I suggested meditations on fear and fearlessness for this weekend of practice together. Is that right? And... What comes to my mind is the proposal to you that in order to be non-violent, I should say, in order to fully realize the spirit of nonviolence, we need to be fearless. A lot of people are, generally speaking, nonviolent. But when they get frightened sometimes, situations can push them into violence. People who ordinarily wouldn't be violent, when they somehow can slip into it.

[01:03]

Because they're afraid they can be pushed into doing violent things, or they even just do it on their own, because they're frightened of what will happen unless they attack. And also, if we see violence and we're afraid and caught by the fear, we may not be able to... Even if we're not doing the violence, if we're afraid, we may have difficulty entering into violence and entering into it in such a way as to bring nonviolence, the spirit of nonviolence, into realization, even in a violent scene. So that's one important reason for developing fearlessness. Besides the fact that then you can do a lot of other things besides being... In addition to being nonviolent, you can also be loving when you're fearless.

[02:19]

And for most people, in order to become fearless, you have to learn to discover and face fear. Because fear is something that occurs to most of us, some of the time. Or almost all the time, for many people. In the tradition of Zen, sometimes we say that the way of Zen, or the Buddha way, the way of enlightenment, is basically leaping.

[03:23]

Wherever you are, leaping, [...] leaping. Leaping clear of gain and loss. Leaping clear of seeing gain and loss. Leaping clear of being concerned about gain and loss. Basically, just leaping, always leaping. Things are changing, so leaping makes sense. I'm quarreling with things changing all the time. sort of leading kind of like, is with the program of change. And another expression I like is that in the subtle realm of the pivot, the spiritual work turns. And the pivot, I think the pivot, the place of turning is a place, is it the turning place, the turning point, the point of turning is a crisis.

[05:00]

Crisis means turning point. So spiritual worth actually is turning in the round mouth of crisis. The way of leaping clear every moment of our life, the way of freedom in the midst of change, is to live in crisis. And for crisis, that's the Chinese word, the Chinese hong kong. It's actually two words. And when you put it together, they mean crisis. It has two different parts. And one part means, one part is the character or the word, and the other character is the character for opportunity.

[06:04]

So, crisis is a situation where there's danger all around, but also opportunity. One of the meanings of crisis is an abrupt change. The meaning of crisis is an unstable situation, personally, interpersonally, economically, politically, unstable. I propose to you that actually every moment is unstable. That's one of the basic reasons why the way of freedom and peace is to leap, because everything is unstable. So you shouldn't make your home anyplace. You should live where you are and then leap into the next moment.

[07:10]

get with the program, jump out of here into the next moment. But that unstable place, that point of crisis, that turning point where spiritual work lives, it's difficult for us to be there and recognize it because there's danger all around. In crisis work, we're surrounded We're threatened by... We're threatened by... We're vulnerable to sickness. We're vulnerable to death. We're vulnerable to losing control of our mind and our body. We're vulnerable to losing our reputation. We're vulnerable, we're threatened by all kinds of losses in unstable life.

[08:15]

The dangers are there. We're always in danger of death. Not just sometimes. Like right now, we're in danger of dying. We're in danger of death. There's some danger of death. Not zero. Some. What the danger is, we're in danger of death, we're in danger of losing our reputation, we're in danger of losing someone's love, we're in danger of losing our health. And so, to clearly see the dangers which are with us, always, And also the dangers are changing all the time, too. The types of danger, their likelihood, all these things are constantly changing. To be there and open is to live in the crisis, but not just that, it's also when you're open to the dangers, you're also open to the opportunities, because the opportunities are in the same place as the dangers.

[09:34]

Right here in this unstable situation. One time I was in a workshop. I was going to do a workshop with people on the same topic, basically. And I think it was actually going to be held around this time of year. Anyway, a time of year when early evening is dark in California. And the place of the retreat was at this place called , which is on the ocean, Pacific Ocean.

[10:43]

It's a walking distance from from the ocean. It's actually right on the ocean, but the place where we're having the retreat was walking distance from the ocean. So I had this idea of giving some people some experiential contact with fear. So I thought that when they came to the retreat, we could walk down in the dark. there's no lights on the beach. And walk through the field to the beach, there's no lights. So walk in the dark down to the beach and then go into the water in the dark, into the ocean in the dark. So when people signed up for the retreat, I had the people in the office tell them to bring a bathing suit. And I guess when they heard about bringing up babies, it got them going a little bit before they arrived.

[11:49]

And we actually did walk to the beach. When we got to the beach, I decided not to take them into the water because I realized in the dark I wouldn't be able to keep track of the people in the water. And, you know, I'd lose some of the people in the ocean. So I thought it was just too dangerous. So we just walked down to the beach, kind of holding hands. And then we walked back holding hands in the dark. It was, you know, not that scary, actually. Because we didn't really go in the water. The water also is cold. It's also cold. The cold and the dark in the water, in fact, that would be people's contact with fear. It was danger. The ocean's danger was, of course, but the beach is dangerous, too. Anyway, in the retreat I realized that

[13:02]

although it is kind of scary to go down into the ocean in the dark, I kind of realized that what's most frightening for people, really, is to be themselves, and be themselves in the presence of other people. And I thought, well, you don't have to go very far. You're a group of people. You don't have to do any special tricks to have people be themselves. We're all here. So if we would just be ourselves with the other people, if we would approach trying to express that, that would probably be dangerous. And it would be a great opportunity. And if you could find this place where you were taking a risk of being yourself and showing yourself and seeing the opportunities there, this would be the place where you could find this turning, this real life of freedom.

[14:27]

Someone recently came to see me and I said, How are you feeling? And she said, Fine. And she said, How are you? And I said, I'm in pain. And she said, Why? And I said, I don't know if she said why. She might have said why. But anyway, and I said, do you want to talk about anything? And she said, was it inappropriate for me to ask you that? And I said, well, in a way, I would say yes, it was. Kind of inappropriate. Or anyway, not so much inappropriate, but I don't want to talk about it. I wouldn't say it's inappropriate, but I don't want to talk about it. I'm in pain and I don't want to tell you about it.

[15:44]

And she said, then how can I feel safe? And how can we be intimate? And I said, don't actually think that you need to feel safe in order to be intimate. I think each of you trying to feel safe might be antithetical to being intimate. I think we need to maybe set things up so you feel safe enough to go into a situation where you don't feel safe. We feel like, I'm going to go into a situation where I'm not safe. But I'm choosing to go into a situation where I'm not safe.

[16:54]

I want to go into a situation where I'm not safe. I go into a situation where I'm not safe, and I want to open to that danger so that I can open to something else at the same time. If I go into a situation and close the door on danger, I also close the door on other opportunities. I close the door on fearlessness if I close the door on danger. Closing doors on one thing, you often close doors on something else. Closing doors on things you don't like, you might also close the door on what you like. Not like, but beyond like. Want. Really. To go into a room to meet somebody, knowing that you won't be safe, but wanting to go in there because you think this is a room

[17:59]

to learn to be fearless. This is not another safe room. Maybe there are some safe rooms. This is not a safe room. This is a room to learn to be fearless. That's what this room is for. This room over here is a room, a dangerous room, that has the opportunity to learn about fearlessness. and I can learn about fearlessness, then this is also a room to realize non-violence. And this is a room to realize turning in the pivot, turning in the crisis. This is a crisis room. And I want to go into a crisis room. I don't... Like or dislike danger, I just need to learn to be with it and be open to it.

[19:04]

Because again, I kind of get the idea that if I open to danger, open to the opportunities, and I want to open those opportunities because if I don't open to them, I don't realize them. People come to see me, they come, sometimes people come to see me, they come into a little room, it's a nice little room. People often say, this is a nice little room. You can get quite a few people in it, but it's really just about the right size for two people. And they call it in Japanese a 独裁 room, or solitary interview, or solitary meeting. So in a sense, you're going to the room to be with yourself, with another person.

[20:10]

And people sometimes in that room say, I trust that I'm safe with you, that you won't hurt me. And I say, don't trust that. I might hurt you. I don't want to hurt you, but I might. I can't say I'm not going to hurt anybody. Because I've learned that I can hurt people just by being nice to somebody else. People can get jealous and feel hurt if I say something nice to their neighbor. But although I can't say I never hurt anybody, I can say I don't want to, and I can say that if I do, I am really committed to be with the person, the people I hurt, to be with them afterwards and follow through on life after. I won't... I'm committed to stay in the situation and work through to realize the spiritual tune. Also, sometimes people come into the little room

[21:19]

And they come into the little room and try to hide from me. And I said, this is not a good place to hide. If you want to hide, go outside the room. I won't be able to see you. This is not a very good place to hide. You're not going to be successful. I'm going to ask you, how come you're hiding here? There's much better places. But if I see people on the street, which I do, various places in the world, and they try to hide from me, I don't know why you're trying to hide from me. Because they didn't come up to me and say, I'm trying to hide from you. They didn't say they want me to ask, but if they come into the room and they're hiding, I say, well, what are you hiding here for? So they want to hide. That's why they hide it from me.

[22:23]

So I'll say, What are you doing? What situations do we want to go into where we'll be able to be aware And it's basically a possibly fruitful way to be aware of our fear, to be aware of the dangers of change. And then, if we identify places like that, I'll be ready to enter. Which brings up another topic which is related, and that's the topic of commitment. So commitment, there are various meanings of commitment.

[23:28]

One meaning of commitment is to officially confine, like confines to commit somebody to a hospital, prison, a meditation retreat, military service, psychiatric care, to connect them. to confine them, but also meaning of commitment is to entrust to the hospital, to entrust someone to the army, to entrust someone to meditation or to a monastery, to entrust yourself to some situation, to confine yourself, to put yourself in confinement in order to realize freedom from confinement, to put yourself on the spot in crisis so you can realize freedom, to get married, to put yourself in the constraints of a marriage commitment so that you can become free of marriage, in marriage, through marriage.

[24:51]

So Zen is voluntarily entering into constraint, into confinement, in order to realize freedom of constraint. But once you're constrained, but there's dangers of being constrained. There's opportunities. At times like this I often think of taking my clothes off. You know, to, like,

[26:05]

sort of not know and be myself, but show you my body. So you can see my body. And then I think, well, aside... It's outrageous. That would be indecent exposure, some of them might say. Exposure may be good, but that would be indecent exposure. So I don't want to offend people. I don't. Really. Usually. Well, let's say it was okay with everybody, and everybody said, No, it's okay, go ahead, take your question. We don't think it would be indecent, we wouldn't be offended. But do I want everybody to see all the different parts of me? seeing my face, and I say, well, okay. It seems to be going okay. And my hands.

[27:06]

But, you know, maybe my shoulder's okay. But is it okay for everybody to see all of me? Would that be okay? If not, what's the problem? Well, how do you help me? What am I afraid of? Actually, they can already see me with my clothes on, too. But somehow, I don't really, I'm not really open, maybe I'm not completely open to that you're already seeing me. And by taking my clothes off, I might be able to feel like, well, now they really can see all of me. Now I see that they can see all of me. They could before, but now I can kind of feel what that's like. But without taking my clothes off, could I actually start to open up?

[28:15]

You can see me. You actually can see me. But do you know me? There's danger there, in being seen but not known, or being seen but not understood. There's danger. But opportunity. So I sing you a song, you know? Because if I sing you a song, I can feel I can better feel the danger, but also the opportunity.

[29:19]

Come in. Come in. Come on in. Are you pretty much ready? I think so. Very good. Here we go. You give your head to me Say hello And I can hardly speak My heart is beating so Anyone can tell. You think you know me well. But you don't know me. No, you don't know the one. Who dreams of you at night. Who wants to know you well.

[30:32]

And wants to love you right. No, you don't. No, I, no, I, no, to you I'm just a friend. That's all I've ever been. No, you don't know me. A little dangerous, but there was an opportunity there. A little opportunity, did you see the opportunity? There was an opportunity. What was it? I don't know. Opportunity to be fearless. Afraid that you wouldn't like my singing. Afraid that I wouldn't sing well. Afraid to be a fool. Afraid to make a mistake.

[31:35]

We may make mistakes. We may be fools. We may be... People may not like us. People may like us. A lot of things may happen. People may insult us. Probably people will insult us before... Probably somebody's not going to like us pretty soon. But we don't need to be afraid of that. We just need to face it. And again, if someone is not like you, and be mean to you and insult you, that's not so great. Really. Especially not good for them. It's just that being afraid of that stuff closes the door to something that is really, really great. And it's not people watching you. It's actually being free together with them.

[32:44]

And being non-violent. Even in a sea of violent insults. What time is it? What? Quarter of eight? Okay. Is there anything you want to talk about? It's your turn. Be yourself. Can I speak here? Sure you can. Could you come up here? You can stay there. You can come up here. I'm inviting you up here. If you come up here, you'll feel the danger more. Some complications. Oh, you're great. I think I asked the right person.

[33:46]

I didn't know you were on Christmas, but this is really, of course, perfect. Virginia? My question is, could you speak more about opportunity? Speak more about it? Or what just happened? An opportunity presented itself, but it's a little bit vague to me as to what the opportunity was. Well, how about what the opportunity is? What opportunity is here now? You took a chance. You came up here. It was kind of dangerous. It was also kind of dangerous... And so there was an opportunity. And so what happened?

[34:46]

We just did this. We just did this. In some sense, there's no big deal, right? But we didn't let fear stop us, you and I. And any other dangers here between us now? I think Dokusan would be the time to... It's sort of safe with all these witnesses. So would you guys all turn around and look the other way? Thank you. Another athesia? Anybody wants to bring up anything else? Can you name Rowan? Rowan. Rowan. Anything you want to bring up? Well, sure. You know, as you were talking, I had the, you know, kind of thinking, my mind went off into thinking, well, I would like to do that.

[35:58]

I would like to sit in that room. And then I thought, and then I imagined that I would feel comfortable with that. And then I thought, would that somehow be disrespectful to you? That you felt comfortable? Yeah. Isn't that odd? Like, is it somehow more, if I respect you as a teacher, then should I feel, you know, intimidated by you or somehow inadequate? That would be... It's just like, stop. That's part of my mind. That's a good point, though. You know, the word for danger has the root, the Latin root of the word danger is dominus, which means master. And it goes to, you know, dominium, sovereignty.

[36:59]

It has the root power. So part of danger has to do with that you're meeting a power. But again, sometimes some people are actually comfortable with power. They actually can go and meet powerful beings or powerful animals, powerful Niagara Falls or something. They can go and meet the powerful situation. It feels that easily that it's possible. And then things may change slightly, and you get a different slant on it. You know, you come at it from a different angle, and then suddenly, at that time, you're not so comfortable. But I don't think it's disrespectful, necessarily, that you... If you diminish people so that you feel comfortable, like you say, this is not a real spiritual... This is just a guy...

[38:02]

You know, like that's what some kinds of people do when they're giving talks. You know, they have five basic types of fear. Fear of death, fear of losing your mind, fear of losing your job, fear of losing your good reputation, fear of losing your job. and fear of speaking in front of large groups. So some people do, a lot of people, usually when they say fear of speaking in front of large groups, people do use a laugh. Because they kind of, yeah, that's right, it's kind of surprising. But speaking in front of large groups, you're going to lose your reputation, your job, your money. So actually, well, it is reasonable. So some people do want to speak in front of a lot of hoops and say, these people are my friends. These are my friends. I don't want to be afraid of them. And in some sense, to say everybody's OK in one sense, but you're doing that to take away the danger.

[39:05]

It's kind of disrespectful of your friends. Of course everybody's your friend, really. But what happens? Who are your friends? Again, respect means respectus. Okay, there she is, Rome. Look again. Okay, Wayne. Wayne. So there's Wayne, but then close your eyes and look again. Respect means don't go on your... Don't take people for granted. Don't go on your heart first. Look at them and then kind of like die. You should come back and look at them again. So you're friends with your friends, yeah, but look again. Look again. Look again at everybody. Don't just take people as being you. Don't take people as your idea of them. Oh, that's my friend. To you, I'm just a friend.

[40:09]

That's all I ever do. You don't know me. So it could be disrespectful that you go to meet someone and you're not afraid. It could be disrespectful if you go to someone and think there's no danger. But actually, I think it is kind of disrespectful if you think it's not dangerous. But it isn't disrespectful to be comfortable. You can be comfortable with danger, and that's not disrespectful of the person. But I think it's good to be aware that everybody's dangerous. Yeah, it reminds me of when I'm around. Do you have anything to say to us before you depart? Sorry, I have to go visit a college, and I'm leaving soon. Hey. Very good talk. Hey, what do you have to say? I need to be back early morning tomorrow. Okay, thank you. Yes, anyone can often say, certainly in the group.

[41:38]

Something I've remembered from... As you have said, meet everything that comes with complete relaxation. Yeah. But when I'm afraid, I'm very often like a deer in headlights, like that. Okay, so meet, meet, relaxation. It's just like, how do you do that? I don't know. Why am I here? Why am I here? I don't answer why questions. Okay. So if you feel, if you're a deer in headlights, then relax with being a deer in headlights. And when you're relaxed, you don't have a, you know, you're not holding out of being relaxed. When you're relaxed, you don't know how to be relaxed. I don't know how to be a limb. I don't really know, I just am. Yeah, right. Yeah, so, I just, I still say it, I don't want to tell you how to do it, because if I tell you how to do it, then you're going to cry.

[42:40]

you know, give you relaxation, that's antithetical. But I still say it to you. Why is it antithetical? Because if you're relaxed, you're blocked all of the matter. And when I tell you, I get you involved in discursive thought, and when you get involved in discursive thought, if you're relaxed already, you can use discursive thought. But if you want to relax, give up discursive thought, give up thinking about how to be relaxed. If you're not relaxed, and you're willing to give up thinking about how to relax, you'll relax. Along with all the other kind of thinking. So relaxing is just give up your thinking. That's not the entire range of spiritual life. That's just one important element. One important element in leaping is give up thinking. Leap.

[43:45]

Think about leaping. Actually, when you leap, you're not thinking at that time, probably, because you're leaping. Want to leap? Any questions? Do you have any feedback from me? Oh, by the way, I invite you to give me feedback. Any feedback? Thanks for singing. Yes. You're welcome. Yes, what can you do? Do you want to come up here? Pardon? Would you like to come up here? I'm willing to. Would you please? Anybody else want to come up here? Actually, she said she was willing to. Do you want to come up now that I hired you? Yeah, I do want to come up.

[44:46]

Okay. You were talking about the commitment in marriage and fearlessness in that confines or in that commitment. And I guess I was just hoping you would speak more on that. That's something I was thinking about, fear or real... You know, we have fear going into places we think are dangerous, but there's also the fear and vulnerability. Maybe that's our most true selves and we're being most vulnerable. So, vulnerable means in danger of being hurt. So, danger is sort of like They're almost the same thing, danger and vulnerability. So in marriage, you're vulnerable, right? Mm-hmm. How come you're vulnerable? Because you care so much, and you're so open, and also so many parts of your lives are intertwined, I guess, in many different ways you're vulnerable. Right. So you're vulnerable because it can hurt you, or you can defer your relationship. And you voluntarily go into a situation where you're vulnerable. what you describe as your relationship with everybody, but in marriage you sort of kind of see it.

[45:54]

Or it seems it matters more. It matters more? Yeah. And then... Yeah, that may be a key, that it matters more. It might be part of... I'll get it to now and get it to now. So, Molly, do you want to say more? I would love to listen to you say more, because I feel like I enjoy hearing your thoughts. I'd also like to listen sitting down, because I feel like I'd absorb it better than sitting down. You want to sit here? Sure. That's not good. Where is it? You feel you'd absorb it better in that position? I feel more like I'm listening and engaging my mind and listening rather than feeling a little self-conscious. So I then just ask to consider the situation of being with somebody with a vulnerable two.

[47:45]

Vulnerable two? Yeah, vulnerable two. We can get hurt. You know, right now, to be there with somebody and just feel to them, I think that's what I came to talk about tonight, is just actually open to that vulnerability, that danger of being injured. The word vulnerable comes from In Latin, to wooed.

[48:46]

So multiple means not being fully defended. So you meet your husband, or you meet your wife, you meet your spouse. When you are meeting, are you open to it? And I think, of course, the answer is, how about opening to that with that person? Just start with that. And then, again, openness would probably include being relaxed. And also what comes with them is, whoever they are, but particularly this person that you live with a lot, wherever they come, they can hurt you.

[49:54]

And you can hurt them. they're vulnerable to you too. So you're also vulnerable to being hurt by hurting them. Some people don't mind being hurt as much as they mind hurting others. But in both ways, we can hurt others, we can hurt ourselves by hurting others, and others can hurt us. We are vulnerable too, and they're vulnerable to us. And then to try to relax with that. And again, part of relaxing with that is noticing, is to feel the tension. And the tension hurts a little bit. Tension or fear or being afraid. So fear and tension arise when we start to feel vulnerable.

[50:56]

And then what we usually do is we turn to vulnerability. We start tension, not being alive. But I don't feel so vulnerable now. That's nice. We get some of this. Hey, nothing's going to hurt me. That's why a lot of people drink. Like there's a country western song, when I drink a six-pack of beer, I feel like I'm 10-foot tall and bulletproof. So either by emotionally closing our heart or some other part of our body, we don't feel safe. And again, I think that's OK. It's OK. Just curl up in a ball and roll over into the corner, and it's kind of like OK. You know? And in fact, people may kick you in the back or something, but it's not going to hurt that much because you're already like totally... They may kick you up and roll you into a psychiatric unit.

[52:06]

And put Thorazine all over you or something. But basically, you're kind of like, I'm not going to get hurt in this position. But to stand up, you know, open up the corner of your body, the soft part, It's not getting fun in a way, but it has this opportunity. There's all kinds of opportunity to say, hey, I'm vulnerable to you, and you're vulnerable to me, and I'm trying to be careful about that. And I'm trying to stay here in this vulnerability. I'm trying to stay with the danger, with the risk of being with you. You don't have to say it.

[53:07]

In fact, you can feel that you're vulnerable to it because it is a fact. You can feel it. It's hard to get used to it, but I'm suggesting it would be good if we all got used to opening to and experiencing our vulnerability to every single person we meet. Everybody can hurt us. But again, if it's too much, go up in a ball for a while and roll over in the corner and see what that's like. And it's not comfortable, actually, but it has limits and not much opportunities. Then when you're ready, you're going to stand up, put your arms down, open up your stomach and your heart, and you're opening it up. And, you know. Sometimes people even come in and see me in a little room and they cross their arms like this. But you're not supposed to do that.

[54:13]

They're supposed to sit in a posture with their arms like this, where it's kind of like they're to the person they're meeting. And I'm that way too. And sometimes they say to me, you said you wanted feedback, right? I said, And then they say, well, I've got some. Do you want it? And I say, hey, let me get ready. I try to open up. You've got to get really open. And then they give it to me. And it's good. It's good. So for me, they like to see the connection. And the more open I am, the more it doesn't hurt, the more I can pass through. But it's nice to check beforehand. Did you want to be there? You say, yeah. Are you ready now? Yes.

[55:14]

But sometimes it's possible you say to somebody, did you want to sit down? I don't want to sit down. You know, that's fine. That's part of it, because if the other person doesn't know, they want to settle with the moment before they can really say, OK, I want to hear about this. Because this can hurt. Any questions about this? Got any chance? Can I start chatting? Yeah. Yeah. Will you come up here? Yes. Party? Yes, please. I just wanted to see what it felt like up here. What does it feel like up here?

[56:34]

My heart's pounding. They're a little shaky, but I'm alive. Yeah, you're alone. When people come and see me in a little room, and they sit down, they often say, my heart's pounding. They often say that. Or they say, I'm nervous. And then sometimes they say, can I just sit here for a while until my heart comes down? And I say, usually I say, mm-hmm. And then sometimes they say, Sometimes they say, that's better. And I say, want some feedback? I don't think it's better that the heart comes down. I don't think it's better that it's pounding. I think it's good, though, that they're going to feel their heart pounding, or pounding.

[57:44]

And if they get pounding, I think that's really good. I don't think it's better that the heart calms down, or speeds up, or whatever, whether they're nervous or not nervous. Being nervous is OK. Being nervous, whatever you is actually the most dangerous position to be in. And there is something else that you think is more dangerous, but really, what you are is the most dangerous for you, because that's what you are. And that's where you can get hurt, is where you are. So if you're calm, that's more dangerous. to be like something that you're not, like nervous. Be what you are. That's the most dangerous. Thank you. You're welcome. Now, does that mean something to say thank you? Does that mean I'm going to go away? Mm-hmm. Anybody else wish to say anything or give me feedback?

[58:50]

Yes, what do you need? My name is Carol. Carol, would you like to talk, Carol? I want to talk about the, you said when someone's hurt, you won't promise not to hurt them, but you'll stay with them. I don't remember your phrasing, but you'll, Actually, I'm willing to promise to be gentle and kind and respectful. I'm willing to promise those things, but promise me more like, that's my vow. I'm not saying that's what I'm going to do. I'm willing to promise that. But I don't want to say that I'll never hurt you. Because I know that even while I'm trying to be that a person could feel hurt. I know it's not possible for you to never be hurting me. Just like, for example, if I stand up straight, that could hurt someone.

[59:55]

Because if you said, I can't stand up straight, who did you think you were saying this to? They stand up straight like that. If he really loved me, if he really loved me, he would be slumped over. And other people Some other people, if I'm slumped over, they say, that really disturbs me. He should be sitting up straight. He's a Zen teacher. You can't avoid hurting people. But if I hurt you by standing up straight, if I hurt you by slouching, I'm committed to be with you even if they hurt about the way I am. I'm not really sorry that I stand up straight or that I bend over. I'm not really sorry. And I'm not even really sorry that you're hurt by me being who I am. I'm not really sorry that people find me obnoxious. I'm not sorry to be an obnoxious person. I am sorry if I do something to you that I don't want to do.

[60:58]

Like if I'm mean, I'm sorry about that, but if you just don't like me, I'm not sorry, actually. But I know that I do hurt people. I mean, just being a white male, I hurt people. I just know that's part of my destiny, is to just sometimes hurt people just by being me. just standing here being me, or just even sitting in meditation, if somebody sees me, they can be hurt. But I'm committed to the person who feels hurt by seeing me. I'm committed to them. I'm committed to work with them. With that hurt and everything else, that's what I need. What do you call it? For the duration. That's my commitment. And if they leave from the hurt and take that hurt with them, Do you follow?

[62:01]

I stay where I am. But I am where I am. And from finding my place where I am, my practice with that person will cure. If I find my place where I am, my practice with them will manifest. That's my faith. And when they come back, since I found the place where I am, I'll be ready for them. And I'll welcome them back. But I also welcome them to go. If that's what's manifesting for them, to go away with the herd. But I also need to advertise this, which I'm doing. I advertise this so that people, if they go away, they know they can come back. And so again, commitment.

[63:12]

Do you wish to commit? Make any commitment. Think about whether there's any commitments on the horizon. The commitments where you're going to put yourself. Like, oh yeah, there's this thing in a kind of older version of it. I plead thee my troth. I plead thee my troth. I put my truth. In plight to thee, I endanger my truth to you. So part of being intimate with someone is that you voluntarily put yourself, not just yourself, but your truth, you put your truth in danger to them. Like say, this is my truth, and I put it in danger. Let you mess with my truth. He's like, hold my truth up. And I say, you can't touch this. I show it to you and I put it in danger. You can comment on it.

[64:13]

You can give me feedback on it. This is where I think we should go on vacation. I want to go on vacation too. But I don't just say, this is my truth. This is the true vacation destination. And this is what we're doing. Now, because I've endangered myself to you, because I'm vulnerable to you, I also use, for example, all my ideas I put in danger to you. So I say, this is what I'd like to do. What do you think? And then, of course, they can wreck your idea. They don't mean to wreck it, but they do. They turn it around, they tip it around, they Pretty soon, you know, it's been damaged. But you did that as part of the marriage and as part of the opportunity of being free from going around with your truth and finding some place you can put it, which is what we all can do.

[65:23]

But there's no opportunities there. You're stuck with your truth. Planting my trough. Did I say that to you? I planted my trough. I asked for your feedback. I gave you my truth tonight. It's evolving. Various of my truths. I didn't give you the truth. I gave you my truth. But I'm also telling you, just to clue you in, that I know that when I tell you I've endangered my truth to you, but I'm also telling you that I've endangered it to you, and I'm inviting you to give me feedback on my truth, and I'm asking you to consider whether you want to do the same in some form. Is there somebody you want to endanger your truth to? I want to say, this is where I think we should go for dinner.

[66:24]

What do you think? This is the movie I want to go to. I want to go to a meditation retreat. I want to take a walk. I want to go to the toilet. What do you think? Do you know what I mean? People don't usually say, a lot of people don't even say, even people that are married to people, don't necessarily say, I can't live in the toilet now. It's so safe. Even people who are married. Now, little children do sometimes, they say, I want to go to heaven. Won't you come with me? Want to hear a great song soon? Yes. Well, until recently. required assistance for his, what do you call them, his bowel movements.

[67:28]

He required assistance cleaning up afterwards. He was able to get them out, but then cleaning up the fanny afterwards, he had to do a good job, like you said, of getting most of the shit off. So he had people assisting him. So here he is on a particular occasion. He says, I'm going to the toilet now. He didn't say ball movement, but anyway, he indicated that it was going to be one of these ones where shit comes out. Because he doesn't require assistance in the urination process. And then somebody says to him, who do you want to go with you? And he said, His mother's there, his grandmother's there, and his grandfather's there. And he says, his grandmother's Chinese. The Chinese word for grandmother is abu.

[68:34]

He says, I want abu. He said, abu just to go and This is he plights his trough to people, you know. So then, he plates his trough, too. So he goes in there and sitting down, he looks at the table and he says, you know, Thabu, it was really hard to choose. The nice thing about him is he has not yet forbidden me to tell these stories.

[69:35]

He will soon. I think he likes the fame still. So please consider whether you want to enter the room the room of commitment to some situation where you're in danger to somebody. Where you willingly confine yourself in a situation where you can experience your vulnerability. And you also consider what you want to have from them. Not so much to make it safe, but maybe to make it more bilateral. Because the bilaterality actually doesn't necessarily make it safer, it just makes it more real and dynamic because both sides are actually vulnerable to each other. So you might think about whether that would be a problem.

[70:40]

So the outcome of this meeting tonight is that you would consider whether you want to put yourself in crisis with somebody. And who would the reasonable person to be in crisis with? Wouldn't necessarily be somebody that you're safe with. I think it would be somebody that you actually can open to unsafety with. Because if you can open to it, it doesn't mean it's safe, it doesn't mean it's not dangerous, it just means you realize fearlessness. I'm proposing to you, you're not going to realize fearlessness by hanging out with people that you're not afraid of. You're not going to realize fearlessness. Look over in the little group of little people that agree with you, okay, what's your religion?

[71:45]

Zen Catholic. Zen Catholic, are you? So you go to most churches, most churches like that, they're with like-minded people and they're all kind of like, oh, we're all sacred, you know. That's not how you get fearlessness. So that way of challenging your fearlessness It's not that bad, it's just that it promotes fear, because you're avoiding fear, like trying to get with people. But there are some people which, it isn't that you're just looking for the worst possible, most dangerous person, but just you love them, and you want to be with them. And they're dangerous. Who would you love?

[72:57]

Who would you want to be with? You're committed to opening to that dangerous person. And if you think it's too dangerous, so dangerous that you won't be with them, and then you'll close down, that's maybe not a good idea. But you can open to it. You're going to have a chance to realize fearlessness. But just go run over to some dangerous situation and then close down. There's not much point in pushing yourself in a dangerous situation that's too advanced and you just get tense when you close the opportunity and you're just getting more danger. I would say just, with the people you want to be with, open to the danger. If you can't find any danger with the people you want to be with, start taking your clothes off. Start showing yourself to them.

[73:59]

And as you start to approach that, you say, well, there's the danger. I don't have to tell them. I feel the danger. That's enough. And that's enough. Just even think of telling them something. You start to feel the vulnerability. Maybe years before you can tell them the thing that you thought of them, But stay with that feeling. Not stay. Keep opening to it. I've told you to stay. Keep opening to it. Keep opening to it. What time is it now? 8.23. 8.23. Who else wants to talk about it? Who else wants to go up and experience it in a large group? Please come. You can talk to Lisa. Both Lisa's cute. Yes. My name's Anne. Anne and Lisa Lisa.

[75:04]

I'm going back to the Chinese crisis, which I've known about for years. I hadn't been applying it to my contemplation in the last couple weeks, which is... I spend more waking hours a week in my job than anywhere else. And for a long time now, I've labeled it as a training ground of distraction. And my contemplation has been that if there's an opportunity for distraction, there's an opportunity for mindfulness. But where, and the switch for that must be in here somewhere. And so you mentioned opportunities. and danger. I've been labeling it danger. But there's lots of opportunity. But I still label it as danger. Well, again, the lady said label it as danger. Okay, so go ahead and label it as danger.

[76:08]

The experience, I guess. You label someone's experience as dangerous. Want to give an example? You know my dog. Your dog is dangerous. Well, it's dangerous in that I feel... ...more for being distracted than for being mindful. So one of the dangers of your job is that you become distracted when you're at work. Right. So... Right, Maureen? You're all in. You work together. We work together. Yeah, so... You just realize, okay, I'm going into that room. In that room, there's danger, and danger is of being distracted. Right. But... In this case, it's not so much that you avoid the distraction, but that you can open to the inner danger and just try to be open to that. And I think if I open to the inner danger, I'm not very distracted. I'm kind of here.

[77:10]

I'm kind of here because here is where I am in danger. I'm not in danger over there. When I'm distracted, Danger. So noticing the danger is one of the ways to bring yourself back to here. If it's right around here, you're in danger. You're not in danger over here. It's right here that you're in danger. So it brings you back to your body when you feel vulnerable. Well, excuse me, when you feel vulnerable, which means when you open to the danger, you become mindful of your body. So opening to the danger is a way to be mindful. And in particular, There's various dangers, but one of the dangers is being distracted. So the funny thing is, your example is that you have a danger of getting away from it. You're in danger of losing your body awareness. And there are times in the day when I just try and remember to sit up, hooping up, shoulders back, instead of, like, somebody's got to come in here any minute.

[78:19]

Somebody's got to come in here any minute. Oh, yeah, somebody's got to come in and want something or have an issue with something or need me to fix something. And how does that relate to the body posture that you're making? they start to do the turtle. Yeah. So there it is again. You protect yourself by this posture, and this posture is a distraction from your actual posture. Right. Yeah. So can you like sit there and open, open to the vulnerability before they come? And then when they come, it's more like, okay, yeah, right. Here it is. Right. You know, I'm already in this posture just in case they come. No, I'm already open just in case they come. I feel the danger all the time. You have to do this all the time. It's hard to start once there's that pounding on you. It's not possible. Notice what else?

[79:22]

Notice the vast horizon that opens up when you go to work, feeling vulnerable. And then people say, I can't do this at work. For example, I can't cry at work. Or the other thing that people say is, this is fine, but at work I can't do it because the other people aren't doing this. It's OK to do it when everybody else is doing it, but actually, when other people aren't, it's harder for them. I do see that. It's really the same thing. You're in a situation where everybody else is trying to do this. You're vulnerable. People aren't doing it. So yeah, just like, it's hard. Open up to vulnerability at work. Be this person who's like raw meat with clothes over it.

[80:25]

And then people are going to come and try to get me to do something for them. And then I'm going to say, God, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of trusting. I'm afraid I won't be able to help you. Do you know Carol? Yeah. Yeah. OK. Anne, can we help you? Put some air in her hand. Yeah, by their needs. Because I want to help. There's only one of me and there's not so many. There's only one of you and there's infinite numbers of them. Each one of them you're bound to that too. I know some people who work in 911, in emergency response, telephone engine thing.

[81:35]

And I don't know what the men look like, but the women I know, they have a lot of flesh in their body. To protect themselves from all this. I'm not saying this is easy, but it's what I'm encouraging myself and you to do, is to work, to go to the work, go to the work of being vulnerable and to see what you can do in that vulnerable place. And you know, is the other part of the news, the opportunity you're open to is to realize All these people who are coming to you for help, the infinity of people who are coming to you for help that you're vulnerable to, you can't do anything, and they can't either. However, you together with them can live.

[82:38]

But you can't help them by yourself. together with them. They're vulnerable to you, you're vulnerable. That's the opportunity open to is to realize how the helping happens. The helping doesn't happen from this side over to this side. It happens together. And if you can face the vulnerability, you can open to the wonder of how we practice together, and how you can't do anything, they can't do anything, But together, we are actually living together. You're giving them your life. But if you can't open to the danger, then you can't open to how they give you life when they come to ask you to give them life. Yeah.

[83:41]

They're a similar kind of word. Yeah. We help them. We help them. But most people don't know. Some truck drivers do know that they have this kind of word. Some truck drivers don't. So I had a question. Like, me, I wanted to see what it felt like to come up here to see if I could make this a sense of fearlessness and It ain't working? No. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, but... What do you mean, it ain't working? There's fear. It's okay that there's fear, but there's fear. Fearlessness. Fearlessness. Fearlessness does not mean there's no fear. Fearlessness doesn't mean there's no fear. Fearlessness means you don't have fear. Fear did it to me. That's fearless. One of the things fearlessness is about is fear.

[84:42]

Another thing fearlessness is about is pain. Another thing fearlessness is about is shame. Fearlessness gobbles up fear. So if you've got fear, it doesn't mean there's no fearlessness. You come up here even though you're afraid, and you stay here even though you're afraid. And now you're open to fear. What's fearlessness? Fearlessness doesn't need to get the fear out of the room. Fearlessness is a room full of fear-fighting people. Hey, let's go. Everybody here afraid? Hi! Me too. And I'm fearless also. And you can join the fearlessness club. Thank you. And you didn't want to come up here, but do you want to say anything before you die? Yes, and your name, would you like to come up? I'm Maureen. Maureen. I have a question. All right.

[85:45]

In front of groups. Okay. I like to teach. I turn bright red. No matter what. As I'll be in front of a group. Yeah. Feeling fairly comfortable. Yes. And I'll be turning red. Yes. And I'll then start to react to what I think people must be thinking I'm feeling. Because I'm turning red. And I told myself when I go out in the sun I turn red. When I run around the block I turn red. Yeah. When I stand in front of a group I turn red. And it doesn't matter. But right now you're not turning red? Well, I feel like I am. I'm turning red. [...] I think it would be a really good exercise for me to say, I feel like I'm turning red.

[87:13]

Do you see it? And if they say yes, how do you feel about that? It's kind of unorthodox that you're talking about physics. I could try it. I feel like I'm making them nervous when I'm turning that. No, in general, no. You can sit. You can ask them. You can sit. You can sit. This is the beginning of my talk today. Good evening. Do I make you nervous? I didn't ask you. Do I make you a little nervous? Does it get weird? Are you free of need? Can we leave? That wouldn't work in front of the groups that I speak to. When you say it doesn't work, what do you mean it doesn't work?

[88:16]

It doesn't feel like it would be inappropriate. It wouldn't be appropriate unless they came to talk in fear and fearlessness. Then it would be okay, right? That's why I gave this kind of talk, because I can come up, and this, given that title, if you come here, I can say, are you afraid of me? Are you afraid of me? A little. A little. And it's okay for me to ask you that. Was it? Right, yeah. Do you feel vulnerable to me? Yeah, I feel nervous. And you feel like with some group you speak to, where it wouldn't be actually nervous. Don't you see? Some groups, well, yeah. Well, no, not I feel nervous. But I guess the way you were asking it, that's sort of the drama you were using. Oh, so you feel like some groups you're talking to where you can't probably do the right thing.

[89:21]

It doesn't look like you're nervous. I'm like... So you feel like when you speak, like, is it really cool? I think it's cool. Doesn't mean it is. But I heard you say you didn't feel like you can be dramatic. They're not up for drama. Well, you know what you said earlier, I thought was really on the point of when you stand in front of a group, you can lose your reputation, you can lose your job, you can lose all those other things. So that comes into that. Right. This is getting warmer. When you get up and talk to the group, do you want to get in touch with the fear or not? It's there.

[90:24]

You're afraid of losing your reputation. No longer is your expectation of freedom that you want to do something such that you can get in touch with them and realize the great opportunity of meeting with this group. No, I don't want to. I just want to get to the talk and get my paycheck. But do we want to be in drama, in a dramatic relationship with them? And I'm suggesting that not to realize nonviolence is a dramatic enactment. It's a drama of nonviolence, where people are actually feeling the drama of not being violent. We're actually getting in there, dramatically. Rather, it was like, this isn't going to be without being a drama queen, as they say, or a drama king.

[91:29]

But they say drama queen, not drama king. They say dramaturge. Dramaturge. You get who's working with drama. But again, you say, I'm not going to be dramatic because if I'm being dramatic, that's more dangerous. You have to be dramatic with people. They can say, you know, you're a ham, you're a... You're crazy. Because they may not be ready for drama. So part of it is check with them. Check with them. Don't just come and say, okay, I'm going to be dramatic. The drama of disrespecting them. But feel them out about how much they'll let you be yourself. And if you work with them, they may be actually gradually ready to have a dramatic meeting with you about any topic.

[92:43]

But they need to be warmed up for that. You need to check with them whether they're up for it. Just like I did here. That's why I have you introduce yourself to each other, to get you to start relating. You're not just on the receiving end of the situation. So just to suddenly say maybe, are you people nervous? Maybe it's too much to say. Could I come here and ask you a question? Do I look red to you? They say no. I said, hmm, I thought I looked red. I'm just going to check to see. But I'm not, OK. Or if they say yes, how do you feel about me being red? It makes sense. They look frightened. Can you say anything?

[93:44]

May I say anything? hmm, they're already in trouble, you know, because they look frightened. If they look frightened, you're in trouble. So how are you going to pull it out and run? It's dangerous. And then, you know, if you try to cut and run now, it's going to, you know, it's going to be a good idea. So you have to kind of, once you start getting in there, once you get, once you enter the fire, You've got to be more careful than when you're standing away. You've got to be careful because you can get more burned now. And he explained, he said, I was actually trying to find out with you, you know, how you're feeling about something. And so I sent it to you. Is that right? Yeah. And then you find some people that are sitting there like rocks.

[94:48]

And then you say, OK, let's see. Is there anything else to talk about? You don't want to talk about anything, apparently. But that's not quite right. Please somebody tell me what's going on with you. And maybe nobody in the audience can. And so it's kind of difficult. This is dangerous. So just stay in your box and nothing like this will ever happen to you. But what sometimes happens is if the whole thing breaks open and people come alive, wonderful things happen sometimes. But sometimes they're not ready. And you've got to be careful to not get angry at them that they won't play with you. And you don't seem to be able to. And you sometimes say, what? You could say, are you relaxed?

[95:49]

Are you ready to play? And they say, could I ask somebody to tell me if you're relaxed? And somebody can play with you. And the people started getting up and walking out. And then you get fired from your job. But you know, you dare to be there. But you might not get fired. You know? It might be this beautiful thing that will happen. But it is a danger. If you get up and talk, if you have a job, and you get up and talk to people, it's a danger because it's your job. And a lot of people figure if they play it safe, they won't lose their job. They'll be less likely to lose their job if they take a chance, if they take a risk, if they face the danger, and actually open to the danger and then see opportunity.

[96:59]

Because once you start feeling the danger, you kind of wonder things like, do you feel the danger? I feel I'm in danger. Do you feel you're in danger? And if people, if they get open to that, then the opportunities start multiplying. Not multiplying, but start being more open to the student. How's this for you? That's useful. I really think that drama is something that we need to be, we need to be dramatic. in order to get in touch with the story of our life. We need people to join it. And it's dangerous. And now it's time to say thank you very much for coming up here. OK. Thank you. I think we said we'd stop at around 8.30.

[98:03]

It's past that now, right? Part of the reason why I sing is because for a long time people said, how come we don't sing it then? I said, what do you mean we don't sing it? They said, what do I mean? I said, well, like, we chant scriptures, like, you know, like, kanji, zai, bo, zato, byo, jin, hang, ya, ha, la, da, mi, ta, ji, sho, gen, ro, un, ga, gu. They said, no, no, I mean like sing like, you know, Western songs and stuff. Want me to do that? Say, yeah. So I started singing. And it works really well, I think, in a lot of ways because Buddhism in general has a reputation for being concerned with peace in a world of war and gentleness in a world of violence and concern for suffering.

[99:03]

It faces a lot of heavy topics. So the singing seems to have a nice balance to it, especially if the singing is a little funny. A lot of times after my talk, people say, I really appreciate the singing. Or they say, I really appreciate the humor. I don't very often like the talks. But I like the humor and the singing. It gives it some relief from the talk. And when I was, one time when I was in England, English people, you know, have what? Worn? Not warm, right? Do they have a reputation for being somewhat cold? Or warm? What? What? Stopping. Stopping? What? Reserve. Reserve. One time I was in a cab in London, and I got a Greek cab driver.

[100:07]

And the person in the car with me says, how do you find English people? I forgot what he said, but the person said, do you find them to be a little cool? And he said, frozen. Anyway, they're actually very passionate people, but they also have a practice of upper lip. I've actually disciplined people to not cry and things like that. There's something to that, even though they're full of life and very passionate. This intentional stiff upper lip, you know. Don't let it quiver. Actually, the reason why they have the stiff upper lip is because English people's lips do quiver. They quiver when they're about to cry. Their lips quiver like Americans. And some other English people are drawing their eyes with the kind of moisture that they're in on it.

[101:09]

But that's because they do have feelings. That's why they have these teachings. Anyway, so after I gave them a talk, I sang them a song. It's called The Red, Red Robin. And they love robins in England. It's their national bird. And it's kind of a silly song, but they really like it. They really loved it. It was a good song for them after a while. Is that enough for tonight? Wasn't that the lead-in for a really silly song? Was it? Yes, so what if it was? I don't know if we should say deserve, but, you know, we're expecting to hear it, and it would be a nice thing to do. Do you want to say you deserve it? No. Or just say you want it?

[102:11]

Yeah. Would you like to ask for it? Yeah, would you please sing Red, Red Robin? Yes, I would. For you. All right, Gary. Would you like to be married? With your husband. He's coming for the rest of the weekend. Would your husband be okay if I... Can you call him now and ask him if I can sing you a song? You good? You sure? Yeah. I'm singing the other pickle, too. It's not just for you, because you're married, right? When the red, red robin comes bop, bop, bopping along, along. Or sobbing when he starts throbbing his old sweet song. Wake up, wake up, you sleepyhead. Get up, get up, get out of bed.

[103:12]

Cheer up, cheer up, the sun is red. Live, love, laugh and be happy. Though I've been blue. Walking through fields of flowers. Rain may glisten, but still I listen for hours and hours. I'm just a kid again, doing what I did again. Singing a song. When the rhythm, rhythm, rhythm comes bopping along. Bop, bop, bop, bopping along. Yeah. See, sometimes when you're a fool, they don't bury you. Oh, I just want to say another thing is, you know that song, that old song from your 50s, it goes, the music goes, Express yourself.

[104:14]

It's later than you think. Express yourself. While you're still in the pink, express yourself. Then you think, express yourself, express yourself while you're still in the pink. But it's dangerous. Please do it. Oh, sure. Thank you, everyone, for coming tonight. Thank you, Rev, or We have teachings in Hebrew and Satan. And we'll have tea and cookies outside. Please stay if you can. For those people coming tomorrow, the doors will open at around 8.15 for registration. If you want to get here to sort of see how we're going to set up the room, it's going to change tonight. We're going to have meditation Christians out tomorrow. We can go over the forms so that you're ready at 9 for meditation. Okay, and any questions you can see me or Randy, go to Walsh.

[105:15]

I have a question. Yeah. Could I use that? Yeah. That's your question. No, that was not quite my question was could I use that. After you're done. Okay. I'm going to interrupt you. Okay. Randy, would you mind standing up for a second? I wouldn't stand up to it. Randy is handling the food. Say hello. Please, yes, thank you. Keep making the food. So any food-concerned allergies we don't know about, please see Rand again for lunches for tomorrow. Okay, thank you. And since not all of you will be here tomorrow, I just wanted to say that... I want to thank you for coming and also thank the people who did a lot of work to organize this weekend.

[106:18]

And I think this weekend was that trying to let more people find like-minded people who are interested in Catholic, Zen. What do you think of it? I have no words. I have no words. I have no words for it. That's Zen, by the way. I have no words for it. Anyway, they're trying to develop the community, because, of course, part of Buddhist practice is having a community. So I'm just glad that you see that you have these friends, and you don't know them. So shall we have a social time now?

[107:14]

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