I, I'm sorry. Sorry to be what I am. And yet, although I'm sorry to be what I am, I am what I am. And so what I am is something that's sorry to be what it is. And I'm not sorry that you're what you are, but I bet you're sorry you're what you are. And you may not think you're sorry for being what you are, but you are.

[01:04]

And if you just say you're sorry, when you say it, you'll know it's, when you hear yourself say it, you'll know that that's true. That's part of being a human being, is to be sorry about it. But also I'm grateful. I'm grateful to be what I am and I'm grateful to be sorry that I am what I am. And I'm grateful that you're what you are and you're grateful too. And I love you. And you love me. That's what you are. Because you're human. That's the kind of thing you are. And if you don't think that, you're wrong. And that's also very characteristic of humans, to be wrong.

[02:08]

That's why we're sorry. But we're also grateful that even though we're wrong, we can still be alive. We live very nicely being wrong. But we feel more comfortable when we've realized that we're wrong. And if you realize you're wrong, it's possible to, you know, get with the program of not attaching to being wrong. Not attaching to anything. That's what's really Zen practice, right? Not attaching to anything. The shedding of body and mind. And part of what I'm sorry about is I'm sorry to be the slightest bit different from any Zen priests of the past.

[03:24]

Being a Zen priest, you can't help but feeling like you should be like the other Zen priests, especially the ancient ones. If you're a Zen priest and you'd say, I don't care about being like the ancient ones, You're not really a Zen priest. You do care a little bit about being like the ancient ones. You kind of want to be just like them. But you know you've got to be different. So, if you're just like them, really, you're just, you're dead. Because you're like the dead ones. And if you're different from them, you're sorry. You're sorry. But you know you have to be different because you're alive. Because you are different. But you're sorry. So I'm sorry that the way I'm talking right now is different from the way any of them have ever talked.

[04:27]

And none of them have ever talked like this before. But I can't help it because this is the kind of Zen priest I am today. But, you know, In the conventional world, I'm a Zen priest. Face it. I can prove it. I got roads to prove it. I got papers to prove it. Even my deceased teacher said I was a Zen priest. So a Zen priest is kind of a dynamic thing like that, like this. Wanting to be just like the dead people, knowing that he can't be, sorry about it, and realizing that that's the way he is and being grateful for that. Grateful and sorry at the same time.

[05:31]

Funny guy. And he's just like everybody else who knows how they are. So everybody's really like a Zen priest, but not everybody is. How come you're not a Zen priest? Got something better to do? Maybe so. Maybe later you'll be a Zen priest. Well, I feel better now. And part of what I feel better about is that yesterday I talked about the Buddha, and I feel uncomfortable talking about the Buddha. I also feel good talking about the Buddha because I think the Buddha really was a great teacher, but, you know, Zen people aren't supposed to talk about Buddha.

[06:36]

but I did. And the thought crosses my mind, and I think it's not that bad a thought, that Zen practice is the middle way that the Buddha taught. I think that the Buddha's teaching of middle way really is Zen, although the dead Zen people almost never said that the Zen way was the middle way. But I think they showed it. As a matter of fact, I just thought of, as I was sitting here embarrassed talking about the Middle Way, I thought that one of the first stories that really turned me towards Zen was a story about the Middle Way, of Zen monk acting, a Zen priest acting like the Middle Way. It's that story that I told many times about this Zen priest who was accused of being the father of this girl in his village. And the parents came to him and attacked him and criticized him for being such an irresponsible pervert and horrible Zen priest.

[07:58]

And after they finished insulting him and attacking him, he said, is that so? And two years later, the girl admitted that he wasn't the father and they went and apologized to him and profusely praised him for being such a great priest and for his unperverted response to their attack and his patience. And also he cared for the child for two years very nicely. And after their praise was completed, he said, is that so? This is the middle way. He didn't lean towards or away from the pain. He didn't lean towards or away from the pleasure. Praise and blame showering down upon us. Pain and pleasure showering down upon us.

[09:06]

Pain and pleasure bubbling up inside of us. We just sit upright and say, is that so? Is this [...] so? We say other stuff too, but anyway, that's what that story was about. And that was his end story about the middle way. So, the middle way. which is dropping off body and mind. Has it arisen in your body and mind? Has the dropping off of body and mind arisen in your body and mind experience? Are your body and mind experiences arising and dropping away? Is the middle way living in your life?

[10:32]

Is your life living the middle way? Is this self-mortification? Is this indulgence in sense pleasure right now? Yesterday, did you have some difficulty? In your difficulty, was that indulgence in self-mortification? Did you search for some pleasure? Did you seek for some relief from the discomfort? Did you find some discomfort and hold on to it? Did you wallow in your breaks? How was it? Did you notice? How is it now? One time I read somebody something, some scripture, or I talked about some scripture, and afterwards a woman said to me, you know, I can read that book.

[12:01]

I didn't come here to have you read me something. You should talk just from your own heart. We can read books on our own. So again, I'm ashamed to read this to you, but this is a little bit different version of the sutra that I read yesterday. It seems to be the same sutra, but it sounds really different, different telling of the story. So yesterday I talked about the Buddha giving a talk to five bhikkhus, five bhikshus. And he said to them, these two extremes ought not to be practiced by one who has gone forth from the household life.

[13:02]

What are the two? There is devotion to addiction, to sense pleasures, and there is devotion to self-mortification. Yeah, it says self-mortification. One definition of self-mortification is discipline by self-denial. So another way to talk about the middle way is indulgence, self-indulgence and self-denial. Those are the two extremes, self-indulgence and self-denial. So again, this brings up the teaching of Dogen, which is to study the Buddha way, to study the middle way, is to study the self.

[14:04]

It's not to indulge the self, it's not to deny the self, to study the self. All day long, yesterday and today, There was opportunities to study the self. There were opportunities to indulge the self. There were opportunities to deny the self. Did you study the self? Did you indulge the self? Did you deny the self? Do you have a sense for when you're indulging yourself? And when you're denying yourself? And when you're in the middle? So in this version that I found, the story sort of goes a little differently.

[15:20]

It's kind of got a background story It said that the five Bhikshus saw the Buddha, says their old teacher, approach and agreed among themselves not to salute him, not to address him as master, but only by his name, like Gautama. Hey Gautama, what's happening, man? How you doing?" For, so they said, he had broken his vow and abandoned holiness. He was no Bhikshu but Gautama, and Gautama had become a man who lives in abundance and indulgence in the pleasures of worldliness. So he used to practice austerities with these five.

[16:23]

He used to practice self-mortification with these five. And he had split with them, and he went and he had some rice mixed with milk instead of like a sesame seed a day. He had a bowl of milk with rice in it. I think maybe even a little honey in it. And some, you know, call it, somebody call it that, what's that yeast you put in? People buy the Comascio. What kind of yeast is that? Hmm? What? Brewer's yeast? He didn't have any of that. He didn't have any brewer's yeast. He just had like, you know, a little honey, a little milk, and a little rice. But from the point of view of his old buddies, that was like indulgence in sense pleasure. That was like indulgence in sense pleasure, indulgence in the pleasures of worldliness.

[17:30]

So they said, you know, he used to be like, you know, the senior... ascetic. He was like more ascetic than the rest of them. They looked up to him, but now they're just going to say Gautama, not master. But when the Blessed One approached in a dignified manner, they involuntarily rose from their seats and greeted him in spite of their resolutions. Still, they saluted him Or still, they called him by his name and addressed him as friend. Doesn't sound too bad. In our modern democratic society, it doesn't sound so bad to say, Gautama friend. Sounds okay, doesn't it? You might not like the next part of the sutra, but I'll just read it. It'll just take a second. See if you can listen to this without being mortified.

[18:35]

When they had thus received the Blessed One, he said, do not call the Tathagata by his name and address him friend, for he is the Buddha, the Holy One. Buddha looks equally with a kind heart on all living beings and therefore call him Father. To disrespect the father is wrong. To despise him is a sin." The Tathagata, the Buddha continued, does not seek salvation in austerities, but for that reason you must not think that he indulges in worldly pleasures, nor does he live in abundance. So they saw he wasn't practicing austerities anymore, but he said, but don't think that that means that I'm practicing indulgence in sense pleasures or living in abundance.

[19:50]

The Tathagata has found the middle path Some people might think that a sesshin like you had yesterday was not the middle path, that it was painful, like it was self-mortification. Did any of you think that ever during yesterday? One person did. And some people in this group have some physical problems, like somebody kind of like... hurt his back yesterday morning. Some other people had some back problems. Some people have some heart problems. Some people have, anyway, some physical problems. And some people have mental problems.

[20:52]

Some people have both. And some people don't have any problems. So if you've got some problems, some physical problems, maybe you shouldn't be in the Sesshin. Maybe you should be in some kind of a clinic or a rehab center or, you know, like, what do you call it, Mission Sonoma, Mission Inn? Up in, huh? Sonoma Mission Inn Spa. They have, like, you know, mud baths and masseuses and you know, really good food, nice beds. You can sleep all day. But if you sleep all day, you can't go to massage. So you can only sleep part of the day because you have to get up and go to massage. But that isn't enough. You also have to exercise. So you have to have, they have personal trainers there for you.

[21:54]

Anyway, it gets to be hell there really fast, you can see. Trying to decide how long you should work out, how many massages you should have. Are you spending too much of your money on this? That's why you're here. This is cheaper. This is like one day, just one day at the Mission Health Spa. Pays for the whole week here. That's without massages and stuff. Of course, we could massage you while you're sitting, I suppose, even though we're not certified massage therapists. It's all right? Okay. So if you get massaged during this session, while you're getting massaged, what's the middle way? What's the middle way?

[22:59]

So is it the middle way to go to the sashin? Is it the middle way to go to the health spa? Is it the middle way? What's the middle way? Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes people just come over to you and just shower you with praise. Right after the day before they were criticizing you. Then they're praising you and you can't help it. It just feels really good and your muscles relax. It's just a great massage, verbal massage. Just relax. Oh, geez. You can't help it. You feel good. You can't avoid pleasure completely. What's the middle way? Anyway, he said, just because I'm not practicing these austerities anymore, don't think that I'm indulging in sense pleasure. So one of the definitions of self-mortification is discipline of self-denial in order to vanquish lust and the passions.

[24:12]

So people use that in Christianity and in India. They use self-denial and self-mortification as a way to become free of the passions of lust and so on. And then the Buddha says, neither abstinence from fish and flesh, nor going naked, nor having shaved head, nor wearing matted hair, nor dressing in rough garment, nor covering oneself with dirt, nor sacrificing to Agni, the god of fire, will cleanse a person who is not free from delusion. reading the Vedas, making offerings to priests, or sacrifices to the gods, self-mortification by heat and cold, and many such.

[25:35]

Perform for the sake of immortality. These do not cleanse a person who is not free from delusion. anger, drunkenness, abstinency, bigotry, deception, envy, self-praise, disparaging others, superciliousness, evil intentions constitute uncleanliness, not the eating of flesh. Let me teach you, O Bhikshus, the middle way which keeps aloof from both extremes. By suffering, the emaciated devotee produces confusion and sickly thoughts in his mind. Mortification is not conducive even to worldly knowledge, how much less to the triumph over the senses.

[26:42]

He who fills his lamp with water will not dispel the darkness. She who tries to light a fire with rotten wood will fail. Mortifications are painful, vain, and profitless. How can anyone be free from self by leading a wretched life if she does not succeed in quenching the fires of lust?" All mortification is vain so long as self remains, so long as self continues to lust after either worldly or heavenly pleasures. But she in whom self has become extinct is free from lust.

[27:47]

she will desire neither worldly nor heavenly pleasure, and the satisfaction of her natural wants will not defile her. Let him eat and drink according to the needs of the body. Water surrounds the lotus flower, but does not wet its petals. On the other hand, sensuality of all kinds is innervating. The central person is a slave to her passions and pleasures, and pleasure-seeking is degrading and vulgar. Pleasure is not degrading and vulgar.

[28:58]

Pleasure-seeking is degrading and vulgar. But to satisfy the necessities of life is not evil. Keep the body in good health is a duty, for otherwise we shall not be able to trim the lamp of wisdom and keep our minds strong and clear. This is the middle path, O Bhikshus, that keeps aloof from both extremes." And the Blessed One spoke kindly to his disciples, pitying them for their errors and pointing out the uselessness of their endeavors. And the ice of ill will that chilled their hearts melted away under the gentle warmth of the teacher's persuasion. Now the Blessed One set in motion the wheel of the excellent law

[30:06]

He said it a-rolling. He began to preach to the five Bhikshus, opening to them the gate of immortality and showing them the bliss of nirvana. We vow from this life on throughout countless lives to hear the true Dharma. Did you hear the true Dharma? Was the true Dharma heard by us? Is this middle way

[31:15]

Really, that's good a deal? By the way, I've heard it said a few times, and I've repeated this, what I heard, and that is, the middle way is very difficult to understand. The extremes are easy to fall into. And the middle is very subtle, wondrous, and difficult to, you know, perfectly harmonize with. It's very dynamic. The extremes, you know, can be kind of static. But the middle is very subtle.

[32:19]

This is kind of the first way the Buddha taught the middle way, this kind of balancing in the midst of everything that's happening. This middle way is the middle way which helps us settle onto our seat. Is your head tilting to the left by any chance? What do you think? It is. There you go. So easy just to tilt to the left. Tilt to the right. But where is being upright? Where is that? Where is it? It's pretty easy. Oh, this is definitely lifting to us.

[33:26]

That is to the left. That is to the right. Now, this is definitely upright. Is it really? Maybe it's not. You can be sure that you're leaning to the left. You can be sure. Go way over there. Go way over to the right. You can be sure. But what about being upright? What about not leaning right or left? It's pretty subtle. It's not far away. This balanced place is not far away. It's very close actually. No matter what's happening, it's very close. Do you want to find it?

[34:28]

Do you want it to find you? Do you want to settle onto your seat of enlightenment in this moment? In this moment? Do you want to help others sit on the seat of enlightenment this moment? So again, I turn the question back to myself.

[36:02]

Is the Middle Way the true Dharma for you? Well, for me it is. I don't have any doubt about it, really. I trust the middle way. How about you? Do you lack in faith in the middle way, this middle way? Do you lack in practice of this middle way? If so, again, by confessing, And repenting means, I guess, that you actually wish to practice it. So do you want to practice the middle way?

[37:06]

Do you want to practice the middle way? Do you want the middle way to be your life? Do you want your life to be the middle way? And do you want your life of the middle way to encourage other beings to find it and walk it. Dogen says, the way leaps beyond abundance and lack. So, in this world of abundance and lack, you want to walk the way which leaps beyond them and shows other beings this path.

[38:17]

And if you don't, What do you want? If you have another path to recommend, what is it? Do you recommend grasping the extremes? Do you recommend the path of abundance and self-indulgence in pleasure? Do you recommend the path of self-denial and mortification? Do you recommend a kind of nice oscillation back between the extremes? Do you have any other recommendation for yourself, for your life and your life of others? If you do, please tell us about it. Anybody want to bring up another way that they think would be good?

[39:27]

Not now? Have you been converted to the middle way? Okay. I think one of our ancestors went to his teacher and said something like, I'd been converted to the middle way, but there's still some habits of resistance.

[40:33]

And the teacher said, Are you joyful? Are you joyful in the practice of the middle way in the midst of habits of resistance to the middle way? In the midst of your old grasping of extremes? Are you enjoying your conversion to a new path that you haven't yet completely realized?" And he said, well, I'm joyful. Yep. It's like finding a brilliant pearl in a pile of shit. I don't know if when he grew up he didn't have any habits anymore.

[42:03]

And then it was just like having a brilliant pearl, but no shit around. Or the shit was around, but it was just like in the neighborhood, not stuck to the pearl. But anyway, there's a pearl here. There's a pearl called the middle way. It's right here. So they say, matter of fact, they say it over and over. Hear it? And I won't ask you if you want this pearl. But I will ask you if you would please take care of it. And if anybody else, if you meet anybody who's up to their eyeballs and shit, would you please give it to them to help them?

[43:12]

Would you please take care of this middle way for somebody else who might need it? Even if you... Don't want it for yourself. Touching Zen, reaching Zen, practicing Zen is the middle way.

[44:43]

The middle way is the shedding of body and mind. Shedding of body and mind is to not grasp these extremes. So I ask you a question now. Has this middle way been realized? I ask you this question and I'd like you to listen. If there's an answer inside you, do you hear an answer? Has the middle way been realized? And the next question is, do you vow to realize the middle way?

[46:28]

Do you vow to realize dropping off body and mind Maybe you could ask the question to yourself, do I vow to realize dropping off body and mind? Can you hear the answer? for the body and mind dropping off to be realized. The intention, the vow to realize the dropping off of body and mind is to vow to save all beings, is to vow to end all delusion, is to vow to enter all Dharma gates, is to vow

[50:07]

to become the Buddha way. May our intention equally

[50:25]

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