or a bowl and so we're practicing giving and then we move to the practice of ethics of being careful of all of our actions in the context of giving and then we develop the ability to be really present and in the center of our experience through the practice of patience and then we develop enthusiasm in this process and then we become concentrated And then wisdom arises.

[01:03]

And the wisdom that arises is actually the way the giving really is. But we have... And through developing concentration in the giving practice, we come to see the... The dynamic of giving which we saw last night, we come to see that there's nobody doing the giving, doing the receiving. There's nobody doing the being the gift. these practices are listed 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 but it's actually in some sense it's one and then the second practice really kind of like perfects or purifies the one and the third one centers the one and the

[02:19]

energizes the one, and the fifth one concentrates the one. When all those are working together, we have wisdom, which is the understanding of one, or understanding of giving. Wisdom is realizing the way giving really is. All really basically giving. Going through stages of of realization, and when the giving is realized, it's wisdom. So in that light, if we move on now to the second practice of ethical discipline, I think it's helpful to realize that ethical discipline in some ways is a discipline of the practice of giving. It's not just discipline by itself, it's discipline of giving.

[03:24]

Because as we're practicing giving, we can get a little off on the on the actual giving we can get distracted or confused about what giving is and make kind of in a sense ethical mistakes in general but specifically make ethical mistakes about giving and make ethical mistakes of course about receiving In one sense it's a subtle point, in another sense it could be obvious that someone could feel generosity and feel like, I really feel generous towards the situation or towards a person and I would like to give a gift and to do so without being careful.

[04:53]

Or another way to put it is people don't know that they need to be careful when they're being generous because generous is so good. I don't have to be careful when I'm being generous. But actually, generosity can be done in an unethical way by not paying attention to what you're doing. So like you have a feeling of, I would like to give a gift, but you don't actually pay attention to the way you give it. You could like take a piece of, I don't know what, big chunk, kind of like toss it at somebody. Say, I had this great gift for you, and then kind of look away from them and toss it to them. And you might think, geez, that was great of me to give that gift. In a way, it's true. It really was great of you to give that gift. All the gold you had, you might have felt like, I love this person so much, I want to give them all my gold.

[06:09]

They're so dear to me. You're so dear to me, I'm going to give you all my gold here. And then I love to give it to you. And maybe I think, hey, I use this great thing. I don't have to pay attention when I give it. But, you know, old brick, I don't know how much those things weigh. Those, those, huh? Ingots, yeah. Those ingots can be pretty heavy. You could like toss an ingot of gold to somebody. Yeah. piece of gold you toss it to somebody that could hurt them you toss it and they go oh you rat what do you mean rat I just gave you whatever you know how much is this worth dollars I suppose I don't know more than that yeah you just so I just how dare you when you so

[07:30]

you might think, well, giving such a big gift, that's quite a job. That's a big thing I did. But the giving, if it's going to be, if it's going to really be helpful, it really needs, you know, to be most helpful, I should say, it needs wisdom, too. So giving is great. It really is great. But you also have to practice ethics with it. Give a gift, when I give a gift, I also, if I really want it to be fully functioning, I have to be careful when I give it. And I have to pay attention to the way I'm giving it. And that actually sometimes is really hard. to somebody that's especially something that really means well actually I say especially in one case you give something that's really a big gift something that you really feel was a huge gift on your part and you're afraid to see what a big thing it is that you're giving so much you can barely look at the person that you're giving it to

[08:45]

here I'm giving this big thing and part of me wants to look away and not look at you when I give it because you might cry so moved by me doing this great act that I can barely stand to see how much you appreciate it or how much you're afraid to receive it because it's so big you know I don't want to see how intense this is Hence for me, that I don't want to look and see the consequences of this in you. So I look away. But when I look away, that's an ethical mistake. Because again, as I just said, I might not notice that it's too heavy for you. And that maybe I should hold on to it a little longer so that you don't strain your back when I give it to you, when you receive it.

[09:53]

So we give a gift, but it's the ability as you give it to follow through with the giving and see how the receiver is receiving it. That's part of the intimacy of the giving. And again, part of this feels like, the two extremes is, this is such a little gift, I don't have to pay attention to how God gives it. I don't have to pay attention to the consequences of the giving, because it's such a little thing. That's an ethical mistake. That's an infraction of ethics. That's an infraction of carefulness. That's a shortcoming of vigilance. And again, we think maybe, well, it's such a little gift. It's such a small thing. I don't have to pay attention to these small things. That's a mistake. Small gifts still require intimate attention. And big gifts also do.

[11:02]

But in both cases, we may be part of our... undisciplined ethics thinks, this gift is so little, I don't have to pay attention to it. Or this gift is so big, I don't have to pay attention to it. To the world, I don't have to pay attention to the consequences of such an enormous generosity. That is a mistake. Big gifts require ethical precision. ethical follow through thorough follow through big gifts and little ones do too they both giving without ethics can be well giving without ethics is missing what giving really is ethics is to notice is to pay attention to the giving process and

[12:06]

to not pay attention to small or big or medium-sized gifts is an ethical mistake. So you miss the nature of giving. And to practice giving and miss the nature of giving is harmful, is not, does not bring welfare or interferes with welfare. But again, I think it's It's not a well-taught practice that when you're giving, as soon as you start to practice giving, you have other responsibilities that come right with it. In other words, you have the responsibility of ethics. In order to understand giving, you also have to practice ethics with the giving. And also, in order for ethics to really be flower, ethics need to be practiced as gifts.

[13:14]

So now I'm emphasizing the new ethics is that the ethics practice really works best when it's actually ethics with or based on giving. before I was emphasizing that in order to realize giving and have giving really be beneficial, we have to be careful of it. But being careful, take away the giving, being careful, isn't really going to be beneficial either. Now I'm moving on to look at the ethics itself. If we practice ethics without realizing that this is an act of generosity, it can be basically manipulative coercive oppressive repressive so looking at these two again the ethics helps you be impeccable in your giving

[14:34]

work towards being thorough in your giving so that your giving really has a chance to turn into to be wisdom and also remember not don't in some sense do not practice I'm saying do not practice ethics before you practice giving always approach ethics as a gift to yourself and to others not as a manipulation of yourself but as a gift to yourself not as a manipulation to others but as a gift be honest with others as a gift not as a manipulation be honest with yourself not as a manipulation but as a gift and again be careful When you pick something up, be careful and vigilant of how you pick it up.

[15:38]

That's part of ethics. It's a gift not to get control of this object. And when you put it down, put it down carefully, but not to control it, as a generous and respectful way of putting it down. But if it starts jumping around, Don't beat it up because it's making it more difficult for you to be careful. We weren't trying to put it down in a certain way to make it go down that way. We were putting it down as an act just to check and be... one of the most important stories in my life with my daughter my youngest daughter was a time when she she wanted to get a job and go to work she had come back from college and her intention was to come back

[16:59]

and get a job so that she could save up some and live at home and work and save up money so she would have money to support herself in the coming year of school. We, her parents, were into like supporting, paying for her tuition and other school expenses. But she was going to have a job and pay for certain personal needs she had. That was the understanding. And she wanted to do that. And she came from her college to go to work. And she said to me before she came back, you know, she was going to fly back. And she said, I want to hit the ground running. and go right to work and so then she came this is like in June she came home she didn't get a job and day after day she didn't get a job she was alive and well but she had lots of social activities late into the night so that she got up in the morning it was not morning anymore

[18:23]

It was afternoon. And then by the time she got ready to go, the businesses were closed. It was too late to go look for a job. About the right time to re-engage in social activities. And so day after day went by. And I think she did maybe... In the late afternoon, go to some places to look for work. But I just basically walked in and said, I don't particularly want to work here. You probably don't want to hire me, do you? And they probably said, no, thanks. So now we're in September. late august and i'm planning to go away into the mountains those mountains over there the las padres national forest to do a practice period and my partner my wife the mother of this woman who was my daughter says do not leave me with her

[19:45]

I do not want her in this house unemployed. She's a big, strong, intelligent, energetic person. When she's unemployed, it's not a good situation. So I said, okay. She said, do not leave me with her. She meant, do not leave me with her unemployed. We agreed that we were going to talk to her and I was going to tell her, you know, if you don't get a job in the next week, we want you to move out. We don't want you to live here if you don't have a job and just, you know, continue to live here and so on and so forth. So we sat down with her and as we started the conversation, my wife said, I changed my mind. I don't support this idea anymore.

[20:53]

So I said, okay, your mother changed her mind, so now I want to tell you what your father changed his mind. Your father wants you to move out of the house if you don't get a job in the next week. And the thing, that was a gift from her father to her. And the key factor I want to emphasize now When I said it to her, and I kind of would like to look in the face of each one of you, when I said it to her, I looked into her eyes as I said it, and I kept looking into her eyes until I finished the sentence. In the next week, I want you to move out of the house. I looked at her when I said it. I was careful. when I said it it was a gift and I did not and I did not and I looked into my heart I didn't I didn't over I did it as a gift I wanted to know that that's what I wanted this is what your father wants he wants you to course he wants to get a job but if you don't get a job you actually want you to move out of the house

[22:17]

And I looked at her when I said it, and I kept looking at her when I said it, and I do not like to look at my daughter's face when I tell her something which I don't think she likes to hear. I do not like to look at that face when I'm giving her a gift that I don't think she likes. I like to look away, someplace else. I like to give this great gift of love from her father, who thinks this is unwholesome and wants to tell her that and wants there to be a consequence. Not so much wants, but would like a certain follow-through if she doesn't do it. And I managed to stay with her when I delivered that message. And she made that look on her face when she doesn't like what Sping said. She did make that look, and I kept looking at it. I stayed with her.

[23:22]

And she didn't freak out. If you deliver a message, a big gift, like that, and you don't pay attention when you're doing it, the person, the recipient, will often freak out. You know, and drop the gift on their toe or something. But if you deliver it carefully, even if it's really heavy, they can receive it and you can see how they're receiving it and maybe hold on to it a little longer before you give them the full and they can handle it. Also, if you start to deliver it and you notice it's too heavy, you can take it back or you can keep holding it with them so they don't drop it and hurt themselves. If she had made a different look, if her face had changed than it did, I might have changed my mind.

[24:24]

And I might have said, like her mother, I might have said, I changed my mind. I want you to move out at the end of the week if you don't have a job. And if her face did a certain thing, I might have said, actually, now I've said that, I don't feel that way. The tears might have rolled down in such a way as to say, change your mind, Daddy. And I might have said, Daddy, change his mind. I wasn't like going to say this and that was the end of the story. That was just my gift. To be there and watch this face. which I did not want to be an unhappy face. I had to watch the face to see if I would follow through and finish the sentence and not change my mind. And I did say it, and I didn't change my mind. And she sat there, and she didn't freak out. She received it.

[25:25]

She did okay. She didn't just, like, freak out. She knew how to freak out. If she had freaked out, I don't know what I would have done. But she did it quite nicely. And she sat there and she said, what am I going to do if I move out? Where am I going to live? And I said, this is a grown woman. This is a 19-year-old amazing person. Fortunately, had a really good education. at that age. This is the person I know can do pretty much anything she wants to do. And so I said to her, she said, what am I going to do? Where am I going to live? I said, I have confidence you can do that. You can work that out. I don't know if you will, but I didn't say that part.

[26:32]

I don't know if you will, but you can do that. Just like you can, you know, I didn't say that either. But she can get a job if she wants a job. I have confidence in this person. But she wasn't doing what she had the ability to do. And I said, okay. And one, you got a week to do it. And then she got up and walked away. And she went into her room and she closed the door of her room. Closed it in such a way as to knock the, what do you call it, the, What's it called? The door jamb. She didn't knock the door jamb off. But the door jamb on her room actually had been knocked off quite a few times before, and I actually pounded it back in. Because she would slam the door so that that frame would get knocked off, or almost knocked off, pried away from the nails. But she closed it firmly, but it wasn't...

[27:33]

It wasn't an enraged door closing. I was surprised. It was a difficult thing for her to hear a major message from her father, but he delivered it. I was with her when I delivered it, and I didn't want to be there, but I had to be. And I felt good about that. I was... I was careful. Every step of the sentence, every word of the sentence, I was there with her. I practiced ethics with that gift. I didn't say this to her, but if at the end of the week she hadn't gotten a job, I wouldn't have done it. I might have just said, do you remember that I said I wanted you to move out at the end of the week and it's the end of the week now? Did you remember I said I would like you to move out now? And she might have said, yes, I remember, and I'm not going to. I'm staying here.

[28:35]

And that would have been another discussion, I suppose. I said, oh, I'll talk to your mom about that and see what she says. We would have gone from there. I don't know what would have happened at the end of the week, but anyway... We didn't get to the end of the week. We got to the next morning. And this strange thing happened the next morning after I got back from that early morning around 7.30. My daughter was up at like 7.30 in the morning. And she said to me, she said, are you going to San Francisco tomorrow? I mean today. And can I get a ride? yes and then she did something which she hadn't ever done before with me she asked me for some wardrobe consultation or sartorial interview and she showed me I think it would be two sweaters she said which one do you think is best to wear to a job interview and I said I think that one

[29:51]

And she wore that one. She never asked me before and then to do what I suggested. And then she asked me which shoes to wear. And she wore the pair that I suggested. So we went to San Francisco together and I went swimming in the bay. And she went looking for a job. And when I got out of the water and warmed up inside, locker room she was sitting there in a chair like this you know with her legs crossed and she was bouncing her leg like this and I had a feeling she had gotten a job and she had Got a job in an hour. Huh?

[30:54]

I think she got it at Sharper Image. I'm not sure. The club where I swim, and she's walked across, which is in San Francisco by Ghirardelli Square. She walked across Aquatic Park and up to the Sharper Image store. I don't know if it's the first store she went in. She walked in, got a job. I mean, if that girl goes into a place and says, I want to work here, most people would hire her. there's this beautiful, energetic, intelligent person who says, I want to work here. Well, yeah, you're welcome to work here. Now, if there's no job, she might not get a job, but that was a while ago. And she got hired, and she got another job shortly after that. We get to the end of the week, and that was that. But the thing I'm emphasizing is that I had to practice vigilance I had to be vigilant when I delivered the gift.

[31:55]

I had to be vigilant to pay attention to the receiver. But again, we sometimes think if you give a gift, you're the generous one. You don't have to pay attention to the recipient. No. You have a responsibility to who you give the gift to to make sure as you give it and as they receive it that it's appropriate. Because sometimes you give and they say, oh, this gift isn't appropriate. It's too much for the person, or too little. Like sometimes if you give somebody a tip, you watch the look on their face, and you can tell by the look on their face you didn't give them enough. Wasn't that enough? And they go, no. You say, oh, how much is the appropriate amount? And they say, okay. And maybe you don't, but anyway, you look at them. And some people do tip people, but they don't look at them. That's not really generous to not look at the person you give the tip to. Look at them. It's more important in some sense to look at them, then that's a more important gift than the money in a way.

[33:01]

To give somebody a tip and not look at them, they feel disrespected. But they accept it because you just gave them money. But to give them a tip and not look in their eyes as an equal, they feel disrespected. Respect means look again. You didn't look at them. And they feel disrespected. So you weren't being ethical even though you were being generous. And that makes giving a lot more work. The point is, ethics is a way to intensify and warm and cook. Cook the giving. Warm it up. Warm it up. This whole process of warming up giving until it reaches wisdom. Warm up this compassionate giving. Warm up the welfare until it turns to wisdom.

[34:04]

Because wisdom is where the afflictions, the delusions, are liberated or where the beings, the afflicted, Suffering beings are liberated in wisdom. Wisdom is where we actually become liberated. But wisdom is really just fully cooked generosity. Generosity that's reached its, that's finally, generosity that's realized reality. so another aspect of ethics in relationship to giving is this other subtlety is that is the gift a manipulation and to be vigilant about about watching Is the gift a manipulation? Is the gift a way of trying to control?

[35:06]

To watch that and be careful of that is ethics. It's ethical observation. And that's very subtle sometimes. Sometimes it's easy to see. Sometimes you give a gift to somebody and you don't feel at all like you're trying to control them at all. You don't feel like you're trying to... You don't feel like you're trying to get them to say thank you. You may wish that you may want to please them but you don't do it to control them into pleasing, into being pleased. You would like it to be pleasing but you actually are just giving it whether they'll be pleased or not. You think they might be, you would like them to be. In my first case, I did not give it to please her. I didn't think she'd be pleased.

[36:06]

If she had been, that would have been quite nice. She said, you know, that was really great that you did that, Dad. If she had immediately been pleased, I would have She did say, I forgot what it was, but there's tough love and hard line. And she thought the way I did it. I forgot which one she thought I did, but she liked the one I did. I don't know if that was tough love or hard line. I think actually it was tough love. Because I really wasn't, hard line is more like controlling. Hard line is like, I want you to move out at the end of the week and then you throw the person in the street. Maybe, I don't know. A tough love. So I didn't really think I would like to please my daughter by doing this. I didn't even think I would please my wife by doing it.

[37:09]

I just thought, this is where I'm at. And I would like to give my daughter the actual father that... And I didn't want this to be to try to control her. And it didn't control her. I would never even imagine, you know, that it would get her that this... ...and ask me for a wardrobe consultation. I wasn't trying to get her to do that. She did something which I wasn't expecting which is much more wonderful than anything I would have thought of probably. So I got this wonderful gift from her. I got gift after gift back from her. I would have got those gifts even if I hadn't been ethical. But I might not have noticed them. But I was watching her very carefully and having the courage to look in her face when I gave the original gift.

[38:17]

I had the courage to look in her face and I had the courage to look at her face when she asked me for the consultation and I had the courage to be in the car with her and I had the courage. This kind of giving makes us courageous. Again, it leads to this, it looks up to this courageous enthusiasm heroic effort. It leads up to that. Again, it can be very subtle when you give a gift to see, are you trying to manipulate by this gift? Do you have some expectation? Being vigilant, you notice, yes, I do have expectation. You notice it. I am trying to manipulate. Part of the vigilance is you will discover that you will discover ethical shortcomings. You will discover that you're using a gift as a cover for disrespect.

[39:21]

You can give gifts to someone and disrespect them. You can give gifts to people and think that they're less than you. That's not real giving. Giving with ethical defect. So giving feels nice, but you don't want to look and say, here I gave a gift to a person, but actually I insulted them at the same time. I don't want to notice that I insulted them, I just want to notice that I was generous. even though you're being generous and it really is generous and you really do want to give a gift and you really do feel good about it you also you also think you're better than the person you're giving it to and you don't want to notice that you want to feel like that but you don't want to notice you don't want to be ashamed of yourself for being arrogant self-righteous

[40:26]

And putting yourself above the people you're being generous with, you don't want to notice that. But that's how to practice ethics, is to notice if it's there. And it isn't always there. Somebody who you really feel is your equal, or even who you think is superior to you. You make an offering, for example, to the Buddhas, and you think they're actually superior to you. And you make the offering, and you do it carefully, and you're not trying to manipulate them. But sometimes, if you give a gift, you notice, I am trying to manipulate the person. I am trying to get them to like me. And when they don't, I notice that I'm disappointed and angry. So, yeah, so there was ethical shortcoming that was there while I was practicing this wonderful practice of giving.

[41:33]

And I noticed that. And noticing that, I understand, is part of the practice. Trying to control people is not one of the practices here on the wall. Bodhisattvas are not trying to control people. They're trying to not control them. They're trying to liberate them, not control them. They're not trying to control them into liberation. Buddhas do not try to control unenlightened people into enlightenment. Why don't they try to control? Because they can't. If they could, why? Why don't you just snap a little button on everybody and make them into enlightened beings so they'd be free of suffering? Because they can't. It wouldn't be a problem if they could. If we had little switches, why not turn them? But that's not the way things are.

[42:35]

That's just a dream. So Buddhists were bodhisattvas, and when they were bodhisattvas, they learned to be devoted to beings devoted devoted devoted generous vigilant careful not control and they learned that because they tried to control them many many many many times they tried to control them and they learned that that was a mistake [...] they switched from trying to control beings into being happy and control beings into being awake to assist in being happy and assist people in waking up supporting them giving them support giving them support and having them reject your support and slap you in the face for supporting them and not do what you're supporting them to do and not do what they want you to support them to do

[43:39]

They learned that that was the way and the control in them was not the way. They learned by making that mistake over and over. They learned from noticing their ethical shortcomings, they learned how to drop their ethical shortcomings. So that their wonderful generosity of these enlightening beings, the wonderful generosity became purified and matured by being joined to ethical discipline Once again, you can give a gift. It is a gift. It really is a gift. You can screw it up by expecting something for it. It is a gift, and then you try to get something back. And that doesn't destroy the gift, it just defiles it, undermines it. It's still a gift, but you just put this grasping into it and then you and you can notice that say oh there's an ethical shortcoming in this good act so then you notice that and you noticed it and you see how you feel about it and when you feel sorry find the way of feeling sorry you find the sorrow which is called repentance so repentance is a type of sorrow which reforms us

[45:11]

So there's a way of feeling sorrow over the way I screwed up this gift that encouraged me to do it again without this mistake. I'd like to try it again. May I try to give that gift again, please? Yeah, go ahead, try. I gave that gift, but I didn't feel right about it. Can I try again? Sometimes a person says, no, you can't try again. I'm never going to let you give me a gift again. And then to see that as a gift would be appropriate. It doesn't mean it's true what they said. That's just what they said. But that was the gift of the moment that you look at them and you can't give them any more gifts because the way you gave that last one, I don't ever want to see you again. That was terrible the way you gave that gift. That gift was the most insulting, discouraging thing that's happened to me in the last ten minutes.

[46:18]

Or ten years, whatever. Anyway, I'm done with you. You're fired. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. The consequences of my impure giving. And the person might say, I changed my mind, maybe I will give you another chance. Go ahead, try to give it to me again. And then you try again and say, that was bad. Keep that up. in this teaching there's no, there's no, you know, there's no end. There's no final damnation. There's just little temporary damnations. Every, every, every now and then. And the damnation is not doing these practices.

[47:22]

These practices are really the way we want to go. But, it's, they're hard and we forget. And, uh, Well, that's just a little warm-up, but that's also a lot. So I wonder if there's any responses you'd like to offer? Any gifts you'd like to offer? Yes. So I noticed something very subtle this morning. Sometimes a patient enters into this thing When I move on to patients, that's right. Thank you. So let's see.

[48:29]

I noticed that I speak. And when I do speak, I feel in situations like defilement has occurred. So, or it just, it doesn't, I speak and then I feel like this, this doesn't feel right. It's not even a thinking. It's just, it's like feeling. So this morning I was standing there and you passed by And you put your hands in gaucho, and I put my hands in gaucho. And so then I said, good morning. And then you passed by. And as I was saying good morning, it didn't feel, I felt like it was a defilement almost.

[49:39]

You know, like it just didn't. Right, just very subtle. It was very subtle. And I was just thinking as you were talking, was I present for this gift as you being a giver of a gift, as me being a giver, you receiving, I receiving the gift? And so, yeah, I am looking at that. And you felt maybe that you weren't really present? Yes. And you felt kind of not so good about that? On some level, I felt I was present. But then my speech, then I speak. And it's almost like a looking away. Exactly. It could be. And then it didn't feel right to speak. You know, it was like...

[50:39]

Those words came, but like it wasn't necessary. What wasn't necessary? To say anything. Yes, it might not have been necessary, right. It could have been that your attention was kind of lost, and then when you lost it, you spoke. The possibility is you were present and attentive to the meeting. and then there was the impulse to speak but as you started to speak you lost your presence. Because it is sometimes easier to be present with somebody when you're silent. And then we're together in silence and then we start to speak but as we start to speak, like with my daughter, as I start to speak You have to give attention to the speaking, and then sometimes you get to speak to the other person as you're paying attention to your speaking.

[51:42]

So speaking in some sense is a more advanced exchange than silence in a way. Because you have to pay attention to yourself and to the other person, and now to the speech. And if you put too much attention to the other person, you lose your attention to the other person, and then you feel bad. I did speak, but I lost the contact. I had this nice contact. And because I had this nice contact, I wanted to say good morning. But as I started to put my attention onto this enunciation of good morning, I lost contact with him. Yes. Not to mention if I said, buon giorno, or buon dia, or ohio gozaimasu, or... It takes, you know... And then you feel bad. You had this nice thing, this nice meeting, and then because you had the nice meeting, you wanted to give this more.

[52:47]

It's like more, yeah. But that's okay if you can be present with the more. But if you have this good meeting... And out of that, a feeling of making another gift comes. You have to then now stay present with that. And then if you don't, you don't feel... You feel a little off. You feel a little sorrow. I've told this story many times, but I love it so much. It's like I knew this little girl who's now... Again, she's... a very, this is a little girl who was, what do you call it, a match for my daughter. She was one year younger than my daughter, and when I saw them together, they were like a match for each other. And she told this story. I don't know if she told it to me, but she said her parents were separated.

[53:48]

I think her, one of her parents lived in Oakland, and another parent lived in Boston and her her father actually went to the same high school as me a year younger and her mother was my wife's best friend as a child childhood best friend this girl was visiting us and her parents are separated so she goes from Oakland to Boston to Oakland and she said when I'm with my dad And I'm going to go back to my mom. I'm so excited to see my mom that I don't pay attention to my dad. When I get back with my mom and I'm going to come to see my dad, I get so excited about seeing my dad, I don't pay attention to my mom.

[54:49]

That's it, you know. We get so excited about saying good morning that we don't pay attention to the person we're saying good morning to. Yeah. Happens often with me. Yeah. So that's, you know, a child can sense that the sadness or almost the tragedy of loving your dad and loving your mom and not being with either one of them. Yeah. And then when you get with the other one, you're not with that one. And you keep missing being present. And even a child can say that that's really a sad thing because we want to be present. We want to be intimate. And then she used this analogy. At that time, this was quite a while ago, they had these dolls, these very popular dolls called cabbage patch dolls. Did anybody not know about cabbage pastels?

[55:53]

Everybody know about them? I never saw a cabbage pastel, but I heard you had to, like, there was a waiting list to get them. They couldn't produce them fast enough. And then also that when you got your cabbage pastel, it was registered, like you had a birth certificate for it or something. It was registered at the Cabbage Patch Hospital. Anyway, it was a good marketing thing, and a lot of little girls wanted Cabbage Patch dolls. So this young girl said, it's like you wanted a Cabbage Patch doll, and you got one as a present, like for Christmas. You get to be with your babies. Dream come true. And then you leave the cabbage patch doll in the living room on the Christmas tree and you go to sleep and you get up in the morning and somebody has cleaned up the things for the presents and they accidentally included the cabbage patch doll with the wrappings and put them in the trash.

[57:10]

And you run out because the Trash collectors have just come by and you run out and you see the truck going away. And in Boston, I guess, when they find nice stuff in the trash, they sometimes put it up on top of the truck. And you see the truck going away with your doll on the roof. It's like that, you know. Our life. And that little girl could articulate that, that It's like you're with your mom, the woman you love and want to be intimate with, and you're losing her. With your dad, and you're losing him. And you can see it happen. So this is a crucial aspect. This is ethics. To actually do things, to speak... thoroughly to make every sentence you say careful of that you carefully form your syllables that you notice that your speech is slurred which we don't particularly want to notice

[58:37]

You're there when you speak. And when you make gestures, you're there. You watch what your hands are doing. And you learn to do that even though it's kind of awkward to learn it. Because we already know how to gesture and speak without paying attention. As you start to be more careful, it's actually, it's like you're a beginner at being careful. You've been acting a long time without really being thoroughly careful of what you're doing. So now you're awkward in doing the same things you used to do because you've added mindfulness so you're kind of like a beginner again at things you already know how to do unmindfully. It's almost like a new game. But it's a good new game. If you want to be a benefit to beings, you have to of adding mindfulness and carefulness and vigilance and conscientiousness to every act.

[59:47]

And if we don't, it's really wonderful. So this is wonderful that you notice and feel a little bit bad when you do something evil. Good morning. It's not that evil, it's not wicked, it's not terrible, but it's sad if you don't fully participate. And that sadness is ethics working in you, is repentance, which... ...in a kind of uncomfortable way to be more thorough when you say good morning or good night. or hello or goodbye, that you're right there, present. And that's wonderful. So you're giving yourself and you're giving and you're checking to make sure you're present when you give yourself. And if you give yourself without presence, you feel sorrow.

[60:53]

And that sorrow says, okay, Next meeting, I want to give myself and be present. If you do, and you're not, you feel sorrow again. Next time again, I wish to be present. Thank you. You're welcome. Why don't you just keep it over there in case anybody else wants to make any offering. Betsy does. I can relate to that feeling. And I think I've experienced at times when I've realized when I've communicated that I've fully communicated authentically and the person might have been off, not listening or turned away or whatever like that, but I didn't feel bad. I didn't try to repeat it, you know, more clever. I just felt pretty complete that I'd given that.

[61:57]

And then other times I've been manipulating them so I got something back. So it's nice when I can feel that distinction. And feeling that distinction is ethics. This morning he gave me a great gift. And I noticed that after you gave me the gift, I got in a hurry again.

[62:59]

This is an old friend. And I'd like an opportunity to go back and do that over again. Okay. Reb, thank you very much. What you gave me was a great gift. And I appreciate it. And thank you. You are welcome. Thanks for rehearsing it again. I have a friend who has a knack for practicing generosity. And recently, he's someone who's able to receive from people.

[64:03]

And so I've been able to give things that I might not have been able to give with other people. And so I feel like that's a great gift, you know, that he... His ability to receive is a great gift to you. Yeah. Yeah. It's really... But not too long ago, a situation came up where I was trying to be helpful and I was a little frustrated because he wasn't cooperating with my helpfulness. And I said one of those, you know, things that is pretty stupid, like, but I was only trying to help. And he said to me, what made you think I wanted your help? And it really went deep. I wasn't in that interaction being respectful. I was maybe being a little inferior, a little arrogant. So I thought that was a wonderful gift.

[65:06]

So now this friend has just received a diagnosis that's not good, a medical diagnosis. And I'm realizing he's going to need help. He's probably going to need... more help than he knows he needs. I have this impulse to help, and somehow I need to be careful with that so that I'm not exceeding, you know, or I'm not overstepping. Yeah. I don't know how that will go. He's going to need help. and there's something in you which you would like to offer help but still we need to ask if you would like a gift we all need help constantly and part of the help we need is for people to ask us if we need help that's one of the types of help we need and people

[66:22]

we have something to say in the way that help comes to us. Help is more helpful when the help checks with us. And we are more helpful when we check with the person we wish to help. People sometimes say, do you need any help? And I almost always say, yes, I do. They say, with what? I say, I don't know. Well, let me tell you. Now, you said, let me tell you, but maybe you should say, may I tell you? I have some ideas. May I tell you? And I might say... I know I need help, and I know you have ideas about what it is, but I'm not quite ready to receive the help.

[67:28]

But now I am. Please tell me. And then you can tell me, I think you need help. I think you need me to support you to get across the room, you know. Which is true, I do. But how? Do you want me to lift you under the armpits? I say, no, just walk next to me, I might say. I don't want you actually to... to put your hands under my armpits. Just walk next to me. That's enough. Actually, now I do want you to put your hands up. And so on. Step by step, keep checking. Which makes things much more intense, much more complicated, much more challenging, but much more intimate. Not really much more intimate, but actually it makes us realize more fully the intimacy. We're already intimate Another word that comes into play here is, this is a practice of intimacy. Generosity and ethics are ways to realize and practice intimacy, which is already there.

[68:33]

But unless we do these practices, we miss it. So, you want to help this person. This person needs you to help. You want to help, that's all great. But it's more intimate to check, you know, how would you like, how would you, may I be of some assistance? Is there some way you'd like? And that may include the person asking for something that you don't want to give. That's also, I want to be helpful to you. I want to assist you. May I? And the person says, yes. How? And they tell you and say, that way doesn't work for me. And they may say, what way does it work for you? Well, this way. They might say, for you, well okay, then do it that way. We can eventually work it out. But maybe all you ever do is have a conversation and that may be really the most helpful thing. Because when we realize intimacy, we're benefited, even though nobody touched anybody or did anything other than try to clarify our relationship.

[69:49]

Any other offerings at this time? Would you like the microphone? Could I... No. It's just a short question. It's just a short question. Parent, you know, responsible for helping even if they don't want to help. So the same situation, only it's a young child. Your child. There is a certain age where you really have a hard time with really little kids. It's really hard to inquire. But at a certain age, they start to try to tell you a thing or two. Like, for example, they start to changing diapers.

[71:01]

You get the impression that they don't want you to do it sometimes. Like, they just don't want you to hold them down and take these soiled cloths off them. And then once you get them off, they don't want you to maybe. Maybe they don't want you to clean their butt and put powder on. Maybe they don't want that either sometimes. They're kind of telling you, leave me alone. This is really uncomfortable. Get away. The people who are administering these gifts of caring for the the bottoms of the babies and the fronts of the babies. People who are giving these gifts don't necessarily say, would you like me to help you with this soiled... They don't usually say that because the kid doesn't understand English or Chinese yet.

[72:04]

So you don't usually ask them. But why not? You're teaching them English or Chinese all the... You're teaching them language, so... Why not teach... People say, now I'm going to... Now we're going to change the diaper. You can also say, may I change the diaper? You could say that. And then they don't really know how to answer yet. But you did ask them. Say, well, you didn't... I don't really... I didn't get a clear answer from you. But now... Now, I'm... Let's say they're really precocious and say, no, don't change my diaper. This makes things a lot more complicated. And we're in a hurry here. We're in a hurry here. So you say, I have a message for you which I think you're not going to like and that is I'm going to touch you.

[73:07]

I'm going to touch you and I know you don't really want me to touch you. I mean, I feel like you probably don't want me to touch you. That's what I feel. I feel like you might not like this. And I'm sorry in a way, but I am going to touch you. I'm going to touch you. I don't know what's going to happen when I touch you, but I'm going to touch you. But when I touch you, I'm going to pay attention while I touch you. I'm going to watch you while I touch you. And if you wiggle and scream, I'm going to be there with that. And I'm going to try to be accepting that you're really fighting me. But I'm going to do this with you. But I might change my mind halfway through and it's possible that halfway through the diaper changing, I'll take a break and you can just lie there and be undiapered for a while.

[74:09]

We don't know what's going to happen now, but I think I am going to touch you And I'm sorry that you might not like this. I don't like to see you displeased. You respect this person, but you feel that you're going to give this gift and you're going to try to do it in an uncontrolling way. You're going to try to do it as much as possible to work together with them on this, including that they're saying, don't do this, I don't like this. You're going to try to respect them every moment of the way and try to convey to them better than them. but you feel that this is your gift, and you're trying to give every moment another gift, another touch, another turn of the cloth, another wipe of the diaper, another wipe of the bottom, another is a gift, a gift, a gift, and you're paying attention to them while you give it.

[75:26]

And they feel, not only they feel this thing being given to them, but they feel you're being careful. On some level, their brilliant bodies are absorbing your respect and your care and your patience too. But you're being patient because this is an uncomfortable process because they're expressing their displeasure with you. It's painful to hear them scream. it's comfortable to be working with their little body wiggling all over the place. But you are being generous, and you are not trying to manipulate them, and you are paying attention, and you're being patient and present with the discomfort of the situation, with their discomfort and your discomfort, bringing benefit to this little body. afflicted creature this little suffering creature they're uncomfortable they're uneducated they don't know how to practice these beneficial practices and you're teaching them how to practice ethics and patience you're teaching them how to do it and in your heart there's a joy too that you're doing a very difficult job of teaching this beginner in the Buddha way

[76:54]

this is your baby little student here, and they're getting the best education you can at the same time taking care of their body, which you feel you need to do so that they can grow up to be a Buddha. Otherwise they'll, you know, they may die of an infection if you don't keep them clean. And they don't understand this. Don't die of an infection so you're not really visually holding to that. You think it's probably a good idea. And sometimes they don't fight. Once in a while they let you do it and almost say thank you. I feel better now. I was actually kind of uncomfortable now that I look at my situation. It was irritating to have all that acidy stuff on my butt. But you're giving them lesson after lesson and little babies and older people too are ignorant.

[77:58]

They're ignorant. They don't understand. And it doesn't mean they should be degraded. It means you should give them education. You should teach ignorant people how to... You should show them what generosity is like. You should show them what ethics is like. You should show them what patience is like. They can see it. it's being transmitted to them. You're drawing them into the practice so that they can be free of suffering. Now, no, maybe not, but they can get benefit and they can have welfare and they're graduating for wisdom. And this is a much harder job than just overpowering a little creature and getting that diaper off and on. That's not what we want to teach them. That's just going to make them more, you know, just feed their and feed their affliction if we just try to control them.

[79:05]

Because they're trying to control us. They know how, little tiny creatures, ignorant creatures know how to try to control big creatures. Just fight back, scream. They got these powerful little voices. They can You go into an assisted living place and you don't hear the residents screaming unless they're really upset. It's pretty quiet. You go into a playground, it's really very noisy. These little tiny creatures have these powerful screech boxes. They use it to try to control their parents and caregivers. They really fight for the right to control. And that's, they're ignorant. So you have to care for them, not have to, you can and at the same time convey these practices and show them that you're not trying to control them, you're serving them.

[80:08]

You're being generous with them and you're giving how you feel and what you think is best and you're not attached to that and in the next moment you do it again. And it's constantly changing. And your level of wisdom is all you can give. And if you're not a fully enlightened being, you're giving a less than fully enlightened lesson. But you do the best lesson you can to the little person. And it's nice if their caregiver is a Buddha, but not everybody has a Buddha caring for them. But at least they have somebody who's trying to do these practices. and who even tells them when they get a little older, you know, I've been trying to do these practices with you, but I haven't been perfect. And then the child is moved to tears to hear her parent say, you know, I've been trying to do this, but I haven't really been able to.

[81:09]

But that's what I've been trying to do, and I will continue to try to do it. So with my daughter, I said that to her when she was old enough for me to realize my shortcomings in caring for her. My lack of presence with her, I could tell her, you know, I haven't really been present with you. She knew I loved her dearly, but she criticized me for not being present. And one way I wasn't present was that I was in the mountains instead of being with her. But sometimes even when I would say, Dad, and I would hear her, but I wouldn't say, What? She'd have to say, Dad, louder. So somehow I didn't say yes fast enough for her to feel my presence. So then when she got bigger I could apologize for that. And now with her son she can see me answering him faster than I answer her. And she can feel that I'm doing that partly to say, you know, I didn't practice these practices

[82:14]

perfectly with you but now I'm trying to do it with him and she can see I'm trying again through him to to heal my lack of presence with her and then again and again and again to keep keep our practice with everybody, the littlest ones and the oldest ones. So it's just a wonderful opportunity, but it's difficult. And there's sorrow involved, but it's an indispensable dimension of ethical training, is to feel some sorrow when we're not present with the people we really want to be present with. And to feel sorrow when instead of being, we get impatient because they're screaming and switch from generosity to control.

[83:26]

We're missing these practices. And then to feel sorrow. And you don't have to wait until the kid's grown up to tell them, you know, Mommy, sorry, she lost her patience. She doesn't want to do that. But I did lose my patience, and I don't want to do that anymore, and I'm going to try to be more patient when you're screaming. And, you know, you don't have to say it, but you might even say, and I would like you to learn patience, too. But I realized I have to learn it first because how do you know what patience is unless somebody shows you? And I wasn't a good example a few minutes ago. I want to be a good example. I want to show you how to be patient when you're uncomfortable. And I was uncomfortable because you were screaming or you were being mean to your brother. And I lost my patience, and I'm sorry.

[84:38]

And you can say it to little, and you can say it to kids when they're really big. And again, when you say it, be present with them when you say it. And then you notice that they have trouble being present with you when you say it. They maybe look away when you're confessing that you're... because it's so intense. Again, they really want us to apologize. And when they get what they want, they can barely stand it. So they look away. So we're impatient with them not being able to tolerate the intensity of that intimacy because we know they're not able to. So it'll take them a while to even hear us when we're apologizing. And later, maybe they can later. So again, your question was kind of coming from among caregivers.

[85:42]

Basically, I would say, well, but with little people, you have to control them. So I kind of disagree. I think with little people, you... to control them because they're so vulnerable and so fragile that you think you have to control them. But actually they're both so vulnerable and fragile that it's even more important to not try to control them but to care for them. Their vulnerability is that they're also more susceptible to get the teaching of compassion rather than the teaching of control. It can come in, you know, at a very deep level at that age. They can learn it before they can even know what it is. And people tell parents, control your children.

[86:48]

They tell teachers, control your students. It's a bad, it's an uncompassionate message in some cultures. that people are to be cruel. That people say, be cruel to your students, be cruel to your daughter. Control her. Rather than, would you please be compassionate? Your daughter's doing this unwholesome thing over there. Would you please go and be compassionate to her? Would you please be generous to your delinquent kids? When they say, take care of your children, I think that's getting closer. Would you please take care of your children? I don't know what that is, but would you please take care of them? They obviously control them to stop that. But you can't. But you can take care of your children.

[87:51]

You can take care of people, but you can't control them. And if you try, they'll show you that that's a mistake. It's a sad thing when they're brutalized to such a point that they go along with being disrespected and with people who disrespect them and try to control them. Or even that they go along and say, yes, you have me under control. That's really tragedy. It's like that often. But among children who commit suicide, it's often children who that's the only thing they can do after letting their parents control them.

[88:53]

Only way that they can get out of that coercion. I've been living with a precept the translation I learned was a disciple of the Buddha does not take what is not given and at first when I heard that I thought that makes sense if you turned away and I wanted to sneak up and grab that water from you that would

[90:53]

that wouldn't be so okay. I felt like probably that's not a good idea. If everybody else left the room and then I could sneak. It's also not water. There were some pitfalls in my early assumptions. And then there was a period of time when I took the point of view that everything, a more absolute point of view, like if there's this universe where there's so much and then things are happening on these great cosmic time and space and maybe a little bit of water moving one direction or another direction or tea or perhaps a lovely little cup, or something that would be tempting. Maybe it wouldn't make that much difference if the cup was, say, 12 feet one direction or the other direction.

[91:59]

Or maybe even that idea of... Like if I had a desire for that tea... maybe I could just feel like, well, the whole thing is so large that if I see the tea 12 feet away, cosmic scale, it's close enough. So my desire might be satisfied. Still, I might not have had a conversation with you. And lately I've been thinking a disciple of the Buddha does not take what is not given and is an opportunity like last night when you were describing these circles of giving and how it's almost like you could see it's this activity could be one thing and viewed from different points of view, a giver, a gift. a receiver and, and you could almost take any situation and, and turn it so that you could, so that one could experience all sides of it, maybe even at the same time.

[93:13]

Um, but I was thinking there's something, uh, and, and I think what I was saying about myself always preferred to keep myself a little distant from a situation. However, if I, um, I might enjoy then saying to you something like, I feel a small desire for that cup of tea, some tea. Then that would open up a conversation and I could learn how to talk and maybe act in this world. I was waiting to see if there was a question in that.

[94:16]

I think there is, but I can't see it right now. I'm not sure if there's a gift, though. Maybe so. When we feel a little distant from somebody, or a lot distant, or a tiny bit distant from somebody, the first practice to become free of that sense of distance is giving. So again, to say, also if you feel distant from a cup of tea, which you think was given to somebody else, the first step to realize intimacy with that cup of tea and with that person is to practice giving.

[95:29]

So if you say, and also you might feel, since you feel some distance from the person or the tea, you might to be closer to the tea or the person. But also when you feel distant from people, you might feel a desire to get farther away from them. If you get farther away from them, you might feel that the pain of the distance would be reduced. Like sometimes you feel distant from somebody. I would say that whenever we feel distant from anybody or anything, we feel uncomfortable. So affliction is natural for sentient beings because sentient beings feel separate from things. And in their affliction, they have desires like wanting to get something or wanting to push something away. So when we feel separate from each other or the world, we are deluded.

[96:34]

Or when we feel separate and we believe it, we are deluded, afflicted. That is the source of our suffering. And in that suffering and affliction, delusion we desire to get farther away from things that we feel uncomfortable with or get closer to them in hopes that we'll feel less affliction if we get farther away from the things we feel separate from or closer to so that's again normal situation for sentient beings is to feel discomfort in a world that we're separate we feel separate from and believe it's separate First practice to overcome this affliction, to bring, actually first practice to bring benefit to the situation is to practice giving. And the giving could be the gift of a question. May I have some tea? May I come closer to you? How about may I move farther away from you? people sometimes come to see me and they say may I move farther away from you because when they come they come out of their way miles away they come and then they get close to me and then they say can I get farther from you they travel and then they come into the building and then they come into the little room and then they're in this little tiny room with me and we're pretty close

[98:09]

They say, can I get farther away? And I say, but when they ask to get farther away, I hope that they also realize that the gift, that their question is a gift. They also sometimes say, may I come closer? But is the getting farther away a manipulation or a gift? Is the coming closer a manipulation or a gift? You want the question, may I come closer to be beneficial, let it be a gift. So that when you ask if you can have some tea, you ask that as a gift to the universe, but also to me and to the tea. If you want to get farther away from me, ask me, or you tell me. I want to get farther away from you, but when you say I want to get farther away from you, you do that as a gift. It's fine for you to tell me you want to be farther away from me.

[99:11]

I hope that you do it as a gift, not as a manipulation. It's fine for you to say, I want your tea. You can say that, but I hope that you say it as a gift to the situation. Then you're doing the thing which will overcome the sense of separation. this morning I got two people came to see me and told me they said I like your socks or I like those socks I wonder when they said that if they thought that was a gift I'm going to give him a gift I like of saying, I like those socks.

[100:13]

I wonder if they thought, I think they almost could realize that the socks were a gift to them. Like, oh, thank you for this. Just to see the socks was a gift. And I just looked down at the bottom of this sock and I noticed it's wearing out. Soon these socks will have holes in them. But maybe I should keep They seem to be gifts to people. These socks seem to bring joy to the world. Yeah, look at them. They're really something, these socks. Yeah, right. So anyway, gift, [...] gift. And let's plunge into this ocean of gifts, an ocean of receivers, an ocean of givers, the ocean of gift-giving, plunging into that ocean and make sure all actions, all thoughts, all feelings, all experiences are remembered, to remember giving.

[101:36]

Do you remember? Gift. For everything. This will heal the delusion of separation. But even before that delusion is healed, it starts to bring benefit to the situation. Even while we still feel separate. The gift... ...cups and socks and people. it starts to bring benefit and it starts to get us ready for plunging into the reality that we're not separate, that we're intimate. So, it isn't exactly, I would say, every time you feel that you want my tea, you should say, I want your tea. You should say every time, but... I do say that every time you want my tea, that you try to be mindful that wanting the tea is a gift. And if you remember that when you want the tea, if you remember wanting the tea is a gift, then you might be able to tell me that you want the tea as a gift.

[102:48]

And I do say, please practice giving all the time. I do say that. I don't say go around telling everybody that you want their tea necessarily. But if it's a gift, practice the giving. But it doesn't mean that you, again, that you give the gift. You might say, I have a gift for you. Would you like it? And the person might say, no. So then you don't say, I want your tea. If they say yes, say, my gift is, I want your tea. And my gift is, please give me your tea. Thank you for this tea. Would you like some of this tea, Susan? Thank you. May I give you the gift of that question?

[103:54]

You don't want some tea? Thank you for passing on the tea. It's become rather cold now. There's a hole in the tea. yes uh years ago about um i guess changing babies diapers it brought up for me um a couple years I spent, uh, three or four years I spent taking care of my mother when she was old and had dementia.

[104:57]

And, uh, and I was thinking about, you know, how she would protest when I changed her diapers. And, uh, and, uh, The particular situation, this was my mother. She had been a smart, capable adult person. That's how I knew her. And then I had to change her diapers. And so that contrast, it was always... This place of wanting to continue to respect her and to treat her with respect. And it's kind of hard in that situation, but it's also very alive. And then I appreciated just now the great gift that she gave me of becoming old and demented.

[106:08]

So I could change her diapers and try each moment to respect her and to not control her even though I had to change her diapers. You thought you had to change her diapers. Yeah, I thought I had to change her diapers. I thought I did. Treat that thought as a gift. It was all a gift. And I think from my position and from maybe other people's position, it might have looked like I was the one suffering and she was the one getting taken care of. But I see this reversal. I think she suffered a lot to give me the gift she gave me. And I was only fortunate.

[107:12]

Pardon? I was only fortunate in the situation. Only fortunate. Thank you. Interesting topic. You know, most of you don't think you have to change my diapers, right? Matter of fact, my diapers are not called diapers, they're called underwear, right? They're not thick cotton to absorb lots of stuff. So mostly I put on my diapers and I take them off myself at this point. The thought occurred to me that one might want to practice putting on diapers while you're still of age to learn how to put on diapers yourself so that as you need them, you would be able to do it yourself so you would avoid having other people put your diapers on for you, which might be quite embarrassing.

[108:33]

But in a way, I feel like, no, no. the situation where other people are going to put your diapers on for you but still you might say i still would like to learn how to put my diapers on but not so that other people won't do it but just as another skill set On my own diapers, I might be able to help somebody else. Anyway, not to avoid the embarrassment of somebody else putting my diapers on, so I'm contemplating being generous and welcoming of the situation where if I need diapers, I could welcome somebody else assisting me in putting them on. But still, I think it would be good for that person and me, but particularly for them, if they would be respectful when they put my diapers on and asked me, Mr. Anderson, are you ready for your diapers to be changed? We think you need your diapers changed.

[109:35]

We think it would be good to change your diapers. Are you ready for us to do that? In your experience of me, am I still of sound body in mind? And then I say, yes, sir, you are. He said, well, I would actually like you not to change my diapers. I know they're wet, but I'd rather have you not do it because I'm writing a book. Or I'm in the middle of a lecture to thousands of people. I'd like to just think, you know, I know you have a monitor that senses that they've been soiled, but I'd like to finish this talk before you change. Is that all right? The person might say, okay. one of Susan's friends had a mother like most of your friends and her mother went to the dentist one time and she hadn't gone to the dentist one time but finally her daughter Susan's friend got her to go to the dentist and she didn't like going to the dentist she was an older person at the time but she went to the dentist because her daughter kind of pressured her to go so she went there and she sat in the dentist chair

[110:55]

It wasn't actually a dentist, a dental hygienist. And she was having her teeth cleaned. She said, that's it, I've had it. And she left. She didn't like having her teeth cleaned. She did it for her daughter, but that was enough. And she was respected and allowed to leave the hygienic situation. It reminds me of the first President Bush of this country. He didn't like broccoli. And somehow that became known. And the broccoli farmers... were kind of upset that the president mentioned that he didn't like broccoli. So the Broccoli Association or whatever hired all these top chefs to make the most delicious broccoli dishes that they could think of to interest the president in broccoli.

[112:08]

It was a big campaign to get him to. And I must admit I had some problems with the way he was president. retrospect, he was great. At the time, I thought, I have some problems. I'm not so happy with the way he's being the president. But when he said, then he said, he was being interested about the broccoli situation. He said, I'm 65 years old. I'm the president of the United States. I think I have the right to not like broccoli. And I thought, yes, you do. You should be allowed to not eat broccoli and not have to eat, you know, I have to eat broccoli because of the effect on the broccoli farmers. That's too much for me. I don't, you know, I'm not going. Well, maybe I actually will, just to help the broccoli farmers.

[113:09]

But I'm not going to say I like it. And if I want to wince when I eat it, I thought, yes, you have that right. Even if you're the president, you don't like broccoli if you don't. And so do other people. And if you don't want your diapers changed, you can say, I don't want my diapers changed. If I don't want my diapers changed, I think I should be allowed to say it. Please do not change my diapers now. I know it's been a long time since they were changed, but I don't want them changed. And I think I should be respected. If I'm in sound body and mind, I think I should be respected. And if I'm not in sound body and mind, I think I should be respected. However, if I'm in sound body and mind, I'll be flexible about that. And I'll say, I don't want my diapers changed. And you can say to me, oh yes you do.

[114:11]

And I can say, you're right. Sound body and mind means I state the truth of who I am. I'm just giving you a gift. I don't want you to change my diapers now. And you say, oh yes, you do. And you come over and you lovingly wrestle me to the ground. It may take several of you. But you get me to the ground and you pull off my diapers and you put on your diapers. And it's a very loving marriage. And I'm happy and you're happy. Because I'm a sound body and mind. Which means I tell you where I'm at and I'm not attached to it. And you play with that. And we love each other. And we're all benefiting each other. I'm benefiting you by saying, I don't want it and being flexible. And you benefit me by telling me what you want and being flexible. And we do this beneficial dance. And I let you go to breakfast.

[115:12]

You have my support when you're going to breakfast. And I also want to point out that we have a beautiful Buddha here. Reclining. Anybody wants to copy this guy? If you want to copy this guy, you see what to do. Here. You don't have to get to six before you lie down.

[115:52]

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