I'm interested in two words you're using today, happiness and peace. It was on? No, it's on. Happiness and peace, yes. And what does happiness not have that you needed to put the word peace there too? And when you say peace... what was missing that you needed to have the word happiness? Well... the... so one... one kind of... what's the word... it's kind of a philosophical suggestion is that nirvana which is the cessation of suffering isn't just, you know, nothing. It's peace.

[01:01]

And in order to realize peace, you sort of need to be a little bit happy. in order to do the work, the peace work. So the peace has some energy in it and you need energy to get to the peace. You need to sort of be happy about doing the work of being present with people who are struggling with really difficult questions of life and death. You sort of have to be happy about that because it's really hard work. So you need some happiness there with that or some joy in the rurk, which brings peace. So it's not exactly that. Some people might think peace is bland, but there's a there's a bliss in nirvana, too. And it's a happiness that's stable. It's not permanent, but it's not a kind of like, yeah, it's a stable happiness.

[02:10]

It's a way of life that's peaceful and a stable happiness. So again, when you say nirvana's peace, some people might think, well, would you actually be joyful, too? And the answer is yes. Thank you. You're welcome. I have one other offering. Okay. I didn't read that Camus quote in high school, but some time ago I heard another one like that with quite a different twist, and it's Einstein, who, if I remember correctly, he said the fundamental question, and I don't know if he said to consider or to answer, is whether or not the universe is benign. And that's quite a different question. And given it's coming from Einstein, I've been thinking a lot about that. And I just wanted to offer that into the conversation.

[03:11]

Thank you. You're welcome. Please come. I was wondering Well, first of all, it seems that the question, is life worth living, is an existential question. It's a big question. And when you were talking, it was occurring to me that a more natural question for me from a Buddhist perspective that parallels the existential question is, is this moment worth living?

[04:15]

Is this moment? Is this moment worth living? Mm-hmm. which is about consciousness. Is this life worth living? It's a very big question. And it brings to mind having a big meal and trying to take it all in one bite. And it's challenging. Did you say challenging? It's challenging. It can be challenging. And for somebody who is perhaps having a hard time with their life, it could be any of us at points in our life, or it could be one person for a lot of their life, that maybe they're trying to take the meal in too big a bite, and that perhaps you can take the moment and the bite a little smaller. Right. Yeah. And that practice is the practice of patience.

[05:17]

is to bring the great challenge into the smallest possible bite. So that the great challenge, the great question, the great pain, you're dealing with it in a manageable size. So patients, you're just dealing with this moment of pain. You're not thinking about how long it's been going on and how long it will go on. And then if you can deal with this one and this one, So people who are asking these big questions and are practically overwhelmed by them, one of the ways to be with them is to invite them to deal with their question now. How is it right now? And then you might find that that's a more workable way to be with the question. Thank you. Yes, please come. Um, so we were having a discussion outside about, uh, is life worth living?

[06:35]

Um, question. And, um, I was kind of thinking to myself that it was somewhat a dangerous question. I don't know. Because... I have been, and I know people who have been in a state of thinking that it's not worth living. And if that question's asked, it could push them over the edge. So, I was thinking that, well, my cousin was saying that a better question is, how can you make life worth living? Yeah. So your cousin thought that was a good question, how can you make life worth living? Yeah. Well, I'm not in a position to judge questions, but rather to meet whatever questions are given to me.

[07:40]

So Camus gave me that question, and being a person that, well, being a person I heard the question and I was wondering how to deal with it. Now your cousin is giving another question. How do you make life worth living? And so that's the question. But I don't know if I'm sort of I don't know if I'm into making life worth living but rather I'm interested in how to be at peace with life. But if somebody is trying to make life worth living I want to be with that person in a peaceful and harmonious way. And if somebody's asking me another question, I want to find a way to be peaceful with that person. And whatever questions are arising in my mind, whether other people have them or not, I guess I want to find a peaceful way to be with the questions that I have. And some questions may be judged better than others, but my

[08:45]

And my vow is to be with all the questions. Because questions are living beings. So I vow to be with all the living beings with all their questions. So do you think that your question is dangerous at all? I think questions, generally speaking, I think questions are dangerous. potentially because questions can disturb people's equilibrium. Even though the equilibrium might be to be kind of sunk into despair, it's possible that a question could shock them into doing something unwholesome. It is possible. So that's why I was kind of looking for the right time to share this question. You're welcome, thank you for your expression. Yes, please come.

[09:50]

Okay, well, I'm just turned 17 and I've noticed... You just turned 17? Yeah, I've noticed that a lot of people my age have issues with control. I think that's a big... Can you say it again? Control. A lot of people your age are... Have issues with control. Issues with control, yeah. Yeah, controlling themselves, controlling their situations, and... People trying to control them. Yes, definitely. But the question that you brought up, is life worth living? Most people think of that more, can they control themselves, you know? like people control how they live, but if they have, if they are at loss, either mentally in their head or other people are taking away their control, see that as a, it's a barrier to find the answer to that question. And what is the question? Is life worth living? Is life worth living? is life worth living?

[11:09]

And you're saying if people are getting into control issues that makes it harder to deal with the question? Yes. I agree. So again, it's not so much to... I'm not so concerned with like answering that question. I'm concerned with how to care for the question. How to care for people who have that question so that they can, even while they have the question, they can be at peace with that question which is a manifestation of life. and getting into trying to controlling ourselves, I don't think that's the way to be with questions. I don't think that's generous. For me to try to control myself, I don't think it's generous. And to be careful doesn't have to be the same as trying to control myself. Like to drive carefully doesn't necessarily mean I'm trying to control the car. I'm just trying to drive the car in an appropriate way. Sometimes if you're driving on a windy road and you really get into control you get paralyzed and drive off the road because you can't adjust to change.

[12:19]

So I think that control is an issue and that all should be dealt with. That should be dealt with in the same way as questions. Namely we should be gracious with the issue of control. And being gracious with the issue of control means let go of trying to control. And let go of trying to control yourself and let go of trying to control others. Practice generosity rather than trying to control life. What would you have to say to people who have, like, mental illnesses and they cannot control themselves? Like, would you say they still can? Would I say that they can control themselves? Yeah. I don't think that anybody can control themselves. I don't think people that are so-called mentally sane are... I think the sane people are people who do not spend much of their effort trying to control themselves.

[13:25]

The most sane people I know, controlling themselves is not their job. That's not what they're working on. They're working on trying to be kind to people and listen to people and let people be the way they are. So if somebody's mentally ill, it's possible that someone who is generous with them could awaken generosity in them and they could allow themselves and they could open to the possibility that they're sick, that they're suffering. Because somebody else is with them who's open to their suffering and not trying to get them to not be sick, not be the way they are. to join them and stand with them and show them how to be with pain. That's what they need, is someone to show them that. And it may take lots of attempts for them to understand that what's being shown to them is not that somebody's trying to get them to be some other way than they are. But somebody's helping them be the way they are and find out that there's something good about that. There's something sweet and generous about allowing somebody who's really distressed, really afraid, really confused, to support them to be confused.

[14:38]

Because they are. But now they're not alone by themselves being confused. Somebody's standing with them who's not afraid of their confusion. and is going to be with them no matter how confused they get. And maybe ask them to do stuff like, would you be willing to take a walk with me? Or would you please eat? But not to control them, but just, I'd like you to eat. Would you do me a favor? And the person would say, no. Say, okay, I'm still here. So I think of this example that comes to my mind as this person, this... I don't know what you call him, a person, his name was... Milton Erickson. And he himself was at that, you know, he was, I don't know, forgot he was, does anybody know, did he have polio or something? Anyway, he himself was a cripple. But he was also what you might call a healer. So he went to the I think the state mental hospital in Arizona is in Las Vegas, Arizona, maybe?

[15:48]

What? No, there's another Las Vegas where the mental hospital is. And I think it's in Arizona or New Mexico. In New Mexico. So he went to the state mental hospital in Las Vegas. New Mexico, and there was a patient there. He visited many patients, but there was one patient who thought he was Jesus. And he wouldn't relate to anybody who wouldn't accept that he was Jesus. And most of the psychiatrists would not accept that he was Jesus. Milton Erickson went up to him and said, I understand you're a carpenter. And the guy said, that's right. And Milton Erickson says, would you build me some bookshelves? And the guy built him bookshelves. He still thought he was Jesus.

[16:51]

However, somebody could accept that he thought he was Jesus and relate to him according to his world. and get him to do something in the ordinary world. So he was accepted, he still thought he was Jesus, but he could work with people who didn't think he was Jesus. Because he didn't require everybody to agree with his delusion, with his version of himself. So like, I think I'm a good guy, okay? And I'm kind of rigid about that, maybe. And I won't talk to anybody who doesn't agree. Well, then I'd be put in mental hospital. But if I say, I think I'm a good guy and I'm attached to it, But I'm willing to relate to people who disagree with me. Then I can live in society and build bookshelves. So the guy was dismissed. He wasn't totally enlightened by that. But somebody could relate to him. Somebody could be generous and be with him like, I understand you're a carpenter. Could find a way to be with him and accept him. Because, in fact, the guy was a carpenter.

[17:56]

And he could build bookshelves. I don't know how good they were. But he found a way. So somebody who's mentally ill, it isn't that the psychiatrists are coming and trying to control him. But Milton Erickson didn't try to control him. He joined him. A healthy person, a generous person, a fearless person, a person who wasn't afraid to be a cripple, goes and heals people. Because he's crippled and he accepts his cripple. illness, and he accepts other people's illness. So he teaches them how to accept their illness. If you accept your illness, you may still be ill, but you also can be at peace. We can be at peace with being sick if we're generous towards it and careful of it. You've also got to be careful if you're sick, like wear a hat or something. You know, take your medications or whatever because you're careful. And be patient with your illness. Somebody has to teach people who are not mentally healthy, which is almost everybody, how to be compassionate towards the illness rather than try to get sick people to control them out of being sick.

[19:09]

rather teach them how to be compassionate towards their sickness by being compassionate towards their sickness until they learn how to do it with themselves and others, then we have what's called a peaceful situation. Thank you. You're welcome. I'm hungry, therefore I eat. Zen priests eat when they're hungry. one of our practices. I do it too. Then you're just like me. Want some? No, thank you. I already had one. Thank you. Welcome to being you. Thank you. And thank you for your talk this morning. I really, it was like one of those moments when the right words were being said.

[20:14]

Great. Yeah, thank you. So I feel I have a situation coming up where I really would like to be able to travel that path between self-denial, which I'm really good at, and it's not quite the right words, but self-righteousness. Can I say something? Yes. It's not really the... the path between self-denial and self-concern. It's the path between addiction to self-denial, habitual self-denial. Self-denial is sometimes a good thing. You know, like somebody says, would you share your lunch with me? And you say, well, I actually wanted the whole thing, but yeah, sure, you can have part of it. You kind of deny. You do it for the other, but not habitually. It's the habitual. Sometimes self-denial is good. Sometimes, yeah, putting my interest aside for yours, sometimes that's really good.

[21:17]

Sometimes it really makes me happy and you happy. Sometimes it's really peaceful. So it's not really between self-denial and self-indulgence. It's between the addictions. Either one could sometimes be good. But sometimes you're brushing your teeth and I say, could you please help me? And you say, sure. What do you want? Well, would you please come outside? The house is on fire. Let's go. You know? Be ready to be flexible. Be ready to be flexible, yeah. So you're doing something for yourself or you're doing something for others, but flexibility should be there. Otherwise, it's probably an addiction. Hmm. But again, the Buddha didn't say he found the middle way between self-denial and self-sense pleasure. He said he found the middle way between the addiction to those, the habit of those two habits.

[22:21]

Because sometimes the Buddha did take care of himself. He like ate food. And sometimes he didn't eat food and he gave his food to somebody else. So it's doing what's appropriate. Okay. So I just want to make that point. Excuse me. I'm glad you did. Thank you. That's good. So I'm nervous about handling myself well and really keeping in mind that the outcome I want is peaceful and harmonious. Yeah. so part of handling yourself well is to take care of yourself in such a way that you can remember what's important to you that's part of taking care of yourself well but that's also part of taking care of me and everybody else well that you remember what's important for you if what's important to you is to have peaceful relationships with everybody then you remembering that helps us and of course helps you so part of it

[23:30]

part of doing both of those things is to somehow learn how to remember what the main point is, which means you have to keep asking yourself, what's the main point? What's the central, what's the point that I will be apropos to? I have to remember over and over again, apropos to the point of what? Oh, the point is peace. Oh yeah, right, okay. So having a conversation with them, and I disagree with them, Namely I think I'm right and they're wrong. But what's the point? The point is not for me to be right, although I do like that. And the point is not for me to be wrong, although I don't particularly like it. The point is to have peace. So if I'm having a conversation with you and I think I'm right and you're wrong, that's not as important as peace. So I would be then open to the possibility of being flexible about me being right.

[24:32]

And if you say to me, you know, you're wrong, I might say, I'm open to that. I'm not saying, yes, I am wrong, but I could say that, okay, I'm wrong. But really what I mean is I'm open to being wrong. I'm open to that I could be. It's true, I might be wrong. I'm open to that. Ouch. Ouch, yeah. I'm open to pain. There is pain. There is pain. And part of finding peace when there's pain is being gracious with the pain. If we have pain and we are not gracious with it, that is not conducive to, I say, is not conducive to peace. But also indulging in pain and holding on to the pain and overemphasizing the pain might also not be really gracious. Gracious is like welcome And then that's it, not welcome, I gotcha. So you need to learn how to take care of this stuff.

[25:35]

But you have to keep remembering, what's the point again? What's the main point? Oh yeah, peace. Peace and harmony with beings. That's a higher priority than being right. And if I may take just one more, is there a time when you can say, well, It's not necessarily going to resolve itself. Is there a time when I might have to accept that it's not going to come to a peaceful resolution and that maybe I need to leave neither touch nor turn away? But I don't know, how do you sort of accept that? Okay, this person and I are not going to continue a relationship in the same way that we have and I maybe just need to let it go. Is that turning away or is that... Doesn't have to be. Again, you said, is there a time for accepting that maybe this relationship will not find a peaceful condition?

[26:38]

I propose to myself and to you that being open to that our relationship may not be peaceful is conducive to peacefulness. to be close to the possibility that we will never find peace, to be close to that obstructs realization of peace. If I feel that we have not yet arrived at peace and I'm open to that, that I feel like we have not yet arrived at peace, that promotes peace. And if a thought would arise, we're not in a peaceful relationship now, and maybe we never will be, again, that's like the question, is life worth living? Because if there would never be peace, then one might say, well, if there's never going to be peace, is life worth living? Right? Especially if there'll never be peace with somebody who I so much want peace with. Is life worth living then?

[27:42]

So I'm not saying answer the question, but be open to that question. And be with that question in a compassionate way. Don't touch that question. Don't touch the question. Don't grasp the question. We'll never be at peace. I think you said... Could we accept and open to that possibility? Yes, that would be conducive to peace. And if I think or you think, we definitely will find peace together, I think we should be open to that kind of talk too. Or, this is peace, you know. And you might feel like, well, I don't think so, but I'm open to him saying that. That I think is conducive to peace. And if I say, this is peace, and I'm open to that what I said could be true, that's good. But I'm also open, if you say, this is not peace, I'm also open to that. Like, I say, this is peace, you say, this is not peace, and I say, this is not peace.

[28:47]

And you smile. And I think, wow, this might really be peace. This looks better than the other one that I had before. You seem to be sharing with me. How nice. Yeah. But there needs to be flexibility to have peace. But flexibility doesn't mean you can't say things really strongly. Oh, this is peace. This is happiness. People can talk like that. We let people, we let little macho creatures talk like that. Oh, yeah, hi, hi. Little macho creature. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Yes. Yes. Please come. Will you permit me to offer a poem? Will I?

[29:50]

Yes. I will permit you. Okay. Here we go. I'm listening. Okay. Well, this poem was given to me when I was struggling with this question. And since then, I've set it to music. And it's a Keats poem. And it goes... It's called On His Blindness. What's it called again? On His Blindness. Of? On. On His Blindness. Yes. The topic is His Blindness. Yes. Okay. And it goes, when I consider how my light is spent. have my days in this dark world and wide and that one talent which is death to hide is lodged with me useless but my soul is more bent to serve there with my maker and present my true account lest he returning chide

[30:58]

does god exact a labor light denied but patience to prevent that murmur soon replied god does not need man's gifts nor his own works they who bear his mild yoke they serve best and best His state is kingly, thousands at his bidding speed. They serve also who only sit and wait. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, please come. I'm thinking about the question somebody is asking, is life worth living?

[32:06]

That question would not be asked unless the person is coming from pain. So I actually want to turn the question more towards pain. I can understand how Coming from there, there are certain strategies you can use to maybe to help do something wholesome, eat well, exercise, work on your relationships. But it seems also there's a point where strategizing and trying to manipulate your life circumstances is an escape from pain rather than dealing with pain. Is an attempt to escape. An attempt to escape. I stand corrected. Not corrected, just complimented. Well, no, I agree. Your version is better. Why, thank you. So I wonder if you can talk about just being with pain. Right. But being with pain, in a way that isn't morbid or self-destructive, but just being with pain and not trying to wriggle out of it and manipulate things in order to anesthetize yourself to it.

[33:20]

Exactly. How to be with pain in a way that's not harmful. Right. So again, like I said, pain is another. Pain is a fire. It's a massive fire. And to touch it is not appropriate. But to turn away from it is not either. If you touch it, you get burned. If you turn away, you freeze. So how can we be with pain in a way that's conducive to happiness? Well, number one is be generous towards it. which doesn't mean I like you or dislike you, it just means, as you said, you're just present with it and open to it, and you even say, welcome. Not I like you, but welcome. Welcome, pain. Thank you, pain. Not I like you, but thank you for giving me a chance to practice generosity.

[34:24]

The pain can be there, but this generosity can grow alongside of it. And in the generosity, there's great joy starts to grow up and fearlessness. So there's pain, but when there's great generosity with it, the pain doesn't necessarily go away, but there's a joy growing right next to it. Can you explain what being generous to pain means? Well, if you see pain in yourself or others... Like if you see a child who's in pain, generous towards it means you let that child who's in pain into your life. You say, I'm here with you. I'm not going away. But you don't stick your head into the pain. You're just present with the pain. And you tell that person that you're going to stay with them. Moment after moment, you're going to be there with them, even though they're in pain. And if they keep being in pain, you're going to stay there with them.

[35:27]

You're going to keep giving your presence to them. So they're not alone. How about if the pain is within yourself rather than with somebody else? Same. I start with a child because people are sometimes willing to be present with children's pain. But with some adults' pain, they say no. Or with their own, they say no. So I started with an easy example for a child. The same with yourself. However, there are times when the pain is so strong that you have trouble saying welcome. That's why we also need to be careful of the pain. And patient. We need the skill of patience, too. But the patience is based on the generosity. So I... I've had pains that are coming, you know, and I wanted to welcome them, but at a certain point they got so big I realized I couldn't say welcome. In other words, my patience wasn't strong enough, which relates to your point. When really big pain comes, you really have to take it in tiny, tiny, tiny bites.

[36:34]

But if you can take really tiny bites of big pain, you can sit there with it. But you can't take three minutes of big pain or even a minute and a half or even 20 seconds of big pain. But you might be able to take just a moment. So we train with pain. First of all, being willing to admit that it's happening. Let it into my life. Then be careful of it. Try to practice not killing towards it. Try to practice not stealing from it. Try to practice not intoxicating yourself around it. Try to not hate it, and so on. Be careful of it, and then be patient with it. These are the first three practices to use to apply to very difficult questions, painful questions, and also painful emotions, painful sensations. I have just a couple of questions based upon what you just said.

[37:37]

The pain is really enormous. How do you break it down to little pieces? And also, can I just ask my second question? How can you not hate the pain? How can you not hate it? Yeah. Yeah, so number one is we have sashins here, as you know, and we sit. And sometimes when we're sitting we get somewhat uncomfortable. And we learn that... And sometimes we sit for like... Sometimes we have seven-day sittings where we sit most of the day. And particularly like the second and third days a lot of people get more uncomfortable than on the first day. And sometimes on the second or third day people think... oh, there's three or four more days coming. And when they think that, they might notice that suddenly the pain flares up and becomes stronger when they think of four more days of it.

[38:41]

So we can learn by working with being present with pain, in other words, practicing patience, we can learn that if you have a discomfort and you think about how long it's been going on, it's more uncomfortable. Even though you're experiencing it right now, If you think, oh my gosh, this has been going on for 10 minutes, it's more painful than if you just deal with it now. And then if you think, well, how much longer is it going to go on? What if it goes on for another hour? You know, you can really freak out. Because then not only do you have pain, but now you have fear too. And aggravation. And even like looking for somebody to blame, who set up this situation anyway? Who started this retreat? Anyway, to be present with patience helps you also not hate the pain. But if you start thinking about pain in too big a picture, even small pains, if you think about how long they've been going on, can be overwhelming. You know, pain, [...] pain.

[39:48]

Wait a minute. Even though they weren't so big, but when you start adding them up, they're overwhelming. So a big part of patience is to experience the pain in the present. And you can experience it in the present because it actually is being delivered in the present. But then you can use your imagination to make it much bigger than it is in the present and overwhelm yourself. When you apply your imagination, you've got the pain, then think about what if it continues, then you have pain getting bigger and also adding fear. So we learn, I've got enough problems. I've got enough problems. I don't have to think about future problems. I'm just going to work with this one. Matter of fact, all I can handle is my present problems. Some people maybe can handle future problems too, but not me. I'm just like really... right up to my limit, handling this one. I'm not too good, but I am here and I'm not freaked out and I'm not hating anybody because I'm practicing patience.

[40:52]

But you have to practice generosity first because you have to accept that you got it without arguing. And then bring it into the present. Your next question? No. I have lots of questions, but I'll turn the floor over to other people. Thank you for your questions. Well, thank you. You're welcome. I heard... Oh, no, it's only 12. We're allowed to go longer? Yes, please come. Did you find Rissa yet? No, we'll find her. This is an old friend. Wants to meet his old friend, Risa Chu. Yes. Thank you for your talk this morning. You're welcome. It was very precious to me. And I heard to many other people. I've noticed while listening to this question and answer period that there is a lot of talk about other people and hypothetical situations.

[42:00]

And I hope that everyone is comfortable talking about a real situation, somebody who's actually saying it. But for me, it's not hypothetical and it's not happening to somebody else. It's really me. So you're telling us about yourself now? Yes, and I'm hoping that people are comfortable because I've noticed... Yes. Is it okay if she talks about herself? Yes. Looks like they're allowing you. Okay, thank you. So I've been living with this question for a very long time, and just saying that means I'm referring to how long I've had that question, which is what you were just saying not to do. But... It's okay to notice that you've had a question for a long time. It's just to think about, you know, when you have a pain, to think about how long it's going on may not be helpful.

[43:03]

It might be like, again, what is the pain now? Yes. So let's work with that, shall we? Yes. Is there a pain now? Yes, an ache right here. Yeah, let's take care of that. And that's a... I have a pain back here. I think there's no problem with this pain right here. It's the chronic, it's the referring to how long it's been there, and it really is thinking about living with it forever that makes it feel like an enduring pain. Rather than living, it feels like enduring. So that's all about ways of thinking about this feeling. I can be with the feeling, but when I start thinking about the feeling... Yeah, so maybe you could just give me your feeling. I'll take care of your feeling. Give me your thinking. Hand your thinking over. And then you can keep feeling it, okay? And I'll take care of your thinking. Would you give it to me, please? Do you want me to tell you about it or let it go?

[44:05]

No, just give me all your thinking. Just hand it over and then you just work on feeling it and I'll take care of your thinking. Okay. And then you don't have to think any... You also don't have to think about what I do with your thinking. I've got it. So you can just work on feeling your pain. which is exactly what pain is asking you to do. It's asking you to feel it. But it's not asking you to think about it. Yes. So just let go of the thinking and do the feeling. Try that and see if you find peace. My shoulders are starting to relax. That's a positive indication. Yes. I'm noticing that I was kind of balled up around that pain. Good. So... So how do you want to, how do you actually, what kind of posture do you think would really be good to offer that pain?

[45:09]

Very relaxed. Yeah, relaxed. Being very relaxed around it. A relaxed posture with the pain, right? I agree. Yeah. That's... And I'm noticing my jaw was kind of real tight and sort of loosening up. Yes. My jaw is loosening too. I have a pain in my back that I'm doing the same thing with. During your talk this morning, I was remembering two things simultaneously, one really beautiful and one really terrible. And the terrible one was referring to how long the pain's been there, remembering falling off a diving board into an empty swimming pool when I was five and realizing that I had already stopped valuing my life. Or that would have never happened.

[46:14]

Because you were talking to a child about whether a child could think about this. And I think I needed somebody to talk to me about it back when I was a child. It would have been really good. But nobody realized what kind of a state I was in. And so I lived through falling into the empty swimming pool and continued my life, but I continued to carry that desperate worm thing. And I just kept hiding it. And I noticed that other behaviors started coming out that were destructive to me and that that was under there driving those behaviors. And then I watched my father drink himself to death. Can I say something? Yes. You say it was under there. Yes. So I'm saying now... that thing that was under there, let's address that now and take care of that now.

[47:17]

Yes. Because that didn't get taken care of then, so now let's take care of it. Yes. And what is it right now? Let's take care of it. It's... I can just not tighten up around it. You don't have to tell me. Just let's take care of it. And how are we going to take care of it? Tell me how you're taking care of it. You don't have to say what it is. Just how are you taking care of it? And it sounds like you're noticing that there's some tightness around it. Are you feeling like it would be good to relax around it? Yes. So you give it attention. You come and be with it and relax around it. So don't turn away from it and don't touch it. Just walk around it. Yes. So let's take care of this thing now, right? This thing that hasn't been taken care of. Before more assaults come to basically tell you, now will you take care of it?

[48:19]

Take care of it. Let's not take care of it. Take care of it. From now on, let's take care of it with these practices. I'm really working with taking care of it. Yeah, good. And definitely not ignoring it. Good. Bringing it out and being able to talk to people about it. Good. And talking to you about it. Yeah. And also, before you talked to me about it, you asked me if I was ready for it, didn't you? Yes. That's a good thing to do. to say, I would like to offer you an expression. Are you ready to it? Because I think you want to talk to people who will receive it. Yes. So that they can reflect back to you, you're receiving it. Yes, and also I tried to talk to people about it who, when it flew into a rage and attacked me, were talking about it. Yeah, so that shows you that actually, that partly shows you you have to be very careful about how you address this.

[49:21]

Yes. You can't just go and touch it, and you can't just shove it on other people. You have to say, okay, I want to deal with something. Are you ready to accompany me in addressing this expression? Can you handle it? Because some people can't. Yeah, you think you might be able to handle it. And they might say, well, what is it? Tell me a little bit about it before I commit to it. Yes. And some people you may tell and they say, actually, maybe tomorrow. Right now I don't feel up for it. This is a little bit too big for me. But tomorrow I'd be okay with it. Remember when I first spoke to you here in the question and answer and I said I was belly down? I was referring to finally feeling like there was somebody strong enough that I could bring all this out with, and that you as a teacher were mature and that I... But still, even though you think that about me... I still ask you. Still, each time, check. Because I could have a headache or something if you're like, you know, maybe not now, can you wait a little bit?

[50:25]

And you might say, okay, so check. You know, it's like, I often use the expression, it's like jumping rope together. I'm jumping rope, you know. Can I jump in with you? Well, watch the rope, you know. Now is not a good time. Now is. Now is not. Now is. We've got to do this, you know, get the timing. It's timing. Timing. It's part of being careful is timing. So I want to talk to you, but it's now a good time. That person say, not now, but now. Not now, but now. Okay, get the rhythm. Okay, ready, now. Okay, here we go. Now we're together. Now you can tell me. So you have to keep checking. Even with somebody who you've had successful meetings with in the past, don't assume that you're going to be able to have them again. The last time you got together, you made arrangements to have a meeting So you need to do it again, even though the last time was successful, the last time you were careful, now you have to be careful again.

[51:26]

Each time we meet, you have to be careful of each other. So don't let past successes with somebody cause you to skip over making the proper arrangements for the present meeting. Thank you. Yes, I understand, because even With you, it's more likely that you'd be available, but some people, if you're trying to talk with them, they're having a bad day. Yeah. Yeah. And if you ask, you find out, and you say, okay. And the next day you ask, and they say, today I'm ready. You say, okay. But then the next day, you have to check again. Yes. So now I'd like to check again with the group and see now that I've shared these things, did it turn out to be okay for people? yeah that's good to do check at the end too how'd that go any feedback on that you know and so on so I had a moment that I keep remembering where my life was so feeling worthwhile and I felt so good about being here in this body when my mother passed away she was 94 and I got to go and be with her right before she left this world and um

[52:43]

And I asked her, are you scared? Are you in pain? And she said, no, I'm fine. Even though she was really almost gone. And I looked her in the eye and I held her hands and I said, I'm a Buddhist, which I'd never told her before. I never told her that before because she's a Bible Christian and I didn't want her to worry about me. But I looked her in the eye and I said, and I believe that there is no death. And your body's just going to fall away and you're going to go straight to God. And she told me that she experienced walking down the hallway, out the back door, and into blazing sunlight. And there was nothing but sunflowers for a while. And then she went away. So I just, this was a good reason for me to be here today. Congratulations. And so I just, yeah. I'll keep that, like, you got them all up.

[53:45]

Okay. Yeah, right. Great reasons to be here. Thank you. You're welcome. Yes. Please come. Okay. So my question is about my brother, who I guess a lot of what I've heard you say today has been about being patient and I guess trying to act in a peaceful way. And so, my brother is in, I guess, a difficult situation, and a situation with a lot of fear.

[54:48]

And I guess my question is, what would be a good way to help somebody who very commonly sees just the negative in every situation or the things that he's afraid of more than the things that he actually wants in life or out of life. Well, again, as you may have heard earlier, I just say the same thing over and over, right? So, what did I say? What am I going to say about how to deal with somebody who's seeing negativity everywhere? What am I going to say about how to relate to that person? From what you heard me say before. Have patience with that person. Yeah, but before patience, I said something first. What's the first thing to do with somebody who's seeing negativity everywhere and who, yeah, who's afraid of everything?

[55:56]

Accept that. Don't be afraid of it. Well, accept it. Before you're not afraid, you have to accept it. So if you have a brother or, anyway, somebody you love who's afraid, you might be afraid of their being afraid or not. But if you're not afraid, fine. But can you welcome, can you say thank you to his fear? And that's the first thing, is to be able to say thank you to his fear. Not, I like the fear, but thank you, fear. You're giving me a chance. to be generous and loving to the fear and to the person who's afraid. And now I can teach my brother, potentially I can teach my brother how to also be generous towards his fear. Because he needs to learn to be generous towards his fear, because he's got the fear. We've got the fear, and we've got the fear. And we've got the fear. And we've got the fear. So that we've got.

[56:58]

And since we've got it, as they say at Safeway, let's be friends. Let's be generous to the fear. And if your brother doesn't know how to be generous with the fear, somebody needs to teach him how to do that. Could be you. You're like his brother, so you have a good chance because he's going to let his brother go up to him and be with him and be generous towards him. And not say, don't be afraid. You're a big boy. Stop being afraid. No, no. Are you afraid? Yeah. Well, I'm here with you. I'm here with you. And I love you. You're my brother. And no matter how afraid you are, I'm here with you. I accept that you're afraid. I'm not trying to talk you out of it. And then based on that, be careful because a frightened brother is at risk of all kinds of erratic and unskillful actions.

[58:01]

When people are afraid, they're at risk of ill will and possessiveness and violence. So you should be careful of your brother. Be gentle with him. Keep checking with him what's going on. Don't assume that he's afraid without... So, be generous, be careful, and then be patient because it's painful to see your brother afraid. It's painful to see your brother seeing negativity everywhere. That's painful. But that's a good pain because it comes from that you care about him. So, if you do those practices with him, that will bring benefit and he will eventually learn them if somebody like you and other people keep teaching him these practices, then these practices can grow even while there's still fear. The fear may become less or it may even go away for a while. Because as these practices get stronger in the warmth of this compassion, the fear actually kind of like gets burned up.

[59:01]

But not by trying to get rid of the fear, but by loving it. not liking it, loving it, being intimate with it, walking around the fear, walking around the negativity, upright, not touching it, not leaning away from it, stay close and don't do anything to it. If you can do that with it, he can learn it from you. And he can keep thinking negative thoughts about things, but there can be all this compassion around it. So if the compassion keeps circling the negativity, wisdom will someday arise. Okay. So if you can be that way, if you can be generous towards your brother's difficulty, he can learn generosity. And if he can learn it, then he can become free of this stuff. And then if you have any of that, you can do it with your own. And then if you do it with your own, then you can teach him that you can do it with his and then he can learn to do it with his own and he can learn to do it with yours and the compassion spreads this way.

[60:09]

But it's not easy. It's not easy to welcome fear. But it's necessary. In order to make enlightenment, we have to be able to welcome fear. It's an unavoidable practice of welcoming whatever, including fear. We must welcome all living beings, all manifestations of living beings. Confusion, fear, hatred, attachment, all this stuff we need to learn to be generous towards. Okay? And it's hard. Be generous towards how hard it is. I think that... The word that I'm walking away with right now is generous. That's number one. Number one is generous. Then careful, ethical, then patient. Number one, first practice of enlightenment is generosity.

[61:13]

Thank you. You're welcome. Yes, please come. This is very personal. Is it okay? Is it okay? Another personal issue? I'm at a place where nothing has worked and I'm in despair. And I just want to know how to hold that question gracefully. What's the question? Is life worth living? How to hold it gracefully. And love ourselves and take care of ourselves? Maybe a very simple practice? Yeah, well... When we're out of answers for ourselves? Same thing I said to him. If you have this question, this painful question, is life worth living? How to hold it is hold it without touching it. Welcome it. Let it into the house. This is a really tough guest, but let it in.

[62:19]

It's already here, so why don't we say welcome? But don't grab a hold of it. If it wants to go away, let it go away. So you have to love all the questions that you come up with? I don't know if I would say you have to. It's necessary if you wish to be at peace. But nobody's forcing you. Buddha's not forcing you to be compassionate to all these questions. Buddha's just saying, if you want to be at peace, this is necessary. So it's not so much you have to, but do you want, to be at peace, and you want to do the practices which are required. And the first practice for peace is to be generous towards these tough guests, to these tough questions. That's the first practice. And self-hatred doesn't... What? And self-hatred can... Self-hatred? Welcome self-hatred. Welcome it all. Not, I like you, self-hatred. Not self-hatred is fun and comfy.

[63:23]

Self-hatred is welcome. This is another tough guest. Welcome self-hatred. You can be here. I'll be here with you. I being compassion. Compassion. Compassion towards self-hatred. Compassion towards other hatred. Compassion towards everything and everybody. Everything. Everything. Everything. And the first dimension of compassion is generosity. And then be careful. Self-hatred is dangerous. You've got to be careful of it. You've got to be careful. Don't slander it. Don't call it bad names. Don't put yourself above it. Don't try to hold on to it. It's powerful. But it's going to feel respected if you say welcome and see that you're being careful and gentle with it. It's going to feel respected. And then it's going to say, hmm, okay, I'll be good.

[64:25]

Self-hatred can be tamed and made into a lovely domestic pet. Okay. But you have to be kind to it, not beat it. Because if you beat it, it just gets more powerful. Yeah, I noticed that. I beat myself up a lot. So we're going to be kind to self-hatred and make it into a Buddha. But it's not easy to be kind to self-hatred. It's not easy to be careful of self-hatred. It's just, you know, it's a porcupine. And it's not easy to be patient, but it's effective to be generous, careful, and patient with this powerful thing. It brings benefit and enlightenment. To be generous. To be generous, careful, and patient. Don't bite it. Huh? Don't bite it like it's not there.

[65:29]

Right. Honor it. Respect it. Appreciate it. Not like it. Appreciate it. This is the challenge of the day. This is the challenge of the moment. This is a big challenge. Like people used to, you know, in Greece, they used to bow to Ares, bow to Mars, bow to the war. Not they didn't like war. They recognized its power. They didn't say, war, get out of here. War, okay. Please, we respect you. Would you please be calm today? You're welcome. And over self-concern, can you speak a little bit more about that? Same. Well, over self-concern, again, is when you're self-concerned by habit rather than, I think it might be good for me to take a nap or it might be good to brush my teeth. I think actually my blood sugar level is getting low. I think it'd probably be good. Everybody would be happy if I ate something now.

[66:32]

That's taking care of yourself. That's taking care of yourself. That's like appropriate. That kind of self-concern is appropriate to enlightenment. That kind of self-concern is appropriate to peace. But when you feel there's an obsession around the self-concern, that's not appropriate. But then we have to be kind to that obsession so the obsession can relax and we can find the appropriate self-concern. So self-concern, when it's obsessive, is called selfishness. But self-concern, when it's appropriate, is the middle way, is peace. Thanks. You're welcome. Going to go someplace now? You're welcome to leave. I'm going to leave too. Thank you very much.

[67:26]

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