I started the weekend by bringing up the issue of our ultimate concern, the deepest desire in life for us, our deepest purpose. Just sitting here with you just now, that came up again to orient to that again. And I remember somebody coming up and saying that his deepest desire was to understand that there's no separation, And somebody else might say, I wish to understand that there's no separation between myself and other beings, human and non-human.

[01:08]

And I wish to act, I wish my actions of body, speech and mind to come from that understanding and express that understanding and realize that understanding. A negative way of putting it would be, I deeply wish to not believe that I am separate from other beings, and I wish to not then act to live a life of action based on believing that I'm separate, So I wish to not have that kind of life or to let go of that kind of life to make that kind of life a gift a sacrifice to the life of realizing that that's not true that way of life is not true for me and for all beings.

[02:20]

So that ultimate concern I pretty much share I think what attracted me to the practices of Zen was stories about people who seemed to understand no separation and act from there. And I wanted to act like that, not knowing that that's what they were acting from. But I liked the way they act, and now I see that that's where they were coming from. so that we have to take refuge or we have to go for refuge in return to this non-separation. And maybe we live in the world of separation, so how can we live in the world where we feel separation in such a way that we open to the non-separation? How can we be tender with the appearance of separation

[03:23]

and be peaceful with the appearance of separation and peaceful with the appearance and upright with the appearance of separation. Upright like, okay, there seems to be separation here and there seems to be fear because of that and conflict But I'm not so sure that this is really separation and really conflict and really fear. It seems to be fear, but it might not be fear. It might be something other than fear. I'm open to that possibility. But I'm also not rejecting that it's fear. I'm not leaning away from the appearance of fear. But I'm not totally believing that this is just fear. it might be the energy of the universe revealing a new possibility to me.

[04:28]

Separation, the appearance of separation might be the revelation of how to of the place to pay attention and be generous where the door of realizing non-separation would open So something around in this kind of language is coming something for me from my ultimate concern to realize intimacy with all beings and act from there and to give gifts from that place and to receive gifts from that place or receive gifts in that place And so I thank you for your gifts that you've been giving from beginningless time including this weekend. And a recent story to follow up on the old stories I told you about my daughter

[05:47]

was that I recently gave her the gift and also I gave her mother the gift of saying that I didn't want to go to L.A. for Thanksgiving. I kind of got invited along with some other people to go to L.A. for Thanksgiving. If I had been invited to go to L.A. during Thanksgiving to spend time with my grandson and my daughter I would have said yes. I would have given the gift of saying I'd like to come and be with my daughter and my grandson. But to get the invitation to go to Thanksgiving which means that I maybe wouldn't even get to talk to them because of the causes and conditions of all the food and various other things that happen around the food with lots of other people.

[07:00]

I just gave them the gift of, I don't want to go. And I gave them the gift almost of, I'm not going to go. But I did go to Vancouver to celebrate the birthday, the 90th birthday of my mother-in-law. I thought that would be something I would like to do and be meaningful and deep and quiet and, you know, where people would, you know, I thought it would be good and it was very good. It was an enactment of peacefulness and gentleness and it was good. I was glad. And I went for just a short time but it was fine because lots was going on and just my presence at certain key points was sufficient. And then people didn't have to worry about me beyond that.

[08:04]

But Thanksgiving, no thank you. I offered that, in some sense I offered that gift of a boundary of me being in San Francisco and them being in Los Angeles. But then they gave me some gifts. They started moving the boundaries around. And now things have changed, so now it looks like I am going to go to Los Angeles. And my daughter is happy about that. And she wasn't so happy about me not going. And as I was saying to someone earlier, maybe when I go there, although I didn't want to go because my experience is going to things I don't get to talk to her. And I don't get to talk to my grandson because they're kind of overwhelmed with everybody else.

[09:06]

They don't have time for me. But still, even so, maybe because of this, maybe because of this boundary game we played, this gift-giving exchange around me going and not going, maybe now that I'm going, if I say to her, would you like to go for a walk with me? Maybe she'll say, maybe somehow she'll find time. Maybe she'll move some boundaries around so that she can go and do this thing with her father. And maybe on the walk I can talk to her about how it was for her to have to call me three times and how it was for her to tell me she hated me and have me laugh. And so maybe that'll make the trip worthwhile if I can have those conversations with her. And maybe if I didn't go to LA, I wouldn't have got the chance.

[10:07]

So we'll see. But that's an example of gift exchange and boundary setting together. Together. And the grandmother and the mother gave me some gifts that would help me do a little dance with them. And I told Catherine about it and she said, I think you're entitled to go to L.A. She also could have said, no, you should stay at Green Gulch with us. But she didn't say that. She said, I think you're entitled to go to L.A. I was sort of, I was a little bit using you as an excuse not to go. Actually, I will be in Green Gulch on Thanksgiving and in L.A.

[11:25]

I'll be both places. So, huh? You'll be there to see. Get up early on Thanksgiving morning and watch me be at Green Gulch. I'll be like, Hey, Paul, here I am. And then I'll be gone. So when you're eating your Green Gulch dinner, I won't be at the table with you, but you'll know where I'll be. I'll be driving through Santa Monica. I'll be driving through Santa Monica. I will, I'll be driving through Santa Monica when you're having lunch. So that's an example of this practice of realizing intimacy. And it's, you know, it's a struggle how much we say, I have a gift for you too here, you know, I want to move this thing here.

[12:32]

You know, and they were, actually they were, they were, those two women were, you know, they were kind of strong, but they weren't rough, they weren't mean, they were kind of gentle with me, but firm, like a very clear offering. We kind of want you to come. And also kind of understanding of them. of what I, the problems, some of the problems I have with these events. Like some of the people, you know, who go to these events are, you know, have drinking problems, for example. They start drinking and then they start being kind of you know, intoxicated. And then they do things which they really don't like to do either, but they get into that because, you know, people drink because they can't stand the intensity of these events, right? So then they drink so they can stand to be there and then they start making the situation kind of difficult and then they apologize afterwards.

[13:37]

And I kind of feel like, well, do you need me there for this? And the answer is, yes, we want you in the middle of this challenging environment. So they understood, you know, they also don't like it, but they want to be there anyway for various reasons. somehow it's really important to them and so they tell me that and I listen and I feel the pain and the boundary moves. And, you know, someone told me, you know, he wants to be a good father and he gets to spend time with his son, who's now starting to be a teenager.

[14:41]

It was just before being a teenager. And he says he'd love to be with him when he was with him. He says, when I'm with him, but I can't get in there with him because every time I ask him a question, all he says is, I don't know. How are you feeling? I don't know. What are you doing? I don't know. What are you like? I don't know. And now he's moving into several years of I don't know. And he says, I can't, you know, I can't get in there. I don't know, you know. And I said to him, don't try to get in there. Don't try to get something out of the relationship. Just give him gifts. And you may never get anything from him for the next six years or seven years. You may be totally excluded from

[15:45]

That may happen. You just keep giving gifts continuously, and he'll learn that. And you may not learn anything, but you'll have a son that learned from his father how to give with no expectation. And he was very happy to hear that. He could hardly wait to go. and give gifts to his son who, you know, may not answer any of those questions for many years but then when he gets into his twenties and thirties he may start calling his dad. I kind of thought that part of what we could do for the rest of the retreat would be for people to give gifts to our group.

[17:00]

Gifts of expression, of what you see in this retreat, what you see in this group, what you see in this world, what you hear, what you've heard, what you feel, and anything you need that you'd like to express and anything you want from us. And it's getting close to breakfast, so maybe we could wait till the next session and sit kind of in a circle and see what comes forth. I had that idea. But, you know, you may not wish to express these things, which is fine.

[18:11]

And if there's anything else you'd like to bring up now before breakfast, which is about 20 minutes away, you're invited to come forth and do so. Please. So I'd like to thank Anita for the gift that she gave me, which set in motion several hours of thinking. So I would like to talk about my story about stories. I think it was May when you introduced me to this thought about stories and the way that I now think about it.

[19:26]

And I think it changed me. Because what I came to last May was that I don't think that anything that's ever been said is more than a story. I don't think that's, so I thought about whether that meant, if I thought that, whether that meant I was dismissive of others. And I was defensive and I said I didn't think it was. But it's, I believe it's a very important teaching and

[20:37]

I think last night I felt like either I didn't understand the teaching or maybe there was some misunderstanding about it. And so I thought I should talk a little bit about it. I think my story involves my body when my story involves my body. But I think that this also leads me to think about truth. Because I used to think that my story had more substance of truth in it.

[21:42]

And now I have a whole different idea about truth. And it's sort of like yesterday was Friday for me, but it was Saturday for a lot of people. And the birds don't care whether it was Friday or Saturday. But I had this idea that it was important that yesterday was Friday in some really sort of selfish way. So I think it also This idea about stories leads me to the idea about words and how I think I make what I call reality from my words, but my words are so inadequate as a description

[23:03]

of what's going around me. Other cultures have words that, when I heard them, describe a situation that I'd never thought about, just because there was a word for this. The example I think about, I think it's a Norwegian word that describes the knowledge one has from having lived in a closely to one place for a long period of time. The knowledge one gains from that. And until I read about that, I never thought about that. So that supports my idea here about how I'm trying to tell you about my experience from my words, but they're way inadequate.

[24:09]

So that's my story about stories. And I think it's a very important teaching for me. Thank you. Thank you for your gifts. I don't know what I sound like over a microphone, but I could speak up.

[25:48]

Anyway, we came to the point in our conversation this morning where I can love my ultimate concern to realize no separation in all my relationships, in spite of my fear of intimacy. That's still what I want. And then it occurs to me, you know, you think something else comes up after you're through with these talks. I find if I'm speaking... Can you hear her? Can you hear me? I don't know where this word's best. I think it may be like this. Direction. But you can hear her?

[26:51]

Yes. It seems to be working. That's fine. My desire is to not just know that there is no separation, but to realize it, to just, whatever that means, it's a different knowing. And then it occurs to me that I ought to look, and I need to realize there's no separation in me, I tend to think that I'm one person here when I'm open with you or when I've had a really intimate one-on-one conversation with somebody and something has been exchanged and there's no separation for an instant. And we both know it, realize it. And then there's this me that goes home and is a little scared again and kind of just wants to hide out and maybe not go to the sendo because there are people there with which I might have to experience this, you know, open myself to this intimacy again, which is my heart's desire.

[28:08]

which I fear. And so I think I need to look at the no separation in myself. And then that led me to think that perhaps the way to do this might be to practice noticing no abiding self. Now this is terrifying. I think this is what's so terrifying in realizing No separation in my relationships. I think that it must be the self that resists that, that is afraid of that. I might lose something or where do I go? But I know in my head that there is no abiding self. I observe this over and over because my story is always changing. I've seen that for years. And I will not be here when I die. And I wasn't here before I was born.

[29:10]

But this no abiding self is that whatever it is I'm doing, there's just a changing into something else. There's just not this abiding self. And sometimes I can... know that very rarely. And perhaps if I can practice paying attention to keep looking for the self, even though I know in my head there's no abiding self, I still need to watch for my thinking in ways that are, in fact, considering that I'm two selves. I'm one when I'm open with you, even if I'm afraid to say it like I am right now, and another when I'm at home and want to stay there and hide and not expose myself. So maybe if I could practice noticing the no-abiding self, I might be able to

[30:22]

dropped the idea that there's like two of me. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure what it means, but thank you for the gift and this subsequent thought that came into my mind that I also practice like thinking that I'm two selves. And I think before I worry about too much how I Do that with other people. Maybe I need to start with myself. And it's a lot. I hear other people, and I know it's true for myself. I know these things in my head. I say, yes, yes, I get that. But that's not the same as realizing it. And I can only do that by practicing, by just winning that. Like I said, when I got up this morning, I was dressing and kind of didn't know what to do next at 6, 10 in the morning.

[31:27]

And it occurred to me, if you don't know what to do, go sit. What a concept. So that's where I am, and I suppose those thoughts are my gifts. I don't know if anybody wants it, but that doesn't matter. I needed to share it. Thank you. A big kind of Dharma proclamation has arisen in me prior to departure for breakfast. And it's a gift which I could give to you if you'd like. kind of a big thing.

[32:35]

It's to say that this understanding there's no separation, there's wisdom. And there's practices to open up to this wisdom. And then with this wisdom, compassion for all beings naturally follows. And the opening to the wisdom is also compassion And the compassion is fostered by the wisdom which the compassion allows us to open to. So the compassion is based on wisdom, and wisdom emerges from compassion, and then from the wisdom compassion emerges. So it's a constant deepening of the cycle. So to be compassionate with your stories, to be compassionate with the stories that arise from your body and mind, opens you to see the non-separation which is not just the story of non-separation, but the actual non-separation.

[33:42]

And the story which can arise can be a story of separation and fear, or it can be a story of non-separation and no fear. Both stories, if cared for compassionately, we're open onto the actuality of no separation. And as we enter that, great compassion will start flowing forth, and then wisdom and compassion are united, and that's the great proclamation before breakfast.

[34:26]

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