to phrase it is, one is, you try to get away from it. The other is, you say, thank you, but really, and the third one is thank you and you're almost not trying to control it and I would complete it I would add one more thing thank you very much for this relationship I say thank you but really I'm looking at you and I say thank you to the universe for our relationship I thank you so we can have this relationship and I don't know if we're going to work this out but I'm going to stay with you forever You know, we may not live in the same house forever, but I will never abandon you.

[114:39]

I'll stay with you until it is worked out. And I also think it already is worked out. According to Buddhism, it already is worked out. And the way it's working out is that it's working, the relationship is working to cure both of us and everybody else from the illusion that there's somebody other. It's not that there isn't Brian. For Reb, I'm not saying there's not a Brian, it's just that there's no Brian separate from Reb. There's a Brian who's different from Reb, and there needs to be a Brian who's different from Reb in order to cure Reb from thinking Brian is other. If Brian looks just like Reb, if all you people look like me, I would think, yeah, I guess there's no other. There's just me and all my little clones. But because you're different from me, it surfaces any sense that I'm still clinging to the idea that you're other. So your behavior is not like me, which is because you're not me, shows me to the extent that I have the false perception that you're out there independent of me.

[115:49]

None of you are independent of me. I'm not independent of any of you. And your otherness, I mean your difference from me, helps me, cures me, through the pain of thinking that you're other, it is curing me of thinking that you're other. So that's why I am committed to all of you in the difficulty. And I won't necessarily live in the same room with each one of you, but basically I have to work this out with everybody. That's the bodhisattva vow. So because of the Hans going, we can have the dedication, which we usually do at the end of the class, in service. So noon service will be part of this class.

[116:42]

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