taking another step on the path of realizing intimacy. We have another day of practice, another meeting. I've been talking with you about a scripture which I feel teaches the path to realize intimacy, which is also emptiness. And I feel that intimacy is like the Dharma body, the true body of Buddha. Intimacy is unfabricated, free of elaboration and manifest activity.

[01:06]

When we're dancing together, our dance is fabricated, but the intimacy of our dance doesn't come or go. It's free of our dance. And we dance to realize this great radiant reality of intimacy. As has been said over and over, the the modes to realizing the ways of the paths, the forms of practice to realize intimacy are boundless. Dharma gates are boundless. And the modes of expression of intimacy in form are boundless. The daily activities of Buddhas

[02:14]

rice and tea are modes to realizing intimacy and expressions of intimacy, demonstrations of it and invitations to it. And speaking of rice and tea, before the kitchen goes to make lunch, I wish to thank you for your generous diligent, kindness in supporting the community during this session. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Everybody, one, two, three. Also, another mode to realizing intimacy is apology.

[03:23]

I'm sorry if I in any way disturbed the community by leaving this morning and going to have meetings with people outside the Zendo. One person told me that they were really shocked. And I asked if we could do that, but then, sort of at the last minute, I felt I needed to see the remaining people I hadn't seen who I hadn't seen. And so I'm sorry if that was in any way disturbing, but I promise not to do any more today. And if I don't follow through on my promise, I promise to apologize. Apology is a really good gate to intimacy, especially if you add a little honesty in there.

[04:33]

Another example of a mode to intimacy is this box of surpass. Facial tissue, is this called? Or nasal tissue? This tissue box, which I was taught yesterday, has tissue in it, which is the color often associated with girls. Pink. It has pink tissues in it. However, there was a time when this box had white tissues in it. So I got a new box out, and sure enough, the new box has white tissues in it. So it turns out, as you get to the bottom of the box, the tissues turn pink.

[05:46]

If you practice a long time, you discover things you never expected to see. Things you overlooked for many years. You were picking up the white ones. He picked up the pink ones, but you didn't notice until someone assisted you and pointed it out. The secret's out now. And you don't have to believe this. You can verify it yourself. Not yourself. You need a couple boxes of Kleenex. I have one with pink. So next, get your box of Surpass from the news. See there's white at the top, and then just keep using it, and someday you'll come to the pink. The modes to intimacy are boundless.

[06:55]

One of the modes is to be a Soto Zen priest. Another mode is to be a Rinzai Zen priest. Another mode is to be a Muslim imam or a Muslim woman or a Jewish rabbi or a Jewish layman or a Christian monk or a garage mechanic or somebody who nearly died in a car accident. There's many, many modes that we can use to approach intimacy. Having a job, however, that's mostly about realizing intimacy is really a nice job. But all jobs can be jobs for realizing intimacy.

[07:56]

For mastering the Dharma gates And I was thinking, yeah, because some people feel like we, at 10th century, you know, if you really like want to realize intimacy, then you have to be a priest. No, bodhisattvas do not have to be priests, but it's a good opportunity. Most bodhisattvas are not priests, as far as I know. And I thought of this nice example of the advantages and disadvantages. So the advantage of being a priest is that it is an opportunity. That's its advantage. But again, there's a story, a movie called Resurrection, I think is the name of it. And this woman, I think, has a car accident, and she doesn't die, but she gets close.

[09:04]

And she walks down, you know, she sees the tunnel, and she's heading down the tunnel. to the light, and then something calls her, I think, and she turns around and goes back. And she's, you know, there she is, she's a wreck. And, but then as she starts to somehow, you know, be alive again, in the usual sense, with a body that has broken bones and so on, she notices her hands are hot. you know, really hot. And she notices somehow that when she touches some parts of her body, some of the wounded areas, they heal. And these hands she has after the accident, after walking into the light, these hands now, she heals herself from this accident, from these injuries.

[10:06]

And then, I don't know how it happens, but she somehow touches somebody else who's sick. And when she touches them, this is a movie, right? When she touches them, it really hurts her. But when she takes her hand away, the person feels fairly soon afterwards relieved of the wound. AND SHE FINDS A WAY TO LIKE SHAKE OFF THE PAIN, THE TOXIN OR WHATEVER IT IS, AFTER THE HEALING. ANYWAY, WORD GETS OUT AND SHE BECOMES, YOU KNOW, A PUBLIC FIGURE. AND LONG LINES OF PEOPLE COME TO SEE HER FOR HER TO TOUCH THEM WITH THESE HOT HANDS TO HEAL THEM. AND SO SHE'S HAPPY TO DO THIS. AND IT GETS TO A POINT WHERE THERE'S A BIG CHURCH AROUND HER, YOU KNOW.

[11:14]

AND PEOPLE COME UP TO HER AND SAY, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS? WHERE DID YOU GET THESE HEALING HANDS? AND SHE SAYS, I DON'T KNOW. AND THEY SAID, WELL, DID YOU GET THEM FROM JESUS? AND SHE SAID, HONESTLY, I CAN'T SAY I DID. WELL, THEN WHERE DID YOU GET THEM IF YOU DIDN'T GET THEM FROM JESUS? YOU MUST HAVE GOT THEM SOMEPLACE ELSE. And where would that be, I wonder? So this is when, you know, Dharma teachings are helpful to protect you from people thinking that it's yours or that you got it from the devil. But she didn't have any teachings to protect her. from these questions. So she was left saying, I don't know where I got it. But the patriarchy couldn't tolerate that. So one of her friends shot her, which was not the bigger problem.

[12:22]

She just put her hot hands on the wound and left town. And that was the last they saw of her. in the faith healer scene. And the last scene in the movie is, I think maybe the last scene in the movie is, you see this recreational vehicle driving through Arizona or something. And it pulls over to a gas station. And... the family get out and put the gas in and use the toilet. And one of the kids gets out who's wounded, some major illness, you can see. And this woman who ran away from the spotlight is working in the gas station. And she's putting the gas in the car for the people or whatever and checking their oil.

[13:28]

So what's with the kid? And they explained to her. She said, oh. And as the kid is getting back in the car, she touches the kid. Have a nice trip. And the RV pulls out. They don't tell us that later that afternoon or a day and a half later, the child started to feel better. But she's hidden there. Some people have to hide. So one of the problems of being a Zen priest is that sometimes you're not hidden and you get in trouble for that because people project something on you. So you have to be trained of how to deal with the projections. So someone asked me, you know, what's the special transmission outside the scriptures, outside the teachings?

[14:44]

And so in one of the books we have, it explains about what, we have some books which explain what the special transmission outside books is, which has lots of stories about people explaining and demonstrating what the special transmission outside the books are. And Dogen asked that question of his teacher, Ru Jing, and Ru Jing said, special transmission outside the scriptures means that the transmission isn't in the scriptures or outside the scriptures. The special transmission is not in the box of tissues and it's not outside the box of tissues. Buddha is not inside you and Buddha is not outside you. That's what special transmission outside the scripture means according to Ru Jing. But I'm saying and I'm practicing as best I can special transmission outside the scriptures means everything I do I wish to be

[15:53]

if I can remember, everything I'm doing, all my daily activities are for the sake of entering the special transmission and expressing the transmission by doing the same thing that you're doing. Pretty much, except for not. Well, actually, pretty much isn't except for not. Pretty much means pretty much and then somewhat not. I do some things different from you, and you do some things different from me, but we do a lot of things together and similarly, and these are our ways, these potentially are our ways for us to realize the unconstructed Buddha activity in stillness. And one more thing to go back to the beginning of the practice of intimacy.

[17:22]

It involves supreme attunement and bewildering estrangement, bewildering isolation, bewildering phantoms of separation. That's part of the deal. And when those appearances of estrangement hit us sometimes it's really hard to stay balanced and to be kind to them. But that's part of the process. So some people have had the enjoyment of some supreme attunements during this practice period. And maybe the whole practice period has generally been getting more and more attuned and the station has been tuned in more and more clearly. There's some feeling like that, wafting around the valley, that we're settling down and clearing up.

[18:33]

But also there's still some bewildering estrangement visiting now and then. So stories of bewildering estrangement are welcome, and stories of supreme attunement are welcome, and other kinds of stories are welcome too, if anyone would like to offer any. And, yeah, if anyone would like to offer any stories of attunement, They're welcome to do so. I've heard some good ones already. You can tell them over again if you want to. All right.

[20:45]

I have two confessions to make. The first one is that yesterday after breakfast I missed the zazen because I fell asleep in my room and then I forgot to light it on the tanking pad. So I'd like to apologise to everybody in the room. And the second one concerns this morning. During Zazen I had a fly buzzing around this eye trying to get some bodily fluid and despite my efforts I was unable to be terribly generous about the situation and And at one point I thought, I'm going to kill this fly.

[22:21]

And then it landed on my nose and walked into the, down by the tear duct. And I managed to catch it in there. And then I dragged my hand down over my face and It didn't bother me anymore. I don't know whether it's dead or not. I can't see it quite anyway. I feel really bad about it. I feel... Yeah, I feel bad about it. I feel like I've done something... I just feel really... So I really, really, really apologize to everybody for doing that in here.

[23:27]

What's your intention now that you've confessed that? I feel as though I I need to lighten up and be more gracious with what's going on around me. You feel that need? Yeah. What's your intention regarding that need? It's to practice with that need and to... Keep going, just keep going. Okay. We witness your intention.

[24:33]

And commitment also? Yeah. We witness it. We witness your confession and your intention and commitment. I'd like to thank Yadier for sharing that.

[25:47]

Tenshin Roshi, thank you for presenting the Sambhya Nirmacara Sutra to us. I find it extremely rich and complex. Many of us have been reading it, I've seen. It really comes to life when you've been presenting it this week. I'm very grateful for that. I'd actually closed it a couple weeks ago and moved on to another book for a while. I'm inspired to open it again and look through it some more. But it's really hard to remember this clarity a few hours after a Dharma talk.

[27:03]

When you're not there to help turn these words and open them. And so, I started to have a complaint in my mind about how difficult it was to understand and I had an idea and then I wanted to make a request and then I realized it was kind of a big request and then I just wanted to offer an invitation. to invite the teacher to perhaps prepare some sort of a written study guide or some part of this teacher that could help us work through it the way that we've been discussing Marian Dharma talks. And I just want to offer that invitation without expectation, but just to let you know that I think I might

[28:17]

I hear and appreciate your invitation. And there is a book being made, you know that, right? And that might happen someday. You can read that. I was hoping something that might help us stay during this practice period. Since it's sort of the focus of our discussions. I'm in awe of your request. Maybe just to help us study one page of it. How about my face right now? Oh, by the way, there are three large volumes totaling about a thousand pages or more about this sutra.

[29:52]

And I ordered them for the library. But I don't know if they'll get here during the practice period. Maybe they'll get here during the session, the next session, so you can't read them. But we can maybe put them on the altar. You can just look at the big pile of commentary of many scholars. And Asanga, the founder of Yogacara, uses this sutra as his major inspiration. And I'm thinking of studying his summary of Mahayana, which is based on this sutra, later in this century. Welcome, Shuzo. I have this question. And you answered a little bit when you were talking about dancing. And it was about maybe two words that we use sometimes.

[30:57]

Many other words also work. And one is love, and the other one is humility. And there's something in the, when we feel that, one of those, that some unconstructedness is felt. Is that the same unconstructedness at the intimacy of the dance? Humility and love ultimately are unconstructed. But constructed humility is a vehicle to the unconstructed. And love is unconstructed in its truth.

[32:01]

But practicing compassion in a constructed way is a path to realizing intimacy. And these are obvious things that everyone, every culture finds value in. Mm-hmm. Well, I don't know every culture. Many cultures find value. Yeah, many, yeah. We call it the great ones. I guess I'm just struck that it remains in such a... Maybe not humility so much in some people, but it's such a sought-after... I guess the word is it's a sought-after non-commodity.

[33:03]

Yeah. All right. and can be valued through centuries. And I just really appreciate it. You appreciate humility and love? Opportunities that those offer us to do something beyond our inconceivable. Witnessing, as well, is a synaptic. Yeah. It's like light. Yeah. To touch and be touched. Welcome. The word attain, by the way, has the root to touch, not to grasp, but to touch or be touched. Please come, Deirdre, and tell your story before it's too late.

[34:20]

Good morning. Good morning. So yesterday I came forward to offer a gift to you and to the Sangha. And it was a gift of a story about boundaries. And I was immediately given a gift from you and the Sangha of a boundary. And it was given graciously and I tried to receive it graciously. And I thought maybe Well, that might be enough. The enactment was enough.

[35:21]

But today you invited stories of supreme attainment and bewildering estrangement. And this story is also about that. So I think I left off that still. Okay. So this is a story of a teacher and a student. And... And there's a situation where the student is relatively new to practice and to meeting with the teacher in her first practice period. And she's very happy because for several decades she's been wanting to be where she is. somehow was not able to come forward for a long time. And meetings were going very well, she thought. This great kindness and compassion between coming from the teacher to the student and teaching.

[36:30]

And then in one meeting, the student received some words that sounded to her like sarcasm. And it was disturbing and shocking. And she left the meeting in kind of a state of shock and disturbance. And as days went on, it kind of grew. And this wonderful... meeting began to change and the teacher began to look different. The teacher actually started to look like a different person and the story grew. And it reached a point after several days where the student actually didn't even want to look at the teacher because of the painful loss of with the previous teacher, who to her was Buddha.

[37:36]

Now suddenly there was this teacher who seemed maybe could be insincere at best, and so she didn't really want to look at the teacher anymore. And it was pretty painful for her because she thought, you know, finally here she was where she wanted to be, And now it's back to square one. And so there was a Dharma talk given by the teacher, and because she didn't want to look at the teacher, she didn't go. She actually didn't want to hear the Dharma, so she sat in the hallway outside to listen to the Dharma, the teacher. And as she listened, something opened up a little bit. And this thought kind of squeezed through the opening. I should talk to him about this.

[38:39]

I shouldn't just decide something. I should go talk to him about this. And so in the next meeting, she brought forth her her story that she had heard some words of sarcasm and she expressed her vulnerability to sarcasm, that this was a difficult, something difficult for her to deal with. And there was a kind of, there was a lot of fear there because not knowing how that gift was going to be received. And there was a kind of moment of silence and very wide-open eyes. And then the teacher said in a kind of very relaxed way, well, what did I say?

[39:43]

And that relaxation kind of felt good. So the student was able to say what she had heard. And the response to that was, well, I don't know if that's sarcasm, but let's look it up. And at that point, the student felt really good because there was so much ease and there was no sense of... anger or defensiveness or hurt. The student was also afraid of hurting the teacher with their comments. And so the dictionary was brought out and the word was looked up and the student felt that it actually kind of affirmed her story. And the teacher seemed to think it could have too. And there was a kind of like, okay, maybe it was sarcastic.

[40:49]

And for the student at that moment, there was such a feeling of having been met that the previous story kind of dropped away. And then something else happened. the teacher said, how would you like me to talk to you? And there was this wave of joy because the teacher still wanted to talk to her and because the teacher was willing to consider choice of words that would work for that student. And when the wave of joy dissipated, It was this very clear feeling of, it's okay, you can say whatever you want to me, if I can come and talk to you about it.

[41:52]

And that student's still practicing today, and trying to practice, I had known. The way that that boundary was loved has everything to do with that. So I wanted to tell you this story because I so appreciate your talk on boundaries and I really wish for everyone to know how important that is to meet each other in that way in order for us to practice together. I feel deep gratitude for your very thorough exploration of the matter of boundaries in practice, which I don't think I've heard very much of. That is the story of bewildering, estrangement, and suffering.

[43:00]

Thank you very much for the story. Did you already borrow Zante? Please come. Thank you, kitchen. Thank you. Thank you, kitchen. Staff.

[44:07]

Yes, yesterday I came forward in wanting to put in a word for separation. And I want to just continue to explore that a bit. I was pretty inarticulate yesterday. I was very tired. But Deidre's story, the one that she just told, is quite wonderful and kind of... It's kind of another example of what I am thinking or feeling about this issue. The fact that there was this estrangement, which was also a separation, a painful separation, what that created was a space in which movement could occur.

[45:23]

And it did occur. And I see that as one of the processes of intimacy, of coming together. But you need... Just as the eye cannot see itself, the sense or illusion of separation, I think, is critical. Well, critical, I erase it. It's part... of intimacy at some point for it to occur. Just like the dancers. You have two dancers and they are separate but their separateness opens up an opportunity to find intimacy and I think that's what I was trying to You were saying, and I don't deny what you said, that the sense of separation is the source of all pain.

[46:47]

But I'd like to discriminate between... to explain the sense of separation without believing it and the conviction that it exists. Excuse me. I don't mean to say that separation is the belief that separation is real. That's the problem? Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to say. Yes, that's just what I was saying. The conviction that it exists, that it's true. is what does not separation as an element of our world that we can use in a polite moment. Thank you for letting me try to clarify my stumbling. You're welcome. Please continue to clarify.

[47:54]

Yes, so again, the process of realizing intimacy involves separation and attunement. I suddenly got very shy about asking this question, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Okay. I feel like Well, there's two things. First of all, speaking of bewildering and estrangement, I had the thought that I would actually try to put together my own study guide of viewpoint shows, but not during the practice period. And I was wondering if... Could you do it during practice period? I could do it during practice period.

[49:05]

Soon? Like tomorrow? I don't know if I can do it. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. No, no, no, I'm used to this. I believe I might be able to do it if you were to summarize the last seven days. Fifteen words or less. But that was a big question, but now that you're bringing it up, I can't bring it up, so I'm going to put that to you. I think 50 words is too few. A hundred? A hundred? No, I actually would really like a summary. That would be great if people would write summaries. That would be great. I can use it in a book. Can we bring them to your office hours? Okay. Okay. So, be that as it may, I wanted to ask you...

[50:07]

if in realizing intimacy you are asking us to surrender conscious constructions. Well, I'm not exactly asking you. I'm just saying there's a possibility that you would surrender. Particularly, there's a key one to surrender, which is very commonly used. Surrender the fabrication of externality, of separation. But you can't do that in a dualistic way. So it just happens when you calmly look at externality, calmly and graciously and patiently and so on look at externality, you will see that it can't be grasped and then there will be a letting go of it. So I'm just saying that that is what allows us to enter the actual middle way, that giving up the illusion of external and internal.

[51:16]

I'm not exactly asking you to do that, I'm just suggesting that this teaching says, that I'm suggesting this is what the teaching says, and I think I'm betting on that teaching to work in that way. I thought that you lightly touched upon the point midway through this machine that in one sense the teaching is another conscious construction. Yes. Okay. Yeah, and to touch upon it lightly is a good way to do it, but if you touch upon it too lightly, people might forget that the teaching about conscious construction is a conscious construction, so maybe it should be mentioned heavily, because we don't want to grasp the teaching of conscious construction. I think that was less than 50 words. Yeah. Okay, well... So that would be part of the summary, that we shouldn't grasp any of these teachings as external to us, et cetera.

[52:20]

OK. Well, I have a lot more to say, but I'll say it. So thank you. You're welcome. You seem to be interested in the Dharma. Thank you for your attention, Roshi. Everyone, I have, I guess, really, estrangement hits me as something I'd like to share. After I gave my Way Seeking Mind talk, I started to think

[53:24]

How did I experience as a little kid? Did I act violently in some ways? And I started to think of all the different ways that I had struck out at people. And there were a few times when I was in school where I kicked somebody or hit somebody because I was whatever, you know. But there was one way that I struck out at somebody that really hurt me to think about. And I talked to Reverend Fain last night and I really appreciate that I was able to do that because it helped me be a little more kind to myself and also put the situation into perspective.

[54:31]

a little better. And I would like to tell I'd like to share that that's okay. With everybody. Is it okay with everybody? Yes. Yes. Okay. My mom and stepdad had a foster child from the time he was about three till a teenager. And one time he was kind of like come on, John, hit me. And he wanted me to hit him in the stomach. Was he younger, older than you? He was like between six and eight years old. And I was 20. Oh, wow. Okay.

[55:33]

He used to hang around. I mean, we did things all the time. And he looked up to me and He wanted you to punch him sometimes to see how he could handle it? Just once. Just one time it happened. And he was just... My first reaction was like, no, you know, no. And he said it a couple of times and I don't know why, but I... went to hit him, and I was, like, gonna take a full punch, and at the last moment, I, um, pulled back, but it wasn't enough, and it hit him, uh, not, not even enough to knock it down or anything like that, but he started crying, and, um, my mom was there, and her reaction was, well, um,

[56:34]

Charlie, which is his name, you know, don't make John mad, you know, don't bother him. And anyway, I was really sorry. And four years ago... Can I ask a question? Yes. At that time, if there was somebody there beside your mom and Charlie... Is there something they could have done to help you at that time? When your mother said, Charlie, don't make John mad, at that time you felt bad, right? At that time, if someone else was there, maybe me, is there something I could have done that would have helped you at that time? to me and see what was going on, to connect with me.

[57:47]

But that didn't happen. But that would have helped you. And what would you have said if I asked you what was going on? irritated, I was angry. And? After that, you had some other feelings? Well, just that I, you know, that was an isolated incident. I mean, there wasn't any, I just want to say that I wasn't abusive to him. I didn't do things to him.

[58:53]

It was just, it happened. And then four years ago, I remember because I was living at the Missouri Zen Center then, I saw him again. You know, he was, he's grown up, maybe 21 years old or something. pulled him, you know, I took him aside and I said, you know, I'm really sorry about, do you remember the time when I hit you? And he said he did, and he, you know, he totally was, I said, oh, don't worry about it, you know. I accept your apology and I understand it. I was just a crazy little kid and really obnoxious and he was really nice about it and I guess I still can't, you know, I can't, it's really strange meant to me to hold that, you know, that I can do that, that I can do that.

[60:10]

Well, I wouldn't suggest that you hold it, but more like bring it. Like someone told me recently that she was raised to put things behind her and move forward. But I would say more like put things in front of you and face them and move forward. So don't hold this thing. Just keep bringing it out in front. And move forward by just keeping it out in front of you. Just be aware of it. You know, this can happen and you have it out there to keep your eye on, to be careful of. But don't hold it. Just let it, just don't keep it in back, just let it come out in front. Which you just did, that was good. And then maybe bring it out again to look at it. Every time you bring it out to look at it, you move forward on the path. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Thank you. Thank you Reverend Fain for helping him.

[61:13]

Thank you. You were talking about some 50s TV programs recently, and it brought to mind one that I was fascinated by as a child.

[62:17]

It was pretty early, that black and white TV. The show was called Queen for a Day. Queen for a Day. Yes. It was remarkable, really. They had these three terribly beleaguered women, housewives for the most part, unless they were recently widowed. And they had very serious tales of wealth. So the idea was that the the moderator or the host of the show, Jack Bailey, who was a little bit more than a used car salesman. He could have sold new cars, I think. He had this little console mustache and... And so his job was to introduce the contestants and say, well, go ahead and tell us your story.

[63:18]

And in front of each one of them, they received a table, a long table that they sat next to each other. And in front of them was a giant meter and a big needle that would go like this. And so as they each one would tell their tale. And then after that, Jack would invite the audience to respond. And so he'd say, what do you think about contestant number one and they would respond to their empathic sense of just how much they'd suffered. Of course, the television audience at home were invested in it. Gee, I think that was a much more terrible story than the other. How could they possibly be applauding so loudly? And so at the end...

[64:20]

one person would you know send the needle just move to the edge and they would be uh the elected queen for a day so uh they they'd come to the center of the of the studio where they had this uh sort of throne set up and uh and they put this kind of tawdry looking uh cape whatever the problem with the cheap you know line and uh It just struck me as a great, really a great show in a way, kind of a precursor of the kind of really crude, rude reality programs that are on TV today. People are duking it out. An innocent version of them. Absolutely. It seemed much more real. The reality of it was really what got me, what drew me in, the stories. And normally the elected queen for a day would begin not, you know, they weren't really given the gift of understanding what the root of their suffering was, but instead they got appliances.

[65:40]

LAUGHTER Things that might, you know, relieve them of suffering. Yeah, that would be interesting if... if somewhere in the process, maybe, perhaps after they got all the gifts and so on, someone would come on and sort of say, what do you think the root of all this suffering is? You know? Not for commercial. In many cases, it brought to mind my... I wanted to mention it in connection with my way of speaking, my talk, which seemed like, you know, a tale of woe, and... Well, it wasn't a great ride, but in any case, I wanted to express just what a rare opportunity it is to have disparaged myself with that stuff, because I don't speak to anybody about that except the therapist that I've seen for many years, who fortunately is a person who

[66:55]

help me put forth some remarkable material that I wouldn't normally share. And this was part of it. But actually, the situation here is, as I said, just a rare opportunity to do that. And it seems like Separin, as Ali has been speaking about it, the concept of it has really cleaved closely to that, and it's been kind of a close companion of mine to feel Say it again, say it again. It's been kind of a close companion to the... The sense of separation. I sort of depend upon it in a way. And that's a very kind of impoverished way, so I see it now, to conduct my life. So I see this as having taken advantage of this opportunity as a way of... moving out of that rather constrained and closed sphere of isolation.

[68:01]

So thanks, everybody. You're welcome. Everybody welcomes you. How old were you when you were watching this? I think seven or eight. I think I want to be careful here and not do too much advanced practice for myself.

[69:03]

But I don't. I often think and feel I don't know when to come up and speak, and I have often used the cue when my heart starts to pound really fast. And like right now, I'm shaking. And I felt it was something I wanted to risk, and I was willing to risk. And I also wanted to come up with a spirit of not knowing, because at any point if I thought, oh, okay, this is far enough, you can go back to your sleep, you don't have to keep going just because you've got up in front of everybody. That's fine. Thank you. And so I kind of wanted to risk my truth. And... I made a commitment to do that a long time ago in the Zen Doke Green Gulch during a Sunday talk. You asked if anybody wanted to do that, and I walked out of the back of the room and said I did. So I know that it's something I said I committed to a long time ago.

[70:11]

And I think what I want to say today is what I'm thinking are the best and worst things I think are true about myself at this moment, and offering them as constructs. And I didn't know what the worst was until Neo Yu told his story. And a couple of days ago, we were in the kitchen doing soji, and Mostly I love insects. There's lots of spiders sharing my room, and I like them, and I take ladybugs out of the plunge like a lot of us do, and they're still alive. But there were two, I think they're called earwigs, and they look kind of like miniature lobsters. And they were in the bottom of the bucket, and I wanted to rinse the buckets out because they were so dirty from the outside, and I'm very tired, and I also didn't want to be embarrassed about stopping the whole line of production to go.

[71:13]

So I just put the water in and let them fend for themselves and didn't even look to see what happened to them. And so when I remember doing that, when the OU was speaking, I just felt hard and defensive about that I did that. And I wanted to confess that I just feel hard. I feel bad. And I can see the gift in it for me that those thoughts gave me. But that's all over my life. And I can also start to, what's been happening for me here, is to be able to say, that's what happened to me.

[72:20]

I was kind of thrown to fend for myself. And no one looked at you to see how you were doing? No. So that's the other gift I saw, but that's actually, I would consider that a fact to me, not to say the truth, but that is what happened. Thank you. These are pink. So that's one of the things that's opening for me is to start to just feel what did happen to me, you know, with some compassion. And someone's watching now. Yeah. You're watching and we're watching. Thank you. So the best thing I want to risk, which is attunement, and it's been my relationship with you particularly, and what you choose to speak about, what happens when I go speak to you privately or when you're speaking publicly, and I wanted to risk that saying,

[73:48]

but that was kind of part of my secret, um, thing I built about myself that, um, made up for things I didn't like about myself. And, um, so, uh, um, it is a tumult I feel. Um, and, and examples, uh, um, when, um, Carolyn spoke about, I think once, she looked at the altar and all of a sudden, usually she's asleep and she doesn't see it one morning. Well, I've given incense a few times over the years, not that many, but I always go completely blank. You know, it's just I'm so worried about doing it wrong. It's like there's no dedication. It's just blank. And somehow when we just first entered to give incense after... I think in crossing the threshold, I just got this commitment that I was going to stay present and awake.

[74:51]

And I didn't know what I'd say, but what came up was my dedication of this practice period to the full expression of women. So I felt so wonderful that I didn't have to hardly do any work because it's just happening all over, I felt, with... on bringing up, you know, that, because that wasn't anything I'd even noticed, because I'm so busy trying to read the names, I didn't never notice bowing or anything, so I just wanted to say that I really love that thought myself, and yet The other thing, the last two weeks have been coming up a lot for me is something one of my friends said to me about, there's a joke about real estate, the three things that matter in real estate are location, location, location. And she had said to me, the three things that matter about New York, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. So lo and behold, yesterday, we start to talk about boundaries. So I want to say that happens a lot. For me, I wanted to risk that, and it never happened again.

[75:53]

I did want to not keep that as my special guard against the world. Thank you. You're welcome. Good morning.

[76:55]

Good morning. You fly. I have the one that always comes at karaoke is named Freddy. If he doesn't come today, that's all right. I had a Supreme, well, no, wait, we've got the disengagement one, the sad one. But it was kind of a surprise and shock to myself. And thank everybody who has been giving stories today, and thank you for receiving stories, because it's so helpful in sorting oneself out.

[78:02]

You hear other people sorting themselves out. Anyway, back in Richmond at Hoji, we have a lot of visiting teachers. And a teacher came to visit. A woman teacher came from the West Coast. And it was very exciting. And, oh, we're going to have a practice discussion with this teacher. And I was pretty new in practice. of Zen. So it was my turn to go up there and I had to form right in the bowels and got all settled and I was in my best sense. And she looked at me and said, I don't know who you are. And I flipped.

[79:04]

I said, I don't know who I am either. And I kind of went on a rant. And it was a little scary. And then I just had to live with that, that that had happened. And just keep learning about what it is to not know who one's self is, because it's very important not to know. And so this is a story of TV. Well, it's not really a story of TV. It's a story of a cape. and identity and coming through. We have to come through getting identified. So I had seen Queen for a day actually on my cousin's TV.

[80:13]

They had a TV set and I thought, now I didn't look that closely, but I thought that vermin lined cape was just gorgeous. And Then the time came when I was 13, our church choir, kind of junior choir over in Orinda, we got to do operettas every year. So we were doing The Sleeping Beauty. And I forget whether it was seventh or eighth grade, but it was right there in the adolescent time. Oh, my God. And I was chosen to be the king, the king in the story of the Sleeping Beauty, who is a very central, important person, sits on a throne. He kisses the Sleeping Beauty?

[81:16]

No, you don't get to kiss the Sleeping Beauty. The prince kisses her. Oh, the prince kisses her. The prince kisses her. Thank you. So anyway, I was going to get this cape. And it was gorgeous. It was purple velvet and long, and it swept. And the mothers of the junior choir who were working on the costumes needed to solve the problem of putting the ermine on it. And they solved the problem by stitching down end to end very carefully over the entire length of my beautiful purple cape kotex. This is intimacy. And then, of course, they painted it, you know, with the black dots, like... And I was upset.

[82:17]

You were upset? Yeah. You were upset. It's very good to be sharing this. Wow. Wow. Did you wear the cape? Of course. They assured me that nobody would be able to tell. Nobody would know. Unless they saw the king crying. Yeah. And so I endured and he had a good performance and so forth. But I still don't know who I am. I don't know. if there's any reason for me to get upset about that.

[83:29]

I don't think so either. I think it'd be fine for you to be at peace with that. Thank you. You're welcome. Did you all miss me? One of the things I don't like about our reform is that I kind of forget that we're respecting the great teacher a little more.

[84:44]

When people were doing it in front of you, I thought, oh, yeah, I'm respecting the great teacher. And now when it's back there, I'm more likely to forget. And reform, I think, has its losses. That's right. Every form is kind of a defilement of the unformed. I was feeling deep appreciation. I feel deep appreciation for this situation that we're in and these people that are here in this place. It's so... It's so rare. And this summer at Green Gulch, I learned that George Wheelwright III, who gave Green Gulch to Zen Center,

[85:51]

When he was asked why he gave Green Gulch to Zen Center, it wasn't because we demonstrated that we were particularly good Zen students. It was because he had this idea, this concept that Buddhism had a long tradition, history of nonviolence. And so to him, that was something he wanted to support. So he gave Green Gulch for that reason. And so when I hear stories like yours, Mia Yu, and Elizabeth, what you're saying about the airbag, I just feel like, wow, that's it. That's so rare that we could be in Rome talking about sadness over killing a flag. and feel respect. Everyone feels moved. I don't know if everyone feels moved, but a lot of people feel sad about this and sincere.

[86:53]

And that's really special. And I think that that's also expressing the deep, the intimacy of the Boon Wai and this tradition that George Louis was inspired by and gave us that property. I think that it also is a demonstration of love and this love that we can have for all beings, which this morning, came to me as my expression of deep concern. I'm wrestling with what my deep concern really was. My deep concern to help all beings, I don't know. Is it to save all beings? I'm not so sure.

[87:54]

To practice the blue way? Maybe. And this morning I thought, oh, yeah, actually to love all beings. That's it. To love all beings. That's my ultimate concern. And to love all beings is to save all beings. And to love all beings is to help all beings. And to practice the blue way. And so I want to express... my greatest concern to Tsanda and to ask for your help in reminding me of my great concern. Thank you. I noticed in myself a perception of being inside or outside, or inside, outside Sushim.

[89:44]

And I wonder if you had some suggestions for transition, and even that is kind of making it into something. You wonder if I have any suggestions about, like, Tomorrow? You mean, how to practice tomorrow? If there is an inside...or...anyway, how to... The form changes. What is this constructing of inside and outside? The forms, probably forms will change tomorrow. It's not really inside, outside, it's just the forms, they've been changing for the last seven days, forms have been changing, but they're going to change kind of probably in a different way tomorrow. So, is he wondering how to deal with the change in form? Or do you want to deal with the... Or do you want to talk about how to deal with the idea of inside-outside?

[90:53]

At the end of the session in the city, Norman Fisher brought the newspaper to the last talk. I had to read the newspaper. They lost a whole number of guidance. This may be a different situation. I know that the forms would change. Maybe that's it. I just wonder, maybe it's not just me dealing with this inside-outside Sufism problem. Maybe it's what? Maybe it's not just my problem to have this concept of inside-outside Sufism. Well, my experience over the years was As I approached the Sashin myself and I watched the community, it seemed like there was a big feeling of approaching this Sashin.

[92:14]

A lot of energy, like, we're going to go in Sashin. Here's this big thing happening. And if I can just briefly say that I felt in the city center, right after we moved there, in the end of 1969 and the beginning of 1970 and 71, the energy of approaching this kind of like low-pressure system, you could feel it on the street. You know, it was very, very strong. It would pull people off the street who didn't even know anything about Zen. They'd just feel drawn into the building by this energy of, you know, these big sashins, hundreds of people or something. And then the session would end and then there would be this big thing happen at the end of that, everything, all the energy flying all over the neighborhood. So that's the way sessions were for a long time.

[93:15]

I thought that they were like really different from before session and after session really different. But over the years, it's not so different. And I think, yeah, for me it's not so different going in and out anymore. There's a difference like coming to Tassajara and adjusting to 99 degrees. That's a difference with more of a difference than the form for me now. So I think what I do is I don't try to hold on to Sesshin. I don't try to make continuity. Trying to make continuity, you lose continuity. So I guess the main thing I do is I just try to let go. But in also entering sesshin, I try to let go of not being in sesshin. I don't bring not-sesshin into the sesshin. I don't bring sesshin into... Then I have a sense of continuity because I don't hold on to the before or after, the inside or outside.

[94:15]

And that's great, although it is different in the middle of sesshin than not-sesshin. It's, you know, there is a difference, but the moving from the beginning of session into the middle of session also, if I can let go, it's not a problem. So anyway, the more, and I noticed that quite a long time ago, that actually that, that actually is kind of a jarring, the entrance and the leaving, and it's kind of like, actually kind of like not so good. to have that shock. And I felt that what Sugarshi wanted sesshins for was mostly for people who didn't have daily practice. He told me that one time. He said, these sesshins are not for you because you're practicing every day. They're for people who can't practice here every day with me so they can come and get a taste.

[95:20]

But there's a problem of that. that they don't have the... The problem is how to integrate it. But still he gave them the taste. But now you're saying, how can we make... I don't know if you're saying this, but how can we make it so that the sesshin just spreads into the daily life, and the daily life goes into the sesshin. The daily life goes into the sesshin to purify the sesshin, and the sesshin goes out to purify daily life. So I think the main thing is let go of the city when you come to tasar, let go of daily schedule when you go into sesshin, let go of sesshin when you come out of sesshin. But of course, in both cases, at the beginning and end of sesshin, in order to let go, you have to be present. at the gate, quiet and still, to let go. So we should continue the practice all the time. But there is compression differences, but we can go through those compression changes if we're relaxed and still.

[96:32]

And I prefer it not to be such a big deal myself. I like to just go right in, go in and go out, like in the cold water. to go in the cold water and feel it, but not getting too excited about it. And then come out and not to get too excited about it. If you get excited about it... Oh, by the way, I just want to mention, I made a mistake. It's not so likely that you're going to have a heart attack by going in the cold water. It's not a heart attack. It's cardiac arrest. That's what happens to you. Your vagus nerve gets overstimulated and turns your heart off. And that can happen to somebody who's got no heart problems. So sesshin, I think, if you don't make those transitions carefully and relaxed, if you try to hold on to it, it's not so good. And if you try to hold on to it before the sesshin, it's not so good. So just walk into sesshin and give it up. And at the end of sesshin, give it up.

[97:34]

In the beginning of sesshin, give it up. Then we have continuity. I think that's best. You're welcome. People a lot of times say, well, how can I hold on to this? Let go of it. The other day on Tuesday, I think, Wednesday, I'm not sure, I was assigned to work in the Dish Shack, so I did, and I opened the bucket with a silverware, and I looked inside, and there was something. I saw it, but I didn't really make a concept of it.

[98:37]

And then it felt like it took a while, and then I recognized it as a dead mouse, a mouse that drowned. And... And then it also took a while, but then I had like this shiver on my body and I felt disgusted and I had to shake it off and I didn't know what to do. And I saw Connie outside and I asked her, what do we do now with this mouse? So she went into the kitchen and got a little plastic bucket. And I took the bucket and I had gloves on and I tried to scoop the mouse out of the water. And I just wanted to confess that during the whole time I watched myself having this feeling of being a version and

[99:40]

Yeah, fear of eating, you know, it doesn't do anything but fear of touching it. And so I finally managed to get it out of this big silverware bucket and I put the lid on the plastic container and put it into the garbage. And I thought, how can you be so... Yeah, it made me wonder what is it about death, about dead things, that makes one shiver, right? And even with that nose, there was a point when I could actually look at it because I actually wanted to try and see. I looked at it and it looked perfectly, it looked like a perfect mouse, it was just there, it was head round. And it had its eyes open.

[100:45]

And I feel really sorry that I could not handle it with more care and compassion, but It was also kind of interesting just to realize what it did, what the reaction of meat towards this dead animal was. And that I could even, the thought of touching the tail or something just made me, you know, having this physical reaction. And I wondered, It's just a small mouse, you know. I've never really seen, in my life, I've never really seen a dead person close, or even a person close to me being dead. Yeah, so I'm really, so I wonder, wow, it's just a small animal, what will it be like if these other things start appearing? Mm-hmm.

[101:49]

Yeah, and what's your intention now concerning such phenomena? Well, first, I would like to make a request to everybody, to the community, to be careful of really putting the wooden lids... onto those buckets, the dish buckets and the silverware buckets, and make sure that there is no space for any kind of soil animal to crawl into. And I would, yeah, in the future, I hope to be more alert, more remembering the teaching and that in the midst of whatever physical reaction there is to be... Did you say be more alert? Yeah. So do you intend to be more alert when shocking events like that come to you?

[102:53]

Yes. Do you want to commit to that? I want to be more alert. I want to try. I witness your commitment and we all support you to realize it. That would be very good if you can be really alert and present to shocking events like this. I want to say that I've been very inspired today by people sharing of themselves it's really encouraging for me so I wanted to say that to express appreciation it's helpful to me and I like to bring forth I don't know if it

[104:31]

I'd like to confess that I often go around not thinking but just operating with this assumption or according to a kind of worldview where there's inside and outside. And I can recognize that this maybe is a hindrance for me but experientially I enter into interactions where habitually I go into it where there's me here and this outside world there. So I'd like to acknowledge that out loud. We hear you. Thank you. You're welcome. One of the reasons I do this, at least in what I've been able to see, is that there's some underlying presumption that there's all this judgment out there, that if I am secret enough about me, that I will insulate myself from opening up to incoming judgments.

[105:57]

This is an underlying presumption that seems to be there. And I have a suspicion that while judgment may exist in the world, that I have a ridiculously disproportionate amount of suspicion of this, that I think that people are constantly judging me. This may actually not be true, that everybody here is constantly judging me. That may not be true. Yeah, it may. I may have other things to do. Yes. And it feels very inauthentic to go around doing this because... Excuse me, may I say something? Yeah, of course. If you're doing that, you can do that authentically. When you admit that you're doing that, you're being authentic.

[107:00]

Right. And it feels, interactions feel inauthentic. Well, it makes it difficult to, aside from admitting that, there's not much, it's hard to do authentic things because you're hindered by this insulation activity. But if you say to somebody, you know, I'm trying to insulate myself from your judgment, then you're actually being authentic, pretty authentic at that moment. And that doesn't really insulate you from their judgment when you tell them that. And they might say, good confession. I just judged you. And then you start being intimate because you're authentically, you're not hiding. When you tell us that you're hiding, you're not hiding anymore. You're an authentic hider. And that's why I wanted to come forward today. Yeah, right. So that's authentic to tell us that you have been not disclosing this for fear of what would happen.

[108:03]

And now you've done it and And everybody might have judged you, but no problem, because you were true to yourself, I think, right now. So please continue. Is it safe? Safe? Well, hiding isn't safe either. I wouldn't say it's safe. I would say both ways have their dangers. The way of conceit, I mean, concealing and hiding, that has problems. You get hurt that way, too. But the way of showing yourself, you can get hurt that way too. You're vulnerable either way. Trying to practice all by yourself is really difficult and painful. And trying to practice with other people and showing them who you are is really difficult. It's just that one way is endless suffering and the other is the path of liberation. But they're both difficult. So you've been doing the difficult way, now you're switching to the way of liberation.

[109:07]

By disclosing yourself, by showing yourself, showing yourself, you will be, you're on the path of liberation. Both are hard though. Seems like there may be more chance of being supported. Exactly. And people are trying to support you when you're hiding too, but they're supporting somebody other than you. They're supporting a mirage. If you're disclosing yourself, they can support you disclosing yourself. And they may not be skillful, but they're doing it. That's why it's sometimes difficult. But they'll try. They will try. And then you can disclose that you'd like them to try a different way. Please, I have trouble with the way you're trying to help me right now. Can I offer you a little bit of limits in the way you're helping me? Can we have just a little pause in the help? Yeah, so I'm happy you're coming out and showing yourself to us.

[110:11]

Thank you. May I ask you something? Will I be supported in being myself? Let me try. You should have seen Purtis's face. He was so happy. This may come under bewildering, estrangement. It's just estrangement. Supreme estrangement? One of the things that I have been practicing with lately is a fear of my mortality and a fear of dying.

[111:20]

And part of it is because I've reached a certain age and death is a lot closer. But I also have a great fear of causing harm to others. And it's something that is constantly present in my life. And I sort of understand why I'm having it right now. But I think that part of being here is to confess, is to give an example of how it just shows up in my daily life all the time. The bucket that's used during the server's lunch, I washed it in the wrong sink in a way that afterwards I thought, well, I could spread germs because I washed it in the wrong place in the kitchen. And I was told that I could do that, but afterwards I thought, no, that's not a good thing. And I worked in the kitchen, so I should have known better.

[112:23]

And I reported it to someone in the kitchen, and I couldn't get anyone to notice, to recognize the problem. And I eventually just went back and dumped the water out of the bowl. But I'm still worried about it because it's, you know, it's just because you just never know. It's just, the life is just really uncertain. And you just never know your effect, what the effect could ever be. And, you know, I... I've actually decided earlier than yesterday to give up this fear. I'm not quite sure how to do it because my own way doesn't really cover it because I know that there's a real world out there and that people can get hurt and that we can unintentionally do things that harm them. And so this is the koan that I... and sort of practicing with is like how to give it up when something really can happen.

[113:28]

How to give up the anxiety and just let it go and not feel like I'm responsible, so totally responsible for the world. You can give it up by loving it. Love the fear and then you'll be able to give it up. And also, in loving the fear, not liking it, loving it, in loving the fear also, remember the teaching that bodhisattvas are not afraid, they're fearless, because they understand reality. And their fearlessness helps them be able to enter situations that are really dangerous. like being alive. They come into life to help people even though it's dangerous. They're not afraid to come here. And so they come in and they teach us that getting over fear will help us not harm people.

[114:35]

A friend of mine is an eye surgeon and he said one time it was time to operate on his own daughter but he was so afraid of hurting her he couldn't operate on her. He had to get a friend to do it. The fear of hurting her would make it more likely that he would not perform his services skillfully. So the fear doesn't really help us help people. Even though it's coming from a place of caring, we need to let go of the fear. And the way to let go of it is to understand, I don't know what's number one. Number one is it's okay to let go of it. And number two is the way to let go of it is by loving it and being calm with it. And then in that space, the hindrances drop away and there's no fear. And then you can be more effective. It doesn't mean nobody will ever get hurt. You'll be more effective in helping people when they're hurt and not hurt. The fear undermines your service of beings. But inevitably we're going to make mistakes.

[115:41]

Yeah, and same thing there. Fear of making mistakes does not help you learn. If you're afraid of making mistakes, it makes it harder for you to learn from your mistakes. Bodhisattvas do make mistakes. And non-Bodhisattvas make mistakes. So everybody makes mistakes, both great beings and ordinary beings make mistakes. But the people who are not afraid of making mistakes learn better about their mistakes. The fear makes it harder to see. Like some people make mistakes, but they're so afraid of making mistakes, they never see any. Like, I didn't make a mistake. They're so terrified that they would make a mistake, they cannot admit they ever make any. I don't think I'm afraid of making mistakes. I think what I'm afraid of is making a catastrophic mistake. Same thing. Same thing. You can learn from little tiny, tiny mistakes if you're more better. if you're not afraid to make little tiny mistakes.

[116:44]

You can learn from medium-sized and catastrophic mistakes. You can learn from them better if you're not afraid to make the mistake. Because then when you make the mistake, you can say, wow, I made a mistake. This is a mistake. This is a huge one. This is a medium-sized one. This is a tiny one. You can learn from all of them. best if you're not afraid to make the mistake and that you made a mistake. You can accept the consequences and then you can learn. The consequences are what teach us. That's true. So the fear isn't necessary to learn from mistakes. What's necessary to learn mistakes is to love them. And that means you notice them, that you're open to them, that you're careful of them, that you're patient with them. You refer to mistakes? Yeah, this is the way to treat mistakes. Treat mistakes, fear, greed, hatred, all this stuff, all sentient beings you treat with the same practices.

[117:52]

the six bodhisattva practices applied to all events. All the practices for dealing with all situations are included in these. And so fear is one of the things we have to take care of in order to save it. We have to love it in order to liberate the fear from us and us from the fear. And it is not necessary to have the fear. It's okay to be free of fear. But when you have fear then you should love it. Not like it, love it. Not dislike it, love it. Love fear, love separation, love anxiety, love selfishness, love pain, love every person, love every animal. It's all the same. And it's all difficult. Thank you very much. You're very welcome. Thank you for your question and expression. Well, we did it again.

[119:04]

@Transcribed_v005
@Text_v005
@Score_84.76